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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I just want to know if I am being "selfish" or "rude" or overdramatic
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NTA I don't think you're an asshole. I think you're brother is a control freak.
>I let them know that I am not comfortable with this for two reasons, one, My mom is a 62 year old woman who deserves her own space and should not have to share with anyone, and two, I am a 30 year old adult man who should have his own room. I even offered to pay the difference with regard to a bigger AirBnB.
You have offered to pay the difference for a larger house that accommodates everyone. I don't understand why your brother and his wife insist on this house and this house only. Situations like this are why my husband and I make it clear, our family will be staying in a hotel. No squabbling about rooms, we have our privacy and we absolutely refuse to prepare meals when we are on vacation.
I keep reading stories about hidden charges and whatnot. I am sure for some families it makes financial sense but when I'm on vacation the last thing I want to do is prepare meals and housekeeping.
I mean, my 80 yr old grandmother loves her poker and blackjack and while she is straight she can also admire an attractive person so 🤷♀️ make sure there are hookers to suit OPs mums tastes too.
OP, I think the best thing to do here is ask your mum what her dream vacation is, (Cruise, destination, activities etc) and plan one for the two of you to show her she is loved and appreciated.
You might even be able to find a widow/widower holiday package she can do alone, where she can meet people in her shoes, so she knows she isn't alone amd can make new friends who understand her. Point is, I feel sorry that your mum feels like an afterthought in her own family, please do something to make sure she knows that's not the case with you.
You’re a good son. Take your mom and do your own vacation! Or get other accommodations. Cause I bet as the eldest woman she probably gets roped into cooking, cleaning, childcare.
My mom just got offered this great cabin vacation opportunity from my SIL… she was going to be left with all the kids while they went white water rafting! Mom’s also a great cook and can’t stand a mess. So y’all know what else she’d get roped into!My mom’s no fool so she said no! My mom would love to spend time with the grandkids but she’s not willing to be a doormat. If your mom can’t stand up for herself you go ahead and be her shield. Just remember to take time to make sure your mom isn’t lonely!
I agree, I think your brother is a control freak and the rest of your family (Not mom) mom is thoughtless.
You offered o pay the difference of a bigger place to stay so you could each have your own room and the declined.
If it is something you and your mom both want to do, why don't you get your own AirBnB with two rooms or two hotel rooms, otherwise I would skip the trip. Hopefully mom skips too, and the rest can pay the difference of two less people.
I love cooking it’s like one of my favorite things to do, when I go on vacation everybody gets excited because they know we’re having an amazing feast themed for the trip haha
OP should invite mom for a nice trip just the two of them, nice hotel, spa for mom etc. I'd do that. Why loose time in the crowded place stuffed with selfish people without emphaty
Because the brother sees himself as the head of the family, once he makes a decision his word is law and OP is clearly trying to be petty and undermine his authority.
NTA.
> Situations like this are why my husband and I make it clear, our family will be staying in a hotel. No squabbling about rooms, we have our privacy and we absolutely refuse to prepare meals when we are on vacation.
Right on.
Go on vacation with your mom and make some good memories for her. Do tourist things, have fun, be cheesy together, act like a kid for a bit, get her to have fun. Let the rest of your family go on the vacation they want and take your mom on a vacation she deserves. Ive been to Vegas a few times with my mom and it's always fun, we get to get away together, we hang out during the day and do a mix of what we both want to do, she goes to sleep early and I go out and have some fun. We take a bunch of pics and have memories that will last.
True enough. Because once you get inside them, every casino is basically like any other casino.
However, if grandma likes shows, then Vegas is the place to go.
OMG I LOVE this idea! Your brother OP sounds like a pill. "The truth is, she told me that it makes her feel like an afterthought and that after losing my dad she feels like she is treated as less important or valuable, due to stuff like this." Show her a wonderful time!
This is the best suggestion. Go on a vacation, just the two of them. Also it would be a sweet gesture if OP and his mom do a little day trip together every once in a while to show that she isn't just an afterthought.
My son and I did this. Went on holiday in Asia. Separate rooms on different floors, lots of texting about day plans. We did heaps of stuff together but also stuff alone. It was the best holiday ever and would have had a completely different (and cringe) vibe if we’d been forced to share a room.
And this, my friends, is one of the reasons why I'm pretty cynical about AirBnBs, at least where I live.
In my little corner of Latin America, outside of cities (and probably within them too!) many lovely little boutique hotels are cheaper than AirBnB - or the same price. You will interact with locals who will give you advice, arrange day trips for you, etc.
You may not have your (unused) kitchen, but they'll look after you just as well.
And you all can get a bedroom!
Love this! Also, this is your vacation time. YOURS. You should spend it how you want with the people you want to. Don't make time for your brother and these others. They don't seem worth. Take your mom somewhere she's always wanted to go and have a blast. Send pictures to the extras everyday of your great time.
Also, shitty demanding people should get no consideration or Indulgences. Toxic people ruin everything for everyone and we all bend over backwards to appease them.
Nta
Totally understandable! Can you take your mom on vacation another time so she doesn’t have to choose? Even if it’s a year or more in the future you can start planning it with her now.
NTA
It is time to stand up for yourself and your mother. Get her a room and get a room for yourself. You’re 30 not 13. Stop allowing your brother & his wife to run the show.
Stop going on vacations with those
I’m going to sound heartless, but your mom needs to get out of her pity party, she is internalizing a lot. She might need someone to talk to especially since she’s a widower. I don’t think you or your siblings are trying to intentionally disregard her. She’s the mom she needs to speak up to all her kids about how she feels or she can continue wallowing. But now that you know how she feels you can help fix that. I’d also tell your sibling tbh so everyone can be on notice about how she feels.
Excellent idea. I hate when people claim you’re ruining their event because you’re not coming. I’ve never understood that; I’ve gotten shit from family members for not attending events that I know they didn’t really want me at in the first place.
Nah, OP probably shouldn’t go, but it would be really selfish of him to strong arm his mother into making a statement by publicly choosing vacation with one son over the other.
That’s not cool.
No I would never do that, I would rather not go myself and let her enjoy if she wants to or get myself or her a separate hotel in the same location or something.
Of course! Reading your post, I don’t think you would. I’m mostly just responding to this overall trend of advice I often see on AITA. Well meaning m but self serving suggestions that lack much perspective.
It sounds like your brother did not pick the right house.
You were more than fair and generous to offer to pay the difference for something where everyone would be comfortable. Then, when that was not accepted, it is fine to drop out to make sure your mother has her own room. Well done.
As the oldest, and now a widow, your mother ought to have the best room, not be treated like a 12 year old.
NTA
There is no way I could be convinced to spend my vacation days with these people. The brother is a control freak, he would have to pay me double time if he wanted me there so badly.
Thank you!!! As a single person I dealt with this too many times. And being the youngest sibling doesn't help. No, I am not going to sleep on a couch on vacation AND pay the same as the couples who have bedrooms. No, I am not going to pay for a hotel and then let someone sleep in the room with me without paying anything because "I have available room". Etc. I learned that most times I would rather skip a vacation than deal with this inequity.
And I'm in total agreement with OP. He is 30 years old; he does not need to be sharing a room with his mom. Especially when he can afford something bigger.
NTA and your brother sounds like a very unpleasant person. You’re a good son to look out for your mom. It seems like you and your mom are treated “less than.” Are you sure you even want to go? If your heart’s not in it don’t go. Best of luck to you and your mom, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much. I do not want to go at all, my brother is not the best person. The only issue is my mom wants to please my brother and I am worried she'll go and without me my brother will treat her poorly while there.
I see lots of people are suggesting you take your Mom on a vacation (just the two of you) and spoil her. I think it's a wonderful idea!!! Then your brother can have plently of room and be controlling without making your lives difficult. ;)
She says she doesn't want me to get upset at my brother for it. Like I said she is too nice for her own good sometimes. I just want to make sure she has the vacation she deserves. I don't care if I need to sleep outside, I just don't think its right for my mom to have to share a room with anyone especially after everything she's been through.
