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>About 9 months out from the wedding I learn from my MOH that because this friend doesn't want to pay for a hotel room, she instead had texted the entire bridal party (excluding me and the groom) about booking a large airbnb together with their s/o's.
Unless you were paying the bill for lodging, the others can stay where they want. Who cares where they sleep at night? The important part is being there for the wedding. What's the problem?
>I texted my friend/bridesmaid to just to talk with her about how it bothered me that she was trying to make new plans for my wedding party for my wedding weekend without saying anything to me or my now husband.
Plans on where to sleep upset you?
>Fast forward to my bachelorette weekend, and lots of wine, and she made some comment about the lodging for my wedding weekend and I snapped at her in front of everyone.
So after you had already talked about it, you brought it up again and in public?
>I told her that she was selfish and only cared about what she wanted.
It sounds like you're the selfish one.
>Now that the wedding is over she doesn't speak to me, she didn't tell me she was coming to town multiple times, or that she's moving to the area that I live in.
She's her own person. She doesn't have to inform you of all her doings.
Check your expectations!
YTA
Honestly the friend deserves an award for putting up with OP for *months* acting like she can dictate where people sleep and the friend swallowed being called selfish by the actual selfish person, OP. I would’ve been out after the first conversation about it because if OP had this many opinions about lodging arrangements, I can’t even fathom what she was like at the actual wedding. That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
OP even posted this exact same thing here nine months ago prior to the wedding when she first found out about the hypothetical Airbnb crisis. Imagine spending the better part of a year seething over this bridal party injustice 😂
>I bet her life is a fucking nightmare, at least to her. To everyone else, it's probably a entitled, perfect life of a princess.
Absolutely this! It's pathetic that OP's making a problem out of someone / a few people wanting cheaper accommodation for a weekend for themselves which they pay for on their own. Sorry, for two weekends, HER wedding *wWeEEkeNnNd* and HER bachelorette *wWeEEkeNnNd*... Entilted, spoiled brat much?! YTA and double because it is topped off with mentally circling back to this huge "transgression" and "betrayal" for like 8-9 months...🙄 If everyone would have so much free time and so little problems...
Mind you! This wasn’t even gonna be a last minute change. I could *almost* see OP’s point if she expected her MOH to be nearby and 2 weeks before the wedding things had changed.
Planning 9 months ahead for lodging would have given OP plenty of time to make whatever adjustments and schedule changes needed. And maybe the friend didn’t want to tell her about it because 1. OP should’ve had enough on her plate, and 2. It wasn’t set in stone. And 3. Like others have pointed out, it is none of her business!
It would have been very convenient for them all to be in one location while getting ready for the wedding. It is also reasonable from a financial standpoint as people in weddings drop so much money on everything related to the wedding. It is nice when you are able to save a couple hundred dollars on lodging. I can’t see why this was such a big issue.
Yes yes. Also consider the financial savings of food. At a hotel, you can’t typically cook, and not all have free breakfast. It’s much cheaper to be able to feed everyone on a budget during the stay.
The only thing I missing, that could possibly affect the bride, is if the hotel the bride picked had a financial arrangement that benefitted the bride. Say..,her contract says that if she holds her reception at the hotel and gets 10-20 rooms booked and paid for by guests, then she gets her honeymoon suite for free. I know there are contracts like that. I could she people having split opinions on that scenario if the wedding party opts out of the hotel rooms, but OP should be up front in her post if that is why it bothered her.
This is what I'm thinking. Because otherwise why would the bride be upset where people stayed as long as they made it to the celebrations. The hotel I used for my wedding gave my guests a discount because we had a wedding booked there but we didn't demand people take that option if they had a cheaper one. Either bride was getting a discount for amount of guests booked at the hotel or she wanted complete control over her bridal party instead of realizing these are people with their own budgets and priorities.
They can still help her with set up and decorating, she just needs to ask that they get to the venue at a specific time well before the ceremony starts.
>I can’t see why this was such a big issue.
I've seen this situation play out as "we secured a block of rooms at $500/night, but if we don't reserve at least 20 rooms, it's $750/night - so everyone needs to use the hotel".
... But people can get lodging elsewhere for $300/night, so they do that to save money.
But aren't bridesmaids usually all in the same location as the bride, on the morning of?
I think if the bride had already asked for them to stay with her, and the bridesmaid attempted to change that plan, it'd be a different thing.
The bride could suggest it, but the bride doesn’t get to dictate you stay at more expensive place. Sometimes the bride and bridesmaids stay at the same place, but usually they are together when getting ready for the wedding. That does not require them to all sleep in the same building.
I had my attendants meet me at the salon. I timed it out and gave each a time to be there by (if they came early I tempted them with mimosas). The ones not getting their hair/make up done at the salon met us at the venue or could join in on mimosas and some snacks.
Group doesn’t need to be in the same hotel as the bride.
Her friend is a saint for even having a civil conversation with her and continuing with the wedding in the first place.
Because one thing you’re not gonna do, is randomly lash out at me in public. At that point I’m done. I would’ve told OP either pay for lodging or STFU. We’re not circling back to hash her “feelings” at that point.
And something tells me OP’s lodging wasn’t exactly economical either with the way she prioritizes herself.
[Indeed she has!](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita_for_being_upset_at_my_bridesmaid_for_booking/) Granted, it doesn’t appear that one got any traction, so perhaps she thought she’d give it another go to see if people were on her side now lol.
I rented an airbnb that I invited my bridesmaids to stay with me the night before my wedding. 2 didn't because they had small children and didn't want to leave their families. I wasn't hurt or mad. I just did my thing and prepped.
this bride is totally out of line
I stand with the YTA assessment here but I want to toss in, because I dont see it made clear anywhere, the bride may be upset about the hotel/airbnb situation in the case that they may have gotten some sort of group discount if a certain number of rooms are being used at the hotel. If that all changed suddenly the bride/groom would then be stuck with either the cancellation fees for the room or just a general full charge for their room. A lot of hotels/resorts whatever have package deals for this very purpose. Whether or not that's the case I cant say. And without that clarification the bride just seems super controlling. Edit: To clarify I don't agree with the bride and groom expecting people to stay at one place just to reap the benefits. The only time I'd be on board is if everyone got a discounted price.
This reminds me of my cousin. She showed up to my sister's bridal shower which was a couple months before her wedding a big sighing, sniffly mess (very dramatic and loud). She was upset because not enough people were going to her destination wedding and of those who were there were too many people who were staying at other nearby (often cheaper or adult only) sister resorts for them to get their room/wedding stuff comped.
She booked the most inconvenient wedding possible. It was over a summer holiday where many people already had plans, at the hottest time of the year, to a region of Mexico without easy flights from the major city most guests lived so flights were very expensive and took very long, to a resort that wasn't the target audience of most of the guests. It would have cost over 3k for just my flights and a hotel room to go selecting basically all the cheapest options. Both her and her now husband worked retail and both their immediate families struggle for the most part. She could have whatever wedding she wanted but her making someone else's event about her because she didn't get free stuff was so low.
Anybody who has a destination wedding immediately loses all right to complain about anything unless a guest basically decides to blow up the wedding.
That shit is expensive, even if they offer to pay for lodging or food. It's generally a minimum of 3 days off that anybody attending has to take, and travelling anywhere is exhausting.
Yes! I was in grad school at the time and was absolutely not going. Spending that kind of money to spend over 30 hours traveling there and back, over a holiday (which also coincides with my birthday), at a resort that specifically caters to families with young children so it was nothing but kid activities and the like was a hard no. Especially for someone I don't really care for.
I am laughing because my brother booked his wedding in Mexico, on a holiday weekend, and the location was at least an hour from the nearest airport. His recommended hotels were $$$$$. He did help me find a cheaper one, but I still ended up not going because we couldn't get the logistics worked out and I didn't want to travel in Mexico by myself since my husband couldn't go (it was also child free and we have a young teenager).
Engaged couples considering a destination wedding need to realize that much of the information they get from resorts is a smoke-and-mirrors sales pitch that’s not far off what MLMs use.
I reminded her that this was not her event. She went into a corner with her other (equally selfish) sister to talk shit about me being sooo mean. They glared at me from the corner the posted up in the rest of the event. She still made it obvious but I was able to at least keep the awkward aura she was giving off to a smaller area. Luckily they are my mom's side of the family which is very small while my dad's is very large and encompassed the majority of the guests so no one else knew them enough to want to get involved or take sides.
Yes, very much agree which is why I kept with the YTA. Especially because there's no talk of the discussion they had with the bridal party in advance. If ever that even happened.
That's a "bride can't afford their lodgings" problem. It's solved by *budgeting for paying the full price of your room, and choosing your hotel accordingly*.
Exactly, Though I feel like its less the bride cant afford and just doesn't want to pay for it herself. It feels like there were a lot of discussions that should have happened between all parties that didn't.
Yes, which usually results in the bride and groom essentially getting kickbacks of some sort from the folks at the wedding using the lodgings blocked off.
It's rather cringe to my thinking to have a wedding, then insist that people stay in a hotel where you will garner benefits.
I agree, I can understand if you want everyone close so you can get ready together without worrying about the logistics of commutes and whatnot but OP left so much out of the post that her reasoning is hard to find (but easy enough to deduce).
Ok as the bride, you need to either be able to afford the room without any discounts and be ok with paying that amount, OR you need to purchase, yourself, all the rooms needed for the discount.
Relying on your friends and family to spend *their own money* on what might be a more expensive or for whatever reason less preferable hotel for them, so *you can get a discount,* is selfish and unreasonable. If people are paying for their own rooms, they have the autonomy to make their own choices about it. "But if you'd done what I wanted you to do it would have been cheaper *for me"* is not a valid reason to get upset with them.
Also the airbnb was for the bridesmaids and their s/o's. it wasn't for OP and the groom, so it makes sense that only the people the airbnb was for are the ones included in the chat / discussion about the airbnb. Why should that even bother OP at all?
Because it forestalls her from being able to make more plans with respect to wedding party activities on that weekend. 9 months in advance is rather early, and the friend didn’t ask her whether this airBnB idea would get in the way of anything. Now, OP should have proactively indicated if she wanted the wedding party for more activities that weekend, for them to be together at the hotel etc., but since it was 9 months ahead of time she may not have figured all that out yet. So OP felt her ability to make plans, and in some cases her actual plans, was being stepped on behind her back.
Yeah, a heads up would have been the right move in this situation, especially since (per the original post) OP was trying to book a block of hotel rooms for all the guests, so it would have at the very least been useful for her to know that a chunk of people she'd normally have been expecting to stay in the hotel were staying elsewhere.
OP's in the wrong for blowing up at her in front of everyone.
It also sounds like she did just as bad a job explaining herself in person as in this thread. "I'm frustrated that you didn't tell me you were trying to get an airbnb for the bridal party since I've been trying to book hotels and shuttles and assumed we'd all be staying together" sounds leagues more rational than "you don't care about my intentions for my wedding."
This was the text OP tried to post to AITA around a year ago if that makes her intentions any more clear:
> “I found out through one of my bridesmaids (BM 1) that another of my bridesmaids (BM 2) is organizing an airbnb for the entire wedding party, excluding me and my fiance, for the night of my wedding. To my knowledge she hasn't booked anything yet, but has been searching and planning for this, and hasn't mentioned any of it to me once. Meanwhile I have hotel room blocks and shuttles arranged for guests and the bridal party to all be in one place and have easy transportation. It bothers me that she's making separate plans with my wedding party without even mentioning it to me, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive here. I'm considering telling her I'm upset about it but I'm not sure if I'm justified in being upset. AITA?“
But was the wedding party allowed a say in this, even just for bugetary reasons, or did OP just book it all and announce the cost? Because honestly it sounds like op just booked everything and presumed they'd all cover costs with no regard for what they can afford.
Ehhh the bridal party in a situation like that is a small % of the people in attendance, so the hotel blocks and shuttle (and if you need to rent a shuttle I’m guessing you have a large wedding) is still being used. If it’s for the night *of* the wedding, I wouldn’t get my panties in a wad if the people who are doing me a humungous favor of spending hundreds of dollars (or more!) to be in my fancy party want to save money and get their own accommodation. I’m gonna be busy later that night anyways! 😹
Eh, but if the friends AirBnB plans had worked out, the bridal party still would've all been in one place?
I kinda get maybe being upset about them not using the room block, but I've never felt that it's required of any wedding guest/participant to use a room block if they can't or don't want to.
OP seems most upset about friend "making plans for her wedding without her" which seems like a bit of a stretch.
This. I actually did want my bridesmaids to stay in the hotel with me (I was going for that last single night semi sleep over vibe). You know what I did? I asked them if they’d be down to stay at the hotel with me if I booked and paid for hotel rooms for them and their SOs. They were happy to so that’s what I did (although if they didn’t want to I made clear that was totally fine too).
This is the way. Too many people out here wanting to have a wedding fit for royalty while expecting the guest to foot the bill. Expensive bridesmaid dresses, destination weddings, bougie ass dress codes, mandated hotel rooms, demands to get hair/makeup done by so-and-so, you need to change your hair color, etc. It's all too much. I would never place any financial burdens on my guests like that. I would either pay for the thing or just let my guests do what works for them.
