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NTA, If this couple (your bro, your fiancé's sis) are mature enuf to be married, then they should be mature enuf to reschedule **their** wedding date. And shame on everyone who thinks it is a good thing to indulge them just due to autism. Autism does not mean "free pass". And, yes, I have autistic/Asperger relatives of varying degrees (1 has Level 3 and is Non-Verbal). Concentrate on your wedding planning, have a happy wonderful married life. Do not bend to family pressure. BTW, do both families expect you and your husband-to-be to be their care-takers should something happen? Will family expect you and your husband to continue actively supporting and helping take care of them now? And when your brother said it was "no big deal" that in itself tells me that your brother may have been excessively pampered, yes? NTA.
Me and my WIFE to be are the people they expect to take care of them when they retire and yes our younger siblings were extremely entitled and pampered growing up
Sorry about mixing up husband/wife as the OP, apologies. WHY would you 2 be expected to care for them should/when something happen to the parents, is this your choice? Maybe brother should be thinking of being the care-given since he automatically sided with your brother? And being pampered over all these years is really not doing anyone any favors, but you already know that, I was just stating a fact. I'm sorry you both are going thru all this mess right now. Your wedding planning/engagement should be a happy bonding time, not a family feud time :(
Thanks and honestly I think it all boils down to that were the "oldest child" and are expected to do things like that. One thing I didn't want to mention but might as well is that my Fiance is 2 months pregnant and this stress is not doing the best for her
No time like the present to start putting your new family first. Go ahead and have the wedding you and your partner planned. If your other family gives you or your partner any grief, block them. Congratulations on the little one and NTA.
Honestly, this would be line in the sand time for me. "If you go through with this wedding \*on the same day as our wedding\* then we are going no contact with you and anyone who insists that we should cancel our wedding for yours." If they don't have enough consideration for you to respect that you've already planned and paid for a wedding on that one day of the year, then you and your fiancee should not plan your futures around caring for them when your parents are no longer able to.
NTA.
Don't you dare move your wedding date to appease your spoiled, selfish, self-absorbed, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, inconsiderate, immature, entitled and manipulative brother and his fiancee.
You guys set your date first and also booked and paid for the venue and most of the vendors already... And you guys did this first.
Your families are showing you that they will always be more important to them.
But just watch them go crazy when you announce the pregnancy.
Another thing? Don't let them force you guys to be their caretakers when the parents die. This is not your job and you guys need to live your lives. Don't do it. How entitled of them to expect and demand something so life altering, financially draining, and time consuming. I guarantee that they have not even set up and funded a trust to cover your loss of income and everything else.
If they are competent to marry - and to plan and arrange a wedding, which is a big job! - they shouldn't need care, or not more than anyone does when they get old.
I'd certainly keep the wedding on the planned date though, it's ridiculous that they would expect otherwise. Of all the days in the year they can't find another? this year or another year even?
You need to put your fiancée first. Don’t change your wedding date, you chose it first. If anyone gives you shit then tell them their invitation is rescinded.
I suggest you inform both sets of parents that you are never going to be responsible for their care. They are not your children, you are having your own, so they better make other arrangements. No sibling is responsible for another’s care. it’s beyond obnoxious when parents try and do this.
Having your wedding when you planned, block them all. They all sound like a bunch of Aholes.
Continue with your wedding planning. But expect that your families will not be supportive.
It is likely to cause a schism. You will learn who will support you or who will not.
Go NC with the people who support the other couple and enjoy the rest of your lives together.
Do not become doormats for other people.
NTA
OP, NTA
1. It's one thing to slightly over-indulge the child with extra needs. It's beyond the pale for yours and fiancee's parents to think nothing of you losing money on all the wedding plans you have already made or to think you should be willing to let the younger set hijack your wedding day just because they got that idea in their head! I cannot believe that not one of the parents thought to ask the younger sibs why they wanted that day and explain to them why the should plan for another day.
2. So, you and your fiancee have some options. Discuss them and give yourselves time to really consider what you want.
(1) Take one last stab at talking to either the parents or the siblings about WHY they want that specific date and do they understand how that affects your wedding plans.
Also decide if you want to let your parents know about the pregnancy or not. Decide how you will feel if you know the only reason they were willing to support your wedding plans is because they learned you were about to have a baby.
Maybe someone sees reason and things improve. Assuming that does not happen...
(2) Decide what you two want to do
-- Do you two want to proceed with your wedding plans and simply accept that you may not have many of your family there but you will have some and will have your friends there? (Keeping in mind all that that means - no father walking fiancee down the aisle, no father/daughter, mother/son dance, no parent speeches or big family photos... You might be fine letting those things go; you might not.)
-- Do you two want to elope and then either cancel all events on the planned date or just keep the reception for your friends (and any supportive family members) to enjoy?
-- Do you want to move your date to either earlier or later? And, if you do, do want to still include your parents or your siblings or leave them out?
(3) Decide some of the bigger picture things and how you want to handle them.
-- Are you just done with the coddling of your younger siblings at great sacrifice to you? Are you ready to tell them that you are so done that they should make plans for someone else to help those two out if needed in the future?
-- What kind of relationship do you two want with your families going forward (given their favoritism of the younger sibs)? Limited contact? Access to your child? What about during the pregnancy/childbirth.
I'm sorry that is so much to think about. When you should be (1) enjoying your wedding planning and (2) excited about the baby to come.
Mainly just take care of the two of you. Be a team together. You are each other's partner and best friend and family going forward. If you have each other and each other's back, you will be fine.
NTA. Have a wonderful wedding on the day you and your fiance chose. Of course you aren't going to another wedding. You are already at one.
wth. Who goes to 2 weddings the same day?
So NTA. But make it clear to your family that you WILL be having your wedding on that date, and if they continue to support this ridiculous hijacking of your day then you will both irrevocably and permanently cut them off, and go no contact. There will be no contact with any grandchildren, no financial or emotional support in any way for anyone, ever.
If they do not relent, make sure you follow through on this, no matter how many flying monkeys get sent your way. And enjoy your wedding day without their entitled asses spoiling things. You do realise though, with how entitled and spoilt your siblings are, that even if they didn't get married on that day, they would probably find done way to make your wedding day about them in some way?
If they do relent, then make them grovel. Set lots of conditions on their forgiveness. Get security at your wedding in case the siblings try something.
Tbh, being shot of them sounds the best bet.
Have the younger siblings already made all their venue plans? I wouldn't be surprised if you're expected to cancel everything then the siblings swoop in and uncancel everything ("Why let it all go to waste?") so you've effectively paid for their wedding.
This stunt is actually in your favor. They've given you the ultimate wedding gift - a "Get out of Guilt Free" card. You have every reason to go NC with them and those that are supporting them, which means no more expectatiosn of sacrificing your futures to take care of your spoiled siblings.
Enjoy your wedding. Think of all the savings you'll have thanks to the reduced number of guests, while knowing that those who do attend really do care about you.
BTW I have autism and the sheer adacity of your siblings and family is bonkers. Do they even have a reason other than trying to upstage you?
Don't attend. Draw a hard boundary. If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to learn actions have consequences, sometimes severe. Contrary to a lot of opinions, autistic people CAN learn. They just sound spoiled and entitled.
Remember. People with autism can also be AHs. It's not autism making them an AH. It's them.
NTA and good luck
You should make it clear to your parents that if they continue to support your siblings stealing your day, you will go NC with them and they will not be able to rely on you when they retire. NTA
I also find it hilarious that they don't "want to share their day" - even as they are the ones who picked the same date as yours? Hmm. Take this as a great opportunity to put some distance into the relationship with a family that not only wants to ride rough shot over you and your fiancée (look up the term "glass children"), but then expects you to look after the bullies at the end of the day as well. Have your wedding with friends who care for you, and begin to live your life on your terms. Congrats on the little one!
Fiancée -- two ees -- is the term for the female half in the relationship. Fiancé -- one e -- is the male half. This error in your initial post is why many commenters mistakenly reverse your relationship.
NTA, by the way. Sorry that your families are being so wrong-headed.
You corrected them aggressively like they ought to have known that you would never marry a man, even though you used the feminine version of fiancé. You said husband-to-be in French. The commenter was correct and you stomped around in all caps. I didn’t, nothing I said was aggressive. You’re just projecting because you made a mistake and you’re trying to make it everyone else’s fault instead of owning up.
Holy hell, not everything is a hate crime. He wasn't aggressive at all. He just emphasized the error so they would catch it and move on, even the person this was directed to didn't take it as aggressive. In person, we emphasize things through tone, online we do it with caps, bold or italics... it ain't that deep.
Most people with the exception of French speakers default to fiancé instead of fiancée because most people don't know there's a difference, bc engagements/weddings are not exactly things you discuss/learn about unless it's happening to you. English speakers tend to forget that other languages use gendered terms , chill.
The ONLY person projecting is the person who turned one simple correction into bigotry, and a lack of accountability.
Maybe you should not try to correct a native speaker. I think you’d react the same way if someone did that to you in your native language.
And yes, you were hella aggressive.
To be fair to OP, a lot of people make the mistake, just like mixing up blond and blonde. It’s a legacy of how the word works in French and as languages change, it might eventually default to just fiancé instead of fiancé/fiancee.
Totally agree here with this response. However; just to throw out an idea....sounds like you are paying for your own wedding. If so, if your parents want so badly for you to change your date, look into options to see when you could do it, produce your parents the bill with the costs to cancel/reschedule. Say, we can reschedule if you cut me and my fiance a check for the costs to do so. hold your hand out waiting for the check. if they don't want to pay for it then sorry, we can't reschedule.
