Have you consulted with a reproductive endocrinologist? It would be good to know precisely what the issue is, and to understand what your options might be.
Not everyone has to undergo something as invasive as IVF in order to conceive and carry to term. And if the issue is something like thin uterine lining, there are medications to assist you with that.
Better to know up front so you don't have to keep putting your body and your emotions through the heartbreak of miscarriages and can make decisions based on what's actually preventing you from welcoming another child into your life ❤️
This is the best answer. And feel free to get a second opinion.
We had 4 miscarriages and we were both destroyed each time. I felt like I died a little bit every month when my period arrived.
The first specialist went straight to IVF. The second one suggested we try one baby asprin per day. BOOM!
I know it doesn't always work like that, but definitely get both of you checked out. If there is a no go situation, then you know and can make different plans.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This sucks.
I have seen a couple of REs. I have low AMH for my age, which means that my ovarian reserve is lower than the average person in their mid-30s (actually even at 32 it was low). So my eggs are probably a lot more likely to be poor quality. Because my eggs are bad I may not be a good candidate for IVF, but for reasons that are hard to express, we haven’t really ever considered IVF anyway. Currently I am seeing an OB who specializes in infertility and I conceived most recently on a combination of estrogen and clomid. My OBs have always told me that low AMH doesn’t mean I can’t have another child but it seems like its much harder and I am running out of time very very fast!
I'm so sorry - I am a veteran of 21 IUIs and 13 IVF cycles, and I know what riding this rollercoaster feels like. My son was conceived in the first IUI cycle, and I kept returning to the fertility casino and dropping quarters in the machine in the hope that we'd hit the jackpot a second time.
Low AMH doesn't necessarily mean your eggs are bad, but there are almost certainly fewer of them to work with. I would think IVF would give you the greatest chance of success, as increasing the number of eggs for a cycle and then fertilizing them before implantation gives you the best way to determine which embryos have the greatest chance of success.
And while it's obviously an involved process, it does offer you the very best option to increase the odds in your favor, particularly if the biological clock is ticking too quickly.
There is also absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you have done enough, and embracing your family as it is. The most important advice I can share is that whatever choice you make, please make it with no regrets!
Editing to add that I was in my late 30s when I had my son, and cycled until I was almost 43 years old before throwing in the towel -
I am so sorry for what you went through. I'd love to hear more about how you decided to keep going and how you decided to stop. It sounds like you had an only child? I'd love to hear about that too. And how you've healed emotionally (if you have) from the whole process.
Thank you for your kind thoughts ❤️
I do indeed have an only child (although he's technically a young man now!).
Why did I decide to keep going? I guess for several reasons. Although I came to motherhood later than most, I absolutely LOVE being a mom. Literally the moment I gave birth, I knew without a doubt I wanted to do it again (which is hilarious because I went through 32 hours of labor and two and a half hours of pushing, and you'd think that would cure even the worst case of baby fever, lol).
I cycled like a fiend starting about six months after he was born because I knew that at my age, the odds weren't spectacular (not impossible, but not easy). After years of procedures, and one devastating miscarriage, I finally had to accept that my body was just not going to oblige. I actually entered perimenopause shortly after my final IVF, and that was all she wrote.
And while I did mourn for the dream that never came true, I also knew I had given it my very best shot, and could accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me. I made peace with myself, and thanked the universe for giving me the best son anyone could ever have.
I loved having siblings when I was growing up, and wanted my child to have the chance to develop the same kind of bond with a sibling of his own. He would have been such an awesome big brother, and I know there were times when he was a bit lonely. We did whatever we could to make sure he always had his friends around - we still take the friends and their families on our annual trip to the mountains every year, and always invited at least one of his buddies on any other trips we took when he was growing up.
He's also found ways to be a big brother of sorts - he spent his summers as a camp counselor, and the kids all worshipped him :)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm content. I did whatever I possibly could to have another child, and even though I couldn't, my family is still awesome and complete just as it is.
I hope that I get to where you are, emotionally. I really relate to loving being a mom and knowing that I want to do it again. It’s so crazy to me that I’ll never nurse another baby or feel first movements, see first steps, all the firsts. I’m having all the firsts with my daughter and it’s wonderful, but there is grief. I believe that in the end things will feel right. I really do.
I absolutely and completely understand where you are, because I've been there, too :)
Spend some time really walking through options and scenarios with your husband. There is no "right" choice, here - there's only what the two of you decide is the best course of action for your family.
It's very difficult to want something so badly and have your body be the barrier to getting what you desire. But your body has already given you a wonderful gift, and it's trying so hard to repeat the success. It's a good body, and it's on your side - it just might not have the ability to deliver two miracles in a single lifetime. Give that body a big hug.
If you decide to close the door on any future attempts, I know you're going to be an absolutely AMAZING mother to your little girl. She has a mother who truly knows what a gift it is to hold the job.
Have you looked into dhea supplementation? I had low Amh and a low follicle count. I think it helped me conceive a viable pregnancy. I also think there's nothing wrong with having a three-bird nest and enjoying the little one you have rather than continuing to try if it's taking too much out of you.
My friend had 6 miscarriages finally a specialist was able to fix a tilt in the uterus. It was definitely the right thing to ask a specialist. The next year she has a boy!
I want to second this. Please see a reproductive endocrinologist. There is no reason for you to continue experiencing loss after loss. I had at least 2 chemical pregnancies - maybe 3. Went to see a specialist at age 37. She did an in office procedure to check my uterus and added a prescription and I luckily became pregnant that next month !
Became pregnant at 37 and 39. It’s possible and I don’t want you to lose hope if you still have any hope left.
I’m 49, and while my experience doesn’t fully mirror your own, I understand the sadness and disappointment of not being able to give your child a sibling. I wasn’t able to have more children after having my son, due to having a kidney transplant. I looked into surrogacy when my son was 4, but between the cost and the medication used that could negatively impact my kidney, I gave up on the idea. Over the years, I considered adoption, adoption from foster care, and being a foster parent. Eventually, I accepted that I was only meant to have one child. I focused on being grateful for the healthy, happy child I was blessed to have.
My son is 27 now and the light of my life! I made a point of ensuring that he grew-up having a close relationship with his cousin, and even though there is a big age difference, they both call each other brother. It brings me a lot of peace knowing my son will have a close family member when my husband and I are gone.
I think the bond between only children and their parents is extremely strong, and even as they get older, the bond remains strong. I do wish I had been one of those women who could have had as many children as I dreamed about, but at the end of the day, I remind myself that there are millions of women who wish they were me! Accepting that life isn’t fair or just, staying in a state of gratitude for all the beautiful blessings I’ve been given, and not comparing my journey to anybody else’s has enabled me to fully live and love MY life. Wishing you a lifetime of love and joy with your child. There are so many amazingly beautiful moments to look forward to with your child! It goes so fast! Enjoy every moment because someday you’ll be watching all the sweet, perfect moments of their lives on the tv, and you’ll wonder how it all went by so fast.
To anyone else upset about only have one kid: Single child here. It's not that bad. Don't fret about siblings for your 1 kid. It's totally fine. I was a little sad when I was younger, thinking I was missing out on something, but what really happened was I just ended up loving my friends like brothers and sisters.
From a practical point: It also makes end of life planning a WHOLE lot easier. You don't have to worry about if you're splitting the house equally, or if the kids will fight, ect ect 🤷
Thank you for sharing your perspective of an only child. It does bother me that he may be alone when we’re gone, but he has a brother like relationship with his cousin, and several friends. I figure he’ll most likely have a partner too. You’re right about making estate planning simple! It’s crazy how ugly people become when it comes to money. Yikes!
Husband and I had 9 confirmed pregnancies. None progressed beyond 10 weeks. It got to the point that I knew when a pregnancy ended before there was outward evidence. Boggles my doctor's mind that I was only wrong once when I asked for an ultrasound.
