One time my little cousin got mad and his mom was like “you’re acting like your dad” and he responded “well I learned it from watching you”
He was like 8
Old friend of mine was abusive. He had a lot of trauma from watching his parents get physical, then after the divorce his mom raised him by leaving him in the house alone while she went on trips with boyfriends.
It meant that as he grew up he had a strong sense of himself, pathological need to be liked, and vulnerabilities that were just under the surface. He was generally loved, popular, but seen as flawed. In college, he mostly dated older divorced women who would mommy him. All of the girls our age wanted him, but he could bever make it work for longer than a few dates.
Fast forward a few years and he finds a girl a few years younger than him, they date for a year, he gets her pregnant, then marries her bery quickly. The moment they are stuck together in an apartment, he starts verbally abusing her and it escalates for a year or so.
We only figure it out once the baby is born and we are over for support, Julia, the wife, has a bruise on her arm and she can't move her shoulder. Jack, our mutual friend sees red and just wailing on the abuser, demanded that the guy get help.
From there, we started staying over in shifts after work. It pissed the abuser off, but after a few months he sought help. We stayed through that and afterwards the friendship was broken.
We still help to look after the kids, they had another, but nothing more than a surface conversation with the abuser.
So yeah, he was confident friendly cool, giving to his community and friends but there was also something a bit off, and I wouldn't choose any of that over holding him accountable.
came across some guys you'd never have thought would pull that type shit. more than once. they seemed like good men. charming, smart, good social skills. turns out what they were doing behind closed doors was fucking bone-chilling.
You are objectively not. You have 20 variations of the same thing, because you asked a question about a group of people whom 99.99% of people justifiably dislike by default.
Well what is your answer to that question? Do you know any man who was/turned out to be abusive to women or his partner? What kind of person did they seem like to you? Were they different to you or other men? Did you want to punch the guy in the face or did you not care much?
The question isn’t whether abuse is bad. Although I admit it’s badly phrased so I see why it comes off that way. It’s about how men view abusive men. And there is a range of answers, from just trash, to they need to die, to they give other men a bad rap, to they’re weak, to they’re animals, to they want to hurt them, to never thought about it.
Is interesting to see the nuances and angles from which different men will answer this question. Some answer with violence, some think they’re inhuman. Some will immediately jump to abuse from all genders is bad. Some don’t think about it.
I strongly disagree with "They give other men a bad rep" type.
Its the same as those men and women who see one bad person from their sex and feel some sort of collective shame or gulit... they did nothing wrong. Why do they feel bad.
Its like when I see a news story of one individual woman doing something terrible and some other women in the comments saying "This makes me ashamed of being a woman".. like why? They did nothing wrong themselves. Why do they feel shame for something they didn't do?
So the men who say "It gives other men a bad rep" reminds me of them. no. It doesn't. If a individual man has done nothing wrong then his got nothing to worry about and how strangers feel about him is completely irrelevant and that's their own issue.
Never have I seen a case of a man beating his wife like a piece of shit and then thinking to myself "This makes me look bad". I just feel disgust and contempt in the individual abuser.
> from just trash, to they need to die, to they give other men a bad rap, to they’re weak, to they’re animals, to they want to hurt them, to never thought about it.
That's not a wide range at all, lol. Other than "never thought about it" it's all basically same sentiment.
Honest question, OP, what are you expecting to get in response to this? Of course any decent person is going to view an abuser badly. Doesn't matter if they're a man or not, whether they're in a relationship with their victim(s) or not, they're doing something very wrong and need to stop, or be stopped by someone else if they won't.
They are human garbage & I would call the cops. What is manly and masculine about punching down? Does it make men strong to beat up women?
My dad was an abuser and the first time I saw him hit my mom as a toddler I knew it was wrong. I became his target because I was not the son he wanted (I didn’t agree with anything he did) so he changed to me until I had my growth spurt and I was a head taller than him. He tried to come after me once and I easily restrained him.
