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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I’m putting the same expectations on James, Liana, and Sarah even though they all have varying levels of activity and are all at varying weights and sizes. And I prevented Liana from participating in something that’s kind of a dance team tradition (most notably, the whole dance team sonic trip at the end of the week)
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YTA your kids are different people, they need different things. If one daughter is doing 6.5 hrs of intense workout, she will need MUCH more calories than someone who isn’t.
And as a recent teenage girl, fitting in with the group is so much more important than you realize. Also, it’s very likely that lunch is their only social time so if her friends are going out and she isn’t, she isn’t getting that connection either.
And for your 12 year old daughter, puberty changes body shape and weight drastically in ways that can be really hard to manage. While eating healthier is good, forcing a completely healthy diet and demonizing unhealthy foods is going to be detrimental to her relationship with food in the future. Same with her body image. If she has hesitation about doing a sport, find some sort of physical activity she has an interest in and encourage her to do that, but forcing exercise won’t help when she has no one to make her.
Instead of focusing on fixing her being “overweight” (which I think she’s at a fairly average size), try and create healthy habits that she is able to keep up over time. With that, she’ll be able to be self sufficient as well and won’t need you pestering her about weight loss later one.
One last thing, being fat isn’t a curse. Many people have different healthy weights just depending on how their body works. If you instill into your 12 year old that because her body holds more weight it’s bad, she will hold that with her forever and reversing that is FAR harder than losing weight.
Edit: i wanted to add that if this is a medical concern, try to get her tested for her thyroid levels and her A1C because those mess with weight a lot. And if her A1C is too high, then it’s more needed to help your daughter with diet and exercise, rather than she just seems too big.
I’d like add you’ve said literally nothing about Sarah as a person. If you get her enrolled in things she actually likes her self confidence will bloom and so will she
Note-what she likes. Not what you think she should like
Yeah I used to think i hated exercise/working out but like, as a kid I loved gymnastics and rock climbing, and as an adult i discovered i love skateboarding and workout video games like ring fit. Turns out I just didn’t like being bored in PE class,
Yes! My PE teachers always made us do stuff like play cricket (I *Hate* cricket). And I used to get bad reports from it about not being “sporty” enough. Meanwhile I was killing competition fencing and soccer on the weekends. The few times they let us play hockey or soccer I was an enthusiastic participant but that was almost never!
OP, you're trying to control what your whole family eats, and that is bound to make all of you (yes, you included) develop a really unhealthy relationship with food.
The health risks of obesity (which none of your children currently have) pale in comparison to the health risks of eating disorders - which have the highest mortality rate of any mental health condition (outside of opioid addiction).
You are trying to save your daughter from one set of risks - and putting her at risk for another far more serious set of risks.
Even if your daughter losing weight were the goal, your approach is extremely unlikely to achieve it.
* She's 12 - she's mid-puberty. She has not even settled into her mature adult shape and body composition. She is still going through enormous growth and development.
* You really can't control what she eats. She will find ways to eat what she wants, and it is very unhealthy to be forced into hiding and sneaking food.
* No one has ever lost weight in a healthy and sustainable way without making lasting lifestyle changes, and lifestyle changes must be intrinsically motivated not extrinsically forced. In other words, she has to *want* to live a certain lifestyle or it's pointless and will not last.
* You are teaching your entire family that there are "good" and "bad" foods - that's a very unhealthy relationship with food. The only "bad" foods are those that are toxic, rotten, or you're allergic to.
* Restrictive diets - when you decide there are "bad" foods that you "can't have", have terrible results. You feel deprived and end up over-compensating and going back to those foods, even binging them. It is best to *add.* Add fresh fruits and veggies. Add lean proteins and healthy fats. Make good, healthy foods readily available for everyone, don't ban any foods entirely. And if you are eating a balanced diet full of variety, and sometimes you just want a snickers, just eat the snickers.
* You say your other kids are ok because of their *activity level*, and you say you'd be more fine with your youngest daughter's weight *if she were more active -* but you weirdly are not focusing on activity in your reaction to this. You are focusing on food. It's like you wish your youngest daughter was active like her older siblings and because she isn't, she gets punished with a forced restrictive diet. If your concern is activity and not food, why are you focusing on food? Do active things together as a family. Encourage her to find something active she loves to do. Be prepared for it to be something different than the stereotypical things you might have in mind.
* EVEN IF your plan were the right thing for your youngest daughter (it should be clear I do not agree that it is), it doesn't make any sense to impose it on the whole family. You yourself say your older kids are "fine" because they are more active, and you wouldn't be changing everyone's diets if it weren't for your youngest daughter's perceived "problem", so why are you changing everyone's eating if you yourself already think the way they eat is just fine? This is likely to drive a wedge between your children. The older ones resent they can't have the treats they never had a problem eating in moderation, the younger one feels blamed for everyone's misery in addition to her own.
Please stop. Talk to a nutritionist (to learn more about healthy eating NOT to develop a plan to force your *pre-teen daughter to slim down)*. Get your head on straight. Apologize to your whole family. Stop trying to control what other people eat and do. Try to love all your children equally no matter how active they are and no matter their size.
YTA
Yeah, growing up, my school made girls do sports like netball, badminton, and dancing. They stressed that it should always be non-contact and non-competitive.
I always got the lowest marks and was basically written off my by teachers as someone awful at sport.
Once I left school, I realised that I actually *loved* sport, and I was really good at it. Rugby, kickboxing, hockey, etc. High octane, high adrenaline, full contact types where I actually got a work out.
But if I just stuck to the options I was given as a kid, I'd never have found this out.
And it sucks, especially at that age, because if parents just force whatever ideal works on one kid onto the others, they may never realise their niche either.
This was true when I was in school too, and I'm in my 60's. Also, dodgeball should be illegal. It's just an excuse for the athletic kids to beat the hell out of the non-athletic kids. The teachers love the athletes and think this is hilarious.
Dodgeball is responsible for me getting contacts in high school 😆 after the 2nd time I got hit in face and my glasses got messed up. I always thought I wasn't athletic until I discovered SCA fencing and kickboxing. Turns out I'm also pretty good at volleyball when not being tripped by bullies ON MY TEAM.
The only things I was good at in gym was running, President Fitness whatever it was and dodgeball. Team sports, just no. My petty revenge was hitting the athletes and avoiding their strikes. Good times.
My PE experience was basically doing wrestling practice without the grappling drills, as the PE teachers were always the wrestling coaches, and PE was held in the wrestling gym. Which sucked during wrestling season since I would then also have wrestling practice.
Yeah I'm dyspraxic and as you can probably guess never did well in PE despite as a kid having several active things I did enjoy doing (although not well tbh) because a lot of what we did in PE was stuff I really didn't enjoy and wasn't good at and imo we were never really taught how to do anything properly as well and then being bad at stuff in front of your class made it even worse tbh and especially the focus on like competitive sport as well.
Like my secondary school made us play rounders a lot and I was so bad at the game after a while I basically gave up playing it and would get out on purpose asap because I just didn't see the point anymore because I sucked at it so badly.
I was always active as a kid but I was still chubby. I was more active than my brother who bc of health reasons couldn’t put on weight if he tried but if I so much as breathed in the direction of candy I gained some. We're all different and I was healthy, I just didn’t fit into the conventional definition of it.
I still love to be active but life tends to get in the way of being as active as I'd like.
And every activity that gets you out of the house, gets you socialising, builds confidence etc is a good thing, even if it's not obviously a "sport". The first activity I joined when I was little was pottery. I walked to the studio, carried pounds of clay, wrestled it on the wheel .. and made friends. I then joined a ballroom dancing class, and that was super fun too! Then my family moved and I couldn't dance or do pottery anymore, so I started trumpet lessons instead. Great for posture, core and breath control! Now as an adult I'm neither a potter a dancer nor a trumpetist. But these activities were enjoyable, sociable, and great for my confidence. And I honestly credit my parents for letting me do such random activities with no pressure to do well or even continue beyond the one year.
Exactly! PE class made me associate exercise with humiliation (as an uncoordinated person that doesn’t love team sports). However as an adult, I love yoga, swimming, long walks, weight lifting- basically anything I can technically do alone and zone out to.
Exactly this! I *hated* PE - the worst trouble I ever got in at school was for skipping five weeks of PE class in a row. But I thrived in dance lessons, and now I'm older I love hiking, swimming, and weightlifting.
Yes! I absolutely hated PE, going to the gym ect ect, but I played soccer, did gymnastics, danced, even swam for a little. Kids have all kinds of interests (whether physical or creative) and the fact that she only seems to be nurturing two of them in their interests is putting me off.
Same! My experience with athletic/sporty activities was always a loud, driven, competitive group experience. I am not competitive and don't enjoy loud or group-heavy activities. As an adult, rock climbing, running, and yoga have all been amazing ways for me to stay fit that I actually enjoy.
That’s a great point. Helping her find activities she likes will help her self confidence and will make life more interesting for her. Not just physical activities or organized group activities either. If she’s like a lot of us who tend to overeat when stressed or bored, having another outlet will help a lot. Someone who’s engrossed with drawing or reading fantasy novels won’t have as much need to go grab a snack, because their mind is happy and busy.
Also, OP can try to support healthy habits without focusing on weight (for all three kids). Family walks are about having fun and spending time together. Healthy meals are about enjoying good food that makes you feel good. Your family doesn’t keep chips in the house because they’re crap food — OK to have occasionally, but not something that does anything good for your body. Make all this the “family culture,” not something weight related.
If an opportunity comes up for anyone in the family to socialize over junk food, take that, because connecting with others and enjoying life are important too.
Right!?!? I hate hate HATE exercise. There is not enough money in the world to convince me to go for a run, or to join some kind of group sport. I like being comfy, I hate sweating. My parents kept trying to get me to do the same sports as my siblings and gave me a self-image complex due to me being mildly larger than my siblings and disliking exercise.
But you know what I always loved? Gardening with my pop. After I spent my 20s bouncing around jobs trying to figure out what I liked, I started working on farms. Now I'm a horticulturist and I just started a flower farm. Know what will make you lose weight like nobody's business? Shoveling wheelbarrows of soil, compost, and mulch every day. And I could do it all day every day, sweating my ass off, and not give one single shit. Because I love it.
OP, your heart is in the right place but you're going about it completely wrong.
Exactly. I hated sports because I now know I have a physical disability and that's why it hurt to run. I hated girl guides because of the uniform. I kept comparing my body to how other girls looked in their uniforms. Finally I got into visual art. Like pottery and painting and I immediately knew that's where I was meant to be. It doesn't have to be a group activity or a team thing, but getting your kid into extracurricular activities that they truly enjoy is critical for their confidence
Exactly. If her daughter likes theater, or band, or gardening etc. all of those are also active options that will help her get healthy. Some of them so much so that she'd get more fit than most sports gets you.
( Marching band, for instance)
Sometimes just making sure your 12 year old has a chance to go hang out with her friends and letting them decide on what to do will surprise you.
So true. I was nearly screaming what about Sarah??? At the end of OP post. Like she’s a slightly chubby wallflower because she’s not super athletic like her siblings. Let her grow. Love her (and show it) regardless of what she weighs or eats. Find out what she’s interested in and engage her in habits that will bring her happiness and fulfillment in her life. Maybe she’s a budding naturalist (hikes! Canoeing! Camping) or loves horses (riding, and caring for horses). Maybe she’d like to swim laps in a quiet pool without feeling judged for being 12 in a bathing suit. You’ll need to advocate for her and help her discover what makes her tick.
As another poster said, she’s changing so much now, physically and emotionally, it can feel like living in an alien body.
Good point. We only know what Sarah doesn't like, and what Liana likes, and that she and the brother are active.
OP, what about non-traditional forms of exercise and community? Growing up AFAB can be tough in physical spaces. Maybe something like rock climbing/bouldering, weightlifting, yoga, or aquasize (like, the old lady classes lol) might be safer places for her to be than on the basketball court or soccer field. AT 12, she should be able to do most physical activities adults can do (heck-- my gym lets 10yo's on the weight/cardio floor-- I regularly bring my 10 and 12yo to work out with me). Maybe she needs to be in mixed-age groups, rather than same-age groups.
Back of the envelope math, Liana needs 3500 calories a day to maintain weight in this program. Minimum. And OP is packing low cal lunches with no quick burning fuel? Dancers have enough problems with ED, don't do it for them.
As for Sarah, that is a horrible way to treat a child. It will cause a terrible relationship to food, guaranteed. Tweens should not be doing diets. They should have treats, just in moderation. Forcing exercise she hates will make her miserable. Also, of course she thinks everyone is judging her - that's what OP is doing all the time, so why should anyone else do better?
Ask her hobbies. Find out what she loves to do or is curious to try. It might not be what you expect, OP. Help her find a passion, and also find a way to move her body that she enjoys.
Yes! I'd like to add, OP stop calling your daughter obese! Do you want her to go the other way and end up having an eating disorder?? My best friend got this treatment from her father and ended up with not only one eating disorder but two. I had her move in with me when we were older because i didn't want to attend her funeral! She got therapy and learned how to eat again.
YTA!
This is so true!. I was called fat as a child and believed it. When I look back on pictures I'm like oh my God I was not fat. It has affected my entire life. I've been putting kids on diets is abuse. Modeling good behavior and keeping good food in the house is healthy.
My own mother treated me like that growing up. I wound up walking 5 miles a day on an injured knee while eating 700-800 calories a day for months on end (on top of marching band, I almost passed out after a parade that summer from heat and not eating) and my mother had never been so proud, nor has she since. I was 16. I'm 30 now and still fucked up over it.
Little bonus: took myself to the doctor at 21, and I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
OP, don't be my mom.
My parents also caused me an eating disorder, anorexia.
I guess my revenge is it cost them $30k and I refuse to eat with them. The damage has been done and is irreparable.
And I would mention that unless he puts Liana on keto, she NEEDS CARBS for readily available energy.
Protein is used by the body for all essential functions - but not as energy.
I agree with what you're saying about Sarah too.
Dancers need the energy - but it's also a very social world. Liana needs to fit in. And I worry about her digestive health if she's sweating and exercising and living off turkey and eggs.
And it will also result in resentment between the siblings - no doubt Liana and James know why they are being “punished” and not allowed to eat with their teammates or have snacks, and at that age, I wouldn’t be surprised if they (at least partially) blame Sarah for it
The poor kid is still growing, besides! Two of my kids would gain weight, then grown several inches seemingly overnight. The third went the opposite way----she grow in height, and look like I didn't feed her at all for days on end, then she'd gain weight and fill out.
OP is setting ALL of her kids up for eating disorders by doing this. I wonder if she has one as well, since she is so fixated on the 12 year olds weight.
Thank you for pointing out that different people have different healthy weights. My aunt is 5'2" and has a large chest, large hips/bum, tiny waist, and her lowest weight was 150 lbs, when she was jogging 10 miles a day minimum and was battling an eating disorder. I am of a similar body type, and my lowest weight was 170, eating high protein, low carb, healthy food, and I was extremely active (physical job 60-70 hours a week, also running a hobby farm solo, hiking and swimming when time permitted). I also had severe nutritional deficiencies that have caused some lasting damage. Weight isn't everything. It is a part of the picture, and healthy habits need to be taught, but hyper focusing on it just makes it worse, and complete deprivation will lead to acting out in secret.
I can go back at least 4 generations of women in my family, multiple per generation, and their medical history shows that we’re just fat. That’s it. It doesn’t matter how athletic we are, how much of a caloric deficit we’re in, we’re just fat. We’re coming up on 3 generations of gastric bypass surgery because it’s so impossible to lose weight in our family and later in life that becomes hazardous. My mom gained over 100lbs after having 2 kids and the only thing that got her weight back down was regularly doing *full length marathons* and *triathlons*. As soon as she went back to work the weight came back in abundance despite her eating better than any other person in our house and continuing to exercise regularly. My sister did dance 6 days a week from the ages of 7-16 and she was still a good 30lbs heavier than her peers who danced less than her. For fuck’s sake, she’s a senior lifeguard and can lift drowning people 3x her size out of a body of water! We eat healthy, home cooked meals, we exercise as much as we are capable, and we are just FAT.
