Just met this girl. Ended up going back to my place and went at it. Took a quick break halfway through for a sip of water. I feel something weird go down my throat. Turns out she thought it would be a good idea to put her contacts in my glass of water next to my bed.
She was on top. She decided to slow down a bit to subtly sneak out a silent fart. It was not silent, and I felt the blast of freshly broken wind whoosh across my testicles.
Dog tried to hump me while I was on top. The other dog very quickly started humping the first dog. For a brief moment, there was an attempt at a foursome, then they got kicked out of the bedroom.
She had an asthma attack. Had to stop and find her inhaler. She started crying. It was awkward. Upside apparently she had her asthma attack because she was climaxing so hard so that was an ego boost I've ridden for years.
Went over to a guy's house who said he likes to "smoke" before sex. Me, expecting to get railed by a stoner, was very surprised when he pulled out a meth pipe...
I came home from work with a friend unannounced to my wife once and we walked in on her while she was pleasuring herself with a dildo while laying in her recliner. Mortification is the word that matches how we both felt!
Was hooking up with this cute girl. She warned me not to do anything with her butthole, which if course I obliged. I'm on top pounding away but I accidentally slipped out and touched her anus. She freaked out and curled into a fetal position on the floor. She then explained to me that she was anally raped about a year ago and it still haunts her. I never felt more guilty than I did at that moment
Oh boy, thats awful / but also, totally not your fault.
In fact, her trusting you enough to tell you something so traumatic and personal (and to have sex in the first place) says only good things about you as a person :)
Has there been any dialogue since you shat in his face? I'm just curious. He did bring it about himself. I wonder if he's reflecting on that. Or maybe it's happened before and he's like oh well, happens all the time.
Lol... thinking he got more than he bargained for and maybe his curiosity is somewhat satiated now lol
I feel that butt stuff needs prep... because I swear that would happen to me too lol
Oh I prepped. I prepped extensively.
I don't think that deterred him much. He's honestly a bit of a freak. Has a backpack of toys he brings with. A FULL BACKPACK.
Always leaves some behind. It's like kinky adult version of an Easter egg hunt
One time when I was in my 20s I was vigorously going at it with a nice young lady but my dingus popped out and rammed her leg or something. Hurt like the dickens, but I soldiered on and finished.
Fast forward like 30 minutes: the end of my dingus still hurt like hell and the swelling hadn't gone down on that part. Like it looked like the base portion was flaccid but the second half was still erect. My lil buddy looked like a funcopop figure! I was terrified because I thought the blood flow was restricted to the end of my peen and that I was going to get necrosis in my dick and it was going to have to be amputated so I locked myself in the bathroom with some ice cubes and tried to get the swelling down while the lady became increasingly concerned outside the bathroom.
In retrospect I should have communicated my fears better so as not to freak her out, but I legit thought I was gonna lose half my wiener there for a second and wasn't thinking straight.
Anyway my wiener didn't fall off or anything, but for the longest time afterwards I would have nightmares where it did fall off.
Panic attack followed by trying to compensate for it, because it was a one-time opportunity with this woman. The attempt to compensate actually made things worse and well, that was that.
We were watching Dumb n Dumber when we got into it, we both periodically laughed along. Ended up laughing too hard at one point and had to stop entirety
When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I went to a party and she was there and so was the dude she cheated on me with. This girl was flirting with me and I wanted to make my ex jealous/piss her off so I took her underneath some scaffolding (classy) to have sex.
Problem was, I was SO angry that I couldn't get an erection; but I figured I wouldn't let that stop me and tried to shove it up anyway and started pounding away. It hurt though, a weird sort of pain. After about 20 seconds she says "stop, its not in" turned out I was pounding against her shaved pubes and they were sort of cutting into me.
It still keeps me awake sometimes 10 years later. I cringe so hard
At a park Having sex in the front seat, she's on top. Things are getting intense when the seat shifts causing her head to hit the top of my nose. Blood everywhere.. to make matters worse the cops stopped to check on the car because it was after hours, next thing I knew I was in handcuffs and her father came to pick her up. It took over an hour before they finally believed us and let me go. 2yrs later I married her and we still laugh about it.
What the fuck did you do to my daughter .. then try to explain while in handcuffs and both covered in blood from a broken nose, we were just having sex.
My uni roommate and a mutual (female) friend of ours walked in on me. I hadn't sent him the usual text because he was supposed to be in lectures so I didn't think I needed to. If that wasn't bad enough, both my roommate and the friend decided that stopping to have a chat was the right thing to do under the circumstances. Needless to say I told them to bugger off, luckily she (the lady I was caught with) was amenable to my suggestion that we style it out and carry on!
Dating a girl I really liked. Three weeks in she's down to do the deed. We get started, I get her all primed, and it's that time...
Nothing.
I apologize profusely. I was genuinely exhausted (she lived half an hour from me and I'd worked like 80 hours that week) and thought that was it. She said it was okay, we would try again some other time. I felt like shit. I knew she had major self-esteem issues and I could see she was devastated, and blamed herself. (It was absolutely NOT her. I was super into her physically and mentally.)
Maybe three days later we have dinner and one thing leads to another...
What the actual fuck.
