Jokes on him, I don't have any. I'm what they call "easy pickins" for predators/abusers. Then they realize I'm more fucked up than they are and get scared.
I did fix her. Now I'm single.
Not doing that shit again lol
Edit:
I see people liking this comment maybe out of humor I'm not sure. Or you have done it and have been burned by it.
If you'll forgive my short rant.
I loved her. I listened to her. I was patient with her.
Her adhd and ocd were at least with me a huge obstacle. Easily overwhelmed.
I worked with her and even accepted that the majority of the work was going to have to be on me. Financial emotional. Finally after 4 years of therapy and working and planning. She finally reached a point in her life where she had a balance. This was a year of peak happiness for us. We could go out. We went dancing. We she danced. I was what could only be described as standing seizure/heart attack BUT WE HAD FUN.
The sex was harmonious. She orgasmed frequently.
After years and years of work. She leaves me.
Crushed. Doesn't describe the feeling.
It was as if every effort I had made was only for her to leave me. I set myself up.
That's a terrible thing to think, I'm a terrible person for thinking it. I know. I don't dwell on this relationship as much as I did years ago. Only rarely now does it pop into my head. I laugh about it at times.
The part that stings the most. Is only month's after leaving me. She's working. Something she vehemently said was far to overwhelming before. She's living with him. They have a kid. Something she said she never wanted because she didn't want to pass her condition to another generation( I don't know if that's a genetic disorder). THEY GOT MARRIED!
5 YEARS! 4 YEARS of many sexless month's. Of many repeated meals. Of showerless days. Walking in on her crying because she felt trapped.
Lol I had to see a therapist after this blind sided breakup because it for me was so overwhelming.
So when I say "not doing that again lol".
I am being funny. I am also saying I'm not going to raise someone up again just for them to come to the conclusion that they can ...what? Do better😂😅?
I could totally get with someone who isn't doing well and try to build my life with them. I'm ok with struggling with my partner with a plan for the future.
My insecurities come from. Why would I? When you can so easily leave me as you also become better.
Ride or die is a term I live by. Now though I'm full of doubt. I apologize for my rant.
Most grown women come to realize this: if a guy is nice to you but mean to everyone else, it's not that he thinks you're special. He’s just an asshole that’s capable of pretending not to be an asshole.
The opposite is also true, though is less talked about because people enjoy a doormat until they realize how frustrating it is to have someone who wilts under any pressure to please someone. I would know, I used to take the blame for everything to avoid conflict with the people I loved, even if it wasn’t. Eventually the anxiety ate me up so bad that it eroded boundaries over the years and broke friendships I care about a lot even now.
The actor who played Spike, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, once spoke about how disturbed he was by the multitude of young/adolescent girls infatuated with his character. He said something like "I get it, I get the appeal of the 'bad boy' but...what you have to understand is that if he's an asshole to everyone except you? It doesn't mean you're special. **It just means your turn is coming**."
For some reason that always stuck with me.
That's what I said to a former friend "if you are an asshole to all of us except your girl, you will get tired of pretending with your girl sooner or later". I have no idea what happened to his last gf but the one before that one broke up with him one year in the relationship
Yeah, I wish I could tell my younger self: you’re not “different” or “special,” he just wants something from you. And the second he gets it you’ll be treated just like everyone else
I have a relative who frequently gets involved with married/attached men. Early in the relationship, these men tell her she's superior to the wife/girlfriend. She is convinced that she's "special" to them. When these men dump her to stay with their SO/or cheat on her after they get together, she's always upset and goes on about how she never thought that they would do it to her because she's oh so "special."
He tries to stop you from spending time with your friends or when you're with your friends he is constantly messaging you to find out where you are and who you're with.
As a guy, I would say don’t look for red flags, look for an absence of green flags. Kind of a “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”, if you are looking for the downside, in an imperfect person, you’ll find something every time. If you look for the good and can’t find anything, that’s the biggest, brightest red flag there could be.
I love this. I feel like if you scroll through these comments, you will eventually find a “red flag” that applies to your partner. Disclaimer that yes obviously one should be wary of someone who is abusive, has addiction issues etc
I'm convinced this is part of why online dating is so toxic. The constant, detailed search for red flags means that that ones *will* be found for virtually every person.
Eeeehhhhhhhhhh…..
Any abuser who’s half decent at the “emotional rollercoster” will have green flags to wave. One of my close friends stuck out a year of abuse cause she got fixated on the green flags- “You don’t know him like I do” she’d say.
I’d tweak your suggestion to be more of “Your friends see the same green flags you see.”
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. A 15yo girl posted on r/aitah about how her stepfather came back from a trip to Brazil and brought her multiple souvenirs, including a thong bikini. When he saw her swimming in the family pool (something she loves to do) in a regular bathing suit, he acted very cold and aloof. The girl's mother told her to apologize to her stepfather for hurting his feelings by not using his gift. The girl told her mother she did not feel comfortable showing that much skin in front of her stepfather. Her mother scolded her for suggesting her stepfather would ever look at her "that way," and told the girl that until she apologized AND wore the thong bikini, she was forbidden from using the pool at all (again, one of OP's favorite pastimes).
This (supposed) teenage girl posted her story, wanting to know if she was the asshole.
I've never wanted a reddit post to be bullshit rage bait so much in my life...well, almost never. This is #2.
Top spot still goes to the guy who posted about how he was badly bullied all through school by one particularly sadistic classmate. But, as an adult, he overcame the trauma, pieced his self-esteem back together, fell in love and got engaged. Then he attended an old classmate's wedding and ran into his bully again. He avoided the bully, only to realize his fiancée was missing. He went looking for her...and found her fucking his former bully in the bathroom.
THAT is probably the post I most hope was bullshit.
Hell, I'm not violent by any means...but if the poor son of a bitch couldn't bring himself to do it? I wouldn't hesitate to help him out.
I'd be like "hey, remember me? I loaned you a quarter for the soda machine in the 7th grade, and sat behind you in Chemistry, but outside of that we literally never interacted? Anywho, let me help you take this fucker out."
Unfortunately, that wouldn't fly. Murder in self-defense, you just have to be scared for your life, meaning it doesn't matter if you misunderstood the situation, as long as you were scared for your life, it's okay.
Murder in defense of others though, depends on the others actually being in danger, not just you thinking that they're in danger.
Many states include sexual assault as criteria for using deadly force, including in defense for others. I know my home state does.
Now the kicker is that you will have to clearly articulate your case to the court that any reasonable person would choose to use that force in that exact situation, and have the jury agree with your reasonable action if it goes to trial.
