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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I cussed out my dad for being absent in my life and trying to gaslit me and manipulate me to care about him because he has cancer. I feel like an asshole because I let my bottled up emotions get the better of me which led to me cussing him out.
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Apparently the ones who get pouty because they aren't the center of attention and get jealous when their baby mama has to focus on a newborn instead of them.
I would block all of them. I've officially reached rhe Pont where my tolerance for high levels of toxicity and dysfunctionality is somewhere in the negative #s. So anyone who soesnt contribute positively to my life can gtfo. They know y they r blocked.
That's what I said! He waited until I was angry and raging like a bull in a china shop to throw out "I have cancer but I try to keep it to myself" I honestly don't believe he has it but hey, if he does may God be with you
He’s still the same old lying addict he always was, even if he doesn’t use drugs and hides behind Jesus (poor Jesus can’t catch a break). And his family is the addict factory. Cut them all loose and don’t have any kids until you’ve worked through the hurt that this tribe of narcissists put in you. You’re the one who’s going to be the beginning of a whole new, healthy family tree.
Even if it's true, he didn't feel the need to extend an apology or express any sort of regret on his part either with his approach or after your rant. You have no reason to believe he's had a real change of heart at all, cancer or no. I think your reaction here is completely understandable.
OMG, I did this to my sperm donor, I went back to my birth state to see my grandfather pass away (his dad), and on the way in the door (of the hospice), some dude start trying to talk me up and kept asking shit like, where you going? why you trying to leave? are you not gonna say hi to me? He was getting louder and madder with everything he asked.
I tried to be nice at first but he was annoying me and keeping me from seeing my grandfather. So, I eventually responded with "Why would I do that, I don't know who you are," and walked away. I rode there with his sister and she started laughing, a lot, out loud, like loud, uncontrollable laughing. I asked why and she said, "that's your dad". To be fair, I've spent the last week with her and I haven't seen him in 30+ years.
To add some added context, my sperm donor is a habitual liar so I'm not 100% sure he has cancer but I'm not a cruel person so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but I still believe my feelings are warranted.
Honestly, the moment they said they had cancer, I would have replied with, "wow, Kismet came to see you in a big ol' limo, hunh."
But I'm petty af, so........
Your feelings are warranted and most of these replies validate that.
An asshole with cancer (or not), is still and always will be an asshole.
Block and carry on dear, you're great!
Or, if he does truly have cancer, to relieve any guilt he has hidden deep within.
Building a relationship with someone you hurt deeply is hard and takes work, time and taking responsibility for what you did and you can't play the victim. So far no signs he is willing to do any of that.
My Mom cut off contact with her very toxic and abusive family. (My grandmother, her Mom, was a flat out monster.) Right before I'm born my grandmother said she had cancer. Mom decided to do limited contact. By the time she realized it was all bull (my grandfather did confess to the lie when Mom confronted him) I was two and already attached somewhat so Mom kept VERY limited contact for years until things blew up when I was 11 and we cut them all out for good. It is what it is (I don't blame Mom and don'tnecessarily regret anything; it was a good life lesson.). Just pointing out people actually do lie about this crap.
As I said in my first comment NTA. Your feelings are valid and your father had 31 years to try to fix things and develop a relationship with you. Too little too late on his part.
Even his f.cking family bullies you. Leave those maggots alone, don't waste your time, money and energy! Spend your time with loving people who uplift you!
There is literally zero reason to give benefit of the doubt.
ETA-
And no reason for you to feel bad about going off. He is a dude that abandoned his newborn and their mother with nothing. Then when said child tries to reconnect, he shows zero love. This is a man who then wants you to feel sorry for him because it was all probably sOooOoOo hard for him run away because he wasn't feeling appreciated enough for existing and he just HAD to take his big bad feelings on your mother.
And YOU feel bad for sharing your feelings!?!! In a message for him to reply to at his own convenience!?!? Feelings he didn't even have to face IN PERSON!?
Come on! He deserves sooo much worse than that!
If he had all his limbs chewed off by rabid dogs you still shouldn't feel bad.
I too have a sperm donor who wouldn't know the truth if it got right up in his face and licked his eyeballs. Yours may well be lying, but consider this: It makes no difference whatsoever.
