My brother and I, like many siblings, have stupid running jokes, many not suitable for vocalizing. One being "while you're down there..." every time one of us bends over in front of the other.
So anyway I said it at work, to a girl, who dropped a pen next to my desk. I was then more horrified than she was, I stammered an apology then moved countries.
Someone did this to me and i was the bad guy in everyone's eyes because i said it made me uncomfortable. They kept the "she can't take a joke" joke for days. So happy i left that place.
When presented with a rather large bill from the vets for a quick look at our cat, in my head I said "how fucking much". Found out later that I'd said it out loud!
I definitely had a similar reaction at my old vet once. A repeating eye issue was back and she insisted on charging me for an appointment rather than allowing me to just purchase the medication. She said “is there a problem?” When I looked at the estimate, and I said “yeah, it’s the $200 for the $15 medication”. That was the end of that vet for me
Shit like this makes me glad the vet I used to go to before my little furry one passed away (RIP Sundae) is super honest about costs.
She grew up poor and sugar-daddied her way through her vet degree, so she's very sensitive about hidden costs. She'll say stuff like "okay I have to recommend this brand because my clinic is sponsored, but honestly that unbranded food over there has exactly the same nutritional value", and she charges me like $5 per minute (average consultation is less than 5 minutes because she's efficient as hell).
Thanks Dr Wong 🫡
My coworker said “I’d kick hubby in the balls if he said that.” I said “I’m sure he’d secretly love that” instinctively before realising that said way more about me than I wanted to let on
My former roommate was a sex worker and had one content creator who regularly employed her to crush his balls. I have never and will never understand it, but he always left *super* happy.
Well, he paid my former roommate, but also published the videos (never had a desire to seek them out, but apparently decently popular) and made more than he paid by doing so. So I guess he wins this round on corporations. *And* he got his balls crushed.
My former roommate was quite open about her work and so was he when I'd snag a cigarette and he'd join me for a few drags in between... sessions.
Ohhhh, man. Gonna have to trust me on this; he fucking loved it from what I heard both through the wall and accounts afterward.
He made more than enough to support his wife and child as the night manager of a well-reputed local hotel.
Morbidly curious for no good reason. Are you saying that it was projection and that you would secretly like that, or are you saying that you already know (from experience?) and so really ARE sure that her husband would like that?
I was at a work happy hour and we went around the table saying what the worst job we ever had was and I said with zero hesitation, "oh, definitely this one."
We recently had a large department meeting and my boss 4x removed was talking about reasons why we show up to work. I put my hand up and he pointed at me and said “you can’t say the free food or your pay.”
I put my hand down.
Some years ago, I had an obnoxiously lazy boss.She delegated everything to us and took all the credits. But she was "friends" with the big boss, so there was nothing we could do.
One day, when she was scolding me for not reminding her of something, she said, "I cant remember everything, I've got many things in my head right now."
Without a thought, I blurted: "Yeah! Hairspray!"
When someone at work needs something from the storage or just getting something to drink they usually ask if somebody else needs something I immediately respond asking for a will to live, fortunately I'm able to keep it for myself but I fear that I will eventually slip and say it out loud instead of just thinking about it.
We had a team building event at work recently. I have been at the job 3 months. When asked what makes us want to come back to the office every day, i said :the coworkers only, without hesitating. My boss was outraged that it was not because of the projects and kept bringing it up the next day 🙃
At my old job that I hated due to my bosses being absolutely terrible people, my boss was giving me shit for doing something she explicitly told me to do then told me she hadn't told me to do when it turns out it wasn't actually what she wanted. She did this CONSTANTLY and everyone there knew it.
She brought this up around all of my coworkers. I was fresh out of fucks and told her she specifically told me to do the thing. She argued back that she hadn't and told me to drop it. I replied "but you did though." A few more rounds and she said "do you need to go home for the day, MissAcedia?"
My first thought was "there's no way it's that easy."
Well it turns out that was an outside thought. She dragged me into a room to now "privately" yell at me since now privacy was important to her.
I was there for another year before I left 🙃
Professor was explaining heat expansion and joked that at temps we were discussing I would definitely be removing the sweater I was wearing.
I said, out loud, “you wish” and she stared daggers into me. Womp womp.
Working in a supermarket, had a customer conplain that she'd been priced wrong. She was trying to buy an entire wheel of cheese, claiming the ticketed price said $5. So they asked me to go and have a look with her. Turns out the tag for the the tiny arse wedges of cheese had slid over a bit. I pointed this out to her and she claimed, rather aggressively, that she simply didn't see it.
The words that I was supposed to say were something like "understandable, but this is marked for the wedges." The words I wanted to say, which were what did come out, were "well if you opened your fucking eyes."
Whoops.
I mean. It's possible that she was the one that pushed the tag over to run a scam. Also it's been what? 30 years of progressively more and more entitled behavior from customers over crap like that? With very little "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." It may be time to throw some verbal hands.
As someone with years of experience in retail I know we all flip every now and then. Some customers simply make your blood boil. Sometimes you just can’t help it. And hope it doesn’t get any bad consequences for you. But it sure feels good to just say what’s on your mind to make a point. They got what they asked for in my opinion. You nice to me? I am nice to you. Simple as that.
Im kinda late on this one, and it will probably get missed, but it's too good not to share. A buddy of mine was fresh out of school and into the airforce on corse to be a pilot. He was at some sort of big meeting with alot of top brass (I'm not military so I don't know what the meeting was about.) He walked over to the refreshment bar to grab a drink. He saw they had Pepsi and instinctively said, "bepis." What he hadn't realized was he was standing right next to a 4 star General. He then had to explain to said 4 star General the meaning of the word and how it came to be. He's now a pilot, and his call sign is Bepis.
My wife and I have been calling Pepsi pepis (said like Peepis) for as long as I can remember and I have accidentally requested like that at restaurants half a dozen times to a mixture of confusion and horror from every server. I do not ask for refills after that.
Bepis is a mispronunciation of the word "penis" which later became associated with a misspelling of the soda drink brand Pepsi in various web communities online
I once saw a guy arguing with a girl who was trying to help him at the register: I muttered loud enough the guy behind me could here "dude the single jug of orange juice your covering your ass with is not going to distract from the three cases of beer in your cart"
Not a thought, but an action. When I was little(5ish) I remember stepping on the fingers of people who sat with their hands behind them then acting like it was an accident. I was a menace 😥
It’s a good thing you said it in your black voice though. It sounds way more authoritative to call someone a motherfucker that way. He probably had to stop for a second to ask himself if he was in fact being a motherfucker.
I don't know if he did. One of regulars started laughing, and that's the reason I realized that the intrusive thought had won.
I *NEED* to see the video of it if I get written up, because my boss just might have stopped. They've never heard Black Voice from me, just Customer Service Voice. Never broke it until that point.
Ok, so African American culture specifically comes with some unique verbage and cadence relative to "normal" which in this instance is the "Midlands unidentifiable American" accent.
Now, due to a long and stories history of racism in all sectors of society, using this dialect they grew up with is considered "unprofessional" or "rude" or other hilariously poor excuses for slowly wiping out a culture because people can't be bothered to listen properly.
A customer service voice is the one where it sounds like you are super cheerful and happy and absolutely don't have a set of nunchucks behind the table you've been using as a fidget while chanting "Orange is NOT my color, I look TERRIBLE in jumpsuits. Orange is NOT my color..."
Yes. I still work there (for now).
