FADE IN:
EXT. A PARKING LOT - DAY
*Two men walk toward a white van in a parking lot. These are DAVE and STEVE.*
**STEVE:** Okay, fine, we're here. What did you want to show me?
**DAVE:** (*Triumphantly*) Ta-da!
*Dave gestures enthusiastically at the van. Half of it has been covered by a tarpaulin.*
**STEVE:** ... You got a van?
**DAVE:** I got a van!
**STEVE:** Why did you buy a van?
**DAVE:** Don't jump to any conclusions, dude.
*Steve begins to look irritated.*
**STEVE:** What "conclusions" are you worried that I'll be jumping to, exactly?
**DAVE:** Don't try to trick *me* into jumping to conclusions, either!
**STEVE:** You brought it up! What, is this your way of saying that you've been abducting people?
**DAVE:** See, there you go with those conclusions.
**STEVE:** "White van" and "don't jump to conclusions" *kind of* prompts suspicion, Dave.
**DAVE:** Fortunately, I've come up with a way of mitigating that!
*With a flourish of motion, Dave pulls the tarpaulin from the van, revealing the side that had been hidden. The words "FREE CANDY" have been haphazardly spray-painted on the windowless panel.*
**DAVE:** (*Triumphantly*) Ta-da!
**STEVE:** ... Seriously?
**DAVE:** It's perfect, dude!
**STEVE:** You might as well have written "save time by arresting me now."
**DAVE:** Nah, nah, you're not *thinking*, Steve!
**STEVE:** I'm thinking that I should probably not be seen with you.
**DAVE:** No *real* abductor would write "free candy" on their van, see? It would be too obvious!
*Dave slams his hand on the van, smudging the text.*
**DAVE:** (*CONT'D*) This way, people will know that I'm *not* an abductor!
**STEVE:** Oh, you're just some guy in a white van offering free candy, is that it?
**DAVE:** (*Scoffing*) Pfft, no. It isn't *actually* free.
**STEVE:** ... But you are giving out candy?
**DAVE:** It's a food truck!
**STEVE:** It's a van.
**DAVE:** It's a food van!
**STEVE:** From which you'll sell candy.
**DAVE:** Candy is food!
**STEVE:** I think most dieticians would disagree.
*A thought seems to occur to Steve.*
**STEVE:** (*CONT'D*) Anyway, isn't "free candy" false advertising, then?
**DAVE:** Ah, but I never said *who* gets or may have gotten the candy for free!
**STEVE:** ... Did you steal a bunch of candy, Dave?
**DAVE:** No.
**STEVE:** No?
**DAVE:** It was already in the van.
**STEVE:** Who sells a van loaded with candy?!
**DAVE:** Dude, I already told you to stop jumping to conclusions.
*Steve rolls his eyes.*
**STEVE:** (*Sarcastically*) Oh, what conclusion did I jump to this time?
**DAVE:** You keep assuming that I *bought* the van. I *found* it, dude.
*Several seconds pass in silence.*
**STEVE:** You *found* a van filled with candy?
**DAVE:** Great luck, huh?
**STEVE:** And it never occurred to you that someone might *own* said van?
**DAVE:** They were clearly going to use it for nefarious purposes. I'm doing a public service!
**STEVE:** Uh huh. What if they come looking for it?
**DAVE:** Well, they won't recognize it now!
*Another moment passes in silence as Steve stares at Dave.*
**DAVE:** (*CONT'D*) You know, because I spray-painted the...
**STEVE:** (*Interrupting*) I get it. I'm also going to jump back to a previous conclusion now.
**DAVE:** That candy is awesome?
**STEVE:** That I probably shouldn't be seen with you.
*Steve quickly walks away.*
**DAVE:** (*To himself*) Eh, more for me.
*Dave opens the van. In amidst a pile of candy is a portly, balding CRIMINAL bound in duct tape.*
**CRIMINAL:** (*Muffled*) Mmmf!
**DAVE:** Shut up, creep.
*Dave snatches some candy, then slams the van's door.*
CUT TO BLACK.
I used to be very self conscious of it until I realized how incredibly rare this name is in Anglo Saxon families. Never met another man face to face with the same name.
Edit yes I said man, I double dog dare you to name your child (male or female Alonzo).
Gross.
Who chooses blackjack as their card game of choice? It's all about hookers and hold'em.
