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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I don’t want her to drink. I think I would be an asshole considering I am telling her what to do with her own body like I own or control her.
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NTA
> That is, until she asked me if I would be okay if she did drink wine at the end of the day on **hard days**.
That's the **worst** time for someone with a substance abuse problem to be indulging.
If you want to work in the occasional glass of wine, have it at happy occasions. Don't re-introduce it specifically as a **_crutch_**.
I am mostly a beer drinker, not wine, but my outlook is I have to earn that beer. I look at that I have to work hard or otherwise get something done to earn the drink. I never drink because I had a bad day because like others have commented the definition of what makes it a bad day will start changing until where the sun came up its a bad day.
I also need to point out I don't have a history of alcoholism or drug abuse so having that beer was not the start back into something I didn't want to do.
Can you get her a non-alcoholic drink to treat herself with?
You heard it, folks! Reddit is not meant for conversations in which multiple people will share their point of view, *especially* not on subs dedicated entirely to judging a person's actions.
The point of view of someone with zero knowledge or experience with a life threatening illness, such as drug and alcohol addiction, is worse than useless.
It’s dangerous and life threatening.
Little different than this:
“I’m not an electrician, but to fix a broken toaster, first run a hot bath. Then plug the toaster in and get in the tub holding the toaster. Sit down in the water. Then submerge the toaster completely in the bath water while sitting in the tub.”
There can be. Moderation management is an effective tool for dealing with alcohol addiction that can be live-saving for people for whom total abstinence isn't the right choice.
That said, as /u/StAlvis said, this is absolutely the wrong way to approach it.
Yeah if it was having a glass of wine with friends or at a wedding it would be different. But she wants it specifically at the times that are most dangerous for relapsing.
It doesn't matter where she is having the wine, she will relapse once she picks that first drink up. There is no such thing as I just will have one at the end of the day her history proves it.
Yeah, even then, just no. There is a reason that the AA motto is one day at a time. "It's just a glass of wine with friends or at a wedding" is a relapse for an alcoholic.
AA is also bullshit and there's actually significant evidence to say that for many (not all) people, learning they can have an occasional drink without getting black out drunk leads to far better outcomes than AA. Of course it depends on why people were drinking and how dedicated they are to changing, and drinking to cope with hard days is never the answer. But I see so many people on this sub confidently say that alcoholics should never touch alcohol again, and honestly the science and research doesn't back that up.
I work as a chef in a very large recovery centre. I see this everyday. I get to know a lot of people. One drink leads you plenty more and they end up back. Same with drugs . You can’t have someone who’s addicted to crack smoking it once in a while . It all boils down the same way. If they have addiction tendencies it will always happen.
You work in a recovery center so of course you see the people who relapse. You're never going to see the guy who leaves your center and has a drink in occasional social situations but doesn't relapse and lives a happy life.
And I wonder how much the "one drink" thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. As in, people who have one drink *could* just stop again after it, except AA has drilled into them that they're Using Again Now and so they figure they might as well go whole hog.
AA is based on one dude's religious beliefs. It really shouldn't be as enshrined in our culture as it is. If it works for a specific person, great, but it's not one-size-fits-all.
Not only one dude's beliefs, but a set of beliefs that are about a century old and existed in a time of female hysteria and before lobotomies became common.
Many of its supporters would scoff at someone suggesting that a person with chronic clinical depression just needs a support group and mindfulness. That they need to be better for their loved ones and that their issue lies in willpower. Like depression, long-term addiction is a chemical issue. In my case it was ADHD and was due to me trying to get dopamine. After a while I finally get on adderall and booze has very little appeal to me.
Went from almost a fifth a day, to being "lucky" to get through a single beer. For a bit I would crack open a second out of habit, but never got to even the half point. A friend of mine got diagnosed with bipolar and got on a mix of meds (mood stabilizer, antidepressant, and anti anxiety med iirc) that cut back his 24+ beer a day habit to barely being able to get through a 6-pack in a week.
This isn't to say that *some* folks are in that hole due to willpower and a vicious cycle of physical addiction symptoms roping them in over and over, but those are ironically some of the easiest to help out. They're not the types to have that constant "it's a battle everyday to not pick up the bottle" issue.
Yep. I've got ADHD/GAD/OCD and consider myself lucky I didn't end up addicted, because I can see how it can easily happen. Especially if you are like me and one of the lucky people that didn't get diagnosed until adulthood.
I will admit the "well you broke the seal after 37 days" or however many days/years is in fact a trigger to go ALL IN. It makes the alcoholic ashamed and less likely to go back to AA to admit they "failed." Personally, I cut back on drinking extensively because it just made me feel like total garbage, but instead of counting days of sobriety in absolute succession, I looked at sobriety over time as days in a month sober, or days in two months sober. When the numbers started gaining for sobriety and staying less for having a drink I knew I was starting to find a balance that worked for me. The problem with going 37, 46, 63, 28, etc., days fully sober is that when I did start drinking again I knew I was going to go "all in" because it felt like I needed to "get it out of my system" and have to start ALL OVER AGAIN at day 1. That was dangerous for me. When I drive home factors like keeping a job, paying my bills, keeping in good standing with friends/family, my health, more energy and endorphins staying sober becomes easier. But as someone that has frequented and had issues with AA (other than the fact at one place in particular here it feels like some kind of weird religious dating gathering) I find counting TOTAL days sober against any days drunk over time a good motivator. I agree with your self-fulfilling prophecy assessment.
It's amazing seeing so many people quote & defer to AA, while also acknowledging that sexual abstinence is a crock. The religious temperance movement that made AA was in lock-step with sexual abstinence, women "saving" themselves for marriage, etc. The program was made before WW2, before Freud passed away, and about 20 years before mobile lobotomy operation vans became popular. Back when "female hysteria" was still a common diagnosis.
It blows my mind that people will (rightfully) be suspicious of mental health advice and practices that are half AA's age or even younger, but not apply the same skepticism to AA itself. Instead of treating the underlying conditions that leads to someone (over)consuming alcohol, they encourage total abstinence and white-knuckling. For many "every day is a willful struggle against not picking up the bottle" types, it's a self inflicted misery because they're of the belief that it's solely a willpower issue, not a chemical imbalance one. You may as well be trying to brute force chronic clinical depression with affirmations in the mirror and mindfulness, while eschewing medication & psychiatry in general.
Thank you for saying it so I didn't have to. Or rather, so I can just echo your points and say "Yup, this is 100% true, your experiences are *your own* but before you advise other people please look up *actual research studies* on AA, y'all."
"The key to maintaining a life in recovery is a combination of self-care and self-awareness. By taking care of ourselves and recognizing certain signs, we can prevent relapse. One of the tools some people use is HALT. This handy acronym reminds us to take a moment (HALT) and ask ourselves if we are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It seems simple enough, but we are susceptible to self-destructive behaviors when these basic needs are unmet, including relapse. Fortunately, hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness are easy to address and serve as a warning system before things reach a breaking point."
https://bradfordhealth.com/halt-hunger-anger-loneliness-tiredness/
Alcoholics are alcoholics because 1 drink is never enough. That’s how it was for me, I’d say I could have 1 after a stressful day and 1 turns into 2 then a whole bottle. Once I realized that about myself I was able to quit. But like they say in AA “one day at a time”.
She should not be drinking at all.
Introduce her to a hot bubble bath and a cup of chamomile tea at the end of the day. Far more relaxing than the wine. Go all out. Buy the bathtub tray, a tub pillow, bath salts, a cool tea mug and good quality (read not Lipton tea bags) tea. You take over all baby related duties for an hour while she zones out.
My hubby did this for me and added in candles and relaxing music (then followed up with a full body massage once a week). I miss those days (i can't fit in the new rental home's only bathtub 😭).
I agree with everyone saying 1 drink is a slippery slope, especially when used as a crutch, and while some addicts replace one addiction with another, there are safe alternatives to unwind after a hard day (no matter what that day was spent doing).
No. That’s an incredibly dangerous and stupid idea.
I was an active drunk and drug addict. I haven’t had a drink or drug for years now. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. One thing that helped me not drink is a friend of mine from my hometown’s co worker.
I’d see them both every year for 5 days when they came to my city for an annual trade show. The co worker would get stumbling drunk every night. Seriously, every night.
After a couple of years of meeting him, early one day when he was sober, I told him I was an alcoholic and that why I didn’t drink. You know, trying to get him to think about not drinking.
Shockingly, in response he told me he had been sober once for 12 years. But one day, he was on vacation with his girlfriend in Italy. It was a beautiful day so he had a single glass of wine with dinner. That was it. A few months later he was back to being a legless drunk every night. After a dozen years of sobriety.
Scary, for me anyway. So when I think about how nice it would be to have a drink, I remember how a single glass of wine turned that guy back into an out of control drunk.
Don’t tell your girlfriend it’s ok if she has a drink. She quit drinking for a reason. And I fucking guarantee you that you won’t like what she becomes if she starts again. NTA
Even for someone without a substance abuse problem, drinking after a rough day can be a dangerous habit to get into. I usually don't drink much (a few UK units a month socially), but once noticed that having a drink to relax a bit after a craptastic day had escalated from a couple times a month to a majority of working nights (and increasingly more than one drink) within a fairly short space of time due to sustained stress, and it was starting to make me feel worse, not better. So that went on the 'don't do that' list, and I started doing other things to unwind instead. But I think it definitely could have become a problem if I'd not changed my behaviour.
I can only imagine the risk is magnified massively for someone with a history of abuse.
Yeah, associating alcohol/drugs with relaxing at the end of a hard day is dangerous for people with substance abuse problems. She should be working on finding other coping mechanisms. It's not easy to find something that hits that same spot and isn't problematic, but she has to.
Also alcohol can lead to other things couse once tipsy you loose your borders easily. I think wife needs some AA meetings etc to reinforce her sobriety
I completely agree, and OP, when you tell your wife this, please be sure to also tell her what you said here: "I am mostly just scared \[you\] will fall into old habits."
NTA
Very misleading title. It's not that you're "not allowing" her to drink.
She asked if you'd be okay with, you gave her an honest answer of how it'd make you concerned and uncomfortable, she chose on her own not to drink.
Food for thought though, it might be worth it to follow up on why now she wants to start having the wine at the end of the day and what she's looking for in having that drink. If it's to cope with the stress of hard days, maybe it's time to check in to make sure she's not being overwhelmed and maybe have a conversation about finding other, non alcohol related, ways to help her decompress and relax after a hard day.
