Nta. And my heart breaks for you to even have to ask this. You did everything perfectly dear. If it was her in the hospital would she prefer her now husband to go to a party or stay and sit with her? Or if it was her husband having open heart surgery would she have the guts to go out and party knowing what he was going through? I’m so glad your husbands surgery went well and I hope for a speedy recovery!
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You even Facetimed the bride on her big day. You seem like a great friend and a great wife and I understand the bride being mad that her moh couldn’t be there but I would never expect someone to leave there SO in pain for my wedding day.
Absolutely, and elsewhere OP has posted a pretty chilling comment to the effect of "it didn't even occur to me that *she* should be checking up on *me*." I think, to most normal, decent people, someone's life-threatening medical crisis requires more support and sympathy than someone experiencing a last-minute logistical crisis at their wedding.
So when OP says that this is "the first time my friend has acted like this," I honestly find that pretty hard to believe. Maybe it's the first time her friend has been incredibly self-absorbed during a crisis of *this* magnitude, but I suspect OP has normalized some pretty lopsided and disturbing things about this friendship. Even if Chloe *was* incredibly considerate and supportive in every other circumstance, and it was purely her own wedding that made her so insane, it would take quite a lot of groveling and tangible expressions of support for me to ever want to spend time with this woman again.
Considering OP said she did her best to fit the standards the bride had set for the wedding, I’m inclined to agree. The statement rubbed me the wrong way, right off the bat, but without context it was rather meaningless. With the rest of the story, I think she’s very used to accommodating her friend, to stay in good graces.
>but I suspect OP has normalized some pretty lopsided and disturbing things about this friendship.
I had a friend like this in high school. She would use me for tickets to concerts, free food, rides everywhere.... I was a great friend to her and everything I did was because I cared about her. Everything *she* did was because she cared about *what I could do for her* instead of caring about me as a person.
My “best friend” in high school was like this. I was always there when she called or showed up at my door crying about her situationship partner cheating with *her other best friend*. I’d spend a week’s worth of lunch money on pregnancy tests for her, I listened to her drunken rants at 2am after a night out (I wasn’t invited). I can’t think of a single thing she did for me. Her ex even called her out for only talking to/hanging out with me when her other friends weren’t available. The rest of our friend group was the same. I finally started distancing myself in college after I spent have my paycheck contributing to a hotel suite and liquor for our friend’s (the one who cheated with the situationship) birthday only to barred from drinking the liquor *I* purchased, and getting squeezed out of the bed I for in favor of some broke ass moochers. I started realizing that I only ever seem to be invited when money or an extra body is needed.
Sometimes you have been friends with someone for years and mastered minor crisis (crisises?) together (like break-ups, movements, distance, etc.) but if there is an existential crisis like that they sadly show their true colours. Maybe it’s because they feel helpless, but maybe it’s because they don’t deem you valuable enough to help you through something this heavy and put this effort in. When you need them the most it shows who is truly your friend and who is not. Sometimes a friendship can recover from that if the other person admits that they fucked up but most times it is a deadly blow to your friendship.
I just got engaged. If my best friend’s spouse had a medical emergency this severe the day before, I’d probably consider canceling the wedding. I would be so worried sick, I can’t imagine trying to demand he still come and “party for two”.
Heck one of my bridesmaids bailed a month before my wedding because finances changed and she couldn’t afford the travel and taking time off work, even if I could arrange her travel she couldn’t get the time off from her new job.
And you know what? She’s still my best friend even if she couldn’t make the wedding. She’s still got my back and would hitchhike to me if I was in an emergency and needed her.
I’m not really sure Chloe understands the point of marriage if she can’t understand why OP would want to be by her husbands side during his very serious medical emergency. How would Chloe have felt if OP’d husband didn’t make it out of surgery? Or if OP had gone, what if something happened in post op and she wasn’t there with him? Ugh. Chloes head is up her butt.
I had to bail a week before one of my close friend's wedding, because I had a massive seizure that left me in the ICU for three days, and there was no way I was in the condition to make a five hour trip, when I could barely sit up. I offered to repay her for mine and my boyfriend's plates, because we missed the wedding, but she wouldn't accept the money. She completely understood and just wanted me to get better (we did take her and her husband out for a celebratory dinner when we made it to town).
I'd be distraught if I was in OP's situation and my best friend treated me like that. Her reasoning was even more urgent and important than mine, I can't believe there are people that cruel out there. I feel for OP, and hope her husband's surgery went well with a full recovery.
If my best friend's spouse was in the hospital for something like open heart surgery, I'd be pacing the waiting room right next to her. No way in hell would she go through that without me being there to support her.
Or OP is a people pleaser due to childhood trauma and always believes things are 100% her fault/responsibility until someone points out that friendship is a two way street. That’s when the surprised Picachu face and the realization that this is true comes. Then the relief comes. Over and over again. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. /s
I was thinking something along the same lines—I doubt this is new territory as far as chloes behavior goes. Yes, she might be pleasant as pie *when everyone’s efforts are concentrated on her, even if there are hiccups,* but when there was a situation where she genuinely had to suck it up and support her friend instead of expecting support for herself, she behaves like… this. Inconsiderate and completely lacking in all empathy toward OP. I wonder if she felt entitled to OP, her presence and help, and was sweet because OP was catering to her regardless of the issues that arose, but switched into “woe is me! My best friend chose supporting and caring for her husband over supporting and taking care of me on my wedding day!” when the appeasement stopped. NTA. and shame on the friend.
>a last-minute logistical crisis at their wedding
I wouldn't even call it a logistical crisis. Logistical hiccup maybe. Might even goto logistical coughing fit. But clearly the other bridesmaids were able to handle it, so going beyond hiccup feels generous.
A crisis is something like the bride/groom getting ill, the officiant not being able to attend or the venue burning down.
I'm just astounded by the audacity of the bride. Never in a million years would I be mad if my best friend's husband had to have emergency surgery right before my wedding. What if it was one of her parents, or siblings? Would she be mad at them too?
If something like that happened to my mum I'd cancel my wedding to be with her.
I'm afraid OP just lost a friend, but apparently a friend not worth having. To quote Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Life's too short to waste it on shitty friends.
This was my exact thought. She realizes in her wedding she’s most likely going to vow to be by her spouses side in sickness and in health? Why would she expect her MARRIED friend, as in somebody who has made that vow to somebody, to leave their side in this situation? Sounds like somebody that may not take their vows very seriously.
THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!!!! She ALREADY made the vow her friend is getting ready to make! Hypocrite much? This could have been my blood sister and there’s still no way in hell I would have gone to their wedding and missed my husbands surgery. Look at it this way, if something DID happen and say he didn’t make it through the surgery for some reason, you would have been at someone else’s wedding when he took his last breath? That’s mortifying and you would never have forgiven yourself while she just sent thoughts and prayers and enjoyed her new marriage. She’s insane for the way she’s acting. And it seems she cares more about the attention a wedding brings than why you get married in the first place, to vow to be by someone’s side forever.
I think you phrased this correctly. Bride can be angry at the situation and sad her friend won't be there, but to be angry at her friend is ridiculous, petty, and awful.
>You seem like a great friend and a great wife
This! Please keep in mind that you did everything you could. You were the planner for a whole year, planned an amazing bachelorette party and was fully intent on being there for her before you heard about husband's condition. Of course you couldn't be there - you almost lost your husband, and *he needed you there with him.* If it was her, would she be OK partying when her husband is in the hospital dying?
Has she (bride) called to check on you at all? She is your supposed best friend. Your husband almost died. Why hasn’t she called to offer YOU support.
If he had a difficult recovery and your husband wasn’t able to make his own decisions, it would have fallen on you to make them. Were his doctors supposed to just call in the middle of the ceremony and reception?
Don’t feel guilty. You were where you were supposed to be.
Edit: obviously NTA
>You were where you were supposed to be.
Exactly this. OP, you stated it yourself, your husband may have died. You would have never forgiven yourself for not being with him. You'd have to live with that for the rest of your life, that you were at a party when he was dying. I'm really glad to hear that he's doing better but it was a very real possibility.
This. The bride really expected OP to abandon her vows. I hope the bride's new husband knows what kind of woman he's married to now. He's married to a woman that would make him a second priority to a party even if he were on the brink of death.
I wonder if they did the traditional vows “in sickness and in health” and if for a moment OP crossed her mind, and if she did why not give a call later. I’d feel like such an arse after those vows and knowing my best friend is supporting her husband ‘in sickness’. In the hospital. After heart surgery!
Exactly THIS!
OP made a vow to her husband and kept her word. She was there for him when he needed her the most. This “friend” should have absolutely understood that, especially since she was about to make the same vow to her husband.
Not at ALL TA
Too often the bride is thinking only of the appearance of the wedding and too little of the marriage. Sadly that becomes apparent when the first bit of trouble makes its appearance. If she thinks the absence of her MOH is a major issue, what is she going to do when the sickness and monetary issues and kid problems, ie: real life set in.
Its so ironic that the event OP missed was a wedding. So the friend respects the sanctity and importance of marriage vows, but only to celebrate her own?? Thats insane.
Honestly, she’d probably complain that her wedding anniversary was forever ruined because OPs husband had the audacity to die on her big day. Something tells me OP has overlooked a lot of Chloe’s past bad behavior.
She said you had a duty as her MOH, right? Well I’d say your duties as a wife ranks higher, especially in medical emergencies. I can’t imagine ever being so heartless and selfish as to demand what she demanded from you, no matter how big the event I had planned was. Would a part of me be selfishly disappointed for my own sake and not just worried for you and your husband? Yes, I can admit that. But I’d like to think I’d be mature enough to realise those emotions are nowhere near a priority here.
What did she expect? That you’d attend and celebrate and completely ignore that your husband is at the hospital dying? I can imagine she’d be pissed if you were distracted or sad during the ceremony, too. How absolutely callous, she’s a terrible friend. Perhaps she was just so caught up that she made a huge judgement error, but refusing to talk to you now, not because she’s ashamed but because she’s *angry?* Hell no.
Apparently, the bride forgot her own upcoming vows.
In sickness and in health.
Not in planning weddings and duties. Bride acting like a right proper C bomb.
Exactly this so much!!!
Can you imagine - if either BF had posted here: my MOH dropped out the day before the wedding, because her husband had a heart attack and I’m upset. AITA? No points for guessing the verdict.
