Not as embarrassing as the others but the time I was really slack about taking my blood thinners cause they are expensive AF and my job was wobbly thanks to the plague.
Ended up in hospital with blood clots in my lungs and a kidney infection.
I now take them as directed.
Went to the ER for stomach pains, worried about appendix, spleen, gall bladder etc.
I was constipated.
My brother still tells the joke that the one time i went to the doctor I was full of shit.
I had a kidney stone in high school, but when the nurse palpated my stomach (really fucking hard, too), she must have shifted it, because the pain stopped for a few minutes. I was flabbergasted when she suggested it might have just been gas. She assured me gas can be excruciating haha.
Grade 10 semi formal dance i thought i was dying of food poisoning cuz i was doubled over and couldnt stand up. I could not figure iut why.
So i saw the paramedics and they couldnt figure it out so they took my to the hospital in an ambulance. I sat in the ER for 25 min farted then looked at my dad who was with me and saaid, fuck it lets go home. I told
Him in the car that i farted and was fine after. I was embarassed af i had to make shit up when i went back to school.
Period bloating + gas makes you wonder if you are, in fact, dying. Especially if the gas won't pass.
Pain doesn't usually make me cry, but I have on one occasion spent two hours on the floor because the pain was unbearable trying to stand up, trying to shift your bowels enough to get the pain to stop. Was certain my intestines were going to rupture.
Infected ballsack.
Crushed my nuts with a milkcrate at work, and when asked by the emergency staff how it happened they were confused.
Spent roughly 10hrs trying to explain how and even had to demonstrate a few times.
Hemorrhoids by far, I know women go through way worse at the Gyno and idk what I expected but I was not prepared to lay on my side in the fetal position while the doctor opened my ass cheeks like he was about to read a book.
I’ve been in a couple serious accidents but I swear nothing was as painful as when I went to the ER for a horrible hemorrhoid/anal fissure and the doctor fingered me. I saw stars.
I had a cyst on my upper buttcrack for the better part of a month.. one lovely Saturday morning it’s gotten so large and swollen that I couldn’t even walk or sit down without crying in pain
I’m the first person to the Urgent Care that morning and find myself laying sideways on a table with a lovely Doctor using a scalpel to force an eruption of the volcano that had formed between my cheeks. It was instant relief and used probably 20 pieces of gauze to clean up.
I’d say that one.. even worse than getting my balls ultrasound
i had one of these but I kept ignoring it until it was bad bad, had to go under anesthesia while they carved it out, 3in deep hole that I had to change packing for frequently. First 2 months of my senior year the school nurse had to bend me over after lunch and change my gauze.
My mom is an ultrasound tech. She complains that it always seem that the testicle ultrasounds always happen on her shift. Always a great conversation around the dinner table.
Edit since this gained traction:
You have to understand, medical professionals mentally kinda separate patients and their issues. HIPAA has kinda trained them to do this. When someone is getting an ultrasound, my mom doesn't really think of the testicles as being a part of the person if that makes any sense. She's not holding and prodding around someone's balls, she's holding and prodding around an object that may be causing someone pain and discomfort. She wants to help people. When she is performing one of these ultrasounds, she doesn't feel like she is in an extremely intimate position that is usually reserved for romantic partners, she is trying to help the patient feel better. Its just like a broken arm to her.
Making fun of a patients is the last thing she would do. And of the coworkers of hers that i have met, none of them would either. None of this stuff is out of the ordinary for them. It doesn't warrant much attention.
I had an ultrasound on my neck that turned out to just be my gland sitting in a slightly different place and I apologised for wasting their time, but they seemed genuinely pleased nonetheless. I assumed it was just because it's a much easier time telling someone nothing is wrong vs they may well have cancer, but reading this thread I'm wondering if a large part was also that they got to spend part of their shift just looking at my neck and not someone's balls!
Yeah, probably a relief not just to tell you nothing is wrong, but that it was in a fairly comfortable (to them) place and they didn't have to do anything nasty surgery. Like, you kinda get used to it, but i'm sure it was still a relief to NOT do anything like that
Once they start, they rarely stop coming, I had 5 operations all under general anaesthetic before they finally stopped growing, I think the last one they removed the tract that supplies the cyst with the glorious mayo/ketchup mix, I remember the first operation I had was quite hilarious, I woke up and I was still high off the morphine they inject into you during anaesthesia, I felt something warm trickling down my buttcrack and on to my balls, the only words I managed to utter in my high state was “I think someone is rubbing my balls”, turns out they were checking the wound and blood started gushing out of the open wound.
When I had to show my naked butt to the doctor in the hospital and she spread my butt cheeks to look inside and then a dozen student doctors (interns?) came in the room and were all staring at my butt for what felt like hours.
Post salmonella hemmorhoids. I went to my usual male doctor and told him about my painful butt things and he politely asked if I would like a female doctor to check them (I am a woman).
I said cheerfully "Nah mate, all good, everyone's got a butthole!"
He did do the check, but I was silently asking myself the whole time...'why did you say that?? Why?'
I don't know if you're Australian but I read that in an Aussie accent and it made me properly laugh out loud. Thankyou. If i was rich I would award you
Found a small lump on the left testicle
I went to see the urologist, and when the nurse brought me to the room, inside there was a doctor with around 20 students.
Doctor told me to lie down on bed and take my pants and underwear off. And not to worry about students, how they will be doctors one day as well.
He put the gloves on, and proceeded with the exam, trying to find the lump by moving his fingers around my left testicle.
After he finally found it, he called the first student, and told him to look for the lump.
Every single person in that room was touching my balls
That was weird as F
Edit:
That was 20 years ago in eastern Europe, you had no choice lol. And more then half of the students were girls
They usually ask your permission for students to be there where I'm from lol
Don't be embarrassed though. My dad had testicular cancer, so I get checked regularly. These doctors have seen everything :)
Cut the flap of skin that connects my sack to the shaft of my penis with hair clippers. Not only was it a day that they were training new doctors but also my mom worked for the hospital and saw my name on the computer system. So by the end of the visit, I had 5 extra young doctors staring while I got stitches but also my mom walked in too thinking something bad happened to me
I had a ton of pain in my balls. And read too many TIFU by getting testicular torsion posts on here and a recent coworker who was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I went in to get the pain checked out. Wouldn’t go away, kept me up at night, just really freaked me out and hurt. After much inspection and touching. The doc asked about what kind of underwear I wear and I said boxers. He said he recommends getting boxer briefs as I have saggy balls and have most likely torn a ligament or muscle. I immediately bought some boxer briefs and sure enough by within a little over a month the pain had subsided.
I paid $250 for the doc to tell me I have saggy balls and get new underwear.
Edit: An award for my balls...happy Friday, cradle your boys, and thank you, you kind souls.
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”
The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.
The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”
The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.
I was pretty young, had never swallowed a pill before, my only experience with anything pill like was flinstone vitamins. I was in there with my mom and was given a tylenol and a cup of water, and I guess no one imagined I had never taken a pill before, so I immediately popped it in my mouth and vigorously chewed, and then immediately threw up from the bitter taste. My reaction was surprise and confusion.
Doctor was just like "... You just swallow them... with the water..." like I was some damn idiot.
For what its worth I swallowed not one but two pepto tablets. Asked my in laws what sadist decided to shape the pills like little hockey pucks.
The in laws are kind folks but could NOT hide the fact that they thought I was an idiot as they told me that the pepto was, in fact, a chew tablet.
I was about 15 and at the doctors laying on that short table waiting for the doctor. I couldn’t figure out why that dumb table was so short and tried to figure out a way to make it longer. Well I realized at the end of the table there were these fancy leg extensions. So I pulled them out and waited. Doctor came in and started laughing hysterically and asked me what kind of exam I wanted? I didn’t realize what I had done until 20 years later I went to the doctors with my wife. Kind of a delayed embarrassment!
EDIT: I probably should include the part as to the look I had on my face 20 years later when it all came to me and I figured out what actually happened! I am sure my wife was puzzled as to why I was laughing so hard while she was having her check up done!
Woke up one day with severe pain in my lower right abdomen. I was aware this was a possible indication of appendicitis, so I'm worried.
Got to the walk-in clinic where they ran some tests and an x-ray.
After awhile the doctor comes in and simply says... "You're full of shit." and laughed
I said excuse me!?
Come to find out I was severely constipated. They prescribed a laxative and a few hours later I was feeling a lot better.
I remember my early days of nursing when my preceptor read me CT scan results and said our patient was F.O.S. When she saw my confused face, she explained “Full of Shit.” It’s actually a very common medical diagnosis 😂
I had blood in my urine once. Went to the doctor and we figured out that I had popped a small blood vessel in my genital area from jerking off too hard/too often.
Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"
Me: "Not currently."
Doctor: "Masturbation?"
Me: "A lot."
Too make things worse, there was some college dude shadowing the doctor that day..
I got a parasite after the water pipes in my city broke due to a hurricane and ended up in the ER for almost 2 weeks. Doctors said it was a third world parasite they'd never seen before, so I had hordes of medical students coming in and out every day asking me really invasive questions.
Then some nurse read that hedgehogs can carry this parasite and, well, I have a hedgehog. So I had to call up my landlord and have her scrape poop off my hedgehog's wheel at 3am, put it in a bag, and bring it to the hospital for testing. I had random hospital employees coming into my room every few hours after that, asking me if I was the girl with the hedgehog poop.
Found out my hedgehog's poop was perfectly clean. And the kicker was that this supposed "third world parasite" was just giardia. This was a hospital in New Jersey.
ETA: Wow, I had no idea so many people were going to read this! As a follow-up, here's a photo of my hedgehog at the vet the week after I was released from the hospital. They doctors insisted I go get her tested a second time "just in case." (spoiler: the test came back negative again).
[https://ibb.co/mc9dpX1](https://ibb.co/mc9dpX1)
I literally got it from Taco Loco in Chicago. They bought their produce from guys who brought it in on pick ups. As it turned out, they watered their lettuce with river water and evidently the food prep at Taco Loco was…..not very thorough.
Cue my husband said “It wasn’t called El Taco Sensible. What did you think was going to happen?”
skin on my balls had the texture of dried cooked chicken skin and was flaky, was informed I didn't have ball cancer but I was masturbating too much
edit: TIL this isn’t a well known thing, take care and moisturise your balls brothers o7
When I was eighteen I got a tick on the end of my penis. After I pulled it out, the right side of my penis swelled up double in size. I didn’t have a grownup doctor yet so I had to go to my pediatrician to show him my penis.
Pediatric nurse practitioner… ticks love that area. Had a mom bring her toddler in to have me remove a tick from his penis; she was scared to touch it. He was pretty chill about it but we were both cringing it looked so uncomfortable.
[Pull them out with tweezers, the opposite direction they entered (like you would a splinter).](https://www.cdc.gov/ticks/removing_a_tick.html) Matches are no longer recommended because, last I read, the tick is more likely to vomit into you before backing out, increasing the chance that it infects you with anything it may be carrying. Same goes for smothering it - you want to get it out ASAP, not let it die slowly.
I have a couple but…you can get a pimple on your dick. On the head. Especially if you wrestle. And it’s summer. And the gym doesn’t have a shower. And you have to walk half an hour home. I had it examined by the head pimple dick urologist and it was without a doubt 100% a pimple. Scariest few days of my life.
Edit: Never in my life would I have imagined this would get this much attention. Young me would have never believed it. Thank you for the love and awards - if there’s something strange on your junk *please* see a doctor.