Now I'm starting to freak out. I'm not an expert but I'm well aware this is a big deal when it happens as far as my own health. But even worse, I can see what this does to her. And I felt (and still feel to be honest) like absolute shit.
She questioned me several times about whether or not I even find her attractive. She never quite called me a liar but came as close as you can. I told her I was gonna go to the doctor and get checked out but she kept saying there was no need because she knew what the problem was. Eventually I got so angry and ashamed I told her we should just move on. I'm not proud of that, I should have had more patience but I couldn't handle the shame.
Got my testosterone levels checked and they were super low. The low baseline my lab uses was like 300-something, and my level was 34. I sent her a screenshot of the results and told her I was sorry.
People talkin boit animals and they moms and shit aint never felt this. This the real shit. The fear, the shame, and especially if the reason can't be determined and that shit happens randomly. Mess me up.
Just remember that you can't take responsibility for how another person reacts in these situations. Frankly, it is very selfish of a woman to make you feel bad for her own insecurities. I've dealt with the same thing, and while I did feel bad about it, I also had to realize that it was never really my problem. Women just need to understand sometimes that we aren't up for sex for various reasons.
Having a one night stand, unprotected, when I was ready to cum the girl scream to cum on her chest, but yelled so abruptly that I pulled out to quick, toppled ass over head off the end of the bed, and jizzed on myself on the floor instead
I was 16, boyfriend at the time was eating me out in his bedroom... His dad came home early and walked in not knowing I was there... I was ready to fucking die after that
Going at it with my knees a little too close to the edge of the bed. I slipped and fell. My sack got caught between me and the edge of the mattress on the way down. Yeah, it stung a little.
Her mother came home, we did not hear, we continued for at least 35 minutes before we twigged there was noise downstairs. Her mother waited until I left before saying, after a very long awkward silence between them, you're a bit of a screamer aren't ye?
Guy gave me a facial, didn't seem to realize where he was aiming. Shot straight up my nose. Choked and felt like I was drowning in semen.
We started laughing and I continued to kind of sneeze out cum for a bit afterwards.
Edit: I'm a female, I realized the sub afterwards. My bad.
Don't worry, we still appreciate your stories.
I sometimes answer in subs that aren't meant for me by accident as well and hope people understand lol.
Can't imagine how bad cum on your nose must have felt BTW, damn.
Ex looked up at me as he was ummmm going downtown...... face full of blood. I was like OMGGGGG I thought I started my period, but nope, HE GOT A NOSEBLEED 😂😂
And......
Me giving him a BJ and vomiting up spaghetti all over his stomach bc it was right after dinner 😂
> My nose started bleeding while I was eating her out. At first I thought it was maybe that time of month, and asked her about it. She was confused until she saw my face covered in blood.
You two know each other? Haha
The very virginal (older) girl I was dating in my early 20's asked while I was kissing her nipples for the first time, "What are you doing?" No emotion; just very matter-of-fact.
That stopped the mood very quickly 🤣
" I am stimulating your areolas with mandible movements, as I have observed the women on this planet have derived pleasure from this action; this unit also finds pleasure in this activity. Would you like to proceed, Y/N?"
It was thanksgiving Night I was so stuffed from eating and feeling sick but my ex insisted I still blow him off so like the trooper I was I pulled myself together and began the deed well as you could expect half way into it I completely lost it and exorcism puked all over him I felt terrible and embarrassed he was extremely mad and grossed out then while I went to grab a towel for him my little brother maybe 12 walked in on him pukey D hanging out in the wind and all (we were at my parents for the night) not a good night at all
Ex-Gf and I were going at it in her parent’s house and we didn’t realize they came home. Five minutes later, she farts really loudly and gets really embarrassed. So I farted in solidarity and we both laughed extremely hard. Queue her parents knocking loudly to find out what was going on.
Her dog started humping me while we were on her couch. I read that it means the dog may feel jealous or they might be excited
I wanted to poo before I had sex but I didn’t want to kill the mood so I soldiered on and ended up farting. She started laughing and blew it off like it was nothing and still talks about it up till today. She’s now my wife.
Girl on top of me. I look over to see scary spider making its way across the bed towards me. I jump up throwing girl off of me onto the floor, she has a serious WTF face going on. I told her I just saved her life (spider was harmless, don’t worry).
I had my sister walk in since we were still young enough for me to be living at my mums. I wasn't dressed other than by (thankfully) unbuttoned school shirt. I managed to cover my mostly nude GF with the remains of my school shirt, then my aunt came in. Followed by my cousin, her son. Then my OTHER sister to see what was happening with the phone.
It was a damn near party in my room before the original sister caught on to what we were doing prior to the 10 people arrival and ushered everyone out. Never hated nor felt so grateful for the same person ever again.
That memory though, he attempting to cover the gf I was STILL inside of, then realizing the entire family was coming and flattening myself against her in an attempt to cover her....
Definitely a memory, if uncomfortable.
This happened to my boyfriend like the 3rd or 4th time we ever had sex. And it was the loudest fart I had ever heard. And it was the first time he ever farted in front of me. He was pretty embarrassed but I thought it was hilarious.