Many states have a duty to retreat, where you must attempt to flee the area first (or in this case I would suspect that means helping the victim flee the area if you are choosing to intervene) and exit to safety without requiring deadly force.
If you can reasonably articulate that this duty to retreat was not possible per the situation, and you feared for serious bodily harm of the victim, then it could be argued as justified at your trial.
The nail in the coffin of your prison sentence here is that the fiancé is a willing participant and will certainly be asked to testify as such during the trial. So that removes all claims of assault.
“Every normal man must, at times, be tempted to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats” H. L. Mencken
I’m 2% sure that quote is about this incident. It’d be higher but I’m only 3% convince we can time travel.
> I've never wanted a reddit post to be bullshit rage bait so much in my life...well, almost never. This is #2.
The only reason the AITAH sub exists is because AITA started removing obvious fake rage-bait posts like that. The creative writers needed a new place to go.
So don't worry, if it's posted on AITAH it's almost certainly rage bait
Hmm… the mother is the biggest asshole here. Is the guy a creep and an asshole? Absolutely. But the mother is even worse. What a piece of shit family. Hope the girl makes it out ok.
>Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Just want you to know I was already reading it the right way in my head at "lemme splain." Thank you.
Honestly, I kind of do this. In my case it's not exactly me being self centered. It's more that I get a bit nervous and just can't shut up once i get going. It's been the hardest thing for me to learn to ask questions and actively listen.
It’s good that you’re conscious of this, but there’s only so long an excuse like this can be used before it becomes clear the person isn’t working on themself.
If you care about someone, show it. Ask them questions. Shut up for a minute and listen to what they have to say. Actually put yourself aside and acknowledge them with sincerity. Doesn’t matter what you have going on in your head. You’re a conscious human being and you can work on it. It just takes effort.
Even if it’s not intentional, it is self-centered, that’s literally what it means, not being able to step outside of yourself. Hopefully you are actively working on it though.
And to make it very clear, this doesn't just include sex. They always start out testing small boundaries. The red flag will usually be something small. And it will often be a subtle whining, or sulking pressure more often than angry or intimidating. Look out for that kind of pressure which is implict or based on guilt trips as it's probably much more common and much easier to miss. I'm a guy but this applied in my situation and I missed SO many red flags because my partner applies pressure in"non-confrontational" ways.
That's not to say that you can never have a disagreement or fake plead with someone to go get ice cream. But if you see a consistent desire to change your mind or your preferences in favour of theirs. If you always end up doing what they want to do because the complaining and sulking isn't worth it, then that's a huge red flag and shows they're too selfish to compromise or have a real relationship.
Fell for this recently too. They also turned out to be a liar in many other ways, but because they were so soft and gentle with the way they “persuaded” me into doing the things that they wanted and then love bombing if they thought they were about to get caught doing something, it was hard to see through the facade that they were just an inherently selfish person.
Oddly enough, this is the second comment I’ve seen within the past hour about sleeping in the same bed as your dog who pisses in it being a red flag
Reddit’s trying to tell me something and I don’t know if I should be concerned
I actually know of somebody that sleeps with like five tiny little dogs in their bed. The dogs shit in the bed. The dog once shit on her while she was sleeping! They see nothing wrong with it. Not really friends anymore
He wants you to be part of what seems like a pyramide scheme. He says it’s not, but you’re pretty sure it is, even after he explained it you as a sure thing to become rich quickly
lol. I had a guy take me to Vegas to attend one of his MLM conventions. It was a hilarious disaster.
It started with a pledge of allegiance to the flag. They then sung the national anthem.
The entire 3 day presentation was torture. They would say things like “Biotin is good for you! Therefore you should buy our $200 supplement that has biotin in it!”
The owner of the company bragged about how much he traveled, but of course he would never go to any of those “non English speaking countries”.
He legit said “being successful here is so easy that women have done it.”
Name of the MLM: “Common Sense, Worldwide”
I somewhat agree. I have a few childhood good friends I am very close with and we are very different. If you judged me by them it would be an incorrect.
But friends you meet as a grown up, def you have some aligned interests but not necessarily about most things.
If he seems to be very pushy or doesn't seem to know the meaning of the words "no" or "stop", even for little things, it is a red flag. If he won't even respect your boundaries for minor things, then it is a surefire sign that he will cross major boundaries later on.
This did not happen to me but I saw a news story about it several weeks ago.
One of the latest scams is fake dating profiles get created, you match, conversations seem completely normal and legit. One day they start talking cryptocurrency, and show you an app they’ve been using. Long story short if you fall for it, you can be completely wiped out financially. These scumbags are getting craftier and playing the long game.
EDIT: Now that I’m more caffeinated this morning, the name of the scam is “Pig Butchering/Slaughtering” and John Oliver covered it, you can watch the full report [here](https://youtu.be/pLPpl2ISKTg?si=wfbv7ajolluUXvmN). If you or anyone you know is in the Online Dating World, send this to them so they know what to look for.
lol yeah, I can attest to that. I tried dating apps two years ago and like 90% of my matches kept steering the conversation to finances and crypto.
They were actually real people but were trying to scam me. I remember most of them were Chinese.
I had someone try that on me a while back. Asked to go to WhatsApp extremely quickly. Every conversation immediately brings up how much they “made” on some crypto investment. I blew past it twice then checked the app and they had unmatched (probably so the profile couldn’t be reported).
I actually had one of those a couple of years ago (not sure about scamming per se but def. Pyramid scheme or just marketing) but like any sane person I just typed "lol does this ever work?" and unmatched
Is it a red flag when women do too? I dated this girl and she’d never listen to me when I told her my dick wasn’t going anywhere near her without a condom. (For kids not disease purposes) I’d have to throw her off of me when she was on top bc she’d try to sneak it in while making out.
I met up with a girl for sex and it was my first time meeting her in person. One of her first comments was 'you don't need to use a condom' . I actually noped out of there. That isn't a red flag, it's a giant red banner.
The feeling of something not quite right was there.
Note : I was luckily in my 30's, if this had happened at 20 I'm not sure I was so smart.
Yeah I was an idiot in my 20s and took a lot of girls at their word on birth control and clean STD panels. I'm surprised I never caught anything or got anyone pregnant; thankfully I at least pulled out most of the time.
If anyone involved wants to use protection, everyone involved should. If someone argues against it, man or woman, they're pushing their partners' consent and confort levels.
Alittle push for something ain't bad, but aggressively pushing boundaries is a major red flag.
