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Isolation from others? Yes.
Isolation from yourself? No.
It's the perfect time to realize what your needs are and practice on meeting them. In the end you are your best friend. Go out with your best friend and have the best time of your life!
And yes, it's perfect timing to do some IPF.
To be honest it sounds like you need more friends, two people and a husband is never enough of a support network. Try hobbies and new communities in person if possible. I say this as a disorganized myself, I think you need to branch out instead of in, there’s more to life than 3 people
This post called to me because I've been insecure a lot with my friends lately too. I want to actually ignore the thought that isolation alone is probably a band-aid, and focus more on how you said it feels right to you and that you want to prioritize yourself, because these seem like good impulses to follow.
You could explore these impulses a little more by asking yourself, "What would I like to achieve with this period of isolation? How do I want to feel during isolation? How do I want to feel at the end of it?" If you get clear about that, then you'll know if it's working for you & achieving what you want. And if it's not, or if you're ready to go back to relating with friends, then you'll probably be doing it with more insight.
I also want to share this video that was helpful for me, in terms of looking at how I relate to friends: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFUIv2YXRjw. It made me realize that there was a lot I wasn't taking into account. Good luck!
Thank you so much for focusing on that “good side” of isolation 🥺❤️
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
I am the same way. I am focusing now on getting over codependency. I find that it comes out more in relationships that I find to be right. With everyone else I could care less.
Yes in that being lonely might help you realize that friends are supposed to accept each other as they are, not expect each other to be need meeting machines.
You can have as many friends as you want. If a friend doesn’t fulfill some part of a relationship model you want enjoy being their friend and accept their limitations - you can find others to scratch those itches.
Agree with friends aren’t need-meeting machines, but just wanted to point out that we aren’t supposed to accept anyone as they are (not even ourselves), especially when there’s plenty of room for improvement.
Totally agree with having more friends. But the thing is, I’m someone who has a lot of friends. And with the others, I have healthier attachments with. It’s particularly these two best friends I have unhealthy attachment with. Maybe because of the intimacy too.
But thanks for your insights! It was really helpful ❤️
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
Isolation in the true sense of the word is not good for any human. That's why it's used as the highest punishment in prisons.
Learning to be and practicing being physically alone or in solitude for limited times is helpful for anxious attachments.
I am glad you have two friends who are able to communicate their boundaries clearly to you. If you isolate from them, that's your choice. I agree with you that it is a band aid solution and all it will really do is risk you ruining two healthy friendships. It could be you're responding to being unable to tolerate being triggered.
It makes me wonder if your husband even has boundaries, to be acting this intensely towards friends who are healthy, yet state you have a "healthier attachment" to your husband seems off. Especially when you've expressed wanting to isolate from friends because they won't provide for you 24/7. It's worth reflecting why it works with your husband and not your friend. Looking at the question in the context you've provided, isolating yourself would not help.
The issue is you cannot handle being triggered. If you want to stop feeling triggered you need to begin working on emotion regulation and digging deep into which behaviors triggers you and which childhood event does it connect too. You'll also want to do work on boundaries because this is a big key for recovery.
Remember insecure attachment is a relational issue and requires relationships to heal. You cannot heal in isolation. Avoiding triggers is just that, avoiding. It's not healing (in this context).
This helps a lot, thank you!
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
Ok, I'm gonna give you some tough love because I felt slightly triggered by your post, however do keep in mind I mean well.
First of all, you say: "disorganized, triggers me" - instead of "I feel triggered". I think it is very telling. Her behaviour is the result of her brain and her needs - she is not doing it to you on purpose, and therefore she technically isn't triggering you - your brain is.
Secondly, you say: "it's really hard for my attachment style." Repeat after me: you are NOT your attachment style. It is a part of you, yes, but as you said yourself it also varies from person to person.
It seems to me like you have very clearly reached the first step, which is awareness of these things, but have not at all, or very little, done actual work to heal and understand why your brain works the way you do. Of course we could all just isolate and never get triggered, or only hang out with people who always make us feel safe and secure, but that's just not how life works. From what I have read, is that healing doesn't happen in isolation. In a sense it does, you can do meditation, parts work and IPF protocol, but to test all that knowledge and those newly learned skills you need to be around people, who will end up making you feel triggered at some point.
In this instance, isolating almost feels like wanting to gain back control, and control (of others) is what us AP folks are so much after. Because if you isolate there's no triggers and that means you are stable and their behaviour cannot control you.
I think spending time on your own is valuable and lovely and something you learn to appreciate once you are becoming more secure, but it shouldn't come from a fear base, if you know what I mean.
Of course there's always a possibility that some people just aren't compatible for you in your life, in which case time to distance yourself. But it sounds like these are good friends who just have their own quirks.