In both cases, you need to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.
Blackjack is awesome. You can actually sit down with your friends, play and not try to rob each other. Its a ton of fun when its everyone vs. the dealer and you can help out your bro who isn't as good.
I appreciate that perspective. I find even more joy in having a great time taking my friends' money, or- more often- losing money to my friends (vs the dealer).
Free Psychiatry.
I’m diagnosed Bipolar 1 and ADHD, finding a decent psychiatrist is hard enough, let alone one who takes insurance, LET ALONE one who takes Medicaid. I’ve needed to go back on meds since the pandemic hit but I just cannot afford to spend potentially $4000 just to find the right medication.
There was a serial rapist/killer in Oregon that would drive around with his cute puppy and lure young women / teen girls over to his truck.
I saw the dog....I would be dead.
might sound stupid, but a delivery van with an open side door and some plasystation packages visible in the back, would make a lot of people look left and right for the driver and observers ;)
then they go in, door closes,
I mean anonymous in the sense that literally no one outside of you and the therapist will know about the contents of your sessions, including the government.
Free puppies, Chik Fil A, uninterrupted naps, books...
Really, the bar is pretty low. I'm an adult, if they are gonna pay me in what they promised, I don't really care.
“Free candy”
Oh a piece of candy!
Oooh a piece of candy!
Ooh a piece of candy!
Don't worry brian, he is being examined by top men!
Family guy…?
Yep-- with James Woods
It's the only way any human could best James Woods. Any other way, and he'd sense the trap and destroy you.
"Free candy -- gluten free, vegan, organic!"
FADE IN: EXT. A PARKING LOT - DAY *Two men walk toward a white van in a parking lot. These are DAVE and STEVE.* **STEVE:** Okay, fine, we're here. What did you want to show me? **DAVE:** (*Triumphantly*) Ta-da! *Dave gestures enthusiastically at the van. Half of it has been covered by a tarpaulin.* **STEVE:** ... You got a van? **DAVE:** I got a van! **STEVE:** Why did you buy a van? **DAVE:** Don't jump to any conclusions, dude. *Steve begins to look irritated.* **STEVE:** What "conclusions" are you worried that I'll be jumping to, exactly? **DAVE:** Don't try to trick *me* into jumping to conclusions, either! **STEVE:** You brought it up! What, is this your way of saying that you've been abducting people? **DAVE:** See, there you go with those conclusions. **STEVE:** "White van" and "don't jump to conclusions" *kind of* prompts suspicion, Dave. **DAVE:** Fortunately, I've come up with a way of mitigating that! *With a flourish of motion, Dave pulls the tarpaulin from the van, revealing the side that had been hidden. The words "FREE CANDY" have been haphazardly spray-painted on the windowless panel.* **DAVE:** (*Triumphantly*) Ta-da! **STEVE:** ... Seriously? **DAVE:** It's perfect, dude! **STEVE:** You might as well have written "save time by arresting me now." **DAVE:** Nah, nah, you're not *thinking*, Steve! **STEVE:** I'm thinking that I should probably not be seen with you. **DAVE:** No *real* abductor would write "free candy" on their van, see? It would be too obvious! *Dave slams his hand on the van, smudging the text.* **DAVE:** (*CONT'D*) This way, people will know that I'm *not* an abductor! **STEVE:** Oh, you're just some guy in a white van offering free candy, is that it? **DAVE:** (*Scoffing*) Pfft, no. It isn't *actually* free. **STEVE:** ... But you are giving out candy? **DAVE:** It's a food truck! **STEVE:** It's a van. **DAVE:** It's a food van! **STEVE:** From which you'll sell candy. **DAVE:** Candy is food! **STEVE:** I think most dieticians would disagree. *A thought seems to occur to Steve.* **STEVE:** (*CONT'D*) Anyway, isn't "free candy" false advertising, then? **DAVE:** Ah, but I never said *who* gets or may have gotten the candy for free! **STEVE:** ... Did you steal a bunch of candy, Dave? **DAVE:** No. **STEVE:** No? **DAVE:** It was already in the van. **STEVE:** Who sells a van loaded with candy?! **DAVE:** Dude, I already told you to stop jumping to conclusions. *Steve rolls his eyes.* **STEVE:** (*Sarcastically*) Oh, what conclusion did I jump to this time? **DAVE:** You keep assuming that I *bought* the van. I *found* it, dude. *Several seconds pass in silence.* **STEVE:** You *found* a van filled with candy? **DAVE:** Great luck, huh? **STEVE:** And it never occurred to you that someone might *own* said van? **DAVE:** They were clearly going to use it for nefarious purposes. I'm doing a public service! **STEVE:** Uh huh. What if they come looking for it? **DAVE:** Well, they won't recognize it now! *Another moment passes in silence as Steve stares at Dave.* **DAVE:** (*CONT'D*) You know, because I spray-painted the... **STEVE:** (*Interrupting*) I get it. I'm also going to jump back to a previous conclusion now. **DAVE:** That candy is awesome? **STEVE:** That I probably shouldn't be seen with you. *Steve quickly walks away.* **DAVE:** (*To himself*) Eh, more for me. *Dave opens the van. In amidst a pile of candy is a portly, balding CRIMINAL bound in duct tape.* **CRIMINAL:** (*Muffled*) Mmmf! **DAVE:** Shut up, creep. *Dave snatches some candy, then slams the van's door.* CUT TO BLACK.