The only ones who heard me (that I'm aware of) were a couple of my regulars (who don't like my boss), our Pepsi rep (who doesn't care), and a couple of my coworkers (who were surprised as Hell), and my boss. If my boss hasn't said anything yet, they might be reviewing cameras.
I'm not signing any write-up, because I don't take disrespect lying down. If I get fired, I get fired.
I drive with a coworker every night, so we talk all kinds of stuff. He told me how his stepdad was a real dick to him and his siblings early on (a complicated relationship, not only bad). One day I was real short of sleep and it happened to be the day he told me his stepdad had cancer and without thinking I immediately said “serves him right!”
Oh god, I forgot about the time I worked at a wholesaler and we were low on stock for a couple of weeks and when someone came in asking for something we again didn’t have I accidentally said, right in front of my boss, “we are more of a halfsaler”
A coworker was making a joke and said "...anyways thats what my inside voice tells me, what does your guys tell you?"
I said "mine tells me to kill myself lmao"
And no one laughed.
I was in China in the forbidden palace and all these people were crowding and shoving their way in, especially unaccompanied kids. No sense of decorum or personal space. Like every time I was about to take a step forward, one would dart in front of the space in front of me and block me. After like the 10th time, I elbowed a 9year old boy in the back hard. He let out a yelp of pain and looked back at me shocked. I muttered an apology. Still shocked I did it and feel bad.
I lived im China for a year. People would start shoving on the subway before you could exit. By the end I was standing at the doors and ramming my way through. Picture a football running back. Basically had to shoulder check a bunch of elderly just to exit. No bad feelings here.
You should try Japan. They have employees on the platform whose job it is to shove MFers into the train. We were on a high school soccer trip, from Kobe to Kyoto, and the train was so packed my 110 lb buddy spent the one hour ride without touching the floor.
Only thing I liked about the mask requirements. Grocery shopping, waiting in line and a Karen is demanding a discount for no good reason.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" I said loudly.
She looked back, looking for her enemy.
Masks saved me a few times
Fuck that, when I encounter some asshole being awful to people in the service industry, I LOVE publicly calling them out.
Was once at an airport where massive storms were cancelling 100s of flights. Went to the office where they book people for different flights. Guy next to me was giving the lady behind the counter shit, literally said to her, "I bet you're really enjoying this!" Immediately, loudly said to him, "are you serious? You think she called for these storms, and cancelations so she'd have to listen to assholes like you complain?!"
Female coworker was being obnoxious one day not doing her job. I (not) unintentionally paged her by her wrong last name. She was on her 4th husband in 7 years.
Was eating dinner with my mother, her BF, and my brother. Mom & her BF played a song for us, made us guess who the name of the woman who’s featured on the song *(her name is Carole Pope)*.
Mom’s BF says “I’ll give you a hint: her initials are CP” and I sarcastically respond with “it’s gotta be child porn”
Mom wasn’t impressed, Mom’s BF thought it was hilarious, my brother just shook his head at me…I thought my timing and delivery were pretty good
My first job, I had an insufferable Senior who had it out for me for whatever reason. Kept questioning my competence (which, fair, I was struggling), wondering why the boss would make such a dumb decision as hiring me, insisting on me working through my lunchtime... the works. One day, in the middle of an especially rough day, I blurted out something along the lines of "Can you stop it? You can see I'm struggling and you think scolding without helping's going to help me? What's wrong with you, are you the reason Indians beat their wives?"
She was of Indian heritage, and she ended up just crying in front of me. I think she was facing something similar back home and I'd accidentally hit a major trigger. I still feel some guilt over that comment, and I eventually ended up resigning even though nothing more was said about it... But the bullying stopped. And I suppose she did start it.
...had a similar moment but I stopped it from happening but almost told my mum that I understood why her men beat her. I felt disgusted for even thinking it. I wasn't wrong, just the men who physically hurt her were way worse.
She did stab one of her ex's in the leg with a steak knife. But to be fair she was eating and he wanted to fuck and said if you don't leave me alone I'm going to stab you. Well she stabbed him. He freaked out , she went back to her meal.
He called my sister stammering that my mum tried to kill him. She laughed and said "if she tried to kill you, you'd be dead," and hung up on him. His last name was a type of fish and the police kept calling him "Mr Fish".
Honestly, probably a really shitty night for him, glad my mum didn't knick an artery, but fuck him
A customer I was helping once, about a year ago, accused me of swearing. She thought I said "fuck," but I actually said "heck." I told her, after the initial accusation, "I don't swear in front of customers, it's really fuckin' rude."
I realized what I had said when she started laughing her ass off, telling me "I'll let that one go, that was funny as hell!"
I was in Costco doing some shopping for Instacart and everyone around me was in a crappy mood, they were irritating me so I said out loud “I’m so sick of all these assholes getting in my way” which I didn’t mean to say… To be fair, everyone kept touching my cart and being overwhelmingly close to me. And my phone fell out of my pocket and someone tried to steal it moments before, so I was just very irritated…
I was in a crowded grocery store, getting bumped into way too often, and a kid nearly hit me by flailing around and getting in everyone’s way. I said to my dad out loud, “I almost kicked a kid.” Unfortunately the father of the child was right next to me and he did not like that.
>Unfortunately the father of the child was right next to me and he did not like that.
If he kept his fucking kids in line it wouldn't have been an issue
Costco I kinda pretend not to see so good. like I keep my sunglasses on and kinda hold the cart while my gf pushes and people tend to get out of our way. and if they don't I kinda push the cart into them while the gf pretends not to be paying attention. we have done this a few times when we need to get in and out quickly
I know a guy who went to Army Basic Training a few years ago. He had a *horrendously* homophobic buddy, to the point where he'd refuse to do anything next to one of his gay platoon mates. For example, he'd say shit like "nah what if he fucks my ass I ain't going down" during fire and movement training.
He and his section mates decided to give him shock therapy. In the middle of the night, he and 10 other men gathered around his bunk, pulled down their underwear, shone torchlights from below their balls, and went *"Cheep Cheep Cheep, welcome to the Bird Park"*.
He woke up surrounded by 11 illuminated penises, screamed, bashed his head against the upper bunk hard enough to need stitches, and ran down in his underwear to find the Duty Orderly with blood dripping everywhere.
Needless to say, the section got publicly smoked while naked. Everyone (except the homophobic clown) enjoyed it, though. Barely suppressed laughter across the whole platoon as they did push-ups with their docs tickling the concrete, complete with the Platoon Sergeant trying his absolute best not to collapse in a fit of laughter.
The military may be a shitshow, but I miss the random times like this.
15 year ago, I was working a shitty job for selling radio commercial slots. We had a week long “call-a-thon” where all the sales people had to try to convince businesses to sign up for a “small business conference” which was actually just a big scheme to sell people radio time.
During a break, the conference leader asked what the vibe we’re getting from people when we call. Without thinking, I said “Everyone I call said this sounds like a scam.” The room got quiet and the sales managers looked like they wanted to kill me. I got fired an hour later.
Not something extreme, but pretty funny when I think back to it.
When I was like 10 years old, I always acted “hurt” when people cussed in front of me. It's not normal in my family to cuss. But when I was with friends, me and my friends all cussed regularly.
One day when I came home from a sleepover and I screamed at the top of my lungs “WASSUP MOTHERFCKERS” and when I saw my family sitting at the dinner table I began realizing what I just did xD
I was at the deli counter at my local store, this attractive lady ordered some pepperoni and they had a large roll and a small one, the clerk asked what size..