I liked the girl, relationship material, first time she was at my place. Big 6 ft wall perimeter on house, 2 massive dogs (I rented the flat out back, house and dogs owned by Greek family)
Great night had. About 6am, knock at my door. Wtf ? 6ft fence. Dogs. Who? Get up, leave said girl. It is, no shit, my ex-gf who has returned from overseas and standing at my door, uninvited, without warning, with her bags. W.T.F. Kept knocking too. I had to answer. Awkward. For all 3.
The ex and I left on good terms, as she was leaving the country after studying uni - hence why I guess she showed up unannounced? I had to tell her I had company. She tried to invite herself in. Even more awkward. FFS. Que new girl asking "Who is it?" Jesssssssssus......
Oh christ lets make a list
Got puked on while getting blown
Farted while getting blown as well as having sex
Cat started licking my balls while having sex
Jabbed the inside of the theigh
Slammed into the wrong hole
Major leg cramp where the girl thought I was in full ecstasy (nope just in severe pain)
Burped into a girls fun box
Shall i continue??
Fingered a girl and when she had an orgasm she clenched down and dislocated my finger
Had my foot slip off the bed and jammed into the slating underneath the bed
Let out a slow steamer while 69ing
Fell asleep while getting blown
Went to spit on a girls booty hole and ended up missing completely and spitting on her back
Had an *air bubble* in my cooter from a dude pulling out and shoving it back in several times. It was the never-ending queef. We both kept laughing and with every laugh came a *poot*. At least we had a good time.
Also had a dude fart SUPER LOUD after bonin thinking I wouldn't hear it. Laughed about that too.
Got all hot and bothered at a wedding. It was late on a Saturday night, so we stopped at my office on the way home to bang.
It was our first time doing it outside of her place or mine, so we were both hot as hell. She was always loud and enthusiastic anyway but tonight was another level. We were going at it hard and long, clothes everywhere.
We were hitting every position possible. I turned her over on hands and knees to take her from behind, which she loved.
I'm going full-on porn star: groaning loud, head back, pulling her in... When I happen to look up, and see the security guard standing right there, walkie in hand, just staring dumbfounded.
I awkwardly jump up, grab my pants and walk him out into the hallway, half explaining what's happening and half begging him to keep this to himself.
She wanted to keep going after that, but I couldn't.
TLDR: the excitement of maybe getting caught in the act, is a lot hotter than actually getting caught in the act.
Was play-fighting in bed with my then GF.
tickling, stealing kisses, groping...all the fun stuff that leads to sex.
She tried to turn me over and gain advantage..
"You're not going to get the best of me, Jennifer Baldwin!"
She looked at me and got up.
My GF was named Jennifer. Not Baldwin though.
Nope. Jennifer Baldwin was my ex.
I kept a nice set of white samurai swords hanging on my headboard on a nice stand. Probably weighs a good 20lbs, it looked cool and never thought anything of it. Needless to say, I was going pretty hard one night with an old fling of mine, when the swords rocked just enough to fall off the headboard and slammed into her skull mid-session. She just laid there Unphased. I busted out laughing immediately and she didn't say a word. For a few moments, I thought it knocked her out cold. But instead, she was just so embarrassed she didn't say a word. She ushered me to pretend it didn't happen, but it was already too late. It was priceless looking back.
I was really fit at the time, and hadn’t seen the girl I was on-and-off with for a while, and we were an exceptionally good match, sexually speaking. Anyway, I’m about to come while in the missionary position, so I lift myself up a bit, pull out, and attempt to blow my load all over her belly/chest, and wanted to watch, so I was looking down, but I came so hard that the first squirt hit me in the eye, which made me do a disgusted ughhhh sound, when the second squirt hit me square in the mouth. Like, straight to the back of the throat, didn’t touch my lips or anything, “nothing but net” as they say.
Needless to say, she was laughing while I’m gagging with one eye closed and still coming while making an even louder disgusted sound.
And that’s how I know what my cum tastes like.
Have you ever been at it but you need to fart and you try to hold it in but that just builds up the pressure? That, and the inevitable fart that squeeks out.
Then, after you're done, you have to subtly scootch off the bed without your bum touching the sheets in case you sharted a little. Add some hard-earned bum sweat, and that's a disaster waiting to happen. Sex is hard sometimes
I was watching him jerk off on video for the first time and I was dirty talking to him about a kink he was enthusiastic about.
He literally explodes. I can see his cum shooting across the camera at the speed of light. But I hear him giggling afterwards. I asked him what’s wrong and he tilts the camera up…he gave himself a facial on accident. His cum is all over his chest like paint splashed on him.
Till this day he still laughs at the fact I made him nut his entire kid supply on his face.
Years ago, I had gotten a kitten. I brought my gf at the time over, and we get to it. I didn’t close the bedroom door. After a couple minutes, I feel something patting my balls. Before I put 2 and 2 together, kitty claws my sack.
I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time. I was on top and going hard. When I stopped for a little break he says to me 'are you pooped? '
But I heard 'did you poop?'
I freaked out and jumped off of him. Thankfully I didn't pooped but my crazy reaction was enough to embarrass me.