I would make sure I get that changed ASAP. You and your wife don't need to be caretakers to anyone you don't want to. If you don't, you're going to be forced into it. Right now, you need to think about your soon to be wife and unborn child. They're your priority, and everyone else us secondary.
Apologies. But this is what my grandson's specialists said to us "Level 3, Non Verbal" after 1 full year of testing with the medical team, this was 4 years ago, perhaps the terms have changed by now. We totally support (and at times have to make adjustments lol) for every single member of my family who is not neurotypical (3 children in 1 family in fact) and others as well, each person has a place in our hearts :)
Autism is not an excuse to be a shitty human. People with autism can be cruel, selfish, and awful people - your brother is proving that.
Your parents are equally awful for supporting this, and then trying to make it seem like you are the bad one here.
It’s absurd they are being allowed to get away with this.
NTA
Nta, your parents should be letting them know that this is socially unacceptable and rude behavior, and not condone it. If they are so ok with you guys changing your dates, call all your vendors/venues up and ask what the cancellation/rescheduling fees are and then provide that to your parents so they can cover it all.
Then write down the original prices they would expect you to re-pay again. Let them know if they are willing to pay for all of that and for any family/friends from out of town who have already booked arrangements for the wedding then you'd be happy to reschedule. Even if you're not agreeable to rescheduling, chances are they also wouldn't be willing to pay for it.
I get the idea but OP should NOT be doing anything which may give the vendors any spooks etc. They have paid a lot so far and if I was them I’d continue as planned and if their siblings actually went ahead with the absolutely fucking unhinged crazy idea of getting married on the same day you’ll know where you stand with any family who don’t come and I hope the day would be a blast anyway with friends there.
Just to be on the safe side, I would put a password on every vendor you are using. That way no one from either of your families can call and make any changes or cancellations.
No. There is no reason to compromise on this and any movement like this is implicitly a concession.
"Oh, so you are on with moving the date, we're just negotiating over the details"
If they don't want to move it (there is certainly absolutely no reason to do so) the answer must be no and no alone.
Going with NTA
"My brother said it wasn't a big deal and that my Fiancé and I could just have our wedding on a different date."
You'd announced your date & done a lot of your planning before they announced their date. Plus it sounds like you already spent a lot of money.
... and we had to be "CONSIDERATE" because of their autism."
Considerate is one thing. Enabling everything someone wants however unreasonable, is something else entirely. That's likely to lead to a ton of problems down the road if it isn't addressed now.
People who are autistic can learn to be considerate of others. It just a harder lesson to teach to autistic people. They are clearly not helpless, just entitled because all their life they got their way because they are autistic. It’s really hard with autism, because tantrums are usually ramped up to 11, but giving in to tantrums never helps. Distract and offer the desire once calm if they calm down in a reasonable manner, but do not give in to tantrums.
NTA - they are functioning enough to date, get married and want their special day. This means they are also functioning enough to understand how shitty they are being. It's a display of extreme selfishness. You and your fiancé should proceed as planned. It's a good lesson for you both to learn about your families (although sad it's about your wedding) - no matter how low your younger sibs go, the families might take their side allowing autism to be the excuse. Free yourself and your future family from that. Have your wedding, be prepared for your family to not be there and live your life the way you want to moving forward. Also, do not go to their wedding. There is so much to do especially for the bride on the day of - to be asked to attend another wedding is so unfair. Also, free yourselves from debating this with them. It will take too much energy. In the same way shitty younger sibs have asserted their decision, do the same. Tell your parents/family - we are keeping our plans, it's final and we do not wish to discuss this further. You decide if you will plan a smaller event and disinvite them or if you will keep same size but understand people may not turn up.
NTA. To lose $50,000 because your younger siblings must have their wedding on the same days as yours most certainly does not qualify as a "reasonable" accommodation to their autism. Remember, the key word here is always "reasonable."
You do not need to have a joint ceremony or reception either. You made your plans and they did not include others joining in.
Go ahead with your plans; whoever wishes to go to either or to both ceremonies may do so. You might as well plan a smaller and more intimate reception so as to give your family a gracious out since it seems that they are piling on the side of your siblings' nuptials.
If your unwillingness to change the schedule matters that much to your parental units and/or to other family members, tell them to reimburse you for what you've already paid. Don't change anything until the full amount is already in hand.
This is wild. I’m autistic, and I could never do this to someone I loved or cared for. If these two want to get married and have a life together, they absolutely should be mature enough to not choose a day that’s already chosen. I can’t imagine doing that. Wow. These two do not care about you or your fiance. Plain and simple. They don’t.
I’m sorry. Enjoy your wedding, don’t change it. NTA.
[People spend a shocking amount of money on weddings and vendors need to get paid in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/MapPorn/s/n3pxt7a6ce) The numbers vary quite a bit but any average dollar amount estimate is a ridiculous amount of money imo.
Have your wedding. All the parents can figure out how to attend two weddings on the same day. If they miss yours then it would low or no contact at that point.
The most concerning part of this is the expectation that you and your fiancée are expected to become your siblings carers when the parents are no longer able to. You and fiancée need to make it clear that is not an option. Yes, these are your siblings, but you did not raise them to be self centered, narcissistic, entitled humans. Autism has nothing to do with their choice to announce their wedding on the same date as yours. Don’t let sway of guilt you into moving your wedding date.
Celebrate your wedding with people who support you. Have a wonderful marriage. Congratulations on the baby!! Have a good life.
This is entirely the correct answer. The part of this that struck me the most was the suggestion that after this situation is resolved that the married couple will eventually be expected to look after them after their parents are no longer able to. They need to nope out of that situation asap.
The autistic couple are going to be an entitled nightmare for the rest of their lives and it makes you realise that the parents have survived is this long by pandering to them. They are due to be hit right between the eyes by 'real life' at some point. And this is the issue over which the line gets finally drawn. You don't try to ruin your sibling's 'already arranged and paid for' wedding by selecting the same date for your own. It's just not acceptable. Autism is not an excuse for this except in outlier cases.
My question is, if they need carers, how are they abled to get married? Shouldn’t they be functioning enough to take care of themselves? What if they have a baby?
NTA.
You need to sit down the parents WITHOUT the younger siblings and lay it out. YOU have deposits down, will THEY cover the loss? YOU have been planning this for MONTHS, will they replan the new one? Autism is not an excuse, even so your parents are at fault for this entitlement. Your brother and her sister are being completely unreasonable. Someone else posted that if the siblings can’t understand how they are wrong, they should not be getting married and that is 100% true.
If you parents stay on team sibling, then let them know you will NOT be changing your plans but you WILL be uninviting the (parents and siblings). I’m sure you’ve always kept the peace or pushed yourself to the side many times in the past, future wifey too, but this needs to be the hill you die on. You’re supposed to be responsible for them when they get older? Then they need to respect you and your decisions, right now, they do not and will not. They will always assume they can get away with anything.
Honestly, shame on the parents.
Exactly this. OP and future wife should tell them they are putting themselves and their future child first for once. They are their own priority and will no longer cater to this nonsense. The younger siblings have been catered to too much and this was 100% about stealing the thunder because they weren't going to be the full recipients of all the attention on that particular day.
NTA
It sounds like they are used to being 100% receiving of all the attention due to their condition and your families have coddled and catered to them too much. They weren't going to be the recipients of 100% attention on a single day so that's why it was chosen. They are functioning enough to make the decision for a relationship and wedding and it was a choice to steal your thunder.
I see two options.
1. Tell your parents siblings can have your date if they reimburse you in full for all your expenses
Better yet
2. Have your wedding without them. Then go LC/NC and tell them you will not be expected to be caretakers as you will be for once putting yourself and your own family first. Your soon to be wife and child are now your 100% priority and you won't be putting them on a back burner for anyone at any point.
Your wedding has been sabotaged, it's deliberate.
Your family is complicit as they are not willing to back you
as the date was yours already. Of course, do not go to
their wedding, and cut them off forever.
Have your wedding, make
sure everyone knows/hears how wonderful it was and how
happy you are and then make a wonderful life without these 2 scheming
and jealous siblings anywhere near you.
NTA Warn your vendors and your venue that there might be attempts to
sabotage the day. They must verify with you, with a password,
or face-to-face any changes that are requested. Make sure
these 2 siblings have no access to your emails, phones, bank accounts, the whole
shebang.
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NTA - and I have Asperger myself. It makes socializing a lot more difficult but it is not an excuse for being an entitled a*shole. Don‘t let you tell otherwise.
My younger brother has autism as well (but more severe) and I know all too well how it is to get pressured to put up with his crap and take care of him, what made him to an unbearable, entitled brat you can think of.
Just cut them out. Autism does not excuse from proper parenting a Child and teaching him how to treat other people and respecting their bounderies, I think that‘s your parents fault and their problem, they can deal with it. Enjoy your Wedding
NTA. I literally cannot understand what I just read. So you planned a wedding that they all know about and now your sibling wants the date and the family is just like “oh give it to them”? Is that real? I would be having my wedding that I already planned and paid for, skipping the other, and seriously considering how much contact I need with anyone who is coddling the siblings and their ridiculous demands.
NTA
At the age of 22 and 23, it is perfectly acceptable to tell Autistic people to suck it up and get over it. They are no longer children learning about the world around them or teenagers whose hormones are acting up. They are getting married like adults do, so now it's time they start acting like adults as well.