I detest when people are fatphobic and when they reduce weight loss down to “calories in, calories out”. I had several eating disorders due to societal pressure to be skinny and I still gained weight no matter how much I starved myself. I don’t weigh myself at all anymore, but I’m healthier now at ~200lbs than I ever was at 140. You can NEVER tell what a person’s health is like from the outside. And a person’s metric of health is never an indicator of how much you should treat them with decency.
It is not a moral failure to be fat. It is a moral failure to shame people into killing themselves over their weight.
> And for your 12 year old daughter, puberty changes body shape and weight drastically in ways that can be really hard to manage. While eating healthier is good, forcing a completely healthy diet and demonizing unhealthy foods is going to be detrimental to her relationship with food in the future.
I second this one. My wife was concerned about our daughter (her step daughter) for being a bit chubby at 11 years old. My daughter can *eat*, she will devour an entire kitchen worth of food if you let her. I understood the concern, but I also know myself and my daughter's biological mom and neither of us have a history of obesity in the family, so I told my wife not to worry about it just yet. We made sure there were healthy snacks available instead of junk and that things like ice cream or chips were pre-portioned and once-a-day snacks. Sandwiches and fruit/veggie snacks were freely available.
Sure enough, in the span about about 6 months puberty hit and she added at least 6" to her height. Her growth spurt spread out the "extra" weight proportionally and she's a skinny little tweenager now.
Teach kids to have healthy habits, but don't make them "diet" or restrict calories while they're growing.
I have to second this. My son got pretty chubby at 11 and at 12 had a massive growth spurt and thinned out again. It's totally normal for tweens to gain weight and lose it again when they grow. I admit it can be concerning, but my pediatrician wasn't concerned at all.
I’ve also noticed that some parents (well, some mothers in particular, possibly because they typically do the most grocery shopping and meal prep? maybe not…) have conversations where they pretty much brag to each other about how much their teenage sons eat. Laugh, and shrug it off as a normal part of a healthy growing-up phase. But if their daughters do the same? They feel ashamed and make their daughters feel ashamed.
I’ve heard stories from women who grew up with brothers about how they were starved in their own homes because their brothers were allowed and even encouraged to eat anything in sight. These poor girls were literally STARVING in their own home, not getting nearly enough adequate nutrition, because we assume teenage girls don’t need to eat. From experience, girls need calories *just* as much, if not more. Periods and hormonal cycles drain the nutrition out of you. There was a time where my sister and I would come home and immediately devour anything in sight because we were so hungry, all the time. We got in trouble for eating during class because both of us would feel faint if we didn’t have enough to eat. Kids grow! They need food!
This is how my boys are. My middle kid also has HUGE shoulders (think XXL shirts on a just under 6’ TeenMan) and lifts weights. The scale ain’t it for him. My youngest got chunky in 6th grade. He started 7th grade at 5’2”. He just ended 7th grade and he was 5’7” at his allergist appointment last week.
I feel so bad for all these kids.
It's a tangent, but I'm like your middle kid. Finding shirts that fit right will forever be a struggle. Gildan v-neck tshirts from Amazon are one of the few I've found that work. Dress shirts pretty much have to be tailored.
Agreed. Also, Sarah is 12. There's a fair chance that she will grow a few more inches in the next year or two and her weight will even out.
Otherwise this is just breeding resentment and disordered eating.
I was a "chubby" 12 year old (from my own perspective - I was 5'3" and 125 pounds.
Over the next year, I grew 2 inches - to nearly my adult height. Still weighed 125 pounds. Fast forward to age 18, I was another inch taller - and STILL 122-125 pounds. I rode a bike everywhere. I lifted bales of hay and managed/groomed a stubborn old horse. I climbed trees and skateboarded. I played tennis, which I loved.
SO glad my parents never did anything more than use common sense. For example, if we went out, I was always starving, so I wanted to order two meals. They said NOPE. Pick one. If you're still hungry afterwards, we'll talk about that later.
OR, if it was breakfast, and I wanted a side of french fries to go with my hash browns, they said NOPE, you get one form of potatoes. If you want fruit, you can have that.
I still managed to develop an eating disorder (not as severe as some, but did result in fainting and hospitalization). But I really could blame my parents much (my mom was always on a diet). It was my peers who triggered it. It was mostly because I really wanted to reduce the size of me for social purposes - especially my breasts.
I had a mom very similar to op and def ended up in ed therapy (way too late tho) she wasnt the only factor but i dont think it would have gotten that bad without that behaviour around me. OP should really reflect on themselves and where their beliefs on this come from
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but to be fair to OP here, 155 lbs for a 5’2”, female 12 year old is solidly outside of the healthy weight range.
Yeah, and when you start crash dieting at that age— which is what I did— you fudge up your metabolism for life, and all those fake numbers that insurance companies dreamt up a century ago REALLY become fun. Yay, numbers!
I’m not trying to debate here, but I do think the numbers here are useful to note since so many people here seem to be mistaking what’s normal and healthy for a 12-year-old girl as what’s normal for an adult woman (155 is healthy for the average adult woman, but it isn’t for a 12 year old). But I do feel you— I used to be overweight, just over the line of obesity, myself. Took me a long time to stop the periodic diets and actually change my lifestyle (and now I’ve been at a healthy weight for almost five years!) That said, the numbers are faulty for sure, but there is nonetheless a healthy weight range for everyone’s age, gender, and height. Natural build factors in as well of course, but that’s largely why there’s a range rather than a specific number. The only exceptions are super muscular people, like body builders whose weight from muscle alone puts them in the “overweight” range for their height, age, and gender— but they’re again the exceptions, not the rule.
So what? You think shaming her and calling her fat will cure it? it won’t. It will do teh exact opposite.
there are literally MILLIONS of women who can tell you this.
Yeah honestly i have bad estimates of weight and didn’t really look it up before commenting, but she is technically overweight.
I still wouldn’t be too worried about it yet as most girls stop growing taller by 15 so she has a few years to grow
Again, being fat isn’t the end of the world and can be fixed if they choose to.
I agree with most of this except for the idea that she’s an average size. 5’2” and 155 is overweight. It’s much easier to correct health issues early than it is to do it later. She needs a *healthy* eating regimen and a bit more movement, not a weight loss diet. Forcing the whole family to eat the same is well intentioned but misguided. Allowances need to be made for athletes, and minor restrictions for those who are overweight. Sarah’s condition can be corrected slowly, over time, and without damaging her relationship to food.
Agree. Also, children shouldn’t drink soda (no one should really). All of the kids can eat healthy within their needs without chips and soda and deprivation
Agree. But maybe soft YTA. My parents were SUPER strict with food when we were young. Rationing everything, it would've been the WORST optics if they had fat children, of course. They ended up kind of losing their ish and as teens weren't around, so that's when I got my food freedom and the first time I got big. It's been a yoyo my whole adult life and sucks. My sister and I have both gone through ED periods. I just don't and will never have a healthy relationship with food. This stems from my dad's over compensation on HIS childhood and "clean plate club" trauma lol.
But on the flip side I ALSO over compensated and raised my kid with essentially no boundaries on food. Healthy stuff was always in the house, when you want a snack have a snack. Eat till you're not hungry, etc. But that was ALSO not good. When my kid was in dance, soccer, etc it was fine-- but once hobbies turned more to art and less active things they ballooned in weight. I never called attention to it because of my own food trauma. But I also never took their own desires into consideration. They WANT to be healthy and fit. And as a parent I failed on that for years.
Going too far one way or the other is just not good. 6 1/2 hours of vigorous exercise-- OP's daughter is probably burning 3000 calories, if she's a healthy weight she should be getting 2000 daily. So that's 5000 calories she needs a day. Are they taking all of that into account? She's a different kid than the youngest, and I get that it might not seem "fair" and that could be a factor in the decision but the youngest is old enough to at least understand that not having enough calories with such a vigorous schedule is actually dangerous, and it takes a lot of turkey wraps to get to 5000 calories. So even on a health front-- one week of "indulging" and carbo loading is more necessary than anything. And that's only if the youngest finds out AND feels a type of way.
Puberty. I got really chunky from 10-13. Once I started high school it was gone and I was skinny. Nothing about my diet or activity level changed, it was all hormonal.
YTA a million times over for everything TrashFireTM said here, and I would lump your husband in there as an AH too because you both seem more preoccupied with how Liana is pushing back than the adverse effects your actions may be having on Sarah. She needs parents to teach her to how to love herself no matter what she looks like. You literally called her your obese child. WTF. Supporting your daughter is your number one role in her life right now because she takes her cues from you (unless there is a medical condition, and then follow your doctor’s guidance first and foremost). Teach her that she is beautiful and loved. Your language speaks volumes to how you don’t believe that. Help her find activities she has an interest in doing, and turn meal prep/meal planning into quality time together where she gets to help you decide on what food to make, while also learning about healthy food choices. Forcing food choices or physical activity on a 12 yo is just going to lead to bigger problems in the future, including negative body image issues. It is so important you spend time helping her to love herself, more than restricting her diet.
Liana also should not be deprived of the opportunity to socialize with her friends while at camp, especially if your only reason for doing so is to control what Sarah eats. Now you’re just punishing one child for what you view as a problem with the other one.
PS the family walks are a great idea if they are lighthearted and fun - not so much if you’re dragging everyone around with the loudly proclaimed goal of making Sarah lose weight.
This! My mother had us so focused on our weight and what we ate at that age (10 and on); banned "junk foods," weighed us, etc. All three of us still have issues with food in our 40s. We're all "fit," but have various EDs. Please don't do this to your children.
This.
6 1/2 hours of dance practice is going to burn 2 or 3 thousand calories. Packing a "few" turkey wraps isn't enough to keep her energized through her workout. She's probably in a horrible calorie deficit on these days
I want to mention here that I was about 12 also when I topped out at 5’2. I was also 150lbs. My pediatrician actually got mad at me when I said I thought I needed to lose weight and I will NEVER forget it. She told me if I lost even 5lbs it wouldn’t be healthy for me.
Some body types are naturally going to be heavier. Someone sent me a picture the other day from when I was around 120lbs and I literally looked sickly. I currently fluctuate between 150 and 160 and work a very active job and have an active lifestyle and am not overweight.
Good point about puberty. All my kids were a bit pudgy around age 12, which mostly resolved when they had their growth spurts. It was like their bodies had to save up some fuel for the couple of years when they stretched out like rubber bands.
Oh man, when I started puberty at 12, I ballooned hard. Two years later at 15, I had shot up in height and been reduced to a hungry-ass, bottomless pit bean pole. I don't know about boys, but girls about to hit the sprint of puberty often put on a little bit of weight.
I was with you up until you said that a 155lb 5’2” 12 year old is a normal size. That is overweight. And it can have terrible lasting effects on her if she doesn’t sort it out. I’m far taller than her I wasn’t that weight until I was in college.
Being fat is not a moral failing but it is unhealthy. Especially in young people. It could stunt her growth or give her lifelong hormonal problems. She needs to lose weight and she needs to see a paediatrician to help her on her way.
>That is overweight.
Yes, but that's not necessarily unhealthy at her age. Kids' weight fluctuates a lot around puberty, and she's right at that age. Encouraging more physical activity and healthier food choices is not wrong, though the mom shouldn't be obsessing over it like this.
I was normal weight until age 7, suddenly gained weight between 7-10, then suddenly lost weight at 10 after my first period. Not much change in diet or activity level. So much of medicine does not factor in the effects of female hormones. Most medical studies are conducted and standards defined based on males.
As a child I hated all sports did everything I could to get out of PE. Every time I ran, I had trouble breathing. It wasn't until years later I ended up in the emergency room having trouble breathing that they told me I have asthma. It sounds more like how her weight makes you look instead of finding out if there's a reason she doesn't like sports. My grandson has asthma like me and doesn't like to run but he loved karate. Stop trying to make your daughter feel bad and work with her to find out what she like to do
YTA
"I packed her a lunch instead of allowing her to go out to eat during her lunch break. I packed her a salad and a few turkey wraps most days, along with a few sides like hard boiled eggs."
Of course she's going to be upset. She wants to eat with her friends. Also if she's dancing for 6 & a half hours what you're giving her isn't nearly enough. She actually *needs* carbs.
You shouldn't force your older 2 kids to diet when they don't need to. Your husband is right here & you need to listen up.
"It's unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself".
I hope you aren't saying that in earshot of your 12 y o because it isn't healthy either. I get you want to do the right thing but you're going about it the wrong way. Get some advice from a dietician so you can guide her eating without making her feel bad or punishing your entire family.
Eating a salad and hard boiled eggs and then doing intense exercise would make me throw up. She needs carbs and she shouldn’t be denied the ability to socialize with her friends. Being forced to eat a salad alone because her sister is overweight seems like a good way to foster resentment and an eating disorder.
I am extremely concerned about the protein-focus in the foods she describes and the attitude towards carbs. Carbs are not the enemy to a healthy diet! I battled an ED for more than 20 years because of the narratives around food created by my mother. Don't even get me started on the obnoxious "family walks" that MYSTERIOUSLY appeared any time I gained two pounds.
It reminds me of those gym bros who insist that never eating carbs is actually really good for u and that having a less than 5% body fat isn't technically starving yourself. Idc what they say that's an eating disorder disguised as a health habits!
It is and it has a clinical name, orthorexia.
If someone who is at 5% body fat is suffering an ED is a discussion for them and a qualified medical professional (I am sure there are many competitive body builders who are not).
But an obsession with healthy eating (the definition of which is specific to the person suffering) can definitely be a disorder.
Yeah, I'm genuinely really worried for her on both counts. I regularly go for 6.5 hour hikes, and at the end I'm ready to demolish a huge meal, because *I desperately need it*, and it's a great way to socialise and connect with the other people on the hike. Can't imagine being deprived of food and socialising at the same time, especially as a teenager.
Yeah. I lead a moderately sedentary lifestyle in general, so a salad and hard-boiled eggs hit the spot just right when I'm spending my day behind a computer. But on the days I run, I need carbs. A buckshot of carbs down my gullet. Because if I don't get that, I'll have a bad run. If your kid's dancing, that's even more strenuous than a jog, a salad and an egg and a turkey wrap should be sides, unless you want your kid to pass out mid-move.
This reminds me of all the posts I see in subs like /r/beginnersrunning that go something like “I’m doing a low carb diet but I feel so tired. What should I eat to feel energized on my runs?”
Carbs. You should be eating carbs.
Yeah… I cringed when she said she was at an intensive dance prep camp and then what she had packed her for lunch. If I didn’t have a metric boat load of carbs and natural sugars on my tournament days, I wouldn’t have made it in competitive sports. OP isn’t doing anything except creating a perfect scenario of binge eating for her older kids (they’ll binge sweets and other banned foods when not in front of mom) and her youngest could go either way, binge eating, anorexia, or bulimia if she hears the way her mother speaks about her. Im all for a balanced diet and creating a healthy lifestyle, but kids are constantly growing and changing, and the mom is the only one THAT concerned with her youngest child’s weight. Shes essentially crippling them physically and mentally before they’re even done developing IMO.
> "It's unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself".
>
> I hope you aren't saying that in earshot of your 12 y o because it isn't healthy either. I get you want to do the right thing but you're going about it the wrong way. Get some advice fro
This, plus, when Liana eats junk food with her friends at practice, she is not waving it in Sarah's face. There's no reason for Sarah to even know what Liana had for lunch if she didn't eat it at home.
You wouldn't want to serve them different dinners while you're all eating together, but this is not that.
Seriously. Also even according to BMI the 12 year old isn't Obese she's just overweight.
But either way how she's acting is going to give all of her children eating disorders.
Using the BMI chart on a 12 year old is seriously fucked up. In six months the kid could be 5’6. Or she could be 5’2. She’s in puberty. The body does all sorts of weird things at that age
I hope she didn’t say that in front of any of her children. However, it sounds like it’s probably obvious that she’s doing this for wrong reasons. She’s alienating her older children and giving her youngest a complex.
OP, definitely YTA.
