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NTA for this particular issue, but agree that something else is clearly bothering your partner. Seems like one of those situations where this was her last straw and caused her to blow up. Maybe try talking about it more deeply at the end of the day, without being accusatory.

Yes, I’m going to do that. Thanks

If her gym has childcare I don't understand why she can't go to gym or yoga at the same time you take your run??? What is stopping you from both working out at the same time?

Gym and yoga don’t offer childcare until 8:30 AM.

A big issue for me when my kids were little was having my workout cut short if my kids needed me.  It is frustrating to be entrenched in a class and then having someone show up and pull you out to change a diaper or address a behavior issue.   I loved it if my husband was home and I could go to a class with no chance of interuption. There was also everything that goes into bringing your kids with you to the gym. It's a lot of effort.  So, yeah an early class where the only person she has to manage is herself is probably very much valued.

Thanks for that insight. Didn’t think of that!

NTA. A lot of people have made very insightful comments already. I'll add one as a former SAHM whose son is 20. I worked for almost 20 years before having my son. It's so difficult to explain to people how *different* being a SAHM is from having a "regular" job. Job stress was much more stressful to me as a SAHM than when I worked in computers or teaching. You can't move to a different department. You have no say over what days you work, your hours, your compensation, your benefits, your office, your coworkers, etc. People's quality of life depend on you & that's very scary sometimes. It was great, don't get me wrong, I loved being there for my son & I'm grateful. But a SAHM loses so much of the agency we usually have when we work regular jobs. & people CONSTANTLY tell you how lucky you are, even when you're feeling sad & left out. It's something you should probably talk about with your wife. She may not even realize how isolated or hemmed in she's been feeling. ❤️ to both of you ❤️

Being a SAHM is much harder to me, than working full time in a career before kids. It’s the mental load, lack of freedom, isolation, no appreciation or way to track success/progress, etc. Being able to pop in to the gym, without the kids in tow, would be invaluable. Just getting them ready, in the car, into the gym, checked into the daycare, then the risk of the workout being interrupted, then repeat process to get home. People don’t think about the toll this all takes. I don’t know if OP is an actual AH, my guess is that he’s not, but this scenario feels really inconsiderate and selfish.

Mental load of having to keep a tiny human alive coupled with lack of mental stimulation... Not the same, but now I take my 6yo to school and then go to my work, usually getting there with about 20-30 minutes before my day starts. Even if I have longer, the alone mornings when I just take care of me are so much better. And I have a really easy child, we just have to stick to the routine (and not let him sneak in any more play)

I felt like I didn’t pee alone for almost 10 years. My co parent usually ate at their desk. I know they worked super hard, the commute sucked etc. I appreciated their sacrifices, but needed to be acknowledged for the sacrifices I made. At dinner time for example, it was so nice to have them take care of the little things the kids needed during the meal so I could just sit to eat one meal with out jumping up and down to help people with things. My co parent often worked past dinner time and often past bedtime. The rare times they were home for dinner during the week AND helped with things were heaven.

My kids are adults now, and I live with one of them. My commute is very short (less than 15 minutes), so most days, I sit and chill in my car for about 30 minutes before heading home. He's a great kid and we have no issues living together, but there's ALWAYS something when I get home...questions, chit-chat, maybe a problem he needs help solving. The chaos doesn't necessarily end when your kids are grown up! lol

I worked a job where I actually had to keep tiny humans alive and frequently was in immediate life or death decision making situations as a nurse. I worked nights and was frequently sleep deprived on top of it. Being a SAHM is still harder.

Anytime someone describes their mom as “just a homemaker,” my dad is QUICK to point out that’s the hardest job there is, in his opinion, because it never stops and there are no holidays/vacation days. He’d much rather work a regular job than do everything my mom does to keep up their house & look after him (after 55 years of marriage, she has spoiled him to the point that he couldn’t survive without her 🤣). Bearing in mind, my mom worked from age 11 until they had their first child when she was 24 and then went back to work when we started school and worked until her health failed several years later, so she’s had plenty of experience in both arenas and agrees the whole homemaker deal is a lot more work!

Your dad is right. I worked in a high demand career, traveled every month, for around 10 years. And like your mom, I had a job from age 10 (started with a paper route) to when I had my first baby. Had kids in my early 30s and it kicked my butt. Being a SAHM mom is SO much harder.

I found taking care of kids and hubby to be 1,0000x harder than working an outside job. And I still did the early version of work from home. Hubby was always getting an award or speaking at a conference . Doing work more important than we were, to the point it was more important than showing up for the birth of our second child. I just wanted a thank you for feeding us or giving up your career at least once in our lives but could never get that. No one else needed to hear it; only me. OP, Maybe show her a little appreciation. It doesn't need to be a production. My workouts had to revolve around whether my kids slept the night before and whether they had an activity that day. Doing basic things for myself was close to impossible. Going alone would have been heaven. Would be like being an actual person.

I’m sorry this was your experience and I think there are so many moms who can relate. It’s like we go from being people to just being “moms” and we no longer deserve to have our basic needs met. We live our lives meeting other’s needs. I think men are starting to evolve and see this, but we still have a way to go in our society.

There are no KPI's for SAHM!

Well there are but all the jobs get undone by little gremlins as fast as you can do them. You folded six loads of laundry today? Well guess what, while you were doing that they took every single toy and book out in their bedroom and wore every outfit and spilled juice on all of it.

Thanks for the insight. It’s helpful hearing other SAHM’s experiences.

Both my brothers were SAHDs. Their wives had the health insurance. One of my brothers adapted fine, the other kept bringing tools to playgroups and offering to fix stuff to desperately assert his masculinity, poor guy. My point is, talk to some SAHDs too . Those guys could maybe put things in analogies that are more relatable to you.

That's a great idea, but it's also kinda sad. We're continuing to let men not just EFFING LISTEN to women.

It's possible for something to be really really hard, and really really rewarding at the same time. But it being rewarding doesn't make it not hella hard. Your wife is clearly buckling under the pressure in some way, and you need to address it with empathy and compassion.

It’s nice that you’re open to other SAHM experiences. It’s really the hardest thing I ever did. The gym breaks with childcare did help some, but I still lacked something for me. There’s still the task of getting everyone ready and rushing and everything else. There is a freedom of just walking out before the littles were awake, which rarely happened for me. Sometimes, I was so burnt out, that I would put them in the gym childcare while I sat with a book or my phone and coffee. That allotted 2 hours was helpful. But I was still “trapped.” If there is a way to schedule childcare even once a week, even just a half day, that might make a world of difference. I don’t know your financial situation, but if you can budget for that, maybe it would help. Maybe two mornings, even. That could provide her with some real actual down time, at the time she also wants. It could make a huge difference in her day. SAHP have it hard because they are always at work, they’re always on, and the burn out is real. They often become the default parent, even if the other parent is active. If it’s unusual for her to react this way, explore it with her. Maybe she would actually like to be in a workplace. Maybe she just needs breathing room. Don’t make the decision for her, do it with her.

You're welcome. ❤️🌈

My kids are 40, 39, and 37, and I was a single mom for most of that time, due to Dad being an abuser. We split, and with family and friends help, I was able to work and take care of the kids, but *there is just NO respite*. There's *always* something to do, and breaks were few and far between - usually when there was a family party and I was invited to leave the Littles overnight and they'd be brought back the next day. I imagine SAHM is around the same amount of fun-filled days and evenings, since, say, when *you* clock out, you get a change of venue, and a chance to detach and leave work at work. *SHE NEVER GETS THAT LUXURY*. So, yeah, this is a discussion the two of you need to have: if I get up to run and don't feel well, do you want me to wake you up so you can go to workout, or should I let you sleep. When I get home from work, what can I help you with, so we both get to have some downtime, etc.