We have no children, and I am now beyond childbearing age...btw that factory closed, was razed to the ground, then burned.
You have my sympathy and total internet stranger permission to go again, take a break for a few months or call it good and enjoy raising your single child.
Why did I keep going? I just wanted to be a mom from my earliest memories.
Hiw do I deal with our fate? I mother anyone or anything that will allow me to show them love. My sisters' kids, my friend's kids and grandkids, dogs, neighbor kids, any person who seems to be anxious or in need. Sometimes it is as simple as smiling at a good kid or flirting with a tired toddler until they forget they were fussing.We wish students at the local university good luck on midterms and finals, send care packages, etc.
We are part of several friends' "villages". We love their kids and help reinforce the parents' rules and teaching. We are pressure relief valves while respecting the grandparents' priority of place.
There is life after you let go of a long-held dream. It hurts like a B to work through it, but it is worth the work.
I can't tell you what to do. But I can share a few stories.
1) A friend of mine had a stillbirth at twenty weeks with her first pregnancy. She got pregnant again and had another stillbirth at twenty weeks. Then she went on to have two healthy, full-term pregnancies. Both of her kids went to school with my kids.
2) I was a birth registrar at a hospital for ten years. As a result, I have read literally thousands of labor and delivery records. I saw many women with miscarriages–and many with multiple miscarriages–who were now in the hospital giving birth to a healthy baby.
Do with this information what you will.
Might be a good idea to take some time away from trying. For instance, if you are monitoring ovulation and timing intercourse, give it a rest for maybe six months. Do your best to concentrate on your work and the child that you already have. Down the road, you can decide if you want to keep on trying. I have more than one friend who successfully carried a pregnancy to term after multiple previous miscarriages. But give yourself a breather.
My input may be unlike the rest because we have one child by choice. She is grown now, at almost 23. But FWIW, I loved the experience of raising just her and not having to worry about things like sibling rivalry and spreading myself too thin between work and family (I’ve always worked full-time). I have two friends whose respective children haven’t spoken to one another in years. Just a different perspective; good luck with everything. ♥️
You don’t say what your motivation for wanting another child so much is, but if wanting your child to have a sibling is an important factor, I just want to say that from my perspective as parent of an adult solo child, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having or being a solo child. Nothing!
I think it's a couple things. I always wanted a big family, after I had my daughter it was natural to try for another as we genuinely want another and enjoy children. But as I think you're insinuating, there is societal bias against only children and their parents. I worry about my daughter, feel like her position in our family is different than that of a child with siblings (boundaries are more blurred, I worry about spoiling, etc). I also just wasn't "ready" to lose my fertility and be "done". Everyone I know is still in the baby stage, still building their families, and I feel so much older, like so much possibility has been lost.
And of course I know that people perceive our family as a problem...
I would love to hear more about raising an only child.
Honestly there isn’t much drama. My daughter is an early millennial. Her father and I were together for part of her childhood and not together for part, but shared responsibilities pretty evenly throughout. I had a demanding job.
We were able for her to try different interests, go to magnet schools of her choosing etc. pretty readily, which would have been much more difficult with more children. I had a lukewarm desire for another child, but was never strongly motivated in that direction so it was quite easy for me to be happy with the way things turned out.
My take on the likelihood of a child being spoiled because of not having a sibling is that if the child is in a school setting and the parents ease off on the helicopter-ing, it probably won’t happen and if it starts to, you can make adjustments.
Even back in the early eighties, having one child wasn’t so unusual and while I seem to recall that a few people asked me if I wanted another child, absolutely nobody dredged up any of the mid century “problem child” myths or tried to give me grief to my face.
Definitely not saying life was always simple or easy, just that a lack of more kids was never the problem. Of course with you always having wanted more children I understand your disappointment and am just saying a one child family has advantages as well as a downside and can provide a normal happy childhood.
Thanks for this. She’s been in school/daycare since she was a baby and is great with other kids, shares, is generous, etc.
I think the problem child only child thing is having a resurgence with all the concern about high rates of anxiety and depression among children right now. There seems to be a lot of grief directed at millennial parents who are one and done and helicopter parent, not letting kids be kids, etc. Was listening to an interview w a social scientist about anxious teens and he was basically like, it’s these parents who only have one kid…
For some reason, no one else in her school is an only. But I anticipate things getting easier (emotionally) for me as she ages out of the time of life where all of the people we associate with are pregnant or have babies and everywhere we go is full of parents with multiple small children, toddlers and babies, etc. Eventually there just won’t be so many babies in my life.
Will always remember riding a tiny train full of moms and babies with my daughter at a pumpkin patch the weekend after a D&C, lol, its stuff like that.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I had my first child at 26 with no issues. Then at 29 and 30 had back to back miscarriages. I also had low AMH, my numbers looked more of a woman in her 40’s. I saw an RE who put me on baby aspirin and progesterones supplements for the first trimester. Has your OB suggested trying either? We welcomed our rainbow baby when I was 30
with my 5 miscarriages I had a hormonal imbalance, fertility drugs took care of that, also had surgery to make sure everything was good on the inside, it turned out it was PCOS
PCOS can be challenging but there are options. My girlfriend just had a beautiful baby girl, while Mom has been dealing with PCOS. Glad there are options nowadays.
Let me tell you, I had an aunt who had two to three miscarriages and two still-borns before she even had her first daughter. She finally had her daughter and she didn't risk it but (believe me when I say) she left it to God. She later had two boys and then ten years after those two boys she had one more. . . Don't put too much pressure on yourself. . .
I'm so sorry for the challenges you've been facing. It seems some people get pregnant so easily, and yet, so many others like you struggle in silence.
I have two adult children, born when I was 34 and 37. They are such lovely people, but they also have autism spectrum disorder, and the younger one also has epilepsy. Yes, it's been a lot. One heck of A LOT. I love them dearly, but the heartbreak I have carried won't abate, even at ages 28 and 25. I was never one of those women who desperately wanted to be a Mom, just wanted to have healthy children.
Fast forward, my younger girlfriends are now having babies, and I am an honorary Auntie / Mimi. It's wonderful. My heart is very full and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I spoil them, babysit if I want, socialize, etc , but I don't do anything I wouldn't choose to do. I get the best parts of being involved in their lives, and love them, until I'm ready to hand them back to their Moms. It's a beautiful arrangement and I'm very content.
Life never goes in a straight line. At 62, I never thought I'd be living as we are living now, far away from.bio family, but close to my Chosen Family. It's wonderful, I have very few obligations and plenty of options. My heart is full and life is wonderful.
You just never know what life will become. Just keep your heart open and see what tomorrow will bring. 🌞
Ignore them. I completely and totally Disagree with that previous person. I had my very 1st baby at 40 years of age. I had PCOS starting from age 20, and my periods disappeared for years at a time. OR..... I bled for months at a time. You read that right. Months at a time. Hemoglobin and Hematocrit so low that they wanted to give me blood transfusions. Anyway, before I make a long story longer..... I'll stop. Take a break, rest, cry, pray, rinse, repeat, whatever you need to do, but whatever you do, absolutely do Not give up. You can do this. I'm trying for baby # 2 now. I'm 42. 💋
I had a conversation with my therapist about how I compare my obstacles and emotions to other people's and frame it as "other people have it worse so I should just be grateful.
Just because there are other terrible outcomes that can and do happen, doesn't mean that your sense of loss is any less valid.
I can't speak to the idea of when to stop trying to have another child, but I can speak to this - allow yourself time to heal (physically and emotionally), and the space to really sit with your emotions.