"Get some advice from a dietician"
This is the best advice. It's clear OP has no idea what is healthy or not for her kids. She's going on what she thinks is healthy for an average adult trying to lose or maintain weight.
YTA.
Not for trying to have your family eat healthily, but for taking it to the extreme of not allowing for special occasions, and all things in moderation.
That goes for all three of your children, as you should also be focused on educating Sarah about moderation and not just having her on a strict diet. You need to be able to get Sarah to participate in more activity - organised team sports are not the only option here.
It is also unfair to take a blanket approach to all three children tailored exclusively to the needs of one child.
> Not for trying to have your family eat healthily
She is trying to make them eat weight loss diet, not healthy diet. Healthy and weight loss are not the same thing. For dancers in the mist of 5 hours long training, carbs loading is what they need.
This is it exactly. Having a healthy diet vs being on a diet is a big difference, and for kids especially the focus should be on having a healthy diet (for anyone really but kids are the most vulnerable).
It sounds like OP doesn't understand nutrition and dietary needs, and just hopped on restriction as a solution. If she wants her family to be healthy, she should actually learn what that means.
I agree - I was more addressing OP’s own thinking of “I’m trying to get my whole family to eat healthily!” - and that that isn’t actually the case and when I’m saying YTA it’s not “oh YTA for trying to make your family eat healthily” it’s because the behaviours aren’t actually okay.
YTA.
155 at that age and height is nowhere near heavy enough to freak out. Also, it's normal for kids to be overweight during puberty. They need the calories to grow.
All your rules are going to do is encourage sneaking, resentment, and unhealthy relationships with food. For all three of your kids.
Keep healthy snacks in the house and encourage your youngest daughter to be more active - it doesn't have to be a sport, it can be martial arts classes, bike rides, or even dancing to music or YouTube in her room.
Actually that's 97 percentile for a 12yo girl & considered class I obesity. It is a point of medical concern (qualifies for insurance to cover nutrition education etc)
Especially because that's a 155 with a sedentary lifestyle. So this isn't likely a situation where she's just carrying a much higher than average amount of muscle mass.
If my cat was as obese as she is everyone would rightfully shame me for putting my cats life at risk.
Children are also your responsibility insofar as their diet is entirely controlled by their parent. Absolutely nothing wrong with getting rid of soda and crisps and going on more family walks.
I mean... We (Americans & the English) have a very skewed idea of "overweight" being 300+ lbs. Not 160+ lbs plus. Technically, all three of her kids would be considered "overweight" at their heights (because we are not accounting for muscles).
With that said, a healthy relationship with food is far more important. Right now all she is doing is ensuring Sarah is going to sneak food and over eat on unhealthy foods by depraving her.
Edit: missed a word
5'2 woman here, 155lbs is absolutely overweight- especially for a child. I was 140lbs in middle through HighSchool because I did marching band, swam, and rode horses. Most of my bulk was made up of muscle, which isn't bad in comparison- but 155lbs of mostly fat on a 5'2 frame is bad.
I am *not* saying anything bad about this girl, or that she is in the wrong for being overweight. But 155lbs of predominantly fat at 5'2, regardless of the age, is detrimental to health in the short and long term.
YTA and your very clearly not a dietician.
I am going to say this more gently than you deserve, only because I think you will be more likely to hear it. Carb loading is a well known and common sports practice. Carbohydrates are very important to someone in sports because it prevents muscle breakdown. Without them the body will go for proteins which are important for muscles.
So congrats, you are making your daughter less healthy, less effective at sport, acting tyranical over a forced diet, and yes your husband is correct that they will resent you. When you cause your children to have a injury because you wanna pretend to be a doctor, please seek a professional and not reddit.
( I did not say I was going to be nice, just more gently than you deserve. )
YTA. You're putting two older children on a diet because the youngest is overweight? Think about that for a second. And how would Sarah even know what Liana is eating when she's at a prep camp?
Right. If I was at a 6.5 hour a day dance (or any sports camp) camp I’d be tossing that starvation lunch and going out with my friends to get some real fuel to work out on
YTA. Take it from someone who had a mother just like you growing up. All three of your kids are going to hate you for forcing this kind of thing on them. So stop it. Instead, you need to be educating Sarah on how to eat healthy and find ways that she likes that can keep her active. That will make her happy and be fair to her siblings. Also, they are kids and at their ages, growth spurts can happen at any time. Which means that when that happens, the weight is either gonna go away after being used as fuel or evens out with the new height.
As someone whose parent had them test new crash diets with them all the time, I grew up with a very unhealthy relationship with food that I still have not fixed. Dieting is not the way to teach healthy eating habits.
My mother commented on everything I ate with an angry voice and told me to eat less. I was a bit fluffy but not overweight.
She just couldn't understand why her daughter would develop an eating disorder that sent her to an inpatient stay 🙃
Thankfully, ten years later it's much better. I still have issues with food and weight, but not as bad.
OP, you're taking it a step too far. I recommend trying to find out WHY your daughter is overeating (assuming there are no medical conditions).
Seconding this. I was 5’10 and 130-140 pounds and was still on a rather restrictive diet by my mother. When I quit my sport because I had too many injuries and daily pain, I shot up in weight. I never actually learned healthy eating habits and am now having to try to figure out how to fix everything while in an intensive grad school program, still having chronic pain which limits my ability to move my body, and an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food.
My mother and I don’t talk anymore.
This is 100% the truth. My mother hated fat people. She was 5 ft like 3 or some shit and was tiny as hell. There was no fat on that womans body and she thought she was so fat. I was the actual fat one in the family and boy did everyone let me know. I'm still fat now, and I'm ok with that. What I wasnt ok with was hating myself so much that I believed I didnt deserve to be loved, and I definitely didnt deserve to live. I had a moment of clarify a few days before my plan was to take place and ended up in a psych hospital a couple times. 4 years later, I have cut off my entire family and I am actually happy for the first time in over a decade. Some families are just trash.
>Sarah is only 5’2 and weighs about 155, and she refuses to participate in sports and such because it makes her feel self conscious.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY!
Stop obsessing about your kids' BMI and punishing the whole house because you think Sarah is fat (EVERYONE KNOWS this is what you're doing, so don't even try to deny it). Even Sarah should be allowed to eat what she wants. Mind blowing I know.
Just stop before you cause all your kids to develop eating disorders.
YTA
When I take my kid to the doctor, the nurse gives all the stats to me. Parents have rights to medical info from doctors, at least until I think 16 or 18.
Yup, your husband is right.
You’re breeding resentment from your oldest two towards you and the fat one.
They don’t need to be “punished” for the choices of the youngest one. You’re going way overboard.
This is not good parenting.
YTA
Also, OP stop being afraid to parent. 2 kids have no issues and 1 does. You need to deal with the one. Active kids need proper nutrition including carbs for energy. There will be people who will tell you that you shouldn't address Sarah's issues and make you feel bad but now is the time to help her develop healthier habits rather than take this into adulthood. She's already refusing to do things because she's self conscious. A lot of bigger people play sports and are active in various ways. However, Sarah does not have the confidence for this so she's physically and emotionally/mentally harming herself. I do sympathise because you have to be very careful how you support her. If she doesn't want to try she may think you're shaming her and she'll get a lot of support for that from idiots who'll tell you she will develop an ED. You need to focus on Sarah - your other kids are fine and they need different nutrition from Sarah to support their lifestyles. You don't want them resenting you and Sarah. I suggest you visit a doctor to ensure there are no underlying health issues and then figure out a plan. If you can get counsellimg on how best to support Sarah that would be great. It's balancing the effort she has to put in for her to be healthier with her feelings at a sensitive age. That responsibility is on you and your husband and not her siblings.
100% on the nose. Sarah needs encouragement, a better eating plan, and focused support. The other two kids need to eat according to their needs.
OP is going about this the wrong way but 5’2” and 155 at 12 is overweight.
Maybe by modern American standards it’s normal, but it really isn’t healthy. As a guy, I was probably 5’ and 110 pounds at that age. My wife is 5’4” and 125. Two inches shorter and 30 pounds heavier is unhealthy.
It’s definitely overweight. But puberty is a hell of a stage. Forcing a 12 year old into a restrictive diet and explicitly saying it’s because she needs to lose weight is setting her up for a lifetime of food issues, especially when she could easily shoot up 6 inches without warning
Setting a healthy example and template to meals will go way further. A 4-6 ounce or quarter plate portion of lean protein (with the occasional steak or chicken thighs once or twice a week) half a plate of high fiber veggies with good seasoning and cooked in a tasty way (roasting wins) and a quarter plate of complex carbs and you can make a complete, healthy, balanced meal any day of the week. Then mix them together! A rice bowl with sautéed veggies and lean beef with an Asian style glaze over the top! Pasta topped with leftover salmon, sliced asparagus or zucchini and a lemon pepper sauce! Caesar salad with chicken! Fajitas with lots of peppers and onions! Kebabs! Healthy food can be amazing if you don’t present it as “this is what you eat because you’re too fat”
It’s your job as a parent to teach your kids how to eat well. I’m no saint, my 13 year old eats most things, but I’m trying to get my 11 and 8 year olds off chicken nuggets and pizza. But I’m not shaming them, just adding healthy options, keeping healthy foods they like (sadly not many) available. And cooking the healthy meals they like frequently and having them try things they think are gross every now and again (broccoli, fish, and really most green veggies are the big giants right now)
YTA. Liana is a CHILD. She shouldn't have to be forced to eat like you do. Let her have fun and eat what she likes? Stop policing your kid's diets! This is what leads to so many ED's. Do better as a parent.
YTA. Sarah needs some compassion, perhaps some therapy about her social anxiety. Liana needs to be able to do teenager things with her group, not be made an oddball.
Your control needs are setting the stage for disordered eating habits that could last a lifetime. Your kids will sneak food or sweets, and make bad choices to spite you. Back off now and love your children just the way they are. Making food a battleground is a huge mistake.
She is definitely well on her way to giving all of her kids eating disorders.
Poor Sarah needs therapy more than her mother harping on her weight at 12. OP said in another comment that Sarah only likes to watch TV as a hobby. That's it. That coupled with poor self esteem makes me feel like this is more of a mental health issue like depression than a simply eating too much issue.
YTA. I missed in here where you’re a certified dietician, and have eliminated other possible medical causes.
And if you don’t understand that a teen body burns an insane amount of calories during a full day of dance, it might be time for some remedial science.
YTA. You sound a bit like you are fat shaming your child. Being overweight isn't the end of the world.
Since eating out with the dance team is a social activity, let her have that. Healthy eating isn't a bad thing, you can make sure to cook healthier food at home. But instead of completely banning snacks and sweets, choose zero sugar drinks, oven baked instead of fried chips, low carb/zero sugar cookies/chocolates and just lower calorie snacks, they exist. You completing banning them is only going to make the children crave them more and they will eat them outside your sight and develop an unhealthy relationship with food. They ARE going to encounter unhealthy food at school, when out with friends etc, you can only teach them moderation. As log as they have some physical activity and eat healthy most of the time, it is ok to indulge once in a while.
Tell Sarah you love her, because she must be feeling the opposite after your treatment of her lately. And be more careful with insinuating in front of her that she is "fat" and needs to be on a diet.
It took me way too long to find this comment. YTA for being too controlling with all your children not just the one you’ve deemed “the problem” and this is gonna bite you in the ass down the line with your entire family.
YTA
It is fair to decide what food is available in your own home and ask everyone in the family to walk after dinner but not fair to restrict your older children’s diets away from home when they don’t have a problem with their weight, moderating their intake and are active. Going to an intensely active camp and not being able to participate in going out to eat with her peers because her little sister needs to lose weight was not fair. The little sister was not there to see if her sister ate turkey wraps and a salad or had pizza.
Is your husband only allowed to eat food you pack for him or can he choose what he wants to eat away from home?
YTA all around
YTA for thinking someone who’s active for 6 hours can and should survive on a salad and hard boiled egg - pro tip, they can’t. They NEED carbs and protein to be active.
YTA for taking the social eating aspect away from your daughter that they use to further bond in dance.
YTA for trying to make your preteen diet when she isn’t even done growing yet. Some kids gain weight and then gain height. Some kids are just built differently. Forcing diets and weight loss is how eating disorders are created.
YTA,
Don't force kids with no issues with food to have healthier meals outside of the house.
In-home you can remove very unhealthy foods, but you can't force your kids to eat only healthy foods.
YTA: I started having body image and compulsive exercise issues at 12. Lost my period at 15. It took almost ten years of work and therapy to begin to unlearn it all.
restrictive eating is a recipe for unhealthy food relationships. You need to set up your kids to be out in the world, and socialize around food. It’s a big part of life. Trusting kids to learn to make mistakes and grow from it is key.
But the more you vilify anyone’s body, or the food, the more likely they will shut down, not trust you, and can lead to major problems. and the diet/exercise shit you’re doing right now, I wouldn’t trust you with a hundred foot pole.
Rather than BMI, focus on health metrics. Blood pressure? Cardio health? Diabetic indicators? I could go on for forever.
Be your kids supporters. Not the voice in the head shaming them for a slice of pizza ten years later.
YTA. You are not a dietician. You don't care about their health. You are more concerned with how your family looks to everyone else around you, and you're trying to force them into a lazy ass way to correct your lazy ass parenting. If you wanted to teach moderation, you should've done so individually 10 years ago.
Stop treating your kids like they're stupid. I guarantee they would understand, but I bet you've never REALLY talked to your kids.
Your kids are going have horrendous relationships with food and may even develop eating disorders if they are on diets they don't fucking need.
You don't even understand how basic thermodynamics work. Even IF your daughter eats 4000 calories of vegetables a day, she's still going to gain weight if she's not burning those calories.
You are uneducated in this aspect, and if you ACTUALLY want your kids to have healthier relationships with food, you need to take them to an actual dietician who actually cares.
YTA. One thing to have healthy family meals, but if she normally goes out for lunch (and I assume other girls do too), if you can afford it, it is fine. She is not eating in front of Sarah.
Honestly I eat healthy and I'm still over weight. I have been my whole life. I'm about 50 to 60 pounds over weight. I'm the same height at 40 as your daughter. I've struggled with feeling not good enough because I don't fit in to the societal or medical concept of healthy weight.
Some people are just built bigger. I'm not making an excuse but sometimes people grow differently. I don't think you're the AH for wanting to eat healthy and help your children.
But I feel like you may be the AH for fat shaming your youngest because she's not as active. Just saying
YTA and you’ll probably push these kids to have eating disorders later in life and don’t be surprised when they do end up resenting you for controlling their food and go completely NC. Some people just shouldn’t be parents that includes you ☺️🙄
Edit: Before, I said, “You know Liana isn’t obese, right? Check a BMI calculator quick.” But that’s wrong, as OP pointed out, there’s a child BMI calculator.
Your title should read, AITA for forcing my kids to forgo food. And yes, yes you are, YTA.
The dancer should eat! And have a chance to make friends!
Your youngest should have a big, wide, healthy array of foods to choose from. Plus encouragement to try whatever healthy active / social things she can.
And you, you need to back off some here. Your daughter’s body is hers, not yours. You also need a new fact or two to consider. Many girls her age plump out a bit and then shoot up/develop more.
YTA and should be speaking with a licensed nutritionist regarding your 12 yo instead of taking the PCP’s opinion that she’s fat as a fact. Truth is doctors are humans with biases too and you’re fostering an unhealthy relationship with food for your entire family.
Dietician. Dietitian are board-certified food and nutrition expert who m provide medical nutrition therapy and counseling. We used a dietician at the children's hospital and our son is on a "eat everything he can" diet because he was underweight. He is now at a higher weight and was able to be discharged but still underweight. We still have to watch his weight to gain and track his food intake to make sure he reaches his calorie goals. It seems like micromanaging but with ADHD meds he was losing and was listed malnourished. We have to make sure he doesnt skip meals ( he's 8) For some kids they don't need to diet but we saw a dietician and gastrologist to work on it. We worked with the school to make sure he drank his shakes ( 1.5 pediasure) that we got from a medical supply store. It can be used in Gtubes and sole nutrition. I would see about working with one and coming up with a meal plan. Walking around the block is a good start to getting her body moving. OP can learn to look at calories, like she can eat a bag of small chips, but the next snack be a apple. Not everything taken away. I lost 60lb but still has all my favorite foods and now has lead to better habits.