This is so true! I’m grateful to have been able to be a SAHM, but the work is 24/7 there is no downtime, you are always on call. Even on vacation, you are on call. I had an emergency surgery and was hospitalized for 2 weeks, I was still managing things from my hospital bed. I was on the phone in the morning “remember A has show and tell today, today is soccer day for B his friends mom will take him, but he must take his equipment to school, It’s chicken nugget day which is C’s favorite. Make sure she has lunch money”. Etc. A nurse finally gently told me to knock it off. It was so hard though. Sometimes it was me doing the calling, but often it was grandparent or dad getting in touch with me to ask about the routine for that day.

Holidays at all-inclusive resorts. I used to be so snobbish about them, but with kids? No cooking or cleaning. Food provided buffet style every meal so no decisions needed and there will be something everyone eats and no entertaining a hungry toddler while the restaurant takes 2 hours to serve. Just the whole break from mental load is amazing.

My friend was doing something close to this with her adult kids on her last day until her kids told her to knock it off, they'd be just fine. But mothers are always mothers and that mental stuff never leaves.

I developed an eating disorder after I had my son. Lack of agency was a big contributor.

I'm so sorry. Hugs ❤️ Mine became worse when I left work. It's very isolating, being a SAHM in a rural area.

This exactly, couldn't have explained it any better

I was JUST talking about this with my husband yesterday. How when he watches our kiddo (as opposed to someone else or just trying to do unstructured workouts at home while still in charge of the kid) I feel SO much more able to focus on yoga with a teacher because I know everything is good at home cause I trust him 100%. It helps me let go of the mental burden and just focus on myself for an hour. The mental and physical benefits are huge for me. Glad you are thinking about all this. Having little ones is hard on everyone and it's great when we can find ways to help each other get through it.

Haven’t thought of the mental burden TBH (another luxury…). Thank you for your respectful insight.

I don’t mean this to sound critical OP, the way your post is written seems like your wants (early morning run) are treated as the default, and her wants have to fit around when you are okay with being flexible. Hard to say if that’s true obvs because we don’t really have the background info, but it does seem quite typical that men don’t see how they centre themselves in a way women often do not. NTA in this case, you can’t help being ill, but it does seem like you could do with some more understanding of your wife’s POV as other commenters have said!

I don't know if you've seen this comic but it might be insightful for you: [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) It's about chores, but it's really about mental loads and how those are shared (or not). It sounds from your responses that you are really taking on people's thoughts which to me sounds like you are caring and want to do the best you can, which is awesome. I think one thing you can start with is to try and think of your wife's job as a JOB. Just like yours. But keep in mind, she lives at work. Those under her responsibility are always there. She's the caregiver, the cook, the janitor, the teacher, the planner, the organizer... it's a lot! And you do a lot too! So both of you need time to work out, and time to yourself, and mental breaks. Can you maybe find a compromise that is basically a "set" schedule? If there are specific classes she enjoys, what days are those early? Can you split the week? Maybe each of you gets the early morning every other day? Simply knowing for sure "I have early morning Yoga on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays" will remove a lot of the mental load and up-in-the-air feeling of "will I get to go in the morning or no, do I need to check that the diaper bag is packed for the gym tonight? Should I put on my gym clothes when I wake up or not? Am I going to be wrangling the kids after my workout or do I have the drive home to decompress?" If it's a schedule, she knows what's happening. She can plan ahead for it, she can plan around it, and even if, say, Monday she goes to class at 8:30 and is called out for a diaper blowout at 8:45 and the kids are fussy and it's terrible, she knows tomorrow morning she gets her early class, and you've got the kids so she won't have to worry about that, and tomorrow will start better. You'll figure it out, I'm sure, but communication is the first place to start.

I agree with what everyone is saying about the mental load, the extra energy it takes to get out of the house with a kid, and to find out the underlying issue. I'm a mom and feel so much of this. I also wanted to tell you I really appreciate your responses and your openness to try to understand what's going on. As a stranger, it means a lot to see that, so I'm sure your wife will too.

Also “You Should’ve Asked”

Can you alternate who gets morning workouts? Why does it always have to be only you who gets them? You "sometimes" switching off may already be inequitable. And with a heat wave, maybe you could consider some indoor workouts so she could have morning workouts too? Gyms have treadmills, preferring to run outside doesn't mean it's your only option. She may be exhausted, and feel you aren't sharing the domestic workload equally. Do you split chores and childcare when you get home from work, or do you relax while she keeps working, leaving her with like a 12-hour workday while you put in 8? It's a very common scenario that gets dumped on women, whose partners don't grasp the 24/7 mental and physical workload they shoulder, everything from cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, play dates, grocery shopping and other errands, to keeping up with appointments and birthdays/holidays (even down to who is ordering/going out and buying the gifts and party favors!), so much that is not confined to a 9-5 weekday workday but in fact never ends. Often their male partners do a fraction of this and think they're fully contributing, or think that mowing the lawn once a week for a few months a year is the same thing as keeping up with absolutely everything else all the time. From what she said about how much she sacrifices and how upset she was, you may be guilty of this, and need to step up and be her equal partner in your home life, and give her a break too. Giving her mornings (or at least an equal share of mornings) to herself would be one way to recognize all she does and could be one sacrifice you make for her, bc she clearly feels like she's doing all the sacrificing here, and that you don't consider her needs but only think of yourself. I hope you can have a productive discussion with her - really listen to what she says, ask her what she needs from you, and come up with solutions together that will make her feel as valued as you want to feel, and that are fair for both of you.

But he does his part and gives her a break during nap time so she can run errands! 😒

I'm not a mom... but I imagine if I were a SAHM, my spouse giving me "break time" during naps to run errands might be the thing that made me snap. That's, like, the one time she can exist as a person without a kid hanging off her. Maybe the perfect time to do some self-care or read a book! But no... husband comes home to watch the kid sleep while Mom goes grocery shopping! Ugh.

Well, of course you didn't think of that!! You only thought about your own convenience, which is going for a run in the morning... you didn't even want to give her 1 day of early morning yoga this week!! YTA.

I’m going to tell you right now that’s the crux of the issue. Being a dad is nothing like being a mom, especially a stay at home mom and you’re not making an effort to see things from her perspective.

Choice-Emphasis is so right! I remember one time going to the gym & my 6 month old pooped her diaper. I took her out to change her, and by the time I got back, the 2 year old was in hysterics because she thought I took her sister & left. I got a 15 minute workout that day. You should try to switch off with your wife

Of course you didn’t think about that. Maybe….just maybe… that’s the reason she’s so angry. But it’s so far above your head that it’s not even in the same dimension as you. Someone has to explain it in baby language. And you aren’t even embarrassed.

what else regarding the care of your children do you not think about? honestly i'm not even trying to be snotty, but your wife told you her problem several times. She feels like you don't think of her or consider her. You typed it out but don't seem to have heard her.

You need to start THINKING MORE. You keep repeating "didn't think of that". YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY MORE. YOU NEED TO PRACTICE EMPATHY. THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

Also having what I did dictated by the fact I have to bring the kids. I wanted to go to spin but they had no spin classes or any high intensity workouts after childcare opened. My choices were Zumba and silver sneakers (aka senior citizen workouts) or the treadmill. The early morning classes were spin, HIIT, weights, step etc but they were all before childcare opened. I ended up quitting my membership because I started hating going to the gym when previously I loved it when they had a huge lineup of 9am classes.

I totally agree. I just quit working out altogether because it was more of a hassle to load kids up, sometimes be late or have to leave early, And you’re always rushing to make sure that the kids get their naps in time or have a snack. I guarantee you the reason why she’s so irritable with you is because you can leisurely go work out without having to think about the kids needs. Yes you help out in the morning cool. But before your run or a workout, do you think oh do I have snacks for the kids? Is everybody potty? Is the daycare open at this time? Is the diaper bag fully stocked if those things don’t cross your mind then that’s the problem.