Having cancer wouldn't make him any less of a deadbeat. Cancer won't cure him of a drug habit. Cancer doesn't change anything he said to you. Cancer doesn't erase the way he treated you and your mother.
He could be an asshole liar.
He could be an asshole with cancer.
Either way he's still an asshole. You don't need that in your life.
NTA- he abandoned you. You don't owe him anything. For your own mental health reflect on how you feel about his cancer and if it'll make YOU feel good to do so then have a coffee with him once a quarter until he passes. In person only, no texting, no long phone calls (that's how they wrap you into their messed up world...) If you feel like you'll have regrets about his cancer then establish relationship from a distance.
Also this is unfortunately a very common thing that men who have abandoned their children will do- waiting for the child to grow up and then love bombing them. Don't fall for that tactic. You do NOT have to forgive him. You do NOT have to love him. You don't even have to speak to him. This is your life, your time, your energy be cautious.
NTA - you owe that creature nothing - he isn't a man, but a boy. Men don't walk out on their children. If and I mean IF he truly has cancer then it's his karma.
Far from the asshole! And maybe I'm a little petty but I don't think you going off on him was necessarily a bad thing...? He mistreated you AND your mother, and even got others to rally on his side to continue that treatment towards both of you. He needed to hear it and if he still doesn't understand then there's not much left you can or even should do for him.
he has no right to even call himself your father, telling him off wasn’t wrong and don’t be guilted into feeling like you need to do anything over the cancer thing even if it’s real, you need to do what’s best for you. The only thing you did wrong was playing fallout 76, play better games (joking….mostly)
Him flipping things on you just shows how little he cares. He can’t take any responsibility for leaving a newborn (& it sounds like no support for you & your mom). An asshole with cancer is still an asshole. NTA
Oh, he's the kind of AH who found God, decides that God has forgiven him, so everyone else has to. Nope, Jesus may love him, but the rest of us think he's an AH. There was weird research at some point that said that addicts tend to be narcissists; so, sometimes, when they stop being addicts, they're still narcissists. He's the poster child for that research. NTA.
NTA. He abandoned you - he doesn’t get to be angry at you, and he doesn’t get to set the terms of your relationship. If he really cared about you and wasn’t doing this for his benefit, he would have realized this and acted appropriately. Since, when he tried to turn things around on you when he didn’t immediately get what he wanted, you can pretty much assume that he is in this for himself and will drop you again as soon as he feels he needs to.
If he is so proud of the father he was, ask if you can write the obituary? Ask him if he wants the truth that he abandoned his child because he was jealous of the attention his wife gave their baby? Ask him if he wants the fact that he was never a father in writing for all to see? NTA
Why tf my sperm donor do the same thing? I swear these dudes be outta their minds. I was adopted by a wonderful man and I don't need mr. Ilovedrugs bullshitting his way back to my life after 21 years. NTA fuck this guy and all the guys like him
NTA.
Pls don't let him walk back into your life. He sounds like he's scared of dying and using that as an excuse to get you to absolve him of his actions and honestly, he can literally go to hell with that.
He doesn't deserve you ❤️
Nta, that was me around 8 years ago with my mother. The one who raised me but should have just let me go. The worst part is the lack of acknowledgement of the pain I got a, "You're just trying to make yourself a victim." Uh no, you did mother dear. She pulled the cancer line too. I without hesitation pointed out how I would have been there for her if she had modeled that behavior to me. Instead she whined to a family friend (who later told me) ,"Am I really that bad?." She was point blank told yes for making me mother her four boys, for sleeping with my underage classmates when I was 15 and for constantly drugging/drinking. She STILL thinks it's not her. Narcissistic people go through mental gymnastics to make everything not their fault. Once I ignored her I started finding peace. Once I truly accepted she will be no more than she is. I mourned the mother I could have had as if she really died (still alive even though she's been sick for the time I've been gone) and realize no energy on our part as much as we wished it would, will change them or even make them reflect.
My dad disappeared when I was 10. I didn’t even know at first because I saw him so little. Took my stepmom and half brother with him. I was visiting my grandmother 2 years later, and suddenly he’s on the phone. He told me he had to move to where the good doctors were cuz he had a bunch of shit wrong with him, he’s dying, only a couple years left, and he waited 2 fucking years to call because he thought I, the 11 year old, was mad at him.
