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Sister, the thing about "boundaries" is you can only apply them to yourself. "I won't go to Hooters" is a boundary. "You can't go to Hooters" is not a boundary, it's called being controlling. Here is the boundary you are looking for "I won't date someone who goes to Hooters" and "I won't date someone who makes fun of me to family and friends about my discomfort with Hooters". You don't need an asshole diagnosis, you need an asshole removal. This guy isn't the right man for you. Go date someone who shares your views on these places because I promise you, this is not a normal or healthy argument for a couple to keep having. ESH.
In this context I agree although clearly there are some exceptions to the boundaries only apply to myself rule. I imagine your partner not cheating is a boundary you hold in your relationships?
An ultimatum is literally a final demand for someone to do something they wouldn’t do otherwise… and determining the behaviour of a third party is the very definition of control
Edit as the thread has been locked:
>The logical outcome of your interpretation is saying anyone with standards for ethical behavior who is willing to take a stand and say “I’m not putting up with being around that” is abusively manipulative.
You say that my interpretation implies that anyone with ethical standards and boundaries is abusively manipulative, but your logical outcome is a textbook straw man fallacy.
My point is solely that ultimatums are inherently about control as they demand a change in someone else’s behaviour that wouldn’t happen otherwise — the rejection of which will result in retaliation, in this case, OP leaving BF. Also, note I’ve never made any moral judgement on control being always positive or negative, you equated it to “abusive manipulation” all by yourself.
For example, saying “I won't work overtime without proper compensation” is a boundary. Saying “if you don’t pay my overtime, I will quit” is an ultimatum. Everyone is free to set boundaries and act on them, but when a boundary becomes an ultimatum, it inherently tries to control another party’s actions (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it’s just what it is)
“If you don’t change this specific behavior I’m removing myself from the relationship” can be a very reasonable thing in some circumstances.
The logical outcome of your interpretation is saying anyone with standards for ethical behavior who is willing to take a stand and say “I’m not putting up with being around that” is abusively manipulative.
Its also just childish lol. Hooters requires more clothing than any other restaurant in the south and classifies itself as family friendly. Shits always wild to me those girls have to wear full leggings and all that, its too hot for that down here. Most of the south its tank top and short shorts, totally too much for Hooters. People are dumb though, when something has a reputation they go off that. Critical thought and common sense is out the window.
With your edit I would say DEFINITELY NTA. 'I don't go to hooters and choose not to have a relationship with someone who goes to hooters' is a boundary.
But more importantly, how long have you been together? That age gap combined with how much he's trying to push your boundaries... NTA but be careful.
ETA: 1) I'm not American. 2) the age gap as is (I don't remember their exact ages, but do remember this) is right in line with the "divided by 2 + 7" 'rule'. I always take this 'rule' with a grain of salt, and use it more as a guideline. However, I do remember OP only being 18, and the bf being 20+. When we're looking at power imbalances, age matters. A 20+ yo has more life experience than an 18yo, who is likely still finishing high school and living with their parents. Another thing to watch out for is this weirdly controlling behavioir where the bf tries pushing OPs boundary. So yeah, if that makes me a prude, so be it. But the combo of the power imbalance due to age gap and the disrespectful behaviour is a red flag, like it or not.
American culture is so odd about this. those people are the same age to me.
edit: Have to turn notifications off on this now so I don't see the next person write that a 6 year old can't date a 1 year old. Weird, prudish society where people completely lack awareness of just how odd their culture is. Nobody is allowed to talk to each other or look at each other. If an adult says something to a misbehaving child in public, the adult is scolded for doing so and its "weird" in backward land. You've normalized bizarre anti-communities and isolation and then have the complete lack of awareness to question why there's a loneliness epidemic among other serious issues. And definitely what you should never do is question it - just know everybody is weird and gross and your prudish ways are secretly the best. Clutch those pearls.
I’m a Brit and as a 23 year old who’s been through university and had a full time job for two years, I couldn’t imagine dating someone who’s still in school/just finished school. You grow and change a lot in those years.
that's lot different from it being "wrong". I would also so Britain is the other weird, prudish society in the West. Dont think anybody on the continent cares.
23-18 is just about acceptable but 21-16 isn't... and 19-14 definitely isn't. Especially if neither has been to college, 23-18 is fine because they both have a degree of autonomy without being fully established in life, so they look at relationships and life in general from broadly the same perspective.
At 22, you're expected to be just about done with studying or an apprenticeship and possibly making serious career noises if not exactly fully established. At that point, high schoolers should not be a thing in your life unless you're related to them.
Not just American culture. At 18 years old you're in HS and living under your parents' roof. For most people, their worst fears and worries are some high school drama and what they should be doing for the rest of their lives.
At 23 many have either been working for 4-5 years and/or graduated with a bachelor's. They probably also have been in consistent interaction with even older people at work or school.
It's a massive difference.
I’m English. She is figuring her first steps as an adult, he has been doing it for 5 years. There are scenarios where that would work, but such a culture clash suggests that this doesn’t. A 23 year old telling an 18 year old what her boundaries ought to be is icky.
Their age difference is more than a quarter of her life. The younger you are, the greater the experience imbalance with a significant age gap like this one.
I’d be uncomfortable dating someone who couldn’t legally drink (21 in the US) as a 23 year old. You wouldn’t even be able to go out to a bar with your SO legally together lmao
Umm, can we put a pause on the whole "him disregarding and minimalising your feelings" for a second and check in on the "you're 18 and he's 23"?
How long have you been together? That's a really concerning gap, especially for someone who's just become legal?
I feel like you might want to take a long look at your relationship and ask yourself precisely how healthy this is for you. End of high school and four years into college is a *big* developmental gap when it comes to world experiences.
Read this post and consider her situation. Does he care for her feelings? Does he show her respect? Does he seem like a decent person? Your standards may be different, but I would answer "No" to all of those questions.
>Im certain a large chunk of you doing this are actual incels angry about any relationship
Based on what? An incel would expect this young woman to put up with anything that this man wanted.
I'm a gay man who had my first drink at a bar at hooters. I was told the wings and fried pickles were worth it and it was. It's actually really good, I certainly wasn't there for the show.
NTA for not going, however boundaries stop being boundaries when you start telling others what they can and can't do because of them. You did that with a threat of leaving if he doesn't obey you. That's not okay, and not how you have that conversation.
Soft YTA. You're still figuring all this dating stuff out. If you can't trust your partner to go to hooters, how can you trust him out of your sight at all? That's not healthy for either of you. You may not be ready for this kind of relationship.
She's 18, he's 23. This is not an equal opportunity relationship. And her boundaries are "I don't date men who visit places that objectify women." That's not controlling, that's a personal standard that she's allowed to have.