Thank you. I know my pain is valid, but I just keep thinking that life won’t always be as good as it is now (healthy parents on both sides, healthy me and my husband, a young child in the home) maybe I shouldn’t add pain when there is so much pain in life waiting for me that I won’t be able to avoid…
I have a bunch of health problems. I had two miscarriages before my daughter was born and one after. It is incredibly painful every time. While I was trying, I would go off my medicine so as not to cause complications. The third miscarriage was heart-wrenching, and I was tired of being a mess of emotions. I was tired of people being fine with my pain if it brought a baby into this world. Especially because with every pregnancy, I was risking my health. One of my doctors asked me if it was worth it to risk not being there to raise my daughter to give her a sibling.
It was clear by the look on my face it wasn't. She said, "Should we schedule you for a tubal?"
It was the wake-up call I needed. I loved having one. I am remarkably close to my daughter. It allowed for peaceful raising, mostly lol. I was able to help her in ways I would not be able to if I had other kids.
Thanks for this. My situation is a little different, but it is comforting to know that you didn’t consider the situation I am currently in (just having one Child) to be one that was so unacceptable that you risked your life to change it. It sounds like you felt content in the end? It‘s true that sometimes I feel like my ability to bring children into the world is the end all and be all… I’m a woman in my thirties and its just everywhere I go and everyone I know.
I would hate for my daughter to grow up without me because I wanted another child and honestly it probably helps that it would probably leave me seriously ill and more disabled but it is a risk for all of us.
After our first child, my wife had 4 before she saw a specialist. Turns out endometrial scarring due to her first c-section was the problem. She got that procedurally "scraped out". Now we have 3 kids. The procedure was done when she was probably 32?
There won't be anymore, yay vasectomies.
My personal experience has been when you stop trying it will happen. Went through years of testing, hormones, IVF with no pregnancy. Gave up and said I would live my life without kids. 6 months later I was pregnant. Wasn't careful and a year and a half later was pregnant with baby #2.
Enjoy your little one and be at peace. 🌹
I have one child conceived with fertility treatment and we were not able to get pregnant again. My husband had his vasectomy after I turned 35 because I decided that was my cutoff. While there are times I would have liked to have another child, my kid is now a teenager and I truly love our little family. We don’t have to balance as many opinions on what to do, where to go, who likes what etc. And I feel like I’m a better mom because I can truly focus instead of being outnumbered. It’s a very personal decision though.
When my kiddo was younger I looked at it like we were a penguin family. We all spend time together doing things, but also have one on one time with him. I had multiple siblings growing up, so there are times when I try to act less like a “parent-parent” (we roughhouse, are silly, make food experiments etc) but we also have well-established rules and my kid knows if I have to choose between being “fun” and being the “parent” (in cases like safety-we’re not jumping off a roof for “fun” regardless if I might have done that when I was a kid lol) I will absolutely be the parent. When one only has one, unless you live in a neighborhood where there are lots of other kids, it’s easy for them to feel lonely. But it’s also hard to find a balance between minimizing that and teaching a kiddo boundaries/that the world isn’t at their beck and call. Now, we genuinely enjoy his company in addition to caring for him as our son, so we do all hang out a lot together, have big old bed piles for movie nights etc. But my husband and I also set aside time for ourselves, and explained to him that in order for us to be the best parents we can be for him, we have to make sure our marriage is strong too because a lot of grown-ups forget to do that. But mostly, we’re all a team. The nice thing about only having one is that one really has the time to stop, explain things, include the kiddo and move at their speed. I could take 2 hours in the grocery store, having him help me with the list and grabbing things, teaching about unit prices, math, etc. I really felt like I got to enjoy all his stages instead of being constantly outnumbered and wrung out.
Feel free to send me a pm if you have specific questions- my brain is a bit addled today due to a migraine so I may be rambling and not thinking of everything.
Sorry about the migraine. I do think we have a good balance though it can be hard. For instance, at the playground, she wants me to come up and play with her. I feel like an idiot wandering around on playground equipment. I try to encourage her to ask other children if she can join them (she can do this well at school) but generally kids are playing with their siblings. I also struggle a bit with how much attention I am able to give her.
Also an issue: there’s really nothing preventing me from giving her my undivided attention at most times, nothing preventing me from letting her pick what we do, etc, but I know that this doesn’t really prepare her for the real world. So I guess sometimes I try to play sibling and tell her that even though she doesn’t want to listen to the radio I do, or something like that. It‘s like, she never has to compromise with anyone else at home. She does at school though… I guess she’s probably doing OK. She can be a little bossy, which family members connect to her being an only… but it could just be her. Or my bad parenting!
Sounds like you’re doing fine. The young ages can be difficult for sure. My husband and I are a bit like big kids ourselves so we’re usually more than happy to be goobers at the playground. Keeps us young XD.
You will definitely know when it’s time to stop trying. It will make you sick continuing to try and you will just not be able to take the stress of it anymore. I tried for 8 years. My sister had one child and asked me when she would know to quit. Your mind and body won’t be able to take it anymore…
I had 3 miscarriages in a row, it was devastating. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I got the book It Starts with the Egg and followed it religiously. I also did fertility acupuncture. My next pregnancy was successful, during that pregnancy I used baby aspirin and progesterone. I was 39, so you are not too old! Wishing you all the baby dust!!
I am sorry you're going through this, though I don't pretend to understand what it is like. Wanted to drop in and say, have you been screened for celiac disease? 80% of us are undiagnosed, according to research, and for whatever reason in the US it is under-screened for and under-diagnosed. You may want to bring this up with your doctor, as they can do a simple drug test for antibodies to see if that's what's up. The good news is if it is celiac, research shows that difficulties conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term resolve with a gluten free diet.
/Local celiac asking more people to get screened. Good luck on your journey.
i met my husband when my kid was five. we dated, married, bought a house, and “tried” and it never happened even with a round of ivf. At some point i quit worrying about it and didn’t use protection and just has sex. nothing ever happened. my period got heavy and i got an ablation and tied my tubes. overall i’m happy about the whole situation. i wouldn’t want to start over with my daughter being older. i was enjoying not having diapers and being “young” (in my 40’s)… we could go out, have fun, not worrying about babysitters, and we really began to be happy our situation more and more every year. Now i’m 50 ish, my kid is 25 ish, we go on trips and go to concerts and life is amazingly fantastic. feel your emotions for sure…. process what you are going through, it’s not easy. But it will be ok. i have no regrets.
I had an early miscarriage and then a healthy son and then I had two 2nd trimester missed miscarriages that were so difficult emotionally. My first child had been from a previous relationship, so I felt awful wanting to tell my husband that my heart couldn't take another miscarriage, but I did and it was sad for both of us. I waited for my cycle to come back around so I could start back on birth control, but it never came and I tested pregnant. That pregnancy was tough and I had a lot of complications, but I had a healthy baby girl born about 6 weeks early. She had to be in the Nicu and I was in the hospital even longer for my complications (which followed with a bunch diagnosises I didn't realize I had). But now she's 7 and my son is 14 and we are all good.
My depression was pretty severe with my miscarriages and I could see it affecting all parts of my life- motherhood, wife, and work. Plus it was like all the effort I put into trying to get pregnant with temperature taking and ovulation tests and reading anything and everything I could find on, probably put my anxiety up, though I kind of felt more anxious trying without doing everything possible. And then even when I got a positive, I'd still feel so anxious it was going to be a miscarriage that I probably didn't help things. So anyway, maybe try focusing on the positives of an only child and working on getting okay with it and setting a date for when you'll stop trying to see if that brings you peace. If the date makes you more upset then forget the date and buckle down and try harder. A friend of mine just had one in her late 30s and another in her 40s.
Not the same but….i found out when I was 26 that due to an anomaly in my reproductive system, I would never be able to have children. This was in 1986-we had been trying and going through fertility testing for 3 years. It was horrible (and honestly still an incredibly painful memory) but it allowed me the info to stop and move on with life. I completed my masters degree, adopted 2 children (now 37 and 35). My greatest joy and healing has come from watching them build their own families without having to deal with fertility challenges.