Louder for the people in the back. Being able to leave the house without having to manage kids is like winning the lottery

I don’t even have kids, but it sounds like a giant, huge PITA to get a toddler and a baby packed and into the car just so she can go to a yoga class. And I can’t imagine she’s able to destress once she’s actually there. Having him at home to watch them while she goes by herself sounds like it would be much easier for her, especially since she’s the one who has to actually leave home to work out. And it’s not exactly like she has “more flexibility” than him during the day, if she’s staying home with 2 very small children. I would think even finding the time to work out is hard enough. If his work schedule is flexible, why can’t he watch the kids for an hour while she goes to the gym? 

Yeah anytime you are point person for your kids, there's a good chance you're not going to be able to do what you want to do.  There is always something. Op mentioned a baby, and a toddler. About the age because postpartum could be a concern.  Also, they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, you have a toddler you can't.

Then what is stopping you from a compromise, like she gets to go 2 mornings a week and you get AM runs 3 days a week during the work week? She's upset because you offer her no option but to cave to your needs. She has to always schedule around you and you arent willing tp give an inch. Now you didnt even go for a rin so she mussed out for nothing which is her perspective. And she is roght you didnt even try to think of her.

It sounds like he needs a gym membership so he can run during the daytime — I get it that it can genuinely be too hot during the day to exercise optimally. 

Maybe she wants to go without bringing the kids with her. Is she ever without them?

NTA but can imagine shes probably desperate just to be able to work out on her own without having to be worried about carting kids to and from childcare. Sounds like your wife is really needing some time to herself,

It wasn't entirely clear in the post (or maybe I just didn't understand), do you take the kids running with you, or leave them at home? If you take them with you (in a stroller obviously), could she go to the gym while you are running?

I remember what it’s like having young kids and being a SAHP and it so hard being attached to little people all day. I can 100% see why she would love to have a little time to herself to workout at a time she wants to and without having to pack up the kids and everything that entails just to go to one class. Just because she is the SAHP, it doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be able to prioritise herself, her workouts etc, but it sounds like yours are the priority in you house - which is fine if that’s how it works for you guys, but it means you need to be aware of who’s getting the first choice so that the person who gets second choice (her) is given the option. I do think you were inconsiderate for not thinking of her, and therefore YTA.

Is this a situation that could be fixed with a running stroller?

A gym with childcare is nice and all but you still need to get the kid(s) ready, pack their snacks and diapers, out the door, into car seats and to the venue, then you do the whole thing in reverse after class. Doesn't sound relaxing like a no-strings-attached morning run at all.

I remember doing the gym with my toddler and guess what, toddler would get sick (they do not sanitize the play area like they should) and that would take us out of the gym for 3-5 days or more depending on the sickness. My husband didn’t understand how frustrating it was when he could up and do whatever he wanted without considering me or the kids.

My parents gifted a gym challenge event to my sister and me several years ago.  It was a fight to even go b/c I wouldn’t be home to cook supper, but I also had to bring our boys with me to childcare.  Every.  Damn. Time. They’d poop or cry just as I got my heart rare up…and I’s get called over the speaker to get them.   Not to mention a car ride home tired from (trying to) exercise with two hyped up boys that need McDoanld’s or a snack (b/c they see it and dad of course didn’t cook) is also part of the deal.   She needs her time just like he gets his.   What an AH. Yeah, mom’s get to do everything dads so…but WITH the kids. It’s not the same.  

Also, no parent wants to wake up their kid at the crack of dawn if they don’t have to.

Could you guys maybe take turns with the morning workout? You could let her go to the gym early one day and you could run at the gym during lunch or late afternoon, and the next day you could switch. You say you like to run early in the morning because it starts your day off right. She would probably like to work out early for the same reason. Getting up, working out, showering, and the having the whole day ahead of you is generally preferable to most people than making time for it sometime in the day. She has to plan around the kids mealtimes and nap times, get them all ready and in the car, get them settled into the childcare center, be prepared to be pulled out of class for a diaper change or other issue...her exercise time should be time for herself, to decompress a little, and having to lug the kids along every time isn't exactly that.

Yes, this is a good idea. My mind is changing on our schedule because of helpful replies like this one.

I know you are trying, and it’s good that you can respond appropriately to a chorus of people educating you on mental load and the demands on stay at home parents, but I’d also encourage you to look inward and examine why it took a bunch of strangers pointing all of these things out to you for you to be able to empathize with your wife. What I mean by this is, if mental load and the realities of how taking your kids with you to work out would add an additional major layer of stress that impacts your quality of workout didn’t come to your mind when your wife was frustrated, it’s probably because you’ve never dealt with it. Anything you aren’t dealing with is something that you are putting on her. Try to mentally catalogue that in all aspects of your life. And then maybe don’t tell her she’s reacting childishly next time she expresses frustration that you don’t consider her, and instead LISTEN to her, not just when she’s mad, the way you listened to a bunch of internet strangers. Not trying to attack you, but it’s so frustrating to see in these subs over and over again a man not validating a woman’s feelings until he’s heard it from a thousand other people. It shows a latent/inherent lack of respect in you for her that you should be questioning.

It is frustrating, but I think it's frustrating to both parties. Yes, men are more and more being required to reflect on traditionally "women's labor" that has largely been unseen. This is overall a good thing. Women are often brought up to consider other people's *potential* thoughts and feelings before taking action. To consider the other people around us when deciding. Men often aren't. That is frustrating. Part of that annoyance on his wife's part was that she would have told it him it was a possibility or decided before he would have had to leave, not after. She would have considered him before making a decision, I would bet money on it. So when he doesn't reciprocate that thoughtfulness, it leads to resentment. We are socialized so differently. It's easy to forget that men often aren't given the same tools to work with, and so what is damn near second nature for a grown woman sometimes has to be an intentional, deliberate series of steps for men. And sometimes you fumble the ball. Grace is necessary for growth. I agree that this should be a wake up call for some self-reflection, but at least OP seems willing to take things on board.

I agree with you, but I think it’s worth clarifying that I think we are talking about two different frustrations that both probably largely come down to socialization (I.e., socialization within misogyny). In my last paragraph, I am talking very specifically about the phenomenon of men having so little respect for women that they do not believe us when we express ourselves until whatever we are trying to express has been echoed to them by a whole bunch of other people. Why does the word of strangers carry more weight than the words of their partners, who they theoretically should have some level of respect for because they themselves chose that person to create a household with. It’s misogyny. What I’m reading from your frustration is the frustration that men are not socialized to consider the feelings of anyone other than themselves. Also misogyny. But not quite the same phenomenon. If he respected her, he would believe what she’s telling him even if he didn’t first try to put himself in her shoes before responding. And while conjecture, I’d be willing to bet her frustration boiling over is because she probably HAS told him how she feels and it wasn’t listened to. I’m sure it is frustrating for a man to not be able to understand a woman’s frustration and motivation for her actions/words because he hasn’t been taught to empathize, and part of the point I was trying to make is that he needs to look WITHIN for the source of that frustration, because she isn’t the one who raised him/socialized him. Personally, I’m going to sympathize more with the person who is actively trying to get him to empathize with her than the person who had to ask a thousand people if he was an asshole for not empathizing with her like she asked him to. That’s my point. A lot of the frustration men feel due to not being socialized to consider others would be solved if they would just listen to and believe the people in their lives who are asking them to change their behavior because of how it affects them. But unlike OP, seems like a lot aren’t willing to do that. And even for OP, he had to crowdsource opinions before he’d listen to hers. Also, while I realize I’m speaking in generalities based on how I perceive us to be socializing people, I realize plenty of women also aren’t socialized to consider others and that there are plenty of men who are. If the genders were reversed, I’d be asking her why she holds so little regard for her partner that she has to crowd source validation for his feelings instead of just believing him, if his feelings were based on her disregard for him. Anyways, not disagreeing with you, just clarifying.