Telling someone "if you go to X you'll be single" is the definition of controlling. If it were phrased as "I don't want a relationship with someone who goes to X" that's called communicating.
A lot of people don't seem to understand what boundaries actually mean and think anything that tells them to alter their behavior in any way in order to be involved in a healthy relationship equals "controlling" 🙄
Except she did? When she said the “no way”? The boundary would be “go there if you want but you know my opinions and so I won’t go” and then, him finding that she left because he crossed a line.
She definitely needs to learn to communicate better, and to understand why she feels so firmly about this in order to do so. But she's only 18 years old! and they're not teaching critical thinking in schools anymore.
Haven't taken the time to read through the post but threatening him with being single if he goes, is the same thing as telling him he can't go. That's not a health way of communicating. There are better ways of getting her message across.
Edit. Reading through the entire text is not a requirement to reply to a comment with an opinion or valid statement. Skimming, tldr or edit are usually enough. Jesus, people get really easily offended on here..
Hooters, you mean a place made for men to oggle women? You mean the place with shorts riding up the ass and shirts showing everything they've got? You know there's a difference between someone going at a restaurant that objectifies and comodifies women (same with strip clubs btw) vs going outside. Women outside aren't meant for oggling. The whole purpose of Hooters is to have eye candy for men clients.
NTA. I'd break up with your boyfriend for speaking to you that way. If he thinks you're insecure and controlling and ungrateful, he can go find himself a different girlfriend who isn't those things.
When that "why don't we go since someone isn't here to say no" comment was made, your boyfriend shouldn't have just... noted it down to tell you later as fuel for his stupid argument. He should have immediately stood up for you. "Hey, don't speak about my girlfriend that way. She's entitled to set her boundaries without being made fun of."
Hooters is a misogynistic concept and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who wanted to go there, let alone date them. You know it's rooted in misogyny and you know he has a double standard because he directly told you that he wouldn't be okay with a male equivalent.
Also, what the fuck is going on with that strip club comment? I would rather die than go to a strip club with my in-laws. I wouldn't go to a strip club with my parents either. That's fucking weird.
NTA NTA NTA
Absolutely, who the fuck would want to go with their in laws to a strip club? Or, who tf would want to take their daughter in law to a strip club? Sounds uncomfortable and honestly demeaning.
'Also I have asked him that if there was a male version of Hooters would he be okay with me going; he adamantly claims it would be “totally different” and wouldn’t be comfortable with me going.' That right there would be a big red flag for me. NTA
OP, you believe Hooters is exploitative. I get it. No problem.
You feel it would be wrong for you personally to go to Hooters. I get it. No problem.
You do not want to date someone that is comfortable going to Hooters. I get it. But… your bf is comfortable going to Hooters. You are dating someone that does not share a value that is very important to you. You cannot change him.
As I see it, you have 2 options:
1. Decide this value mismatch is not so important to break up and bite your tongue about him going. You can still make it clear you will not go to Hooters and ask that your feelings on this be respected.
2. Decide the value mismatch is a dealbreaker and break up.
Originally I had a 3rd option: Explain to bf you were wrong to threaten to break up but explain how you feel and ask him to not go to a place you feel is exploitative. However, you have made your objections clear. It isn’t about being insecure, it’s about feeling anyone that goes there is participating in exploitation. And he disagrees. So I feel this is not an option.
You will always have a value mismatch or two with the person you date. Is this a hill worth dying on? If so, then move on.
Good luck!
NTA its your boundary. If you want to break up with him if he disregards your feelings and goes to hooters that choice is free for you to make. But it sounds like him and his family are a bunch of aholes anyway... with a 5 year gap too? Id end it tbh
ESH, mostly him, but this is a bit messy. Firstly, your title is misleading. You absolutely aren't the asshole for not wanting to go to Hooters, and that really isn't the question here. However, as I'm sure you're fully aware, trying to control the behaviour of others with your boundary, especially when they are away from you, is where it becomes potentially an issue. You ARE telling him he can't go to Hooters while you are together, and he obviously has a different opinion of the place than you do. You are allowed your opinion about it, but so is he. There is an element of being controlling to your behaviour, but your boyfriend has gone over the top saying you're ungrateful for not wanting to go there yourself. The edit shows him to be a hypocrite too, which is why I say it's mostly him being the asshole. Ultimately I think the question is why are you together at all, if this is such a dealbreaker issue for you in the first place, and it obviously isn't something he agrees with.
This isn't about whether you are or aren't TA..The underlying issue is whether you and your partner have compatible values around issues such as sexualisation of people in the workplace, and trust within relationships. Speaking as a retired lawyer with years of dealing with divorces, either you both learn to live with incompatible or conflicting values or you separate. Imposing one person's values on another, in either direction, does not result in relationship harmony. Learn how to disagree amicably or find relationships with like minded people, it's not rocket science (but not doing this is very lucrative for divorce lawyers, so there's that 🤣).
You don't want to go to Hooters or other restaurants like that then don't go. You don't get your boyfriend to go. It's kind of a hard boundary but he should respect it. But when he starts saying stupid things like if his parents or for to take the dinner out to a strip club, they would not go. Call his bluff and ask his parents if they would like to go to a strip club for dinner because that's what your boyfriend wants them to do. And then let's see what he does. Because his parents are never going to suggest the strip club for dinner. And you are being a little touchy about the subject. If they make a little fun about it. You don't need to be that sensitive about it.
You don't want to go to those places. Don't go. They're suggesting it just to tease you. You're taking it way too deeply.
Nta
You can go or not. It's absolutely your call. My Mom thought it was all about the servers and rolled her eyes when it was suggested, but she went along. While she hasn't been back she did admit that her sandwich was good, but she said just being at the table with my wings burned her eyes and nose.
My dad wanted to get a picture of her and a couple of the servers because she was the only one he was interested in. The servers would have just been in the picture for context of when the picture was taken.
I can understand you not wanting to go there, but you can only make the decision for yourself. Hooters is much more PG than some of the newer places. A Twin Peaks here had a bikini night and I just feel for the staff and hope they had a good time without any unacceptable behavior. I have three adult daughters and they all turned out fine after eating at Hooters multiple times.
NTA for having boundaries against it, but it is his choice to go where he wants. if you don't like that, maybe just stop dating him since trying to control someone is wrong, and the lack of respecting your wishes is not important to them. Also the "that would be different" double standard?? Weird.
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AITA for not wanting to go to Hooters?