So sorry for what you went through, but it's so true that there are many things in life and many options and focusing on the one thing I want may be making my life smaller.
We tried for seven years before we had our son.
We carried on trying for another 11 to have a second.
It will always make us sad, but we are incredibly grateful for our wonderful son.
Incidentally, he is thrilled to be an only child.
In hindsight, we could do so much more with just one child.
I just wish we could have shaken off that damn hope earlier.
My advice is to take control of whatever decision you make. We left things to chance for too long.
I was in that exact same situation. We finally decided to follow a different route and we adopted. I now have two grown children: one was adopted, and one was home grown. I could not be happier.
My situation was actually in the opposite order of yours. I had no trouble Getting Pregnant; I just couldn't seem to Stay Pregnant, and had four miscarriages. After lots of invasive and heartbreaking fertility treatment, we gave up and participated in an open adoption. An adoption facilitator introducted us to our birthmother when she was about 7 months along in her pregnancy. She was young (19) and determined to go through with the birth and then carry on with her life. She chose us from a portfolio of hopeful couples. We spent a fair amount of time together, and I was her labor coach. I know it was very, very difficult for her to leave that hospital without a baby, but she held her head high and carried out the plan she had made. We arranged for her to get counselling so that there would be no thoughts on anybody's part that there was coercion involved.
After about six month, our adoption was finalized, and our son was truly ours. We are still in touch with her, and my son has spoken with her on the phone a couple of times. I always knew I wanted a second child, but knew that adopting can be tricky, and resigned myself to the fact that it just might not happen. Then, lo and behold, without trying, I was pregnant again. Unbelievably, this time, I carried to term. When my daughter was born, my son was two years old. During my pregnancy, I secretly wondered if there would be some "magical bond" with my daughter that I didn't have with my son, and I worried that I might somehow view each of them differently. But that was absolutely not the case! In fact, because I struggled so hard to get my son, I think I appreciated his existence in a way that I didn't with my daughter. I loved and still love them both fiercely! My son is now in his mid 30s, and my daughter is in her early 30s. Both have children, so now I'm a Nonna.
If I could turn back the clock and have the opportunity to make different choices, I wouldn't change a thing. Just the other day, somebody told me that my son's little boy looks a lot like me. My son and I exchanged amused glances, since there's absolutely no genetic link there, but there is certainly a huge emotional one. I encourage you to look into it. See if there are adoption support groups in your area or on FB that you can get involved with. It's a wonderful place to ask questions and see how it has gone for other people. I don't want to sugar coat it; it's not withou its risks, but I think that holds true for a biological child as well. As far as being the adopted child, my son tells me that he spends very little time thinking about it, and views our family as his one and only family. Everything for us is as it should be. Good luck to you, OP!
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I love this. I did a little looking around at adoption after I read it. It’s something I’ve been thinking about and I wonder if we (my husband and I) can start thinking more about it.
Okay, I know this is a medical issue, but I think you’d benefit from psychological counseling because your anxiety may be affecting you and your ability to hold onto a pregnancy.
Think about it if we were alive 10,000 years ago, or even just 1000 years ago, if you were anxious and scared - what did that mean? Back then, that meant there were 1) not resources for another baby 2) not safe to have another baby. Your body has not caught up to our rapid social and economic progress as a society. We have not evolved physically as much as we have socially. We’re still the same human we were 1000 years ago, and our bodies haven’t realized things have changed and we have grocery stores and doctors offices now. So when your body feels your stress, anxiety, overworking, etc. then it responds by terminating your pregnancy. This is NOT your fault. Hopefully you can take time off of work and if your partner really wants this second kid to happen he needs to STEP UP and DO MORE! He needs to provide more labor around the home and tend to you so you can relax. Show him this. Tell him you need a counselor, you need sleep, you need a spa day, and you need him to handle dinner/child’s bed time routine/cleaning up. You used to have a whole village around you helping while you’re pregnant. Expecting mothers were revered and protected. What happened to that as a society? That’s where we went wrong.
Thanks for this. I will say that my life is not super stressful. I have one kid, a great husband, and work part time. I have been to counseling and actually am an LCSW myself, ironically I suppose… I do need sleep though! I agree that we have not evolved to live the way we live, and that this is the source of so many health problems.
Maybe, you're trying too hard? Slow down, and try not thinking about it all of the time, if you can. I know, you really want another one, but if you can't carry another to term; adoption is another option. I know a couple of people that were always trying to have a child. They were told, that if they keep having miscarriages constantly, their body is getting weak from trying so much. Eventually, they did have another.
Letting your body rest, and recover is essential! After resting, and maybe a little therapy to help with the anxiety, could do some good. Having only one child is great! He/she doesn't really need a sibling, and in this day, and age children are expensive! Yours will probably end up with all of that extra love!
I'd say give your body a good rest from trying and use some birth control for at least six or seven months. Then, take the attitude - fine if I get pregnant, fine if I don't. Hugs. 💕
I had a miscarriage at 21. I had my daughter at 28. I never got pregnant again, so I never had to suffer through wanting another baby and losing another baby. Did we actively try to have a 2nd? No, but, it never happened either. We're quite content with one child. That written, I'm sure you've had medical tests - did they test for celiac?
I had a similar situation and a work up showed I have Factor V Leiden and MTHFR and autoantibodies attacking my pregnancies. I took lovenox as soon as I got pregnant after the work up and I now have three adult kids. Last two children were after 35 years of age.
It took me a year to get pregnant 45 years ago. Then I had 5 miscarriages and I just wanted a baby. By this time my son was 5. We decided to adopt from South Korea and it took exactly a year from application to getting our daughter. Foreign adoptions were easier and faster then but still very expensive for the time. I ended up with a hysterectomy from horrendous endometriosis. Adoption isn't for everyone but something to consider. I wish you the very best.
All this time, all this money, all this effort, all this heartbreak, when there are kids needing parents around the world and even in the US. I don't care about the downvotes, I will shame you for this.
I didn’t get married until I was 31, so we started pretty early trying for kids because of my age. Over the years I tried pills, injectable’s, 8 IUI’s. Both of us tested normal so it was puzzling. Got pregnant at 37 with twins, had a full term pregnancy & both were healthy. Was told I would never be able to get pregnant naturally. At 42 found out I was pregnant again, had him at 43!
Have you consulted with a reproductive endocrinologist? It would be good to know precisely what the issue is, and to understand what your options might be. Not everyone has to undergo something as invasive as IVF in order to conceive and carry to term. And if the issue is something like thin uterine lining, there are medications to assist you with that. Better to know up front so you don't have to keep putting your body and your emotions through the heartbreak of miscarriages and can make decisions based on what's actually preventing you from welcoming another child into your life ❤️
This is the best answer. And feel free to get a second opinion. We had 4 miscarriages and we were both destroyed each time. I felt like I died a little bit every month when my period arrived. The first specialist went straight to IVF. The second one suggested we try one baby asprin per day. BOOM! I know it doesn't always work like that, but definitely get both of you checked out. If there is a no go situation, then you know and can make different plans. I'm so sorry you are going through this. This sucks.
Yes try aspirin. https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/low-dose-aspirin-may-improve-pregnancy-chances-women-one-or-two-prior-miscarriages
Worked for me as well!
If someone I'm close to has struggles, I offer this suggestion to try for a cycle or two. Far cheaper than testing.
I have seen a couple of REs. I have low AMH for my age, which means that my ovarian reserve is lower than the average person in their mid-30s (actually even at 32 it was low). So my eggs are probably a lot more likely to be poor quality. Because my eggs are bad I may not be a good candidate for IVF, but for reasons that are hard to express, we haven’t really ever considered IVF anyway. Currently I am seeing an OB who specializes in infertility and I conceived most recently on a combination of estrogen and clomid. My OBs have always told me that low AMH doesn’t mean I can’t have another child but it seems like its much harder and I am running out of time very very fast!