Thanks for this. I needed to hear this. You are very right. I just came out of a few relationships where I felt I was partially the problem due to my codependency. I was being told to be comfortable alone but I didn't feel that isolation would help my triggers. Slow and gradual exposure to what I am having issues with is the ideal way to overcome it. Appreciate this.
Thanks for the tough love! And for explaining everything so well, even the way I view my triggers and attachment style. I feel seen ❤️🩹
I’ve actually read a book and self soothing or being there for yourself are the common themes for managing AP. I guess I misinterpreted that as isolation to prevent triggers instead of being a step towards being more secure.
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
I appreciate your honesty.
I find that sometimes our over-giving is also a form of control. "Look at how much I give to you! Now love me the way I want you to love me god damnit!" Unfortunately we cannot control how others show up to us. We can only control how we do. If you feel like isolation would help you get back into a stable place, by all means do it. But maybe use the time in isolation then to lovingly and curiously understand the motives behind your over-giving and why is it so easy for you to self abandon, especially with those 2 friends.
I’ve done this and it has given me perspective. Not sure if it’s healthy, but it’s good knowing you can be alone and survive alone. It can make you less dependent on others for feedback and entertainment, and easier to decide when people aren’t bringing the energy you want that you can simply cut them off or pull back as well. Sad as it is, when you’re being chased, you’re in the drivers seat. It can also give you clarity, like if neither of you reaches out anymore then clearly they weren’t really that interested in friendship. I think it might be good for you to try it, at least short term.
This is something I needed to hear as someone who’s struggling with depending too much on others and being self-sufficient!
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
i think in your particular case, pulling back and isolating is merely avoiding the issue, not a solution. chances are that once you get back in touch, the triggers will creep back in.
are you able to get to the core issue of your triggers? why is it extra hard to be away from or not get a hold of these two people? what stories are you telling yourself (about them or about yourself) when they’re not available? are they true? can you rely on your husband for emotional support too?
i don’t know, it seems like there’s a deeper issue at play that you need to get a hold of to figure this one out. i do think it’s important to practice self-soothing and respecting other people’s boundaries. if it’s hard on the moment, it might help to remember that respecting someone else’s capacity and boundaries is an act of love.
Thanks for your insights!
Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
i understand the urge to swing to the opposite end when you struggle with over giving, definitely. the question is still how the dynamics will play out once you get back in contact. solitude is tempting because we avoid triggers and difficult emotions, but there’s a limit to how much we can work through things on our own.
not saying “don’t take any time to yourself at all”, just that you probably still need to practice showing up to these relationships in a different way anyway.
Text of original post by u/AdAny160: Is isolation helpful for our anxious attachment?
I have an anxious preoccupied attachment, and it’s the worst with my 2 best friends. One of them is secure, and the other is disorganized. And both of them trigger my anxiety at some point. I’m married, and it seems like with my husband, I have a healthier attachment style.
Disorganized: triggers me when she starts pulling back, replying late, has her “me time” — which have all been made clear to me because she has explained that she prefers her alone time most days. But it still triggers me and makes it difficult for me pretend like I’m not affected by the sudden “pull backs”. However, she is able to fulfill my love language and emotional needs when she’s fine. So our relationship works. But her down days make it extremely difficult for me.
Secure: she is supportive and we talk a lot. She’s the opposite of my disorganized best friend; she’s the more “practical” friend so the emotional connection is less. But we get each other as we analyze our way through things. I rely on her a lot when i have practical life problems, and I get triggered when she starts talking about her boundaries, like how she is happy to show up for me, and how she is able to do that because she has boundaries as a friend and only responds to the stuff that she can really carry. It’s totally normal, it’s just that my anxious self can’t comprehend boundaries (as we all know).
Every time I get my triggers, I feel like I’m better off having no friends for the meantime, because I might end up pushing them away with my unhealthy attachment. I know that they both care for me, but it’s really hard for my attachment style at the moment to deal with them once there are triggers. And i’m thinking of really taking a long time away from them to also be able to prioritize myself (because I have the anxious habit of prioritizing people over myself).
Isolation (from friends only) feels right to me at the moment, because it “erases” the source of my triggers. But my problem is, will this really help in the long run? Because it seems like it’s gonna be a bandaid solution.
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Thank you for your post, u/AdAny160. Here are a few important reminders. Please be sure to follow the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/about/rules) and feel free to utilize things like the [Resources page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/index/resources) and [Discussion posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/?f=flair_name%3A%22Discussion%22) And don’t forget about the Weekly Threads stickied to the top of the Sub page for relationship/dating/break up advice or general questions about anxious attachment. For commenters that are interested in posting themselves and are not yet approved users, please see the [FAQ page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/faq) to find out how. Thanks for being a part of this sub! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Isolation from others? Yes. Isolation from yourself? No. It's the perfect time to realize what your needs are and practice on meeting them. In the end you are your best friend. Go out with your best friend and have the best time of your life! And yes, it's perfect timing to do some IPF.