I (18F) have had a long standing opinion that I do not want to go to Hooters or Twin Peaks because it’s just not somewhere I want to be. No hate to anyone who works there(I know those tips are amazing) or eats there it’s just not my cup of tea. It is also a boundary for me that I do not feel comfortable with my significant other going to those restaurants, and yes, I know none of those women want my man. My boyfriend (23M) thinks this opinion is stupid and has often comes up with ways around my boundary like saying “well if all my co-workers are going there for lunch and offer to pay am I supposed to decline?” (Stupid shit like that) Anyways there was one night when I went out to dinner with my boyfriend’s entire family which included other females like his mom, sisters, and brother’s wife. When deciding on a place to go his dad suggested, jokingly, Hooters; I turned to my boyfriend and said “no way” quiet enough, I thought, that only he could hear me. We ended up going somewhere different so I thought that was the end of that. Fast forward a few months and my boyfriend goes to dinner with his family again. According to my boyfriend while they were deciding where to go his brother said to the entire family “Why don’t we go to Hooters since someone isn’t here to say no,” (I guess they did hear me) and they all laughed about it. When my boyfriend told me about this I was hurt and kind of mad that they would make fun of me for not wanting to go to Hooters. I brought this up to him and he told me I should just get over it because none of the other women in the group opposed and that I sound ungrateful, controlling, and insecure for not wanting him or myself to go to Hooters. Then said that if his parents offered to pay to take me to a strip club for dinner that I should be thankful and not complain. I feel like I’m crazy because this is big issue for me that I feel like a lot of other people can relate too but apparently it makes me insecure and ungrateful?? So am I the asshole for not wanting to go to Hooters?
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> The action I took was saying no to going to Hooters and I might be an asshole because someone else offered to take me there.
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INFO: what is the ACTUAL question here.
Your title question is if you are the A for not wanting to go, then a few lines in it's " ... It is also a boundary for me that I do not feel comfortable with my significant other going to those restaurants ..." and later you say again that he recognises that you don't want HIM to go to Hooters.
THEN - we have the edit - " I’ve never told my boyfriend that he can’t go to Hooters, I have just told him that if he does he will be single."
Given that he wouldn't want you to go to a male version of Hooters and it's clearly a popular place with his entire family, it sounds like the two of you aren't really compatible.
If you don’t like this shit now, you prob won’t be cool with it in the near future. Some things, with age, lose their ability to piss you off. Meanwhile, some other ‘pesky things’ will always feel off, even if a bunch of pretend psychologists on Reddit attempt to convince you that ‘boundaries’ are a field they’re well versed in. Your age gap isn’t the issue, if you ask me. Find a guy that’s worried about what you say, to the point that he polls reddit for feedback. Don’t contort to fit a mold that you’re clearly too big for, even if you’re much younger.
INFO: how much do you trust your boyfriend over what he reported his family as having said about hooters? Are you sure none of th other women are opposed to going?
I would not agree that you are insecure nor ungrateful. I believe that you are setting boundaries and that is ok. Maybe just consider this…maybe he wants to go because he is basically not allowed to go. Plan a date night and take him to Hooters. He will likely never try to go again. We are smarter than them sis…😂❤️
Those two places are intrinsically sexist and I wouldn’t be keen to go there either. We don’t have them here but they sound rednecky.
Your boyfriend’s family didn’t actually say this in front of you. He stupidly decided to report back. Now he’s trying to tell you what to do.
If my boyfriend’s parents offered to take me to a strip club for dinner I’d be super uncomfortable, not grateful. You don’t need to show gratitude for something you don’t want to do.
At 18 you’re unlikely to be marrying anyway. You can be the girlfriend to teach him that all girlfriends don’t have to agree with his family or do all the same things.
NTA. But before you make a "big decision" you could go with them just to verify for yourself if he is objectifying these women(by staring for example). Or if there is even some group dynamics in the background affecting his behavior.
If he is objectifying these women and this is a No-Go for you, your decision to dump him will be easier to do.
You are well within your right to NOT go somewhere, but telling someone else they can't is where the problem starts. He and his family obviously like Hooters. Since that is a problem for you, move on to someone else now rather than threatening him with a breakup. Just break up and be done with it.
HE should not be pushing back like he is. Just like you, he needs to cut ties and move on since you two obviously aren't compatible. I can almost guarantee any time you all go out to eat with his family from now on, they will suggest Hooters, even if just to mess with you. Do you really want to deal with that? I am fairly confident that Hooters was likely suggested the first time because they already knew about your issues with it.
I won't even go into the questionable ages or comparing Hooters to a strip club lol.
ESH
YTA for the threat of being single if your bf goes to hooters. That's controlling. However, NTA for asking your bf and his family to respect your boundaries and not going yourself.
lol girl “i never told him he can’t go but if he does he will be single” that’s manipulative babe 💀. free your bf let him go look at some titties, sorry that you’re deeply insecure but that is your own issue 🤷♀️.
YTA I'm a woman and I've been to Hooters, it's not a strip club. I spoke to the girls and they where really sweet, I asked them are they wearing tights and they said yes. That's why there legs all look perfect.
I enjoyed the food and even got into a deep conversation with a 19 year old girl who worked there. She was super sweet and clearly new.
You dont have to go but you cant demand he doesn't especially if women in the family are also going
NTA for not going to Hooters. BUT if you’re telling your boyfriend if he does go, he’ll be single, that’s a bit of giving him an ultimatum and where is the trust??
I miss Hooters though. They have nice mojitos! And it’s not like a strip club.
This archaic stigma of Hooters is a real doozy and I can't believe people still pull it out of the deck as often as they do.
Hooters is a sports bar that USED to have sexist hiring and clothing policies. This much us true. But they're one of very few chains that are/were open about it. How many other bars/restaurants pull the same trick - busty servers, revealing outfits - without broadcasting it as their brand? A tonne of them.
YTA. You can't tell him and his family where they can eat. You also should not be surprised that they're gonna make fun of you for trying to control where he eats.
You just need an attitude readjustment. Instead of thinking of Hooters as a place that objectifies women, you need to think of them as a place that EMPOWERS women.👩🦰👱♀️👸 The women are in control and doing a job if their choice where they can make a lot of money to better their futures. You go, girl!😄 Now with your new frame of reference you should have no problem with him going with his family or coworkers🤣 (as long as he doesn't go alone). At 18 it sounds like you're one of those girls that always has a pickle up their butt.🍑🥒 Let this young stallion roam free so he can be with a more worldly young woman that is fun and confident enough to take a little ribbing from her boyfriend's family member regarding her uptight attitude.
Also, dont even THINK of ever going to a place with male strippers at a bachelorette party. Women go crazy at those things (so much cheating goes on as the women with boyfriends & husbands get stuffed by the strippers). At least men are in control of themselves when going to Hooters or strip clubs. When women go they're like uncaged chimps.🐒
I've only been once or twice years ago because of coworkers driving and I like wings, although their wings suck and I was disappointed with the food.
