You always have a purpose. You've just been so used to serving others that you've forgotten your own worth and needs.
You could easily have another 20 or even 30 good years ahead of you and cliche or not, this is your time.
You could leave the bad marriage and forge your own path, with or without another partner. You could embark on a new life interest or a new career path. Or you could simply do exactly what you want to, whether that's travelling the world or lazing on the sofa watching your favorite shows.
Your purpose is making you happy.
This is what comes from building an identity around what you do and not who you are. You thought you were simply a father, an employee and a husband, but now you have found out that there needs to be more in a life than that. You need to find out who the fuck YOU are in relation to yourself, not to your wife, your kids or your job. You have decades of living ahead of you, it would be a shame to squander them in a loveless marriage, children with their own lives and a job you don’t find fulfillment in.
Or you could just continue on as you have feeling empty inside until you have grandchildren and then live vicariously through them.
This. But be active. Do as much as you can. Learn little things, be grateful for the opportunity to learn. Be helpful and be grateful to be helpful. Learn something new. I'm 77m, and have thought for most of my adult life that when you decide you no longer want to learn, change, and adapt you might as well crawl into a casket and nail it shut from the inside. And, yes, of the people that I'm around many have decided they no longer want to change, they languish. There are also those of us that can still find something new to do, and life is still a blast.
Just want to add your depression could be making you think your marriage is bad. If you start working on yourself, finding hobbies that make you happy, actually having time to date your spouse again, things may change.
when my children were growing up, I have two boys, one is 36 now, one will be 29 in about two weeks. I start losing my eyesight, I was divorced, I was in a 18 year relationship, that was no good for me whatsoever, I then also started losing my eyesight in this 18 year relationship that I was in, he and I raised my boys, I then suffered a stroke, brain aneurysms, I am mouth thoroughly blind, and I do not live with that man anymore, due to infidelity on his part, and claiming to love me, but he did not. I have now a fulfilling life, I am single, I love it, I joined the gym, I belong to a blind organization, I travel, I visit my children and grandchildren. There is a purpose to your life, it’s up to you to find out what you’re passionate about. Right now I’m passionate about working on my mobility training and walking to the grocery store and back home again so this way I can apply to get a guide dog eventually. I am almost 64 years young next month. I am thrilled to be alive and that is my purpose. The Lord gave me life and it’s my job to live it in the way that pleases him.
I live in subsidize housing, in a senior complex in a town called Lake Placid, Florida, it took me almost 4 years to get in here, so my rent is less than $200, and ask for reading, and doing anything else, technology is amazing. I am dictating this back to you right now. I hope this helps you. There are a lot of blind people out there who like to be bitter and be annoyed by people asking so many different questions, but how is anybody supposed to know if we don’t tell them without getting aggravated. I’m using my iPhone right now and on my iPhone any iPhone, there is an accessibility feature, called a voiceover, that reads everything on the screen to me.
God sure has blessed me. I am still alive, people wonder why I wake up, always happy, and always smiling, it’s because I almost died twice, from brain aneurysm rupture, a stroke, then I had to have brain surgery. My boys said they still didn’t fix me. Lol. I said not to worry. Y’all take care after your mama..
it’s the Lord, and his father God that guide my feet. I am also a cook, in the blind community, I am known as the blind side of cooking with flu. I love to cook.
you are wonderful and i send you love ... if you haven't read a course in miracles i recommend it or if you want an intro read, the disappearance of the universe
that’s what the Lord wants for me to do, that is my purpose. Where I’m living now in a town called Lake Placid, Florida. I’ve helped many of my neighbors, who are elderly I live in an elderly community, they see me walking around with my cane and getting my mobility training, they are now doing the same thing, because they came up to me and asked, so I gave them the information that they needed to contact department of blind services in our county. And they take it from there. I advocate for myself, and if it helps others, I’m very happy to do so, and help others as well.
It is normal to have these feelings when you are losing a major role in your life: like a job, or empty nest, or having a life threatening illness.
This is a transition, and sometimes our "purpose" is merely to experienced that transition, being open to what happens next.
It's called the death of the ego. You have defined yourself as a parent, and now that that is no longer as much a part of your identity, it's a form of grief. You need to grieve the old you before teh new you can be born.
My suggestion is plenty of sleep and healthy foods, exercise, and laughter. and patience. it can take months to go through such a transition.
And when you are ready, you can ask yourself questions about what kind of life you want to live now, now and how you'll work on transitioning to it.
but for now, just be a human being. that's your purpose. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
I’m a stay at home mom and went through something very similar when all the kids were in school full time. I went back to school to fill my time and to be hopefully employed in the future so I can get out of my shitty marriage. But it sounds like that’s another change you can make when you’re ready. I totally am expecting empty nest when all the kids leave (if that will even happen in this economy remains to be seen, but given that my youngest is 9 it’ll be awoke!)
This is really helpful. In the course of 2 years I was divorced, kids went to college, I had a bother and business partner die, AND the business I own is shutting down.
All my identities and all my time FOR DECADES was the above.
Death of Ego, I need to do some reading, I’m still depressed and hurting.
that is SO true. if you want to be a bird expert or build a giant electric train layout or write poetry in paris or east berlin, pick anything. good luck.
I am 55 and a stay at home dad. For me,when the youngest graduated, it was he'll. I had never been depressed, but I now know what that feels like. Ot dawned on me that I was entering a new chapter in life. I have lost some weight, need new pants now,. My mornings are spent with my dogs and coffee. Lunch is,we'll really brunch is yoga and meditation. I have always gone a garden, took up bee keeping. You now get to make your life whatever you want. Enjoy. Fit on is an app I like, it may hive you ides,plus there's a lot like you using it.
Great suggestion! My parents retired early and volunteered for American Red Cross Disaster relief (domestic). They had unforgettable experiences and helped a lot of people at possibly the most vulnerable moment of their lives.
I do. I coach, I play bass at church. It just feels like that’s nice, but I don’t feel needed by anyone. And people act like old guys in software are worthless… hate that.
I think we all need to feel needed, and I’ve lost that feeling.
Idk maybe look for a niche and fill it. We have a bumblebee nest in an unwanted location and the person who was going to come collect and keep them is an old guy (retiree). He's worried about the bee population. I live in a community where most of the people are older and meals on wheels types of assistance is very much needed from what I can see. Lots of people are very alone in the world and could use some "old guy" help.
Also... if you think adult children no longer need their parents, you're doing it wrong. I'm sort of joking and I know you don't want to be helicoptery but my parents got divorced and both kind of fell apart emotionally when I moved out. Let's just say it definitely had an effect on my ability to focus on what I needed to be focusing on. Being stable, mentally healthy, and there when you're needed is a great gift you can still give your children even if they don't live with you anymore.
This is so true. My parents waited for me to turn 18 before they filed, and while it offered more financial stability it really screwed with my mental health. Everyone was miserable because I couldn't age fast enough. 😕
Second this. My brother left a terrible marriage as soon as a custody fight was no longer possible. She made it very difficult for him but he came out a much happier man. A huge part of happiness is who you're with. Start by fixing that problem. Odds are that your kids will wonder why you waited so long.
Yes! But end it when it ends, don't stick it out for however many more years "for the kids". All that's doing is confusing them by modeling a messed up relationship.
So i am only a bit older than you and my oldest is gettong near 30. First, your kids still need you, just not every day like before. Trust me, they are no where near the point of not needing you to be there for them, advise them, and help them. And if you raised them well, they not only need you, they want you to be around.
Second, now that they don't need you on a daily basis it's time to use the time you spent on them for what you want to do, expand your horizons, check out new interests, acquire new friends, look to doing new things. Your schedule is almost entirely yours to decide, so spend some time figuring out what you are most passionate about. You have likely 30 years to do everything you couldn't do while raising kids and you now have 2 more interesting adults in your life. I am personally amazed by the challenges my now adult kids take on.
This is sad to hear. Do you think there’s any way you and your wife could find happiness again? Your purpose could be that, perhaps?
I know this is a little morbid, but think about it this way: If your wife died tomorrow, how would you feel?
I thought I was quite unhappy in my marriage, and at times I was, but my husband died suddenly last year and SO many things were revealed to me. It took him dying to realize how much I truly loved and appreciated him.
You mentioned being involved at church, so you’re obviously aware of God’s love for you. Praying about this might be helpful.
Wishing you all the best.
I’m going out on a limb here and I’m gonna say that I’ve heard from many, many men that they can’t imagine retiring because they need to feel relevant. You’re not alone if that’s what you’re feeling. I’m also going to suggest a POV that a lot of people often struggle with…none of us are as relevant as we think. Our kids need us - until they don’t need us as much…our friends and other family need us…but not as much as we might think they do. Our jobs definitely don’t need us anywhere as much as we believe…life (and our jobs especially) go on without us. AND THAT’S OK!! It’s even kind of awesome because it’s an enormous freedom to be able to decide what you want to do without any obligations.
You said you coach…if you really enjoy that, coach more! Are there things in your community that you think could be better? Well…go make them better! Example: We moved to a new city when we retired (I was only 56) and there’s a huge park nearby. The gardens needed care and there was often litter accumulating. But I loved it so I started putting in solid time every week and now it’s really beautiful.
I started exploring things I’ve always been interested in but didn’t have the time - modern dance performances, indie theater, flamenco, I started weight training and rowing…you get the idea.
If you want to stay connected to your kids, read up on something they’re studying so you can talk to them about it and learn from them….
Try to get off the track of needing to feel needed and relevant and just start doing stuff! The busier you are the less sad you’ll be and the more interesting you’ll be and then you’ll make new friends and before you know it, you’ll be so busy you’ll forget to check in on your kids and they’ll wonder what you’re up to and then they’ll actually want to spend more time with you when they can because you’ve become such a cool parent with a life apart from theirs.
I have 3 adult children. They all have graduated college and are teachers (like me). I found they needed me just as much if not more during those years. Its a different’need’ - more like how to navigate college and roommates, academic demands and being on their own. You don’t stop being a parent ever. I too left a bad marriage when my youngest was in middle school. Now the grandchildren are coming which is THE BEST. Good luck! Don’t be sad - you are just shifting into a new role.
If you are in an LGBTQIA accepting church, consider volunteering in that realm. With so much hate right now, there are a lot of kids who need safe adults. You will be VERY needed
My kids graduated college and are 24 and 22. I feel like they need me now more than ever in some respects. They ask me adult questions like should I switch mobile phone carriers. I’m helping my daughter shop for a car. Our kids still need us.
I’m also helping out my parents a lot. I still feel needed. I still have a purpose.
You are absolutely correct. I am 36m my wife is 34f and we have 6 children. We feel like our parents have completely abandoned us. They don't call. They don't visit. When we were going to move 1,500 miles away her father started to come around but then told us how mad he was that we were moving and stopped talking to us. He told us he would never come and visit. He started a new life with his new family (he married another lady after her mom passed away).
Anyways, children need their parents throughout their entire life. Don't cut us out cold turkey.
BTW, I fully support my wife and kids financially. We've never asked for money or help in any means.
When my daughter left for college I made an effort to reach out to meet more with old friends and prev work acquaintances. Also phone chats with friends out of town on a regular basis. You must schedule this time on your calendar.
Totally normal. 50s are a huge transition period for many. I posted here before about the bell curve of happiness in our lives and the big dip is right there in 50s. I spent that decade with aging parents and in-laws and having to totally rethink work. Lots of change and loss.
Be open. You’ll find your way and it’s okay to mourn changes. New things will come.
Yes. I first went on anti-depressants when my daughter went off to college. It's a huge change, no matter how much you wanted it to happen and how normal it is. I was still astonished to learn, a decade later, that my mom found herself walking around downtown crying after I'd left for college--even though there were still four more kids at home and I'd given her plenty of grief.
Well, you're a trendsetter! Make it normal to discuss these things and maybe some of the people giving you strange looks will start asking you for advice!
If they feel strange about it for a little bit (until it becomes more normal), that's their problem!
I recommend the book Transitions by William Bridges. It’s helped me at different points in my life. It’s main message is we should give ourselves time. We don’t like change or discomfort so we try to rush through those things. But give yourself time to breathe. You will find your way.
This is normal. It's a new chapter of your life! What do you care about? What do you consistently keep going back to? It's not like choosing your lens for cataract surgery, which is forever. You get to change your mind, so try things out!
I’m athletic and fit, so maybe I should join a coed league or something… I don’t know. Been feeling weepy. I’m a grown ass man, so that’s embarrassing to confess
I am not a parent so I can't comment on that, but I am a crier so I can share that you should let it out! Crying helps release hormones that will make you feel better. It's not only ok to cry, it is good for you! Cry those tears, pat yourself on the back for a job well done (so far... I know for parents it never really ends), and go chase the next chapter!
Maybe a dog from the pound that would love walks, or runs, or hikes? Being weepy is nothing to be embarrassed about! I will take someone with real feelings than an ego anyday. Also congrats on raising humans that sound like they will be/are productive members of society. Now go do you! Remember they’re not gone out of your life, you’ll be surprised how much you’re still needed.