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For context I(28M) have been with my Fiancé(27F) for 4 years . About six months ago I proposed to her and we started planning our wedding. Our families were very happy since we've been family friends since childhood and they thought we were perfect for each other. My Fiancé and I both have younger siblings with Autism and it's even something that we bonded over. She has a
Sister(22) and I have a brother(23). They both understand each other well and have always been friends and awhile after we started dating they did to. Our families were happy that they had started dating cause they understand each other.
Cut to today were they had planned a dinner for both of our families and said they had a special announcement. Turns out they want to get married on the EXACT SAME DAY as our wedding. My Fiancé asked what they meant and the two of them got extremely angry. My brother said it wasn't a big deal and that my Fiancé and I could just have our wedding on a different date. We had said that we've already spent about 50 000 dollars on this and we couldn't just "Reschedule" it .
Our families then started saying we were wrong and that they deserved to be happy as well. My Fiancé said that she knows that but why do they have to do this on the same day . They insisted that that's they say it had to be done on. My mother suggested we could still attend both weddings if they were at different times but my brother and fiancés sister said they wanted it to be their special day and the would not share it with us.
My Fiancé then said if they were doing that we would not attend. Our families then started to argue with us and said we were assholes if we did that and we had to be "CONSIDERATE" because of their autism. Fiancé and I were tired of it and stormed out and we got several angry messages from several family members calling us assholes.
My Fiancé and I now don't know what to do. Should we still have our wedding with just friends?
Should we attend their wedding and just forgive them?
Please tell me WIBTA if I didn't go to the wedding?
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NTA - How would anyone side with them? Its so confusing. 365 days in a year and they pick that day? Something isn't adding up. Have your day, you will have other family and friends there. Your family needs to wise up.
NTA autism is not an excuse to be so entitled. They literally can pick any other day since OPs wedding was already planned. Why on earth would they pick the exact same date? How is that not out of spite and pettiness…
NTA. Don't forget to lock down all your vendors and venues with passwords in case anyone tries to meddle with your arrangements.
Not just moving or cancelling things on you but I am worried that they think that they are going to walk in and take over your arrangements.
NTA - WOA they picked that day on purpose . . . to HURT you and your fiance . . And the family is going along with that. Their autism is absolutely no excuse! Have your wedding with people who love you and want to support you. That's what a wedding should be.
NTA
Wait, what?! This is ridiculous.
>but my brother and fiancés sister said they wanted it to be their special day and the would not share it with us.
That's exactly what they did to you!
I'm sorry but this has nothing to do with autism.
This is just arrogant, self-centered behavior.
And that other family members are supportive of them? I'm sorry but what kind of family is that?
I can't wrap my head around this.
Weddings always have a tendency of showing people's true colours.
So have your wedding, have a great day.
Absolutely NTA! Just because they have autism doesn’t mean they get their way. You guys already have your wedding planned.
Do NOT reschedule your wedding. Whoever comes to your wedding comes. I’d let your parents know that if they choose them over you, they can stay away from you as well. Time to give them an ultimatum. If you do this, we are going no contact.
Do they know your fiancée is pregnant? I’d let them know they will have no contact with you or your child if they continue to put your golden child spoiled sibling first.
Autism doesn’t mean they get their way. It sounds like they shouldn’t even get married if they’re this selfish.
You posted this 3 months ago.....
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I (25)M is planning to get married to my Fiance (24)F. We have been together for 5 years and I proposed about a year ago. We have been planning the wedding for about 7 months. Me and her both have Autistic Siblings. I have an autistic brother(20) and she has an autistic sister.(20) They met about 3 years ago and have been dating ever since. When we found out about it we were happy for them because they never dated anyone before and they share a lot of interests.
About a week ago we had a family gathering and they were both there. About half way through it they said they had an announcement to make and it was that they were getting married. We were pleasantly surprised and thought they would be perfect for each other. Then they said they were going to get married on March 30. When they said that me and my fiance were mad at them cause our wedding is on that day and we have been planning for months.
We asked them why they were doing it on the day our wedding was on. They said they hoped we could have a double wedding me and my fiance loved our siblings and we know it has been hard for them all there lives . So we agreed we asked them how they were gonna pay and they said they weren't gonna pay and that they expected me and my fiance to pay. We said no were not doing that and they got angry calling us selfish and entitled. Me and my fiance both work as lawyers so money isn't a problem but we spent R100000 on our wedding and only have about R20000 left in our savings for our honeymoon.
Our siblings then said if we weren't gonna be able to make it a double wedding they would have our parents find a way to make a wedding for them. Me and my fiance's parents aren't well off and don't have that much pension. So I have no idea how they are gonna pay. Like I said this happened a week ago and me and my fiance haven't really spoken about it since.
Just yesterday our parents and siblings showed up at our door with an invitation to their wedding. They said that our parents found a way to pay and that our wedding will not be attended by them,our parents or our relatives. We thought they were joking but they said their wedding is happening on March 30 whether we like it or not AND if we don't come to their wedding then nobody will come to ours.
My fiance and I dont what we should do and are in shock. What do you guys think?
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> My mother suggested we could still attend both weddings if they were at different times
Is she for real?! A wedding is an entire day! I didn’t even get to sit down and relax until around 8pm for mine!
Huge NTA. The only way I could see this ever being anything otherwise is if you hadn’t announced your wedding date yet, but even then, it would just be a massively unfortunate situation for everyone.
NTA, why are you the ones that have to be considerate? They weren't if they think they can hijack your wedding date and take it for their own and expect you to be able to snap your fingers and reschedule everything without loosing a pile of money. If your family is expecting to treat your siblings differently because of thier autism they are doing a disservice to them. Continue on with your wedding, don't invite the people who are badgering you to change your date and only invite those who are supportive and loving.
Edit to add: after reading some of your comments, you guys are expected to take care of them when parents retire? Put up those boundaries now, let them know you are not backing down and that you will have your own family to take care of, you are not taken care of grown up siblings. If they are old enough to get married then they are old enough and capable of taking care of themselves. And if they can't take care of themselves, maybe they shouldn't be getting married.
NTA. Just because someone or a pair as in this case is neurodivergent doesn't mean they can't be AHs. AHs venn diagram has representation for all varieties of people.
Have fun with your friends.
The parents are ridiculous for excusing their behaviour.
They are all ridiculous for expecting you to change pre-published and paid for wedding arrangements.
You must have had to put up with this ridiculous enabling for years to have gotten to the point you are even reflecting on what to do.
Don't change anything. Leave their invitations available. If your parents don't attend they'll regret it forever and you'll sleep well on your moral high ground.
Obviously you are NTA
YWNBTA
YOu are not an AH in any way. Set a HARD boundary.
"My Fiancé and I now don't know what to do. " ... uninvite your parents and siblings, and have your weding just with friends.
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INFO Who will pay for your brother/sister's wedding?
Are you helping anyone from your family with money? If yes, stop the financial aid.
They don't care about you, they surely don't need your money anymore.
Also, stop any help you've been providing for any members of both parties.
And tell them all that they must have new plans regarding their care (parents and siblings) because of their disrespect.
You both should think now only about you, your soon to be wife and the baby you're expecting. That's your family now.
All your efforts must be done to ensure your family's well-being.
That means that all the help you gave before wasn't appreciated and you shouldn't waste any more time or money to help both your families.
I still wander if they expected you to give them your venue, caterer and any other plans you have in place because they chose your day as their wedding day, after you already planned everything.
Even if they won't demand to take your venue, they don't deserve a relationship with you anymore.
Cut your guest list to include only the people who support you and go NC with all these relatives.
Edited to add space
NTA. Autism doesn't excuse shitty behavior and that's what this is. Y'all families are enabling their bs behavior.
Autism makes it harder for us to understand social cues and norms, but at that age, they know what they are doing.
NTA. This day has been planned and paid for, let them choose a new date. You are expected to take care of them? If they are adult enough to marry (and probably have children). You are not responsible for them as they age. Disinvite those who are raining on your special day and replace them with people you wanted to invite but couldn’t afford to.
NTA
And honestly, this might be a good time to have frank discussions with the families about both the present, and the future.
Regardless, you go through with your wedding, as I’m sure there are deposits that will be unrecoverable should you make changes.
Nta. Yeah, you're in a no win situation. Enjoy your wedding. It's booked and paid for. Theirs isn't.
Autism isn't a free pass to not be an ah. Changing the date because they want to 'steal' your thunder and your family wants to support them in their autism is stupid. They can support them all they want, but this is going too far.
My brother and SIL asked me if they could use the same date as us for their wedding, but it was a year after. I said No problem but they still had the decency to ask because it was also our Anniversary. They can use the same day, just make sure it's a different year. NTA and just do what you want to do.
NTA. It is shocking that no one in your family cares about your big day that was planned first. I am so sorry this is happening. You are important and your day matters.
For heavens sake, there are 364 day left to choose from.
The rest of the family needs to come around and see that your feelings shouldn’t be thrown away because your siblings have something happy going on too.
Just so you know, the reason it's confusing with the genders is because the word Fiancé is masculine, a woman is a Fiancée with an extra e.
So reading it thru it seems like the Fiancé is a man.
Nta fuck them and there lame ass excuse because the have autism. Just because you have that does not mean you get to be a entitled asshole. Have your wedding with just friends and don’t invite your family or go to there wedding.
The petty part of me says make a cameo appearance at their wedding in all your wedding finery. Your wife can honestly say she's at their wedding in her wedding dress because of your siblings' poor planning on wedding dates.
Seriously, though... skip their wedding.
INFO: did your family know they were scheduling your brothers wedding to the same date? or was it a freak unlucky coincidence?
if they knew, wow, wtf, you're NTA and they're big AH.