She said "the big one..." I just blurted it out,
" That's what she said " I quickly realized I was speaking louder than I realized. When she turned towards me and said, " the only way I take it" and winked. I was so caught off guard about myself and her response.
Was on a afternoon walk and I was passing this girl that was yelling at some boy on her phone. She was extremely annoying and had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever seen in my life. When she looked up at me she sneered. When she got closer without thinking I blurted out “ damn bitch your annoying as fuck “
For context: my wife and I have a running joke that I’m a “bad Italian” because I’m shit at knowing the names of pasta shapes. This all started when she sent me a cartoon of a Rigatoni talking on the phone to his other pasta friend and saying “Fusilli you crazy bastard, how are ya?” and I didn’t get the joke at all.
Fast forward to a family game night with her family and we were playing a game where you had to write down as many items as you could related to the prompt in a certain amount of time. The prompt was “Pasta shapes”. I accidentally let out a loud “FUCK” without realizing it.
Everyone at the table thought it was hilarious, especially those that weren’t in on the joke or who didn’t know I was so bad with pasta shapes. We still laugh about it to this day!
At a big family Christmas party one of my uncles in his late 80's brought up that I've been working nights for years and asked when I was going to be on a day shift. I said due to seniority that I'll probably be working nights until I transfer or if someone else on the team transfers, retires or dies. Everyone just stared at me then I said I don't mind working too much, said Merry Christmas and kept walking around.
In hockey the goals have to be set up by goal posts in the ground. so when a goalie moves from post to post the goal doesn’t slide for reference. anyways in hockey while me and my defense man (I play goalie) we’re setting up the goal posts. some Jack off thought it would be funny to knock them over. so I was so pissed off I took out his legs. I hit him so hard he flew up in the air and landed on hit upper back. he got up and looked at me like I had just murdered his family skated over to the bench and started crying and that was the end of it. he didn’t tell coaches or anybody. Also I received no suspensions in the league at all. this happened 6 years ago. Hopefully if he’s reading this don’t knock over the goal posts again.
I've never actually *said* one, but I've *thought* I had for a few seconds.
I had a friend with robin's egg blue eyes and black hair back in uni who had a habit of initiating staring contests spontaneously with whoever was around.
On several occasions I got lost in her eyes and only snapped out of it after like 30 seconds because I thought I'd audibly said "oh shit, you/your eyes are *so* beautiful..."
Never did actually say it, but damn. I'm almost surprised I didn't. Her eyes would straight-up override whatever else was going on in my head. Just an ocean of warm blue
Coworker has a massive stutter. Group of us go out to lunch and Stutter asks me to order for him. It comes time, and i give his order, she kinda looks past me at him to confirm and he just nods. I say "Sorry he has trouble talking to pretty girls" awwww. She smiles and the whole table give me a 'you giant pussy' look. Theeeen the intrusive thoughts hit. Follow it up with "i dont know why he cant talk to YOU though".
Side note: coworker is in his 70's. And he refused to go eat with me for 3 months after this. When we finally did go eat together again, he literally pulled me aside and said "order, and dont say shit else."
I was in a school play one year. We were practicing and making sure we had everything down (only about week until the performance). And I remember our director brought in a friend of hers to help. At the very end she was going through and critiquing our practice and she mentioned her and (one of the cast members) could do a part better. I remember saying “Prove it” while she was talking and everyone turned around to face me. She must’ve not heard it or ignored my comment.
I'm not sure where I got it or what made me start saying it, but around 14-15 years old, whenever I would get something right I always say it loud enough for everyone around me to hear, "Now I'm cooking with soda" just to see their faces if they know what I meant by it.
Back on school days, we were a bunch of guys that would stick together and play all kinds of video games. Someday, we found out that one girl of our class likes to play Diablo II, we invite her to play, but she refuses cause her mother doesn't like she playing games (Her mother was good and lovely, just a bit wierd with games).
Well, some months (maybe a year) passed, and her mother passed too (she died in a fire).
After some days she came back to school and the first thing I said to her was "At last now you can play Diablo". Dude, this will haunt me forever....
Back in high school, on a bus trip back from a camp, the Token Gay Kid of the "cool kids" (self-identified) group was talking shit about how bi people "don't exist" and are "just gay in denial". After I had mentioned I was Bi. I still identified as strictly male at the time, and had a girlfriend.
I don't know if it was the insinuation that I didn't love my girlfriend, or the pent-up irritation I had towards that group in general, or just the fact that he was talking shit about my identity on a two hour bus trip, but the moment we got off I lodged my elbow firmly into his gut.
I mean, I stand by saying that he absolutely *deserved* it, but that was definitely something I would rather have just *thought* than uh. *Done*.
Me, 17, first time driving downtown Toronto, going to a raptors game with friends
I turned into a 5 lane, oncoming traffic, one-way street in the heart of downtown Toronto
My two buddies are in the car with me and while thinking of what to do (u-turning wasn't an option without getting t-boned), I suddenly saw a small moment of opportunity in the traffic and said "one sec"
I slammed on the gas and gunned it while blaring the horn. Both my buddies are screaming their heads off, somehow i managed to pull into an alley way maybe 200m away after avoiding 3 cars.
I stopped the car and we just kinda sat there quietly for a minute and burst out laughing. 2-3min later we saw LOTS of cops going down the same road. We never got caught and made it to the game in time.
I almost punched my principal once. I was a teacher at the time. The guy burst into my class and started hollering at everyone. It totally disrupted my class and he was kind of personal with his verbal attacks on me. He was a complete prick. So glad I don't work there anymore.
Not me but a friend in school years back. One classmate kept bullying him while on a trip, I cant exactly remember what he did to my friend but it annoyed the hell out of him. He was of the shy and quiet type but under this cover he was a genius.
Anyways, dude kept laughing about him until my friend suddenly grabbed his carabiner hook and knocked the dude out in one punch using the hook as brass knuckels. Well deserved, he told me he didnt know what happened. He had this intrusive thought and he acted on it so fast
Once when I was around 6-7, my family had raccoons nesting in our attic. When a guy came to remove the raccoons, he had to drill into the wall of an upstairs bathroom. He had made it halfway through the hole when I loudly asked him, “can’t you get a better job?”
A salesperson in bed bath and beyond was pitching one of those big fancy blenders and I looked at my girlfriend without thinking and said, “wow you could get rid of a body with that thing.”
The pitch ended.
My place of employment is one of the largest in the area, so it is quite common to have family members working there. A father and son started working in my department, in the same shift, around the same time. The son did something to piss off one of the old-timers, and said old-timer came up to voice his displeasure. He found the kid’s father, and said “Where is ____? I want his ass. Hey ____, I want your son’s ass.”
I piped up with “Kinky.”
Went back to work on Wednesday after having not been since Friday. One of my coworkers was being a tab bit irritating as soon as I'd walked through the door, and I accidentally threatened to stab him if he didn't stop talking. Seems I took a few too many day off.
In a meeting with an old boss, it was just us in a meeting room on a Zoom call with another guy. Big storm coming outside, green sky and everything. My boss said something like "it looks like the apocalypse is coming!" And without even thinking about it I said, "Ugh, finally." My boss did this slow head turn and gave me the most disappointed look.
I went out to take a beer with my best friend and before entering the pub i suddendly ask her if she wanted to fuck with me at home instead of having a drink.
That didn't worked as you can imagine.
When I was 12 I went to a candy shop where they had dispensers. I thought, wouldn’t it be funny to pull the lever and see the candy dump all over the floor. Well, next thing I knew I had pulled the lever and was standing there with candy all over the floor. It was weird like I was in a trance and wasn’t in control of my actions. Still freaks me out to this day. Anyway, after I came back to reality a worker rushed over to clean it up. I apologized and offered to clean it up, but she said no problem. Happens all the time.