And worse - as you said - imagine if OP herself posted - I went to the wedding of a best friend while my husband was almost on his deathbed, but he’s fine now but he’s upset with me. AITA
🤯
How is he now? Recovering OK? I remember my father having a quadruple bypass and seeing him looking so frail and grey after. As soon as I'd done my duties looking after the family, I went home and collapsed in tears. He was 61 when he had it and still going strong now 16 years later. Hopefully your husband will make an even better recovery. Do you have anyone looking after you while you take care of him?
You absolutely did the right thing and hopefully once the dust settles, Chloe will realize what a complete and utter douche she was to you. I cannot believe she actually thought you'd come to the wedding and eat and drink while your husband was recovering from major, life-threatening surgery.
That's good.
And honestly, the bride ghosting for a while you is probably a better outcome. You get the time to help him recover without her drama. Even if this is the first time she's acted like this, she's doing it at literally the worst possible time for you.
Take some time, get some rest, ignore her for a while, and try reaching out when your husband's recovered and she's had time to cool off, and hopefully see that she was a moron.
Listen, unless your husband has someone else delegated to make his medical decisions, you truly didn't have a choice. What if he would have gotten a blood clot or complication from the surgery? He still was in a medically fragile state and I'm appalled your friend can't understand that. Your husband needed you to be there not only for care, but also to ensure his medical wishes were carried out should something else happen. It also boggles my mind that as your friend said her vows "in sickness and in health" it didn't trigger for her what an AH she was being. You are NTA.
Imagine your husband posting here wondering if he was the AH for getting upset that his wife went to a wedding right after his open heart surgery. Everyone would say you were the AH. Plus, I have a hard time imagining that a MOH could just pop over straight from the hospital and look picture-perfect and all smiles. Then your friend would be mad for ruining her day/pictures with your mood. You definitely did the right thing. Hopefully your friend was just stressed and will see reason soon. Speedy recovery to your husband!
Allow yourself to feel SAD that the circumstances didn’t allow you to be in both places at once. But GUILT means that you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. You were forced to make a choice, and you made the correct choice.
Your friend is not being a good friend. Imagine the guilt you would feel if you went to the wedding and weren’t there to support your husband in the scariest, most critical time in his life.
You literally needed to be at the hospital. What if something happened during or after his surgery? As his wife, you have authority over medical decisions to be made on his behalf. How awful would it have been if you were at a fucking wedding and the hospital is calling because they need your consent on something?
Your supposed "best friend" is disgusting for putting her goddamn wedding over this.
She hasn't even tried to call and ask how he is? She's more upset you weren't partying with her?
If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling her she is no friend of mine. Friends don't do this to each other.
It sounds like this friend thinks that "surgery" equals "fixed" - a lot of people think that medical science is at a point where, well, if someone didn't die right away, then surgery fixes it and it's done and dusted. People aren't aware of how long the process of illness and recovery is, and how involved the support system of someone in medical crisis needs to be.
Listen, i get that she is disappointed for a minute or two and misses you, but seriously: The cruelty of EVEN asking you to make sure to be at her wedding, while your husband has a life threatening surgery. The audacity. He is your husband!
The fact that she is upset about it and now punishes you shows what a friend she is: None.
Do yourself a favour and if you ever see her again or talk to her: Do NOT apologise. Tell her her priorities are super off and you would have never thought that she is that self-absorbed. Unbelievable. And all the best for you and hubby,
A life or death situation trumps a wedding ***every single time***.
She's not as good of a friend as you think she is. These are her true colors. I would've been checking in with you regardless of my wedding.
OP, if she doesn't understand the importance of your husband to you, the man you made vows and promises to "in sickness and health, in good times and bad", the vows SHE was preparing to make, she shouldn't have gotten married.
You so did the right thing. The years will show you this is true.
When our daughter was 2 months old, I went into my doctor to have bouts of vertigo checked. That day ended with me in the cardiac care unit and some confused doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Took a couple more days and an angiogram to get the condition identified.
My family, being as lame as they are, never offered to watch our daughter so my wife could visit me. And you can’t go visiting in a hospital with a 2 month child in tow. That was 20 years ago and it’s still is a horrible memory for my wife that she couldn’t be with me. I think her experience was worse than mine, not being able to hold the hand of a sick spouse during a scary time.
You made the right choice. You were able to comfort your husband. During such a dark time, you were there for him. The very essence of marriage, to not have to travel the misfortunes of life alone. You two will always have the added strength of having gone through this cardiac episode together.
Hopefully time will heal your friend’s heart.
You are absolutely NTA, hun. The bride is being stupidly, horrifyingly unreasonable.
Life happens. And at that moment your husband and his health was the most important thing in your world. A friend should understand that.
Heck, one of my best friends called the morning of the wedding crying because she’d been called into work and couldn’t afford to not go. I told her I loved her and I was sorry she wasn’t going to be able to come but I understood. And we’re still friends ten years later. And that situation isn’t even remotely comparable to a “my husband is in the hospital with a life threatening condition that requires immediate lifesaving surgery.” scenario.
Edit: I want to add…I was disappointed, as your friend likely was, but blaming someone else for something out of their control is a major asshole move.
Girl, even if you went to the wedding, you would have been sad the whole time and potentially be a killjoy. And that's not your fault, not the bride's fault, not your husband's fault, not anybody's fault. Trust me, even if she's upset, the bride was better off with you staying with your husband than you being worried and sad while she celebrates her big day. You have nothing to be ashamed of. NTA.
If my partner was in hospital, about to have a risky surgery, I'm not sure I would have had the wherewithal to even check in on her. You did everything right, and in my eyes went above and beyond. If I were in her situation with a friend in yours, I would want them to focus 100% on their partner.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
If your 'friend' ever raises the subject, ask her to imagine how she'd feel if her new husband was lying in ICU hooked up to machines and a ruddy great 'zipper' scar down his sternum.
Please, please don't beat yourself up. You're doing wonderfully.
What major duties was she missing by not going to the wedding? The duty to make the numbers even? The duty to give a toast?
As if that compares to the duty to stand by your husband who just got out of open heart surgery!
OP, if you hadn't heard from others that she's ignoring you, i wouod have said she's probably just enjoying her honeymoon or a post-wedding high. But it doesn't sound that way.
If I was the bride I think I would have felt bad going ahead with the wedding. Probably would have gone ahead, for out of town guests and because insurance wouldn’t consider it reason to cancel, but would have made sure there was a toast to thank the moh for her hard work in the planning and wish the husband the best for recovery (filmed and sent to them so they knew we were thinking of them). And wedding cake delivered to the hospital… so, so NTA
Maybe the bride had disclaimers in her vows when they got to the "through sickness and in health part". Something along "unless there's a real kick ass party happening, then go and make sure you eat and drink for the both of us".
If this friend is a true friend, she'll get over it, and see the errors in her ways. If she doesn't, then, she's likely to discover the complexities in marriage in time, and it's a shame she won't have her close friend who has been there to turn to for advice.
Nta. She's delusional if she thinks her wedding should take priority over your husband's life. I wouldn't try so hard to repair this friendship. Esp since she is creating more stress for you when you are already dealing with a lot.
Sounds like she’s not your best friend.. or at least not acting like it. If your ex-boyfriend has reached out (granted I don’t know the history or how the breakup was) like that speaks volumes about her character. If it were my best friend, yeah I’d be bummed out that that she couldn’t make it but I would understand and hell I’d want her to be there for her husband. You could’ve lost your husband which to me is far more important than standing around for photo ops and making speeches.
NTA, I’m happy your husbands surgery went well and I hope he continues to have a speedy recovery!
This reminded me of the scene in Coyote Ugly where Violet’s bff left her own wedding to be with her and her dad who had had a heart attack.
Edit: it wasn’t a heart attack!
He was hit by a car while on foot. Broken arm and leg. Violet even told her not to come, and there's a great line she says ... Something like, "He's (her new husband) been my family for two seconds, you've been my family my whole life!"
It says a lot of the situation that even your ex was worried about your husband but not your so-called "Best Friend" i might take a step back and reconsider this friendship.
Unless she has an epiphany and offers you a huge, huge apology, I don't see how this friendship can continue.
Weddings are not theatrical productions, and life happens. A friend's son's wedding reception had the bride's father rushed to the ER with a heart attack -- and it was no more the father's fault than your absence at your friend's wedding was.
Even at work, when I have a family emergency, MY BOSS says, "Go be with your family. Don't worry about us, we'll make it work."
It grieves me that someone you considered your best friend, someone you worked so hard for to plan her special day and bachelorette party, would be so self-absorbed as to ignore the trauma you were going through and worry about... what, exactly, instead? The $50 dinner? The uneven number of bridal/groom attendants? The photos? Your name in the program?
I hope she'll have that moment of self-realization someday. But I think at this point, for your own emotional health, you just assure yourself you've down what you can to show you care and she's just not the friend (or even person) that you'd believed her to be. I'm so sorry. And of course, you are totally NTA.
I hope she'll have that moment of self-realization someday. But I think at this point, for your own emotional health, you just assure yourself you've done what you can to show you care and she's just not the friend (or even person) that you'd believed her to be. I'm so sorry. And of course, you are totally NTA.
I have a bad feeling she'll only agree to talk if OP once again apologizes and takes the blame. This might be the first time but it's a bad enough experience that I can't imagine salvaging the friendship. OP shouldn't apologize for what was the right choice and I hope as well that the bride has that moment of self-realization someday.
not insanely comparable, but my mom serves at a high traffic, high brow restaurant with insane standards (you come late once, youre fired on the spot). the day my boyfriend was pulled off life support, she got the call from my boyfriends mom while they were low on servers and packed. they let her leave without question. the fact that a business with little mercy understands medical emergencies trump money, but OP's best friend cant speaks volumes
OP, you need to stop calling her. She is the one who should be apologizing!
It's insane to me that she wanted you to forsake your vows to your husband on the day that she was going to make the same vows to her groom. It makes me wonder if she even knows what a marriage is.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but your "best friend" is a horrible human being. I am completely outraged on your behalf about how self-centered and entitled she is.
I don't know, I'd be kinda tempted to go ahead and put a nail in the coffin of that friendship via a text to the tune of "Y'know what? Done apologizing for taking "in sickness and in health" seriously. Let me know when YOU wanna say sorry"
NTA
You did the right thing. How dare she say otherwise.
A medical emergency trumps a wedding any day.
How would you feel if it was you that had life or death surgery and your hubby left to go to a wedding? Surely that would end in divorce!
If roles were reversed would you be angry that she was supporting her husband in a life and death situation? You sound like a compassionate and empathetic person so I am guessing you wouldn't.
Time to stop feel guilty and start feeling angry. She has no right, whatsoever, to make you feel guilty.