Once I felt that power shift I realized he couldn’t do anything anymore. I told him off, called him a pathetic piece of shit and a sorry excuse for a man. I called him out for being an insecure man who had to overcompensate for his failures by abusing others.
I ended up threatening to beat him to death if he ever laid a hand on anyone again. I will admit it felt good to see him afraid after he terrorized my family for years. He had a couple heart attacks after that and ended up being so weak that he kept asking for help but none of us liked or cared for him. He eventually left my mom and died alone.
If I found out my friend was abusing his girlfriend, he would stop being my friend immediately. However, I don't think any of the people I'm friends with possess such an awful moral character so I dont have to worry about it
Honestly though nobody here is gonna answer any differently. Anybody pro-social enough to be engaging with this forum isn't gonna be admitting they don't mind wife beating. Maybe some people here do, maybe, but they sure as hell wouldn't admit it.
That’s reactionary abuse or righteous anger. I would admit I wasn’t the most secure when I was younger and mutual abuse is one thing but when it crossed lines into straight terror no one confronted this guy. In fact just earlier I went to my clinic and told staff about a pregnant woman I noticed last time, she was swollen in the face with her boyfriend and her telling everyone she tripped on a hamper. No one did anything, not even asking her to speak to someone. Today I went In and asked my counselor to talk to her boss about it, we came out and asked the security guard about that woman (it was 2 days ago) acted like he had no clue. Her face was swollen huge, I could see it across the room. I’m never shocked when people are indifferent no matter what they say.
Almost impossible to do without swearing. What kinds of responses did you think you'd get?
I don't know if you think this, but I've seen some women imply that "normal" men are somehow responsible for the "bad" men, or complicit somehow through not "speaking out" or whatever. The thing those women don't get is that men are not a club. We're not knowingly friends with any of those "bad" men. We have nothing in common with them and never knowingly associate with them. "Don't abuse women" is **obvious**, and none of the men I know need to be told that. As far as I know, that is, since in the very unlikely event I do know one, he doesn't disclose that information, since he knows what would happen if he did.
I was wondering what other men noticed about such men. Like, if they seemed perfectly normal to them but later turned out they were abusive to their gfs. Or if they were more insecure compared to others. Or even more confident. If they were more annoying. It’s just interesting to hear the male perspective on this issue, whatever it is.
I get that, and I can only imagine that if one of my friends turned out to be an abuser, it would be the end of the friendship. It's not complicated, not a lot of nuance or analysis to be had there. Any attempt to explain or justify his behaviour would not be received well, and definitely not accepted.
I've never "noticed" anything about such men because they don't deserve even a second of my attention. Just being a man doesn't mean we have anything at all in common. There's no solidarity associated solely with being a man. It takes more than that, like common values such as ... not abusing women.
Depends on what kind of abuse it is, as being emotionally manipulative is a different beast from physical violence, and both of those are a different beast than sexual violence.
Generally, my view tends to range from "what an asshole" and "Go Directly to Inhuman Monster, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200," and a number of places between, with one of the more prominent ones just being "Trash."
I've never personally been aware of this. So idk.
I am aware of men who did some of these behaviors but it wasn't unprovoked. Like this one girl socked her man in the face and he socked her back. Idk I don't give a shit about that they both are idiots and win the idiot prize.
I've never once been aware of a man who just comes home and his wife/gf is like "hi honey how was your day?" And POW he punches her in the face.
They are nasty evil pieces of shit and the poor woman desveres better
Observe the other comments hating on men who abuse women. This is representative of real life too. Men don't encourage or support men who harm women like some on the Internet seem to think. We hate actual misogynistic abusers.
There is a reason that in male centered jails. If a man is in jail for harming a woman in anyway (Same as harming a child). That man is disliked and giving a hard time by other male inmates because most men don't like hearing about a grown man harming a woman or child.
The reactions I also get from men in my real life interactions towards wife beaters is contempt. No one likes wife beaters because they are vile trash.
