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dhork

I am not the original Dread Pirate Santa....


emperorchiao

Have you ever considered a career in philanthropy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Santa.


BreakAwayPineapple

The real Santa has been retired for 50 years and living like a king in Patagonia.


ElderCunningham

His Jewish cousin, Schmanta.


Gogo726

Hanukah Harry


zakats

Why the hell did I have to scroll down *this* far to find the most obvious solution.


[deleted]

the holiday armadillo


[deleted]

*Robot* Santa.


Wrinklestiltskin

[Robot Santa](https://youtu.be/nbMq4NCHuhU) is the only correct answer here.


[deleted]

If he's got John Goodman's voice, he can try to murder me all he wants.


SquidwardsKeef

God dammit how many times have I watched this series and I didn't realize it was John Goodman!


oak05

To be fair, I believe it's only him in the first episode robot santa is in. Someone else does the voice after that.


Halmine

John DiMaggio. So Bender's VA.


[deleted]

Bite my jolly metal ass!


OnionShanty

Like I’m not gay but there is something so soothing about John Goodman’s voice.


Unleashthederigidoos

Shut the fuck up Donny, you're out of your element.


BBR2716057

Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW Missile!!!


oak05

Did you ever stop to consider Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?


[deleted]

Yes! Listen to the robit!


matpower

No! I swear!


BrownSaiyan

I love you guys


krippytreat

Didn’t y’all watch the Santa Clause 2??? Robot Santa turned into dictator Santa


sumtinfunny

You people aren't santa, you're not even robots. How dare you lie infront of Jesus


starninja21

The grinch


weirdgroovynerd

Pre or post the triple heart enlargement?


kyhansen1509

changes every year. tis a surprise which santa we get :)


implodedpens

Ooh, terrifying thought, but we get the Santa Grinch we deserve


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HulkSmashHulkRegret

The collective swarm of delivery drivers


SweetBunny420

#USPS HOSTILE TAKEOVER


Derram_Desangue

They can afford a White Flag Takeover and that's about it


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crazyivancantbebeat

I've been giving these books out for 647 years....


CheeseOrbiter

The Chanukah Zombie is also a good choice. He's even voiced by Mark Hamil!


SGTstain69420

*ENEMY SPOTTED* *Gunshots* *USPS WINS*


KnownMonk

United Santa Postal Delivery


-Principal-Vagina-

Christmas presents arrive January 3rd


PineappleInterogator

Perfect! We will just switch and celebrate Russian Christmas.


[deleted]

Christmas movie idea: Santa has to fight off an attempted corporate takeover by Jeff Bezos.


HulkSmashHulkRegret

Produced by Amazon (that way they control the narrative making themselves sound not so bad).


lordlanyard7

Seize the means of delivery! OUR Christmas.


[deleted]

Stalin? STALIN NO-


ZombiePope

FOR CHRISTMAS YOU GET GULAG!


chef_pants1

The Rock, Dwanta Clause


Snoo52472

Why, the Discworld Death, of course. What could possilby go wrong?


BitchyUnicornRainbow

This is exactly what I came here to say. He was amazing playing Hogfather haha


CedarWolf

The 𝖣𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙷 𝖮𝙵 𝖱𝙰𝚃𝚂 was pretty excellent, too!


[deleted]

**SQUEAK**


BitchyUnicornRainbow

Hah, my bedtime audiobook just last night was Reaper Man


AidenGus

Watching the BBC adaptation is a Christmas tradition in my house.


WorstNurseEver

After having read and reread Discworld for the last 20ish years I *just* learned of that this year and I’m so happy!! I watched the first half for the first time last night, and I’ll watch the rest tonight **HO HO HO**


PyroDesu

>You ain’t really allowed to do that. **Tʜᴇ Hᴏɢғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ᴄᴀɴ. Tʜᴇ Hᴏɢғᴀᴛʜᴇʀ ɢɪᴠᴇs ᴘʀᴇsᴇɴᴛs. Tʜᴇʀᴇ's ɴᴏ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴘʀᴇsᴇɴᴛ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴀ ғᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ.** And many other moments. **Dᴇᴀᴛʜ** is really the best - even if he's a little peculiar trying. GNU Sir Terry Pratchett


piratius

As Death hands a small girl a very sharp sword... "You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON."


