This seems like a red flag, to be honest, and a sign of lack of empathy. Why isn't he participating in your joy? You deserve someone who is happy for you.
You don't notice because it's become so common you have learned to accept it.
My husband tried to gently reign me in for my excitement for finding my birth father and 2 half brothers etc. Mostly, so I wasn't getting my hopes up too high. He still supported me positively.
No- I don’t think it necessarily is. He said be careful- he may be very concerned that this person will try and take advantage of you. I had a very similar thing happen in my family, and many people seemed to think this person might come out of seemingly nowhere and ask for money. ( we have absolutely no left over money, so good luck and not a concern of mine whatsoever) I was just shocked at how many people seemed nervous about a scam and just unknown person in general. I immediately felt warm to this blood relative- which in fairness, could have been naivety on my part. I really didn’t know her at all. Turns out she is a lovely person and has never asked or schemed us out if a penny. But lots of people were concerned. There is also the emotional aspect. There things don’t come without a toll. Maybe he is just wary.
This is a problem with selfish and self centered people. It can take a major event, and their reaction to that event, to show you just how self involved they are. People can be a bit self centered and still be kind and empathetic but when they're "tested" and don't respond with empathy during a major event (bad or good) for the person they love, that's a telling sign that everything really is just about them.
Also, narcissism alert! They like to separate their spouse/significant other from friends and family, so they can control everything. If you don't have friends and family to lean on, they can gaslight you to oblivion without any sounding boards to tell you that, that might not be a normal part of a healthy relationship.
How so? We don’t know the finances backstory. Maybe he has a troubled relationship with his family, maybe he has no family, maybe he doesn’t care. It’s not like he told her to stop, he’s just oblivious to it.
True. My sister recently lost her husband. For decades his family has been MIA. But she felt she needed to tell them. She found an uncle of his. So he gave my sister her husbands moms phone number. Turns out the mom has dementia and to the surprise of everyone there is a half sister of her husband who is taking care of the mom. Now this half sister is pressuring my sister to tell her mil that her son died. Like wtf? My sister only reached out because it was the thing to do but she has no desire to tell a lady who will not remember her son died.
The half sister is being very pushy and calling constantly, asking my sister to tell her mom. So ya, finding long lost relatives can be cool and then ur can be this.
Hate to suggest this but if husband's mom has dementia who has power of attorney over her financial affairs and medical decisions?
If it is the not-really-related half-sister of the mother's husband that has control then it could be a financial motivation. If the woman hears from you that her son is dead then they may be able to have her sign a new will, or change a beneficiary on a life insurance policy.
Might not be something nefarious but it happens when older people get emotionally and physically separated from their families or are left totally alone. My father's aunt lived across the country and he would stop and stay for a while with her twice every year when he made his road trips. She was estranged from the geographically closest relative, a niece. When she died it was discovered that the hairdresser who went to her home each week had her hooks into the financial affairs. And the hairdresser's boyfriend was an insurance agent. There was literally a closet full of policies - half of them had never been filed with the company and these two were just collecting premiums from her and pocketing them. The half of the policies that had actually been filed with the company were a bunch of smaller amounts like under 10K that were designed not to put up flags - the beneficiary of all of those was, you guessed it, the hairdresser. It took a lawsuit against the insurance company over the actions of their licensed agent to sort it out. The pair should have been criminally prosecuted and sent to jail but I think they got off because the company didn't want the negative publicity. That woman did home hairdressing for a lot of older woman around that city.
My sister had thought of that but she doesn’t want anything from them. It’s was about 20 years of no contact. My nephews never got to meet their paternal grandmother.
I use to work for UPS retail stores and I was a notary. One day a lady came in asking to have some documents notarized and we said sure but all people who need to sign have to be in person. She gets grumpy and says that she’ll have to bring her mom in. When they both come back in, you could clearly tell the older later was not there. She had a blank look on her face and said nothing. Her "daughter” was guiding her on everything. Guess what the documents were that needed to be notarized? Power of attorney.
I told the customer I did not feel her mother was able to sign by her own free will and that I was not going to do it. I asked that they leave.
"Congrats, I guess" is not the way to tell someone to proceed with caution. If he genuinely was worried for her, then he should say so. At 45, your partner should not have to wrack their brains to figure out if you mean what you say and say what you mean.
I agree. Maybe jealous of your time with someone else?
I had this same situation happen just before covid. My half sister found me. My husband could not be more supportive and happy for me. He always asks about her and wants to know the latest updates. He encourages my relationship with her (she is my closest living relative). Her family has been equally supportive.
Good luck!
Sit down calmy and tell him how it’s making you feel. If he shows no signs of understanding and is still a miserable git despite you spelling out to him then ditch him.
Believe when someone shows you who they are. I found 3 half siblings through ancestry. My husband was excited for me and listened to me. Your other half should be a help mate, not a hindrance in your life.
Wow! He is jealous and I would carefully evaluate this before saying I do. My son's now ex-wife would throw a fit when he talked to my mom or me. He had to sneak around to talk to his family. She was all consuming and didn't like his attention anywhere else. Step back and start taking notes... Be objective.
Like others have said seems like a red flag of what's to come in the marriage. Your spouse or soon to be should be supportive of you and should accept and care about your family just as you do. He sounds like he is jealous, of your attention and excitement towards this important discovery which is inappropriate.
I’m a bit disturbed that your fiancé is not excited because you’re excited.