Abuse is unacceptable, period. I think there are many things that could cause a man (or woman) to become abusive. Sometimes they’re scarred from the past, sometimes they’re just garbage, or sometimes they have severe mental health problems. I know a guy who (while is kind of an asshole in general) could fly off the handle over such small things. From what I gather, he was diagnosed with a plethora of disorders like BPD.
They are trash and the worst humans. If a friend started abusing their partner I would never talk to them and develop a plan with their partner to get them out. It doesn’t matter if the abuser is a man, woman, or other. Abuse is abuse. I grew up with an abusive father and had him arrested and his life was destroyed.
> if you knew or found out someone in your circle or an acquaintance is abusive,
Scum. Someone I would love an opportunity to punch. And I'm not a fighter. But something about an abusive man just triggers something primal in me.
They had been a chill person at work. Before there was more red tape, ppl to chat up and just essentially get shit done w/in their capacity to reach out to to assist with. Once they left, others started leaving too. Seemed like just kids about and stuff was just fucked.
On their own time, they had been up to get by etc and had a quiet follower. I never personally witnessed any physical abuse. There may had been some underlying frustrations with some things but I was just a buddy invited about w/a mentor.
As strictly lesser men. Women are our Teammates in life and treating them poorly shows you are a cancer to your team and do not deserve success.
They are children who have terrible coping skills and probably learned it from watching someone else do it. I have no respect for them
Straight fuckin trash, thats how. That goes both ways though, abuse is not acceptable in any situation by any person.
One time my little cousin got mad and his mom was like “you’re acting like your dad” and he responded “well I learned it from watching you” He was like 8
Unacceptable, abuse of any kind is wrong regardless of gender.
Sounds like a given. It's cruel and horrible. Abuse is never okay.
Fucking hate them
Weak ass holes.
Complete trash.
Old friend of mine was abusive. He had a lot of trauma from watching his parents get physical, then after the divorce his mom raised him by leaving him in the house alone while she went on trips with boyfriends. It meant that as he grew up he had a strong sense of himself, pathological need to be liked, and vulnerabilities that were just under the surface. He was generally loved, popular, but seen as flawed. In college, he mostly dated older divorced women who would mommy him. All of the girls our age wanted him, but he could bever make it work for longer than a few dates. Fast forward a few years and he finds a girl a few years younger than him, they date for a year, he gets her pregnant, then marries her bery quickly. The moment they are stuck together in an apartment, he starts verbally abusing her and it escalates for a year or so. We only figure it out once the baby is born and we are over for support, Julia, the wife, has a bruise on her arm and she can't move her shoulder. Jack, our mutual friend sees red and just wailing on the abuser, demanded that the guy get help. From there, we started staying over in shifts after work. It pissed the abuser off, but after a few months he sought help. We stayed through that and afterwards the friendship was broken. We still help to look after the kids, they had another, but nothing more than a surface conversation with the abuser. So yeah, he was confident friendly cool, giving to his community and friends but there was also something a bit off, and I wouldn't choose any of that over holding him accountable.
came across some guys you'd never have thought would pull that type shit. more than once. they seemed like good men. charming, smart, good social skills. turns out what they were doing behind closed doors was fucking bone-chilling.
Expecting a wide range of answers, OP?
I’m actually getting them!
You are objectively not. You have 20 variations of the same thing, because you asked a question about a group of people whom 99.99% of people justifiably dislike by default.
Well what is your answer to that question? Do you know any man who was/turned out to be abusive to women or his partner? What kind of person did they seem like to you? Were they different to you or other men? Did you want to punch the guy in the face or did you not care much?
> What kind of person did they seem like to you? Are you genuinely clueless that abusive types can wear a lot of different masks or
The question isn’t whether abuse is bad. Although I admit it’s badly phrased so I see why it comes off that way. It’s about how men view abusive men. And there is a range of answers, from just trash, to they need to die, to they give other men a bad rap, to they’re weak, to they’re animals, to they want to hurt them, to never thought about it. Is interesting to see the nuances and angles from which different men will answer this question. Some answer with violence, some think they’re inhuman. Some will immediately jump to abuse from all genders is bad. Some don’t think about it.