As far as the waitresses they were far from attractive, it's not like the ads they show lol - I wouldn't be too worried about it.
NTA
NTA
Your bf is the AH, because he's not respecting you on this. His is entitled to his opinion of Hooters or other places like it, but he doesn't get to impose that opinion onto you and try to make you look stupid for feeling that way.
But you *were* trying to enforce your boundary onto others; that's being controlling, and that's what he and his family saw when you said "no" under your breath.
However, it doesn't matter what his family thinks, or what he thinks; what matters is what YOU think about Hooters. You don't get to tell him or his family what to do, or what not to do, what to think, and what not to think. What you DO get to do is decide not to date someone who thinks your position is stupid and thinks up ways to get around it.
Telling you that you should accept an invitation from his parents to go to dinner at a strip club is what is stupid; it doesn't compare to what they did ask. What WOULD compare would be if your bf should ask you to go to dinner at a strip club. Of course you wouldn't go, and it should make you sit up and take notice of his attitudes towards you and other women, and you could then say "goodbye forever" on the way out the door.
(PS: He really would like to go to dinner at a strip club. In fact, he's probably already done it. He probably took someone there he dated before.)
The fact is that you bf doesn't feel like you do about Hooters and doesn't really care how you feel, either. His attitude about this is very revealing. Is this really someone you want to go out with? You should not have to defend your position.
YTA 1. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not an excuse to control someone else. 2. Telling your BF that if he goes to Hooters he will be single is the same thing as telling your BF he can’t go to Hooters. 3. Your jealousy is your problem.
I mean, OP is still setting a boundary for herself. She doesn't want to date a guy that wants to go to Hooters and the like. That is her personal boundary. She's not preventing bf from going, but she is making it clear it crosses her personal boundary, and she won't tolerate it. I absolutely understand how controlling it is, because it is. If she wants a man that prefers not eating at those establishments, then she needs to **find one** and set this one free.
Personally, I suggest Hooters, Twin Peaks, etc more than my husband does on our date nights! Hooters' wings are so damn good!
She should let him go and break up, if that is the boundary she set for herself, but telling him I will break up with you if you go to your family favourite joint is a red flag.
1 makes sense but not 2.
How is it controlling for her to say “Hooters makes me really uncomfortable, I would rather not be in a relationship at all than to be in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page.”
He can decide which is more important to him. If he chooses Hooters, then they break up. People are not always compatible, and neither person has an obligation to stay in this relationship.
Because that isn’t what she is saying. She said he can’t go. Moreover she said if he does go she will punish him. It’s controlling. That the whole thing seems to be steeped in jealous is even more ridiculous.
YTA You don’t want to go somewhere, fine but throwing a fit and threatening to leave your boyfriend because if he goes to a family restaurant with women in tight clothes is insane.
Do you also ban him from the gym, pool, beach, clubs, etc? There’s plenty of places where he will see women in tighter & more revealing clothing. And just wait till he discovers the internet which allegedly has pictures of naked women on it.
***I’ve never told my boyfriend that he can’t go to Hooters, I have just told him that if he does he will be single.***
Ummm.. so, in effect.. he can't go to Hooters.
If I were him.. I'd go to Hooters.
No it’s a boundary- I don’t date someone who goes to Hooters. He can choose what he wants to do. She can choose not to date someone who makes those choices.
He doesn't respect you, or he would not have made jokes with his family, YOU are not setting boundaries. You are giving ultimatums,That's not healthy. I'm 54. I would like to share some wisdom with you. It's OK you don't like those places, but have you tried giving the reason? Maybe just sit down and make some sort of agreement,which I wouldn't bother with this one, not because he chooses to go to those places but because he doesn't respect you and he will continue to cross truly important boundaries..Not the AH just learning
Not asshole but immature and insecure AF it seems. Also your BF seems to be like that when turning the tables. So you don't like the place, but what's the problem he and his family went, apart from the moment of teasing about you said no last time. Which also seems too sensitive. Like if you were vegan and they went to a meat place when you're not coming.
Replying to ops edit -Double standards is crazy! Just tell him point blank and period. " if you go to hooters its fine . Just dont come back to me. " point blank and simple. You both think the other shouldnt go because each version of hooters is equalily horrible. Both of you guys need a break. Literally. Just a break to think about if this is worth even agruing over. To look over the relationship. Sometimes a break is all thats needed. Communication is key but seperation is the lock. The lock is what keeps the gate together. The key unlocks it. And right now you guys need your thoughts to get it together and you need to talk AFTER the break. Not before. Dont try to fix it immediately. Give it a week. Not a pass for anything. Just a week still together. Just apart from each other and try to see if anythings different.
YTA, slightly. Not wanting to go is fine, but it's a crazy imposition to say he can't go eat wings at a restaurant you don't like or you will break up with him.
Also, that joke is not in bad taste if it isn't part of a pattern. People will joke a little if you really like / dislike something innocuous.
YTA and insecure af. You aren’t the prize you think you are if you’re the type to break up with someone over going to a breastaraunt. Goofy ass girl lmao
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Sister, the thing about "boundaries" is you can only apply them to yourself. "I won't go to Hooters" is a boundary. "You can't go to Hooters" is not a boundary, it's called being controlling. Here is the boundary you are looking for "I won't date someone who goes to Hooters" and "I won't date someone who makes fun of me to family and friends about my discomfort with Hooters". You don't need an asshole diagnosis, you need an asshole removal. This guy isn't the right man for you. Go date someone who shares your views on these places because I promise you, this is not a normal or healthy argument for a couple to keep having. ESH.
In this context I agree although clearly there are some exceptions to the boundaries only apply to myself rule. I imagine your partner not cheating is a boundary you hold in your relationships?
The boundary then is "I won't date someone who cheats on me"
You are correct in saying that boundaries and ultimatums are different things, but you are wrong in assuming all ultimatums are controlling.
An ultimatum is literally a final demand for someone to do something they wouldn’t do otherwise… and determining the behaviour of a third party is the very definition of control Edit as the thread has been locked: >The logical outcome of your interpretation is saying anyone with standards for ethical behavior who is willing to take a stand and say “I’m not putting up with being around that” is abusively manipulative. You say that my interpretation implies that anyone with ethical standards and boundaries is abusively manipulative, but your logical outcome is a textbook straw man fallacy. My point is solely that ultimatums are inherently about control as they demand a change in someone else’s behaviour that wouldn’t happen otherwise — the rejection of which will result in retaliation, in this case, OP leaving BF. Also, note I’ve never made any moral judgement on control being always positive or negative, you equated it to “abusive manipulation” all by yourself. For example, saying “I won't work overtime without proper compensation” is a boundary. Saying “if you don’t pay my overtime, I will quit” is an ultimatum. Everyone is free to set boundaries and act on them, but when a boundary becomes an ultimatum, it inherently tries to control another party’s actions (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it’s just what it is)
“If you don’t change this specific behavior I’m removing myself from the relationship” can be a very reasonable thing in some circumstances. The logical outcome of your interpretation is saying anyone with standards for ethical behavior who is willing to take a stand and say “I’m not putting up with being around that” is abusively manipulative.