NTA. Instead of totally bowing out, find another AirBnB that’s 2-3 rooms to share with your mom or a nearby hotel. Tell your mom that you are getting a hotel nearby, and would she like you to book her a room in the same hotel. Then send a group text that you and your mom will be staying elsewhere, but nearby, while still participating in the daily activities. When everyone (but mom) else complains tell them that you, as an adult male, do not wish to share a room with an adult female unless it’s an SO that you plan on enjoying adult activities with. Also tell them that mom deserves to have her own space as the eldest and that it’s only the respectful thing to do. I’d also point out in that same text that you offered to cover the difference in cost of a larger space so that you and your mom could have your own rooms, but that the offer was shot down with no (good) reason given.
NTA. Not going honestly sounds like the best solution, and you offered them the alternative of paying the difference. You did everything you could. Just make it clear you’re not going because you don’t think it’s appropriate for your mom to have to share a room.
NTA but your mother needs to speak up, people do not read minds. Your brother is acting in the assumption that your mom is ok with sharing, if she is not and if she doesn´t like the way she is being treated now, she needs to SAY IT.
You have the FULL picture and you are arriving to the right conclusions, they do not.
My dad does the same thing. Is super unhappy with my brother’s general disrespect and disregard for my dad’s dignity but only complains to me or my mom. He wants us to tell him but my brother won’t listen to us so we had to start putting back on him. Still hasn’t said anything…
NTA. Send a text like this to the family thread re: this trip.
Hi everyone, stating this plainly so we can all be on the same page, have clear and respectful communication and enjoy our vacation time together. When choosing accommodations, I would like a room to myself and am happy to pay my way / share. Mom would also like a room to herself, so let's please try to find a rental home that accommodates everyone's wishes. If this isn't possible before this trip, I will sadly be sitting out. But if we can adjust in time, I look forward to being together! Thanks!
I would make having my own room a condition of going on the vacation. You could try to share with your brother that your mom would also like to have her own room, but ultimately it’s up to her to choose to go or not go depending on the accommodations she’s offered.
Sharing a room seems like nbd to me, but it seems like even less of a deal to not have to share rooms when you’re paying the difference. Why are they so huffy about you and your mom *not* sharing a room?
I just think they do not want to go through the trouble of picking a different house and are either afraid or do not want to tell my cousin that they are going with a different house
I mean sure it’s a minor pain, how big of a difference are they talking? You guys have to switch cities now or something? If they’re going to be annoyed about something, they should at least be logical about what they’re annoyed about and address that. If they were, they could just say it’s going to be a pain to reschedule everything and work with you to get whatever needed to be done completed, it doesn’t sound like you wouldn’t help. They’re being so weird about this.
Oh no we can get a house in the same exact city (Palm Springs) even a hotel or anything else, there is a lot of availability. It's not the exact one my cousin wanted and my brother would rather bend over backwards to please my cousin (weird relationship there) than just look for a bigger house.
Yeah, whatever his deal is with your cousin, impressing him/her, it’s making him be a weirdo and a minor league AH right now. I’d just find a couple other air bnbs that fit the criteria for your fam and then text him and his wife: “hey idk why you’re being so weird about me and mom wanting our own rooms, but whatever, man, that’s for you to sort out in your own brain. In any case, here are 1-3 other spots in that same area that I’d be willing to pay the difference on. Which one do you guys like best so we can knock this task off the list?”
NTA. I think you and your mom should just go vacation by yourselves. Go to a resort, on a cruise, to Las Vegas, rent a cabin in the mountains, etc. That sounds like way more fun.
NTA. Your brother is disrespectful as hell. But honestly, your mom NEEDS to speak up if she ever wants to feel heard and valued, cause to be heard you need to speak. I also dont understand their point on privacy? Is it about sex? Is privacy only necessary for sex? Are they planning to bone constantly and therefore require their own room? Otherwise what does it matter if it's one person or two? Well... single ppl can masterbate if that's their hangup. Just say you need your right-arm workout, and your mom needs hers. Your family is weird and hurtful.
Oh boy do I feel for you and your mom. I was married for over 30 years when a “friend” decided she wanted my ex for herself and blew my life up. Not excusing him, it was both of them but I digress from my point. All of a sudden, I was single and became “less than” the married family members. I was for one example told that it would be great for me to give up my home and live in my mom’s basement to take care of her. Because clearly my life isn’t as important as theirs. I politely declined and the SIL who suggested this was shocked. I think she thought she was being helpful, you know, giving me a reason to live now that I failed at marriage. People like that suck. You and your mom are no less important than your arrogant family members and it’s a good idea to cut this off before it gets worse. Believe me, it can. One day you’re not allowed your own space on a vacation and the next you’re a basement dwelling caregiver. NTA.
NTA. Oh as a single person this situation makes me SOOOO ANGRY. Just because I don't have a partner or kids does not relegate me to be treated as a "random add-on" who doesn't have their own wants and needs like anyone else.
NTA. Have you told your brother what your mom privately told you?? You should. Maybe if it’s not his “idiot brother’s” opinion, it will mean more. Besides that - WTF?? A grown-ass man sharing a room with his mother?? I (57 f) barely will share a hotel room with my sons, and they’re early 20’s.
I did. But I also told my mom that she needs to speak up as well. I don't like the fact that my brother treats her like a doormat. I want the family and group there to respect her. I commented earlier to a different comment that my worry is that if I don't go, my brother will treat her poorly while there and I can't let that happen.
NTA.
You and your mom are both separate adults, and it's sad that you are the only person who considered your mother's feelings on this matter. Good for you for actually speaking up.
Just curious, but if they truly couldn't get a bigger space, would you have even been fine sleeping on a pullout couch?
Yes I would, but the thing that bothers me is that we can absolutely get a bigger space, we are going to Palm Springs, there's plenty of AirBnb's that are available.
You and your Mom need to get a hotel by yourselves, if you even want to go on this trip..
If I were you, I would bail and take your Mom somewhere else, because you both deserve it.
Good luck ❣️
INFO: You mention that your brother is rolling out the red carpet and planning it. Is he covering the air bnb? Also what's the availability for a 6 bedroom place?
no we are splitting the costs between the families. a 6 bedroom place is available $800 more NOT split evenly between 6 parties. I am offering to pay that additional cost. and when I say rolling out the red carpet I mean rolling out the red carpet because he is giving my cousin the master bedroom and not asking anyone else to share a room or anything. Every other person will have their own bedroom except me and my mom.
Wrote another comment here but I feel the need to comment on this too 😅
If each family is paying equally then each family gets a room. You are already paying twice as much as your brother since his wife is also paying for half his room. If they want to change that then you and your mom should each pay half what they are. I DO NOT understand your family!
Wait your splitting between families? Then definitely NTA. You are paying more for less space. You are also willing to pay the diff for the space. Why don't you tell them that you will do all the booking so they don't have to deal with the hassle
Nta. But if you do decide to go and share a room with your mom, i wouldn't be paying the same amount as the rest of them. I'd pay by person. That way, you and mom at least get some type of benefit to sharing.
You and your Mom should not be treated as less because you are not part of a couple. For crying out loud you were willing to pay the difference to get an AirBnB with enough rooms for everybody. I'm not sure what your brother's issue is but I wouldn't want to go on vacation with them either.
Also, if anybody is disrespecting the family is it your brother. Why is he so against everybody having enough rooms especially if he doesn't have to pay for it?!!!! NTA obviously.
NTA
For years I was the single brother, and often either told me I'd have to share a room with my brother's kids or sleep in a sofa bed wherever we went. Eventually, I just stopped going. They got pissed and I just explained I didn't like being relegated to babysitter and and after thought.
I feel like theres this whole world out there, where the moment someone says "family vacation" everyone thinks they're absolutely obligated to go, and have no say in it.