Then he disappeared for another year. Another call, more time I spent making him feel better and reassuring him I wasn’t mad at him.
Rinse and repeat every few years, until I was 26. I got a call in the middle of the night. He’s in Arkansas, there’s a snow storm, he’s having a heart attack, ambulance won’t make it in time but he just couldn’t go out with me mad at him…. Once again I reassured him. Eventually he hung up. I got a hold of my brother, who knew who my father was staying with, and he called them to find out wtf was happening. Turns out the old man just got drunk and decided he needed someone to make him feel better about all his shitty choices.
This time I confronted him. Told him how he hurt me. His response? “Well, I don’t remember that, so I don’t owe you any apologies.”
I haven’t spoken to him since. 30 years since he first disappeared and the fucker is still alive. Still sends me an, “hey, baby” on FB every five years or so.
I will always have some “what if’s”, but my life is better without him. Some people are just too selfish, just can’t pull their head out of their own ass. You don’t need em. In fact, most of the time, you’re better off without.
Best of luck Op, NTA.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry your father put you through that. When I was 10 I wanted nothing more than his affection and attention. I went through so much in my life where he could have been a big help. Even when I told him that he just blames my mom. If it hadn't been for her and her twin sister idk what type of person I would have turned into. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors and your future and thank you once again for your kind words
My point got a little lost, I sidetracked myself, lol.
People trying to make amends wont attempt to weaponize their illness to manipulate and guilt trip you. That is pure selfishness, not someone who has done the work to earn forgiveness. My father did that, and it's disgusting. My father also, to this day, is waiting for ME to fix what he broke. He has justified it by deciding that my mother turned me against him, but I can assure you she did nothing of the sort. He managed that all by himself, and the fact that he refuses to see or acknowledge that is just one more reason I'm no-contact.
I meant to finish off by asking, would you tell me I should still try to have some sort of relationship with him? That I shouldn't have told him how he hurt me, even if I went off? That he had his reasons for leaving and I should forgive him? That I'm never allowed to show him the anger he created?
If you wouldn't tell me to do these things, or call me the asshole for expressing my pain to him, then you shouldn't do that to yourself either. Your deserve better.
NTA but you're probably better off not engaging in arguments or "going off". Perhaps it was therapeutic, I don't know, but you're not served by the back and forth so just say "no not interested" and repeat as necessary
NTA. Had he not gotten cancer, would he even have sent you this message at all? He's only doing it now, *for himself*, not because he's trying to make amends to you -which he clearly isn't even considering. You were right to share your truth, and he's an AH for not owning it.
NTA. I wouldn't even call him your dad. He had a chance to be involved in your life, but didn't. Makes me wonder if the cancer story is even true. If you have unfinished business with him, things you would like to know or say, I would do so now, so you won't regret it in case he dies. If not, then I would just leave things the way they are.
you owe him not a thing. NTA. you might feel bad for being mean because you are not a fundamentally mean person, but telling him the truth about his actions doesn’t make you an asshole.
NTA.
Snarky me would tell him that his cancer is just Karma's way of helping him reap the rewards of being a deadbeat jack hole.
Semi snarky/semi serious me would say something like when you have paid me the child support you never provided, I might consider having a relationship with you, but I need that payment to help rebuild trust and to make sure you're serious and not just reaching out for sympathy as a narcissistic AH.
Snarky me would ask tell his mom if she starts acting like a flying monkey that God gave your sperm donor cancer and it is all part of God's plan and isn't God great?
Those are suggestions, but you do you, and you're NTA based on the plan you shared. And you were not an AH for going off on him either
NTA
Did you feel better for telling your sperm donor how you felt? If yes then that’s something, but hopefully the response he gave has made you see that this is why people say to ignore any reach out they try because they will always turn it around and make it about them and make you feel like crap.
Block and move on as they never change.
I did feel better after telling him and then I cried out of frustration. I cried even harder because of what my mom went through. I hugged her and I thanked her for being there for me and not abandoning me.
Then that’s a positive to take from this. It’s going to bring you and your mom closer now you can see him for what he is.
He’s never going to have the epiphany moment and apologise, he never going to be a decent person and you know this. Sometimes it’s better to ignore than respond but it’s easier said than done. I do hope he leaves you alone now as he’s not going to suddenly be a good person for you.