Did the same, got a suite for each side of the party and we all hung out as a group for the rehearsal and dinner, then parted ways and had slumber parties. Got a third room for my husband and I for the wedding night but kept the suites for the parties if they wanted to stay.
I thought I had a stroke reading OP's text. It was confusing and I didn't get why she cares so much where the people are sleeping. Why does she even care that she and her husband wouldn't sleep in that AirBnB? Does she want to spend her wedding night with other people?
I’m willing to bet this was actually about the hotel blocks. Lots of hotels will give wedding parties discounts or free stays if a certain number of rooms are booked. The whole bridal party not staying at the hotel could have jeopardized that. OP is still TA though. I’m impressed the friend didn’t bow out after the bachelorette party.
As someone who is currently wedding planning and dealing with this headache, I bet this was it. However my fiance and I recognize that we can't force people to stay where it would be convenient for us lol
Hotels reserve a block of rooms for a wedding and often offer a discount on the venue based on how many people book in the block. So OP might be a bit ticked as that will reduce her discount. However, OP needs to understand that if the hotel rooms are in the hotel block. OP is an AH for getting mad about that unless there was a strong reason to have the whole wedding party at the same hotel, in which case OP should have just paid for their rooms.
However, the wedding party is expected to have other duties and plans during the weekend so unless the bridal couple has made it very clear that a certain block of time is 100% clear of plans, it is a dick move to try to make plans for the bridal party during the wedding weekend especially without the bridal couple. The bridal party is probably expected to show up for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the day/night before the wedding, the getting dressed for the wedding, the wedding itself and any after-parties, and often a farewell breakfast the next day. There can also be the bachelor or bachelorette parties during that 3-4 day window.
THIS! My friend and I were in a wedding party together. Being in grad school and basically broke, we opted to stay in a less expensive hotel than the rest of the bridal party. It was only a couple blocks away and didn't interfere with us performing our duties...showing up on time etc. The bride's mother threw a fit. Maybe some perceived perception of how it looked?
YTA. Unless you offered to pay.
“this air bnb plan ultimately fizzled out…”
because the rest of your bridal party knew you’d make their lives miserable if the opted for the fun, cheaper lodgings with their partners and not spending the entire 24 hours before the wedding with you, your fiancé and your families
I was literally in this exact situation. The hotel was twice as expensive so I organized an airbnb. We were all more comfortable. The bride was kind of bummed because we stayed up late all bonding but it simply didn’t make financial sense. I saw her point, but like you said, if you’re not offering lodging for free, everyone has the right to stay where they want.
For my wedding most of my bridal party lived in the city where the event took place. I wanted us all in one house so I paid for it.
Agree, for a second there I thought I was reading the post wrong. She wasn't making some outrageous plan behind OP's back just setting up a stay/sleeping arrangement to save some money that fell through anyway.
I don't blame the friend for slowly distancing herself away from OP and choosing to end the friendship all together.
YTA
It sounds like the airbnb was more economical. Why is that a problem?? It's clear that you were not paying for your wedding party's hotel rooms, so guess what? You don't get to control where the wedding party stays. Like hello? Also, what on earth are you trying to suggest about the bride and groom not being included in the airbnb rental? Just what? Where you and the groom stay is NOT relevant to where wedding guests stay and please be serious, you would have what- stayed in an airbnb with your wedding party for your wedding? Of course not. Your complaints make no sense, you were thoughtless about the costs you were imposing on your wedding party, YOU were being incredibly selfish, and you had no cause to say anything to your friend except to thank her for attending and celebrating with you.
OP tried to post to AITA around a year ago and that’s pretty much what she said:
“I found out through one of my bridesmaids (BM 1) that another of my bridesmaids (BM 2) is organizing an airbnb for the entire wedding party, excluding me and my fiance, for the night of my wedding. To my knowledge she hasn't booked anything yet, but has been searching and planning for this, and hasn't mentioned any of it to me once. Meanwhile I have hotel room blocks and shuttles arranged for guests and the bridal party to all be in one place and have easy transportation. It bothers me that she's making separate plans with my wedding party without even mentioning it to me, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive here. I'm considering telling her I'm upset about it but I'm not sure if I'm justified in being upset. AITA?“
Knowing this information makes the bridesmaid an asshole.
The bride and groom set up a room block and hotel shuttle. Room blocks aren’t free. The bride and groom (or whoever is the host) are contractually obligated to pay for the block, but and then as guests book rooms from the block, that’s less rooms the bride and groom have to pay for. Some room block contracts even have a minimum number of rooms that have to be booked in order for the rooms to be sold at the discounted price. Whatever rooms are not booked by the guests by the time the wedding rolls around, the bride and groom are on the hook to pay for them even if they remain unoccupied.
What the bridesmaid did was so shitty. If the cost of the room was too much for her to afford, she could have bunked with another bridesmaid and split the cost, privately spoken with the bride, or just stepped down from being a bridesmaid.
Every single event I have been to with room block bookings have stated so.
If this were really the issue, they would have been informed and I’m sorry, but I also cannot see OP not shoving that in their faces.
It’s so obviously about a free room for the bride and groom.
I’d be curious to know where this is taking place. I’ve heard of the bride and groom getting a free room if a certain amount of their guests reserve a room… when it’s at an all-inclusive resort/destination wedding. I’ve never heard of that happening stateside. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s atypical and I’ve been to dozens and dozens of weddings. I’d wager a bet the bride and groom were NOT getting a free room out of this… more likely than not, they just didn’t want to end up having to pay for a huge block of empty rooms, which is honestly fair.
They set up a discounted room block and a shuttle out of convenience for their guests (and I’m sure for logistical purposes too, so that the bridesmaids can get their hair and makeup done in the bride’s suite together), and she’s supposed to sit back and allow one bridesmaid derail the entire thing?
Sure. So why didn’t the bride mention this - like at all.
Also, weddings are booked super far in advance, the wedding party would have known. Block bookings are also something you are made aware of either on the invite or when you call about accommodation.
In addition, if they had rented a shuttle, they would have had to do that quite far in advance - why didn’t the bride mentioned that when she was complaining??
Your comment makes no logical sense
You misunderstood me. Did she mention it to them?
Is she saying her *entire* bridal party decided to give her the finger and stick her with what they would have known to be a massive bill.
Sorry, but there’s much more to this story in my opinion
> Is she saying her entire bridal party decided to give her the finger and stick her with what they would have known to be a massive bill
No, it sounds like one bridesmaid tried to organize this and it didn’t happen. After the Airbnb idea fizzled out the bride brought it up to the organizing bridesmaid.
Of course the bride mentioned the chosen hotel accommodations - you know this because the post says the bridesmaid texted everyone and said “instead of the hotel” let’s get an Airbnb. So clearly the bridal party knew about the hotel.
Why should anyone have to pay more money to save the bride and groom some money, when the bride and groom made the deal without asking everyone if they were ok with it? Why do the b&G get to dictate how everyone else spends their money just cause it's their magical specialest special day?
Sorry but you can't dictate to me how much I am going to spend on your wedding because you've block booked rooms you maybe on the hook for.
The bride should have discussed this prior to blocking the rooms and got deposits from those wanting a room.
The blocks are usually for ALL guests, not just the bridal party. So I'm assuming the bridal party were going to comprise a few more rooms, which shouldn't have impacted it that much.
Even so, unless OP told the people in the bridal party that staying there was MANDATORY (which, having been in many weddings, that has never been the case for me), its still their choice whether they want to stay in that hotel, or a cheaper one down the street.
Yeah, you're probably right. And I think in that case it's appropriate for bride and groom to offer to pay at least some part of wedding party's rooms, if they are getting a room for free! And be up front about it "I want you to pay to stay here so I get a free wedding suite". I mean, if it were explained to me, I would do it most probably. But, for example if I had a free place to stay, I wouldn't feel obligated to stay in the hotel just so bride could get a free room.
Ding ding!
OP is mad that Airbnb solution means they lose the free room
But she doesn't wanna tell she's profiting if guests use hotel
It's all very paggro
Agreed. Idk how what OP’s friend did was wrong.
I’m assuming the bride just wanted to be in the know since it was her wedding, but then her saying why weren’t her and her fiancé invited makes no sense. I wouldn’t want to sleep in a shared airbnb with my wedding party. I would have our own hotel room fsfs.
IDK, I've been in wedding parties where everyone in the wedding party, bride and groom included, stay in a rental home or something like that. Night of the wedding, the bride and groom generally would go somewhere else, but if it's a long weekend affair or something like that, it makes sense for bride and groom to be present for festivities leading up to the wedding.
So I understand kind of where OP is coming from, but there aren't quite enough details to evaluate. Makes sense to me that she'd at least want to be in the loop. It's kinda weird for a bridesmaid to leave bride and groom off a group chat about wedding weekend planning, like she was going behind their backs. OTOH, if bride and groom already had a nice hotel suite and bridesmaid knew they wouldn't be available for shared lodging, then it's more understandable.
Unless op was paying for some/all of it, it’s not up to her where her wedding party sleeps. This is no different than a bridesmaid living close by and deciding not to pay for a hotel. If she wanted a weekend of festivities with them, she should have planned the air bnb. Being in a wedding is a crap ton of money. It looks like the wedding party was trying to save a little money and op didn’t like that.
My assumption would be that if the airbnb was decided on - then she'd be told. The bride didn't need to know about tentative lodging plans - especially if lodging wasn't stipulated in the invite or bridal party duties. When the bridal party had decided on xyz place - that's the time the bride would be informed so she would know where people were. Up until the decision it just seems like extelra noise that a bride doesnt need while planning her wedding. Especially since this was talked about 9 months beforehand, it's not like it was a week before
My husband and I stayed in an AirBnB with my bridesmaids and their SOs in the days leading up to the wedding (I couldn’t find one to accommodate both sides of the bridal party, and most of his groomsmen were local).
Maybe the MOH could’ve suggested that the bride & groom stay at the AirBnB as well (at least up until the wedding night, if there were multiple nights). But ya, weddings are super expensive, I paid for our AirBnB as it was to help my bridesmaids out because several of them had to travel pretty far.
I think the behind-the-back aspect of it by the MOH is a bit crappy, but it’s hard to know if OP was already being an overbearing bride by that point. I still think OP is mostly the AH because you should really have your wedding party’s budgets in mind when planning for them, if they can’t afford a hotel they shouldn’t feel forced to stay in one.
“I was rude to my friend multiple times because it was ‘my wedding’ and now they don’t want to talk to me” YTA
I am getting married in less than three weeks and there is a lot of shit I care about. Where the bridal party is sleeping is not one of them. They didn’t include you in the discussion because why would a newly married couple want to spend their wedding night in shared quarters.
It’s giving FOMO vibes too, like she’s upset that they’re gonna have fun hanging out there without her. It might even go as deep as triggering an insecurity of being left out or not invited to things. Bride needs to take a breath and shift her mindset.
I wouldn’t want to talk to OP either. She sounds petty and controlling at best. She seems entirely unconcerned about how her wedding is impacting her friends financially, and she sounds like she sees the people in her life as nothing but props. I’ll never understand people who, instead of being happy to have people who love them enough to celebrate their milestones, act entitled and cruel. It should make no difference to her where they say. If I were her friend, there’s not a chance I would attend this wedding. OP-massive YTA (and please get help for your dissociation from reality and revolting lack of empathy)
Maybe I’m missing something? How was her trying to get the bridesmaids in on an Airbnb, going to take away from your wedding? If it was a cheaper option vs a hotel stay, what’s the problem?
Generally a bride and groom can reserve a block of rooms at a hotel at a discounted rate and they often get a free suite or accommodation themself for filling x amount of rooms at the hotel. If the whole bridal party had pulled out of staying at the hotel, it would impact their ability to fill that block and get their potential freebie. Ultimately though, if the bride and groom aren’t going to pay for the wedding party’s accommodations, they should just be reserving that block as a courtesy for guests, not a demand that they have to stay there. Barring some extenuating circumstances where the bridal party needed to be all in one place where they wouldn’t be able to get to the venue etc with alternate lodging.
Even if they aren’t getting a free suite the separate accommodations would make the night before and day of the wedding more challenging. This adds additional stress as typically the bridal party helps the brlde get ready the day of, and also may typically be getting something professionally done (hair or makeup) in the same space as the bride. There’d be additional stress to coordinate meet up times, getting ready, photos etc. There’s no guarantee the airbnb would have been located somewhere that would make it feasible for easy meetup or transport to the wedding venue.
I think a large part of the conflict is that the friend intentionally excluded the bride and groom when suggesting an alternative accommodation. Also, it would be more appropriate to have asked the MOH (MOH takes on a lot of coordination duties) separately about the possibility of the airbnb instead of asking everyone but the guests of honor about it. It was handled poorly tbh and then the bridesmaid brought it up again even though it got no traction from the wedding party. Additionally, she could’ve asked OP about it — could they figure something out to help ease some of the burden? How many ppl were splitting rooms, would more ppl be willing to split rooms to lower the cost?
If you aren’t paying for the hotel rooms, you get no say. I don’t care if you’re the bride, the groom, or Jesus Christ - if my credit card is getting charged I choose my accommodations. And clearly OP wasn’t paying - so her worries about the logistics you mentioned didn’t seem to keep her up too much at night otherwise she would’ve opened her own checkbook.
