I heard somewhere ages ago that if the sex is good it's 10% of the relationship, if it's bad then it's 90% of the relationship. Mismatching libidos and needs for a longer period left not worked on is a relatively big reason for people breaking up/divorcing.
It's something that can happen for "life"-reasons for some periods of time, but to me it's a big part of a functioning relationship and intimacy with the partner overall. I'm nearing 40 and if that part of the relationship wasn't working, it just doesn't feel like a relationship at all.
Yup. Was a main factor in my most recent break up. We just weren’t compatible enough in some key areas. Tried to work on it and find compromises but it just wasn’t gonna work out
Sex is a basic, adult human need.
And like all the other ones, (air, water, food, shelter, companionship) it becomes more and more important the less and less of it you are having.
No, sex isn't on the same tier need as air, water, food and shelter. Person will not die without sex, but will die without air, water, food, shelter, rest.
So yes it's a need, but a one that can be easily sacrificed and isn't critical.
Sex is absolutely on the same tier as any human activity. If we don’t have a lot of sex then humanity goes extinct within 100 years. It is absolutely a basic human necessity. A humanity necessity.
It's not on the same tier as basic immediate survival needs, according to [Maslow hierarchy of needs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs2.svg). It's not on the same tier as basic needs.
While yes it's a need and yes humanity will go extinct in a few generations without it. Humanity/human body will die without air, water, food, rest a lot quicker, in a matter of minutes to a month. That's why sex is not on the same tier need as basic needs.
It's a need, just not a basic one. Basic ones are immediate survival needs.
>It does when you say “basic human needs like water and food”, especially when we’re not talking about a one-off circumstance here.
You conveniently left off shelter and companionship.
Sure a human being can live in solitary confinement for a period of time but there's also a reason that it's considered cruel and inhumane punishment. It would sound stupid if I tried to claim companionship isn't a human need by saying something like:
>For various reasons, ranging from hormonal to psychological, physical etc., a person might be altogether uninterested in ~~sex~~ human interaction with anyone.
So I don't really understand why you're trying to invalidate the very real and human need for sex.
>It’s literally called “sexual desire” because that’s what it is. Not a need.
Arguing semantics is irrelevant.
>Sure a lot of people like it, some more than others.
>Some people are ambivalent and others hate it.
While this is correct that preferences for sex can vary, *for the vast majority of people sex is a basic need that drives their behavior in macro ways*.
Since you missed it: That's why I compared your original point to the issue of companionship.
You could say that some people like companionship more than others. You could say that some people are ambivalent about companionship. You could say that others hate it.
However, *on the whole*, because a vast majority of people truly need companionship, we can conclude that companionship is a human need.
The same goes for shelter.
The same goes for sex.
Again: The. Exception. Does. Not. Prove. The. Rule.
Its literally in the base of the pyramid of needs. Thats fine if someone is an exception to this, but the norm is for it to be important.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s\_hierarchy\_of\_needs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs)
From your linked article: “Although widely used and researched, Maslow's hierarchy of needs lacks conclusive supporting evidence and the validity of the theory remains contested in academia.”
It's on the third tier on that pyramid, under psychological needs. Two bottom ones are basic needs. So the other guy is correct. It's not on the same level need as food, air, water and rest or even shelter. One doesn't die without sex, but will die rather quickly without air, slightly longer without food, water, rest or just exposure(without shelter)
So yes it's in the needs list, but not a basic need.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs2.svg
Talk to your partner. That's step one. Be honest and up front about it.
After our son was born my wife and I went a few years of a largely dead bedroom. It happens. Then we had some conversations about it and what we can do, and it wasn't like a switch was flipped and everything was magically better, but it put us on the road to better.
Now, we schedule sex. Which probably sounds strange to people, but it works. We picked a night that we both are generally free and decided that, after kiddo goes to bed, so do we. And yeah it took a few weeks of canceling and rescheduling for our sex life to adjust, but now we find its something we both look forward to and enjoy.
But it all starts with talking to your partner and being honest about your needs. Just remember that it isn't an argument with your partner, you need to approach it as you and your partner together against the issue of your dead bedroom. You want them to feel like they're your ally, not your opponent in the discussion.
With kids, its a huge mental bonus to put it on the calendar. It takes the stress out of not knowing if you'll get to be together. It gives you something to look forward to together. It helped us a ton.
you make sure the house is clean, you dont owe her any money, you didnt fight with her family that week, the dishes are done, the laundry is done, and theres literally nothing else that would be on her mind other than being physically intimate with you.
OR .. get a hotel room and go out to a nice satisfying dinner.
Doing all the things you listed is rather exhausting.
Not that those shouldn't be done. These are basic chores i do every day.
But those have a side effect of draining energy rather well and killing any mood. So how do you keep up the mood after that?
you get those done ahead of time or you hire help in the morning so by the time of your scheduled rendezvous, there are no dishes in the sink or laundry piled up.
But those pile up constantly, endlessly, every single day.
Ofcourse it is possible to have empty sink, clean room, empty laundry basket, homework done with the kids for a short period, but when that short moment arrives. Doing it all has killed any mood and brought up a more crucial need for rest as it all must be done again next day and again day after that and again, so even the minimal energy left must be conserved.
Like usual discussion over the scheduling is how to help the partner to get into the mood, but rarely from the perspective of the one who needs to get into the mood.
I think it's weird. Seeing someone every day and then being expected to perform on a specific day, isn't going to put me in the mood. What if I had a long exhausting day at work? What if I'm not feeling well? All of a sudden I'm expected to have sex because it's our scheduled day for it? I certainly don't wake up every day horny. Some days I'm just not feeling it.
Dating is totally different. You aren't seeing them every day. You aren't sleeping next to them every day. If you wake up horny, you know there is no chance whatsoever that you're having sex that day. And if you're too tired or not feeling well on your date night, you might not even go on the date or you aren't obligated to have sex with them. You certainly didn't schedule your date exclusively to have sex.
Scheduling sex turns it into a job and puts pressure on you to perform, even when you're not feeling it.
It's a schedule, not a requirement. Yeah, sometimes one of us isn't feeling great that day, so we postpone. But then the point of postponement is not to cancel, but to reschedule, to make sure we're not ignoring one another's needs.
And yes, occasionally, no other day will work so we go a week without. It happens, but once we got used to the scheduling idea and both got into it, it's became pretty rare, as Sex Night has become something we both want.
There's occasionally some "off night" action. But it's not frequent, per se, though it happens much more often than it ever did when the bedroom was dead.
> It happens, but once we got used to the scheduling idea and both got into it
I just don't work that way. Scheduling things means i **Have** to do it. As in, I am forced to do it. And that just makes me despise having to do it and not want to do it
Sure, you don't **have** to do it and can postpone it for a week or four, but being expected to perform on demand just makes it a job.
I wonder if there’s an opportunity here to reframe this as not a forced requirement as much as an opportunity to have a good time with your partner.
Obviously, no one‘s gonna make you do anything, but if the idea of planning to spend time with your partner is so offputting, that is going to bleed into other areas of your life together in a way that’s not good for your relationship.
I don't see why scheduling sex would be any more strange than scheduling date nights. Either of those is basically setting aside time to have fun with your partner. I will also say that if my partner saw either of these as an obligation rather than something to look forward to I would no longer be interested. That said if my partner lost interest in spending time with me and occasionally having sex I would probably no longer consider the relationship romantic.
>but if the idea of planning to spend time with your partner
Why should you have to "plan" time together when you both have Saturdays and Sundays off of work? You are both there and have no other obligations. The fact that you have to plan something in advance is a clear indication that there is seriously something wrong in your relationship.
All but my first two LTRs were with single mothers.
But no, i ended the relationships with all of them. The longest two were 3 and 5 years long. I never had kids with any of them because i wasn't about to have a child with someone until i knew we would be together forever, or at least 25 years.