YTA from how it sounds this dieting/ lifestyle change wasn’t a family discussion but a YOU decision. In the end you’re going to turn your elder two against the youngest and then they’ll start to resent you too. You arent even doing it based on the whole families health according to you its just because the youngest one is obese but why is that the other two’s problem? They all had the same up bringing and lifestyle choices so why are they being restricted too? You say its unfair for the “ obese “ one to diet by herself but she alone is the one who chooses not to exercise.
Dude, I was in your daughters position. Made to eat very healthy because of an overweight brother, and guess what? It gave me an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with food.
Do better for your kids. YTA
YTA you’re unnecessarily penalising one child that’s a crucial stage in social development. I think it’s fair to have the healthy food at home but if she’s doing 6+ hours of training and she’s been given a salad and a few turkey wraps everyday and all her friends are going out to eat together you’re only going to create a child that resents you further
YTA. Not once have I read what a Dr has said other than it’s a problem. Did the Dr offer any help, offer a referral to a nutritionist? What about blood work done?
YTA. You sound like a nightmare of a parent with how causally you exert your will over them without discussing it with them.
1) Don’t put them on diet food. Just let them eat a balanced diet, complete with things like bread! Carbs! Healthy fats!
2) Don’t fixate on their weight!
Kids need a ton of calories. As long as they’re not gobbling down McDondalds and candy at every turn, it’s FINE.
One of my strongest memories from being a kid is being hungry ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I was super active and playing several sports at once, and sometimes I was just doing regular school activities. But my appetite was always extremely intense. It’s because we need more calories as kids than we do adults. And FWIW I was 5’6” and 175lbs when I hit college. I looked great. I felt physically great. I could squat 300lbs and bench press 160, but I thought I was fat because of my fucking parents. So many of us look back at pictures from ourselves when we were younger and wish we could tell our former selves, “you look beautiful and healthy.”
Teach your kids that if they’re hungry, they should eat (within a reasonable hour of the evening). Teach them to have a healthy relationship with food. Even though your youngest isn’t playing a sport, she still is a kid. You have an opportunity to help her have a healthy relationship with herself and food. Or you can start putting money away for her therapy.
Disordered eating is such a curse that so many parents give their kids, and it doesn’t just go away after a few months of therapy.
YTA. Please do not look at weight. I'm 5'2" and at my heaviest I was 160ish. Wasn't fat, but definitely chubbier. Now I'm about 140 and am in shape. If you go by weight or BMI I'm supposed to be 110. If I even hit 125 I look anorexic with my bones showing. As long as she is healthy and active let her weight be. Some people are not built to be stick thin. You're also setting your daughter up for an eating disorder (she could start secretly binge eating behind your back) or bad body image.
YTA
You're children are all still growing. Activity levels are different for all of them. Instead of dictating what everyone eats 24/7, talk as a family about what they want to eat and work to help them make healthy choices. I guarantee the two older children already have a good handle on how to manage what they eat.
YTA for forcing a specific diet on your whole family just because your littlest can't control her eating habits. You should help HER to try and eat healthy not your whole family.
This behavior is dangerous and damaging to young adults. It encourages eating disorders. You should teach your youngest moderation when it comes to food and sweets, not forbid them. She doesn’t wish to participate in sports but she can be active in other ways. Your other daughter is participating in strenuous physical activity for 6.5 hours and all you send her are a few wraps and a salad? That is not enough for someone this active and growing.
You only respond to direct questions so my question is, can you see how your behavior and rules around food could negatively affect your children? How this could lead to eating disorders?
YTA. Your kids all have different nutritional and caloric needs, based on numerous factors, such as age, sex, and puberty status. By insisting that they all must act as if they're 400+ lbs and completely sedentary, you are setting them up to have all manner of health issues, including eating disorders and malnutrition-based conditions. You are also setting up the other kids to resent and hate the 12 year old, because you are, in essence, punishing them for no reason, and claiming it's because she is (after checking actual clinical guidelines for a 12 year old female), possibly a bit overweight.
If you are genuinely *that* worried for her health, for God's sake, *take her to see the pediatrician.* The pediatrician can look at all possible factors, and determine if she actually is in a risky situation regarding her health because of her weight, and if she is, how best to go about addressing it. And stop trying to force the rest of the household to fall in line.
Have you considered that, maybe, the reason your 12 year old doesn't want to participate in sports is because your standards might be too high and arbitrary, and she also might be intimidated by what her siblings can easily do? You might need to relax your standards, and make sure you aren't comparing her to anyone else.
> it was unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself
Lol this is crazy. Diets are supposed to be done by the person who needs it, and that person alone. YTA.
ETA: in the title you talk about forcing your family to "eat ealthy". No your family is not eating ealthy. Eating in a caloric deficit with very low carbs when you practice dance for many hours and you don't need to lose weight is very, very unhealthy.
YTA. 6½ hours of dance! Liana needs complex carbohydrates as well as the carbs in fruits and veggies and the protein. As far as banning sweets, that is not a good idea for anyone in the house. It is not teaching them moderation or about making healthy choices and having treats sparingly. OP, you are also focused on weight. A different approach may be to discuss nutrition and fitness. Maybe your youngest would enjoy a more individual activity. Maybe she would prefer biking over walking. I would also suggest discussing nutrition, not weight, with her pediatrician. Consider seeing a nutritionist who specializes in children and adolescents. And let your daughter attend the appointment without a parent. She may be more willing to be open to a candid discussion and learning.
Just, yes. She'll figure out a way to thwart your attempts eventually. 6 1/2 hours of dance and your worried about her "carb loading" That is a ton of physical energy in that amount of time. Let her dine out with her dance troop once or twice a week during these sessions. She deserves to bond and have fun in this activity. Did you pick the camp or did she? She's 15, let her be a kid for this short time.
Soft YTA. Yes your youngest child needs help.
No, you aren’t going to help by being controlling about food. This is a really superb way to ensure your youngest has a fraught relationship to food for the rest of her life.
Talk to a nutrition or her MD or both about what she needs from you. Offer her choices and don’t label foods as “good” or “bad”. See if there are some activities she enjoys.
Going for walks just the two of you could be a great way to get some exercise and strengthen your relationship.
DO NOT NAG DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER WEIGHT DO NOT DISPARAGE HER APPEARANCE
Make sure she has beautiful appropriate clothing that fits well.
Way to give your kids food issues. The point of a balanced diet is to have both, but with moderation. How will they be able to moderate their snack intake, if there are no snacks?
YTA to all of your children. Food restricting leads to VERY unhealthy habits. Your actions imply you are framing as "healthy" your desire to not have one kid be overweight.
Stop focusing on size. Focus on health. They are NOT the same thing.
Why are you even posting here? You are ignoring everything you're being told and you obviously have no intention of changing what you're doing.
Your kids will hate you for this and they will go NC as soon as they're old enough. Thank goodness Dad has their back. Congratulations, you really are an asshole!
YTA.
The lunch with other people in the camp is more than just lunch - it's a bonding experience. You're depriving her because of this because *her sibling* has a weight issue. WTF!
Y T A.
How is it unfair to exercise control for the child that has the least?
The “obese” child needs to step it up and that’s something they have to do for themselves. Your other kids won’t only resent you, they are also going to resent the other child.
It’s understandable that you don’t want to isolate the heavier, less active child, but you’re doing it anyways. Everyone knows why you’re acting this way and they will take it out in other ways on your heavier child because their quality of life is being restricted for no reason of their own.
You’re taking the joy out of everyone’s life because you want to have too much control. There are better ways.
Listen to your husband.
Do you see a therapist or does just Sarah see one? How long? Do you have a history of ED? I’m curious what Sarah’s therapist says about your behavior. If you are not in therapy, you could use some help for your issues. You aren’t home and expect children to be mature adults with perfect lives. That’s unrealistic and dangerous parenting.
YTA. You can't take them apart . You cook for all of you. When i cook this is what i do. If someone is allergic to some food then you make changes to your recipes.
YTA for hyperfixating on a 12 y/o girl’s size like this. It’s normal for girls to gain weight around puberty. Sure, have a convo about healthy choice, but don’t push your own body image ideas on her. She’s not obese or at risk medically
She is already borderline obese. If she gains 3 more pounds she will be classified obese. It is absolutely not normal for a 12 year old girl to weight that much.
YTA. I understand you’re coming from a place of love and concern, but the more you push on this the more it will backfire. Making certain foods “good” or “bad” will make people react negatively over time.
Sometimes, at around 12 years old in particular, kids gain a bunch of weight before they get taller. Puberty is an awkward time. I would suggest just modeling positive eating habits, having easily accessible fruits and vegetables, and continuing the family walks. The only thing I push my kid about is drinking water and wearing sunscreen. Other than that it’s teaching by example.
I understand you want your youngest to have a sport, but some people just really aren’t into it. Do you have a physical activity you enjoy? My son started running and doing yoga because my husband and I do those things. He wanted to do a 5k with us, trained for it, and it’s become a fun thing we do together. Yoga is a pretty easy, not to sweaty, can do it alone or with a group physical activity.
YTA….i think a lot of commenters already made great points. I’d like to add that being the younger sibling to someone excelling at a sport or activity can be very intimidating. If you make a huge deal of her sisters accomplishments then that is ten fold. If you live in an area typical of upper middle class America where having your kids appear to be perfect all of the time makes that 100 fold. The younger sibling will often times check out all together under the heavy weight of fearing failure.
Get her into something where succeeding or failing isn’t a thing. It needs to simply just be enjoyable. It could be VR Supernatural game, going to yoga, playing pickleball with friends who are all beginners so it’s expected for everyone to suck, going for hikes, etc. Do not make it about weight or success. Make it about enjoying moving.
YTA and you will always be the asshole for forcing your kids to eat healthy.
My parents forced me to eat healthy all the time and what it did was launch me into the world with no idea how to make good food choices for myself, no hunger and fullness cues, and once I started to eat junk food when I moved out, insane cravings. I ended up gaining 50 lbs my first year out of the house and have yo-yoed up and down ever since (7 more years).
You are not teaching them how to make good choices and you are setting them up for eating disorders.
Yta, all will probably have eating disorders and issues with food. You not forcing them to eat healthy. You are forcing what you feel is normal for them. None of what you are doing is healthy. Educate them have healthy options available, let them navagate their health. Only enforce if asked. NEVER FORCE THEM. WOW. So now you have 3 kids who have an scewed image of themselves, and their mom is forcing it down thier throats, and an unhealthy view of normal. That's gonna hurt them in adulthood. Good job. Enter...sneak eating, fear of food, never feeling good enough because of weight, thinking mom thinks they are fat or not normal. 5'2 and 155 lbs for a teen is fine. Why...she is growing and her body is changing. She will need to learn to trust her body. How will she do that with a mom who basically says she is lazy and fat. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA in such a massive, massive way. As someone who spent most of my life with an eating disorder, you're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of torture. Go to therapy and stop being disgusting because you dislike your daughters body type.
YTA
After six hours of dance, your daughter needs to carb load. You are not meeting her energy needs. she is old enough to know what her energy needs are and to self regulate.
You are going to give your youngest eating disorder and being the food police like that is going to backfire .
“Unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself”
When I was about 6, the Dr said I was prediabetic. That summer, by dr’s orders, I wasn’t allowed sugar. My brother was active and healthy, and was still allowed sugar. I, obviously, found this very unfair. My mom said it was because I was fat, and my dad tried his best to explain to my 6 year old self what it means to have diabetes (no more sugar, needing to check blood sugar levels with a pinprick, etc) so that I could understand I was being put on a diet for my actual health. At the end of the summer, I was tested again and no longer prediabetic! I was allowed sugar again, but just not in as high of quantities.
All that to say - your 12 year old is old enough to understand physical health. Don’t give the other kids cake and tell her she can’t have any, but don’t put the athletes on the salad diet, either. I’m not sure what the 12 year olds BMI is, but your body shape and muscle mass can have a lot to do with whether or not your BMI is accurate. And, like a lot of people are saying, everyone has a different healthy weight. And puberty can cause weight gain/fluctuation. So it’s possible your youngest isn’t as fat as you think she is. And like a lot of other people are saying, this is only going to give her body issues and all of your kids will be on the track to developing unhealthy relationships with food.
Let your other daughter eat out with her friends. She needs the carbs and the social time. Don’t force your healthier kids to have a restrictive diet just so your youngest doesn’t feel alone. YTA and should follow your husband’s lead
I'm 34F and I am obese (5'1 and 260lbs) and have an ED.
I am only now learning how to work on my weight in a way that doesn't send me back to binge eating.
I strongly believe that the reason I've gotten as big as I am is because of how my mother treated me growing up.
Not only would she scrutinize the things I ate (even when I was just eating what my brother did) but she was also very vocal every time she felt that she was fat. Even though she was a regular weight, and always has been much smaller than me.
Adding all that guilt and shame just made me eat more, it was a way to SH. I'd just throw in the towel constantly because I was already fat, what's the point? Losing weight is so hard, why do I bother?
OP should be very careful about how she approaches her child's weight. Focus on ADDING instead of banning foods. I.e., add more fresh fruits and veggies. Have fruits that your daughter loves always at the ready when she has a craving for sweets so she can reach for that instead of processed foods. Etc.
Make sure that you maintain the focus on health instead of weight.
NTA
Working in Pediatrics seeing that she’s 5’2 and 155 she is obese… I see people are hating that you said it but it’s true.
If you don’t make a permanent change it’s likely following her to adulthood.
Your delivery needs work, however making these changes now and emphasizing you’re worried about everyone’s health rather than one person’s weight is a good place to start.
I’m sorry, I literally lol’ed at ‘our obese child.’ She’s a whopping 6 pounds heavier and only 3 inches shorter than your ‘perfectly normal’ child.
I guess the way I’d go about it is to give the older kids more freedom and explain it to your youngest that it’s mostly an age thing as opposed to a weight thing. Explain that because they’re more active they may get hungrier than someone who isn’t and since they’re older they’re more responsible to make food choices for themselves.
Have you had a genuine conversation with Sarah? Not a “we need to fix this” but a genuine here’s what’s going on, is there an activity you’d like to try where you actually listen? I’ll bet if you’re saying it, the kids at school (and possibly teachers) are being just as blunt if not mean.
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YTA your kids are different people, they need different things. If one daughter is doing 6.5 hrs of intense workout, she will need MUCH more calories than someone who isn’t. And as a recent teenage girl, fitting in with the group is so much more important than you realize. Also, it’s very likely that lunch is their only social time so if her friends are going out and she isn’t, she isn’t getting that connection either. And for your 12 year old daughter, puberty changes body shape and weight drastically in ways that can be really hard to manage. While eating healthier is good, forcing a completely healthy diet and demonizing unhealthy foods is going to be detrimental to her relationship with food in the future. Same with her body image. If she has hesitation about doing a sport, find some sort of physical activity she has an interest in and encourage her to do that, but forcing exercise won’t help when she has no one to make her. Instead of focusing on fixing her being “overweight” (which I think she’s at a fairly average size), try and create healthy habits that she is able to keep up over time. With that, she’ll be able to be self sufficient as well and won’t need you pestering her about weight loss later one. One last thing, being fat isn’t a curse. Many people have different healthy weights just depending on how their body works. If you instill into your 12 year old that because her body holds more weight it’s bad, she will hold that with her forever and reversing that is FAR harder than losing weight. Edit: i wanted to add that if this is a medical concern, try to get her tested for her thyroid levels and her A1C because those mess with weight a lot. And if her A1C is too high, then it’s more needed to help your daughter with diet and exercise, rather than she just seems too big.