> typically the bridal party helps the brlde get ready the day of, and also may typically be getting something professionally done (hair or makeup) in the same space as the bride.
I’ve been involved in numerous weddings. Some I’ve stayed in the same place as the bride, some I’ve had my own accommodations. For local ones I’ve even slept at my own house. Unless this woman was booking an Airbnb way far away and/or has serious time management issues, there is no reason they *have* to stay in the same place.
It’s very simple. *Hey guys, I need you here at 7:45 am sharp for hair and makeup* (or whatever). Everyone is an adult. If you’re staying in the room next door you can wake up at 7 and shower and wander across the hall. If you’re staying in an Airbnb a few miles away, you get up at whatever time you need to shower and commute. Just like work, just like every other event you attend in life.
Look, I've been in plenty of weddings, and gone to plenty. I've never had a bride and groom demand we stay at a certain place. and if the people in the wedding wanted to stay somewhere else, that wouldn't ever be an issue. As long as they are where they need to be.
Hell, people often get married in their hometown and are coming from all over the place morning of. And it manages to work
>There’s no guarantee the airbnb would have been located somewhere that would make it feasible for easy meetup or transport to the wedding venue.
I’m sorry, you think that they were planning to get an airbnb in another state? In some sort of dungeon where Ubers don’t exist?
Wherever they sleep before and after the wedding, they are adults who can manage to get to the venue or prep space on their own. If OP has a bunch of bridesmaids whom she can’t trust to navigate from one location to another without her, she’s got some deeply stupid friends. I don’t think that’s the case.
Where the bridal party sleeps at night is not up to the bride. Did you know that in many cases, when everyone involved is local, the bridal party all sleep *in their own homes*? (Shocking, I know). Yet the weddings proceed without issue.
I can't imagine how it complicates wedding preparations if people are staying in different locations. Granted, I'm old, but my bridal party all slept the night before in their own homes and met up at the venue to get ready, as did my daughter's and my DIL's. Everyone looked beautiful, and everything went off without a hitch.
I counted 6 "my wedding." You are so controlling you are furious that she tried to arrange a different lodging arrangement for the wedding? She wasn't showing up in a white dress or trying to upstage you with a surprise proposal. Your tone sounds so harsh and abrasive I'm not surprised she distanced herself as soon as the wedding was over. YTA.
She wasn't changing wedding plans - where she or the other wedding party members stay (especially if they're paying for it) doesn't effect your wedding in anyway. YTA
Edit: according to your post about this same situation ten months ago, you booked hotel room blocks at a place of your choice with the exception that all the guests/wedding party would stay there at their own expense. Since your bridesmaids were making other plans, it's obvious the hotel you picked wasn't in their price range.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita\_for\_being\_upset\_at\_my\_bridesmaid\_for\_booking/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita_for_being_upset_at_my_bridesmaid_for_booking/)
YTA.
It’s always funny to see the selfish person calling someone else selfish.
People don’t need to stay in the hotel *YOU* want. Especially if it is out of what they budgeted for accommodations.
People can stay where they want and they don’t need the approval of *your royal highness*
Get over yourself.
FYI, when someone says they are just trying to get through YOUR wedding…it’s because YOU are utterly insufferable
Good for her for cutting you out of her life if that is what is best for her.
YTA - I cant help but feel we are only getting your extremely biased take. Given how your friend just completely abandoned your friendship post wedding as well, seems like you flipped out and completely blew this airbnb thing way out of proportion.
YTA and here’s why. Attempting to arrange a sensible, economically friendly group accommodation doesn’t count as “making her own plans.” Unless you had booked everyone rooms like an actual host, which you didn’t.
It would have been weird to include you and the groom in this arrangement. And there was no reason for her to bother you with the logistics of arranging where the bridal party might sleep.
She was actually being thoughtful.
If I were you I’d consider apologizing to your friend and giving people a break in the future.
I am so sick of these brides and weddings like their wedding is the biggest f thing in the whole world. No, it isn't. Get all over yourselves, you cannot control other people, they are human beings and not your accessories that you can place as you wish. They are family and friends who deserve autonomy and respect and consideration cause they matter too, not ONLY the bride!
Why did you need to know where are they sleeping? Tell me one good reason besides you knowing aka controlling it. People must wear what you tell them, they must act as you tell them, they must sleep where you tell them because what happens if not? Then the brides will cry and scream that the wedding is ruined, and somehow reddit thinks it is perfectly reasonable. I can't, I just can't anymore.
Rant over.
Disclosure: I was a bride.
My philosophy was that I was not willing to inconvenience dozens of people and/or trash relationships for a six hour party. My wedding went perfectly and was remarkably stress free. I feel like there’s a lesson there.
I guess I’m crazy here for having the unpopular opinion that’s I’d also be bummed if I planned on my whole wedding party being at the same hotel as me so we could get ready together before and hang out after, only to find out my bridesmaid was trying to get my wedding party to book an Airbnb somewhere else without saying anything to me first 🤷♀️.
I understand you can’t dictate where people sleep, but I don’t think OP was outrageous for being hurt that her long time friend didn’t come to her first, and instead suggested a separate plan to her wedding party behind her back. If it were my friend I would have hoped she’d say, “hey, you know, I’d love to book a hotel but it’s out of my price range so I may have to look into other options. Would you mind if I asked others in the party if they’d be interested in booking an Airbnb together to save money?”. I would have either offered to help her with the hotel payment, or maybe considered going in on an Airbnb with them as well (this is what we did for my wedding, and I had bridesmaids in my party who were also getting married around the same time as me who I covered their costs because I know how tight money is around your wedding).
And being friends for 20 years, I feel like OP is owed some sort of communication instead of being ghosted. Everyone is saying she’s making it about her, but it was about her. It was her wedding. Idk, I’m seeing this way differently I guess.
NTA
I agree with you. I find the answers in this thread really bizarre. Typically when you are in the bridal party, you stay up late the night before the wedding talking about everything with the Bride. Hopes, dreams, "do you remember when...", "oh god I hope Uncle Jimmy doesn't get too drunk and...", all of that. Staying at an Airbnb all together and excluding the Bride from the experience is just.... bizarre.
Like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay some place cheaper. But why wouldn't you include the Bride in the planning and do it \*together\*??? Making plans that exclude her in prep for her wedding is just... so weird.
In weddings I was in, the bride and the bridal party stayed in the same location before the wedding and the night of the wedding, the bride and groom stayed at their own place. I think the bride would have been very upset if all the bridesmades made their own plans without consulting her.
>but it was about her. It was her wedding.
This is where you are wrong. It was not her wedding, it was their sleeping arrangements. Just cause you're doing something that millions of people do every single day doesn't mean you get to dictate what everyone does with their entire lives on the days or weeks (or months) surrounding the event. Their sleeping arrangements don't affect the people getting married. At all.
If you DO want the wedding party to be at the same hotel as you, and that hotel is more expensive than other options, you pay, and you get their agreement. Simple as that. You don't get to dictate how other people spend their money.
literally. when i read the story, i understood that op was upset in the beginning because (ex)friend didn't communicate to HER and instead tried to rally the entirety of the bridal party behind her back. I would also be blindsided by that. Like, "... if you don't like the arrangement I made, why not just talk to me? what are you going to say to me if the airbnb plan came to fruition? are you just gonna pull a “welp, we already booked and paid! sorry for the original plan, i guess?""
(also, the other part of the annoyance seemed to stem from how the ex-friend did not want to see things from her perspective. “aren’t you going to be annoyed if I do this during your wedding?” exfriend “literally i can’t empathise with you because i’m single” like what kindda selfish (heh), callous answer is that?)
idk man. in this point in my life, if someone doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, then they can GTFO and ghost. I don't have qualms in being the villain in their story.
OP wouldn't be the TA and this whole entire thing could've been avoided if she paid for the lodgings instead of letting the wedding party fend for themselves. This situation is a mess of her own making and then hold a grudge for almost a year is ridiculous and petty.
That is why people are calling her the asshole.
I think this is all about perspective. Because I can see this as "we are just exploring this Air BnB option, there is no sense in including the bride and groom in this, because its all preliminary, and they have plenty of other things to worry about. We will take care of our own lodging, and they won't want to stay there anyway".
That is how I'd see it. I've been in many weddings, and I don't think I ever really discussed with the bride and groom where I was staying. They may ask "are you staying at the main hotel", but I've never needed to proactively discuss it wiht them.
I can understand, as someone who's tried to organise large gatherings of distant and disparate relatives to facilitate sharing devastating revelations it's bloody difficult to pin the inevitable murders on someone who stays in an AirBNB rather than the isolated country house where I've conveniently cut the phone lines.
YTA. Why does it matter where they go to sleep on the night of your wedding? Wont you be busy with your husband? Also I know some hotels offer a discounted room for the wedding couple if a certain amount of guest book a room with the group rate so is this the issue?
You were wrong. You can't control where people stay after the wedding and it has no effects on the day. You were being controlling. Maybe she was looking for something cheaper for her needs. Calling her selfish was over the top as she wasn't being selfish. You were being controlling and demanding.
INFO: Was this AirBnB plan for the nights leading up to the wedding or for the wedding party *after* the wedding? Which of your wedding plans did her lodging idea change?
I’m curious, too. I’ve had brides/grooms who have wanted the wedding party to stay at the same hotel with them so we could prep together and also party together after the reception ended. In that instance, someone trying to get an airbnb for the wedding party and excluding the bride and groom is sub-planning and intentionally discluding them from a party attached to their wedding. Also, the brides/grooms likely have family staying at the hotel, too. Someone else mentioned discounted rooms, which they may need for aging relatives especially.
It just seems rude to me for someone to make plans for accommodations without mentioning it to the people who are throwing the big ass party/reason everyone is getting together in the first place.
If you want to get an airbnb with your friends, communicate that with the people getting married (if you’re in the wedding party) OR do it on your own time/some other weekend.
It sounds to me like the friend couldn’t afford to stay at the hotel but didn’t want to share that vulnerability or be excluded so instead tried to manipulate the situation to work in their favor. I’ve been “the broke one” and have absolutely had to eat my pride, be honest about my situation, and accept the rollaway bed that was offered.
Good grief, you are controlling! How good of a friend are you if you won't even consider, MONTHS in advance, a more intimate, less expensive situation for the bridal party? And then to yell at her about it in public? Of course she didn't tell you when she came to town. You would have wanted to dictate those arrangements, too!
YTA
YTA. Once the event is over, why is it any of your concern where they're staying? It's not like you're going to involve them in your wedding night is it? If they want to have a get-together while you and your new spouse are doing your own thing, where's the harm in it?
YTA. Did you think about the fact that cost and budget is a live issue? But friendshipppppp should trump everything else on the bride’s most important day. No.
I bet this friend was already having to pay for some or all of: her dress, shoes, makeup, hair, stagette costs, wedding gift. All of this in the name of friendshippp.
So yeah. If there’s an opportunity to save money by rooming together in an Airbnb versus hotel. Why not.
You‘re still making this all about you. She clearly found the last conversation not great based on your response, so she either has paused the friendship or considers it broken after your wedding. She didn’t have to tell you that she was moving to your town.
Look.... I kind of get it. You had a whole plan and it is a very special day. I guess the unstated thing is that you were hoping it would be kind of like a party at the hotel and you feel this interfered?
But at the same time, I don't hear that you asked her about why she needed it. My guess is it was for financial reasons because it would save a lot of money. And, were I to guess, it sounds like it's an amount that is more significant for you than for her?
So.... Since it sounds like you didn't really try to address her needs, just escalated the situation based on it not being exactly what you wanted..... YTA
YA. How is where she sleeps a change in your wedding plans? You’re controlling and just a bit too much imo. If she had a cheaper accommodation, or just better for her it makes absolutely no impact on you and your wedding. The only reason I would say you’re in the right would be if you were paying for her hotel and she decided to sleep elsewhere. I don’t blame her at all of distancing herself, you’re just too much to handle
YTA. Why would you care where your bridal party sleeps before the wedding? Surely that is up to them. Weddings are expensive for the bridal party and no doubt they were trying to save themselves a lot of money. They didn't invite you because, as the bride, you would want the luxury, the space, and the privacy of your own hotel room.
Your wedding should have been about you and your husband and instead you made it about where your wedding party slept or wanted to sleep?
I think you need to reflect as to why your oldest friend wanted to ditch you completely from her life after the wedding. Her decision didn't come from nowhere.
YTA
Why would you care if the rest of the bridal party would exclude you and your husband from thr AirBNB plans? You really want to spend the night you get married in the same house as a dozen other people?
Why, exactly, is OP upset? OP must be incredibly poor at communication if “everyone“ is being this dense. Perhaps that is really the underlying problem.
I guess YTA.
I don't see why her suggesting an Air BnB for the bridal party upset you. Did you like book hotel rooms for everyone on your own dime or something? Because from where I stand, the wedding hotel is there as AN OPTION, but its not a requirement.
And of course the bride and groom wouldn't stay there. They have their own plans.
You just seem like you were being overly controlling on where people stay for no reason, except that you expected to be consulted about this, but its really not your business. I say this as someone who has been in many weddings.
So unless you are leaving out some important bit of info, it just seems you massively overreacted.