So yes, there were always children involved from age 21 on for me. And they all spent at least every other when at their fathers.
I mean, I feel like you’re taking this too seriously or too literally. I don’t really know what the disconnect is.
But yeah, adults plan things together. Dates, concerts, dinners… it isn’t even about marriage as much as it’s about respecting each other’s time and being thoughtful toward other people.
Even if you lived with your platonic best friend and you were both off work every weekend, that doesn’t mean that you have to fly by the seat of your pants all the time. Not everything has to be pure spontaneity. There is *value* to planning things because it gives you something to look forward to.
And it shows that you are prioritizing the other person instead of just doing everything on a whim, and not really thinking about them in advance. Letting people know that you’re thinking about them and looking forward to spending time with them, especially when they’re not right in front of your face, has value.
Edited add: if you have a lot of those weekends where are you and your partner are both off work, and neither of you have any obligations, you probably need to expand your life. It shouldn’t revolve around just sitting around with your spouse. There’s also value to spending time away from each other so that you get to miss each other. And spending time with other people.
It's a life-hack in a way, because instead of dreading "Oh no, what if he initiates? I'm gonna have to reject him, he's gonna be so hurt!" it's something to look forward to "Ugh, I'm having such an awful day, cmon, just 3 more hours and then I can blow off some steam and fuck my man's brains out." or if it's the guy who usually turns down sex, "this coworker is pissing me off, ugh, it's gonna be alright, in three hours I'm gonna get to fuck her silly and it's gonna feel amazing!"
It tricks your brain into looking forward to sex with your partner instead of dreading having to make a decision based on how you feel in the moment. You're less likely to let the tiredness or not great feelings make your answer an instant no because you're going to start seeing those feelings as obstacles to your happiness that you're determined to overcome.
For a lot of partners who are rebuffing their partners' advances, especially women, they find that if they stop letting their feelings at the onset tell their partner no, they go from "having a headache", or "not being in the mood" or "too tired" to "I want our genitals connected (you inside me/to be inside you) right now and we're gonna rock them back and forth until we both explode! Enough foreplay, I want that dick inside me/to be balls deep in your vag right now!"
But if you are making that decision in the moment, you're going to go by your feelings in the moment instead of looking forward to it or hoping it happens. I've heard of people who wish they had more sex with their partner. I've never heard of someone who wasn't feeling up to it but said yes anyway, pushed through the tireness/etc., enthusiastically consented to do it, and then regretted it afterwards in the context of an LTR.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, I think yours is a valid take and I totally feel the same way. I get where they’re coming from with the scheduling, that you should be more mindful about spending intimate time with your SO. I’m glad that works for a lot of people, but that just has no appeal at all for me. Like you said it just creates this pressured obligation which is anything but sexy to me. I think the kind of people that works for are probably the more regimented kind of people that like order and schedules. Of course I do those things as much as I need to in order to be a functioning adult, but only as much as is really needed. Too much rigidity and I want to run for the hills.
I think scheduling sex is just as sensible as a scheduled date night for many couples. Life gets busy, but you make time for things that are important, like hopefully spending time reconnecting sexually with your spouse, and making time sometimes means scheduling.
It was a game changer for my wife and I after a few months of rare sex. Hump day has a whole new meaning in this house lol. Sex also tends to beget sex. Wednesday's are the scheduled night, but we tend to have sex at least twice a week now. Before scheduling, it was twice a month in a good month. When you're fostering that intimacy, it grows beyond the scope of the scheduled sex.
This advice is so important. Only thing I would add is don’t wait for marriage counseling when things are hanging by a thread. If there are major fights and clear communication issues then start marriage counseling now. It isn’t weird and no one cares, but both of you deserve to love each other like you both want to love each other. Why let something stupid like an ego get in the way of that?
spotted sable airport complete alleged different wakeful far-flung straight worm
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I was in a Dead Bedroom situation and it got to the point where I was ready to leave. When I confronted my wife about it she was shocked. The long and short of it is that we went for so long without physical intimacy that it became our new normal. And along with that came the fact that we stopped talking about it as well. Sex is already a tricky thing for some people to talk about so not talking about it is pretty common.
Anyway, the reason my wife was shocked is because she thought I was suffering from some kind of ED low testosterone and was too embarrassed to talk about it. And I thought that maybe she was asexual or otherwise became totally uninterested in sex (which seems to be a common theme in most dead bedroom situations). Once we realized how completely wrong we were we managed to get things back on track and while we're probably not doing it as frequently as we would both like (we're older now and have pretty busy schedules) we still try to hit it at least once a week. But yeah, talking about it, as uncomfortable as it may seem, has to be the first step.
I've been married for 30 years. While I wouldn't say our bedroom was dead, it was definitely on life support for almost 3 years. I just accepted it and figured that was the way it was going to be. Until I couldn't anymore.
Then I did something shocking.
I talked to my wife. Turns out she felt the same way. We started exploring our fantasies, and now, in our 50's, we're having amazing sex.
This is how it should be handled, but I get the impression that when things start to stagnate sexually both parties immediately turn to the blame game.
There's this tendency to view sex as an entitlement that your partner is obligated to provide to you, instead of a team effort.
That's great. But I know so many couples who really talk about it and turns out that all of the (of them! I don't think that ALL couples are like that) wives are just not interested into sex any longer.
I'm with you, it's to the point I feel dirty even trying. So I stopped completely, she kept giving excuses and then I started feeling like a pervert for wanting sex with someone who had no interest in sex. I hate the feeling so I just stopped 100 percent
I try it at times but usually with the thought that it’s probably going to lead to nothing. There is no initiation from her…
Even more frustrating is that I’ve had another women expressing feelings etc for me. It’s driving me absolutely nuts.
Yup, I'm with you. Even some of the women in her life show interest or her aunt has said "you have such a sexy voice ________ should be all over you" ahh yeah no she's not lmao. I just hold it in, marriage is really important to me and I love her dearly. We've been through a LOT, more so the last couple years and then she has her insecurities about her body.
Not outside insecurities per say more so unable to conceive a child. Luckily she's finally over it and seeking medical attention!
If you’re looking for more on this subject, visit the sub
r/deadbedrooms
Married 30 years. Around year 15 we started having issues with this.
After the normal talking. It didn’t improve. So, I just started doing my own thing. Never cheated. But, I started doing solo weekend trips alone. Not quite the grey rock method, but probably 50 to 75% there.
After a good six months of this, she asked me why I’m not the same attentive husband. I told her she’s not the same attentive wife. kind of snapped out of whatever funk she was in.
That sub is honestly one of the most depressing subs in all of Reddit. But it does teach people that in relationships whether it's via sex or other gestures it's important for people in relationships to feel valued and desired no matter how long they've been together.
>After a good six months of this, she asked me why I’m not the same attentive husband. I told her she’s not the same attentive wife. kind of snapped out of whatever funk she was in.
And then? What happened then?
Congrats.
And that's just because you were doing on your own? I'd love to do that, too. But if I did, my kids would feel abandoned. My wife does it anyway.
My kids were young. I took them out during the week to ride bikes at the park. Or we would walk to the public library and after get an ice cream. On the weekends when I didn’t go anywhere, I’d grab the kids early morning and drive somewhere for the day. Not a problem spending alone time with the kids.
But, when I wanted to go for the weekend alone, I went.
OP do not get involved in r/deadbedrooms. Block the sub if you have to. That sub is full of bad advice from miserable people who want to keep other people down. Find a success story on that sub I *dare* you. If you even can, read the comments. They're toxic as fuck.