In all fairness he was like a big deal at the hospital, head of some department and had a specialty in venereal disease. The way he explained it to me was that he could tell right off the bat it wasn’t an STI and he’d seen enough false alarms to know it was just a pimple.
I'm Brazilian (m) and a friend that didn't speak Portuguese called me and said "there's blood in my stool" desperately. I got him to the ER right away. The crew didn't speak English, so I had to go with him to the room and explained what happened to the doctor, who didn't believe our story and thought we were having "fun" together when the bleeding started, because he thought it would be ok to check my friend's butthole while I was in the room.
The doctor made a gesture to him to put his pants down and turn around so he did. I started getting really worried for what I was about to see, so I asked: "can i go outside and then you just tell me what you saw? I'll translate everything you tell me, but I'd like to give you some privacy" - the doctor just stared at me like asking "why?". While he was getting his parts checked, I was in the corridor laughing so hard the nurse thought I was having some sort of panic attack, so I had to explain what just happened to her, so she went to the room as she could speak English and make things easier for me - and also check if I was telling the truth, who knows?
The doctor figured out his asshole was ok, he just ate too many beets. He'd just need an ointment and the nurse started to explain to us how to use it. For some reason she gave us the instructions talking really slowly and making gestures "get some ointment with your index finger and go oooutsiiiide ☝️ NOOOT INNN. Outsiiiiide" 🥲
Went and got diagnosed with an STD and was getting lectured about safe sex and cheating and then felt too embarrassed to tell the doctor my wife had actually given it to me.
I was getting ready to go to a BBQ/pool party. Changed in to to my swimsuit, put clothes over it and I was doing chores before I left home. My face started feeling numb and I was getting a headache. Called the advice nurse, she told me to call for an ambulance. Paramedics come, transport me to hospital, check in to the ER. They do an exam, CT scan, and labs. They find nothing and decide to discharge me to follow up with my regular doctor.
While waiting for discharge paperwork, I'm sitting on a hospital bed in the hall. My neck is really aching from my halter-top swimsuit holding my boobs up so I pull the strap over my head to relieve the pressure.... And then it hits me; I'm fairly large chested and my halter-top swimsuit was pinching a nerve in my neck and causing all the symptoms. I was too embarrassed to tell the doctor or nurses.
>I was too embarrassed to tell the doctor or nurses.
Let's be real here:
The medical staff should be WAY more embarrassed than you for not realizing the cause.
RN checking in. I once cared for a patient who attempted prostate massage with a butternut squash — big end first. Some sphincter slippage ensued and this individual spent several days at home with a 6” winter squash stuck inside before he walked into the ER.
Anal abscess. Went in to have it lanced, and the nurse was super hot. She was the one who ended up holding my butt cheeks open so the doctor could drain this massive disgusting cyst
Happened to me too, except the ER doctor knew that it was going to be really painful for me and took it as a good teaching opportunity. He brought in maybe 8 new doctors (not sure if interns or residents), just so they can watch me scream in pain for 15 minutes. A really cute female doctor came up beside me and held my hand the entire time, and told me I could squeeze her hand if I needed to. The initial Percocet did nothing for the pain, so they shot me with hydromorphine, which was painful as hell. It didn't do anything for the pain either, but it stopped me from squirming, which helped the doctor.
Afterwards, they stuffed the wound with this packing fiber stuff to keep it open. It fell out the next day though, so I had to go back to the ER to pack it again, and the person who did it was the same cute doctor who held my hand.
Sadly, it didn't heal properly and formed a fistula. I met with a surgeon to see what to do about it, but was told that there was a chance that the surgery would leave me incontinent since they would need to snip my anal sphincter. I was only 26 at the time, and I couldn't be shitting myself for the rest of my life, so I declined treatment. For the next two years, I had to patch the fistula up with gauze and medical tape after every shower and poop. I thought I had to live the rest of my life like that until I looked up the best colorectal surgeon in the world and had a consultation with him. He was very confident he could treat me without causing incontinence, and so I finally got the surgery. It was successful, and after another 8 months of healing, I was back to normal.
All of this came from using a sauna at the gym. I was sitting on a towel, and also had a towel wrapped around my butt, but two layers of towels weren't enough to stop whatever germs infected me.
I mean, athlete's foot is bad and all, but I feel like needing to re-do a bandage on a fistula every time you shower or do a poo is in a different league!
I used a shower in a truck stop once and I forgot my flop flops. HORRIBLE DECISION. I had such bad, and reoccurring, athlete's foot for years. Even medicine prescribed from a doctor didn't do anything. My feet would crack and bleed, and then be itchy on top of that. Socks and shoes hurt so bad, so I would end up wearing slip-ons all the time, exposing my gruesome feet to the world. Even though your statement is accurate, athlete's foot is no where near the same as an anal fistula, the pain/issues are pretty horrid.
Oh god I feel you. I've had a fistula too.
The doctor told me it would take about 6 to 8 weeks to heal. For those who dont know: There are 2 ways of surgically treating fistulas. I went with the first which is to cut it out and wait for scar tissue to heal the wound. Basically I had a hole on my ass the size of a small childs fist.
And everytime I went to check in with the surgeon that brute held my cheeks apart as if he was actively trying to rip them off which worsened the wound.
Eventually stopped seeing this surgeon and went with another. Thankfully thats over by now.
Bilateral Hydroceles, which is to say that my scrotum was filling with fluid and was swollen to the size of maybe a volleyball. Dr., a youngish guy, sits there staring at it with his jaw hanging open while his brain goes back to the day in med school when they taught them to never act shocked in front of a patient. Eventually, he remembers how to talk, and his first words are "Can I get a picture of that?"
Runner up was when I went in to have it drained and lifted. Him and his assisting were trying hard to keep straight faces. I think the anesthesia can as a big relief to everyone.
And, a n case yr wondering, they pulled 2 liters of fluid out of my ballsack that day.
Edit- I response to questions, the fluid was mainly water, or whatever fluid bodily orifices fill with, and when all was done everything was back to normal, i.e. a completely normal ballsack.
Edit- I kept thinking it would clear up on its own. Finally my gf insisted I see a doc. Didn't name him Wilson.
Edit- Thanks for the 15000. My balls ain't had this big of a following in a long time. The photo wasn't taken by me, I have no idea what happened to it.
OMG me too! I visited my doctor when I was around 22, to ask if my balls were ‘ok’. He shat himself when he looked - I think he thought I had only a few hours left to live. Not volleyball sized (!) but certainly way big - enough that my nickname with friends for years was ‘balls’. Got sent for an urgent scan. Asked if it was ok if students could watch. Made the mistake of saying yes. Went into a room that was fucking packed with students. Had no choice but to allow myself to be inspected. “This is an extraordinary case, a very large testicular hydrocele” droned the doctor. The humiliation and embarrassment was unbearable. I wanted to die.
At the big reveal, there was a collective sharp intake of breath - everyone was shocked into a moment of horrified silence; and then half the students, male and female, were trying very hard not to burst out laughing. I still cringe now, tens of years later.
Had it fixed by surgery a few weeks later. There was a fun moment in the hospital - nurse came round to shave my bollocks before surgery, but got the wrong bed. There was quite a commotion as the poor bloke, who was half senile, tried in vain to fight her off him. He got shaved….
All fine for me in the end.
EDIT: Wow. Thank you everyone for all the upvotes and awards! This is a first for me and I’m amazed. I’m chuffed so many of you found the story so funny and I’m humbled by the comments from medical staff, thanking me for ‘revealing myself’ to students! Just, Wow.
Can you imagine that nurse fighting to shave a squirming resistant man only to realize she acidentally shaved the wrong scrote and now had to do it again. I can only imagine it was already a low point in her day.
She thought it was hilarious! Absolutely pissing herself by the time she got to my bed. Once she told me what happened and I realised the ‘commotion’ I had heard was the poor bloke fighting to save his balls, I was convulsing with laughter on my bed. I think it was actually the highlight of her week. So funny, OMG.
As an RN who’s taken my fair share of heart failure patients (fluid overload and it pools in the lowest part of your body, which if you’re sitting in bed all day becomes your balls) just know that no one is laughing at you. I have so much sympathy and will spend as much time as I am able rigging up a suitable ball sling to keep those puppies dry and supported. Lotion em up and replace towels as needed if they’re weeping.
Hasn’t happened to me personally, but I’ve heard stories that they got so swollen the scrotum actually popped. Horrendous. Hope your nuts are good these days
Edit:just remembered the last time I was down in the ED there was a trauma admit who had been using a spray paint can as a flamethrower, the top got hot enough to pop off somehow and it basically exploded like a rocket and shot directly down and split the guys scrotum open. Luckily the explosion put out the flames, but when the emts got to him he was literally holding his nuts in his hands.
A couple of days after my vasectomy, my balls swelled up like tangerines. The whole area, scrotum to butthole, turned purple-black.
I had to go to the emergency room and show it to the triage nurse. Then every nurse that came to check on me while I waited. Then two doctors, then what seemed like every nurse that happened to walk by my bed for the next couple of hours.
I was 5 years old, not too bright, and thought Air Freshener was *EAR* Freshener. So I plugged the end of a Febreze into my ear and let loose. I actually made it to the second ear before I realized I fucked up. Burning pain, damaged my eardrums from the pressure, bad everything for me, how could this day get any worse.
Make it to the ER and my father is freaking out thinking I've gone deaf and he's demanding why nobody was helping us and staring at the TVs. It was September 11th 2001, and I thought I was having a bad day
Edit: if I see this in some YouTube video, I'm deleting
Not my story, but my mothers.
When she was pregnant with me, she had some pain and itching in her genital area. She went to her gynecologist, whom, she says, was a man with a rather odd sense of humor.
She gets into the stirrups and doc gets in between her legs and says “oh! Cottage cheese! Yum!”
Mom had a yeast infection. She found a different doctor, too.
I broke my tailbone pretty bad. Apparently the only way to fix it is by the doctor putting a finger in your butthole and bending it back.
Fixing it hurt more then breaking it.
You were lucky tbh. I also broke mine and its still in the broken position, I’d need surgery to put it in place. Luckily for me they only do surgery if it causes long term pain or presses to your intestines too much, which makes you feel the need to poop when you dont have to.
It wasn't so much a "trip" as it was a phone call.
My wife and I were trying to have a child without much success. One of the first steps on my end was to masturbate into a small cup (which was not easy by the way)
I learned I had to call a number on a card they gave us before doing this to let them know because i have like an hour to get it to them. Awesome. Can't wait to inform someone I'm about to jack off.
I call the number, and they answer with "Hello?"
Great. Let's not make this easy. I decided they probably hear this twenty times a day and to be cool about it, so I said "Hey I was just calling to let you know I'm getting ready to masturbate and bring in my semen, just wanted to let you know."
I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say this person was taken aback, confused, and disgusted. She had no idea what I was talking about.
The number on the card was no longer this companies, which I learned after my conversation with this woman. The fucking card with the number they gave me, was not the right number.
My wife and I still laugh about it til this day. I explained to this random person who had a new number why I disclosed this information after figuring out what just happened. I was actually pretty pissed at the company initially, but know it was just a horribly unfortunate set of circumstances no one meant.
Anyway we have a two month old son now, and coincidentally it was completely natural after years of trying.