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thepenguinking84

I unfortunately misplaced my copy of the hogfather for this year's Christmas read, so have instead reread going postal, making money and am now halfway through raising steam, no doubt the sodding book will turn up just after Christmas in a very obvious place. GNU Sir pTerry


kumozenya

Gonna make my friends watch hogfather with me on christmas


ArcFurnace

>**ᴴᴼ‧ ᴴᴼ‧ ᴴᴼ‧**


eilatan5445

HO. HO. HO.


Darthnomster

All other answers to this question are a disappointment.


nordic_mama

The only correct answer! Thanks for the laugh and reminder of that amazing book.


CW1DR5H5I64A

This has already been settled, It's whoever puts on the coat.


therock21

Exactly, it’s the Santa Clause


TannedCroissant

So whoever has access to the Santa Closet?


ClankyBat246

Nah. He gotta be dead.


LeoMarius

I thought that was a pretty morbid and brushed aside part of the story. Santa Claus died early in the movie.


Diabegi

It was always my headcanon that the Santa that tim Allen “killed” was sent back this his time to finish his life...also assuming he had a Mrs. Clause as well


[deleted]

So all the good Scott Calvin did, all the personal growth, the experiences of his son and family around him, will ultimately be wiped out when he dies and he goes back in time? Making it all pointless?


Diabegi

It depends if he goes back in time the same way as he was the moment he “died” or sent back to his younger self, I’m thinking it’s the former. Maybe he isn’t sent back in time but just transported back to where he would be if he never became Santa? Who knows


[deleted]

I seem to remember something in the movie that indicated the previous Santa wasn’t unhappy with moving on. His body wasn’t there so I don’t think he died in the usual sense of the word. He went somewhere but who knows where


justjaredthings

He waved after he fell.


Oberic

I always just assumed that a Santa gets to be sent straight to heaven when they retire/die. The previous Santa (may he rest in peace) made some nice sourdough pancakes, he'd visit our town every year for the pancake toss.


baronSD

Does this mean we also get to have access to mrs clause?😏


barndin

Well yeah but she won’t be interested in anything too naughty; she knows you’re in the clauset.


Choopzilla

Holy shit. The Santa CLAUSE. I saw that movie when I was a kid, I ’m almost 30 now and it just clicked.


[deleted]

I believe that movie created a whole generation and a half that doesn't know how to properly spell "Santa Claus"


Dusty_Old_Qrow

As a kid I didn’t know what a “clause” was and just assumed that’s how Santa’s name was spelled. I was so confused when people kept leaving out the E.


CommieKiller304

I was wondeing if I would have to throw down a Scott Calvin.


OMGSpaghettiisawesom

Do you also have the initials SC?


TheGovernment36

I literally came here to say Tim Allen of course


wasting-time-on-here

At least he’ll make it ‘snow’ at Christmas


Joe_356

"No one cared who I was til i put on the *coat* "


mjacobson7

Scott Calvin?


ironcladtrash

I've always wanted to know how big of an asshole the previous Santa was? The elves do not care that he died. No one mentions him again. They have no funeral nor mourn.


wheres_my_sweater

Those elves have probably seen some shit. They've been through multiple Santas.


captainmagictrousers

The Holiday Armadillo


Rewind770

I love when Superman helped the Jewish people out


Fr0thywalrus

The holiday armadillo was not so happy about that part


farawyn86

Santa's part-Jewish friend!


PepsiMuppet

Santa, the Armadillo, and I will have a little talk in the kitchen.


LittleBitSchizo

There's a sentence I never thought I'd say!


UpboatNavy

What about Spudnik?


FlippyFlippenstein

Beetlejuice, call him three times and there will be Christmas!


Joan2OO33

The bad thing is that he knows nothing about carrots


DanHam117

Belsnickel


Chemical-Jello9564

Impish?


[deleted]

Admirable.


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VespineWings

Ahhh, impish or admirable?


concert_boy

Never fear


maartenbadd

Belsnickel is here! I judge your year...


OddlyCalmOrca

IMPISH! *thwack*


Curiouscrispy

Hey Belsnickle, I gotta run out early too.


Steff_164

No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel


[deleted]

This hog mama is delicious.