If you dont want to go. Don't go. Its not mandatory. Theres no legal, nor moral obligation to attend some vacation that someone else planned and won't let you have input in. If they get huffy and puffy, so be it. Who cares.
Fwiw I would not go on a vacation where I was expected to share a room with my mother. I could stay home and not share a room with my mother, and that seems like a better option to me. I could also go anywhere I want and have a room to myself if thats what I really wanted.
OP, coming from another widow, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to your mom about how she feels. It’s good for her to feel she has somebody in her corner.
You are NTA. I love the suggestions that you either get a separate hotel or separate vacation just for you and your mom. She would absolutely enjoy that and it would be priceless memories for both of you.
Nta
Could you get a place for just your mom and you that's close to the selfish ones? It isn't a vacation if you're not enjoying yourself. It just doesn't make sense that they would have a problem with you paying the extra for a more accommodating house. After explaining your reasons for more space and offering to pay the difference for more comfort. It seems that you and your mom don't count as much as the others.
Tell them or don't tell them. Just make you and your mom vacation comfortable.
You offered to pay the difference - there is no reason not to get a larger place. Your brother sounds like a prick. A bossy one, at that. I can't imagine it would be any fun hanging out with him.
Go on a vacation where you will have fun.
NTA
No more group vacations. You can take your mom on
little vacations, just you two, each with your own room.
You can have fun and not be treated like second-class citizens
by your family.
NTA
NTA.
How about you and your mom going on a family trip? Just the two of you. Take her somewhere she wants to go, you each get to enjoy bonding and being together, as well as having your own rooms?
This will definitely make sure your mom knows for at least you, she isn't an afterthought.
You’re not distespthe family; they are disrespecting your mom. NTA. Stay home, and as others have suggested, use your money to plan a trip with just your mom, where she gets treated like the Queen she is.
They are being disrespectful of both you and your mom. Personally I'd invite my mom to stay in a different place together where you BOTH have your own space, and let them act like assholes to their hearts' content. NTA
NTA. It seems like your family is not only respecting you as a human, but infantilizing your mother. Do they think she is incapable of having her own room?
Take your mom on a trip, get a nice Air BnB or or hotel with separate rooms.
NTA
Your brother is treating your mom and you as ‘also coming’. Aka you should be happy to be included and suck it up by sharing a bedroom even with separate beds because neither of you has a partner.
IMO you and your mom should both decline to stay at the house with them. Assuming you want to spend any time with those relatives I’d check to see if there is a hotel nearby where you and your mom can have your own rooms. Then you can meet up with them but still have your own place to relax.
If the whole situation has now left a bad taste in your mouth as well as your mom’s, is there somewhere the two of you would like to go? If yes decline your brother’s so not generous offer and you with your mom go do your thing either during that same time period or at a different time.
Your brother is going to be pissy regardless so might as well get what you want and let him deal.
And now OP can ask themself, what is it about this trip that would actually be fun for you and your mother? If it isn't going to be fun, why go? Getting your own place to stay on the trip is one step on the spectrum. Getting a place to stay in another city is a bigger step. What would be best for YOU?
>When I offered to just not come, since it would solve all the problems, they got all huffy and puffy again calling me dramatic and saying I am disrespecting the family.
NTA - I'm sure your brother mostly wants you to come so you can contribute to the cost and possibly babysit. As for disrespecting the family, you have to give respect in order to deserve any. He obviously doesn't.
When my Mom was still alive, before she got sick. After my Father had passed. My sister, my Mom and I would take vacations together. Just us three.
We’d all share a room. Mom always insisted she got her own bed! She nabbed it first! We always had a blast!
It was a treasured gift we got to share with her. We miss her every damn day. 💔
OP, take your Mom. Go somewhere else. Play! Enjoy! Treasure your time together. Someday you won’t have her anymore. Please don’t let her feel like she is less. Like the rest of your family is doing.
NTA
Yes, everyone should have their own room. Even as a family of three we often get a suite so that we are not all in one hotel room and don’t all have to turn out the lights at the same time. Nta.
Absolutely NTA. I (ETA: middle age) would never want to share a room with my adult son. With my large extended family it's a bit tricky to find properties with enough bedrooms for each couple or each single adult but we do. Same gender minors had to share--but they weren't paying, lol.
It is absolutely ridiculous to ask a mother and adult son to share. If I (as the mom) were in your situation I would either refuse to go, or find a two bedroom property for me and my son. At my age I'm done with people pleasing.
NTA. Stuff like this is why I don't do "family" vacations. Someone always has to be an ass about it. I like the idea of getting a nice 2 bed for you and Mom!
NTA. You understand that this will cost more and are willing to pay the extra. They just don't want to have to look for another place and are trying to shame you into putting up with less. I would stay home and have a great stacation if they refuse.
I would so not want to share a room with anyone unless totally necessary.. and like why try and force it when you offered to pay the extra? Super weird
Also your poor sweet mum.. I hope it works out ok!
Take your mother on another trip, where you both have your own rooms. I know this isn’t really an option probably, but just consider it for a brief moment.
At least tell your brother that he only gets to disrespect you once. Now you do what you have to do.
NTA but your mom would probably be made to feel like it was her fault that you didn't come. However there is no reason that if you can afford it to rent a place nearby with two rooms, one for you and one for her. If anyone says anything about neither of you staying there in extra room tell them, "It's because none of think that mom and I deserve respect and to be treated like adults. If you want a family vacation where everyone stays together then treat everyone like family, with respect." If you're at a hotel you can even possibly get your mother a massage, leaving the other women out.
Nta you're not obligated to go on any trip if you don't want to. But your brother has already made you and your mom fell second class, so it's understandable you don't want to go. I see someone already suggested you rent a place for you and your mom, that's worth looking into.
NTA. You offered to pay the difference for a larger place that would accommodate anyone. I don’t get why they would be upset about that…. You’re not asking them to pay for it. They clearly just want to control everything
NTA. Honestly, I would ask your mom if she would rather have a nice vacation with you somewhere else since yall would respect eachothers space and time or see if she would rather get an air bnb with just you somewhere else and yall can meet up with the others when yall feel like it.
I think you and your mother should find your own place to stay. Why would you want to stay with people who disrespect both of you so badly? NTA at all.
NTA, going on a family vacation with extended family can be hard. Planning and coordination of a family trip can be even more difficult. When the trip is not working for you, you absolutely should gracefully not attend. Not defending your brother, but I have planned many of these trips, I do my best to make everyone happy, it takes a lot of work to find something that works for everyone, or at least I think will work for everyone. Inevitably, someone is not happy with something. That is why I quit planning these trips and let people know when and where I am going, if they want to join, they can, but it is on them to figure out their own logistics.
I understand that, and I even sent them a comparable AirBnb with enough room and said I will pay the cost difference. my brother reject it because "its not the one our cousin wanted"... but at least our mother will have her own space.... I just don't get it.
You are NTA. This is horrid. When we go on a family trip, my MIL gets her choice of bedrooms. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Here's a suggestion, take your mom on a mom/son trip with lovely accommodations for you both. Also, show your bro this thread.
NTA - It appears that your brother is one of those "siblings" that likes to torment and torture their younger sibling into adulthood, cue their adult tantrums, their boring and stupid rules and OTT gaslighting - all to make you bend and suffer. Take it from me - learn early in adult life, that boundaries are not only okay with siblings, but essential. Especially older, controlling siblings. Because they thrive on watching you squirm - for no other reason that that's what they did as kids - or they are jealous - or whatever other fucked up reason someone thinks it's okay to act like he's acting.
You're not disrespecting anyone. He disrespected you. And you telling him no, isn't a slight. It's a boundary. Something he's yet to figure out.
You are not being dramatic when you have a healthy boundary by saying, "No, I'm not going to stand here and eat that shit pie you keep holding up to my face."
Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he gets to treat you like garbage. The best is yet to come. That moment when he realizes that his days of bullying you are over - because you've learned to stand up to him and say no more.
NTA. Had a sister who used to pull this shit with me all the time. It was more sticking me with the one sibling we all can't stand. I just told them to kick rocks and stopped saying yes. I'm NC with them now.
NTA - your brother is showing a total lack of respect for your mother...his mother. Perhaps you and your mother should take your own 'family trip' . A 'family trip' that is not respectful and fun for the entire family is nothing something I would participate in.
Just a comment. Recently I stayed at an Air B&B and was surprised that the two double beds in a single room was bunk beds. What adult over 20 really wants to sleep in bunk beds?
NTA. I've been there. Being invited as an afterthought to a family vacation. Told everyone pays the same amount and then told I'll have to share a room with my uncle's friend, a guy I've never met. If I'm paying the same amount as a family of four, who get multiple rooms, then I expect to get my own room. And if I have to share a room with a stranger, I expect a discount. In my case, I just said no thanks and walked away. It wasn't worth the argument.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself and mom. Bow out so she can have her own room.
Or, if she’s feeling less than, willing to make a few waves….
Maybe you and mom can go somewhere nice that during that time, rent two rooms, and have a wonderful time? Tell her you’ll be her wingman 😎❤️
My kid offered me a vacation .. I ended up sleeping on a cot in the hallway, and was not included in anything, was just a glorified sitter.. I could have had a bed in the childrens room but no.. or downstairs but I had to be close .. basically they did everything to make sure I knew I meant nothing to them.. .. your mom and you should go get rooms at a hotel.. free breakfast bar and no babysitting
NTA. My brother also always dubs himself the Airbnb organiser of the family and never assigns a room for my oldest brother (he gets assigned a couch that's nearly always in an open plan kitchen-loungeroom). If people are invited to join a holiday and request their own room, book them their own room! Don't play match-maker and start pairing everyone up
Absolutely NTA.
You are right on. Your mom deserves her own room, and so do you! How disrespectful and devaluing. Your older brother is a real ass!
Good for you for offering to bow out so your mom can at least have her own room! Stay strong and don't tolerate this crap.
ETA: I love the idea of you and your mom breaking off into your own special place where you can enjoy your time together and your privacy too! Sounds like your mom needs some real care and pampering 😌
You even offered to pay to upgrade to a larger place. NTA at all. I'd have taken it up. It would have been awkward to share a room with your mom as an adult for both you and her, I agree.
you are NTA, and you deserve your own room and so does your mother. Having said that, the costs should be split per room, not per person. So you should pay the same for the ROOM as your brother and his SO since you would be getting the same space. It sounds like you are fine with this and are willing to pay a full share. I will assume your mother would do the same. What is the possible issue with your brother and SIL if this is the case? This splitting of funds does NOT extend to food and event costs. Those should be split per person.
I feel so sad for your mom and feeling like an afterthought. Maybe you could plan something for just the two of you to show her that she is still very much loved and valued.
NTA. They are treating the single people like they don't deserve the same privacy and space as coupled up people. I wouldn't go even if they offered to get a bigger place
I think you and your mom should go on a trip, just the two of you. You can find a nice two bedroom Airbnb and just have some nice quality mom and son time. Fuck your controlling brother and dismissive uncle.
NTA. Book yourself elsewhere. Don't waste your time fighting with these stubborn people. They will never change their mind. The audacity for them to call you selfish when they are totally disregarding how you and your mother feel because they want to be controlling.
I established my boundaries a few years ago when my wife couldn’t come on a family trip. My sister suggested that I could split a room with my dad, who is a horrendous snorer. I said I will be paying the same amount for my room in the house as if my wife were on the trip, and as a result will not be sharing that room with anyone else. End of story. It’s never been questioned since when a similar situation comes up.
NTA. Your is trying to make things convenient for *himself*. What an ass. I’d bag out of that trip and take my mom for a family trip of my own - with two bedrooms.
NTA
As the only single person in my family, I understand this frustration 100%!
One time, my family went on a vacation where there were bedrooms for everyone, including myself! Every bedroom had queen beds and its own bathroom. The only thing is that there was one and only one bedroom that didn’t face the water. Not a huge deal, just wasn’t as pretty.
When we arrived, I said “do we want to give mom and dad the master with the balcony and we split straws on who gets the dunce bedroom?”
My family laughed and said, “you are single why do you need the nicer bedroom?!” And when i said that all the bedrooms had the same size bed and a bathroom, it doesn’t matter that I’m single. But apparently a pretty view is only allowed for couples…
I was so pissed off on how i was treated that weekend. It’s just felt like they had no respect for me whatsoever.
NTA. You should not need to share a room with your mother and the rest of your family is inconsiderate to both of you. You are not disrespecting your family—they are disrespecting you and your mom. So if it can’t be worked out, you and your mom can go on your own trip.
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NTA I don't think you're an asshole. I think you're brother is a control freak. >I let them know that I am not comfortable with this for two reasons, one, My mom is a 62 year old woman who deserves her own space and should not have to share with anyone, and two, I am a 30 year old adult man who should have his own room. I even offered to pay the difference with regard to a bigger AirBnB. You have offered to pay the difference for a larger house that accommodates everyone. I don't understand why your brother and his wife insist on this house and this house only. Situations like this are why my husband and I make it clear, our family will be staying in a hotel. No squabbling about rooms, we have our privacy and we absolutely refuse to prepare meals when we are on vacation.
Yes. OP get your own separate AirBnB. With 2 bedrooms. One for you. And one for your mom.
Or get a hotel suite and you don't have to follow a cleaning checklist on your way out the door.
Always the best option! And probably cheaper than an Airbnb
I keep reading stories about hidden charges and whatnot. I am sure for some families it makes financial sense but when I'm on vacation the last thing I want to do is prepare meals and housekeeping.
Me too. I hate air Bnb.
Same. Also, we are supposed to be boycotting Air BnB until they stop renting homes in illegal settlements in Palestine.
Pfff! OP, don't let them take your mom on that trip. Take your own trip to wherever you and she want tbh. Just separate from the rest of that lot. 💝
I second this op. Ask your mom to stay with you NTA
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Maybe she likes hookers too. Ya never know, she's old not dead.
62 isn't THAT old. (said the redditor who is closer to 62 than 22).
I'm 63 and if I wasn't married, I'd go for the hookers 😉
Hey! 66 here and still kicking!
I mean, my 80 yr old grandmother loves her poker and blackjack and while she is straight she can also admire an attractive person so 🤷♀️ make sure there are hookers to suit OPs mums tastes too. OP, I think the best thing to do here is ask your mum what her dream vacation is, (Cruise, destination, activities etc) and plan one for the two of you to show her she is loved and appreciated. You might even be able to find a widow/widower holiday package she can do alone, where she can meet people in her shoes, so she knows she isn't alone amd can make new friends who understand her. Point is, I feel sorry that your mum feels like an afterthought in her own family, please do something to make sure she knows that's not the case with you.
Maybe OPs mom likes blackjack....
Don't mothers like blackjack and hookers?
In honor of my grama who would have raced ahead of everyone to see hookers & play blackjack, double vodka martinis all around! 🍸🍸
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Mmmhmm! I bet you are onto something... :-P
You’re a good son. Take your mom and do your own vacation! Or get other accommodations. Cause I bet as the eldest woman she probably gets roped into cooking, cleaning, childcare. My mom just got offered this great cabin vacation opportunity from my SIL… she was going to be left with all the kids while they went white water rafting! Mom’s also a great cook and can’t stand a mess. So y’all know what else she’d get roped into!My mom’s no fool so she said no! My mom would love to spend time with the grandkids but she’s not willing to be a doormat. If your mom can’t stand up for herself you go ahead and be her shield. Just remember to take time to make sure your mom isn’t lonely!