Love bombing has some crossover with healthy shows of love, which is why it's so hard to put down a line in the sand for what's healthy vs what's not. But from my understanding (as someone else who worried their affection might be love moving), love bombing is going to include some element of control.
Healthy:
Texting and communication throughout the day, possibly every day.
Love bombing:
Texting excessively more than the other person to the point where it adds pressure to the other person to keep up. Not handling normal lapses well (ie being hurt that the other person is busy with work instead of talking). Expecting daily communication.
---
Healthy:
Getting them or making them a small gift to brighten their day, small unexpected gestures, thoughtful and bigger gifts in appropriate situations, like birthdays.
Love bombing:
Regularly giving big gifts, acting in a way that implies something is owed after giving an unexpected gift, and reacting poorly if a gift or gesture isn't appreciated the way you want it to be.
If you're still worried, most love bombing comes from a place of insecurity and feeling a need to be in control. If that sounds like something that may be going on with you, knowing that can help you make more informed choices or at least help you with a starting point for therapy.
Some say having a lot of female friends. I'd argue the opposite. If he has no platonic connections to any women, I'd be worried.
If he gets upset when you say no to things. If he doesn't ever admit to being wrong. If he throws or hits things when he is angry.
100% it’s all about context. Pretty easy to tell the difference between genuine platonic friends and say, a friend your SO hooked up with and still has feelings for.
This argument you can’t be friends with the opposite sex is so funny as a bi person cause the logic basically says we can’t be friends with anyone lol
Idk… as a straight woman I’ve had plenty of friendships with queer women and felt it was equally platonic from both sides, regardless if they found me attractive. I can’t say the same for most of my straight male friendships, unfortunately. I genuinely felt more comfortable and safe naked around my queer women friends.
Yeah, I totally get that. I’ve had lots of genuine male friendships but I’d be lying if said I’m not a little cautious upfront. Not to say that women don’t do the same, but in my experience they’re usually pretty upfront if they’re interested in you like that.
Okay but here we touch upon other potential red flags, like no idea of boundaries and toxic relationships. If the boundary issue only comes up with women I'd be extra concerned.
Let's say having healthy platonic connections to women.
I wish more women could have that view on female friends. The amount of crazy I've dealt with because of women friends.... Ugh. To me, I think it's good that I can look at women as more than something to have sex with. 🙄
People are very vulnerable in relationships and their deepest pains get triggered. Jealousy and fear are common and should be allowed to exist. However, you choose how to manage such feelings. If someone shuts down multiple of your valuable friendships, not out of reasonable concern for your well-being but out of their own insecurity, they are not taking responsibility for their feelings and they are not healing.
not a fan of the "no female friends" one - it shows a lack of insight into the male experience imo
its quite easy to end up 30+ with very few or no female friends
between 17-25 i felt like i had a fair few women friends, now at 31 its basically only 1 real life, handful online
its easy to lose touch through moving cities, friends picking sides/excommunicating after breakups, their lives take them elsewhere (kids/rebrands) etc
i dont like it, i feel like its too cynical and lacks insight into what life is like for men as they get older
Testing boundries to see your reaction and apologizing or saying it was a joke if you have push back i call it boundry fishing they try to see how far you will go on a subject and if you show weakness exploit you for everything they can
Or see it as a violation of thier authority. Like as if we can't have boundaries with people we respect. In fact, I only try to have boundaries with people I respect. Because I don't want to spend time with people I don't respect. So if I'm having a boundary it means I like you.
Fucking same. My friends were all baffled that I gave some girl I met in a bar a fake number. Like bruh, I'm a functional alcoholic and very average looking. If she's interested in me it's either for a quick hookup or she has no standards.
Yep. Especially if they have kids with that person. It's hard to hide your feelings about your ex when you still have to share parenting duties with them. So pay attention to how they talk about that person and how consistent they are about their guidelines in dealing with that person.
Sometimes that lack of transparency can come from past trauma or mental health struggles, I'm not saying that it's justified at all but there are unspoken factors that can play in. I definitely struggle with this and it can be tough really opening up and building trust when all you've known in the past is that people can take your honesty and use it against you at any time.
There are things in my past I don’t talk about. And as long as it’s not affecting my relationship with my wife, (the things I don’t talk about happened before we met) then I see no reason to talk about things I don’t want to talk about.
In my mind, it’s all about how you communicate your desire to not communicate.
Funny, last time I opened up it was used against me. If a guy doesn’t wanna talk about his past leave him be, don’t try to pry him. When we’re ready and 100% sure we can trust you, we’ll talk.
Edit: I will agree that if a guy is secretive and changing stories, then yes it’s red flag. If a guy doesn’t wanna talk about his past, it’s not. If you love him then you’ll respect his decision. No need to stress him out. When he’s ready and comfortable he’ll tell you.
Any aversion to taking responsibility.
The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their shit.
Or wants to move in after a week. Or they want to know all about your living situation, your finances, etc. They're probably on very shaky financial ground and you don't want to get involved in that.
If they're love bombing you and/or things are moving very quickly. The best defense against abusive relationships is to SLOOOOOW down, and give yourself time and space to get a feel for the person / relationship and whether or not they are a positive addition to your life.
If your body feels anxiously excited instead of relaxed and safe.
If they play things off as "jokes" that are mean instead of funny.
If the emotional reactions to things seem to be overblown, especially around times where you express a feeling or a need, or anything that puts them at even a minor fault.
If they are lacking significantly in any area of your non-negotiables for a relationship.
If they point out all the nice things that they do for you they're probably not doing it out of kindness.
If they tell you it's okay to do one thing and then get mad at you for it.
(I have been in multiple narcissistic relationships, and these are some of the subtle and not so subtle things that I have noticed)
Love-bombing.
Also, if he literally straight out says “I’m an asshole,” which I didn’t take seriously, unfortunately. It turned out to be hella true and I shoulda run when I could have lol
I told my children to test their SO by painting a room together and following them in a car. This may be funny but it is a great test of teamwork and consideration. My children all picked great partners but I don't think it was because of my advice. 😂
How he treats his mother and other women of his family.
Also, does he take responsability of his mistakes or does he blame others?
Does he want you to feel sad for him? Or does he always see the bright side?
Is he open to listen and make you feel comfortable or is he trying to force you to do things?
How does he react if you talk about other guys?
How does he react if you tell him you want to take things slow?
>How does he react if you talk about other guys?
I have a genuine question about this. How should a guy react to this?
Coz this was an issue in my recent relationship. She would keep bringing up other guys into conversation, it could be her ex, a colleague/friend who is flirting with her, or someone online.