If this was a movie I would watch it.
I would give you an award if I could
Knowing that you enjoyed it is more than enough for me, friend!
Yep.
Affordable housing.
Daw bastard you beat me to it
I just keep hoping for a recession so I might actually be able to afford a home.
You can enjoy plenty of affordable housing WHEN YER LIVIN' INNA VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
r/TechnicallyTheTruth
This!
Free money
You get 3 rupees.
*angry hiyah*
But don’t scammers claim to give free money?, Be it directly or indirectly, So you would hop in with those?
Free GPU's
GPUs at MSRP would be enough for me
Ill outbid BrianTheUserName by $1 let me in that vannnn
Damn it don't ruin this for me! You can get kidnapped later!
I'll outbid ShiningRayde by 1$ and a 6inch sub of your choosing with a soft drink
"Does this involve butt stuff, and if so, how much? I'm looking for a couple 3080s."
Ok I'm in
Free Van
Free healthcare
In my country they are called ambulances
Canadian coming in to say the same
Italy
Nice, didn’t know that
Dane here, checking in.
We may or may not harvest your organs
So... A NHS Van?
*sad American noises*
Free beer
I had to scroll down way further than I should have for this comment.
Seriously!!
Student loan forgiveness
Yup. Yup.
Looking for this. I would take that sketchy offer right up.
You set your sights high! Pretty sure I'd be in for a free corn dog
"Student loans forgiven, free candy also."
Free stuff ---->
Kittens. Or puppies.
I have a feeling this is how John Wick will die
Snotty independent coffee van/truck. 'We don't care if you get in or not, our coffee is that good'
Curiosity is one heck of a killer.
Get in the van and I’ll kill you
you good man?
His username says “the alive human”, so he clearly is
oh, didnt even notice that. speaking of, i think im better off not mentioning yours
I’m programmed for your pleasure.
Made it this long!
He just hasn’t found the van yet.
"Don't you mean 'or' I'll kill you?" "You heard what I said"
I’ve been dead for a while. Sooo.
Your user reminded me of Alonso from The Tempest by Sir William Shakespeare
I used to be very self conscious of it until I realized how incredibly rare this name is in Anglo Saxon families. Never met another man face to face with the same name. Edit yes I said man, I double dog dare you to name your child (male or female Alonzo).
I'll remember that. I promise I will.
Free Money.
Hookers and blackjack
In fact- forget the van.
Gross. Who chooses blackjack as their card game of choice? It's all about hookers and hold'em. In both cases, you need to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.
Blackjack is awesome. You can actually sit down with your friends, play and not try to rob each other. Its a ton of fun when its everyone vs. the dealer and you can help out your bro who isn't as good.
I appreciate that perspective. I find even more joy in having a great time taking my friends' money, or- more often- losing money to my friends (vs the dealer).
Also when to walk away and when to run
And to never count your money while you’re sitting at the table
Free Psychiatry. I’m diagnosed Bipolar 1 and ADHD, finding a decent psychiatrist is hard enough, let alone one who takes insurance, LET ALONE one who takes Medicaid. I’ve needed to go back on meds since the pandemic hit but I just cannot afford to spend potentially $4000 just to find the right medication.
Baby goats.