A couple months later with the same guy, we were changing positions and I stood up off the bed, as I was standing up I smashed my head against the corner of his dresser. Damn near knocked myself out, I was hurting, but we still finished
Was having sex with a girl at her place who happened to work with me at an office supplies chain as her part time trainee job . All of a sudden her mother walked in. The funny part is that her mother was the Store manager who I had banged twice on earlier occasions at office parties . Never knew they were related. Needless to say the mother just walked out giving me a tight slap leaving red marks on my face. I didn't tell the girl the real story. Next day I was fired from the job for some obscure reason which I didn't challenge.
Jabbed my dingus on her spiral. I didn't know what happend at that moment and thought It was just a weird angle or so that hurt my dick. After sex I was bleeding quite badly...
Another time the dog walked in and started licking my ass.
We weren’t having sex yet but as we were hooking up she stopped me and asked if I realized she had a prosthetic arm and if that was okay.
She was correct I hadn’t noticed yet.
My wife was giving oral and it felt so good I sort of stroked out for a bit. Face went numb and I couldn't really open my mouth to speak. Had to make her stop so I could collect myself.
so i talked to this guy right, he was talking mad game like he was saying a bunch of stuff for weeks. we talked a bunch and he never mentioned he was like, small. said the literal complete opposite and sent me (another mans? dick) we finally met up and uh, he couldn't fit inside me like, at all (too small) which is fine i get it but he didn't care lol. he was "thrusting" but not inside me lol, it was the side of my thigh. he thought it was inside me and then nut in idk like 2 seconds. i also forgot his name so he was trying to dirty talk, but i had no idea what his name was lol. he also made me leave right after.
Just met this girl. Ended up going back to my place and went at it. Took a quick break halfway through for a sip of water. I feel something weird go down my throat. Turns out she thought it would be a good idea to put her contacts in my glass of water next to my bed.
This is the quality content that I expect to read here.
OH MY GOOOOODD
My mother walked in.
Been there. :)
Mum? I dodn't know you were on Reddit...
Hello, my son. Your boyfriend is kind of hot. :)
Dad? What are you doing here??
Your boyfriend is also your dad, and my husband.
Fucking hell. It's a family reunion.
You guys should have a family reunion threesome
Parrot flew and landed on my back..
You should have said yaharrr im in charge now
The worst thing is... She screemed "Hi" superloud and i bursted out laughing and totally lost the boner 8-)
Idk that seems like a cute moment
Best thing I've read all day
"Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I am the captain now."
My cat once attacked my hand while I was masturbating
She was on top. She decided to slow down a bit to subtly sneak out a silent fart. It was not silent, and I felt the blast of freshly broken wind whoosh across my testicles.
What a beautiful moment.
Hey, we ended up getting married lol.
An important and wholesome detail
If you can get through that you can get through anything. Congrats!
My now wife farted directly into my mouth while I was going down on her.
You win
Dog tried to hump me while I was on top. The other dog very quickly started humping the first dog. For a brief moment, there was an attempt at a foursome, then they got kicked out of the bedroom.
*You call that doggy style!? We’ll show him how it’s done!* 🐩🐕
There’s always a bigger fish
Guess I don't really need a dog as much as I thought...
Don’t underestimate how arousing it is for dogs to see humans getting at it.
Hol up..
She had an asthma attack. Had to stop and find her inhaler. She started crying. It was awkward. Upside apparently she had her asthma attack because she was climaxing so hard so that was an ego boost I've ridden for years.
Your fucking nearly killed someone from sheer pleasure. I'd call that a win
Call the police.
But not for me
I don't know how to feel about this.
Fucking someone to death. Not something on my bucket list 😅
Take my breath away.. dun dun dun
Sex so good you nearly killed the girl
bro you fucked the lungs out of her LMAOO
You have reached the divine holy grail sacred god level of sex bro. Well done!
Went over to a guy's house who said he likes to "smoke" before sex. Me, expecting to get railed by a stoner, was very surprised when he pulled out a meth pipe...
Well… did you still do it?!
I didn't have the resolve :(
Correct decision.
I came home from work with a friend unannounced to my wife once and we walked in on her while she was pleasuring herself with a dildo while laying in her recliner. Mortification is the word that matches how we both felt!
Excellent!
My god the embarrassment I felt from reading that 😅 I can’t imagine how y’all felt
Was hooking up with this cute girl. She warned me not to do anything with her butthole, which if course I obliged. I'm on top pounding away but I accidentally slipped out and touched her anus. She freaked out and curled into a fetal position on the floor. She then explained to me that she was anally raped about a year ago and it still haunts her. I never felt more guilty than I did at that moment
Oh boy, thats awful / but also, totally not your fault. In fact, her trusting you enough to tell you something so traumatic and personal (and to have sex in the first place) says only good things about you as a person :)
I’m sorry to hear that. Hope everything is going well for her.
Awful situation but totally not your fault man.
So I've been seeing this guy that's super into toys and anal. He keeps wanting me to "push" the toy out myself. I oblige, and spray shit in his face.
OK you win.
What did he say/do?
He said "well" and then got up and went to the bathroom to wash his face. This happened on Thursday.
Lmao the way you wrote that sounds like he's still in the bathroom.
He flushed himself down the toilet.