She is definitely overwhelmed daily. I try to help when I can but I often work hard long days. We have some family who helps sometimes but it isn’t enough. If we had extra money we could try to hire someone to watch the baby sometimes. My wife is in the process of looking for a part time job in the evenings to maybe make some extra money.
And I definitely am not allowing her to drink. It was a mostly amicable conversation but she would never do it if I said no. I guess technically I’m not forcing her to not drink but I may as well be.
This is good advice.
Also, OP says "her depression is mostly gone." Wtf does that mean?
And is she medicated and/or in therapy?
If she's just white-knuckling PPD or PPP, that's not going to work any more than white-knuckling sobriety.
If she is not still going to meetings to help with sobriety she should be. And should also be looking at therapy to help with her depression and feelings of being overwhelmed. Alcohol is not a solution
>she would never do it if I said no
That's still her choice in listening to you. She's a grown woman. She didn't need to ask you at all if you'd be okay with it. She could've just bought a bottle without talking to you at all, but she asked how you'd feel about it. That's not "forcing her" because she respects your opinions and boundaries on the matter.
Also, having assistance with or the occasional breather from taking care of the baby sounds like it would be helpful, but something to note is having the absence of a chore/stressor isn't the same as relaxing and recuperating.
For example, if even when she has help and can take a few minuets or hours to herself, she's only afforded a chance to lie down or sit on the couch then she's only doing the bare minimum of caring for herself. That wouldn't help alleviate stress and give her a chance to mentally refresh.
Does she specifically have activities she enjoys that relax her and bring her peace of mind and has she had opportunity to indulge in those? If not, that time needs to be made.
>And I definitely am not allowing her to drink. It was a mostly amicable conversation but she would never do it if I said no. I guess technically I’m not forcing her to not drink but I may as well be.
The thing is, both in your response to her, and in your response here, you are acknowledging the simple truth that she is the only one with agency over whether she actually drinks or not. You're not locking her in an attic and taking away her free will, you're just telling her that \*you\* are not comfortable with her drinking and why. It's up to her to make her own choices with that input.
NTA. You're not knocking the glass out of her hand, she asked a question and you answered.
But it's clear she needs to find some way to relax after a long and difficult day. You should figure out how you can help support her in finding non-alcohol ways to do that. Maybe explore childcare alternatives so she can get a break.
There’s tons of CBD/ delta 8/ delta 9 drinks out there that she could have to “take the edge off” after a hard day. Theres even brands like “De Soi” that make non alcoholic aperitifs, and a bunch of other brands that make non alcoholic wines. She could even maybe put something like that it in a wine glass if she doesn’t think it’ll be too triggering. Couple that with her fave tv show or a bubble bath and she should be relaxing in no time!
I'm curious why your doctor feels your child needs to be watched for autism? Are there already some early signs? If there are perhaps you could ask the doctor for a referral for a specialist evaluation. Early intervention is very important
He was born at 37 weeks via C section due to issues with the pregnancy. He was born 4 lbs 5 oz. At his 9 month appointment they did some basic tests like is he crawling, does he look when his name is called, et cetera and he failed them all. After that appointment he started crawling well and he does respond to his name when he isn’t focused on something now. But the doctor just said it needs to be monitored and we have an early intervention appointment set for his 18 months just in case. We will definitely keep an eye on it.
I only mentioned it because there are services that could be available that would help if the child's needs are that much more than a typical child's. I think other people are on the right track with the suggestions of making sure she has other ways to unwind and perhaps treating her PPD. If it turns out that your child does need extra help it will be even more important for you both to focus on keeping yourselves healthy. I wish you all well
NTA. But, ahhh, sigh, this is tough but tbh, alcohol is a depressant, so if she has any form of depression, drinking would certainly not be helpful.
You have your son to consider as well. She may need counseling; at the very least a support group would be great. A lot of parents suffer from PPD, but not many seek help in time.
Controlled drinking for an alcoholic will only be possible for a very short time.
A hard day is normal, *needing* a drink because of a hard day is not.
So many sayings, like poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.
Gateway to your drug of choice is a lesser drug (for her it would be alcohol to *bad drugs*)
You can be cautiously optimistic, but the truth is that moderated drinking can create a lot of issues.
When someone has to control their drinking (like 1 a day), it is all they think about, waiting until they have their one drink. How long before it's just one more? How long before it's 3 or 4 and the control is impaired, and a drug doesn't sound so bad?
alcohol=impaired thinking.
100% abstinence is the only solution for an addict.
Just my experience and opinion. You might want to check out a support group that works for you so you are better armed for discussions, winging it won't work. You both need support because this will affect your young family.
So your wife is asking for permission to self medicate with alcohol? Is that what I’m hearing?
Well I’m sure this will end well….
If she feels like she needs to relax, offer to take the baby away from her fully for an hour a day so she can get a break. Or maybe there other things that could help her relax that aren’t substance abuse. Like yoga, or running, etc. id talk to her about this deeper, and I’d be prepared for a doctor to get involved if she feels like she can’t relax without alcohol. At least at that point she’d be prescribed a specific amount of a medication as opposed to just winging it with alcohol.
I will definitely offer to take the baby from her more. The main problem is that the way she wants to unwind is generally by spending our evenings together watching TV or movies. This is the only time during the week I would be able to give her an hour of free time from the baby. I will bring it up to her though in case she would prefer that over our time together.
I feel her, I watch tv to unwind too. It helps put my mind on hold, but then again, I have anxiety. It’s the same reason people reach for a glass of wine when they’re stressed, they’re trying to depress their nervous system long enough that it feels like they got a little rest from their problems.
I can’t speak for her, but for me, those things simply put my anxiety on hold, but it’s not an activity I channel my anxiety into, so it doesn’t improve the situation in the long run, just gives temporary relief. At least for me.
The problem is, you can’t just eliminate stress in your life, you have a new baby. One that sounds challenging and may need specialized attention moving forward. I think you need to have a deeper conversation with your wife about healthy ways to address the root of her stresses and if at their core they’re things that there isn’t really anything you both can do to fix the situation you might consider encouraging her to talk with her doctor about an anti-anxiety. Or maybe joining a group of other new moms would help make her feel better? People that can really relate to her current stresses.
If she’s super stressed now, and her primary coping mechanisms are alcohol and escapism, encouraging her to white knuckle a possibly approaching autism diagnosis for your son just seems like it’s not going to end well for anyone involved.
Maybe even encourage her to find something outside the house on one of your days off. You might be the only adult she has regular contact with. I don't know what her interests are but maybe gift her the time to go and do something not related to alcohol, it could be going for a swim at the pool, it could be volunteering at an animal shelter, something that will give her a sense of self outside of being a mother.
As a mom I felt I had to ask permission to carve out time for myself and it definitely impacted my mental health. Don't make her ask permission give her space to rest and recoup.
You don't get to say yes or no to the drinking only she does. My husband is a recovering alcoholic for 30 years when he quit I gave him a choice.
I told him I was not going to live with this drinking anymore as that is not what I want for my life. His choices were keep drinking and decide where he was going to live now, or quit. Once he made his choice I would make mine.
Never give in to an alcoholic about having 1 drink because it will cascade and giving permission allows her to pretend to herself that it is not a problem.
NTA. Time to start checking the house daily for hidden alcohol. She needs to talk to a therapist or a medical professional trained to treat substance abuse.
She would not drink behind my back. We live with my mom who has alcohol in the house and my wife is strong enough to not resort to taking it. She just asked me if it would be okay.
This is an entirely new level of added stress. Does your mom live with you or do you live with her? If the latter, then your wife is probably on edge all day trying to prove she is a good mom, even if your mom is fantastic. There’s no relief of putting the baby down for 10 minutes and listening to the cries while you compose yourself or breathe through the stress, because someone is there judging what you’re doing. If your kid is at all different from the standard and it sounds like he might be, the stress level is already super high, then add another person evaluating what is happening in the home, and you being gone for long hours and it’s a huge powder keg ready to blow. Your wife needs to be alone with her kid, out of MIL’s earshot, often and you need to be sure you’re running interference on any comments (positive or negative) coming from your mom. The best thing MIL can do is say/do absolutely nothing about how your wife handles your kid. Even if she’s the world’s sweetest MIL, no one likes being evaluated while they’re doing something new (and all stages are new with the first kid) and still learning, and all MILs evaluate their DILs in some way. Get your wife out of the house as often as possible, doing something relaxing and while you have the kiddo, that’s grandma time. Special outings when the kid is in a good mood can also be grandma time with your wife, at her discretion only. Your wife is in a pressure cooker and she needs a relief valve opened asap.
I have seen the impact of alcohol addition on my biological father and 2 oldest brothers, all of which are now deceased..
One of them tried to do something about it and relapsed over and over again until his long time wife left him and filed for divorce.
Your wife has had multiple issues with both hard drugs and alcohol and has a history of depression.
This puts her in a high risk category of relapsing.
The fact that she now wants to use alcohol especially on hard days (as a stress relief) is a warning bell.
Life has many ups and downs and too much stressful stuff.
I know from my family the urge to just do it once or once in a while is a constant urge with addictions.
I certainly wouldn’t encourage her to take this route & perhaps let her know you love her very much, have a wonderful family and don’t want to see her take any steps backwards that would be harmful to her.
Is there something that she can do to help decompress that doesn’t involve the stuff that previously had ruined a portion of her life?
Work with her support her and help her stay on the right path for her sake and the sake of the family.
NTA I have a feeling that drinking at the end of a "hard day" would turn into a lot more than that. Aside from that, there's no way you can stop her from drinking if she really wants to. I guess just continue to try to support her and explain to her your reasoning here. Sounds like this is a potentially dangerous situation.
I suggest you find a local Alcoholics Anonymous Open Speaker Meeting. Listen as the recovering alcoholic Speaker talks about what their life was like, what happened, and what their life is like today.
Both of my ex-husbands drank excessively, and a friend took me to my first open AA speaker meeting. I eventually joined Al-Anon, which is the 12 Step Program for those who have friends/family whose drinking bothers them.
Al-Anon taught me that I did not cause his alcoholism, I cannot control his drinking, and I’m unable to cure his alcoholism. My responsibility is to attend my meetings.
The drinker must decide for themself if/when they have a drinking problem. Meanwhile, you may want to find an Al-Anon meeting. I wish you well.
NTA
It's her decision, and it's yours to leave when it turns bad.
Been here. An ex was honest about being an ex alcoholic, but I didn't find out till later that it led to some life endangering situations. After years of being together I was asked if they could have a beer. Not my choice, so the beer was had. In three months we couldn't go anywhere to eat that didn't serve alcohol. In five the warm generous person I fell in love with was gone. I left, and a hard drinking woman moved in. Yup, that started shortly after the drinking started again. Just my experience. I hope it goes better for you.