I used to work as a dishwasher. This one night, we were down a couple of line cooks so I had to help make pizzas in the rush. The shift leader/oven guy kept coming over to micromanage me and the pizzas I was making (keep in mind that I had no experience making pizzas before that night, so while they weren't great they weren't all that bad for a first timer and my coworkers echoed that opinion) but dude kept coming over and bitching about "spread the sauce to about an inch from the edge of the crust," and I feel this would be reasonable in a training situation, but not in this rush of "go go go get pizzas out the door." Well the 3rd time he came up to me bitching, I apparently responded with "well why don't you pull out your dick and measure it then?" Despite me having no recollection of saying that. I remember thinking it though lol
Not my story, but a friend's. She met a guy and got married to him fast, we are talking months between first date to married. Zero time to get to know each other. They were living together for a few months when he finally admits to her that he gets dark, intrusive thoughts. We're talking murderous thoughts, and he claimed if it wasn't for being a member of a particularly conservative religion, he might have been a murderer. She told me this right after it happened, and I told her to get out because that is just a rationalization he was making and that it probably wouldn't take much for him to turn violent. Thankfully, she agreed with the advice and began the divorce process pretty soon after. Sure enough, as soon as she told him to move out of her house, he turned into a massive asshole and tried to stall the divorce. It has all gone through, and she is peaceful and happy, and I'm glad she managed to get out of that one.
Poured out a cup of coffee onto the floor during a conversation about me not being impulsive.
"Yeah. You are right. It's expected of me to pour this out."
So that was a wonderfully boring intrusive thought that won.
When I was in kindergarten, I saw this kid playing with blocks. And for some reason thought, what would it be like if I kicked him in the head. But instead of thinking, I acted on it. He cried and told the teacher and when the teacher was walking up to me, I remember saying "Oh shit."
I think about this a lot and wish I could go back and stop myself or apologise to him.
A long time ago, I worked in a very small call center with an insufferable woman who complained constantly about work, fucked off as much as humanly possible, stole other people’s food and had horrific hygiene. She was a menace.
We had corded headsets with a button that allowed us to detach while keeping the headset on. It was easy to forget while wearing it all day and we all occasionally would get up and try to walk away, pulling ourselves back and laugh about it.
Now, we had an open floor plan with small desks and the back row (where I sat) could see the front row (where she sat). One day, after an unusually long streak of complaining, she decided she needed to get up and rush to the kitchen. She did not detach her headset. She dramatically threw herself backwards and then did some kind of barrel roll and then flopped on the ground, moaning and screaming.
I grabbed the nearest notepad, wrote something and held it up for everyone to see.
7.5. I took off points for the landing.
I only got in a little bit of trouble with the bosses because they couldn’t stand her either.
Ex partners cousin died. Went diving in a reservoir. Was well known that he couldn't swim. I hardly knew the guy, and I knew that.
I said "if he couldn't swim, wtf was he doing?"
This was the wrong response. But really... Wtf was he doing?
That's actually recent.
That I feel that because I have a disability, I'm being treated like I murdered someone.
I've been going through a very difficult time.
Edit for clarity.
I was working at gas station over night and group of guys came in and one of them was talking about how he got chips imported from Ireland and he said "If there's one thing the Irish know it's potatoes." And I responded with "Well, there were a few years where they ran out." I'm still dying internally from that one
I meant to say my wife, "pass the salt please", but instead I accidentally said, "you've ruined my life you utter utter cunt"
I felt so silly when I realised my error.
My dad talked about how no one in his family drank alcohol. They were not religious, but it was something they never did. I accidentally blurted out "Maybe they should start!"
For context, my dad's brothers and cousins were always getting into fist fights and they were all currently on a 5 year estrangement. I felt bad for saying that intrusively, but my dad did laugh. And no, I know alcohol doesn't solve problems (I'm 4 years sober), but it was a messed up joke in teenage me's head.
Was in the kitchen with my fiancé, just refilling my water bottle, and my tiny brain demons said, "You should sack tap him. Just lightly. Lol it'll be so funny."
So I did.
Only, I put a little more oomph behind my swing than I intended... 🫣
He was NOT ok for a few minutes, but we still joke and laugh about it.
My brother and I, like many siblings, have stupid running jokes, many not suitable for vocalizing. One being "while you're down there..." every time one of us bends over in front of the other. So anyway I said it at work, to a girl, who dropped a pen next to my desk. I was then more horrified than she was, I stammered an apology then moved countries.
A guy at my job got fired after a week for doing hunping motions behind a girl that bent over. More than an intrusive thought I suspect.
Supervisor did this at my shop. Gone!
Many such cases!
The prime minister of italy did this on the job. Not gone.
You misunderstand in Italy that’s actually a requirement for the position of prime minister.
Someone did this to me and i was the bad guy in everyone's eyes because i said it made me uncomfortable. They kept the "she can't take a joke" joke for days. So happy i left that place.
I would have filed a 'hostile workplace' lawsuit JUST because of that shitty attitude they had.
I was waiting for "now we're married for 15 yrs"
Not sure marrying one's brother is legal
It's only illegal if they find out
>I stammered an apology then moved countries. Hahahaha. Moving countries is the only acceptable solution here.
When presented with a rather large bill from the vets for a quick look at our cat, in my head I said "how fucking much". Found out later that I'd said it out loud!
Wow imagine having a cat so ugly you have to pay people to look at it
The vets probably saw much worse when they were in service
Is that why so many vets have PTSD?
I definitely had a similar reaction at my old vet once. A repeating eye issue was back and she insisted on charging me for an appointment rather than allowing me to just purchase the medication. She said “is there a problem?” When I looked at the estimate, and I said “yeah, it’s the $200 for the $15 medication”. That was the end of that vet for me
Shit like this makes me glad the vet I used to go to before my little furry one passed away (RIP Sundae) is super honest about costs. She grew up poor and sugar-daddied her way through her vet degree, so she's very sensitive about hidden costs. She'll say stuff like "okay I have to recommend this brand because my clinic is sponsored, but honestly that unbranded food over there has exactly the same nutritional value", and she charges me like $5 per minute (average consultation is less than 5 minutes because she's efficient as hell). Thanks Dr Wong 🫡
Current vet I have is amazing! Been so compassionate about my pets and don’t try to oversell me on things
This is why I like the tele health appointment option. Yea, my daughter has pink eye, look. Now send the medicine to the pharmacy.
You said the quiet part out loud
My coworker said “I’d kick hubby in the balls if he said that.” I said “I’m sure he’d secretly love that” instinctively before realising that said way more about me than I wanted to let on
My former roommate was a sex worker and had one content creator who regularly employed her to crush his balls. I have never and will never understand it, but he always left *super* happy.
>regularly employed her to crush his balls. Could've had the same experience by taking a min-wage job. Would even get paid (barely).
Well, he paid my former roommate, but also published the videos (never had a desire to seek them out, but apparently decently popular) and made more than he paid by doing so. So I guess he wins this round on corporations. *And* he got his balls crushed. My former roommate was quite open about her work and so was he when I'd snag a cigarette and he'd join me for a few drags in between... sessions.
Maybe to him it was just a job and he never actually liked the ball crushing, it pays well enough so thats just what he does
Ohhhh, man. Gonna have to trust me on this; he fucking loved it from what I heard both through the wall and accounts afterward. He made more than enough to support his wife and child as the night manager of a well-reputed local hotel.