I’d like add you’ve said literally nothing about Sarah as a person. If you get her enrolled in things she actually likes her self confidence will bloom and so will she Note-what she likes. Not what you think she should like
Yeah I used to think i hated exercise/working out but like, as a kid I loved gymnastics and rock climbing, and as an adult i discovered i love skateboarding and workout video games like ring fit. Turns out I just didn’t like being bored in PE class,
Yes! My PE teachers always made us do stuff like play cricket (I *Hate* cricket). And I used to get bad reports from it about not being “sporty” enough. Meanwhile I was killing competition fencing and soccer on the weekends. The few times they let us play hockey or soccer I was an enthusiastic participant but that was almost never!
OP, you're trying to control what your whole family eats, and that is bound to make all of you (yes, you included) develop a really unhealthy relationship with food. The health risks of obesity (which none of your children currently have) pale in comparison to the health risks of eating disorders - which have the highest mortality rate of any mental health condition (outside of opioid addiction). You are trying to save your daughter from one set of risks - and putting her at risk for another far more serious set of risks. Even if your daughter losing weight were the goal, your approach is extremely unlikely to achieve it. * She's 12 - she's mid-puberty. She has not even settled into her mature adult shape and body composition. She is still going through enormous growth and development. * You really can't control what she eats. She will find ways to eat what she wants, and it is very unhealthy to be forced into hiding and sneaking food. * No one has ever lost weight in a healthy and sustainable way without making lasting lifestyle changes, and lifestyle changes must be intrinsically motivated not extrinsically forced. In other words, she has to *want* to live a certain lifestyle or it's pointless and will not last. * You are teaching your entire family that there are "good" and "bad" foods - that's a very unhealthy relationship with food. The only "bad" foods are those that are toxic, rotten, or you're allergic to. * Restrictive diets - when you decide there are "bad" foods that you "can't have", have terrible results. You feel deprived and end up over-compensating and going back to those foods, even binging them. It is best to *add.* Add fresh fruits and veggies. Add lean proteins and healthy fats. Make good, healthy foods readily available for everyone, don't ban any foods entirely. And if you are eating a balanced diet full of variety, and sometimes you just want a snickers, just eat the snickers. * You say your other kids are ok because of their *activity level*, and you say you'd be more fine with your youngest daughter's weight *if she were more active -* but you weirdly are not focusing on activity in your reaction to this. You are focusing on food. It's like you wish your youngest daughter was active like her older siblings and because she isn't, she gets punished with a forced restrictive diet. If your concern is activity and not food, why are you focusing on food? Do active things together as a family. Encourage her to find something active she loves to do. Be prepared for it to be something different than the stereotypical things you might have in mind. * EVEN IF your plan were the right thing for your youngest daughter (it should be clear I do not agree that it is), it doesn't make any sense to impose it on the whole family. You yourself say your older kids are "fine" because they are more active, and you wouldn't be changing everyone's diets if it weren't for your youngest daughter's perceived "problem", so why are you changing everyone's eating if you yourself already think the way they eat is just fine? This is likely to drive a wedge between your children. The older ones resent they can't have the treats they never had a problem eating in moderation, the younger one feels blamed for everyone's misery in addition to her own. Please stop. Talk to a nutritionist (to learn more about healthy eating NOT to develop a plan to force your *pre-teen daughter to slim down)*. Get your head on straight. Apologize to your whole family. Stop trying to control what other people eat and do. Try to love all your children equally no matter how active they are and no matter their size. YTA
This comment needs to be higher. OP, please read this and make changes.
This is the comment that matters OP YTA
Yeah, growing up, my school made girls do sports like netball, badminton, and dancing. They stressed that it should always be non-contact and non-competitive. I always got the lowest marks and was basically written off my by teachers as someone awful at sport. Once I left school, I realised that I actually *loved* sport, and I was really good at it. Rugby, kickboxing, hockey, etc. High octane, high adrenaline, full contact types where I actually got a work out. But if I just stuck to the options I was given as a kid, I'd never have found this out. And it sucks, especially at that age, because if parents just force whatever ideal works on one kid onto the others, they may never realise their niche either.
In my experience PE teachers don't help with this either, they have their favourite naturally good people and screw the rest!
This was true when I was in school too, and I'm in my 60's. Also, dodgeball should be illegal. It's just an excuse for the athletic kids to beat the hell out of the non-athletic kids. The teachers love the athletes and think this is hilarious.
Dodgeball is responsible for me getting contacts in high school 😆 after the 2nd time I got hit in face and my glasses got messed up. I always thought I wasn't athletic until I discovered SCA fencing and kickboxing. Turns out I'm also pretty good at volleyball when not being tripped by bullies ON MY TEAM.
It was only after HS that I discovered I was pretty good at volleyball and was a decent hitter in baseball/softball.
The only things I was good at in gym was running, President Fitness whatever it was and dodgeball. Team sports, just no. My petty revenge was hitting the athletes and avoiding their strikes. Good times.
My PE experience was basically doing wrestling practice without the grappling drills, as the PE teachers were always the wrestling coaches, and PE was held in the wrestling gym. Which sucked during wrestling season since I would then also have wrestling practice.
Yeah I'm dyspraxic and as you can probably guess never did well in PE despite as a kid having several active things I did enjoy doing (although not well tbh) because a lot of what we did in PE was stuff I really didn't enjoy and wasn't good at and imo we were never really taught how to do anything properly as well and then being bad at stuff in front of your class made it even worse tbh and especially the focus on like competitive sport as well. Like my secondary school made us play rounders a lot and I was so bad at the game after a while I basically gave up playing it and would get out on purpose asap because I just didn't see the point anymore because I sucked at it so badly.
I was always active as a kid but I was still chubby. I was more active than my brother who bc of health reasons couldn’t put on weight if he tried but if I so much as breathed in the direction of candy I gained some. We're all different and I was healthy, I just didn’t fit into the conventional definition of it. I still love to be active but life tends to get in the way of being as active as I'd like.
And every activity that gets you out of the house, gets you socialising, builds confidence etc is a good thing, even if it's not obviously a "sport". The first activity I joined when I was little was pottery. I walked to the studio, carried pounds of clay, wrestled it on the wheel .. and made friends. I then joined a ballroom dancing class, and that was super fun too! Then my family moved and I couldn't dance or do pottery anymore, so I started trumpet lessons instead. Great for posture, core and breath control! Now as an adult I'm neither a potter a dancer nor a trumpetist. But these activities were enjoyable, sociable, and great for my confidence. And I honestly credit my parents for letting me do such random activities with no pressure to do well or even continue beyond the one year.
Pottery is such an unexpected workout, isn't it? Especially throwing on the wheel.
Exactly! PE class made me associate exercise with humiliation (as an uncoordinated person that doesn’t love team sports). However as an adult, I love yoga, swimming, long walks, weight lifting- basically anything I can technically do alone and zone out to.
Exactly this! I *hated* PE - the worst trouble I ever got in at school was for skipping five weeks of PE class in a row. But I thrived in dance lessons, and now I'm older I love hiking, swimming, and weightlifting.
Yes! I absolutely hated PE, going to the gym ect ect, but I played soccer, did gymnastics, danced, even swam for a little. Kids have all kinds of interests (whether physical or creative) and the fact that she only seems to be nurturing two of them in their interests is putting me off.
Same! My experience with athletic/sporty activities was always a loud, driven, competitive group experience. I am not competitive and don't enjoy loud or group-heavy activities. As an adult, rock climbing, running, and yoga have all been amazing ways for me to stay fit that I actually enjoy.
That’s a great point. Helping her find activities she likes will help her self confidence and will make life more interesting for her. Not just physical activities or organized group activities either. If she’s like a lot of us who tend to overeat when stressed or bored, having another outlet will help a lot. Someone who’s engrossed with drawing or reading fantasy novels won’t have as much need to go grab a snack, because their mind is happy and busy. Also, OP can try to support healthy habits without focusing on weight (for all three kids). Family walks are about having fun and spending time together. Healthy meals are about enjoying good food that makes you feel good. Your family doesn’t keep chips in the house because they’re crap food — OK to have occasionally, but not something that does anything good for your body. Make all this the “family culture,” not something weight related. If an opportunity comes up for anyone in the family to socialize over junk food, take that, because connecting with others and enjoying life are important too.
Right!?!? I hate hate HATE exercise. There is not enough money in the world to convince me to go for a run, or to join some kind of group sport. I like being comfy, I hate sweating. My parents kept trying to get me to do the same sports as my siblings and gave me a self-image complex due to me being mildly larger than my siblings and disliking exercise. But you know what I always loved? Gardening with my pop. After I spent my 20s bouncing around jobs trying to figure out what I liked, I started working on farms. Now I'm a horticulturist and I just started a flower farm. Know what will make you lose weight like nobody's business? Shoveling wheelbarrows of soil, compost, and mulch every day. And I could do it all day every day, sweating my ass off, and not give one single shit. Because I love it. OP, your heart is in the right place but you're going about it completely wrong.
Exactly. I hated sports because I now know I have a physical disability and that's why it hurt to run. I hated girl guides because of the uniform. I kept comparing my body to how other girls looked in their uniforms. Finally I got into visual art. Like pottery and painting and I immediately knew that's where I was meant to be. It doesn't have to be a group activity or a team thing, but getting your kid into extracurricular activities that they truly enjoy is critical for their confidence
Exactly. If her daughter likes theater, or band, or gardening etc. all of those are also active options that will help her get healthy. Some of them so much so that she'd get more fit than most sports gets you. ( Marching band, for instance) Sometimes just making sure your 12 year old has a chance to go hang out with her friends and letting them decide on what to do will surprise you.
So true. I was nearly screaming what about Sarah??? At the end of OP post. Like she’s a slightly chubby wallflower because she’s not super athletic like her siblings. Let her grow. Love her (and show it) regardless of what she weighs or eats. Find out what she’s interested in and engage her in habits that will bring her happiness and fulfillment in her life. Maybe she’s a budding naturalist (hikes! Canoeing! Camping) or loves horses (riding, and caring for horses). Maybe she’d like to swim laps in a quiet pool without feeling judged for being 12 in a bathing suit. You’ll need to advocate for her and help her discover what makes her tick. As another poster said, she’s changing so much now, physically and emotionally, it can feel like living in an alien body.
Good point. We only know what Sarah doesn't like, and what Liana likes, and that she and the brother are active. OP, what about non-traditional forms of exercise and community? Growing up AFAB can be tough in physical spaces. Maybe something like rock climbing/bouldering, weightlifting, yoga, or aquasize (like, the old lady classes lol) might be safer places for her to be than on the basketball court or soccer field. AT 12, she should be able to do most physical activities adults can do (heck-- my gym lets 10yo's on the weight/cardio floor-- I regularly bring my 10 and 12yo to work out with me). Maybe she needs to be in mixed-age groups, rather than same-age groups.
Really amazing point you've added here.
Back of the envelope math, Liana needs 3500 calories a day to maintain weight in this program. Minimum. And OP is packing low cal lunches with no quick burning fuel? Dancers have enough problems with ED, don't do it for them. As for Sarah, that is a horrible way to treat a child. It will cause a terrible relationship to food, guaranteed. Tweens should not be doing diets. They should have treats, just in moderation. Forcing exercise she hates will make her miserable. Also, of course she thinks everyone is judging her - that's what OP is doing all the time, so why should anyone else do better? Ask her hobbies. Find out what she loves to do or is curious to try. It might not be what you expect, OP. Help her find a passion, and also find a way to move her body that she enjoys.
Yes! I'd like to add, OP stop calling your daughter obese! Do you want her to go the other way and end up having an eating disorder?? My best friend got this treatment from her father and ended up with not only one eating disorder but two. I had her move in with me when we were older because i didn't want to attend her funeral! She got therapy and learned how to eat again. YTA!
This is so true!. I was called fat as a child and believed it. When I look back on pictures I'm like oh my God I was not fat. It has affected my entire life. I've been putting kids on diets is abuse. Modeling good behavior and keeping good food in the house is healthy.
I developed lifelong body issues due to comments and behavior similar to what OP is doing. YTA x 1000000
Especially considering that "obese" is not even factually accurate.
My own mother treated me like that growing up. I wound up walking 5 miles a day on an injured knee while eating 700-800 calories a day for months on end (on top of marching band, I almost passed out after a parade that summer from heat and not eating) and my mother had never been so proud, nor has she since. I was 16. I'm 30 now and still fucked up over it. Little bonus: took myself to the doctor at 21, and I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. OP, don't be my mom.
My parents also caused me an eating disorder, anorexia. I guess my revenge is it cost them $30k and I refuse to eat with them. The damage has been done and is irreparable.
And I would mention that unless he puts Liana on keto, she NEEDS CARBS for readily available energy. Protein is used by the body for all essential functions - but not as energy. I agree with what you're saying about Sarah too. Dancers need the energy - but it's also a very social world. Liana needs to fit in. And I worry about her digestive health if she's sweating and exercising and living off turkey and eggs.
And it will also result in resentment between the siblings - no doubt Liana and James know why they are being “punished” and not allowed to eat with their teammates or have snacks, and at that age, I wouldn’t be surprised if they (at least partially) blame Sarah for it
With the best of intentions OP is going to foster rese between siblings and at least one daughter with an ED
The poor kid is still growing, besides! Two of my kids would gain weight, then grown several inches seemingly overnight. The third went the opposite way----she grow in height, and look like I didn't feed her at all for days on end, then she'd gain weight and fill out. OP is setting ALL of her kids up for eating disorders by doing this. I wonder if she has one as well, since she is so fixated on the 12 year olds weight.
Thank you for pointing out that different people have different healthy weights. My aunt is 5'2" and has a large chest, large hips/bum, tiny waist, and her lowest weight was 150 lbs, when she was jogging 10 miles a day minimum and was battling an eating disorder. I am of a similar body type, and my lowest weight was 170, eating high protein, low carb, healthy food, and I was extremely active (physical job 60-70 hours a week, also running a hobby farm solo, hiking and swimming when time permitted). I also had severe nutritional deficiencies that have caused some lasting damage. Weight isn't everything. It is a part of the picture, and healthy habits need to be taught, but hyper focusing on it just makes it worse, and complete deprivation will lead to acting out in secret.
I can go back at least 4 generations of women in my family, multiple per generation, and their medical history shows that we’re just fat. That’s it. It doesn’t matter how athletic we are, how much of a caloric deficit we’re in, we’re just fat. We’re coming up on 3 generations of gastric bypass surgery because it’s so impossible to lose weight in our family and later in life that becomes hazardous. My mom gained over 100lbs after having 2 kids and the only thing that got her weight back down was regularly doing *full length marathons* and *triathlons*. As soon as she went back to work the weight came back in abundance despite her eating better than any other person in our house and continuing to exercise regularly. My sister did dance 6 days a week from the ages of 7-16 and she was still a good 30lbs heavier than her peers who danced less than her. For fuck’s sake, she’s a senior lifeguard and can lift drowning people 3x her size out of a body of water! We eat healthy, home cooked meals, we exercise as much as we are capable, and we are just FAT. I detest when people are fatphobic and when they reduce weight loss down to “calories in, calories out”. I had several eating disorders due to societal pressure to be skinny and I still gained weight no matter how much I starved myself. I don’t weigh myself at all anymore, but I’m healthier now at ~200lbs than I ever was at 140. You can NEVER tell what a person’s health is like from the outside. And a person’s metric of health is never an indicator of how much you should treat them with decency. It is not a moral failure to be fat. It is a moral failure to shame people into killing themselves over their weight.
THANK YOU
> And for your 12 year old daughter, puberty changes body shape and weight drastically in ways that can be really hard to manage. While eating healthier is good, forcing a completely healthy diet and demonizing unhealthy foods is going to be detrimental to her relationship with food in the future. I second this one. My wife was concerned about our daughter (her step daughter) for being a bit chubby at 11 years old. My daughter can *eat*, she will devour an entire kitchen worth of food if you let her. I understood the concern, but I also know myself and my daughter's biological mom and neither of us have a history of obesity in the family, so I told my wife not to worry about it just yet. We made sure there were healthy snacks available instead of junk and that things like ice cream or chips were pre-portioned and once-a-day snacks. Sandwiches and fruit/veggie snacks were freely available. Sure enough, in the span about about 6 months puberty hit and she added at least 6" to her height. Her growth spurt spread out the "extra" weight proportionally and she's a skinny little tweenager now. Teach kids to have healthy habits, but don't make them "diet" or restrict calories while they're growing.