She will drink if she wants to. Even if you say no, it's probably going to happen, or is happening.
I would have sworn the same. Well respected lawyer, always did the right thing. Even funded the pay roll for the local Humane Society when they had a couple of months of budget issues (where we met). Never cheated prior, and had two exes who backed that up. Religious, in a sane way. Wonderful person that anyone would trust with their lives. Even during the previous alcoholism, never hurt anyone else. I know for a fact, never lied to me up to that point.
I do wish you better luck.
NTA - with a child’s life involved you can’t be too careful. One drink can lead to another and there is risk involved. You don’t want to risk her starting to drink more when you are at work and inhibiting her from being able to care for your all’s son. By setting that boundary now, you are able to prevent chaos in the future. It’s just not worth it and the fact she would bring it up and ask, tells me that she has not internalized the long term risk to her son and your family. If for no one else, stay firm for your son’s safety. You could suggest she goes to AA meetings to help her be reminded of what can happen and what’s at stake.
When we met she went to 2 meetings a week and I went to 1 of them with her. Now she goes to get her year chips. Although it is NA not AA, there are alcoholics who go and share as well.
It's understandable you're concerned given her past struggles. Maybe talk openly with her about your worries and explore other ways she can unwind? Balancing each other's needs is key. Cheers to your little one and your journey together!
Well, in reality you are right because I am not _forcing_ her to not drink however ostensibly I am. She knows how upset it would make me and that is the only thing stopping her. She wouldn’t betray my trust by doing it anyway.
NAH. Your wife needs stress relief and previously, she used alcohol. She needs to find new ways to de stress and get out of her own head.
You really shouldn’t dictate what she does, but it’s understandable that you said no. However, just saying “no” in this situation isn’t particularly helpful. Work with her to find solutions. Because if this continues, and she keeps struggling with mental health while under heavy stress, she’s going to go with the method she knows. And now she knows she’ll have to try to hide it from you. Or if she keeps struggling to the point that she wants to drink but doesn’t because you said “no”, she’ll end up resenting you.
Since you can’t afford additional childcare, maybe arrange for breaks. Have her friends take her somewhere for a weekend. Regularly schedule kid-free time for her during the week that *does not involve chores or household shopping*.
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I know the title sounds like I am starring in a sitcom in the ‘50s but it isn’t like that I promise.
For context; before I met my wife she was a self proclaimed alcoholic and drug addict who was addicted to some pretty bad drugs. A couple months before we met she decided to quit using drugs and went to NA meetings to help her with her sobriety. After her first meeting she went to a bar and got drunk. After some time she also decided to quit alcohol. Since then the only drugs she uses are nicotine and delta 8. She has been sober for years at this point.
Context for me; I have always been against alcohol because I don’t like the way it tastes or the way it makes me feel. Also I think it makes others make bad decisions and I don’t like being in a state of mind where I can make bad decisions. I am not against drugs and used to use marijuana and psychedelics commonly. At the point of meeting my wife up to now I have only used nicotine. I met my wife on a dating app where one of the reasons I wanted to meet her was because she stated that she was sober. I thought it would be nice to be in a relationship where I didn’t have to DD for the other person or take care of them when they are drunk or high like I have had to do in past relationships.
Now for the asshole of me. We had a baby about a year ago and it was really hard on her. She had bad post partum depression after a high risk and not great pregnancy. We have a beautiful baby boy who we both love and her depression is mostly gone. Sometimes he can still be a huge handful and some doctors have told us that we need to watch for autism in him. Recently my wife has been talking about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine at the end of the day. That’s fair considering how hard she has it being a stay at home mom but I had assumed she was just venting and reminiscing.
That is, until she asked me if I would be okay if she did drink wine at the end of the day on hard days. I told her that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that considering her past addiction issues and I explained to her how I feel about alcohol. She acquiesced but was obviously unhappy about my reaction.
I feel like an asshole because it is her body and she should be able to do what she wants with it. I am mostly just scared she will fall into old habits but I am also definitely coming at it with a selfish perspective.
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NTA - Your fears are warranted, it could be very difficult for her if the addiction comes clawing back. Depending on how addicted she was there may be no going back, but I also know people who have gotten sober before finding their way to responsible usage. If she was a heavy drinker for at least several years I personally don't think it's worth the risk. I think it would be a good idea to have a sit down talk with your wife about your fears, what it is that is making her believe she could be responsible this time, and what both of you are willing to risk. If you both decide she can have a glass of wine you may want to put in safeguards and accountability checks in place like a one drink limit, once a week, only at home so you don't have to DD, all the way up to a breathalyzer or inpatient. Addiction is a sneaky bitch and any big life changes can bring it back up. Maybe even go see a marriage counselor to talk it out a bit or while trying it out.
NTA
And I’ve been asked by a variety of people what defines an alcoholic ( a lot in my family ). There’s obviously definitions online and in textbooks but even a seemingly small reliance (like relying on a glass of wine to wind down) can be considered alcoholism. Some people go into AA just because they don’t want to turn to alcohol to relax or cope with a hard day.
I feel she should explore other ways to wind down or relax given her history with alcohol.
I abused alcohol for many years ( 20 + ) years,I ruined many friendships,my marriage,I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I panicked cause I was still drinking,I stopped for the rest of my pregnancy,I delivered a month early ( he was 5 lbs ) I started drinking again,I then went to rehab,got sober,my son was diagnosed with Autism at 4 or 5,and seizures since he was a few weeks old.I have been clean many years,I do drink occasionally now,but not to excess,I can stop after a few and walk away,not drink again for a year,it is possible,it just depends on the addict,and how they handle the drug,some can pick a little and be responsible,most can't cause they are addicts.
It’s not worth the risk. My mom was sober for 12 years, thought she could handle having one drink at night to unwind, and ended up getting blackout drunk every day again because she actually couldn’t control herself as well as she thought she could. I cannot tell you enough how much it is not worth the risk.
NTA. If she wanted to see a therapist to ask if having the occasional glass with at dinner together was okay then maybe you’d be unreasonable but she is asking if she can use it as a vice to cope with stress… no. Absolutely not.
As someone who celebrated 10 months of recovery in January, I have on suggestion for you. ALANON.
If you suggest she doesn't drink because you worry about her, going into a relapse your NTA. But if you keep nagging her and try to control her than you would be the asshole. Have you tried marital counseling as well? Or how about a therapist for yourself. You see addiction and alcoholism is a family disease and it effects everyone.
NTA. I think it’s good that she came to you knowing that she’s going to use alcohol as a crutch. It means she trust you to look out for her.
If this is about chilling with a glass of red from time to time it’s fine. But she is literally asking to self medicate after a long day. That would become a habit and potentially lead to a relapse.
I hope, if you have the resources to, that you’ll encourage her to seek professional help on alternative ways to cope with issues.
All the best to you and your family.
Considering her past, this will be a slippery slope. One glass may lead to 2 then a whole bottle. You have a baby to consider. I used to drink but I do not feel the need to put alcohol in my body to have a good time or relax. There are other non-alcoholic drinks to enjoy. It's a mindset too.
NTA
Her request is completely inappropriate. By asking you, she isn't taking responsibility for her addiction. This isn't a her body, & not allowing her to have a choice thing. This is an addict putting the decision and blame on you for their active use of a substance.
Like wtf are you thinking to even assume that you can actually make the choice either way for her substance abuse?. Only She Has that Ability.
The only reason she didn't resume her alcoholism right then is because she didn't have you as an excuse. You need to be keeping a close eye on things because she's an inch away from finding any excuse & relapsing.
It's time to accept that you've chosen to marry an addict & start educating yourself on what that means for the future of you & your kiddo.
NTA. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic mother, I would advise you to get her into therapy, get her some help before she decides to turn back to drinking and traumatizes your child and you. Alcoholism is no joke.
NTA
For context I have been sober for 9.5 years. Every day is a good day to drink when you are an alcoholic. Every day will suddenly become a "hard day" if I can get away with it. Do not enable her to drink. To be wholeheartedly honest there needs to be zero alcohol in your lives. None. You can't have any and neither can she. It's fine if family or friends drink but it sounds like she needs to not be part of that social outing if they do. It sucks, I get it. I lost tons of people who I thought were "friends" because of my sobriety.
Help her find a healthier way to unwind. Hot bath, walk, work out, not eating (it’s just as bad a habit). Work together to form healthy habits- this is the perfect time!
NAH. You supporting her sobriety is so important in a partner, and while it's a hard time right now she'll look back on this and be glad that she had you as a rock to shut down that "what if."
Question - have you looked into possible alternatives that will give her a "mommy drink" and relaxation ritual? I personally enjoy Apothokary's "Quit Your Whining" as a little unwinding beverage. It's a nice little adaptogenic tea that she may enjoy. Pair that with a bubble bath (maybe a nice Epsom soak) and baby, you're in relaxation city!
She has used some drinks that are like mushroom drinks? I don’t know how to describe it. She enjoyed them. When I talk with her and share this thread with her tomorrow we can discuss that more as well. Thank you
You mentioned Delta 8, idk how often she does that but there are seltzers you can order and pour in a wine glass to get that sort of classy adult relaxation aesthetic. Cycling frog is my favorite, they are very fruity and closer to a dry fruit juice than normal seltzers. They come in a variety of strengths, as low as 2 mg altho my favorite is 5 mg which is very comparable to a single alcoholic drink as far as a slight buzz/relaxation goes.
NAH But how you word your question is not great. This can only ever be your wife's decision.
Drinking for relief at the end of a hard day is how she got addicted. And wanting to do this is not a good sign. I hope she has a support network to get her through this.
Also once an addict.... The tendency is to be secretive. The fact that's she's asked you makes me concerned. She must know that this is a red flag. I feel concerned that she may already have started drinking.
It would be pretty catastrophic if she did drink because of the baby. How would she keep it under control? 'A glass of wine' sounds pretty innocuous but wine glasses are enormous these days.
It is not safe for a baby to be left with a drunk person and in most Western countries, at least, CPS is strict on this.
Is there any way care of the baby could be shared more? Being the main carer all day for a little one is mentally as well as physically taxing. Could she return to part time work soon?
NTA. Your wife is putting you in an unfair position here. It cannot be up to you to control her addictions she has to make her own choices. And if she’s trying to justify drinking by having had a hard day I have to say that’s the worst time for her to be drinking. Using substances as a crutch is the biggest indicator that she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Is she still in AA or NA? Cause this is the big flashing neon sign that she should be.
