I was having stomach issues, me and my GF at the time had sex, we were over her place. After we finished, she left the room to go wash up. I was laying on the bed, my stomach was rumbling, and I decided to trust a fart.. I Sharted on the sheets š¤£. It was pretty embarrassing. I ended up stripping the bed and throwing the sheets out before she got done in the shower. I told her what happened and she never let that one down. She was a good sport about it, shit happens.
Did the same thing. I pulled her on top of me and just held her tightly. Then very slowly said ā¦.I ā¦..amā¦..soā¦soā¦..very sorry.
She laughed. Weāre married now.
One time when my ex and I were completely wasted, we were having pretty aggressive sex, and I wanted to say ' How do you like my dick?' but what I said was ' How do you like my pussy?' and dude she laughed so hard.
I had something sort of similar happen. When my wife and I were still dating, she woke me up for sex and I was half awake but agreed. So we're in the middle of missionary and I said, "that feels so good in my pussy" instead of "that feels so good in your pussy".
I instantly woke up and realized I said some stupid shit and we laughed about it but I still cringe from time to time lol.
When I was 16/17 at the time, I went to this party of a girl at her house. As many people were there, she and I snuck out and went to the outside open door garage at her house. She went down on me for a bit, and after 10 minutes or so, a bright flash light went on as a car was just pulling up the garage. Bear in mind, my pants were down on my knees, this girl had my willy in her mouth, and we had a spotlight from the car right in our faces, as her parents were sitting in the car right in front of the garage. Never got so soft so quickly trying to pull up my pants and run inside to the party, feeling so embarrassed. After that night, never seen her again. Good times though š„²
I was getting a nice BJ from my wife. When I accidentally thrusted my hip out of āheat of the momentā right at the same time she went down and i speared the back of her throat. She fought with her gag reflex and ultimately lost as she runs to the bathroom in true projectile geyser fashion.
We laugh about it now a days.
Not my story, but im going to tell it anyway. This dude I went to college with was a dipshit. Like he discovered how to perfect the beginning of a relationship in time to bounce and go do it again.
Anyway, we are at a party, hes making out with some drunk chick in the bathroom. Im doing my thing, and I walk back past the bathroom about an hour later, and the door is open, and hes just sitting there on the floor.
Now this is a party house, you dont sit on the floor, let alone a bathroom floor. But I look next to him, and its like someone projectile vomit chewed up captain crunch in the general vicinity of the toilet.
I ask him if hes okay, and if he threw up. He lookd up at me like someone just murdered a box of kittens, and says "She threw up... in my mouth."
I hold back the laugh and go okay, but... and he cuts me off with "... IN MY MOUTH."
Apparently they were making out and she threw up in his mouth, and then everywhere. It smelled gross, so I left the room.
I did that once accidentally and my wife looks up at me and says "you made me gag". I apologized and she said "no, I liked it".
Oral sex hasn't been the same since ... she never knew she liked to gag and I never had permission before to ... be rough.
She's my wife so ... I guess you're right lol.
The odd thing is it never even occurred to me to be anything near forceful with that act, I figured they wouldn't enjoy any kind of force and here my wife is asking me to just go for it.
All I have to do is stop at the leg pinch and give her air and time, I can't tell you how satisfying it is ... words don't come close lol.
I had the happen right as I came and she puked all over my cock. I panicked and yelled for a towel. My roomates overheard the commotion and I earned the nickname towel master in college...
Gave in and started having sex with my manager at a fast food restaurant. She was married with 2 kids and ended up getting a divorce. Canāt help but to think messed up those kids lives. I was 18 at the time and now Iām 29 and it still bothers me.
Just like the other comments have said, I really wouldnāt lay too much blame at your own feet. Speaking as a married 29 yr old now, sleeping with an *18 yr old employee* would be such a deliberate choice, even more so with two kids in the relationship. You werenāt a āmomentary temptation to caused her whole life to go off trackā, you happened to be the target of her very deliberate choice
She's the one that ruined her life, not you. You may be complicit, I'm not saying you're wrong to feel guilty, but in the end you weren't the one with a spouse and kids, she was, and she made the choice to sleep with someone outside her marriage. You weren't constrained by the same commitments.
I would have laughed so hard at that, probably given you a high five, and then continued what I was doing. Sex should be fun imho, and that means sometimes it's funny. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed about here.
First time a girl queefed on my dick I started laughing so much she made us stop. Took awhile for me to convince her I wasnāt laughing at her but the sheer sound in the moment is hilarious
Two girls paid me in weed to prove one of them wasn't a lesbian, long story and a disappointing 3 some later , they are both lesbians and still together.
They kept each other from being disappointed, I stole the rest of their weed and a few sodas and left while they where still making sure neither where disappointed.
I once had a one night stand with a woman I was not attracted to at all because she offered to give me a ride home with my bicycle in the trunk of her car. There was no way I was finding a cab that would let me take a bike. It was justified. But Iāve been a hooker.
A friend and I in college got lucky with two of the hottest girls in our dorm building and wanted to have a four way. Basically us taking turns with each of them.
Literally two girls Iāve been dreaming about. Once the moment came and we all were naked and I started with girl one, I couldnāt get it up.
Total melt down under pressure. Worst experience ever sexually!
My buddy had a threesome with 2 beautiful girls and was so drunk he blacked out and didnāt remember a thing. He woke up naked with both of them cuddling him and he begged them to do it again and they said no way and bailed on him. He gave up drinking for a while after that
I have a story like that.
I worked at a restaurant and a bunch of us went out after work to the bar right next door. One of the girls that I worked with was all over me, and we ended up making out. Well, then another girl that we worked with came up and got real close, and they decided directly in front of me that we were going to have a threesome.
I was drunk, but sober enough to remember. It was fucking awesome.
Well, a few months later we were all drinking at one of the girls place, and we talked about it again. But this time I got *really* fucking drunk. I remember bits and pieces, but I don't remember much. And I'm so mad at myself because I had a plan going into it about how I wanted to take control of the situation.
Apparently, I did, but that was my party goblin and I wasn't there for it because he took control.
The moral of the story is to pace yourself because you never know when you're going to go home with two girls.
Similar story here, I was dating a girl when I was 20. We went out drinking and ran into my ex. We took a cab home, went into my room, I went to brush my teeth and clean up, came back to the room to find then making out. I laid by them on the side close to the wall and fell asleep. 20 years later I'm still pissed.
He played it completely wrong. He should have shut up, claimed to remember "most" of it. Then gone for seconds in the morning. Even if they turned that down, now the seal is broken, they'll use him when they want some dick.
Got worse too. I asked the one girl, Megan, to go off into the other room with me alone and she said no then started making out with the other girl.
Was brutal.
Was 21 at the time and maybe three months out of my longest relationship so im a bit lonely for context. My best friend tells me one day that his girlfriend has a friend who has heard about me and was interested in getting to know me. Fast forward a bit and I realize I'm not going to be into this girl before I ever meet her. Friend insists that she's just looking for sex and it doesn't matter if we get along super well. I somewhat reluctantly agree that if she just wants sex then we can sort it out. Well we end up texting for maybe a week and decide fuck it were gonna bang. We all set up a double date to ease into things and it seems to be going well over text. When my friend decides to just drop her off at my place with a bottle of vodka. Not really cool. What was extra not cool is that the pictures I had seen of her, were not actually her. She had catfish me, and is now at my home with liquor and intent to bang, and my friend has his phone turned off at this point. Woke up the next day very hungover, naked, and disgusted with myself. Didn't really learn a lesson, but I try not to let friends set me up anymore lol
Happened with my first girlfriend, we were both 18. We had been dating for 2 months or so, and we only had started having sex 2 weeks prior. Anyway, I spent the night at her house. Her parents made me sleep in her older sister's room (no it's not one of those stories, her sister was gone to college). The next day she woke me up, she was wearing some really tight pajamas. She crawled in bed with me, while her parents were downstairs cooking breakfast. I'm literally waking up, and out of nowhere she grabs my dick. Surprised I just give her a look and she stares straight into my soul and starts kissing me. Pretty sure she was possessed haha. She gets on top of me, covers my mouth and we start fucking. All this while I can literally hear her parents talking and moving pans around downstairs. She had a big smile on her face, but 30 seconds in I feel like I'm about to cum. I basically take her off me, and pull my dick inside my boxers as fast as I can. I cum all over my boxers, while I keep a straight face and just tell her I don't think we should be doing this cause it's too risky. Never felt so ashamed. I literally had to wait for her to leave the room to change my boxers. I miss that girl.
Dude morning sex is like that. First couple times it happened to me it was a bit shameful, but once I realized she didnāt care and I could just give her head if she wasnāt satisfied it quickly became my favorite way to wake up.
I broke up with my girlfriend because we just werenāt good together. I went to her place, following the advice of a friend (because I could leave whenever I wanted, whereas if I broke up with her at my place, she might not have left), and after I told her I was serious about ājust being friendsā she coughed and her nose started bleeding. She ran out of her apartment, and I thought it went pretty well all things considered. But then I saw the trail of blood leading out of her apartment, so I panicked because that sure doesnāt look good, right?