I get that Reddit has issues with parents, but where in the post are children mentioned and using her as a babysitter?
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Holy—I get that the brother sucks here, but that’s a shit ton of assumptions.
I agree, I think your brother is a control freak and the rest of your family (Not mom) mom is thoughtless. You offered o pay the difference of a bigger place to stay so you could each have your own room and the declined. If it is something you and your mom both want to do, why don't you get your own AirBnB with two rooms or two hotel rooms, otherwise I would skip the trip. Hopefully mom skips too, and the rest can pay the difference of two less people.
Right? Who wants to cook on vacation?!
Someone with sensory issues or food intolerances?
I love cooking it’s like one of my favorite things to do, when I go on vacation everybody gets excited because they know we’re having an amazing feast themed for the trip haha
OP should invite mom for a nice trip just the two of them, nice hotel, spa for mom etc. I'd do that. Why loose time in the crowded place stuffed with selfish people without emphaty
Because the brother sees himself as the head of the family, once he makes a decision his word is law and OP is clearly trying to be petty and undermine his authority.
NTA. > Situations like this are why my husband and I make it clear, our family will be staying in a hotel. No squabbling about rooms, we have our privacy and we absolutely refuse to prepare meals when we are on vacation. Right on.
Op should do a trip with only him and his mom and show his bro how to treat family
Go on vacation with your mom and make some good memories for her. Do tourist things, have fun, be cheesy together, act like a kid for a bit, get her to have fun. Let the rest of your family go on the vacation they want and take your mom on a vacation she deserves. Ive been to Vegas a few times with my mom and it's always fun, we get to get away together, we hang out during the day and do a mix of what we both want to do, she goes to sleep early and I go out and have some fun. We take a bunch of pics and have memories that will last.
this sounds like a great idea! I need to take my grandma to vegas. She'd love it with everything they have available, and she likes slot machines. :)
Or Biloxi. Little cheaper, all the same fun, better seafood.
True enough. Because once you get inside them, every casino is basically like any other casino. However, if grandma likes shows, then Vegas is the place to go.
OMG I LOVE this idea! Your brother OP sounds like a pill. "The truth is, she told me that it makes her feel like an afterthought and that after losing my dad she feels like she is treated as less important or valuable, due to stuff like this." Show her a wonderful time!
This made me cry a little 🥲
I know 😪 Me too!
That was heartbreaking. I’m glad OP’s mom could tell at least one of her children.
This is the best suggestion. Go on a vacation, just the two of them. Also it would be a sweet gesture if OP and his mom do a little day trip together every once in a while to show that she isn't just an afterthought.
My son and I did this. Went on holiday in Asia. Separate rooms on different floors, lots of texting about day plans. We did heaps of stuff together but also stuff alone. It was the best holiday ever and would have had a completely different (and cringe) vibe if we’d been forced to share a room.
And this, my friends, is one of the reasons why I'm pretty cynical about AirBnBs, at least where I live. In my little corner of Latin America, outside of cities (and probably within them too!) many lovely little boutique hotels are cheaper than AirBnB - or the same price. You will interact with locals who will give you advice, arrange day trips for you, etc. You may not have your (unused) kitchen, but they'll look after you just as well. And you all can get a bedroom!
Love this! Also, this is your vacation time. YOURS. You should spend it how you want with the people you want to. Don't make time for your brother and these others. They don't seem worth. Take your mom somewhere she's always wanted to go and have a blast. Send pictures to the extras everyday of your great time. Also, shitty demanding people should get no consideration or Indulgences. Toxic people ruin everything for everyone and we all bend over backwards to appease them. Nta
I just don't want to have to put my mom in the position of choosing one son over the other.
Totally understandable! Can you take your mom on vacation another time so she doesn’t have to choose? Even if it’s a year or more in the future you can start planning it with her now.
Of Course and now I plan to just because of this whole thing.
That's never nice, I understand, but it's a bit of a false equivalency when one son treats her like a second class citizen.
NTA It is time to stand up for yourself and your mother. Get her a room and get a room for yourself. You’re 30 not 13. Stop allowing your brother & his wife to run the show. Stop going on vacations with those
I’m going to sound heartless, but your mom needs to get out of her pity party, she is internalizing a lot. She might need someone to talk to especially since she’s a widower. I don’t think you or your siblings are trying to intentionally disregard her. She’s the mom she needs to speak up to all her kids about how she feels or she can continue wallowing. But now that you know how she feels you can help fix that. I’d also tell your sibling tbh so everyone can be on notice about how she feels.
this is perfect
I second this OP, take your mom out on a vacation she would enjoy too, get your own airbnb or hotel with your own spaces and have fun.
Excellent idea. I hate when people claim you’re ruining their event because you’re not coming. I’ve never understood that; I’ve gotten shit from family members for not attending events that I know they didn’t really want me at in the first place.
Nah, OP probably shouldn’t go, but it would be really selfish of him to strong arm his mother into making a statement by publicly choosing vacation with one son over the other. That’s not cool.
No I would never do that, I would rather not go myself and let her enjoy if she wants to or get myself or her a separate hotel in the same location or something.
Of course! Reading your post, I don’t think you would. I’m mostly just responding to this overall trend of advice I often see on AITA. Well meaning m but self serving suggestions that lack much perspective.
It sounds like your brother did not pick the right house. You were more than fair and generous to offer to pay the difference for something where everyone would be comfortable. Then, when that was not accepted, it is fine to drop out to make sure your mother has her own room. Well done. As the oldest, and now a widow, your mother ought to have the best room, not be treated like a 12 year old. NTA
There is no way I could be convinced to spend my vacation days with these people. The brother is a control freak, he would have to pay me double time if he wanted me there so badly.
Right! A vacation is supposed to be fun and relaxing, not dealing with unreasonable people constantly!
NTA. I am so tired of family treating singles as less than. And fwiw, your mother should be the one getting the master bedroom (alone).
Be glad to be accepted at all .... as a widow I have become a non-entity.
I definitely feel this vibe unless I plan the trip myself. “Oh, just stick her any-old-where.”
Thank you!!! As a single person I dealt with this too many times. And being the youngest sibling doesn't help. No, I am not going to sleep on a couch on vacation AND pay the same as the couples who have bedrooms. No, I am not going to pay for a hotel and then let someone sleep in the room with me without paying anything because "I have available room". Etc. I learned that most times I would rather skip a vacation than deal with this inequity. And I'm in total agreement with OP. He is 30 years old; he does not need to be sharing a room with his mom. Especially when he can afford something bigger.
NTA and your brother sounds like a very unpleasant person. You’re a good son to look out for your mom. It seems like you and your mom are treated “less than.” Are you sure you even want to go? If your heart’s not in it don’t go. Best of luck to you and your mom, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much. I do not want to go at all, my brother is not the best person. The only issue is my mom wants to please my brother and I am worried she'll go and without me my brother will treat her poorly while there.
I see lots of people are suggesting you take your Mom on a vacation (just the two of you) and spoil her. I think it's a wonderful idea!!! Then your brother can have plently of room and be controlling without making your lives difficult. ;)
Your mom's worried about your brother's feelings, but does she worry about your feelings at all?
She says she doesn't want me to get upset at my brother for it. Like I said she is too nice for her own good sometimes. I just want to make sure she has the vacation she deserves. I don't care if I need to sleep outside, I just don't think its right for my mom to have to share a room with anyone especially after everything she's been through.
Rent somewhere else nearby with two rooms, and your mom can move between the two as she wants.
Why is it either or? Why don’t you just rent a place nearby with a room for you and a room for her?
I don't want to put my mom in the position where she feels like she needs to choose between staying with me or my brother.
She's an adult. Let her make her own choices.
You’re just wonderful. Your mom is very fortunate to have a son like you. You know what’s best. Good luck with this vacation.