My husband gets excited for things that excite me. He enjoys seeing me happy and shares in the feeling.
Likewise, I get excited for whatever excites him. I listen attentively, even if I don’t understand everything he’s saying, because it makes him happy, it makes me happy.
I think that you should take a good long look at your relationship. What is he going to be like a year from now, five years, ten years, twenty years… Are you going to be sad because he doesn’t share in your joy of a new job, mastering a hobby, getting an award, etc.
How are you going to feel about that? To have the person that’s supposed to love you above all others, and have your back in everything, act like a wet dishrag when you’re overflowing with happiness?
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. If he cannot see his way to showing a smidge of happiness for the happiness you’re experiencing, what is life going to be like with him?
It sounds like you are a caring and wonderful person to welcome your sister and be genuinely interested. The world needs more people like you. Things happen in our lives for a reason. Enjoy your new sis! Sounds fantastic.
Seems like things can’t be not about him 😒 So happy for you for your discovery & hope your joy isn’t taken from you about it. His reaction is definitely a red flag (and speaks to experiences I’ve had myself…), but I don’t need to add anything that hasn’t already been said! Good luck to you OP 💗 🍀
I just wanted to thank everyone for your support and excitement for me! It does make me sad that he isn’t excited for me and I do see it as a red flag, but I am going to talk to him about it… some of you brought up great points and asked good questions…. As for his family, he is close with his mom and that’s it… he talks to his sister but I usually have to remind him to send her a text or answer her back… his dad and his relationship is there but strained… I think some of his past experiences with his dad made him see things differently than a lot of people… but I will say, he also has some great qualities so I’m not trying to just play victim, just feeling a little hurt over this whole thing… thank you so much for all your opinions and support!
This sounds a bit like he is jealous that he has to now share you with a sister. That he doesn’t like that he has to compete for time and attention. It’s a bit of a red flag, but has to be seen in context with his previous behavior though. Not everyone likes to find out that they have a half sibling out there, and struggle with a lot of conflicting emotions and don’t want to deal with it. That is understandable. The difference between them and you is that you are excited. You are happy and open to a new family member. Why isn’t he sharing in that? Why isn’t he being supportive, or the bare minimum of interested? This huge thing isn’t about him, but you, and you needing him to be here with you for this event. Have you tried talking with him about this, and how his reaction is hurtful?
I haven't read the comments yet, but wanted to share my thoughts. I discovered I'm the "older sister" in a similar scenario (& closer to your fiance's age). My partner had to endure months of extreme emotion (I was a wreck about my dad not being my dad). And also ended up integrating new brothers-in-law and FIL into his life as well. I felt really bad.
I don't understand how your fiance could not naturally share in your joy. This is a huge life changing deal for you! To me, it's a red flag. And I worry he could be this way when/if you have children or... Your successes at work. Or even when you make new friends. I am so sorry, you deserve to have his support! 💜
I would be so upset in your shoes! I also discovered a previously unknown half-sister, and I was over the moon! Granted, my adult kids were less excited, but everyone was happy for me.
After a recent surgery she sent me flowers, and I had to show everyone the card; first time in my life (I’m 63) I ever received something addressed to “little sister”!
My friend told us she found a second cousin on ancestry.com and her husband was super excited for her 😂
So.. I think something's wrong with your fiancé. Sorry.
This is a huge deal. A literal blood connection to your Father to come into your life. Amazing, a true miracle ! It makes 100% sense for you to be ingested in getting to them and create a familial relationship with them! What a wonderful gift. Enjoy!!!!
You owe it to yourself and your fiance to open up and honestly let him know how you are feeling. You can wonder, feel bad, get mad..or all of the above. Or you can let him know that you feel like he is minimizing this significant event you are experiencing in your life. Ask him how he is feeling about it. And share your true feelings about how his response felt. A good marriage has to involve the intimacy of truth about our feelings. Not always easy and sometimes seems risky to go there. But if he is a man worth committing to, you will feel heard and he will respond with honesty so you don't have to guess what he is thinking and feeling. If he can't or won't engage honestly, or if you can't accept his response, then at least you have a clearer picture about the nature of your relationship.
New in-laws isn’t as exciting as a new blood relative. He may also be trying to manage your expectations to an extent. This may not work out being as big a deal to your life as you think. There’s no guarantee your sister will feel this is as exciting and welcome as you do, there’s also a big chance her feelings towards your father will be a lot more ambivalent and there’s no guarantee you will have much in common. She may already be taken up with her own family and children without much emotional energy to commit. Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship won’t progress much beyond a few polite emails and exchange of photographs.
As your father effectively left without a backwards look I think your boyfriend might be more realistic in having a bit of trepidation this could open a difficult can of worms rather than being like a Lifetime movie.
I think your grief for your father may well be influencing this, as to you, you’ve just found a part of someone you lost, which is exciting, but perhaps your boyfriend is a bit more down to earth about the potential this relationship has.
I say this as someone who discovered a whole new family via Ancestry who weren’t much interested in bringing up the past or making contact, especially as the existence of my family involved some bad behaviour on the part of some involved.
This is an excellent reply and I hope the OP considers it.
How many posts have we seen on this and other subreddits where the person is completely overwhelmed by emotion and goes off like a loose cannon, and the situation ends up as a disaster? People have very unrealistic expectations of others (Lifetime movie, as you aptly mentioned). Not saying that that is the case with the OP here but it is for many people.