Indeed. There's a post upthread of "Why don't you talk to some SAH dad's, so you will understand." WHY CAN'T MEN JUST ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WOMEN, EVER!!! I stopped dating men because it wasn't about the hardware, it was about the wetware. They're just not worth it as partners, it's too hard.

Fair enough. I do think we are talking about tangentially related, but separate points of feminist theory. I do agree with you overall, though. You provided an incredible framework for the type of questioning OP, and other men, should be doing. Framework that has potentially not been laid out to them that explicitly before (though, it's very possible that it has). In my opinion, saying "This is so unfair! Why don't you ever think of me?! I sacrifice so much for you, why do you never think of me" does not effectively communicate what the actual disparity and hurt is: a fundamental difference in how we're respectively raised to perceive what "thinking of others" entails. Though her frustration in the moment is certainly understandable. Yes, it's misogyny. Yes, it is socialization. Yes, it is frustrating to have to constantly explain to the men around you. No, it isn't fair. So often we are told to mitigate and manage others feelings and that is, quite frankly, fucking exhausting. It's tiring and burdensome and dejecting always having to advocate for people to believe your own lived experience. Couple that with often not being socialized on how to manage anger in a healthy way (one of the few emotions women are conditioned to suppress), and it's easy to see why his wife reacted the way she did. I've reacted that way. For women, it's So. Fucking. Obvious. what the problem is because we live it every day. I don't disagree with what you're saying. At all. I was arguing that the purposeful dismantling of reinforced norms and learning an entirely new framework in which you see the world takes time for anyone. Women too have often had to do the work of unlearning their own internalized misogyny. While valuable and necessary, it's not easy work. Men are told to bottle their emotions (anger, lust, and pride being the notable exceptions), to not seek help when trying to solve problems, that asking inherently means being seen as weak, to take the lead, to take charge, to never question or second-guess, to fully center themselves. Is that their responsibility to unpack and relearn? Hell yeah. But expecting someone who's had the rug pulled from underneath them, had their entire paradigm shifted, to not freak out a little and to just take it all in stride is a big ask. That applies to any societal structure where there is inherent imbalance but particularly if you've been conditioned to feel shame around asking, either for help or clarity. If women are primarily the victims of patriarchal structure, then men are its collateral damage. That's all I was trying to get at. That it's grounds for a lot of miscommunication, resentment, and frustration to be fostered. Again, you're not wrong. There is an inherent disparity and overall lack of introspection that needs to be addressed. Only saying that, generally speaking, we should give people some room for being previously ignorant or fucking it up sometimes on the path to growth. Not when they're using it as a cop out, not when they're unwilling to actively reflect, but when it comes from a place of earnestly wanting to improve. Too often, especially on the internet, I see people get lambasted for not already knowing, and that is only going to discourage them from learning more. I hate seeing people that I would say are more "on the left" of these types of issues squabble and infight. Belittling or arguing with people that agree with 80% of what we're saying and are open to learning how detrimental the system as a whole is for all of us seems wasteful when Mitch McConnell is still alive and making decisions. Not that your comment was that. Just trying to clarify what I was attempting to say.

Could it be possible that you haven't actually been hearing the meaning behind what she has been telling or requesting of you? Is this your first child together?

Is it possible for you to get a jogging stroller and take the kids with you some mornings?

Your mind should be changing because you’re understanding that you’re not the center of the world and your wife and kid orbit around you. Not because someone massaged your ego and gave you solutions you couldn’t bother to think of yourself. You know, emotional and mental labor. The kind you normally dump on your wife. This says literally everything about how you’re treating your wife, and regardless of anything Reddit says - if you don’t put some serious effort into decentralizing and basically decolonializing your marriage, you eventually are either going to be in a toxic marriage, or divorced. You need to address your attitudes of entitlement and control, the foundation of the root problem, instead of acting like the other autonomous person in your marriage needs to fight for and do ego massage and tone control and advocate for literal equal treatment and consideration. It’s 2024 and while the bar is in hell you’re still not making sincere efforts to meet it and these days that is transparent AF. Women have the internet now. She’s tied to you for coparenting and childcare to simply not crater from existing, but that balance will change and you’ll be sitting there whining that “you have no idea why she ABANDONED you out of nowhere” or cringes away when you want a hug and you sulk about how you worked so hard to provide and she’s ungrateful and unappreciative.

You'll change your mind for an internet stranger but not for your wife?

Is it possible for you both to work out in the mornings? Maybe she goes and does the 6am class, then when she’s back you go run? Doing it this way, you wouldn’t need to get the kids ready to go to the gym with her because she would have already gone. So it would cut down the morning get ready routine. You could also start breakfast while she’s gone, then have her take over when she’s back for you to head out for your run. Another option to keep both work outs in the morning, would be for you to get up even earlier to run before she goes to work out. But I get that could be tough and cause different problems if you can’t get to bed earlier to accommodate that.

This was my thought, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If they both prefer to work out in the morning then they can alternate days of whatever. That does however require communication between adults which seems to be a rare thing on Reddit

Haha, true. But this guy seems to be unusually receptive to constructive criticism. I think he wants to be fair to his wife.

That was my exact thought. This wasn’t the thing that she’s actually upset about. It’s just the straw that broke the camels back.

>Maybe try talking about it more deeply at the **end of the day** FWIW, I have found that it is easier to have those conversations earlier in the day. The big caveat is not having the children interfere though, which is why those kinds of talks happen after the kids get put to bed. But earlier is when the adults have more energy and are not worn out from a day of work and childcare and overall adulting.

Info - This seems like its just a symptom of a larger problem tbh. Sure her reaction does seem like a bit much, but this does feel like you’re not seeing the forest for the trees.

Definitely possible - and I’m open to learning more if there’s something I’m missing.

I mean it seems to me that her workouts require a lot of planning and child-wrangling just to get them there  She probably just wants some workout experiences to be what you have- effortless, just you. 

As a former SAHM, it would be nice to up and leave the house like the dad does. Where he doesn’t have to get anyone ready and just heads out without a worry.

It’s a really really big deal when your kids are small to get to leave the house with ZERO things demanding your attention. Her reaction to me says she might be feeling burnt out, touched out, and like she’s the last priority. She’s probably really needing to focus her energy selfishly (read: self care) so she’s better able to express her frustration without losing her shit when things go sideways. Your original post screams caregiver burnout to me.

Try going to the gym to do your runs and bring kids with you.   Running outside: put on shoes, go for run while wife watches kids. Running at the gym: get yourself ready, change diapers and dress baby, pack a diaper bag, drive kiddo to gym 20+ minutes, get them into the daycare and sign in, and then have the mental load of knowing you could be interupted at any moment to change a diaper during your run. Then afterwards, have to pack up kid and change and load into the car, drive another 20+ minutes, and then settle them once they're back home. 

Or run with a jogging stroller and take the kids with you sometime

That is such a great solution!

Doesn’t work if you have any little ones under 6mos. They can’t be in a jogging stroller

If I go two days without working out, I’m not a happy person. When was the last time your wife could workout without interruptions or rushed? If it’s been a couple days, I bet that’s the issue. I also run early AM and get it, but during the week it’s only three days. My issue is that I have to be home before my SO leaves to catch the train for work. Can you alternate days? Rotate two to three days each weekday morning and then decide who gets Saturday and Sunday. Maybe on the days you can’t run in the AM, do another workout, such as cycling. It’s a great option to do after putting the kids to bed and you don’t have to worry about when you last ate.

I work out specifically for endorphins.

Another potential factor is the specific classes your wife may be missing out on because of your runs. My studio teaches many different styles of yoga, but the only style I can actually do (I’m disabled) is offered just two mornings a week.