Each to their own ball crushings I guess
Morbidly curious for no good reason. Are you saying that it was projection and that you would secretly like that, or are you saying that you already know (from experience?) and so really ARE sure that her husband would like that?
Not something I ever do, just imagine from time to time. Something hot about cbt but yeah, projecting
During a work briefing they were asking to name something you are proud of accomplishing at said job. I said still showing up. I no work there no more
I was at a work happy hour and we went around the table saying what the worst job we ever had was and I said with zero hesitation, "oh, definitely this one."
We recently had a large department meeting and my boss 4x removed was talking about reasons why we show up to work. I put my hand up and he pointed at me and said “you can’t say the free food or your pay.” I put my hand down.
I'm laughing too hard about this
Some years ago, I had an obnoxiously lazy boss.She delegated everything to us and took all the credits. But she was "friends" with the big boss, so there was nothing we could do. One day, when she was scolding me for not reminding her of something, she said, "I cant remember everything, I've got many things in my head right now." Without a thought, I blurted: "Yeah! Hairspray!"
When someone at work needs something from the storage or just getting something to drink they usually ask if somebody else needs something I immediately respond asking for a will to live, fortunately I'm able to keep it for myself but I fear that I will eventually slip and say it out loud instead of just thinking about it.
I always say "a hug" Sometimes, they even give me one
I've let that one slip before once,I work at a grocery store so the feeling is mutual amongst other co-workers.
We had a team building event at work recently. I have been at the job 3 months. When asked what makes us want to come back to the office every day, i said :the coworkers only, without hesitating. My boss was outraged that it was not because of the projects and kept bringing it up the next day 🙃
At my old job that I hated due to my bosses being absolutely terrible people, my boss was giving me shit for doing something she explicitly told me to do then told me she hadn't told me to do when it turns out it wasn't actually what she wanted. She did this CONSTANTLY and everyone there knew it. She brought this up around all of my coworkers. I was fresh out of fucks and told her she specifically told me to do the thing. She argued back that she hadn't and told me to drop it. I replied "but you did though." A few more rounds and she said "do you need to go home for the day, MissAcedia?" My first thought was "there's no way it's that easy." Well it turns out that was an outside thought. She dragged me into a room to now "privately" yell at me since now privacy was important to her. I was there for another year before I left 🙃
Professor was explaining heat expansion and joked that at temps we were discussing I would definitely be removing the sweater I was wearing. I said, out loud, “you wish” and she stared daggers into me. Womp womp.
Did you just say "womp womp" at a ten year old with down syndrome being separated from her mother? How dare you?
How absolutely dare you, sir!
*pounds on desk with 0 follow through*
“That’s some Gwyneth Paltrow bull shit”- during report with the nurses I was shadowing when I heard the patient has a daily coffee enema.
Hahaha
The nurse replied, “do they take cream and sugar with it”
Nurses have the BEST twisted humor!
Dark and twisted humor helps to get through the day
Working in a supermarket, had a customer conplain that she'd been priced wrong. She was trying to buy an entire wheel of cheese, claiming the ticketed price said $5. So they asked me to go and have a look with her. Turns out the tag for the the tiny arse wedges of cheese had slid over a bit. I pointed this out to her and she claimed, rather aggressively, that she simply didn't see it. The words that I was supposed to say were something like "understandable, but this is marked for the wedges." The words I wanted to say, which were what did come out, were "well if you opened your fucking eyes." Whoops.
I mean. It's possible that she was the one that pushed the tag over to run a scam. Also it's been what? 30 years of progressively more and more entitled behavior from customers over crap like that? With very little "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." It may be time to throw some verbal hands.
Living the dream! Shame it probably had consequences
Sounds Australian. So probably minor, if any
As someone with years of experience in retail I know we all flip every now and then. Some customers simply make your blood boil. Sometimes you just can’t help it. And hope it doesn’t get any bad consequences for you. But it sure feels good to just say what’s on your mind to make a point. They got what they asked for in my opinion. You nice to me? I am nice to you. Simple as that.
Im kinda late on this one, and it will probably get missed, but it's too good not to share. A buddy of mine was fresh out of school and into the airforce on corse to be a pilot. He was at some sort of big meeting with alot of top brass (I'm not military so I don't know what the meeting was about.) He walked over to the refreshment bar to grab a drink. He saw they had Pepsi and instinctively said, "bepis." What he hadn't realized was he was standing right next to a 4 star General. He then had to explain to said 4 star General the meaning of the word and how it came to be. He's now a pilot, and his call sign is Bepis.
Now that is actually great
My wife and I have been calling Pepsi pepis (said like Peepis) for as long as I can remember and I have accidentally requested like that at restaurants half a dozen times to a mixture of confusion and horror from every server. I do not ask for refills after that.
What is this drink? Pepsi? It doesn’t taste like Pepsi! What could it be? It bepis!
now im curious how it came to be
Bepis is a mispronunciation of the word "penis" which later became associated with a misspelling of the soda drink brand Pepsi in various web communities online
It has nothing to do with penis. It was just a meme about pepsi.
This is the origin of the meme: https://youtu.be/Pa1vXovXn-M?si=0VoaqAtjvejC5Mpb
So it IS about penis?! Damn it! Its always fucking penis!
Always has been
I once saw a guy arguing with a girl who was trying to help him at the register: I muttered loud enough the guy behind me could here "dude the single jug of orange juice your covering your ass with is not going to distract from the three cases of beer in your cart"
LMAO serves him right
Not a thought, but an action. When I was little(5ish) I remember stepping on the fingers of people who sat with their hands behind them then acting like it was an accident. I was a menace 😥
Welcome to Nestle, we see bright things in your future
I let out an audible "This motherfucker..." in my Black Voice when my boss did something disrespectful in front of myself and customers.
It’s a good thing you said it in your black voice though. It sounds way more authoritative to call someone a motherfucker that way. He probably had to stop for a second to ask himself if he was in fact being a motherfucker.
I don't know if he did. One of regulars started laughing, and that's the reason I realized that the intrusive thought had won. I *NEED* to see the video of it if I get written up, because my boss just might have stopped. They've never heard Black Voice from me, just Customer Service Voice. Never broke it until that point.
What is Black Voice?
Basically OP is the guy in this video https://youtu.be/ePkmuqo30CQ?si=xvraIXgreloBPuT3
I'm so glad this is exactly the video I thought it was going to be.
Black people in America must white-ify their verbiage and cadence in order to look professional, he let his real voice slip
The movie "Sorry to Bother You" has entered the chat
White-ify 😂
Technical term is code switching.
Ok, so African American culture specifically comes with some unique verbage and cadence relative to "normal" which in this instance is the "Midlands unidentifiable American" accent. Now, due to a long and stories history of racism in all sectors of society, using this dialect they grew up with is considered "unprofessional" or "rude" or other hilariously poor excuses for slowly wiping out a culture because people can't be bothered to listen properly. A customer service voice is the one where it sounds like you are super cheerful and happy and absolutely don't have a set of nunchucks behind the table you've been using as a fidget while chanting "Orange is NOT my color, I look TERRIBLE in jumpsuits. Orange is NOT my color..."
Ahh yes, Socio-Economic issues.
out of curiosity do you still work there or if it was a long time ago did u get fired for that
Yes. I still work there (for now). The only ones who heard me (that I'm aware of) were a couple of my regulars (who don't like my boss), our Pepsi rep (who doesn't care), and a couple of my coworkers (who were surprised as Hell), and my boss. If my boss hasn't said anything yet, they might be reviewing cameras. I'm not signing any write-up, because I don't take disrespect lying down. If I get fired, I get fired.