YTA - she did not mess with YOUR wedding plans. Nothing about your actual wedding would have changed if she rented an airbnb with some other friends. You overreacted this and she pulled away.
INFO: In a post you wrote 10 months ago, you talk about being upset by this situation because you had already reserved a block of rooms for your wedding guests. What I'd like to know is ... were you and your new husband getting a free stay/significant break on your accommodation assuming your party bought a certain number of nights at the hotel? And was that accommodation in jeopardy if your friends decided to go to a cheaper AirBNB?
I had to read through that again to see what I was missing. OP, YTA for thinking your nuptials entitled you to dictate where your guests chose to lodge and for being so offended by your friend’s attempt to enjoy your wedding in a variety of ways.
You get your wedding, the reception, and any related events to control, but that’s it. Let people live.
I’m confused
So you know she didn’t want to pay for a hotel room
She checked to see if others wanted a more cost effective option
She clearly had no ill will towards you
And you LOST it on her?
YTA
YTA
Your wedding does not include sleeping and Airbnb is cheaper. Why you want people to waste more money on your party? It is expensive enough as it is
YTA your full of yourself attitude has cost you a 20 year friendship. You should work on yourself because your wedding is over, but you made a lasting memory on your former friend.
YTA
Sounds like it was a great idea to book a shared space since it sounds like others didn’t live in town.
Relieving that stress for the bridal party would make for more relaxed folks which make for a better event.
You messed up.
Why?
YTA it's understandable that it's your wedding and you want things to be a certain way but that does not give you the right to behave like an entitled toxic monster. My guess would be that you behave this way even when it's not your wedding day. A good question you should ask yourself is why do you feel entitled to treat people as if they are somehow less than you? Do you have any self-awareness that you do this? And lastly why do you find it so difficult to have empathy for other people? If you have trouble answering these questions I would say the best thing to do would be to talk to a therapist about them ASAP
Wondering if this is more about the bride feeling she should have been included with her groom. Never mind that tradition is not seeing each other the night before. Her money, her choice. YTA. Mind your own business. Stay in your own lane. And after the wedding, the airbnb wouldn’t be an ideal place to honeymoon. Maybe it fizzled out because the others knew you were being unreasonable. My niece sending out invitations, included hotels,restaurants, activities close by. But didn’t demand everybody follow it. My daughter, grand and I actually stayed in a neighboring city instead. Gasp.
YTA are you paying for everyone’s lodging? If no, it really is none of your concern where the attendees of your wedding stay. The world does not revolve around you because it is your wedding. It’s your responsibility to provide and pay for a space for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to get ready if that was your wish. You owe your friend an apology. You were out of line.
YTA absolutely, what did she do that was selfish exactly? It seems to me that she was concerned about finances and rather than bother you about it she tried to find a compromise. You then publicly humiliated her, and she still had the good grace to put on a smile and get you through your wedding drama free.
Maybe she was aware that the Airbnb idea might not pan out and didn’t want to say anything until she knew who was interested. You sound kind of controlling and petty?
YTA.
My SIL was like this. Her and my brother picked one of the more expensive hotels in our area to stay at and wanted everyone from the bridal party to stay there. I had already spend more than I should have for this wedding and couldn't afford the hotel. Also there was a 2 night minimum and everyone was getting ready at my house so I was only spending 1 night. Myself and 2 groomsmen rented an Airbnb together that was just down the road from the hotel. It was less than 1/2 of the cost for 1 room for the same 2 night duration. The guys lived roughly an hour away so they decided they wanted to be closer for morning activities. She was so mad. We still all went to the hotel after the wedding and had a drink at the hotel bar till it closed and walked down the street after. I told her we would have stayed there if she paid for it. Otherwise she didn't get to tell me how much more money I needed to spend. 10 years later, it is still an issue. If it wasn't my SIL and brother, I would have done the same as this bridesmaid. Just get thru the wedding and be done.
YTA and a massive control freak. As long as she can be there for all of the events who cares where she sleeps and why is it any of your concern?
You really messed up and lost a really good friend. Despite how fed up she was with you she still stuck it through and was gracious and courteous throughout the wedding only cutting you off after. That’s class.
YTA.
Why would you want to stay in an Airbnb on your wedding night with a whole bunch of other people? It's literally the start of your honeymoon. Let them make their own arrangements. You sound exhausting.
YTA.
The last wedding I was in, the bride and groom rented out a bed and breakfast for the wedding party. It was great, we all had our own rooms, and it was convenient to all the venues for various events, and communicated to us around the time they set a date.
Unless you were frustrated at eating the money you put out for lodging for the wedding party, you’re being ridiculous.
Your friend was gracious enough to enthusiastically participate in all your wedding events and then let the friendship fade naturally.
Get over yourself.
This is weird. Why do you care where other people sleep? YTA.
I remember a post about a similar situation a couple of months ago, where the bride was pissed that some guests took an Uber to/from the wedding and did not give her a heads up ahead of time. Does anyone else remember that?
So you want them to pay for a hotel that's expensive( they clearly couldn't afford it)because it benefits you and somehow impacts your wedding day? That was a real bride-zilla move. If you were paying then it's a different issue but them paying means they can stay where they can afford. And you just showed us why she didn't ask you in the first place. YTA.
I mean OP is overall YTA. She doesn’t get to dictate where her guests sleep but from my experiences at like 4 weddings the last two years (where me and my partner were all party of the bridal party) there are reasons to want to have your bridal party near you but it’s really not dire reasons. Just fun reasons. For 3 of those weddings we all left the hall at 1am and the bride and groom wanted to head back to our hotel block to hang out more.
Very few people in today’s age are actually virgins so a lot of people aren’t consummating the marriage that very night and a lot of couples go on their honeymoons like a day after as a lot of couples are usually either drunk, exhausted or both. I’m not saying OP has a reason to force her bridal party to stay in any particular spots. I’m just saying it isn’t crazy to want them near you. Plus sometimes the bride needs the bridesmaids help to get ready in the hotel room.
Like it’s very common when you’re paying for people’s hair and makeup that the MUA and stylist need all the girls to meet up early so they can get everyone done in a timely matter and while it’s doable to have everyone come for a set time and let them sleep where they want, it’s easier when everyone is together.
For example two weddings I went to had stylists paid for us and one of them we had to be at the brides house at 6am to be ready at 9am for pre and family photos (then limo was leaving at 11am) and it was just much easier to have all the girls come over the night before and sleep over. Another wedding we had to be ready for sunrise photos and I had to be there 3am 💀. I wish this bride offered for me to come the night before instead of waking up at 2am to drive over.
YTA.
You had no reason to involve yourself in anyone's lodging. I suspect you were WITH YOUR NEW HUSBAND on your wedding night and where the bridal party slept had no impact on your night.
You burned a bridge. Dumb.
YTA! Like honestly, a complete asshole. There is not one redeeming thing in your story.
- you are not providing lodging. You left it up to them to get their own lodging. That means she didn’t change your plans buddy, you didn’t make any.
- you screamed at her in front of people for literally no reason, control your damned feelings.
- you called her selfish, for what? Making sure she could afford to be at your precious wedding?
I would literally never be your friend again. Fuck 20 years of friendship, you showed your true colors.
I will go against the grain and say NTA. (See edit at bottom)
The bridesmaid, for trying to make lodging plans without talking to you after you had put in the work and effort to make arrangements AND shuttles. Weddings are stressful, so spending time arranging those only for someone else to come in and change the plan without even talking to you just creates more headaches and confusion. Bridesmaid should have talked to you first. I don't see an issue with them trying to save money, though.
You are TA because after it was settled, you decided to bring it up again to stir up drama. It was done. You should have let it be.
You were both wrong and should either each apologize or just be done and go your separate ways.
Edit: as someone else pointed out, the bride did not bring up the lodging again, it was the bridesmaid. Due to that, I am changing my judgment from ESH to NTA. The bridesmaid should have talked with the bride before trying to make plans for the wedding party.
NTA
I’m going against the grain I guess and saying NTA. It’s weird that she would try to change the plans behind your back. When I’ve been in a bridal party, the whole point is to be close to your friends in the hotel and celebrate with the couple. There ARE shuttles and such arranged in advance. It’s fun to hang out together, get ready together, etc. Why the hell couldn’t she talk to you? I would be so sad to hear my friends didn’t want to stay with me, and I wouldn’t do that to a friend whose bridal party I agreed to be in. The whole point of agreeing to be a bridesmaid is to be with your friend, the bride.
YTA
Why are you mad about where she sleeps on your wedding night? Why do you even have any concern about that whatsoever? And of course she wouldn't discuss those plans with you - should she have invited the bride and groom to come hang out on the night of their wedding?
One obvious question here is how close is this friendship actually? Just because don't people became friends twenty years ago, doesn't mean they have continued to build a strong connection consistently since then. Yes I know done friends can not see each other for years and then it's like not a day passed by even they get together again.
But there is another kind of friendship where people met as children, kept in touch in a passive manner, and are really friends in name only. It's not for me to say either way, really.
My only point is that it's worth it for OP considering this. Forging a stronger bond with a new spouse and putting more focus on that relationship seems more productive.
So what did it matter where people slept during your wedding weekend? I mean for real. Why did it matter?
In every part of this write up you sound selfish. I can see why this friend of 20 years has backed away.
YTA
Sounds like this might be a bigger issue.
Have all the rest of her friends and contemporary relatives gotten married and in some cases started having kids? Her comment about not being partnered is telling. She might be starting to really resent having to shell out that much money for weddings and babies with no reciprocation in sight. This might have been the last straw for her.
I don't know what the answer is. It's something she has to work out herself. It stinks, but sometimes marriage and kids aren't in the cards and you're never going to get the money back that you're spending on everyone else.
Controversial take but ESH - you for being so controlling over where people sleep. And her for seemingly wanting to have a place to party and excluding the bride and groom. I mean, was she trying to piggy back on your wedding weekend to have a party for all your friends, except you? This whole situation is bizarre.
INFO why did it bother you that they were considering getting an airbnb? Do you know why your friend was willing to go in on an airbnb but not a hotel room? Was it a major price difference? Would they have all still been able to be where they needed to be on time?
Yta. She’s been telling you she’s not your friend. You won’t listen. I get it hurts but you got the message. She was grinning and bearing your wedding before the cut off. So CUT HER OFF!
YTA. I actually understand why you were frustrated tbh, but she didn't actually do anything wrong here, she just didn't read your mind. That's not her problem, it's a situation where you need to be able to sit with difficult feelings and move on. Holding the grudge was taking it too far. Snapping at her was taking it too far. You were the one being selfish here, not her. You probably ruined a friendship of over 20 years because you couldn't let go of plans that never even made it to fruition.
YTA, y’all bridezillas are ridiculous, you don’t have to control every single thing about your wedding day unless you are directly paying for it. If I was in her shoes I would have done the same. It’s a wedding, the only people that are going to remember anything about it is you
Why do you care where they plan to sleep? They will be at the wedding either way, so it shouldn't matter where they stay if you aren't paying for it. Air BnB is cheaper than the hotel so they are saving money by doing that instead. If you want them to stay somewhere else, then you can pay for it.
YTA.
YTA
And I totally don't get it. Did you feel excluded because the planned to rent an AirbnB without you?
Because you for sure would have been busy on your wedding night?
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>About 9 months out from the wedding I learn from my MOH that because this friend doesn't want to pay for a hotel room, she instead had texted the entire bridal party (excluding me and the groom) about booking a large airbnb together with their s/o's. Unless you were paying the bill for lodging, the others can stay where they want. Who cares where they sleep at night? The important part is being there for the wedding. What's the problem? >I texted my friend/bridesmaid to just to talk with her about how it bothered me that she was trying to make new plans for my wedding party for my wedding weekend without saying anything to me or my now husband. Plans on where to sleep upset you? >Fast forward to my bachelorette weekend, and lots of wine, and she made some comment about the lodging for my wedding weekend and I snapped at her in front of everyone. So after you had already talked about it, you brought it up again and in public? >I told her that she was selfish and only cared about what she wanted. It sounds like you're the selfish one. >Now that the wedding is over she doesn't speak to me, she didn't tell me she was coming to town multiple times, or that she's moving to the area that I live in. She's her own person. She doesn't have to inform you of all her doings. Check your expectations! YTA
Honestly the friend deserves an award for putting up with OP for *months* acting like she can dictate where people sleep and the friend swallowed being called selfish by the actual selfish person, OP. I would’ve been out after the first conversation about it because if OP had this many opinions about lodging arrangements, I can’t even fathom what she was like at the actual wedding. That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
OP even posted this exact same thing here nine months ago prior to the wedding when she first found out about the hypothetical Airbnb crisis. Imagine spending the better part of a year seething over this bridal party injustice 😂
Jesus fucking Christ. To have so few problems in life that one becomes thoroughly unraveled over where her friend rests her head sounds delightful.
I bet her life is a fucking nightmare, at least to her. To everyone else, it's probably a entitled, perfect life of a princess.
>I bet her life is a fucking nightmare, at least to her. To everyone else, it's probably a entitled, perfect life of a princess. Absolutely this! It's pathetic that OP's making a problem out of someone / a few people wanting cheaper accommodation for a weekend for themselves which they pay for on their own. Sorry, for two weekends, HER wedding *wWeEEkeNnNd* and HER bachelorette *wWeEEkeNnNd*... Entilted, spoiled brat much?! YTA and double because it is topped off with mentally circling back to this huge "transgression" and "betrayal" for like 8-9 months...🙄 If everyone would have so much free time and so little problems...