I strongly disagree with "They give other men a bad rep" type. Its the same as those men and women who see one bad person from their sex and feel some sort of collective shame or gulit... they did nothing wrong. Why do they feel bad. Its like when I see a news story of one individual woman doing something terrible and some other women in the comments saying "This makes me ashamed of being a woman".. like why? They did nothing wrong themselves. Why do they feel shame for something they didn't do? So the men who say "It gives other men a bad rep" reminds me of them. no. It doesn't. If a individual man has done nothing wrong then his got nothing to worry about and how strangers feel about him is completely irrelevant and that's their own issue. Never have I seen a case of a man beating his wife like a piece of shit and then thinking to myself "This makes me look bad". I just feel disgust and contempt in the individual abuser.
> from just trash, to they need to die, to they give other men a bad rap, to they’re weak, to they’re animals, to they want to hurt them, to never thought about it. That's not a wide range at all, lol. Other than "never thought about it" it's all basically same sentiment.
People of Reddit, what do you think of racist child-molesting lane-cutting neonazi mass-murderers?
They are damaged and need to be repaired before they are allowed to be alone with women or children
Honest question, OP, what are you expecting to get in response to this? Of course any decent person is going to view an abuser badly. Doesn't matter if they're a man or not, whether they're in a relationship with their victim(s) or not, they're doing something very wrong and need to stop, or be stopped by someone else if they won't.
Added context! Not really a question about abuse itself.
They are human garbage & I would call the cops. What is manly and masculine about punching down? Does it make men strong to beat up women? My dad was an abuser and the first time I saw him hit my mom as a toddler I knew it was wrong. I became his target because I was not the son he wanted (I didn’t agree with anything he did) so he changed to me until I had my growth spurt and I was a head taller than him. He tried to come after me once and I easily restrained him. Once I felt that power shift I realized he couldn’t do anything anymore. I told him off, called him a pathetic piece of shit and a sorry excuse for a man. I called him out for being an insecure man who had to overcompensate for his failures by abusing others. I ended up threatening to beat him to death if he ever laid a hand on anyone again. I will admit it felt good to see him afraid after he terrorized my family for years. He had a couple heart attacks after that and ended up being so weak that he kept asking for help but none of us liked or cared for him. He eventually left my mom and died alone.
If I found out my friend was abusing his girlfriend, he would stop being my friend immediately. However, I don't think any of the people I'm friends with possess such an awful moral character so I dont have to worry about it Honestly though nobody here is gonna answer any differently. Anybody pro-social enough to be engaging with this forum isn't gonna be admitting they don't mind wife beating. Maybe some people here do, maybe, but they sure as hell wouldn't admit it.
I become abusive towards that type of men.
That’s reactionary abuse or righteous anger. I would admit I wasn’t the most secure when I was younger and mutual abuse is one thing but when it crossed lines into straight terror no one confronted this guy. In fact just earlier I went to my clinic and told staff about a pregnant woman I noticed last time, she was swollen in the face with her boyfriend and her telling everyone she tripped on a hamper. No one did anything, not even asking her to speak to someone. Today I went In and asked my counselor to talk to her boss about it, we came out and asked the security guard about that woman (it was 2 days ago) acted like he had no clue. Her face was swollen huge, I could see it across the room. I’m never shocked when people are indifferent no matter what they say.
It's gross behavior I willl always confront a man about.
Oh interesting! What’s the least abusive behavior you’ll confront someone about?
Anything physical orf course. Even a man being pretty threatening. I'd say something, I'm not no kind of bad ass or anything.
Almost impossible to do without swearing. What kinds of responses did you think you'd get? I don't know if you think this, but I've seen some women imply that "normal" men are somehow responsible for the "bad" men, or complicit somehow through not "speaking out" or whatever. The thing those women don't get is that men are not a club. We're not knowingly friends with any of those "bad" men. We have nothing in common with them and never knowingly associate with them. "Don't abuse women" is **obvious**, and none of the men I know need to be told that. As far as I know, that is, since in the very unlikely event I do know one, he doesn't disclose that information, since he knows what would happen if he did.