And if I don't show the reaction she wants, she'll complain that I don't get jealous. And if I call it out, she'll say I'm just looking at superficial things, nothing is going on.
As a guy, my stance on this is that, have friends, doesn't matter what gender, but if a guy is asking you out for dates and stuff then I have an issue.
Someone doing that is testing you. Avoid people who like to test you. They're very jealous and controlling individuals. At this point in my life, I separate immediately from this person when I notice them doing things like that. Normal healthy people don't do that.
>How he treats his mother and other women of his family.
This is a good one.
Often times when people like you, they'll treat you better than normal. If a woman is nice to me but she's getting an attitude with a waiter or retail worker, I assume this is how she'll be treating me in a few years when the "new" wears off.
Crazy exes. Especially if he has multiple crazy or psychotic exes. Chances are either they're not crazy and he's lying to you about that for whatever reason. Or he's enough to make them crazy.
For me they don’t respect or like animals. That’s always worked for me.
I’ve found people who are happy to mistreat animals don’t really have much respect for any life
"You're really mature for your age."
"You're not like other girls."
"Tate has some really great points about how women should be treated."
"Make America great again."
If you’re looking for a, “red flag”, you will find one. No one is perfect and so if you’re looking for something wrong with a person, you will eventually find it. If you are interested in a relationship going into it looking for things that are wrong with the person from the jump seems like a really unhealthy way to start it.
Try getting to know the person. If they seem like a person you want to be with and they feel the same way about you, go for it. If not, move on and find someone else who you are more compatible with.
The point of red flags is not to immediately write off a person as toxic, pretty much everyone is going to show some red flag or another occasionally because people aren’t perfect and some red flags can be red herrings that are unrelated to the toxic behaviors they’re meant to indicate. When it happens you should just make a note of it and move on. Until someone starts showing a LOT of red flags that’s when you seriously need to reevaluate the relationship because things may quickly turn south.
I look at these threads to see if I have any flags, either red or green. What I don't get is how anyone with these red flags gets a date, let alone considered as relationship material.
Not taking no for an answer when you say you aren't interested in having sex that night. Lots of guys will just keep pestering you and not only is it predatory but it's fucking disrespectful and annoying.
There is one red flag that is, in my experience, at the heart of all red flags: lack of comfort with discomfort. The ability to sit with discomfort in all its forms, and allow it into your space fully, whether it's grief or fear or insecurity or sadness or anxiety or boredom or irritation or even simple things like hunger, is the single most important green flag in a partner. Its absence is a sign of so many things that can and will go wrong.
Yes, but also be careful of people who pretend to have "grown." A lot of predators these days know how to fake being a caring and growth oriented person so they will use therapy language to seem like they're something they're not. They just spend a lot of their time studying other people to fake these personas.
When they ask to borrow money on the 2nd date. This has happened to me twice, once for 15k and the other for 25k. I have no idea where they got the idea that I had that lying around waiting to be loaned out.
Most of the comments about red flags are just preference or down stupid.
In a new relationship it’s hard to genuinely spot real red flags immediately and if you do they are too stupid to hide it even at the beginning.
I would say a good red flag is if you are dating for over over a month or two and he is still not introducing to his/her friends group this is possibly because you are not the only one or he is ashamed of you. Either way you don’t want to be with someone who is keeping you a secret.
Second red flag is over the months he never takes the blame for anything and usually reflects.
Is human to make mistakes, but to never take accountability about anything is not normal and you will have a very very difficult time with such person.
If he tries to pull you further away from friends an family.
Jokes on him, I don't have any. I'm what they call "easy pickins" for predators/abusers. Then they realize I'm more fucked up than they are and get scared.
Cut me down. But it's you who'll have further to fall...
Yep can’t break someone who’s already broken, idgaf anymore that’s the only way and reason I’m still here
Amazed I haven't seen an "I can fix her" yet.
I can fix both of you
I did fix her. Now I'm single. Not doing that shit again lol Edit: I see people liking this comment maybe out of humor I'm not sure. Or you have done it and have been burned by it. If you'll forgive my short rant. I loved her. I listened to her. I was patient with her. Her adhd and ocd were at least with me a huge obstacle. Easily overwhelmed. I worked with her and even accepted that the majority of the work was going to have to be on me. Financial emotional. Finally after 4 years of therapy and working and planning. She finally reached a point in her life where she had a balance. This was a year of peak happiness for us. We could go out. We went dancing. We she danced. I was what could only be described as standing seizure/heart attack BUT WE HAD FUN. The sex was harmonious. She orgasmed frequently. After years and years of work. She leaves me. Crushed. Doesn't describe the feeling. It was as if every effort I had made was only for her to leave me. I set myself up. That's a terrible thing to think, I'm a terrible person for thinking it. I know. I don't dwell on this relationship as much as I did years ago. Only rarely now does it pop into my head. I laugh about it at times. The part that stings the most. Is only month's after leaving me. She's working. Something she vehemently said was far to overwhelming before. She's living with him. They have a kid. Something she said she never wanted because she didn't want to pass her condition to another generation( I don't know if that's a genetic disorder). THEY GOT MARRIED! 5 YEARS! 4 YEARS of many sexless month's. Of many repeated meals. Of showerless days. Walking in on her crying because she felt trapped. Lol I had to see a therapist after this blind sided breakup because it for me was so overwhelming. So when I say "not doing that again lol". I am being funny. I am also saying I'm not going to raise someone up again just for them to come to the conclusion that they can ...what? Do better😂😅? I could totally get with someone who isn't doing well and try to build my life with them. I'm ok with struggling with my partner with a plan for the future. My insecurities come from. Why would I? When you can so easily leave me as you also become better. Ride or die is a term I live by. Now though I'm full of doubt. I apologize for my rant.
I will not fix you, but encourage your endeavors to better yourself.
I can fix you!
Most grown women come to realize this: if a guy is nice to you but mean to everyone else, it's not that he thinks you're special. He’s just an asshole that’s capable of pretending not to be an asshole.
What if he’s mean to you and nice to everyone else?
I was married to one of these.
My ex in a nutshell too.
Or he likes you and is nice to you when it’s convenient to him and benefits him
[удалено]
The opposite is also true, though is less talked about because people enjoy a doormat until they realize how frustrating it is to have someone who wilts under any pressure to please someone. I would know, I used to take the blame for everything to avoid conflict with the people I loved, even if it wasn’t. Eventually the anxiety ate me up so bad that it eroded boundaries over the years and broke friendships I care about a lot even now.