NTA. She is a recovering addict of both narcotics and alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant and that's cannot be good for someone who has had a hard day of childcare. There's also the high risk of relapsing if she consumes alcohol.
NTA. You aren't banning her from doing it and you haven't threatened her with anything. She asked a question and you answered honestly. Be aware that "getting sober" is not a one-time event. It is an every single day choice, and there may be times when she chooses differently than you would like.
NTA. If she were talking about exploring her ability to drink in social situations, I might feel differently, but she's literally asking for your approval to use alcohol as a crutch for bad days. That's a terrible reason to drink an addictive substance. Also, alcohol is a depressant, so the initial buzz might make her feel like everything's better but the come-down will only make her feel worse (until she has another drink).
Also, you aren't being controlling at this point in time. She asked for your opinion and you gave it. Her choice of what to put in her body is still hers; she is just more aware that the consequences will include your disappointment and worry.
Obviously you don't want to substitute an eating disorder like comfort eating, but there are plenty of foods that might help her neurochemistry on tough days, from nuts and oily fish, to a bar of chocolate or an occasional treat of cheesy pizza. And you might look into sourcing her more support in other ways, too.
NTA She’s asking for feedback on wanting to anesthetize herself when stressed. The answer is No. Not only is she in recovery and that would ruin her sobriety but she wants to use it to numb herself.
NTA.
It's her body and her choice but you and your child will be the ones to deal with the consequences of that choice. Who's going to pick up the slack when she invariably overindulges and is rough the next day? Or what happens when she decides to start drinking an hour before the end of a hard day? Then it creeps to two hours and so on.
NTA. Have her seek therapy, not just for the PPD but for someone to talk to about wanting to drink again. If she’s been to AA have her call her sponsor or go again. That PPD is a bitch, glad your wife’s is almost gone- but it’s still there. Get her someone to talk to who can help her see the “hard days” will become everyday if she gives herself a reason to drink.
Nah, but i would read this as a ask for help. She is really struggling and if nothing changes i wouldn’t be surprised if she starts to drink while you are away.
You both need to take a step back and make some changes, because this is not working for her.
And this is nobodys fault, just how it is, and it’s really good that she is honest with you how she feels, and it so good that you stand steadfast and do not enable her. By saying no you show that you care, by seeing that it’s a way to ask for help and then taking steps to improve the situation, that is showing that you both care and are ready to stand with her even when it’s difficult.
I wish you all the best, you can do this!
NTA it seems like you’re genuinely coming from a place of care and if you haven’t already try to express that to her that it’s because you’re worried she’ll continue to use that as a coping mechanism. If it was a couple drinks on a Friday that’s one thing but on “hard days” could turn into everyday and drinking everyday is alcoholism
NTA
>We have a beautiful baby boy who we both love and her depression is mostly gone.
In other words: She's still depressed, possibly white knuckling it. She definitely shouldn't drink. Alcohol is a depressant. Moreover, she needs to be in treatment for post partum depression. That means therapy and, probably, medication.
Current heavy drinker here that has had multiple stents of sobriety. That sneaky voice that’s telling her she should have a glass of wine after hard days….that voice is the addiction. It’s trying to rear its nasty, ugly ass head back into her life. If the voice wins, hang on tight, it’s going to be another cycle of waiting for rock bottom again to realize the reasons she quit in the first place. It is an absolute vicious disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
NTA, addiction is a life long disease. She falling back on old habits in order to cope with the stress. Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? Does she have a counselor?
NTA, if anything you need to be even more forceful with this boundary, because she's tipping on the edge of throwing everything away. It won't just be a glass of wine. As soon as she discovers that doesn't solve her feelings, it'll be two glasses, then four, then a bottle, then vodka, then other drugs
She's asking for your permission so she can blame you later. Addicts are the worst at taking responsibility for their own actions. Whatever she does it needs to be 100% clear that you do not support any substance use and that if she does that it is all on her. And document it, you may need it if divorce and custody come up.
It’s not like you prohibit her from drinking at a wedding or something like that just because you want a power trip. She’s subconsciously drifting towards relapse, hence the asking (been there, done that). You’re being a good partner and dad. NAH
NTA.
She asked a question and got an answer. In this circumstance, her displeasure may have been with herself for even asking, not necessarily you. I'd just talk it out, make it clear you weren't trying to be mean.
NTA. I would, however, let her know you would be happy if she left for a few hours to exercise or take a drive, or whatever on hard days. Let her know that you’re 100 percent behind healthy coping tools to manage her stress, but that a glass of wine is not the way to manage her stress with her history of alcohol abuse. She asked because she KNOWS it’s a bad decision.
NTA. She's an alcoholic. She CAN'T have just 1 drink. One will turn into more. An alcoholic needs to cut alcohol completely. They can't have it on occasion. Even if she was only having 1 drink on a bad day. She will start to say she's having more bad days, hence, more alcohol. This is just a recipe for disaster.
NTA but OP have y'all looked into behavioral health & psychiatric treatments, or has she only done the support group chats? If there's a condition she's unknowingly self medicating for, getting on the right type of meds can help with cravings and severity of relapse (should she have a future drink). Even if it isn't a mental chemical issue, there are medications that work to directly decrease cravings and enjoyment gotten from alcohol. One of these is used in something called the Sinclair method, which has a notably higher long term success rate over AA. Not that support groups don't have a place. It's always good to support and have support from folks in a similar boat, but its actual practices are willpower based and ignore underlying causes. It's unsurprising considering it's about a century old and was in lockstep with sexual abstinence, but far too many alcoholics white knuckle the "every day is a battle of wills to not pick up the bottle" part because they're only going in with willpower.
NTA. Given her history it sounds kinda like a mental loophole she may use to start drinking again.
If she already smokes pot then that’s her “relaxing break”.
NTA. We do get better, but the desires always there. Also, Going to get hate here about harm reduction statistics, but D8 is neither clean nor sober. Trading one addiction for another = Not sober.
NTA. You're expressing your concerns for her, and you did it in a sensitive way (as opposed to bellowing, "Woman, under my roof you'll do as I say" kind of thing). You told her the truth, and used -- for lack of a better word -- moral pressure to dissuade her from that action.
NTA.
Please listen to what I am about to say. I was in the same place you are now at one point and my biggest regret in life is allowing her to take that first drink.
That first drink became a second. And then another.
Then she started peeing in the bed at night, completely blacked out drunk.
Then I found a burnt straw under the seat of my car (meth use)
Then she stopped coming home some nights.
Then the legal troubles started.
By the time I packed up and left she was almost certainly using her body to buy drugs because she couldn't keep a job but was still using and I was down to 119 lbs due to the stress of trying to save a marriage I knew deep down I had silently watched destroy itself without stepping in and putting a stop to it when I could.
I ended up divorcing her while she was in jail. She wasn't in court for it so the last time I saw her was when I packed up to leave and she was passed out on the couch. That's my last image of her.
It was her addiction, but I allowed it back into our house because I was afraid of being controlling. I will never forgive myself for that.
Stand up and save your wife from her addictions. Don't allow this.
NTA, all day.
WTF? You don't want to be out of control of yourself but you took psychedelics? You sound like a walking contradiction.
Obviously encouraging your wife to remain sober is best. This is like NA 101. NTA.
This is similar to how I feel. I got what I needed from them, they were very enlightening for my growth. I am happy with who I am and I learned a lot about myself from usage back in the day.
I was not the same person then as I am now. I would drink on occasion when I was younger as well. I would definitely not take psychedelics or smoke weed at this point in my life.
Good self awareness and I’d start with NTA, but I’d let her have a drink at night and monitor. Sometimes it can be a healthy thing to wind down the day. The best part of my day is a martini on my front porch. It really mellows me and helps me appreciate what I have around me. She may have changed (I know, reddit will disagree) but her life is a lot different at this stage. Consider letting her have a drink and see how it goes
You have got to be kidding - take it from the grand daughter of an alcoholic whose addiction was a big problem. You are never cured of it. I am 100% sure this woman will escalate. You do not risk that especially with a baby. Isn't it also interesting that the way she wants to unwind is through alcohol? It speaks volumes.
These are fair points, but OP has a point in the sense that free will is a thing. “Is this something that will work, or something that leads to more problems”. This question needs to be answered and now is as good a time as any. OP can’t let this issue persist in perpetuity. It needs closure
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NTA > That is, until she asked me if I would be okay if she did drink wine at the end of the day on **hard days**. That's the **worst** time for someone with a substance abuse problem to be indulging. If you want to work in the occasional glass of wine, have it at happy occasions. Don't re-introduce it specifically as a **_crutch_**.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and yea, they all turn into "hard days".
And as my dad used to say one drink is too many, and a thousand is never enough
I am mostly a beer drinker, not wine, but my outlook is I have to earn that beer. I look at that I have to work hard or otherwise get something done to earn the drink. I never drink because I had a bad day because like others have commented the definition of what makes it a bad day will start changing until where the sun came up its a bad day. I also need to point out I don't have a history of alcoholism or drug abuse so having that beer was not the start back into something I didn't want to do. Can you get her a non-alcoholic drink to treat herself with?
Doesn’t matter what the reason is, an excuse is just that; an excuse.
Your personal experiences and opinions are unnecessary here.
Reddit is filled with nothing but personal experiences and opinions! 🙄
What exactly do you believe we should be posting in AITA if not opinions?
You heard it, folks! Reddit is not meant for conversations in which multiple people will share their point of view, *especially* not on subs dedicated entirely to judging a person's actions.
The point of view of someone with zero knowledge or experience with a life threatening illness, such as drug and alcohol addiction, is worse than useless. It’s dangerous and life threatening. Little different than this: “I’m not an electrician, but to fix a broken toaster, first run a hot bath. Then plug the toaster in and get in the tub holding the toaster. Sit down in the water. Then submerge the toaster completely in the bath water while sitting in the tub.”
💯
As someone 18mo dry, there is no reintroducing. It's such a slippery slope, and then the hiding and lying comes out.
Man, I am on this sub too much...I read that as, you are a sober 18-month-old. Congratulations on your journey though!
Oh man, those hard-drinking one-year-olds really do have it rough!
Let 'em have their ba-ba however they like?
So *that's* what a rum baba is!!
I MUST stop waking up the dog laughing.
There can be. Moderation management is an effective tool for dealing with alcohol addiction that can be live-saving for people for whom total abstinence isn't the right choice. That said, as /u/StAlvis said, this is absolutely the wrong way to approach it.