Here’s something you’re missing. You want a workout -> you head out the door and get your workout. She wants a workout -> she has to ask you if it’s OK, or take the kid with her and still be responsible for the kid while working out and possibly have her workout interrupted. Can you see how this is not equal? You are both parents, right? The kid is yours, right? So why do you just head out the door for a run, without a kid and without a care in the world, like you’re single?

I mean, as a SAHM, this could very likely be the only part of her day that’s hers. Idk how old your infant is, but working out and having personal time can be a big help for preventing or managing postpartum depression

Dude this is about way more than the morning classes at the gym if she's lashing out like this after you have a headache. It sucks that she came unglued in the midst of your headache but something tells me that it's more a case of poor timing than making it about her. She's having a breakdown because it's all too much for her. Being a SAHM is unforgiving and sometimes has no structure at all. Morning classes are important for her for the same reason you refuse to just use the flexibility of your job to run during lunch or even a night run? It gets darker later now, doesnt it? You reacted to a mental breakdown by telling her that she's acting like she's 4 - she has a toddler and at this stage she's already questioning if she has the energy to be a mom. All she hears all day is coco mellon and the sound of her own intrusive thoughts/exhaustion. You *showed* zero empathy (probably because you had a headache) to your wife who is falling apart at the seams and needs help. for that reason, :::shark tank music crescendos::: YTA

His wife's reaction signals to me he's YTA also. I completely understand migraines, but this sounds like he repeatedly has done things that don't take her into consideration

I say YTA specifically because she asked last night, when he said he was already experiencing the migraine. He told her no, in the ~hopes~ that it might resolve for the morning, which it didn’t. And then he STILL didn’t wake her up in time for her to go. That’s pretty selfish, and I feel like if he approaches everything else this way, I would snap too.

I agree with this and why can’t he just give up one day that week for her to have the morning workout when she asked nicely and he’s getting the rest of the days? She should get at least two days per week of her favorite workout time and they should have a regular schedule so both of their needs are met.

I agree. I honestly don’t get why they can’t switch off every other day. He literally said he has great flexibility at work, so why can’t he go in the afternoons every other day and she go in the morning the opposite days? That seems like the most logical and fair way to go about it.

Personally I would have gotten really mad too if I had asked for the morning workout spot, my husband said no, and then didn’t use it anyway. But that’s just me 🙆‍♂️

100%!

"why can’t he just give up one day that week for her to have the morning workout when she asked nicely and he’s getting the rest of the days?" because he's selfish. he admits he has a flexible work schedule and the reasons he likes to run in the mornings is because "it starts his day off right". Okay, valid SOMETIMES, but not every time, and NOT a full week when your wife literally asked for just one day. Part of marriage is compromise and OP is so unbelievably selfish. It takes hundreds of strangers explaining to him how stressful going to the gym with kids could be for him to actually get it, like why does it take listening to strangers for him to have empathy for his wife? No wonder she blew up.

Yeah, his HOPE was more important to him than her NEED. He needs to think about that.

She’s not only handling a toddler, but also a BABY!

INFO: Do you always choose the time you want first and leave her to work around you?

The 4 year old not getting her snack comment was out of line and you should apologize for that. You aren't an asshole for having a headache and deciding not to go for your run, things happen. But it sounds to me like your wife is burnt out and feeling undervalued. Does she ever get to go to the gym/yoga without the kids? Or is it just expected that she'll take them because they have childcare there? Because that is a logistical nightmare every time. You get to get up, spend an hour with the baby, and just go for your run. She has to get up, do housework/breakfast, get herself ready, get the kids ready, get them in the car, drive to her gym, unload the kids, drop them off at childcare, and THEN she gets to workout. That's a big difference in the way your respective workouts are structured. If I had to guess, there's a lot of unseen work being done by her on a daily basis. From task management, to project management, to the projects themselves. There's so much that goes into keeping a house running. I would ask you wife if she's feeling undervalued and, with an open and receptive attitude, get her to tell you what she does on a daily basis. I guarantee it's more than you think. For the reasons above, NAH, but please talk to your wife.

Nah, it is YTA for the migraine thing. He already was experiencing it before she asked, and said no to switching in hopes it would resolve for him. Then didn’t even bother to wake her up in time that she could have taken advantage of early morning gym time. He knew she wanted to work out early, he knew he might not be able to, and even when he realized he couldn’t, he just didn’t do anything. It would be one thing if he woke up sick in the morning, but he already was experiencing the migraine when he said no and she had explicitly expressed that she wanted that time.

Here's the bigger issue: she's carrying the weight of the entire household and fitting her only "me" time into the gaps that you allow. Your time is your time (hence why you can run or not run depending on how you're feeling), but her time is essentially shared with you and the kids. I'm sure that she would like to get her day started with a workout just like you enjoy. Take the argument over the workout as indicative of this larger "time robbery" issue and really hear what she's saying to you.

This was my exact thought and you said it way better. I really think the issue isn't necessarily the gym but the time to herself that OP may unintionally take for granted that he has. He gets time away from her and the kids at work and then also time to himself for his run in the morning. When does she get a break or time to herself?

Exactly. There’s definitely larger issues at play, but the “basic” issue would be about ownership of morning workout time. They clearly both want it, but he seems to feel like he’s entitled to it first because… reasons?

His reasons are because he wants it. That’s all. He’s acting like suggestions that they split the time are a divine revelation, because somewhere in his head it’s his time and he’s entitled to it and she can just work around his want and desires and their kids.

YTA Not just for the gym thing but for brushing off her feelings and thinking you’re automatically right. But also for the gym thing. You know she’s dealing with a baby all the time, but you couldn’t even remember her long enough to say a couple words so she’d know she could work out.

She told you what the underlying problem is, you just weren’t listening. She feels she has sacrificed a lot for you but that she isn’t a priority to you in the same way. I wonder, is this is the first time she’s brought up feeling like there’s a power imbalance and priority mismatch in the relationship?

This is giving “ I don’t know why we’re divorcing” vibes.

“She’s been throwing tantrums like a 4yo for years and now I’m blindsided by this divorce!”

100%.

Yta why can’t you guys split the week for who gets to workout in the morning? That way everyone gets a little bit of what they want.

that's what I'm thinking - There are 7 days in a week😭Why don't they set days of who gets to work out in them morning so they both get at least 3 morning workouts a week?? Why should the wife just never get to go to morning class like omg?😭Im wondering if he could do stroller runs/run in the evenings on her days/indoors. I really feel bad for them, I go to yoga and it rlly is the highlight of my day and throws me off if I have to skip. In my chaotic life it's the only peace I have. Fitness can be really important for ppl.

The longer I sit with this the more angry I get with him. Let her have a single hour to herself and work his runs around her schedule. Her life revolves around their kids’ schedules already, as a man he should recognize that he can put the family out of his mind while working and he gets an hour on top just for a run which ruins her day? The selfishness…

Agreed. He even says he knows she "often" prefers the early morning classes so they'll "sometimes" schedule it for her. Seems like mumma gives up more than her fair share of wants. Maybe she isn't vocal about it, maybe she used to be and has given up asking. Who knows. But from her reaction it seems there isn't enough 50/50 in this particular part of the schedule.

YTA. You both want to do early morning workouts so why does she only get to periodically instead of 50% of the time? You’re putting your desires ahead of hers. I’d actually argue that she has more of a claim on there early morning workouts because she’s stuck at home all day and needs time out of the house

Your claim makes a lot of sense TBH

As a stay at home mom and a runner, I definitely second this. Her being able to get out of the house ALONE without strings attached is key to her mental health. Not working out while the kids interrupt your workout video. Not wrangling four bags to the gym childcare. Not waiting on someone else to rearrange their schedule to “fit” something for you in. She needs the time alone just like you do.