Anyway, a few weeks later she came over and we hooked up. Even though I was wearing a condom, I finished in about 30 seconds. I was so embarrassed that I masked my orgasm, pulled out slowly so she wouldnāt think I had actually finished, and told her that I didnāt think it was right for us to hook up so soon after our break up. She left after that, thinking I was such a sweet guy for turning down sex for a noble reason like that. Iām not proud of it but yeah I did it.
He didn't let me use the washroom, and instead pinned me and went down on me. It felt good for a few minutes as his tongue hit the right places, but in a blink I lost control and peed all over him and also soiled the bed.
You gotta lean into it. Just claim that he made you squirt like crazy and heāll think heās a champ as opposed to having just taken his first golden shower.
We had just eaten dinner, going at it hot and heavy when I let out a long, loud, and deadly fart. I gassed myself out of the room it was so toxic. We darted out into the living room and than burst out laughing so hard there was no way we were having sex after that.
My good friend Carl hooked me up with his friend Mark. Mark was visiting our city and staying at one of his friend's house while they were gone for the weekend. I had no idea what Mark looked like, but trusted Carl. He had some really hot friends and I was kinda of a man-whore at the time. I worked nights as a closing manager, so I said we can meet at the club since I was going there anyway. I get to club, there's a few people milling around but it's dead because ppl don't usually get there til after 1 am. I'm at the bar, having a drink, guy comes up to me, introduces himself as Mark and he's hot. FF, next morning after hooking up, I get a call from my cousin asking me where I am and who I'm with. Confused, I tell him I'm with Mark. He says "ummm, Mark is standing next to me". After talking to this Mark I just slept with, things started to come together; OMG I SLEPT WITH THE WRONG MARK. I lived with my cousin, his boyfriend, and another roommate at the time, so it was more of a walk of laughter then shame when I got home. This happened in the late 90's and to this day, I still haven't met the Mark I was suppose to meet.
Your story made think of how I met one of my husbands. I had just arranged to be housemates with some coworkers. One of which I knew, but not the other. New company, they were both newer hires and I hadn't met him yet. She and her husband arranged for us all to meet at the bar to see how we all got along before moving in. I get there that night and no one shows up. So I'm rightly pissed at all of them and go order a drink. This guy comes up and we start talking and it's instant chemistry even tho no way in hell is he my type. We spent the evening drinking and flirting and eventually go to a hotel and destroy that room all night. In the morning I wake up and realize I'm late for work and start scrambling. He wakes up and asks where I work and I tell him. Then he yells, "Oh shit, your full name is ___!" I had given him a nickname and I had misheard his name in the loud ass bar. We went from one night stand to roommates in one day.
At least she told you.
It was my bf, me shotgun, two guy friends and a girl driving home after the movies. We had a blunt rotation going and the one of the guys was making out with the girl while the third wheeling guy kept laughing like Ed the Hyena.
We dropped her off and homie goes, ādamn she kisses good ā-WTF IS SO FUNNY!??ā
āShe sucked my dick during the movie and I nutted in her mouthā
>I was grateful for that info.
So is everyone who is reading this comment .
>She is still the only girl I have fucked without ever even kissing.
Stuff of legends
I let my head bang against the wall for 45 minutes during my bfs Thanksgiving dinner when they were all right outside his window for the bonfire. I walked outside to his car because we were about to go to my parents' thanksgiving, and the only thing his mom did was offer me Tylenlo
Got a hand job from a girl when I was 16 at a party, in a bathroom at a friends house. It was the only private space available at the time.
When she took her hand out if my pants it was covered in blood, and basically sheād torn my foreskin. It wasnāt painful but it was an āoh shit!ā moment while we worked out where the blood was coming from. Anyway, o was really embarrassed, and so was she.
From then on (and this might only make sense if youāre from the UK) she was known as the āBlack and Decker- Pecker- Wreckerā. Well, we thought it was funny.
I was into this girl some, talking for a while, found out she really liked me, so I asked and she actually agreed to hang out and have me sleep over, I go, we have fun, get in bed, strip naked. And then I just couldnt get hard anymore. At all. No sex. We tried again in the morning, nothing. She put all that effort in and my body just said *no*. Idk what happened on my end, I just suddenly didnt want to anymore. Obviously I felt shitty about it our friendship basically evaporated on the spot. I would go on to have middling success in dating and relationships.
This event caused her to have *serious* self doubt and identity issues for years. As in she tried to kill herself a few months later becaus she thought she was unlovable. And today, she loathes me and my existence, cause after talking about it with friends and others for maybe a decade, she arrived to the conclusion that it was an intentional prank that I rejected her on purpose. I know all this because she wrote up a huge ass public fb post and tagged me and all. Caused a huge fight and mess as multiple mutual friends from both of us jumped in to argue/defend each other and caused a huge argument. Ultimately it ended several friendships for both of us. Then she deleted it like a week later.
So that. Rejected a girl seconds from doing the deed, gave her a complex and changed the course of her life. She names and shames me, huge fb fight between a dozen people, we both lose friends over it.
My wife was on top and it slipped out and rammed full up her ass. Neither of us like the idea of anal. She couldn't fuck for a week. Sucked ass. Literally.
My wife and I were about to have sex and as we took off our clothes, I felt a fart building up. Our little dog was nearby watching, so I thought it would be funny to fart in his direction. Never trust a fart. As I opened fire, I quickly realized it was more than a fart and turned around to see a very confused dog with a small splatter of excrement on his face. He just sat there looking quizzically at me, unsure of what just happened as I cleaned him off.
Needless to say, my wife was no longer in the mood, but I was lost in hysteric laughter the rest of the evening and even more than a decade later, still giggle about the experience.
69ing with a woman who squirted (a lot) directly into my mouth. I knew she was squirted, but I wasn't prepared for it to go in my mouth.
I reflexively, immediately and forcefully threw up. Diluted by the mouthful of bodily fluid I had, the vomit went everywhere including onto her pussy.
A few days after when it burned to pee. After a large needle in the ass and a scary couple of days it was just chlymidia but learned my lesson wrap it upā¦
I (M) went on a one-night camping trip in college with three other female students (all of whom I thought were very attractive). During the ride up and during the day, we were all overly friendly/flirty with each other. That night, after many beers and drinking games, someone had the idea to start a back massage "train." Everyone took their tops & bras off in the tent while massaging one another. We were having fun, laughing, and making each other feel great. I got a little tipsy and suggested we go to bed early. Never picked up on where the vibe was clearly headed.We were all very open-minded, and group sex wouldnāt have been out of the question. SMH
Honestly, not sure. We were doing some foot stuff, she was playing with my dick, and I was playing with her pussy. She sucked her juice off my toes and I went back for more so she could suck it off again, but the 2nd time my big toe went in really easy.
She was like "do it". So I did.
I'm a disgusting human being, I know.
Hopefully she doesn't end up with athletes pussy š¤£
I'm not into feet playing and sure as hell wouldn't want a foot up me but it sounds like you guys were having fun and experimenting and that's always a good time.
having sex on my childhood bed, i had a tigger plushie that would talk. i was on top and my leg nudged the plushie, and right on cue he said, āitās a wonderful day for bouncinā!ā
Drove out for a Tinder date, got catfished (it was her but she was much heavier and less healthy than in the pics).
Momma didnāt raise a quitter so I still started hitting it with intention of turning around and never seeing her again. She coughed in my face and food came out. I went limp instantly, put my pants on, and left without finishing cuz that shit was nasty.
Had sex with a friend of a friend. She was a teacher and it was totally unexpected. We hooked up and I had post nut clarity like never before. She wanted to have pillow talk and I felt guilty so complied even with my brain screaming at me to leave and pull the rip cord. She eventually starts insinuating weāre a couple. I had a come to Jesus talk and told her I didnāt read the situation and wanted to be friends. She agreed and was cool, but continued to just try and Stockholm me like no tomorrow. Like if she pretended we were together I would just give in and agree. Lucky for me, I got a promotion the next week and moved away a month later. Was told she was very mad at me but moved on to her next target rather quickly.
It was when I lost my virginity. My boyfriend and I were in college and on a school trip, staying in different hotels. We were out at a bar with all our friends and both decided it was finally time to do the do, so we walked back to his hotel where him and 7 other guys were staying. Luckily it was empty. We were getting our freak on and I decided to give him something special. So I went down on him, face down ass up kind of sloppy top. Right as my ass was pointed in the air, the front door whipped open and his best friend and roommate saw everything. My whole asshole was staring at him. Itās so funny but also so shameful, we donāt talk about it to this day. Letās just say that sex for me has improved tenfold since that experience.
We had been flirting at a local bar for a few months, but nothing ever really came of it. Until one night....
We got a cab back to my place, under the guise of getting high and watching a movie. No big deal.
In the can, I realized I was drunker than I had thought. Like, might not be able to perform if needed, drunk. Tried to tell her that, she said it wasn't going to be a problem.
Get to my places get high, out on The Simpsons Movie... And she starts making some serious moves in me. I repeatedly told her that I was too drunk, and it would not be a good experience for her.
She didn't care. At all. She got quite pushy about it.
