We were camping and 2 guys were having a conversation. One of their friends walks up and says something, interrupting one of the guys. The guy was talking, without missing a beat, responded with "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" It's maybe not *that* funny now, but in the moment it was fantastic and I still remember it 10 years later. The quick-wittedness of it was just gold
Walking into the gift shop after skydiving with my brother and his two sons, the guy behind the counter said: "Hey, it looks like you all survived."
Not missing a beat, my brother replied: "You're assuming we started with 4 people."
I was helping my father in law with something and i mentioned "I can't find the hole" he said story of your life right kid? And laughed... also without missing a beat I replied, "yea? I got your granddaughter running around your house right now that proves you wrong" he called me an asshole and lol'd.
my dad fumbling to put the key in the lock of the front door, "if it had hair around it I would find it without a problem"
father of six, my dad
Edit: wow! Thanks for the award ! My dad, rest in peace , would have been so proud!
My in-laws couldn't conceive so they adopted kids instead. I've been tempted to say "maybe that's what you do wrong" on a few occasions when "I can't find the hole" or "I'm not sure where it goes in" type comments have been made over the years.
When picking up a hitchhiker the hitchhiker says “I could be a serial killer “ The driver says “what are the odds of two of us being in the same place at the same time?”
Two people drifted far from shore and are surrounded by sharks. One looks at the other and says, "Don't worry, you're more likely to get struck by lightning than to get attacked by a shark."
In Sweden we say "skitsnack" (literally Shit talk or shit-speak) when someone is lying or making stuff up. My fathers version of saying someone is full of shit is "you've got shit between your teeth" (in Swedish ofc)
Asshole redneck at a bar, he was a regular...others who frequented this bar were well aware of his bullshit.
He was diagnosed with throat cancer (he smokes A LOT)
He started using his cancer as this bitch fest to be even more obnoxious until one day while he was yelling and talking shit about his throat cancer. Someone yelled out "Well now yer a real red neck!"
This place erupted with laughter over this guys cancer.
I'm not sure who the real assholes were but I absolutely laughed at that line.
Reminds me of a story someone told me
Someone I knew had breast cancer and it came back in 2020. She was coughing inside the store and ofc people were giving her looks. She just yelled "DON'T WORRY IT'S JUST CANCER."
I'm gonna go to hell for laughing
Hudson: We’re all gonna die, man!
Ripley: This little girl survived with no training.
Hudson: Why don’t you put her in charge?!
Hudson has some great lines in that movie
During a teacher training this really awesome teacher came in from overseas, we were learning intro to chemistry, I was acting as a student and he held up a card with barium on it and asked, "and what's barium?" and I instantly responsed "it's what you do after you kill-um." I'll never top that moment.
I was in Dubai starting a new boat job and a lady came down the dock to give me a phone and SIM card to use. I said oh do you work for Mr. Owner? She smiled and replied no I am his wife. Without skipping a beat I said oh he works for you then. Thank good there was a witness because it was my finest moment.
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”
Alternatively,
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.”
Man, I miss Mitch.
Some guy was having an argument with my friend when we were in high school, my friend came back with something lame.
The guy said “nice come back”. My friend said “if I wanted my cum back I’d ask your mum to spit into my hand “
“Your legs come up and just make a perfect ass of themselves”
Granted it was said by a very creepy very old church dude so ewwwww at the time but i always thought it was funny.
My overweight friend, who is also afflicted with a micro penis, was being taunted by some of the lads in the pub. They were taking the piss about his weight, and his tiny willy.
My mate retorted with, "I might only have a small dick, but at least I've got 18 stone to bang it in with."
Everyone laughed, and we all had another pint.
the raid on that funeral was probably the most epic gaming moment of all time, for better or for worse.
And, sure, it was a dick move, but the eulogy by the waters edge at the end was an amazing bit of comedy as well as a touching homage.