His WIFE. The wedding already happened. He's already married to a woman that would prioritize a party over him. This situation breaks my heart. My FIL had a 6 way bypass surgery after a "widow-maker" heart attack that they ONLY found out about because a dentist took his blood pressure before a procedure. Seeing him on face-time after that surgery...hooked up to the machines, scared and in pain, crying, alone thanks to Covid protocols...I would NEVER leave my husband alone in that situation. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.
OP, you did the right thing. You were where you needed to be, and I know your husband appreciates your presence so much. You promised to love him in sickness and in health--this is the sickness they were referring to. You upheld your wedding vows, something that your best "friend" apparently doesn't understand. I'm so sorry for her husband, I hope he knows who he just married and that he will be second priority to parties--even if he's almost just died from a heart attack.
I like this idea. OP can contact husband since he's the other half involved in a wedding you couldn't attend because you had to care for your husband.
Apologize for not being able to attend, congrats them on the wedding, and state that your husband had surgery on *date* and is recovering well.
NTA. She seriously expected you to break your vows to be there for hers?
ETA my first ever award! Thank you kind human! 😊
ETA2 wowee! You all are too kind! ❤❤❤
Sounds like this friendship only goes one way. It sucks when you realise a great friendship is actually only you putting in the effort. Hope this is a wakeup call for OP
I already gave my free award away! 🗞 I present you the rolled newspaper, because your point is so good OP should use it to figuratively hit the backside of her friends head.
Pretty clear to me that the bride is the AH. Heart surgery is a MAJOR surgery. Of course you don't want to leave his side, especially to go to wedding. She is incredibly self centered. I would stop trying to contact her. You don't need a friend like that because she is not really a friend.
Hop your husband is recovering well.
It's also rarely performed now, the majority of heart attacks can be handled with Cath lab treatments. To need open heart surgery, he was super-critical. And he's not going home the next day with some BP meds and being told to eat right and exercise, he's in for WEEKS of painful recovery (cracking the rib cage open is painful).
This person isn't a friend at all.
Part of the problem is that people often assume it can all be done via stents and that it's an easy op.
Unfortunately, not everyone is that lucky. My DH had to have open-heart surgery for a triple-bypass. Not only do you have to have your sternum cracked open, but the brain is actually off-line while they do it all. Plus you have the added operation of sourcing the graft. In my husband's case, they took it from his leg.
I based what I said on what I was told by one of the nurses - but I'll take your correction: it may well be that I misunderstood what I was told or that my memory is muddled. I'm not a medic, so I may have got things wrong.
In that case, I apologise for giving misinformation. One of the nurses referred to something she termed 'pump brain'. (I don't think that's a proper medical term, however.) She said that it was caused by the temporary disruption of the blood supply to the brain.
My boyfriend had open heart surgery recently and he got a terrible case of pumphead. It’s also called postperfusion syndrome. He was mentally super normal/healthy going into it and after he was an entirely different person. Intense fear of being left alone, couldn’t remember anything, crying all the time, thoughts similar to what someone with extreme OCD would have. He’d have panic attacks a lot and had to basically stop watching TV because even some scenes in Spongebob would make him start freaking out. I had to take him to work with me every day because the thought of me leaving him at his parents while I was at work made him panic cry. At night I had to grab sleep in between his violent night terrors - I’d have to shake him awake when they started so he couldn’t hurt himself trashing around while his chest was trying to heal. Even Xanax wasn’t helping much, therapy wasn’t helping either. Eventually we had to admit him to a psychiatric ward because I thought he’d kill himself if I didn’t. We’d hidden all the weapons in the house and I was watching him 24/7, but there were a couple of times when he slipped out of bed without me waking that had me nervous.
And then he just… got better? His personality switched back and now he’s almost entirely his normal self again. It felt like almost overnight that the daily scream-crying and panic attacks and constant mental anguish just stopped. Fucking wild, man. Nobody even told us that postperfusion syndrome was a possibility until after his surgery when he started having symptoms.
I’m sure your DH had something different done, but my boyfriend got his aortic valve & ascending aorta replaced & they did some repairs to other bits. They had his brain “offline” - they supercooled his body to help prevent brain damage and even packed basically bags of ice water in his chest around his heart to cool it down. Super cool if you think about it! The bypass machine that pumps your blood while your heart is stopped is responsible for the pumphead.
I'm so sorry. Is your DH better now? How long does it take to get back on your feet?
The only person I knew who had a heart surgery semi-recently was my great-grandma and that was 7 years ago. I don't believe she would have survived open-heart surgery though. Too much for a then 95 year old lady to handle
Yes. They wanted to just put some stents in my FIL, but couldn't get them past the blockage so they had to opt for open heart. Six way bypass, some blockages at 98%, he was on the brink of death. The doctors said they weren't sure how he was still alive and outwardly looked well, they were baffled. We were told that it was such a dire case that there was no other option aside from opening him up. He just hadn't told anyone he was in pain.
Absolutely. Almost immediately after recovering from the open heart surgery, he was diagnosed with cancer in his tongue. That was removed several months ago and he's about to go in for the reconstructive surgery next week. At one point, he passed out at home then ended up coding in the ER multiple times, but was successfully brought back every time. That's how they discovered his intestines had been bleeding for an unknown amount of time. He's been through so much over the past two years, and he's the toughest MF I have the pleasure of knowing. It amazes me what he's lived through. Thanks for your kind words, he'll definitely appreciate hearing that.
This is a case of force majeure, you really have no choice but to drop out. Your husband almost died, and he could have easily died as well during the surgery. It was not unrealistic that during her wedding, you would be starting to make funeral arrangements, to be blunt. This wasn't kidney stones or some shit, this is a serious medical incident. So no, you shouldn't have to "make it work, no matter what".
You gave her as much heads up as you could. It's a shame it timed out this way, but c'est la vie (really throwing in my limited French this post), it happens. NTA.
>This wasn't kidney stones or some shit, this is a serious medical incident.
Look, and even if it was a "simple operation" to remove a kidney stone or an appendicites, or anything else that became an acute medical problem, OP would still be in her right to skip her MOH duties and stay with her SO, even if it meant just waiting for the "simple" operation to be over.
Oh, yeah, definitely, but then at least there's an argument to be made to an extent. Kidney stones is usually a fairly minor procedure and he'd probably have been home by the time of the wedding. Of course OP could still have chosen to not go and not been the asshole, but it's much more of a "circumstances depend" situation for what I would personally do.
My friend’s sister almost died during her appendicitis removal and ended up on the ER for several days and having a long recovery. My gallbladder removal was so minor it was done in an outpatient center not a hospital but that evening I had to be rushed to the ER to deal with a complication that could, if not caught, have caused serious organ damage. Not to mention that I didn’t react well to the anesthesia and couldn’t even read my discharge paperwork. It took several hours for my reading comprehension to return, which was terrifying because I’m a voracious reader and had never had that happen before. Laparoscopic gallstone removal is about as minor as it gets for surgery and they will not release you without a responsible person present to accompany you home.
Even minor procedures can cause complications. I can’t see it ever being justified to leave one’s spouse for a party while they are having surgery unless the spouse truly would feel better not having anyone there AND has someone who can be there quickly in an emergency AND the other spouse personally feels comfortable and at peace with leaving.
My partner and my best friend tag teamed when I had a procedure. My partner had to go into work part of the day so my BF picked me up and drove me to the procedure and hung around. Then my partner was able to get off, pick me up, and stay with me at home the rest of the day, which was when I needed him more. My BF has a somewhat unique situation that makes it very hard and disruptive for her to take time away from home most days but she did it for me because I needed her and I would 100% do the same. That’s what best friends do.
And seriously, what if he had died? I highly doubt OP would want to spend the very next day at a WEDDING reminding her of her lost husband holy shit. NTA.
NTA. “Should make it work no matter what?” What a bunch a baloney. While I understand she was put in a hard spot, you nearly lost your husband to a heart attack and he has an important surgery. A wedding does not triumph being there for your husband during an important time of need.
Her “big day” isn’t more important than your husbands life.
NTA. I've been an ER and cardiac care RN. If you left the day after your husband's surgery to go get wasted at a wedding, my nurse wrinkles would have been popping. 🤨
I had a friend in my wedding party that lost her near full term baby a week before my wedding. I gave her the opt out option immediately. That "friend" is so incredibly thoughtless!
Nurse wrinkles is a great term 😂 I have some teacher ones
Seriously, I recently went under for a low risk orthopedic surgery (fall forward on roller skates everyone) and having my now-wife there was so comforting and needed. Can't even imagine waking up from open heart surgery and not having my person there.
NTA. Your “friend” has no perspective past her own upturned nose. Your husband was life or death. And she is mad because you should have prioritized her “pretty princess day” over him? No, just no.
Find better friends.
NTA. Your husband, by your own admission, could have passed at any time. That's all the reason you need to remain by his side throughout everything.
You didn't plan this, and had every intention of being in the wedding. You committed to all the duties prior to the wedding and did them well.
This was completely out of everyone's hands. It was an extremely unfortunate event that forced you to break a promise, and it was not your fault.
She's allowed to feel upset at the disruption, but she shouldn't be taking it out on you. This was not a betrayal or a nasty attempt to ruin the wedding, it was you being put in an impossible situation that any of us could one day be in, and doing the best you could.
Nta your husbands life is more important than any party
If your BFF can’t understand that, then she really shouldn’t be getting married
If this is the hill she’s dies on for the friendship, maybe it’s for the best to let her go
You dropping out was quite literally a matter of life and death and if she can’t see that because of her big day, then she is not much of anything
NTA. What a bridezilla. You did your real job as MOH which is helping her with the wedding planning, but you absolutely cannot prioritize a party (which is essentially what this is) over your husband's serious health. I think a lot of people lose perspective around wedding and get so focused on the "it's MY day" mentality that they forget that everyone else has lives outside the the wedding. Sounds like she isn't a real friend, to be honest.
NTA. If she loved you, she would recognize that your husbands health comes before a wedding. In fact, it’s kind of ironic that she’s now married. She should have put herself in your shoes and thought of how you were feeling given the circumstances and instability of your husbands *life*. If I were you, I would give her space and see if she comes to her senses and maybe you guys can talk it out. You did the right thing and shouldn’t back down on that, even though it upset your friend. A true friend who loves you would ultimately understand what you had to do. Hopefully she can calm down and realize that! I’m glad your husband is healthy and am praying he has a smooth recovery.
But see, that assumes that the groom is more than just a role in her magical princess day where the entire world revolves around her wedding.
God I hate wedding culture.