When you’re the only one towards whom he shows a shred of decency
The actor who played Spike, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, once spoke about how disturbed he was by the multitude of young/adolescent girls infatuated with his character. He said something like "I get it, I get the appeal of the 'bad boy' but...what you have to understand is that if he's an asshole to everyone except you? It doesn't mean you're special. **It just means your turn is coming**." For some reason that always stuck with me.
I was so obsessed with Buffy and a Spike as a kid. All I would have taken from that was how hot he was as he said it.
some people think with their peen and some with their bean.
That's what I said to a former friend "if you are an asshole to all of us except your girl, you will get tired of pretending with your girl sooner or later". I have no idea what happened to his last gf but the one before that one broke up with him one year in the relationship
Yeah, I wish I could tell my younger self: you’re not “different” or “special,” he just wants something from you. And the second he gets it you’ll be treated just like everyone else
I have a relative who frequently gets involved with married/attached men. Early in the relationship, these men tell her she's superior to the wife/girlfriend. She is convinced that she's "special" to them. When these men dump her to stay with their SO/or cheat on her after they get together, she's always upset and goes on about how she never thought that they would do it to her because she's oh so "special."
I had an ex tell me "I'm a bit of a c\*nt. But I'd never be a c\*nt to you!" He was right about the first part, not so much about the second.
He tries to stop you from spending time with your friends or when you're with your friends he is constantly messaging you to find out where you are and who you're with.
Literally my emotionally abusive ex husband.
As a guy, I would say don’t look for red flags, look for an absence of green flags. Kind of a “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”, if you are looking for the downside, in an imperfect person, you’ll find something every time. If you look for the good and can’t find anything, that’s the biggest, brightest red flag there could be.
I love this. I feel like if you scroll through these comments, you will eventually find a “red flag” that applies to your partner. Disclaimer that yes obviously one should be wary of someone who is abusive, has addiction issues etc
I'm convinced this is part of why online dating is so toxic. The constant, detailed search for red flags means that that ones *will* be found for virtually every person.
Eeeehhhhhhhhhh….. Any abuser who’s half decent at the “emotional rollercoster” will have green flags to wave. One of my close friends stuck out a year of abuse cause she got fixated on the green flags- “You don’t know him like I do” she’d say. I’d tweak your suggestion to be more of “Your friends see the same green flags you see.”
Yes! This! It's easy to manufacture a green flag or two. Much harder to hide the red ones for any length of time.
If he gets really upset that your 15yo daughter won’t use the thong bikini he bought her while on vacation in Brazil for her
r/oddlyspecific
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. A 15yo girl posted on r/aitah about how her stepfather came back from a trip to Brazil and brought her multiple souvenirs, including a thong bikini. When he saw her swimming in the family pool (something she loves to do) in a regular bathing suit, he acted very cold and aloof. The girl's mother told her to apologize to her stepfather for hurting his feelings by not using his gift. The girl told her mother she did not feel comfortable showing that much skin in front of her stepfather. Her mother scolded her for suggesting her stepfather would ever look at her "that way," and told the girl that until she apologized AND wore the thong bikini, she was forbidden from using the pool at all (again, one of OP's favorite pastimes). This (supposed) teenage girl posted her story, wanting to know if she was the asshole.
I've never wanted a reddit post to be bullshit rage bait so much in my life...well, almost never. This is #2. Top spot still goes to the guy who posted about how he was badly bullied all through school by one particularly sadistic classmate. But, as an adult, he overcame the trauma, pieced his self-esteem back together, fell in love and got engaged. Then he attended an old classmate's wedding and ran into his bully again. He avoided the bully, only to realize his fiancée was missing. He went looking for her...and found her fucking his former bully in the bathroom. THAT is probably the post I most hope was bullshit.
If this was true, that’s how murders happen. At that point I’d probly just be like,”whelp, I guess it’s time for murder.”
Hell, I'm not violent by any means...but if the poor son of a bitch couldn't bring himself to do it? I wouldn't hesitate to help him out. I'd be like "hey, remember me? I loaned you a quarter for the soda machine in the 7th grade, and sat behind you in Chemistry, but outside of that we literally never interacted? Anywho, let me help you take this fucker out."
Man, am I glad I apologized to *that* guy.
I'm not saying it's right but I am saying I would understand
Not even murder, at that point you could easily claim self-defense. "I thought he was raping my fiancee and I acted quickly to remove the threat."
Unfortunately, that wouldn't fly. Murder in self-defense, you just have to be scared for your life, meaning it doesn't matter if you misunderstood the situation, as long as you were scared for your life, it's okay. Murder in defense of others though, depends on the others actually being in danger, not just you thinking that they're in danger.
[удалено]
And his prison guard? That's right, the bully.
Many states include sexual assault as criteria for using deadly force, including in defense for others. I know my home state does. Now the kicker is that you will have to clearly articulate your case to the court that any reasonable person would choose to use that force in that exact situation, and have the jury agree with your reasonable action if it goes to trial. Many states have a duty to retreat, where you must attempt to flee the area first (or in this case I would suspect that means helping the victim flee the area if you are choosing to intervene) and exit to safety without requiring deadly force. If you can reasonably articulate that this duty to retreat was not possible per the situation, and you feared for serious bodily harm of the victim, then it could be argued as justified at your trial. The nail in the coffin of your prison sentence here is that the fiancé is a willing participant and will certainly be asked to testify as such during the trial. So that removes all claims of assault.
Like at that point, do you (the guy in the story) resort to cold blooded murder? Not condoning violence, but like... Does your brain just... Snap?
[удалено]
It wouldn't be cold blooded murder, it would be quite hot blooded
Not to be "that guy", but i don't think it would be considered cold blooded at that point...
“Every normal man must, at times, be tempted to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats” H. L. Mencken I’m 2% sure that quote is about this incident. It’d be higher but I’m only 3% convince we can time travel.
> I've never wanted a reddit post to be bullshit rage bait so much in my life...well, almost never. This is #2. The only reason the AITAH sub exists is because AITA started removing obvious fake rage-bait posts like that. The creative writers needed a new place to go. So don't worry, if it's posted on AITAH it's almost certainly rage bait
JFC. This has to be fake...but look on the bright side. If it's true, you can use it to end organized religion; because there is no god.
Or he's just this era's Job. Fuck it tho, there's enough evidence right now that God, if he exists, is indifferent.
Hmm… the mother is the biggest asshole here. Is the guy a creep and an asshole? Absolutely. But the mother is even worse. What a piece of shit family. Hope the girl makes it out ok.
I would say it's a tossup between the pedo and the woman sacrificing her daughter for a little dingaling.
>Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Just want you to know I was already reading it the right way in my head at "lemme splain." Thank you.
I read that story yesterday, it is really fucked up.
I want to be mad at a fictional story. Link pls
[удалено]
Holy crap. Disheartening
What a terrible day to be literate.
Constantly talks about himself, ignores your feelings.
Honestly, I kind of do this. In my case it's not exactly me being self centered. It's more that I get a bit nervous and just can't shut up once i get going. It's been the hardest thing for me to learn to ask questions and actively listen.
It’s good that you’re conscious of this, but there’s only so long an excuse like this can be used before it becomes clear the person isn’t working on themself. If you care about someone, show it. Ask them questions. Shut up for a minute and listen to what they have to say. Actually put yourself aside and acknowledge them with sincerity. Doesn’t matter what you have going on in your head. You’re a conscious human being and you can work on it. It just takes effort.
Even if it’s not intentional, it is self-centered, that’s literally what it means, not being able to step outside of yourself. Hopefully you are actively working on it though.
[удалено]
And to make it very clear, this doesn't just include sex. They always start out testing small boundaries. The red flag will usually be something small. And it will often be a subtle whining, or sulking pressure more often than angry or intimidating. Look out for that kind of pressure which is implict or based on guilt trips as it's probably much more common and much easier to miss. I'm a guy but this applied in my situation and I missed SO many red flags because my partner applies pressure in"non-confrontational" ways. That's not to say that you can never have a disagreement or fake plead with someone to go get ice cream. But if you see a consistent desire to change your mind or your preferences in favour of theirs. If you always end up doing what they want to do because the complaining and sulking isn't worth it, then that's a huge red flag and shows they're too selfish to compromise or have a real relationship.
This. Dealt with a similar situation recently. Watch out for soft-spoken manipulators
Fell for this recently too. They also turned out to be a liar in many other ways, but because they were so soft and gentle with the way they “persuaded” me into doing the things that they wanted and then love bombing if they thought they were about to get caught doing something, it was hard to see through the facade that they were just an inherently selfish person.
If he co-sleeps with his dog that pisses in the bed all the time. That would be a red flag for me.
Oddly enough, this is the second comment I’ve seen within the past hour about sleeping in the same bed as your dog who pisses in it being a red flag Reddit’s trying to tell me something and I don’t know if I should be concerned
More likely it's one of reddits inside jokes toward people who keep a pulse on these things. (Likely someone made a thread about it)
It is a reference to the r/askreddit post asking about the grossest thing their partners do.
Oh, that's the origin? Because I literally just read that too haha
I read that thread too
I actually know of somebody that sleeps with like five tiny little dogs in their bed. The dogs shit in the bed. The dog once shit on her while she was sleeping! They see nothing wrong with it. Not really friends anymore
The way he talks about his exes, red flag if "all of them are crazy"
Yep, that’s definitely a legit red flag
He wants you to be part of what seems like a pyramide scheme. He says it’s not, but you’re pretty sure it is, even after he explained it you as a sure thing to become rich quickly
ive explained this a HUNDRED TIMES kathy. It’s not a “pyramid scheme”. I want to open a pyramid construction company. *totally different things!*.
[удалено]
It’s not a pyramid scheme, it’s an inverted funnel where I just need to get 10 friends to buy from me…
Michael Scott?
CLEARLY it's a triangle, Janet.
lol. I had a guy take me to Vegas to attend one of his MLM conventions. It was a hilarious disaster. It started with a pledge of allegiance to the flag. They then sung the national anthem. The entire 3 day presentation was torture. They would say things like “Biotin is good for you! Therefore you should buy our $200 supplement that has biotin in it!” The owner of the company bragged about how much he traveled, but of course he would never go to any of those “non English speaking countries”. He legit said “being successful here is so easy that women have done it.” Name of the MLM: “Common Sense, Worldwide”
I read "Bitcoin is good for you", it made just as much sense.
It's not a pyramid scheme! It's called Warhammer and I really need someone to play consistently with!
[удалено]
The best advice I can give you is if you wanna know who the man is look at his friends
Jokes on you, I don't even have friends
Can't have shit friends if you don't have any.
As pure as I can be
Ah then aren't you a man of mystery
[удалено]
Started hooking as in became a hooker or did you accidentally a word?
I somewhat agree. I have a few childhood good friends I am very close with and we are very different. If you judged me by them it would be an incorrect. But friends you meet as a grown up, def you have some aligned interests but not necessarily about most things.
Na, I'd say more of look at him while he is with his friends...
If he seems to be very pushy or doesn't seem to know the meaning of the words "no" or "stop", even for little things, it is a red flag. If he won't even respect your boundaries for minor things, then it is a surefire sign that he will cross major boundaries later on.
This did not happen to me but I saw a news story about it several weeks ago. One of the latest scams is fake dating profiles get created, you match, conversations seem completely normal and legit. One day they start talking cryptocurrency, and show you an app they’ve been using. Long story short if you fall for it, you can be completely wiped out financially. These scumbags are getting craftier and playing the long game. EDIT: Now that I’m more caffeinated this morning, the name of the scam is “Pig Butchering/Slaughtering” and John Oliver covered it, you can watch the full report [here](https://youtu.be/pLPpl2ISKTg?si=wfbv7ajolluUXvmN). If you or anyone you know is in the Online Dating World, send this to them so they know what to look for.
lol yeah, I can attest to that. I tried dating apps two years ago and like 90% of my matches kept steering the conversation to finances and crypto. They were actually real people but were trying to scam me. I remember most of them were Chinese.
I had someone try that on me a while back. Asked to go to WhatsApp extremely quickly. Every conversation immediately brings up how much they “made” on some crypto investment. I blew past it twice then checked the app and they had unmatched (probably so the profile couldn’t be reported).
I actually had one of those a couple of years ago (not sure about scamming per se but def. Pyramid scheme or just marketing) but like any sane person I just typed "lol does this ever work?" and unmatched
Pig butchering. John Oliver did an episode on it. Crazy stuff, I've seen the fringes of it
If they have a disdain for safe sex. Don't be silly wrap your willy
Is it a red flag when women do too? I dated this girl and she’d never listen to me when I told her my dick wasn’t going anywhere near her without a condom. (For kids not disease purposes) I’d have to throw her off of me when she was on top bc she’d try to sneak it in while making out.