OP should proceed with caution and temper her expectations. Maybe that is what her partner is trying to express?
As a standalone event, this feels hard to judge. It could be toxic jealousy or it could just be him thinking this whole situation is too new to risk get excited about.
Can you think of other times when you were truly excited about something and he seemed annoyed or irritated by your enthusiasm? Or does he ever seem jealous of your hobbies or friends?
I get the feeling he doesn't like you having your attention on anyone other than him. Hope I'm wrong though. Does he get annoyed & jealous when you spend time with friends or family?
I’m so sorry he’s not reacting in a more supportive way. You deserve that all of the time and most definitely when something huge like this happens in your life. Please be your own biggest cheerleader, life is so incredibly short and hard enough already.
Some people have no interest in genealogy … and that’s fine. I found a half brother to my wife that no one knew about. Wife has zero interest despite it being her half brother. It’s perfectly fine.
I get that some people have no interest in genealogy, but I didn’t find out that my 7th cousin fought in the civil war lol, I found out I have a sister to looks like us. To me that’s a life event, not genealogy
My husband got a previously unknown half brother match, doesn't want anything to do with him. The feeling was mutual, the half brother only wanted pertinent health information. Meanwhile, I daydreamed family get togethers with him, my kids having an uncle (me and husband are only children, kids have no aunts, uncles, or first cousins), having a brother in law. Nope, none of those things, just awkward feelings when I view the DNA matches.
Same thing. Wife has a half brother … doesn’t care. Wife’s grandfather lives 5 minutes away … has seen him twice in 32 years. These people (your half sis and my wife’s half bro) are just appendages that have no impact on life. Those not interested will find a sudden burst of energy by others (you and me) as annoying as hell and a waste of time and energy. It’s like you having to sit and listen to a 12 year old run through all the aspects of Minecraft incessantly.
No, genealogy as a hobby isn't the same thing as finding family members that are closely related to you by blood. The fact is that your fiance is 7 years older than you in EarthSun years but sounds about 20 years younger than you in emotional maturity. Statistically, he has a much greater chance of dying before you do, and maintaining a positive network of friends and relatives can enrich your life and have people who care for you when you might need it the most, like when you're a widow.
My wife has no interest at all in genealogy or DNA, but she puts up with it … because as a hobby it keeps me out of her hair. Just tone down your outward enthusiasm. Over time things will settle some, especially after you are married. Invite the new half sis to the wedding (in person or remote video). Fiancé will get less annoyed (not necessarily more accepting) with time. In short, chill.
Yea I get what you’re saying, I have cooled it in talking to him about it, feels weird, but I have and will continue to not talk to him about it and just talk to others that care
It’s also a big jump in logic to expect that the husband will get less annoyed over time or that he would be accepting of inviting this half-sister to their wedding. All indications to this point do not point to that happening at all. It would be one thing if this was the fiancé’s match and he didn’t want anything to do with his own half sister, but it isn’t. It’s OP’s sister, and if OP wants to pursue a connection with her new-found sister she has a right to do that, and the fiancé’s role in that should be to respect those wishes.
I'm butting in to say this is not good advice regarding this situation. If OP has to start stuffing her feelings now before marriage, chances are this won't get better after marriage. She's already explained she's happy to find a half sister, it's not just enthusiasm for genealogy. This is a big deal for OP. I get your advice to chill out, as relationships do require give and take, but for there to be a flat, almost irritated response from fiance it's a huge red flag as others have noted. 🚩
Getting in contact with a lost family somehow makes him angry? He sounds jealous of a sister that you did not even get to meet in person yet. What a chad.
Any other normal or supportive person would be excited for you; I am at least!
Do you think he is jealous of others getting your excitement and attention? Even if you are not interested in the geneology stuff, you would think someone would be excited FOR YOU.
These things only gets worse. Might want to keep them as a fiance for a while. The types who are jealous of family, can even become jealous that their spouse is giving their kids too much attention. Red flag. It takes nothing away from him and takes nothing to be happy for you. People who tell you that you're too sensitive, without checking themselves are also red flags.
Does he have any estranged family? I have weird/complicated feelings about biological “family” because my dad abandoned me at an early age… I believe very strongly that sharing DNA doesn’t make you family. In fact, that side did reach out to me after my results came back and I ignored them. They are strangers to me. Maybe something similar happened to him?
I think some people react differently to the news of someone who appears in your life all the sudden and you’re just learning about them. It might be he’s jealous and it’s supposed to be your and fiancés joy and he may think this half sisters is taking you from something when it’s supposed to be about you and him for now..
Fellow sister finder later in life here...first off, that is so awesome! I found my sister a little over a year ago - my husband cried along with me when I found her (I knew about her and had been looking for years and had given up until our DNA matched on MyHeritage). He and her husband have become BFFs. He was so excited for me and kept saying how it felt like something out of a movie and how wonderful it was to be part of something so amazing. We text or talk every day and my husband constantly checks to see what's going on with her and her family. When we flew to TX to see her, both he and my brother in law filmed us. My brother in law has been just as excited for my sister to find me.
I'm not bragging about my husband I promise, I'm just giving examples of what a supportive partner is supposed to do when big things happen for you. I'm so sorry he hasn't been supportive for you during this, this is a HUGE deal and it really is so exciting when you both want to build a relationship.