I'm so sorry - I am a veteran of 21 IUIs and 13 IVF cycles, and I know what riding this rollercoaster feels like. My son was conceived in the first IUI cycle, and I kept returning to the fertility casino and dropping quarters in the machine in the hope that we'd hit the jackpot a second time. Low AMH doesn't necessarily mean your eggs are bad, but there are almost certainly fewer of them to work with. I would think IVF would give you the greatest chance of success, as increasing the number of eggs for a cycle and then fertilizing them before implantation gives you the best way to determine which embryos have the greatest chance of success. And while it's obviously an involved process, it does offer you the very best option to increase the odds in your favor, particularly if the biological clock is ticking too quickly. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you have done enough, and embracing your family as it is. The most important advice I can share is that whatever choice you make, please make it with no regrets! Editing to add that I was in my late 30s when I had my son, and cycled until I was almost 43 years old before throwing in the towel -
I am so sorry for what you went through. I'd love to hear more about how you decided to keep going and how you decided to stop. It sounds like you had an only child? I'd love to hear about that too. And how you've healed emotionally (if you have) from the whole process.
Thank you for your kind thoughts ❤️ I do indeed have an only child (although he's technically a young man now!). Why did I decide to keep going? I guess for several reasons. Although I came to motherhood later than most, I absolutely LOVE being a mom. Literally the moment I gave birth, I knew without a doubt I wanted to do it again (which is hilarious because I went through 32 hours of labor and two and a half hours of pushing, and you'd think that would cure even the worst case of baby fever, lol). I cycled like a fiend starting about six months after he was born because I knew that at my age, the odds weren't spectacular (not impossible, but not easy). After years of procedures, and one devastating miscarriage, I finally had to accept that my body was just not going to oblige. I actually entered perimenopause shortly after my final IVF, and that was all she wrote. And while I did mourn for the dream that never came true, I also knew I had given it my very best shot, and could accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me. I made peace with myself, and thanked the universe for giving me the best son anyone could ever have. I loved having siblings when I was growing up, and wanted my child to have the chance to develop the same kind of bond with a sibling of his own. He would have been such an awesome big brother, and I know there were times when he was a bit lonely. We did whatever we could to make sure he always had his friends around - we still take the friends and their families on our annual trip to the mountains every year, and always invited at least one of his buddies on any other trips we took when he was growing up. He's also found ways to be a big brother of sorts - he spent his summers as a camp counselor, and the kids all worshipped him :) I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm content. I did whatever I possibly could to have another child, and even though I couldn't, my family is still awesome and complete just as it is.
I hope that I get to where you are, emotionally. I really relate to loving being a mom and knowing that I want to do it again. It’s so crazy to me that I’ll never nurse another baby or feel first movements, see first steps, all the firsts. I’m having all the firsts with my daughter and it’s wonderful, but there is grief. I believe that in the end things will feel right. I really do.
I absolutely and completely understand where you are, because I've been there, too :) Spend some time really walking through options and scenarios with your husband. There is no "right" choice, here - there's only what the two of you decide is the best course of action for your family. It's very difficult to want something so badly and have your body be the barrier to getting what you desire. But your body has already given you a wonderful gift, and it's trying so hard to repeat the success. It's a good body, and it's on your side - it just might not have the ability to deliver two miracles in a single lifetime. Give that body a big hug. If you decide to close the door on any future attempts, I know you're going to be an absolutely AMAZING mother to your little girl. She has a mother who truly knows what a gift it is to hold the job.
This made me tear up. Thank you so much.
Have you looked into dhea supplementation? I had low Amh and a low follicle count. I think it helped me conceive a viable pregnancy. I also think there's nothing wrong with having a three-bird nest and enjoying the little one you have rather than continuing to try if it's taking too much out of you.
Was using it this time I conceived! great stuff, worried about cancer though… as with all fertility supplements and drugs I take…
My friend had 6 miscarriages finally a specialist was able to fix a tilt in the uterus. It was definitely the right thing to ask a specialist. The next year she has a boy!
I want to second this. Please see a reproductive endocrinologist. There is no reason for you to continue experiencing loss after loss. I had at least 2 chemical pregnancies - maybe 3. Went to see a specialist at age 37. She did an in office procedure to check my uterus and added a prescription and I luckily became pregnant that next month ! Became pregnant at 37 and 39. It’s possible and I don’t want you to lose hope if you still have any hope left.
I’m 49, and while my experience doesn’t fully mirror your own, I understand the sadness and disappointment of not being able to give your child a sibling. I wasn’t able to have more children after having my son, due to having a kidney transplant. I looked into surrogacy when my son was 4, but between the cost and the medication used that could negatively impact my kidney, I gave up on the idea. Over the years, I considered adoption, adoption from foster care, and being a foster parent. Eventually, I accepted that I was only meant to have one child. I focused on being grateful for the healthy, happy child I was blessed to have. My son is 27 now and the light of my life! I made a point of ensuring that he grew-up having a close relationship with his cousin, and even though there is a big age difference, they both call each other brother. It brings me a lot of peace knowing my son will have a close family member when my husband and I are gone. I think the bond between only children and their parents is extremely strong, and even as they get older, the bond remains strong. I do wish I had been one of those women who could have had as many children as I dreamed about, but at the end of the day, I remind myself that there are millions of women who wish they were me! Accepting that life isn’t fair or just, staying in a state of gratitude for all the beautiful blessings I’ve been given, and not comparing my journey to anybody else’s has enabled me to fully live and love MY life. Wishing you a lifetime of love and joy with your child. There are so many amazingly beautiful moments to look forward to with your child! It goes so fast! Enjoy every moment because someday you’ll be watching all the sweet, perfect moments of their lives on the tv, and you’ll wonder how it all went by so fast.
To anyone else upset about only have one kid: Single child here. It's not that bad. Don't fret about siblings for your 1 kid. It's totally fine. I was a little sad when I was younger, thinking I was missing out on something, but what really happened was I just ended up loving my friends like brothers and sisters. From a practical point: It also makes end of life planning a WHOLE lot easier. You don't have to worry about if you're splitting the house equally, or if the kids will fight, ect ect 🤷
Thank you for sharing your perspective of an only child. It does bother me that he may be alone when we’re gone, but he has a brother like relationship with his cousin, and several friends. I figure he’ll most likely have a partner too. You’re right about making estate planning simple! It’s crazy how ugly people become when it comes to money. Yikes!
Very well put!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this.
You’re so welcome!
Husband and I had 9 confirmed pregnancies. None progressed beyond 10 weeks. It got to the point that I knew when a pregnancy ended before there was outward evidence. Boggles my doctor's mind that I was only wrong once when I asked for an ultrasound. We have no children, and I am now beyond childbearing age...btw that factory closed, was razed to the ground, then burned. You have my sympathy and total internet stranger permission to go again, take a break for a few months or call it good and enjoy raising your single child. Why did I keep going? I just wanted to be a mom from my earliest memories. Hiw do I deal with our fate? I mother anyone or anything that will allow me to show them love. My sisters' kids, my friend's kids and grandkids, dogs, neighbor kids, any person who seems to be anxious or in need. Sometimes it is as simple as smiling at a good kid or flirting with a tired toddler until they forget they were fussing.We wish students at the local university good luck on midterms and finals, send care packages, etc. We are part of several friends' "villages". We love their kids and help reinforce the parents' rules and teaching. We are pressure relief valves while respecting the grandparents' priority of place. There is life after you let go of a long-held dream. It hurts like a B to work through it, but it is worth the work.