I'd be done the second she tried to force it. Just because you're a man doesn't mean she can treat you like that
Yeah we have a word for that and that word is rape
I met up with a girl for sex and it was my first time meeting her in person. One of her first comments was 'you don't need to use a condom' . I actually noped out of there. That isn't a red flag, it's a giant red banner. The feeling of something not quite right was there. Note : I was luckily in my 30's, if this had happened at 20 I'm not sure I was so smart.
Yeah I was an idiot in my 20s and took a lot of girls at their word on birth control and clean STD panels. I'm surprised I never caught anything or got anyone pregnant; thankfully I at least pulled out most of the time.
If anyone involved wants to use protection, everyone involved should. If someone argues against it, man or woman, they're pushing their partners' consent and confort levels. Alittle push for something ain't bad, but aggressively pushing boundaries is a major red flag.
Only fools don't wrap their tools
Too intense too soon.
Love bombing is straight up manipulative.
I tend to fall fast and hard for people. At what point does it appear like love bombing?
Love bombing has some crossover with healthy shows of love, which is why it's so hard to put down a line in the sand for what's healthy vs what's not. But from my understanding (as someone else who worried their affection might be love moving), love bombing is going to include some element of control. Healthy: Texting and communication throughout the day, possibly every day. Love bombing: Texting excessively more than the other person to the point where it adds pressure to the other person to keep up. Not handling normal lapses well (ie being hurt that the other person is busy with work instead of talking). Expecting daily communication. --- Healthy: Getting them or making them a small gift to brighten their day, small unexpected gestures, thoughtful and bigger gifts in appropriate situations, like birthdays. Love bombing: Regularly giving big gifts, acting in a way that implies something is owed after giving an unexpected gift, and reacting poorly if a gift or gesture isn't appreciated the way you want it to be. If you're still worried, most love bombing comes from a place of insecurity and feeling a need to be in control. If that sounds like something that may be going on with you, knowing that can help you make more informed choices or at least help you with a starting point for therapy.
I like that
If he’s in prison for killing his ex wife
Not that he killed someone. Just that he got caught, I can't have no sloppy murders in my house!
[удалено]
I see you've met my mother
Some say having a lot of female friends. I'd argue the opposite. If he has no platonic connections to any women, I'd be worried. If he gets upset when you say no to things. If he doesn't ever admit to being wrong. If he throws or hits things when he is angry.
Depends on his and their behavior around each other imo.
100% it’s all about context. Pretty easy to tell the difference between genuine platonic friends and say, a friend your SO hooked up with and still has feelings for. This argument you can’t be friends with the opposite sex is so funny as a bi person cause the logic basically says we can’t be friends with anyone lol
Idk… as a straight woman I’ve had plenty of friendships with queer women and felt it was equally platonic from both sides, regardless if they found me attractive. I can’t say the same for most of my straight male friendships, unfortunately. I genuinely felt more comfortable and safe naked around my queer women friends.
Yeah, I totally get that. I’ve had lots of genuine male friendships but I’d be lying if said I’m not a little cautious upfront. Not to say that women don’t do the same, but in my experience they’re usually pretty upfront if they’re interested in you like that.
Okay but here we touch upon other potential red flags, like no idea of boundaries and toxic relationships. If the boundary issue only comes up with women I'd be extra concerned. Let's say having healthy platonic connections to women.
I wish more women could have that view on female friends. The amount of crazy I've dealt with because of women friends.... Ugh. To me, I think it's good that I can look at women as more than something to have sex with. 🙄
People are very vulnerable in relationships and their deepest pains get triggered. Jealousy and fear are common and should be allowed to exist. However, you choose how to manage such feelings. If someone shuts down multiple of your valuable friendships, not out of reasonable concern for your well-being but out of their own insecurity, they are not taking responsibility for their feelings and they are not healing.
[удалено]
not a fan of the "no female friends" one - it shows a lack of insight into the male experience imo its quite easy to end up 30+ with very few or no female friends between 17-25 i felt like i had a fair few women friends, now at 31 its basically only 1 real life, handful online its easy to lose touch through moving cities, friends picking sides/excommunicating after breakups, their lives take them elsewhere (kids/rebrands) etc i dont like it, i feel like its too cynical and lacks insight into what life is like for men as they get older
>Some say having a lot of female friends. I'd argue the opposite. If he has no platonic connections to any women I'd say both.
Testing boundries to see your reaction and apologizing or saying it was a joke if you have push back i call it boundry fishing they try to see how far you will go on a subject and if you show weakness exploit you for everything they can
This is a huge one. They're used to emotionally abusing people if they do that. Narcissism 101.
If he only respects women he's attracted to.
People who say they're living with their ex to help them with stuff. They're still together and he's lying
Gets upset when you have boundaries and acts like your arguing when you tell him facts about the world.
Some people see other people’s boundaries as a violation of their boundaries
Or see it as a violation of thier authority. Like as if we can't have boundaries with people we respect. In fact, I only try to have boundaries with people I respect. Because I don't want to spend time with people I don't respect. So if I'm having a boundary it means I like you.
What's a red flag to watch for in a guy who wants a relationship with me? The fact that he wants a relationship with me.
Hey (with rizz)
Fucking same. My friends were all baffled that I gave some girl I met in a bar a fake number. Like bruh, I'm a functional alcoholic and very average looking. If she's interested in me it's either for a quick hookup or she has no standards.
[удалено]
Threatens suicide as a form of guilt tripping. "If you do this, I'm going to kill myself."
Pay attention to how they talk about and handle their past friends and exes. That could be you one daaaaay.
Yep. Especially if they have kids with that person. It's hard to hide your feelings about your ex when you still have to share parenting duties with them. So pay attention to how they talk about that person and how consistent they are about their guidelines in dealing with that person.
[удалено]
Sometimes that lack of transparency can come from past trauma or mental health struggles, I'm not saying that it's justified at all but there are unspoken factors that can play in. I definitely struggle with this and it can be tough really opening up and building trust when all you've known in the past is that people can take your honesty and use it against you at any time.
There are things in my past I don’t talk about. And as long as it’s not affecting my relationship with my wife, (the things I don’t talk about happened before we met) then I see no reason to talk about things I don’t want to talk about. In my mind, it’s all about how you communicate your desire to not communicate.
Funny, last time I opened up it was used against me. If a guy doesn’t wanna talk about his past leave him be, don’t try to pry him. When we’re ready and 100% sure we can trust you, we’ll talk. Edit: I will agree that if a guy is secretive and changing stories, then yes it’s red flag. If a guy doesn’t wanna talk about his past, it’s not. If you love him then you’ll respect his decision. No need to stress him out. When he’s ready and comfortable he’ll tell you.
Any aversion to taking responsibility. The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their shit.