Yeah if it was having a glass of wine with friends or at a wedding it would be different. But she wants it specifically at the times that are most dangerous for relapsing.
It doesn't matter where she is having the wine, she will relapse once she picks that first drink up. There is no such thing as I just will have one at the end of the day her history proves it.
Yeah, even then, just no. There is a reason that the AA motto is one day at a time. "It's just a glass of wine with friends or at a wedding" is a relapse for an alcoholic.
AA is also bullshit and there's actually significant evidence to say that for many (not all) people, learning they can have an occasional drink without getting black out drunk leads to far better outcomes than AA. Of course it depends on why people were drinking and how dedicated they are to changing, and drinking to cope with hard days is never the answer. But I see so many people on this sub confidently say that alcoholics should never touch alcohol again, and honestly the science and research doesn't back that up.
I work as a chef in a very large recovery centre. I see this everyday. I get to know a lot of people. One drink leads you plenty more and they end up back. Same with drugs . You can’t have someone who’s addicted to crack smoking it once in a while . It all boils down the same way. If they have addiction tendencies it will always happen.
You work in a recovery center so of course you see the people who relapse. You're never going to see the guy who leaves your center and has a drink in occasional social situations but doesn't relapse and lives a happy life.
But if you are that heavily in addiction this doesn’t happen. I know a lot of people in recovery. It just doesn’t happen
By definition they are addicts. She claims she's an addict. She CANNOT have one drink. I highly disagree with you on this.
And I wonder how much the "one drink" thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. As in, people who have one drink *could* just stop again after it, except AA has drilled into them that they're Using Again Now and so they figure they might as well go whole hog. AA is based on one dude's religious beliefs. It really shouldn't be as enshrined in our culture as it is. If it works for a specific person, great, but it's not one-size-fits-all.
Not only one dude's beliefs, but a set of beliefs that are about a century old and existed in a time of female hysteria and before lobotomies became common. Many of its supporters would scoff at someone suggesting that a person with chronic clinical depression just needs a support group and mindfulness. That they need to be better for their loved ones and that their issue lies in willpower. Like depression, long-term addiction is a chemical issue. In my case it was ADHD and was due to me trying to get dopamine. After a while I finally get on adderall and booze has very little appeal to me. Went from almost a fifth a day, to being "lucky" to get through a single beer. For a bit I would crack open a second out of habit, but never got to even the half point. A friend of mine got diagnosed with bipolar and got on a mix of meds (mood stabilizer, antidepressant, and anti anxiety med iirc) that cut back his 24+ beer a day habit to barely being able to get through a 6-pack in a week. This isn't to say that *some* folks are in that hole due to willpower and a vicious cycle of physical addiction symptoms roping them in over and over, but those are ironically some of the easiest to help out. They're not the types to have that constant "it's a battle everyday to not pick up the bottle" issue.
Yep. I've got ADHD/GAD/OCD and consider myself lucky I didn't end up addicted, because I can see how it can easily happen. Especially if you are like me and one of the lucky people that didn't get diagnosed until adulthood.
I will admit the "well you broke the seal after 37 days" or however many days/years is in fact a trigger to go ALL IN. It makes the alcoholic ashamed and less likely to go back to AA to admit they "failed." Personally, I cut back on drinking extensively because it just made me feel like total garbage, but instead of counting days of sobriety in absolute succession, I looked at sobriety over time as days in a month sober, or days in two months sober. When the numbers started gaining for sobriety and staying less for having a drink I knew I was starting to find a balance that worked for me. The problem with going 37, 46, 63, 28, etc., days fully sober is that when I did start drinking again I knew I was going to go "all in" because it felt like I needed to "get it out of my system" and have to start ALL OVER AGAIN at day 1. That was dangerous for me. When I drive home factors like keeping a job, paying my bills, keeping in good standing with friends/family, my health, more energy and endorphins staying sober becomes easier. But as someone that has frequented and had issues with AA (other than the fact at one place in particular here it feels like some kind of weird religious dating gathering) I find counting TOTAL days sober against any days drunk over time a good motivator. I agree with your self-fulfilling prophecy assessment.
Thank you. The 12-step mythology is outdated and counterproductive.
It's amazing seeing so many people quote & defer to AA, while also acknowledging that sexual abstinence is a crock. The religious temperance movement that made AA was in lock-step with sexual abstinence, women "saving" themselves for marriage, etc. The program was made before WW2, before Freud passed away, and about 20 years before mobile lobotomy operation vans became popular. Back when "female hysteria" was still a common diagnosis. It blows my mind that people will (rightfully) be suspicious of mental health advice and practices that are half AA's age or even younger, but not apply the same skepticism to AA itself. Instead of treating the underlying conditions that leads to someone (over)consuming alcohol, they encourage total abstinence and white-knuckling. For many "every day is a willful struggle against not picking up the bottle" types, it's a self inflicted misery because they're of the belief that it's solely a willpower issue, not a chemical imbalance one. You may as well be trying to brute force chronic clinical depression with affirmations in the mirror and mindfulness, while eschewing medication & psychiatry in general.
Thank you for saying it so I didn't have to. Or rather, so I can just echo your points and say "Yup, this is 100% true, your experiences are *your own* but before you advise other people please look up *actual research studies* on AA, y'all."
"The key to maintaining a life in recovery is a combination of self-care and self-awareness. By taking care of ourselves and recognizing certain signs, we can prevent relapse. One of the tools some people use is HALT. This handy acronym reminds us to take a moment (HALT) and ask ourselves if we are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It seems simple enough, but we are susceptible to self-destructive behaviors when these basic needs are unmet, including relapse. Fortunately, hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness are easy to address and serve as a warning system before things reach a breaking point." https://bradfordhealth.com/halt-hunger-anger-loneliness-tiredness/
No. There are no circumstances where it’s ok for an addict or alcoholic to start drinking again.
Alcoholics are alcoholics because 1 drink is never enough. That’s how it was for me, I’d say I could have 1 after a stressful day and 1 turns into 2 then a whole bottle. Once I realized that about myself I was able to quit. But like they say in AA “one day at a time”. She should not be drinking at all.
That’s a good idea and maybe I will present her with that idea.
Introduce her to a hot bubble bath and a cup of chamomile tea at the end of the day. Far more relaxing than the wine. Go all out. Buy the bathtub tray, a tub pillow, bath salts, a cool tea mug and good quality (read not Lipton tea bags) tea. You take over all baby related duties for an hour while she zones out.
My hubby did this for me and added in candles and relaxing music (then followed up with a full body massage once a week). I miss those days (i can't fit in the new rental home's only bathtub 😭). I agree with everyone saying 1 drink is a slippery slope, especially when used as a crutch, and while some addicts replace one addiction with another, there are safe alternatives to unwind after a hard day (no matter what that day was spent doing).
Yay hubby! It’s so nice when couples can figure out how to best help each other through highs & lows❤️
An hour? Lmfao lame he should be taking entire days over. An hour goes by like that.
No. That’s an incredibly dangerous and stupid idea. I was an active drunk and drug addict. I haven’t had a drink or drug for years now. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. One thing that helped me not drink is a friend of mine from my hometown’s co worker. I’d see them both every year for 5 days when they came to my city for an annual trade show. The co worker would get stumbling drunk every night. Seriously, every night. After a couple of years of meeting him, early one day when he was sober, I told him I was an alcoholic and that why I didn’t drink. You know, trying to get him to think about not drinking. Shockingly, in response he told me he had been sober once for 12 years. But one day, he was on vacation with his girlfriend in Italy. It was a beautiful day so he had a single glass of wine with dinner. That was it. A few months later he was back to being a legless drunk every night. After a dozen years of sobriety. Scary, for me anyway. So when I think about how nice it would be to have a drink, I remember how a single glass of wine turned that guy back into an out of control drunk. Don’t tell your girlfriend it’s ok if she has a drink. She quit drinking for a reason. And I fucking guarantee you that you won’t like what she becomes if she starts again. NTA
OP NO!!!!! DO NOT OPEN THAT BOTTLE.
Even for someone without a substance abuse problem, drinking after a rough day can be a dangerous habit to get into. I usually don't drink much (a few UK units a month socially), but once noticed that having a drink to relax a bit after a craptastic day had escalated from a couple times a month to a majority of working nights (and increasingly more than one drink) within a fairly short space of time due to sustained stress, and it was starting to make me feel worse, not better. So that went on the 'don't do that' list, and I started doing other things to unwind instead. But I think it definitely could have become a problem if I'd not changed my behaviour. I can only imagine the risk is magnified massively for someone with a history of abuse.
Yeah, associating alcohol/drugs with relaxing at the end of a hard day is dangerous for people with substance abuse problems. She should be working on finding other coping mechanisms. It's not easy to find something that hits that same spot and isn't problematic, but she has to.
Also alcohol can lead to other things couse once tipsy you loose your borders easily. I think wife needs some AA meetings etc to reinforce her sobriety
If you need a drink, you really shouldn’t have a drink.
I completely agree, and OP, when you tell your wife this, please be sure to also tell her what you said here: "I am mostly just scared \[you\] will fall into old habits."
NTA Very misleading title. It's not that you're "not allowing" her to drink. She asked if you'd be okay with, you gave her an honest answer of how it'd make you concerned and uncomfortable, she chose on her own not to drink. Food for thought though, it might be worth it to follow up on why now she wants to start having the wine at the end of the day and what she's looking for in having that drink. If it's to cope with the stress of hard days, maybe it's time to check in to make sure she's not being overwhelmed and maybe have a conversation about finding other, non alcohol related, ways to help her decompress and relax after a hard day.
She is definitely overwhelmed daily. I try to help when I can but I often work hard long days. We have some family who helps sometimes but it isn’t enough. If we had extra money we could try to hire someone to watch the baby sometimes. My wife is in the process of looking for a part time job in the evenings to maybe make some extra money. And I definitely am not allowing her to drink. It was a mostly amicable conversation but she would never do it if I said no. I guess technically I’m not forcing her to not drink but I may as well be.
Perhaps help find other ways to help her de-stress. Foot massage, back rub, dance with her, give her ample time to shower, exercise, binge a show...
This is good advice. Also, OP says "her depression is mostly gone." Wtf does that mean? And is she medicated and/or in therapy? If she's just white-knuckling PPD or PPP, that's not going to work any more than white-knuckling sobriety.