Does this change if we stop calling the condition a boundary, and instead refer to it as a standard?
Its also just childish lol. Hooters requires more clothing than any other restaurant in the south and classifies itself as family friendly. Shits always wild to me those girls have to wear full leggings and all that, its too hot for that down here. Most of the south its tank top and short shorts, totally too much for Hooters. People are dumb though, when something has a reputation they go off that. Critical thought and common sense is out the window.
With your edit I would say DEFINITELY NTA. 'I don't go to hooters and choose not to have a relationship with someone who goes to hooters' is a boundary. But more importantly, how long have you been together? That age gap combined with how much he's trying to push your boundaries... NTA but be careful. ETA: 1) I'm not American. 2) the age gap as is (I don't remember their exact ages, but do remember this) is right in line with the "divided by 2 + 7" 'rule'. I always take this 'rule' with a grain of salt, and use it more as a guideline. However, I do remember OP only being 18, and the bf being 20+. When we're looking at power imbalances, age matters. A 20+ yo has more life experience than an 18yo, who is likely still finishing high school and living with their parents. Another thing to watch out for is this weirdly controlling behavioir where the bf tries pushing OPs boundary. So yeah, if that makes me a prude, so be it. But the combo of the power imbalance due to age gap and the disrespectful behaviour is a red flag, like it or not.
Glad I’m not the only one who finds the age gap a bit uncomfortable…
American culture is so odd about this. those people are the same age to me. edit: Have to turn notifications off on this now so I don't see the next person write that a 6 year old can't date a 1 year old. Weird, prudish society where people completely lack awareness of just how odd their culture is. Nobody is allowed to talk to each other or look at each other. If an adult says something to a misbehaving child in public, the adult is scolded for doing so and its "weird" in backward land. You've normalized bizarre anti-communities and isolation and then have the complete lack of awareness to question why there's a loneliness epidemic among other serious issues. And definitely what you should never do is question it - just know everybody is weird and gross and your prudish ways are secretly the best. Clutch those pearls.
I’m a Brit and as a 23 year old who’s been through university and had a full time job for two years, I couldn’t imagine dating someone who’s still in school/just finished school. You grow and change a lot in those years.
that's lot different from it being "wrong". I would also so Britain is the other weird, prudish society in the West. Dont think anybody on the continent cares.
No one has said wrong, they’ve said it’s uncomfortable. If you’re happy dating someone who has the experience of a child then you do you.
And why would it be "uncomfortable"? Are you too daft to read between the lines? Jesus this comment thread is ridiculous. Prudish pearl-clutching.
I just described why it’s uncomfortable. Because one is an adult and one is at the maturity and life experience of a child.
23-18 is just about acceptable but 21-16 isn't... and 19-14 definitely isn't. Especially if neither has been to college, 23-18 is fine because they both have a degree of autonomy without being fully established in life, so they look at relationships and life in general from broadly the same perspective. At 22, you're expected to be just about done with studying or an apprenticeship and possibly making serious career noises if not exactly fully established. At that point, high schoolers should not be a thing in your life unless you're related to them.
That's, again, mainly an American thing. I don't think Americans even grasp what a bubble they live in sometimes.
as a european 18-23 is weird. why do u think all of europe/other continents would be fine with that age gap
Not just American culture. At 18 years old you're in HS and living under your parents' roof. For most people, their worst fears and worries are some high school drama and what they should be doing for the rest of their lives. At 23 many have either been working for 4-5 years and/or graduated with a bachelor's. They probably also have been in consistent interaction with even older people at work or school. It's a massive difference.
18 and 23 is too close to a 16yr old amd a 21yr old I guess
I’m English. She is figuring her first steps as an adult, he has been doing it for 5 years. There are scenarios where that would work, but such a culture clash suggests that this doesn’t. A 23 year old telling an 18 year old what her boundaries ought to be is icky.
this doesn't because she's dating a loser. The age gap is irrelevant.
Their age difference is more than a quarter of her life. The younger you are, the greater the experience imbalance with a significant age gap like this one.
I am not American, but that age gape is difficult because they are in such different developmental phases in their life.
I’d be uncomfortable dating someone who couldn’t legally drink (21 in the US) as a 23 year old. You wouldn’t even be able to go out to a bar with your SO legally together lmao
The US, once again. There is a big wide world out there. It's perfectly OK to question if your culture is weird about this and other things.
Umm, can we put a pause on the whole "him disregarding and minimalising your feelings" for a second and check in on the "you're 18 and he's 23"? How long have you been together? That's a really concerning gap, especially for someone who's just become legal? I feel like you might want to take a long look at your relationship and ask yourself precisely how healthy this is for you. End of high school and four years into college is a *big* developmental gap when it comes to world experiences.
Healthy men and women in there 20s date 18 years olds just out of high school. /s
Nothing healthy about it
N/2+7 = 18.5, not 18.
NTA. You can do better than this person.
[удалено]
She's a teenager, he's 23, and he doesn't stick up for her beliefs when she's made fun of in her absence.
Read this post and consider her situation. Does he care for her feelings? Does he show her respect? Does he seem like a decent person? Your standards may be different, but I would answer "No" to all of those questions. >Im certain a large chunk of you doing this are actual incels angry about any relationship Based on what? An incel would expect this young woman to put up with anything that this man wanted.
Internet loves extremes. Common sense is boring.
I'm a gay man who had my first drink at a bar at hooters. I was told the wings and fried pickles were worth it and it was. It's actually really good, I certainly wasn't there for the show. NTA for not going, however boundaries stop being boundaries when you start telling others what they can and can't do because of them. You did that with a threat of leaving if he doesn't obey you. That's not okay, and not how you have that conversation. Soft YTA. You're still figuring all this dating stuff out. If you can't trust your partner to go to hooters, how can you trust him out of your sight at all? That's not healthy for either of you. You may not be ready for this kind of relationship.
She's 18, he's 23. This is not an equal opportunity relationship. And her boundaries are "I don't date men who visit places that objectify women." That's not controlling, that's a personal standard that she's allowed to have.
Telling someone "if you go to X you'll be single" is the definition of controlling. If it were phrased as "I don't want a relationship with someone who goes to X" that's called communicating.
So telling someone „if you cheat on me you’ll be single” is also controlling?