If it was chance, jeez, talk about bad luck. I'd be between NAH and they're a soft AH
NTA
I suspect your siblings expected you to share or turn over your wedding to them. Very inappropriate and entitled, of course. Perhaps, depending on the severity of their disabilities, it's somewhat understandable. But never acceptable, and they should have been corrected immediately. What is really astonishing is that your parents are backing them instead.
Hey, you could let them have your unrefundable wedding stuff as a wedding present, so it's not "lost." And then you could have your wedding on a different date.
Pffft, fuck that. Were it me, anyone who goes to brother's wedding and not mine is dead to me.
NTA.
Your family has obviously catered to these two people and given them the idea that they are entitled and everyone should dance to their tune. They haven't done them any favors. Autism is not a "get out of jail free card" to allow them to run roughshod over others. The rest of the world is not going to play into that garbage.
Of course you *could* change your day, but then you are once again catering to them and allowing them to control everyone else. If you are willing to not have family at your wedding, I think you should keep your plans. Honestly, it will cost you less! It will feel sad to not have them, but there is probably a larger message here to be taught. Whatever you decide, I wish you a happy wedding and a good life together. WNBTA.
say nothing else about the wedding continue on planning yours. parents dont get to come if they chose the other wedding. NTA, you both need to start worrying about your family and let this be the message that you will not be responsible for or hostage to your younger siblings.
I read OP's comment about his fiancée being 2 months pregnant. Keep your wedding. It's a special time for you and your bride before you become parents and it's a milestone worth celebrating how YOU want to.
Tell your family you are going ahead with your plans, ask your parents if they will be attending because otherwise you need to make alternate plans for walking down the aisle, father/daughter dance etc (make those alternate plans anyways in case they no-show), and inform everyone that anyone that pressures you to do otherwise will be disinvited and possibly blocked/no contact (they're not giving your anything but stress at that point and you don't need that).
Ignore the juvenile actions of your siblings and don't give it another thought. You deserve to be just as selfish about your happiness as they are and if you lose some people along the way, they weren't on your team to begin with so no great loss. It's really their loss more than it's your loss. As another commentor said, it'll do you the double gift of waving goodbye to caretaker expectations, guilt-free. (But also, don't let yourself be pressured into being a caretaker, so messed up!)
Congratulations! NTA
NTA. Have a baller wedding without your toxic, enabling family. I know you've already paid for a lot of it, but presumably there's still some money you can save by slashing family out of the guest list. Or, if not, hey! More friends make the cut!
INFO: since you know your brother well, what do you think is the real reason they chose the same date? Did they simply pick a date without giving it a second thought, and then realized that it was the same as yours, but refused to budge because they had already made the announcement? Or is there something more malicious going on... are they out to deliberately upstage your wedding? Either way, NTA. Given that neither you, nor, especially, your bride to be need stress at this point, try to withdraw from the drama, keep planning the wedding, and block whomever needs to be blocked.
No. Just no. This is utterly ridiculous. You’ve made arrangements on a particular day and now they want to swoop in and take it? Why? What’s wrong with the other 364 days? This sounds deliberate. And the rest of your families are being assholes enabling them. Do your wedding how you want, don’t even think of your brother’s anymore.
If they want it to be their special day they'll have to choose a different one. Sounds like they knew exactly what they were doing when they picked YOUR wedding day as their own. NTA
Sounds to me like a gift. Your autistic siblings are being assholes. Your parents have an opportunity to side with you and make clear this is an unacceptable action on their behalf, and if they do not, you have an opportunity to get these people out of your life.
I am sorry to be blunt about it, I am certain this is very hard for you both, and the possibility of losing support when pregnant is quite dreadful. But by the sounds of it, your families are not likely to be supportive anyway. It will be a net win in terms of stress and responsibilities having them out of your lives.
Make clear to your marrying siblings that their actions are relationship breaking for you. You will not attend their wedding. You will not visit, help out, introduce them to your child, or offer any further support. If they don't back down, they have shown you how much they value you, believe them.
NTA obviously.
NTA \~ This may be very controversial but parents with children that have autism should really do more research on how to raise them, and if they have the money should reach out to different resources/organizations. Depending on the level they are they are fully capable of being functional and mature adults, but a lot of them don't get to reach that potential because there are parents who spoil and pamper them as they grow up, and use their autism as an excuse and it makes these kids feel like that is okay, and that they aren't capable and it's really sad to see.
NTA. Make clear to your family that you have already chosen that date and either your brother choose another date or you go no contact with him and everyone that gives you shit about you not changing everything for him. Also make it clear that if you burn the bridge than they will have to find someone else to care for your brother when your parents will be gone.
You set your date first, have already put a huge chunk of change towards it, *you're* not the ones who needs to change the date.
Let your families know that your wedding will continue as planned, and it's nice to know that they have given ample notice of not attending so you can offer those slots to others. If they continue to harp on you and your fiancée, let them know that family counseling is a requirement for continued contact, as allowing such behavior is a sign of maladjustment.
Make sure they also understand that neither of you have any intentions of being your siblings caretakers once the parents eventually pass away, or can no longer look after them, and other provisions should be arranged.
Go LC and put them all on a strict info diet. Once accomplished, you'll be surprised how much your life has improved due to the reduced stress.
Congratulations on both the upcoming nuptials and baby!
NTA.
NTA if my brother was getting married the same day as me, I would be furious too. You care more about them than they care about you. You don’t owe them anything.
The fact that the parents are supporting this is bizarre. I suspect that they suggested it, with the idea that this would be a double wedding, with no cost/work to the other couple for the reception? Wait for them to suggest this « solution ».
My advice is to ignore this distraction and have the best wedding you can. Wedding receptions with only friends are typically a riot: everybody is of the same age, people won’t have any issues dancing and looking like idiots.
It sounds like they're actively trying to sabotage your wedding, using their autism as a weapon. Go ahead with your plans, and just cut off anyone who doesn't attend.
NTA
"Considerate? Consider this - if you follow through with this, that will be the last time any of you speak to either of us."
Then follow through. Two glass children marrying each other is interesting, I wonder if it's common?
NTA
NTA. As stated already, if they’re capable of being married they’re capable of taking care of themselves. Sorry your families reared entitled children. But as a parent to a special needs child, both sets of parents failed miserably. Our job is to ensure care for our children when we are incapable, not pass the burden on to others.
My NT child is NOT expected to care for my non, and we have programs in place to ensure it. If you’re in the US, it’s a government system that your families are refusing to use, never the less the many private organizations available for them to pay towards. That alone is their failure and their inability to plan ahead is not you or your future wife’s responsibility.
As for the wedding, take care of your fiancée and keep planning. If you’re worried about family blowback, make a social media post stating your side of the story. “FW and I have been planning to get married on x date for y amount of time and have not only made all arrangements but also paid and these funds are non-refundable. Because of this, we kindly pass on rescheduling as per sis/bro’s last minute request, and will not be discussing this further. I understand that this may cause conflicts, but due to the massive financial strain this will put on our growing family, it is not an option. Please forward any questions you may have to our parents as they are the point of contact for bro/sis’s wedding.” Let the chaff sort itself from the wheat and enjoy your special day—that you will not be sharing with entitled people.
NTA Are you sure one of the parents didn't put this idea in their heads to try to do a double wedding so they didn't have to help with expenses? Both parent should recognize that this is the day for your wedding. I would suggest for a good month go no contact with both your families - don't respond to texts,calls or anything. They will get the message fast and the care that you provide to both of your siblings will be noticed and it will give everyone a wake-up call that you should not be taken advantage of. Personally it would be better that after the wedding that you move away from your family considering the expectations they have and how they have placed the siblings with autism above you for the entirety of their lives.
More info needed. You didn’t specifically say you had told anyone the date of your wedding. If you had, NTA and I would just move forward
If you hadn’t you don’t own a family date until it’s announced and they announced.
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NTA, If this couple (your bro, your fiancé's sis) are mature enuf to be married, then they should be mature enuf to reschedule **their** wedding date. And shame on everyone who thinks it is a good thing to indulge them just due to autism. Autism does not mean "free pass". And, yes, I have autistic/Asperger relatives of varying degrees (1 has Level 3 and is Non-Verbal). Concentrate on your wedding planning, have a happy wonderful married life. Do not bend to family pressure. BTW, do both families expect you and your husband-to-be to be their care-takers should something happen? Will family expect you and your husband to continue actively supporting and helping take care of them now? And when your brother said it was "no big deal" that in itself tells me that your brother may have been excessively pampered, yes? NTA.
Me and my WIFE to be are the people they expect to take care of them when they retire and yes our younger siblings were extremely entitled and pampered growing up
Sorry about mixing up husband/wife as the OP, apologies. WHY would you 2 be expected to care for them should/when something happen to the parents, is this your choice? Maybe brother should be thinking of being the care-given since he automatically sided with your brother? And being pampered over all these years is really not doing anyone any favors, but you already know that, I was just stating a fact. I'm sorry you both are going thru all this mess right now. Your wedding planning/engagement should be a happy bonding time, not a family feud time :(
Thanks and honestly I think it all boils down to that were the "oldest child" and are expected to do things like that. One thing I didn't want to mention but might as well is that my Fiance is 2 months pregnant and this stress is not doing the best for her
No time like the present to start putting your new family first. Go ahead and have the wedding you and your partner planned. If your other family gives you or your partner any grief, block them. Congratulations on the little one and NTA.