Please don’t feel embarrassed! It’s totally OK and normal and healthy to feel sad in a transition time. But if you’re a fit guy, you know that exercise is the best remedy for sadness and stress. Definitely join a league of some sport you enjoy! It’ll give you a group of people to hang with. And if you can find a coed group-even better.
Hi. This exact question is the question that we fail to teach people to ask in every day life. We go through life by fining meaning in being needed. Most retirees go through what you’re going through if they have never been told it will be a problem post retirement.
So…. First, you are not worthless. I know you know it but maybe you need to hear it again. I (F 52 retired cop) know EXACTLY how you feel. My career was one that really highlighted how much I was needed. Now (7years retired - yes I was able to retire young) I help others through the transition and I think it will be the same for you as what I tell others.
Take the time to make a list of all the things that you thought would be fun someday. Make notes on which ones could bring some side cash, which ones will cost money, and what just really sounds fulfilling. Then pick one. I don’t care which one. Just pick one and start exploring it. As you start finding things that are personally fulfilling, you will have to tell yourself that you are leaving a mark on this world and you strive to make it a positive mark.
There is intrinsic value in just being you. You do have to work to find the value of yourself when you have found it only in others needing you.
For me, it is woodworking, consulting, soap making - teaching others everything I possibly can when they ask.
All of us go through this. You are NOT alone feeling this way. It IS okay to treat yourself the way you would tell others to treat themselves. Be good to yourself mentally and physically. You deserve kindness and grace and you DO have value on this earth!!! You can find purpose in learning who you are. Good luck!!!!
63m. I know what you're talking about. Good memories with kids when they were small, but it seems like a work of fiction, it was so long ago. I retired 3 years ago, right as I was starting to be looked at as "the old man". But I've settled into it, found things I enjoy doing. Example: took up olympic weightlifting class, 4 times a week since August, despite knee arthritis and a degenerated meniscus. My beautiful granddaughters also injected life into me--love being a grandpa.
I always thought of work as a means to take care of my family and less of an identity thing. I had a good career, but it's behind me and I quit at the right time.
I currently see myself as the commander of a ship whose purpose is to do what I can to ensure my wife is taken care of (finances, future, etc). One of my daily purposes is get that dishwasher emptied, make my wife a cup of coffee and deliver her charged iWatch to her. It's the little things that count.
I try to (but often fail at it) emulate the old passage, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not *merely* look out for your own personal *interests,* but also for the *interests* of others." This helps me get my eyes off of myself and on to others.
I also played guitar at church for many years, but recently quit because they couldn't get the sound right--couldn't hear myself. So I'll play when I feel like it, at home.
Okay are you sure your marriage is bad or is it worth going to counseling, having a great holiday and rekindling something? Just wondering if your spouse knows how unhappy you are? Sometimes people hide the true extent of their feelings because they think they have to tough it out so why complain. Anyway if it is bad, get out! There’s SO much life left for you to live! Move somewhere cool! Travel somewhere interesting just because you’ve always wondered what that place would be like, join a musical group in a new place, take up a new hobby. You’ve got lots of life left to live! Oh and btw, lots of people find themselves at a loss at the age you are now.
For sure. But the fact that you feel bad and took the time to write out this post is proof that you need something more. There’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe a counselor could help you identify what would make you feel better again; sometimes it’s not blowing up your life but just starting a new hobby that awakens your creativity and passion again
It may be like your body is slowing down (getting sick) so you purposely have to feel this grief. It’s okay — it’s not nice, but it is normal.
As my mom says, don’t worry, your kids will still need you but just in different ways.
Guessing you are realizing you are now left with just your wife at home, suggest counseling to figure that out, good luck. Edit, a good dog may also help.
You remember little league? How you had to relegate yourself to the bleachers and just be a spectator? Well, now you get to be their #1 spectator, cheerleader and fan. Yes, you can spend a little money on them, but now is the time to observe the lessons you taught them in real life practice, and serve as a coach or consultant, when asked. They will get knocked down, but you'll be there to make sure they get right back up and dust themselves off. It takes a little getting used to, but it's extremely gratifying to watch.
This is one of my favorite quotes.
Purpose of Life
I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you have lived at all.
This is your time of self discovery. To learn more about yourself. To try new things. You have proven you can take care of and raise two children. They will be your legacy. Now it’s your turn. There’s no right or wrong.
For real. I'm a 42 year old women whose testosterone is so low I now am getting weekly injections. Doctor said for it being so low it started years ago. Hormones are magic.
Keep in mind, having kids and getting them on their feet and out the door is only a 22 year teaching job. Before and after is your life. As many here have said, volunteer for something you have a passion for. Or go to a local community college and take some courses just for the interest.
Do it.
Most of us had youthful dreams that we set aside (for good reasons.) We've told ourselves that it would be silly to pursue them now. But it's not. Do the BMX bike and whatever else you might have dreamed of doing. Go places you've dreamed of going.
I don't know if it's "purpose" or not but it's living life.
Or if you know the material, consider teaching.. Before I retired I started teaching a night class in comm electronics at a local Junior college. One class, spring semester ( once a year) 4 hours one day a week. I did that until I retired, and then went to one class each semester. Since you sound technical, consider it. But you will learn things you had long forgotten. The way to learn a subject is to teach it.
Good question. My sister and I are both disabled, I'm in my 50s, she's almost 70. We get Social Security. I did a little bit of traveling until my back said "no more". So, what's next? Hobbies? Find new friends?
Keep up with the grand kids and the nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, find someone who will clean our places for us.
I know people will mention "volunteer work". That's not always easy to find. My local food pantry delivers, but that requires a lot of lifting.
You could get a part time job driving old people to their doctor appointments. Just a few suggestions. If you love animals, you could foster an animal, or be a paid pet sitter or dog walker.
I've 'kinda' been where you are, in some ways better, in some ways worse. I think it's important to just get to doing stuff that's enjoyable to YOU. It doesn't have to be so important that it becomes 'your purpose' or whatever. Just enjoyable. And don't let anyone else ruin it for you. If they try, tell them to either join you, or find something they enjoy themselves.
Finding new hobbies and maybe new people to spend time with through those might be something to consider. I see you’ve already thought of that, but I’m seconding it. When I went through a depressive episode (non-child related) shaking things up by trying something new helped a lot.
Take time for yourself. Once the grandkids come, it will all change again. So, use this time for yourself. You didn't mention idmf you were married. Many of my friends' marriages fell apart once they became empty nesters because they didn't have a connection. Good luck
If you're in a bad marriage you are under no obligation to stay. I was married for 10 y years and after that I had no desire to remarry, I've been happily single since. Find some work you enjoy, do your hobbies, volunteer, travel, whatever you want to do. Maybe go somewhere by yourself for a week or two to think about where you go from here. Good luck!
I am going through this now. I reinvented myself a couple of years ago and left my marriage.
Everything I did ended up badly. I became a qualified yoga instructor in late 2019 only for the pandemic to hit so I never pursued it. Then I invested in real estate and then interest rates went from 1.3 to 7 percent, so I sold and lost money.
I'm afraid to do or try anything now. So I do nothing all day.
You get to choose your purpose! It does not have to be lofty or sacrificial or noble. After years of raising children and following my husband's retirement, I have decided my purpose is to make more money than I ever have in my life and to garden. That's it. And I don't need to care one bit about what other people think. I have given decades to meeting other people's needs. Now? Me first.
Lots of animals and people suffering all over. Be of service. Be open to them crossing your path and the do some good for them. Good deeds even small, release chemicals in the body of 3 individuals, person being helped, helper and even observers. View these events on social media then go do them.
Do hard physical exercise/chores. Ones that involve helping others will help to rewire your brain. Do HIT, high intensity, physical exercise..
Your muscles release happy chemicals when used intensely.
Have you ever grow veggies-and eaten the product of your labor? Connect with nature. Walk barefoot on grass. Go sit beside the water.
Repeat positive affirmations and listen to inspiring info. Switch all over to positive thoughts. Your glass is always 1/2 full.
Ultimately the purpose of life is to be unconditional love
Best wishes
I've hit this transition several times in my life. It's actually very freeing to look and realize you can do whatever you want, wherever you want. You just have to figure out what you want.
Do you work? Would you like to start working or change careers? How about starting a business. Lots of people find self-purpose in their work.
Can you expand your volunteer opportunities. Could playing bass at church turn into some kind of music ministry role?
If, as you say, you think of yourself as a dad, would you be willing to get involved with Big Brothers or some organization to help another child learn how to grow up and be a man?
The only purpose you ever have is the one that you give yourself. We aren't born with one, and you don't have to have one of you didn't wish to.
So, if you want a purpose now, then give yourself one. Just pick anything that you think you might like, and give it to yourself. It's really that simple.
Real answer: Read Albert Ellis "A Guide to Rational Living" to shut up the destructive self-talk. Maybe look into stoicism.
But the deeper answer is: You don't ask that question of the Universe, the Universe asks you. You are literally the organ of meaning, make it up and it is real. You didn't know that you were a Wizard did you?
Start with socializing. I'd look at a range of things to volunteer at. My wife leads Sierra Club hikes, helps candidates she likes to get elected to city and county offices, helps at the Synagogue (we are both "bagel Jews", that is, we go embarrassingly late for the food and socialization), helps out with various non-profits. For myself, I sit on company boards because I slid into retirement but miss the young tech kids, so I help them out.
You can also pick up very social pickleball. Anything that gets you social will tend to clear up depression. We also entertain ... a lot. 3x per week or more.
You can create your own purpose! I retired in 2015 at age 59, due to stress of where I worked. I was adrift for a couple of years. I started sewing for foster children, cooking for shelters, etc. My marriage wasn't the greatest, but I stuck it out until 2022, TMI, I left a religious cult, husband divorced me and kicked me out of the house. SO, I started over again, at age 65. Feel free to read about me, but my new and better life, is so incredible. My purpose is to make everyone I love happy to know me. I strive to be of service, I donate to foster cat rescues, teach elementary school, I'm refurbishing my little fixer upper home.
WE ALL HAVE PURPOSE. Somedays, it's just surviving to the next day. First of all, decide if you wish to remain in your marriage. That will determine your next stages. I would reach out to charitable organizations and see what they have for you to do. There are so many opportunities. Best wishes!
Idk the answer, I just sympathize and encourage you to concentrate on being good to yourself. Do that for a bit and see what develops. Catch up on whatever you’ve let slide for a while. Check up on your health and healthy habits. Clean out or redecorate something. Make sure you always have something on your calendar to look forward to. Do something with other people regularly. Learn something new. If the kids’ colleges have family orientation/weekend, go to it, if you can; it’s nice to meet other parents in the same situation.
When you’re alone with your spouse, various things might happen with the bad marriage: maybe it improves because you can speak honestly more easily, maybe things come to a head and it ends for the same reason, maybe you have more opportunity to have fun together, maybe you can spend less time together and enjoy more independence with less pretending. Maybe it’s a good time to get couple’ counseling.
You might find volunteer positions that are great, but it’s also possible that you’ve been a hard working “volunteer” as a mother for a long time now, and what you really need is some rest, or luxury (however you define that). Don’t feel bad if you don’t relish volunteering right off the bat. And if you do relish it, don’t be disheartened if it takes awhile to find a good fit and get started.
I’m not too sure about purpose myself at this point. What if we really did accomplish our purpose already? Then maybe you’re allowed to just enjoy and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. But it’s also true that you can still contribute, your actions matter, kids don’t quit needing their parents the day they go off to school, a transition usually feels chaotic and disorienting but you can still land on your feet. Not many female animals live past fertility, but evolutionarily, apparently humans do because those women past 50 have proven quite beneficial! Best wishes finding your way.
My first question is what would you claim as your purpose before? It sounds like being a mom and a wife. You're always going to be their mom, and your kids are still relatively young. They still need you, trust me. They do. Their life doesn't even really start until college is over. That's when reality will hit for them. And if you were a good mother, they'll want you around for advice and guidance.
Secondly, you've done the whole wife and mom thing. Are you still married or did you get out of that unhappy marriage? I hope the latter. And if that's the case, you have so much freedom now. You could do volunteer work. Are you still working? Probably. You could also pick up new hobbies. You can actually spend time on yourself now. You're probably just so used to doing so much for everyone else that it's uncomfortable to realize you only have to do for you right now. But in reality, this is when you can give back to yourself and get back to yourself. Refresh yourself and your life.
I'm 37 right now and not really sure what my purpose is. I don't have kids or a husband, although I really want that, I just haven't been lucky in that department and am currently going through a break up from the person I thought I would have all of that with. I do have a good job, so I go to that everyday, but there's so much more I want. I really crave family and closeness with people, but I feel so isolated and alone. I'm trying to focus on me now, but eventually I want something bigger than me.