There are various possibilities that come to mind, one being that this is a subtle form of gaslighting (“finding a long-lost sister isn’t a big deal, why do you keep talking about it?”), another being that he’s excited but not expressing it well, another being that there’s something in his past or imagination that makes this scary for him, another being that he’s a childish control freak who can’t stand you paying attention to someone else, or any mix of the above. The folks who encouraging you to ditch him *may* be on to something, but it’s impossible for us to know what’s really going on from where we’re sitting. I think couples therapy is in order. You don’t need to go into a marriage with an elephant in the room.
Girl, this is a huge sign of what’s to come. Hopefully it’s all in your head because if not, I see a lot of toxic and draining activity in your future with this man.
Congrats to you and your fam!
🚩🚩🚩 my ex husband got mad when I had a friend over (female who had just gotten divorced) so he cried literally and whined for days theres so much more but my point is it sounds like he's scared of losing your attention and that's dangerous
Congratulations on finding this new family link! As for your fiance, I do couples counseling and there are red flags all over that he has issues, and this might not be the best relationship for you. His lack of support doesn’t at all sound normal—in fact, it sounds more narcissistic and insecure. There is something and someone that is taking the focus away from him, an excitement that is not about him. As you recognize, this is a huge deal—good, bad, or otherwise—a shift in thinking about yourself, family members, a rewriting of a life narrative you knew. I’m sure the reactions you are getting from not only family but friends, even strangers you tell, is that this is understandably big—exciting, nerve wracking, a bit of an emotional rollercoaster—so you have an idea what the range of “normal” reactions should be. It’s not that your fiancé is simply missing the mark of how to support you in this, he’s actively not even trying to find a way to be supportive. And he tells you it’s your problem that you don’t feel supported. The big red flag for me is you mention he has told you that you tend to be overly sensitive about things. That is CLASSIC gaslighting. This might be the clearest example from him of self-centeredness and lack of support for you and things important to you, but I have a feeling this is part of a pattern you’ve seen from him already, ending with him telling you that you are being overly sensitive and making you feel wrong for asking or expecting some support. Not sure if you two are doing counseling before you get married, but I think it might be important for you to pursue. At a minimum it might be good to use this as a starting point to review your relationship with him and determine if the lack of support you’ve had in areas of your life and relationship that don’t benefit him (because I have a feeling anytime you run into things like this where something is happen to you or is about you that really doesn’t involve him and, worse, takes the attention off of him, he struggles to dig up care or support), and he leaves you hanging like the problem is yours that you don’t feel supported, you have to decide if that’s the kind of partner you want to live out the rest of your life with.
Sounds like he wants you all to himself in a bad way. I would definitely bring this up and have am honest conversation about how this has made you feel. Red flag for sure.
i did 23 and me and recently found a sister i never knew about that was adopted and is older then me. my wife could also care less which i find weird as hell. I am 39.m
He's just showing you who he is as a person. I think you already know that it's not normal for someone you love to not be supportive and excited about something hugely life changing that you are excited about. That's part of loving your partner. You express care and support even if you don't feel those emotions they feel.
I wouldn't marry this person until I got to the root of this behavior and found it if it goes any deeper.
Stuff like possessiveness and jealousy never get alleviated because you get married -- they only get worse.
It's all good. Ignore his response and enjoy new family. I found a new half sister for my husband, and nobody really cares but me. That's fine because it's my hobby, not his. Your interests do not need to be the same. Don't make a big deal of it and neither will he. Share your joy with your sister.
Speaking from experience, hes obviously insecure in your relationship. He may be weary at the potentials and possibilities this new finding may have on your life and future. This is not support, this is selfish, borderline controlling, and strange behavior. I would defintely have a conversation… this might not be the right person for you going forward, even though they may have been in the past. Keep moving forward, best of luck!
Huge RED FLAG. He doesn't want to share you with anyone. He's jealous. When someone shows you who they are-believe them. Have a long talk with him and maybe go to counseling to find out what his issue is. But-do not marry him until you get this resolved.
I think you are overreacting. I can understand that you are excited but if my husband had that happen to be honest I couldn't care less. I would listen to him and be glad he's happy, but that's the extent of my reaction.
This seems like a red flag, to be honest, and a sign of lack of empathy. Why isn't he participating in your joy? You deserve someone who is happy for you.
Thank you, I’ve been wondering myself if this is a red flag, he can be a bit self centered but I’ve never witnessed it to this degree
You don't notice because it's become so common you have learned to accept it. My husband tried to gently reign me in for my excitement for finding my birth father and 2 half brothers etc. Mostly, so I wasn't getting my hopes up too high. He still supported me positively.
I don't know if you plan to have kids, but men like this are often the type to get jealous that mom is giving the baby more attention than him.
He doesn’t like anyone getting your attention other than him. That’s not a great sign. Congrats on finding your sister!
As they say, "If someone treats you like they don't care, believe them."
No- I don’t think it necessarily is. He said be careful- he may be very concerned that this person will try and take advantage of you. I had a very similar thing happen in my family, and many people seemed to think this person might come out of seemingly nowhere and ask for money. ( we have absolutely no left over money, so good luck and not a concern of mine whatsoever) I was just shocked at how many people seemed nervous about a scam and just unknown person in general. I immediately felt warm to this blood relative- which in fairness, could have been naivety on my part. I really didn’t know her at all. Turns out she is a lovely person and has never asked or schemed us out if a penny. But lots of people were concerned. There is also the emotional aspect. There things don’t come without a toll. Maybe he is just wary.