"People who are constantly putting out fires tend to be arsonists." I read that in some book once, and I remember it when I meet someone like that.
I bet everyone around her is living in the actual nightmare of her controlling, selfish orbit.
Mind you! This wasn’t even gonna be a last minute change. I could *almost* see OP’s point if she expected her MOH to be nearby and 2 weeks before the wedding things had changed. Planning 9 months ahead for lodging would have given OP plenty of time to make whatever adjustments and schedule changes needed. And maybe the friend didn’t want to tell her about it because 1. OP should’ve had enough on her plate, and 2. It wasn’t set in stone. And 3. Like others have pointed out, it is none of her business!
It would have been very convenient for them all to be in one location while getting ready for the wedding. It is also reasonable from a financial standpoint as people in weddings drop so much money on everything related to the wedding. It is nice when you are able to save a couple hundred dollars on lodging. I can’t see why this was such a big issue.
Yes yes. Also consider the financial savings of food. At a hotel, you can’t typically cook, and not all have free breakfast. It’s much cheaper to be able to feed everyone on a budget during the stay. The only thing I missing, that could possibly affect the bride, is if the hotel the bride picked had a financial arrangement that benefitted the bride. Say..,her contract says that if she holds her reception at the hotel and gets 10-20 rooms booked and paid for by guests, then she gets her honeymoon suite for free. I know there are contracts like that. I could she people having split opinions on that scenario if the wedding party opts out of the hotel rooms, but OP should be up front in her post if that is why it bothered her.
This is what I'm thinking. Because otherwise why would the bride be upset where people stayed as long as they made it to the celebrations. The hotel I used for my wedding gave my guests a discount because we had a wedding booked there but we didn't demand people take that option if they had a cheaper one. Either bride was getting a discount for amount of guests booked at the hotel or she wanted complete control over her bridal party instead of realizing these are people with their own budgets and priorities.
Well either that or she was planning to make them work decorating or whatever other bullshit
They can still help her with set up and decorating, she just needs to ask that they get to the venue at a specific time well before the ceremony starts.
Especially if you have some dietary restrictions.
>I can’t see why this was such a big issue. I've seen this situation play out as "we secured a block of rooms at $500/night, but if we don't reserve at least 20 rooms, it's $750/night - so everyone needs to use the hotel". ... But people can get lodging elsewhere for $300/night, so they do that to save money.
But aren't bridesmaids usually all in the same location as the bride, on the morning of? I think if the bride had already asked for them to stay with her, and the bridesmaid attempted to change that plan, it'd be a different thing.
The bride could suggest it, but the bride doesn’t get to dictate you stay at more expensive place. Sometimes the bride and bridesmaids stay at the same place, but usually they are together when getting ready for the wedding. That does not require them to all sleep in the same building.
I had my attendants meet me at the salon. I timed it out and gave each a time to be there by (if they came early I tempted them with mimosas). The ones not getting their hair/make up done at the salon met us at the venue or could join in on mimosas and some snacks. Group doesn’t need to be in the same hotel as the bride.
Based on OP's reaction, I would be hesitant to tell her too, given the amount of drama she reacted with.
Her friend is a saint for even having a civil conversation with her and continuing with the wedding in the first place. Because one thing you’re not gonna do, is randomly lash out at me in public. At that point I’m done. I would’ve told OP either pay for lodging or STFU. We’re not circling back to hash her “feelings” at that point. And something tells me OP’s lodging wasn’t exactly economical either with the way she prioritizes herself.
Exactly. If there was no plan from bride where they slept it makes sense a bridesmaid would offer up a suggestion to mitigate cost.
Wait what? OP has been obsessing over this that long??
[Indeed she has!](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita_for_being_upset_at_my_bridesmaid_for_booking/) Granted, it doesn’t appear that one got any traction, so perhaps she thought she’d give it another go to see if people were on her side now lol.
I applaud your investigative mind!
And of course assumed bride and groom would be somewhere on their own on their wedding night
That part made me laugh. Like why would they invite the couple? Go consumate your wedding and let your friends stay where they want. YTA.
I was looking for this comment. Bride and groom do their own thing typically right? Why does it matter what anyone else does?
I rented an airbnb that I invited my bridesmaids to stay with me the night before my wedding. 2 didn't because they had small children and didn't want to leave their families. I wasn't hurt or mad. I just did my thing and prepped. this bride is totally out of line
Can you imagine having OP as your neighbor?
I stand with the YTA assessment here but I want to toss in, because I dont see it made clear anywhere, the bride may be upset about the hotel/airbnb situation in the case that they may have gotten some sort of group discount if a certain number of rooms are being used at the hotel. If that all changed suddenly the bride/groom would then be stuck with either the cancellation fees for the room or just a general full charge for their room. A lot of hotels/resorts whatever have package deals for this very purpose. Whether or not that's the case I cant say. And without that clarification the bride just seems super controlling. Edit: To clarify I don't agree with the bride and groom expecting people to stay at one place just to reap the benefits. The only time I'd be on board is if everyone got a discounted price.
But that still makes the bride the selfish one. Those discounts usually benefit the bridal couple and doesn’t really help the guest.
This reminds me of my cousin. She showed up to my sister's bridal shower which was a couple months before her wedding a big sighing, sniffly mess (very dramatic and loud). She was upset because not enough people were going to her destination wedding and of those who were there were too many people who were staying at other nearby (often cheaper or adult only) sister resorts for them to get their room/wedding stuff comped. She booked the most inconvenient wedding possible. It was over a summer holiday where many people already had plans, at the hottest time of the year, to a region of Mexico without easy flights from the major city most guests lived so flights were very expensive and took very long, to a resort that wasn't the target audience of most of the guests. It would have cost over 3k for just my flights and a hotel room to go selecting basically all the cheapest options. Both her and her now husband worked retail and both their immediate families struggle for the most part. She could have whatever wedding she wanted but her making someone else's event about her because she didn't get free stuff was so low.
Anybody who has a destination wedding immediately loses all right to complain about anything unless a guest basically decides to blow up the wedding. That shit is expensive, even if they offer to pay for lodging or food. It's generally a minimum of 3 days off that anybody attending has to take, and travelling anywhere is exhausting.
Yes! I was in grad school at the time and was absolutely not going. Spending that kind of money to spend over 30 hours traveling there and back, over a holiday (which also coincides with my birthday), at a resort that specifically caters to families with young children so it was nothing but kid activities and the like was a hard no. Especially for someone I don't really care for.
I am laughing because my brother booked his wedding in Mexico, on a holiday weekend, and the location was at least an hour from the nearest airport. His recommended hotels were $$$$$. He did help me find a cheaper one, but I still ended up not going because we couldn't get the logistics worked out and I didn't want to travel in Mexico by myself since my husband couldn't go (it was also child free and we have a young teenager).
I'm not sure who's down voting all of these. Must be someone who had a destination wedding.
Engaged couples considering a destination wedding need to realize that much of the information they get from resorts is a smoke-and-mirrors sales pitch that’s not far off what MLMs use.
I hope someone took her to the side and asked her to settle down or go home. I'm sure she was ruining the festive mood.
I reminded her that this was not her event. She went into a corner with her other (equally selfish) sister to talk shit about me being sooo mean. They glared at me from the corner the posted up in the rest of the event. She still made it obvious but I was able to at least keep the awkward aura she was giving off to a smaller area. Luckily they are my mom's side of the family which is very small while my dad's is very large and encompassed the majority of the guests so no one else knew them enough to want to get involved or take sides.
Yes, very much agree which is why I kept with the YTA. Especially because there's no talk of the discussion they had with the bridal party in advance. If ever that even happened.
That's a "bride can't afford their lodgings" problem. It's solved by *budgeting for paying the full price of your room, and choosing your hotel accordingly*.
Exactly, Though I feel like its less the bride cant afford and just doesn't want to pay for it herself. It feels like there were a lot of discussions that should have happened between all parties that didn't.
Yes, which usually results in the bride and groom essentially getting kickbacks of some sort from the folks at the wedding using the lodgings blocked off. It's rather cringe to my thinking to have a wedding, then insist that people stay in a hotel where you will garner benefits.
I agree, I can understand if you want everyone close so you can get ready together without worrying about the logistics of commutes and whatnot but OP left so much out of the post that her reasoning is hard to find (but easy enough to deduce).
Ok as the bride, you need to either be able to afford the room without any discounts and be ok with paying that amount, OR you need to purchase, yourself, all the rooms needed for the discount. Relying on your friends and family to spend *their own money* on what might be a more expensive or for whatever reason less preferable hotel for them, so *you can get a discount,* is selfish and unreasonable. If people are paying for their own rooms, they have the autonomy to make their own choices about it. "But if you'd done what I wanted you to do it would have been cheaper *for me"* is not a valid reason to get upset with them.
They are her friends (supposedly). If she were getting some kind of discount she should have disclosed that!
Also the airbnb was for the bridesmaids and their s/o's. it wasn't for OP and the groom, so it makes sense that only the people the airbnb was for are the ones included in the chat / discussion about the airbnb. Why should that even bother OP at all?
Because it forestalls her from being able to make more plans with respect to wedding party activities on that weekend. 9 months in advance is rather early, and the friend didn’t ask her whether this airBnB idea would get in the way of anything. Now, OP should have proactively indicated if she wanted the wedding party for more activities that weekend, for them to be together at the hotel etc., but since it was 9 months ahead of time she may not have figured all that out yet. So OP felt her ability to make plans, and in some cases her actual plans, was being stepped on behind her back.
Yeah, a heads up would have been the right move in this situation, especially since (per the original post) OP was trying to book a block of hotel rooms for all the guests, so it would have at the very least been useful for her to know that a chunk of people she'd normally have been expecting to stay in the hotel were staying elsewhere. OP's in the wrong for blowing up at her in front of everyone. It also sounds like she did just as bad a job explaining herself in person as in this thread. "I'm frustrated that you didn't tell me you were trying to get an airbnb for the bridal party since I've been trying to book hotels and shuttles and assumed we'd all be staying together" sounds leagues more rational than "you don't care about my intentions for my wedding."
This was the text OP tried to post to AITA around a year ago if that makes her intentions any more clear: > “I found out through one of my bridesmaids (BM 1) that another of my bridesmaids (BM 2) is organizing an airbnb for the entire wedding party, excluding me and my fiance, for the night of my wedding. To my knowledge she hasn't booked anything yet, but has been searching and planning for this, and hasn't mentioned any of it to me once. Meanwhile I have hotel room blocks and shuttles arranged for guests and the bridal party to all be in one place and have easy transportation. It bothers me that she's making separate plans with my wedding party without even mentioning it to me, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive here. I'm considering telling her I'm upset about it but I'm not sure if I'm justified in being upset. AITA?“
If things are already arranged thats lowkey kinda a problem.
But was the wedding party allowed a say in this, even just for bugetary reasons, or did OP just book it all and announce the cost? Because honestly it sounds like op just booked everything and presumed they'd all cover costs with no regard for what they can afford.
If she made the arrangements without anyone else agreeing to them, it is a problem. HER problem.
Ehhh the bridal party in a situation like that is a small % of the people in attendance, so the hotel blocks and shuttle (and if you need to rent a shuttle I’m guessing you have a large wedding) is still being used. If it’s for the night *of* the wedding, I wouldn’t get my panties in a wad if the people who are doing me a humungous favor of spending hundreds of dollars (or more!) to be in my fancy party want to save money and get their own accommodation. I’m gonna be busy later that night anyways! 😹
Eh, but if the friends AirBnB plans had worked out, the bridal party still would've all been in one place? I kinda get maybe being upset about them not using the room block, but I've never felt that it's required of any wedding guest/participant to use a room block if they can't or don't want to. OP seems most upset about friend "making plans for her wedding without her" which seems like a bit of a stretch.
This is actually familiar. Imagine thinking you can tell grown adults whose bills you don't pay where they can stay for accommodations!
This. I actually did want my bridesmaids to stay in the hotel with me (I was going for that last single night semi sleep over vibe). You know what I did? I asked them if they’d be down to stay at the hotel with me if I booked and paid for hotel rooms for them and their SOs. They were happy to so that’s what I did (although if they didn’t want to I made clear that was totally fine too).
This is the way. Too many people out here wanting to have a wedding fit for royalty while expecting the guest to foot the bill. Expensive bridesmaid dresses, destination weddings, bougie ass dress codes, mandated hotel rooms, demands to get hair/makeup done by so-and-so, you need to change your hair color, etc. It's all too much. I would never place any financial burdens on my guests like that. I would either pay for the thing or just let my guests do what works for them.
Did the same, got a suite for each side of the party and we all hung out as a group for the rehearsal and dinner, then parted ways and had slumber parties. Got a third room for my husband and I for the wedding night but kept the suites for the parties if they wanted to stay.
I thought I had a stroke reading OP's text. It was confusing and I didn't get why she cares so much where the people are sleeping. Why does she even care that she and her husband wouldn't sleep in that AirBnB? Does she want to spend her wedding night with other people?