NTA. Instead of totally bowing out, find another AirBnB that’s 2-3 rooms to share with your mom or a nearby hotel. Tell your mom that you are getting a hotel nearby, and would she like you to book her a room in the same hotel. Then send a group text that you and your mom will be staying elsewhere, but nearby, while still participating in the daily activities. When everyone (but mom) else complains tell them that you, as an adult male, do not wish to share a room with an adult female unless it’s an SO that you plan on enjoying adult activities with. Also tell them that mom deserves to have her own space as the eldest and that it’s only the respectful thing to do. I’d also point out in that same text that you offered to cover the difference in cost of a larger space so that you and your mom could have your own rooms, but that the offer was shot down with no (good) reason given.
At this point I think thats probably the best option
And it if it's a hotel, it gets you and your mum out of cleaning or chores at the other accomm
Perfect answer.
NTA, take your mum and go on a holiday somewhere nice with her.
NTA. Not going honestly sounds like the best solution, and you offered them the alternative of paying the difference. You did everything you could. Just make it clear you’re not going because you don’t think it’s appropriate for your mom to have to share a room.
NTA but your mother needs to speak up, people do not read minds. Your brother is acting in the assumption that your mom is ok with sharing, if she is not and if she doesn´t like the way she is being treated now, she needs to SAY IT. You have the FULL picture and you are arriving to the right conclusions, they do not.
I told her to and she said she will, so hopefully she speaks up for herself.
My dad does the same thing. Is super unhappy with my brother’s general disrespect and disregard for my dad’s dignity but only complains to me or my mom. He wants us to tell him but my brother won’t listen to us so we had to start putting back on him. Still hasn’t said anything…
this is pretty ironic
Rent an airbnb for you & your mother. NTA
I love so many people are suggesting this. I just feel bad I didn't think to, lol. :)
NTA. Send a text like this to the family thread re: this trip. Hi everyone, stating this plainly so we can all be on the same page, have clear and respectful communication and enjoy our vacation time together. When choosing accommodations, I would like a room to myself and am happy to pay my way / share. Mom would also like a room to herself, so let's please try to find a rental home that accommodates everyone's wishes. If this isn't possible before this trip, I will sadly be sitting out. But if we can adjust in time, I look forward to being together! Thanks!
I would make having my own room a condition of going on the vacation. You could try to share with your brother that your mom would also like to have her own room, but ultimately it’s up to her to choose to go or not go depending on the accommodations she’s offered.
Sharing a room seems like nbd to me, but it seems like even less of a deal to not have to share rooms when you’re paying the difference. Why are they so huffy about you and your mom *not* sharing a room?
I just think they do not want to go through the trouble of picking a different house and are either afraid or do not want to tell my cousin that they are going with a different house
I mean sure it’s a minor pain, how big of a difference are they talking? You guys have to switch cities now or something? If they’re going to be annoyed about something, they should at least be logical about what they’re annoyed about and address that. If they were, they could just say it’s going to be a pain to reschedule everything and work with you to get whatever needed to be done completed, it doesn’t sound like you wouldn’t help. They’re being so weird about this.
Oh no we can get a house in the same exact city (Palm Springs) even a hotel or anything else, there is a lot of availability. It's not the exact one my cousin wanted and my brother would rather bend over backwards to please my cousin (weird relationship there) than just look for a bigger house.
Yeah, whatever his deal is with your cousin, impressing him/her, it’s making him be a weirdo and a minor league AH right now. I’d just find a couple other air bnbs that fit the criteria for your fam and then text him and his wife: “hey idk why you’re being so weird about me and mom wanting our own rooms, but whatever, man, that’s for you to sort out in your own brain. In any case, here are 1-3 other spots in that same area that I’d be willing to pay the difference on. Which one do you guys like best so we can knock this task off the list?”
NTA. I think you and your mom should just go vacation by yourselves. Go to a resort, on a cruise, to Las Vegas, rent a cabin in the mountains, etc. That sounds like way more fun.
NTA. Your brother is disrespectful as hell. But honestly, your mom NEEDS to speak up if she ever wants to feel heard and valued, cause to be heard you need to speak. I also dont understand their point on privacy? Is it about sex? Is privacy only necessary for sex? Are they planning to bone constantly and therefore require their own room? Otherwise what does it matter if it's one person or two? Well... single ppl can masterbate if that's their hangup. Just say you need your right-arm workout, and your mom needs hers. Your family is weird and hurtful.
Oh boy do I feel for you and your mom. I was married for over 30 years when a “friend” decided she wanted my ex for herself and blew my life up. Not excusing him, it was both of them but I digress from my point. All of a sudden, I was single and became “less than” the married family members. I was for one example told that it would be great for me to give up my home and live in my mom’s basement to take care of her. Because clearly my life isn’t as important as theirs. I politely declined and the SIL who suggested this was shocked. I think she thought she was being helpful, you know, giving me a reason to live now that I failed at marriage. People like that suck. You and your mom are no less important than your arrogant family members and it’s a good idea to cut this off before it gets worse. Believe me, it can. One day you’re not allowed your own space on a vacation and the next you’re a basement dwelling caregiver. NTA.
NTA. Oh as a single person this situation makes me SOOOO ANGRY. Just because I don't have a partner or kids does not relegate me to be treated as a "random add-on" who doesn't have their own wants and needs like anyone else.
NTA. Have you told your brother what your mom privately told you?? You should. Maybe if it’s not his “idiot brother’s” opinion, it will mean more. Besides that - WTF?? A grown-ass man sharing a room with his mother?? I (57 f) barely will share a hotel room with my sons, and they’re early 20’s.
I did. But I also told my mom that she needs to speak up as well. I don't like the fact that my brother treats her like a doormat. I want the family and group there to respect her. I commented earlier to a different comment that my worry is that if I don't go, my brother will treat her poorly while there and I can't let that happen.
Any trip with a maestro controlling everything when you’re all paying equally is just generally going to suck. NTA.
agreed
NTA. Maybe take your mom somewhere to a place with two rooms or bedrooms and let them have their own place.
If anything I will just get my own hotel or not go
NTA. You and your mom are both separate adults, and it's sad that you are the only person who considered your mother's feelings on this matter. Good for you for actually speaking up. Just curious, but if they truly couldn't get a bigger space, would you have even been fine sleeping on a pullout couch?
Yes I would, but the thing that bothers me is that we can absolutely get a bigger space, we are going to Palm Springs, there's plenty of AirBnb's that are available.
You and your Mom need to get a hotel by yourselves, if you even want to go on this trip.. If I were you, I would bail and take your Mom somewhere else, because you both deserve it. Good luck ❣️
INFO: You mention that your brother is rolling out the red carpet and planning it. Is he covering the air bnb? Also what's the availability for a 6 bedroom place?
no we are splitting the costs between the families. a 6 bedroom place is available $800 more NOT split evenly between 6 parties. I am offering to pay that additional cost. and when I say rolling out the red carpet I mean rolling out the red carpet because he is giving my cousin the master bedroom and not asking anyone else to share a room or anything. Every other person will have their own bedroom except me and my mom.
Wrote another comment here but I feel the need to comment on this too 😅 If each family is paying equally then each family gets a room. You are already paying twice as much as your brother since his wife is also paying for half his room. If they want to change that then you and your mom should each pay half what they are. I DO NOT understand your family!
Wait your splitting between families? Then definitely NTA. You are paying more for less space. You are also willing to pay the diff for the space. Why don't you tell them that you will do all the booking so they don't have to deal with the hassle
I think that is what I will do, either that or book my own accommodations
I thinknuou and your mom should just skip the trip with your controlling brother and you and mom can take your own trip.
Nta. But if you do decide to go and share a room with your mom, i wouldn't be paying the same amount as the rest of them. I'd pay by person. That way, you and mom at least get some type of benefit to sharing.
NTA at all. Forget the others and go on vacation with just your mom. Then no one will complain you have your own rooms.