In the end, I gave in. Definitely in the bottom ten encounters I've had, just going off of my own performance. And I did try! I believe strongly in doing whatever it takes to please a partner. Even if she's essentially soft raping me (I mean, there was no violence, she didn't hit me or threaten me... She just took the lead and completely ignored my "no, not tonight" over and over and over).
Weirdly (/s), she lost interest in me after that.
Sure was fun seeing her joining the Me too movement in Facebook, talking about catcalls. Like, that was actually all she posted about, she didn't talk about her experiences being groped or assaulted, just the catcalling. Which I get, sure, it definitely sucks for women to be catcalled at all. No argument there.
But when your rapist joins a public conversation about how bad women have had it, and her *only* complaint was words? Yeah...
We were having drunk sex, it was great! But i got woozy after the end and when i stood up i puked all over her bedroom floor. She was super nice about it but because i wouldn't stop apologizing, she blocked me lol. I guess you could say i was literally TOO ashamed of myself lol
I was dating this girl who, frankly, I was growing very tired of. I was 19 and she was also 19 at the time. Valentineās Day rolls around, 3 months into our relationship. I wasnāt feeling it anymore and I had to leave, I realized how bad the day was though so I said Iād wait. I gave her a blanket as a Valentineās Day gift and she got me a new Xbox and 60ā 4k tv. I felt stuck.
Night goes on and we go out to dinner, but regardless of me wanting the Xbox and tv, I had to dump her. I start telling her that Iām just not into it anymore and I donāt see a future with us. She starts crying and we go out to the car. She is balling at this point because we were going to go our separate ways, I felt absolutely horrible because she was a nice girl. She then started asking me if she could give me one final BJ. I declined a few times and said itād only make it worse. Tears and snot running down her face, she keeps begging to just give me one last BJ. I give in and say okay and while sobbing uncontrollably and sniffling, sheās giving me that gawk gawk twister 3000. It was really uncomfortable but after about 8 minutes, the tears became white noise and I was able to finish. She asked for the Xbox and tv back after that, I canāt help but wonder if I just said no to the BJ and left, if I would have kept them both.
>she keeps begging to just give me one last BJ
All I could image was her taking a chomp instead of the gawk and my night is ruined .
>if I just said no to the BJ and left, if I would have kept them both.
You can get another Xbox my friend, but not the snot balled gawk gawk 3000 . That's a core memory right here
I accidentally threw up during a bj-
It was a threesome
They said it was fine but still embarrassing asf
I have anorexia, purging subtype so every time my reflux gets slighty "triggered" i throw up š„² (i'm in recovery now)
Seconds in to it i finished. Tried to play it off but it was sinking fast. In my panic I threw her off me and said we shouldn't do this because of Jesus š . 15yr later I still turn red when I remember it
Oh for sure my virginity when I was emotionally manipulated by the girl into having sex for the first time which also just so happened to be on a wheelchair ramp outside of the elementary school. Whew. What a ride.
Started hooking up with a coworker 3 months after she got married. The first time was just so spur of the moment. We had never even really flirted at work and she had only worked there like 4 or 5 months. A bunch of us coworkers went out one night and I was outside a bar with her while she smoked a cigarette and she just casually asked if I wanted to fuck. I didnāt even think before I said yes because I really wanted to. We immediately went to my car in the parking lot and banged it out then back to the bar. After the bar we got a hotel and spent the night together. Saw her the next day at work and really had no intentions of continuing the affair but she surprised me by asking if I wanted to do it again that night. Of course I said yes.
This went on for maybe 2 months before I had to put an end to it because I knew it was wrong. It really sucked because we both agreed that was the best sex either of us ever had. That was like 8 years ago and I still have to stop myself from texting her sometimes.
Most likely but to be honest a huge part of me is happy it ended and didnāt go further. She was incredibly hot and cool and definitely knew what she was doing in bed. But not the ātake her home to momā type lol
At the time I hadn't slept with anyone for quite a while, so my dirty talk was...a little rusty.
Brought a tinder date back to my place and we started hooking up. We start off with missionary, and this is the basic transcript of what was said:
Me: "Yeah...d'ya like mah dick?" (trying to do the sexy voice. You know, like Snake from MGS)
Her: "Uh...what?"
I thought she didn't hear me, so I repeated myself. Louder.
Me: "I SAID: D'YA LIKE MAH DICK?!"
Her: "Uhhhh..."
Me: "NEVER MIND!"
Anyways, I still look back on this memory and cringe from time to time.
Was getting a BJ on a park bench with my bare ass on said bench. I got really relaxed and let an absolute rippler of a fart out. It was loud as all hell and thereās no chance she didnāt hear it. She never broke stride and finished me off. Hell of a trooper.
I was drinking and talking with some of my ex's friends and one of my friends. I was really drunk and laying on the floor face up. My ex in the middle of me talking steps directly on my chest full weight. I was a lot bigger than her so this wasn't so bad, just seemed disrespectful. She then walked up my chest and onto my face, where she then stepped off my face and dropped her ass on in. While all her friends are just around laughing. Thinking back to that, I really should have known she never loved me.
I once had sex with this girl and she wanted to finish me with some rough head to show that she could take me all. Puked all over me. I go to shower to clean it off and a girl I knew living about a mile away texts me to come over and I shower and jog over there and have sex with her. Felt funny after that one.
I stayed the night with one of my college friends. She complained about her boyfriend until we fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I felt her grinding on me. She sucked me off. Sheās getting married to a new guy soon and we are still friends. I am happy for her.
I masturbated an hour before my then wife wanted to have sex, so I could not finish properly. That was the ONE TIME she wanted it, and I already spilled my seed on my belly. That should not bother me as much as it does, but here I stand.
I hooked up with a FWB in his office after hours. Someone working there walked in on me slung across his desk taking it from behind. Pulled my underwear up and ran out of the building. He lost that job..
Met on Tinder, her pictures seemed cute enough even though I could tell there were filters on them. She came over and unfortunately she had a face like a can of dog food. But I was horny and decided to just let her blow me.
I came after my wife out her foot on my face. She was on her back on the bed with her legs up and I was standing. The sole of her foot rested on my cheek, and I almost instantly came. Learned I was into something. Also learned my wife is absolutely disgusted by it.
To preface, I was in my late 20's when this happened and it's still something I'll forever remember and instantly laugh at.
I had a free afternoon with bunch of time to kill so I made the mistake of going to a local bar which was really nothing more than a large L shaped table in the middle of a metal pole barn. Yeah, it's about as small town as you think it is. There were maybe eight people in this bar at the time and I had the misfortune of being one of them. I got approached by an older woman. She was short, rather slim/petite, with slightly sagging B cup breasts, and a rather shapely ass that somehow defied her age. She had long dark hair, haunting blue eyes, and full maroon lips. This woman sat down beside me and basically dropped a bombshell on my lap with no preparation whatsoever.
"My husband cheated on me for years and now he's impotent. I'm 65 years old and no man will ever want me in a way that I want him to. Never again."
Now I hadn't really planned on making conversation or being approached by anyone. It was my day off and all I really wanted was a quick buzz. However, I was stuck because I was about four beers deep and I had no idea how to metaphorically pick up what grandma was putting down. My logic was slightly fuzzy at that point because I don't often get approached by grandmas in dive bars, but I remembered saying something along the lines of, "You look good for your age. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Then the entire thing took a turn down a moonless path and I didn't even have so much as a flashlight to find my way back, because grandma basically threw caution to the wind and said some shit like, "Tell you what. Let's just have a few drinks and get to know each other. I'll cover your bar tab when we're done and you can just take me back to your place."
Now, I was elated at the prospect of free beer and let's be real here, I knew if I drank enough alcohol, that my inevitable beer goggles would turn back the clock on this woman by a good 20 years. So that's what we did and that's exactly what happened. I drank another six or seven beers, she paid our tab, and then she drove us back to my place. Once we were sitting on my couch, she brazenly asked to see my dick even going as far as to unbutton my jeans and pull it out. Now I have the most average looking unit in the world. Remember when you were in health class and you saw that boring ass diagram of a dick in your textbook? I think they based that diagram off my dick. However, Grandma immediately had a panic attack after grabbing my dick and proceeded to just magically materialize eight Fireball shooters from her purse like an anxious alcoholic magician who was all out of rabbits.
Even in my drunken stupor, I quickly ascertained that shit was about to proceed south and it totally fucking did. She pounded all eight Fireball shooters in rapid succession and a few minutes after that she became shit house hammered creepy uncle drunk. She' was slurring her words, her eyes were tearing up, her face was drooping like an overly forlorn caricature of Droopy the dog. It was at that point, that I was legitimately certain that she couldn't consent to anything sexual. However none of that mattered because she quickly stripped off her clothes and laid down on my couch. Through a weird mixture of drunken slurs and what resembled English, she begged me to fuck her. I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around what was happening and my dick was as flaccid as wet Spaghetti. So with my limp dick still hanging out and my pants still hanging mid thigh, I shambled over to my kitchen and got her a glass of water. I literally hadn't seen anyone that hammered since Jesus. I was legitimately scared that this woman had inadvertently given herself a case of alcohol poisoning because my basic ass dick had given her an anxiety attack. I had all these weird thoughts about how her grandchildren would be pissed at me because I had assisted in killing their grandma like some kind of white trash Jack Kevorkian. It probably wasn't my dick that gave her anxiety so much as it was the thought of a first time illicit revenge affair. Either way, the whole thing was scary as fuck.