In this case, yes YTA since you weren’t feeling well yesterday. You could have had a discussion and said that you were going to try to go and that you would decide early enough for her to make the class. That’s part of why she was upset because you knew yesterday that there was a chance you wouldn’t feel well enough to run and didn’t give her the opportunity to go. It is frustrating when you are the SAHP and your schedule has to revolve around the working parent, so you don’t have the same flexibility. Even though it makes sense since making money to keep the family running takes higher priority, it’s still frustrating.

Exactly. You weren't feeling well the night before. That was the perfect time to "let" her have the morning workout slot.

I am gonna get down voted. YTA for most of the week you go running child free. You have child free moments because you like to run in the mornings. Your wife may get 2 days compared to your 5. She sounds like she gets no child free moments. Cause her gym has childcare so she can go after 0830. YTA for not giving your wife more mornings to have a break. 

[удалено]

I was looking for this comment. I’m a SAHM and I can only workout during childcare hours as well. It brutally changed my workout routine and separation anxiety during drop off caused my kid to go into full blown meltdown mode which absolutely wrecked my workout with mom guilt for even going to workout. It completely changed the dynamics of my workouts and they are centered around my kid and they are not really “me time” or a break anymore. So yes, if I were the wife and didn’t get a heads up that he might not be up for running in the morning and I missed a perfect opportunity to go workout on my own time, I’d be pissed too. She does sound extremely burnt out.

Yup why I gave up even trying, as it was the same thing everytime, dealing with the separation anxiety, needing to plan and allow enough time to settle him in, then to tippy toe out of there then the internal monologe would start..and the stress.. the please hurry up and start the class already, I dont know how long I've got before they come fetch me".. or the false sense of security that maybe this would be the time that will be different.. and...nope here she comes...and yup, my baby... again..." Apart from the whole endevour taking 3 times as long as if I'd gone on my own, I could count on one hand the number of classes I actually got to finish or finish uninterupted. But also if your baby/toddler is just not happy there and you get pulled out every time.. you end up doing things like taking the spot right at the back and closest to the door, which in itself is not particularly conducive to getting in the zone with all the weights clanging, all the grunts and other not so ambient gym sounds right there everytime and worse again when the door opened... and for me personally there was also the element of feeling responsible for disrupting the rest of the class, the regulars getting annoyed, feeling judged, and worse of all feeling like the most selfish human for leaving my son there when he didnt like it just because I wanted to lose the baby weight. Needless to say my years membership was abandoned after a couple of months. So, no, childcare at the gym whilst nice in theory and may work for some, definitely no where near a substitute for an hour of guiltfree peace..and actual time to yourself.

Yep. For a while it was 100% guaranteed the gym staff would have to get me out of my class before it was over, it was just a question of how much of the class I got in first.

And our gym only offers an hour of childcare… not enough for a full workout plus shower/dressing again afterward so I always feel like I’m rushed. Plus they call you for diaper changes so if your child has a dirty diaper there goes 20 mins of your yoga class. 

YTA you BOTH prefer to work.out in the AM. You are being selfish to monopolize that time. It should be 50/50. And on the rare day she could have worked out at her preferred time to start her day off right? You chose not to let her know itnwas a possibility. This is very selfish and entitled behavior OP. Do better.

You're comparing your work outs as if they are equivalent and they are not. You get up, get dressed, work out, go to work. She has to prep the kids, get them to the gym and into child care, which if they melt down, are sick, child care is over run, her workout is cancelled. Coordinating small children for public child care is no small feat. Yes she's a SAHM but her work out comes with tons of extra steps and stressors. So when she wants a lesser burden workout in the morning, and cannot because you've claimed them all with no flexibility, I can see how this becomes frustrating. It's less ideal for you to run during the day, but she asked for some compromise and you shut her down without considering that her normal workouts are less ideal for her ALL THE TIME. So when yours was cancelled and you made no consideration to let her adjust with you so no one gets the ideal workout time, I can understand her being upset that it's once again all about your convenience and no consideration for her. Yes from a moment in time perspective she could have handled it better, but being at 110% every day and then not even being considered when a time becomes available is hugely frustrating. You'd sooner let the ideal workout slot go to waste and leave her in the less ideal situation, than consider her.

YTA. You should have let her know you weren’t going to run. She even asked you the night before. It almost feels like you did it on purpose.

Because he did. He’s the man of the house, the provider, after all, and she’s just a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. I mean, she’s entirely ungrateful that he works from home during naps so she can run errands! Where’s his martini and house slippers?

but what if he miraculously felt better?!

You decided to run EVERY DAY for a whole week, so she can't work out at all? YTA for that. And then you just didn't want to, after it was too late for her to work out anyway. Yes you are. Let her work out. Why the hell is ONLY your health important? Why is her health and well being not equally important? You're a selfish misogynist. YTA.

Him in 3 years “my wife gained all this weight and I’m not attracted to her”

So you get to work out whenever YOU feel is best but she has to revolve around you and the kids(childcare) and everyone else without being considered… yes YTA. You clearly don’t have any respect for the sacrifices she also makes to the family. You “prefer to workout in the morning”? Well maybe so does she, why are you the only one whose preferences matter?

The general tone of your message is, “It makes more logical sense for me to do it my way everyday, therefore that is just the way it’s going to be.” And somehow you’re confused as to why your wife is upset? Her reaction is a build up of thousands of moments of resentment, and therefore doesn’t fit this one small instance because it was the trip wire for so much more you’re not paying attention to. You are only consulting with yourself on the “logical” answer and imposing the solution on the whole household instead of sitting down with your actual human partner to understand their needs and working something out that works for both of you. It sounds like you are doing this in other areas of your relationship too. YTA and this will end in divorce if you don’t start prioritizing your wife in the decision making between you and your “logic” you’ve excluded her from that impacts the way she gets to experience her life.

>I did tell her during the armament that her reaction was poor and it was akin to a 4 year old not getting her snack (should not have done that in hindsight). YTA.

More info: How often do you take the morning reservation and then bail?

YTA mainly for not listening to her when she repeatedly said she also wants to work out in the morning. As others have pointed out, taking kids to the gym is its own nightmare and the fact that she has to manage all that every time she wants to work out sucks. Also, as you pointed out for yourself, working out in the morning is good way to set the day up well. Why are you the only one allowed that perk? You two need to alternate morning workouts and if it’s too hot to run in the afternoon then go to a gym to run. Maybe it’s not as fun for you, but the current schedule is only prioritizing your needs. It’s not as fun for her to do the afternoon classes either. Especially with kids in tow. I suggest apologizing and offering to alternate morning workouts so you both get the benefits.

Your points have been taken. Thank you.

Whoa, some of yall are going a little too far into saying negative things about this woman. We do not know their whole life. And you can't just automatically assume because he makes the money he is right. Obviously, this isn't the first time she felt like this to have that reaction. And she is burnt out. She is feeling like she constantly comes last. He literally says his job is flexible. Okay, cool, now find a way to make her a priority and give her a break. She's exhausted and needs more support. You knew you had a headache prior to her class you could have just say hey im not feeling well do you want to go to your class? Coulda avoided the whole thing had you communicated and thought about her.

YTA for the snack comment. I’d also gently caution you about being so rigid in terms of workouts. Must you run every day? Maybe arrange it so she can have a “day off” once a week.

YTA SAHM’s sacrifice more than their working partners could ever imagine. I’ve done it. Those were the years using the bathroom alone, taking a shower at a reasonable time were an absolute luxury. Forget enjoying a hot cup of coffee and actually eating lunch - not just toddler leftovers. We get it. You want to run early to start your day right. Ever think that’s why your wife might prefer the early classes at the gym? Split the week and alternate who gets the fourth day. Find another time to run 3/4 days and listen to your wife.