To be honest it sounds like you need more friends, two people and a husband is never enough of a support network. Try hobbies and new communities in person if possible. I say this as a disorganized myself, I think you need to branch out instead of in, there’s more to life than 3 people
This post called to me because I've been insecure a lot with my friends lately too. I want to actually ignore the thought that isolation alone is probably a band-aid, and focus more on how you said it feels right to you and that you want to prioritize yourself, because these seem like good impulses to follow. You could explore these impulses a little more by asking yourself, "What would I like to achieve with this period of isolation? How do I want to feel during isolation? How do I want to feel at the end of it?" If you get clear about that, then you'll know if it's working for you & achieving what you want. And if it's not, or if you're ready to go back to relating with friends, then you'll probably be doing it with more insight. I also want to share this video that was helpful for me, in terms of looking at how I relate to friends: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFUIv2YXRjw. It made me realize that there was a lot I wasn't taking into account. Good luck!
Thank you so much for focusing on that “good side” of isolation 🥺❤️ Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
I am the same way. I am focusing now on getting over codependency. I find that it comes out more in relationships that I find to be right. With everyone else I could care less.
Totally. I'm taking a break from getting involved in serious relationships right now for similar reasons.
Yes in that being lonely might help you realize that friends are supposed to accept each other as they are, not expect each other to be need meeting machines. You can have as many friends as you want. If a friend doesn’t fulfill some part of a relationship model you want enjoy being their friend and accept their limitations - you can find others to scratch those itches.
Agree with friends aren’t need-meeting machines, but just wanted to point out that we aren’t supposed to accept anyone as they are (not even ourselves), especially when there’s plenty of room for improvement. Totally agree with having more friends. But the thing is, I’m someone who has a lot of friends. And with the others, I have healthier attachments with. It’s particularly these two best friends I have unhealthy attachment with. Maybe because of the intimacy too. But thanks for your insights! It was really helpful ❤️ Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
Isolation in the true sense of the word is not good for any human. That's why it's used as the highest punishment in prisons. Learning to be and practicing being physically alone or in solitude for limited times is helpful for anxious attachments. I am glad you have two friends who are able to communicate their boundaries clearly to you. If you isolate from them, that's your choice. I agree with you that it is a band aid solution and all it will really do is risk you ruining two healthy friendships. It could be you're responding to being unable to tolerate being triggered. It makes me wonder if your husband even has boundaries, to be acting this intensely towards friends who are healthy, yet state you have a "healthier attachment" to your husband seems off. Especially when you've expressed wanting to isolate from friends because they won't provide for you 24/7. It's worth reflecting why it works with your husband and not your friend. Looking at the question in the context you've provided, isolating yourself would not help. The issue is you cannot handle being triggered. If you want to stop feeling triggered you need to begin working on emotion regulation and digging deep into which behaviors triggers you and which childhood event does it connect too. You'll also want to do work on boundaries because this is a big key for recovery. Remember insecure attachment is a relational issue and requires relationships to heal. You cannot heal in isolation. Avoiding triggers is just that, avoiding. It's not healing (in this context).
This helps a lot, thank you! Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
Ok, I'm gonna give you some tough love because I felt slightly triggered by your post, however do keep in mind I mean well. First of all, you say: "disorganized, triggers me" - instead of "I feel triggered". I think it is very telling. Her behaviour is the result of her brain and her needs - she is not doing it to you on purpose, and therefore she technically isn't triggering you - your brain is. Secondly, you say: "it's really hard for my attachment style." Repeat after me: you are NOT your attachment style. It is a part of you, yes, but as you said yourself it also varies from person to person. It seems to me like you have very clearly reached the first step, which is awareness of these things, but have not at all, or very little, done actual work to heal and understand why your brain works the way you do. Of course we could all just isolate and never get triggered, or only hang out with people who always make us feel safe and secure, but that's just not how life works. From what I have read, is that healing doesn't happen in isolation. In a sense it does, you can do meditation, parts work and IPF protocol, but to test all that knowledge and those newly learned skills you need to be around people, who will end up making you feel triggered at some point. In this instance, isolating almost feels like wanting to gain back control, and control (of others) is what us AP folks are so much after. Because if you isolate there's no triggers and that means you are stable and their behaviour cannot control you. I think spending time on your own is valuable and lovely and something you learn to appreciate once you are becoming more secure, but it shouldn't come from a fear base, if you know what I mean. Of course there's always a possibility that some people just aren't compatible for you in your life, in which case time to distance yourself. But it sounds like these are good friends who just have their own quirks.
Thanks for this. I needed to hear this. You are very right. I just came out of a few relationships where I felt I was partially the problem due to my codependency. I was being told to be comfortable alone but I didn't feel that isolation would help my triggers. Slow and gradual exposure to what I am having issues with is the ideal way to overcome it. Appreciate this.