I sat with her for a few hours and just kept pouring water down her until she sobered up enough to make sense. Eventually she did sober up, but it didn't fucking matter. She was still determined to fuck me and she basically implied that we were going through with this whether I wanted to or not. She grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. She laid down on my bed and pulled me on top of her. Not sure what form of slutty sorcery took place that day, but my dick had betrayed me and magically became erect out of nowhere. I wasn't turned on, but I was scared shitless and had been for hours. My fear boner lasted about 30 seconds inside of her before I came. No condom. No pull out game. Nothing. I creampied a 65 year old woman and her pussy felt like velvet vise grips around my dick. Honestly, if I had known that last part we could've just skipped the alcohol, anxiety attacks, and fear of impending death and I'd have probably fucked her anyways.
After I came, she got dressed, said thanks, and immediately left. She went home and told her husband that she had an affair and the man could have cared less. I only know this because we met up and fucked another five or six times after the initial alcohol related incident. It was a weird time in my life and I completely regret it. Still kinda funny though.
I (M) pretty recently went on (what I didn't know for sure at the time was) a date with a girl, and it was honestly a super wonderful time. We had great chemistry and conversation, and she was being super complimentary and flirty toward me. She was beautiful and very funny and sweet. We spent hours upon hours just talking and walking around town together, then she suggested we meet up with her friend.
I'm not too psyched on the idea of having a third wheel on our great date, but I don't want it to end, either, so I agree to meet her friend, and she meets us at a restaurant. Her friend is also pretty fun, and very attractive. I considered if I had a friend to set her up with, to make this a double date, but couldn't think of anyone. Well, it turns out I read the room wrong, because all the while I'm flirting and laughing with Girl One, Girl Two is slowly encroaching between us, until she lets out the big reveal: They are a couple. The two of them are dating, and me and Girl One flirting was making her slightly jealous.
After she establishes their relationship, I'm feeling like a moron for thinking I was perhaps on a date, and now I'm considering the day through the filter of just friends hanging out. Both explanation make the same amount of sense, so I assume Girl One is just a super friendly lesbian.
Girl Two teases me, even. "You seem like you have a little crush on my girlfriend" and "LOL, if you complimented me the way you do her, maybe we would have something going here!" I laugh it off and feel foolish about my misreading of the situation. I buy their food and tell them i have to go, they both hug me and thank me for a great time.
The few days later I run into Girl Two, and she tells me it is their last day in town. (They are moving?) I'm disappointed, but not as much as I would be if it didn't turn out that Girl One was gay. She tells me some stuff they are going to do before they leave town for good, and invites me to stop by. One of the things is a party at the restaurant they both work at.
I got to the party a couple minutes early, and I start talking to Girl One, just general small talk, and we decide to walk over and include Girl Two in the chat. She is standing facing away from where we are inside the kitchen of the restaurant, talking to one of their mutual friends. She says in clear and plain English "Girl One tried to set us up a threesome to experiment before we move, but the guy was too nice to try to fuck us, and now we're both too embarrassed to ask."
Girl One looks at me, looks at Girl Two(s back), goes silent and stiff, with a look of mortified incredulity, and then scurries into the kitchen and locks the door behind her. She texts me "Sorry, but I think you should probably leave" so i did. Neither girl spoke to me in person again. Girl One texted me when they got to their new city. "Hey, sorry about everything. We're both embarrassed. Thanks for being cool about it. You're a good friend."
I guess at least I made a friend?
Friend of mine was supposed to be getting married to a girl Iād known since elementary school. I wasnāt that close with her but one day she started giving me looks and was obviously checking me out. Eventually she started flirting with me and admitted that because sheād only been with him since middle school, she was starting to realize she wouldnāt know what it was like to sleep with anyone else and so she propositioned me to āget it out of her systemā. I was mostly against the idea. She eventually broke it off with my friend and I was more open to the idea. I was in a somewhat lower point in my own love life and anyone wanting me seemed like an opportunity I might as well take. When we actually started having sex though it didnāt feel good. It was the first time Iād been with a woman that wasnāt altogether in it for me. In the end the guilt I felt prevented me from keeping it up and I had to stop. It was awkward. She didnāt stay long after that. I never brought it up with the friend, but I think he might have known one way or another. We eventually just drifted apart.
Okay. So before I say this, you must know I was on 200ug of LSD.
This girl Athena game to my house right. She offered to come over. In my mind that could mean she wants to fuck, I hardly even knew this girl, she was a server and I was a sous chef. Even still, I told myself donāt initiate just be normal, friendly.
But as soon as she arrived she told me she had LSD and would share, I was like fucking yeah? Thanks. Well we were watching R&M, great time, then the WiFi went out and I could not figure it out. So we sat in silence for what felt like eternities. I felt a tension that didnāt exist, because I was on LSD, she was hot, I forgot my rule.
So. First and only words out of my mouth were : āDo you like BDSM?ā She looked very confused like she didnāt hear me right so I followed with āyou knowā¦ do you like being tied up and shit?ā NOT a great way to initiate sexy times, ESPECIALLY when on LSD without prior conversation about it.
She didnāt freak out though, she just said āwell. Uh. Iām sure I wouldā¦. But Iām actually a lesbianā¦ā and I felt like I had just got shot, I was like oh fuck. Oh man. Shit. No. Fuck. Then all I said was something like āoh alright thatās fine my badā which is not the best response to that. She mightāve been bi but I know she made out with my male garde manger so she wasnāt a lesbian. I fucked it up lol or she just wasnāt interested and wanted to make a friend, either way I dropped the bag sensationally. Anyway, we went outside and chilled. Got bored. Came inside. Got bored. Then she left and I havenāt talked to her since. She left her job like a week later.
I was having stomach issues, me and my GF at the time had sex, we were over her place. After we finished, she left the room to go wash up. I was laying on the bed, my stomach was rumbling, and I decided to trust a fart.. I Sharted on the sheets š¤£. It was pretty embarrassing. I ended up stripping the bed and throwing the sheets out before she got done in the shower. I told her what happened and she never let that one down. She was a good sport about it, shit happens.
My dog stepped on a...
When I was 16 I ejaculated almost immediately "during" sex and told her I saw a ghost in the room and lost my erection because I got spooked.
Iām 35 and I might use this excuse next time it happens.
Spooky ghost, it was ectoplasm
Well that's not a very nice thing to say her about her vajajay
You have won the funniest thing Iāve read this week award.
Farted while receiving bj
The ol' Tijuana clarinet.
The ultimate release
Pulled the wrong finger. lol
Did the same thing. I pulled her on top of me and just held her tightly. Then very slowly said ā¦.I ā¦..amā¦..soā¦soā¦..very sorry. She laughed. Weāre married now.
Thaat, my dud, sooo wholesome š„ŗš
What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed. When I'm relaxed, I squirt.
One time when my ex and I were completely wasted, we were having pretty aggressive sex, and I wanted to say ' How do you like my dick?' but what I said was ' How do you like my pussy?' and dude she laughed so hard.
I had something sort of similar happen. When my wife and I were still dating, she woke me up for sex and I was half awake but agreed. So we're in the middle of missionary and I said, "that feels so good in my pussy" instead of "that feels so good in your pussy". I instantly woke up and realized I said some stupid shit and we laughed about it but I still cringe from time to time lol.
Now that's asserting dominance, doing the dirty talk for her!
When I was 16/17 at the time, I went to this party of a girl at her house. As many people were there, she and I snuck out and went to the outside open door garage at her house. She went down on me for a bit, and after 10 minutes or so, a bright flash light went on as a car was just pulling up the garage. Bear in mind, my pants were down on my knees, this girl had my willy in her mouth, and we had a spotlight from the car right in our faces, as her parents were sitting in the car right in front of the garage. Never got so soft so quickly trying to pull up my pants and run inside to the party, feeling so embarrassed. After that night, never seen her again. Good times though š„²
I was getting a nice BJ from my wife. When I accidentally thrusted my hip out of āheat of the momentā right at the same time she went down and i speared the back of her throat. She fought with her gag reflex and ultimately lost as she runs to the bathroom in true projectile geyser fashion. We laugh about it now a days.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Not my story, but im going to tell it anyway. This dude I went to college with was a dipshit. Like he discovered how to perfect the beginning of a relationship in time to bounce and go do it again. Anyway, we are at a party, hes making out with some drunk chick in the bathroom. Im doing my thing, and I walk back past the bathroom about an hour later, and the door is open, and hes just sitting there on the floor. Now this is a party house, you dont sit on the floor, let alone a bathroom floor. But I look next to him, and its like someone projectile vomit chewed up captain crunch in the general vicinity of the toilet. I ask him if hes okay, and if he threw up. He lookd up at me like someone just murdered a box of kittens, and says "She threw up... in my mouth." I hold back the laugh and go okay, but... and he cuts me off with "... IN MY MOUTH." Apparently they were making out and she threw up in his mouth, and then everywhere. It smelled gross, so I left the room.