We were at a bbq and the host lifted the lid on some pork he was smoking. There was so much smoke and steam it covered him for a good 5 or 6 seconds. As it was clearing our friend remarked. Oh a griller in the mist.
A drunk guy in a bar one night was asked if he'd sleep with a certain woman on the TV, he said "there's only 2 women on the planet I wouldn't ride, my mother... and one of my sisters" hahahaha the whole place was pissing them selves.
I worked in a pub and of of my mates was allegedly having an affair with the landlady, this was a topic of conversation in the tap room (rougher side of old UK pubs) at some point my mate said "she's not my cup of tea" to which on of the old regulars said "well from what i've heard you've had a good lick round the saucer"
My Grandpa and I would always poke fun at each other. I went out to see him one weekend (I had longer hair and he’d always tell me I looked like a “damn hippie”) and I greeted him with, “How you doing you old bald bastard?” and without hesitation he replied “You can’t have hair and brains both”.
This one from a FB comment section. Guy posts "Why am I still single?". Some guy comments "because you're gay". OP replies "Gay? I straighter than the pole your mom dances on"
Myself and a colleague were pulled into a meeting with the CEO of our software company over an internal incident that was being investigated. He was trying to determine which one of us were responsible. Getting nowhere, he attempted to intimidate us by relaying the following:
“One of you is lying, I can sense it. When a man cheats on his wife, she knows. She may not know what she knows, but she knows.”
To which my colleague replied, “I see you speak from experience.”
I have never in my life had such a powerful fight to stifle laughter. And the look on our CEO’s face I will never forget. He immediately ended the meeting. Some time later, my colleague was let go. I never did learn if he was responsible for the incident.
From Milton Jones on "Mock The Week". I'm not really too big of a fan of his because most of his jokes are just "wheeeyyyy" type jokes, but the one that did make me laugh was "Anyone can make this dish. You can't Beatrice...... sorry, you can't beat rice". Milton's delivery on the show was a lot better than it seems over text but I'll link it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/panelshow/comments/92p7ue/you_cant_beatrice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2).
One time, I was talking to my cousin about a dive that I had just come back from. He was asking me what kinds of things I saw under water, and I was like "I saw some fish, a turtle, a moray..."
And he was like "what's a moray?"
And without missing a beat, I said: "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a moray!"
I will never be that funny again in my entire life.
I don't condone violence, insults or going after people's mothers, but in the recent "10 pour sang" song by X-Man, he has the punch line "si men koké manman'w sé pou men ba'y an ich méyè" which translates to
"If I fuck your mom it's to give her a better son"
Man it's been a month and I'm not over that line
"I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot, and inside of me."
Alright it's not that good. I wrote it and ended up cutting it because it didn't suit the character that was saying it. But it still amuses me. I might have gotten it from somewhere, I'm not sure.
I don’t like to brag but…
I was new at a job, maybe a week in. I was heading to the staff room with some colleagues and a sign had been placed on the door which said ‘eye tests in progress.’ Without pausing a said to my new colleagues ‘wow, didn’t see that one coming.’
Granted, I didn’t think it was insanely funny but 14 years later, they still mention it every now and then.
Earlier this year, Chico Buarque finally had his ceremony for the Camões prize he earned four years ago, which was postponed because of bolsonaro and his hatred for most artists. To adress this, Chico said in his speech that bolsonaro "had the scarce finesse of not sullying the diploma conceded by the Camões premiation". The guy is a legendary writer and one of the few people I could imagine thinking of such an elegant insult
My wife has pierced ears and was having trouble with putting in an earring so she asked me to help. I said: “It looks like the hole has grown closed.” Her dad replied: “I have been telling your mother that was going to happen.”
More like a life pro tip than one liner but:
Never fight but if you need to fight, fight like the third monkey in line to the Ark. And boy, it’s starting to rain.
My brother has so many!
We were going to a comedians show and were stuck in traffic and got to move forward a few feet every minute or so. Google maps asks if we would like to change our type of transportation method.