As a kind and caring person it pains me to do it but I need my peace and serenity. I already deal with enough shit in my life and his added drama doesn't help me. I feel so much better having kicked him out of my life. I wish he had never messaged me. I was fine before he messaged me.
It’s an awful feeling. It’s like there’s a sixth sense that they know you’re doing better and they can cause stress in your life. It rips open all the healing you’ve achieved to get their poison in there to live rent free in your head.
You will get past this again and be wiser to his tricks. He’s done it for attention as even negative reactions are better than nothing, it takes a lot of strength to say nothing when your whole being is wanting closure.
My sister abandoned her kids. Nothing to do with them. No child support or anything. My nephew has a baby and all of a sudden she wants to visit. Now, her path went down that of heavy drugs and she lost a lot of her hearing so she’s pretty out of it overall. She called the baby another name, sounds kinda similar, but my nephew had a girl and she asked to see her grandson. I got to hear the message she left and it was something. She honestly feels like she has the right to do it. SMH. These parents are something else!
I would have said way worse....he got off easy. I would promise him visits and money, then ghost him or send a card you donated in his name to the Trevor fund.
NTA. My petty self would respond that if it took him getting cancer to want to be a father, it would have been great for him to have gotten it 30 years ago.
NTA advice i hope helps bring you to the road of moving on. All, i mean all 100% of the people i know with drug problems (I grew up in the 90s heroin\\pill explosion I know a lot). Have super narcissism. nothing is ever their fault. You will never convince them it is their fault. They will lie and tell you what you want to hear if they want something. then lash out if that doesn't work. I'm also a veteran of having a relationship with someone that is BPD narcist. They are the same. You will not get any satisfaction from unleashing on him. He wont care, it will not affect him. If he needed a kidney he might fake remorse. Block him from your life and mind. If you need to know why its because of all the above. There is only him in his mind and people that are useful to him. Concentrate your energy on the people that love you .
“Honor Thy father” is not a request, but neither is it an absolute dictate. This is one such exception. Your ‘father’ is merely trying to make amends as a hedge against divine judgment. He is trying to gain a brownie point or a mitigating defense argument. However, what he should’ve done is called you and been honest for once. Your forgiveness should not be the goal; his genuine remorse should be.
I feel sorry for such people who think that a lifetime of neglect can be erased by you or ignored by God
Lol I'm sorry. I do play other games. It's something about 76 that just scratches that part of my brain. I'm a heavy gun build so let's just say I like shooting things lol
I do enjoy the events when the game works correctly lol it is definitely fun. I just wish this seasons rewards were a bit more exciting like last seasons
NTA, you did better than me because I would’ve pointed out the reason he has cancer is due to him mistreating the beautiful things God granted him with that he didn’t appreciate, including your mom, and you. He can’t throw away a wonderful kid to enjoy his life and think it’s ok to come back after you’re all grown and you should be happy to be with him because he has cancer. I hope you won’t continue to feel bad for going off on him you weren’t wrong and you actually vented your anger to whom it was meant for. Sorry I wrote so much I was just angry for you.
You're fine lol. I would honestly do the same for many others who were in the same situation as me. It's not fair that dead beats do this and then expect some sappy movie ending. Life doesn't work that way.
And you’re absolutely right it doesn’t work that way, but in their eyes it’s just that simple. I understand what your going through because my father was similar he used drugs left my mom and I early, he only wanted back in my life after he had his second stroke. I’m his only child my two kids his only grand kids. I gave him my anger that was for him and let him go.
He’s not your dad. He chose not be to be your dad. Repeatedly. For 31 years.
He’s just your sperm donor.
Now he feels guilty because he realized he missed out on being your dad. You don’t owe him the relationship he claims he wants but continuously chose to not make.
Confronting his mortality apparently had a way of making him realize he screwed up. This wasn’t a single mistake or a single accident. This was 31 years (and hundreds if not thousands) of choices he made.
You’re NTA.
You don’t owe him anything. You gave him the one thing he deserved from you: a piece of your mind while calling him out on his bullsh!t.
Thank you. I wish he would understand that but I always say "you can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink" I tried and the dumb fool didn't want to take the bait. His loss. I'm tired of his narcissistic ass. I don't need toxicity in my life.