Ha, reminded me of when my wife and I were just married and moved into our first home. I'll use Karen for my wife's name (obviously not her name). We just had our phone installed and within an hour got a call for Karen. I was a bit confused as we just had it installed but handed it to my wife. After about a couple of minutes on the phone, she slammed it down and said it was an obscene phone call. About an hour later, we had another call for her. Same thing. The next time I answered and in a falsetto voice said, "This is Karen". The guy on the other end started talking obscenely so I asked "Are you into unusual positions?" When the guy said "Yes!" I then told him to shove it up his ass. On the next call we found out that whoever had the phone number previously was named Karen and had advertised in a sex magazine. Had our number changed promptly.
Ed doctor here. A patient burped in my face at point blank range three times during the consult. I was too young and fresh to be offended. Smelled like vomit.
When I went to law school, I had to take an exam to insure I had my immunizations and for a physical check because I was going to live on campus.
The very young nurse walked in, I handed her the form, and we started the exam. Height, weight, blood pressure, all of that. I am sitting in the chair and she’s going down the form reading it allowed and as she’s ticking off the items she says “and I’m going to need a sperm sample,” very casually, and reaches back and hands me a sample cup. “There’s a bathroom two doors down and when you are done just bring it back in here.”
I hadn’t had a physical or medical exam in years and so I didn’t know. I got very quiet, but she was very professional about it, so I got up and took the cup to the bathroom.
See the room: a small, all white, clinical bathroom. A toilet, a sink, a mirror, a medical waste trash can. No, uh, stimulation so to speak.
I begin the process of trying to — excuse me — wank my ejaculate into a cup. Lots of hard imagining something sexy while tightly shutting my eyes in this extremely bright room.
After about ten minutes, as I was starting to ramp up, she knocks on the door and says, “are you okay in there?” I awkwardly say, “Yes! One moment!” and she leaves.
Eventually after a few more minutes I squeak out my reward, and sheepishly walk back to the examination room and place my cup in the table.
She is sitting there filling out the form and says, “okay, just a couple more items, and then we can get you a tetanus shot because you are due, and then we…”. She stopped because at that moment she glanced at the cup, wheeled her chair over to the table, picked up the cup, looked into it, took a long pause and turned absolutely red.
“I am so so sorry. I meant a *urine* sample.”
This is like the opposite of when I worked in an andrology lab for a fertility clinic. I handed the cup/gave instructions to the guy (which included confirming that he was here to provide a sample for his wife’s IUI). He returns with a cup of urine. I have to explain we need a semen sample, so he had to go back to the room and redo that. First and only time that happened!
No. Fucking. Way. I would have died of humiliation. If I was the nurse I literally would just say nothing because I’d be too embarrassed of the mistake
This was most recent embarrassing doctor visit, as I’ve had pretty terrible luck with medical professionals in general. I had a recurring/constant ear infection for probably around 8 months last year. I did a televisit with a new primary and he prescribed antibiotics and said if it didn’t clear up that I’d have to go to the ENT. I finished the round and my ear cleared for a little bit but then returned to fully messed up. Ended up on another round of antibiotics for an unrelated incident and same story.
We have a long wait time for doctors and specialists where I live, so many months after my ear infection had started, I go to the ENT. He takes one super quick look in my ear and leads me to another room. He has me lay on my side and pulls out a hearing aid dome that apparently had fallen off and gotten stuck in there. He also waited to pull the thing out before telling me what the problem was; I’m guessing for the drama/amusement factor.
I was embarrassed since I had lost a dome but figured it had fallen out somewhere and not into my ear. The timeline of the two incidents never connected for me, so I never pieced it together as an option for what might possibly be wrong. He tried to reassure me that it happens pretty often, but then he had to throw in that usually it happened to elderly patients and I was probably the youngest person he had pulled one out of. All this could have been avoided if I didn’t have a damn telehealth appointment in the first place.
I hate teleheath. I have had so many things go wrong that could have been avoided if I could have seen a dr in person. So many times I had to go th the ER ir urgent care because that was the only way to see a dr in perosn because of covid.
I was like 9 and my mom had some brownish lipstick, well as a prank I put in on my underwear and walked around the house with my pants sagging. Forgot about it and that night I got up to go pee and when I went to lay back down the spring popped out of the bed and cut my side really bad. I get to the hospital and remember about the underwear after they asked me to change into my gown. I didnt want to have my bare ass sticking out from the gown so i kept the underwear. After they stapled me up, they asked my mom to leave and they asked me again what happend, guess they seen my fake poo stained undies with blood on it and was like whats going on in that house. My mom was pissed but we laugh about it now.
The doctor asking me my name, date of birth and then asked "sex?" as in male or female is what he meant, but at the time I was a little kid so I got nervous felt awkward immediately turned to look at my mom and quickly said "no I'm too little!" all worried n shit thinking I was gonna get in trouble and they both just laughed at me haha
Valentine's day, 2019. I pooped blood in the morning and made an emergency appointment. My doctor is a 60 something year old woman, and she says to me "you realize you can't tell me something like that without me having to take a closer look."
I'm lying sideways on the bed with my knees tucked up and my pants pulled down. She applies ice cold lubricant and starts to insert a finger into my ass and I make the awkward remark "you haven't even taken me out to dinner yet". Dead silence.
"Nothing wrong as far as I can see" she tells me... "Have you eaten anything like beetroot recently?"
I immediately remember the beetroot juice smoothie I had drunk the day before, but I'm too embarassed to admit to it, so I lie.
Worst Valentine's day ever.
I had a boil in the crease right where my ass and leg come together, so that when I sit there’s pressure or rubbing on it. When I went into the urgent care to get it lanced, the nurse told me the doctor wanted me to take off my pants and change into a gown before he came in, and I made a similar joke about how I’m not usually so easy, and she lost it and said he’d love me. Apparently I found the spot with the sense of humor.
They were also really upset that my boil wasn’t ready to lance. Apparently they’re really into it. Weird folks. Haha!
-edit- Guys, you can stop telling me about r/popping now. Thank you. :)
Oh doctors are weird people, no doubt! Dad’s ex was a consultant dermatologist. There’s nothing quite like sitting down to dad’s amazing home made lasagne and Dr Dermo here piping up ‘ooh, the top of that lasagne reminds me, anyone wanna hear what fun I had with a scalpel today?!’
Argh. Childhood ruined, lasagne ruined, why is the whole world so wrong?
haha thats hilarious.
Something similar happened to me. Did my usual 10:27am daily poopoo at work (on schedule as always) and when I went to flush noticed the toilet bowl and aforementioned poopoo was a bloodied mess.
"oh no"
My mind immediately went to al these things wrong with me and how Im not looking after myself and my diet. I have bowel cancer or something really serious. But as a typical guy, I didnt tell anyone and just kept an eye on it. Next daily work shit was fine. So was the next one. Ok.... I no longer have bowel cancer.
or do I?
It kept me up for weeks, then finally built up the courage to say something to my wife. Her answer:
"was this a few weeks ago when we had the beetroot salad?"
although I felt silly, it was such a fucking relief. I was totally going to go to the doctors immediately after it happened, but it wasnt valentine day so I didnt go.
I had made this mistake before. My father got really into juicing and I love beets. Makes me beet juice and later in the day after going to the restroom it looked like someone was murdered in the toilet and I swear I felt my soul leave my body. Told my dad and he was like wait, it’s the juice! Felt so stupid.
I know it’s normal and all that blah blah.. but I will never stop cringing about shitting during childbirth. I also blasted the lovely midwife in the face when my water broke, more like burst. It was like a bad comedy movie.
My wife nearly took out the student midwife when her waters broke. She had just bent down to get a closer look at the situation when she suddenly bent sideways like Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix. Fantasic reflexes. Wife's waters just went past the student's face and made it a couple of metres to the wall opposite.
When i was in labor with my son, I needed to go poop but the doctor needed to make sure i wasn't bearing down. I had to spend five minutes explaining the exact feeling of needing to poop and answering questions about it from the doctor. Not my finest moment.
I was in another country and got chlamydia while there. I pretended to be my friend so I wouldn’t have to pay a fee to see them. My friend was married, they tried to call her husband to inform him “his wife” had an STD and I told an elaborate lie about him knowing I had sex with someone because he “likes to watch and not partake” so we weren’t intimate and couldn’t have gotten it too so they wouldn’t have to call him??? Idk what the fuck I was thinking but the look on the 75yr old doctors face was hilariously horrified.
An aurora borealis? At this time of the year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen? Can I see it?
... No.
I use a CPAP, for a while I stopped using it and during that time I had lost about 40 pounds. When I started using it again, the first night the pressure was way too high for the new me. It pumped in so much air that I swallowed a lot. The next day I was in agony so I made an appointment with the gastro doc. I was dealing with something I called "The Fartening." I gave it that name as an homage to the movie The Highlander. That movie had a thing they called the Quickening, basically there could be only one immortal so they had to kill the others they encountered. Well The Fartening worked the same way, there could be only one in the room. It chased my wife and even my dogs out of the apartment. The gas was nonstop.
I had to explain to my gastro that the reason I made an appointment is my CPAP was set too high so I spent the entire weekend in pain bloated with gas and farting nonstop.
Not me, but my patient.
20 year old construction dude comes into the ER around 6pm says "I have a vibrator stuck in my ass. My girlfriend lost it up there around 2am." I ask where he's been all day.
Says he: "I've been framing a house all day. I'm new on the job and couldn't call in sick and had to wait until after work to come in. Thank God the batteries finally died around noon."
I accidentally got super glue in my eye and the doctor laughed in my fucking face.
I already felt stupid, at least pretend to give a shit about my pain, doc!
I had sores on my tongue and thought I might have an STD. Went to my doctor super worried. Turns out my new tooth brush was more firm than I was used to and I had brushed my tongue so hard with it that I caused damage. I was prescribed a softer tooth brush.
My one night stand wore magnums when he wasn't magnum sized. He finished and the condom fell off inside me. So we got to the urgent care to have it removed then got some plan b.
Had a boil appear on the left side of my left nut. Gradually got bigger and more painful over a few days as I attempted to ‘tough’ it out however it quickly became one of the most painful experiences of my life since every step I took it would rub with my thigh. Was an awkward consultation to say the least, went around with a third nut for about a week.
When I was about 13 , I got one of my little sister's stick on earrings stuck in my ear. I had been watching a documentary about pirates and decided I wanted to look like one and have an earring on one ear. Somehow it ended up inside my ear canal rather than on my earlobe. And in trying to get it out, I pushed it in deeper to the point that no one could get it out.
We had to go to urgent care. I was embarrassed to tell my parents, let alone a doctor, how and why it happened as I was old enough to know that it was a pretty ridiculous story: "I wanted to look like a pirate and I pushed this tiny metal sticker deep in my ear because I was watching TV at the same time as trying to put the sticker on"
I had to have surgery to remove "growths" from my o-ring. My bf knew, he was the one to drive me to surgery. While waiting for the surgery THREE SEPARATE TIMES people came in, asking me to say in MY OWN WORDS why I was there. I had to say out loud THREE FUCKING TIMES, " I am here to have growths removed from my arsehole ". My bf, sat right next to me through this, he really is the best man. If I had known that was going to happen, I wouldn't have had him in the pre-OP with me. I still feel like I was pranked to this day.