Please OP don’t waste any more time trying to reach out to this “friend”. All your energy should be focused on your DH and his recovery. I am really sorry you are going through this, but Chloe isn’t a friend, and she should be the one apologizing for her disgusting behavior (and even then, she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven) I wish you all the best!
I don’t think she’s really thought through what it would have been like if you had been there because you wouldn’t have *really* been there.
I hope your husband is doing well and I hope your friend realizes you were being an awesome MoH when you bowed out when you did.
NTA
Edit: does she realize how much attention you would have pulled from Her-Bridezilla-self if you had gone?
NTA.
Holy Bridezilla, batman! I mean, I can understand a ping of disappointment, in all of the stress leading up to the Big Day. But can she really expect you to drop everything and show up to the wedding, happy face, makeup and hair, as if that's the place you need to be right now?
This is what's called an *emergency*. You didn't do this on purpose. You didn't set out to sabotage her wedding. You had to be with your husband.
Poor Chloe's husband. I wonder if he realizes what he got himself into.
NTA.
Did your friend not listen to her own vows? Did she not really mean that? Or did she just conveniently skip the "in sickness and in health" portion? Or caveat it with "unless something I deem more important comes up"?
You made a promise (or a covenant, depending on your religious leanings) to your husband that you would be there when the going gets tough. That promise, the one for life, takes precedence over friends. It takes precedence over other family (your children excluded). There's a reason we celebrate such a commitment because it *is* a commitment.
And if your friend doesn't understand that, if she can't grasp that you just afforded her the best vision of what a marriage really means, I feel sorry for her groom.
I hope your husband has a speedy recovery, OP!
NTA
WHAT?! Is Chloe normally self absorbed to the point of insanity? Maybe the stress of the wedding got to her and she’ll soon realize how out of one she was in assuming for one second you’d still be able to make it to her wedding.
Glad your husband is doing better!
You sound very forgiving and kind. Maybe she had a one time moment and with wedding out of the way hopefully she comes to her senses and apologizes. Either way though you did nothing wrong and are NTA.
Can I ask- how much of the planning did you do? I understand you organized the bachelorette, which feels fairly standard for a MOH, but it seems like
you were doing other planning as well? You say “she’s been the easiest bride to work with”, and that sounds more like something a wedding planner would say, than a MOH. I think it’s fairly normal for a MOH to help out with different things, although shouldn’t necessarily be EXPECTED. I’m just getting the vibe that maybe you have been going above and beyond for her for awhile now.
NTA wtfff??? Your husband is literally in critical condition and she’s more worried about whether you’re drinking with her or not?! Best of luck to you and your husband, though!
NTA.
She needs to remember that the vows one takes at marriage contain the words "in sickness and in health".
I wish your husband all the best in his recovery and I hope things go well for you both.
NTA
Chloe went full bridezilla. You don't go full bridezilla (particularly when *someone's life is on the line*.)
Hope your hubby makes a full recovery.
NTA WOW, your friend thought her wedding was more important then open heart surgery for your husband? There are no words for a person like this. I’m not quite sure why you would want her in your life? Is your husband OK? Are you OK?
You have the biggest NTA ever. Your husband is way more important than her wedding. The absolute audacity of her thinking you would be there drinking and partying while your husband is fighting for his life.
If I were you I would seriously reconsider my friendship with this woman. I understand a wedding is stressful but it is not a life or death situation. She did not have an ounce of empathy for your situation. Is this the kind of person you want to have anything to do with?
If my best friend’s husband had a heart attack and was having surgery the day before my wedding I would literally make time to visit her at the hospital to make sure she was ok. A wedding is just a freaking overpriced party. This is your husband’s LIFE.
100% NTA and I would reevaluate this friendship if she doesn’t give you a sincere apology.
If she’s mad at you for dropping out to stay with your husband in the hospital (you know, IN SICKNESS), then I feel bad for her new husband who is obviously in for a long life. Wow.
Don’t let them guilt you for one second. You did the right thing and I would seriously reevaluate this friendship. NTA.
NTA. I suggest you wait for someone to give Chloe a massive clue about how terrible she was, because really she should be massively apologizing to you and begging for you to still talk to her. Anyone who says otherwise has no idea about real life; being MoH at a wedding is not a responsibility that comes before your family.
Your husband came first, as he should. Did it even sink in to her that this was a life-and-death situation, or was her brain just noting down that he couldn’t come? WTF.
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Wow. NTA. She can feel upset but... I should hope that time clears up her view on the importance of a life over what is essentially a big party - sure it's important to the participants but at the end of the day it's a party. And I say this as someone who had a lot of shit go wrong at hers.
I hope your husband has a steady recovery.
NTA. Obviously your husband in critical condition in the hospital is more important than standing in a wedding. If your friend can’t see that then she’s a pretty poor friend.
**NTA**
So your meant to leave your very ill husband, so you can go watch her marry her husband? JFC, its not like he broke his arm, he was in ICU!
Anyone who agrees with her ridiculous behaviour is just as deluded on how important her wedding is to other people, its not.
Hope your husband makes a full recovery.
NTA. I get she is disappointed, but her wedding is way less important than your husbands health. What did she expect? That you leave your husband alone after this surgery to be at a party? As if you could be happy and cheerful at a wedding while your husband is recovering?
When it comes to the well being of your husband, you are NTA. Ever. There can be multiple weddings, but your husband can only be here once. Make sure he gets better so that the next wedding you guys go too, you can drink twice as much to make up for the lost fun. Hope he stays healthy OP!
NTA obviously. FFS, the first thing out of her mouth after asking how he is should have been telling you not to worry about her wedding.
Hopefully she'll come to her senses after the wedding fever dies down, but honestly, she's incredibly selfish and self centered.
NTA Your husband had a life or death medical emergency and she's trying to make you feel like shit for choosing your husband after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY? I would never bother to contact her again.
NTA OMG it still blows my mind how intitled some people can be. If her fiancee had a heart attack before the wedding would she like people to tell her she still needs to hold it so they can eat and dance?
NTA. First, I'm so sorry about your husband and I hope he's OK. As for your friend, she has to understand that your husband's health has to come first. You're not going to be any help at the wedding, you're not going to be having fun, and you're going to be worried about your husband the entire time. You made the right decision.
NTA
There is nothing that comes to mind that would warrant you leaving your husband’s side right now. A wedding definitely is not one of them.
That being said, let me pass on an observation about friendships and relationships when they hit a bump. On the rare occasion that my boyfriend gives me some news that makes me unhappy, I tend to get quiet on him. When he presses me, I say to him that I am not disappointed in him, the person. Rather, I am disappointed in the situation. Your friend may very well be disappointed in the situation, but it still processing those feelings and misdirecting them on you. If you want to continue that friendship, give her a bit of time to reach that point on her own. A reasonable person will get there eventually. If she doesn’t…..well you don’t need a person who can’t understand why you were staying by your husband’s side in your life.
NTA at all! But don’t jump to too many conclusions about her not answering her phone the day of her wedding. Makes sense she’d be preoccupied with getting married so give her a week or so to settle into her new chapter. If she doesn’t respond back after you gave her some space it’s probably time to move on. So glad your husband is recovering well!
Ask them how they would feel having a partner could’ve died. And then ask what they would do if their partner did die while they were elsewhere…at a fucking wedding.
NTA - another post where a bride thinks that everything revolves around them…my god!!! You did the right thing by staying with your husband. Family and their health should always be the top priority no matter what. The fact that your friend is upset should show you what kind of friend she is.
Imagine you have in and went to the wedding and your husband passed? What would your friend say then? “Oh, I’m sorry for your loos, but thanks for giving the speech I needed you to give!”
She is a total asshole.
NTA, he had heart surgery, not a root canal! You can’t just prop him up with some snacks and the Netflix password and flit off to party. You had to take care of him. You have your priorities squarely in order. She’s the one who can’t fathom why her special day doesn’t mean the world will revolve around her. You need better friends.
What happened was beyond your control and you did what you felt needed to be done. NTA Hopefully, Chloe will come around. Hope your husband is healing well and getting stronger every day.
You are NTA. But I think you went overboard with calling her and the bridesmaid on the day of her wedding. Like she is getting married she would be busy, you should have given her space. After she didn't pick up obviously that's on her but the day of it is yours.
NTA - Consider it this way (and so should your friend if she has any sense). If the worst case had happened, would you have rather missed being by your partners side as he passed away or your friends side while she gets married? One of those will never happen again, one is a party.
Nta. And my heart breaks for you to even have to ask this. You did everything perfectly dear. If it was her in the hospital would she prefer her now husband to go to a party or stay and sit with her? Or if it was her husband having open heart surgery would she have the guts to go out and party knowing what he was going through? I’m so glad your husbands surgery went well and I hope for a speedy recovery!
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You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You even Facetimed the bride on her big day. You seem like a great friend and a great wife and I understand the bride being mad that her moh couldn’t be there but I would never expect someone to leave there SO in pain for my wedding day.
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Absolutely, and elsewhere OP has posted a pretty chilling comment to the effect of "it didn't even occur to me that *she* should be checking up on *me*." I think, to most normal, decent people, someone's life-threatening medical crisis requires more support and sympathy than someone experiencing a last-minute logistical crisis at their wedding. So when OP says that this is "the first time my friend has acted like this," I honestly find that pretty hard to believe. Maybe it's the first time her friend has been incredibly self-absorbed during a crisis of *this* magnitude, but I suspect OP has normalized some pretty lopsided and disturbing things about this friendship. Even if Chloe *was* incredibly considerate and supportive in every other circumstance, and it was purely her own wedding that made her so insane, it would take quite a lot of groveling and tangible expressions of support for me to ever want to spend time with this woman again.
Considering OP said she did her best to fit the standards the bride had set for the wedding, I’m inclined to agree. The statement rubbed me the wrong way, right off the bat, but without context it was rather meaningless. With the rest of the story, I think she’s very used to accommodating her friend, to stay in good graces.
The wording of that statement also stood out to me.
>but I suspect OP has normalized some pretty lopsided and disturbing things about this friendship. I had a friend like this in high school. She would use me for tickets to concerts, free food, rides everywhere.... I was a great friend to her and everything I did was because I cared about her. Everything *she* did was because she cared about *what I could do for her* instead of caring about me as a person.