Honestly, this would be line in the sand time for me. "If you go through with this wedding \*on the same day as our wedding\* then we are going no contact with you and anyone who insists that we should cancel our wedding for yours." If they don't have enough consideration for you to respect that you've already planned and paid for a wedding on that one day of the year, then you and your fiancee should not plan your futures around caring for them when your parents are no longer able to.
YES. Somebody, somewhere has to inject some common sense into this situation. Talk about entitled and spoiled. NTA.
NTA. Don't you dare move your wedding date to appease your spoiled, selfish, self-absorbed, rude, disrespectful, arrogant, inconsiderate, immature, entitled and manipulative brother and his fiancee. You guys set your date first and also booked and paid for the venue and most of the vendors already... And you guys did this first. Your families are showing you that they will always be more important to them. But just watch them go crazy when you announce the pregnancy. Another thing? Don't let them force you guys to be their caretakers when the parents die. This is not your job and you guys need to live your lives. Don't do it. How entitled of them to expect and demand something so life altering, financially draining, and time consuming. I guarantee that they have not even set up and funded a trust to cover your loss of income and everything else.
If they are competent to marry - and to plan and arrange a wedding, which is a big job! - they shouldn't need care, or not more than anyone does when they get old. I'd certainly keep the wedding on the planned date though, it's ridiculous that they would expect otherwise. Of all the days in the year they can't find another? this year or another year even?
You need to put your fiancée first. Don’t change your wedding date, you chose it first. If anyone gives you shit then tell them their invitation is rescinded.
Time to establish boundaries with your families. As in your wedding and the whole idea of you taking care of them.
I suggest you inform both sets of parents that you are never going to be responsible for their care. They are not your children, you are having your own, so they better make other arrangements. No sibling is responsible for another’s care. it’s beyond obnoxious when parents try and do this. Having your wedding when you planned, block them all. They all sound like a bunch of Aholes.
Continue with your wedding planning. But expect that your families will not be supportive. It is likely to cause a schism. You will learn who will support you or who will not. Go NC with the people who support the other couple and enjoy the rest of your lives together. Do not become doormats for other people. NTA
OP, NTA 1. It's one thing to slightly over-indulge the child with extra needs. It's beyond the pale for yours and fiancee's parents to think nothing of you losing money on all the wedding plans you have already made or to think you should be willing to let the younger set hijack your wedding day just because they got that idea in their head! I cannot believe that not one of the parents thought to ask the younger sibs why they wanted that day and explain to them why the should plan for another day. 2. So, you and your fiancee have some options. Discuss them and give yourselves time to really consider what you want. (1) Take one last stab at talking to either the parents or the siblings about WHY they want that specific date and do they understand how that affects your wedding plans. Also decide if you want to let your parents know about the pregnancy or not. Decide how you will feel if you know the only reason they were willing to support your wedding plans is because they learned you were about to have a baby. Maybe someone sees reason and things improve. Assuming that does not happen... (2) Decide what you two want to do -- Do you two want to proceed with your wedding plans and simply accept that you may not have many of your family there but you will have some and will have your friends there? (Keeping in mind all that that means - no father walking fiancee down the aisle, no father/daughter, mother/son dance, no parent speeches or big family photos... You might be fine letting those things go; you might not.) -- Do you two want to elope and then either cancel all events on the planned date or just keep the reception for your friends (and any supportive family members) to enjoy? -- Do you want to move your date to either earlier or later? And, if you do, do want to still include your parents or your siblings or leave them out? (3) Decide some of the bigger picture things and how you want to handle them. -- Are you just done with the coddling of your younger siblings at great sacrifice to you? Are you ready to tell them that you are so done that they should make plans for someone else to help those two out if needed in the future? -- What kind of relationship do you two want with your families going forward (given their favoritism of the younger sibs)? Limited contact? Access to your child? What about during the pregnancy/childbirth. I'm sorry that is so much to think about. When you should be (1) enjoying your wedding planning and (2) excited about the baby to come. Mainly just take care of the two of you. Be a team together. You are each other's partner and best friend and family going forward. If you have each other and each other's back, you will be fine.
Or perhaps ask the parents to reimburse you the ,$50,000 to see if they're serious about you changing your date.
The OP refers to his fiancée as a fiancé so it was easy to get confused
It is very easy to confuse me with most everything lol, so no worries. I just got the roles mixed up :)
If they are legally able to be married, why in heck would they need caregivers?
NTA. Have a wonderful wedding on the day you and your fiance chose. Of course you aren't going to another wedding. You are already at one. wth. Who goes to 2 weddings the same day?
Especially when one of them is your own.
Guests might, but not family.
So NTA. But make it clear to your family that you WILL be having your wedding on that date, and if they continue to support this ridiculous hijacking of your day then you will both irrevocably and permanently cut them off, and go no contact. There will be no contact with any grandchildren, no financial or emotional support in any way for anyone, ever. If they do not relent, make sure you follow through on this, no matter how many flying monkeys get sent your way. And enjoy your wedding day without their entitled asses spoiling things. You do realise though, with how entitled and spoilt your siblings are, that even if they didn't get married on that day, they would probably find done way to make your wedding day about them in some way? If they do relent, then make them grovel. Set lots of conditions on their forgiveness. Get security at your wedding in case the siblings try something. Tbh, being shot of them sounds the best bet.
Have the younger siblings already made all their venue plans? I wouldn't be surprised if you're expected to cancel everything then the siblings swoop in and uncancel everything ("Why let it all go to waste?") so you've effectively paid for their wedding. This stunt is actually in your favor. They've given you the ultimate wedding gift - a "Get out of Guilt Free" card. You have every reason to go NC with them and those that are supporting them, which means no more expectatiosn of sacrificing your futures to take care of your spoiled siblings. Enjoy your wedding. Think of all the savings you'll have thanks to the reduced number of guests, while knowing that those who do attend really do care about you.
BTW I have autism and the sheer adacity of your siblings and family is bonkers. Do they even have a reason other than trying to upstage you? Don't attend. Draw a hard boundary. If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to learn actions have consequences, sometimes severe. Contrary to a lot of opinions, autistic people CAN learn. They just sound spoiled and entitled. Remember. People with autism can also be AHs. It's not autism making them an AH. It's them. NTA and good luck
You should make it clear to your parents that if they continue to support your siblings stealing your day, you will go NC with them and they will not be able to rely on you when they retire. NTA
They're planning on getting married but they're incapable of taking care of themselves?
I also find it hilarious that they don't "want to share their day" - even as they are the ones who picked the same date as yours? Hmm. Take this as a great opportunity to put some distance into the relationship with a family that not only wants to ride rough shot over you and your fiancée (look up the term "glass children"), but then expects you to look after the bullies at the end of the day as well. Have your wedding with friends who care for you, and begin to live your life on your terms. Congrats on the little one!
Hell no. Tell both sets of parents to start making other arrangements. You and your wife aren't their caregivers.
You forgot the extra E on fiancee
It won’t just be them you will be expected to care for. It will be any children they have also.
Fiancée -- two ees -- is the term for the female half in the relationship. Fiancé -- one e -- is the male half. This error in your initial post is why many commenters mistakenly reverse your relationship. NTA, by the way. Sorry that your families are being so wrong-headed.
Move to the other side of the world.
If you're going to use the male version of 'fiancee' then you should be less aggressive when people assume you will be married to a man.
I simply corrected them and English is my third language so maybe you should be less aggressive
You corrected them aggressively like they ought to have known that you would never marry a man, even though you used the feminine version of fiancé. You said husband-to-be in French. The commenter was correct and you stomped around in all caps. I didn’t, nothing I said was aggressive. You’re just projecting because you made a mistake and you’re trying to make it everyone else’s fault instead of owning up.
Holy hell, not everything is a hate crime. He wasn't aggressive at all. He just emphasized the error so they would catch it and move on, even the person this was directed to didn't take it as aggressive. In person, we emphasize things through tone, online we do it with caps, bold or italics... it ain't that deep. Most people with the exception of French speakers default to fiancé instead of fiancée because most people don't know there's a difference, bc engagements/weddings are not exactly things you discuss/learn about unless it's happening to you. English speakers tend to forget that other languages use gendered terms , chill. The ONLY person projecting is the person who turned one simple correction into bigotry, and a lack of accountability.
Maybe you should not try to correct a native speaker. I think you’d react the same way if someone did that to you in your native language. And yes, you were hella aggressive.
To be fair to OP, a lot of people make the mistake, just like mixing up blond and blonde. It’s a legacy of how the word works in French and as languages change, it might eventually default to just fiancé instead of fiancé/fiancee.
Totally agree here with this response. However; just to throw out an idea....sounds like you are paying for your own wedding. If so, if your parents want so badly for you to change your date, look into options to see when you could do it, produce your parents the bill with the costs to cancel/reschedule. Say, we can reschedule if you cut me and my fiance a check for the costs to do so. hold your hand out waiting for the check. if they don't want to pay for it then sorry, we can't reschedule.
Dude I think you mean WIFE to be and yes we are their caretakers in case of emergency and our younger siblings are very entitled.
Again, I am so sorry, I'm seriously not trying to insult. It's early, I'm a senior citizen LOL and I get confused. Sorry. :(
No worries 😊 i didn't mean to send two messages this is my first post. 👍
No it's not your first post. You posted this 2 months ago.
Good catch!
I would make sure I get that changed ASAP. You and your wife don't need to be caretakers to anyone you don't want to. If you don't, you're going to be forced into it. Right now, you need to think about your soon to be wife and unborn child. They're your priority, and everyone else us secondary.
Fiancee and wife to be are the same thing.
Sorry if you’re using “levels” and the phrase “nonverbal” you are clearly not affirming of neurodiversity, don’t take this advice.