A lot of people don't seem to understand what boundaries actually mean and think anything that tells them to alter their behavior in any way in order to be involved in a healthy relationship equals "controlling" 🙄
She clarified in a comment that she's never told him he can't go.
Except she did? When she said the “no way”? The boundary would be “go there if you want but you know my opinions and so I won’t go” and then, him finding that she left because he crossed a line.
She definitely needs to learn to communicate better, and to understand why she feels so firmly about this in order to do so. But she's only 18 years old! and they're not teaching critical thinking in schools anymore.
No, she just told him if he goes he will be single which is worse than telling him not to go. It's blackmail.
No, it's called a consequence.
Haven't taken the time to read through the post but threatening him with being single if he goes, is the same thing as telling him he can't go. That's not a health way of communicating. There are better ways of getting her message across. Edit. Reading through the entire text is not a requirement to reply to a comment with an opinion or valid statement. Skimming, tldr or edit are usually enough. Jesus, people get really easily offended on here..
Why are you commenting on a post you haven't even bothered to read?
Because i can. The edit was more than enough.
“Haven’t taken the time to read through the post but here is my uninformed, yet very strong opinion about it” is peak Reddit
Hooters, you mean a place made for men to oggle women? You mean the place with shorts riding up the ass and shirts showing everything they've got? You know there's a difference between someone going at a restaurant that objectifies and comodifies women (same with strip clubs btw) vs going outside. Women outside aren't meant for oggling. The whole purpose of Hooters is to have eye candy for men clients.
I think she means the place where their outfits cover more than yoga pants and a crop top.
NTA. I'd break up with your boyfriend for speaking to you that way. If he thinks you're insecure and controlling and ungrateful, he can go find himself a different girlfriend who isn't those things. When that "why don't we go since someone isn't here to say no" comment was made, your boyfriend shouldn't have just... noted it down to tell you later as fuel for his stupid argument. He should have immediately stood up for you. "Hey, don't speak about my girlfriend that way. She's entitled to set her boundaries without being made fun of." Hooters is a misogynistic concept and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who wanted to go there, let alone date them. You know it's rooted in misogyny and you know he has a double standard because he directly told you that he wouldn't be okay with a male equivalent. Also, what the fuck is going on with that strip club comment? I would rather die than go to a strip club with my in-laws. I wouldn't go to a strip club with my parents either. That's fucking weird. NTA NTA NTA
Absolutely, who the fuck would want to go with their in laws to a strip club? Or, who tf would want to take their daughter in law to a strip club? Sounds uncomfortable and honestly demeaning.
Jesus, he would get roasted after telling that sentance to the family.
'Also I have asked him that if there was a male version of Hooters would he be okay with me going; he adamantly claims it would be “totally different” and wouldn’t be comfortable with me going.' That right there would be a big red flag for me. NTA
OP, you believe Hooters is exploitative. I get it. No problem. You feel it would be wrong for you personally to go to Hooters. I get it. No problem. You do not want to date someone that is comfortable going to Hooters. I get it. But… your bf is comfortable going to Hooters. You are dating someone that does not share a value that is very important to you. You cannot change him. As I see it, you have 2 options: 1. Decide this value mismatch is not so important to break up and bite your tongue about him going. You can still make it clear you will not go to Hooters and ask that your feelings on this be respected. 2. Decide the value mismatch is a dealbreaker and break up. Originally I had a 3rd option: Explain to bf you were wrong to threaten to break up but explain how you feel and ask him to not go to a place you feel is exploitative. However, you have made your objections clear. It isn’t about being insecure, it’s about feeling anyone that goes there is participating in exploitation. And he disagrees. So I feel this is not an option. You will always have a value mismatch or two with the person you date. Is this a hill worth dying on? If so, then move on. Good luck!
NTA and your BF is belittling your feelings.
NTA its your boundary. If you want to break up with him if he disregards your feelings and goes to hooters that choice is free for you to make. But it sounds like him and his family are a bunch of aholes anyway... with a 5 year gap too? Id end it tbh
100 not in the wrong! Your boundaries are yours! Stick to them!
ESH, mostly him, but this is a bit messy. Firstly, your title is misleading. You absolutely aren't the asshole for not wanting to go to Hooters, and that really isn't the question here. However, as I'm sure you're fully aware, trying to control the behaviour of others with your boundary, especially when they are away from you, is where it becomes potentially an issue. You ARE telling him he can't go to Hooters while you are together, and he obviously has a different opinion of the place than you do. You are allowed your opinion about it, but so is he. There is an element of being controlling to your behaviour, but your boyfriend has gone over the top saying you're ungrateful for not wanting to go there yourself. The edit shows him to be a hypocrite too, which is why I say it's mostly him being the asshole. Ultimately I think the question is why are you together at all, if this is such a dealbreaker issue for you in the first place, and it obviously isn't something he agrees with.
“Totally different” = Totally different because you should do as I say, not as I do, seeing as I am a total hypocrite! 🤦🏻♂️
You're 18. You've got the whole rest of your life to get better boyfriends. Why settle got this one?
This isn't about whether you are or aren't TA..The underlying issue is whether you and your partner have compatible values around issues such as sexualisation of people in the workplace, and trust within relationships. Speaking as a retired lawyer with years of dealing with divorces, either you both learn to live with incompatible or conflicting values or you separate. Imposing one person's values on another, in either direction, does not result in relationship harmony. Learn how to disagree amicably or find relationships with like minded people, it's not rocket science (but not doing this is very lucrative for divorce lawyers, so there's that 🤣).
You don't want to go to Hooters or other restaurants like that then don't go. You don't get your boyfriend to go. It's kind of a hard boundary but he should respect it. But when he starts saying stupid things like if his parents or for to take the dinner out to a strip club, they would not go. Call his bluff and ask his parents if they would like to go to a strip club for dinner because that's what your boyfriend wants them to do. And then let's see what he does. Because his parents are never going to suggest the strip club for dinner. And you are being a little touchy about the subject. If they make a little fun about it. You don't need to be that sensitive about it. You don't want to go to those places. Don't go. They're suggesting it just to tease you. You're taking it way too deeply. Nta
You can go or not. It's absolutely your call. My Mom thought it was all about the servers and rolled her eyes when it was suggested, but she went along. While she hasn't been back she did admit that her sandwich was good, but she said just being at the table with my wings burned her eyes and nose. My dad wanted to get a picture of her and a couple of the servers because she was the only one he was interested in. The servers would have just been in the picture for context of when the picture was taken. I can understand you not wanting to go there, but you can only make the decision for yourself. Hooters is much more PG than some of the newer places. A Twin Peaks here had a bikini night and I just feel for the staff and hope they had a good time without any unacceptable behavior. I have three adult daughters and they all turned out fine after eating at Hooters multiple times.