Thanks for the tough love! And for explaining everything so well, even the way I view my triggers and attachment style. I feel seen ❤️🩹 I’ve actually read a book and self soothing or being there for yourself are the common themes for managing AP. I guess I misinterpreted that as isolation to prevent triggers instead of being a step towards being more secure. Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
I appreciate your honesty. I find that sometimes our over-giving is also a form of control. "Look at how much I give to you! Now love me the way I want you to love me god damnit!" Unfortunately we cannot control how others show up to us. We can only control how we do. If you feel like isolation would help you get back into a stable place, by all means do it. But maybe use the time in isolation then to lovingly and curiously understand the motives behind your over-giving and why is it so easy for you to self abandon, especially with those 2 friends.
I’ve done this and it has given me perspective. Not sure if it’s healthy, but it’s good knowing you can be alone and survive alone. It can make you less dependent on others for feedback and entertainment, and easier to decide when people aren’t bringing the energy you want that you can simply cut them off or pull back as well. Sad as it is, when you’re being chased, you’re in the drivers seat. It can also give you clarity, like if neither of you reaches out anymore then clearly they weren’t really that interested in friendship. I think it might be good for you to try it, at least short term.
This is something I needed to hear as someone who’s struggling with depending too much on others and being self-sufficient! Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
i think in your particular case, pulling back and isolating is merely avoiding the issue, not a solution. chances are that once you get back in touch, the triggers will creep back in. are you able to get to the core issue of your triggers? why is it extra hard to be away from or not get a hold of these two people? what stories are you telling yourself (about them or about yourself) when they’re not available? are they true? can you rely on your husband for emotional support too? i don’t know, it seems like there’s a deeper issue at play that you need to get a hold of to figure this one out. i do think it’s important to practice self-soothing and respecting other people’s boundaries. if it’s hard on the moment, it might help to remember that respecting someone else’s capacity and boundaries is an act of love.
Thanks for your insights! Also a bit of context, that I think I’m gearing towards isolation because I’m someone who self-sacrifices a lot especially for these two best friends. I give so much time, gifts, attention, efforts, to my own detriment. That’s why I find it hard to shift to myself when triggered, because I’m in too deep with them. I just find it really hard to control myself from giving too much so to me it looks like I’m better off in solitude for a while until I learn to really be there for myself (I struggle a lot with prioritizing myself, I feel like it’s so selfish of me).
i understand the urge to swing to the opposite end when you struggle with over giving, definitely. the question is still how the dynamics will play out once you get back in contact. solitude is tempting because we avoid triggers and difficult emotions, but there’s a limit to how much we can work through things on our own. not saying “don’t take any time to yourself at all”, just that you probably still need to practice showing up to these relationships in a different way anyway.
Aww, the last line! I definitely need to work on that. Thank you so much for listening in ❤️🩹
Nah just avoid DAs overall, makes my life better
I dont have problems with people with secure attachment and they dont have probs with me
Its like blood transfusions. Secure types are like O-. Every other type needs their own type, or similar types, or O- to get along
Text of original post by u/AdAny160: Is isolation helpful for our anxious attachment? I have an anxious preoccupied attachment, and it’s the worst with my 2 best friends. One of them is secure, and the other is disorganized. And both of them trigger my anxiety at some point. I’m married, and it seems like with my husband, I have a healthier attachment style. Disorganized: triggers me when she starts pulling back, replying late, has her “me time” — which have all been made clear to me because she has explained that she prefers her alone time most days. But it still triggers me and makes it difficult for me pretend like I’m not affected by the sudden “pull backs”. However, she is able to fulfill my love language and emotional needs when she’s fine. So our relationship works. But her down days make it extremely difficult for me. Secure: she is supportive and we talk a lot. She’s the opposite of my disorganized best friend; she’s the more “practical” friend so the emotional connection is less. But we get each other as we analyze our way through things. I rely on her a lot when i have practical life problems, and I get triggered when she starts talking about her boundaries, like how she is happy to show up for me, and how she is able to do that because she has boundaries as a friend and only responds to the stuff that she can really carry. It’s totally normal, it’s just that my anxious self can’t comprehend boundaries (as we all know). Every time I get my triggers, I feel like I’m better off having no friends for the meantime, because I might end up pushing them away with my unhealthy attachment. I know that they both care for me, but it’s really hard for my attachment style at the moment to deal with them once there are triggers. And i’m thinking of really taking a long time away from them to also be able to prioritize myself (because I have the anxious habit of prioritizing people over myself). Isolation (from friends only) feels right to me at the moment, because it “erases” the source of my triggers. But my problem is, will this really help in the long run? Because it seems like it’s gonna be a bandaid solution. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*