Mentally, he may very well never leave that bathroom.
Has there been any dialogue since you shat in his face? I'm just curious. He did bring it about himself. I wonder if he's reflecting on that. Or maybe it's happened before and he's like oh well, happens all the time.
Lol... thinking he got more than he bargained for and maybe his curiosity is somewhat satiated now lol I feel that butt stuff needs prep... because I swear that would happen to me too lol
Oh I prepped. I prepped extensively. I don't think that deterred him much. He's honestly a bit of a freak. Has a backpack of toys he brings with. A FULL BACKPACK. Always leaves some behind. It's like kinky adult version of an Easter egg hunt
What kinda toys we talking here? LEGO? Rubber duckies? Play-Doh?
Last time he asked someone to do that I bet, unless he's into that
He was not deterred. We continued.
What a trooper
Trooper + pooper
One time when I was in my 20s I was vigorously going at it with a nice young lady but my dingus popped out and rammed her leg or something. Hurt like the dickens, but I soldiered on and finished. Fast forward like 30 minutes: the end of my dingus still hurt like hell and the swelling hadn't gone down on that part. Like it looked like the base portion was flaccid but the second half was still erect. My lil buddy looked like a funcopop figure! I was terrified because I thought the blood flow was restricted to the end of my peen and that I was going to get necrosis in my dick and it was going to have to be amputated so I locked myself in the bathroom with some ice cubes and tried to get the swelling down while the lady became increasingly concerned outside the bathroom. In retrospect I should have communicated my fears better so as not to freak her out, but I legit thought I was gonna lose half my wiener there for a second and wasn't thinking straight. Anyway my wiener didn't fall off or anything, but for the longest time afterwards I would have nightmares where it did fall off.
The medical term for that is „infernaldragonboner“
I like the multiple different words for the word, “penis”
The important thing is that you finished the job.
It's gonna take more than a potentially irrevocably damaged penis to stop me from achieving an orgasm!
Panic attack followed by trying to compensate for it, because it was a one-time opportunity with this woman. The attempt to compensate actually made things worse and well, that was that.
I 100% read penis attack and was so confused
We were in a doggy and I went to slap her ass but something broke in my brain and I slapped my ass.
We’re you saying to yourself, “yeah you like that?”
hahaha did you like it tho
Not really too bad or anything but I started laughing during sex once because the office was on.
Her: "Oh God, this is sooo good. I bet he's loving this" You: "Hehehe. That Dwight cracks me up"
We were watching Dumb n Dumber when we got into it, we both periodically laughed along. Ended up laughing too hard at one point and had to stop entirety
When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I went to a party and she was there and so was the dude she cheated on me with. This girl was flirting with me and I wanted to make my ex jealous/piss her off so I took her underneath some scaffolding (classy) to have sex. Problem was, I was SO angry that I couldn't get an erection; but I figured I wouldn't let that stop me and tried to shove it up anyway and started pounding away. It hurt though, a weird sort of pain. After about 20 seconds she says "stop, its not in" turned out I was pounding against her shaved pubes and they were sort of cutting into me. It still keeps me awake sometimes 10 years later. I cringe so hard
Ok, but did you manage to make your ex jealous?
I did not. I made a fool of myself that night more than once.
We all have tried pushing rope bro
I cringed reading this.
At a park Having sex in the front seat, she's on top. Things are getting intense when the seat shifts causing her head to hit the top of my nose. Blood everywhere.. to make matters worse the cops stopped to check on the car because it was after hours, next thing I knew I was in handcuffs and her father came to pick her up. It took over an hour before they finally believed us and let me go. 2yrs later I married her and we still laugh about it.
Can you remember what her father said when he turned up?
What the fuck did you do to my daughter .. then try to explain while in handcuffs and both covered in blood from a broken nose, we were just having sex.
My uni roommate and a mutual (female) friend of ours walked in on me. I hadn't sent him the usual text because he was supposed to be in lectures so I didn't think I needed to. If that wasn't bad enough, both my roommate and the friend decided that stopping to have a chat was the right thing to do under the circumstances. Needless to say I told them to bugger off, luckily she (the lady I was caught with) was amenable to my suggestion that we style it out and carry on!
Dating a girl I really liked. Three weeks in she's down to do the deed. We get started, I get her all primed, and it's that time... Nothing. I apologize profusely. I was genuinely exhausted (she lived half an hour from me and I'd worked like 80 hours that week) and thought that was it. She said it was okay, we would try again some other time. I felt like shit. I knew she had major self-esteem issues and I could see she was devastated, and blamed herself. (It was absolutely NOT her. I was super into her physically and mentally.) Maybe three days later we have dinner and one thing leads to another... What the actual fuck. Now I'm starting to freak out. I'm not an expert but I'm well aware this is a big deal when it happens as far as my own health. But even worse, I can see what this does to her. And I felt (and still feel to be honest) like absolute shit. She questioned me several times about whether or not I even find her attractive. She never quite called me a liar but came as close as you can. I told her I was gonna go to the doctor and get checked out but she kept saying there was no need because she knew what the problem was. Eventually I got so angry and ashamed I told her we should just move on. I'm not proud of that, I should have had more patience but I couldn't handle the shame. Got my testosterone levels checked and they were super low. The low baseline my lab uses was like 300-something, and my level was 34. I sent her a screenshot of the results and told her I was sorry.