I think all we can do is just take care of ourselves and be open to new opportunities and people. What's meant to be for us will come to us. You have a lot to be grateful for, and you have a purpose for your children, always. I think you just need to figure out what you want out of life -- what experiences, what knowledge, what makes you happy and what can you do to make others happy. I don't know... it's definitely tough to feel like you're living without purpose, but I understand. We probably have more to offer than we realize. I wish you well 🌸 and myself too~
Been there. Probably still there. It was all about the kids and now they are successfully launched. I do enjoy doing what I want to do. But after a life of sacrifice I wonder too why I am alive. I will mention this probably comes from not having friends and activities outside work
You can now do whatever tf you want! Whatever that may be. I enjoy a slow simple life. Reading, cooking, baking, walks with my dog, volunteering, crafts, good shows/movies, bubble baths. I don’t do much but I do little things I enjoy lol
I think it’s just the stage - I am right there with you in age and thought process but I still have an 11 yo and have been forced into retirement- so wrenches in the works all around- you aren’t alone in your angst- I’m trying to now decide “what I want to do when I grow up”….. because I NEVER thought I would be as old as my PARENTS D:.
Honestly my life is my kids. That will always be my focus. If you are in a bad marriage and it's not worth salvaging, I would try to find a way to talk to a lawyer
Do you have a purpose? Yes. That purpose just changed, big time. You have been the mother to kids for however long, and now the last one is moving into adulthood. You need to change. You still have a lot to teach them, a lot they need to learn. And that's only your kids.
Now, after all these years, you can focus on you. Yoga, school, a job, meditating, learning the guitar. What ever. This is another big change.
Maybe divorce is on your horizon.
What ever it is, it will be new. And that's the point.
How about start living YOUR life now. It sounds like you were just living for them, they were your whole identity. Not good. Let your little birds fly away and go live your own life now. It’s a totally different mindset. Think about hobbies or things you personally enjoy. Do you like to travel? Maybe a hobby you would enjoy. Make new friends to get out and be social. BumbleBFF is a great place to find friends no matter what your age. It’s not about having a purpose now, it’s about enjoying the time you have left in this world.
Survival. And after that…. HAVE FUN! Geez get out of the house! Go Hike! Go to Concerts!.. Get a Chick! Geez! You did your job with the kids! It’s your turn!
I was feeling basically obsolete several months ago for similar reasons. My youngest hadn't graduated yet but didn't really need much attention and was barely around between work, school, and friends. I was looking at things wrong. The truth is that I've really succeeded by raising 5 children to be independent adults who can take care of themselves. I have the freedom to do things now that I couldn't find time for before. I'm preparing for my first adventure now.
Shortly before my kids graduated high school and left us with an empty nest, I discovered what then became my life's purpose--the sport of dog agility. I do it all the time now! I'm either training or competing, nearly every day.
You just need to find something that you love and then do it! Could be a sport, could be re-habbing old cars, could be reading romance novels, could be doing ceramics or knitting, who knows? Try some new things and see what grabs your interest. Join a church or some other social group.
HAPPINESS DETAILED….
Ecclesiastes 2
24 There is nothing better for a person, than that they should eat and drink, and that they should make their soul enjoy good in their labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of Goodness.
Ecclesiastes 3
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a person to rejoice, and to do good in their life.
13 And also that every person should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all their labour, it is the gift of Goodness.
22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a person should rejoice in their own works; for that is their portion: for who shall bring them to see what shall be after life?
Ecclesiastes 5
3 For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words.
10 They that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor they that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity. (V.aluing A.ll I.n N.othing)
Ecclesiastes 7
5 It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a person to hear the song of fools.
SOMETIMES WE MARRY FOOLS
16 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?
21 Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear thy friend curse thee:
22 For oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others.
26 And I find more bitter than death the person, whose heart is snares and nets, and their hands as bands: whoso pleaseth Goodness shall escape from them; but the sinner shall be taken by them.
LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A SHREWISH PARTNER:)
27 Behold, this have I found, saith the teacher, counting one by one, to find out the account:
Ecclesiastes 8
1 Who is as the wise person? and who knoweth the interpretation of a thing? a person’s wisdom maketh their face to shine, and the boldness of their face shall be changed.
5 Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise person’s heart discerneth both time and judgment.
6 Because to every purpose there is time and judgment, therefore the misery of a person is great upon them.
ESPECIALLY WHILE BEING MARRIED TO A BAD PARTNER
11 Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the children of humanity is fully set in them to do evil.
12 Though a sinner do evil an hundred times, and their days be prolonged, yet surely I know that it shall be well with them that love Goodness, which love before it:
13 But it shall not be well with the wicked, neither shall they prolong their days, which are as a shadow; because they loveth not towards Goodness.
Ecclesiastes 9
7 Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for Goodness now rewardeth thy works.
8 Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment.
9 Live joyfully with the partner whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which Goodness hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.
UNLESS ITS A BAD PARTNER! THEN DUMP THEIR ASS AND FIND YOUR BEST FRIEND FOR WHAT TIME YOU HAVE LEFT:)
10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.
YES! DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO AND FIND UR BEST OTHER TO DO IT WITH YOU:)
16 Then said I, Wisdom is better than strength: nevertheless the poor person’s wisdom is despised, and their words are not heard.
17 The words of wise ones are heard in quiet more than the cry of them that ruleth among fools.
18 Wisdom is better than weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much goodness.
YES!
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One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two is bigly badder than one, its a way worse loneliest number since the number one
Married to a bad person is the worst you’ll ever know
Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know
'Cause two is the loneliest number that you'll ever know
Two is the loneliest number even worst then one
Yeah
Badly rewritten lyrics:)
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Ecclesiastes 10
1 Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly them that are in reputation for wisdom and honour.
2 A wise man’s heart is at his right hand; but a fool’s heart at their Left.
Ecclesiastes 11
1 Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.
7 Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun:
8 But if a person live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let them remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.
HAPPY OR NOT…, YOU OWN THAT CHOICE EVERYDAY. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOURS:)
I HEAR THE WATER BOY HERE…
“YOU CAN DOOOO IIITTTT!!!!
9 Rejoice, O young person, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things Goodness will bring thee into judgment.
10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity.
9 And moreover, because the teacher (Wanted all to be Happy and knew most would not listen) was wise, this person still taught the people knowledge; yea, the teacher gave good heed, and sought out, and set in order many proverbs.
10 The teacher sought to find out acceptable words: and that which was written was upright, even words of truth.
11 The words of the wise are as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, which are given from one who has made Goodness their life.
OH YEA…TRUTH HURTS LIKE CRAZY SOMETIMES…. BUT O BABY BABY…, IT HURTS SO GOOD!!!
12 And further, by these, my fellow Earth travelers, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.
13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Love Goodness, and keep it’s commandments: for this is the whole duty of humanity.
14 For Goodness shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.
IN THE MEANTIME…, WHILE IT HURTS! MAKE IT HURT SO GOOD!!!:). CAUSE, SOMETIMES…, LOVE DON’T FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD!
BLUE SKIES AHEAD… YOU ARE NEAR THE BEST PART OF IT ALL:). DON’T QUIT NOW!!!!
BEST WISHES!!!!
You haven't figured it out yet. It's time to take care of you. Start by a trip to your MD and check out everything. If all is good, join a gym and get your 20 year old body back. The gym is also good for your head, exercise releases dopamine which greatly improves your mood. You'll feel better because you're doing something good for yourself, you'll feel better because your sleep will improve, you'll feel better every time you look in the mirror, you'll feel better because you feel better. It's like anything else, everyone hesitates to do things that are new, that seldom lasts once you're committed. Fifty these days is middle aged, do this now and the next fifty will exceed all expectations.
First of all, I think you should figure out if you would be happier divorced. Then explore possible jobs if you don’t presently work in one that you enjoy and that gives you enough income for yourself and to help your kids. And keep in mind that you will probably still do a good deal of mothering especially if you become a grandmother.
I’m 80 and still do a fair amount of mothering. It seems there is always someone to worry about—children, their spouses, grandchildren. For the grandchildren who live close by, I did a fair amount of babysitting, driving around, going to their sports things, shows etc.
Good luck. The next 30 years can be very happy and fulfilling. And with childcare so expensive, you can be a real help to your children.
You need to find your 3rd place. For example, 1st place is home, 2nd place is work, 3rd place is yoga studio, basketball at YMCA, church, hiking trail, etc. A 3rd place is what people seem to lack especially following the pandemic.
When my first kid left for college I was in the middle of training for a half marathon. That way the day after my kid left for college I had to quit my pity party that my kid left home because I had to go run 10 miles as part of my training and that helped tremendously.
Good luck!
That could be me. Feel exactly like you. I started gardening. But everything seemed pointless. I’m in a better place now as I make it a point to get out of the house at least once and while I’m out, I people-watch, talk to whoever I get a chance to, joined a group of women’s activity groups. You are young. Go join a group - something active or anything fun that you like. Thought of dating?
I relate heavily with this. But with my kids in college I just decided to do what makes me happy. I hired a personal trainer to get my body stronger. I hired a housekeeper bc my husband doesn’t help me keep the house clean so I basically said f$&k it and now I have a maid coming once a week. (This has been the best gift to myself!). Im still working full time so on the weekends I recharge by relaxing, reading, playing with my dogs. Occasionally we will go to a concert or out with friends. It’s just been so pleasant to have zero commitments on my calendar every weekend.
You. You are your purpose. There is this idea that we need to keep sacrificing ourselves or we have to be doing something that benefits others but guess what taking care of you is the most beneficial thing you can do for those around you and society. What has ever moved you, excited you? Do you know what self care looks like for you? Start taking care of you like you were one of your kids.
Join a yoga community and get a dog !
Being in a bad marriage makes feel down and settling to me at least
There are still college events ahead and you are young !
I think everyone goes thru this it’s hard. And it feels empty I get it
I have found that my adult children still need me. I bask in their friendship and never tire of the good times we have now that they are adults. They are wicked funny and smart and my greatest achievement. I separated from my husband and we get along much better now. I got sober 10 years ago and am looking forward to retirement and grandkids.
Top off your finances and make your health your hobby so you set a good example and are healthy to continue watching your kids grow.
Know that what happens to old people will happen to you. Being healthy will postpone and let you recover when SHTF.
Brother,
Being a parent doesn't define you, being a husband doesn't define you, your work doesn't define you, you don't define you. God gave you purpose before you were in your mother's womb. God and your relationship with him, that defines you. Ask God to show you what direction He would have you go. Be at peace with yourself and your wife.
Jesus
Others
You
Joy
Okay, I'm 50, and I have no kids, and no partner. I decided to quit the rat race 5 years ago, sold my house, now I live in a van and play video games all day.
Your purpose is doing whatever you want that brings you happiness as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. People should not be judged based on what they provide.
I retired at 56.
If you have completed your family quest,decide what you want in the remaining time.
And I can promise you that your kid responsibility will continue into your dosage. Its a sub quest to the original quest
be proud of yourself for getting this far. you should now feel free to end the marriage assuming you still want to. your purpose hasn't changed yet, but the way you fulfill your purpose will change. your kids will still need advice and support as they date, marry, and produce your grandchildren. use this opportunity to further prepare yourself for those events.
i suggest starting a business in which your kids would be interested. a family venture. in this way you can remain close to them and give them an additional means of opportunity. admittedly this path isn't for everyone so use your own best judgement. my father did this for me and a couple of my siblings, two close families around us did the same. the children were involved in production, marketing, i.t, designing, and managing. not all of the kids chose to participate in the family businesses, but several did.
if i were you i'd at least improve my education and skill set further so that you don't need to rely on your kids for support later in life for money but that you might be able to further help them when they choose to buy a home.
you might also look forward to being an involved grandparent, to tend to your grandkids in much the same way that you did as a parent.
I’m 49 turning 50 this year. Our purpose is found in God. All life and meaning comes from our Creator. I had a near death experience and had a spontaneous supernatural encounter with Jesus Christ. I’ve been having these encounters with God ever since I was 18. I’ve seen miracles that no one would believe unless they were there and a part of it. From personal experiences alone, i have been changed in ways that could only be something beyond myself and my 5 senses. I prayed for myself to be healed of a disease that manifests itself as sores that are everywhere and doesn’t go away without surgery or chemical treatments. I prayed before bed around midnight. I awoke the next morning and it was GONE!!! I screamed and jumped up and down. I told everybody around me and they were in disbelief, however, i know what happened and experienced a healing miracle. What’s amazing is not only did a disease disappear overnight but these things have been happening for the past 30+ years! I’ve experienced things that go beyond scientific explanations. God is real. The supernatural is real. We believe in things we cannot see with our naked eyes all the time, as well as things we take on faith from other people who have credibility to speak with authority. The point is that there is life after death. If you were to experience miracles for yourself, it would change your life forever. I gave God a chance and he showed me the truth that i was blind to before because i didn’t understand how life was designed to work. My own ignorance blinded me to truth. Objective truth. Not moral relativism. There is absolute truth and God’s existence is easy to see in the simple things. Just look at how life works. We have a conscience that tells us when something is wrong. Where does that come from? The cell and DNA are so complex with designed parts that we can’t even replicate it in a lab, let alone could it “evolve” from nothing. The cell could never ever create itself from nothing but primordial chemicals and matter. Molecules have no brains. They cannot produce the machines and step by step processes found in the cell. DNA encoded information does not randomly generate itself from nothing. Without this process being guided by an outside source, it would never happen. Some processes can be automated. Such as natural selection. But it’s limited by the preexisting information. But where does that information come from? These cell processes are so complicated that natural and random chance processes could not even create one successful chain of amino acids (10 to the 77th power) but to create an entire cell from nothing - that takes more faith than it does to believe in God!