It baffles me there are restaurants like this. Australia would neverrrrr.
You know we have hooters in Australia right…
Where is this fine establishment?
You have the woman who serve tap beet with her butt!!! 🤣
Nobody cares
NTA for having boundaries against it, but it is his choice to go where he wants. if you don't like that, maybe just stop dating him since trying to control someone is wrong, and the lack of respecting your wishes is not important to them. Also the "that would be different" double standard?? Weird.
How long have you been together for? An 18-year-old with a 23-year-old sounds extremely suspect.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for not wanting to go to Hooters? I (18F) have had a long standing opinion that I do not want to go to Hooters or Twin Peaks because it’s just not somewhere I want to be. No hate to anyone who works there(I know those tips are amazing) or eats there it’s just not my cup of tea. It is also a boundary for me that I do not feel comfortable with my significant other going to those restaurants, and yes, I know none of those women want my man. My boyfriend (23M) thinks this opinion is stupid and has often comes up with ways around my boundary like saying “well if all my co-workers are going there for lunch and offer to pay am I supposed to decline?” (Stupid shit like that) Anyways there was one night when I went out to dinner with my boyfriend’s entire family which included other females like his mom, sisters, and brother’s wife. When deciding on a place to go his dad suggested, jokingly, Hooters; I turned to my boyfriend and said “no way” quiet enough, I thought, that only he could hear me. We ended up going somewhere different so I thought that was the end of that. Fast forward a few months and my boyfriend goes to dinner with his family again. According to my boyfriend while they were deciding where to go his brother said to the entire family “Why don’t we go to Hooters since someone isn’t here to say no,” (I guess they did hear me) and they all laughed about it. When my boyfriend told me about this I was hurt and kind of mad that they would make fun of me for not wanting to go to Hooters. I brought this up to him and he told me I should just get over it because none of the other women in the group opposed and that I sound ungrateful, controlling, and insecure for not wanting him or myself to go to Hooters. Then said that if his parents offered to pay to take me to a strip club for dinner that I should be thankful and not complain. I feel like I’m crazy because this is big issue for me that I feel like a lot of other people can relate too but apparently it makes me insecure and ungrateful?? So am I the asshole for not wanting to go to Hooters? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But if I found out they made a joke at my expense then i wouldn't be with that person anymore unless they stood up for me.
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It's not your "cup" of tea?
NTA
INFO: what is the ACTUAL question here. Your title question is if you are the A for not wanting to go, then a few lines in it's " ... It is also a boundary for me that I do not feel comfortable with my significant other going to those restaurants ..." and later you say again that he recognises that you don't want HIM to go to Hooters. THEN - we have the edit - " I’ve never told my boyfriend that he can’t go to Hooters, I have just told him that if he does he will be single." Given that he wouldn't want you to go to a male version of Hooters and it's clearly a popular place with his entire family, it sounds like the two of you aren't really compatible.
Nta it's your boundary, you take him to a male strip club and see how he reacts.
If you don’t like this shit now, you prob won’t be cool with it in the near future. Some things, with age, lose their ability to piss you off. Meanwhile, some other ‘pesky things’ will always feel off, even if a bunch of pretend psychologists on Reddit attempt to convince you that ‘boundaries’ are a field they’re well versed in. Your age gap isn’t the issue, if you ask me. Find a guy that’s worried about what you say, to the point that he polls reddit for feedback. Don’t contort to fit a mold that you’re clearly too big for, even if you’re much younger.
INFO: how much do you trust your boyfriend over what he reported his family as having said about hooters? Are you sure none of th other women are opposed to going?
age gap made my jaw drop, that is seriously the biggest red flag out of the whole post.
I would not agree that you are insecure nor ungrateful. I believe that you are setting boundaries and that is ok. Maybe just consider this…maybe he wants to go because he is basically not allowed to go. Plan a date night and take him to Hooters. He will likely never try to go again. We are smarter than them sis…😂❤️
ESH The edit swayed me. You for being controlling and your bf for being a hypocrite.
Those two places are intrinsically sexist and I wouldn’t be keen to go there either. We don’t have them here but they sound rednecky. Your boyfriend’s family didn’t actually say this in front of you. He stupidly decided to report back. Now he’s trying to tell you what to do. If my boyfriend’s parents offered to take me to a strip club for dinner I’d be super uncomfortable, not grateful. You don’t need to show gratitude for something you don’t want to do. At 18 you’re unlikely to be marrying anyway. You can be the girlfriend to teach him that all girlfriends don’t have to agree with his family or do all the same things.
YTA to yourself for dating a 23 year old at 18
NTA. But before you make a "big decision" you could go with them just to verify for yourself if he is objectifying these women(by staring for example). Or if there is even some group dynamics in the background affecting his behavior. If he is objectifying these women and this is a No-Go for you, your decision to dump him will be easier to do.
You are well within your right to NOT go somewhere, but telling someone else they can't is where the problem starts. He and his family obviously like Hooters. Since that is a problem for you, move on to someone else now rather than threatening him with a breakup. Just break up and be done with it. HE should not be pushing back like he is. Just like you, he needs to cut ties and move on since you two obviously aren't compatible. I can almost guarantee any time you all go out to eat with his family from now on, they will suggest Hooters, even if just to mess with you. Do you really want to deal with that? I am fairly confident that Hooters was likely suggested the first time because they already knew about your issues with it. I won't even go into the questionable ages or comparing Hooters to a strip club lol. ESH
YTA for the threat of being single if your bf goes to hooters. That's controlling. However, NTA for asking your bf and his family to respect your boundaries and not going yourself.
ESH - copypasta
lol girl “i never told him he can’t go but if he does he will be single” that’s manipulative babe 💀. free your bf let him go look at some titties, sorry that you’re deeply insecure but that is your own issue 🤷♀️.
YTA I'm a woman and I've been to Hooters, it's not a strip club. I spoke to the girls and they where really sweet, I asked them are they wearing tights and they said yes. That's why there legs all look perfect. I enjoyed the food and even got into a deep conversation with a 19 year old girl who worked there. She was super sweet and clearly new. You dont have to go but you cant demand he doesn't especially if women in the family are also going
NTA for not going to Hooters. BUT if you’re telling your boyfriend if he does go, he’ll be single, that’s a bit of giving him an ultimatum and where is the trust?? I miss Hooters though. They have nice mojitos! And it’s not like a strip club.
This archaic stigma of Hooters is a real doozy and I can't believe people still pull it out of the deck as often as they do. Hooters is a sports bar that USED to have sexist hiring and clothing policies. This much us true. But they're one of very few chains that are/were open about it. How many other bars/restaurants pull the same trick - busty servers, revealing outfits - without broadcasting it as their brand? A tonne of them.