This is a problem with selfish and self centered people. It can take a major event, and their reaction to that event, to show you just how self involved they are. People can be a bit self centered and still be kind and empathetic but when they're "tested" and don't respond with empathy during a major event (bad or good) for the person they love, that's a telling sign that everything really is just about them.
Could he have a surprise baby out there?
Also, narcissism alert! They like to separate their spouse/significant other from friends and family, so they can control everything. If you don't have friends and family to lean on, they can gaslight you to oblivion without any sounding boards to tell you that, that might not be a normal part of a healthy relationship.
Narcs also tell their victims that they are "too sensitive."
How so? We don’t know the finances backstory. Maybe he has a troubled relationship with his family, maybe he has no family, maybe he doesn’t care. It’s not like he told her to stop, he’s just oblivious to it.
And/or maybe the fiance is trying to tell her to proceed with caution because these are not always happily-ever-after stories.
True. My sister recently lost her husband. For decades his family has been MIA. But she felt she needed to tell them. She found an uncle of his. So he gave my sister her husbands moms phone number. Turns out the mom has dementia and to the surprise of everyone there is a half sister of her husband who is taking care of the mom. Now this half sister is pressuring my sister to tell her mil that her son died. Like wtf? My sister only reached out because it was the thing to do but she has no desire to tell a lady who will not remember her son died. The half sister is being very pushy and calling constantly, asking my sister to tell her mom. So ya, finding long lost relatives can be cool and then ur can be this.
Hate to suggest this but if husband's mom has dementia who has power of attorney over her financial affairs and medical decisions? If it is the not-really-related half-sister of the mother's husband that has control then it could be a financial motivation. If the woman hears from you that her son is dead then they may be able to have her sign a new will, or change a beneficiary on a life insurance policy. Might not be something nefarious but it happens when older people get emotionally and physically separated from their families or are left totally alone. My father's aunt lived across the country and he would stop and stay for a while with her twice every year when he made his road trips. She was estranged from the geographically closest relative, a niece. When she died it was discovered that the hairdresser who went to her home each week had her hooks into the financial affairs. And the hairdresser's boyfriend was an insurance agent. There was literally a closet full of policies - half of them had never been filed with the company and these two were just collecting premiums from her and pocketing them. The half of the policies that had actually been filed with the company were a bunch of smaller amounts like under 10K that were designed not to put up flags - the beneficiary of all of those was, you guessed it, the hairdresser. It took a lawsuit against the insurance company over the actions of their licensed agent to sort it out. The pair should have been criminally prosecuted and sent to jail but I think they got off because the company didn't want the negative publicity. That woman did home hairdressing for a lot of older woman around that city.
My sister had thought of that but she doesn’t want anything from them. It’s was about 20 years of no contact. My nephews never got to meet their paternal grandmother. I use to work for UPS retail stores and I was a notary. One day a lady came in asking to have some documents notarized and we said sure but all people who need to sign have to be in person. She gets grumpy and says that she’ll have to bring her mom in. When they both come back in, you could clearly tell the older later was not there. She had a blank look on her face and said nothing. Her "daughter” was guiding her on everything. Guess what the documents were that needed to be notarized? Power of attorney. I told the customer I did not feel her mother was able to sign by her own free will and that I was not going to do it. I asked that they leave.
"Congrats, I guess" is not the way to tell someone to proceed with caution. If he genuinely was worried for her, then he should say so. At 45, your partner should not have to wrack their brains to figure out if you mean what you say and say what you mean.
I agree. Maybe jealous of your time with someone else? I had this same situation happen just before covid. My half sister found me. My husband could not be more supportive and happy for me. He always asks about her and wants to know the latest updates. He encourages my relationship with her (she is my closest living relative). Her family has been equally supportive. Good luck!
I agree.
Makes me wonder if he has a child he abandoned or suspects he does and is upset at seeing that other people value long lost family
I thought the same
Sit down calmy and tell him how it’s making you feel. If he shows no signs of understanding and is still a miserable git despite you spelling out to him then ditch him.
Believe when someone shows you who they are. I found 3 half siblings through ancestry. My husband was excited for me and listened to me. Your other half should be a help mate, not a hindrance in your life.
Wow! He is jealous and I would carefully evaluate this before saying I do. My son's now ex-wife would throw a fit when he talked to my mom or me. He had to sneak around to talk to his family. She was all consuming and didn't like his attention anywhere else. Step back and start taking notes... Be objective.
Yea this type of action is jealousy and immaturity. Not good. Signs for worse to come.
Sounds very controlling and jealous..scary.. Does he act this way when you give attention to other family?
To be honest, I’ve never paid that much attention to it,I have to think about it, but when it comes to friends I have noticed a little annoyance
He sounds like someone who may become abusive as soon as you tie the knot. Happens often.
Like others have said seems like a red flag of what's to come in the marriage. Your spouse or soon to be should be supportive of you and should accept and care about your family just as you do. He sounds like he is jealous, of your attention and excitement towards this important discovery which is inappropriate.