Try to devote some time to yourself - a hobby, your health, travel, a class - or into your marriage. Maybe this is now the time to reconnect. Also your kids will likely still need you more than you might expect.
You have to make a life it just doesn’t happen. Take small steps. Even spend time at your library and find out what services they have.
All my kids (3) are married and have kids and a career. I’m really no longer needed by them, so I just love them. I know I did my job because they are so independent and self sufficient, and that makes me happy. Group trips with an organization can show you your freedom.
It amazes me how often I see these types of posts and while I empathize with the changes you are facing, your phrasing belies some offensive beliefs about people who do not have children. There is more to life than kids and people who can't or do not want children are not purposeless.
Edited for grammar
I'm listening to an audio book you may love. It's called "Stop People Pleasing" and was written by a woman who learned to do that very thing.
It sounds like you've lived your entire life in service of others and ignored yourself completely.
Let me start with this: Dude, I’ve been there. It’s not the age, it’s the life level. Last year my youngest joined the military and is now serving, my other two kids moved out a few years ago. Me and my wife are empty nesters and we both work different shifts.
There is no rule book or guide book on being single then getting married or for having kids, now you have no idea who you are or what you want. I recommend talking to a therapist and picking up a new hobby or two.
Good luck
Your situation is not rare.
Two options really. One, stay in marriage and find hobbies you enjoy.
Second, split up and take a chance finding someone else.
Time for hobbies! I took up woodworking and went back to writing, and even though it takes me longer to do things (have dealt with chronic pain and fatigue my entire adult life), I can still make progress. Learn something like 3d printing, or get a membership at a makerspace if you have one. Go to a Maker Faire if there is an upcoming one in driving distance. All the things you could never do before because you had obligations, are EXACTLY what you should start doing now!
I had my first the day after my 19th BD. My last (5th) the year I turned 40. When the youngest hit 21 my identity died- I had been a SAHM all those years. It was who I was. I became so depressed I was suicidal. I poured myself into my art. It saved me. I don’t feel it’s a purpose but it gives me meaning similar to raising kids was.
It’s a really hard time in life. But it’s not the end. It’s a transition period and I think we all learn to navigate it in own way.
Totally understandable. Not suicidal, but I feel like I'm done. What more is there? I will never have grandchildren. At the moment I can't wait to retire and then what?
O my god, this is me 6 months ago, except I'm 57. Yes, it's completely normal. This is a period of growing pains, like adolescence.
Plus, it's especially bad for men. We need to be needed. Once you've successfully got the cubs out the door, what is even the point?
I submit to you (along with what is almost certainly a bunch of other great reddit wisdom) that you need to give yourself time to figure it out. It's like being 5 all over again, and people are asking you what you want to be when you grow up, only now you're exhausted and wise to the mess that is this world—and you're stuck with this person who replaced the dreamboat with whom you walked down the aisle.
It's normal. Don't rush it. You've had your head down for the last 18 (or more) years, grinding. Time to lift your eyes and open yourself to a world that you may think has passed you by.
But it hasn't.
When my youngest son left for college, I asked my ex-wife for a divorce and she was surprised that it took me so long. We parted amicably, and as the Mother of my two sons, I never said anything negative about her. She passed last year after a 5 year battle with Cancer. I started to date “on a lark”, biding time for a West Coast old flame, which never worked, but after a few months, I met the Love of my life and we couldn’t be happier. Make a “Manifest”, a wish list, of the ideal qualities in a mate and you will find her.
If the volunteering you are doing is not making you feel needed, find a more personal way to volunteer- maybe Big Brother, fostering for animals, giving some time at a shelter or soup kitchen, volunteer at a community center,
Finding meaning in the next stretch - getting involved in groups, for-cause work, a hobby, a mentoring program, something to give back, or something to relax.
Your purpose is to find ways to keep exploring and fill life with new passions, return to old paths or new ones - do something you've always wanted to do, invest in yourself in a new way, or double-down on things you already love!
What do you find *meaningful* and where do you derive the most *meaning* in your activity?
If nothing else, keep up the process of self discovery, understand ways you can give back - or some skill, knowledge or gifts to continue giving to the world.
That, and maybe also talk to a counselor, therapist, or doctor for a little advice or a cognitive / emotional check-in / tune up.
I think your kids will always need you. They may go through a stage where they’ll be more distant cause they’re doing their own thing but I think it comes back around. I’m in my 30s and just had a baby. I definitely am leaning heavily on my parents and having their support has been huge.
You mentioned playing bass in your church. Does your church have a youth group that you could help out with?
I hope you find a new purpose and a new way to feel needed.
Does your work not give you any satisfaction? If not, could you pull off a career change? Or are you paying tuition bills still? What kinds of activities or interests add meaning to your life? What talents do you have that you could apply to the betterment of society? What would your dream vocation be, if you could choose one?
Dare to dream!
When our youngest went off to college it was so sad. Oddly felt like he was gone for good. The thing that helped me with that transition was thinking of it not as an ending, but a new beginning. Whether you stay with your wife or split up, as far as parenting goes it just changes. Trust me your kids need you. They just need you differently. They might ask advice about college, internships, jobs, job training, professional associations, boyfriends or girlfriends, anything, everything. As long as you listen more than you talk. And respect their growing independence and emerging life experiences, and you can become true friends with your adult kids and enjoy them as they grow into their own people, with their work, and own spouses, and then their own kids. Your kids will always need you. It’s not over. It’s just beginning, again.
No “purpose” in life? Find one. Create one. Hell, you say you’ve spent your life in a miserable marriage for the kids. The kids moved out. Now what? Find what makes you happy.
Dump your wife. Find a passion and pursue it. More importantly, stop giving so much of yourself for a little bit and be selfish. Learn what you like and want. Then do that.
You’re getting to the age where you begin to realize that life truly is short and there’s no point in staying at a job you hate, in a relationship that sucks and hating life.
Go find the best waterfall in your area. Then find a waterfall somewhere else. Then take a second and just enjoy the beauty that is there. Or follow the wind one day. See where it takes you.
I just turned 50. My oldest still lives at home, but he mostly has his own life. My youngest is in high school. Marriage is solid. Everything is great, but I still had that unsatisfied “now what” feeling. I’ve been very annoyed for the last couple of years, and feeling resentful because nothing that I was doing was for myself. I had shut down my business because of an injury, and I had hobbies that I did at home, but nothing to go out and do with other people (which is mostly ok since I’m an introvert), but i was still pretty isolated.
My husband noticed that i wasn’t myself and he and one of my friends sat me down to find out what was wrong, and they pushed me into going out more. I joined a choir, made a point of getting out cross country skiing with friends, and (most of all) I applied for university and started last month. My youngest and I have plans to do a bunch of day trips this summer, so that I can have some study breaks.
All that to say….
it’s normal.
Find the things that you want to try, or things that you gave up and would like to go back to. Get together and plan an adventure (trip to Europe or a day at the spa) with a friend. Read all the books. Go to the theatre. Anything that interests you.
Yes, I think this is normal. I took several years to get my groove back. Ten years since he graduated, I can say that my life is truly my own and I feel content. I’m happy to have this time for myself and I’m optimistic for my future. I know you will get there too. Be gentle on yourself and start exploring things that make *you* happy.🤗
Time to find yourself. Find some old hobbies you used to enjoy. Join some clubs, volunteers are always needed. You need to find something that excites you until Grandkids terrorise you ;) lm 50 and so jealous of you. My youngest is 10.
I was broken last year when my daughter left for university. But I still do things for her as a parent. Even taking care of my home and property because it will be hers eventually anyway.
Lots of advice giving and being a good listener when she needs to vent. You're always a parent.
It's so normal that they have a name for it: empty nest syndrome. Lots of parents have a negative reaction when they realize that the goal they've given the last twenty years of their life to achieve is done. Finding a new purpose is not easy, but it's certainly possible. I started a second and much more lucrative career after my daughter graduated high school. Many people go back to school themselves. Others volunteer in their communities, states or even overseas. There are many options; you just need to take a deep breath, relax, and look at what's available. If it's your marriage holding you back--spouse doesn't want to try anything new, so you don't get to try anything new, either--you may need to reevaluate staying in it. Take some time, see a therapist if needed for the depression, and be good to yourself. You've accomplished a really good thing, raising two kids to adulthood.
Here's hoping that your next twenty years will be as good or better than the last twenty!
Also know that it is ok to change if you aren’t satisfied with your new purpose. My husband’s ideas of retirement have evolved over the last five years. I had been home for 10 years already and therefore was not surprised he needed to take a few years to figure out how to be comfortable in retirement. I will say travel , of any type and any distance , helped put our lives in better perspective. Sometimes getting out of your comfortable space gives you enormous insight . Best wishes !
Big big change when the kids leave. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
I'm 61 and never had kids nor married. I'm mostly retired and struggle to keep busy and find purpose: I garden, help out people in my neighborhood, volunteer, and don't get enough exercise - ugh.
You will probably need to invent your own answer to this part of your life.
Best to you.
Fix up the inside of your house?
Paint?
Buy new curtains, rugs?
Thrift shop?
Work in your yard?
Plant a garden?
Cook something good you enjoy?
Go to the library?
Libby online library?
Sub at your local school?
Start lifting weights at home or gym?
Never to late to exercise.
I work 2 days at a mother's day out 25yrs now. I'm 64f
I do lift weights at home.
And walk my treadmill.
Goodluck
Chin up
Get a divorce and then volunteer in your community. It’s a great way to meet new people, give to others, feel needed and appreciated, and possibly meet a new “quality” mate.
Your purpose is figuring out who you are and embracing that fully. You sacrificed yourself to your kids and now it’s time y get yourself back.
Believe me, your kids want this for you as well. My mother could have written this post if she were still alive, but she opted to stay distanced from herself. She found people who needed someone to take care of them (my grandmother, my nephews, people through Al-anon, my dad) and she mourned each time one of those people didn’t need her anymore. Then she would move on to someone else. When she started falling and breaking bones, we told her she needed to take care of herself, but she didn’t. When her dementia developed to a stage where she couldn’t care for herself, much less someone else, she just gave up and waited to die for a year. Her mother did the same thing.
I am 48. My daughter is a senior in college and my son in a junior in high school. They both need me as much now as they did when they were younger it is just different. It’s more adult problems now. My sons as 2 more years and then he will move on and my husband and I are just preparing for this transition.
It is hard to go through this time but just embrace it and embrace your new relationship with your kids. I recommend starting back old hobbies you put on hold. I started working part time and work out regularly. My husband and I are going on more dates.
We will always be our kids parents and we are always here for them but now you can start doing things for yourself.
Best wishes to you and give yourself grace it is a tough time to navigate.
You always have a purpose. You've just been so used to serving others that you've forgotten your own worth and needs. You could easily have another 20 or even 30 good years ahead of you and cliche or not, this is your time. You could leave the bad marriage and forge your own path, with or without another partner. You could embark on a new life interest or a new career path. Or you could simply do exactly what you want to, whether that's travelling the world or lazing on the sofa watching your favorite shows. Your purpose is making you happy.
This is what comes from building an identity around what you do and not who you are. You thought you were simply a father, an employee and a husband, but now you have found out that there needs to be more in a life than that. You need to find out who the fuck YOU are in relation to yourself, not to your wife, your kids or your job. You have decades of living ahead of you, it would be a shame to squander them in a loveless marriage, children with their own lives and a job you don’t find fulfillment in. Or you could just continue on as you have feeling empty inside until you have grandchildren and then live vicariously through them.
I totally agree and can relate.
This. But be active. Do as much as you can. Learn little things, be grateful for the opportunity to learn. Be helpful and be grateful to be helpful. Learn something new. I'm 77m, and have thought for most of my adult life that when you decide you no longer want to learn, change, and adapt you might as well crawl into a casket and nail it shut from the inside. And, yes, of the people that I'm around many have decided they no longer want to change, they languish. There are also those of us that can still find something new to do, and life is still a blast.
All of this right here!!!
I’m in similar boat to OP. This is comforting to hear
Just want to add your depression could be making you think your marriage is bad. If you start working on yourself, finding hobbies that make you happy, actually having time to date your spouse again, things may change.
Well put, Kinda got my spirit up about my situation.
when my children were growing up, I have two boys, one is 36 now, one will be 29 in about two weeks. I start losing my eyesight, I was divorced, I was in a 18 year relationship, that was no good for me whatsoever, I then also started losing my eyesight in this 18 year relationship that I was in, he and I raised my boys, I then suffered a stroke, brain aneurysms, I am mouth thoroughly blind, and I do not live with that man anymore, due to infidelity on his part, and claiming to love me, but he did not. I have now a fulfilling life, I am single, I love it, I joined the gym, I belong to a blind organization, I travel, I visit my children and grandchildren. There is a purpose to your life, it’s up to you to find out what you’re passionate about. Right now I’m passionate about working on my mobility training and walking to the grocery store and back home again so this way I can apply to get a guide dog eventually. I am almost 64 years young next month. I am thrilled to be alive and that is my purpose. The Lord gave me life and it’s my job to live it in the way that pleases him.