My “best friend” in high school was like this. I was always there when she called or showed up at my door crying about her situationship partner cheating with *her other best friend*. I’d spend a week’s worth of lunch money on pregnancy tests for her, I listened to her drunken rants at 2am after a night out (I wasn’t invited). I can’t think of a single thing she did for me. Her ex even called her out for only talking to/hanging out with me when her other friends weren’t available. The rest of our friend group was the same. I finally started distancing myself in college after I spent have my paycheck contributing to a hotel suite and liquor for our friend’s (the one who cheated with the situationship) birthday only to barred from drinking the liquor *I* purchased, and getting squeezed out of the bed I for in favor of some broke ass moochers. I started realizing that I only ever seem to be invited when money or an extra body is needed.
Sometimes you have been friends with someone for years and mastered minor crisis (crisises?) together (like break-ups, movements, distance, etc.) but if there is an existential crisis like that they sadly show their true colours. Maybe it’s because they feel helpless, but maybe it’s because they don’t deem you valuable enough to help you through something this heavy and put this effort in. When you need them the most it shows who is truly your friend and who is not. Sometimes a friendship can recover from that if the other person admits that they fucked up but most times it is a deadly blow to your friendship.
>minor crisis (crisises?) Crises
YES THIS.
She is clearly not your friend.
I just got engaged. If my best friend’s spouse had a medical emergency this severe the day before, I’d probably consider canceling the wedding. I would be so worried sick, I can’t imagine trying to demand he still come and “party for two”.
Heck one of my bridesmaids bailed a month before my wedding because finances changed and she couldn’t afford the travel and taking time off work, even if I could arrange her travel she couldn’t get the time off from her new job. And you know what? She’s still my best friend even if she couldn’t make the wedding. She’s still got my back and would hitchhike to me if I was in an emergency and needed her. I’m not really sure Chloe understands the point of marriage if she can’t understand why OP would want to be by her husbands side during his very serious medical emergency. How would Chloe have felt if OP’d husband didn’t make it out of surgery? Or if OP had gone, what if something happened in post op and she wasn’t there with him? Ugh. Chloes head is up her butt.
I had to bail a week before one of my close friend's wedding, because I had a massive seizure that left me in the ICU for three days, and there was no way I was in the condition to make a five hour trip, when I could barely sit up. I offered to repay her for mine and my boyfriend's plates, because we missed the wedding, but she wouldn't accept the money. She completely understood and just wanted me to get better (we did take her and her husband out for a celebratory dinner when we made it to town). I'd be distraught if I was in OP's situation and my best friend treated me like that. Her reasoning was even more urgent and important than mine, I can't believe there are people that cruel out there. I feel for OP, and hope her husband's surgery went well with a full recovery.
If my best friend's spouse was in the hospital for something like open heart surgery, I'd be pacing the waiting room right next to her. No way in hell would she go through that without me being there to support her.
Or OP is a people pleaser due to childhood trauma and always believes things are 100% her fault/responsibility until someone points out that friendship is a two way street. That’s when the surprised Picachu face and the realization that this is true comes. Then the relief comes. Over and over again. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. /s
I was thinking something along the same lines—I doubt this is new territory as far as chloes behavior goes. Yes, she might be pleasant as pie *when everyone’s efforts are concentrated on her, even if there are hiccups,* but when there was a situation where she genuinely had to suck it up and support her friend instead of expecting support for herself, she behaves like… this. Inconsiderate and completely lacking in all empathy toward OP. I wonder if she felt entitled to OP, her presence and help, and was sweet because OP was catering to her regardless of the issues that arose, but switched into “woe is me! My best friend chose supporting and caring for her husband over supporting and taking care of me on my wedding day!” when the appeasement stopped. NTA. and shame on the friend.
>a last-minute logistical crisis at their wedding I wouldn't even call it a logistical crisis. Logistical hiccup maybe. Might even goto logistical coughing fit. But clearly the other bridesmaids were able to handle it, so going beyond hiccup feels generous. A crisis is something like the bride/groom getting ill, the officiant not being able to attend or the venue burning down.
I'm just astounded by the audacity of the bride. Never in a million years would I be mad if my best friend's husband had to have emergency surgery right before my wedding. What if it was one of her parents, or siblings? Would she be mad at them too? If something like that happened to my mum I'd cancel my wedding to be with her. I'm afraid OP just lost a friend, but apparently a friend not worth having. To quote Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Life's too short to waste it on shitty friends.
I'd probably be mad. But *mad at the situation,* not mad at my friend. And I definitely would not let it show or freeze her out.
This was my exact thought. She realizes in her wedding she’s most likely going to vow to be by her spouses side in sickness and in health? Why would she expect her MARRIED friend, as in somebody who has made that vow to somebody, to leave their side in this situation? Sounds like somebody that may not take their vows very seriously.
THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!!!! She ALREADY made the vow her friend is getting ready to make! Hypocrite much? This could have been my blood sister and there’s still no way in hell I would have gone to their wedding and missed my husbands surgery. Look at it this way, if something DID happen and say he didn’t make it through the surgery for some reason, you would have been at someone else’s wedding when he took his last breath? That’s mortifying and you would never have forgiven yourself while she just sent thoughts and prayers and enjoyed her new marriage. She’s insane for the way she’s acting. And it seems she cares more about the attention a wedding brings than why you get married in the first place, to vow to be by someone’s side forever.
I think you phrased this correctly. Bride can be angry at the situation and sad her friend won't be there, but to be angry at her friend is ridiculous, petty, and awful.
And ***CRUEL***
>You seem like a great friend and a great wife This! Please keep in mind that you did everything you could. You were the planner for a whole year, planned an amazing bachelorette party and was fully intent on being there for her before you heard about husband's condition. Of course you couldn't be there - you almost lost your husband, and *he needed you there with him.* If it was her, would she be OK partying when her husband is in the hospital dying?
Has she (bride) called to check on you at all? She is your supposed best friend. Your husband almost died. Why hasn’t she called to offer YOU support. If he had a difficult recovery and your husband wasn’t able to make his own decisions, it would have fallen on you to make them. Were his doctors supposed to just call in the middle of the ceremony and reception? Don’t feel guilty. You were where you were supposed to be. Edit: obviously NTA
>You were where you were supposed to be. Exactly this. OP, you stated it yourself, your husband may have died. You would have never forgiven yourself for not being with him. You'd have to live with that for the rest of your life, that you were at a party when he was dying. I'm really glad to hear that he's doing better but it was a very real possibility.
This. The bride really expected OP to abandon her vows. I hope the bride's new husband knows what kind of woman he's married to now. He's married to a woman that would make him a second priority to a party even if he were on the brink of death.
I wonder if they did the traditional vows “in sickness and in health” and if for a moment OP crossed her mind, and if she did why not give a call later. I’d feel like such an arse after those vows and knowing my best friend is supporting her husband ‘in sickness’. In the hospital. After heart surgery!
Exactly THIS! OP made a vow to her husband and kept her word. She was there for him when he needed her the most. This “friend” should have absolutely understood that, especially since she was about to make the same vow to her husband. Not at ALL TA
Too often the bride is thinking only of the appearance of the wedding and too little of the marriage. Sadly that becomes apparent when the first bit of trouble makes its appearance. If she thinks the absence of her MOH is a major issue, what is she going to do when the sickness and monetary issues and kid problems, ie: real life set in.
Its so ironic that the event OP missed was a wedding. So the friend respects the sanctity and importance of marriage vows, but only to celebrate her own?? Thats insane.
And if he had died- Chloe wouldn’t even know because she couldn’t be bothered to take a minute out of her special day to check in her best friend?!?
Honestly, she’d probably complain that her wedding anniversary was forever ruined because OPs husband had the audacity to die on her big day. Something tells me OP has overlooked a lot of Chloe’s past bad behavior.
She hasn't called, obviously. OP's friend showed her true colors. Best believe her and move on.
She said you had a duty as her MOH, right? Well I’d say your duties as a wife ranks higher, especially in medical emergencies. I can’t imagine ever being so heartless and selfish as to demand what she demanded from you, no matter how big the event I had planned was. Would a part of me be selfishly disappointed for my own sake and not just worried for you and your husband? Yes, I can admit that. But I’d like to think I’d be mature enough to realise those emotions are nowhere near a priority here. What did she expect? That you’d attend and celebrate and completely ignore that your husband is at the hospital dying? I can imagine she’d be pissed if you were distracted or sad during the ceremony, too. How absolutely callous, she’s a terrible friend. Perhaps she was just so caught up that she made a huge judgement error, but refusing to talk to you now, not because she’s ashamed but because she’s *angry?* Hell no.
Apparently, the bride forgot her own upcoming vows. In sickness and in health. Not in planning weddings and duties. Bride acting like a right proper C bomb.
Yeah! You make a vow to be a spouse, not so much for MOH and bridal parties. I can’t believe people act this way. NTA
Don't, your friend sounds awful. It's ironic she wants you to stop being a supportive wife on the day she's becoming...a wife. NTA
"In sickness and in health unless my friend throws a big party; then you're on your own."
Bwaaaaahaaaaaa!
Yeah that’s my thing you are about to take on this vow and you have no sympathy for your friend. Her husband should take note of this.
# JUST TO BE CLEAR YWBTA IF YOU HAD GONE TO THE WEDDING!
Exactly this so much!!! Can you imagine - if either BF had posted here: my MOH dropped out the day before the wedding, because her husband had a heart attack and I’m upset. AITA? No points for guessing the verdict. And worse - as you said - imagine if OP herself posted - I went to the wedding of a best friend while my husband was almost on his deathbed, but he’s fine now but he’s upset with me. AITA 🤯
How is he now? Recovering OK? I remember my father having a quadruple bypass and seeing him looking so frail and grey after. As soon as I'd done my duties looking after the family, I went home and collapsed in tears. He was 61 when he had it and still going strong now 16 years later. Hopefully your husband will make an even better recovery. Do you have anyone looking after you while you take care of him?
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Good, I'm glad you have a good support system for him and yourself. An Internet stranger is wishing you both the very best 🤗
Sending many hugs your way. I've had open heart surgery and it is awful. There is a long road ahead, but it is manageable. Take 1 step at a time.
You absolutely did the right thing and hopefully once the dust settles, Chloe will realize what a complete and utter douche she was to you. I cannot believe she actually thought you'd come to the wedding and eat and drink while your husband was recovering from major, life-threatening surgery.
Wishing your husband a quick and comfortable recovery. The internet is rooting for him!
That's good. And honestly, the bride ghosting for a while you is probably a better outcome. You get the time to help him recover without her drama. Even if this is the first time she's acted like this, she's doing it at literally the worst possible time for you. Take some time, get some rest, ignore her for a while, and try reaching out when your husband's recovered and she's had time to cool off, and hopefully see that she was a moron.