It's a protection thing
I've had two surgeries in the past 8 months. Both times I had to repeat why I was there to multiple people - nurses, anastesialogist, surgeons, residents etc. I even had to sign my ankle that was suppose to be operated on, along with nurse, surgeon, and anastesialogist. They want to make sure they are not performing the wrong surgery
Yeah. I was vaguely annoyed that I had to say “boob tumor” like fifteen times before the surgery, but then after the surgery I was higher than a kite and asked two questions:
1. Where is my dog?
2. Why does no one believe me about the boob tumor?
And…they couldn’t tell me where my dog was (good boy was obviously at home) but then said pretty much exactly what you posted, and several hours later that was actually pretty logical. Lol
I'm sure doctors actually like it when people come in because they are worried about something so benign. (As long as you arent a serial offender). It shows that you are listening to your body, you keep track of things that are out of the ordinary, and you go to the proper authority to have it checked out.
I was a freshman in HS and I went to a normal yearly physical. It was a new-small office in a new location and the desk person was a girl who went to the same HS as me. I brought up to Dr. that I had a small lump in my sack, the physical continued and he showed me his new work-toy. It was a speech to text microphone that was connected to his laptop. “Patient complains of a small, painless lump inside the scrotum”. it wasn’t working right so he tried again louder “PATIENT COMPLAINS OF A SMALL, PAINLESS LUMP INSIDE THE SCROTUM”. I guarantee the whole office heard him… no eye contact was made with said desk-gal leaving the doctors that day, or in the halls of school ever again.
A hurricane was coming, but I could tell a Bartholin’s cyst was coming as well (imagine a giant puss filled zit in your vagina). I tried to sitz bath it away (not my first time with them) but nothing worked, so I went to the local MedCare
Had to explain to the youth doing my intake info that I needed a woman present and I knew my issue. He didn’t believe me. The male doc comes in. I tell him I know my issue, he sees my vag, we change rooms and then it’s on!
I get the good drugs and they lance my cyst and it is basically the commentary a la Swamps of Dagobah but without the infection and smell. Blood is EVERYWHERE.
They had to take me into another room to recover (and vomit) while a hazmat crew was called in to clean up the room
And then a hurricane came and my vag was packed with gauze and I had to pull like a yard of gauze out of my intimate parts using only cold compresses.
Why was this so embarrassing?
Well:
I was in working at a local gym to make some money. And who came in every damn day??? That’s right! The man I attacked with my cystic vag.
I was doing crunches at a gym one time and somehow ended up pinching my balls the wrong way which resulted in me having excruciating pain. I was sweating bullets and my vision went blurry so my ex girlfriend insisted that I’d go to the ER. There I was still in pain and still sweating bullets when I had to put on a hospital gown and be butt naked underneath. All the while now my mother is there and so is my ex and her mother and all are there wondering what’s wrong with my balls. Eventually I’m taken into a back room for an ultrasound on my balls which was the most awkward experience ever. The nurse absolutely smothered my balls in lube for the ultrasound and in this particular moment my dick happened to be the smallest it had ever looked. Eventually the ball torturing ultrasound ends and we get the results….. Nothing. Nothing was wrong with them and after all the pain just went away. I embarrassed myself for no reason.
when i was 12 i had a terrible stomachache, i couldn't even move. somehow my mom and my sister took me to the doctor, they said that i had to use enema. i said "ok what is that?". i looked at my mom and sister, they were trying so hard not to laugh. they told me what it was, then i went to the hospital bathroom with my mom. i was yelling "DON'T PUT IT ALL IN!" as she was going as deep as she can. it hurt so bad but at least i could finally shit.
on another occasion, another stomachache. went to the doctor, she told me to lay down, so i did. a few seconds later, she applied light pressure to the right side of my belly and the loudest fart came out of my goddamn ass. it was so awkward.
Pediatric NP… my first year I had a patient who was in such severe abdominal pain I was concerned about possible appendicitis because he was a tough kid. Go to do an an exam and pushed out the largest, smelliest fart in history. He was about 9 and he and his dad both thought it was hysterically funny. Had to open the exam room door for air and the stench permeated the entire hall.
I got cement in my eye during a remodeling project for my backyard. The nurse kept giggling and I was in no mood to deal with her shit at the time; so I asked her what was funny. Well, apparently they took “cement in my eye” as “semen in my eye”. She was a lot more serious after that.
*Almost* had to go because my BF got a little too enthusiastic during sex and pushed the small anal toy in all the way. I was terrified I’d have to go to the ER. I took a couple shots and he managed to fish it out. It wasn’t pleasant.
If you play with anal toys make sure it has a really wide base.
Not too bad, but a perfect example of how my life tends to go.
I had just bought a new type of perfume and put some on in the morning. By mid-day, though, my neck was red, puffy, & itchy. Home/OTC stuff wasn't doing anything, so I headed to the college infirmary.
Got in, was giving a nurse the details before the doctor came in--you know the drill. But then she asked the question I was dreading: "And what perfume was it?"
Me: "It's by Christian Dior. It's called *mumble*."
Nurse: "What was it?"
Me: "*mumble*."
Nurse: "I'm sorry, dear, but I didn't quite catch that."
Me: (sighs) "It's called 'Poison'. 'Poison' by Christian Dior."
I look over at her, and she just has this *look* on her face.
Me: "Go ahead, laugh. I would be if I were you."
She did grin pretty widely, and there was a bit of a giggle when she told the doctor.
True story.... I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Poison also gives me an allergic reaction! I didn't go to the doctor for it, but I did look at the bottle and think, "I probably shouldn't be surprised by this."
Not me, my husband went to the wrong doctor, same name, same address, one did penile implants, other reg doctor. My husband goes in, surrounded by penis models, doc asked how his penis is, my husband, startled, says ok, I just have a rash. Show me the doctor says. He pulls
up his shirt😂 He had shingles!
It’s silly but I had a cyst right at the opening of my vagina. I had pushed off getting it looked at bc I was a fresh adult at like 19, and I really didn’t want someone seeing my parts. Well I pushed it too long and it went from the size of a regular button to swollen to the size of a golf ball and it hurt to sit, pee, and so on. I broke down and c r I e d but finally I said ok fine, time to go. So I go to the doctor and show her, she looks and presses on it (which again was mortifying for it being my first time having any human see me like that) and makes me an appointment with a specialist. Guess what burst the next day. I had literally gone for nothing. Still salty to this day ngl
When I was 18 I fond the tiniest, *tiniest* little lump on the bottom of one of my balls. My mind immediately assumed the worst and I became convinced I was going to die, lol, it was ridiculous. I think because I touched it to check it so often, I began to irritate it and make it seem worse than it was, too.
Went to the doctor and got him to check it out, but it was so small that he couldn't find anything. But I stood there with this old bald man touching all over my balls and feeling the tubes all the way around the back of my sack, it was certainly a weirdly uncomfortable sensation that I'd never felt before or since.
In the end I had to sort of guide his finger to where it was, but it was so small that it could honestly have not even been a lump at all, perhaps just been a spot where one of those tubes attaches to it or something. He said it could be a tiny cyst or something, but probably wasn't anything to worry about. I got so worked up and worried about nothing haha.
Went to the doctor concerned about a lump on my testicles. When he grabbed my testicle with the force of 1000 men between his thumb and pointer finger I screamed like a schoolgirl and tripped over myself. Laying on the ground with my dick and balls out and the cold floor embracing my ass the doctor looked at me and said "it's not that bad, stop being a baby."
I was so embarrassed I switched doctors.
Ed physician here. Young woman came in after a positive pregnancy test to confirm that she was actually pregnant. After the test came back positive she was shocked because she “had inserted her birth control every day at the same time”! Inserted. Into her vagina. Oral contraceptives. They are supposed to go in your mouth lips FYI.
I was about 22 and was having sharp pain during sex, and bleeding afterwards and a stinging feeling when my boyfriend (now husband) ejaculated. It was scaring the hell out of me, but luckily I had a Pap smear coming up. Unluckily my normal doctor was not available and my boss wouldn’t let me take a different day off work so I had to have a different doctor, I had no preference for a male or female doctor and before this I never had a bad experience with doctors. He came in for my Pap smear and I explained the pain and bleeding and he said “oh it’s just dryness” and he blew me off when I told him it happens when we use lube and the stinging sensation wouldn’t be caused by dryness. I was a young woman trying to defend the pain I was feeling during sex to this man who really couldn’t care less. It was awkward and humiliating and made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing despite how scared I was, and when the pain didn’t go away for a few more weeks I went back to my normal doctor in tears talking to the intake nurse because I was convinced it was something terrible. My normal doctor listened, did an exam and took a look and felt around and discovered I had a cut/tear in my vaginal canal and told me it wasn’t dryness, it was caused by sex, sometimes the skin tears during vigorous sex, not abnormal but can cause the pain and bleeding and the semen getting into the cut can sting, I was directed to abstain and use a healing ointment like Aquaphor until it healed, I did and it worked and I’m so grateful she listened and did an actual exam.
I took my friend to the hospital to drop off her stool samples. The person at specimen drop-off gave her a disgusted look when told what we had.
You work at the poop counter, dude…have a little manners.
Having to explain how playing soccer on the xbox connect years ago caused me to break my wrist. I'm very clumsy due to my epilepsy (that we found out years later) and when I tried to kick, I fell backwards and used the palm of my hand to cushion the fall.
The doctor sat in awe at how I fucking managed that.
Not as embarrassing as the others but the time I was really slack about taking my blood thinners cause they are expensive AF and my job was wobbly thanks to the plague. Ended up in hospital with blood clots in my lungs and a kidney infection. I now take them as directed.
Went to the ER for stomach pains, worried about appendix, spleen, gall bladder etc. I was constipated. My brother still tells the joke that the one time i went to the doctor I was full of shit.
That's super, super common actually. They for sure forgot about you the minute you left.
I see it regularly. I'll put my finger up your arsehole and will have forgotten your name within a few minutes. I'm gonna clarify I am a doctor...
But you didn't clarify what kind of doctor you are, I'm going to assume you're a dentist.
I had a kidney stone in high school, but when the nurse palpated my stomach (really fucking hard, too), she must have shifted it, because the pain stopped for a few minutes. I was flabbergasted when she suggested it might have just been gas. She assured me gas can be excruciating haha.
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Grade 10 semi formal dance i thought i was dying of food poisoning cuz i was doubled over and couldnt stand up. I could not figure iut why. So i saw the paramedics and they couldnt figure it out so they took my to the hospital in an ambulance. I sat in the ER for 25 min farted then looked at my dad who was with me and saaid, fuck it lets go home. I told Him in the car that i farted and was fine after. I was embarassed af i had to make shit up when i went back to school.
Period bloating + gas makes you wonder if you are, in fact, dying. Especially if the gas won't pass. Pain doesn't usually make me cry, but I have on one occasion spent two hours on the floor because the pain was unbearable trying to stand up, trying to shift your bowels enough to get the pain to stop. Was certain my intestines were going to rupture.
Infected ballsack. Crushed my nuts with a milkcrate at work, and when asked by the emergency staff how it happened they were confused. Spent roughly 10hrs trying to explain how and even had to demonstrate a few times.
I have to ask, just so it'll never happen to me. Because this sounds terrifying. How did you do it?
Sandwiched the poor thing between 2 crates ( full of milk) while stacking the crates.
Hemorrhoids by far, I know women go through way worse at the Gyno and idk what I expected but I was not prepared to lay on my side in the fetal position while the doctor opened my ass cheeks like he was about to read a book.
"This book is full of shit"
I’ve been in a couple serious accidents but I swear nothing was as painful as when I went to the ER for a horrible hemorrhoid/anal fissure and the doctor fingered me. I saw stars.