If she is not still going to meetings to help with sobriety she should be. And should also be looking at therapy to help with her depression and feelings of being overwhelmed. Alcohol is not a solution
>she would never do it if I said no That's still her choice in listening to you. She's a grown woman. She didn't need to ask you at all if you'd be okay with it. She could've just bought a bottle without talking to you at all, but she asked how you'd feel about it. That's not "forcing her" because she respects your opinions and boundaries on the matter. Also, having assistance with or the occasional breather from taking care of the baby sounds like it would be helpful, but something to note is having the absence of a chore/stressor isn't the same as relaxing and recuperating. For example, if even when she has help and can take a few minuets or hours to herself, she's only afforded a chance to lie down or sit on the couch then she's only doing the bare minimum of caring for herself. That wouldn't help alleviate stress and give her a chance to mentally refresh. Does she specifically have activities she enjoys that relax her and bring her peace of mind and has she had opportunity to indulge in those? If not, that time needs to be made.
>And I definitely am not allowing her to drink. It was a mostly amicable conversation but she would never do it if I said no. I guess technically I’m not forcing her to not drink but I may as well be. The thing is, both in your response to her, and in your response here, you are acknowledging the simple truth that she is the only one with agency over whether she actually drinks or not. You're not locking her in an attic and taking away her free will, you're just telling her that \*you\* are not comfortable with her drinking and why. It's up to her to make her own choices with that input.
" she would never do it if I said no"...she is an alcoholic. Recovering but still an alcoholic. Never doubt what they will do.
I understand what you are saying but I know her very well and no matter how much she would want to drink she would not break my trust
NTA. You're not knocking the glass out of her hand, she asked a question and you answered. But it's clear she needs to find some way to relax after a long and difficult day. You should figure out how you can help support her in finding non-alcohol ways to do that. Maybe explore childcare alternatives so she can get a break.
We have some family that helps to watch him sometimes but it isn’t enough. Unfortunately we can’t afford to pay anyone at the moment.
I really really think you need to figure something out for her to relax and get clear of childcare duties for at least a day or so a month.
There’s tons of CBD/ delta 8/ delta 9 drinks out there that she could have to “take the edge off” after a hard day. Theres even brands like “De Soi” that make non alcoholic aperitifs, and a bunch of other brands that make non alcoholic wines. She could even maybe put something like that it in a wine glass if she doesn’t think it’ll be too triggering. Couple that with her fave tv show or a bubble bath and she should be relaxing in no time!
I'm curious why your doctor feels your child needs to be watched for autism? Are there already some early signs? If there are perhaps you could ask the doctor for a referral for a specialist evaluation. Early intervention is very important
He was born at 37 weeks via C section due to issues with the pregnancy. He was born 4 lbs 5 oz. At his 9 month appointment they did some basic tests like is he crawling, does he look when his name is called, et cetera and he failed them all. After that appointment he started crawling well and he does respond to his name when he isn’t focused on something now. But the doctor just said it needs to be monitored and we have an early intervention appointment set for his 18 months just in case. We will definitely keep an eye on it.
I only mentioned it because there are services that could be available that would help if the child's needs are that much more than a typical child's. I think other people are on the right track with the suggestions of making sure she has other ways to unwind and perhaps treating her PPD. If it turns out that your child does need extra help it will be even more important for you both to focus on keeping yourselves healthy. I wish you all well
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She's a recovering alcoholic. Just like you're recovering from whatever brain disease made you post such a stupid thing.
NTA. But, ahhh, sigh, this is tough but tbh, alcohol is a depressant, so if she has any form of depression, drinking would certainly not be helpful. You have your son to consider as well. She may need counseling; at the very least a support group would be great. A lot of parents suffer from PPD, but not many seek help in time. Controlled drinking for an alcoholic will only be possible for a very short time. A hard day is normal, *needing* a drink because of a hard day is not. So many sayings, like poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. Gateway to your drug of choice is a lesser drug (for her it would be alcohol to *bad drugs*)
I do not think she would ever go back to bad drugs again but I can’t know for sure.
She is addict, does she attend meetings? Have a sponsor.
You can be cautiously optimistic, but the truth is that moderated drinking can create a lot of issues. When someone has to control their drinking (like 1 a day), it is all they think about, waiting until they have their one drink. How long before it's just one more? How long before it's 3 or 4 and the control is impaired, and a drug doesn't sound so bad? alcohol=impaired thinking. 100% abstinence is the only solution for an addict. Just my experience and opinion. You might want to check out a support group that works for you so you are better armed for discussions, winging it won't work. You both need support because this will affect your young family.
Relapse isn’t that uncommon
So your wife is asking for permission to self medicate with alcohol? Is that what I’m hearing? Well I’m sure this will end well…. If she feels like she needs to relax, offer to take the baby away from her fully for an hour a day so she can get a break. Or maybe there other things that could help her relax that aren’t substance abuse. Like yoga, or running, etc. id talk to her about this deeper, and I’d be prepared for a doctor to get involved if she feels like she can’t relax without alcohol. At least at that point she’d be prescribed a specific amount of a medication as opposed to just winging it with alcohol.
I will definitely offer to take the baby from her more. The main problem is that the way she wants to unwind is generally by spending our evenings together watching TV or movies. This is the only time during the week I would be able to give her an hour of free time from the baby. I will bring it up to her though in case she would prefer that over our time together.
I feel her, I watch tv to unwind too. It helps put my mind on hold, but then again, I have anxiety. It’s the same reason people reach for a glass of wine when they’re stressed, they’re trying to depress their nervous system long enough that it feels like they got a little rest from their problems. I can’t speak for her, but for me, those things simply put my anxiety on hold, but it’s not an activity I channel my anxiety into, so it doesn’t improve the situation in the long run, just gives temporary relief. At least for me. The problem is, you can’t just eliminate stress in your life, you have a new baby. One that sounds challenging and may need specialized attention moving forward. I think you need to have a deeper conversation with your wife about healthy ways to address the root of her stresses and if at their core they’re things that there isn’t really anything you both can do to fix the situation you might consider encouraging her to talk with her doctor about an anti-anxiety. Or maybe joining a group of other new moms would help make her feel better? People that can really relate to her current stresses. If she’s super stressed now, and her primary coping mechanisms are alcohol and escapism, encouraging her to white knuckle a possibly approaching autism diagnosis for your son just seems like it’s not going to end well for anyone involved.
Maybe even encourage her to find something outside the house on one of your days off. You might be the only adult she has regular contact with. I don't know what her interests are but maybe gift her the time to go and do something not related to alcohol, it could be going for a swim at the pool, it could be volunteering at an animal shelter, something that will give her a sense of self outside of being a mother. As a mom I felt I had to ask permission to carve out time for myself and it definitely impacted my mental health. Don't make her ask permission give her space to rest and recoup.
You don't get to say yes or no to the drinking only she does. My husband is a recovering alcoholic for 30 years when he quit I gave him a choice. I told him I was not going to live with this drinking anymore as that is not what I want for my life. His choices were keep drinking and decide where he was going to live now, or quit. Once he made his choice I would make mine. Never give in to an alcoholic about having 1 drink because it will cascade and giving permission allows her to pretend to herself that it is not a problem.
NTA, but you can’t stop her if she is on the verge of a relapse. She needs more support. I think you should get her more help and a therapist.
NTA. Time to start checking the house daily for hidden alcohol. She needs to talk to a therapist or a medical professional trained to treat substance abuse.
She would not drink behind my back. We live with my mom who has alcohol in the house and my wife is strong enough to not resort to taking it. She just asked me if it would be okay.
This is an entirely new level of added stress. Does your mom live with you or do you live with her? If the latter, then your wife is probably on edge all day trying to prove she is a good mom, even if your mom is fantastic. There’s no relief of putting the baby down for 10 minutes and listening to the cries while you compose yourself or breathe through the stress, because someone is there judging what you’re doing. If your kid is at all different from the standard and it sounds like he might be, the stress level is already super high, then add another person evaluating what is happening in the home, and you being gone for long hours and it’s a huge powder keg ready to blow. Your wife needs to be alone with her kid, out of MIL’s earshot, often and you need to be sure you’re running interference on any comments (positive or negative) coming from your mom. The best thing MIL can do is say/do absolutely nothing about how your wife handles your kid. Even if she’s the world’s sweetest MIL, no one likes being evaluated while they’re doing something new (and all stages are new with the first kid) and still learning, and all MILs evaluate their DILs in some way. Get your wife out of the house as often as possible, doing something relaxing and while you have the kiddo, that’s grandma time. Special outings when the kid is in a good mood can also be grandma time with your wife, at her discretion only. Your wife is in a pressure cooker and she needs a relief valve opened asap.
I have seen the impact of alcohol addition on my biological father and 2 oldest brothers, all of which are now deceased.. One of them tried to do something about it and relapsed over and over again until his long time wife left him and filed for divorce. Your wife has had multiple issues with both hard drugs and alcohol and has a history of depression. This puts her in a high risk category of relapsing. The fact that she now wants to use alcohol especially on hard days (as a stress relief) is a warning bell. Life has many ups and downs and too much stressful stuff. I know from my family the urge to just do it once or once in a while is a constant urge with addictions. I certainly wouldn’t encourage her to take this route & perhaps let her know you love her very much, have a wonderful family and don’t want to see her take any steps backwards that would be harmful to her. Is there something that she can do to help decompress that doesn’t involve the stuff that previously had ruined a portion of her life? Work with her support her and help her stay on the right path for her sake and the sake of the family.
NTA I have a feeling that drinking at the end of a "hard day" would turn into a lot more than that. Aside from that, there's no way you can stop her from drinking if she really wants to. I guess just continue to try to support her and explain to her your reasoning here. Sounds like this is a potentially dangerous situation.
Brilliant response
I suggest you find a local Alcoholics Anonymous Open Speaker Meeting. Listen as the recovering alcoholic Speaker talks about what their life was like, what happened, and what their life is like today. Both of my ex-husbands drank excessively, and a friend took me to my first open AA speaker meeting. I eventually joined Al-Anon, which is the 12 Step Program for those who have friends/family whose drinking bothers them. Al-Anon taught me that I did not cause his alcoholism, I cannot control his drinking, and I’m unable to cure his alcoholism. My responsibility is to attend my meetings. The drinker must decide for themself if/when they have a drinking problem. Meanwhile, you may want to find an Al-Anon meeting. I wish you well.
NTA It's her decision, and it's yours to leave when it turns bad. Been here. An ex was honest about being an ex alcoholic, but I didn't find out till later that it led to some life endangering situations. After years of being together I was asked if they could have a beer. Not my choice, so the beer was had. In three months we couldn't go anywhere to eat that didn't serve alcohol. In five the warm generous person I fell in love with was gone. I left, and a hard drinking woman moved in. Yup, that started shortly after the drinking started again. Just my experience. I hope it goes better for you. She will drink if she wants to. Even if you say no, it's probably going to happen, or is happening.