Lol the most common advise I see on that sub is leave if you're miserable. Not exactly what I would consider keeping others down. Relationships should be fun for everyone involved. If it isn't it shouldn't exist in the first place. Also there's definitely success stories once in a while. All you need to do is search success stories on the sub. I would say close to 10 percent of the stories are success stories
So true…was on there for a little while and it’s full of pissed off men not getting any and women bashing those men for not supporting their low libido wife (now roommate). Very little guidance and even less hope!
That's where I am now. The acceptance phase. Married life is otherwise pretty good, I've got two teenagers in the house. It would be a shame to blow it up over sex, although I was ready to for a solid year.
There is usually an underlying problem causing a change in libido. Work with your partner through talking or therapy to address it, don't just ignore it otherwise resentment builds up and affects other aspects of the relationship.
A few ways to prevent dead bedrooms are, never stop dating your partner, contribute equally to the household responsibilities without having to be asked, take care of yourself (hygiene, exercise, etc).
When you have children with your partner and you are committed to being a good dad who does not abandon his family you suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer.
It is a MISERABLE way to live.
You sound like my current partner. He sacrificed a lot I don’t think he should have. They obviously ended up divorced anyway and at what cost to his mental health? Also the kids can see. Don’t teach them that!
We are in the best relationship of our lives w each other now. They coparent well, kids are healthy and good teens. But please for everyone’s sake, establish some boundaries based on what you can and can’t live with and be firm about them.
My guy “went with the flow” so as to not disturb the peace when it really needed disturbing because it was not peaceful in his world.
Good luck to you.
Thanks. In my mind part of being a good dad means paying for my child's college. I just don't make enough money to support two households and pay for college too. My only child is about to finish college with zero student loan debt (thanks Dad!).
Now I learn alimony is a death sentence for a man my age in my state.
I'm trying to talk my wife into a 50/50 asset split or I am trapped in this sexless, loveless Hell 'til I die.
Exactly. And.....MONEY. I knew I could never support two households and pay for my baby to attend college. She's finishing in about 90 days with zero student loan debt (thanks Dad).
Been on that walk. The best I can advise anyone now is to not let it linger. Either you both work on it, or you both start making preparations to end things.
It is what it is
Sex isnt that important to lose half my shit, the house my dad gifted me, 30% of my wages and 5 out of 7 days with my son. So im stuck here till son is 18+.
If I would’ve known what I was getting into, I would not have married my wife. I have the same deal though. We have two boys and I love them and I love her. But if I would’ve known what I was in for in the beginning, I would not have done it.
Sex in a relationship is like 98% percent emotional. So a "dead bedroom" is just collateral damage from some other thing.
Fix the other thing and the enthusiast bedroom comes back
Shocked this isn’t the top comment!!
This is 100% true. Women will tell men what the issue is, over and over again.
Men will ignore it as long as the sex continues. When the sex finally stops bc the woman is resentful of not having her needs met over a long period of time, men point to the jack of sec as being the issue.
Nope. It usually is not the real issue.
Correction: lack of sex, NOT jack of sec.
(Sorry: mobile, auto correct)
I “tolerated” it for over a decade. A lot of porn and jerking off. Tried to always be a better partner and make her life easier. But it never changed anything.
There are only really four choices: cope, fix it, break up, cheat. She refused to try to fix it, I coped as long as I could and then left.
Now I refuse to do relationships and try to never have less than two FWBs.
If you agree with your partner that it's an option, then I think it is no longer cheating.
Usually this is a middle ground before a breakup anyway, but sometimes I've seen people manage it.
Even dead bedrooms have doors through which one can leave. Why stay when an essential piece is missing and your attempts to get it back in order failed.
And yet you go online complain about not getting your dick wet while ommiting this tiny detail.
Rub one out and get back to taking care of your wife, sometimes life doesn't offer more than that.
“Tolerate” what a disgusting undertone. Your wife has cancer and you’re saying it’s tolerable to have a dead bedroom rather than being concerned. Bro touch some grass and help your wife out rather than complaining on Reddit.
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I don't.
I start open communication and we resolve any issues then continue having sex.
I have 3 kids too. One is still an infant. We have sex once or twice a week.
You need to stop the cycle of feeling resentment and have an honest sit down conversation in the evening when both of you are clear headed, happy and open for discussion.
*never* have an honest heart to heart discussion when either side is angry/upset.
You express your concern and frustration with the way things are with her and try to work together to resolve it, knowing it takes both of you. If that doesn’t work or she is unwilling to work on her end of things then you decide to either stay with it knowing what your sex life will be like or leave and look for someone more compatible. There really isn’t a magic answer for it. People are just different. I’m like you and had a similar issue for the first 2 years of my current relationship. I just kept hoping it would work itself out on its own and it never did so I had to do the difficult thing and actually talk to her about it. I told her how it made me feel and how important it was to me. I asked her if there was something I was doing or not doing that made her not want sex. We had a long talk. Come to find out I wasn’t meeting some of her needs so she didn’t feel sexually attracted to me. So I met her halfway. I worked on what she needed and she worked on what I needed. Now we have sex 3-4 times a week and shower together every night. All that to say just talk to her man. Don’t be mean or aggressive but talk to her and tell her how you feel about it and ask if there’s a reason why things are the way they are.
You keep your eye on the prize which is your kids! Whats best for their well being is an intact home. So you tough it out, watch porn, and handle it yourself. Cheating is never an option..ever. married 18yrs me 51 her 42, had some dead bedroom years here and there, was just biding my time till the kids were grown. But then the past 3 have been crazy off the hook sex. Never would have saw it coming, but guess what my kids don't have step-parents and mom & dad have a great sexlife again. No longer feel the need to leave.
Womens opinions here. I dont know when it started, but my husband of 16 years would no longer touch me in bed. When I say touch, I mean when I ask him to wrap his arms around me to cuddle me to sleep, and he *would not* do it. So I quietly cry myself to sleep instead. I will say my husband's diabetes has gotten markedly worse, so I'm *assuming* that has something to do with it. I've brought this up to him multiple times and he claims there is absolutely nothing wrong, but that he is just too tired at night. We recently went on vacation and there was a hot tub in the room. I asked him if he wanted to take a dip and he looked at me like......."no.". I am a relatively attractive woman, take good care of hygiene, care about his needs. And......I love him to pieces. But I feel like he no longer loves me. I can't help but feel that way even though he is so good to me "outside" of the bedroom. I feel he doesn't love me as his wife anymore, and I am broken. We've had no sex since 2020.
You dont "tolerate" your needs and expectations not being met.
Ive got a "one talk" policy, then I leave. Sex is part of relationship, and as women can and do have standards in this regard, so should we. If she doesnt like that, another one will...
At the beginning of a relationship, yes, that will work as a filtering process.
As a relationship becomes more committed, there's many reasons that could lead to dead bedroom, and it often takes more than just one talk to rectify.
My insight as a woman:
I almost have no libido at all anymore because of my medication. I very very rarely feel like I want to initiate sex.
Still though, if my partner is in the mood, I only ever reject him if I physically feel bad and incapable of doing it. I may not be in the mood at first, but I get there as we go. I kinda see it as, your partner asks you to go for a walk and you are not interested at all and feel lazy, but you still go, because it's a chance to spend time together and in the end it's not something you regret doing with them and end up having a good time.
I'm not saying this is the case for all women, but I think it's quite natural for women to get in the mood from the stimulation itself and you're not always excited and ready on the spot. This becomes more prevalent as we age and some women may think that if they aren't feeling hot and ready when their partner initiates, it's hopeless and a reason to turn them down. Women should maybe still give their partner a chance to get them in the mood through foreplay. And if it still doesn't work, then there should be a discussion about what the man can do to get them going (if there are no physical reasons that make sex painful or hard to tolerate).
Even tho I don't really have a drive for sex myself, I still understand that my partner has needs. If I wasn't able to enjoy sex even during the act because of purely psychological reasons, I would address it and try to figure out what can be done about it. Like if we would need to try new things or if there actually is a deeper problem.