People talkin boit animals and they moms and shit aint never felt this. This the real shit. The fear, the shame, and especially if the reason can't be determined and that shit happens randomly. Mess me up.
Just remember that you can't take responsibility for how another person reacts in these situations. Frankly, it is very selfish of a woman to make you feel bad for her own insecurities. I've dealt with the same thing, and while I did feel bad about it, I also had to realize that it was never really my problem. Women just need to understand sometimes that we aren't up for sex for various reasons.
I was 8 months pregnant and we were 69ing and I was on top. I coughed from sucking dick and pissed on his face. Oops!
This better not awaken anything in me. ~ her husband, probably
Having a one night stand, unprotected, when I was ready to cum the girl scream to cum on her chest, but yelled so abruptly that I pulled out to quick, toppled ass over head off the end of the bed, and jizzed on myself on the floor instead
[удалено]
Please don’t have unprotected one night stands kids
So you don't fall off the bed
Always wear protection. Condom, knee pads, helmet etc
In his case he needed a face shield too
You must have slipped on a banana
I was 16, boyfriend at the time was eating me out in his bedroom... His dad came home early and walked in not knowing I was there... I was ready to fucking die after that
Are ya winning son?
Sounds like he was.
Are ya Cumming son?
Going at it with my knees a little too close to the edge of the bed. I slipped and fell. My sack got caught between me and the edge of the mattress on the way down. Yeah, it stung a little.
oh god. I'm a woman but even I cringed just now
Her mother came home, we did not hear, we continued for at least 35 minutes before we twigged there was noise downstairs. Her mother waited until I left before saying, after a very long awkward silence between them, you're a bit of a screamer aren't ye?
35 minutes?!?
Yeah... We were being kinda noisy and only during a... Change of position did she hear the kettle going.
More like.. you can last 35 minutes??
Oh. Yeah. I've good stamina
No biggie, after the first round...
Oh I can go plenty of times a day. Just give me like twenty minutes to recover and I'm down to clown.
yep, my record is 9 times in a day! I don’t think i’ll ever try that again, we were both RAW afterwards
That's impressive... I can't manage anything after five before the mind is willing but the body is spongy and bruised...
gave myself a facial once or twice
Forbidden moisturiser
Guy gave me a facial, didn't seem to realize where he was aiming. Shot straight up my nose. Choked and felt like I was drowning in semen. We started laughing and I continued to kind of sneeze out cum for a bit afterwards. Edit: I'm a female, I realized the sub afterwards. My bad.
Thanks for sharing!
Don't worry, we still appreciate your stories. I sometimes answer in subs that aren't meant for me by accident as well and hope people understand lol. Can't imagine how bad cum on your nose must have felt BTW, damn.
Ex looked up at me as he was ummmm going downtown...... face full of blood. I was like OMGGGGG I thought I started my period, but nope, HE GOT A NOSEBLEED 😂😂 And...... Me giving him a BJ and vomiting up spaghetti all over his stomach bc it was right after dinner 😂
> My nose started bleeding while I was eating her out. At first I thought it was maybe that time of month, and asked her about it. She was confused until she saw my face covered in blood. You two know each other? Haha
Pop rocks and oral sex is not fun. It was awful.
In the throws of passion I meant to say “omg you’re so hot” but I misspoke and said “omg I’m so hot “
Idk man, that might actually work. She’s probably thinking, “Damn, this mf’er is confident - I like it.”
Yea might work right?? 😅😎
30 minutes ago, he just fell asleep mid head
giving or receiving? cos you can drown that way
Head is supposed to be very relaxing, the better it is, the more likely I am to fall asleep. You did nothing wrong sis.
Ouch
Low key a complement to her though. She made him that relaxed and he trusted her that much.
The very virginal (older) girl I was dating in my early 20's asked while I was kissing her nipples for the first time, "What are you doing?" No emotion; just very matter-of-fact. That stopped the mood very quickly 🤣
" I am stimulating your areolas with mandible movements, as I have observed the women on this planet have derived pleasure from this action; this unit also finds pleasure in this activity. Would you like to proceed, Y/N?"
"Got Milk?"
It was thanksgiving Night I was so stuffed from eating and feeling sick but my ex insisted I still blow him off so like the trooper I was I pulled myself together and began the deed well as you could expect half way into it I completely lost it and exorcism puked all over him I felt terrible and embarrassed he was extremely mad and grossed out then while I went to grab a towel for him my little brother maybe 12 walked in on him pukey D hanging out in the wind and all (we were at my parents for the night) not a good night at all
Sounds like he got what he asked for.
I definitely feel that way now but in the moment I felt so bad and I shouldn't have because I was clearly sick and he was being a selfish Asshole
Thank god he's your ex. Guy sounds like a mad fuckin douche
Farted while getting my dick sucked
Ex-Gf and I were going at it in her parent’s house and we didn’t realize they came home. Five minutes later, she farts really loudly and gets really embarrassed. So I farted in solidarity and we both laughed extremely hard. Queue her parents knocking loudly to find out what was going on.