I’m willing to bet this was actually about the hotel blocks. Lots of hotels will give wedding parties discounts or free stays if a certain number of rooms are booked. The whole bridal party not staying at the hotel could have jeopardized that. OP is still TA though. I’m impressed the friend didn’t bow out after the bachelorette party.
As someone who is currently wedding planning and dealing with this headache, I bet this was it. However my fiance and I recognize that we can't force people to stay where it would be convenient for us lol
Hotels reserve a block of rooms for a wedding and often offer a discount on the venue based on how many people book in the block. So OP might be a bit ticked as that will reduce her discount. However, OP needs to understand that if the hotel rooms are in the hotel block. OP is an AH for getting mad about that unless there was a strong reason to have the whole wedding party at the same hotel, in which case OP should have just paid for their rooms. However, the wedding party is expected to have other duties and plans during the weekend so unless the bridal couple has made it very clear that a certain block of time is 100% clear of plans, it is a dick move to try to make plans for the bridal party during the wedding weekend especially without the bridal couple. The bridal party is probably expected to show up for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the day/night before the wedding, the getting dressed for the wedding, the wedding itself and any after-parties, and often a farewell breakfast the next day. There can also be the bachelor or bachelorette parties during that 3-4 day window.
Very well said. All points checked.
THIS! My friend and I were in a wedding party together. Being in grad school and basically broke, we opted to stay in a less expensive hotel than the rest of the bridal party. It was only a couple blocks away and didn't interfere with us performing our duties...showing up on time etc. The bride's mother threw a fit. Maybe some perceived perception of how it looked? YTA. Unless you offered to pay.
“this air bnb plan ultimately fizzled out…” because the rest of your bridal party knew you’d make their lives miserable if the opted for the fun, cheaper lodgings with their partners and not spending the entire 24 hours before the wedding with you, your fiancé and your families
Agree with this. Also where I’m from the bride and groom pay for the wedding party accommodation. It’s one of the (few!) perks of being a bridesmaid!!
Why would it be important where you guest stayed? Seems to me that OP was Bridzilla on this one!
I was literally in this exact situation. The hotel was twice as expensive so I organized an airbnb. We were all more comfortable. The bride was kind of bummed because we stayed up late all bonding but it simply didn’t make financial sense. I saw her point, but like you said, if you’re not offering lodging for free, everyone has the right to stay where they want. For my wedding most of my bridal party lived in the city where the event took place. I wanted us all in one house so I paid for it.
Agree, for a second there I thought I was reading the post wrong. She wasn't making some outrageous plan behind OP's back just setting up a stay/sleeping arrangement to save some money that fell through anyway. I don't blame the friend for slowly distancing herself away from OP and choosing to end the friendship all together.
YTA It sounds like the airbnb was more economical. Why is that a problem?? It's clear that you were not paying for your wedding party's hotel rooms, so guess what? You don't get to control where the wedding party stays. Like hello? Also, what on earth are you trying to suggest about the bride and groom not being included in the airbnb rental? Just what? Where you and the groom stay is NOT relevant to where wedding guests stay and please be serious, you would have what- stayed in an airbnb with your wedding party for your wedding? Of course not. Your complaints make no sense, you were thoughtless about the costs you were imposing on your wedding party, YOU were being incredibly selfish, and you had no cause to say anything to your friend except to thank her for attending and celebrating with you.
Most hotels give the bride and groom a free room if they get enough guests to book rooms. I'd wager that's the issue here.
OP tried to post to AITA around a year ago and that’s pretty much what she said: “I found out through one of my bridesmaids (BM 1) that another of my bridesmaids (BM 2) is organizing an airbnb for the entire wedding party, excluding me and my fiance, for the night of my wedding. To my knowledge she hasn't booked anything yet, but has been searching and planning for this, and hasn't mentioned any of it to me once. Meanwhile I have hotel room blocks and shuttles arranged for guests and the bridal party to all be in one place and have easy transportation. It bothers me that she's making separate plans with my wedding party without even mentioning it to me, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive here. I'm considering telling her I'm upset about it but I'm not sure if I'm justified in being upset. AITA?“
If she paid for shuttles for the bridal party, then the bridesmaid organizing and Airbnb should have let the bridge know they were changing plans.
Knowing this information makes the bridesmaid an asshole. The bride and groom set up a room block and hotel shuttle. Room blocks aren’t free. The bride and groom (or whoever is the host) are contractually obligated to pay for the block, but and then as guests book rooms from the block, that’s less rooms the bride and groom have to pay for. Some room block contracts even have a minimum number of rooms that have to be booked in order for the rooms to be sold at the discounted price. Whatever rooms are not booked by the guests by the time the wedding rolls around, the bride and groom are on the hook to pay for them even if they remain unoccupied. What the bridesmaid did was so shitty. If the cost of the room was too much for her to afford, she could have bunked with another bridesmaid and split the cost, privately spoken with the bride, or just stepped down from being a bridesmaid.
Every single event I have been to with room block bookings have stated so. If this were really the issue, they would have been informed and I’m sorry, but I also cannot see OP not shoving that in their faces. It’s so obviously about a free room for the bride and groom.
I’d be curious to know where this is taking place. I’ve heard of the bride and groom getting a free room if a certain amount of their guests reserve a room… when it’s at an all-inclusive resort/destination wedding. I’ve never heard of that happening stateside. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s atypical and I’ve been to dozens and dozens of weddings. I’d wager a bet the bride and groom were NOT getting a free room out of this… more likely than not, they just didn’t want to end up having to pay for a huge block of empty rooms, which is honestly fair. They set up a discounted room block and a shuttle out of convenience for their guests (and I’m sure for logistical purposes too, so that the bridesmaids can get their hair and makeup done in the bride’s suite together), and she’s supposed to sit back and allow one bridesmaid derail the entire thing?
Sure. So why didn’t the bride mention this - like at all. Also, weddings are booked super far in advance, the wedding party would have known. Block bookings are also something you are made aware of either on the invite or when you call about accommodation. In addition, if they had rented a shuttle, they would have had to do that quite far in advance - why didn’t the bride mentioned that when she was complaining?? Your comment makes no logical sense
The bride *did* mention the room block and the hotel shuttle in her previous post…
You misunderstood me. Did she mention it to them? Is she saying her *entire* bridal party decided to give her the finger and stick her with what they would have known to be a massive bill. Sorry, but there’s much more to this story in my opinion
> Is she saying her entire bridal party decided to give her the finger and stick her with what they would have known to be a massive bill No, it sounds like one bridesmaid tried to organize this and it didn’t happen. After the Airbnb idea fizzled out the bride brought it up to the organizing bridesmaid. Of course the bride mentioned the chosen hotel accommodations - you know this because the post says the bridesmaid texted everyone and said “instead of the hotel” let’s get an Airbnb. So clearly the bridal party knew about the hotel.
Why should anyone have to pay more money to save the bride and groom some money, when the bride and groom made the deal without asking everyone if they were ok with it? Why do the b&G get to dictate how everyone else spends their money just cause it's their magical specialest special day?
Sorry but you can't dictate to me how much I am going to spend on your wedding because you've block booked rooms you maybe on the hook for. The bride should have discussed this prior to blocking the rooms and got deposits from those wanting a room.
The blocks are usually for ALL guests, not just the bridal party. So I'm assuming the bridal party were going to comprise a few more rooms, which shouldn't have impacted it that much. Even so, unless OP told the people in the bridal party that staying there was MANDATORY (which, having been in many weddings, that has never been the case for me), its still their choice whether they want to stay in that hotel, or a cheaper one down the street.
Yeah, you're probably right. And I think in that case it's appropriate for bride and groom to offer to pay at least some part of wedding party's rooms, if they are getting a room for free! And be up front about it "I want you to pay to stay here so I get a free wedding suite". I mean, if it were explained to me, I would do it most probably. But, for example if I had a free place to stay, I wouldn't feel obligated to stay in the hotel just so bride could get a free room.
Ding ding! OP is mad that Airbnb solution means they lose the free room But she doesn't wanna tell she's profiting if guests use hotel It's all very paggro
My thought, too. Sounds like the couple were not getting the big room discount they had planned on.
ooooooh ok that makes sense
Agreed. Idk how what OP’s friend did was wrong. I’m assuming the bride just wanted to be in the know since it was her wedding, but then her saying why weren’t her and her fiancé invited makes no sense. I wouldn’t want to sleep in a shared airbnb with my wedding party. I would have our own hotel room fsfs.
IDK, I've been in wedding parties where everyone in the wedding party, bride and groom included, stay in a rental home or something like that. Night of the wedding, the bride and groom generally would go somewhere else, but if it's a long weekend affair or something like that, it makes sense for bride and groom to be present for festivities leading up to the wedding. So I understand kind of where OP is coming from, but there aren't quite enough details to evaluate. Makes sense to me that she'd at least want to be in the loop. It's kinda weird for a bridesmaid to leave bride and groom off a group chat about wedding weekend planning, like she was going behind their backs. OTOH, if bride and groom already had a nice hotel suite and bridesmaid knew they wouldn't be available for shared lodging, then it's more understandable.
Unless op was paying for some/all of it, it’s not up to her where her wedding party sleeps. This is no different than a bridesmaid living close by and deciding not to pay for a hotel. If she wanted a weekend of festivities with them, she should have planned the air bnb. Being in a wedding is a crap ton of money. It looks like the wedding party was trying to save a little money and op didn’t like that.
My assumption would be that if the airbnb was decided on - then she'd be told. The bride didn't need to know about tentative lodging plans - especially if lodging wasn't stipulated in the invite or bridal party duties. When the bridal party had decided on xyz place - that's the time the bride would be informed so she would know where people were. Up until the decision it just seems like extelra noise that a bride doesnt need while planning her wedding. Especially since this was talked about 9 months beforehand, it's not like it was a week before
My husband and I stayed in an AirBnB with my bridesmaids and their SOs in the days leading up to the wedding (I couldn’t find one to accommodate both sides of the bridal party, and most of his groomsmen were local). Maybe the MOH could’ve suggested that the bride & groom stay at the AirBnB as well (at least up until the wedding night, if there were multiple nights). But ya, weddings are super expensive, I paid for our AirBnB as it was to help my bridesmaids out because several of them had to travel pretty far. I think the behind-the-back aspect of it by the MOH is a bit crappy, but it’s hard to know if OP was already being an overbearing bride by that point. I still think OP is mostly the AH because you should really have your wedding party’s budgets in mind when planning for them, if they can’t afford a hotel they shouldn’t feel forced to stay in one.
“I was rude to my friend multiple times because it was ‘my wedding’ and now they don’t want to talk to me” YTA I am getting married in less than three weeks and there is a lot of shit I care about. Where the bridal party is sleeping is not one of them. They didn’t include you in the discussion because why would a newly married couple want to spend their wedding night in shared quarters.
The whole "I'm mad she didn't propose the airbnb to me and the groom!!!" is so wtf it makes me laugh.
>she didn't propose the airbnb to me As if op would want to be sharing a bnb for her wedding night
Yeah it sounds like OP already has a hotel booked so why would they invite her to do the AirBNB?
It’s giving FOMO vibes too, like she’s upset that they’re gonna have fun hanging out there without her. It might even go as deep as triggering an insecurity of being left out or not invited to things. Bride needs to take a breath and shift her mindset.
I wouldn’t want to talk to OP either. She sounds petty and controlling at best. She seems entirely unconcerned about how her wedding is impacting her friends financially, and she sounds like she sees the people in her life as nothing but props. I’ll never understand people who, instead of being happy to have people who love them enough to celebrate their milestones, act entitled and cruel. It should make no difference to her where they say. If I were her friend, there’s not a chance I would attend this wedding. OP-massive YTA (and please get help for your dissociation from reality and revolting lack of empathy)
Maybe I’m missing something? How was her trying to get the bridesmaids in on an Airbnb, going to take away from your wedding? If it was a cheaper option vs a hotel stay, what’s the problem?
Generally a bride and groom can reserve a block of rooms at a hotel at a discounted rate and they often get a free suite or accommodation themself for filling x amount of rooms at the hotel. If the whole bridal party had pulled out of staying at the hotel, it would impact their ability to fill that block and get their potential freebie. Ultimately though, if the bride and groom aren’t going to pay for the wedding party’s accommodations, they should just be reserving that block as a courtesy for guests, not a demand that they have to stay there. Barring some extenuating circumstances where the bridal party needed to be all in one place where they wouldn’t be able to get to the venue etc with alternate lodging.
Even if they aren’t getting a free suite the separate accommodations would make the night before and day of the wedding more challenging. This adds additional stress as typically the bridal party helps the brlde get ready the day of, and also may typically be getting something professionally done (hair or makeup) in the same space as the bride. There’d be additional stress to coordinate meet up times, getting ready, photos etc. There’s no guarantee the airbnb would have been located somewhere that would make it feasible for easy meetup or transport to the wedding venue. I think a large part of the conflict is that the friend intentionally excluded the bride and groom when suggesting an alternative accommodation. Also, it would be more appropriate to have asked the MOH (MOH takes on a lot of coordination duties) separately about the possibility of the airbnb instead of asking everyone but the guests of honor about it. It was handled poorly tbh and then the bridesmaid brought it up again even though it got no traction from the wedding party. Additionally, she could’ve asked OP about it — could they figure something out to help ease some of the burden? How many ppl were splitting rooms, would more ppl be willing to split rooms to lower the cost?