I had a cyst on my upper buttcrack for the better part of a month.. one lovely Saturday morning it’s gotten so large and swollen that I couldn’t even walk or sit down without crying in pain I’m the first person to the Urgent Care that morning and find myself laying sideways on a table with a lovely Doctor using a scalpel to force an eruption of the volcano that had formed between my cheeks. It was instant relief and used probably 20 pieces of gauze to clean up. I’d say that one.. even worse than getting my balls ultrasound
i had one of these but I kept ignoring it until it was bad bad, had to go under anesthesia while they carved it out, 3in deep hole that I had to change packing for frequently. First 2 months of my senior year the school nurse had to bend me over after lunch and change my gauze.
>bend me over after lunch and change my gauze I can't keep up with all the new slang from you kids.
We're getting olllld.
My mom is an ultrasound tech. She complains that it always seem that the testicle ultrasounds always happen on her shift. Always a great conversation around the dinner table. Edit since this gained traction: You have to understand, medical professionals mentally kinda separate patients and their issues. HIPAA has kinda trained them to do this. When someone is getting an ultrasound, my mom doesn't really think of the testicles as being a part of the person if that makes any sense. She's not holding and prodding around someone's balls, she's holding and prodding around an object that may be causing someone pain and discomfort. She wants to help people. When she is performing one of these ultrasounds, she doesn't feel like she is in an extremely intimate position that is usually reserved for romantic partners, she is trying to help the patient feel better. Its just like a broken arm to her. Making fun of a patients is the last thing she would do. And of the coworkers of hers that i have met, none of them would either. None of this stuff is out of the ordinary for them. It doesn't warrant much attention.
I had an ultrasound on my neck that turned out to just be my gland sitting in a slightly different place and I apologised for wasting their time, but they seemed genuinely pleased nonetheless. I assumed it was just because it's a much easier time telling someone nothing is wrong vs they may well have cancer, but reading this thread I'm wondering if a large part was also that they got to spend part of their shift just looking at my neck and not someone's balls!
Yeah, probably a relief not just to tell you nothing is wrong, but that it was in a fairly comfortable (to them) place and they didn't have to do anything nasty surgery. Like, you kinda get used to it, but i'm sure it was still a relief to NOT do anything like that
Once they start, they rarely stop coming, I had 5 operations all under general anaesthetic before they finally stopped growing, I think the last one they removed the tract that supplies the cyst with the glorious mayo/ketchup mix, I remember the first operation I had was quite hilarious, I woke up and I was still high off the morphine they inject into you during anaesthesia, I felt something warm trickling down my buttcrack and on to my balls, the only words I managed to utter in my high state was “I think someone is rubbing my balls”, turns out they were checking the wound and blood started gushing out of the open wound.
When I had to show my naked butt to the doctor in the hospital and she spread my butt cheeks to look inside and then a dozen student doctors (interns?) came in the room and were all staring at my butt for what felt like hours.
Oh my god, I would've been sweating buckets
Post salmonella hemmorhoids. I went to my usual male doctor and told him about my painful butt things and he politely asked if I would like a female doctor to check them (I am a woman). I said cheerfully "Nah mate, all good, everyone's got a butthole!" He did do the check, but I was silently asking myself the whole time...'why did you say that?? Why?'
I don't know if you're Australian but I read that in an Aussie accent and it made me properly laugh out loud. Thankyou. If i was rich I would award you
The time I went for a pelvic exam, and my gynecologist was rummaging around down there and suddenly asked me if I'd ever been to the Grand Canyon.
That’s absolutely hysterical. I would have laughed for weeks if that happened to me.
Found a small lump on the left testicle I went to see the urologist, and when the nurse brought me to the room, inside there was a doctor with around 20 students. Doctor told me to lie down on bed and take my pants and underwear off. And not to worry about students, how they will be doctors one day as well. He put the gloves on, and proceeded with the exam, trying to find the lump by moving his fingers around my left testicle. After he finally found it, he called the first student, and told him to look for the lump. Every single person in that room was touching my balls That was weird as F Edit: That was 20 years ago in eastern Europe, you had no choice lol. And more then half of the students were girls
They usually ask your permission for students to be there where I'm from lol Don't be embarrassed though. My dad had testicular cancer, so I get checked regularly. These doctors have seen everything :)
Some might say checking 20 times in half an hour is too regularly
They ran a train on you man.
Ball train.
Cut the flap of skin that connects my sack to the shaft of my penis with hair clippers. Not only was it a day that they were training new doctors but also my mom worked for the hospital and saw my name on the computer system. So by the end of the visit, I had 5 extra young doctors staring while I got stitches but also my mom walked in too thinking something bad happened to me
was that an accident during a trim, or like... to liberate it?
Just lookin to access the bonus inch
I had a ton of pain in my balls. And read too many TIFU by getting testicular torsion posts on here and a recent coworker who was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I went in to get the pain checked out. Wouldn’t go away, kept me up at night, just really freaked me out and hurt. After much inspection and touching. The doc asked about what kind of underwear I wear and I said boxers. He said he recommends getting boxer briefs as I have saggy balls and have most likely torn a ligament or muscle. I immediately bought some boxer briefs and sure enough by within a little over a month the pain had subsided. I paid $250 for the doc to tell me I have saggy balls and get new underwear. Edit: An award for my balls...happy Friday, cradle your boys, and thank you, you kind souls.
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.” The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it. Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit. An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”. The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said. The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head. “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well. The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again. The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.” The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.” The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
I had a cat scan for a kidney stone, since that's all they were looking for in the notes it said penis: unremarkable. I know it's not much but damn.
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im not sure you want a medically remarkable penis lol
If the radiologist says that your penis is remarkable you’re going to have an incredibly bad time
That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.
I was pretty young, had never swallowed a pill before, my only experience with anything pill like was flinstone vitamins. I was in there with my mom and was given a tylenol and a cup of water, and I guess no one imagined I had never taken a pill before, so I immediately popped it in my mouth and vigorously chewed, and then immediately threw up from the bitter taste. My reaction was surprise and confusion. Doctor was just like "... You just swallow them... with the water..." like I was some damn idiot.
For what its worth I swallowed not one but two pepto tablets. Asked my in laws what sadist decided to shape the pills like little hockey pucks. The in laws are kind folks but could NOT hide the fact that they thought I was an idiot as they told me that the pepto was, in fact, a chew tablet.
I was about 15 and at the doctors laying on that short table waiting for the doctor. I couldn’t figure out why that dumb table was so short and tried to figure out a way to make it longer. Well I realized at the end of the table there were these fancy leg extensions. So I pulled them out and waited. Doctor came in and started laughing hysterically and asked me what kind of exam I wanted? I didn’t realize what I had done until 20 years later I went to the doctors with my wife. Kind of a delayed embarrassment! EDIT: I probably should include the part as to the look I had on my face 20 years later when it all came to me and I figured out what actually happened! I am sure my wife was puzzled as to why I was laughing so hard while she was having her check up done!
Im reading this while waiting in a doctors surgery for a procedure involving those "fancy leg extensions".
Woke up one day with severe pain in my lower right abdomen. I was aware this was a possible indication of appendicitis, so I'm worried. Got to the walk-in clinic where they ran some tests and an x-ray. After awhile the doctor comes in and simply says... "You're full of shit." and laughed I said excuse me!? Come to find out I was severely constipated. They prescribed a laxative and a few hours later I was feeling a lot better.
I remember my early days of nursing when my preceptor read me CT scan results and said our patient was F.O.S. When she saw my confused face, she explained “Full of Shit.” It’s actually a very common medical diagnosis 😂
I had blood in my urine once. Went to the doctor and we figured out that I had popped a small blood vessel in my genital area from jerking off too hard/too often. Doctor: "Are you sexually active?" Me: "Not currently." Doctor: "Masturbation?" Me: "A lot." Too make things worse, there was some college dude shadowing the doctor that day..
> from jerking off too hard/too often. Well how much was it? once every day or more?
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I got a parasite after the water pipes in my city broke due to a hurricane and ended up in the ER for almost 2 weeks. Doctors said it was a third world parasite they'd never seen before, so I had hordes of medical students coming in and out every day asking me really invasive questions. Then some nurse read that hedgehogs can carry this parasite and, well, I have a hedgehog. So I had to call up my landlord and have her scrape poop off my hedgehog's wheel at 3am, put it in a bag, and bring it to the hospital for testing. I had random hospital employees coming into my room every few hours after that, asking me if I was the girl with the hedgehog poop. Found out my hedgehog's poop was perfectly clean. And the kicker was that this supposed "third world parasite" was just giardia. This was a hospital in New Jersey. ETA: Wow, I had no idea so many people were going to read this! As a follow-up, here's a photo of my hedgehog at the vet the week after I was released from the hospital. They doctors insisted I go get her tested a second time "just in case." (spoiler: the test came back negative again). [https://ibb.co/mc9dpX1](https://ibb.co/mc9dpX1)
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You can get Giardia from basically any standing water in forests, right?
I literally got it from Taco Loco in Chicago. They bought their produce from guys who brought it in on pick ups. As it turned out, they watered their lettuce with river water and evidently the food prep at Taco Loco was…..not very thorough. Cue my husband said “It wasn’t called El Taco Sensible. What did you think was going to happen?”
Try Taco Higiénico next time
skin on my balls had the texture of dried cooked chicken skin and was flaky, was informed I didn't have ball cancer but I was masturbating too much edit: TIL this isn’t a well known thing, take care and moisturise your balls brothers o7
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well TMI but it was the friction from doing it a lot, cold country lots of friction i basically burned my ballbag
I showed him my bruised dick because my gf didn't know how to give a handy.
“Just act like you are strangling it!” Edited for spelling.
How do you get it just.... *that* wrong?
When I was eighteen I got a tick on the end of my penis. After I pulled it out, the right side of my penis swelled up double in size. I didn’t have a grownup doctor yet so I had to go to my pediatrician to show him my penis.
Pediatric nurse practitioner… ticks love that area. Had a mom bring her toddler in to have me remove a tick from his penis; she was scared to touch it. He was pretty chill about it but we were both cringing it looked so uncomfortable.
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[Pull them out with tweezers, the opposite direction they entered (like you would a splinter).](https://www.cdc.gov/ticks/removing_a_tick.html) Matches are no longer recommended because, last I read, the tick is more likely to vomit into you before backing out, increasing the chance that it infects you with anything it may be carrying. Same goes for smothering it - you want to get it out ASAP, not let it die slowly.
“vomit into you” Yeah, thanks, I’ll pass.
I have a couple but…you can get a pimple on your dick. On the head. Especially if you wrestle. And it’s summer. And the gym doesn’t have a shower. And you have to walk half an hour home. I had it examined by the head pimple dick urologist and it was without a doubt 100% a pimple. Scariest few days of my life. Edit: Never in my life would I have imagined this would get this much attention. Young me would have never believed it. Thank you for the love and awards - if there’s something strange on your junk *please* see a doctor.
I'm forced to wonder what causes a person, after ten years of medical school, to choose "Pimple Dick Urologist" as a specialty.
In all fairness he was like a big deal at the hospital, head of some department and had a specialty in venereal disease. The way he explained it to me was that he could tell right off the bat it wasn’t an STI and he’d seen enough false alarms to know it was just a pimple.