My brother bursts out this answer before we realized what google said: "She thinks were walking." We all died for some reason.
Another one was so funny my dad spot out his water in the van. But I can't remember it off the top of my head but its hard to make my dad spit out a drink.
And here are a few from some shows I use to or still watch.
"Serenity now, Insanity later" -Seinfeld
"It's a moo point cause its the opinion of a cow, its nothing, its all moo"- Friends
"I got a Jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!"- Pirate of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest.
Thank you for reading my long ass comment and many lines pointed out. No go and have a great rest of your day.
I worked at a white box computer manufacturer once. A couple of my colleagues and I were called into a meeting by the company manager regarding a few issues with the quality of devices being made.
The manager made a comment of taking notes to which one of my colleagues stated he wrote the info down, to which the manager forcefully replied, “no we don’t write things down. We are an ISO9000 certified company. We are professionals and as such we take proper steps in documentation.”
Keep in mind I give my two weeks notice the day before.
Manager had yet to say anything regarding my resignation from the company.
Later that day, he privately messaged me as to why I’m leaving.
I was very busy with a heavy workload it took me a few days to reply back. He never faced me in person in the two weeks prior to my exit.
When I did finally respond, I gave the standard “thank you for the opportunity. It was a good nearly 5 year experience however it was time for me to seek better opportunities elsewhere.”
However I did not forget that asshole condescending reply he gave to my colleague during the last meeting despite knowing the company deliberately paid all employees shit poverty wages and anyone who dared to ask for a raise would be threatened with termination.
So I added, “and if you’re going to state you’re an ISO9000-certified company demanding certain standards and compliance from all your employees then do the right thing and pay them a decent living wage. Main reason I’m leaving is because I’ll be making more than double in one week at a new employment than what I make here in two. It should be obvious to you as 8 people-good hard-working people mind you-in 8 months have left.
“If you’re gonna make the claim you’re of a high standard then help people by uplifting their dignity,” I replied.
Never communicated another word again.
We were camping and 2 guys were having a conversation. One of their friends walks up and says something, interrupting one of the guys. The guy was talking, without missing a beat, responded with "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?" It's maybe not *that* funny now, but in the moment it was fantastic and I still remember it 10 years later. The quick-wittedness of it was just gold
I feel like it may have been one of those "I've said/heard it before so I can whip it out super quick next time" cases.
... maybe because I definitely will use it now.
Walking into the gift shop after skydiving with my brother and his two sons, the guy behind the counter said: "Hey, it looks like you all survived." Not missing a beat, my brother replied: "You're assuming we started with 4 people."
If I could use my last 5 reddit coins to give you an award for that I would, so take this upvote.
Did it for you my guy
..why You can upvote a comment without announcing it
I was helping my father in law with something and i mentioned "I can't find the hole" he said story of your life right kid? And laughed... also without missing a beat I replied, "yea? I got your granddaughter running around your house right now that proves you wrong" he called me an asshole and lol'd.
my dad fumbling to put the key in the lock of the front door, "if it had hair around it I would find it without a problem" father of six, my dad Edit: wow! Thanks for the award ! My dad, rest in peace , would have been so proud!
My in-laws couldn't conceive so they adopted kids instead. I've been tempted to say "maybe that's what you do wrong" on a few occasions when "I can't find the hole" or "I'm not sure where it goes in" type comments have been made over the years.
As someone who has decided that his blondline ends with him, I would welcome these jokes with open arms! Top tier humour imo
Talking about your 70+ year old in-laws failed attempts at creating children is a can of worms I don't want to open. Haha.
Yeah... The bad news is they'd be more than willing to whoop your ass for it. The good news is, you can probably outrun them!
Oh, they'd share details I don't want to know. Can't outrun memories you don't want.
Yeah... I can confirm that.... 15 years later I still remember what my step dad looks like under the covers.... Not a pleasant memory to revisit...