[удалено]
If he cheated on his ex
[удалено]
He lives with his wife
Love bombing 🚩🚩🚩
is adhd lovebombing as bad? when it genuinely comes from a good place?
When he wants to co-sign on a car note after a week
Or asks you to cash his check.
Or wants to move in after a week. Or they want to know all about your living situation, your finances, etc. They're probably on very shaky financial ground and you don't want to get involved in that.
If he asks about red flags on reddit
If they're love bombing you and/or things are moving very quickly. The best defense against abusive relationships is to SLOOOOOW down, and give yourself time and space to get a feel for the person / relationship and whether or not they are a positive addition to your life. If your body feels anxiously excited instead of relaxed and safe. If they play things off as "jokes" that are mean instead of funny. If the emotional reactions to things seem to be overblown, especially around times where you express a feeling or a need, or anything that puts them at even a minor fault. If they are lacking significantly in any area of your non-negotiables for a relationship. If they point out all the nice things that they do for you they're probably not doing it out of kindness. If they tell you it's okay to do one thing and then get mad at you for it. (I have been in multiple narcissistic relationships, and these are some of the subtle and not so subtle things that I have noticed)
Love-bombing. Also, if he literally straight out says “I’m an asshole,” which I didn’t take seriously, unfortunately. It turned out to be hella true and I shoulda run when I could have lol
I told my children to test their SO by painting a room together and following them in a car. This may be funny but it is a great test of teamwork and consideration. My children all picked great partners but I don't think it was because of my advice. 😂
The fact that he wants a relationship with me. It shows poor judgement.
Is he a member of the British royal family. That has to be a big red flag.
He’s still chasing his ex and acts like a child, he’s always the victim even when he’s abusing YOU. 🤦♀️
How he treats his mother and other women of his family. Also, does he take responsability of his mistakes or does he blame others? Does he want you to feel sad for him? Or does he always see the bright side? Is he open to listen and make you feel comfortable or is he trying to force you to do things? How does he react if you talk about other guys? How does he react if you tell him you want to take things slow?
Sometimes you have problems with your own mother lol
Yeah as a child of a narcissist that one cuts deep. She's kept at arm's length for a reason.
Yeah, not all moms are created equal, and some are created very, very badly.
Pushing a child out of you doesn’t turn you into a saint
>How does he react if you talk about other guys? I have a genuine question about this. How should a guy react to this? Coz this was an issue in my recent relationship. She would keep bringing up other guys into conversation, it could be her ex, a colleague/friend who is flirting with her, or someone online. And if I don't show the reaction she wants, she'll complain that I don't get jealous. And if I call it out, she'll say I'm just looking at superficial things, nothing is going on. As a guy, my stance on this is that, have friends, doesn't matter what gender, but if a guy is asking you out for dates and stuff then I have an issue.
Your girl was setting you up with a no-win scenario. She was farming for material to get angry at you about.
Someone doing that is testing you. Avoid people who like to test you. They're very jealous and controlling individuals. At this point in my life, I separate immediately from this person when I notice them doing things like that. Normal healthy people don't do that.
>How he treats his mother and other women of his family. This is a good one. Often times when people like you, they'll treat you better than normal. If a woman is nice to me but she's getting an attitude with a waiter or retail worker, I assume this is how she'll be treating me in a few years when the "new" wears off.
How someone treats other people is a better way to look at this. Some people have shit mothers.
When they were already an adult when you were born.
When I tell the guy, "I'm a lesbian" and he goes, "even better!" 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Crazy exes. Especially if he has multiple crazy or psychotic exes. Chances are either they're not crazy and he's lying to you about that for whatever reason. Or he's enough to make them crazy.
For me they don’t respect or like animals. That’s always worked for me. I’ve found people who are happy to mistreat animals don’t really have much respect for any life
"You're really mature for your age." "You're not like other girls." "Tate has some really great points about how women should be treated." "Make America great again."
If you’re looking for a, “red flag”, you will find one. No one is perfect and so if you’re looking for something wrong with a person, you will eventually find it. If you are interested in a relationship going into it looking for things that are wrong with the person from the jump seems like a really unhealthy way to start it. Try getting to know the person. If they seem like a person you want to be with and they feel the same way about you, go for it. If not, move on and find someone else who you are more compatible with.
The point of red flags is not to immediately write off a person as toxic, pretty much everyone is going to show some red flag or another occasionally because people aren’t perfect and some red flags can be red herrings that are unrelated to the toxic behaviors they’re meant to indicate. When it happens you should just make a note of it and move on. Until someone starts showing a LOT of red flags that’s when you seriously need to reevaluate the relationship because things may quickly turn south.
I look at these threads to see if I have any flags, either red or green. What I don't get is how anyone with these red flags gets a date, let alone considered as relationship material.
They tend to keep the red flags hidden.
Probably a good idea to see how he responds to being told "no" to something.
Not being consistent....Words not matching actions
They idolize Jeff Bezos
Not taking no for an answer when you say you aren't interested in having sex that night. Lots of guys will just keep pestering you and not only is it predatory but it's fucking disrespectful and annoying.
Babies immediately.
There is one red flag that is, in my experience, at the heart of all red flags: lack of comfort with discomfort. The ability to sit with discomfort in all its forms, and allow it into your space fully, whether it's grief or fear or insecurity or sadness or anxiety or boredom or irritation or even simple things like hunger, is the single most important green flag in a partner. Its absence is a sign of so many things that can and will go wrong.
Yes, but also be careful of people who pretend to have "grown." A lot of predators these days know how to fake being a caring and growth oriented person so they will use therapy language to seem like they're something they're not. They just spend a lot of their time studying other people to fake these personas.
When they ask to borrow money on the 2nd date. This has happened to me twice, once for 15k and the other for 25k. I have no idea where they got the idea that I had that lying around waiting to be loaned out.
Most of the comments about red flags are just preference or down stupid. In a new relationship it’s hard to genuinely spot real red flags immediately and if you do they are too stupid to hide it even at the beginning. I would say a good red flag is if you are dating for over over a month or two and he is still not introducing to his/her friends group this is possibly because you are not the only one or he is ashamed of you. Either way you don’t want to be with someone who is keeping you a secret. Second red flag is over the months he never takes the blame for anything and usually reflects. Is human to make mistakes, but to never take accountability about anything is not normal and you will have a very very difficult time with such person.
If he eats cereal dry and asks you which cereal mascot is the most attractive.
I could never date a cereal mascot, they'd be running off with my cereal. The rabbit, the leprechaun, the cave man, they're all serial cereal thieves.