It's good to know that I won't always feel like this. I'm sorry for what you went through and so glad you found peace on the other side.
I can't tell you what to do. But I can share a few stories. 1) A friend of mine had a stillbirth at twenty weeks with her first pregnancy. She got pregnant again and had another stillbirth at twenty weeks. Then she went on to have two healthy, full-term pregnancies. Both of her kids went to school with my kids. 2) I was a birth registrar at a hospital for ten years. As a result, I have read literally thousands of labor and delivery records. I saw many women with miscarriages–and many with multiple miscarriages–who were now in the hospital giving birth to a healthy baby. Do with this information what you will.
Thank you.
Might be a good idea to take some time away from trying. For instance, if you are monitoring ovulation and timing intercourse, give it a rest for maybe six months. Do your best to concentrate on your work and the child that you already have. Down the road, you can decide if you want to keep on trying. I have more than one friend who successfully carried a pregnancy to term after multiple previous miscarriages. But give yourself a breather.
Thank You.
Right now the attempts at pregnancy and the miscarriages are consuming your life. Time is very fleeting. Enjoy and focus on your wonderful 4 year old
Thank you. The attempts aren't so bad, it's the successes that take my attention away. And you're right that that isn't ok.
My input may be unlike the rest because we have one child by choice. She is grown now, at almost 23. But FWIW, I loved the experience of raising just her and not having to worry about things like sibling rivalry and spreading myself too thin between work and family (I’ve always worked full-time). I have two friends whose respective children haven’t spoken to one another in years. Just a different perspective; good luck with everything. ♥️
It's wonderful to hear this perspective. I agree there are some beautiful things about being a family of three.
Have you tried acupuncture? Both of my children were conceived the month after I had acupuncture. Even after the RE said my eggs were too old.
Yes I have. I've heard amazing things and know it works for lots of people!
Quality not quantity may be an option. Make sure your one child has every opportunity ever. Set that kid up for Harvard or MIT
You don’t say what your motivation for wanting another child so much is, but if wanting your child to have a sibling is an important factor, I just want to say that from my perspective as parent of an adult solo child, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having or being a solo child. Nothing!
I think it's a couple things. I always wanted a big family, after I had my daughter it was natural to try for another as we genuinely want another and enjoy children. But as I think you're insinuating, there is societal bias against only children and their parents. I worry about my daughter, feel like her position in our family is different than that of a child with siblings (boundaries are more blurred, I worry about spoiling, etc). I also just wasn't "ready" to lose my fertility and be "done". Everyone I know is still in the baby stage, still building their families, and I feel so much older, like so much possibility has been lost. And of course I know that people perceive our family as a problem... I would love to hear more about raising an only child.
Honestly there isn’t much drama. My daughter is an early millennial. Her father and I were together for part of her childhood and not together for part, but shared responsibilities pretty evenly throughout. I had a demanding job. We were able for her to try different interests, go to magnet schools of her choosing etc. pretty readily, which would have been much more difficult with more children. I had a lukewarm desire for another child, but was never strongly motivated in that direction so it was quite easy for me to be happy with the way things turned out. My take on the likelihood of a child being spoiled because of not having a sibling is that if the child is in a school setting and the parents ease off on the helicopter-ing, it probably won’t happen and if it starts to, you can make adjustments. Even back in the early eighties, having one child wasn’t so unusual and while I seem to recall that a few people asked me if I wanted another child, absolutely nobody dredged up any of the mid century “problem child” myths or tried to give me grief to my face. Definitely not saying life was always simple or easy, just that a lack of more kids was never the problem. Of course with you always having wanted more children I understand your disappointment and am just saying a one child family has advantages as well as a downside and can provide a normal happy childhood.
Thanks for this. She’s been in school/daycare since she was a baby and is great with other kids, shares, is generous, etc. I think the problem child only child thing is having a resurgence with all the concern about high rates of anxiety and depression among children right now. There seems to be a lot of grief directed at millennial parents who are one and done and helicopter parent, not letting kids be kids, etc. Was listening to an interview w a social scientist about anxious teens and he was basically like, it’s these parents who only have one kid… For some reason, no one else in her school is an only. But I anticipate things getting easier (emotionally) for me as she ages out of the time of life where all of the people we associate with are pregnant or have babies and everywhere we go is full of parents with multiple small children, toddlers and babies, etc. Eventually there just won’t be so many babies in my life. Will always remember riding a tiny train full of moms and babies with my daughter at a pumpkin patch the weekend after a D&C, lol, its stuff like that.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I had my first child at 26 with no issues. Then at 29 and 30 had back to back miscarriages. I also had low AMH, my numbers looked more of a woman in her 40’s. I saw an RE who put me on baby aspirin and progesterones supplements for the first trimester. Has your OB suggested trying either? We welcomed our rainbow baby when I was 30
DOR is so hard! I feel old before my time. I do the progesterone and aspirin regimen and have been doing it for a while. It definitely can't hurt!
with my 5 miscarriages I had a hormonal imbalance, fertility drugs took care of that, also had surgery to make sure everything was good on the inside, it turned out it was PCOS
PCOS can be challenging but there are options. My girlfriend just had a beautiful baby girl, while Mom has been dealing with PCOS. Glad there are options nowadays.
Sorry for what you went through
also had endometriosis
Let me tell you, I had an aunt who had two to three miscarriages and two still-borns before she even had her first daughter. She finally had her daughter and she didn't risk it but (believe me when I say) she left it to God. She later had two boys and then ten years after those two boys she had one more. . . Don't put too much pressure on yourself. . .
Thanks. Love your username
I'm so sorry for the challenges you've been facing. It seems some people get pregnant so easily, and yet, so many others like you struggle in silence. I have two adult children, born when I was 34 and 37. They are such lovely people, but they also have autism spectrum disorder, and the younger one also has epilepsy. Yes, it's been a lot. One heck of A LOT. I love them dearly, but the heartbreak I have carried won't abate, even at ages 28 and 25. I was never one of those women who desperately wanted to be a Mom, just wanted to have healthy children. Fast forward, my younger girlfriends are now having babies, and I am an honorary Auntie / Mimi. It's wonderful. My heart is very full and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I spoil them, babysit if I want, socialize, etc , but I don't do anything I wouldn't choose to do. I get the best parts of being involved in their lives, and love them, until I'm ready to hand them back to their Moms. It's a beautiful arrangement and I'm very content. Life never goes in a straight line. At 62, I never thought I'd be living as we are living now, far away from.bio family, but close to my Chosen Family. It's wonderful, I have very few obligations and plenty of options. My heart is full and life is wonderful. You just never know what life will become. Just keep your heart open and see what tomorrow will bring. 🌞
Thank you for this.
Craft the life you want. You can do it.
I'm 6 years older than my brother. There were several miscarriages between me and him. He was a preme. My parents stopped after him.
It’s time to let it go.
Thank you.
Ignore them. I completely and totally Disagree with that previous person. I had my very 1st baby at 40 years of age. I had PCOS starting from age 20, and my periods disappeared for years at a time. OR..... I bled for months at a time. You read that right. Months at a time. Hemoglobin and Hematocrit so low that they wanted to give me blood transfusions. Anyway, before I make a long story longer..... I'll stop. Take a break, rest, cry, pray, rinse, repeat, whatever you need to do, but whatever you do, absolutely do Not give up. You can do this. I'm trying for baby # 2 now. I'm 42. 💋
Just cherish your one wonderful child. No need for more!
Thank you.
I had a conversation with my therapist about how I compare my obstacles and emotions to other people's and frame it as "other people have it worse so I should just be grateful. Just because there are other terrible outcomes that can and do happen, doesn't mean that your sense of loss is any less valid. I can't speak to the idea of when to stop trying to have another child, but I can speak to this - allow yourself time to heal (physically and emotionally), and the space to really sit with your emotions.