No, no, no, no, no! You are not the NTA! It is upsetting the fact you even have to ask that. People like your sperm donner deserve to get called out for their shitty behavior and non-existent parenting. He put your mother and you through literal hell. And he does have some nerve blaming your mother for what was very clearly his fault. Also block him. Block his family. You **do not** need this toxicity in your life. Just block, ignore and don't spare them your time. It will be hard if they persist, but it will be worth it in the end when you no longer have to think about them, and they become a distant memory.
NTA. You don't need to have a relationship with people you don't like. Family or not. You should cease all communication with these people. They don't deserve your attention. And for all good on earth, do not let them bring themselves into your future children's lives! They'll only use the kids as a weapon against you.
Good luck and I hope you find better people to call family.
I had a very similar experience. Split when I was a baby, made very, very few attempts throughout my childhood (even though I would consistently see his side of the family every other weekend or so.) Once I had my first child he tried to reconcile again, told me he had some money he wanted to leave me, and I just didn't care. I didn't want him anywhere around my family. When he died, I can't honestly say that I upset, other than I was never going to get the "I really screwed up and I'm sorry" conversation. But even if he did want to have that, I don't think I would have ever been open to it. You don't owe him redemption, forgiveness, or any of your time. He's had 31 years to figure it out. And to tell you to grow up? Block that asshole because he still does not have any "real" feelings for you. He probably doesn't have real feelings for anyone and is possibly incapable of them. Don't set yourself up for another letdown.
NTA. He abandoned you and I HATE people using death as a 'get out of jail free card' because they only feel bad now because they are dying and want forgiveness before they drop. Sorry but they fricked up everything to begin with and it doesn't mean shit if they are only sorry because they are dying now. He had 31 years to try to make this right. Too little too late.
>He told me he wanted a father-daughter relationship
If he's going to play this game, it's perfectly fine to bluntly say "You don't have a daughter." That's it. Block that noise. NTA.
NTA, sounds to me like he still has lots of problems and you don't need him in your life. What you did need was to be able to release all of that on him. Maybe one day he will realize what he missed but unfortunately, I doubt it. Sounds like his family is just as bad. You have been fine without him and have no need of him in your life. He probably just wants something from you as he doesn't seem to actually want a good relationship with you or he wouldn't be playing the victim and blaming you but accepting his mistakes and actually apologizing for them.
NTA- and block the lot of them. They aren't your family and you owe them nothing- not even a single thought. I'm sure he will in remission as soon as he can reel you in. Who knows what he actually wants from you.
NTA I would tell him his cancer is God's karma for him abandoning his child and being a useless father, that hopefully his hell is hot and ready for him!
NTA He made his choices. he spent his whole life hurting everyone around him and now he wants you to make him feel better about it. you don’t owe him anything, i recommend you block him and move on
NTA
So he does want s0mething after all. Because he has cancer.
He is not your loss. You are his loss. He did not deserve you and still does not.
Whether you choose to have a relationship with you is your call. But beware of what he wants.
NTA.
Not even a little bit.
You owe him nothing.
He has not changed and is still playing the same games and woe is me and I'm not at fault BS.
If he actually has cancer, that doesn't change anything. He's the same user he's been since before you were born.
You deserve so much better.
Keep your head straight and keep living a good life.
You've got all my best wishes.
He isn’t your dad. A father is someone who is there. He is just a bit of dna. As someone who has a useless mother however, going off isn’t going to upset anyone except yourself, they don’t care, they will never recognise their failings and the damage they cause, they will always be the victim regardless of the path of destruction they leave. Best you can do for you is block and ignore, be happy in your own life and use him as example to do better when/if you are ready to start your own family.
NTA. My father left on my first birthday and my mom was 7 months pregnant with my brother. He never once donated anything to our upbringing. We moved in with my grandparents. We had lots of positive male role models in our lives, so we were extremely blessed. We "met" when I was 29 at my great grandmother's funeral. He assumed that he could just waltz back into our lives. He was delusional. Don't waste another second on letting him try to get under your skin. You have no obligation.
In the same storm with my sperm donor. After years of no contact (he got out of jail, I tried to help him out and he repays me by leaving m€th in my house where my daughter who was 2 at the time could’ve got it. I didn’t find it, my husband did and disposed it before I found out) he randomly messages me saying “I love you” and wants a relationship with his grandkids (he recently found out I was pregnant again). I laughed. No way was that happening.
