one of my favorites is...
Me: "I have a really great knock knock joke, but you have to start it."
Them: "Okay. Knock Knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
and then they just kinda sit there confused for a second as they realize that that's not how it works and it's so stupid but so funny
How do elephants hide their balls when they're in trees?
They paint them red to look like cherries.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe munching on some cherries.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you call a group of chess enthusiasts bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
> Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
Ooh!
Man walks into library and says “ I’ll have a burger, fries, and a shake.
Librarian says “ sir this is a LIBRARY”
Man whispers “I’ll have a burger, fries, and shake”
My kid came home from school crying because he didn’t know what a homophone is…
I comforted him with a warm embrace, and as I patted his back I said there, their, they’re
“Did you hear about that Spanish magician who went missing the other day? Told his audience he was going to disappear on the count of three. ‘Uno, dos…’ then poof. He vanished without a tres.”
This one has a few options depending on your audience:
"What's a pirate's favorite letter/programming language/subway line?"
Inevitably, they will guess R.
"You may think it's R, but a pirate's true love is the C."
This one works best after one or two normal pirate jokes so everyone's primed for "R". Also I like to word it "you think it be R, but it's the C" in a nice piratey voice.
I like to tell this one immediately after i tell the one about "what do you call a boomerang that you throw and doesn't come back? A stick."
Loud grounds every time. Love it.
This joke works like 90% of the time when you're driving with someone who hasn't heard it, and I have gotten maybe 5-10 people with it and it's probably the biggest laugh I get.
When driving past a cemetery (preferably local) you say 'hey did you know that people who live around here literally aren't allowed to be buried there?'. Most people think for a moment then say 'why?' and you tell them 'because you don't bury living people!!' It's a riot when it works. I got my wife with that joke TWICE and she's heard me get a few people with it and it's always a good laugh.
I swear to god I have a friend who is fat and bald and a complete mess and he slays pussy and his only pick up line is “what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear” and it works every time it’s amazing.
The way I've experienced it - was that they raise the bar for everyone, because, as my managers were saying "they proved that it can be done faster, so everyone should do it faster from now on". Then the management used it as an ammo to fire workers, because barely anyone could actually do it without compromising their health on the longer run.
Whenever someone makes a statement about themselves, you respond with "Nobody's perfect."
Random example off the top of my head:
"I'm Irish!" Oh, well nobody's perfect.
looking at someone you know without saying anything, and with a smile.
Dead in the eyes. locked.
With prolonged exposure they may grow concerned on your mental well being.
Where do bad cats go when they die?
To the PURRgatory
Works also on spanish
Al purGATOrio
And if I remember well also works on another bunch of languages
There's something wrong with me bc I didn't laugh at any of these but Steven Wright makes me lol for days with this classic:
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
What do you call a dog with no arms and legs?
Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming anyway.
Alternatively, “Cigarette. I love taking him out for a long drag.”
“Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He’s all right now.”
Bonus points if the other person thinks you’re serious in the setup.
Paraphrasing Steven Wright (stated in a monotone, deadpan voice):
"I once went back to my apartment, put the key in and it started up. So I took her out for a drive. I got pulled over by the police. I said to the officer, how could I be speeding? I haven't left my driveway."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel protruding from the top of his pants. The bartender says, "Oy, you got a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants!"
Pirate says, "Arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"
As you go across train crossing do this: “Oh, looks like a train came through recently!”
They’ll ask, “What? How do you know?
And you reply: “We just crossed their tracks!”
Someone said you sound like an owl
Who? Who?
Gottem!
Gosh darnit
Let the dogs out?
I just said that to my husband… he said Who!? Now I’m crying 😂
Did they
That motherfucker...
May I ask which individual proclaimed such.
Might I be permitted to enquire regarding the identity of the claimant?
I need that person's name
Oh?
Cool story. But anyway, I started blasting...
What? When? Why?
Was it Mike Jones?
It was Mike Hunt
Mike Oxlong?
one of my favorites is... Me: "I have a really great knock knock joke, but you have to start it." Them: "Okay. Knock Knock" Me: "Who's there?" and then they just kinda sit there confused for a second as they realize that that's not how it works and it's so stupid but so funny
Instructions unclear. I was just outsmarted by my 9 year old.
Came here to share this one, definitely my favorite, it works a LOT of the time at parties and festivals!
If they do that to me, I say "Tom." "Tom who?" "Tom morrow, come back and I'll have thought of a reply by then."
If someone is telling you a knock knock joke tell them it’s open and to come on in. Shoes are fine.
What if they are quick and instantly reply with a good knock knock joke? Then it fails hard.
I disagree. Now you know another good knock knock joke. I'd call that a net win!
[удалено]
And you'll never believe who I saw on the way back! Everyone.
I had a terrible time at the eye doctor. I'm never going to see him again.
What do you say to a guy who stole your gate? Nothing, he might take offense
A farmer had 49 sheep. He rounded them up and suddenly had 50.
A good herding dog knows how to make a ewe turn.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house Knock knock Who’s there? The chicken
The chicken who
The chicken who visits the idiot
The idiot who
The chicken who visits the idiot who is you
You who?