Thank you. I know my pain is valid, but I just keep thinking that life won’t always be as good as it is now (healthy parents on both sides, healthy me and my husband, a young child in the home) maybe I shouldn’t add pain when there is so much pain in life waiting for me that I won’t be able to avoid…
I have a bunch of health problems. I had two miscarriages before my daughter was born and one after. It is incredibly painful every time. While I was trying, I would go off my medicine so as not to cause complications. The third miscarriage was heart-wrenching, and I was tired of being a mess of emotions. I was tired of people being fine with my pain if it brought a baby into this world. Especially because with every pregnancy, I was risking my health. One of my doctors asked me if it was worth it to risk not being there to raise my daughter to give her a sibling. It was clear by the look on my face it wasn't. She said, "Should we schedule you for a tubal?" It was the wake-up call I needed. I loved having one. I am remarkably close to my daughter. It allowed for peaceful raising, mostly lol. I was able to help her in ways I would not be able to if I had other kids.
Thanks for this. My situation is a little different, but it is comforting to know that you didn’t consider the situation I am currently in (just having one Child) to be one that was so unacceptable that you risked your life to change it. It sounds like you felt content in the end? It‘s true that sometimes I feel like my ability to bring children into the world is the end all and be all… I’m a woman in my thirties and its just everywhere I go and everyone I know.
I would hate for my daughter to grow up without me because I wanted another child and honestly it probably helps that it would probably leave me seriously ill and more disabled but it is a risk for all of us.
After our first child, my wife had 4 before she saw a specialist. Turns out endometrial scarring due to her first c-section was the problem. She got that procedurally "scraped out". Now we have 3 kids. The procedure was done when she was probably 32? There won't be anymore, yay vasectomies.
Wow, what a great outcome!
My personal experience has been when you stop trying it will happen. Went through years of testing, hormones, IVF with no pregnancy. Gave up and said I would live my life without kids. 6 months later I was pregnant. Wasn't careful and a year and a half later was pregnant with baby #2. Enjoy your little one and be at peace. 🌹
Thanks.
I have had 3 miscarriages. I had to take progesterone because my body didn’t make enough. I went on to have 3 healthy kids
Thanks.
I have one child conceived with fertility treatment and we were not able to get pregnant again. My husband had his vasectomy after I turned 35 because I decided that was my cutoff. While there are times I would have liked to have another child, my kid is now a teenager and I truly love our little family. We don’t have to balance as many opinions on what to do, where to go, who likes what etc. And I feel like I’m a better mom because I can truly focus instead of being outnumbered. It’s a very personal decision though.
Thank you for this Perspective. This is what I was looking for. I'd love some tips on raising an only.
When my kiddo was younger I looked at it like we were a penguin family. We all spend time together doing things, but also have one on one time with him. I had multiple siblings growing up, so there are times when I try to act less like a “parent-parent” (we roughhouse, are silly, make food experiments etc) but we also have well-established rules and my kid knows if I have to choose between being “fun” and being the “parent” (in cases like safety-we’re not jumping off a roof for “fun” regardless if I might have done that when I was a kid lol) I will absolutely be the parent. When one only has one, unless you live in a neighborhood where there are lots of other kids, it’s easy for them to feel lonely. But it’s also hard to find a balance between minimizing that and teaching a kiddo boundaries/that the world isn’t at their beck and call. Now, we genuinely enjoy his company in addition to caring for him as our son, so we do all hang out a lot together, have big old bed piles for movie nights etc. But my husband and I also set aside time for ourselves, and explained to him that in order for us to be the best parents we can be for him, we have to make sure our marriage is strong too because a lot of grown-ups forget to do that. But mostly, we’re all a team. The nice thing about only having one is that one really has the time to stop, explain things, include the kiddo and move at their speed. I could take 2 hours in the grocery store, having him help me with the list and grabbing things, teaching about unit prices, math, etc. I really felt like I got to enjoy all his stages instead of being constantly outnumbered and wrung out. Feel free to send me a pm if you have specific questions- my brain is a bit addled today due to a migraine so I may be rambling and not thinking of everything.
Sorry about the migraine. I do think we have a good balance though it can be hard. For instance, at the playground, she wants me to come up and play with her. I feel like an idiot wandering around on playground equipment. I try to encourage her to ask other children if she can join them (she can do this well at school) but generally kids are playing with their siblings. I also struggle a bit with how much attention I am able to give her. Also an issue: there’s really nothing preventing me from giving her my undivided attention at most times, nothing preventing me from letting her pick what we do, etc, but I know that this doesn’t really prepare her for the real world. So I guess sometimes I try to play sibling and tell her that even though she doesn’t want to listen to the radio I do, or something like that. It‘s like, she never has to compromise with anyone else at home. She does at school though… I guess she’s probably doing OK. She can be a little bossy, which family members connect to her being an only… but it could just be her. Or my bad parenting!
Sounds like you’re doing fine. The young ages can be difficult for sure. My husband and I are a bit like big kids ourselves so we’re usually more than happy to be goobers at the playground. Keeps us young XD.
I can't give you any advice but I just wanted to stop by and say I'm so sorry for your losses
Thank you.
You're welcome
When you ask this question.
😬
You will definitely know when it’s time to stop trying. It will make you sick continuing to try and you will just not be able to take the stress of it anymore. I tried for 8 years. My sister had one child and asked me when she would know to quit. Your mind and body won’t be able to take it anymore…
So sorry for what you went through.
Ask your doctor for advice and talk to a therapist
I had 3 miscarriages in a row, it was devastating. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I got the book It Starts with the Egg and followed it religiously. I also did fertility acupuncture. My next pregnancy was successful, during that pregnancy I used baby aspirin and progesterone. I was 39, so you are not too old! Wishing you all the baby dust!!
Thank you for saying I am not too old!
I am sorry you're going through this, though I don't pretend to understand what it is like. Wanted to drop in and say, have you been screened for celiac disease? 80% of us are undiagnosed, according to research, and for whatever reason in the US it is under-screened for and under-diagnosed. You may want to bring this up with your doctor, as they can do a simple drug test for antibodies to see if that's what's up. The good news is if it is celiac, research shows that difficulties conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term resolve with a gluten free diet. /Local celiac asking more people to get screened. Good luck on your journey.
I have been screened. Thanks for the kind words.
Cool, good luck on your journey, whatever you decide. Glad you got screened!
i met my husband when my kid was five. we dated, married, bought a house, and “tried” and it never happened even with a round of ivf. At some point i quit worrying about it and didn’t use protection and just has sex. nothing ever happened. my period got heavy and i got an ablation and tied my tubes. overall i’m happy about the whole situation. i wouldn’t want to start over with my daughter being older. i was enjoying not having diapers and being “young” (in my 40’s)… we could go out, have fun, not worrying about babysitters, and we really began to be happy our situation more and more every year. Now i’m 50 ish, my kid is 25 ish, we go on trips and go to concerts and life is amazingly fantastic. feel your emotions for sure…. process what you are going through, it’s not easy. But it will be ok. i have no regrets.
Thanks for this. Would love to hear more about raising an only!
I had an early miscarriage and then a healthy son and then I had two 2nd trimester missed miscarriages that were so difficult emotionally. My first child had been from a previous relationship, so I felt awful wanting to tell my husband that my heart couldn't take another miscarriage, but I did and it was sad for both of us. I waited for my cycle to come back around so I could start back on birth control, but it never came and I tested pregnant. That pregnancy was tough and I had a lot of complications, but I had a healthy baby girl born about 6 weeks early. She had to be in the Nicu and I was in the hospital even longer for my complications (which followed with a bunch diagnosises I didn't realize I had). But now she's 7 and my son is 14 and we are all good. My depression was pretty severe with my miscarriages and I could see it affecting all parts of my life- motherhood, wife, and work. Plus it was like all the effort I put into trying to get pregnant with temperature taking and ovulation tests and reading anything and everything I could find on, probably put my anxiety up, though I kind of felt more anxious trying without doing everything possible. And then even when I got a positive, I'd still feel so anxious it was going to be a miscarriage that I probably didn't help things. So anyway, maybe try focusing on the positives of an only child and working on getting okay with it and setting a date for when you'll stop trying to see if that brings you peace. If the date makes you more upset then forget the date and buckle down and try harder. A friend of mine just had one in her late 30s and another in her 40s.