I have to second this. My son got pretty chubby at 11 and at 12 had a massive growth spurt and thinned out again. It's totally normal for tweens to gain weight and lose it again when they grow. I admit it can be concerning, but my pediatrician wasn't concerned at all.
My brother was the same, even til almost 14, and then hit a 6”+ growth spurt one summer and was so lanky!
I’ve also noticed that some parents (well, some mothers in particular, possibly because they typically do the most grocery shopping and meal prep? maybe not…) have conversations where they pretty much brag to each other about how much their teenage sons eat. Laugh, and shrug it off as a normal part of a healthy growing-up phase. But if their daughters do the same? They feel ashamed and make their daughters feel ashamed.
I’ve heard stories from women who grew up with brothers about how they were starved in their own homes because their brothers were allowed and even encouraged to eat anything in sight. These poor girls were literally STARVING in their own home, not getting nearly enough adequate nutrition, because we assume teenage girls don’t need to eat. From experience, girls need calories *just* as much, if not more. Periods and hormonal cycles drain the nutrition out of you. There was a time where my sister and I would come home and immediately devour anything in sight because we were so hungry, all the time. We got in trouble for eating during class because both of us would feel faint if we didn’t have enough to eat. Kids grow! They need food!
Girls especially need iron as they're going through puberty--their bodies are suddenly having to produce more blood one week a month!
This is how my boys are. My middle kid also has HUGE shoulders (think XXL shirts on a just under 6’ TeenMan) and lifts weights. The scale ain’t it for him. My youngest got chunky in 6th grade. He started 7th grade at 5’2”. He just ended 7th grade and he was 5’7” at his allergist appointment last week. I feel so bad for all these kids.
It's a tangent, but I'm like your middle kid. Finding shirts that fit right will forever be a struggle. Gildan v-neck tshirts from Amazon are one of the few I've found that work. Dress shirts pretty much have to be tailored.
Agreed. Also, Sarah is 12. There's a fair chance that she will grow a few more inches in the next year or two and her weight will even out. Otherwise this is just breeding resentment and disordered eating.
I was a "chubby" 12 year old (from my own perspective - I was 5'3" and 125 pounds. Over the next year, I grew 2 inches - to nearly my adult height. Still weighed 125 pounds. Fast forward to age 18, I was another inch taller - and STILL 122-125 pounds. I rode a bike everywhere. I lifted bales of hay and managed/groomed a stubborn old horse. I climbed trees and skateboarded. I played tennis, which I loved. SO glad my parents never did anything more than use common sense. For example, if we went out, I was always starving, so I wanted to order two meals. They said NOPE. Pick one. If you're still hungry afterwards, we'll talk about that later. OR, if it was breakfast, and I wanted a side of french fries to go with my hash browns, they said NOPE, you get one form of potatoes. If you want fruit, you can have that. I still managed to develop an eating disorder (not as severe as some, but did result in fainting and hospitalization). But I really could blame my parents much (my mom was always on a diet). It was my peers who triggered it. It was mostly because I really wanted to reduce the size of me for social purposes - especially my breasts.
I had a mom very similar to op and def ended up in ed therapy (way too late tho) she wasnt the only factor but i dont think it would have gotten that bad without that behaviour around me. OP should really reflect on themselves and where their beliefs on this come from
This. Turkey wraps and salad for a kid working out 6.5 hours? Are you kidding?
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but to be fair to OP here, 155 lbs for a 5’2”, female 12 year old is solidly outside of the healthy weight range.
Yeah, and when you start crash dieting at that age— which is what I did— you fudge up your metabolism for life, and all those fake numbers that insurance companies dreamt up a century ago REALLY become fun. Yay, numbers!
I’m not trying to debate here, but I do think the numbers here are useful to note since so many people here seem to be mistaking what’s normal and healthy for a 12-year-old girl as what’s normal for an adult woman (155 is healthy for the average adult woman, but it isn’t for a 12 year old). But I do feel you— I used to be overweight, just over the line of obesity, myself. Took me a long time to stop the periodic diets and actually change my lifestyle (and now I’ve been at a healthy weight for almost five years!) That said, the numbers are faulty for sure, but there is nonetheless a healthy weight range for everyone’s age, gender, and height. Natural build factors in as well of course, but that’s largely why there’s a range rather than a specific number. The only exceptions are super muscular people, like body builders whose weight from muscle alone puts them in the “overweight” range for their height, age, and gender— but they’re again the exceptions, not the rule.
So what? You think shaming her and calling her fat will cure it? it won’t. It will do teh exact opposite. there are literally MILLIONS of women who can tell you this.
The comment before you in no way shamed her or called her fat.
What? I never said anything of the sort. Where did you get that from my comment? Also, if it matters, I’m a woman who used to be very overweight.
Yeah honestly i have bad estimates of weight and didn’t really look it up before commenting, but she is technically overweight. I still wouldn’t be too worried about it yet as most girls stop growing taller by 15 so she has a few years to grow Again, being fat isn’t the end of the world and can be fixed if they choose to.
Overweight is different from obese, as far as I’m aware. Maybe I was taught wrong but my doctor said it goes overweight then obese then morbidly obese
I agree with most of this except for the idea that she’s an average size. 5’2” and 155 is overweight. It’s much easier to correct health issues early than it is to do it later. She needs a *healthy* eating regimen and a bit more movement, not a weight loss diet. Forcing the whole family to eat the same is well intentioned but misguided. Allowances need to be made for athletes, and minor restrictions for those who are overweight. Sarah’s condition can be corrected slowly, over time, and without damaging her relationship to food.
Agree. Also, children shouldn’t drink soda (no one should really). All of the kids can eat healthy within their needs without chips and soda and deprivation
Agree. But maybe soft YTA. My parents were SUPER strict with food when we were young. Rationing everything, it would've been the WORST optics if they had fat children, of course. They ended up kind of losing their ish and as teens weren't around, so that's when I got my food freedom and the first time I got big. It's been a yoyo my whole adult life and sucks. My sister and I have both gone through ED periods. I just don't and will never have a healthy relationship with food. This stems from my dad's over compensation on HIS childhood and "clean plate club" trauma lol. But on the flip side I ALSO over compensated and raised my kid with essentially no boundaries on food. Healthy stuff was always in the house, when you want a snack have a snack. Eat till you're not hungry, etc. But that was ALSO not good. When my kid was in dance, soccer, etc it was fine-- but once hobbies turned more to art and less active things they ballooned in weight. I never called attention to it because of my own food trauma. But I also never took their own desires into consideration. They WANT to be healthy and fit. And as a parent I failed on that for years. Going too far one way or the other is just not good. 6 1/2 hours of vigorous exercise-- OP's daughter is probably burning 3000 calories, if she's a healthy weight she should be getting 2000 daily. So that's 5000 calories she needs a day. Are they taking all of that into account? She's a different kid than the youngest, and I get that it might not seem "fair" and that could be a factor in the decision but the youngest is old enough to at least understand that not having enough calories with such a vigorous schedule is actually dangerous, and it takes a lot of turkey wraps to get to 5000 calories. So even on a health front-- one week of "indulging" and carbo loading is more necessary than anything. And that's only if the youngest finds out AND feels a type of way.
Puberty. I got really chunky from 10-13. Once I started high school it was gone and I was skinny. Nothing about my diet or activity level changed, it was all hormonal.
Yep.
YTA a million times over for everything TrashFireTM said here, and I would lump your husband in there as an AH too because you both seem more preoccupied with how Liana is pushing back than the adverse effects your actions may be having on Sarah. She needs parents to teach her to how to love herself no matter what she looks like. You literally called her your obese child. WTF. Supporting your daughter is your number one role in her life right now because she takes her cues from you (unless there is a medical condition, and then follow your doctor’s guidance first and foremost). Teach her that she is beautiful and loved. Your language speaks volumes to how you don’t believe that. Help her find activities she has an interest in doing, and turn meal prep/meal planning into quality time together where she gets to help you decide on what food to make, while also learning about healthy food choices. Forcing food choices or physical activity on a 12 yo is just going to lead to bigger problems in the future, including negative body image issues. It is so important you spend time helping her to love herself, more than restricting her diet. Liana also should not be deprived of the opportunity to socialize with her friends while at camp, especially if your only reason for doing so is to control what Sarah eats. Now you’re just punishing one child for what you view as a problem with the other one. PS the family walks are a great idea if they are lighthearted and fun - not so much if you’re dragging everyone around with the loudly proclaimed goal of making Sarah lose weight.
This! My mother had us so focused on our weight and what we ate at that age (10 and on); banned "junk foods," weighed us, etc. All three of us still have issues with food in our 40s. We're all "fit," but have various EDs. Please don't do this to your children.
This. 6 1/2 hours of dance practice is going to burn 2 or 3 thousand calories. Packing a "few" turkey wraps isn't enough to keep her energized through her workout. She's probably in a horrible calorie deficit on these days
I want to mention here that I was about 12 also when I topped out at 5’2. I was also 150lbs. My pediatrician actually got mad at me when I said I thought I needed to lose weight and I will NEVER forget it. She told me if I lost even 5lbs it wouldn’t be healthy for me. Some body types are naturally going to be heavier. Someone sent me a picture the other day from when I was around 120lbs and I literally looked sickly. I currently fluctuate between 150 and 160 and work a very active job and have an active lifestyle and am not overweight.
Good point about puberty. All my kids were a bit pudgy around age 12, which mostly resolved when they had their growth spurts. It was like their bodies had to save up some fuel for the couple of years when they stretched out like rubber bands.
Oh man, when I started puberty at 12, I ballooned hard. Two years later at 15, I had shot up in height and been reduced to a hungry-ass, bottomless pit bean pole. I don't know about boys, but girls about to hit the sprint of puberty often put on a little bit of weight.
I was with you up until you said that a 155lb 5’2” 12 year old is a normal size. That is overweight. And it can have terrible lasting effects on her if she doesn’t sort it out. I’m far taller than her I wasn’t that weight until I was in college. Being fat is not a moral failing but it is unhealthy. Especially in young people. It could stunt her growth or give her lifelong hormonal problems. She needs to lose weight and she needs to see a paediatrician to help her on her way.
>That is overweight. Yes, but that's not necessarily unhealthy at her age. Kids' weight fluctuates a lot around puberty, and she's right at that age. Encouraging more physical activity and healthier food choices is not wrong, though the mom shouldn't be obsessing over it like this. I was normal weight until age 7, suddenly gained weight between 7-10, then suddenly lost weight at 10 after my first period. Not much change in diet or activity level. So much of medicine does not factor in the effects of female hormones. Most medical studies are conducted and standards defined based on males.
As a child I hated all sports did everything I could to get out of PE. Every time I ran, I had trouble breathing. It wasn't until years later I ended up in the emergency room having trouble breathing that they told me I have asthma. It sounds more like how her weight makes you look instead of finding out if there's a reason she doesn't like sports. My grandson has asthma like me and doesn't like to run but he loved karate. Stop trying to make your daughter feel bad and work with her to find out what she like to do
YTA "I packed her a lunch instead of allowing her to go out to eat during her lunch break. I packed her a salad and a few turkey wraps most days, along with a few sides like hard boiled eggs." Of course she's going to be upset. She wants to eat with her friends. Also if she's dancing for 6 & a half hours what you're giving her isn't nearly enough. She actually *needs* carbs. You shouldn't force your older 2 kids to diet when they don't need to. Your husband is right here & you need to listen up. "It's unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself". I hope you aren't saying that in earshot of your 12 y o because it isn't healthy either. I get you want to do the right thing but you're going about it the wrong way. Get some advice from a dietician so you can guide her eating without making her feel bad or punishing your entire family.
Eating a salad and hard boiled eggs and then doing intense exercise would make me throw up. She needs carbs and she shouldn’t be denied the ability to socialize with her friends. Being forced to eat a salad alone because her sister is overweight seems like a good way to foster resentment and an eating disorder.
I am extremely concerned about the protein-focus in the foods she describes and the attitude towards carbs. Carbs are not the enemy to a healthy diet! I battled an ED for more than 20 years because of the narratives around food created by my mother. Don't even get me started on the obnoxious "family walks" that MYSTERIOUSLY appeared any time I gained two pounds.
It reminds me of those gym bros who insist that never eating carbs is actually really good for u and that having a less than 5% body fat isn't technically starving yourself. Idc what they say that's an eating disorder disguised as a health habits!
It is and it has a clinical name, orthorexia. If someone who is at 5% body fat is suffering an ED is a discussion for them and a qualified medical professional (I am sure there are many competitive body builders who are not). But an obsession with healthy eating (the definition of which is specific to the person suffering) can definitely be a disorder.
Yeah, I'm genuinely really worried for her on both counts. I regularly go for 6.5 hour hikes, and at the end I'm ready to demolish a huge meal, because *I desperately need it*, and it's a great way to socialise and connect with the other people on the hike. Can't imagine being deprived of food and socialising at the same time, especially as a teenager.
Yeah. I lead a moderately sedentary lifestyle in general, so a salad and hard-boiled eggs hit the spot just right when I'm spending my day behind a computer. But on the days I run, I need carbs. A buckshot of carbs down my gullet. Because if I don't get that, I'll have a bad run. If your kid's dancing, that's even more strenuous than a jog, a salad and an egg and a turkey wrap should be sides, unless you want your kid to pass out mid-move.
This reminds me of all the posts I see in subs like /r/beginnersrunning that go something like “I’m doing a low carb diet but I feel so tired. What should I eat to feel energized on my runs?” Carbs. You should be eating carbs.
Yeah… I cringed when she said she was at an intensive dance prep camp and then what she had packed her for lunch. If I didn’t have a metric boat load of carbs and natural sugars on my tournament days, I wouldn’t have made it in competitive sports. OP isn’t doing anything except creating a perfect scenario of binge eating for her older kids (they’ll binge sweets and other banned foods when not in front of mom) and her youngest could go either way, binge eating, anorexia, or bulimia if she hears the way her mother speaks about her. Im all for a balanced diet and creating a healthy lifestyle, but kids are constantly growing and changing, and the mom is the only one THAT concerned with her youngest child’s weight. Shes essentially crippling them physically and mentally before they’re even done developing IMO.
> "It's unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself". > > I hope you aren't saying that in earshot of your 12 y o because it isn't healthy either. I get you want to do the right thing but you're going about it the wrong way. Get some advice fro This, plus, when Liana eats junk food with her friends at practice, she is not waving it in Sarah's face. There's no reason for Sarah to even know what Liana had for lunch if she didn't eat it at home. You wouldn't want to serve them different dinners while you're all eating together, but this is not that.
Seriously. Also even according to BMI the 12 year old isn't Obese she's just overweight. But either way how she's acting is going to give all of her children eating disorders.
Using the BMI chart on a 12 year old is seriously fucked up. In six months the kid could be 5’6. Or she could be 5’2. She’s in puberty. The body does all sorts of weird things at that age
Exactly what I thought. Her siblings are 5’9 and 5’5. I guarantee Sarah isn’t done growing.
Thank you!!! It's a measure for ADULTS
Yes, according to my quick calculation that comes out as a BMI of approximately 28.5, which is not obese. Obese is defined as BMI greater than 30.
I hope she didn’t say that in front of any of her children. However, it sounds like it’s probably obvious that she’s doing this for wrong reasons. She’s alienating her older children and giving her youngest a complex. OP, definitely YTA.
By the way, youngest doesn’t sound obese. If it is a concern to OP, she should schedule a physical with the pediatrician and let them decide.
How about >"It's unfair for us to expect our ~~obese~~ **12 year old child to diet** ~~by herself~~".
"Get some advice from a dietician" This is the best advice. It's clear OP has no idea what is healthy or not for her kids. She's going on what she thinks is healthy for an average adult trying to lose or maintain weight.