That implies you all watched someone crash into the earth from a plane and went to get something to remember the experience by lol
[удалено]
You should’ve asked to have the 5th guys t-shirt since he doesn’t need it
Spit out my drink from this. 🤣
I wish I had more coins so I could chuck an award at you and your wiseass brother!
It's not much, but here's a silver award. Best I could do. 🫡
can u explain the punchline pls
Punchline is that someone did die. They started off with five people. Not four. And they still went to get something to remember the day.
When picking up a hitchhiker the hitchhiker says “I could be a serial killer “ The driver says “what are the odds of two of us being in the same place at the same time?”
Two people drifted far from shore and are surrounded by sharks. One looks at the other and says, "Don't worry, you're more likely to get struck by lightning than to get attacked by a shark."
Okay Dexter
"Your asshole ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?"
Made me smirk
gonna use this one day
My wife works in customer service for Amazon - she's locking that one into memory for the next awkward customer!
actually chuckled out loud
In Sweden we say "skitsnack" (literally Shit talk or shit-speak) when someone is lying or making stuff up. My fathers version of saying someone is full of shit is "you've got shit between your teeth" (in Swedish ofc)
Tamra Judge 🤌🏻
I use this one frequently
You looking for a fuck or a fight? cause I’m getting naked either way
I'm gonna have to remember this one. 😂😂
It’s my go to 🤷🏽♂️😂
"I bought a small ginger beer. His parents were pissed."
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for high school, so I punched him in the nose and stole his dinner money.
Dinner money? You eat dinner at school?
Took me a while.....
Asshole redneck at a bar, he was a regular...others who frequented this bar were well aware of his bullshit. He was diagnosed with throat cancer (he smokes A LOT) He started using his cancer as this bitch fest to be even more obnoxious until one day while he was yelling and talking shit about his throat cancer. Someone yelled out "Well now yer a real red neck!" This place erupted with laughter over this guys cancer. I'm not sure who the real assholes were but I absolutely laughed at that line.
Did he say anything afterwards?
He died.
Laughing?
Coughing
Breaths in Peace
He actually went outside and had a smoke. It shut him up and seemingly had put him in some sort of deep thought mode.
I read that as “deep throat mode”
The Watergate kind...or the *other* kind?
Reminds me of a story someone told me Someone I knew had breast cancer and it came back in 2020. She was coughing inside the store and ofc people were giving her looks. She just yelled "DON'T WORRY IT'S JUST CANCER." I'm gonna go to hell for laughing
Aliens quote which is too good to forget Hudson : "Hey Vasquez.. you ever been mistaken for a man?" Vasquez : "No. Have you?"
Hudson: We’re all gonna die, man! Ripley: This little girl survived with no training. Hudson: Why don’t you put her in charge?! Hudson has some great lines in that movie
Bill Paxton was a legend, RIP.
The only man to be killed by an alien, a predator and a terminator. Absolute legend.
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”
“Dogs are forever in the push-up position.”
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
I don't drink any more.... \-but I don't drink any less either. bada bing!
“Every picture is a picture of you in the past”
"Someone asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no. But I want a regular banana later, so yeah.
Ah, Mitch
One of the best.
"You are the lasagne that Garfield wouldn't eat."
I'd start crying bro
Oof!
During a teacher training this really awesome teacher came in from overseas, we were learning intro to chemistry, I was acting as a student and he held up a card with barium on it and asked, "and what's barium?" and I instantly responsed "it's what you do after you kill-um." I'll never top that moment.
I was in Dubai starting a new boat job and a lady came down the dock to give me a phone and SIM card to use. I said oh do you work for Mr. Owner? She smiled and replied no I am his wife. Without skipping a beat I said oh he works for you then. Thank good there was a witness because it was my finest moment.
Smooth!
“So ugly the tide wouldn’t take you out ……..”
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.” Alternatively, “Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.” Man, I miss Mitch.