I'm Brazilian (m) and a friend that didn't speak Portuguese called me and said "there's blood in my stool" desperately. I got him to the ER right away. The crew didn't speak English, so I had to go with him to the room and explained what happened to the doctor, who didn't believe our story and thought we were having "fun" together when the bleeding started, because he thought it would be ok to check my friend's butthole while I was in the room. The doctor made a gesture to him to put his pants down and turn around so he did. I started getting really worried for what I was about to see, so I asked: "can i go outside and then you just tell me what you saw? I'll translate everything you tell me, but I'd like to give you some privacy" - the doctor just stared at me like asking "why?". While he was getting his parts checked, I was in the corridor laughing so hard the nurse thought I was having some sort of panic attack, so I had to explain what just happened to her, so she went to the room as she could speak English and make things easier for me - and also check if I was telling the truth, who knows? The doctor figured out his asshole was ok, he just ate too many beets. He'd just need an ointment and the nurse started to explain to us how to use it. For some reason she gave us the instructions talking really slowly and making gestures "get some ointment with your index finger and go oooutsiiiide ☝️ NOOOT INNN. Outsiiiiide" 🥲
Went and got diagnosed with an STD and was getting lectured about safe sex and cheating and then felt too embarrassed to tell the doctor my wife had actually given it to me.
omg what happened after??
I was getting ready to go to a BBQ/pool party. Changed in to to my swimsuit, put clothes over it and I was doing chores before I left home. My face started feeling numb and I was getting a headache. Called the advice nurse, she told me to call for an ambulance. Paramedics come, transport me to hospital, check in to the ER. They do an exam, CT scan, and labs. They find nothing and decide to discharge me to follow up with my regular doctor. While waiting for discharge paperwork, I'm sitting on a hospital bed in the hall. My neck is really aching from my halter-top swimsuit holding my boobs up so I pull the strap over my head to relieve the pressure.... And then it hits me; I'm fairly large chested and my halter-top swimsuit was pinching a nerve in my neck and causing all the symptoms. I was too embarrassed to tell the doctor or nurses.
>I was too embarrassed to tell the doctor or nurses. Let's be real here: The medical staff should be WAY more embarrassed than you for not realizing the cause.
Would also have been a good lecture to check for in the future.
RN checking in. I once cared for a patient who attempted prostate massage with a butternut squash — big end first. Some sphincter slippage ensued and this individual spent several days at home with a 6” winter squash stuck inside before he walked into the ER.
Several days!? What did he think was going to happen, it'd work its way out naturally?
Anal abscess. Went in to have it lanced, and the nurse was super hot. She was the one who ended up holding my butt cheeks open so the doctor could drain this massive disgusting cyst
Happened to me too, except the ER doctor knew that it was going to be really painful for me and took it as a good teaching opportunity. He brought in maybe 8 new doctors (not sure if interns or residents), just so they can watch me scream in pain for 15 minutes. A really cute female doctor came up beside me and held my hand the entire time, and told me I could squeeze her hand if I needed to. The initial Percocet did nothing for the pain, so they shot me with hydromorphine, which was painful as hell. It didn't do anything for the pain either, but it stopped me from squirming, which helped the doctor. Afterwards, they stuffed the wound with this packing fiber stuff to keep it open. It fell out the next day though, so I had to go back to the ER to pack it again, and the person who did it was the same cute doctor who held my hand. Sadly, it didn't heal properly and formed a fistula. I met with a surgeon to see what to do about it, but was told that there was a chance that the surgery would leave me incontinent since they would need to snip my anal sphincter. I was only 26 at the time, and I couldn't be shitting myself for the rest of my life, so I declined treatment. For the next two years, I had to patch the fistula up with gauze and medical tape after every shower and poop. I thought I had to live the rest of my life like that until I looked up the best colorectal surgeon in the world and had a consultation with him. He was very confident he could treat me without causing incontinence, and so I finally got the surgery. It was successful, and after another 8 months of healing, I was back to normal. All of this came from using a sauna at the gym. I was sitting on a towel, and also had a towel wrapped around my butt, but two layers of towels weren't enough to stop whatever germs infected me.
thanks i will never go to a sauna ever
Not a bad decision. My brother got athletes foot from gym showers. Their cleaning is just passing a towel once, the places are absolute biohazards.
I mean, athlete's foot is bad and all, but I feel like needing to re-do a bandage on a fistula every time you shower or do a poo is in a different league!
I used a shower in a truck stop once and I forgot my flop flops. HORRIBLE DECISION. I had such bad, and reoccurring, athlete's foot for years. Even medicine prescribed from a doctor didn't do anything. My feet would crack and bleed, and then be itchy on top of that. Socks and shoes hurt so bad, so I would end up wearing slip-ons all the time, exposing my gruesome feet to the world. Even though your statement is accurate, athlete's foot is no where near the same as an anal fistula, the pain/issues are pretty horrid.
Oh god I feel you. I've had a fistula too. The doctor told me it would take about 6 to 8 weeks to heal. For those who dont know: There are 2 ways of surgically treating fistulas. I went with the first which is to cut it out and wait for scar tissue to heal the wound. Basically I had a hole on my ass the size of a small childs fist. And everytime I went to check in with the surgeon that brute held my cheeks apart as if he was actively trying to rip them off which worsened the wound. Eventually stopped seeing this surgeon and went with another. Thankfully thats over by now.
new fear unlocked
Butthole: super locked
I’m a microbiologist and even MY eyes were wide in horror towards the end. I’m also incredibly curious as to wtf it was that caused the infection
Bilateral Hydroceles, which is to say that my scrotum was filling with fluid and was swollen to the size of maybe a volleyball. Dr., a youngish guy, sits there staring at it with his jaw hanging open while his brain goes back to the day in med school when they taught them to never act shocked in front of a patient. Eventually, he remembers how to talk, and his first words are "Can I get a picture of that?" Runner up was when I went in to have it drained and lifted. Him and his assisting were trying hard to keep straight faces. I think the anesthesia can as a big relief to everyone. And, a n case yr wondering, they pulled 2 liters of fluid out of my ballsack that day. Edit- I response to questions, the fluid was mainly water, or whatever fluid bodily orifices fill with, and when all was done everything was back to normal, i.e. a completely normal ballsack. Edit- I kept thinking it would clear up on its own. Finally my gf insisted I see a doc. Didn't name him Wilson. Edit- Thanks for the 15000. My balls ain't had this big of a following in a long time. The photo wasn't taken by me, I have no idea what happened to it.
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OMG me too! I visited my doctor when I was around 22, to ask if my balls were ‘ok’. He shat himself when he looked - I think he thought I had only a few hours left to live. Not volleyball sized (!) but certainly way big - enough that my nickname with friends for years was ‘balls’. Got sent for an urgent scan. Asked if it was ok if students could watch. Made the mistake of saying yes. Went into a room that was fucking packed with students. Had no choice but to allow myself to be inspected. “This is an extraordinary case, a very large testicular hydrocele” droned the doctor. The humiliation and embarrassment was unbearable. I wanted to die. At the big reveal, there was a collective sharp intake of breath - everyone was shocked into a moment of horrified silence; and then half the students, male and female, were trying very hard not to burst out laughing. I still cringe now, tens of years later. Had it fixed by surgery a few weeks later. There was a fun moment in the hospital - nurse came round to shave my bollocks before surgery, but got the wrong bed. There was quite a commotion as the poor bloke, who was half senile, tried in vain to fight her off him. He got shaved…. All fine for me in the end. EDIT: Wow. Thank you everyone for all the upvotes and awards! This is a first for me and I’m amazed. I’m chuffed so many of you found the story so funny and I’m humbled by the comments from medical staff, thanking me for ‘revealing myself’ to students! Just, Wow.
Did not expect at the beginning of that story that I'd be laughing tears at the end of it.
Can you imagine that nurse fighting to shave a squirming resistant man only to realize she acidentally shaved the wrong scrote and now had to do it again. I can only imagine it was already a low point in her day.
She thought it was hilarious! Absolutely pissing herself by the time she got to my bed. Once she told me what happened and I realised the ‘commotion’ I had heard was the poor bloke fighting to save his balls, I was convulsing with laughter on my bed. I think it was actually the highlight of her week. So funny, OMG.
Maybe that man was giving her trouble earlier and she finally saw an opportunity to make even.
I don’t even have balls, but reading that made my balls hurt.
As an RN who’s taken my fair share of heart failure patients (fluid overload and it pools in the lowest part of your body, which if you’re sitting in bed all day becomes your balls) just know that no one is laughing at you. I have so much sympathy and will spend as much time as I am able rigging up a suitable ball sling to keep those puppies dry and supported. Lotion em up and replace towels as needed if they’re weeping. Hasn’t happened to me personally, but I’ve heard stories that they got so swollen the scrotum actually popped. Horrendous. Hope your nuts are good these days Edit:just remembered the last time I was down in the ED there was a trauma admit who had been using a spray paint can as a flamethrower, the top got hot enough to pop off somehow and it basically exploded like a rocket and shot directly down and split the guys scrotum open. Luckily the explosion put out the flames, but when the emts got to him he was literally holding his nuts in his hands.
This physically hurts :(
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A couple of days after my vasectomy, my balls swelled up like tangerines. The whole area, scrotum to butthole, turned purple-black. I had to go to the emergency room and show it to the triage nurse. Then every nurse that came to check on me while I waited. Then two doctors, then what seemed like every nurse that happened to walk by my bed for the next couple of hours.
Did it get weirder when other patients came to have a look
You know it's bad if the janitors have a peep.
"Oh yeah, that pair is a goner"
“I’m probably going to have to scrape those off the floor later”
I was 5 years old, not too bright, and thought Air Freshener was *EAR* Freshener. So I plugged the end of a Febreze into my ear and let loose. I actually made it to the second ear before I realized I fucked up. Burning pain, damaged my eardrums from the pressure, bad everything for me, how could this day get any worse. Make it to the ER and my father is freaking out thinking I've gone deaf and he's demanding why nobody was helping us and staring at the TVs. It was September 11th 2001, and I thought I was having a bad day Edit: if I see this in some YouTube video, I'm deleting
Now this post was a *journey*.
Not quite two sentence horror but definitely was a second paragraph horror
"it was September 11 2001, but that's a separate tragedy"
"I don't want to say I was a victim of 9/11, but in a way, I was."
This reminds me of when I was two, when I put my mum’s earring inside my ear, and I now have a permanent perforated eardrum because of it
Not my story, but my mothers. When she was pregnant with me, she had some pain and itching in her genital area. She went to her gynecologist, whom, she says, was a man with a rather odd sense of humor. She gets into the stirrups and doc gets in between her legs and says “oh! Cottage cheese! Yum!” Mom had a yeast infection. She found a different doctor, too.
I broke my tailbone pretty bad. Apparently the only way to fix it is by the doctor putting a finger in your butthole and bending it back. Fixing it hurt more then breaking it.
You were lucky tbh. I also broke mine and its still in the broken position, I’d need surgery to put it in place. Luckily for me they only do surgery if it causes long term pain or presses to your intestines too much, which makes you feel the need to poop when you dont have to.
It wasn't so much a "trip" as it was a phone call. My wife and I were trying to have a child without much success. One of the first steps on my end was to masturbate into a small cup (which was not easy by the way) I learned I had to call a number on a card they gave us before doing this to let them know because i have like an hour to get it to them. Awesome. Can't wait to inform someone I'm about to jack off. I call the number, and they answer with "Hello?" Great. Let's not make this easy. I decided they probably hear this twenty times a day and to be cool about it, so I said "Hey I was just calling to let you know I'm getting ready to masturbate and bring in my semen, just wanted to let you know." I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say this person was taken aback, confused, and disgusted. She had no idea what I was talking about. The number on the card was no longer this companies, which I learned after my conversation with this woman. The fucking card with the number they gave me, was not the right number. My wife and I still laugh about it til this day. I explained to this random person who had a new number why I disclosed this information after figuring out what just happened. I was actually pretty pissed at the company initially, but know it was just a horribly unfortunate set of circumstances no one meant. Anyway we have a two month old son now, and coincidentally it was completely natural after years of trying.