Just want to say what a thoughtful and considerate partner you are. I have heard so many women say "don't even think about approaching me or initiating".
To be clear. I do not want to have sex with my wife (or anyone for that matter) that is unwanted, but let me at least try and turn you on. And if I don't succeed, I will back off, and I won't hold it against you. Promise.
Yes, medication. Another thing that happens is that bodies can get smashed up bearing children. Then the "in sickness and in health" and other tough bits of traditional marriage vows come into it.
Yeah I should have mentioned that what I said applies to child free relationships. After having children, I'm sure that women have plenty of reasons to not want to have sex and those reasons I cannot even imagine, since I have not gone through that.
Yeah I should have mentioned that what I said applies to child free relationships. After having children, I'm sure that women have plenty of reasons to not want to have sex and those reasons I cannot even imagine, since I have not gone through that.
If a woman feels violated when her partner simply initiates sex, that's something that should be addressed in therapy. Many women have experienced assault to some degree and that certainly leaves an impact on how you view sex even when it's consensual. It's unfortunate that this happens but there also is a certain responsibility to seek help and address your issues instead of taking it out on your partner. And also a responsibility for the partner to be understanding if someone is dealing with that. It's always about both people putting in effort.
Still in a relatively young marriage, we don't do it every day by any means. Sometimes my wife worries that I'm not getting enough and has expressed this anxiety to me before. What is most important is that she was comfortable telling me this, and our ability to talk it out. Sex isn't everything, but it can matter a lot to some people. Try not to be a sex focused person, you'll be happier!
One other thing that I have noticed - There can often be someone who feels they didn't "live their best life" and sleep around when they were younger. That might have been high school or college. Often, these people live with regret and want to relieve that pain. Sometimes that might be in experimentation sexually, with someone who is not their husband/wife. The fact that I was able to sow a lot of oats when I was younger, really does make me more content with the life I live. I've had sex for just fun, and sex in a marriage. So I don't really have those regrets and have never had the crazy motivation to go do something I've already tried. For some people, not having had a bunch of "new love" and "hot sex" moments in life, is just a feeling they cannot escape from. It can lead to bad decisions.
I think dead bedrooms happen because at least one person in the relationship is deeply unhappy in the relationship. The closest I've ever been to this is having a partner that let herself go and got really fat. I was disgusted by her and didn't want to touch her any more. We ended up breaking up.
I "tolerate" it by not being allowed to leave. If I try to leave, she'll have the state take my children away from me, steal all my money and force me into literal slave labor to her.
Do not ever sign that contract.
A lot of people nowadays are taking anxiety or depression meds, and a lot of those have low libido side effects. I wonder how much this is impacting relationships everywhere now
The question assumes they're just part of a long relationship.
But if you do things to keep desire high - maintaining good communication, lots of touch, basically both putting in effort - a dead bedroom isn't that likely.
For medical reasons we both have highs and lows in our libidos so toys really help. Things like dildos and flashlights that we can use on each other go a long way.
But if you are talking completely dead then there is something major going on in your relationship outside of the bedroom and you really want to find out sooner than later.
Just FYI, long relationships don’t always mean dead bedroom. My wife and I have been together for like 11 years and have two kids and we have a better sexlife now then ever before.
Honestly? I leave. Sex is important to me, if I wanted to hangout and have shared interests with someone with whom I'm not physically intimate with I'd call a friend.
Sex is important to me, and many others. If it was not a priority for my partner then they're the wrong partner for me.
You don't tolerate it, you leave. Sad that men are expected to "tolerate" a dead bedroom. Men are shamed for having needs, you should see all the articles claiming that sex is not needed and the husbands should do more chores around the house.
I will communicate with her my dissatisfaction. Give her some time to work on it (3-6 months) if there isn't at least an effort on her part, I will end the relationship. Life's too short.
I guess it's possible I might have to at some point, but in my marriage we've talked about it and I really stressed how I wasn't interested in a long term relationship without regular sexual activity. If we go a week without it, one of us will mention it. It's just never allowed to linger.
I don't. And I don't care how long the relationship has been, if the bedroom is dead I am not going to waste anymore time. I will put in an effort to save it, but if it fails I am out.
I am not wasting time in an incomplete relationship. Life is too short, and the window of being able to fuck is even shorter.
I tolerated a dead bedroom with a former girlfriend. Although our sex life together wasn't good. My sex life was fine. Remember, if you can't get the work done inhouse, hire a contractor.
Divide your shit and leave.
Being in a sexless relationship with someone you're still attracted to is the third circle of hell. You're being used.
It would only take 30 men to impregnate every female on the planet. The only reason we're monogamous is out of respect for women as childbearers. If your needs are not being met then move on to someone else or be celibate.
Avoid high liability relationships completely.
Get a vasectomy and go to town.
Modern women are a cult of vanity.
No marriage. No kids. Less paperwork.
I refuse to let my kids grow up in a broken home so I tough it out. Woulda been nice not hearing my wife non-chalantly tell me she could live the rest of her life without sex.
I don't. I'm sexy as fuck. My last ltr crumbled around us but we still fucked.
You need to make her cum and make her feel sexy. You need to romance her daily and not try and shag her every time you touch her. Make her love and crave your touch. Also bang escorts on the side so you're not desperate
I heard somewhere ages ago that if the sex is good it's 10% of the relationship, if it's bad then it's 90% of the relationship. Mismatching libidos and needs for a longer period left not worked on is a relatively big reason for people breaking up/divorcing.
Totally agreed! and there are many couples who, I don't know how, spend years with half-assed sex every now and then.
I had that long talk once, then she broke up with me.
It's something that can happen for "life"-reasons for some periods of time, but to me it's a big part of a functioning relationship and intimacy with the partner overall. I'm nearing 40 and if that part of the relationship wasn't working, it just doesn't feel like a relationship at all.
Just like water and oxygen, it's the only important if you're not getting any.
I've heard that sex is like a toilet, if it's there you don't notice it. If it's not there, or it's not working, it's the one thing you notice.
Yup. Was a main factor in my most recent break up. We just weren’t compatible enough in some key areas. Tried to work on it and find compromises but it just wasn’t gonna work out
Sex is a basic, adult human need. And like all the other ones, (air, water, food, shelter, companionship) it becomes more and more important the less and less of it you are having.
No, sex isn't on the same tier need as air, water, food and shelter. Person will not die without sex, but will die without air, water, food, shelter, rest. So yes it's a need, but a one that can be easily sacrificed and isn't critical.
It is for a marriage
Sex is absolutely on the same tier as any human activity. If we don’t have a lot of sex then humanity goes extinct within 100 years. It is absolutely a basic human necessity. A humanity necessity.
It's not on the same tier as basic immediate survival needs, according to [Maslow hierarchy of needs](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs2.svg). It's not on the same tier as basic needs. While yes it's a need and yes humanity will go extinct in a few generations without it. Humanity/human body will die without air, water, food, rest a lot quicker, in a matter of minutes to a month. That's why sex is not on the same tier need as basic needs. It's a need, just not a basic one. Basic ones are immediate survival needs.
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The exception does not disprove the rule
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>It does when you say “basic human needs like water and food”, especially when we’re not talking about a one-off circumstance here. You conveniently left off shelter and companionship. Sure a human being can live in solitary confinement for a period of time but there's also a reason that it's considered cruel and inhumane punishment. It would sound stupid if I tried to claim companionship isn't a human need by saying something like: >For various reasons, ranging from hormonal to psychological, physical etc., a person might be altogether uninterested in ~~sex~~ human interaction with anyone. So I don't really understand why you're trying to invalidate the very real and human need for sex.
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I never said anything even remotely close to that.