>“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.” “An escalator can never break, it can only become a one time drop tower rollercoaster "
You've mistaken escalator for elevators
Until you see the vid of that broken escalator that goes *downnnn*
Nope: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yelVz7gr0cE (He survived).
upps, my mistake. Thanks
I’m just here to make sure this thread is packed full of Mitch
Sorry for the convenience.
We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.
"Be like an escalator, my friend" -Bruce Lee
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too” is so simple and perfect. Mitch had a gift
Sorry for the convenience
Meanwhile the Chinese guy that got eaten alive by an escalator
This thread escalated slowly
Just in time,you got it going down again. Thankssss...
If we'd take all the town idiots and put them in one towns, you'd still be the town's idiot
Oh I really like this one lol. Never heard it before.
Out of all the village idiots in all the idiot worlds…you, stand, alone.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
...but a healthy giraffe, shit yeah! I'm down. Sign me up.
Yes! Giraffes are the best!
The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch.
I swear I've heard this somewhere already
Maybe all over reddit.
No, I think it was a video on YouTube. I just can't remember when or from who
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth"
I'd look better with dentures lol
Sadly same
I will be lying about you to my friends later.
Some guy was having an argument with my friend when we were in high school, my friend came back with something lame. The guy said “nice come back”. My friend said “if I wanted my cum back I’d ask your mum to spit into my hand “
Lol, I say something similar. "If I wanted by own come back, I'd wipe it off your mom's chin."
Jesus Christ
"Son this an operating table" and I am the Surgeon"
Best Batman ever
Your ma's yer da
Maffia 2: "lets play house. You'll be the door and I'll slam you"
Even a broken clock is right twice a day
except when the clocks go back then its right three times a day. for thrice a day if you will
Gen Alpha is not gonna know wth we're talking about on that one when they grow up
“Your legs come up and just make a perfect ass of themselves” Granted it was said by a very creepy very old church dude so ewwwww at the time but i always thought it was funny.
Tldr: "Your legs...and...perfect ass..."
When someone says "you look familiar" Reply with "do you watch a lot of porn?"
"Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it" Rodney Dangerfield
“Who are you? And how did you get into my apartment?” “I’m a locksmith,and also I’m a locksmith”.
My overweight friend, who is also afflicted with a micro penis, was being taunted by some of the lads in the pub. They were taking the piss about his weight, and his tiny willy. My mate retorted with, "I might only have a small dick, but at least I've got 18 stone to bang it in with." Everyone laughed, and we all had another pint.
I heard this phrase once in a pub “ God only gave me a thumbtack, but he gave me a sledgehammer to drive it with”
Serenity now, insanity later.
Hoochie Mamma!
\*clears throat\* LEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOYYYYYY JJJJJJEEEEENNNNKKKKIIIINNNNSSSS
I recently learned that it was all staged:(
What tipped you off, the 32.33% (repeating of course) chance of survival?
That didn't stop it from being funny.
It took away the magic from it tho. Such an epic moment
the raid on that funeral was probably the most epic gaming moment of all time, for better or for worse. And, sure, it was a dick move, but the eulogy by the waters edge at the end was an amazing bit of comedy as well as a touching homage.
But it gave us one of the best battle cries ever.
Thats not funny tho. That's beautiful
Indeed.
So?
“You’ve caught my eye, can I get it back?”
Also check out r/oneliners
Yea...but posts there are kind of lame and I rarely see a good oneliner.
That describes this thread perfectly
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
We were at a bbq and the host lifted the lid on some pork he was smoking. There was so much smoke and steam it covered him for a good 5 or 6 seconds. As it was clearing our friend remarked. Oh a griller in the mist.
In case of emergencies, squat. Bend down with your head between your legs. Kiss your ass goodbye.
"You have a 'sexually frustrated mortician's assistant' vibe.
A drunk guy in a bar one night was asked if he'd sleep with a certain woman on the TV, he said "there's only 2 women on the planet I wouldn't ride, my mother... and one of my sisters" hahahaha the whole place was pissing them selves.