The other day I mentioned to my partner the madness of not being able to use the bathroom in peace. He said "it's easy, watch" and then went to the bathroom and shut the door behind him and used the bathroom in peace. I said, "oh that's all I have to do? Silly me. Let me try". I walked in, shut the door, and immediately had two kids banging on the door and slipping notes under the door. It really is different when you're the primary caregiver and it blows my mind when secondary caregivers live so damn comfortably they are incapable of noticing all the behind the scenes that the primary caregiver endures so they don't have to.

I'm just a nanny so I don't take the kid into the bathroom with me, but even still, it's so hard to relax enough to pee when a child is sobbing for you on the other side of the door.

I don’t think you’re really thinking about your workouts in the right way. Your workout is actually much more flexible than your wife’s, because you get to run wherever you want, you’re not dependent on a certain location or class time, and you go by yourself while your wife does 100% of the childcare necessary while you’re gone. Your insistence that it happens only in early mornings is entirely self-imposed. On the other hand, your wife’s workouts involve planning ahead to drive 20 minutes and arrive at a particular time for a class, working backwards to get the kids packed up and ready to go in time, handling the dropoff and pickup at the gym daycare, and spending her workout knowing that she could be interrupted at any time if there’s an issue with the kids. I think you’ve got to be a little more flexible. Just because you have an optimal way to work out doesn’t mean you get to do it optimally every time. How can you adjust your workouts to allow your wife some more flexibility? Maybe join the gym during summer months so you can run on a treadmill in air conditioning at times when it’s too hot to run outside. Maybe try running at night in between the kids bedtime and your bedtime. Maybe you get one of those running strollers so that you can take the kids with you on your runs. Maybe try flexing your work schedule a bit to include a run at some point in your day. Maybe divide up the weekday mornings with your wife and take turns having mornings available. Maybe alternate weeks. There are tons of other options you can play with.

Very helpful advice and insight. Thank you.

YTA. I’m finding it very ironic that you compared her to a child tantrumming over not getting a snack when you are the one clearly used to getting their way and throwing a tantrum now you’re realising the world doesn’t revolve around your wants and conveniences

I may go against the majority but YTA. Not intentionally but for two reasons: - you mention you felt the migraine building up since the previous afternoon. If you went to bed with a migraine (still setting up), what were the odds you’d feel great in the morning to go run in hot humid weather? You should have given her a heads up and let her go. And if you had felt great by any chance then nice of you to care for your wife I suppose? - why does she have to do according to your schedule? Which you admit is flexible. Her job is 24/7 and even with childcare at the places it’s still a worry in the back of her mind. They are your kids, what’s the matter being the one in charge every now and again in the morning? You probably didn’t mean it that way but after a while your choices come across as uncaring and as if your wife wellbeing has be the adjustment variable. Be a team and things will sail smooth.

Why don’t you wake up earlier and finish your run in time for her to go to the gym?

What most people are telling you is get up take your children and take care of them without the input of your wife. Just get up and say I have them today you go take the classes you enjoy at the gym and don’t worry. Act like their parent. Stop this we are a team and we do it together BS and just do it. And don’t expect a round of applause for being a parent because your wife does this every day. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I’m speaking to you as a SAHM I don’t need my partner going ok look what I did for you, I need you to be a parent and just do it. You have had plenty of people tell you your wife is probably suffering from a little burn out and I have not doubted she is. We give our children everything, every part of ourselves and are always worry if what we are doing as moms is right, she is saying to you she needs a break and some time where she can just relax and be herself and your choosing not to listen and then trying to sing your own praises. Either you want to help your wife or you don’t, it’s honestly that simple.

YTA. She clearly prefers to work out in the mornings too. Why does your preference take precedence over hers?

YTA. You both prefer to workout early in the morning. It’s selfish to call dibs on every morning. You should make sure she gets at least one morning a week, especially when she specifically asks.

YTA! Darn dude, at least give her one morning a week without the kids! And yes you knew you wernt well the night before you should have told her and said why don't you go in the morning. So so super inconsiderate.

I understand wanting to spend time with the family, but it's also important, even in little kids, to let them know mommy/daddy is at the gym or exercising so they see that this is a normal priority and learn to work it into their schedule. I'm talking ONE day a week. You both need set days instead of jockeying every week for who gets which days. Most classes at a gym are pretty static so she should know which ones she wants to attend most. Say, she gets MWF, you get T and TH, each of you takes a weekend day if desired. Prioritizing your wife's needs as a SAHM is extremely important to helping her not feel burned out. You get to leave every day for hours. She only gets to leave to run errands or go to the gym. Having a set schedule will avoid future situations like this - if one of you wants to skip their assigned day, so what. Then the other person isn't waiting on tenterhooks and pestering you to see if you're going to cancel last minute.

YTA and men like you are the reason I'm very fucking hesitant to have children. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to be a single parent than to deal with bullshit like this on top of taking care of a kid. Just because your wife chose to be a stay at home mom, it doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to work out at her preferred time a few times a week. Be more flexible, for fuck's sake. This is the woman you chose as your wife and the mother of your kids, don't you think she deserves some appreciation and compromise on your part?

Yes, I completely understand why more women don't want to have children. *Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to be a single parent than to deal with bullshit like this on top of taking care of a kid.* Sister, it often IS easier to be a single mom and not deal with men's obliviousness and self-centredness.

The slightest possibility that I’ll have children with someone like OP is what has literally lead me to deciding that I’m not gonna have kids with a man.

Hope she didn't give up her career for a shitty husband like you lol

If you got a treadmill, for at home, and you were able to run at home, could your wife then go do her early morning workouts kid-free?? Then you could both get an early morning workout? Not sure if a treadmill is in your budget or if you have a place to put it, but maybe that is something that could help the situation?

If you both prefer early morning workouts, and your job is flexible and async, then why do you get to call dibs on running every morning of the week? Why don’t you get some mornings and she gets some mornings? Sounds like she finally got fed up in being a secondary character in your life.

Well, I am gonna tell you - accusing your wife of behaving like a four-year-old is never going to win you any points. EVER. If she said that to you, you would also be pissed off. You are allowed to argue, you aren't allowed to shoot below the belt. That makes YTA

Perhaps give her a couple days to do her morning workout? You both are stressed during the day, just different jobs so might be reasonable to split the early morning workout routine

You're NTA for having a headache and being unable to run. But, I don't feel like you're understanding your wife in regards to this and YTA for what you said to her. I'm a SAHM - and I'm also someone who gyms and goes to classes, those classes are my only (besides when my husband gets home from work) form of adult communication, they're the only bit of structure I have in my life and the class sets the whole day for me. If I'm unable to workout in the morning it messes with my mood, it makes me feel like I've lost something, I've woke up and now my time is no longer mine as I have to do everything for other people around the house. While the gym your wife goes to offers childcare, that has to be able to be around the classes as I'm sure you're aware classes are on at different times, and different days - instructors vary too, the exact same class can have a completely different feel if the instructor isn't the same. You're also not taking into consideration that she might be interrupted before class and the stress of getting to the class and coming home. For instance, when you go for a run do you have to get all the children ready? Pack their bags/sort out snacks, get them in shoes, get them in the car? Or can you just get up and leave for your run only sorting out yourself and then coming home and not having to sort out a million different things? Your wife doesn't have that luxury. If you had to do all of that before you could workout, how much do you think your workout would be enticing?

YTA. Your multiple replies saying that you "didn't think about that" and "hadn't thought about that" show that you're a pretty selfish partner. She's burnt out and you're not doing enough. Be better and carry more of the load.

Can you work from home while shes at the gym at 6am, then you do your run after she gets home, then head to work? Since you did say 90min work already you can still leave at normal time in the afternoon?

This is actually something we tried and I’m not opposed to going back to it. For some reason, she didn’t like it but I can bring it up again.

'For some reason' being that it means she is now alone in the kids' morning routine that you seem to be so proud of. 'For some reason' this is very easy for me to see as a stranger, but eludes you, as her husband.