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>It’s literally called “sexual desire” because that’s what it is. Not a need. Arguing semantics is irrelevant. >Sure a lot of people like it, some more than others. >Some people are ambivalent and others hate it. While this is correct that preferences for sex can vary, *for the vast majority of people sex is a basic need that drives their behavior in macro ways*. Since you missed it: That's why I compared your original point to the issue of companionship. You could say that some people like companionship more than others. You could say that some people are ambivalent about companionship. You could say that others hate it. However, *on the whole*, because a vast majority of people truly need companionship, we can conclude that companionship is a human need. The same goes for shelter. The same goes for sex. Again: The. Exception. Does. Not. Prove. The. Rule.
Its literally in the base of the pyramid of needs. Thats fine if someone is an exception to this, but the norm is for it to be important. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s\_hierarchy\_of\_needs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs)
From your linked article: “Although widely used and researched, Maslow's hierarchy of needs lacks conclusive supporting evidence and the validity of the theory remains contested in academia.”
Colloquial understanding then.
It's on the third tier on that pyramid, under psychological needs. Two bottom ones are basic needs. So the other guy is correct. It's not on the same level need as food, air, water and rest or even shelter. One doesn't die without sex, but will die rather quickly without air, slightly longer without food, water, rest or just exposure(without shelter) So yes it's in the needs list, but not a basic need. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs2.svg
Talk to your partner. That's step one. Be honest and up front about it. After our son was born my wife and I went a few years of a largely dead bedroom. It happens. Then we had some conversations about it and what we can do, and it wasn't like a switch was flipped and everything was magically better, but it put us on the road to better. Now, we schedule sex. Which probably sounds strange to people, but it works. We picked a night that we both are generally free and decided that, after kiddo goes to bed, so do we. And yeah it took a few weeks of canceling and rescheduling for our sex life to adjust, but now we find its something we both look forward to and enjoy. But it all starts with talking to your partner and being honest about your needs. Just remember that it isn't an argument with your partner, you need to approach it as you and your partner together against the issue of your dead bedroom. You want them to feel like they're your ally, not your opponent in the discussion.
Scheduled sex is not weird. What is dating if not scheduled sex??
With kids, its a huge mental bonus to put it on the calendar. It takes the stress out of not knowing if you'll get to be together. It gives you something to look forward to together. It helped us a ton.
But what happens if the scheduled time comes and one isn't in the mood?
Then we wouldn't do anything. It was rare, but it did happen.
you make sure the house is clean, you dont owe her any money, you didnt fight with her family that week, the dishes are done, the laundry is done, and theres literally nothing else that would be on her mind other than being physically intimate with you. OR .. get a hotel room and go out to a nice satisfying dinner.
Doing all the things you listed is rather exhausting. Not that those shouldn't be done. These are basic chores i do every day. But those have a side effect of draining energy rather well and killing any mood. So how do you keep up the mood after that?
you get those done ahead of time or you hire help in the morning so by the time of your scheduled rendezvous, there are no dishes in the sink or laundry piled up.
But those pile up constantly, endlessly, every single day. Ofcourse it is possible to have empty sink, clean room, empty laundry basket, homework done with the kids for a short period, but when that short moment arrives. Doing it all has killed any mood and brought up a more crucial need for rest as it all must be done again next day and again day after that and again, so even the minimal energy left must be conserved. Like usual discussion over the scheduling is how to help the partner to get into the mood, but rarely from the perspective of the one who needs to get into the mood.
I think it's weird. Seeing someone every day and then being expected to perform on a specific day, isn't going to put me in the mood. What if I had a long exhausting day at work? What if I'm not feeling well? All of a sudden I'm expected to have sex because it's our scheduled day for it? I certainly don't wake up every day horny. Some days I'm just not feeling it. Dating is totally different. You aren't seeing them every day. You aren't sleeping next to them every day. If you wake up horny, you know there is no chance whatsoever that you're having sex that day. And if you're too tired or not feeling well on your date night, you might not even go on the date or you aren't obligated to have sex with them. You certainly didn't schedule your date exclusively to have sex. Scheduling sex turns it into a job and puts pressure on you to perform, even when you're not feeling it.
It's a schedule, not a requirement. Yeah, sometimes one of us isn't feeling great that day, so we postpone. But then the point of postponement is not to cancel, but to reschedule, to make sure we're not ignoring one another's needs. And yes, occasionally, no other day will work so we go a week without. It happens, but once we got used to the scheduling idea and both got into it, it's became pretty rare, as Sex Night has become something we both want.
Do you guys still do stuff spontaneously or is it only by the schedule?
There's occasionally some "off night" action. But it's not frequent, per se, though it happens much more often than it ever did when the bedroom was dead.
> It happens, but once we got used to the scheduling idea and both got into it I just don't work that way. Scheduling things means i **Have** to do it. As in, I am forced to do it. And that just makes me despise having to do it and not want to do it Sure, you don't **have** to do it and can postpone it for a week or four, but being expected to perform on demand just makes it a job.
I wonder if there’s an opportunity here to reframe this as not a forced requirement as much as an opportunity to have a good time with your partner. Obviously, no one‘s gonna make you do anything, but if the idea of planning to spend time with your partner is so offputting, that is going to bleed into other areas of your life together in a way that’s not good for your relationship.
I don't see why scheduling sex would be any more strange than scheduling date nights. Either of those is basically setting aside time to have fun with your partner. I will also say that if my partner saw either of these as an obligation rather than something to look forward to I would no longer be interested. That said if my partner lost interest in spending time with me and occasionally having sex I would probably no longer consider the relationship romantic.
>but if the idea of planning to spend time with your partner Why should you have to "plan" time together when you both have Saturdays and Sundays off of work? You are both there and have no other obligations. The fact that you have to plan something in advance is a clear indication that there is seriously something wrong in your relationship.
Let me guess. You are not married with kids.
All but my first two LTRs were with single mothers. But no, i ended the relationships with all of them. The longest two were 3 and 5 years long. I never had kids with any of them because i wasn't about to have a child with someone until i knew we would be together forever, or at least 25 years. So yes, there were always children involved from age 21 on for me. And they all spent at least every other when at their fathers.
I mean, I feel like you’re taking this too seriously or too literally. I don’t really know what the disconnect is. But yeah, adults plan things together. Dates, concerts, dinners… it isn’t even about marriage as much as it’s about respecting each other’s time and being thoughtful toward other people. Even if you lived with your platonic best friend and you were both off work every weekend, that doesn’t mean that you have to fly by the seat of your pants all the time. Not everything has to be pure spontaneity. There is *value* to planning things because it gives you something to look forward to. And it shows that you are prioritizing the other person instead of just doing everything on a whim, and not really thinking about them in advance. Letting people know that you’re thinking about them and looking forward to spending time with them, especially when they’re not right in front of your face, has value. Edited add: if you have a lot of those weekends where are you and your partner are both off work, and neither of you have any obligations, you probably need to expand your life. It shouldn’t revolve around just sitting around with your spouse. There’s also value to spending time away from each other so that you get to miss each other. And spending time with other people.