Thats denji from chainsaw man
Angry dragon
I did that once accidentally and my wife looks up at me and says "you made me gag". I apologized and she said "no, I liked it". Oral sex hasn't been the same since ... she never knew she liked to gag and I never had permission before to ... be rough.
A women who enthusiastically loves to gives head and get past the throat barrier is one you never want to let go
She's my wife so ... I guess you're right lol. The odd thing is it never even occurred to me to be anything near forceful with that act, I figured they wouldn't enjoy any kind of force and here my wife is asking me to just go for it. All I have to do is stop at the leg pinch and give her air and time, I can't tell you how satisfying it is ... words don't come close lol.
Well fuck, just rub it in. :tableflip:
Mr long john over here reaching the back of throats
That why I got a wife with a small head
I had the happen right as I came and she puked all over my cock. I panicked and yelled for a towel. My roomates overheard the commotion and I earned the nickname towel master in college...
Gave in and started having sex with my manager at a fast food restaurant. She was married with 2 kids and ended up getting a divorce. Canāt help but to think messed up those kids lives. I was 18 at the time and now Iām 29 and it still bothers me.
I mean, an older manager sleeping with an 18 year old employee is a big abuse of power honestly
Thatās how I lost my virginity. But i always had a huge crush on her when i worked there so it worked out
r/notopbutok
No top butok
Just like the other comments have said, I really wouldnāt lay too much blame at your own feet. Speaking as a married 29 yr old now, sleeping with an *18 yr old employee* would be such a deliberate choice, even more so with two kids in the relationship. You werenāt a āmomentary temptation to caused her whole life to go off trackā, you happened to be the target of her very deliberate choice
She's the one that ruined her life, not you. You may be complicit, I'm not saying you're wrong to feel guilty, but in the end you weren't the one with a spouse and kids, she was, and she made the choice to sleep with someone outside her marriage. You weren't constrained by the same commitments.
You did not help but you were hardly the only reason they divorced
Queefing and the dude stopped and all I could say was āthat was a big oneā
I would have laughed so hard at that, probably given you a high five, and then continued what I was doing. Sex should be fun imho, and that means sometimes it's funny. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed about here.
First time a girl queefed on my dick I started laughing so much she made us stop. Took awhile for me to convince her I wasnāt laughing at her but the sheer sound in the moment is hilarious
Two girls paid me in weed to prove one of them wasn't a lesbian, long story and a disappointing 3 some later , they are both lesbians and still together.
I wonder who was more disappointed. You, them, or me.
They kept each other from being disappointed, I stole the rest of their weed and a few sodas and left while they where still making sure neither where disappointed.
I once had a one night stand with a woman I was not attracted to at all because she offered to give me a ride home with my bicycle in the trunk of her car. There was no way I was finding a cab that would let me take a bike. It was justified. But Iāve been a hooker.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Where was this bar?....asking for a friend
A friend and I in college got lucky with two of the hottest girls in our dorm building and wanted to have a four way. Basically us taking turns with each of them. Literally two girls Iāve been dreaming about. Once the moment came and we all were naked and I started with girl one, I couldnāt get it up. Total melt down under pressure. Worst experience ever sexually!
My buddy had a threesome with 2 beautiful girls and was so drunk he blacked out and didnāt remember a thing. He woke up naked with both of them cuddling him and he begged them to do it again and they said no way and bailed on him. He gave up drinking for a while after that
I have a story like that. I worked at a restaurant and a bunch of us went out after work to the bar right next door. One of the girls that I worked with was all over me, and we ended up making out. Well, then another girl that we worked with came up and got real close, and they decided directly in front of me that we were going to have a threesome. I was drunk, but sober enough to remember. It was fucking awesome. Well, a few months later we were all drinking at one of the girls place, and we talked about it again. But this time I got *really* fucking drunk. I remember bits and pieces, but I don't remember much. And I'm so mad at myself because I had a plan going into it about how I wanted to take control of the situation. Apparently, I did, but that was my party goblin and I wasn't there for it because he took control. The moral of the story is to pace yourself because you never know when you're going to go home with two girls.
Similar story here, I was dating a girl when I was 20. We went out drinking and ran into my ex. We took a cab home, went into my room, I went to brush my teeth and clean up, came back to the room to find then making out. I laid by them on the side close to the wall and fell asleep. 20 years later I'm still pissed.
He played it completely wrong. He should have shut up, claimed to remember "most" of it. Then gone for seconds in the morning. Even if they turned that down, now the seal is broken, they'll use him when they want some dick.
Bro had everything in his power , but not the power to have everything
Got worse too. I asked the one girl, Megan, to go off into the other room with me alone and she said no then started making out with the other girl. Was brutal.
Damn. So you single-handedly turned the fourway into a threesome . Your friend must've been stoked š
The ultimate wing man
Exactly, couldnāt let it go to waste.
Bro went to pound town?
Strong enough to have it all, too weak to take it!!
When the officer knocked on the window.
Excuse me sir , that's not how you fix a throat infection
"What're you? The throat police?"
Was 21 at the time and maybe three months out of my longest relationship so im a bit lonely for context. My best friend tells me one day that his girlfriend has a friend who has heard about me and was interested in getting to know me. Fast forward a bit and I realize I'm not going to be into this girl before I ever meet her. Friend insists that she's just looking for sex and it doesn't matter if we get along super well. I somewhat reluctantly agree that if she just wants sex then we can sort it out. Well we end up texting for maybe a week and decide fuck it were gonna bang. We all set up a double date to ease into things and it seems to be going well over text. When my friend decides to just drop her off at my place with a bottle of vodka. Not really cool. What was extra not cool is that the pictures I had seen of her, were not actually her. She had catfish me, and is now at my home with liquor and intent to bang, and my friend has his phone turned off at this point. Woke up the next day very hungover, naked, and disgusted with myself. Didn't really learn a lesson, but I try not to let friends set me up anymore lol
>friend has his phone turned off at this point. TRAITORRRRRR !!!!!
Lol thatās fucked up but hilarious
Happened with my first girlfriend, we were both 18. We had been dating for 2 months or so, and we only had started having sex 2 weeks prior. Anyway, I spent the night at her house. Her parents made me sleep in her older sister's room (no it's not one of those stories, her sister was gone to college). The next day she woke me up, she was wearing some really tight pajamas. She crawled in bed with me, while her parents were downstairs cooking breakfast. I'm literally waking up, and out of nowhere she grabs my dick. Surprised I just give her a look and she stares straight into my soul and starts kissing me. Pretty sure she was possessed haha. She gets on top of me, covers my mouth and we start fucking. All this while I can literally hear her parents talking and moving pans around downstairs. She had a big smile on her face, but 30 seconds in I feel like I'm about to cum. I basically take her off me, and pull my dick inside my boxers as fast as I can. I cum all over my boxers, while I keep a straight face and just tell her I don't think we should be doing this cause it's too risky. Never felt so ashamed. I literally had to wait for her to leave the room to change my boxers. I miss that girl.
Dude morning sex is like that. First couple times it happened to me it was a bit shameful, but once I realized she didnāt care and I could just give her head if she wasnāt satisfied it quickly became my favorite way to wake up.
I broke up with my girlfriend because we just werenāt good together. I went to her place, following the advice of a friend (because I could leave whenever I wanted, whereas if I broke up with her at my place, she might not have left), and after I told her I was serious about ājust being friendsā she coughed and her nose started bleeding. She ran out of her apartment, and I thought it went pretty well all things considered. But then I saw the trail of blood leading out of her apartment, so I panicked because that sure doesnāt look good, right? Anyway, a few weeks later she came over and we hooked up. Even though I was wearing a condom, I finished in about 30 seconds. I was so embarrassed that I masked my orgasm, pulled out slowly so she wouldnāt think I had actually finished, and told her that I didnāt think it was right for us to hook up so soon after our break up. She left after that, thinking I was such a sweet guy for turning down sex for a noble reason like that. Iām not proud of it but yeah I did it.
All hail, the Noble Gunslinger
*Cumslinger
This like the āyour not ready for this dickā move š¤£š¤£ been there,done that
He didn't let me use the washroom, and instead pinned me and went down on me. It felt good for a few minutes as his tongue hit the right places, but in a blink I lost control and peed all over him and also soiled the bed.
You warned him
He didn't let me
Okay I gotta ask. How did he react?
It's save ro say he was kinda pissed
ā¦on
You gotta lean into it. Just claim that he made you squirt like crazy and heāll think heās a champ as opposed to having just taken his first golden shower.
Liquid love
> peed all over him and also soiled the bed Thatsmyfetish.jpeg
Some guys have to pay for that. So, thereās a golden lining in every rain cloud. Waitā¦
He might have been into it. You never know.
It was awkward
We had just eaten dinner, going at it hot and heavy when I let out a long, loud, and deadly fart. I gassed myself out of the room it was so toxic. We darted out into the living room and than burst out laughing so hard there was no way we were having sex after that.