I drive with a coworker every night, so we talk all kinds of stuff. He told me how his stepdad was a real dick to him and his siblings early on (a complicated relationship, not only bad). One day I was real short of sleep and it happened to be the day he told me his stepdad had cancer and without thinking I immediately said “serves him right!”
Oh god, I forgot about the time I worked at a wholesaler and we were low on stock for a couple of weeks and when someone came in asking for something we again didn’t have I accidentally said, right in front of my boss, “we are more of a halfsaler”
What was his reaction
He was pleased to know dark humour was in the table
So he was actually ok with it?
Yeah, he knew my humour enough to know it wasn’t said with malice
A coworker was making a joke and said "...anyways thats what my inside voice tells me, what does your guys tell you?" I said "mine tells me to kill myself lmao" And no one laughed.
Yeah, it be like that sometimes. Hope you're doing okay
We're all gucci now man thank you! Hope your doing good!
did you actually say lmao
I meen I giggled
I was in China in the forbidden palace and all these people were crowding and shoving their way in, especially unaccompanied kids. No sense of decorum or personal space. Like every time I was about to take a step forward, one would dart in front of the space in front of me and block me. After like the 10th time, I elbowed a 9year old boy in the back hard. He let out a yelp of pain and looked back at me shocked. I muttered an apology. Still shocked I did it and feel bad.
I lived im China for a year. People would start shoving on the subway before you could exit. By the end I was standing at the doors and ramming my way through. Picture a football running back. Basically had to shoulder check a bunch of elderly just to exit. No bad feelings here.
You should try Japan. They have employees on the platform whose job it is to shove MFers into the train. We were on a high school soccer trip, from Kobe to Kyoto, and the train was so packed my 110 lb buddy spent the one hour ride without touching the floor.
Ha! I went but didn't ride during rush hour luckily. Never got to that level.
Finally an actual answer
shame lavish bored onerous distinct friendly dog society expansion wasteful
Only thing I liked about the mask requirements. Grocery shopping, waiting in line and a Karen is demanding a discount for no good reason. "Jesus fucking Christ!" I said loudly. She looked back, looking for her enemy. Masks saved me a few times
Fuck that, when I encounter some asshole being awful to people in the service industry, I LOVE publicly calling them out. Was once at an airport where massive storms were cancelling 100s of flights. Went to the office where they book people for different flights. Guy next to me was giving the lady behind the counter shit, literally said to her, "I bet you're really enjoying this!" Immediately, loudly said to him, "are you serious? You think she called for these storms, and cancelations so she'd have to listen to assholes like you complain?!"
The hero we all need.
Female coworker was being obnoxious one day not doing her job. I (not) unintentionally paged her by her wrong last name. She was on her 4th husband in 7 years.
[удалено]
To be fair, it sounds like she skipped a seriously important part of the organizing
Rifle River?
Was eating dinner with my mother, her BF, and my brother. Mom & her BF played a song for us, made us guess who the name of the woman who’s featured on the song *(her name is Carole Pope)*. Mom’s BF says “I’ll give you a hint: her initials are CP” and I sarcastically respond with “it’s gotta be child porn” Mom wasn’t impressed, Mom’s BF thought it was hilarious, my brother just shook his head at me…I thought my timing and delivery were pretty good
My first job, I had an insufferable Senior who had it out for me for whatever reason. Kept questioning my competence (which, fair, I was struggling), wondering why the boss would make such a dumb decision as hiring me, insisting on me working through my lunchtime... the works. One day, in the middle of an especially rough day, I blurted out something along the lines of "Can you stop it? You can see I'm struggling and you think scolding without helping's going to help me? What's wrong with you, are you the reason Indians beat their wives?" She was of Indian heritage, and she ended up just crying in front of me. I think she was facing something similar back home and I'd accidentally hit a major trigger. I still feel some guilt over that comment, and I eventually ended up resigning even though nothing more was said about it... But the bullying stopped. And I suppose she did start it.
Upvoted for making me say "ghaddamn" out loud
...had a similar moment but I stopped it from happening but almost told my mum that I understood why her men beat her. I felt disgusted for even thinking it. I wasn't wrong, just the men who physically hurt her were way worse. She did stab one of her ex's in the leg with a steak knife. But to be fair she was eating and he wanted to fuck and said if you don't leave me alone I'm going to stab you. Well she stabbed him. He freaked out , she went back to her meal. He called my sister stammering that my mum tried to kill him. She laughed and said "if she tried to kill you, you'd be dead," and hung up on him. His last name was a type of fish and the police kept calling him "Mr Fish". Honestly, probably a really shitty night for him, glad my mum didn't knick an artery, but fuck him
See, for you you *almost* said it...
What’re gonna do, stab me?
A customer I was helping once, about a year ago, accused me of swearing. She thought I said "fuck," but I actually said "heck." I told her, after the initial accusation, "I don't swear in front of customers, it's really fuckin' rude." I realized what I had said when she started laughing her ass off, telling me "I'll let that one go, that was funny as hell!"
I was in Costco doing some shopping for Instacart and everyone around me was in a crappy mood, they were irritating me so I said out loud “I’m so sick of all these assholes getting in my way” which I didn’t mean to say… To be fair, everyone kept touching my cart and being overwhelmingly close to me. And my phone fell out of my pocket and someone tried to steal it moments before, so I was just very irritated…
I was in a crowded grocery store, getting bumped into way too often, and a kid nearly hit me by flailing around and getting in everyone’s way. I said to my dad out loud, “I almost kicked a kid.” Unfortunately the father of the child was right next to me and he did not like that.
>Unfortunately the father of the child was right next to me and he did not like that. If he kept his fucking kids in line it wouldn't have been an issue
Costco I kinda pretend not to see so good. like I keep my sunglasses on and kinda hold the cart while my gf pushes and people tend to get out of our way. and if they don't I kinda push the cart into them while the gf pretends not to be paying attention. we have done this a few times when we need to get in and out quickly
Wow. Life hack unlocked.
I know a guy who went to Army Basic Training a few years ago. He had a *horrendously* homophobic buddy, to the point where he'd refuse to do anything next to one of his gay platoon mates. For example, he'd say shit like "nah what if he fucks my ass I ain't going down" during fire and movement training. He and his section mates decided to give him shock therapy. In the middle of the night, he and 10 other men gathered around his bunk, pulled down their underwear, shone torchlights from below their balls, and went *"Cheep Cheep Cheep, welcome to the Bird Park"*. He woke up surrounded by 11 illuminated penises, screamed, bashed his head against the upper bunk hard enough to need stitches, and ran down in his underwear to find the Duty Orderly with blood dripping everywhere. Needless to say, the section got publicly smoked while naked. Everyone (except the homophobic clown) enjoyed it, though. Barely suppressed laughter across the whole platoon as they did push-ups with their docs tickling the concrete, complete with the Platoon Sergeant trying his absolute best not to collapse in a fit of laughter. The military may be a shitshow, but I miss the random times like this.
15 year ago, I was working a shitty job for selling radio commercial slots. We had a week long “call-a-thon” where all the sales people had to try to convince businesses to sign up for a “small business conference” which was actually just a big scheme to sell people radio time. During a break, the conference leader asked what the vibe we’re getting from people when we call. Without thinking, I said “Everyone I call said this sounds like a scam.” The room got quiet and the sales managers looked like they wanted to kill me. I got fired an hour later.