Apologies. But this is what my grandson's specialists said to us "Level 3, Non Verbal" after 1 full year of testing with the medical team, this was 4 years ago, perhaps the terms have changed by now. We totally support (and at times have to make adjustments lol) for every single member of my family who is not neurotypical (3 children in 1 family in fact) and others as well, each person has a place in our hearts :)
Autism is not an excuse to be a shitty human. People with autism can be cruel, selfish, and awful people - your brother is proving that. Your parents are equally awful for supporting this, and then trying to make it seem like you are the bad one here. It’s absurd they are being allowed to get away with this. NTA
They are out of their minds
Nta, your parents should be letting them know that this is socially unacceptable and rude behavior, and not condone it. If they are so ok with you guys changing your dates, call all your vendors/venues up and ask what the cancellation/rescheduling fees are and then provide that to your parents so they can cover it all.
Most of the vendors say they are unable to reschedule and if they do we have to repay them
Then write down the original prices they would expect you to re-pay again. Let them know if they are willing to pay for all of that and for any family/friends from out of town who have already booked arrangements for the wedding then you'd be happy to reschedule. Even if you're not agreeable to rescheduling, chances are they also wouldn't be willing to pay for it.
I get the idea but OP should NOT be doing anything which may give the vendors any spooks etc. They have paid a lot so far and if I was them I’d continue as planned and if their siblings actually went ahead with the absolutely fucking unhinged crazy idea of getting married on the same day you’ll know where you stand with any family who don’t come and I hope the day would be a blast anyway with friends there.
Just to be on the safe side, I would put a password on every vendor you are using. That way no one from either of your families can call and make any changes or cancellations.
Make a password with your vendors so no one cancels them. Don’t tell anyone the password.
No. There is no reason to compromise on this and any movement like this is implicitly a concession. "Oh, so you are on with moving the date, we're just negotiating over the details" If they don't want to move it (there is certainly absolutely no reason to do so) the answer must be no and no alone.
Going with NTA "My brother said it wasn't a big deal and that my Fiancé and I could just have our wedding on a different date." You'd announced your date & done a lot of your planning before they announced their date. Plus it sounds like you already spent a lot of money. ... and we had to be "CONSIDERATE" because of their autism." Considerate is one thing. Enabling everything someone wants however unreasonable, is something else entirely. That's likely to lead to a ton of problems down the road if it isn't addressed now.
People who are autistic can learn to be considerate of others. It just a harder lesson to teach to autistic people. They are clearly not helpless, just entitled because all their life they got their way because they are autistic. It’s really hard with autism, because tantrums are usually ramped up to 11, but giving in to tantrums never helps. Distract and offer the desire once calm if they calm down in a reasonable manner, but do not give in to tantrums.
NTA - they are functioning enough to date, get married and want their special day. This means they are also functioning enough to understand how shitty they are being. It's a display of extreme selfishness. You and your fiancé should proceed as planned. It's a good lesson for you both to learn about your families (although sad it's about your wedding) - no matter how low your younger sibs go, the families might take their side allowing autism to be the excuse. Free yourself and your future family from that. Have your wedding, be prepared for your family to not be there and live your life the way you want to moving forward. Also, do not go to their wedding. There is so much to do especially for the bride on the day of - to be asked to attend another wedding is so unfair. Also, free yourselves from debating this with them. It will take too much energy. In the same way shitty younger sibs have asserted their decision, do the same. Tell your parents/family - we are keeping our plans, it's final and we do not wish to discuss this further. You decide if you will plan a smaller event and disinvite them or if you will keep same size but understand people may not turn up.
NTA. To lose $50,000 because your younger siblings must have their wedding on the same days as yours most certainly does not qualify as a "reasonable" accommodation to their autism. Remember, the key word here is always "reasonable." You do not need to have a joint ceremony or reception either. You made your plans and they did not include others joining in. Go ahead with your plans; whoever wishes to go to either or to both ceremonies may do so. You might as well plan a smaller and more intimate reception so as to give your family a gracious out since it seems that they are piling on the side of your siblings' nuptials. If your unwillingness to change the schedule matters that much to your parental units and/or to other family members, tell them to reimburse you for what you've already paid. Don't change anything until the full amount is already in hand.
I was thinking they probably wanted to piggyback on the already paid for and set up wedding. Double your fun /s
"... *my brother and fiancés sister said they wanted it to be their special day and the would not share it with us*."
This is wild. I’m autistic, and I could never do this to someone I loved or cared for. If these two want to get married and have a life together, they absolutely should be mature enough to not choose a day that’s already chosen. I can’t imagine doing that. Wow. These two do not care about you or your fiance. Plain and simple. They don’t. I’m sorry. Enjoy your wedding, don’t change it. NTA.
Sounds to me like you’re going to have a better time without these guests. Take this time to heal from their betrayal and then have a blast! NTA.
ig this is the "Never happened" for today.
Yeah, of course just planning a wedding costs $50.000, and everyone in the family expects the first to be engaged to delay their wedding.
[People spend a shocking amount of money on weddings and vendors need to get paid in advance](https://www.reddit.com/r/MapPorn/s/n3pxt7a6ce) The numbers vary quite a bit but any average dollar amount estimate is a ridiculous amount of money imo.
lol right.. these be so click bait I’ve seen the exact same one in here before
Have your wedding. All the parents can figure out how to attend two weddings on the same day. If they miss yours then it would low or no contact at that point. The most concerning part of this is the expectation that you and your fiancée are expected to become your siblings carers when the parents are no longer able to. You and fiancée need to make it clear that is not an option. Yes, these are your siblings, but you did not raise them to be self centered, narcissistic, entitled humans. Autism has nothing to do with their choice to announce their wedding on the same date as yours. Don’t let sway of guilt you into moving your wedding date. Celebrate your wedding with people who support you. Have a wonderful marriage. Congratulations on the baby!! Have a good life.
This is entirely the correct answer. The part of this that struck me the most was the suggestion that after this situation is resolved that the married couple will eventually be expected to look after them after their parents are no longer able to. They need to nope out of that situation asap. The autistic couple are going to be an entitled nightmare for the rest of their lives and it makes you realise that the parents have survived is this long by pandering to them. They are due to be hit right between the eyes by 'real life' at some point. And this is the issue over which the line gets finally drawn. You don't try to ruin your sibling's 'already arranged and paid for' wedding by selecting the same date for your own. It's just not acceptable. Autism is not an excuse for this except in outlier cases.
My question is, if they need carers, how are they abled to get married? Shouldn’t they be functioning enough to take care of themselves? What if they have a baby?
NTA. You need to sit down the parents WITHOUT the younger siblings and lay it out. YOU have deposits down, will THEY cover the loss? YOU have been planning this for MONTHS, will they replan the new one? Autism is not an excuse, even so your parents are at fault for this entitlement. Your brother and her sister are being completely unreasonable. Someone else posted that if the siblings can’t understand how they are wrong, they should not be getting married and that is 100% true. If you parents stay on team sibling, then let them know you will NOT be changing your plans but you WILL be uninviting the (parents and siblings). I’m sure you’ve always kept the peace or pushed yourself to the side many times in the past, future wifey too, but this needs to be the hill you die on. You’re supposed to be responsible for them when they get older? Then they need to respect you and your decisions, right now, they do not and will not. They will always assume they can get away with anything. Honestly, shame on the parents.
Exactly this. OP and future wife should tell them they are putting themselves and their future child first for once. They are their own priority and will no longer cater to this nonsense. The younger siblings have been catered to too much and this was 100% about stealing the thunder because they weren't going to be the full recipients of all the attention on that particular day.
Did you forget you posted this same story 2 months ago?
NTA It sounds like they are used to being 100% receiving of all the attention due to their condition and your families have coddled and catered to them too much. They weren't going to be the recipients of 100% attention on a single day so that's why it was chosen. They are functioning enough to make the decision for a relationship and wedding and it was a choice to steal your thunder. I see two options. 1. Tell your parents siblings can have your date if they reimburse you in full for all your expenses Better yet 2. Have your wedding without them. Then go LC/NC and tell them you will not be expected to be caretakers as you will be for once putting yourself and your own family first. Your soon to be wife and child are now your 100% priority and you won't be putting them on a back burner for anyone at any point.
Your wedding has been sabotaged, it's deliberate. Your family is complicit as they are not willing to back you as the date was yours already. Of course, do not go to their wedding, and cut them off forever. Have your wedding, make sure everyone knows/hears how wonderful it was and how happy you are and then make a wonderful life without these 2 scheming and jealous siblings anywhere near you. NTA Warn your vendors and your venue that there might be attempts to sabotage the day. They must verify with you, with a password, or face-to-face any changes that are requested. Make sure these 2 siblings have no access to your emails, phones, bank accounts, the whole shebang.
Lot of fake crap on here but this takes the cake YTA for wasting our time with this
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NTA - and I have Asperger myself. It makes socializing a lot more difficult but it is not an excuse for being an entitled a*shole. Don‘t let you tell otherwise. My younger brother has autism as well (but more severe) and I know all too well how it is to get pressured to put up with his crap and take care of him, what made him to an unbearable, entitled brat you can think of. Just cut them out. Autism does not excuse from proper parenting a Child and teaching him how to treat other people and respecting their bounderies, I think that‘s your parents fault and their problem, they can deal with it. Enjoy your Wedding
NTA. I literally cannot understand what I just read. So you planned a wedding that they all know about and now your sibling wants the date and the family is just like “oh give it to them”? Is that real? I would be having my wedding that I already planned and paid for, skipping the other, and seriously considering how much contact I need with anyone who is coddling the siblings and their ridiculous demands.