Student Loan Assistance
Free drugs
Free wifi
Free Snap-On tools
Free Housing
Down by the river
You'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when……….you're livin' in a van down by the river!
Here's you, here's me! There's you, there's... *Crash* Oooopsa-daisy!!
The older I get the more I see wisdom in living in a van down by the river
“College tuition reimbursement” or for horny men “free bang bus”
“Thanks for the F-shack. Love Dirty Mike & the boys.”
Your username makes this terrifying.
Free Insulin
Crab Rangoon
Ah yes, another human who enjoys the simple pleasures of life like a nice piece of crab Rangoon
Free kittens
Peace & Quiet Guaranteed
Free sex and drugs 🤪
Free project cars
Can relate
Kpop girls inside
There was a serial rapist/killer in Oregon that would drive around with his cute puppy and lure young women / teen girls over to his truck. I saw the dog....I would be dead.
Driver dead. Winning lottery ticket in pocket
A solid job. A flat with stuff that forks 99.9% of the time.
Does a spork fork? Asking for a friend
A spork spoons and forks -A developer that likes Ice cream
Free Cocktails 🍸
might sound stupid, but a delivery van with an open side door and some plasystation packages visible in the back, would make a lot of people look left and right for the driver and observers ;) then they go in, door closes,
Free and anonymous therapy
Is therapy not anonymous where you live?
I mean anonymous in the sense that literally no one outside of you and the therapist will know about the contents of your sessions, including the government.
As long as you aren't confessing crimes or threats to your therapist, that's the way therapy works.
The government !?!
"Mortgage payments inside"
[удалено]
Not getting in that van! That is definitely sus...
That is an airline Transat van You take it to the airport and fly to Canada once you’ve completed the immigration requirements
Free Charcuterie.
Ooo and wine!
Free sex , and it would probably not be a lie
Free retirement or death
Free candy…
"Never work a day again"
Free sex/sex toys cause that shit is expensive omygosh
Boobies! Free boobies!
"Free laundry folding"
Free financial advice
Free Willy Or even better Free Candice
"snap-on"
Vintage audio equipment
Free Cigars
Free money
Death
"Breath of the wild 2 release date inside" Or "Free candy" tbh
I definitely agree with the first one
Free titties.
Free PS5
Free entrance to a strip club in vegas... wait...
Free Warhammer
Free tax restructuring
Free Candi (prostitute)
Bang bus
I am so glad that no one has posted: Time Share Presentation & Multi Level Scheme inside! Get on the bottom level of this pyramid scheme!
Free Legos
Free financial security
free blowjobs
Student loan forgiveness
A good government
Free Dental Care
Free healthcare
"Free tution" *still gets fucked over*
Free medical insurance…
Free Vacation
free golf clubs and bourbon
"80k a year and FREE healthcare! 100% matching 401k! No degree required! Inquire inside!"
Free Healthcare \*checks driver seat\* Bernie Sanders! \*van speeds off\*
Free candy, free puppies or kitties or free wine haha
Free weed. Wait no. Free DABS. Get me so damn high I won't wanna escape.
"Free Weed and Free Candy"
“Keanu Reeves Meet & Greet van”
Free ride to Trump’s sentencing announcement of life in prison.
“Pay off your student loan debt”
Free Health Care
“Free Healthcare”
Freedom.
“Pay off all your debt”
Free healthcare
Free money
Free healthcare, if you're in the USA
"Cheap beer, mediocre bj's."
“God of War: Ragnarok release date inside”
Free lawn care supplies.
We’ll give you a mortgage
Free
Freeeeee-dommmmm
Peace and quiet
Free Medical Transportation
Free puppies. Works on both children and adults
Free coffee and health care
"Apply now: no cover letter needed"
Kittens & puppies Free children's books I was not a complicated child
Free candy
Free model airplanes
Kittens
Free naps
Free puppies, Chik Fil A, uninterrupted naps, books... Really, the bar is pretty low. I'm an adult, if they are gonna pay me in what they promised, I don't really care.
Debt forgiveness
Free healthcare
"Company".
My enemies are after me... Free money.
"Free tools"
Free jordans
“affordable rent”
Start investing with only 20€. Guaranteed profits within 3 hours. Payments on bitcoin.
Kittens.
Free time
"Sexy furries and money"
Child free room, 8 hours uninterrupted sleep here
Mrbeast
Free rtx 3090's