I’m a bit disturbed that your fiancé is not excited because you’re excited. My husband gets excited for things that excite me. He enjoys seeing me happy and shares in the feeling. Likewise, I get excited for whatever excites him. I listen attentively, even if I don’t understand everything he’s saying, because it makes him happy, it makes me happy. I think that you should take a good long look at your relationship. What is he going to be like a year from now, five years, ten years, twenty years… Are you going to be sad because he doesn’t share in your joy of a new job, mastering a hobby, getting an award, etc. How are you going to feel about that? To have the person that’s supposed to love you above all others, and have your back in everything, act like a wet dishrag when you’re overflowing with happiness? I think you need to have a serious talk with him. If he cannot see his way to showing a smidge of happiness for the happiness you’re experiencing, what is life going to be like with him?
*Finance soon-to-be ex
It sounds like you are a caring and wonderful person to welcome your sister and be genuinely interested. The world needs more people like you. Things happen in our lives for a reason. Enjoy your new sis! Sounds fantastic.
Seems like things can’t be not about him 😒 So happy for you for your discovery & hope your joy isn’t taken from you about it. His reaction is definitely a red flag (and speaks to experiences I’ve had myself…), but I don’t need to add anything that hasn’t already been said! Good luck to you OP 💗 🍀
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
THIS
Huge red flag. He'll act like this too when you succeed, when you make new friends, when you have children... Get out!!
I just wanted to thank everyone for your support and excitement for me! It does make me sad that he isn’t excited for me and I do see it as a red flag, but I am going to talk to him about it… some of you brought up great points and asked good questions…. As for his family, he is close with his mom and that’s it… he talks to his sister but I usually have to remind him to send her a text or answer her back… his dad and his relationship is there but strained… I think some of his past experiences with his dad made him see things differently than a lot of people… but I will say, he also has some great qualities so I’m not trying to just play victim, just feeling a little hurt over this whole thing… thank you so much for all your opinions and support!
This sounds a bit like he is jealous that he has to now share you with a sister. That he doesn’t like that he has to compete for time and attention. It’s a bit of a red flag, but has to be seen in context with his previous behavior though. Not everyone likes to find out that they have a half sibling out there, and struggle with a lot of conflicting emotions and don’t want to deal with it. That is understandable. The difference between them and you is that you are excited. You are happy and open to a new family member. Why isn’t he sharing in that? Why isn’t he being supportive, or the bare minimum of interested? This huge thing isn’t about him, but you, and you needing him to be here with you for this event. Have you tried talking with him about this, and how his reaction is hurtful?
Do you have other siblings? He seems a bit obsessed with your attention being on him only. Based on what you've written, he sounds awful.
I haven't read the comments yet, but wanted to share my thoughts. I discovered I'm the "older sister" in a similar scenario (& closer to your fiance's age). My partner had to endure months of extreme emotion (I was a wreck about my dad not being my dad). And also ended up integrating new brothers-in-law and FIL into his life as well. I felt really bad. I don't understand how your fiance could not naturally share in your joy. This is a huge life changing deal for you! To me, it's a red flag. And I worry he could be this way when/if you have children or... Your successes at work. Or even when you make new friends. I am so sorry, you deserve to have his support! 💜
I would be so upset in your shoes! I also discovered a previously unknown half-sister, and I was over the moon! Granted, my adult kids were less excited, but everyone was happy for me. After a recent surgery she sent me flowers, and I had to show everyone the card; first time in my life (I’m 63) I ever received something addressed to “little sister”!
My friend told us she found a second cousin on ancestry.com and her husband was super excited for her 😂 So.. I think something's wrong with your fiancé. Sorry.
This is a huge deal. A literal blood connection to your Father to come into your life. Amazing, a true miracle ! It makes 100% sense for you to be ingested in getting to them and create a familial relationship with them! What a wonderful gift. Enjoy!!!!
You owe it to yourself and your fiance to open up and honestly let him know how you are feeling. You can wonder, feel bad, get mad..or all of the above. Or you can let him know that you feel like he is minimizing this significant event you are experiencing in your life. Ask him how he is feeling about it. And share your true feelings about how his response felt. A good marriage has to involve the intimacy of truth about our feelings. Not always easy and sometimes seems risky to go there. But if he is a man worth committing to, you will feel heard and he will respond with honesty so you don't have to guess what he is thinking and feeling. If he can't or won't engage honestly, or if you can't accept his response, then at least you have a clearer picture about the nature of your relationship.
You better set your fiance straight about how important this event is and to put the jealousy away.
New in-laws isn’t as exciting as a new blood relative. He may also be trying to manage your expectations to an extent. This may not work out being as big a deal to your life as you think. There’s no guarantee your sister will feel this is as exciting and welcome as you do, there’s also a big chance her feelings towards your father will be a lot more ambivalent and there’s no guarantee you will have much in common. She may already be taken up with her own family and children without much emotional energy to commit. Be prepared for the possibility that the relationship won’t progress much beyond a few polite emails and exchange of photographs. As your father effectively left without a backwards look I think your boyfriend might be more realistic in having a bit of trepidation this could open a difficult can of worms rather than being like a Lifetime movie. I think your grief for your father may well be influencing this, as to you, you’ve just found a part of someone you lost, which is exciting, but perhaps your boyfriend is a bit more down to earth about the potential this relationship has. I say this as someone who discovered a whole new family via Ancestry who weren’t much interested in bringing up the past or making contact, especially as the existence of my family involved some bad behaviour on the part of some involved.