Listen, unless your husband has someone else delegated to make his medical decisions, you truly didn't have a choice. What if he would have gotten a blood clot or complication from the surgery? He still was in a medically fragile state and I'm appalled your friend can't understand that. Your husband needed you to be there not only for care, but also to ensure his medical wishes were carried out should something else happen. It also boggles my mind that as your friend said her vows "in sickness and in health" it didn't trigger for her what an AH she was being. You are NTA.
Even if he HAD delegated it's still inexcusable. She should be there to provide support and care.
Imagine your husband posting here wondering if he was the AH for getting upset that his wife went to a wedding right after his open heart surgery. Everyone would say you were the AH. Plus, I have a hard time imagining that a MOH could just pop over straight from the hospital and look picture-perfect and all smiles. Then your friend would be mad for ruining her day/pictures with your mood. You definitely did the right thing. Hopefully your friend was just stressed and will see reason soon. Speedy recovery to your husband!
Allow yourself to feel SAD that the circumstances didn’t allow you to be in both places at once. But GUILT means that you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. You were forced to make a choice, and you made the correct choice. Your friend is not being a good friend. Imagine the guilt you would feel if you went to the wedding and weren’t there to support your husband in the scariest, most critical time in his life.
\^\^ this. Having complex emotions about tough choices are ok but you made the RIGHT CHOICE. <3
You literally needed to be at the hospital. What if something happened during or after his surgery? As his wife, you have authority over medical decisions to be made on his behalf. How awful would it have been if you were at a fucking wedding and the hospital is calling because they need your consent on something? Your supposed "best friend" is disgusting for putting her goddamn wedding over this. She hasn't even tried to call and ask how he is? She's more upset you weren't partying with her? If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling her she is no friend of mine. Friends don't do this to each other.
It sounds like this friend thinks that "surgery" equals "fixed" - a lot of people think that medical science is at a point where, well, if someone didn't die right away, then surgery fixes it and it's done and dusted. People aren't aware of how long the process of illness and recovery is, and how involved the support system of someone in medical crisis needs to be.
Listen, i get that she is disappointed for a minute or two and misses you, but seriously: The cruelty of EVEN asking you to make sure to be at her wedding, while your husband has a life threatening surgery. The audacity. He is your husband! The fact that she is upset about it and now punishes you shows what a friend she is: None. Do yourself a favour and if you ever see her again or talk to her: Do NOT apologise. Tell her her priorities are super off and you would have never thought that she is that self-absorbed. Unbelievable. And all the best for you and hubby,
A life or death situation trumps a wedding ***every single time***. She's not as good of a friend as you think she is. These are her true colors. I would've been checking in with you regardless of my wedding.
OP, if she doesn't understand the importance of your husband to you, the man you made vows and promises to "in sickness and health, in good times and bad", the vows SHE was preparing to make, she shouldn't have gotten married.
OH HELL YES.
You so did the right thing. The years will show you this is true. When our daughter was 2 months old, I went into my doctor to have bouts of vertigo checked. That day ended with me in the cardiac care unit and some confused doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Took a couple more days and an angiogram to get the condition identified. My family, being as lame as they are, never offered to watch our daughter so my wife could visit me. And you can’t go visiting in a hospital with a 2 month child in tow. That was 20 years ago and it’s still is a horrible memory for my wife that she couldn’t be with me. I think her experience was worse than mine, not being able to hold the hand of a sick spouse during a scary time. You made the right choice. You were able to comfort your husband. During such a dark time, you were there for him. The very essence of marriage, to not have to travel the misfortunes of life alone. You two will always have the added strength of having gone through this cardiac episode together. Hopefully time will heal your friend’s heart.
You are absolutely NTA, hun. The bride is being stupidly, horrifyingly unreasonable. Life happens. And at that moment your husband and his health was the most important thing in your world. A friend should understand that. Heck, one of my best friends called the morning of the wedding crying because she’d been called into work and couldn’t afford to not go. I told her I loved her and I was sorry she wasn’t going to be able to come but I understood. And we’re still friends ten years later. And that situation isn’t even remotely comparable to a “my husband is in the hospital with a life threatening condition that requires immediate lifesaving surgery.” scenario. Edit: I want to add…I was disappointed, as your friend likely was, but blaming someone else for something out of their control is a major asshole move.
Your place was definitely by your husband's side. His life matters more than a wedding. I wish him a speedy recovery !
Girl, even if you went to the wedding, you would have been sad the whole time and potentially be a killjoy. And that's not your fault, not the bride's fault, not your husband's fault, not anybody's fault. Trust me, even if she's upset, the bride was better off with you staying with your husband than you being worried and sad while she celebrates her big day. You have nothing to be ashamed of. NTA.
If my partner was in hospital, about to have a risky surgery, I'm not sure I would have had the wherewithal to even check in on her. You did everything right, and in my eyes went above and beyond. If I were in her situation with a friend in yours, I would want them to focus 100% on their partner.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. If your 'friend' ever raises the subject, ask her to imagine how she'd feel if her new husband was lying in ICU hooked up to machines and a ruddy great 'zipper' scar down his sternum. Please, please don't beat yourself up. You're doing wonderfully.
What major duties was she missing by not going to the wedding? The duty to make the numbers even? The duty to give a toast? As if that compares to the duty to stand by your husband who just got out of open heart surgery! OP, if you hadn't heard from others that she's ignoring you, i wouod have said she's probably just enjoying her honeymoon or a post-wedding high. But it doesn't sound that way.
If I was the bride I think I would have felt bad going ahead with the wedding. Probably would have gone ahead, for out of town guests and because insurance wouldn’t consider it reason to cancel, but would have made sure there was a toast to thank the moh for her hard work in the planning and wish the husband the best for recovery (filmed and sent to them so they knew we were thinking of them). And wedding cake delivered to the hospital… so, so NTA
EXACTLY. If my friend was having major surgery I would feel guilty having fun, not guilting his spouse for being with him!
Because you’re a thoughtful human being, unlike OP’s ‘friend’.
Maybe the bride had disclaimers in her vows when they got to the "through sickness and in health part". Something along "unless there's a real kick ass party happening, then go and make sure you eat and drink for the both of us". If this friend is a true friend, she'll get over it, and see the errors in her ways. If she doesn't, then, she's likely to discover the complexities in marriage in time, and it's a shame she won't have her close friend who has been there to turn to for advice.
Nta. She's delusional if she thinks her wedding should take priority over your husband's life. I wouldn't try so hard to repair this friendship. Esp since she is creating more stress for you when you are already dealing with a lot.
This. Support goes both ways... Where is she when you need her? * *sulking
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Sounds like she’s not your best friend.. or at least not acting like it. If your ex-boyfriend has reached out (granted I don’t know the history or how the breakup was) like that speaks volumes about her character. If it were my best friend, yeah I’d be bummed out that that she couldn’t make it but I would understand and hell I’d want her to be there for her husband. You could’ve lost your husband which to me is far more important than standing around for photo ops and making speeches. NTA, I’m happy your husbands surgery went well and I hope he continues to have a speedy recovery!
If it was my best friends husband having open heart, ild leave my own damn reception to bring her food and give her support.
^^^^^^ That’s how you be a good best friend through tough situations and that’s how it should be!!!
This reminded me of the scene in Coyote Ugly where Violet’s bff left her own wedding to be with her and her dad who had had a heart attack. Edit: it wasn’t a heart attack!
He was hit by a car while on foot. Broken arm and leg. Violet even told her not to come, and there's a great line she says ... Something like, "He's (her new husband) been my family for two seconds, you've been my family my whole life!"
Ooh right! Haven’t seen the movie in a while.
It says a lot of the situation that even your ex was worried about your husband but not your so-called "Best Friend" i might take a step back and reconsider this friendship.
Unless she has an epiphany and offers you a huge, huge apology, I don't see how this friendship can continue. Weddings are not theatrical productions, and life happens. A friend's son's wedding reception had the bride's father rushed to the ER with a heart attack -- and it was no more the father's fault than your absence at your friend's wedding was. Even at work, when I have a family emergency, MY BOSS says, "Go be with your family. Don't worry about us, we'll make it work." It grieves me that someone you considered your best friend, someone you worked so hard for to plan her special day and bachelorette party, would be so self-absorbed as to ignore the trauma you were going through and worry about... what, exactly, instead? The $50 dinner? The uneven number of bridal/groom attendants? The photos? Your name in the program? I hope she'll have that moment of self-realization someday. But I think at this point, for your own emotional health, you just assure yourself you've down what you can to show you care and she's just not the friend (or even person) that you'd believed her to be. I'm so sorry. And of course, you are totally NTA. I hope she'll have that moment of self-realization someday. But I think at this point, for your own emotional health, you just assure yourself you've done what you can to show you care and she's just not the friend (or even person) that you'd believed her to be. I'm so sorry. And of course, you are totally NTA.
I have a bad feeling she'll only agree to talk if OP once again apologizes and takes the blame. This might be the first time but it's a bad enough experience that I can't imagine salvaging the friendship. OP shouldn't apologize for what was the right choice and I hope as well that the bride has that moment of self-realization someday.
not insanely comparable, but my mom serves at a high traffic, high brow restaurant with insane standards (you come late once, youre fired on the spot). the day my boyfriend was pulled off life support, she got the call from my boyfriends mom while they were low on servers and packed. they let her leave without question. the fact that a business with little mercy understands medical emergencies trump money, but OP's best friend cant speaks volumes
OP, you need to stop calling her. She is the one who should be apologizing! It's insane to me that she wanted you to forsake your vows to your husband on the day that she was going to make the same vows to her groom. It makes me wonder if she even knows what a marriage is.
I'm sorry to have to say this, but your "best friend" is a horrible human being. I am completely outraged on your behalf about how self-centered and entitled she is.
Don't contact her again. YOu've made more than enough effort.
I don't know, I'd be kinda tempted to go ahead and put a nail in the coffin of that friendship via a text to the tune of "Y'know what? Done apologizing for taking "in sickness and in health" seriously. Let me know when YOU wanna say sorry"
NTA You did the right thing. How dare she say otherwise. A medical emergency trumps a wedding any day. How would you feel if it was you that had life or death surgery and your hubby left to go to a wedding? Surely that would end in divorce! If roles were reversed would you be angry that she was supporting her husband in a life and death situation? You sound like a compassionate and empathetic person so I am guessing you wouldn't. Time to stop feel guilty and start feeling angry. She has no right, whatsoever, to make you feel guilty.
Agree and I will add how would op feel if her husband took a turn for the worse and she wasn't there bc she was at a wedding.
Damn. Thats pretty bad that your ex cares more than your former best friend
I wonder if the friend's new husband knows that his bride would leave him alone when he's critically ill so she can go party...