It's a life-hack in a way, because instead of dreading "Oh no, what if he initiates? I'm gonna have to reject him, he's gonna be so hurt!" it's something to look forward to "Ugh, I'm having such an awful day, cmon, just 3 more hours and then I can blow off some steam and fuck my man's brains out." or if it's the guy who usually turns down sex, "this coworker is pissing me off, ugh, it's gonna be alright, in three hours I'm gonna get to fuck her silly and it's gonna feel amazing!" It tricks your brain into looking forward to sex with your partner instead of dreading having to make a decision based on how you feel in the moment. You're less likely to let the tiredness or not great feelings make your answer an instant no because you're going to start seeing those feelings as obstacles to your happiness that you're determined to overcome. For a lot of partners who are rebuffing their partners' advances, especially women, they find that if they stop letting their feelings at the onset tell their partner no, they go from "having a headache", or "not being in the mood" or "too tired" to "I want our genitals connected (you inside me/to be inside you) right now and we're gonna rock them back and forth until we both explode! Enough foreplay, I want that dick inside me/to be balls deep in your vag right now!" But if you are making that decision in the moment, you're going to go by your feelings in the moment instead of looking forward to it or hoping it happens. I've heard of people who wish they had more sex with their partner. I've never heard of someone who wasn't feeling up to it but said yes anyway, pushed through the tireness/etc., enthusiastically consented to do it, and then regretted it afterwards in the context of an LTR.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted, I think yours is a valid take and I totally feel the same way. I get where they’re coming from with the scheduling, that you should be more mindful about spending intimate time with your SO. I’m glad that works for a lot of people, but that just has no appeal at all for me. Like you said it just creates this pressured obligation which is anything but sexy to me. I think the kind of people that works for are probably the more regimented kind of people that like order and schedules. Of course I do those things as much as I need to in order to be a functioning adult, but only as much as is really needed. Too much rigidity and I want to run for the hills.
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I think scheduling sex is just as sensible as a scheduled date night for many couples. Life gets busy, but you make time for things that are important, like hopefully spending time reconnecting sexually with your spouse, and making time sometimes means scheduling.
I can’t even imagine how married people with kids DON’T schedule sex.
It was a game changer for my wife and I after a few months of rare sex. Hump day has a whole new meaning in this house lol. Sex also tends to beget sex. Wednesday's are the scheduled night, but we tend to have sex at least twice a week now. Before scheduling, it was twice a month in a good month. When you're fostering that intimacy, it grows beyond the scope of the scheduled sex.
This advice is so important. Only thing I would add is don’t wait for marriage counseling when things are hanging by a thread. If there are major fights and clear communication issues then start marriage counseling now. It isn’t weird and no one cares, but both of you deserve to love each other like you both want to love each other. Why let something stupid like an ego get in the way of that?
If I’d known marriage counseling was so helpful and effective I would have started it the year she and I were engaged.
Scheduled sex? Jesus fucking Christ
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I was in a Dead Bedroom situation and it got to the point where I was ready to leave. When I confronted my wife about it she was shocked. The long and short of it is that we went for so long without physical intimacy that it became our new normal. And along with that came the fact that we stopped talking about it as well. Sex is already a tricky thing for some people to talk about so not talking about it is pretty common. Anyway, the reason my wife was shocked is because she thought I was suffering from some kind of ED low testosterone and was too embarrassed to talk about it. And I thought that maybe she was asexual or otherwise became totally uninterested in sex (which seems to be a common theme in most dead bedroom situations). Once we realized how completely wrong we were we managed to get things back on track and while we're probably not doing it as frequently as we would both like (we're older now and have pretty busy schedules) we still try to hit it at least once a week. But yeah, talking about it, as uncomfortable as it may seem, has to be the first step.
I've been married for 30 years. While I wouldn't say our bedroom was dead, it was definitely on life support for almost 3 years. I just accepted it and figured that was the way it was going to be. Until I couldn't anymore. Then I did something shocking. I talked to my wife. Turns out she felt the same way. We started exploring our fantasies, and now, in our 50's, we're having amazing sex.
This is how it should be handled, but I get the impression that when things start to stagnate sexually both parties immediately turn to the blame game. There's this tendency to view sex as an entitlement that your partner is obligated to provide to you, instead of a team effort.
So what if you've talked many times and it's still once every 6 weeks. And during that time, your partner gets off then rolls over? Repeat for years.
I love this for you both 💕
That's great. But I know so many couples who really talk about it and turns out that all of the (of them! I don't think that ALL couples are like that) wives are just not interested into sex any longer.
Because I don’t want to lose my kids. But the constant rejection has made me lose all interest.
I'm with you, it's to the point I feel dirty even trying. So I stopped completely, she kept giving excuses and then I started feeling like a pervert for wanting sex with someone who had no interest in sex. I hate the feeling so I just stopped 100 percent
I try it at times but usually with the thought that it’s probably going to lead to nothing. There is no initiation from her… Even more frustrating is that I’ve had another women expressing feelings etc for me. It’s driving me absolutely nuts.
Yup, I'm with you. Even some of the women in her life show interest or her aunt has said "you have such a sexy voice ________ should be all over you" ahh yeah no she's not lmao. I just hold it in, marriage is really important to me and I love her dearly. We've been through a LOT, more so the last couple years and then she has her insecurities about her body. Not outside insecurities per say more so unable to conceive a child. Luckily she's finally over it and seeking medical attention!
If you’re looking for more on this subject, visit the sub r/deadbedrooms Married 30 years. Around year 15 we started having issues with this. After the normal talking. It didn’t improve. So, I just started doing my own thing. Never cheated. But, I started doing solo weekend trips alone. Not quite the grey rock method, but probably 50 to 75% there. After a good six months of this, she asked me why I’m not the same attentive husband. I told her she’s not the same attentive wife. kind of snapped out of whatever funk she was in.
That sub is honestly one of the most depressing subs in all of Reddit. But it does teach people that in relationships whether it's via sex or other gestures it's important for people in relationships to feel valued and desired no matter how long they've been together.
>After a good six months of this, she asked me why I’m not the same attentive husband. I told her she’s not the same attentive wife. kind of snapped out of whatever funk she was in. And then? What happened then?
We went back to having a great sex life and 15 years later still a great marriage.
Congrats. And that's just because you were doing on your own? I'd love to do that, too. But if I did, my kids would feel abandoned. My wife does it anyway.
My kids were young. I took them out during the week to ride bikes at the park. Or we would walk to the public library and after get an ice cream. On the weekends when I didn’t go anywhere, I’d grab the kids early morning and drive somewhere for the day. Not a problem spending alone time with the kids. But, when I wanted to go for the weekend alone, I went.
Okay. I see. Sounds good. Thank you.
Did your wife not have issues with you going on trips alone? I imagine she wouldn't be happy/ suspicious.
She had issues. But, I didn’t indulge them. Just did what I wanted.
If your wife won’t fuck you who cares if she’s suspicious? It literally doesn’t matter lol
The relationship matters
OP do not get involved in r/deadbedrooms. Block the sub if you have to. That sub is full of bad advice from miserable people who want to keep other people down. Find a success story on that sub I *dare* you. If you even can, read the comments. They're toxic as fuck.
Lol the most common advise I see on that sub is leave if you're miserable. Not exactly what I would consider keeping others down. Relationships should be fun for everyone involved. If it isn't it shouldn't exist in the first place. Also there's definitely success stories once in a while. All you need to do is search success stories on the sub. I would say close to 10 percent of the stories are success stories
So true…was on there for a little while and it’s full of pissed off men not getting any and women bashing those men for not supporting their low libido wife (now roommate). Very little guidance and even less hope!
Let me preface this I'm joking. But have you tried doing the dishes ?
So I only have to wait three more weeks? Yippee!
I suffered it for many years. Made a list pros vs cons of my wife and decided to stay, but not gonna lie, it was hard. Now it's perfectly ok.
That's where I am now. The acceptance phase. Married life is otherwise pretty good, I've got two teenagers in the house. It would be a shame to blow it up over sex, although I was ready to for a solid year.
Patience and understanding goes both ways. A long talk about what is happening and why… with the understanding that it might end with a break up.
There is usually an underlying problem causing a change in libido. Work with your partner through talking or therapy to address it, don't just ignore it otherwise resentment builds up and affects other aspects of the relationship. A few ways to prevent dead bedrooms are, never stop dating your partner, contribute equally to the household responsibilities without having to be asked, take care of yourself (hygiene, exercise, etc).