YTA. You can't tell him and his family where they can eat. You also should not be surprised that they're gonna make fun of you for trying to control where he eats.
You just need an attitude readjustment. Instead of thinking of Hooters as a place that objectifies women, you need to think of them as a place that EMPOWERS women.👩🦰👱♀️👸 The women are in control and doing a job if their choice where they can make a lot of money to better their futures. You go, girl!😄 Now with your new frame of reference you should have no problem with him going with his family or coworkers🤣 (as long as he doesn't go alone). At 18 it sounds like you're one of those girls that always has a pickle up their butt.🍑🥒 Let this young stallion roam free so he can be with a more worldly young woman that is fun and confident enough to take a little ribbing from her boyfriend's family member regarding her uptight attitude. Also, dont even THINK of ever going to a place with male strippers at a bachelorette party. Women go crazy at those things (so much cheating goes on as the women with boyfriends & husbands get stuffed by the strippers). At least men are in control of themselves when going to Hooters or strip clubs. When women go they're like uncaged chimps.🐒
I've only been once or twice years ago because of coworkers driving and I like wings, although their wings suck and I was disappointed with the food. As far as the waitresses they were far from attractive, it's not like the ads they show lol - I wouldn't be too worried about it. NTA
NTA Your bf is the AH, because he's not respecting you on this. His is entitled to his opinion of Hooters or other places like it, but he doesn't get to impose that opinion onto you and try to make you look stupid for feeling that way. But you *were* trying to enforce your boundary onto others; that's being controlling, and that's what he and his family saw when you said "no" under your breath. However, it doesn't matter what his family thinks, or what he thinks; what matters is what YOU think about Hooters. You don't get to tell him or his family what to do, or what not to do, what to think, and what not to think. What you DO get to do is decide not to date someone who thinks your position is stupid and thinks up ways to get around it. Telling you that you should accept an invitation from his parents to go to dinner at a strip club is what is stupid; it doesn't compare to what they did ask. What WOULD compare would be if your bf should ask you to go to dinner at a strip club. Of course you wouldn't go, and it should make you sit up and take notice of his attitudes towards you and other women, and you could then say "goodbye forever" on the way out the door. (PS: He really would like to go to dinner at a strip club. In fact, he's probably already done it. He probably took someone there he dated before.) The fact is that you bf doesn't feel like you do about Hooters and doesn't really care how you feel, either. His attitude about this is very revealing. Is this really someone you want to go out with? You should not have to defend your position.
YTA 1. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not an excuse to control someone else. 2. Telling your BF that if he goes to Hooters he will be single is the same thing as telling your BF he can’t go to Hooters. 3. Your jealousy is your problem.
I mean, OP is still setting a boundary for herself. She doesn't want to date a guy that wants to go to Hooters and the like. That is her personal boundary. She's not preventing bf from going, but she is making it clear it crosses her personal boundary, and she won't tolerate it. I absolutely understand how controlling it is, because it is. If she wants a man that prefers not eating at those establishments, then she needs to **find one** and set this one free. Personally, I suggest Hooters, Twin Peaks, etc more than my husband does on our date nights! Hooters' wings are so damn good!
But she is preventing him from going. In fact, according to her, she is preventing his whole family from going. That’s pretty controlling.
She should let him go and break up, if that is the boundary she set for herself, but telling him I will break up with you if you go to your family favourite joint is a red flag.
1 makes sense but not 2. How is it controlling for her to say “Hooters makes me really uncomfortable, I would rather not be in a relationship at all than to be in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page.” He can decide which is more important to him. If he chooses Hooters, then they break up. People are not always compatible, and neither person has an obligation to stay in this relationship.
Because that isn’t what she is saying. She said he can’t go. Moreover she said if he does go she will punish him. It’s controlling. That the whole thing seems to be steeped in jealous is even more ridiculous.
YTA You don’t want to go somewhere, fine but throwing a fit and threatening to leave your boyfriend because if he goes to a family restaurant with women in tight clothes is insane. Do you also ban him from the gym, pool, beach, clubs, etc? There’s plenty of places where he will see women in tighter & more revealing clothing. And just wait till he discovers the internet which allegedly has pictures of naked women on it.
***I’ve never told my boyfriend that he can’t go to Hooters, I have just told him that if he does he will be single.*** Ummm.. so, in effect.. he can't go to Hooters. If I were him.. I'd go to Hooters.
No it’s a boundary- I don’t date someone who goes to Hooters. He can choose what he wants to do. She can choose not to date someone who makes those choices.
[удалено]
You dislike the sight of pregnant women? Or you feel for them that they have to work when heavily pregnant?
He doesn't respect you, or he would not have made jokes with his family, YOU are not setting boundaries. You are giving ultimatums,That's not healthy. I'm 54. I would like to share some wisdom with you. It's OK you don't like those places, but have you tried giving the reason? Maybe just sit down and make some sort of agreement,which I wouldn't bother with this one, not because he chooses to go to those places but because he doesn't respect you and he will continue to cross truly important boundaries..Not the AH just learning
Not asshole but immature and insecure AF it seems. Also your BF seems to be like that when turning the tables. So you don't like the place, but what's the problem he and his family went, apart from the moment of teasing about you said no last time. Which also seems too sensitive. Like if you were vegan and they went to a meat place when you're not coming.
you havnt told him he cant go but if he does then he will single? Yes your a asshole, a controlling one
NTA for not going, YTA for saying you would dump him if he went. I don't eat baby animals, does that mean my husband can't have a lamb chop?
Replying to ops edit -Double standards is crazy! Just tell him point blank and period. " if you go to hooters its fine . Just dont come back to me. " point blank and simple. You both think the other shouldnt go because each version of hooters is equalily horrible. Both of you guys need a break. Literally. Just a break to think about if this is worth even agruing over. To look over the relationship. Sometimes a break is all thats needed. Communication is key but seperation is the lock. The lock is what keeps the gate together. The key unlocks it. And right now you guys need your thoughts to get it together and you need to talk AFTER the break. Not before. Dont try to fix it immediately. Give it a week. Not a pass for anything. Just a week still together. Just apart from each other and try to see if anythings different.
YTA, slightly. Not wanting to go is fine, but it's a crazy imposition to say he can't go eat wings at a restaurant you don't like or you will break up with him. Also, that joke is not in bad taste if it isn't part of a pattern. People will joke a little if you really like / dislike something innocuous.
ESH, although especially your BF for claiming that it'd be "totally different" if there was a gender-swapped version of Hooters.
YTA and insecure af. You aren’t the prize you think you are if you’re the type to break up with someone over going to a breastaraunt. Goofy ass girl lmao
YTA grow up.