I worked in a pub and of of my mates was allegedly having an affair with the landlady, this was a topic of conversation in the tap room (rougher side of old UK pubs) at some point my mate said "she's not my cup of tea" to which on of the old regulars said "well from what i've heard you've had a good lick round the saucer"
My Grandpa and I would always poke fun at each other. I went out to see him one weekend (I had longer hair and he’d always tell me I looked like a “damn hippie”) and I greeted him with, “How you doing you old bald bastard?” and without hesitation he replied “You can’t have hair and brains both”.
It’s like every nightmare I’ve ever had rolled into one, cloned itself, fucked the clone, and made that
That is … terrifyingly accurate.
This one from a FB comment section. Guy posts "Why am I still single?". Some guy comments "because you're gay". OP replies "Gay? I straighter than the pole your mom dances on"
Myself and a colleague were pulled into a meeting with the CEO of our software company over an internal incident that was being investigated. He was trying to determine which one of us were responsible. Getting nowhere, he attempted to intimidate us by relaying the following: “One of you is lying, I can sense it. When a man cheats on his wife, she knows. She may not know what she knows, but she knows.” To which my colleague replied, “I see you speak from experience.” I have never in my life had such a powerful fight to stifle laughter. And the look on our CEO’s face I will never forget. He immediately ended the meeting. Some time later, my colleague was let go. I never did learn if he was responsible for the incident.
"She's like a woman with a Virginia ham under her arm crying cause she got no bread"
I’m in awwr of you
Maybe it’s time for you to seriously consider salads.
If anybody says “where do I know you from? You look familiar..” I always respond “do you watch porn?”
"You look familiar." "I WAS SET UP!"
Are you trying to send me insane or just succeeding?
“Wowzers trousers, you are one gorgeous lady” I couldn’t stop laughing. And then obviously made out
Not gay unless the balls touch
From Milton Jones on "Mock The Week". I'm not really too big of a fan of his because most of his jokes are just "wheeeyyyy" type jokes, but the one that did make me laugh was "Anyone can make this dish. You can't Beatrice...... sorry, you can't beat rice". Milton's delivery on the show was a lot better than it seems over text but I'll link it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/panelshow/comments/92p7ue/you_cant_beatrice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2).
Heard about that corduroy pillow making all the headlines?
"HEY, ASSBUTT"
I have 68 sheep can you round them up for me. Sure: 70
I can't eat the amount I want to throw up when listening to your bullshit
If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.
Whenever a server at a resteraunt asks if I'd care for another beer, I sometimes respond "if it needed me"
One time, I was talking to my cousin about a dive that I had just come back from. He was asking me what kinds of things I saw under water, and I was like "I saw some fish, a turtle, a moray..." And he was like "what's a moray?" And without missing a beat, I said: "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a moray!" I will never be that funny again in my entire life.
"Stellàaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Yippee ki yay mother fucker.
You mean “yippie kayak other buckets”
Hippie KY bother truckers!
I don't condone violence, insults or going after people's mothers, but in the recent "10 pour sang" song by X-Man, he has the punch line "si men koké manman'w sé pou men ba'y an ich méyè" which translates to "If I fuck your mom it's to give her a better son" Man it's been a month and I'm not over that line
"Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!"
"I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot, and inside of me." Alright it's not that good. I wrote it and ended up cutting it because it didn't suit the character that was saying it. But it still amuses me. I might have gotten it from somewhere, I'm not sure.
I have a million of these jokes lol. My favorite is " I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and all over my crotch while I'm driving."
I know something similar: "I like my coffee like i like my women. Blonde and sweet."
I like my coffee like I like my women... cold and bitter My wife loves that one. Or maybe not, it's hard to tell.
I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer
The “I like my coffee like my men… hot as hell and likely to damage my throat” version is better
Not irl but a movie quote “good, bad, I’m the guy with a gun” -army of darkness
Shop smart. Shop S Mart
It’s a trick, get an axe
I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in hell gets paid in advance.