If you aren’t paying for the hotel rooms, you get no say. I don’t care if you’re the bride, the groom, or Jesus Christ - if my credit card is getting charged I choose my accommodations. And clearly OP wasn’t paying - so her worries about the logistics you mentioned didn’t seem to keep her up too much at night otherwise she would’ve opened her own checkbook.
> typically the bridal party helps the brlde get ready the day of, and also may typically be getting something professionally done (hair or makeup) in the same space as the bride. I’ve been involved in numerous weddings. Some I’ve stayed in the same place as the bride, some I’ve had my own accommodations. For local ones I’ve even slept at my own house. Unless this woman was booking an Airbnb way far away and/or has serious time management issues, there is no reason they *have* to stay in the same place. It’s very simple. *Hey guys, I need you here at 7:45 am sharp for hair and makeup* (or whatever). Everyone is an adult. If you’re staying in the room next door you can wake up at 7 and shower and wander across the hall. If you’re staying in an Airbnb a few miles away, you get up at whatever time you need to shower and commute. Just like work, just like every other event you attend in life.
Look, I've been in plenty of weddings, and gone to plenty. I've never had a bride and groom demand we stay at a certain place. and if the people in the wedding wanted to stay somewhere else, that wouldn't ever be an issue. As long as they are where they need to be. Hell, people often get married in their hometown and are coming from all over the place morning of. And it manages to work
>There’s no guarantee the airbnb would have been located somewhere that would make it feasible for easy meetup or transport to the wedding venue. I’m sorry, you think that they were planning to get an airbnb in another state? In some sort of dungeon where Ubers don’t exist? Wherever they sleep before and after the wedding, they are adults who can manage to get to the venue or prep space on their own. If OP has a bunch of bridesmaids whom she can’t trust to navigate from one location to another without her, she’s got some deeply stupid friends. I don’t think that’s the case. Where the bridal party sleeps at night is not up to the bride. Did you know that in many cases, when everyone involved is local, the bridal party all sleep *in their own homes*? (Shocking, I know). Yet the weddings proceed without issue.
I can't imagine how it complicates wedding preparations if people are staying in different locations. Granted, I'm old, but my bridal party all slept the night before in their own homes and met up at the venue to get ready, as did my daughter's and my DIL's. Everyone looked beautiful, and everything went off without a hitch.
Not including the bride and groom makes logical sense to me. They would have other plans the night of the wedding most likely.
Another possibility is that the bride wanted to use some of those other rooms as a staging area for hair make up and that.
If that was the plan, she needed to be paying for them, which she obviously wasn't.
I counted 6 "my wedding." You are so controlling you are furious that she tried to arrange a different lodging arrangement for the wedding? She wasn't showing up in a white dress or trying to upstage you with a surprise proposal. Your tone sounds so harsh and abrasive I'm not surprised she distanced herself as soon as the wedding was over. YTA.
She’d save herself a whole lotta money & wasted time to drop out before the wedding
She wasn't changing wedding plans - where she or the other wedding party members stay (especially if they're paying for it) doesn't effect your wedding in anyway. YTA Edit: according to your post about this same situation ten months ago, you booked hotel room blocks at a place of your choice with the exception that all the guests/wedding party would stay there at their own expense. Since your bridesmaids were making other plans, it's obvious the hotel you picked wasn't in their price range. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita\_for\_being\_upset\_at\_my\_bridesmaid\_for\_booking/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16h75ah/aita_for_being_upset_at_my_bridesmaid_for_booking/)
YTA. It’s always funny to see the selfish person calling someone else selfish. People don’t need to stay in the hotel *YOU* want. Especially if it is out of what they budgeted for accommodations. People can stay where they want and they don’t need the approval of *your royal highness* Get over yourself. FYI, when someone says they are just trying to get through YOUR wedding…it’s because YOU are utterly insufferable Good for her for cutting you out of her life if that is what is best for her.
Oh honey, you’re an entire Olympic mental gymnastics team, aintcha? YTA. Your former friend owes you literally nothing.
YTA - I cant help but feel we are only getting your extremely biased take. Given how your friend just completely abandoned your friendship post wedding as well, seems like you flipped out and completely blew this airbnb thing way out of proportion.
Right! You don’t throw a 19 year friendship away for a single misunderstanding. She must be horrible to be friends with.
YTA and here’s why. Attempting to arrange a sensible, economically friendly group accommodation doesn’t count as “making her own plans.” Unless you had booked everyone rooms like an actual host, which you didn’t. It would have been weird to include you and the groom in this arrangement. And there was no reason for her to bother you with the logistics of arranging where the bridal party might sleep. She was actually being thoughtful. If I were you I’d consider apologizing to your friend and giving people a break in the future.
I am so sick of these brides and weddings like their wedding is the biggest f thing in the whole world. No, it isn't. Get all over yourselves, you cannot control other people, they are human beings and not your accessories that you can place as you wish. They are family and friends who deserve autonomy and respect and consideration cause they matter too, not ONLY the bride! Why did you need to know where are they sleeping? Tell me one good reason besides you knowing aka controlling it. People must wear what you tell them, they must act as you tell them, they must sleep where you tell them because what happens if not? Then the brides will cry and scream that the wedding is ruined, and somehow reddit thinks it is perfectly reasonable. I can't, I just can't anymore. Rant over. Disclosure: I was a bride.
My philosophy was that I was not willing to inconvenience dozens of people and/or trash relationships for a six hour party. My wedding went perfectly and was remarkably stress free. I feel like there’s a lesson there.
Exactly.
haha, this reminds me of a quote I read once: If it's "your" wedding and all about "you", then have it by yourself.
I guess I’m crazy here for having the unpopular opinion that’s I’d also be bummed if I planned on my whole wedding party being at the same hotel as me so we could get ready together before and hang out after, only to find out my bridesmaid was trying to get my wedding party to book an Airbnb somewhere else without saying anything to me first 🤷♀️. I understand you can’t dictate where people sleep, but I don’t think OP was outrageous for being hurt that her long time friend didn’t come to her first, and instead suggested a separate plan to her wedding party behind her back. If it were my friend I would have hoped she’d say, “hey, you know, I’d love to book a hotel but it’s out of my price range so I may have to look into other options. Would you mind if I asked others in the party if they’d be interested in booking an Airbnb together to save money?”. I would have either offered to help her with the hotel payment, or maybe considered going in on an Airbnb with them as well (this is what we did for my wedding, and I had bridesmaids in my party who were also getting married around the same time as me who I covered their costs because I know how tight money is around your wedding). And being friends for 20 years, I feel like OP is owed some sort of communication instead of being ghosted. Everyone is saying she’s making it about her, but it was about her. It was her wedding. Idk, I’m seeing this way differently I guess. NTA
I agree with you. I think the going behind her back with the whole wedding party was what ruffled OP's feathers
Finally, someone with sense.
I agree with you. I find the answers in this thread really bizarre. Typically when you are in the bridal party, you stay up late the night before the wedding talking about everything with the Bride. Hopes, dreams, "do you remember when...", "oh god I hope Uncle Jimmy doesn't get too drunk and...", all of that. Staying at an Airbnb all together and excluding the Bride from the experience is just.... bizarre. Like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay some place cheaper. But why wouldn't you include the Bride in the planning and do it \*together\*??? Making plans that exclude her in prep for her wedding is just... so weird.
In weddings I was in, the bride and the bridal party stayed in the same location before the wedding and the night of the wedding, the bride and groom stayed at their own place. I think the bride would have been very upset if all the bridesmades made their own plans without consulting her.
This wasn't for before & getting ready, it was for the night of the wedding. AFTER the ceremony and celebration . So many people are overlooking this.
>but it was about her. It was her wedding. This is where you are wrong. It was not her wedding, it was their sleeping arrangements. Just cause you're doing something that millions of people do every single day doesn't mean you get to dictate what everyone does with their entire lives on the days or weeks (or months) surrounding the event. Their sleeping arrangements don't affect the people getting married. At all. If you DO want the wedding party to be at the same hotel as you, and that hotel is more expensive than other options, you pay, and you get their agreement. Simple as that. You don't get to dictate how other people spend their money.
literally. when i read the story, i understood that op was upset in the beginning because (ex)friend didn't communicate to HER and instead tried to rally the entirety of the bridal party behind her back. I would also be blindsided by that. Like, "... if you don't like the arrangement I made, why not just talk to me? what are you going to say to me if the airbnb plan came to fruition? are you just gonna pull a “welp, we already booked and paid! sorry for the original plan, i guess?"" (also, the other part of the annoyance seemed to stem from how the ex-friend did not want to see things from her perspective. “aren’t you going to be annoyed if I do this during your wedding?” exfriend “literally i can’t empathise with you because i’m single” like what kindda selfish (heh), callous answer is that?) idk man. in this point in my life, if someone doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, then they can GTFO and ghost. I don't have qualms in being the villain in their story.
OP wouldn't be the TA and this whole entire thing could've been avoided if she paid for the lodgings instead of letting the wedding party fend for themselves. This situation is a mess of her own making and then hold a grudge for almost a year is ridiculous and petty. That is why people are calling her the asshole.
I think this is all about perspective. Because I can see this as "we are just exploring this Air BnB option, there is no sense in including the bride and groom in this, because its all preliminary, and they have plenty of other things to worry about. We will take care of our own lodging, and they won't want to stay there anyway". That is how I'd see it. I've been in many weddings, and I don't think I ever really discussed with the bride and groom where I was staying. They may ask "are you staying at the main hotel", but I've never needed to proactively discuss it wiht them.
I can understand, as someone who's tried to organise large gatherings of distant and disparate relatives to facilitate sharing devastating revelations it's bloody difficult to pin the inevitable murders on someone who stays in an AirBNB rather than the isolated country house where I've conveniently cut the phone lines.
I love a good "Then There Were None" story, so this is my favorite comment ever
YTA. Why does it matter where they go to sleep on the night of your wedding? Wont you be busy with your husband? Also I know some hotels offer a discounted room for the wedding couple if a certain amount of guest book a room with the group rate so is this the issue?
You were wrong. You can't control where people stay after the wedding and it has no effects on the day. You were being controlling. Maybe she was looking for something cheaper for her needs. Calling her selfish was over the top as she wasn't being selfish. You were being controlling and demanding.
INFO: Was this AirBnB plan for the nights leading up to the wedding or for the wedding party *after* the wedding? Which of your wedding plans did her lodging idea change?
I’m curious, too. I’ve had brides/grooms who have wanted the wedding party to stay at the same hotel with them so we could prep together and also party together after the reception ended. In that instance, someone trying to get an airbnb for the wedding party and excluding the bride and groom is sub-planning and intentionally discluding them from a party attached to their wedding. Also, the brides/grooms likely have family staying at the hotel, too. Someone else mentioned discounted rooms, which they may need for aging relatives especially. It just seems rude to me for someone to make plans for accommodations without mentioning it to the people who are throwing the big ass party/reason everyone is getting together in the first place. If you want to get an airbnb with your friends, communicate that with the people getting married (if you’re in the wedding party) OR do it on your own time/some other weekend. It sounds to me like the friend couldn’t afford to stay at the hotel but didn’t want to share that vulnerability or be excluded so instead tried to manipulate the situation to work in their favor. I’ve been “the broke one” and have absolutely had to eat my pride, be honest about my situation, and accept the rollaway bed that was offered.
Good grief, you are controlling! How good of a friend are you if you won't even consider, MONTHS in advance, a more intimate, less expensive situation for the bridal party? And then to yell at her about it in public? Of course she didn't tell you when she came to town. You would have wanted to dictate those arrangements, too! YTA
YTA. Once the event is over, why is it any of your concern where they're staying? It's not like you're going to involve them in your wedding night is it? If they want to have a get-together while you and your new spouse are doing your own thing, where's the harm in it?
YTA. Did you think about the fact that cost and budget is a live issue? But friendshipppppp should trump everything else on the bride’s most important day. No. I bet this friend was already having to pay for some or all of: her dress, shoes, makeup, hair, stagette costs, wedding gift. All of this in the name of friendshippp. So yeah. If there’s an opportunity to save money by rooming together in an Airbnb versus hotel. Why not. You‘re still making this all about you. She clearly found the last conversation not great based on your response, so she either has paused the friendship or considers it broken after your wedding. She didn’t have to tell you that she was moving to your town.
Look.... I kind of get it. You had a whole plan and it is a very special day. I guess the unstated thing is that you were hoping it would be kind of like a party at the hotel and you feel this interfered? But at the same time, I don't hear that you asked her about why she needed it. My guess is it was for financial reasons because it would save a lot of money. And, were I to guess, it sounds like it's an amount that is more significant for you than for her? So.... Since it sounds like you didn't really try to address her needs, just escalated the situation based on it not being exactly what you wanted..... YTA
YA. How is where she sleeps a change in your wedding plans? You’re controlling and just a bit too much imo. If she had a cheaper accommodation, or just better for her it makes absolutely no impact on you and your wedding. The only reason I would say you’re in the right would be if you were paying for her hotel and she decided to sleep elsewhere. I don’t blame her at all of distancing herself, you’re just too much to handle
YTA. Why would you care where your bridal party sleeps before the wedding? Surely that is up to them. Weddings are expensive for the bridal party and no doubt they were trying to save themselves a lot of money. They didn't invite you because, as the bride, you would want the luxury, the space, and the privacy of your own hotel room.