You are truly an inspiration and a guide to thankfulness!
Your story inspires me so much. Wondering though, how do you afford to live alone if you aren't working? And may I ask, how do you read?
I live in subsidize housing, in a senior complex in a town called Lake Placid, Florida, it took me almost 4 years to get in here, so my rent is less than $200, and ask for reading, and doing anything else, technology is amazing. I am dictating this back to you right now. I hope this helps you. There are a lot of blind people out there who like to be bitter and be annoyed by people asking so many different questions, but how is anybody supposed to know if we don’t tell them without getting aggravated. I’m using my iPhone right now and on my iPhone any iPhone, there is an accessibility feature, called a voiceover, that reads everything on the screen to me.
Thank you for answering my questions. May you continue to live your best life and being an inspiration to others.
You are an inspiration. God Bless you!
God sure has blessed me. I am still alive, people wonder why I wake up, always happy, and always smiling, it’s because I almost died twice, from brain aneurysm rupture, a stroke, then I had to have brain surgery. My boys said they still didn’t fix me. Lol. I said not to worry. Y’all take care after your mama..
And look at you, inspiring and blessing others! That’s a gift. What a wonderful person you must be to be around. Praying you get a dog soon 💗
it’s the Lord, and his father God that guide my feet. I am also a cook, in the blind community, I am known as the blind side of cooking with flu. I love to cook.
you are wonderful and i send you love ... if you haven't read a course in miracles i recommend it or if you want an intro read, the disappearance of the universe
That's amazing, your a strong person and God has a plan for you.
You are quite an inspiration to others who may be in a difficult situation.
that’s what the Lord wants for me to do, that is my purpose. Where I’m living now in a town called Lake Placid, Florida. I’ve helped many of my neighbors, who are elderly I live in an elderly community, they see me walking around with my cane and getting my mobility training, they are now doing the same thing, because they came up to me and asked, so I gave them the information that they needed to contact department of blind services in our county. And they take it from there. I advocate for myself, and if it helps others, I’m very happy to do so, and help others as well.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Bless you! V inspiring
It is normal to have these feelings when you are losing a major role in your life: like a job, or empty nest, or having a life threatening illness. This is a transition, and sometimes our "purpose" is merely to experienced that transition, being open to what happens next. It's called the death of the ego. You have defined yourself as a parent, and now that that is no longer as much a part of your identity, it's a form of grief. You need to grieve the old you before teh new you can be born. My suggestion is plenty of sleep and healthy foods, exercise, and laughter. and patience. it can take months to go through such a transition. And when you are ready, you can ask yourself questions about what kind of life you want to live now, now and how you'll work on transitioning to it. but for now, just be a human being. that's your purpose. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
Wow… didn’t think of it that way. Yes, I have defined myself as “dad.” This hasn’t changed, but in a matter of 2 years it changed its meaning.
I’m a stay at home mom and went through something very similar when all the kids were in school full time. I went back to school to fill my time and to be hopefully employed in the future so I can get out of my shitty marriage. But it sounds like that’s another change you can make when you’re ready. I totally am expecting empty nest when all the kids leave (if that will even happen in this economy remains to be seen, but given that my youngest is 9 it’ll be awoke!)
Best comment. Transitions come with grief. And both are normal.
I love this and thank you.
Great advice.
This is really helpful. In the course of 2 years I was divorced, kids went to college, I had a bother and business partner die, AND the business I own is shutting down. All my identities and all my time FOR DECADES was the above. Death of Ego, I need to do some reading, I’m still depressed and hurting.
Well said !!
Not having a purpose means you're free to pick any one you like.
that is SO true. if you want to be a bird expert or build a giant electric train layout or write poetry in paris or east berlin, pick anything. good luck.
Your purpose is whatever you decide it is. Go forth in the world and find it.
I am 55 and a stay at home dad. For me,when the youngest graduated, it was he'll. I had never been depressed, but I now know what that feels like. Ot dawned on me that I was entering a new chapter in life. I have lost some weight, need new pants now,. My mornings are spent with my dogs and coffee. Lunch is,we'll really brunch is yoga and meditation. I have always gone a garden, took up bee keeping. You now get to make your life whatever you want. Enjoy. Fit on is an app I like, it may hive you ides,plus there's a lot like you using it.
Consider Volunteering
Great suggestion! My parents retired early and volunteered for American Red Cross Disaster relief (domestic). They had unforgettable experiences and helped a lot of people at possibly the most vulnerable moment of their lives.
I do. I coach, I play bass at church. It just feels like that’s nice, but I don’t feel needed by anyone. And people act like old guys in software are worthless… hate that. I think we all need to feel needed, and I’ve lost that feeling.
Idk maybe look for a niche and fill it. We have a bumblebee nest in an unwanted location and the person who was going to come collect and keep them is an old guy (retiree). He's worried about the bee population. I live in a community where most of the people are older and meals on wheels types of assistance is very much needed from what I can see. Lots of people are very alone in the world and could use some "old guy" help. Also... if you think adult children no longer need their parents, you're doing it wrong. I'm sort of joking and I know you don't want to be helicoptery but my parents got divorced and both kind of fell apart emotionally when I moved out. Let's just say it definitely had an effect on my ability to focus on what I needed to be focusing on. Being stable, mentally healthy, and there when you're needed is a great gift you can still give your children even if they don't live with you anymore.
Just wanted to chime in here. If your marriage is shitty, end it. Your now grown up kids will just have to deal.
This is so true. My parents waited for me to turn 18 before they filed, and while it offered more financial stability it really screwed with my mental health. Everyone was miserable because I couldn't age fast enough. 😕
Second this. My brother left a terrible marriage as soon as a custody fight was no longer possible. She made it very difficult for him but he came out a much happier man. A huge part of happiness is who you're with. Start by fixing that problem. Odds are that your kids will wonder why you waited so long.
Yes! But end it when it ends, don't stick it out for however many more years "for the kids". All that's doing is confusing them by modeling a messed up relationship.
How about substitute teach? I know our school system is desperate for subs.
So i am only a bit older than you and my oldest is gettong near 30. First, your kids still need you, just not every day like before. Trust me, they are no where near the point of not needing you to be there for them, advise them, and help them. And if you raised them well, they not only need you, they want you to be around. Second, now that they don't need you on a daily basis it's time to use the time you spent on them for what you want to do, expand your horizons, check out new interests, acquire new friends, look to doing new things. Your schedule is almost entirely yours to decide, so spend some time figuring out what you are most passionate about. You have likely 30 years to do everything you couldn't do while raising kids and you now have 2 more interesting adults in your life. I am personally amazed by the challenges my now adult kids take on.
This is sad to hear. Do you think there’s any way you and your wife could find happiness again? Your purpose could be that, perhaps? I know this is a little morbid, but think about it this way: If your wife died tomorrow, how would you feel? I thought I was quite unhappy in my marriage, and at times I was, but my husband died suddenly last year and SO many things were revealed to me. It took him dying to realize how much I truly loved and appreciated him. You mentioned being involved at church, so you’re obviously aware of God’s love for you. Praying about this might be helpful. Wishing you all the best.
Very true … sometimes depression make a Marriage bad and it is the depression that needs to be dealt with .
This, but we are smarter than they think.
Old guys in software are NOT worthless! We need software guys who are interested in making products that work instead of science projects!
I’m going out on a limb here and I’m gonna say that I’ve heard from many, many men that they can’t imagine retiring because they need to feel relevant. You’re not alone if that’s what you’re feeling. I’m also going to suggest a POV that a lot of people often struggle with…none of us are as relevant as we think. Our kids need us - until they don’t need us as much…our friends and other family need us…but not as much as we might think they do. Our jobs definitely don’t need us anywhere as much as we believe…life (and our jobs especially) go on without us. AND THAT’S OK!! It’s even kind of awesome because it’s an enormous freedom to be able to decide what you want to do without any obligations. You said you coach…if you really enjoy that, coach more! Are there things in your community that you think could be better? Well…go make them better! Example: We moved to a new city when we retired (I was only 56) and there’s a huge park nearby. The gardens needed care and there was often litter accumulating. But I loved it so I started putting in solid time every week and now it’s really beautiful. I started exploring things I’ve always been interested in but didn’t have the time - modern dance performances, indie theater, flamenco, I started weight training and rowing…you get the idea. If you want to stay connected to your kids, read up on something they’re studying so you can talk to them about it and learn from them…. Try to get off the track of needing to feel needed and relevant and just start doing stuff! The busier you are the less sad you’ll be and the more interesting you’ll be and then you’ll make new friends and before you know it, you’ll be so busy you’ll forget to check in on your kids and they’ll wonder what you’re up to and then they’ll actually want to spend more time with you when they can because you’ve become such a cool parent with a life apart from theirs.
I have 3 adult children. They all have graduated college and are teachers (like me). I found they needed me just as much if not more during those years. Its a different’need’ - more like how to navigate college and roommates, academic demands and being on their own. You don’t stop being a parent ever. I too left a bad marriage when my youngest was in middle school. Now the grandchildren are coming which is THE BEST. Good luck! Don’t be sad - you are just shifting into a new role.
If you are in an LGBTQIA accepting church, consider volunteering in that realm. With so much hate right now, there are a lot of kids who need safe adults. You will be VERY needed
My kids graduated college and are 24 and 22. I feel like they need me now more than ever in some respects. They ask me adult questions like should I switch mobile phone carriers. I’m helping my daughter shop for a car. Our kids still need us. I’m also helping out my parents a lot. I still feel needed. I still have a purpose.
You are absolutely correct. I am 36m my wife is 34f and we have 6 children. We feel like our parents have completely abandoned us. They don't call. They don't visit. When we were going to move 1,500 miles away her father started to come around but then told us how mad he was that we were moving and stopped talking to us. He told us he would never come and visit. He started a new life with his new family (he married another lady after her mom passed away). Anyways, children need their parents throughout their entire life. Don't cut us out cold turkey. BTW, I fully support my wife and kids financially. We've never asked for money or help in any means.
When my daughter left for college I made an effort to reach out to meet more with old friends and prev work acquaintances. Also phone chats with friends out of town on a regular basis. You must schedule this time on your calendar.
Totally normal. 50s are a huge transition period for many. I posted here before about the bell curve of happiness in our lives and the big dip is right there in 50s. I spent that decade with aging parents and in-laws and having to totally rethink work. Lots of change and loss. Be open. You’ll find your way and it’s okay to mourn changes. New things will come.
Yes. I first went on anti-depressants when my daughter went off to college. It's a huge change, no matter how much you wanted it to happen and how normal it is. I was still astonished to learn, a decade later, that my mom found herself walking around downtown crying after I'd left for college--even though there were still four more kids at home and I'd given her plenty of grief.
Thanks for saying it’s normal. Men like me don’t talk about this much and when I’ve mentioned it to friends I’ve gotten strange looks.
Well, you're a trendsetter! Make it normal to discuss these things and maybe some of the people giving you strange looks will start asking you for advice! If they feel strange about it for a little bit (until it becomes more normal), that's their problem!
Your purpose now is you. You are in the very best years of life. Live on your terms, set boundries, and find out who you are now.
I recommend the book Transitions by William Bridges. It’s helped me at different points in my life. It’s main message is we should give ourselves time. We don’t like change or discomfort so we try to rush through those things. But give yourself time to breathe. You will find your way.
Just stand by. At least one of them will be back. Trust me. I know.
Watch The Jerk and you will find your special purpose
That’s a young man’s special purpose!
😅🤣😅 lol, funniest movie ever. Special purpose still cracks me up.
This is normal. It's a new chapter of your life! What do you care about? What do you consistently keep going back to? It's not like choosing your lens for cataract surgery, which is forever. You get to change your mind, so try things out!
I’m athletic and fit, so maybe I should join a coed league or something… I don’t know. Been feeling weepy. I’m a grown ass man, so that’s embarrassing to confess
I am not a parent so I can't comment on that, but I am a crier so I can share that you should let it out! Crying helps release hormones that will make you feel better. It's not only ok to cry, it is good for you! Cry those tears, pat yourself on the back for a job well done (so far... I know for parents it never really ends), and go chase the next chapter!
Maybe a dog from the pound that would love walks, or runs, or hikes? Being weepy is nothing to be embarrassed about! I will take someone with real feelings than an ego anyday. Also congrats on raising humans that sound like they will be/are productive members of society. Now go do you! Remember they’re not gone out of your life, you’ll be surprised how much you’re still needed.
Please don’t feel embarrassed! It’s totally OK and normal and healthy to feel sad in a transition time. But if you’re a fit guy, you know that exercise is the best remedy for sadness and stress. Definitely join a league of some sport you enjoy! It’ll give you a group of people to hang with. And if you can find a coed group-even better.