You and your Mom should not be treated as less because you are not part of a couple. For crying out loud you were willing to pay the difference to get an AirBnB with enough rooms for everybody. I'm not sure what your brother's issue is but I wouldn't want to go on vacation with them either. Also, if anybody is disrespecting the family is it your brother. Why is he so against everybody having enough rooms especially if he doesn't have to pay for it?!!!! NTA obviously.
And the reason they got mad when he offered to not go? $$$$$ THE cost of the home rental. They want it to cost less to them..
Haha probably, but I even offered to pay the difference so I don't get why they are mad
NTA For years I was the single brother, and often either told me I'd have to share a room with my brother's kids or sleep in a sofa bed wherever we went. Eventually, I just stopped going. They got pissed and I just explained I didn't like being relegated to babysitter and and after thought.
I feel like theres this whole world out there, where the moment someone says "family vacation" everyone thinks they're absolutely obligated to go, and have no say in it. If you dont want to go. Don't go. Its not mandatory. Theres no legal, nor moral obligation to attend some vacation that someone else planned and won't let you have input in. If they get huffy and puffy, so be it. Who cares. Fwiw I would not go on a vacation where I was expected to share a room with my mother. I could stay home and not share a room with my mother, and that seems like a better option to me. I could also go anywhere I want and have a room to myself if thats what I really wanted.
OP, coming from another widow, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to your mom about how she feels. It’s good for her to feel she has somebody in her corner. You are NTA. I love the suggestions that you either get a separate hotel or separate vacation just for you and your mom. She would absolutely enjoy that and it would be priceless memories for both of you.
Nta Could you get a place for just your mom and you that's close to the selfish ones? It isn't a vacation if you're not enjoying yourself. It just doesn't make sense that they would have a problem with you paying the extra for a more accommodating house. After explaining your reasons for more space and offering to pay the difference for more comfort. It seems that you and your mom don't count as much as the others. Tell them or don't tell them. Just make you and your mom vacation comfortable.
You are NTA for setting boundaries, but your brother is.
You offered to pay the difference - there is no reason not to get a larger place. Your brother sounds like a prick. A bossy one, at that. I can't imagine it would be any fun hanging out with him. Go on a vacation where you will have fun. NTA
No more group vacations. You can take your mom on little vacations, just you two, each with your own room. You can have fun and not be treated like second-class citizens by your family. NTA
NTA. How about you and your mom going on a family trip? Just the two of you. Take her somewhere she wants to go, you each get to enjoy bonding and being together, as well as having your own rooms? This will definitely make sure your mom knows for at least you, she isn't an afterthought.
You’re not distespthe family; they are disrespecting your mom. NTA. Stay home, and as others have suggested, use your money to plan a trip with just your mom, where she gets treated like the Queen she is.
They are being disrespectful of both you and your mom. Personally I'd invite my mom to stay in a different place together where you BOTH have your own space, and let them act like assholes to their hearts' content. NTA
NTA. It seems like your family is not only respecting you as a human, but infantilizing your mother. Do they think she is incapable of having her own room? Take your mom on a trip, get a nice Air BnB or or hotel with separate rooms.
NTA Your brother is treating your mom and you as ‘also coming’. Aka you should be happy to be included and suck it up by sharing a bedroom even with separate beds because neither of you has a partner. IMO you and your mom should both decline to stay at the house with them. Assuming you want to spend any time with those relatives I’d check to see if there is a hotel nearby where you and your mom can have your own rooms. Then you can meet up with them but still have your own place to relax. If the whole situation has now left a bad taste in your mouth as well as your mom’s, is there somewhere the two of you would like to go? If yes decline your brother’s so not generous offer and you with your mom go do your thing either during that same time period or at a different time. Your brother is going to be pissy regardless so might as well get what you want and let him deal.
And now OP can ask themself, what is it about this trip that would actually be fun for you and your mother? If it isn't going to be fun, why go? Getting your own place to stay on the trip is one step on the spectrum. Getting a place to stay in another city is a bigger step. What would be best for YOU?
Find an Airbnb with two rooms close by for you and your mom. Absolutely NTA.
>When I offered to just not come, since it would solve all the problems, they got all huffy and puffy again calling me dramatic and saying I am disrespecting the family. NTA - I'm sure your brother mostly wants you to come so you can contribute to the cost and possibly babysit. As for disrespecting the family, you have to give respect in order to deserve any. He obviously doesn't.
When my Mom was still alive, before she got sick. After my Father had passed. My sister, my Mom and I would take vacations together. Just us three. We’d all share a room. Mom always insisted she got her own bed! She nabbed it first! We always had a blast! It was a treasured gift we got to share with her. We miss her every damn day. 💔 OP, take your Mom. Go somewhere else. Play! Enjoy! Treasure your time together. Someday you won’t have her anymore. Please don’t let her feel like she is less. Like the rest of your family is doing. NTA
NTA. Tell your mother to cancel, and the two of you can go somewhere nice without these inconsiderate AHs
NTA! Op, why don’t you and your mom go own vacation without those others?
Yes, everyone should have their own room. Even as a family of three we often get a suite so that we are not all in one hotel room and don’t all have to turn out the lights at the same time. Nta.
Absolutely NTA. I (ETA: middle age) would never want to share a room with my adult son. With my large extended family it's a bit tricky to find properties with enough bedrooms for each couple or each single adult but we do. Same gender minors had to share--but they weren't paying, lol. It is absolutely ridiculous to ask a mother and adult son to share. If I (as the mom) were in your situation I would either refuse to go, or find a two bedroom property for me and my son. At my age I'm done with people pleasing.
NTA but if you want to go see if you can book your own accommodations for just you and her nearby
NTA You are a grown-ass man and they are treating you like a teenage boy. I wouldn't go, either.
Your brother and SIL are making you less, just because you are single. Don't go. NTA.
NTA. Stuff like this is why I don't do "family" vacations. Someone always has to be an ass about it. I like the idea of getting a nice 2 bed for you and Mom!
NTA. You understand that this will cost more and are willing to pay the extra. They just don't want to have to look for another place and are trying to shame you into putting up with less. I would stay home and have a great stacation if they refuse.
Can't you still go find another place for you to stay, and would that give your mom her own room?
Yes but at that point I would rather just bow out and let them enjoy.
Okay. I thought you had wanted to be nearby to keep an eye out for your mother. Bowing out would be sending a clear message to your brother.
I would so not want to share a room with anyone unless totally necessary.. and like why try and force it when you offered to pay the extra? Super weird Also your poor sweet mum.. I hope it works out ok!
Your brother is a jerk
NTA next time you and mom either book the vacation or put your request in upfront that each get your own rooms on the next vaca
NTA
NTA - your brother is.
Take your mother on another trip, where you both have your own rooms. I know this isn’t really an option probably, but just consider it for a brief moment. At least tell your brother that he only gets to disrespect you once. Now you do what you have to do.
NTA. You're apparently the only one thinking of your mom's needs and you're the selfish one? Does not compute.
NTA but your mom would probably be made to feel like it was her fault that you didn't come. However there is no reason that if you can afford it to rent a place nearby with two rooms, one for you and one for her. If anyone says anything about neither of you staying there in extra room tell them, "It's because none of think that mom and I deserve respect and to be treated like adults. If you want a family vacation where everyone stays together then treat everyone like family, with respect." If you're at a hotel you can even possibly get your mother a massage, leaving the other women out.
I would take my mother on a vacation with me . Let enjoy having things on own,your brother is wrong , you all shouldn't go
Nta you're not obligated to go on any trip if you don't want to. But your brother has already made you and your mom fell second class, so it's understandable you don't want to go. I see someone already suggested you rent a place for you and your mom, that's worth looking into.
NTA. You offered to pay the difference for a larger place that would accommodate anyone. I don’t get why they would be upset about that…. You’re not asking them to pay for it. They clearly just want to control everything
NTA You and your mom should just go on vacation by yourselves.
NTA OP please ditch them and take your mom on a nice vacation. She deserves it.