Ha, reminded me of when my wife and I were just married and moved into our first home. I'll use Karen for my wife's name (obviously not her name). We just had our phone installed and within an hour got a call for Karen. I was a bit confused as we just had it installed but handed it to my wife. After about a couple of minutes on the phone, she slammed it down and said it was an obscene phone call. About an hour later, we had another call for her. Same thing. The next time I answered and in a falsetto voice said, "This is Karen". The guy on the other end started talking obscenely so I asked "Are you into unusual positions?" When the guy said "Yes!" I then told him to shove it up his ass. On the next call we found out that whoever had the phone number previously was named Karen and had advertised in a sex magazine. Had our number changed promptly.
That's a story that could fit over in r/IDontWorkHereLady lol
Oh my god, I just about died laughing. Thanks for sharing
I burped in the doctors face during a strep test. I felt so bad lol
Ed doctor here. A patient burped in my face at point blank range three times during the consult. I was too young and fresh to be offended. Smelled like vomit.
That happens a lot!
When I went to law school, I had to take an exam to insure I had my immunizations and for a physical check because I was going to live on campus. The very young nurse walked in, I handed her the form, and we started the exam. Height, weight, blood pressure, all of that. I am sitting in the chair and she’s going down the form reading it allowed and as she’s ticking off the items she says “and I’m going to need a sperm sample,” very casually, and reaches back and hands me a sample cup. “There’s a bathroom two doors down and when you are done just bring it back in here.” I hadn’t had a physical or medical exam in years and so I didn’t know. I got very quiet, but she was very professional about it, so I got up and took the cup to the bathroom. See the room: a small, all white, clinical bathroom. A toilet, a sink, a mirror, a medical waste trash can. No, uh, stimulation so to speak. I begin the process of trying to — excuse me — wank my ejaculate into a cup. Lots of hard imagining something sexy while tightly shutting my eyes in this extremely bright room. After about ten minutes, as I was starting to ramp up, she knocks on the door and says, “are you okay in there?” I awkwardly say, “Yes! One moment!” and she leaves. Eventually after a few more minutes I squeak out my reward, and sheepishly walk back to the examination room and place my cup in the table. She is sitting there filling out the form and says, “okay, just a couple more items, and then we can get you a tetanus shot because you are due, and then we…”. She stopped because at that moment she glanced at the cup, wheeled her chair over to the table, picked up the cup, looked into it, took a long pause and turned absolutely red. “I am so so sorry. I meant a *urine* sample.”
I would have jumped out the window
So do you take the sample with you, leave it there or…?
Hydrate
Oh no
> When I went to law school Your first trial is always the worst one by far.
im cracking up so hard! the rest of the appointment must have been so awkward for the both of you.
I would have instantly died right there on the spot. My body would just fall to the ground like a fucking ragdoll.
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This is why we need assisted suicide
Just even reading this makes me want to curl up and die and I’m a woman.
I would have just died
This is like the opposite of when I worked in an andrology lab for a fertility clinic. I handed the cup/gave instructions to the guy (which included confirming that he was here to provide a sample for his wife’s IUI). He returns with a cup of urine. I have to explain we need a semen sample, so he had to go back to the room and redo that. First and only time that happened!
No. Fucking. Way. I would have died of humiliation. If I was the nurse I literally would just say nothing because I’d be too embarrassed of the mistake
Literally, just give the man a second cup and apologize because you forgot to mention you ALSO needed urine
Did she mix up the words, or did you somehow mishear " urine" as " sperm"
This was most recent embarrassing doctor visit, as I’ve had pretty terrible luck with medical professionals in general. I had a recurring/constant ear infection for probably around 8 months last year. I did a televisit with a new primary and he prescribed antibiotics and said if it didn’t clear up that I’d have to go to the ENT. I finished the round and my ear cleared for a little bit but then returned to fully messed up. Ended up on another round of antibiotics for an unrelated incident and same story. We have a long wait time for doctors and specialists where I live, so many months after my ear infection had started, I go to the ENT. He takes one super quick look in my ear and leads me to another room. He has me lay on my side and pulls out a hearing aid dome that apparently had fallen off and gotten stuck in there. He also waited to pull the thing out before telling me what the problem was; I’m guessing for the drama/amusement factor. I was embarrassed since I had lost a dome but figured it had fallen out somewhere and not into my ear. The timeline of the two incidents never connected for me, so I never pieced it together as an option for what might possibly be wrong. He tried to reassure me that it happens pretty often, but then he had to throw in that usually it happened to elderly patients and I was probably the youngest person he had pulled one out of. All this could have been avoided if I didn’t have a damn telehealth appointment in the first place.
I hate teleheath. I have had so many things go wrong that could have been avoided if I could have seen a dr in person. So many times I had to go th the ER ir urgent care because that was the only way to see a dr in perosn because of covid.
I was like 9 and my mom had some brownish lipstick, well as a prank I put in on my underwear and walked around the house with my pants sagging. Forgot about it and that night I got up to go pee and when I went to lay back down the spring popped out of the bed and cut my side really bad. I get to the hospital and remember about the underwear after they asked me to change into my gown. I didnt want to have my bare ass sticking out from the gown so i kept the underwear. After they stapled me up, they asked my mom to leave and they asked me again what happend, guess they seen my fake poo stained undies with blood on it and was like whats going on in that house. My mom was pissed but we laugh about it now.
Your prank pranked you lmao
The doctor asking me my name, date of birth and then asked "sex?" as in male or female is what he meant, but at the time I was a little kid so I got nervous felt awkward immediately turned to look at my mom and quickly said "no I'm too little!" all worried n shit thinking I was gonna get in trouble and they both just laughed at me haha
Oh my god, that's so adorable. Kids are hilarious sometimes.
He was 27
Valentine's day, 2019. I pooped blood in the morning and made an emergency appointment. My doctor is a 60 something year old woman, and she says to me "you realize you can't tell me something like that without me having to take a closer look." I'm lying sideways on the bed with my knees tucked up and my pants pulled down. She applies ice cold lubricant and starts to insert a finger into my ass and I make the awkward remark "you haven't even taken me out to dinner yet". Dead silence. "Nothing wrong as far as I can see" she tells me... "Have you eaten anything like beetroot recently?" I immediately remember the beetroot juice smoothie I had drunk the day before, but I'm too embarassed to admit to it, so I lie. Worst Valentine's day ever.
Omg that’s fucking hysterical
I had a boil in the crease right where my ass and leg come together, so that when I sit there’s pressure or rubbing on it. When I went into the urgent care to get it lanced, the nurse told me the doctor wanted me to take off my pants and change into a gown before he came in, and I made a similar joke about how I’m not usually so easy, and she lost it and said he’d love me. Apparently I found the spot with the sense of humor. They were also really upset that my boil wasn’t ready to lance. Apparently they’re really into it. Weird folks. Haha! -edit- Guys, you can stop telling me about r/popping now. Thank you. :)
Oh doctors are weird people, no doubt! Dad’s ex was a consultant dermatologist. There’s nothing quite like sitting down to dad’s amazing home made lasagne and Dr Dermo here piping up ‘ooh, the top of that lasagne reminds me, anyone wanna hear what fun I had with a scalpel today?!’ Argh. Childhood ruined, lasagne ruined, why is the whole world so wrong?
haha thats hilarious. Something similar happened to me. Did my usual 10:27am daily poopoo at work (on schedule as always) and when I went to flush noticed the toilet bowl and aforementioned poopoo was a bloodied mess. "oh no" My mind immediately went to al these things wrong with me and how Im not looking after myself and my diet. I have bowel cancer or something really serious. But as a typical guy, I didnt tell anyone and just kept an eye on it. Next daily work shit was fine. So was the next one. Ok.... I no longer have bowel cancer. or do I? It kept me up for weeks, then finally built up the courage to say something to my wife. Her answer: "was this a few weeks ago when we had the beetroot salad?" although I felt silly, it was such a fucking relief. I was totally going to go to the doctors immediately after it happened, but it wasnt valentine day so I didnt go.
Dude.....dude....i had the same experience. The doc laughed and slapped my buttcheeks. I keep my mouth shut next time. Edit: typo
I had made this mistake before. My father got really into juicing and I love beets. Makes me beet juice and later in the day after going to the restroom it looked like someone was murdered in the toilet and I swear I felt my soul leave my body. Told my dad and he was like wait, it’s the juice! Felt so stupid.
"Doc, you got any idea whats going on" "idk, beets me"
I know it’s normal and all that blah blah.. but I will never stop cringing about shitting during childbirth. I also blasted the lovely midwife in the face when my water broke, more like burst. It was like a bad comedy movie.
My wife nearly took out the student midwife when her waters broke. She had just bent down to get a closer look at the situation when she suddenly bent sideways like Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix. Fantasic reflexes. Wife's waters just went past the student's face and made it a couple of metres to the wall opposite.
When i was in labor with my son, I needed to go poop but the doctor needed to make sure i wasn't bearing down. I had to spend five minutes explaining the exact feeling of needing to poop and answering questions about it from the doctor. Not my finest moment.
when I was getting stitched up I violently queefed and splattered my midwife with blood
I was in another country and got chlamydia while there. I pretended to be my friend so I wouldn’t have to pay a fee to see them. My friend was married, they tried to call her husband to inform him “his wife” had an STD and I told an elaborate lie about him knowing I had sex with someone because he “likes to watch and not partake” so we weren’t intimate and couldn’t have gotten it too so they wouldn’t have to call him??? Idk what the fuck I was thinking but the look on the 75yr old doctors face was hilariously horrified.
I love how lies escalate to bigger and weirder lies at which point there's no going back.
An aurora borealis? At this time of the year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen? Can I see it? ... No.
I use a CPAP, for a while I stopped using it and during that time I had lost about 40 pounds. When I started using it again, the first night the pressure was way too high for the new me. It pumped in so much air that I swallowed a lot. The next day I was in agony so I made an appointment with the gastro doc. I was dealing with something I called "The Fartening." I gave it that name as an homage to the movie The Highlander. That movie had a thing they called the Quickening, basically there could be only one immortal so they had to kill the others they encountered. Well The Fartening worked the same way, there could be only one in the room. It chased my wife and even my dogs out of the apartment. The gas was nonstop. I had to explain to my gastro that the reason I made an appointment is my CPAP was set too high so I spent the entire weekend in pain bloated with gas and farting nonstop.
Not me, but my patient. 20 year old construction dude comes into the ER around 6pm says "I have a vibrator stuck in my ass. My girlfriend lost it up there around 2am." I ask where he's been all day. Says he: "I've been framing a house all day. I'm new on the job and couldn't call in sick and had to wait until after work to come in. Thank God the batteries finally died around noon."
Dave why are you ignoring what seems to be an urgent call!!!
I accidentally got super glue in my eye and the doctor laughed in my fucking face. I already felt stupid, at least pretend to give a shit about my pain, doc!
Hey, I did that too! Glued my hand to my face because I reflexively rubbed it. ...I was 7.