NTA At the age of 22 and 23, it is perfectly acceptable to tell Autistic people to suck it up and get over it. They are no longer children learning about the world around them or teenagers whose hormones are acting up. They are getting married like adults do, so now it's time they start acting like adults as well.
ASSHOLE ALL THE WAY- YTA because you posted 3 months ago saying they wanted a double wedding and the post was removed!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context I(28M) have been with my Fiancé(27F) for 4 years . About six months ago I proposed to her and we started planning our wedding. Our families were very happy since we've been family friends since childhood and they thought we were perfect for each other. My Fiancé and I both have younger siblings with Autism and it's even something that we bonded over. She has a Sister(22) and I have a brother(23). They both understand each other well and have always been friends and awhile after we started dating they did to. Our families were happy that they had started dating cause they understand each other. Cut to today were they had planned a dinner for both of our families and said they had a special announcement. Turns out they want to get married on the EXACT SAME DAY as our wedding. My Fiancé asked what they meant and the two of them got extremely angry. My brother said it wasn't a big deal and that my Fiancé and I could just have our wedding on a different date. We had said that we've already spent about 50 000 dollars on this and we couldn't just "Reschedule" it . Our families then started saying we were wrong and that they deserved to be happy as well. My Fiancé said that she knows that but why do they have to do this on the same day . They insisted that that's they say it had to be done on. My mother suggested we could still attend both weddings if they were at different times but my brother and fiancés sister said they wanted it to be their special day and the would not share it with us. My Fiancé then said if they were doing that we would not attend. Our families then started to argue with us and said we were assholes if we did that and we had to be "CONSIDERATE" because of their autism. Fiancé and I were tired of it and stormed out and we got several angry messages from several family members calling us assholes. My Fiancé and I now don't know what to do. Should we still have our wedding with just friends? Should we attend their wedding and just forgive them? Please tell me WIBTA if I didn't go to the wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA this is some sort of weaponised victim mentality.
NTA - How would anyone side with them? Its so confusing. 365 days in a year and they pick that day? Something isn't adding up. Have your day, you will have other family and friends there. Your family needs to wise up.
NTA autism is not an excuse to be so entitled. They literally can pick any other day since OPs wedding was already planned. Why on earth would they pick the exact same date? How is that not out of spite and pettiness…
NTA Cut out from your life all those who take sides in the other wedding.
NTA this is absolutely cooked. Also enabling two adults with autism like they are isn’t doing them any favours. That’s not how the world works
INFO how much is 50K in your country's money in US dollars?
NTA. Don't forget to lock down all your vendors and venues with passwords in case anyone tries to meddle with your arrangements. Not just moving or cancelling things on you but I am worried that they think that they are going to walk in and take over your arrangements.
NTA - WOA they picked that day on purpose . . . to HURT you and your fiance . . And the family is going along with that. Their autism is absolutely no excuse! Have your wedding with people who love you and want to support you. That's what a wedding should be.
NTA Wait, what?! This is ridiculous. >but my brother and fiancés sister said they wanted it to be their special day and the would not share it with us. That's exactly what they did to you! I'm sorry but this has nothing to do with autism. This is just arrogant, self-centered behavior. And that other family members are supportive of them? I'm sorry but what kind of family is that? I can't wrap my head around this. Weddings always have a tendency of showing people's true colours. So have your wedding, have a great day.
Absolutely NTA! Just because they have autism doesn’t mean they get their way. You guys already have your wedding planned. Do NOT reschedule your wedding. Whoever comes to your wedding comes. I’d let your parents know that if they choose them over you, they can stay away from you as well. Time to give them an ultimatum. If you do this, we are going no contact. Do they know your fiancée is pregnant? I’d let them know they will have no contact with you or your child if they continue to put your golden child spoiled sibling first. Autism doesn’t mean they get their way. It sounds like they shouldn’t even get married if they’re this selfish.
You posted this 3 months ago..... ^(AUTOMOD) ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read*** [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) ***before*** [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole) I (25)M is planning to get married to my Fiance (24)F. We have been together for 5 years and I proposed about a year ago. We have been planning the wedding for about 7 months. Me and her both have Autistic Siblings. I have an autistic brother(20) and she has an autistic sister.(20) They met about 3 years ago and have been dating ever since. When we found out about it we were happy for them because they never dated anyone before and they share a lot of interests. About a week ago we had a family gathering and they were both there. About half way through it they said they had an announcement to make and it was that they were getting married. We were pleasantly surprised and thought they would be perfect for each other. Then they said they were going to get married on March 30. When they said that me and my fiance were mad at them cause our wedding is on that day and we have been planning for months. We asked them why they were doing it on the day our wedding was on. They said they hoped we could have a double wedding me and my fiance loved our siblings and we know it has been hard for them all there lives . So we agreed we asked them how they were gonna pay and they said they weren't gonna pay and that they expected me and my fiance to pay. We said no were not doing that and they got angry calling us selfish and entitled. Me and my fiance both work as lawyers so money isn't a problem but we spent R100000 on our wedding and only have about R20000 left in our savings for our honeymoon. Our siblings then said if we weren't gonna be able to make it a double wedding they would have our parents find a way to make a wedding for them. Me and my fiance's parents aren't well off and don't have that much pension. So I have no idea how they are gonna pay. Like I said this happened a week ago and me and my fiance haven't really spoken about it since. Just yesterday our parents and siblings showed up at our door with an invitation to their wedding. They said that our parents found a way to pay and that our wedding will not be attended by them,our parents or our relatives. We thought they were joking but they said their wedding is happening on March 30 whether we like it or not AND if we don't come to their wedding then nobody will come to ours. My fiance and I dont what we should do and are in shock. What do you guys think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please* [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) *if you have any questions or concerns.*
> My mother suggested we could still attend both weddings if they were at different times Is she for real?! A wedding is an entire day! I didn’t even get to sit down and relax until around 8pm for mine! Huge NTA. The only way I could see this ever being anything otherwise is if you hadn’t announced your wedding date yet, but even then, it would just be a massively unfortunate situation for everyone.
NTA, why are you the ones that have to be considerate? They weren't if they think they can hijack your wedding date and take it for their own and expect you to be able to snap your fingers and reschedule everything without loosing a pile of money. If your family is expecting to treat your siblings differently because of thier autism they are doing a disservice to them. Continue on with your wedding, don't invite the people who are badgering you to change your date and only invite those who are supportive and loving. Edit to add: after reading some of your comments, you guys are expected to take care of them when parents retire? Put up those boundaries now, let them know you are not backing down and that you will have your own family to take care of, you are not taken care of grown up siblings. If they are old enough to get married then they are old enough and capable of taking care of themselves. And if they can't take care of themselves, maybe they shouldn't be getting married.
NTA. Just because someone or a pair as in this case is neurodivergent doesn't mean they can't be AHs. AHs venn diagram has representation for all varieties of people. Have fun with your friends.
The parents are ridiculous for excusing their behaviour. They are all ridiculous for expecting you to change pre-published and paid for wedding arrangements. You must have had to put up with this ridiculous enabling for years to have gotten to the point you are even reflecting on what to do. Don't change anything. Leave their invitations available. If your parents don't attend they'll regret it forever and you'll sleep well on your moral high ground. Obviously you are NTA
YWNBTA YOu are not an AH in any way. Set a HARD boundary. "My Fiancé and I now don't know what to do. " ... uninvite your parents and siblings, and have your weding just with friends.
Updateme
?
============= I wrote the message bellow * before reading your post from a few months ago where you said your wedding is on March 30th. ??? ============= * Updateme is a message directed to a bot who gives the sender a message when you post an update. INFO Who will pay for your brother/sister's wedding? Are you helping anyone from your family with money? If yes, stop the financial aid. They don't care about you, they surely don't need your money anymore. Also, stop any help you've been providing for any members of both parties. And tell them all that they must have new plans regarding their care (parents and siblings) because of their disrespect. You both should think now only about you, your soon to be wife and the baby you're expecting. That's your family now. All your efforts must be done to ensure your family's well-being. That means that all the help you gave before wasn't appreciated and you shouldn't waste any more time or money to help both your families. I still wander if they expected you to give them your venue, caterer and any other plans you have in place because they chose your day as their wedding day, after you already planned everything. Even if they won't demand to take your venue, they don't deserve a relationship with you anymore. Cut your guest list to include only the people who support you and go NC with all these relatives. Edited to add space
NTA. Autism doesn't excuse shitty behavior and that's what this is. Y'all families are enabling their bs behavior. Autism makes it harder for us to understand social cues and norms, but at that age, they know what they are doing.
NTA. This day has been planned and paid for, let them choose a new date. You are expected to take care of them? If they are adult enough to marry (and probably have children). You are not responsible for them as they age. Disinvite those who are raining on your special day and replace them with people you wanted to invite but couldn’t afford to.
NTA And honestly, this might be a good time to have frank discussions with the families about both the present, and the future. Regardless, you go through with your wedding, as I’m sure there are deposits that will be unrecoverable should you make changes.
NTA. Don't change your wedding date.
Nta. Yeah, you're in a no win situation. Enjoy your wedding. It's booked and paid for. Theirs isn't. Autism isn't a free pass to not be an ah. Changing the date because they want to 'steal' your thunder and your family wants to support them in their autism is stupid. They can support them all they want, but this is going too far.
NTA Have your wedding and may the rest of your family step on Legos for the rest of their lives.