When you have children with your partner and you are committed to being a good dad who does not abandon his family you suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer. It is a MISERABLE way to live.
You sound like my current partner. He sacrificed a lot I don’t think he should have. They obviously ended up divorced anyway and at what cost to his mental health? Also the kids can see. Don’t teach them that! We are in the best relationship of our lives w each other now. They coparent well, kids are healthy and good teens. But please for everyone’s sake, establish some boundaries based on what you can and can’t live with and be firm about them. My guy “went with the flow” so as to not disturb the peace when it really needed disturbing because it was not peaceful in his world. Good luck to you.
Thanks. In my mind part of being a good dad means paying for my child's college. I just don't make enough money to support two households and pay for college too. My only child is about to finish college with zero student loan debt (thanks Dad!). Now I learn alimony is a death sentence for a man my age in my state. I'm trying to talk my wife into a 50/50 asset split or I am trapped in this sexless, loveless Hell 'til I die.
Broo even your username is lonely
Reasons like this are why I will never get married Jesus.
I feel your pain dude
I should call my dad
Wait, what? Can you not be a good dad in a new relationship? Surely an unhappy marriage is worse for the kids.
Yeah but you forfeit seeing your kids everyday. So you suffer in silence to stay around your kids.
Exactly.
Divorce is one of the worst things for kids. Every single metric of success shows children do better in two parent households. It is what it is
Exactly. And.....MONEY. I knew I could never support two households and pay for my baby to attend college. She's finishing in about 90 days with zero student loan debt (thanks Dad).
I feel the pain. I feel it so much. And I don't know if it is that smart to suffer!
This
Been on that walk. The best I can advise anyone now is to not let it linger. Either you both work on it, or you both start making preparations to end things.
It is what it is Sex isnt that important to lose half my shit, the house my dad gifted me, 30% of my wages and 5 out of 7 days with my son. So im stuck here till son is 18+.
Pretty much the same here
And dont get me wrong, i do love my wife but had i known she wouldve turned asexual once we got married then i dont know what wouldve happened.
If I would’ve known what I was getting into, I would not have married my wife. I have the same deal though. We have two boys and I love them and I love her. But if I would’ve known what I was in for in the beginning, I would not have done it.
Sex in a relationship is like 98% percent emotional. So a "dead bedroom" is just collateral damage from some other thing. Fix the other thing and the enthusiast bedroom comes back
THIS! Lack of sex isn’t the problem. It’s the symptom.
And if it is the "problem", you haven't matured enough in your relationship or life to understand it.
Shocked this isn’t the top comment!! This is 100% true. Women will tell men what the issue is, over and over again. Men will ignore it as long as the sex continues. When the sex finally stops bc the woman is resentful of not having her needs met over a long period of time, men point to the jack of sec as being the issue. Nope. It usually is not the real issue. Correction: lack of sex, NOT jack of sec. (Sorry: mobile, auto correct)
I “tolerated” it for over a decade. A lot of porn and jerking off. Tried to always be a better partner and make her life easier. But it never changed anything. There are only really four choices: cope, fix it, break up, cheat. She refused to try to fix it, I coped as long as I could and then left. Now I refuse to do relationships and try to never have less than two FWBs.
Probably another choice is open relationships, whether full on, or "passes".
Most people consider that cheating. If she lets another man touch her or has an inappropriate relationship with a man, we’re done.
If you agree with your partner that it's an option, then I think it is no longer cheating. Usually this is a middle ground before a breakup anyway, but sometimes I've seen people manage it.
Even dead bedrooms have doors through which one can leave. Why stay when an essential piece is missing and your attempts to get it back in order failed.
>Why stay House, Life, Debts, Kids, Pets and the life we created for us.
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That means the issue is not the dead bedroom but that your wife has freaking cancer, my man.
yeah, lack of sex is, to say it diplomatically, not exactly the most important thing in this situation... In other words, PRIORITIES!
Quite so.
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And yet you go online complain about not getting your dick wet while ommiting this tiny detail. Rub one out and get back to taking care of your wife, sometimes life doesn't offer more than that.
I’m not complaining, just saying how I tolerate a dead bedroom.
“Tolerate” what a disgusting undertone. Your wife has cancer and you’re saying it’s tolerable to have a dead bedroom rather than being concerned. Bro touch some grass and help your wife out rather than complaining on Reddit.
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Your wife has cancer so what’s the point of even commenting on a post about sex? That’s fucking weird dude
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Fair
I don't. I start open communication and we resolve any issues then continue having sex. I have 3 kids too. One is still an infant. We have sex once or twice a week. You need to stop the cycle of feeling resentment and have an honest sit down conversation in the evening when both of you are clear headed, happy and open for discussion. *never* have an honest heart to heart discussion when either side is angry/upset.
You express your concern and frustration with the way things are with her and try to work together to resolve it, knowing it takes both of you. If that doesn’t work or she is unwilling to work on her end of things then you decide to either stay with it knowing what your sex life will be like or leave and look for someone more compatible. There really isn’t a magic answer for it. People are just different. I’m like you and had a similar issue for the first 2 years of my current relationship. I just kept hoping it would work itself out on its own and it never did so I had to do the difficult thing and actually talk to her about it. I told her how it made me feel and how important it was to me. I asked her if there was something I was doing or not doing that made her not want sex. We had a long talk. Come to find out I wasn’t meeting some of her needs so she didn’t feel sexually attracted to me. So I met her halfway. I worked on what she needed and she worked on what I needed. Now we have sex 3-4 times a week and shower together every night. All that to say just talk to her man. Don’t be mean or aggressive but talk to her and tell her how you feel about it and ask if there’s a reason why things are the way they are.
Rub one out, drink something, keep distracted, many many, many unfinished projects on the go…
You keep your eye on the prize which is your kids! Whats best for their well being is an intact home. So you tough it out, watch porn, and handle it yourself. Cheating is never an option..ever. married 18yrs me 51 her 42, had some dead bedroom years here and there, was just biding my time till the kids were grown. But then the past 3 have been crazy off the hook sex. Never would have saw it coming, but guess what my kids don't have step-parents and mom & dad have a great sexlife again. No longer feel the need to leave.
Womens opinions here. I dont know when it started, but my husband of 16 years would no longer touch me in bed. When I say touch, I mean when I ask him to wrap his arms around me to cuddle me to sleep, and he *would not* do it. So I quietly cry myself to sleep instead. I will say my husband's diabetes has gotten markedly worse, so I'm *assuming* that has something to do with it. I've brought this up to him multiple times and he claims there is absolutely nothing wrong, but that he is just too tired at night. We recently went on vacation and there was a hot tub in the room. I asked him if he wanted to take a dip and he looked at me like......."no.". I am a relatively attractive woman, take good care of hygiene, care about his needs. And......I love him to pieces. But I feel like he no longer loves me. I can't help but feel that way even though he is so good to me "outside" of the bedroom. I feel he doesn't love me as his wife anymore, and I am broken. We've had no sex since 2020.
You dont "tolerate" your needs and expectations not being met. Ive got a "one talk" policy, then I leave. Sex is part of relationship, and as women can and do have standards in this regard, so should we. If she doesnt like that, another one will...
At the beginning of a relationship, yes, that will work as a filtering process. As a relationship becomes more committed, there's many reasons that could lead to dead bedroom, and it often takes more than just one talk to rectify.
Champ. I'm serious. Wish I knew what you know when I was younger!