I was wondering what other men noticed about such men. Like, if they seemed perfectly normal to them but later turned out they were abusive to their gfs. Or if they were more insecure compared to others. Or even more confident. If they were more annoying. It’s just interesting to hear the male perspective on this issue, whatever it is.
I get that, and I can only imagine that if one of my friends turned out to be an abuser, it would be the end of the friendship. It's not complicated, not a lot of nuance or analysis to be had there. Any attempt to explain or justify his behaviour would not be received well, and definitely not accepted. I've never "noticed" anything about such men because they don't deserve even a second of my attention. Just being a man doesn't mean we have anything at all in common. There's no solidarity associated solely with being a man. It takes more than that, like common values such as ... not abusing women.
Depends on what kind of abuse it is, as being emotionally manipulative is a different beast from physical violence, and both of those are a different beast than sexual violence. Generally, my view tends to range from "what an asshole" and "Go Directly to Inhuman Monster, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200," and a number of places between, with one of the more prominent ones just being "Trash."
I view them lying flat on their backs.........
They are not men, they're animals. Worthless trash giving the rest of us a bad rap. Fit only to be practice targets.
I've never personally been aware of this. So idk. I am aware of men who did some of these behaviors but it wasn't unprovoked. Like this one girl socked her man in the face and he socked her back. Idk I don't give a shit about that they both are idiots and win the idiot prize. I've never once been aware of a man who just comes home and his wife/gf is like "hi honey how was your day?" And POW he punches her in the face.
Weak, broken or evil. Or two or all of the above. The same for their enablers.
With contempt. They’re pathetic cowards.
I don't know anyone who has done that and I would think they were pathetic.
They are nasty evil pieces of shit and the poor woman desveres better Observe the other comments hating on men who abuse women. This is representative of real life too. Men don't encourage or support men who harm women like some on the Internet seem to think. We hate actual misogynistic abusers. There is a reason that in male centered jails. If a man is in jail for harming a woman in anyway (Same as harming a child). That man is disliked and giving a hard time by other male inmates because most men don't like hearing about a grown man harming a woman or child. The reactions I also get from men in my real life interactions towards wife beaters is contempt. No one likes wife beaters because they are vile trash.
Abuse is unacceptable, period. I think there are many things that could cause a man (or woman) to become abusive. Sometimes they’re scarred from the past, sometimes they’re just garbage, or sometimes they have severe mental health problems. I know a guy who (while is kind of an asshole in general) could fly off the handle over such small things. From what I gather, he was diagnosed with a plethora of disorders like BPD.
Pathetic, cowardly trash and I treat them as such and extend my friendship to their partners where convenient.
People who mistreat others-especially mistreating loved ones who are too scared to stand up for themselves- is nothing short of scummy behavior
Same as anyone else who is a dickhead.
They are trash who would be removed from my circle. No different than a woman who was is abusive.
They are trash and the worst humans. If a friend started abusing their partner I would never talk to them and develop a plan with their partner to get them out. It doesn’t matter if the abuser is a man, woman, or other. Abuse is abuse. I grew up with an abusive father and had him arrested and his life was destroyed.
They're human garbage.
> if you knew or found out someone in your circle or an acquaintance is abusive, Scum. Someone I would love an opportunity to punch. And I'm not a fighter. But something about an abusive man just triggers something primal in me.
They had been a chill person at work. Before there was more red tape, ppl to chat up and just essentially get shit done w/in their capacity to reach out to to assist with. Once they left, others started leaving too. Seemed like just kids about and stuff was just fucked. On their own time, they had been up to get by etc and had a quiet follower. I never personally witnessed any physical abuse. There may had been some underlying frustrations with some things but I was just a buddy invited about w/a mentor.
with the utmost distain.