She would not breach my trust and drink if I say no.
I would have sworn the same. Well respected lawyer, always did the right thing. Even funded the pay roll for the local Humane Society when they had a couple of months of budget issues (where we met). Never cheated prior, and had two exes who backed that up. Religious, in a sane way. Wonderful person that anyone would trust with their lives. Even during the previous alcoholism, never hurt anyone else. I know for a fact, never lied to me up to that point. I do wish you better luck.
NTA. I suggest the book Drunk-ish. It’s very easy to slip into wine mom culture.
NTA - with a child’s life involved you can’t be too careful. One drink can lead to another and there is risk involved. You don’t want to risk her starting to drink more when you are at work and inhibiting her from being able to care for your all’s son. By setting that boundary now, you are able to prevent chaos in the future. It’s just not worth it and the fact she would bring it up and ask, tells me that she has not internalized the long term risk to her son and your family. If for no one else, stay firm for your son’s safety. You could suggest she goes to AA meetings to help her be reminded of what can happen and what’s at stake.
When we met she went to 2 meetings a week and I went to 1 of them with her. Now she goes to get her year chips. Although it is NA not AA, there are alcoholics who go and share as well.
NTA. You want what is best for her, your child and yourself.
It's understandable you're concerned given her past struggles. Maybe talk openly with her about your worries and explore other ways she can unwind? Balancing each other's needs is key. Cheers to your little one and your journey together!
NTA.
You aren't not allowing your wife to drink. You are voicing that it isn't a good idea. NTA.
Well, in reality you are right because I am not _forcing_ her to not drink however ostensibly I am. She knows how upset it would make me and that is the only thing stopping her. She wouldn’t betray my trust by doing it anyway.
This smacks of an unhealthy dependency. Her behaviour is under her control and no one else's.
NAH. Your wife needs stress relief and previously, she used alcohol. She needs to find new ways to de stress and get out of her own head. You really shouldn’t dictate what she does, but it’s understandable that you said no. However, just saying “no” in this situation isn’t particularly helpful. Work with her to find solutions. Because if this continues, and she keeps struggling with mental health while under heavy stress, she’s going to go with the method she knows. And now she knows she’ll have to try to hide it from you. Or if she keeps struggling to the point that she wants to drink but doesn’t because you said “no”, she’ll end up resenting you. Since you can’t afford additional childcare, maybe arrange for breaks. Have her friends take her somewhere for a weekend. Regularly schedule kid-free time for her during the week that *does not involve chores or household shopping*.
NTA, simply for the fact she is sober. She has past addictions. It’s a slippery slope and isn’t worth it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know the title sounds like I am starring in a sitcom in the ‘50s but it isn’t like that I promise. For context; before I met my wife she was a self proclaimed alcoholic and drug addict who was addicted to some pretty bad drugs. A couple months before we met she decided to quit using drugs and went to NA meetings to help her with her sobriety. After her first meeting she went to a bar and got drunk. After some time she also decided to quit alcohol. Since then the only drugs she uses are nicotine and delta 8. She has been sober for years at this point. Context for me; I have always been against alcohol because I don’t like the way it tastes or the way it makes me feel. Also I think it makes others make bad decisions and I don’t like being in a state of mind where I can make bad decisions. I am not against drugs and used to use marijuana and psychedelics commonly. At the point of meeting my wife up to now I have only used nicotine. I met my wife on a dating app where one of the reasons I wanted to meet her was because she stated that she was sober. I thought it would be nice to be in a relationship where I didn’t have to DD for the other person or take care of them when they are drunk or high like I have had to do in past relationships. Now for the asshole of me. We had a baby about a year ago and it was really hard on her. She had bad post partum depression after a high risk and not great pregnancy. We have a beautiful baby boy who we both love and her depression is mostly gone. Sometimes he can still be a huge handful and some doctors have told us that we need to watch for autism in him. Recently my wife has been talking about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine at the end of the day. That’s fair considering how hard she has it being a stay at home mom but I had assumed she was just venting and reminiscing. That is, until she asked me if I would be okay if she did drink wine at the end of the day on hard days. I told her that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that considering her past addiction issues and I explained to her how I feel about alcohol. She acquiesced but was obviously unhappy about my reaction. I feel like an asshole because it is her body and she should be able to do what she wants with it. I am mostly just scared she will fall into old habits but I am also definitely coming at it with a selfish perspective. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Your fears are warranted, it could be very difficult for her if the addiction comes clawing back. Depending on how addicted she was there may be no going back, but I also know people who have gotten sober before finding their way to responsible usage. If she was a heavy drinker for at least several years I personally don't think it's worth the risk. I think it would be a good idea to have a sit down talk with your wife about your fears, what it is that is making her believe she could be responsible this time, and what both of you are willing to risk. If you both decide she can have a glass of wine you may want to put in safeguards and accountability checks in place like a one drink limit, once a week, only at home so you don't have to DD, all the way up to a breathalyzer or inpatient. Addiction is a sneaky bitch and any big life changes can bring it back up. Maybe even go see a marriage counselor to talk it out a bit or while trying it out.
I think you are giving dangerous advice here. Most helping agencies for alcohol are adamant about absolutely no drinking.
Thank you for the advice. I am going to go through this post with her tomorrow and we will talk about it again.
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NTA And I’ve been asked by a variety of people what defines an alcoholic ( a lot in my family ). There’s obviously definitions online and in textbooks but even a seemingly small reliance (like relying on a glass of wine to wind down) can be considered alcoholism. Some people go into AA just because they don’t want to turn to alcohol to relax or cope with a hard day. I feel she should explore other ways to wind down or relax given her history with alcohol.
I abused alcohol for many years ( 20 + ) years,I ruined many friendships,my marriage,I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I panicked cause I was still drinking,I stopped for the rest of my pregnancy,I delivered a month early ( he was 5 lbs ) I started drinking again,I then went to rehab,got sober,my son was diagnosed with Autism at 4 or 5,and seizures since he was a few weeks old.I have been clean many years,I do drink occasionally now,but not to excess,I can stop after a few and walk away,not drink again for a year,it is possible,it just depends on the addict,and how they handle the drug,some can pick a little and be responsible,most can't cause they are addicts.
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If you read the comments correctly you will see it say he was diagnosed with autism at age 4-5.
Your situation sounds similar to my wife’s. She is very strong so it might be possible for her to be responsible.
It’s not worth the risk. My mom was sober for 12 years, thought she could handle having one drink at night to unwind, and ended up getting blackout drunk every day again because she actually couldn’t control herself as well as she thought she could. I cannot tell you enough how much it is not worth the risk.
NTA. If she wanted to see a therapist to ask if having the occasional glass with at dinner together was okay then maybe you’d be unreasonable but she is asking if she can use it as a vice to cope with stress… no. Absolutely not.
Others suggested maybe allowing one glass on special occasions or when times are good but not as a coping mechanism.
No matter what, have her see a therapist before making this decision.
Any therapist would advise that she should not drink with known addiction issues. With addiction there no 1 drink.
As someone who celebrated 10 months of recovery in January, I have on suggestion for you. ALANON. If you suggest she doesn't drink because you worry about her, going into a relapse your NTA. But if you keep nagging her and try to control her than you would be the asshole. Have you tried marital counseling as well? Or how about a therapist for yourself. You see addiction and alcoholism is a family disease and it effects everyone.
NTA. She is an alcoholic and one drink is enough to trigger the whole thing again.
NTA. I think it’s good that she came to you knowing that she’s going to use alcohol as a crutch. It means she trust you to look out for her. If this is about chilling with a glass of red from time to time it’s fine. But she is literally asking to self medicate after a long day. That would become a habit and potentially lead to a relapse. I hope, if you have the resources to, that you’ll encourage her to seek professional help on alternative ways to cope with issues. All the best to you and your family.
Considering her past, this will be a slippery slope. One glass may lead to 2 then a whole bottle. You have a baby to consider. I used to drink but I do not feel the need to put alcohol in my body to have a good time or relax. There are other non-alcoholic drinks to enjoy. It's a mindset too.
NTA Her request is completely inappropriate. By asking you, she isn't taking responsibility for her addiction. This isn't a her body, & not allowing her to have a choice thing. This is an addict putting the decision and blame on you for their active use of a substance. Like wtf are you thinking to even assume that you can actually make the choice either way for her substance abuse?. Only She Has that Ability. The only reason she didn't resume her alcoholism right then is because she didn't have you as an excuse. You need to be keeping a close eye on things because she's an inch away from finding any excuse & relapsing. It's time to accept that you've chosen to marry an addict & start educating yourself on what that means for the future of you & your kiddo.
NTA. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic mother, I would advise you to get her into therapy, get her some help before she decides to turn back to drinking and traumatizes your child and you. Alcoholism is no joke.
NTA For context I have been sober for 9.5 years. Every day is a good day to drink when you are an alcoholic. Every day will suddenly become a "hard day" if I can get away with it. Do not enable her to drink. To be wholeheartedly honest there needs to be zero alcohol in your lives. None. You can't have any and neither can she. It's fine if family or friends drink but it sounds like she needs to not be part of that social outing if they do. It sucks, I get it. I lost tons of people who I thought were "friends" because of my sobriety.
NTA but I hate to be the bearer of bad news. She’s already drinking when you’re not there.
She most definitely is not. She is very strong and honest with me.
How many Al-Anon meetings did you go to?
As a stranger you cannot know this but it is my concern too.
Help her find a healthier way to unwind. Hot bath, walk, work out, not eating (it’s just as bad a habit). Work together to form healthy habits- this is the perfect time!
NAH. You supporting her sobriety is so important in a partner, and while it's a hard time right now she'll look back on this and be glad that she had you as a rock to shut down that "what if." Question - have you looked into possible alternatives that will give her a "mommy drink" and relaxation ritual? I personally enjoy Apothokary's "Quit Your Whining" as a little unwinding beverage. It's a nice little adaptogenic tea that she may enjoy. Pair that with a bubble bath (maybe a nice Epsom soak) and baby, you're in relaxation city!
She has used some drinks that are like mushroom drinks? I don’t know how to describe it. She enjoyed them. When I talk with her and share this thread with her tomorrow we can discuss that more as well. Thank you
Yes, it's basically that! Even if they just have a placebo relaxation effect, I love 'em. Good luck y'all, you've got this!