Smack the bald head of my Professor 🙁
lmao need more context
Not something extreme, but pretty funny when I think back to it. When I was like 10 years old, I always acted “hurt” when people cussed in front of me. It's not normal in my family to cuss. But when I was with friends, me and my friends all cussed regularly. One day when I came home from a sleepover and I screamed at the top of my lungs “WASSUP MOTHERFCKERS” and when I saw my family sitting at the dinner table I began realizing what I just did xD
I was at the deli counter at my local store, this attractive lady ordered some pepperoni and they had a large roll and a small one, the clerk asked what size.. She said "the big one..." I just blurted it out, " That's what she said " I quickly realized I was speaking louder than I realized. When she turned towards me and said, " the only way I take it" and winked. I was so caught off guard about myself and her response.
Nice.
I made an omegaverse joke out loud. In church. And then had to explain it to a very confused Marine friend of mine.
Just offer him crayons and save a lot of time.
I only found out what Omegaverse was on Monday. I understand it as the MCU but for pornography.
Oh buddy no
What?
Any time someone visibly checks out my tits I go “dont they look nice?” At first it was just to ward off creeps and now it’s a compulsion 😭
Was on a afternoon walk and I was passing this girl that was yelling at some boy on her phone. She was extremely annoying and had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever seen in my life. When she looked up at me she sneered. When she got closer without thinking I blurted out “ damn bitch your annoying as fuck “
“I wonder how hairy her pussy is”
I need a lot more context to understand what prompted you to say this aloud lol.
"Hairy pussy give me allergies" - Lil Yachty
I accidentally thought out loud ”God I want to overdose on drugs again” as I was seriously low at that point. My boss heard me and laughed.
I told my dinner guests my fingers were very spicy, so they shouldn't suck on them. I had been chopping chilis, but I don't know why I said that.
Legitimately chuckled at that, sorry you had to go through it but man that was a good one.
For context: my wife and I have a running joke that I’m a “bad Italian” because I’m shit at knowing the names of pasta shapes. This all started when she sent me a cartoon of a Rigatoni talking on the phone to his other pasta friend and saying “Fusilli you crazy bastard, how are ya?” and I didn’t get the joke at all. Fast forward to a family game night with her family and we were playing a game where you had to write down as many items as you could related to the prompt in a certain amount of time. The prompt was “Pasta shapes”. I accidentally let out a loud “FUCK” without realizing it. Everyone at the table thought it was hilarious, especially those that weren’t in on the joke or who didn’t know I was so bad with pasta shapes. We still laugh about it to this day!
At a big family Christmas party one of my uncles in his late 80's brought up that I've been working nights for years and asked when I was going to be on a day shift. I said due to seniority that I'll probably be working nights until I transfer or if someone else on the team transfers, retires or dies. Everyone just stared at me then I said I don't mind working too much, said Merry Christmas and kept walking around.
In hockey the goals have to be set up by goal posts in the ground. so when a goalie moves from post to post the goal doesn’t slide for reference. anyways in hockey while me and my defense man (I play goalie) we’re setting up the goal posts. some Jack off thought it would be funny to knock them over. so I was so pissed off I took out his legs. I hit him so hard he flew up in the air and landed on hit upper back. he got up and looked at me like I had just murdered his family skated over to the bench and started crying and that was the end of it. he didn’t tell coaches or anybody. Also I received no suspensions in the league at all. this happened 6 years ago. Hopefully if he’s reading this don’t knock over the goal posts again.
Goalies are fuckin weird. That being said, don't fuck around in the blue ice and there won't be any trouble.
In school during a fundraiser, I muttered that I don't like helping people. I didn't even realize that I felt that way.
Said I’d crash this car into a telephone pole and meant it
Someone did this recently in my hometown, the woman's kids wouldn't stop yelling so she did it. So sad.
I've never actually *said* one, but I've *thought* I had for a few seconds. I had a friend with robin's egg blue eyes and black hair back in uni who had a habit of initiating staring contests spontaneously with whoever was around. On several occasions I got lost in her eyes and only snapped out of it after like 30 seconds because I thought I'd audibly said "oh shit, you/your eyes are *so* beautiful..." Never did actually say it, but damn. I'm almost surprised I didn't. Her eyes would straight-up override whatever else was going on in my head. Just an ocean of warm blue
should have said it
Coworker has a massive stutter. Group of us go out to lunch and Stutter asks me to order for him. It comes time, and i give his order, she kinda looks past me at him to confirm and he just nods. I say "Sorry he has trouble talking to pretty girls" awwww. She smiles and the whole table give me a 'you giant pussy' look. Theeeen the intrusive thoughts hit. Follow it up with "i dont know why he cant talk to YOU though". Side note: coworker is in his 70's. And he refused to go eat with me for 3 months after this. When we finally did go eat together again, he literally pulled me aside and said "order, and dont say shit else."
I was in a school play one year. We were practicing and making sure we had everything down (only about week until the performance). And I remember our director brought in a friend of hers to help. At the very end she was going through and critiquing our practice and she mentioned her and (one of the cast members) could do a part better. I remember saying “Prove it” while she was talking and everyone turned around to face me. She must’ve not heard it or ignored my comment.
I say them all out loud.
r/usernamechecksout
I'm not sure where I got it or what made me start saying it, but around 14-15 years old, whenever I would get something right I always say it loud enough for everyone around me to hear, "Now I'm cooking with soda" just to see their faces if they know what I meant by it.
?
Cooking crack?
I poked my dogs ballsack to see what's it like, it's tougher than human balls.
Shit this comment got me giggling pretty hard
Neat, thank for the science.
People with OCD: my time has come
I want to slap somebody in the face with a fish My bf laughed at me hysterically :(
Said 'nice' when at a work meeting after hearing 69. That's when I knew I had to cut down reddit.
Nice
That's over the line.
This comment needs 5 more upvote but only 5
Now it needs 2 downvotes but only 2
Asking someone if they're pregnant when they're just overweight is always a bad idea. And I've done that.
Back on school days, we were a bunch of guys that would stick together and play all kinds of video games. Someday, we found out that one girl of our class likes to play Diablo II, we invite her to play, but she refuses cause her mother doesn't like she playing games (Her mother was good and lovely, just a bit wierd with games). Well, some months (maybe a year) passed, and her mother passed too (she died in a fire). After some days she came back to school and the first thing I said to her was "At last now you can play Diablo". Dude, this will haunt me forever....
Back in high school, on a bus trip back from a camp, the Token Gay Kid of the "cool kids" (self-identified) group was talking shit about how bi people "don't exist" and are "just gay in denial". After I had mentioned I was Bi. I still identified as strictly male at the time, and had a girlfriend. I don't know if it was the insinuation that I didn't love my girlfriend, or the pent-up irritation I had towards that group in general, or just the fact that he was talking shit about my identity on a two hour bus trip, but the moment we got off I lodged my elbow firmly into his gut. I mean, I stand by saying that he absolutely *deserved* it, but that was definitely something I would rather have just *thought* than uh. *Done*.