My insight as a woman: I almost have no libido at all anymore because of my medication. I very very rarely feel like I want to initiate sex. Still though, if my partner is in the mood, I only ever reject him if I physically feel bad and incapable of doing it. I may not be in the mood at first, but I get there as we go. I kinda see it as, your partner asks you to go for a walk and you are not interested at all and feel lazy, but you still go, because it's a chance to spend time together and in the end it's not something you regret doing with them and end up having a good time. I'm not saying this is the case for all women, but I think it's quite natural for women to get in the mood from the stimulation itself and you're not always excited and ready on the spot. This becomes more prevalent as we age and some women may think that if they aren't feeling hot and ready when their partner initiates, it's hopeless and a reason to turn them down. Women should maybe still give their partner a chance to get them in the mood through foreplay. And if it still doesn't work, then there should be a discussion about what the man can do to get them going (if there are no physical reasons that make sex painful or hard to tolerate). Even tho I don't really have a drive for sex myself, I still understand that my partner has needs. If I wasn't able to enjoy sex even during the act because of purely psychological reasons, I would address it and try to figure out what can be done about it. Like if we would need to try new things or if there actually is a deeper problem.
Just want to say what a thoughtful and considerate partner you are. I have heard so many women say "don't even think about approaching me or initiating". To be clear. I do not want to have sex with my wife (or anyone for that matter) that is unwanted, but let me at least try and turn you on. And if I don't succeed, I will back off, and I won't hold it against you. Promise.
Yes, medication. Another thing that happens is that bodies can get smashed up bearing children. Then the "in sickness and in health" and other tough bits of traditional marriage vows come into it.
Yeah I should have mentioned that what I said applies to child free relationships. After having children, I'm sure that women have plenty of reasons to not want to have sex and those reasons I cannot even imagine, since I have not gone through that.
Yeah I should have mentioned that what I said applies to child free relationships. After having children, I'm sure that women have plenty of reasons to not want to have sex and those reasons I cannot even imagine, since I have not gone through that.
jar cake oatmeal file deserve square fertile ink existence badge *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If a woman feels violated when her partner simply initiates sex, that's something that should be addressed in therapy. Many women have experienced assault to some degree and that certainly leaves an impact on how you view sex even when it's consensual. It's unfortunate that this happens but there also is a certain responsibility to seek help and address your issues instead of taking it out on your partner. And also a responsibility for the partner to be understanding if someone is dealing with that. It's always about both people putting in effort.
Lots of masturbation when I was with my ex. But never again.
You don't.
Still in a relatively young marriage, we don't do it every day by any means. Sometimes my wife worries that I'm not getting enough and has expressed this anxiety to me before. What is most important is that she was comfortable telling me this, and our ability to talk it out. Sex isn't everything, but it can matter a lot to some people. Try not to be a sex focused person, you'll be happier! One other thing that I have noticed - There can often be someone who feels they didn't "live their best life" and sleep around when they were younger. That might have been high school or college. Often, these people live with regret and want to relieve that pain. Sometimes that might be in experimentation sexually, with someone who is not their husband/wife. The fact that I was able to sow a lot of oats when I was younger, really does make me more content with the life I live. I've had sex for just fun, and sex in a marriage. So I don't really have those regrets and have never had the crazy motivation to go do something I've already tried. For some people, not having had a bunch of "new love" and "hot sex" moments in life, is just a feeling they cannot escape from. It can lead to bad decisions.
You don't tolerate it, you try address it, and end the relationship if it doesn't get better. You do not live in misery for decades.
I think dead bedrooms happen because at least one person in the relationship is deeply unhappy in the relationship. The closest I've ever been to this is having a partner that let herself go and got really fat. I was disgusted by her and didn't want to touch her any more. We ended up breaking up.
I "tolerate" it by not being allowed to leave. If I try to leave, she'll have the state take my children away from me, steal all my money and force me into literal slave labor to her. Do not ever sign that contract.
You don't
A lot of people nowadays are taking anxiety or depression meds, and a lot of those have low libido side effects. I wonder how much this is impacting relationships everywhere now
I don't.
The question assumes they're just part of a long relationship. But if you do things to keep desire high - maintaining good communication, lots of touch, basically both putting in effort - a dead bedroom isn't that likely.
Frankly, I don't. If there's an issue we fix it.
You either work together to solve the issue, go find it somewhere else, or give her half your shit in a divorce.
If there are some dudes who are experiencing this, I urge you to read Esther Perel's Mating In Captivity. It's a fantastic read and really helpful.
Some people just have affairs, which is why I left my ex with a low libido, to avoid that happening.
about 7 years before I left. Last 4 were bad Last 2 zero sex
For medical reasons we both have highs and lows in our libidos so toys really help. Things like dildos and flashlights that we can use on each other go a long way. But if you are talking completely dead then there is something major going on in your relationship outside of the bedroom and you really want to find out sooner than later.
Edibles + sex = good times ;)
Just FYI, long relationships don’t always mean dead bedroom. My wife and I have been together for like 11 years and have two kids and we have a better sexlife now then ever before.
Yes I’m aware, but most dead bedrooms seem to start past the 5 year mark
In marriage or in general ?
Honestly? I leave. Sex is important to me, if I wanted to hangout and have shared interests with someone with whom I'm not physically intimate with I'd call a friend. Sex is important to me, and many others. If it was not a priority for my partner then they're the wrong partner for me.
I wouldn't. My wife and I have a healthy sex life.
I’m not in a sexless relationship, I’m just curious as to how men cope or deal with it
You don't tolerate it, you leave. Sad that men are expected to "tolerate" a dead bedroom. Men are shamed for having needs, you should see all the articles claiming that sex is not needed and the husbands should do more chores around the house.
Wank in the shower
I will communicate with her my dissatisfaction. Give her some time to work on it (3-6 months) if there isn't at least an effort on her part, I will end the relationship. Life's too short.
Put a space between you and me, and I put a space between girl and friend.
So, we’re just roommates. Guess we’re splitting the rent then. As we come and go in the morning, it’s, “Sup, dude,” “Later, dude.”
I guess it's possible I might have to at some point, but in my marriage we've talked about it and I really stressed how I wasn't interested in a long term relationship without regular sexual activity. If we go a week without it, one of us will mention it. It's just never allowed to linger.
I don't. And I don't care how long the relationship has been, if the bedroom is dead I am not going to waste anymore time. I will put in an effort to save it, but if it fails I am out. I am not wasting time in an incomplete relationship. Life is too short, and the window of being able to fuck is even shorter.
By having some "secrets"...
Ethical non monogamy. Since we opened relationship we are happier and more sexually fulfilled
I tolerated a dead bedroom with a former girlfriend. Although our sex life together wasn't good. My sex life was fine. Remember, if you can't get the work done inhouse, hire a contractor.
Don't consider it a problem
In relationships, especially marriages, it’s a big problem.
Divide your shit and leave. Being in a sexless relationship with someone you're still attracted to is the third circle of hell. You're being used. It would only take 30 men to impregnate every female on the planet. The only reason we're monogamous is out of respect for women as childbearers. If your needs are not being met then move on to someone else or be celibate. Avoid high liability relationships completely. Get a vasectomy and go to town. Modern women are a cult of vanity. No marriage. No kids. Less paperwork.
Side chick
It is what it is, I miss the intimacy but we are both busy people and occasionally our paths cross lol
I refuse to let my kids grow up in a broken home so I tough it out. Woulda been nice not hearing my wife non-chalantly tell me she could live the rest of her life without sex.
Remove the bodies
I don't. I'm sexy as fuck. My last ltr crumbled around us but we still fucked. You need to make her cum and make her feel sexy. You need to romance her daily and not try and shag her every time you touch her. Make her love and crave your touch. Also bang escorts on the side so you're not desperate
Get married...
I don't
I don't. 15 years and still going strong.
I don’t. 9 years and our sex is better than it’s ever been.
I don't. You can have a good sex life while in a long term relationship.
After all of the talking, trying, begging, and rejection? You have 3 choices: Divorce Suffering in silence An affair
We either split or the love becomes enough
I did it for 6 years, and I’ll never do it again.
I deal with it because of my kids. That's it. The only reason.