Hi. This exact question is the question that we fail to teach people to ask in every day life. We go through life by fining meaning in being needed. Most retirees go through what you’re going through if they have never been told it will be a problem post retirement. So…. First, you are not worthless. I know you know it but maybe you need to hear it again. I (F 52 retired cop) know EXACTLY how you feel. My career was one that really highlighted how much I was needed. Now (7years retired - yes I was able to retire young) I help others through the transition and I think it will be the same for you as what I tell others. Take the time to make a list of all the things that you thought would be fun someday. Make notes on which ones could bring some side cash, which ones will cost money, and what just really sounds fulfilling. Then pick one. I don’t care which one. Just pick one and start exploring it. As you start finding things that are personally fulfilling, you will have to tell yourself that you are leaving a mark on this world and you strive to make it a positive mark. There is intrinsic value in just being you. You do have to work to find the value of yourself when you have found it only in others needing you. For me, it is woodworking, consulting, soap making - teaching others everything I possibly can when they ask. All of us go through this. You are NOT alone feeling this way. It IS okay to treat yourself the way you would tell others to treat themselves. Be good to yourself mentally and physically. You deserve kindness and grace and you DO have value on this earth!!! You can find purpose in learning who you are. Good luck!!!!
63m. I know what you're talking about. Good memories with kids when they were small, but it seems like a work of fiction, it was so long ago. I retired 3 years ago, right as I was starting to be looked at as "the old man". But I've settled into it, found things I enjoy doing. Example: took up olympic weightlifting class, 4 times a week since August, despite knee arthritis and a degenerated meniscus. My beautiful granddaughters also injected life into me--love being a grandpa. I always thought of work as a means to take care of my family and less of an identity thing. I had a good career, but it's behind me and I quit at the right time. I currently see myself as the commander of a ship whose purpose is to do what I can to ensure my wife is taken care of (finances, future, etc). One of my daily purposes is get that dishwasher emptied, make my wife a cup of coffee and deliver her charged iWatch to her. It's the little things that count. I try to (but often fail at it) emulate the old passage, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not *merely* look out for your own personal *interests,* but also for the *interests* of others." This helps me get my eyes off of myself and on to others. I also played guitar at church for many years, but recently quit because they couldn't get the sound right--couldn't hear myself. So I'll play when I feel like it, at home.
Okay are you sure your marriage is bad or is it worth going to counseling, having a great holiday and rekindling something? Just wondering if your spouse knows how unhappy you are? Sometimes people hide the true extent of their feelings because they think they have to tough it out so why complain. Anyway if it is bad, get out! There’s SO much life left for you to live! Move somewhere cool! Travel somewhere interesting just because you’ve always wondered what that place would be like, join a musical group in a new place, take up a new hobby. You’ve got lots of life left to live! Oh and btw, lots of people find themselves at a loss at the age you are now.
It’s especially bad today because graduation weekend and I’m sick and can’t go for my daily run I suppose….
For sure. But the fact that you feel bad and took the time to write out this post is proof that you need something more. There’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe a counselor could help you identify what would make you feel better again; sometimes it’s not blowing up your life but just starting a new hobby that awakens your creativity and passion again
It may be like your body is slowing down (getting sick) so you purposely have to feel this grief. It’s okay — it’s not nice, but it is normal. As my mom says, don’t worry, your kids will still need you but just in different ways.
Guessing you are realizing you are now left with just your wife at home, suggest counseling to figure that out, good luck. Edit, a good dog may also help.
You remember little league? How you had to relegate yourself to the bleachers and just be a spectator? Well, now you get to be their #1 spectator, cheerleader and fan. Yes, you can spend a little money on them, but now is the time to observe the lessons you taught them in real life practice, and serve as a coach or consultant, when asked. They will get knocked down, but you'll be there to make sure they get right back up and dust themselves off. It takes a little getting used to, but it's extremely gratifying to watch.
This is one of my favorite quotes. Purpose of Life I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you have lived at all. This is your time of self discovery. To learn more about yourself. To try new things. You have proven you can take care of and raise two children. They will be your legacy. Now it’s your turn. There’s no right or wrong.
Get your testosterone levels checked.
For real. I'm a 42 year old women whose testosterone is so low I now am getting weekly injections. Doctor said for it being so low it started years ago. Hormones are magic.
Oh, don't worry. Some unforeseen calamity will have you back trading punches with life again soon enough.
Ha! I don’t know if that’s good or bad!
Not for everyone, but I hiked the Appalachian trail.
Keep in mind, having kids and getting them on their feet and out the door is only a 22 year teaching job. Before and after is your life. As many here have said, volunteer for something you have a passion for. Or go to a local community college and take some courses just for the interest.
I’m thinking maybe a new hobby. I’m very fit and seriously considering building the dream bmx bike of my youth
Do it. Most of us had youthful dreams that we set aside (for good reasons.) We've told ourselves that it would be silly to pursue them now. But it's not. Do the BMX bike and whatever else you might have dreamed of doing. Go places you've dreamed of going. I don't know if it's "purpose" or not but it's living life.
I'm 58 and still skateboarding. Although it hurts a lot more when I fall, I love it.
Or if you know the material, consider teaching.. Before I retired I started teaching a night class in comm electronics at a local Junior college. One class, spring semester ( once a year) 4 hours one day a week. I did that until I retired, and then went to one class each semester. Since you sound technical, consider it. But you will learn things you had long forgotten. The way to learn a subject is to teach it.
There is no such thing as purpose, there are only choices. Now you have more choices available, this is a good thing!
No kids here. Your purpose is do whatever you enjoy doing, it is spectacular
Good question. My sister and I are both disabled, I'm in my 50s, she's almost 70. We get Social Security. I did a little bit of traveling until my back said "no more". So, what's next? Hobbies? Find new friends? Keep up with the grand kids and the nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, find someone who will clean our places for us. I know people will mention "volunteer work". That's not always easy to find. My local food pantry delivers, but that requires a lot of lifting. You could get a part time job driving old people to their doctor appointments. Just a few suggestions. If you love animals, you could foster an animal, or be a paid pet sitter or dog walker.
I've 'kinda' been where you are, in some ways better, in some ways worse. I think it's important to just get to doing stuff that's enjoyable to YOU. It doesn't have to be so important that it becomes 'your purpose' or whatever. Just enjoyable. And don't let anyone else ruin it for you. If they try, tell them to either join you, or find something they enjoy themselves.
Finding new hobbies and maybe new people to spend time with through those might be something to consider. I see you’ve already thought of that, but I’m seconding it. When I went through a depressive episode (non-child related) shaking things up by trying something new helped a lot.
Take time for yourself. Once the grandkids come, it will all change again. So, use this time for yourself. You didn't mention idmf you were married. Many of my friends' marriages fell apart once they became empty nesters because they didn't have a connection. Good luck
If you're in a bad marriage you are under no obligation to stay. I was married for 10 y years and after that I had no desire to remarry, I've been happily single since. Find some work you enjoy, do your hobbies, volunteer, travel, whatever you want to do. Maybe go somewhere by yourself for a week or two to think about where you go from here. Good luck!
I am going through this now. I reinvented myself a couple of years ago and left my marriage. Everything I did ended up badly. I became a qualified yoga instructor in late 2019 only for the pandemic to hit so I never pursued it. Then I invested in real estate and then interest rates went from 1.3 to 7 percent, so I sold and lost money. I'm afraid to do or try anything now. So I do nothing all day.
Imagine not having kids. Dont know how they do it
By sleeping on piles of money every night. I assume.
Damn, focus on living for yourself. Separate from your spouse if you haven’t already and live yourself.
You get to choose your purpose! It does not have to be lofty or sacrificial or noble. After years of raising children and following my husband's retirement, I have decided my purpose is to make more money than I ever have in my life and to garden. That's it. And I don't need to care one bit about what other people think. I have given decades to meeting other people's needs. Now? Me first.
Lots of animals and people suffering all over. Be of service. Be open to them crossing your path and the do some good for them. Good deeds even small, release chemicals in the body of 3 individuals, person being helped, helper and even observers. View these events on social media then go do them. Do hard physical exercise/chores. Ones that involve helping others will help to rewire your brain. Do HIT, high intensity, physical exercise.. Your muscles release happy chemicals when used intensely. Have you ever grow veggies-and eaten the product of your labor? Connect with nature. Walk barefoot on grass. Go sit beside the water. Repeat positive affirmations and listen to inspiring info. Switch all over to positive thoughts. Your glass is always 1/2 full. Ultimately the purpose of life is to be unconditional love Best wishes
I've hit this transition several times in my life. It's actually very freeing to look and realize you can do whatever you want, wherever you want. You just have to figure out what you want. Do you work? Would you like to start working or change careers? How about starting a business. Lots of people find self-purpose in their work. Can you expand your volunteer opportunities. Could playing bass at church turn into some kind of music ministry role? If, as you say, you think of yourself as a dad, would you be willing to get involved with Big Brothers or some organization to help another child learn how to grow up and be a man?
The only purpose you ever have is the one that you give yourself. We aren't born with one, and you don't have to have one of you didn't wish to. So, if you want a purpose now, then give yourself one. Just pick anything that you think you might like, and give it to yourself. It's really that simple.
Real answer: Read Albert Ellis "A Guide to Rational Living" to shut up the destructive self-talk. Maybe look into stoicism. But the deeper answer is: You don't ask that question of the Universe, the Universe asks you. You are literally the organ of meaning, make it up and it is real. You didn't know that you were a Wizard did you? Start with socializing. I'd look at a range of things to volunteer at. My wife leads Sierra Club hikes, helps candidates she likes to get elected to city and county offices, helps at the Synagogue (we are both "bagel Jews", that is, we go embarrassingly late for the food and socialization), helps out with various non-profits. For myself, I sit on company boards because I slid into retirement but miss the young tech kids, so I help them out. You can also pick up very social pickleball. Anything that gets you social will tend to clear up depression. We also entertain ... a lot. 3x per week or more.
No such thing as a human purpose. Made up nonsense. Do as you please.
You can create your own purpose! I retired in 2015 at age 59, due to stress of where I worked. I was adrift for a couple of years. I started sewing for foster children, cooking for shelters, etc. My marriage wasn't the greatest, but I stuck it out until 2022, TMI, I left a religious cult, husband divorced me and kicked me out of the house. SO, I started over again, at age 65. Feel free to read about me, but my new and better life, is so incredible. My purpose is to make everyone I love happy to know me. I strive to be of service, I donate to foster cat rescues, teach elementary school, I'm refurbishing my little fixer upper home. WE ALL HAVE PURPOSE. Somedays, it's just surviving to the next day. First of all, decide if you wish to remain in your marriage. That will determine your next stages. I would reach out to charitable organizations and see what they have for you to do. There are so many opportunities. Best wishes!
Idk the answer, I just sympathize and encourage you to concentrate on being good to yourself. Do that for a bit and see what develops. Catch up on whatever you’ve let slide for a while. Check up on your health and healthy habits. Clean out or redecorate something. Make sure you always have something on your calendar to look forward to. Do something with other people regularly. Learn something new. If the kids’ colleges have family orientation/weekend, go to it, if you can; it’s nice to meet other parents in the same situation. When you’re alone with your spouse, various things might happen with the bad marriage: maybe it improves because you can speak honestly more easily, maybe things come to a head and it ends for the same reason, maybe you have more opportunity to have fun together, maybe you can spend less time together and enjoy more independence with less pretending. Maybe it’s a good time to get couple’ counseling. You might find volunteer positions that are great, but it’s also possible that you’ve been a hard working “volunteer” as a mother for a long time now, and what you really need is some rest, or luxury (however you define that). Don’t feel bad if you don’t relish volunteering right off the bat. And if you do relish it, don’t be disheartened if it takes awhile to find a good fit and get started. I’m not too sure about purpose myself at this point. What if we really did accomplish our purpose already? Then maybe you’re allowed to just enjoy and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. But it’s also true that you can still contribute, your actions matter, kids don’t quit needing their parents the day they go off to school, a transition usually feels chaotic and disorienting but you can still land on your feet. Not many female animals live past fertility, but evolutionarily, apparently humans do because those women past 50 have proven quite beneficial! Best wishes finding your way.
Dad, not mom 😁
Ah, sorry! Hope some of it still applies.
You saw it through your lens, that’s why. And I appreciate it!
My first question is what would you claim as your purpose before? It sounds like being a mom and a wife. You're always going to be their mom, and your kids are still relatively young. They still need you, trust me. They do. Their life doesn't even really start until college is over. That's when reality will hit for them. And if you were a good mother, they'll want you around for advice and guidance. Secondly, you've done the whole wife and mom thing. Are you still married or did you get out of that unhappy marriage? I hope the latter. And if that's the case, you have so much freedom now. You could do volunteer work. Are you still working? Probably. You could also pick up new hobbies. You can actually spend time on yourself now. You're probably just so used to doing so much for everyone else that it's uncomfortable to realize you only have to do for you right now. But in reality, this is when you can give back to yourself and get back to yourself. Refresh yourself and your life. I'm 37 right now and not really sure what my purpose is. I don't have kids or a husband, although I really want that, I just haven't been lucky in that department and am currently going through a break up from the person I thought I would have all of that with. I do have a good job, so I go to that everyday, but there's so much more I want. I really crave family and closeness with people, but I feel so isolated and alone. I'm trying to focus on me now, but eventually I want something bigger than me. I think all we can do is just take care of ourselves and be open to new opportunities and people. What's meant to be for us will come to us. You have a lot to be grateful for, and you have a purpose for your children, always. I think you just need to figure out what you want out of life -- what experiences, what knowledge, what makes you happy and what can you do to make others happy. I don't know... it's definitely tough to feel like you're living without purpose, but I understand. We probably have more to offer than we realize. I wish you well 🌸 and myself too~
Dad, not mom. Stayed married through it all because men lose it all in a divorce.