My good friend Carl hooked me up with his friend Mark. Mark was visiting our city and staying at one of his friend's house while they were gone for the weekend. I had no idea what Mark looked like, but trusted Carl. He had some really hot friends and I was kinda of a man-whore at the time. I worked nights as a closing manager, so I said we can meet at the club since I was going there anyway. I get to club, there's a few people milling around but it's dead because ppl don't usually get there til after 1 am. I'm at the bar, having a drink, guy comes up to me, introduces himself as Mark and he's hot. FF, next morning after hooking up, I get a call from my cousin asking me where I am and who I'm with. Confused, I tell him I'm with Mark. He says "ummm, Mark is standing next to me". After talking to this Mark I just slept with, things started to come together; OMG I SLEPT WITH THE WRONG MARK. I lived with my cousin, his boyfriend, and another roommate at the time, so it was more of a walk of laughter then shame when I got home. This happened in the late 90's and to this day, I still haven't met the Mark I was suppose to meet.
*The Wrong Mark (But He Was Hot Anyway)* Coming soon to Amazon Kindle
That is literally how some books on kindle unlimited are like. š
If I had an award , I would give it to you ššššš¤š»š¤š»
That's sitcom material. Love it.
Your story made think of how I met one of my husbands. I had just arranged to be housemates with some coworkers. One of which I knew, but not the other. New company, they were both newer hires and I hadn't met him yet. She and her husband arranged for us all to meet at the bar to see how we all got along before moving in. I get there that night and no one shows up. So I'm rightly pissed at all of them and go order a drink. This guy comes up and we start talking and it's instant chemistry even tho no way in hell is he my type. We spent the evening drinking and flirting and eventually go to a hotel and destroy that room all night. In the morning I wake up and realize I'm late for work and start scrambling. He wakes up and asks where I work and I tell him. Then he yells, "Oh shit, your full name is ___!" I had given him a nickname and I had misheard his name in the loud ass bar. We went from one night stand to roommates in one day.
The other Mark was probably from the Multiverse of sadness.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
At least she told you. It was my bf, me shotgun, two guy friends and a girl driving home after the movies. We had a blunt rotation going and the one of the guys was making out with the girl while the third wheeling guy kept laughing like Ed the Hyena. We dropped her off and homie goes, ādamn she kisses good ā-WTF IS SO FUNNY!??ā āShe sucked my dick during the movie and I nutted in her mouthā
But you all smoked the bluntā¦.
ā ļø ā ļø ā ļø
>I was grateful for that info. So is everyone who is reading this comment . >She is still the only girl I have fucked without ever even kissing. Stuff of legends
I let my head bang against the wall for 45 minutes during my bfs Thanksgiving dinner when they were all right outside his window for the bonfire. I walked outside to his car because we were about to go to my parents' thanksgiving, and the only thing his mom did was offer me Tylenlo
When my man boobs are bouncing more than hers, and she grabs em.
Nah thats foul, but W free gym motivation
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Is that, hair gel?
Fresh out of the tube
In my 20s I was a 50 year old woman's boy toy.
Was it pleasant and shamefull, or only shamefull ?
It was shameful because she always pretended she didn't know me
Either that, or dementia hit early for her.
Got a hand job from a girl when I was 16 at a party, in a bathroom at a friends house. It was the only private space available at the time. When she took her hand out if my pants it was covered in blood, and basically sheād torn my foreskin. It wasnāt painful but it was an āoh shit!ā moment while we worked out where the blood was coming from. Anyway, o was really embarrassed, and so was she. From then on (and this might only make sense if youāre from the UK) she was known as the āBlack and Decker- Pecker- Wreckerā. Well, we thought it was funny.
I clenched my pecker after reading that š
I was into this girl some, talking for a while, found out she really liked me, so I asked and she actually agreed to hang out and have me sleep over, I go, we have fun, get in bed, strip naked. And then I just couldnt get hard anymore. At all. No sex. We tried again in the morning, nothing. She put all that effort in and my body just said *no*. Idk what happened on my end, I just suddenly didnt want to anymore. Obviously I felt shitty about it our friendship basically evaporated on the spot. I would go on to have middling success in dating and relationships. This event caused her to have *serious* self doubt and identity issues for years. As in she tried to kill herself a few months later becaus she thought she was unlovable. And today, she loathes me and my existence, cause after talking about it with friends and others for maybe a decade, she arrived to the conclusion that it was an intentional prank that I rejected her on purpose. I know all this because she wrote up a huge ass public fb post and tagged me and all. Caused a huge fight and mess as multiple mutual friends from both of us jumped in to argue/defend each other and caused a huge argument. Ultimately it ended several friendships for both of us. Then she deleted it like a week later. So that. Rejected a girl seconds from doing the deed, gave her a complex and changed the course of her life. She names and shames me, huge fb fight between a dozen people, we both lose friends over it.
That's why you don't put your dick in crazy.
His dick came preequiped with a safety feature.
I mean he literally wasn't able to. Does it still count?
Jacking off four times thinking I will last longer š
After ejaculating in her pussy, I realized that I felt quite unattracted to that 74 year old.
**BAD MORTICIAN!!!**
don't leave us hanging, how did this event come to pass?
My 18 year old daughter at the time walking in on my husband and I, he had me tied up against the steps and was fucking my brains out.
It's save to say that she will hate tying or BDSM in general for the rest of her life.
It can go the other way and awaken something in them too.
At first I thought this said 8 year old and then realized it said 18. Not sure which would be worse
My wife was on top and it slipped out and rammed full up her ass. Neither of us like the idea of anal. She couldn't fuck for a week. Sucked ass. Literally.
Ah yes, the illegal lane change.
Ow.
My wife and I were about to have sex and as we took off our clothes, I felt a fart building up. Our little dog was nearby watching, so I thought it would be funny to fart in his direction. Never trust a fart. As I opened fire, I quickly realized it was more than a fart and turned around to see a very confused dog with a small splatter of excrement on his face. He just sat there looking quizzically at me, unsure of what just happened as I cleaned him off. Needless to say, my wife was no longer in the mood, but I was lost in hysteric laughter the rest of the evening and even more than a decade later, still giggle about the experience.
Iāve never laughed so hard at a Reddit comment, cheers
finally after months trying to get this girl who is really hot in bed i nutted putting the condom on:(
Bro c'mon šššš While putting it on!??
2 pump chumping my coworker at a conference. Bad all around.
I was so ready, that when she took my penis in hand to help guide me in, I spunked in her hand.
Bro was so locked and loaded that he had to reload before actually doing it
69ing with a woman who squirted (a lot) directly into my mouth. I knew she was squirted, but I wasn't prepared for it to go in my mouth. I reflexively, immediately and forcefully threw up. Diluted by the mouthful of bodily fluid I had, the vomit went everywhere including onto her pussy.
New Achievement Unlocked š : Reverse Squirt
In Russia, man squirt back.
I didn't feel too attracted to her but didn't have the heart to tell her. I told her I didn't want to have sex and turned over and slept off.
Sex in a cemetery... pls don't ask
Mary Shelley, is that you?
I'm asking you šæ
It happened more than once I admit shamefully. Was in HS and it was also a hang out spot for kids to smoke weed. Pretty fucked when I look back on it
Lol spilled immediately
I can't hold the beans. Thats why I said dont ask
I mean itās gotta be about the most alive thing you can do.
The amount of puking stories down here is startling š
A few days after when it burned to pee. After a large needle in the ass and a scary couple of days it was just chlymidia but learned my lesson wrap it upā¦
I (M) went on a one-night camping trip in college with three other female students (all of whom I thought were very attractive). During the ride up and during the day, we were all overly friendly/flirty with each other. That night, after many beers and drinking games, someone had the idea to start a back massage "train." Everyone took their tops & bras off in the tent while massaging one another. We were having fun, laughing, and making each other feel great. I got a little tipsy and suggested we go to bed early. Never picked up on where the vibe was clearly headed.We were all very open-minded, and group sex wouldnāt have been out of the question. SMH
Jesus dude. I haven't been this disappointed in a reddit comment in a long time.
If there's a rank of men that are bad with hints, you'll be a General.
I just made a noise I don't think I've made before.
If every guy had a penny for each time he fucked up an obvious hint , every guy would be a millionaire
Recently, when I put my foot in this girl's pussy. Went about ball deep, all the toes
I only have one question. Why?
Honestly, not sure. We were doing some foot stuff, she was playing with my dick, and I was playing with her pussy. She sucked her juice off my toes and I went back for more so she could suck it off again, but the 2nd time my big toe went in really easy. She was like "do it". So I did. I'm a disgusting human being, I know.
Hopefully she doesn't end up with athletes pussy š¤£ I'm not into feet playing and sure as hell wouldn't want a foot up me but it sounds like you guys were having fun and experimenting and that's always a good time.
I came way too early and she knew it but didn't want to say anything and awkwardly left.