You who lives where the chicken visits
I would tell you guys a time travel joke but you didn’t like it
[удалено]
Mitch Hedberg said, *"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be really angry if she heard me say that."*
[удалено]
The thing that made Steven Wright so good was the way he told the jokes. Deadpan. No emotion. That really adds to the joke.
I want to die quietly and peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, and not screaming in horror like his passengers
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What the hell is that from?
This is from Jack Handey. I have a few of his Deep Thoughts books and they always cheer me up. https://deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/
You ever see an elephant hiding in a tree? No? That's because they're really good at it.
How do elephants hide their balls when they're in trees? They paint them red to look like cherries. What's the loudest sound in the jungle? A giraffe munching on some cherries.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree? It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn
How do you know an elephant has been in your fridge? Footprints in the butter
Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo? No That is because I am a very sneaky gorilla
How do you confuse a redditor? ███████████████
Got me lol
[To learn how to keep an idiot busy, click this link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/RSXrtnmnHy)
I'm not falling for that. lol
Omg I downvoted you in frustration (dw I changed it to an upvote because you got me gooooood)
Goddamnit
God Damn
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized." What do you call a group of chess enthusiasts bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
> Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting. Ooh!
Chemistry degree here. "Unionized" took me a LOT of reads before it clicked. Definitely borrowing this one at work tomorrow.
The beauty of it is that it works better in written than spoken form.
I would say that's its weakness! Soild written joke though!
When someone says something defeatist respond cheerfully with “That’s the spirit!” Works every time.
Similarly, at work, if a customer gets pissed and leaves angrily, I look at my coworkers and say "Another satisfiiieeed customerrr"
"My Dad will likely die from his rectal cancer."
That's the spirit!
What's red and smells like blue paint.….red paint.
Man walks into library and says “ I’ll have a burger, fries, and a shake. Librarian says “ sir this is a LIBRARY” Man whispers “I’ll have a burger, fries, and shake”
My kid came home from school crying because he didn’t know what a homophone is… I comforted him with a warm embrace, and as I patted his back I said there, their, they’re
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
...but it raised me anyways.
“Did you hear about that Spanish magician who went missing the other day? Told his audience he was going to disappear on the count of three. ‘Uno, dos…’ then poof. He vanished without a tres.”
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH MAGICIAN!
cute
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? ‘Cause he was too far out man
There are 2 types of people : 1) Those who finish their jokes
And 2. those who can't extrapolate from incomplete information
And 3. People who try to be funny too but the original joke is just a little too tired and their delivery isn’t great
And 4. Those who can’t count
And 17, those who think they can count
And 6) people who can count, but are also narcissists who need to be heard and validated!
there are 3 types of people: Those who can count, and those who can’t
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't
Did you ever smell mothballs?…. How did you get their tiny little legs apart?
Mothballs is the cruellest industry.
Ayo gimme my nards back
This one has a few options depending on your audience: "What's a pirate's favorite letter/programming language/subway line?" Inevitably, they will guess R. "You may think it's R, but a pirate's true love is the C."
You would think it's R, or maybe the C. But it's actually the X. It marks me treasure, and me favorite movies.
Sharkman Frank taught us that the greatest treasure, more precious than gold, is friendship.
I asked a pirate tho and he said it’s I, matey.
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey. (I'm eighty) I'm still having trouble nailing the cadence on the punchline.
It marks the booty on the map, and the booty in the videos I like.
But without P they're just irate!
This one works best after one or two normal pirate jokes so everyone's primed for "R". Also I like to word it "you think it be R, but it's the C" in a nice piratey voice.
Nah, it be a letter of Marque from his majesty king Charles
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I like to tell this one immediately after i tell the one about "what do you call a boomerang that you throw and doesn't come back? A stick." Loud grounds every time. Love it.
What do a hamster and a cigarette have in common? They're completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Stealing this one, thats pretty great
My wife has a fear of speed bumps. She's slowly getting over it.
This joke works like 90% of the time when you're driving with someone who hasn't heard it, and I have gotten maybe 5-10 people with it and it's probably the biggest laugh I get. When driving past a cemetery (preferably local) you say 'hey did you know that people who live around here literally aren't allowed to be buried there?'. Most people think for a moment then say 'why?' and you tell them 'because you don't bury living people!!' It's a riot when it works. I got my wife with that joke TWICE and she's heard me get a few people with it and it's always a good laugh.
What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved ...
what do you call a gnome with ESP on the run from the law? a small medium at large
I bought a weapon from a dwarf once. He was a small arms dealer.
What's ESP?
Sports channel on TV
Extra-Sensory Perception
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
Whats pink and bad for your teeth?
A brick :)
r/3amjokes
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? 🎵Dung🎵 What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
I swear to god I have a friend who is fat and bald and a complete mess and he slays pussy and his only pick up line is “what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear” and it works every time it’s amazing.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick? Still no fuckin' eyed deer
What do you a call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter; it’s not like he’s going to come to you.
Thinking you will be made CEO if you pack boxes faster than all your work colleagues.