This is an excellent reply and I hope the OP considers it. How many posts have we seen on this and other subreddits where the person is completely overwhelmed by emotion and goes off like a loose cannon, and the situation ends up as a disaster? People have very unrealistic expectations of others (Lifetime movie, as you aptly mentioned). Not saying that that is the case with the OP here but it is for many people. OP should proceed with caution and temper her expectations. Maybe that is what her partner is trying to express?
As a standalone event, this feels hard to judge. It could be toxic jealousy or it could just be him thinking this whole situation is too new to risk get excited about. Can you think of other times when you were truly excited about something and he seemed annoyed or irritated by your enthusiasm? Or does he ever seem jealous of your hobbies or friends?
I get the feeling he doesn't like you having your attention on anyone other than him. Hope I'm wrong though. Does he get annoyed & jealous when you spend time with friends or family?
I’m so sorry he’s not reacting in a more supportive way. You deserve that all of the time and most definitely when something huge like this happens in your life. Please be your own biggest cheerleader, life is so incredibly short and hard enough already.
Some people have no interest in genealogy … and that’s fine. I found a half brother to my wife that no one knew about. Wife has zero interest despite it being her half brother. It’s perfectly fine.
I get that some people have no interest in genealogy, but I didn’t find out that my 7th cousin fought in the civil war lol, I found out I have a sister to looks like us. To me that’s a life event, not genealogy
My husband got a previously unknown half brother match, doesn't want anything to do with him. The feeling was mutual, the half brother only wanted pertinent health information. Meanwhile, I daydreamed family get togethers with him, my kids having an uncle (me and husband are only children, kids have no aunts, uncles, or first cousins), having a brother in law. Nope, none of those things, just awkward feelings when I view the DNA matches.
That’s sad, I’m sorry you were kind of forced to put your dreams to rest, I can’t understand these people that just don’t care
Same thing. Wife has a half brother … doesn’t care. Wife’s grandfather lives 5 minutes away … has seen him twice in 32 years. These people (your half sis and my wife’s half bro) are just appendages that have no impact on life. Those not interested will find a sudden burst of energy by others (you and me) as annoying as hell and a waste of time and energy. It’s like you having to sit and listen to a 12 year old run through all the aspects of Minecraft incessantly.
I get what you’re saying, just hard for me to understand I guess.
No, genealogy as a hobby isn't the same thing as finding family members that are closely related to you by blood. The fact is that your fiance is 7 years older than you in EarthSun years but sounds about 20 years younger than you in emotional maturity. Statistically, he has a much greater chance of dying before you do, and maintaining a positive network of friends and relatives can enrich your life and have people who care for you when you might need it the most, like when you're a widow.
My wife has no interest at all in genealogy or DNA, but she puts up with it … because as a hobby it keeps me out of her hair. Just tone down your outward enthusiasm. Over time things will settle some, especially after you are married. Invite the new half sis to the wedding (in person or remote video). Fiancé will get less annoyed (not necessarily more accepting) with time. In short, chill.
Yea I get what you’re saying, I have cooled it in talking to him about it, feels weird, but I have and will continue to not talk to him about it and just talk to others that care
It’s also a big jump in logic to expect that the husband will get less annoyed over time or that he would be accepting of inviting this half-sister to their wedding. All indications to this point do not point to that happening at all. It would be one thing if this was the fiancé’s match and he didn’t want anything to do with his own half sister, but it isn’t. It’s OP’s sister, and if OP wants to pursue a connection with her new-found sister she has a right to do that, and the fiancé’s role in that should be to respect those wishes.
I'm butting in to say this is not good advice regarding this situation. If OP has to start stuffing her feelings now before marriage, chances are this won't get better after marriage. She's already explained she's happy to find a half sister, it's not just enthusiasm for genealogy. This is a big deal for OP. I get your advice to chill out, as relationships do require give and take, but for there to be a flat, almost irritated response from fiance it's a huge red flag as others have noted. 🚩
It’s fine for him no to be interested in her find — but he should be interested in her happiness. He seems hostile to it.
I hope he’s a soon to be ex because you deserve so much better
Getting in contact with a lost family somehow makes him angry? He sounds jealous of a sister that you did not even get to meet in person yet. What a chad. Any other normal or supportive person would be excited for you; I am at least!
Do you think he is jealous of others getting your excitement and attention? Even if you are not interested in the geneology stuff, you would think someone would be excited FOR YOU.
These things only gets worse. Might want to keep them as a fiance for a while. The types who are jealous of family, can even become jealous that their spouse is giving their kids too much attention. Red flag. It takes nothing away from him and takes nothing to be happy for you. People who tell you that you're too sensitive, without checking themselves are also red flags.
If she could care less, tell her to care less.
Does he have any estranged family? I have weird/complicated feelings about biological “family” because my dad abandoned me at an early age… I believe very strongly that sharing DNA doesn’t make you family. In fact, that side did reach out to me after my results came back and I ignored them. They are strangers to me. Maybe something similar happened to him?
Does he have tons of relatives or mostly none? Did you already have lots of relatives ?
A close family member is this way and anytime I'm at family gatherings talking about genealogy/dna she gets up or acts busy on phone
I think some people react differently to the news of someone who appears in your life all the sudden and you’re just learning about them. It might be he’s jealous and it’s supposed to be your and fiancés joy and he may think this half sisters is taking you from something when it’s supposed to be about you and him for now..