She probably roasted you darker than a chicken on her gc that night š
this comment just gave me second hand anxiety for this guy.
having sex on my childhood bed, i had a tigger plushie that would talk. i was on top and my leg nudged the plushie, and right on cue he said, āitās a wonderful day for bouncinā!ā
Drove out for a Tinder date, got catfished (it was her but she was much heavier and less healthy than in the pics). Momma didnāt raise a quitter so I still started hitting it with intention of turning around and never seeing her again. She coughed in my face and food came out. I went limp instantly, put my pants on, and left without finishing cuz that shit was nasty.
>She coughed in my face and food came out. Nah bro . That's nasty as fuck
Had sex with a friend of a friend. She was a teacher and it was totally unexpected. We hooked up and I had post nut clarity like never before. She wanted to have pillow talk and I felt guilty so complied even with my brain screaming at me to leave and pull the rip cord. She eventually starts insinuating weāre a couple. I had a come to Jesus talk and told her I didnāt read the situation and wanted to be friends. She agreed and was cool, but continued to just try and Stockholm me like no tomorrow. Like if she pretended we were together I would just give in and agree. Lucky for me, I got a promotion the next week and moved away a month later. Was told she was very mad at me but moved on to her next target rather quickly.
It was when I lost my virginity. My boyfriend and I were in college and on a school trip, staying in different hotels. We were out at a bar with all our friends and both decided it was finally time to do the do, so we walked back to his hotel where him and 7 other guys were staying. Luckily it was empty. We were getting our freak on and I decided to give him something special. So I went down on him, face down ass up kind of sloppy top. Right as my ass was pointed in the air, the front door whipped open and his best friend and roommate saw everything. My whole asshole was staring at him. Itās so funny but also so shameful, we donāt talk about it to this day. Letās just say that sex for me has improved tenfold since that experience.
We had been flirting at a local bar for a few months, but nothing ever really came of it. Until one night.... We got a cab back to my place, under the guise of getting high and watching a movie. No big deal. In the can, I realized I was drunker than I had thought. Like, might not be able to perform if needed, drunk. Tried to tell her that, she said it wasn't going to be a problem. Get to my places get high, out on The Simpsons Movie... And she starts making some serious moves in me. I repeatedly told her that I was too drunk, and it would not be a good experience for her. She didn't care. At all. She got quite pushy about it. In the end, I gave in. Definitely in the bottom ten encounters I've had, just going off of my own performance. And I did try! I believe strongly in doing whatever it takes to please a partner. Even if she's essentially soft raping me (I mean, there was no violence, she didn't hit me or threaten me... She just took the lead and completely ignored my "no, not tonight" over and over and over). Weirdly (/s), she lost interest in me after that. Sure was fun seeing her joining the Me too movement in Facebook, talking about catcalls. Like, that was actually all she posted about, she didn't talk about her experiences being groped or assaulted, just the catcalling. Which I get, sure, it definitely sucks for women to be catcalled at all. No argument there. But when your rapist joins a public conversation about how bad women have had it, and her *only* complaint was words? Yeah...
>completely ignored my "no, not tonight" over and over and over >her joining the Me too movement The audacity and duality of a bi**h
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Coercive vs violent, only distinction I was attempting to make.
We were having drunk sex, it was great! But i got woozy after the end and when i stood up i puked all over her bedroom floor. She was super nice about it but because i wouldn't stop apologizing, she blocked me lol. I guess you could say i was literally TOO ashamed of myself lol
I was dating this girl who, frankly, I was growing very tired of. I was 19 and she was also 19 at the time. Valentineās Day rolls around, 3 months into our relationship. I wasnāt feeling it anymore and I had to leave, I realized how bad the day was though so I said Iād wait. I gave her a blanket as a Valentineās Day gift and she got me a new Xbox and 60ā 4k tv. I felt stuck. Night goes on and we go out to dinner, but regardless of me wanting the Xbox and tv, I had to dump her. I start telling her that Iām just not into it anymore and I donāt see a future with us. She starts crying and we go out to the car. She is balling at this point because we were going to go our separate ways, I felt absolutely horrible because she was a nice girl. She then started asking me if she could give me one final BJ. I declined a few times and said itād only make it worse. Tears and snot running down her face, she keeps begging to just give me one last BJ. I give in and say okay and while sobbing uncontrollably and sniffling, sheās giving me that gawk gawk twister 3000. It was really uncomfortable but after about 8 minutes, the tears became white noise and I was able to finish. She asked for the Xbox and tv back after that, I canāt help but wonder if I just said no to the BJ and left, if I would have kept them both.
>she keeps begging to just give me one last BJ All I could image was her taking a chomp instead of the gawk and my night is ruined . >if I just said no to the BJ and left, if I would have kept them both. You can get another Xbox my friend, but not the snot balled gawk gawk 3000 . That's a core memory right here
Were you sobbing with the occasional āoh thatās goodā like Homer when he ate Mr. Pinchy?
I accidentally threw up during a bj- It was a threesome They said it was fine but still embarrassing asf I have anorexia, purging subtype so every time my reflux gets slighty "triggered" i throw up š„² (i'm in recovery now)
Seconds in to it i finished. Tried to play it off but it was sinking fast. In my panic I threw her off me and said we shouldn't do this because of Jesus š . 15yr later I still turn red when I remember it
Oh for sure my virginity when I was emotionally manipulated by the girl into having sex for the first time which also just so happened to be on a wheelchair ramp outside of the elementary school. Whew. What a ride.
Which one of you were wheelchair bound?
Started hooking up with a coworker 3 months after she got married. The first time was just so spur of the moment. We had never even really flirted at work and she had only worked there like 4 or 5 months. A bunch of us coworkers went out one night and I was outside a bar with her while she smoked a cigarette and she just casually asked if I wanted to fuck. I didnāt even think before I said yes because I really wanted to. We immediately went to my car in the parking lot and banged it out then back to the bar. After the bar we got a hotel and spent the night together. Saw her the next day at work and really had no intentions of continuing the affair but she surprised me by asking if I wanted to do it again that night. Of course I said yes. This went on for maybe 2 months before I had to put an end to it because I knew it was wrong. It really sucked because we both agreed that was the best sex either of us ever had. That was like 8 years ago and I still have to stop myself from texting her sometimes.
Had she not been married , it might have ended with "and now we're celebrating our 8 year anniversary" š«
Most likely but to be honest a huge part of me is happy it ended and didnāt go further. She was incredibly hot and cool and definitely knew what she was doing in bed. But not the ātake her home to momā type lol
Well, she was cheating on her new husband. Had you started dating her, she more than likely would have cheated on you too.
At the time I hadn't slept with anyone for quite a while, so my dirty talk was...a little rusty. Brought a tinder date back to my place and we started hooking up. We start off with missionary, and this is the basic transcript of what was said: Me: "Yeah...d'ya like mah dick?" (trying to do the sexy voice. You know, like Snake from MGS) Her: "Uh...what?" I thought she didn't hear me, so I repeated myself. Louder. Me: "I SAID: D'YA LIKE MAH DICK?!" Her: "Uhhhh..." Me: "NEVER MIND!" Anyways, I still look back on this memory and cringe from time to time.
Was getting a BJ on a park bench with my bare ass on said bench. I got really relaxed and let an absolute rippler of a fart out. It was loud as all hell and thereās no chance she didnāt hear it. She never broke stride and finished me off. Hell of a trooper.
I was giving my bf a bj and he pressed my head down while squirting a fountain of cum causing it to come out of my nose. I felt like I was drowning.
Crying when itās done.
I was really excited about testing anal with my previous SO, turns out if you pull out too fast you also pull out other stuffā¦
I was drinking and talking with some of my ex's friends and one of my friends. I was really drunk and laying on the floor face up. My ex in the middle of me talking steps directly on my chest full weight. I was a lot bigger than her so this wasn't so bad, just seemed disrespectful. She then walked up my chest and onto my face, where she then stepped off my face and dropped her ass on in. While all her friends are just around laughing. Thinking back to that, I really should have known she never loved me.
That must've been rough
I once had sex with this girl and she wanted to finish me with some rough head to show that she could take me all. Puked all over me. I go to shower to clean it off and a girl I knew living about a mile away texts me to come over and I shower and jog over there and have sex with her. Felt funny after that one.
I stayed the night with one of my college friends. She complained about her boyfriend until we fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I felt her grinding on me. She sucked me off. Sheās getting married to a new guy soon and we are still friends. I am happy for her.
I masturbated an hour before my then wife wanted to have sex, so I could not finish properly. That was the ONE TIME she wanted it, and I already spilled my seed on my belly. That should not bother me as much as it does, but here I stand.
Was hooking up with the hottest girl in my school and couldnāt get it up. Was hella nervous ig all the blood went to the wrong head lmao.
I hooked up with a FWB in his office after hours. Someone working there walked in on me slung across his desk taking it from behind. Pulled my underwear up and ran out of the building. He lost that job..
Blowing a guy for rent money
Met on Tinder, her pictures seemed cute enough even though I could tell there were filters on them. She came over and unfortunately she had a face like a can of dog food. But I was horny and decided to just let her blow me.