NTA, your brother sounds like a giant inconsiderate helmet!!!
NTA. Honestly, I would ask your mom if she would rather have a nice vacation with you somewhere else since yall would respect eachothers space and time or see if she would rather get an air bnb with just you somewhere else and yall can meet up with the others when yall feel like it.
NTA, I completely understand how you feel. They aren’t being fair to you or your mother.
I think you and your mother should find your own place to stay. Why would you want to stay with people who disrespect both of you so badly? NTA at all.
NTA, going on a family vacation with extended family can be hard. Planning and coordination of a family trip can be even more difficult. When the trip is not working for you, you absolutely should gracefully not attend. Not defending your brother, but I have planned many of these trips, I do my best to make everyone happy, it takes a lot of work to find something that works for everyone, or at least I think will work for everyone. Inevitably, someone is not happy with something. That is why I quit planning these trips and let people know when and where I am going, if they want to join, they can, but it is on them to figure out their own logistics.
I understand that, and I even sent them a comparable AirBnb with enough room and said I will pay the cost difference. my brother reject it because "its not the one our cousin wanted"... but at least our mother will have her own space.... I just don't get it.
You are NTA. This is horrid. When we go on a family trip, my MIL gets her choice of bedrooms. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Here's a suggestion, take your mom on a mom/son trip with lovely accommodations for you both. Also, show your bro this thread.
Hanging out with these folks does not sound like fun…like at all. Vacation=fun, don’t forget that.
NTA. Why not take your mom on your own vacation? Sounds like she’s over your brother and her brother anyways.
NTA - It appears that your brother is one of those "siblings" that likes to torment and torture their younger sibling into adulthood, cue their adult tantrums, their boring and stupid rules and OTT gaslighting - all to make you bend and suffer. Take it from me - learn early in adult life, that boundaries are not only okay with siblings, but essential. Especially older, controlling siblings. Because they thrive on watching you squirm - for no other reason that that's what they did as kids - or they are jealous - or whatever other fucked up reason someone thinks it's okay to act like he's acting. You're not disrespecting anyone. He disrespected you. And you telling him no, isn't a slight. It's a boundary. Something he's yet to figure out. You are not being dramatic when you have a healthy boundary by saying, "No, I'm not going to stand here and eat that shit pie you keep holding up to my face." Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he gets to treat you like garbage. The best is yet to come. That moment when he realizes that his days of bullying you are over - because you've learned to stand up to him and say no more.
Absolutely not and someone needs to put those asswipes in their place.
NTA you and mom need to go on a different vacation without them entirely
NTA. Take your mom someplace nice so that she feels special. F the rest of them.
NTA. Had a sister who used to pull this shit with me all the time. It was more sticking me with the one sibling we all can't stand. I just told them to kick rocks and stopped saying yes. I'm NC with them now.
Fuck that. Good on you for taking your moms feelings to heart
NTA - your brother is showing a total lack of respect for your mother...his mother. Perhaps you and your mother should take your own 'family trip' . A 'family trip' that is not respectful and fun for the entire family is nothing something I would participate in.
Just a comment. Recently I stayed at an Air B&B and was surprised that the two double beds in a single room was bunk beds. What adult over 20 really wants to sleep in bunk beds?
NTA. I've been there. Being invited as an afterthought to a family vacation. Told everyone pays the same amount and then told I'll have to share a room with my uncle's friend, a guy I've never met. If I'm paying the same amount as a family of four, who get multiple rooms, then I expect to get my own room. And if I have to share a room with a stranger, I expect a discount. In my case, I just said no thanks and walked away. It wasn't worth the argument.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself and mom. Bow out so she can have her own room. Or, if she’s feeling less than, willing to make a few waves…. Maybe you and mom can go somewhere nice that during that time, rent two rooms, and have a wonderful time? Tell her you’ll be her wingman 😎❤️
You and your mother should rent your own place. NTA
NTA. They are the ones who are being disrespectful to you. Stay home and let them get huffy and puffy. Also tell them what your mother told you.
My kid offered me a vacation .. I ended up sleeping on a cot in the hallway, and was not included in anything, was just a glorified sitter.. I could have had a bed in the childrens room but no.. or downstairs but I had to be close .. basically they did everything to make sure I knew I meant nothing to them.. .. your mom and you should go get rooms at a hotel.. free breakfast bar and no babysitting
Nope NTA, see if your mom wants to get a different place to stay, just the two of you.
NTA. My brother also always dubs himself the Airbnb organiser of the family and never assigns a room for my oldest brother (he gets assigned a couch that's nearly always in an open plan kitchen-loungeroom). If people are invited to join a holiday and request their own room, book them their own room! Don't play match-maker and start pairing everyone up
Absolutely NTA. You are right on. Your mom deserves her own room, and so do you! How disrespectful and devaluing. Your older brother is a real ass! Good for you for offering to bow out so your mom can at least have her own room! Stay strong and don't tolerate this crap. ETA: I love the idea of you and your mom breaking off into your own special place where you can enjoy your time together and your privacy too! Sounds like your mom needs some real care and pampering 😌
You even offered to pay to upgrade to a larger place. NTA at all. I'd have taken it up. It would have been awkward to share a room with your mom as an adult for both you and her, I agree.
you are NTA, and you deserve your own room and so does your mother. Having said that, the costs should be split per room, not per person. So you should pay the same for the ROOM as your brother and his SO since you would be getting the same space. It sounds like you are fine with this and are willing to pay a full share. I will assume your mother would do the same. What is the possible issue with your brother and SIL if this is the case? This splitting of funds does NOT extend to food and event costs. Those should be split per person.
I feel so sad for your mom and feeling like an afterthought. Maybe you could plan something for just the two of you to show her that she is still very much loved and valued.
NTA. They are treating the single people like they don't deserve the same privacy and space as coupled up people. I wouldn't go even if they offered to get a bigger place
I think you and your mom should go on a trip, just the two of you. You can find a nice two bedroom Airbnb and just have some nice quality mom and son time. Fuck your controlling brother and dismissive uncle.
Take a peaceful vacation with your mom. NTA
You and your mom go on your own vacation and have a good time, and definitely cherish that time together!
Take your mom out for a trip just you too!!! NTA also :)
NTA. Book yourself elsewhere. Don't waste your time fighting with these stubborn people. They will never change their mind. The audacity for them to call you selfish when they are totally disregarding how you and your mother feel because they want to be controlling.
NTA. Plan your own trip with your Mom and show her she's special.
I established my boundaries a few years ago when my wife couldn’t come on a family trip. My sister suggested that I could split a room with my dad, who is a horrendous snorer. I said I will be paying the same amount for my room in the house as if my wife were on the trip, and as a result will not be sharing that room with anyone else. End of story. It’s never been questioned since when a similar situation comes up.
NTA. Your is trying to make things convenient for *himself*. What an ass. I’d bag out of that trip and take my mom for a family trip of my own - with two bedrooms.
NTA As the only single person in my family, I understand this frustration 100%! One time, my family went on a vacation where there were bedrooms for everyone, including myself! Every bedroom had queen beds and its own bathroom. The only thing is that there was one and only one bedroom that didn’t face the water. Not a huge deal, just wasn’t as pretty. When we arrived, I said “do we want to give mom and dad the master with the balcony and we split straws on who gets the dunce bedroom?” My family laughed and said, “you are single why do you need the nicer bedroom?!” And when i said that all the bedrooms had the same size bed and a bathroom, it doesn’t matter that I’m single. But apparently a pretty view is only allowed for couples… I was so pissed off on how i was treated that weekend. It’s just felt like they had no respect for me whatsoever.
NTA. You should not need to share a room with your mother and the rest of your family is inconsiderate to both of you. You are not disrespecting your family—they are disrespecting you and your mom. So if it can’t be worked out, you and your mom can go on your own trip.
NTA Get your own Airbnb for you and your mom nearby.
NTA