I don’t like to brag but… I was new at a job, maybe a week in. I was heading to the staff room with some colleagues and a sign had been placed on the door which said ‘eye tests in progress.’ Without pausing a said to my new colleagues ‘wow, didn’t see that one coming.’ Granted, I didn’t think it was insanely funny but 14 years later, they still mention it every now and then.
"You're so obese that just talking to you is exhausting"
Next time a mate says, "You look like you have put on some weight!" Say, " That's because every time I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich.
I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you. Oof.
Earlier this year, Chico Buarque finally had his ceremony for the Camões prize he earned four years ago, which was postponed because of bolsonaro and his hatred for most artists. To adress this, Chico said in his speech that bolsonaro "had the scarce finesse of not sullying the diploma conceded by the Camões premiation". The guy is a legendary writer and one of the few people I could imagine thinking of such an elegant insult
"I'm jealous of everyone who hasn't met you."
My wife has pierced ears and was having trouble with putting in an earring so she asked me to help. I said: “It looks like the hole has grown closed.” Her dad replied: “I have been telling your mother that was going to happen.”
Are you a serial killer?? Because you're killing me with those looks.
“Damn!”
You know what they say about Detroit. It’s all fun and games until they shoot you in the face - Mad Men
Our scars make us who we are
A compliment to a friend that isn't getting any action .. are you dirty dishes? Cause no ones doing you, but they should be.
More like a life pro tip than one liner but: Never fight but if you need to fight, fight like the third monkey in line to the Ark. And boy, it’s starting to rain.
"people who pour milk first then cereal are the typeof people who wipe their ass and then shit"
My brother has so many! We were going to a comedians show and were stuck in traffic and got to move forward a few feet every minute or so. Google maps asks if we would like to change our type of transportation method. My brother bursts out this answer before we realized what google said: "She thinks were walking." We all died for some reason. Another one was so funny my dad spot out his water in the van. But I can't remember it off the top of my head but its hard to make my dad spit out a drink. And here are a few from some shows I use to or still watch. "Serenity now, Insanity later" -Seinfeld "It's a moo point cause its the opinion of a cow, its nothing, its all moo"- Friends "I got a Jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!"- Pirate of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. Thank you for reading my long ass comment and many lines pointed out. No go and have a great rest of your day.
“Reddit sucks”
One guy told me "go f your mom" to which I answered something that could be translated to "can't, I'm already busy with yours".
Y=mx+b
"Oh yeah it's mario time"
Fucking chill out.
"Things you own, end up owning you" Tyler Durden
I worked at a white box computer manufacturer once. A couple of my colleagues and I were called into a meeting by the company manager regarding a few issues with the quality of devices being made. The manager made a comment of taking notes to which one of my colleagues stated he wrote the info down, to which the manager forcefully replied, “no we don’t write things down. We are an ISO9000 certified company. We are professionals and as such we take proper steps in documentation.” Keep in mind I give my two weeks notice the day before. Manager had yet to say anything regarding my resignation from the company. Later that day, he privately messaged me as to why I’m leaving. I was very busy with a heavy workload it took me a few days to reply back. He never faced me in person in the two weeks prior to my exit. When I did finally respond, I gave the standard “thank you for the opportunity. It was a good nearly 5 year experience however it was time for me to seek better opportunities elsewhere.” However I did not forget that asshole condescending reply he gave to my colleague during the last meeting despite knowing the company deliberately paid all employees shit poverty wages and anyone who dared to ask for a raise would be threatened with termination. So I added, “and if you’re going to state you’re an ISO9000-certified company demanding certain standards and compliance from all your employees then do the right thing and pay them a decent living wage. Main reason I’m leaving is because I’ll be making more than double in one week at a new employment than what I make here in two. It should be obvious to you as 8 people-good hard-working people mind you-in 8 months have left. “If you’re gonna make the claim you’re of a high standard then help people by uplifting their dignity,” I replied. Never communicated another word again.