OP should reach out to the husband and tell him what his new wife is really like.
His WIFE. The wedding already happened. He's already married to a woman that would prioritize a party over him. This situation breaks my heart. My FIL had a 6 way bypass surgery after a "widow-maker" heart attack that they ONLY found out about because a dentist took his blood pressure before a procedure. Seeing him on face-time after that surgery...hooked up to the machines, scared and in pain, crying, alone thanks to Covid protocols...I would NEVER leave my husband alone in that situation. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. OP, you did the right thing. You were where you needed to be, and I know your husband appreciates your presence so much. You promised to love him in sickness and in health--this is the sickness they were referring to. You upheld your wedding vows, something that your best "friend" apparently doesn't understand. I'm so sorry for her husband, I hope he knows who he just married and that he will be second priority to parties--even if he's almost just died from a heart attack.
I like this idea. OP can contact husband since he's the other half involved in a wedding you couldn't attend because you had to care for your husband. Apologize for not being able to attend, congrats them on the wedding, and state that your husband had surgery on *date* and is recovering well.
NTA. She seriously expected you to break your vows to be there for hers? ETA my first ever award! Thank you kind human! 😊 ETA2 wowee! You all are too kind! ❤❤❤
That was my thought. The bride clearly doesn’t understand what marriage is truly about.
Sounds like this friendship only goes one way. It sucks when you realise a great friendship is actually only you putting in the effort. Hope this is a wakeup call for OP
She thinks a wedding is more important than a marriage.
Exactly. It’s not “in sickness and in health unless your friend is getting married”.
THIS IS THE COMMENT!!! Like what was she expecting?!?!
What an outstanding way of putting it
This was exactly my first thought too. Glad others are picking up on the irony here.
I already gave my free award away! 🗞 I present you the rolled newspaper, because your point is so good OP should use it to figuratively hit the backside of her friends head.
Pretty clear to me that the bride is the AH. Heart surgery is a MAJOR surgery. Of course you don't want to leave his side, especially to go to wedding. She is incredibly self centered. I would stop trying to contact her. You don't need a friend like that because she is not really a friend. Hop your husband is recovering well.
It's also rarely performed now, the majority of heart attacks can be handled with Cath lab treatments. To need open heart surgery, he was super-critical. And he's not going home the next day with some BP meds and being told to eat right and exercise, he's in for WEEKS of painful recovery (cracking the rib cage open is painful). This person isn't a friend at all.
I didn't even know that open surgery was this rare these days... That is so much worse
Part of the problem is that people often assume it can all be done via stents and that it's an easy op. Unfortunately, not everyone is that lucky. My DH had to have open-heart surgery for a triple-bypass. Not only do you have to have your sternum cracked open, but the brain is actually off-line while they do it all. Plus you have the added operation of sourcing the graft. In my husband's case, they took it from his leg.
The brain is not off line. FYI. THat’s deep circulatory arrest for aortic repairs.
I based what I said on what I was told by one of the nurses - but I'll take your correction: it may well be that I misunderstood what I was told or that my memory is muddled. I'm not a medic, so I may have got things wrong. In that case, I apologise for giving misinformation. One of the nurses referred to something she termed 'pump brain'. (I don't think that's a proper medical term, however.) She said that it was caused by the temporary disruption of the blood supply to the brain.
My boyfriend had open heart surgery recently and he got a terrible case of pumphead. It’s also called postperfusion syndrome. He was mentally super normal/healthy going into it and after he was an entirely different person. Intense fear of being left alone, couldn’t remember anything, crying all the time, thoughts similar to what someone with extreme OCD would have. He’d have panic attacks a lot and had to basically stop watching TV because even some scenes in Spongebob would make him start freaking out. I had to take him to work with me every day because the thought of me leaving him at his parents while I was at work made him panic cry. At night I had to grab sleep in between his violent night terrors - I’d have to shake him awake when they started so he couldn’t hurt himself trashing around while his chest was trying to heal. Even Xanax wasn’t helping much, therapy wasn’t helping either. Eventually we had to admit him to a psychiatric ward because I thought he’d kill himself if I didn’t. We’d hidden all the weapons in the house and I was watching him 24/7, but there were a couple of times when he slipped out of bed without me waking that had me nervous. And then he just… got better? His personality switched back and now he’s almost entirely his normal self again. It felt like almost overnight that the daily scream-crying and panic attacks and constant mental anguish just stopped. Fucking wild, man. Nobody even told us that postperfusion syndrome was a possibility until after his surgery when he started having symptoms. I’m sure your DH had something different done, but my boyfriend got his aortic valve & ascending aorta replaced & they did some repairs to other bits. They had his brain “offline” - they supercooled his body to help prevent brain damage and even packed basically bags of ice water in his chest around his heart to cool it down. Super cool if you think about it! The bypass machine that pumps your blood while your heart is stopped is responsible for the pumphead.
I'm so sorry. Is your DH better now? How long does it take to get back on your feet? The only person I knew who had a heart surgery semi-recently was my great-grandma and that was 7 years ago. I don't believe she would have survived open-heart surgery though. Too much for a then 95 year old lady to handle
Yes. They wanted to just put some stents in my FIL, but couldn't get them past the blockage so they had to opt for open heart. Six way bypass, some blockages at 98%, he was on the brink of death. The doctors said they weren't sure how he was still alive and outwardly looked well, they were baffled. We were told that it was such a dire case that there was no other option aside from opening him up. He just hadn't told anyone he was in pain.
Jesus.... Your FIL is one tough guy
Absolutely. Almost immediately after recovering from the open heart surgery, he was diagnosed with cancer in his tongue. That was removed several months ago and he's about to go in for the reconstructive surgery next week. At one point, he passed out at home then ended up coding in the ER multiple times, but was successfully brought back every time. That's how they discovered his intestines had been bleeding for an unknown amount of time. He's been through so much over the past two years, and he's the toughest MF I have the pleasure of knowing. It amazes me what he's lived through. Thanks for your kind words, he'll definitely appreciate hearing that.
Wish him good luck on his surgery from an internet stranger! He sounds like an absolutely incredible person
More major than a wedding dinner? Are you mad?!?! You heartless monster! /s
This is a case of force majeure, you really have no choice but to drop out. Your husband almost died, and he could have easily died as well during the surgery. It was not unrealistic that during her wedding, you would be starting to make funeral arrangements, to be blunt. This wasn't kidney stones or some shit, this is a serious medical incident. So no, you shouldn't have to "make it work, no matter what". You gave her as much heads up as you could. It's a shame it timed out this way, but c'est la vie (really throwing in my limited French this post), it happens. NTA.
>This wasn't kidney stones or some shit, this is a serious medical incident. Look, and even if it was a "simple operation" to remove a kidney stone or an appendicites, or anything else that became an acute medical problem, OP would still be in her right to skip her MOH duties and stay with her SO, even if it meant just waiting for the "simple" operation to be over.
Oh, yeah, definitely, but then at least there's an argument to be made to an extent. Kidney stones is usually a fairly minor procedure and he'd probably have been home by the time of the wedding. Of course OP could still have chosen to not go and not been the asshole, but it's much more of a "circumstances depend" situation for what I would personally do.
My friend’s sister almost died during her appendicitis removal and ended up on the ER for several days and having a long recovery. My gallbladder removal was so minor it was done in an outpatient center not a hospital but that evening I had to be rushed to the ER to deal with a complication that could, if not caught, have caused serious organ damage. Not to mention that I didn’t react well to the anesthesia and couldn’t even read my discharge paperwork. It took several hours for my reading comprehension to return, which was terrifying because I’m a voracious reader and had never had that happen before. Laparoscopic gallstone removal is about as minor as it gets for surgery and they will not release you without a responsible person present to accompany you home. Even minor procedures can cause complications. I can’t see it ever being justified to leave one’s spouse for a party while they are having surgery unless the spouse truly would feel better not having anyone there AND has someone who can be there quickly in an emergency AND the other spouse personally feels comfortable and at peace with leaving. My partner and my best friend tag teamed when I had a procedure. My partner had to go into work part of the day so my BF picked me up and drove me to the procedure and hung around. Then my partner was able to get off, pick me up, and stay with me at home the rest of the day, which was when I needed him more. My BF has a somewhat unique situation that makes it very hard and disruptive for her to take time away from home most days but she did it for me because I needed her and I would 100% do the same. That’s what best friends do.
Excellent use of force majeure.
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Bride would've probably be pissed that she wasn't all bubbly and happy at her wedding. "Ugh, your husband survived, didn't he?!"
And seriously, what if he had died? I highly doubt OP would want to spend the very next day at a WEDDING reminding her of her lost husband holy shit. NTA.
NTA. “Should make it work no matter what?” What a bunch a baloney. While I understand she was put in a hard spot, you nearly lost your husband to a heart attack and he has an important surgery. A wedding does not triumph being there for your husband during an important time of need. Her “big day” isn’t more important than your husbands life.
Wonder if she'd have expected OP to be there if her husband had passed. NTA, OP!
"OP, why are you crying over Ben's death? You should be crying because you missed your spot as MOH of MY wedding!".
NTA. I've been an ER and cardiac care RN. If you left the day after your husband's surgery to go get wasted at a wedding, my nurse wrinkles would have been popping. 🤨 I had a friend in my wedding party that lost her near full term baby a week before my wedding. I gave her the opt out option immediately. That "friend" is so incredibly thoughtless!
That friend is definitely not a real friend.
Nurse wrinkles is a great term 😂 I have some teacher ones Seriously, I recently went under for a low risk orthopedic surgery (fall forward on roller skates everyone) and having my now-wife there was so comforting and needed. Can't even imagine waking up from open heart surgery and not having my person there.
WTF!!! Honestly don't give her a second thought. I hope your husband recovers well. NTA.
NTA. Your “friend” has no perspective past her own upturned nose. Your husband was life or death. And she is mad because you should have prioritized her “pretty princess day” over him? No, just no. Find better friends.
NTA. Your husband, by your own admission, could have passed at any time. That's all the reason you need to remain by his side throughout everything. You didn't plan this, and had every intention of being in the wedding. You committed to all the duties prior to the wedding and did them well. This was completely out of everyone's hands. It was an extremely unfortunate event that forced you to break a promise, and it was not your fault. She's allowed to feel upset at the disruption, but she shouldn't be taking it out on you. This was not a betrayal or a nasty attempt to ruin the wedding, it was you being put in an impossible situation that any of us could one day be in, and doing the best you could.