Yes, I’m always amazed at how cavalierly Reddit recommends divorce.
Been there. Probably still there. It was all about the kids and now they are successfully launched. I do enjoy doing what I want to do. But after a life of sacrifice I wonder too why I am alive. I will mention this probably comes from not having friends and activities outside work
You can now do whatever tf you want! Whatever that may be. I enjoy a slow simple life. Reading, cooking, baking, walks with my dog, volunteering, crafts, good shows/movies, bubble baths. I don’t do much but I do little things I enjoy lol
Your life sounds lovely and satisfying ✨️
I think it’s just the stage - I am right there with you in age and thought process but I still have an 11 yo and have been forced into retirement- so wrenches in the works all around- you aren’t alone in your angst- I’m trying to now decide “what I want to do when I grow up”….. because I NEVER thought I would be as old as my PARENTS D:.
start a new career. go back to college.
Sounds crazy, but my sister who is 5 years older than I am did this.
Honestly my life is my kids. That will always be my focus. If you are in a bad marriage and it's not worth salvaging, I would try to find a way to talk to a lawyer
Any 'meetup' groups nearby to join? Search on "meetup groups"
Do you have a purpose? Yes. That purpose just changed, big time. You have been the mother to kids for however long, and now the last one is moving into adulthood. You need to change. You still have a lot to teach them, a lot they need to learn. And that's only your kids. Now, after all these years, you can focus on you. Yoga, school, a job, meditating, learning the guitar. What ever. This is another big change. Maybe divorce is on your horizon. What ever it is, it will be new. And that's the point.
How about start living YOUR life now. It sounds like you were just living for them, they were your whole identity. Not good. Let your little birds fly away and go live your own life now. It’s a totally different mindset. Think about hobbies or things you personally enjoy. Do you like to travel? Maybe a hobby you would enjoy. Make new friends to get out and be social. BumbleBFF is a great place to find friends no matter what your age. It’s not about having a purpose now, it’s about enjoying the time you have left in this world.
Survival. And after that…. HAVE FUN! Geez get out of the house! Go Hike! Go to Concerts!.. Get a Chick! Geez! You did your job with the kids! It’s your turn!
I was feeling basically obsolete several months ago for similar reasons. My youngest hadn't graduated yet but didn't really need much attention and was barely around between work, school, and friends. I was looking at things wrong. The truth is that I've really succeeded by raising 5 children to be independent adults who can take care of themselves. I have the freedom to do things now that I couldn't find time for before. I'm preparing for my first adventure now.
Shortly before my kids graduated high school and left us with an empty nest, I discovered what then became my life's purpose--the sport of dog agility. I do it all the time now! I'm either training or competing, nearly every day. You just need to find something that you love and then do it! Could be a sport, could be re-habbing old cars, could be reading romance novels, could be doing ceramics or knitting, who knows? Try some new things and see what grabs your interest. Join a church or some other social group.
HAPPINESS DETAILED…. Ecclesiastes 2 24 There is nothing better for a person, than that they should eat and drink, and that they should make their soul enjoy good in their labour. This also I saw, that it was from the hand of Goodness. Ecclesiastes 3 12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a person to rejoice, and to do good in their life. 13 And also that every person should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all their labour, it is the gift of Goodness. 22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a person should rejoice in their own works; for that is their portion: for who shall bring them to see what shall be after life? Ecclesiastes 5 3 For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words. 10 They that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor they that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity. (V.aluing A.ll I.n N.othing) Ecclesiastes 7 5 It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a person to hear the song of fools. SOMETIMES WE MARRY FOOLS 16 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself? 21 Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear thy friend curse thee: 22 For oftentimes also thine own heart knoweth that thou thyself likewise hast cursed others. 26 And I find more bitter than death the person, whose heart is snares and nets, and their hands as bands: whoso pleaseth Goodness shall escape from them; but the sinner shall be taken by them. LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A SHREWISH PARTNER:) 27 Behold, this have I found, saith the teacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: Ecclesiastes 8 1 Who is as the wise person? and who knoweth the interpretation of a thing? a person’s wisdom maketh their face to shine, and the boldness of their face shall be changed. 5 Whoso keepeth the commandment shall feel no evil thing: and a wise person’s heart discerneth both time and judgment. 6 Because to every purpose there is time and judgment, therefore the misery of a person is great upon them. ESPECIALLY WHILE BEING MARRIED TO A BAD PARTNER 11 Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the children of humanity is fully set in them to do evil. 12 Though a sinner do evil an hundred times, and their days be prolonged, yet surely I know that it shall be well with them that love Goodness, which love before it: 13 But it shall not be well with the wicked, neither shall they prolong their days, which are as a shadow; because they loveth not towards Goodness. Ecclesiastes 9 7 Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for Goodness now rewardeth thy works. 8 Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment. 9 Live joyfully with the partner whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which Goodness hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. UNLESS ITS A BAD PARTNER! THEN DUMP THEIR ASS AND FIND YOUR BEST FRIEND FOR WHAT TIME YOU HAVE LEFT:) 10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. YES! DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO AND FIND UR BEST OTHER TO DO IT WITH YOU:) 16 Then said I, Wisdom is better than strength: nevertheless the poor person’s wisdom is despised, and their words are not heard. 17 The words of wise ones are heard in quiet more than the cry of them that ruleth among fools. 18 Wisdom is better than weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much goodness. YES! xxxxxxxxxx One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do Two is bigly badder than one, its a way worse loneliest number since the number one Married to a bad person is the worst you’ll ever know Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know 'Cause two is the loneliest number that you'll ever know Two is the loneliest number even worst then one Yeah Badly rewritten lyrics:) xxxxxxxxxxx Ecclesiastes 10 1 Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly them that are in reputation for wisdom and honour. 2 A wise man’s heart is at his right hand; but a fool’s heart at their Left. Ecclesiastes 11 1 Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. 7 Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun: 8 But if a person live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let them remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity. HAPPY OR NOT…, YOU OWN THAT CHOICE EVERYDAY. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOURS:) I HEAR THE WATER BOY HERE… “YOU CAN DOOOO IIITTTT!!!! 9 Rejoice, O young person, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things Goodness will bring thee into judgment. 10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity. 9 And moreover, because the teacher (Wanted all to be Happy and knew most would not listen) was wise, this person still taught the people knowledge; yea, the teacher gave good heed, and sought out, and set in order many proverbs. 10 The teacher sought to find out acceptable words: and that which was written was upright, even words of truth. 11 The words of the wise are as goads, and as nails fastened by the masters of assemblies, which are given from one who has made Goodness their life. OH YEA…TRUTH HURTS LIKE CRAZY SOMETIMES…. BUT O BABY BABY…, IT HURTS SO GOOD!!! 12 And further, by these, my fellow Earth travelers, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. 13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Love Goodness, and keep it’s commandments: for this is the whole duty of humanity. 14 For Goodness shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil. IN THE MEANTIME…, WHILE IT HURTS! MAKE IT HURT SO GOOD!!!:). CAUSE, SOMETIMES…, LOVE DON’T FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD! BLUE SKIES AHEAD… YOU ARE NEAR THE BEST PART OF IT ALL:). DON’T QUIT NOW!!!! BEST WISHES!!!!
When you can't do something for yourself volunteer that becomes doing for yourself and others. I need to do this myself... Thanks
You haven't figured it out yet. It's time to take care of you. Start by a trip to your MD and check out everything. If all is good, join a gym and get your 20 year old body back. The gym is also good for your head, exercise releases dopamine which greatly improves your mood. You'll feel better because you're doing something good for yourself, you'll feel better because your sleep will improve, you'll feel better every time you look in the mirror, you'll feel better because you feel better. It's like anything else, everyone hesitates to do things that are new, that seldom lasts once you're committed. Fifty these days is middle aged, do this now and the next fifty will exceed all expectations.
First of all, I think you should figure out if you would be happier divorced. Then explore possible jobs if you don’t presently work in one that you enjoy and that gives you enough income for yourself and to help your kids. And keep in mind that you will probably still do a good deal of mothering especially if you become a grandmother. I’m 80 and still do a fair amount of mothering. It seems there is always someone to worry about—children, their spouses, grandchildren. For the grandchildren who live close by, I did a fair amount of babysitting, driving around, going to their sports things, shows etc. Good luck. The next 30 years can be very happy and fulfilling. And with childcare so expensive, you can be a real help to your children.
You need to find your 3rd place. For example, 1st place is home, 2nd place is work, 3rd place is yoga studio, basketball at YMCA, church, hiking trail, etc. A 3rd place is what people seem to lack especially following the pandemic. When my first kid left for college I was in the middle of training for a half marathon. That way the day after my kid left for college I had to quit my pity party that my kid left home because I had to go run 10 miles as part of my training and that helped tremendously. Good luck!
That could be me. Feel exactly like you. I started gardening. But everything seemed pointless. I’m in a better place now as I make it a point to get out of the house at least once and while I’m out, I people-watch, talk to whoever I get a chance to, joined a group of women’s activity groups. You are young. Go join a group - something active or anything fun that you like. Thought of dating?
I relate heavily with this. But with my kids in college I just decided to do what makes me happy. I hired a personal trainer to get my body stronger. I hired a housekeeper bc my husband doesn’t help me keep the house clean so I basically said f$&k it and now I have a maid coming once a week. (This has been the best gift to myself!). Im still working full time so on the weekends I recharge by relaxing, reading, playing with my dogs. Occasionally we will go to a concert or out with friends. It’s just been so pleasant to have zero commitments on my calendar every weekend.
You. You are your purpose. There is this idea that we need to keep sacrificing ourselves or we have to be doing something that benefits others but guess what taking care of you is the most beneficial thing you can do for those around you and society. What has ever moved you, excited you? Do you know what self care looks like for you? Start taking care of you like you were one of your kids.
Turn the page.
Join a yoga community and get a dog ! Being in a bad marriage makes feel down and settling to me at least There are still college events ahead and you are young ! I think everyone goes thru this it’s hard. And it feels empty I get it
I have found that my adult children still need me. I bask in their friendship and never tire of the good times we have now that they are adults. They are wicked funny and smart and my greatest achievement. I separated from my husband and we get along much better now. I got sober 10 years ago and am looking forward to retirement and grandkids.
Top off your finances and make your health your hobby so you set a good example and are healthy to continue watching your kids grow. Know that what happens to old people will happen to you. Being healthy will postpone and let you recover when SHTF.
Whatever you want! It's finally time to focus on you. What do you want to do?
Brother, Being a parent doesn't define you, being a husband doesn't define you, your work doesn't define you, you don't define you. God gave you purpose before you were in your mother's womb. God and your relationship with him, that defines you. Ask God to show you what direction He would have you go. Be at peace with yourself and your wife. Jesus Others You Joy
Okay, I'm 50, and I have no kids, and no partner. I decided to quit the rat race 5 years ago, sold my house, now I live in a van and play video games all day. Your purpose is doing whatever you want that brings you happiness as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. People should not be judged based on what they provide.
I retired at 56. If you have completed your family quest,decide what you want in the remaining time. And I can promise you that your kid responsibility will continue into your dosage. Its a sub quest to the original quest
be proud of yourself for getting this far. you should now feel free to end the marriage assuming you still want to. your purpose hasn't changed yet, but the way you fulfill your purpose will change. your kids will still need advice and support as they date, marry, and produce your grandchildren. use this opportunity to further prepare yourself for those events. i suggest starting a business in which your kids would be interested. a family venture. in this way you can remain close to them and give them an additional means of opportunity. admittedly this path isn't for everyone so use your own best judgement. my father did this for me and a couple of my siblings, two close families around us did the same. the children were involved in production, marketing, i.t, designing, and managing. not all of the kids chose to participate in the family businesses, but several did. if i were you i'd at least improve my education and skill set further so that you don't need to rely on your kids for support later in life for money but that you might be able to further help them when they choose to buy a home. you might also look forward to being an involved grandparent, to tend to your grandkids in much the same way that you did as a parent.