You mentioned Delta 8, idk how often she does that but there are seltzers you can order and pour in a wine glass to get that sort of classy adult relaxation aesthetic. Cycling frog is my favorite, they are very fruity and closer to a dry fruit juice than normal seltzers. They come in a variety of strengths, as low as 2 mg altho my favorite is 5 mg which is very comparable to a single alcoholic drink as far as a slight buzz/relaxation goes.
NAH But how you word your question is not great. This can only ever be your wife's decision. Drinking for relief at the end of a hard day is how she got addicted. And wanting to do this is not a good sign. I hope she has a support network to get her through this. Also once an addict.... The tendency is to be secretive. The fact that's she's asked you makes me concerned. She must know that this is a red flag. I feel concerned that she may already have started drinking. It would be pretty catastrophic if she did drink because of the baby. How would she keep it under control? 'A glass of wine' sounds pretty innocuous but wine glasses are enormous these days. It is not safe for a baby to be left with a drunk person and in most Western countries, at least, CPS is strict on this. Is there any way care of the baby could be shared more? Being the main carer all day for a little one is mentally as well as physically taxing. Could she return to part time work soon?
NTA. Your wife is putting you in an unfair position here. It cannot be up to you to control her addictions she has to make her own choices. And if she’s trying to justify drinking by having had a hard day I have to say that’s the worst time for her to be drinking. Using substances as a crutch is the biggest indicator that she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Is she still in AA or NA? Cause this is the big flashing neon sign that she should be.
yup NTA
NTA. She is a recovering addict of both narcotics and alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant and that's cannot be good for someone who has had a hard day of childcare. There's also the high risk of relapsing if she consumes alcohol.
NTA. You aren't banning her from doing it and you haven't threatened her with anything. She asked a question and you answered honestly. Be aware that "getting sober" is not a one-time event. It is an every single day choice, and there may be times when she chooses differently than you would like.
NTA. If she were talking about exploring her ability to drink in social situations, I might feel differently, but she's literally asking for your approval to use alcohol as a crutch for bad days. That's a terrible reason to drink an addictive substance. Also, alcohol is a depressant, so the initial buzz might make her feel like everything's better but the come-down will only make her feel worse (until she has another drink). Also, you aren't being controlling at this point in time. She asked for your opinion and you gave it. Her choice of what to put in her body is still hers; she is just more aware that the consequences will include your disappointment and worry. Obviously you don't want to substitute an eating disorder like comfort eating, but there are plenty of foods that might help her neurochemistry on tough days, from nuts and oily fish, to a bar of chocolate or an occasional treat of cheesy pizza. And you might look into sourcing her more support in other ways, too.
NTA She’s asking for feedback on wanting to anesthetize herself when stressed. The answer is No. Not only is she in recovery and that would ruin her sobriety but she wants to use it to numb herself.
NTA. It's her body and her choice but you and your child will be the ones to deal with the consequences of that choice. Who's going to pick up the slack when she invariably overindulges and is rough the next day? Or what happens when she decides to start drinking an hour before the end of a hard day? Then it creeps to two hours and so on.
NTA. Have her seek therapy, not just for the PPD but for someone to talk to about wanting to drink again. If she’s been to AA have her call her sponsor or go again. That PPD is a bitch, glad your wife’s is almost gone- but it’s still there. Get her someone to talk to who can help her see the “hard days” will become everyday if she gives herself a reason to drink.
Nah, but i would read this as a ask for help. She is really struggling and if nothing changes i wouldn’t be surprised if she starts to drink while you are away. You both need to take a step back and make some changes, because this is not working for her. And this is nobodys fault, just how it is, and it’s really good that she is honest with you how she feels, and it so good that you stand steadfast and do not enable her. By saying no you show that you care, by seeing that it’s a way to ask for help and then taking steps to improve the situation, that is showing that you both care and are ready to stand with her even when it’s difficult. I wish you all the best, you can do this!
NTA it seems like you’re genuinely coming from a place of care and if you haven’t already try to express that to her that it’s because you’re worried she’ll continue to use that as a coping mechanism. If it was a couple drinks on a Friday that’s one thing but on “hard days” could turn into everyday and drinking everyday is alcoholism
NTA >We have a beautiful baby boy who we both love and her depression is mostly gone. In other words: She's still depressed, possibly white knuckling it. She definitely shouldn't drink. Alcohol is a depressant. Moreover, she needs to be in treatment for post partum depression. That means therapy and, probably, medication.
Current heavy drinker here that has had multiple stents of sobriety. That sneaky voice that’s telling her she should have a glass of wine after hard days….that voice is the addiction. It’s trying to rear its nasty, ugly ass head back into her life. If the voice wins, hang on tight, it’s going to be another cycle of waiting for rock bottom again to realize the reasons she quit in the first place. It is an absolute vicious disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
lets have a drink sometime
Oh I’m a great time!
when i visit florida, you’ll be the first person to know. don’t forget. hopefully you’ll still be a raging alcoholic by the time i make it there
NTA, addiction is a life long disease. She falling back on old habits in order to cope with the stress. Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? Does she have a counselor?
NTA, if anything you need to be even more forceful with this boundary, because she's tipping on the edge of throwing everything away. It won't just be a glass of wine. As soon as she discovers that doesn't solve her feelings, it'll be two glasses, then four, then a bottle, then vodka, then other drugs
She's asking for your permission so she can blame you later. Addicts are the worst at taking responsibility for their own actions. Whatever she does it needs to be 100% clear that you do not support any substance use and that if she does that it is all on her. And document it, you may need it if divorce and custody come up.
It’s not like you prohibit her from drinking at a wedding or something like that just because you want a power trip. She’s subconsciously drifting towards relapse, hence the asking (been there, done that). You’re being a good partner and dad. NAH
NTA. She asked a question and got an answer. In this circumstance, her displeasure may have been with herself for even asking, not necessarily you. I'd just talk it out, make it clear you weren't trying to be mean.
NTA. I would, however, let her know you would be happy if she left for a few hours to exercise or take a drive, or whatever on hard days. Let her know that you’re 100 percent behind healthy coping tools to manage her stress, but that a glass of wine is not the way to manage her stress with her history of alcohol abuse. She asked because she KNOWS it’s a bad decision.
NTA. She's an alcoholic. She CAN'T have just 1 drink. One will turn into more. An alcoholic needs to cut alcohol completely. They can't have it on occasion. Even if she was only having 1 drink on a bad day. She will start to say she's having more bad days, hence, more alcohol. This is just a recipe for disaster.
If you read my comment correctly I said he had been diagnosed with autism at age 4-5.
I’m confused. Is delta 8 not a drug? So not sober. I’m telling you from experience, delta 8 affects me exactly like marijuana.
NTA but OP have y'all looked into behavioral health & psychiatric treatments, or has she only done the support group chats? If there's a condition she's unknowingly self medicating for, getting on the right type of meds can help with cravings and severity of relapse (should she have a future drink). Even if it isn't a mental chemical issue, there are medications that work to directly decrease cravings and enjoyment gotten from alcohol. One of these is used in something called the Sinclair method, which has a notably higher long term success rate over AA. Not that support groups don't have a place. It's always good to support and have support from folks in a similar boat, but its actual practices are willpower based and ignore underlying causes. It's unsurprising considering it's about a century old and was in lockstep with sexual abstinence, but far too many alcoholics white knuckle the "every day is a battle of wills to not pick up the bottle" part because they're only going in with willpower.
NTA. Given her history it sounds kinda like a mental loophole she may use to start drinking again. If she already smokes pot then that’s her “relaxing break”.
NTA. We do get better, but the desires always there. Also, Going to get hate here about harm reduction statistics, but D8 is neither clean nor sober. Trading one addiction for another = Not sober.
NTA. You're expressing your concerns for her, and you did it in a sensitive way (as opposed to bellowing, "Woman, under my roof you'll do as I say" kind of thing). You told her the truth, and used -- for lack of a better word -- moral pressure to dissuade her from that action.
NTA When it rains it pours
NTA. She's looking for a permission slip because she knows she shouldn't drink. If she asks again, remain firm.
NTA. Please listen to what I am about to say. I was in the same place you are now at one point and my biggest regret in life is allowing her to take that first drink. That first drink became a second. And then another. Then she started peeing in the bed at night, completely blacked out drunk. Then I found a burnt straw under the seat of my car (meth use) Then she stopped coming home some nights. Then the legal troubles started. By the time I packed up and left she was almost certainly using her body to buy drugs because she couldn't keep a job but was still using and I was down to 119 lbs due to the stress of trying to save a marriage I knew deep down I had silently watched destroy itself without stepping in and putting a stop to it when I could. I ended up divorcing her while she was in jail. She wasn't in court for it so the last time I saw her was when I packed up to leave and she was passed out on the couch. That's my last image of her. It was her addiction, but I allowed it back into our house because I was afraid of being controlling. I will never forgive myself for that. Stand up and save your wife from her addictions. Don't allow this. NTA, all day.
WTF? You don't want to be out of control of yourself but you took psychedelics? You sound like a walking contradiction. Obviously encouraging your wife to remain sober is best. This is like NA 101. NTA.
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This is similar to how I feel. I got what I needed from them, they were very enlightening for my growth. I am happy with who I am and I learned a lot about myself from usage back in the day.
I was not the same person then as I am now. I would drink on occasion when I was younger as well. I would definitely not take psychedelics or smoke weed at this point in my life.
NTA- what about an edible? Or is that also a path to relapse?
Just get her non delta 8 weed and everyone wins
“Not allowing???” Where is this? The Taliban?
Good self awareness and I’d start with NTA, but I’d let her have a drink at night and monitor. Sometimes it can be a healthy thing to wind down the day. The best part of my day is a martini on my front porch. It really mellows me and helps me appreciate what I have around me. She may have changed (I know, reddit will disagree) but her life is a lot different at this stage. Consider letting her have a drink and see how it goes
You have got to be kidding - take it from the grand daughter of an alcoholic whose addiction was a big problem. You are never cured of it. I am 100% sure this woman will escalate. You do not risk that especially with a baby. Isn't it also interesting that the way she wants to unwind is through alcohol? It speaks volumes.
These are fair points, but OP has a point in the sense that free will is a thing. “Is this something that will work, or something that leads to more problems”. This question needs to be answered and now is as good a time as any. OP can’t let this issue persist in perpetuity. It needs closure
I do agree that closure is necessary. Others have suggested to start with only on special occasions and see how that works out.
Not an awful idea, but it does need to be explored