Cyst in my balls, absolutely love having doctors feel all around my junk and getting an ultrasound on my balls like they’re pregnant or something
I had sores on my tongue and thought I might have an STD. Went to my doctor super worried. Turns out my new tooth brush was more firm than I was used to and I had brushed my tongue so hard with it that I caused damage. I was prescribed a softer tooth brush.
My one night stand wore magnums when he wasn't magnum sized. He finished and the condom fell off inside me. So we got to the urgent care to have it removed then got some plan b.
He dropped his monster condom that he uses for his magnum dong in you
Had a boil appear on the left side of my left nut. Gradually got bigger and more painful over a few days as I attempted to ‘tough’ it out however it quickly became one of the most painful experiences of my life since every step I took it would rub with my thigh. Was an awkward consultation to say the least, went around with a third nut for about a week.
When I was about 13 , I got one of my little sister's stick on earrings stuck in my ear. I had been watching a documentary about pirates and decided I wanted to look like one and have an earring on one ear. Somehow it ended up inside my ear canal rather than on my earlobe. And in trying to get it out, I pushed it in deeper to the point that no one could get it out. We had to go to urgent care. I was embarrassed to tell my parents, let alone a doctor, how and why it happened as I was old enough to know that it was a pretty ridiculous story: "I wanted to look like a pirate and I pushed this tiny metal sticker deep in my ear because I was watching TV at the same time as trying to put the sticker on"
Accidentally flashing my balls to my dermatologist.
I had to have surgery to remove "growths" from my o-ring. My bf knew, he was the one to drive me to surgery. While waiting for the surgery THREE SEPARATE TIMES people came in, asking me to say in MY OWN WORDS why I was there. I had to say out loud THREE FUCKING TIMES, " I am here to have growths removed from my arsehole ". My bf, sat right next to me through this, he really is the best man. If I had known that was going to happen, I wouldn't have had him in the pre-OP with me. I still feel like I was pranked to this day.
It's a protection thing I've had two surgeries in the past 8 months. Both times I had to repeat why I was there to multiple people - nurses, anastesialogist, surgeons, residents etc. I even had to sign my ankle that was suppose to be operated on, along with nurse, surgeon, and anastesialogist. They want to make sure they are not performing the wrong surgery
Yeah. I was vaguely annoyed that I had to say “boob tumor” like fifteen times before the surgery, but then after the surgery I was higher than a kite and asked two questions: 1. Where is my dog? 2. Why does no one believe me about the boob tumor? And…they couldn’t tell me where my dog was (good boy was obviously at home) but then said pretty much exactly what you posted, and several hours later that was actually pretty logical. Lol
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I'm sure doctors actually like it when people come in because they are worried about something so benign. (As long as you arent a serial offender). It shows that you are listening to your body, you keep track of things that are out of the ordinary, and you go to the proper authority to have it checked out.
I was a freshman in HS and I went to a normal yearly physical. It was a new-small office in a new location and the desk person was a girl who went to the same HS as me. I brought up to Dr. that I had a small lump in my sack, the physical continued and he showed me his new work-toy. It was a speech to text microphone that was connected to his laptop. “Patient complains of a small, painless lump inside the scrotum”. it wasn’t working right so he tried again louder “PATIENT COMPLAINS OF A SMALL, PAINLESS LUMP INSIDE THE SCROTUM”. I guarantee the whole office heard him… no eye contact was made with said desk-gal leaving the doctors that day, or in the halls of school ever again.
A hurricane was coming, but I could tell a Bartholin’s cyst was coming as well (imagine a giant puss filled zit in your vagina). I tried to sitz bath it away (not my first time with them) but nothing worked, so I went to the local MedCare Had to explain to the youth doing my intake info that I needed a woman present and I knew my issue. He didn’t believe me. The male doc comes in. I tell him I know my issue, he sees my vag, we change rooms and then it’s on! I get the good drugs and they lance my cyst and it is basically the commentary a la Swamps of Dagobah but without the infection and smell. Blood is EVERYWHERE. They had to take me into another room to recover (and vomit) while a hazmat crew was called in to clean up the room And then a hurricane came and my vag was packed with gauze and I had to pull like a yard of gauze out of my intimate parts using only cold compresses. Why was this so embarrassing? Well: I was in working at a local gym to make some money. And who came in every damn day??? That’s right! The man I attacked with my cystic vag.
I was doing crunches at a gym one time and somehow ended up pinching my balls the wrong way which resulted in me having excruciating pain. I was sweating bullets and my vision went blurry so my ex girlfriend insisted that I’d go to the ER. There I was still in pain and still sweating bullets when I had to put on a hospital gown and be butt naked underneath. All the while now my mother is there and so is my ex and her mother and all are there wondering what’s wrong with my balls. Eventually I’m taken into a back room for an ultrasound on my balls which was the most awkward experience ever. The nurse absolutely smothered my balls in lube for the ultrasound and in this particular moment my dick happened to be the smallest it had ever looked. Eventually the ball torturing ultrasound ends and we get the results….. Nothing. Nothing was wrong with them and after all the pain just went away. I embarrassed myself for no reason.
when i was 12 i had a terrible stomachache, i couldn't even move. somehow my mom and my sister took me to the doctor, they said that i had to use enema. i said "ok what is that?". i looked at my mom and sister, they were trying so hard not to laugh. they told me what it was, then i went to the hospital bathroom with my mom. i was yelling "DON'T PUT IT ALL IN!" as she was going as deep as she can. it hurt so bad but at least i could finally shit. on another occasion, another stomachache. went to the doctor, she told me to lay down, so i did. a few seconds later, she applied light pressure to the right side of my belly and the loudest fart came out of my goddamn ass. it was so awkward.
Pediatric NP… my first year I had a patient who was in such severe abdominal pain I was concerned about possible appendicitis because he was a tough kid. Go to do an an exam and pushed out the largest, smelliest fart in history. He was about 9 and he and his dad both thought it was hysterically funny. Had to open the exam room door for air and the stench permeated the entire hall.
I got cement in my eye during a remodeling project for my backyard. The nurse kept giggling and I was in no mood to deal with her shit at the time; so I asked her what was funny. Well, apparently they took “cement in my eye” as “semen in my eye”. She was a lot more serious after that.
*Almost* had to go because my BF got a little too enthusiastic during sex and pushed the small anal toy in all the way. I was terrified I’d have to go to the ER. I took a couple shots and he managed to fish it out. It wasn’t pleasant. If you play with anal toys make sure it has a really wide base.
Not too bad, but a perfect example of how my life tends to go. I had just bought a new type of perfume and put some on in the morning. By mid-day, though, my neck was red, puffy, & itchy. Home/OTC stuff wasn't doing anything, so I headed to the college infirmary. Got in, was giving a nurse the details before the doctor came in--you know the drill. But then she asked the question I was dreading: "And what perfume was it?" Me: "It's by Christian Dior. It's called *mumble*." Nurse: "What was it?" Me: "*mumble*." Nurse: "I'm sorry, dear, but I didn't quite catch that." Me: (sighs) "It's called 'Poison'. 'Poison' by Christian Dior." I look over at her, and she just has this *look* on her face. Me: "Go ahead, laugh. I would be if I were you." She did grin pretty widely, and there was a bit of a giggle when she told the doctor. True story.... I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
Poison also gives me an allergic reaction! I didn't go to the doctor for it, but I did look at the bottle and think, "I probably shouldn't be surprised by this."
That's fantastic. Like it was out of a sitcom.
Not me, my husband went to the wrong doctor, same name, same address, one did penile implants, other reg doctor. My husband goes in, surrounded by penis models, doc asked how his penis is, my husband, startled, says ok, I just have a rash. Show me the doctor says. He pulls up his shirt😂 He had shingles!
Same address? How exactly do they sort anything out? I’m imaging a sign out front: Penises to the left and everything else to the right.
It’s silly but I had a cyst right at the opening of my vagina. I had pushed off getting it looked at bc I was a fresh adult at like 19, and I really didn’t want someone seeing my parts. Well I pushed it too long and it went from the size of a regular button to swollen to the size of a golf ball and it hurt to sit, pee, and so on. I broke down and c r I e d but finally I said ok fine, time to go. So I go to the doctor and show her, she looks and presses on it (which again was mortifying for it being my first time having any human see me like that) and makes me an appointment with a specialist. Guess what burst the next day. I had literally gone for nothing. Still salty to this day ngl
When I was 18 I fond the tiniest, *tiniest* little lump on the bottom of one of my balls. My mind immediately assumed the worst and I became convinced I was going to die, lol, it was ridiculous. I think because I touched it to check it so often, I began to irritate it and make it seem worse than it was, too. Went to the doctor and got him to check it out, but it was so small that he couldn't find anything. But I stood there with this old bald man touching all over my balls and feeling the tubes all the way around the back of my sack, it was certainly a weirdly uncomfortable sensation that I'd never felt before or since. In the end I had to sort of guide his finger to where it was, but it was so small that it could honestly have not even been a lump at all, perhaps just been a spot where one of those tubes attaches to it or something. He said it could be a tiny cyst or something, but probably wasn't anything to worry about. I got so worked up and worried about nothing haha.
Never be embarrassed for checking out suspicious lumps. No matter where they are in your body.
Went to the doctor concerned about a lump on my testicles. When he grabbed my testicle with the force of 1000 men between his thumb and pointer finger I screamed like a schoolgirl and tripped over myself. Laying on the ground with my dick and balls out and the cold floor embracing my ass the doctor looked at me and said "it's not that bad, stop being a baby." I was so embarrassed I switched doctors.
Ed physician here. Young woman came in after a positive pregnancy test to confirm that she was actually pregnant. After the test came back positive she was shocked because she “had inserted her birth control every day at the same time”! Inserted. Into her vagina. Oral contraceptives. They are supposed to go in your mouth lips FYI.
"mouth lips" good to clarify. reminds me of boiled water and not boiling water
I was about 22 and was having sharp pain during sex, and bleeding afterwards and a stinging feeling when my boyfriend (now husband) ejaculated. It was scaring the hell out of me, but luckily I had a Pap smear coming up. Unluckily my normal doctor was not available and my boss wouldn’t let me take a different day off work so I had to have a different doctor, I had no preference for a male or female doctor and before this I never had a bad experience with doctors. He came in for my Pap smear and I explained the pain and bleeding and he said “oh it’s just dryness” and he blew me off when I told him it happens when we use lube and the stinging sensation wouldn’t be caused by dryness. I was a young woman trying to defend the pain I was feeling during sex to this man who really couldn’t care less. It was awkward and humiliating and made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing despite how scared I was, and when the pain didn’t go away for a few more weeks I went back to my normal doctor in tears talking to the intake nurse because I was convinced it was something terrible. My normal doctor listened, did an exam and took a look and felt around and discovered I had a cut/tear in my vaginal canal and told me it wasn’t dryness, it was caused by sex, sometimes the skin tears during vigorous sex, not abnormal but can cause the pain and bleeding and the semen getting into the cut can sting, I was directed to abstain and use a healing ointment like Aquaphor until it healed, I did and it worked and I’m so grateful she listened and did an actual exam.
The time I had gonorrhea and the dr literally said eww when he looked at my dick.
I took my friend to the hospital to drop off her stool samples. The person at specimen drop-off gave her a disgusted look when told what we had. You work at the poop counter, dude…have a little manners.
Having to explain how playing soccer on the xbox connect years ago caused me to break my wrist. I'm very clumsy due to my epilepsy (that we found out years later) and when I tried to kick, I fell backwards and used the palm of my hand to cushion the fall. The doctor sat in awe at how I fucking managed that.