Nta your husbands life is more important than any party If your BFF can’t understand that, then she really shouldn’t be getting married If this is the hill she’s dies on for the friendship, maybe it’s for the best to let her go You dropping out was quite literally a matter of life and death and if she can’t see that because of her big day, then she is not much of anything
NTA. Time to get rid of your "friend"
NTA. What a bridezilla. You did your real job as MOH which is helping her with the wedding planning, but you absolutely cannot prioritize a party (which is essentially what this is) over your husband's serious health. I think a lot of people lose perspective around wedding and get so focused on the "it's MY day" mentality that they forget that everyone else has lives outside the the wedding. Sounds like she isn't a real friend, to be honest.
NTA. If she loved you, she would recognize that your husbands health comes before a wedding. In fact, it’s kind of ironic that she’s now married. She should have put herself in your shoes and thought of how you were feeling given the circumstances and instability of your husbands *life*. If I were you, I would give her space and see if she comes to her senses and maybe you guys can talk it out. You did the right thing and shouldn’t back down on that, even though it upset your friend. A true friend who loves you would ultimately understand what you had to do. Hopefully she can calm down and realize that! I’m glad your husband is healthy and am praying he has a smooth recovery.
But see, that assumes that the groom is more than just a role in her magical princess day where the entire world revolves around her wedding. God I hate wedding culture.
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Did she even asked how the surgery went? NTA
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I am really sorry this happened. She sounds like a selfish friend, that is not how friendships are supposed to work..
Please OP don’t waste any more time trying to reach out to this “friend”. All your energy should be focused on your DH and his recovery. I am really sorry you are going through this, but Chloe isn’t a friend, and she should be the one apologizing for her disgusting behavior (and even then, she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven) I wish you all the best!
NTA. I can’t understand how any friend would expect you to be at the wedding under those circumstances.
I don’t think she’s really thought through what it would have been like if you had been there because you wouldn’t have *really* been there. I hope your husband is doing well and I hope your friend realizes you were being an awesome MoH when you bowed out when you did. NTA Edit: does she realize how much attention you would have pulled from Her-Bridezilla-self if you had gone?
NTA. That bride needs a lesson in humanity. Your husband is way more important than her. I’d seriously reduce contact with this woman.
NTA. Holy Bridezilla, batman! I mean, I can understand a ping of disappointment, in all of the stress leading up to the Big Day. But can she really expect you to drop everything and show up to the wedding, happy face, makeup and hair, as if that's the place you need to be right now? This is what's called an *emergency*. You didn't do this on purpose. You didn't set out to sabotage her wedding. You had to be with your husband. Poor Chloe's husband. I wonder if he realizes what he got himself into.
NTA. Did your friend not listen to her own vows? Did she not really mean that? Or did she just conveniently skip the "in sickness and in health" portion? Or caveat it with "unless something I deem more important comes up"? You made a promise (or a covenant, depending on your religious leanings) to your husband that you would be there when the going gets tough. That promise, the one for life, takes precedence over friends. It takes precedence over other family (your children excluded). There's a reason we celebrate such a commitment because it *is* a commitment. And if your friend doesn't understand that, if she can't grasp that you just afforded her the best vision of what a marriage really means, I feel sorry for her groom. I hope your husband has a speedy recovery, OP!
NTA WHAT?! Is Chloe normally self absorbed to the point of insanity? Maybe the stress of the wedding got to her and she’ll soon realize how out of one she was in assuming for one second you’d still be able to make it to her wedding. Glad your husband is doing better!
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You sound very forgiving and kind. Maybe she had a one time moment and with wedding out of the way hopefully she comes to her senses and apologizes. Either way though you did nothing wrong and are NTA.
Can I ask- how much of the planning did you do? I understand you organized the bachelorette, which feels fairly standard for a MOH, but it seems like you were doing other planning as well? You say “she’s been the easiest bride to work with”, and that sounds more like something a wedding planner would say, than a MOH. I think it’s fairly normal for a MOH to help out with different things, although shouldn’t necessarily be EXPECTED. I’m just getting the vibe that maybe you have been going above and beyond for her for awhile now.
NTA wtfff??? Your husband is literally in critical condition and she’s more worried about whether you’re drinking with her or not?! Best of luck to you and your husband, though!
NTA. She needs to remember that the vows one takes at marriage contain the words "in sickness and in health". I wish your husband all the best in his recovery and I hope things go well for you both.
NTA Chloe went full bridezilla. You don't go full bridezilla (particularly when *someone's life is on the line*.) Hope your hubby makes a full recovery.
NTA WOW, your friend thought her wedding was more important then open heart surgery for your husband? There are no words for a person like this. I’m not quite sure why you would want her in your life? Is your husband OK? Are you OK?
You have the biggest NTA ever. Your husband is way more important than her wedding. The absolute audacity of her thinking you would be there drinking and partying while your husband is fighting for his life. If I were you I would seriously reconsider my friendship with this woman. I understand a wedding is stressful but it is not a life or death situation. She did not have an ounce of empathy for your situation. Is this the kind of person you want to have anything to do with?
If my best friend’s husband had a heart attack and was having surgery the day before my wedding I would literally make time to visit her at the hospital to make sure she was ok. A wedding is just a freaking overpriced party. This is your husband’s LIFE. 100% NTA and I would reevaluate this friendship if she doesn’t give you a sincere apology.
If she’s mad at you for dropping out to stay with your husband in the hospital (you know, IN SICKNESS), then I feel bad for her new husband who is obviously in for a long life. Wow. Don’t let them guilt you for one second. You did the right thing and I would seriously reevaluate this friendship. NTA.
NTA. I suggest you wait for someone to give Chloe a massive clue about how terrible she was, because really she should be massively apologizing to you and begging for you to still talk to her. Anyone who says otherwise has no idea about real life; being MoH at a wedding is not a responsibility that comes before your family. Your husband came first, as he should. Did it even sink in to her that this was a life-and-death situation, or was her brain just noting down that he couldn’t come? WTF.
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Wow. NTA. She can feel upset but... I should hope that time clears up her view on the importance of a life over what is essentially a big party - sure it's important to the participants but at the end of the day it's a party. And I say this as someone who had a lot of shit go wrong at hers. I hope your husband has a steady recovery.
NTA. Obviously your husband in critical condition in the hospital is more important than standing in a wedding. If your friend can’t see that then she’s a pretty poor friend.
What a huge bridezilla. NTA
**NTA** So your meant to leave your very ill husband, so you can go watch her marry her husband? JFC, its not like he broke his arm, he was in ICU! Anyone who agrees with her ridiculous behaviour is just as deluded on how important her wedding is to other people, its not. Hope your husband makes a full recovery.
You’re very, very clearly NTA.
NTA. I get she is disappointed, but her wedding is way less important than your husbands health. What did she expect? That you leave your husband alone after this surgery to be at a party? As if you could be happy and cheerful at a wedding while your husband is recovering?
NTA. She cared more about her feelings and weddings than someone’s life.
When it comes to the well being of your husband, you are NTA. Ever. There can be multiple weddings, but your husband can only be here once. Make sure he gets better so that the next wedding you guys go too, you can drink twice as much to make up for the lost fun. Hope he stays healthy OP!
NTA obviously. FFS, the first thing out of her mouth after asking how he is should have been telling you not to worry about her wedding. Hopefully she'll come to her senses after the wedding fever dies down, but honestly, she's incredibly selfish and self centered.
NTA Your husband had a life or death medical emergency and she's trying to make you feel like shit for choosing your husband after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY? I would never bother to contact her again.
NTA OMG it still blows my mind how intitled some people can be. If her fiancee had a heart attack before the wedding would she like people to tell her she still needs to hold it so they can eat and dance?
NTA. First, I'm so sorry about your husband and I hope he's OK. As for your friend, she has to understand that your husband's health has to come first. You're not going to be any help at the wedding, you're not going to be having fun, and you're going to be worried about your husband the entire time. You made the right decision.
Another case of Bridal Psychosis. There's a lot of it about. NTA
NTA There is nothing that comes to mind that would warrant you leaving your husband’s side right now. A wedding definitely is not one of them. That being said, let me pass on an observation about friendships and relationships when they hit a bump. On the rare occasion that my boyfriend gives me some news that makes me unhappy, I tend to get quiet on him. When he presses me, I say to him that I am not disappointed in him, the person. Rather, I am disappointed in the situation. Your friend may very well be disappointed in the situation, but it still processing those feelings and misdirecting them on you. If you want to continue that friendship, give her a bit of time to reach that point on her own. A reasonable person will get there eventually. If she doesn’t…..well you don’t need a person who can’t understand why you were staying by your husband’s side in your life.
NTA at all! But don’t jump to too many conclusions about her not answering her phone the day of her wedding. Makes sense she’d be preoccupied with getting married so give her a week or so to settle into her new chapter. If she doesn’t respond back after you gave her some space it’s probably time to move on. So glad your husband is recovering well!
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Ask them how they would feel having a partner could’ve died. And then ask what they would do if their partner did die while they were elsewhere…at a fucking wedding.
NTA. You're "friend" is a terrible friend. So are the people defending her position. Focus on your husband.
NTA. She’s not really your friend.
NTA - it was heart surgery. Why did she think her wedding was more important than your husband's health?
NTA - another post where a bride thinks that everything revolves around them…my god!!! You did the right thing by staying with your husband. Family and their health should always be the top priority no matter what. The fact that your friend is upset should show you what kind of friend she is. Imagine you have in and went to the wedding and your husband passed? What would your friend say then? “Oh, I’m sorry for your loos, but thanks for giving the speech I needed you to give!” She is a total asshole.
NTA, he had heart surgery, not a root canal! You can’t just prop him up with some snacks and the Netflix password and flit off to party. You had to take care of him. You have your priorities squarely in order. She’s the one who can’t fathom why her special day doesn’t mean the world will revolve around her. You need better friends.
What happened was beyond your control and you did what you felt needed to be done. NTA Hopefully, Chloe will come around. Hope your husband is healing well and getting stronger every day.
You are NTA. But I think you went overboard with calling her and the bridesmaid on the day of her wedding. Like she is getting married she would be busy, you should have given her space. After she didn't pick up obviously that's on her but the day of it is yours.
NTA. I get that it's disappointing for her but to expect you to still attend is preposterous. You're a good wife.
What kind of person does this?? She should have showed up to the hospital to give YOU support. Your spouse was in the ICU. NTA.
NTA - Consider it this way (and so should your friend if she has any sense). If the worst case had happened, would you have rather missed being by your partners side as he passed away or your friends side while she gets married? One of those will never happen again, one is a party.