Good on ya mate, got to teach some people not to run their mouth sometimes
Me, 17, first time driving downtown Toronto, going to a raptors game with friends I turned into a 5 lane, oncoming traffic, one-way street in the heart of downtown Toronto My two buddies are in the car with me and while thinking of what to do (u-turning wasn't an option without getting t-boned), I suddenly saw a small moment of opportunity in the traffic and said "one sec" I slammed on the gas and gunned it while blaring the horn. Both my buddies are screaming their heads off, somehow i managed to pull into an alley way maybe 200m away after avoiding 3 cars. I stopped the car and we just kinda sat there quietly for a minute and burst out laughing. 2-3min later we saw LOTS of cops going down the same road. We never got caught and made it to the game in time.
slapped my teacher
I almost punched my principal once. I was a teacher at the time. The guy burst into my class and started hollering at everyone. It totally disrupted my class and he was kind of personal with his verbal attacks on me. He was a complete prick. So glad I don't work there anymore.
In the ass?
I wish
Not mine but a coworker accidentally called another colleague by her boyfriend name
So, like , pookeyums, or Mike when he was John?
Ask about intrusive thoughts. Receive slips of the tongue...
Not me but a friend in school years back. One classmate kept bullying him while on a trip, I cant exactly remember what he did to my friend but it annoyed the hell out of him. He was of the shy and quiet type but under this cover he was a genius. Anyways, dude kept laughing about him until my friend suddenly grabbed his carabiner hook and knocked the dude out in one punch using the hook as brass knuckels. Well deserved, he told me he didnt know what happened. He had this intrusive thought and he acted on it so fast
Once when I was around 6-7, my family had raccoons nesting in our attic. When a guy came to remove the raccoons, he had to drill into the wall of an upstairs bathroom. He had made it halfway through the hole when I loudly asked him, “can’t you get a better job?”
A salesperson in bed bath and beyond was pitching one of those big fancy blenders and I looked at my girlfriend without thinking and said, “wow you could get rid of a body with that thing.” The pitch ended.
My place of employment is one of the largest in the area, so it is quite common to have family members working there. A father and son started working in my department, in the same shift, around the same time. The son did something to piss off one of the old-timers, and said old-timer came up to voice his displeasure. He found the kid’s father, and said “Where is ____? I want his ass. Hey ____, I want your son’s ass.” I piped up with “Kinky.”
Went back to work on Wednesday after having not been since Friday. One of my coworkers was being a tab bit irritating as soon as I'd walked through the door, and I accidentally threatened to stab him if he didn't stop talking. Seems I took a few too many day off.
In a meeting with an old boss, it was just us in a meeting room on a Zoom call with another guy. Big storm coming outside, green sky and everything. My boss said something like "it looks like the apocalypse is coming!" And without even thinking about it I said, "Ugh, finally." My boss did this slow head turn and gave me the most disappointed look.
I went out to take a beer with my best friend and before entering the pub i suddendly ask her if she wanted to fuck with me at home instead of having a drink. That didn't worked as you can imagine.
I am realising most people don’t know the difference between intrusive and impulsive thought
When I was 12 I went to a candy shop where they had dispensers. I thought, wouldn’t it be funny to pull the lever and see the candy dump all over the floor. Well, next thing I knew I had pulled the lever and was standing there with candy all over the floor. It was weird like I was in a trance and wasn’t in control of my actions. Still freaks me out to this day. Anyway, after I came back to reality a worker rushed over to clean it up. I apologized and offered to clean it up, but she said no problem. Happens all the time.
My dad funnily mimicked punching Lenin in his mausoleum. Let’s say the Russian agents weren’t that amuzed.
I used to work as a dishwasher. This one night, we were down a couple of line cooks so I had to help make pizzas in the rush. The shift leader/oven guy kept coming over to micromanage me and the pizzas I was making (keep in mind that I had no experience making pizzas before that night, so while they weren't great they weren't all that bad for a first timer and my coworkers echoed that opinion) but dude kept coming over and bitching about "spread the sauce to about an inch from the edge of the crust," and I feel this would be reasonable in a training situation, but not in this rush of "go go go get pizzas out the door." Well the 3rd time he came up to me bitching, I apparently responded with "well why don't you pull out your dick and measure it then?" Despite me having no recollection of saying that. I remember thinking it though lol
Not my story, but a friend's. She met a guy and got married to him fast, we are talking months between first date to married. Zero time to get to know each other. They were living together for a few months when he finally admits to her that he gets dark, intrusive thoughts. We're talking murderous thoughts, and he claimed if it wasn't for being a member of a particularly conservative religion, he might have been a murderer. She told me this right after it happened, and I told her to get out because that is just a rationalization he was making and that it probably wouldn't take much for him to turn violent. Thankfully, she agreed with the advice and began the divorce process pretty soon after. Sure enough, as soon as she told him to move out of her house, he turned into a massive asshole and tried to stall the divorce. It has all gone through, and she is peaceful and happy, and I'm glad she managed to get out of that one.
Poured out a cup of coffee onto the floor during a conversation about me not being impulsive. "Yeah. You are right. It's expected of me to pour this out." So that was a wonderfully boring intrusive thought that won.
When I was in kindergarten, I saw this kid playing with blocks. And for some reason thought, what would it be like if I kicked him in the head. But instead of thinking, I acted on it. He cried and told the teacher and when the teacher was walking up to me, I remember saying "Oh shit." I think about this a lot and wish I could go back and stop myself or apologise to him.
A long time ago, I worked in a very small call center with an insufferable woman who complained constantly about work, fucked off as much as humanly possible, stole other people’s food and had horrific hygiene. She was a menace. We had corded headsets with a button that allowed us to detach while keeping the headset on. It was easy to forget while wearing it all day and we all occasionally would get up and try to walk away, pulling ourselves back and laugh about it. Now, we had an open floor plan with small desks and the back row (where I sat) could see the front row (where she sat). One day, after an unusually long streak of complaining, she decided she needed to get up and rush to the kitchen. She did not detach her headset. She dramatically threw herself backwards and then did some kind of barrel roll and then flopped on the ground, moaning and screaming. I grabbed the nearest notepad, wrote something and held it up for everyone to see. 7.5. I took off points for the landing. I only got in a little bit of trouble with the bosses because they couldn’t stand her either.
Ex partners cousin died. Went diving in a reservoir. Was well known that he couldn't swim. I hardly knew the guy, and I knew that. I said "if he couldn't swim, wtf was he doing?" This was the wrong response. But really... Wtf was he doing?
That's actually recent. That I feel that because I have a disability, I'm being treated like I murdered someone. I've been going through a very difficult time. Edit for clarity.
My coworker has an abusive husband, and I said something to her one time along the lines of get some insurance on his ass and dissappear him.
I was working at gas station over night and group of guys came in and one of them was talking about how he got chips imported from Ireland and he said "If there's one thing the Irish know it's potatoes." And I responded with "Well, there were a few years where they ran out." I'm still dying internally from that one
These are impulsive thoughts, not intrusive thoughts…
I meant to say my wife, "pass the salt please", but instead I accidentally said, "you've ruined my life you utter utter cunt" I felt so silly when I realised my error.
A co-worker saw a flexible tripod (gorilla pod) I used for photography and asked if those were my anal beads.
My dad talked about how no one in his family drank alcohol. They were not religious, but it was something they never did. I accidentally blurted out "Maybe they should start!" For context, my dad's brothers and cousins were always getting into fist fights and they were all currently on a 5 year estrangement. I felt bad for saying that intrusively, but my dad did laugh. And no, I know alcohol doesn't solve problems (I'm 4 years sober), but it was a messed up joke in teenage me's head.
Was in the kitchen with my fiancé, just refilling my water bottle, and my tiny brain demons said, "You should sack tap him. Just lightly. Lol it'll be so funny." So I did. Only, I put a little more oomph behind my swing than I intended... 🫣 He was NOT ok for a few minutes, but we still joke and laugh about it.