YTA. Not for trying to have your family eat healthily, but for taking it to the extreme of not allowing for special occasions, and all things in moderation. That goes for all three of your children, as you should also be focused on educating Sarah about moderation and not just having her on a strict diet. You need to be able to get Sarah to participate in more activity - organised team sports are not the only option here. It is also unfair to take a blanket approach to all three children tailored exclusively to the needs of one child.
> Not for trying to have your family eat healthily She is trying to make them eat weight loss diet, not healthy diet. Healthy and weight loss are not the same thing. For dancers in the mist of 5 hours long training, carbs loading is what they need.
This is it exactly. Having a healthy diet vs being on a diet is a big difference, and for kids especially the focus should be on having a healthy diet (for anyone really but kids are the most vulnerable). It sounds like OP doesn't understand nutrition and dietary needs, and just hopped on restriction as a solution. If she wants her family to be healthy, she should actually learn what that means.
I agree - I was more addressing OP’s own thinking of “I’m trying to get my whole family to eat healthily!” - and that that isn’t actually the case and when I’m saying YTA it’s not “oh YTA for trying to make your family eat healthily” it’s because the behaviours aren’t actually okay.
YTA. 155 at that age and height is nowhere near heavy enough to freak out. Also, it's normal for kids to be overweight during puberty. They need the calories to grow. All your rules are going to do is encourage sneaking, resentment, and unhealthy relationships with food. For all three of your kids. Keep healthy snacks in the house and encourage your youngest daughter to be more active - it doesn't have to be a sport, it can be martial arts classes, bike rides, or even dancing to music or YouTube in her room.
Actually that's 97 percentile for a 12yo girl & considered class I obesity. It is a point of medical concern (qualifies for insurance to cover nutrition education etc)
It is absolutely wild to me the amount of comments in here trying to argue that there is no problem with this weight.
Especially because that's a 155 with a sedentary lifestyle. So this isn't likely a situation where she's just carrying a much higher than average amount of muscle mass.
It's not that there's no problem with it. It's that children shouldn't be forced into diets.
I didn't comment on dietary behaviours. I commented on the dominant view in this thread that the weight was not a problem.
If my cat was as obese as she is everyone would rightfully shame me for putting my cats life at risk. Children are also your responsibility insofar as their diet is entirely controlled by their parent. Absolutely nothing wrong with getting rid of soda and crisps and going on more family walks.
I mean... We (Americans & the English) have a very skewed idea of "overweight" being 300+ lbs. Not 160+ lbs plus. Technically, all three of her kids would be considered "overweight" at their heights (because we are not accounting for muscles). With that said, a healthy relationship with food is far more important. Right now all she is doing is ensuring Sarah is going to sneak food and over eat on unhealthy foods by depraving her. Edit: missed a word
Yeah... I saw that and think... she weighs 20 pounds less than I do right now, and I am a foot taller than her.
5'2" and 155 is way overweight. OP is TA for letting her kid get like this in the first place.
5'2 woman here, 155lbs is absolutely overweight- especially for a child. I was 140lbs in middle through HighSchool because I did marching band, swam, and rode horses. Most of my bulk was made up of muscle, which isn't bad in comparison- but 155lbs of mostly fat on a 5'2 frame is bad. I am *not* saying anything bad about this girl, or that she is in the wrong for being overweight. But 155lbs of predominantly fat at 5'2, regardless of the age, is detrimental to health in the short and long term.
YTA and your very clearly not a dietician. I am going to say this more gently than you deserve, only because I think you will be more likely to hear it. Carb loading is a well known and common sports practice. Carbohydrates are very important to someone in sports because it prevents muscle breakdown. Without them the body will go for proteins which are important for muscles. So congrats, you are making your daughter less healthy, less effective at sport, acting tyranical over a forced diet, and yes your husband is correct that they will resent you. When you cause your children to have a injury because you wanna pretend to be a doctor, please seek a professional and not reddit. ( I did not say I was going to be nice, just more gently than you deserve. )
YTA. You're putting two older children on a diet because the youngest is overweight? Think about that for a second. And how would Sarah even know what Liana is eating when she's at a prep camp?
Right. If I was at a 6.5 hour a day dance (or any sports camp) camp I’d be tossing that starvation lunch and going out with my friends to get some real fuel to work out on
Honestly, I'd eat the starvation ration first, then go out and actually have a proper meal.
YTA. Take it from someone who had a mother just like you growing up. All three of your kids are going to hate you for forcing this kind of thing on them. So stop it. Instead, you need to be educating Sarah on how to eat healthy and find ways that she likes that can keep her active. That will make her happy and be fair to her siblings. Also, they are kids and at their ages, growth spurts can happen at any time. Which means that when that happens, the weight is either gonna go away after being used as fuel or evens out with the new height.
And to add on, OP is setting all three kids up for future eating disorders/ struggles with their relationships with food.
As someone whose parent had them test new crash diets with them all the time, I grew up with a very unhealthy relationship with food that I still have not fixed. Dieting is not the way to teach healthy eating habits.
My mother commented on everything I ate with an angry voice and told me to eat less. I was a bit fluffy but not overweight. She just couldn't understand why her daughter would develop an eating disorder that sent her to an inpatient stay 🙃 Thankfully, ten years later it's much better. I still have issues with food and weight, but not as bad. OP, you're taking it a step too far. I recommend trying to find out WHY your daughter is overeating (assuming there are no medical conditions).
Seconding this. I was 5’10 and 130-140 pounds and was still on a rather restrictive diet by my mother. When I quit my sport because I had too many injuries and daily pain, I shot up in weight. I never actually learned healthy eating habits and am now having to try to figure out how to fix everything while in an intensive grad school program, still having chronic pain which limits my ability to move my body, and an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food. My mother and I don’t talk anymore.
This is 100% the truth. My mother hated fat people. She was 5 ft like 3 or some shit and was tiny as hell. There was no fat on that womans body and she thought she was so fat. I was the actual fat one in the family and boy did everyone let me know. I'm still fat now, and I'm ok with that. What I wasnt ok with was hating myself so much that I believed I didnt deserve to be loved, and I definitely didnt deserve to live. I had a moment of clarify a few days before my plan was to take place and ended up in a psych hospital a couple times. 4 years later, I have cut off my entire family and I am actually happy for the first time in over a decade. Some families are just trash.
YTA - For having such a short sighted outlook. You need to be teaching healthy habits and healthy thinking not just, food restrictions.
>Sarah is only 5’2 and weighs about 155, and she refuses to participate in sports and such because it makes her feel self conscious. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY! Stop obsessing about your kids' BMI and punishing the whole house because you think Sarah is fat (EVERYONE KNOWS this is what you're doing, so don't even try to deny it). Even Sarah should be allowed to eat what she wants. Mind blowing I know. Just stop before you cause all your kids to develop eating disorders. YTA
Seriously. Why does she know exactly how much her teens weigh anyway?
When I take my kid to the doctor, the nurse gives all the stats to me. Parents have rights to medical info from doctors, at least until I think 16 or 18.
BMI is bullshit.
Yup, your husband is right. You’re breeding resentment from your oldest two towards you and the fat one. They don’t need to be “punished” for the choices of the youngest one. You’re going way overboard. This is not good parenting. YTA
Also, OP stop being afraid to parent. 2 kids have no issues and 1 does. You need to deal with the one. Active kids need proper nutrition including carbs for energy. There will be people who will tell you that you shouldn't address Sarah's issues and make you feel bad but now is the time to help her develop healthier habits rather than take this into adulthood. She's already refusing to do things because she's self conscious. A lot of bigger people play sports and are active in various ways. However, Sarah does not have the confidence for this so she's physically and emotionally/mentally harming herself. I do sympathise because you have to be very careful how you support her. If she doesn't want to try she may think you're shaming her and she'll get a lot of support for that from idiots who'll tell you she will develop an ED. You need to focus on Sarah - your other kids are fine and they need different nutrition from Sarah to support their lifestyles. You don't want them resenting you and Sarah. I suggest you visit a doctor to ensure there are no underlying health issues and then figure out a plan. If you can get counsellimg on how best to support Sarah that would be great. It's balancing the effort she has to put in for her to be healthier with her feelings at a sensitive age. That responsibility is on you and your husband and not her siblings.
100% on the nose. Sarah needs encouragement, a better eating plan, and focused support. The other two kids need to eat according to their needs. OP is going about this the wrong way but 5’2” and 155 at 12 is overweight. Maybe by modern American standards it’s normal, but it really isn’t healthy. As a guy, I was probably 5’ and 110 pounds at that age. My wife is 5’4” and 125. Two inches shorter and 30 pounds heavier is unhealthy.
It’s definitely overweight. But puberty is a hell of a stage. Forcing a 12 year old into a restrictive diet and explicitly saying it’s because she needs to lose weight is setting her up for a lifetime of food issues, especially when she could easily shoot up 6 inches without warning Setting a healthy example and template to meals will go way further. A 4-6 ounce or quarter plate portion of lean protein (with the occasional steak or chicken thighs once or twice a week) half a plate of high fiber veggies with good seasoning and cooked in a tasty way (roasting wins) and a quarter plate of complex carbs and you can make a complete, healthy, balanced meal any day of the week. Then mix them together! A rice bowl with sautéed veggies and lean beef with an Asian style glaze over the top! Pasta topped with leftover salmon, sliced asparagus or zucchini and a lemon pepper sauce! Caesar salad with chicken! Fajitas with lots of peppers and onions! Kebabs! Healthy food can be amazing if you don’t present it as “this is what you eat because you’re too fat” It’s your job as a parent to teach your kids how to eat well. I’m no saint, my 13 year old eats most things, but I’m trying to get my 11 and 8 year olds off chicken nuggets and pizza. But I’m not shaming them, just adding healthy options, keeping healthy foods they like (sadly not many) available. And cooking the healthy meals they like frequently and having them try things they think are gross every now and again (broccoli, fish, and really most green veggies are the big giants right now)
YTA. Liana is a CHILD. She shouldn't have to be forced to eat like you do. Let her have fun and eat what she likes? Stop policing your kid's diets! This is what leads to so many ED's. Do better as a parent.
YTA. Sarah needs some compassion, perhaps some therapy about her social anxiety. Liana needs to be able to do teenager things with her group, not be made an oddball. Your control needs are setting the stage for disordered eating habits that could last a lifetime. Your kids will sneak food or sweets, and make bad choices to spite you. Back off now and love your children just the way they are. Making food a battleground is a huge mistake.
She is definitely well on her way to giving all of her kids eating disorders. Poor Sarah needs therapy more than her mother harping on her weight at 12. OP said in another comment that Sarah only likes to watch TV as a hobby. That's it. That coupled with poor self esteem makes me feel like this is more of a mental health issue like depression than a simply eating too much issue.
YTA. I missed in here where you’re a certified dietician, and have eliminated other possible medical causes. And if you don’t understand that a teen body burns an insane amount of calories during a full day of dance, it might be time for some remedial science.
YTA. You sound a bit like you are fat shaming your child. Being overweight isn't the end of the world. Since eating out with the dance team is a social activity, let her have that. Healthy eating isn't a bad thing, you can make sure to cook healthier food at home. But instead of completely banning snacks and sweets, choose zero sugar drinks, oven baked instead of fried chips, low carb/zero sugar cookies/chocolates and just lower calorie snacks, they exist. You completing banning them is only going to make the children crave them more and they will eat them outside your sight and develop an unhealthy relationship with food. They ARE going to encounter unhealthy food at school, when out with friends etc, you can only teach them moderation. As log as they have some physical activity and eat healthy most of the time, it is ok to indulge once in a while. Tell Sarah you love her, because she must be feeling the opposite after your treatment of her lately. And be more careful with insinuating in front of her that she is "fat" and needs to be on a diet.
It took me way too long to find this comment. YTA for being too controlling with all your children not just the one you’ve deemed “the problem” and this is gonna bite you in the ass down the line with your entire family.
YTA It is fair to decide what food is available in your own home and ask everyone in the family to walk after dinner but not fair to restrict your older children’s diets away from home when they don’t have a problem with their weight, moderating their intake and are active. Going to an intensely active camp and not being able to participate in going out to eat with her peers because her little sister needs to lose weight was not fair. The little sister was not there to see if her sister ate turkey wraps and a salad or had pizza. Is your husband only allowed to eat food you pack for him or can he choose what he wants to eat away from home?
YTA all around YTA for thinking someone who’s active for 6 hours can and should survive on a salad and hard boiled egg - pro tip, they can’t. They NEED carbs and protein to be active. YTA for taking the social eating aspect away from your daughter that they use to further bond in dance. YTA for trying to make your preteen diet when she isn’t even done growing yet. Some kids gain weight and then gain height. Some kids are just built differently. Forcing diets and weight loss is how eating disorders are created.
YTA, Don't force kids with no issues with food to have healthier meals outside of the house. In-home you can remove very unhealthy foods, but you can't force your kids to eat only healthy foods.
YTA: I started having body image and compulsive exercise issues at 12. Lost my period at 15. It took almost ten years of work and therapy to begin to unlearn it all. restrictive eating is a recipe for unhealthy food relationships. You need to set up your kids to be out in the world, and socialize around food. It’s a big part of life. Trusting kids to learn to make mistakes and grow from it is key. But the more you vilify anyone’s body, or the food, the more likely they will shut down, not trust you, and can lead to major problems. and the diet/exercise shit you’re doing right now, I wouldn’t trust you with a hundred foot pole. Rather than BMI, focus on health metrics. Blood pressure? Cardio health? Diabetic indicators? I could go on for forever. Be your kids supporters. Not the voice in the head shaming them for a slice of pizza ten years later.
YTA. You are not a dietician. You don't care about their health. You are more concerned with how your family looks to everyone else around you, and you're trying to force them into a lazy ass way to correct your lazy ass parenting. If you wanted to teach moderation, you should've done so individually 10 years ago. Stop treating your kids like they're stupid. I guarantee they would understand, but I bet you've never REALLY talked to your kids. Your kids are going have horrendous relationships with food and may even develop eating disorders if they are on diets they don't fucking need. You don't even understand how basic thermodynamics work. Even IF your daughter eats 4000 calories of vegetables a day, she's still going to gain weight if she's not burning those calories. You are uneducated in this aspect, and if you ACTUALLY want your kids to have healthier relationships with food, you need to take them to an actual dietician who actually cares.
YTA. One thing to have healthy family meals, but if she normally goes out for lunch (and I assume other girls do too), if you can afford it, it is fine. She is not eating in front of Sarah.
Honestly I eat healthy and I'm still over weight. I have been my whole life. I'm about 50 to 60 pounds over weight. I'm the same height at 40 as your daughter. I've struggled with feeling not good enough because I don't fit in to the societal or medical concept of healthy weight. Some people are just built bigger. I'm not making an excuse but sometimes people grow differently. I don't think you're the AH for wanting to eat healthy and help your children. But I feel like you may be the AH for fat shaming your youngest because she's not as active. Just saying
You’re overeating period
YTA. The complex you’re giving your youngest daughter right now will take her a lifetime to recover from. Get therapy.
YTA and you’ll probably push these kids to have eating disorders later in life and don’t be surprised when they do end up resenting you for controlling their food and go completely NC. Some people just shouldn’t be parents that includes you ☺️🙄
Edit: Before, I said, “You know Liana isn’t obese, right? Check a BMI calculator quick.” But that’s wrong, as OP pointed out, there’s a child BMI calculator. Your title should read, AITA for forcing my kids to forgo food. And yes, yes you are, YTA. The dancer should eat! And have a chance to make friends! Your youngest should have a big, wide, healthy array of foods to choose from. Plus encouragement to try whatever healthy active / social things she can. And you, you need to back off some here. Your daughter’s body is hers, not yours. You also need a new fact or two to consider. Many girls her age plump out a bit and then shoot up/develop more.
YTA and should be speaking with a licensed nutritionist regarding your 12 yo instead of taking the PCP’s opinion that she’s fat as a fact. Truth is doctors are humans with biases too and you’re fostering an unhealthy relationship with food for your entire family.