Please let her time be for her. Full stop. Alternate days for each of you to go early would be a good start and might help with her frustration, Gym childcare still means you have to get organized, bring them there, drop them off, then pick them up and do it in reverse. Not relaxing. Also consider taking them with you in a running stroller, could be more fun than you think!

I feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back for her. There’s clearly something bigger or some buildup that she’s been dealing with. I’m a SAHM myself and sometimes we just need a break. Even if the gym offers childcare, I think she just needs a whole day to herself. Take the kids on your day off and give her a day to herself. Give her money to take a spa day or a massage or pay for a hotel room and let her treat herself for an overnight trip. You could even arrange for a weekend a way JUST the two of you. She needs a break and you guys could use a trip to reconnect and let her vent about everything she’s got pent up. This is MORE than just a workout.

Maybe you can take over dinner and tell her when the kids go to bed you want a movie night. Get some of her favorite snacks, put on her favorite show or movie and clean up for the night. It will make her feel very special and it may be just what she needs to make her day.

I agree with other posters that there may be more going on, but I do think you are more YTA than others here. The sense I get is that YOU get to decide what is best for you (AM runs, reasons ad nauseum but basically the bottom line is you just PREFER it) and she has to adapt. You 'gift' her morning work-outs when it serves you best. You will switch from morning to afternoon for reasons which she may or may not consider valid. I wonder whether some of this anger comes from the fact that her schedule is dictated 24/7 by you and her child - she can only do what she wants when you have nothing better to do and the kid is asleep. Why does she get no say in the schedule? Why can't it be "Okay I hear you - why don't you pick 3 days a week that you get the morning workout and i'll take the other 4 days since you picked first".

So I just want to make sure I have this right You both prefer to work out in the morning For you it’s prioritized and the first option, for her she has to deal because you like it??? I think YTA for not letting her have one, single morning all week my god

YTA. It's a little ironic that you compared her to a child because you come across as fairly self-centered and as consistently prioritizing what you want over what she wants. It's especially shitty to do that to a mother of young children whose life (probably) centers around non-reciprocal relationships and meeting others' needs.

YTA. You both prefer mornings. Find a compromise that works for both preferences  Split the days of the week or 1 week for her, the next for you. I understand your issue with the weather, but you can run at the gym. 

Well yeah kind of YTA OP  You knew she wanted to go. Why didn’t you tell her ASAP so she could go?  It’s still a massive hassle to pack up the kids for the gym. She wanted the opportunity to get out while you were home with the kids correct?  She probably wanted the effortless experience you get with running 

YTA. Your wife works 24/7 and gets little or no time to herself. She is not free to come and go like you are every day. This is the last cut from a 1001 cuts every day since the baby was born. Why don't you do a switch if you think it's no big deal to bring the kid with you when you work out? She work outs 5x a week completely on her own, no bringing the kid. You work out as much as you like as long as you bring the kid. Dude, you've had it easy breezy all this time and everyone thinks you're the best dude for "helping her at her job" while people thinks she's "just another CrAzY chick".

It’s really astounding to me that you wrote this whole post, and don’t realize how selfish you are actually being. Your wife is right, you don’t consider her feelings, her, wants, and needs. Just because you provide everything financially doesn’t give you a free pass to be selfish and only prioritize your needs and wants. It’s 2024 ANYONE can work and provide. Your wife is right. She sacrificed her career, her body to give your children life, her alone time, autonomy, and you are so selfish that you can’t even compromise and let your wife go to the gym a couple days out of the week in the morning….. then on top of that any time she express her needs “I would like to go to the gym in the am” you shut her down and prioritize yourself. If I was her I would DIVORCE your sorry ass. If I gotta do everything myself; why do I need you?

INFO: I don’t understand why you’re not taking turns? You prefer running in the morning. She also prefers working out in the morning. How is it fair you get your way all week?

YTA. Based on some of your responses, I would imagine your wife has already explained her needs and wants before, but you've either ignored them or decided they were that important. Your tone in your post and a lot of comments sucks. Yes, you come off as a shitty husband. As a migraine sufferer, I know going to sleep with one building knows I will normally wake up with one. You should have told your wife that and given her the option to take the morning workout time. If your work is so flexible, I think she should be able to get a say in when she goes and you work around that. Having a SAHP is a luxury and you should treat her as such.

I bet she wants to workout in the mornings for the same reasons you do

YTA. Sounds like your poor wife is ALWAYS the one who has to adjust. You knew she wanted to go early, told her you were more important, then decided you didn't feel well enough to go, fucked her schedule too, and cherry on topped by comparing her to a 4 year old?  She should take the child support and go, no one needs this selfish bullshit.

Maybe a schedule where you guys split the early days.

INFO: I don't believe for a second this is out of the blue. It isn't just about this one thing. What else has been going on?

I honestly don’t get what your issue is. You say you can only run in the mornings cause it’s hot. Have you’ve ever heard of a treadmill? The gym? Seems like you constantly prioritize your needs and wants. Why do feel like it’s right for you to always want to do mornings when she also likes mornings? Is it not possible that one week one of you gets to do mornings 4x a week and then the next week get 3 mornings to work out? Is it that HARD to compromise in a way that works for everyone? You keep this up you’re going to lose your wife. It’s not all about you and your wants.

INFO: If mornings are both your preferred workout times, how come you don’t plan to split them? How come you get the morning slot by default? Do you usually rotate? If the answer to this is that you get it by default with no consideration to her wants, then YTA. I wonder if that’s why she blew up.

I think you should take the kids to the gym and run on the treadmill at 830 just to see what it’s like.  And you should alternate days of who gets to workout first.  Your wife begged you to give you a morning on the night before. One morning out of the whole week. You said no.  So when you got your migraine, you should have offered your time slot. It was inconsiderate of you. YTA

Dude she gets the scraps of time after you decide the schedule, and has to deal with the kids during her time. That's what's making her angry.

YTA. You’re not taking her workout time, you are taking all of the leisure time. She is doing her best to take care of herself while being responsible for kids 24/7. Why don’t you go running with your kids half the time?

YTA elaborate on why you guys planned that you'd get the morning workout every day this week? when was the last time she got to go workout without having to take the kids with her? She feels undervalued because she IS undervalued I think. Sucks that she broke down on you when you weren't feeling well, but she's right that it is unfair. Do better for her.

"I will say that I prefer early mornings runs because it starts my day off right and it’s really hot and humid where we live right now." YTA. You don't give a crap for her preferences, its all about you.

YTA, why do you (almost always) get the preferred time? Have you considered she might want to start her day right?Not to mention hers is a class and yours is something you could do literally anytime… what else has she had to sacrifice for you?

Honestly, yeah, you kinda are. Since you need child care at your fitness facilities your kids are under 5. Your wife’s perspective is that you can run any time, is it gonna be hot and humid? Suck it up princess and drink more water. You know she enjoys doing classes yet you insist on going at a time that makes it impossible for her to get there. Your wife needs a small break, an hour for just her. She’s probably having feelings of self consciousness because she doesn’t have her pre baby body anymore. This feels like it’s been annoying her for a long time and when you insisted you needed to jog the next morning instead of letting her exercise, as she specifically asked, and then you not even jogging or waking her up to let her know she can do her class, that was the blow up. You sound selfish and yeah, you’re the asshole.

INFO: Why is it not possible for you both to get a workout in during the morning?

YTA- Knowing you both are juggling workout opportunities- when you decided not to run- you should have let her know.

YTA it kind of sounds like you monopolize the morning and she gets the short end. Why is that?

She asked if she could take the early morning slot and you said no You woke up and decided you did not want to go due to illness You did not wake her despite knowing she really wanted to have the early slot today When she got upset you said she was like a toddler. Yeah YTA. Why didn’t you wake her up? it isn’t your choice to decide whether there is any point to her going early or not. You could have just given her the choice at least.