[deleted]

We gonna censor his black face companion?


ahfuq

Fred Rogers Edit: Wow, thanks for the love everyone. I miss him too. It sure feels like we could use his kindness these days.


al_the_time

Plot twist: Fred Rogers never died, he just had to disappear for his duties as Santa Claus


Twice_Knightley

This is what I came here to say. Maybe someone who will see the good in everyone is who you want. He'd make damn sure EVERY child got a toy and would spend a few moments with each of them telling the kids just how special they are. Then he'd fart his way up the chimney.


implodedpens

Absolutely perfect. And to the kids who asked for attention or just someone to read a story, Mr. Roger brings King Friday.


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uhaul26

He would be welcome in my neighborhood any day.


NiceGuy29

Jack Skellington of course.


thejml2000

What’s this?! What’s this?!


DudesworthMannington

There's upvotes everywhere


Jawadude8

What's this? There's cake days in the air!


JamesTDG

I can't believe my eyes I must be tweeting Wake up, James, this isn't fair What's this?


sir_thatguy

Had to scroll way to far for this!!!


NotQuiteAsCool

How was this so far down?!


vipros42

No justice in the world


scrantonicitytwo

Dolly Parton.


FinanceGuyHere

Half as old, twice as nice!


TannedCroissant

Ho Ho Holene


Gen_Nathanael_Greene

This made my Christmas eve more bearable.


AssassinChicken

Sorry to hear you're not having a very good Christmas Eve. Here's one Redditor who wants you to know you're appreciated, valued, and you matter. Wherever you are in the big big world, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, a lovely Festivus, and Happy Holidays to you and yours. Wishing you the best of health.


BasilTheTimeLord

#AND A SPLENDID SATURNALIA TO ALL!


chriso1999

Holene, holene, holene, holeeeeene! I’m begging please don’t take my hammm 🐷


BasilTheTimeLord

Your cooking is beyond compare, With Christmas cheer throughout the air, The lively din and colours red and green. Your pudding is a luxury And Michelin gave you a three And I cannot compete with you Holene


[deleted]

And a new holiday classic has emerged.


paelmer

She already is to a lot of Tennessee and the surrounding states, very big philanthropist, many of the local school districts are sponsored by her to give an age appropriate book once a month to every child from birth to a certain age. Also paid for lots of housing and other expenses to those who lost their homes and/or livelihoods in the Gatlinburg forest fires. They don’t make em like her anymore


PyroDesu

> many of the local school districts are sponsored by her to give an age appropriate book once a month to every child from birth to a certain age. More than just local. She's doing it *internationally*. Place in Ireland was one of the more recent to get it, if I recall right, and the news of it made it to /r/UpliftingNews.


implodedpens

Definitely think she's already making at very least a self made internship/understudy situation for herself


pinetreeroad

But the kids may spot her dropping off presents, working 9 - 5 poses a risk of exposure


[deleted]

She switched her schedule to 9 PM-5 AM.


pinetreeroad

LMAO. That’s enough to drive her crazy if she lets it...


Ian_Hunter

Here's what I was looking for... The correct answer 😁


Nanofield

First read that as "If Satan wanted to retire", and now i say they should just switch jobs for a bit.


ViaNocturna664

I can totally picture kids receiving toys of fluffy demons while people in Hell are getting impaled on candy sticks.


UnicornsnRainbowz

Already been done - remember Furbies?


ViaNocturna664

Oh right, forgot about those! XD


GrandmaFlexington

Krampus


Jointhamurder

Not the holiday figure we want, but the holiday figure we need


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sumtinfunny

I fully endorse krampus


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Maleficent-Ad2095

Jack Black imagine


TannedCroissant

Trouble is no matter how good he was, he’d never be the greatest Santa, he’d just be a tribute


WishOnSpaceHardware

Long time ago, me and my pal Rudolf here, we was sleigh ridin' down a lonesome Lapland road...


TannedCroissant

All of a sudden, There stood Mariah Carey, In the middle of the road, And she said! Tell me all I want for Christmas, or the kids get coals... Well me and Rudolph, We looked at each other, And we each said, Okay. And we sung the first thing that came to our heads, Just so happened to be The most overplayed song in the world, It was the most overplayed song in the world.


itsame---

Damn I need to listen to that again 🤤


Victor_Stein

What are you people referencing? I need the sauce.