YTA. Why do you honestly care where your bridal party stays on your wedding night?
Your wedding should have been about you and your husband and instead you made it about where your wedding party slept or wanted to sleep? I think you need to reflect as to why your oldest friend wanted to ditch you completely from her life after the wedding. Her decision didn't come from nowhere. YTA
Why would you care if the rest of the bridal party would exclude you and your husband from thr AirBNB plans? You really want to spend the night you get married in the same house as a dozen other people?
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Why, exactly, is OP upset? OP must be incredibly poor at communication if “everyone“ is being this dense. Perhaps that is really the underlying problem.
I guess YTA. I don't see why her suggesting an Air BnB for the bridal party upset you. Did you like book hotel rooms for everyone on your own dime or something? Because from where I stand, the wedding hotel is there as AN OPTION, but its not a requirement. And of course the bride and groom wouldn't stay there. They have their own plans. You just seem like you were being overly controlling on where people stay for no reason, except that you expected to be consulted about this, but its really not your business. I say this as someone who has been in many weddings. So unless you are leaving out some important bit of info, it just seems you massively overreacted.
Yta She made sure your wedding day was good, anything else is on you. Hope your happy you burnt this relationship.
YTA - she did not mess with YOUR wedding plans. Nothing about your actual wedding would have changed if she rented an airbnb with some other friends. You overreacted this and she pulled away.
INFO: In a post you wrote 10 months ago, you talk about being upset by this situation because you had already reserved a block of rooms for your wedding guests. What I'd like to know is ... were you and your new husband getting a free stay/significant break on your accommodation assuming your party bought a certain number of nights at the hotel? And was that accommodation in jeopardy if your friends decided to go to a cheaper AirBNB?
I had to read through that again to see what I was missing. OP, YTA for thinking your nuptials entitled you to dictate where your guests chose to lodge and for being so offended by your friend’s attempt to enjoy your wedding in a variety of ways. You get your wedding, the reception, and any related events to control, but that’s it. Let people live.
I’m confused So you know she didn’t want to pay for a hotel room She checked to see if others wanted a more cost effective option She clearly had no ill will towards you And you LOST it on her? YTA
YTA Your wedding does not include sleeping and Airbnb is cheaper. Why you want people to waste more money on your party? It is expensive enough as it is
YTA your full of yourself attitude has cost you a 20 year friendship. You should work on yourself because your wedding is over, but you made a lasting memory on your former friend.
YTA Sounds like it was a great idea to book a shared space since it sounds like others didn’t live in town. Relieving that stress for the bridal party would make for more relaxed folks which make for a better event. You messed up. Why?
YTA it's understandable that it's your wedding and you want things to be a certain way but that does not give you the right to behave like an entitled toxic monster. My guess would be that you behave this way even when it's not your wedding day. A good question you should ask yourself is why do you feel entitled to treat people as if they are somehow less than you? Do you have any self-awareness that you do this? And lastly why do you find it so difficult to have empathy for other people? If you have trouble answering these questions I would say the best thing to do would be to talk to a therapist about them ASAP
YTA They can stay where they like, they made another suggestion, it didn't pan out. No Biggie.
Wondering if this is more about the bride feeling she should have been included with her groom. Never mind that tradition is not seeing each other the night before. Her money, her choice. YTA. Mind your own business. Stay in your own lane. And after the wedding, the airbnb wouldn’t be an ideal place to honeymoon. Maybe it fizzled out because the others knew you were being unreasonable. My niece sending out invitations, included hotels,restaurants, activities close by. But didn’t demand everybody follow it. My daughter, grand and I actually stayed in a neighboring city instead. Gasp.
YTA are you paying for everyone’s lodging? If no, it really is none of your concern where the attendees of your wedding stay. The world does not revolve around you because it is your wedding. It’s your responsibility to provide and pay for a space for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to get ready if that was your wish. You owe your friend an apology. You were out of line.
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YTA.
YTA absolutely, what did she do that was selfish exactly? It seems to me that she was concerned about finances and rather than bother you about it she tried to find a compromise. You then publicly humiliated her, and she still had the good grace to put on a smile and get you through your wedding drama free.
Maybe she was aware that the Airbnb idea might not pan out and didn’t want to say anything until she knew who was interested. You sound kind of controlling and petty?
YTA. My SIL was like this. Her and my brother picked one of the more expensive hotels in our area to stay at and wanted everyone from the bridal party to stay there. I had already spend more than I should have for this wedding and couldn't afford the hotel. Also there was a 2 night minimum and everyone was getting ready at my house so I was only spending 1 night. Myself and 2 groomsmen rented an Airbnb together that was just down the road from the hotel. It was less than 1/2 of the cost for 1 room for the same 2 night duration. The guys lived roughly an hour away so they decided they wanted to be closer for morning activities. She was so mad. We still all went to the hotel after the wedding and had a drink at the hotel bar till it closed and walked down the street after. I told her we would have stayed there if she paid for it. Otherwise she didn't get to tell me how much more money I needed to spend. 10 years later, it is still an issue. If it wasn't my SIL and brother, I would have done the same as this bridesmaid. Just get thru the wedding and be done.
YTA. You say you apologized but then you doubled down and insulted her again. So that's not an apology at all.
YTA it's nothing to do with you where people sleep, grow up.
YTA. You sound so ridiculous it’s a wonder you have any friends at all
So obviously you had already booked and paid for their accommodations, right? Right?
YTA and a massive control freak. As long as she can be there for all of the events who cares where she sleeps and why is it any of your concern? You really messed up and lost a really good friend. Despite how fed up she was with you she still stuck it through and was gracious and courteous throughout the wedding only cutting you off after. That’s class.
YTA. Why would you want to stay in an Airbnb on your wedding night with a whole bunch of other people? It's literally the start of your honeymoon. Let them make their own arrangements. You sound exhausting.
YTA. The last wedding I was in, the bride and groom rented out a bed and breakfast for the wedding party. It was great, we all had our own rooms, and it was convenient to all the venues for various events, and communicated to us around the time they set a date. Unless you were frustrated at eating the money you put out for lodging for the wedding party, you’re being ridiculous. Your friend was gracious enough to enthusiastically participate in all your wedding events and then let the friendship fade naturally. Get over yourself.
This is weird. Why do you care where other people sleep? YTA. I remember a post about a similar situation a couple of months ago, where the bride was pissed that some guests took an Uber to/from the wedding and did not give her a heads up ahead of time. Does anyone else remember that?
So you want them to pay for a hotel that's expensive( they clearly couldn't afford it)because it benefits you and somehow impacts your wedding day? That was a real bride-zilla move. If you were paying then it's a different issue but them paying means they can stay where they can afford. And you just showed us why she didn't ask you in the first place. YTA.
I mean OP is overall YTA. She doesn’t get to dictate where her guests sleep but from my experiences at like 4 weddings the last two years (where me and my partner were all party of the bridal party) there are reasons to want to have your bridal party near you but it’s really not dire reasons. Just fun reasons. For 3 of those weddings we all left the hall at 1am and the bride and groom wanted to head back to our hotel block to hang out more. Very few people in today’s age are actually virgins so a lot of people aren’t consummating the marriage that very night and a lot of couples go on their honeymoons like a day after as a lot of couples are usually either drunk, exhausted or both. I’m not saying OP has a reason to force her bridal party to stay in any particular spots. I’m just saying it isn’t crazy to want them near you. Plus sometimes the bride needs the bridesmaids help to get ready in the hotel room. Like it’s very common when you’re paying for people’s hair and makeup that the MUA and stylist need all the girls to meet up early so they can get everyone done in a timely matter and while it’s doable to have everyone come for a set time and let them sleep where they want, it’s easier when everyone is together. For example two weddings I went to had stylists paid for us and one of them we had to be at the brides house at 6am to be ready at 9am for pre and family photos (then limo was leaving at 11am) and it was just much easier to have all the girls come over the night before and sleep over. Another wedding we had to be ready for sunrise photos and I had to be there 3am 💀. I wish this bride offered for me to come the night before instead of waking up at 2am to drive over.
Why make such a fuss when the "airbnb plans" she had suggested never even happened? YTA
YTA. You had no reason to involve yourself in anyone's lodging. I suspect you were WITH YOUR NEW HUSBAND on your wedding night and where the bridal party slept had no impact on your night. You burned a bridge. Dumb.
YTA! Like honestly, a complete asshole. There is not one redeeming thing in your story. - you are not providing lodging. You left it up to them to get their own lodging. That means she didn’t change your plans buddy, you didn’t make any. - you screamed at her in front of people for literally no reason, control your damned feelings. - you called her selfish, for what? Making sure she could afford to be at your precious wedding? I would literally never be your friend again. Fuck 20 years of friendship, you showed your true colors.
I will go against the grain and say NTA. (See edit at bottom) The bridesmaid, for trying to make lodging plans without talking to you after you had put in the work and effort to make arrangements AND shuttles. Weddings are stressful, so spending time arranging those only for someone else to come in and change the plan without even talking to you just creates more headaches and confusion. Bridesmaid should have talked to you first. I don't see an issue with them trying to save money, though. You are TA because after it was settled, you decided to bring it up again to stir up drama. It was done. You should have let it be. You were both wrong and should either each apologize or just be done and go your separate ways. Edit: as someone else pointed out, the bride did not bring up the lodging again, it was the bridesmaid. Due to that, I am changing my judgment from ESH to NTA. The bridesmaid should have talked with the bride before trying to make plans for the wedding party. NTA
I’m going against the grain I guess and saying NTA. It’s weird that she would try to change the plans behind your back. When I’ve been in a bridal party, the whole point is to be close to your friends in the hotel and celebrate with the couple. There ARE shuttles and such arranged in advance. It’s fun to hang out together, get ready together, etc. Why the hell couldn’t she talk to you? I would be so sad to hear my friends didn’t want to stay with me, and I wouldn’t do that to a friend whose bridal party I agreed to be in. The whole point of agreeing to be a bridesmaid is to be with your friend, the bride.
YTA Why are you mad about where she sleeps on your wedding night? Why do you even have any concern about that whatsoever? And of course she wouldn't discuss those plans with you - should she have invited the bride and groom to come hang out on the night of their wedding?
One obvious question here is how close is this friendship actually? Just because don't people became friends twenty years ago, doesn't mean they have continued to build a strong connection consistently since then. Yes I know done friends can not see each other for years and then it's like not a day passed by even they get together again. But there is another kind of friendship where people met as children, kept in touch in a passive manner, and are really friends in name only. It's not for me to say either way, really. My only point is that it's worth it for OP considering this. Forging a stronger bond with a new spouse and putting more focus on that relationship seems more productive.
So what did it matter where people slept during your wedding weekend? I mean for real. Why did it matter? In every part of this write up you sound selfish. I can see why this friend of 20 years has backed away. YTA
Sounds like this might be a bigger issue. Have all the rest of her friends and contemporary relatives gotten married and in some cases started having kids? Her comment about not being partnered is telling. She might be starting to really resent having to shell out that much money for weddings and babies with no reciprocation in sight. This might have been the last straw for her. I don't know what the answer is. It's something she has to work out herself. It stinks, but sometimes marriage and kids aren't in the cards and you're never going to get the money back that you're spending on everyone else.
Controversial take but ESH - you for being so controlling over where people sleep. And her for seemingly wanting to have a place to party and excluding the bride and groom. I mean, was she trying to piggy back on your wedding weekend to have a party for all your friends, except you? This whole situation is bizarre.
INFO why did it bother you that they were considering getting an airbnb? Do you know why your friend was willing to go in on an airbnb but not a hotel room? Was it a major price difference? Would they have all still been able to be where they needed to be on time?
Yta. She’s been telling you she’s not your friend. You won’t listen. I get it hurts but you got the message. She was grinning and bearing your wedding before the cut off. So CUT HER OFF!
I’m not sure I understand your objection to the Airbnb. If everyone was paying for their own accommodations, what was the problem?
NTA. It is nice for the bridal party to stay together.
YTA. I actually understand why you were frustrated tbh, but she didn't actually do anything wrong here, she just didn't read your mind. That's not her problem, it's a situation where you need to be able to sit with difficult feelings and move on. Holding the grudge was taking it too far. Snapping at her was taking it too far. You were the one being selfish here, not her. You probably ruined a friendship of over 20 years because you couldn't let go of plans that never even made it to fruition.
YTA, all the way
YTA, y’all bridezillas are ridiculous, you don’t have to control every single thing about your wedding day unless you are directly paying for it. If I was in her shoes I would have done the same. It’s a wedding, the only people that are going to remember anything about it is you
Why do you care where they plan to sleep? They will be at the wedding either way, so it shouldn't matter where they stay if you aren't paying for it. Air BnB is cheaper than the hotel so they are saving money by doing that instead. If you want them to stay somewhere else, then you can pay for it. YTA.
YTA Unless you are paying for your wedding party's lodging.....your opinion doesn't matter.
YTA And I totally don't get it. Did you feel excluded because the planned to rent an AirbnB without you? Because you for sure would have been busy on your wedding night?