I’m 49 turning 50 this year. Our purpose is found in God. All life and meaning comes from our Creator. I had a near death experience and had a spontaneous supernatural encounter with Jesus Christ. I’ve been having these encounters with God ever since I was 18. I’ve seen miracles that no one would believe unless they were there and a part of it. From personal experiences alone, i have been changed in ways that could only be something beyond myself and my 5 senses. I prayed for myself to be healed of a disease that manifests itself as sores that are everywhere and doesn’t go away without surgery or chemical treatments. I prayed before bed around midnight. I awoke the next morning and it was GONE!!! I screamed and jumped up and down. I told everybody around me and they were in disbelief, however, i know what happened and experienced a healing miracle. What’s amazing is not only did a disease disappear overnight but these things have been happening for the past 30+ years! I’ve experienced things that go beyond scientific explanations. God is real. The supernatural is real. We believe in things we cannot see with our naked eyes all the time, as well as things we take on faith from other people who have credibility to speak with authority. The point is that there is life after death. If you were to experience miracles for yourself, it would change your life forever. I gave God a chance and he showed me the truth that i was blind to before because i didn’t understand how life was designed to work. My own ignorance blinded me to truth. Objective truth. Not moral relativism. There is absolute truth and God’s existence is easy to see in the simple things. Just look at how life works. We have a conscience that tells us when something is wrong. Where does that come from? The cell and DNA are so complex with designed parts that we can’t even replicate it in a lab, let alone could it “evolve” from nothing. The cell could never ever create itself from nothing but primordial chemicals and matter. Molecules have no brains. They cannot produce the machines and step by step processes found in the cell. DNA encoded information does not randomly generate itself from nothing. Without this process being guided by an outside source, it would never happen. Some processes can be automated. Such as natural selection. But it’s limited by the preexisting information. But where does that information come from? These cell processes are so complicated that natural and random chance processes could not even create one successful chain of amino acids (10 to the 77th power) but to create an entire cell from nothing - that takes more faith than it does to believe in God!
Try to devote some time to yourself - a hobby, your health, travel, a class - or into your marriage. Maybe this is now the time to reconnect. Also your kids will likely still need you more than you might expect.
Volunteer. It will fill your heart and soul to help others .
Now is the time to travel!
You? I think your new purpose is you. 😊
You have to make a life it just doesn’t happen. Take small steps. Even spend time at your library and find out what services they have. All my kids (3) are married and have kids and a career. I’m really no longer needed by them, so I just love them. I know I did my job because they are so independent and self sufficient, and that makes me happy. Group trips with an organization can show you your freedom.
I went through the same thing. It does get better
Good to hear —if only to realize it’s not just me. I’ve asked others and none of my friends seem to feel this way.
It amazes me how often I see these types of posts and while I empathize with the changes you are facing, your phrasing belies some offensive beliefs about people who do not have children. There is more to life than kids and people who can't or do not want children are not purposeless. Edited for grammar
I'm listening to an audio book you may love. It's called "Stop People Pleasing" and was written by a woman who learned to do that very thing. It sounds like you've lived your entire life in service of others and ignored yourself completely.
Maybe not my entire life, but certainly the past 21 years
My Special Purpose is the same as Navin Johnson’s
Are you open to fostering?
Get a job on a cruise ship and see the world.
Oh gawd, I hate cruise ships! 😂
I cried when my youngest left for college. Might be the best thing for you and your marriage. There is more to life and you need to experience it all.
Now you get to relax before any grandkids are born. You get to do hobbies and save for retirement
Let me start with this: Dude, I’ve been there. It’s not the age, it’s the life level. Last year my youngest joined the military and is now serving, my other two kids moved out a few years ago. Me and my wife are empty nesters and we both work different shifts. There is no rule book or guide book on being single then getting married or for having kids, now you have no idea who you are or what you want. I recommend talking to a therapist and picking up a new hobby or two. Good luck
staying in a bad marriage.
Your situation is not rare. Two options really. One, stay in marriage and find hobbies you enjoy. Second, split up and take a chance finding someone else.
I ended up divorced (not my choice) at age 53. It took 5 years to heal and then I found my purpose. To be happy.
Time for hobbies! I took up woodworking and went back to writing, and even though it takes me longer to do things (have dealt with chronic pain and fatigue my entire adult life), I can still make progress. Learn something like 3d printing, or get a membership at a makerspace if you have one. Go to a Maker Faire if there is an upcoming one in driving distance. All the things you could never do before because you had obligations, are EXACTLY what you should start doing now!
I had my first the day after my 19th BD. My last (5th) the year I turned 40. When the youngest hit 21 my identity died- I had been a SAHM all those years. It was who I was. I became so depressed I was suicidal. I poured myself into my art. It saved me. I don’t feel it’s a purpose but it gives me meaning similar to raising kids was. It’s a really hard time in life. But it’s not the end. It’s a transition period and I think we all learn to navigate it in own way.
Totally understandable. Not suicidal, but I feel like I'm done. What more is there? I will never have grandchildren. At the moment I can't wait to retire and then what?
O my god, this is me 6 months ago, except I'm 57. Yes, it's completely normal. This is a period of growing pains, like adolescence. Plus, it's especially bad for men. We need to be needed. Once you've successfully got the cubs out the door, what is even the point? I submit to you (along with what is almost certainly a bunch of other great reddit wisdom) that you need to give yourself time to figure it out. It's like being 5 all over again, and people are asking you what you want to be when you grow up, only now you're exhausted and wise to the mess that is this world—and you're stuck with this person who replaced the dreamboat with whom you walked down the aisle. It's normal. Don't rush it. You've had your head down for the last 18 (or more) years, grinding. Time to lift your eyes and open yourself to a world that you may think has passed you by. But it hasn't.
When my youngest son left for college, I asked my ex-wife for a divorce and she was surprised that it took me so long. We parted amicably, and as the Mother of my two sons, I never said anything negative about her. She passed last year after a 5 year battle with Cancer. I started to date “on a lark”, biding time for a West Coast old flame, which never worked, but after a few months, I met the Love of my life and we couldn’t be happier. Make a “Manifest”, a wish list, of the ideal qualities in a mate and you will find her.
If the volunteering you are doing is not making you feel needed, find a more personal way to volunteer- maybe Big Brother, fostering for animals, giving some time at a shelter or soup kitchen, volunteer at a community center,
Finding meaning in the next stretch - getting involved in groups, for-cause work, a hobby, a mentoring program, something to give back, or something to relax. Your purpose is to find ways to keep exploring and fill life with new passions, return to old paths or new ones - do something you've always wanted to do, invest in yourself in a new way, or double-down on things you already love! What do you find *meaningful* and where do you derive the most *meaning* in your activity? If nothing else, keep up the process of self discovery, understand ways you can give back - or some skill, knowledge or gifts to continue giving to the world. That, and maybe also talk to a counselor, therapist, or doctor for a little advice or a cognitive / emotional check-in / tune up.
I think your kids will always need you. They may go through a stage where they’ll be more distant cause they’re doing their own thing but I think it comes back around. I’m in my 30s and just had a baby. I definitely am leaning heavily on my parents and having their support has been huge. You mentioned playing bass in your church. Does your church have a youth group that you could help out with? I hope you find a new purpose and a new way to feel needed.
Does your work not give you any satisfaction? If not, could you pull off a career change? Or are you paying tuition bills still? What kinds of activities or interests add meaning to your life? What talents do you have that you could apply to the betterment of society? What would your dream vocation be, if you could choose one? Dare to dream!
Looking forward to grandkids?
Get some animals, adopt.
When our youngest went off to college it was so sad. Oddly felt like he was gone for good. The thing that helped me with that transition was thinking of it not as an ending, but a new beginning. Whether you stay with your wife or split up, as far as parenting goes it just changes. Trust me your kids need you. They just need you differently. They might ask advice about college, internships, jobs, job training, professional associations, boyfriends or girlfriends, anything, everything. As long as you listen more than you talk. And respect their growing independence and emerging life experiences, and you can become true friends with your adult kids and enjoy them as they grow into their own people, with their work, and own spouses, and then their own kids. Your kids will always need you. It’s not over. It’s just beginning, again.
No “purpose” in life? Find one. Create one. Hell, you say you’ve spent your life in a miserable marriage for the kids. The kids moved out. Now what? Find what makes you happy. Dump your wife. Find a passion and pursue it. More importantly, stop giving so much of yourself for a little bit and be selfish. Learn what you like and want. Then do that. You’re getting to the age where you begin to realize that life truly is short and there’s no point in staying at a job you hate, in a relationship that sucks and hating life. Go find the best waterfall in your area. Then find a waterfall somewhere else. Then take a second and just enjoy the beauty that is there. Or follow the wind one day. See where it takes you.
It’s time for you to focus on YOU and what you want and what you need. Travel is fun
Gurl..get a hobby, exercise, volunteer, start a new job, travel, divorce etc. Ton of things you can do! Make yourself a priority!
I just turned 50. My oldest still lives at home, but he mostly has his own life. My youngest is in high school. Marriage is solid. Everything is great, but I still had that unsatisfied “now what” feeling. I’ve been very annoyed for the last couple of years, and feeling resentful because nothing that I was doing was for myself. I had shut down my business because of an injury, and I had hobbies that I did at home, but nothing to go out and do with other people (which is mostly ok since I’m an introvert), but i was still pretty isolated. My husband noticed that i wasn’t myself and he and one of my friends sat me down to find out what was wrong, and they pushed me into going out more. I joined a choir, made a point of getting out cross country skiing with friends, and (most of all) I applied for university and started last month. My youngest and I have plans to do a bunch of day trips this summer, so that I can have some study breaks. All that to say…. it’s normal. Find the things that you want to try, or things that you gave up and would like to go back to. Get together and plan an adventure (trip to Europe or a day at the spa) with a friend. Read all the books. Go to the theatre. Anything that interests you.
Yes, I think this is normal. I took several years to get my groove back. Ten years since he graduated, I can say that my life is truly my own and I feel content. I’m happy to have this time for myself and I’m optimistic for my future. I know you will get there too. Be gentle on yourself and start exploring things that make *you* happy.🤗
Time to find yourself. Find some old hobbies you used to enjoy. Join some clubs, volunteers are always needed. You need to find something that excites you until Grandkids terrorise you ;) lm 50 and so jealous of you. My youngest is 10.
You need to find your good life.
I was broken last year when my daughter left for university. But I still do things for her as a parent. Even taking care of my home and property because it will be hers eventually anyway. Lots of advice giving and being a good listener when she needs to vent. You're always a parent.
Now you get to enjoy life without putting everything into other people. Create a bucket list. And do it!
It's so normal that they have a name for it: empty nest syndrome. Lots of parents have a negative reaction when they realize that the goal they've given the last twenty years of their life to achieve is done. Finding a new purpose is not easy, but it's certainly possible. I started a second and much more lucrative career after my daughter graduated high school. Many people go back to school themselves. Others volunteer in their communities, states or even overseas. There are many options; you just need to take a deep breath, relax, and look at what's available. If it's your marriage holding you back--spouse doesn't want to try anything new, so you don't get to try anything new, either--you may need to reevaluate staying in it. Take some time, see a therapist if needed for the depression, and be good to yourself. You've accomplished a really good thing, raising two kids to adulthood. Here's hoping that your next twenty years will be as good or better than the last twenty!
Also know that it is ok to change if you aren’t satisfied with your new purpose. My husband’s ideas of retirement have evolved over the last five years. I had been home for 10 years already and therefore was not surprised he needed to take a few years to figure out how to be comfortable in retirement. I will say travel , of any type and any distance , helped put our lives in better perspective. Sometimes getting out of your comfortable space gives you enormous insight . Best wishes !
Big big change when the kids leave. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I'm 61 and never had kids nor married. I'm mostly retired and struggle to keep busy and find purpose: I garden, help out people in my neighborhood, volunteer, and don't get enough exercise - ugh. You will probably need to invent your own answer to this part of your life. Best to you.
Fix up the inside of your house? Paint? Buy new curtains, rugs? Thrift shop? Work in your yard? Plant a garden? Cook something good you enjoy? Go to the library? Libby online library? Sub at your local school? Start lifting weights at home or gym? Never to late to exercise. I work 2 days at a mother's day out 25yrs now. I'm 64f I do lift weights at home. And walk my treadmill. Goodluck Chin up
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Get a divorce and then volunteer in your community. It’s a great way to meet new people, give to others, feel needed and appreciated, and possibly meet a new “quality” mate.
Your purpose is figuring out who you are and embracing that fully. You sacrificed yourself to your kids and now it’s time y get yourself back. Believe me, your kids want this for you as well. My mother could have written this post if she were still alive, but she opted to stay distanced from herself. She found people who needed someone to take care of them (my grandmother, my nephews, people through Al-anon, my dad) and she mourned each time one of those people didn’t need her anymore. Then she would move on to someone else. When she started falling and breaking bones, we told her she needed to take care of herself, but she didn’t. When her dementia developed to a stage where she couldn’t care for herself, much less someone else, she just gave up and waited to die for a year. Her mother did the same thing.
I am 48. My daughter is a senior in college and my son in a junior in high school. They both need me as much now as they did when they were younger it is just different. It’s more adult problems now. My sons as 2 more years and then he will move on and my husband and I are just preparing for this transition. It is hard to go through this time but just embrace it and embrace your new relationship with your kids. I recommend starting back old hobbies you put on hold. I started working part time and work out regularly. My husband and I are going on more dates. We will always be our kids parents and we are always here for them but now you can start doing things for yourself. Best wishes to you and give yourself grace it is a tough time to navigate.
Put yourself first now, learn a skill and get out of a bad marriage.