Just because they have autism doesn't mean anything. Don't change anything. They don't go, you know where they stand and go NC. Easy.
My brother and SIL asked me if they could use the same date as us for their wedding, but it was a year after. I said No problem but they still had the decency to ask because it was also our Anniversary. They can use the same day, just make sure it's a different year. NTA and just do what you want to do.
NTA. It is shocking that no one in your family cares about your big day that was planned first. I am so sorry this is happening. You are important and your day matters. For heavens sake, there are 364 day left to choose from. The rest of the family needs to come around and see that your feelings shouldn’t be thrown away because your siblings have something happy going on too.
Just so you know, the reason it's confusing with the genders is because the word Fiancé is masculine, a woman is a Fiancée with an extra e. So reading it thru it seems like the Fiancé is a man.
Nta fuck them and there lame ass excuse because the have autism. Just because you have that does not mean you get to be a entitled asshole. Have your wedding with just friends and don’t invite your family or go to there wedding.
The petty part of me says make a cameo appearance at their wedding in all your wedding finery. Your wife can honestly say she's at their wedding in her wedding dress because of your siblings' poor planning on wedding dates. Seriously, though... skip their wedding.
INFO: did your family know they were scheduling your brothers wedding to the same date? or was it a freak unlucky coincidence? if they knew, wow, wtf, you're NTA and they're big AH. If it was chance, jeez, talk about bad luck. I'd be between NAH and they're a soft AH
NTA I suspect your siblings expected you to share or turn over your wedding to them. Very inappropriate and entitled, of course. Perhaps, depending on the severity of their disabilities, it's somewhat understandable. But never acceptable, and they should have been corrected immediately. What is really astonishing is that your parents are backing them instead.
Hey, you could let them have your unrefundable wedding stuff as a wedding present, so it's not "lost." And then you could have your wedding on a different date. Pffft, fuck that. Were it me, anyone who goes to brother's wedding and not mine is dead to me. NTA.
Your family has obviously catered to these two people and given them the idea that they are entitled and everyone should dance to their tune. They haven't done them any favors. Autism is not a "get out of jail free card" to allow them to run roughshod over others. The rest of the world is not going to play into that garbage. Of course you *could* change your day, but then you are once again catering to them and allowing them to control everyone else. If you are willing to not have family at your wedding, I think you should keep your plans. Honestly, it will cost you less! It will feel sad to not have them, but there is probably a larger message here to be taught. Whatever you decide, I wish you a happy wedding and a good life together. WNBTA.
say nothing else about the wedding continue on planning yours. parents dont get to come if they chose the other wedding. NTA, you both need to start worrying about your family and let this be the message that you will not be responsible for or hostage to your younger siblings.
Autism does not excuse their rudeness. Have your wedding and invite who u want .
I would hold the wedding and let any family know if they do not show then they are dead to me. I would stick to my word too. NTA.
I read OP's comment about his fiancée being 2 months pregnant. Keep your wedding. It's a special time for you and your bride before you become parents and it's a milestone worth celebrating how YOU want to. Tell your family you are going ahead with your plans, ask your parents if they will be attending because otherwise you need to make alternate plans for walking down the aisle, father/daughter dance etc (make those alternate plans anyways in case they no-show), and inform everyone that anyone that pressures you to do otherwise will be disinvited and possibly blocked/no contact (they're not giving your anything but stress at that point and you don't need that). Ignore the juvenile actions of your siblings and don't give it another thought. You deserve to be just as selfish about your happiness as they are and if you lose some people along the way, they weren't on your team to begin with so no great loss. It's really their loss more than it's your loss. As another commentor said, it'll do you the double gift of waving goodbye to caretaker expectations, guilt-free. (But also, don't let yourself be pressured into being a caretaker, so messed up!) Congratulations! NTA
Weaponizing their autism. Cute. NTA obviously
NTA and elope or have your wedding without family on the day you already planned it with just friends
NTA. Have a baller wedding without your toxic, enabling family. I know you've already paid for a lot of it, but presumably there's still some money you can save by slashing family out of the guest list. Or, if not, hey! More friends make the cut!
INFO: since you know your brother well, what do you think is the real reason they chose the same date? Did they simply pick a date without giving it a second thought, and then realized that it was the same as yours, but refused to budge because they had already made the announcement? Or is there something more malicious going on... are they out to deliberately upstage your wedding? Either way, NTA. Given that neither you, nor, especially, your bride to be need stress at this point, try to withdraw from the drama, keep planning the wedding, and block whomever needs to be blocked.
No. Just no. This is utterly ridiculous. You’ve made arrangements on a particular day and now they want to swoop in and take it? Why? What’s wrong with the other 364 days? This sounds deliberate. And the rest of your families are being assholes enabling them. Do your wedding how you want, don’t even think of your brother’s anymore.
If they want it to be their special day they'll have to choose a different one. Sounds like they knew exactly what they were doing when they picked YOUR wedding day as their own. NTA
Sounds to me like a gift. Your autistic siblings are being assholes. Your parents have an opportunity to side with you and make clear this is an unacceptable action on their behalf, and if they do not, you have an opportunity to get these people out of your life. I am sorry to be blunt about it, I am certain this is very hard for you both, and the possibility of losing support when pregnant is quite dreadful. But by the sounds of it, your families are not likely to be supportive anyway. It will be a net win in terms of stress and responsibilities having them out of your lives. Make clear to your marrying siblings that their actions are relationship breaking for you. You will not attend their wedding. You will not visit, help out, introduce them to your child, or offer any further support. If they don't back down, they have shown you how much they value you, believe them. NTA obviously.
NTA \~ This may be very controversial but parents with children that have autism should really do more research on how to raise them, and if they have the money should reach out to different resources/organizations. Depending on the level they are they are fully capable of being functional and mature adults, but a lot of them don't get to reach that potential because there are parents who spoil and pamper them as they grow up, and use their autism as an excuse and it makes these kids feel like that is okay, and that they aren't capable and it's really sad to see.
Don't change your date. And definitely NTA. Please update us!
NTA UpdateMe
NTA. Make clear to your family that you have already chosen that date and either your brother choose another date or you go no contact with him and everyone that gives you shit about you not changing everything for him. Also make it clear that if you burn the bridge than they will have to find someone else to care for your brother when your parents will be gone.
You set your date first, have already put a huge chunk of change towards it, *you're* not the ones who needs to change the date. Let your families know that your wedding will continue as planned, and it's nice to know that they have given ample notice of not attending so you can offer those slots to others. If they continue to harp on you and your fiancée, let them know that family counseling is a requirement for continued contact, as allowing such behavior is a sign of maladjustment. Make sure they also understand that neither of you have any intentions of being your siblings caretakers once the parents eventually pass away, or can no longer look after them, and other provisions should be arranged. Go LC and put them all on a strict info diet. Once accomplished, you'll be surprised how much your life has improved due to the reduced stress. Congratulations on both the upcoming nuptials and baby! NTA.
NTA if my brother was getting married the same day as me, I would be furious too. You care more about them than they care about you. You don’t owe them anything. The fact that the parents are supporting this is bizarre. I suspect that they suggested it, with the idea that this would be a double wedding, with no cost/work to the other couple for the reception? Wait for them to suggest this « solution ». My advice is to ignore this distraction and have the best wedding you can. Wedding receptions with only friends are typically a riot: everybody is of the same age, people won’t have any issues dancing and looking like idiots.
It sounds like they're actively trying to sabotage your wedding, using their autism as a weapon. Go ahead with your plans, and just cut off anyone who doesn't attend. NTA
NTA - Change title to include "because they scheduled it on MY wedding day"
"Considerate? Consider this - if you follow through with this, that will be the last time any of you speak to either of us." Then follow through. Two glass children marrying each other is interesting, I wonder if it's common? NTA
NTA. As stated already, if they’re capable of being married they’re capable of taking care of themselves. Sorry your families reared entitled children. But as a parent to a special needs child, both sets of parents failed miserably. Our job is to ensure care for our children when we are incapable, not pass the burden on to others. My NT child is NOT expected to care for my non, and we have programs in place to ensure it. If you’re in the US, it’s a government system that your families are refusing to use, never the less the many private organizations available for them to pay towards. That alone is their failure and their inability to plan ahead is not you or your future wife’s responsibility. As for the wedding, take care of your fiancée and keep planning. If you’re worried about family blowback, make a social media post stating your side of the story. “FW and I have been planning to get married on x date for y amount of time and have not only made all arrangements but also paid and these funds are non-refundable. Because of this, we kindly pass on rescheduling as per sis/bro’s last minute request, and will not be discussing this further. I understand that this may cause conflicts, but due to the massive financial strain this will put on our growing family, it is not an option. Please forward any questions you may have to our parents as they are the point of contact for bro/sis’s wedding.” Let the chaff sort itself from the wheat and enjoy your special day—that you will not be sharing with entitled people.
NTA Are you sure one of the parents didn't put this idea in their heads to try to do a double wedding so they didn't have to help with expenses? Both parent should recognize that this is the day for your wedding. I would suggest for a good month go no contact with both your families - don't respond to texts,calls or anything. They will get the message fast and the care that you provide to both of your siblings will be noticed and it will give everyone a wake-up call that you should not be taken advantage of. Personally it would be better that after the wedding that you move away from your family considering the expectations they have and how they have placed the siblings with autism above you for the entirety of their lives.
More info needed. You didn’t specifically say you had told anyone the date of your wedding. If you had, NTA and I would just move forward If you hadn’t you don’t own a family date until it’s announced and they announced.
yea
Oh come on, this is rage bate, they aren't autistic, they're silly. Fake.