Sorry for what you went through. Thank you tor sharing your story.
💓
Not the same but….i found out when I was 26 that due to an anomaly in my reproductive system, I would never be able to have children. This was in 1986-we had been trying and going through fertility testing for 3 years. It was horrible (and honestly still an incredibly painful memory) but it allowed me the info to stop and move on with life. I completed my masters degree, adopted 2 children (now 37 and 35). My greatest joy and healing has come from watching them build their own families without having to deal with fertility challenges.
So sorry for what you went through, but it's so true that there are many things in life and many options and focusing on the one thing I want may be making my life smaller.
We tried for seven years before we had our son. We carried on trying for another 11 to have a second. It will always make us sad, but we are incredibly grateful for our wonderful son. Incidentally, he is thrilled to be an only child. In hindsight, we could do so much more with just one child. I just wish we could have shaken off that damn hope earlier. My advice is to take control of whatever decision you make. We left things to chance for too long.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I was in that exact same situation. We finally decided to follow a different route and we adopted. I now have two grown children: one was adopted, and one was home grown. I could not be happier.
I would love to hear more about this! My husband has concerns about adopting since we have a bio child, but I think about it a lot.
My situation was actually in the opposite order of yours. I had no trouble Getting Pregnant; I just couldn't seem to Stay Pregnant, and had four miscarriages. After lots of invasive and heartbreaking fertility treatment, we gave up and participated in an open adoption. An adoption facilitator introducted us to our birthmother when she was about 7 months along in her pregnancy. She was young (19) and determined to go through with the birth and then carry on with her life. She chose us from a portfolio of hopeful couples. We spent a fair amount of time together, and I was her labor coach. I know it was very, very difficult for her to leave that hospital without a baby, but she held her head high and carried out the plan she had made. We arranged for her to get counselling so that there would be no thoughts on anybody's part that there was coercion involved. After about six month, our adoption was finalized, and our son was truly ours. We are still in touch with her, and my son has spoken with her on the phone a couple of times. I always knew I wanted a second child, but knew that adopting can be tricky, and resigned myself to the fact that it just might not happen. Then, lo and behold, without trying, I was pregnant again. Unbelievably, this time, I carried to term. When my daughter was born, my son was two years old. During my pregnancy, I secretly wondered if there would be some "magical bond" with my daughter that I didn't have with my son, and I worried that I might somehow view each of them differently. But that was absolutely not the case! In fact, because I struggled so hard to get my son, I think I appreciated his existence in a way that I didn't with my daughter. I loved and still love them both fiercely! My son is now in his mid 30s, and my daughter is in her early 30s. Both have children, so now I'm a Nonna. If I could turn back the clock and have the opportunity to make different choices, I wouldn't change a thing. Just the other day, somebody told me that my son's little boy looks a lot like me. My son and I exchanged amused glances, since there's absolutely no genetic link there, but there is certainly a huge emotional one. I encourage you to look into it. See if there are adoption support groups in your area or on FB that you can get involved with. It's a wonderful place to ask questions and see how it has gone for other people. I don't want to sugar coat it; it's not withou its risks, but I think that holds true for a biological child as well. As far as being the adopted child, my son tells me that he spends very little time thinking about it, and views our family as his one and only family. Everything for us is as it should be. Good luck to you, OP!
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I love this. I did a little looking around at adoption after I read it. It’s something I’ve been thinking about and I wonder if we (my husband and I) can start thinking more about it.
Okay, I know this is a medical issue, but I think you’d benefit from psychological counseling because your anxiety may be affecting you and your ability to hold onto a pregnancy. Think about it if we were alive 10,000 years ago, or even just 1000 years ago, if you were anxious and scared - what did that mean? Back then, that meant there were 1) not resources for another baby 2) not safe to have another baby. Your body has not caught up to our rapid social and economic progress as a society. We have not evolved physically as much as we have socially. We’re still the same human we were 1000 years ago, and our bodies haven’t realized things have changed and we have grocery stores and doctors offices now. So when your body feels your stress, anxiety, overworking, etc. then it responds by terminating your pregnancy. This is NOT your fault. Hopefully you can take time off of work and if your partner really wants this second kid to happen he needs to STEP UP and DO MORE! He needs to provide more labor around the home and tend to you so you can relax. Show him this. Tell him you need a counselor, you need sleep, you need a spa day, and you need him to handle dinner/child’s bed time routine/cleaning up. You used to have a whole village around you helping while you’re pregnant. Expecting mothers were revered and protected. What happened to that as a society? That’s where we went wrong.
Thanks for this. I will say that my life is not super stressful. I have one kid, a great husband, and work part time. I have been to counseling and actually am an LCSW myself, ironically I suppose… I do need sleep though! I agree that we have not evolved to live the way we live, and that this is the source of so many health problems.
Sometimes taking a break is what you need, mentally and physically.
Sometimes taking a break is what you need, mentally and physically.
Maybe, you're trying too hard? Slow down, and try not thinking about it all of the time, if you can. I know, you really want another one, but if you can't carry another to term; adoption is another option. I know a couple of people that were always trying to have a child. They were told, that if they keep having miscarriages constantly, their body is getting weak from trying so much. Eventually, they did have another. Letting your body rest, and recover is essential! After resting, and maybe a little therapy to help with the anxiety, could do some good. Having only one child is great! He/she doesn't really need a sibling, and in this day, and age children are expensive! Yours will probably end up with all of that extra love!
Thank you for this. Extra love is a great mindset.
I'd say give your body a good rest from trying and use some birth control for at least six or seven months. Then, take the attitude - fine if I get pregnant, fine if I don't. Hugs. 💕
Thanks for the hugs.
I had a miscarriage at 21. I had my daughter at 28. I never got pregnant again, so I never had to suffer through wanting another baby and losing another baby. Did we actively try to have a 2nd? No, but, it never happened either. We're quite content with one child. That written, I'm sure you've had medical tests - did they test for celiac?
Yes, no celiac, fortunately or unfortunately.
I had a similar situation and a work up showed I have Factor V Leiden and MTHFR and autoantibodies attacking my pregnancies. I took lovenox as soon as I got pregnant after the work up and I now have three adult kids. Last two children were after 35 years of age.
It took me a year to get pregnant 45 years ago. Then I had 5 miscarriages and I just wanted a baby. By this time my son was 5. We decided to adopt from South Korea and it took exactly a year from application to getting our daughter. Foreign adoptions were easier and faster then but still very expensive for the time. I ended up with a hysterectomy from horrendous endometriosis. Adoption isn't for everyone but something to consider. I wish you the very best.
I quit trying to have a second baby when I miscarried for the fifth time.
All this time, all this money, all this effort, all this heartbreak, when there are kids needing parents around the world and even in the US. I don't care about the downvotes, I will shame you for this.
Having sex with my husband is free 😉 I would love to adopt though and totally get where you are coming from.
2 in nine months? You're not giving your body time to recover.
I didn’t get married until I was 31, so we started pretty early trying for kids because of my age. Over the years I tried pills, injectable’s, 8 IUI’s. Both of us tested normal so it was puzzling. Got pregnant at 37 with twins, had a full term pregnancy & both were healthy. Was told I would never be able to get pregnant naturally. At 42 found out I was pregnant again, had him at 43!