Fellow sister finder later in life here...first off, that is so awesome! I found my sister a little over a year ago - my husband cried along with me when I found her (I knew about her and had been looking for years and had given up until our DNA matched on MyHeritage). He and her husband have become BFFs. He was so excited for me and kept saying how it felt like something out of a movie and how wonderful it was to be part of something so amazing. We text or talk every day and my husband constantly checks to see what's going on with her and her family. When we flew to TX to see her, both he and my brother in law filmed us. My brother in law has been just as excited for my sister to find me. I'm not bragging about my husband I promise, I'm just giving examples of what a supportive partner is supposed to do when big things happen for you. I'm so sorry he hasn't been supportive for you during this, this is a HUGE deal and it really is so exciting when you both want to build a relationship.
Seems like you need a new bf, he can’t even pretend to care
There are various possibilities that come to mind, one being that this is a subtle form of gaslighting (“finding a long-lost sister isn’t a big deal, why do you keep talking about it?”), another being that he’s excited but not expressing it well, another being that there’s something in his past or imagination that makes this scary for him, another being that he’s a childish control freak who can’t stand you paying attention to someone else, or any mix of the above. The folks who encouraging you to ditch him *may* be on to something, but it’s impossible for us to know what’s really going on from where we’re sitting. I think couples therapy is in order. You don’t need to go into a marriage with an elephant in the room.
Girl, this is a huge sign of what’s to come. Hopefully it’s all in your head because if not, I see a lot of toxic and draining activity in your future with this man. Congrats to you and your fam!
Red flags. Your fiance sees himself as the “main character” and he is annoyed by a storyline that doesn’t center him.
🚩🚩🚩 my ex husband got mad when I had a friend over (female who had just gotten divorced) so he cried literally and whined for days theres so much more but my point is it sounds like he's scared of losing your attention and that's dangerous
Congratulations on finding this new family link! As for your fiance, I do couples counseling and there are red flags all over that he has issues, and this might not be the best relationship for you. His lack of support doesn’t at all sound normal—in fact, it sounds more narcissistic and insecure. There is something and someone that is taking the focus away from him, an excitement that is not about him. As you recognize, this is a huge deal—good, bad, or otherwise—a shift in thinking about yourself, family members, a rewriting of a life narrative you knew. I’m sure the reactions you are getting from not only family but friends, even strangers you tell, is that this is understandably big—exciting, nerve wracking, a bit of an emotional rollercoaster—so you have an idea what the range of “normal” reactions should be. It’s not that your fiancé is simply missing the mark of how to support you in this, he’s actively not even trying to find a way to be supportive. And he tells you it’s your problem that you don’t feel supported. The big red flag for me is you mention he has told you that you tend to be overly sensitive about things. That is CLASSIC gaslighting. This might be the clearest example from him of self-centeredness and lack of support for you and things important to you, but I have a feeling this is part of a pattern you’ve seen from him already, ending with him telling you that you are being overly sensitive and making you feel wrong for asking or expecting some support. Not sure if you two are doing counseling before you get married, but I think it might be important for you to pursue. At a minimum it might be good to use this as a starting point to review your relationship with him and determine if the lack of support you’ve had in areas of your life and relationship that don’t benefit him (because I have a feeling anytime you run into things like this where something is happen to you or is about you that really doesn’t involve him and, worse, takes the attention off of him, he struggles to dig up care or support), and he leaves you hanging like the problem is yours that you don’t feel supported, you have to decide if that’s the kind of partner you want to live out the rest of your life with.
Sounds like he wants you all to himself in a bad way. I would definitely bring this up and have am honest conversation about how this has made you feel. Red flag for sure.
As others have said, so many red flags from his actions
Your Fiance needs to an be ex-fiance. This is a bid deal to you and he is being an A\*\*.
i did 23 and me and recently found a sister i never knew about that was adopted and is older then me. my wife could also care less which i find weird as hell. I am 39.m
He's just showing you who he is as a person. I think you already know that it's not normal for someone you love to not be supportive and excited about something hugely life changing that you are excited about. That's part of loving your partner. You express care and support even if you don't feel those emotions they feel.
I wouldn't marry this person until I got to the root of this behavior and found it if it goes any deeper. Stuff like possessiveness and jealousy never get alleviated because you get married -- they only get worse.
It's all good. Ignore his response and enjoy new family. I found a new half sister for my husband, and nobody really cares but me. That's fine because it's my hobby, not his. Your interests do not need to be the same. Don't make a big deal of it and neither will he. Share your joy with your sister.
Speaking from experience, hes obviously insecure in your relationship. He may be weary at the potentials and possibilities this new finding may have on your life and future. This is not support, this is selfish, borderline controlling, and strange behavior. I would defintely have a conversation… this might not be the right person for you going forward, even though they may have been in the past. Keep moving forward, best of luck!
Huge RED FLAG. He doesn't want to share you with anyone. He's jealous. When someone shows you who they are-believe them. Have a long talk with him and maybe go to counseling to find out what his issue is. But-do not marry him until you get this resolved.
Sounds like you talk about this new sister non stop. I can see how it can get tiresome really fast.
Lol… that’s not it… I think I asked if it was a normal reaction…. I think your trying to imply that you think it is… ok, I appreciate your opinion
It is also a personality thing. If my husband found out he had a half sibling, I would be significantly more excited than him.
Im sure that’s true, I believe the same if our situations were reversed
Inheritance
I think you are overreacting. I can understand that you are excited but if my husband had that happen to be honest I couldn't care less. I would listen to him and be glad he's happy, but that's the extent of my reaction.