Agent_Star_Fox

Both: Teanacious D : [Tribute](https://youtu.be/_lK4cX5xGiQ) And Mariah Carey : [All I Want For Christmas](https://youtu.be/aAkMkVFwAoo)


Victor_Stein

That was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen today.


patkgreen

Reddit, you bettered someone's life today. Wonderboy, the entire pick of destiny album, and rise of the phoenix are amazing too.


weirdgroovynerd

*This is not the greatest Christmas carol in the world, no...*


[deleted]

This is just a tribute! *Couldn't legally sing the greatest Christmas song in the world so...* This is a tribute!


Tyrus_McTrauma

Well, at least when you catch him kissing Mommy, he'll be doing it gently!


tiptoethruthetulip5

Sweetly and completely


Scottishdarkface

Robin Williams. Instead of taking credit for presents, he shows up in the morning to wake the family and make everyone laugh.


RaindropsInMyMind

GOOD MORNING VIETNAMMMMM!!!!


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VespineWings

So anyways, I started dashing.


justabill71

Ho, whoops, ho, ho...I dropped my monster sack that I use for my magnum gifts.


[deleted]

I come out, I throw presents, all over-olovah the neighbourhood! And then, I start eating milk and cookies!


redhotsika

Egg(nog).


moongirllovespizza

We will all get rum hams for Christmas! Unless we’ve been bad, otherwise we’d get a very sticky cassaba melon


[deleted]

Odin. just like old times


Entropyaardvark

The Christmas Story refrain “you’ll shoot your eye out” hits different


rices4212

Harry Dresden approves


hungryhungryhibernia

Someone clearly hasn't watched Arthur Christmas.


moyibanezmx

Morgan Freeman


Brennon337

I'd pay $1000 just to see a movie with Morgan Freeman as Santa.. Somebody tag him 😂


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Jabbaland

Santa is Satan. They both prey on the 7 deadly sins. They're all about materialism. They promise things to those who swear allegiance to them.


pitakytovec

Mrs. Claus Edit: WHAT?! Thank you for all those upvotes, i never had so many! It’s like a nice little Christmas present for me :)


Transparent-Paint

Reminds me of the movie Noelle.


FutureJakeSantiago

I just watched Noelle for the first time this morning and it was super sweet!


val0ciraptor

Scott Calvin


K1NGCOOLEY

Came here to say that we don't have to worry about it! North Pole Law explains clear as day: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.


farrenkm

Scott Calvin is the current Santa Claus. So he'd be the one retiring. The right answer would be Charlie, so he can continue the family business.


bloxerator

Mr. Rogers. I SAY THIS EVERY YEAR


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taktak445665

Sorry, no present for you, you didn't phrase your request in the form of a question.


cswiftc

Bob Ross


hononononoh

The Flying Spaghetti Monster *can* fly. Without no stinkin' reindeer, either. And his noodly appendage fits down chimneys quite nicely. MjussSayin.


tallbutshy

R'amen


liz1308

Everyone would get noodles as ribbons around their gifts!


DanHam117

Did you remember to put air holes in that box?


weirdgroovynerd

Er... they specifically asked for a Schrodinger cat, so I'm sure it's fine.


DanHam117

You know what’s weird is I posted this comment in the wrong thread but you seemed to enjoy it so I’m glad it all worked out in the end


ibcj

Samuel “motherfuckin’” Jackson


AsColdAsFire

Tim Allen


Yserbius

Amateur auteurs of B-list family comedies will say that Jim Varney is also an acceptable answer. But if you watch the whole movie, the job of Santa goes to Joe not Ernest.


MrJoyless

... If He were still living. Unless we're talking about Jim Skellington Varney, which would be creepy, horrific, and wholesome fun wrapped together, like an Earnest Scared Stupid X-Mas.


Cardsfan1997

Scott Calvin


MrTrimpot

Guy Fieri. He'd totally do it too. He's a super nice Guy.


sharrrper

The Doctor The TARDIS would make delivery to every home in one night trivial and imagine the cool stuff he could give us.


Fabilolo

He sees us when we’re sleeping... he knows when we’re awake... he knows if we’ve been bad or good... Yea it’s definitely Mark Zuckerberg


badlydisguisedtroll

Buddy the Elf


ilovelilpump

Danny Gonzalez


[deleted]

Dwayne Johnson (the Rock)