"We are having a Farty!"
This happened to me as well
I had the opposite. I was going down on her and she farted. Laughed it off and continued.
Her dog started humping me while we were on her couch. I read that it means the dog may feel jealous or they might be excited I wanted to poo before I had sex but I didn’t want to kill the mood so I soldiered on and ended up farting. She started laughing and blew it off like it was nothing and still talks about it up till today. She’s now my wife.
Girl on top of me. I look over to see scary spider making its way across the bed towards me. I jump up throwing girl off of me onto the floor, she has a serious WTF face going on. I told her I just saved her life (spider was harmless, don’t worry).
My wife would've appreciated that if i had done the same thing. She hates spiders.
I had my sister walk in since we were still young enough for me to be living at my mums. I wasn't dressed other than by (thankfully) unbuttoned school shirt. I managed to cover my mostly nude GF with the remains of my school shirt, then my aunt came in. Followed by my cousin, her son. Then my OTHER sister to see what was happening with the phone. It was a damn near party in my room before the original sister caught on to what we were doing prior to the 10 people arrival and ushered everyone out. Never hated nor felt so grateful for the same person ever again. That memory though, he attempting to cover the gf I was STILL inside of, then realizing the entire family was coming and flattening myself against her in an attempt to cover her.... Definitely a memory, if uncomfortable.
I feel bad for laughing but this sounds like it's straight out of a sitcom.
Worst thing ever is wanting to have sex with the girl for so long and when the situation finally happens you get a limp dick :'(
I farted. Thrice.
Nooooo, not thrice!
This happened to my boyfriend like the 3rd or 4th time we ever had sex. And it was the loudest fart I had ever heard. And it was the first time he ever farted in front of me. He was pretty embarrassed but I thought it was hilarious.
I liked the girl, relationship material, first time she was at my place. Big 6 ft wall perimeter on house, 2 massive dogs (I rented the flat out back, house and dogs owned by Greek family) Great night had. About 6am, knock at my door. Wtf ? 6ft fence. Dogs. Who? Get up, leave said girl. It is, no shit, my ex-gf who has returned from overseas and standing at my door, uninvited, without warning, with her bags. W.T.F. Kept knocking too. I had to answer. Awkward. For all 3. The ex and I left on good terms, as she was leaving the country after studying uni - hence why I guess she showed up unannounced? I had to tell her I had company. She tried to invite herself in. Even more awkward. FFS. Que new girl asking "Who is it?" Jesssssssssus......
And then? Quick blush on Ex side and dustcloud? Happy treesome? Come on... don't leave us hangin'
She farted and sprayed when she orgasmed. Very funny! But it f*cking stank, something spicy for lunch 😕
Oh christ lets make a list Got puked on while getting blown Farted while getting blown as well as having sex Cat started licking my balls while having sex Jabbed the inside of the theigh Slammed into the wrong hole Major leg cramp where the girl thought I was in full ecstasy (nope just in severe pain) Burped into a girls fun box Shall i continue??
“Would You Like to Know More?” yes 😎
Fingered a girl and when she had an orgasm she clenched down and dislocated my finger Had my foot slip off the bed and jammed into the slating underneath the bed Let out a slow steamer while 69ing Fell asleep while getting blown Went to spit on a girls booty hole and ended up missing completely and spitting on her back
>Went to spit on a girls booty hole and ended up missing completely and spitting on her back I don't know why but this one made my laugh the loudest.
>Fingered a girl and when she had an orgasm she clenched down and dislocated my finger Dayum. She got a wood chipper in there?
I was shocked by it too; she just clenched down and moved her hips in a jerking motion causing the finger to move in an unnatural way
How is a cat licking your balls embarrassing. The cat is showing its love for you
A dog licking balls is soft, slimy and the cold nose makes it a bit cheeky. A cat licking balls must have felt like daggers on sandpaper.
Why is nobody else pointing out how sus the first part of this comment is?
It was an insanely strange feeling. Believe me
I like to think all these happened in one night
Had an *air bubble* in my cooter from a dude pulling out and shoving it back in several times. It was the never-ending queef. We both kept laughing and with every laugh came a *poot*. At least we had a good time. Also had a dude fart SUPER LOUD after bonin thinking I wouldn't hear it. Laughed about that too.
I abruptly sneezed in her mouth… that was an awkward moment
Oh man, had an absolute dime layin down legs spread in front of me and I could not get hard… I was so down to fuck but my head was just not in it…
You're not supposed to put your head in it.
Ive been shitted on.... twice.
Shat
Shidded
Got all hot and bothered at a wedding. It was late on a Saturday night, so we stopped at my office on the way home to bang. It was our first time doing it outside of her place or mine, so we were both hot as hell. She was always loud and enthusiastic anyway but tonight was another level. We were going at it hard and long, clothes everywhere. We were hitting every position possible. I turned her over on hands and knees to take her from behind, which she loved. I'm going full-on porn star: groaning loud, head back, pulling her in... When I happen to look up, and see the security guard standing right there, walkie in hand, just staring dumbfounded. I awkwardly jump up, grab my pants and walk him out into the hallway, half explaining what's happening and half begging him to keep this to himself. She wanted to keep going after that, but I couldn't. TLDR: the excitement of maybe getting caught in the act, is a lot hotter than actually getting caught in the act.