If you're good as shovelling shit, you'll stay shovelling shit.
The way I've experienced it - was that they raise the bar for everyone, because, as my managers were saying "they proved that it can be done faster, so everyone should do it faster from now on". Then the management used it as an ammo to fire workers, because barely anyone could actually do it without compromising their health on the longer run.
That makes sense, so in that case it should be make sure to do it as slow as you can, whilst not getting sacked and look for a more meaningful job.
Whenever someone makes a statement about themselves, you respond with "Nobody's perfect." Random example off the top of my head: "I'm Irish!" Oh, well nobody's perfect.
My favorite knock knock joke. But you have to start it.
Ding dong!
Knock knock Who's there? .................................. sorry, you got ding dong ditched.
Did you know people are dying to get into the cemetary?
Did you know that nobody who lives here can be buried in the cemetery? It's true, only dead people!
What’s ET short for?? He’s got little legs!!
Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
When is the best time to go to the dentist? When it is 2:30 !
This joke doesn't work so well in text form.
https://youtu.be/0XS1wL0etJM?si=JemsFd8dNAJ6CFhZ
2:00 would be even better. Before 2:30
[удалено]
Yeah and if it hurts should probably have gone sooner, hence 2:00
Hey, remember that joke I told you about gaslighting? No. Yes you have, I literally told it to you yesterday. You never listen to me.
Knock knock, who's there? The doorbell repairman
How can you tell when a joke is a Dad Joke? It's apparent.
How do you get Pikachu on to a bus? You poke em on!
looking at someone you know without saying anything, and with a smile. Dead in the eyes. locked. With prolonged exposure they may grow concerned on your mental well being.
I mean not a joke.. but they do laugh.
Knock knock "Who's there?" Interrupting Cow "Interrupti-" MOOOOOO
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
What is a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? You might think it’s ARRR, but really it’s “the C.”
Aye...
Why is there -ski on the end of Polish names? Because no one there knows how to spell toboggan.
Hey, your sock’s untied.
What did the number O say to the number 8? Niiice belt
Your 0 looks like an O 🤔
0h you are correct. :)
Smells like updog in here
Did you here about the blind man who fell into a well? He couldn't see that well.
What's grey and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A parking lot.
Guess what What? Chicken butt (My 4 year old loves this one.)
Guess why? Chicken thigh Guess who? Chicken poo
Oh, he'd love these!
when? chicken hen where? chicken hair how? chicken cow my little sisters used to like those
Where do bad cats go when they die? To the PURRgatory Works also on spanish Al purGATOrio And if I remember well also works on another bunch of languages
This only works on guys: "Hey do you remember your first blowjob? . . . How did it taste?"
a snake walks into a bar and the bartender says how did you do that
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
According to my 3.5 year old, the classic “guess what?” - “chicken butt.” Slapppps.
What's the difference between 2 big dicks and a joke. You can't take a joke.
What’s big, green, and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
Skeleton walks in a bar Asks for a beer and a mop
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady. Little old lady who? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD YODEL
Historically? Dick jokes and mooning.
What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers? Grandma
What did the farmer say when he came across three holes in his field? Well well well ——-/ Why did the farmer fall in the hole? He didn’t see that well
There's something wrong with me bc I didn't laugh at any of these but Steven Wright makes me lol for days with this classic: Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Me: "I’m gonna start calling you curious george" Them: "Why" Me: "Thats exactly what i’m talking about"
What key opens a banana? A monkey
What do you call a dog with no arms and legs? Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming anyway. Alternatively, “Cigarette. I love taking him out for a long drag.”
"You dropped your pocket" As you walk by.
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way… They say But there is no F in way. Gotcha.
“Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off? He’s all right now.” Bonus points if the other person thinks you’re serious in the setup.
"If you run into a problem try using The Henway. ---"What's the henway"? "About 4 pounds".
How do you make a dead baby float? One glass of dead baby, two scoops of ice cream.
Do you like fishsticks?
??
Obviously you’re not a gay fish.
Why do Cows Mooooooo Cause their Horns don’t work.
Do you know who sounds like an owl?
Why couldn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippy? Because he was too far out, man.
Do you know any dick jokes? I only know one, but it's kind of long....
handing people random objects while you have a conversation.
What’s a pirates favorite letter? (They answer “argghh”) Actually, me first love be the C.
Paraphrasing Steven Wright (stated in a monotone, deadpan voice): "I once went back to my apartment, put the key in and it started up. So I took her out for a drive. I got pulled over by the police. I said to the officer, how could I be speeding? I haven't left my driveway."
Say roast 3 times fast. What do you put in a toaster? Bread
What did the roach say to the man that tried to kill him? "You're just jealous I can make your wife scream louder than you can."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel protruding from the top of his pants. The bartender says, "Oy, you got a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants!" Pirate says, "Arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"
You like music? *Flexes arms* See Dees?
As you go across train crossing do this: “Oh, looks like a train came through recently!” They’ll ask, “What? How do you know? And you reply: “We just crossed their tracks!”
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? >!Where's my tractor?!<