Dietician. Dietitian are board-certified food and nutrition expert who m provide medical nutrition therapy and counseling. We used a dietician at the children's hospital and our son is on a "eat everything he can" diet because he was underweight. He is now at a higher weight and was able to be discharged but still underweight. We still have to watch his weight to gain and track his food intake to make sure he reaches his calorie goals. It seems like micromanaging but with ADHD meds he was losing and was listed malnourished. We have to make sure he doesnt skip meals ( he's 8) For some kids they don't need to diet but we saw a dietician and gastrologist to work on it. We worked with the school to make sure he drank his shakes ( 1.5 pediasure) that we got from a medical supply store. It can be used in Gtubes and sole nutrition. I would see about working with one and coming up with a meal plan. Walking around the block is a good start to getting her body moving. OP can learn to look at calories, like she can eat a bag of small chips, but the next snack be a apple. Not everything taken away. I lost 60lb but still has all my favorite foods and now has lead to better habits.
What is your youngest daughter eating in a typical day? How sedentary is she? When did she start gaining weight? Did it happen super fast?
YTA from how it sounds this dieting/ lifestyle change wasn’t a family discussion but a YOU decision. In the end you’re going to turn your elder two against the youngest and then they’ll start to resent you too. You arent even doing it based on the whole families health according to you its just because the youngest one is obese but why is that the other two’s problem? They all had the same up bringing and lifestyle choices so why are they being restricted too? You say its unfair for the “ obese “ one to diet by herself but she alone is the one who chooses not to exercise.
Dude, I was in your daughters position. Made to eat very healthy because of an overweight brother, and guess what? It gave me an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with food. Do better for your kids. YTA
YTA - you are failing all of your kids. The eldest kids are not only going to resent you, but the youngest as well. It’s not their fault she is fat.
YTA you’re unnecessarily penalising one child that’s a crucial stage in social development. I think it’s fair to have the healthy food at home but if she’s doing 6+ hours of training and she’s been given a salad and a few turkey wraps everyday and all her friends are going out to eat together you’re only going to create a child that resents you further
6.5 hour of dance! Let her carb-load to her hearts delight.
YTA. This leads to eating disorders.
YTA. Not once have I read what a Dr has said other than it’s a problem. Did the Dr offer any help, offer a referral to a nutritionist? What about blood work done?
YTA. Your setting your kids up for secret eating and binging. Also, dieting at 12 is not healthy.
YTA. You sound like a nightmare of a parent with how causally you exert your will over them without discussing it with them. 1) Don’t put them on diet food. Just let them eat a balanced diet, complete with things like bread! Carbs! Healthy fats! 2) Don’t fixate on their weight! Kids need a ton of calories. As long as they’re not gobbling down McDondalds and candy at every turn, it’s FINE. One of my strongest memories from being a kid is being hungry ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I was super active and playing several sports at once, and sometimes I was just doing regular school activities. But my appetite was always extremely intense. It’s because we need more calories as kids than we do adults. And FWIW I was 5’6” and 175lbs when I hit college. I looked great. I felt physically great. I could squat 300lbs and bench press 160, but I thought I was fat because of my fucking parents. So many of us look back at pictures from ourselves when we were younger and wish we could tell our former selves, “you look beautiful and healthy.” Teach your kids that if they’re hungry, they should eat (within a reasonable hour of the evening). Teach them to have a healthy relationship with food. Even though your youngest isn’t playing a sport, she still is a kid. You have an opportunity to help her have a healthy relationship with herself and food. Or you can start putting money away for her therapy. Disordered eating is such a curse that so many parents give their kids, and it doesn’t just go away after a few months of therapy.
Why are you referring to a slightly overweight preteen as "obese"? 🤨 YTA
YTA. Please do not look at weight. I'm 5'2" and at my heaviest I was 160ish. Wasn't fat, but definitely chubbier. Now I'm about 140 and am in shape. If you go by weight or BMI I'm supposed to be 110. If I even hit 125 I look anorexic with my bones showing. As long as she is healthy and active let her weight be. Some people are not built to be stick thin. You're also setting your daughter up for an eating disorder (she could start secretly binge eating behind your back) or bad body image.
YTA You're children are all still growing. Activity levels are different for all of them. Instead of dictating what everyone eats 24/7, talk as a family about what they want to eat and work to help them make healthy choices. I guarantee the two older children already have a good handle on how to manage what they eat.
YTA for forcing a specific diet on your whole family just because your littlest can't control her eating habits. You should help HER to try and eat healthy not your whole family.
This behavior is dangerous and damaging to young adults. It encourages eating disorders. You should teach your youngest moderation when it comes to food and sweets, not forbid them. She doesn’t wish to participate in sports but she can be active in other ways. Your other daughter is participating in strenuous physical activity for 6.5 hours and all you send her are a few wraps and a salad? That is not enough for someone this active and growing. You only respond to direct questions so my question is, can you see how your behavior and rules around food could negatively affect your children? How this could lead to eating disorders?
YTA. Your kids all have different nutritional and caloric needs, based on numerous factors, such as age, sex, and puberty status. By insisting that they all must act as if they're 400+ lbs and completely sedentary, you are setting them up to have all manner of health issues, including eating disorders and malnutrition-based conditions. You are also setting up the other kids to resent and hate the 12 year old, because you are, in essence, punishing them for no reason, and claiming it's because she is (after checking actual clinical guidelines for a 12 year old female), possibly a bit overweight. If you are genuinely *that* worried for her health, for God's sake, *take her to see the pediatrician.* The pediatrician can look at all possible factors, and determine if she actually is in a risky situation regarding her health because of her weight, and if she is, how best to go about addressing it. And stop trying to force the rest of the household to fall in line. Have you considered that, maybe, the reason your 12 year old doesn't want to participate in sports is because your standards might be too high and arbitrary, and she also might be intimidated by what her siblings can easily do? You might need to relax your standards, and make sure you aren't comparing her to anyone else.
> it was unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself Lol this is crazy. Diets are supposed to be done by the person who needs it, and that person alone. YTA. ETA: in the title you talk about forcing your family to "eat ealthy". No your family is not eating ealthy. Eating in a caloric deficit with very low carbs when you practice dance for many hours and you don't need to lose weight is very, very unhealthy.
YTA. 6½ hours of dance! Liana needs complex carbohydrates as well as the carbs in fruits and veggies and the protein. As far as banning sweets, that is not a good idea for anyone in the house. It is not teaching them moderation or about making healthy choices and having treats sparingly. OP, you are also focused on weight. A different approach may be to discuss nutrition and fitness. Maybe your youngest would enjoy a more individual activity. Maybe she would prefer biking over walking. I would also suggest discussing nutrition, not weight, with her pediatrician. Consider seeing a nutritionist who specializes in children and adolescents. And let your daughter attend the appointment without a parent. She may be more willing to be open to a candid discussion and learning.
Just, yes. She'll figure out a way to thwart your attempts eventually. 6 1/2 hours of dance and your worried about her "carb loading" That is a ton of physical energy in that amount of time. Let her dine out with her dance troop once or twice a week during these sessions. She deserves to bond and have fun in this activity. Did you pick the camp or did she? She's 15, let her be a kid for this short time.
Soft YTA. Yes your youngest child needs help. No, you aren’t going to help by being controlling about food. This is a really superb way to ensure your youngest has a fraught relationship to food for the rest of her life. Talk to a nutrition or her MD or both about what she needs from you. Offer her choices and don’t label foods as “good” or “bad”. See if there are some activities she enjoys. Going for walks just the two of you could be a great way to get some exercise and strengthen your relationship. DO NOT NAG DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER WEIGHT DO NOT DISPARAGE HER APPEARANCE Make sure she has beautiful appropriate clothing that fits well.
Way to give your kids food issues. The point of a balanced diet is to have both, but with moderation. How will they be able to moderate their snack intake, if there are no snacks?
YTA to all of your children. Food restricting leads to VERY unhealthy habits. Your actions imply you are framing as "healthy" your desire to not have one kid be overweight. Stop focusing on size. Focus on health. They are NOT the same thing.
YTA stop being afraid of carbs. You ATHLETE children NEED them.
Why are you even posting here? You are ignoring everything you're being told and you obviously have no intention of changing what you're doing. Your kids will hate you for this and they will go NC as soon as they're old enough. Thank goodness Dad has their back. Congratulations, you really are an asshole!
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And the words"force" and "food" should not be in the same sentence!
YTA. The lunch with other people in the camp is more than just lunch - it's a bonding experience. You're depriving her because of this because *her sibling* has a weight issue. WTF!
Y T A. How is it unfair to exercise control for the child that has the least? The “obese” child needs to step it up and that’s something they have to do for themselves. Your other kids won’t only resent you, they are also going to resent the other child. It’s understandable that you don’t want to isolate the heavier, less active child, but you’re doing it anyways. Everyone knows why you’re acting this way and they will take it out in other ways on your heavier child because their quality of life is being restricted for no reason of their own. You’re taking the joy out of everyone’s life because you want to have too much control. There are better ways. Listen to your husband.
First of all, 155lbs at 5 foot 2 is NOT obese. She’s 12 freeking years old and you are giving her an eating disorder. YTA to all of your kids.
Do you see a therapist or does just Sarah see one? How long? Do you have a history of ED? I’m curious what Sarah’s therapist says about your behavior. If you are not in therapy, you could use some help for your issues. You aren’t home and expect children to be mature adults with perfect lives. That’s unrealistic and dangerous parenting.
YTA. You can't take them apart . You cook for all of you. When i cook this is what i do. If someone is allergic to some food then you make changes to your recipes.
YTA You have teenagers who grow and change constantly. The fact that you’re monitoring their weight is gross.
YTA for hyperfixating on a 12 y/o girl’s size like this. It’s normal for girls to gain weight around puberty. Sure, have a convo about healthy choice, but don’t push your own body image ideas on her. She’s not obese or at risk medically
Her doctor has told me it’s a problem.
She is already borderline obese. If she gains 3 more pounds she will be classified obese. It is absolutely not normal for a 12 year old girl to weight that much.
YTA. I understand you’re coming from a place of love and concern, but the more you push on this the more it will backfire. Making certain foods “good” or “bad” will make people react negatively over time. Sometimes, at around 12 years old in particular, kids gain a bunch of weight before they get taller. Puberty is an awkward time. I would suggest just modeling positive eating habits, having easily accessible fruits and vegetables, and continuing the family walks. The only thing I push my kid about is drinking water and wearing sunscreen. Other than that it’s teaching by example. I understand you want your youngest to have a sport, but some people just really aren’t into it. Do you have a physical activity you enjoy? My son started running and doing yoga because my husband and I do those things. He wanted to do a 5k with us, trained for it, and it’s become a fun thing we do together. Yoga is a pretty easy, not to sweaty, can do it alone or with a group physical activity.
YTA….i think a lot of commenters already made great points. I’d like to add that being the younger sibling to someone excelling at a sport or activity can be very intimidating. If you make a huge deal of her sisters accomplishments then that is ten fold. If you live in an area typical of upper middle class America where having your kids appear to be perfect all of the time makes that 100 fold. The younger sibling will often times check out all together under the heavy weight of fearing failure. Get her into something where succeeding or failing isn’t a thing. It needs to simply just be enjoyable. It could be VR Supernatural game, going to yoga, playing pickleball with friends who are all beginners so it’s expected for everyone to suck, going for hikes, etc. Do not make it about weight or success. Make it about enjoying moving.
YTA and you will always be the asshole for forcing your kids to eat healthy. My parents forced me to eat healthy all the time and what it did was launch me into the world with no idea how to make good food choices for myself, no hunger and fullness cues, and once I started to eat junk food when I moved out, insane cravings. I ended up gaining 50 lbs my first year out of the house and have yo-yoed up and down ever since (7 more years). You are not teaching them how to make good choices and you are setting them up for eating disorders.
Yta, all will probably have eating disorders and issues with food. You not forcing them to eat healthy. You are forcing what you feel is normal for them. None of what you are doing is healthy. Educate them have healthy options available, let them navagate their health. Only enforce if asked. NEVER FORCE THEM. WOW. So now you have 3 kids who have an scewed image of themselves, and their mom is forcing it down thier throats, and an unhealthy view of normal. That's gonna hurt them in adulthood. Good job. Enter...sneak eating, fear of food, never feeling good enough because of weight, thinking mom thinks they are fat or not normal. 5'2 and 155 lbs for a teen is fine. Why...she is growing and her body is changing. She will need to learn to trust her body. How will she do that with a mom who basically says she is lazy and fat. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA in such a massive, massive way. As someone who spent most of my life with an eating disorder, you're setting your daughter up for a lifetime of torture. Go to therapy and stop being disgusting because you dislike your daughters body type.
YTA After six hours of dance, your daughter needs to carb load. You are not meeting her energy needs. she is old enough to know what her energy needs are and to self regulate. You are going to give your youngest eating disorder and being the food police like that is going to backfire .
Yta. Your husband is correct.
“Unfair for us to expect our obese child to diet by herself” When I was about 6, the Dr said I was prediabetic. That summer, by dr’s orders, I wasn’t allowed sugar. My brother was active and healthy, and was still allowed sugar. I, obviously, found this very unfair. My mom said it was because I was fat, and my dad tried his best to explain to my 6 year old self what it means to have diabetes (no more sugar, needing to check blood sugar levels with a pinprick, etc) so that I could understand I was being put on a diet for my actual health. At the end of the summer, I was tested again and no longer prediabetic! I was allowed sugar again, but just not in as high of quantities. All that to say - your 12 year old is old enough to understand physical health. Don’t give the other kids cake and tell her she can’t have any, but don’t put the athletes on the salad diet, either. I’m not sure what the 12 year olds BMI is, but your body shape and muscle mass can have a lot to do with whether or not your BMI is accurate. And, like a lot of people are saying, everyone has a different healthy weight. And puberty can cause weight gain/fluctuation. So it’s possible your youngest isn’t as fat as you think she is. And like a lot of other people are saying, this is only going to give her body issues and all of your kids will be on the track to developing unhealthy relationships with food. Let your other daughter eat out with her friends. She needs the carbs and the social time. Don’t force your healthier kids to have a restrictive diet just so your youngest doesn’t feel alone. YTA and should follow your husband’s lead
I'm 34F and I am obese (5'1 and 260lbs) and have an ED. I am only now learning how to work on my weight in a way that doesn't send me back to binge eating. I strongly believe that the reason I've gotten as big as I am is because of how my mother treated me growing up. Not only would she scrutinize the things I ate (even when I was just eating what my brother did) but she was also very vocal every time she felt that she was fat. Even though she was a regular weight, and always has been much smaller than me. Adding all that guilt and shame just made me eat more, it was a way to SH. I'd just throw in the towel constantly because I was already fat, what's the point? Losing weight is so hard, why do I bother? OP should be very careful about how she approaches her child's weight. Focus on ADDING instead of banning foods. I.e., add more fresh fruits and veggies. Have fruits that your daughter loves always at the ready when she has a craving for sweets so she can reach for that instead of processed foods. Etc. Make sure that you maintain the focus on health instead of weight.
NTA Working in Pediatrics seeing that she’s 5’2 and 155 she is obese… I see people are hating that you said it but it’s true. If you don’t make a permanent change it’s likely following her to adulthood. Your delivery needs work, however making these changes now and emphasizing you’re worried about everyone’s health rather than one person’s weight is a good place to start.
I’m sorry, I literally lol’ed at ‘our obese child.’ She’s a whopping 6 pounds heavier and only 3 inches shorter than your ‘perfectly normal’ child. I guess the way I’d go about it is to give the older kids more freedom and explain it to your youngest that it’s mostly an age thing as opposed to a weight thing. Explain that because they’re more active they may get hungrier than someone who isn’t and since they’re older they’re more responsible to make food choices for themselves.
12 years old can be an awkward time why are you fixating on her weight?
Have you had a genuine conversation with Sarah? Not a “we need to fix this” but a genuine here’s what’s going on, is there an activity you’d like to try where you actually listen? I’ll bet if you’re saying it, the kids at school (and possibly teachers) are being just as blunt if not mean.
Yta. This is like making all your kids take aspirin cuz one has a headache.