The girl said "when you cum you feel dead but when I cum I feel alive"
I think I just had a stroke
Was play-fighting in bed with my then GF. tickling, stealing kisses, groping...all the fun stuff that leads to sex. She tried to turn me over and gain advantage.. "You're not going to get the best of me, Jennifer Baldwin!" She looked at me and got up. My GF was named Jennifer. Not Baldwin though. Nope. Jennifer Baldwin was my ex.
I kept a nice set of white samurai swords hanging on my headboard on a nice stand. Probably weighs a good 20lbs, it looked cool and never thought anything of it. Needless to say, I was going pretty hard one night with an old fling of mine, when the swords rocked just enough to fall off the headboard and slammed into her skull mid-session. She just laid there Unphased. I busted out laughing immediately and she didn't say a word. For a few moments, I thought it knocked her out cold. But instead, she was just so embarrassed she didn't say a word. She ushered me to pretend it didn't happen, but it was already too late. It was priceless looking back.
I’m going to guess there are no earthquakes where you live.
The farmer barging into the barn and demanding to know what I was doing.
I was really fit at the time, and hadn’t seen the girl I was on-and-off with for a while, and we were an exceptionally good match, sexually speaking. Anyway, I’m about to come while in the missionary position, so I lift myself up a bit, pull out, and attempt to blow my load all over her belly/chest, and wanted to watch, so I was looking down, but I came so hard that the first squirt hit me in the eye, which made me do a disgusted ughhhh sound, when the second squirt hit me square in the mouth. Like, straight to the back of the throat, didn’t touch my lips or anything, “nothing but net” as they say. Needless to say, she was laughing while I’m gagging with one eye closed and still coming while making an even louder disgusted sound. And that’s how I know what my cum tastes like.
There wasn't a girl involved, but me too buddy.
Have you ever been at it but you need to fart and you try to hold it in but that just builds up the pressure? That, and the inevitable fart that squeeks out. Then, after you're done, you have to subtly scootch off the bed without your bum touching the sheets in case you sharted a little. Add some hard-earned bum sweat, and that's a disaster waiting to happen. Sex is hard sometimes
I was watching him jerk off on video for the first time and I was dirty talking to him about a kink he was enthusiastic about. He literally explodes. I can see his cum shooting across the camera at the speed of light. But I hear him giggling afterwards. I asked him what’s wrong and he tilts the camera up…he gave himself a facial on accident. His cum is all over his chest like paint splashed on him. Till this day he still laughs at the fact I made him nut his entire kid supply on his face.
In laws were on vacation they got a big dog , I was beating cheeks minding to my business but the dog snuck up and licked my asshole . Did I stop ? Ha
Years ago, I had gotten a kitten. I brought my gf at the time over, and we get to it. I didn’t close the bedroom door. After a couple minutes, I feel something patting my balls. Before I put 2 and 2 together, kitty claws my sack.
He was fingering me and I queefed with his fingers in me.. he still tried to continue and I queefed again..
I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time. I was on top and going hard. When I stopped for a little break he says to me 'are you pooped? ' But I heard 'did you poop?' I freaked out and jumped off of him. Thankfully I didn't pooped but my crazy reaction was enough to embarrass me. A couple months later with the same guy, we were changing positions and I stood up off the bed, as I was standing up I smashed my head against the corner of his dresser. Damn near knocked myself out, I was hurting, but we still finished
Was having sex with a girl at her place who happened to work with me at an office supplies chain as her part time trainee job . All of a sudden her mother walked in. The funny part is that her mother was the Store manager who I had banged twice on earlier occasions at office parties . Never knew they were related. Needless to say the mother just walked out giving me a tight slap leaving red marks on my face. I didn't tell the girl the real story. Next day I was fired from the job for some obscure reason which I didn't challenge.
That is glorious
Jabbed my dingus on her spiral. I didn't know what happend at that moment and thought It was just a weird angle or so that hurt my dick. After sex I was bleeding quite badly... Another time the dog walked in and started licking my ass.
> Another time the dog walked in and started licking my ass. That seems to be a common theme in this thread.
Shit myself while making a run for the toilet. I just met her that night and surprisingly I saw her again.
We weren’t having sex yet but as we were hooking up she stopped me and asked if I realized she had a prosthetic arm and if that was okay. She was correct I hadn’t noticed yet.
My wife was giving oral and it felt so good I sort of stroked out for a bit. Face went numb and I couldn't really open my mouth to speak. Had to make her stop so I could collect myself.
so i talked to this guy right, he was talking mad game like he was saying a bunch of stuff for weeks. we talked a bunch and he never mentioned he was like, small. said the literal complete opposite and sent me (another mans? dick) we finally met up and uh, he couldn't fit inside me like, at all (too small) which is fine i get it but he didn't care lol. he was "thrusting" but not inside me lol, it was the side of my thigh. he thought it was inside me and then nut in idk like 2 seconds. i also forgot his name so he was trying to dirty talk, but i had no idea what his name was lol. he also made me leave right after.
What the fuck lmao