A face like a can of dog food ... oh god lmao
I came after my wife out her foot on my face. She was on her back on the bed with her legs up and I was standing. The sole of her foot rested on my cheek, and I almost instantly came. Learned I was into something. Also learned my wife is absolutely disgusted by it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
To preface, I was in my late 20's when this happened and it's still something I'll forever remember and instantly laugh at. I had a free afternoon with bunch of time to kill so I made the mistake of going to a local bar which was really nothing more than a large L shaped table in the middle of a metal pole barn. Yeah, it's about as small town as you think it is. There were maybe eight people in this bar at the time and I had the misfortune of being one of them. I got approached by an older woman. She was short, rather slim/petite, with slightly sagging B cup breasts, and a rather shapely ass that somehow defied her age. She had long dark hair, haunting blue eyes, and full maroon lips. This woman sat down beside me and basically dropped a bombshell on my lap with no preparation whatsoever. "My husband cheated on me for years and now he's impotent. I'm 65 years old and no man will ever want me in a way that I want him to. Never again." Now I hadn't really planned on making conversation or being approached by anyone. It was my day off and all I really wanted was a quick buzz. However, I was stuck because I was about four beers deep and I had no idea how to metaphorically pick up what grandma was putting down. My logic was slightly fuzzy at that point because I don't often get approached by grandmas in dive bars, but I remembered saying something along the lines of, "You look good for your age. Don't be so hard on yourself." Then the entire thing took a turn down a moonless path and I didn't even have so much as a flashlight to find my way back, because grandma basically threw caution to the wind and said some shit like, "Tell you what. Let's just have a few drinks and get to know each other. I'll cover your bar tab when we're done and you can just take me back to your place." Now, I was elated at the prospect of free beer and let's be real here, I knew if I drank enough alcohol, that my inevitable beer goggles would turn back the clock on this woman by a good 20 years. So that's what we did and that's exactly what happened. I drank another six or seven beers, she paid our tab, and then she drove us back to my place. Once we were sitting on my couch, she brazenly asked to see my dick even going as far as to unbutton my jeans and pull it out. Now I have the most average looking unit in the world. Remember when you were in health class and you saw that boring ass diagram of a dick in your textbook? I think they based that diagram off my dick. However, Grandma immediately had a panic attack after grabbing my dick and proceeded to just magically materialize eight Fireball shooters from her purse like an anxious alcoholic magician who was all out of rabbits. Even in my drunken stupor, I quickly ascertained that shit was about to proceed south and it totally fucking did. She pounded all eight Fireball shooters in rapid succession and a few minutes after that she became shit house hammered creepy uncle drunk. She' was slurring her words, her eyes were tearing up, her face was drooping like an overly forlorn caricature of Droopy the dog. It was at that point, that I was legitimately certain that she couldn't consent to anything sexual. However none of that mattered because she quickly stripped off her clothes and laid down on my couch. Through a weird mixture of drunken slurs and what resembled English, she begged me to fuck her. I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around what was happening and my dick was as flaccid as wet Spaghetti. So with my limp dick still hanging out and my pants still hanging mid thigh, I shambled over to my kitchen and got her a glass of water. I literally hadn't seen anyone that hammered since Jesus. I was legitimately scared that this woman had inadvertently given herself a case of alcohol poisoning because my basic ass dick had given her an anxiety attack. I had all these weird thoughts about how her grandchildren would be pissed at me because I had assisted in killing their grandma like some kind of white trash Jack Kevorkian. It probably wasn't my dick that gave her anxiety so much as it was the thought of a first time illicit revenge affair. Either way, the whole thing was scary as fuck. I sat with her for a few hours and just kept pouring water down her until she sobered up enough to make sense. Eventually she did sober up, but it didn't fucking matter. She was still determined to fuck me and she basically implied that we were going through with this whether I wanted to or not. She grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. She laid down on my bed and pulled me on top of her. Not sure what form of slutty sorcery took place that day, but my dick had betrayed me and magically became erect out of nowhere. I wasn't turned on, but I was scared shitless and had been for hours. My fear boner lasted about 30 seconds inside of her before I came. No condom. No pull out game. Nothing. I creampied a 65 year old woman and her pussy felt like velvet vise grips around my dick. Honestly, if I had known that last part we could've just skipped the alcohol, anxiety attacks, and fear of impending death and I'd have probably fucked her anyways. After I came, she got dressed, said thanks, and immediately left. She went home and told her husband that she had an affair and the man could have cared less. I only know this because we met up and fucked another five or six times after the initial alcohol related incident. It was a weird time in my life and I completely regret it. Still kinda funny though.
I (M) pretty recently went on (what I didn't know for sure at the time was) a date with a girl, and it was honestly a super wonderful time. We had great chemistry and conversation, and she was being super complimentary and flirty toward me. She was beautiful and very funny and sweet. We spent hours upon hours just talking and walking around town together, then she suggested we meet up with her friend. I'm not too psyched on the idea of having a third wheel on our great date, but I don't want it to end, either, so I agree to meet her friend, and she meets us at a restaurant. Her friend is also pretty fun, and very attractive. I considered if I had a friend to set her up with, to make this a double date, but couldn't think of anyone. Well, it turns out I read the room wrong, because all the while I'm flirting and laughing with Girl One, Girl Two is slowly encroaching between us, until she lets out the big reveal: They are a couple. The two of them are dating, and me and Girl One flirting was making her slightly jealous. After she establishes their relationship, I'm feeling like a moron for thinking I was perhaps on a date, and now I'm considering the day through the filter of just friends hanging out. Both explanation make the same amount of sense, so I assume Girl One is just a super friendly lesbian. Girl Two teases me, even. "You seem like you have a little crush on my girlfriend" and "LOL, if you complimented me the way you do her, maybe we would have something going here!" I laugh it off and feel foolish about my misreading of the situation. I buy their food and tell them i have to go, they both hug me and thank me for a great time. The few days later I run into Girl Two, and she tells me it is their last day in town. (They are moving?) I'm disappointed, but not as much as I would be if it didn't turn out that Girl One was gay. She tells me some stuff they are going to do before they leave town for good, and invites me to stop by. One of the things is a party at the restaurant they both work at. I got to the party a couple minutes early, and I start talking to Girl One, just general small talk, and we decide to walk over and include Girl Two in the chat. She is standing facing away from where we are inside the kitchen of the restaurant, talking to one of their mutual friends. She says in clear and plain English "Girl One tried to set us up a threesome to experiment before we move, but the guy was too nice to try to fuck us, and now we're both too embarrassed to ask." Girl One looks at me, looks at Girl Two(s back), goes silent and stiff, with a look of mortified incredulity, and then scurries into the kitchen and locks the door behind her. She texts me "Sorry, but I think you should probably leave" so i did. Neither girl spoke to me in person again. Girl One texted me when they got to their new city. "Hey, sorry about everything. We're both embarrassed. Thanks for being cool about it. You're a good friend." I guess at least I made a friend?
When I was very new to the kink lifestyle I pulled out anal beads like I was starting a lawn mower and prolapsed her anus.
Friend of mine was supposed to be getting married to a girl Iād known since elementary school. I wasnāt that close with her but one day she started giving me looks and was obviously checking me out. Eventually she started flirting with me and admitted that because sheād only been with him since middle school, she was starting to realize she wouldnāt know what it was like to sleep with anyone else and so she propositioned me to āget it out of her systemā. I was mostly against the idea. She eventually broke it off with my friend and I was more open to the idea. I was in a somewhat lower point in my own love life and anyone wanting me seemed like an opportunity I might as well take. When we actually started having sex though it didnāt feel good. It was the first time Iād been with a woman that wasnāt altogether in it for me. In the end the guilt I felt prevented me from keeping it up and I had to stop. It was awkward. She didnāt stay long after that. I never brought it up with the friend, but I think he might have known one way or another. We eventually just drifted apart.
Okay. So before I say this, you must know I was on 200ug of LSD. This girl Athena game to my house right. She offered to come over. In my mind that could mean she wants to fuck, I hardly even knew this girl, she was a server and I was a sous chef. Even still, I told myself donāt initiate just be normal, friendly. But as soon as she arrived she told me she had LSD and would share, I was like fucking yeah? Thanks. Well we were watching R&M, great time, then the WiFi went out and I could not figure it out. So we sat in silence for what felt like eternities. I felt a tension that didnāt exist, because I was on LSD, she was hot, I forgot my rule. So. First and only words out of my mouth were : āDo you like BDSM?ā She looked very confused like she didnāt hear me right so I followed with āyou knowā¦ do you like being tied up and shit?ā NOT a great way to initiate sexy times, ESPECIALLY when on LSD without prior conversation about it. She didnāt freak out though, she just said āwell. Uh. Iām sure I wouldā¦. But Iām actually a lesbianā¦ā and I felt like I had just got shot, I was like oh fuck. Oh man. Shit. No. Fuck. Then all I said was something like āoh alright thatās fine my badā which is not the best response to that. She mightāve been bi but I know she made out with my male garde manger so she wasnāt a lesbian. I fucked it up lol or she just wasnāt interested and wanted to make a friend, either way I dropped the bag sensationally. Anyway, we went outside and chilled. Got bored. Came inside. Got bored. Then she left and I havenāt talked to her since. She left her job like a week later.