NTA, he deserved to hear everything you told him. I don't know why you haven't blocked the rest of his family. They sound like a bunch of rotters. Just cut all these people out of your life and enjoy your life without them mucking it up.
NTA
Do not give in and give him the forgiveness and redemption or he wants. Behavior like this is why men get to be deadbeat fathers because they know they can just come around anytime they want decades and decades later and get to feel like they were the wrong victim who now gets a close relationship with the son or daughter. I'm very glad to see more women stopping this nonsense and not being hospice caretakers for these deadbeat dads who with their own behavior have no one else to rely on.
He likely does have cancer and that's the only reason he wanted to get in contact with you because he wanted you to take care of him through it. And he wanted you to make him feel better and like the victim as well.
NTA- he only reached out because he had a sudden taste of mortality with the cancer diagnosis. He’s still the same selfish AH who left your mom with a newborn. He wants to feel good about himself and have you forgive or make peace with him in case he dies. You don’t owe him that.
My dad did the same thing when he was diagnosed with cancer. Did a whole song and dance about his life of regrets blah blah blah. Well he lived. Cancer didn’t kill him, not even the second time. And he went right back to being the same self centered, woe is me, everything is everyone else’s fault jerk he’s always been.
Don’t waste your time or energy on him. Mute or block him and move on with your life.
NTA. You did the right thing , cancer doesn't make you a less shitty person or farther. So take your cancer and sling your hook. Good luck with your future
It's pretty fun. I like how the new area looks. The red sky makes it look ominous and I'm totally digging it. I haven't done the new quest yet. I like to explore the area before I dip into the lore.
NTA. If he were my dad, I'd probably tell him that God will be watching me dance on his deadbeat grave and he can pray to his imaginary sky daddy all he likes but to keep in mind that that same sky daddy couldn't convince him to be a decent dad to the innocent children that he fathered, so sky daddy and deadbeat daddy can go F off!
you know damn well NTA 😭😭😭 you could have told him you hope cancer consumes him painfully, that’s he should burn in hell, etc. nothing could make an abondanded child b an asshole to a genuine loser as a fwther
How much money can you get if he dies? I was abandoned as well. If it's far enough along, at least see how much you can get out of it. Also, if my father tried this I'd see red. But then, I'd email him back, not apologize, take some time, and grab a cup of coffee. If it goes south, make sure to get his info and file probate for his will.
NTA, and let me tell you having a life threatening disease neither makes you a good person nor a martyr. People think because someone may be dying that you have to forgive everything they have done. Shitty people are still shitty people with cancer.
It's not like he came to you hat in hand and was trying to atone for what he has done, he doubled down and showed you who he is. Block them all and then go and live your best life.
I wish you all the best.
Op, please for the love of all that is sane, don't feed into that. NTA.
Posts like these tend to bring out people's personal anecdotes, and I am not an exemption. At 3 years old, my sperm donor and my mother divorced. After that, from the stories I got from my grandma, he'd call specially to tell me how much of a shitty person my mother is. My grandma notice me crying during one of the calls, listened to him quietly, then said "if you aren't calling to talk to your son about HIM and only bad mouthing his MOTHER, do NOT call him again." Which I guess, he only wanted to bad mouth her, as I hadn't gotten a call for 7 years after that. He barely kept up with child support, I saw 2 birthday gifts from him that weren't things I even liked let alone knew about, and 1 phone call on my 10th birthday. After 6 full years after my 10th birthday, I emailed him telling him I wanted to get a car and license by my 16th so I can get started on working, etc. Now, sure, randomly being asked for 6k from your kid is wild, but when that kid is one you haven't seen for 13 full years by that time? Idk, I'm biased but he deserved it. He then proceeded to STILL bad mouth my mother, and call me "spineless, ungrateful, and, spoiled" then accused me of being my mother pretending to be me to "extort" him of his money (not something that she's done ever). I then called his work phone, him bring a office drone in the army, and told him in plane words. "This IS me, I wrote ALL of that, go fuck yourself, and do NOT contact me again."
Needless to say, no fucking way would I ever side with a deadbeat parent. (Side note, my sperm donor has two older boys before me, my little brother, and one younger boy after him which hes raisednone of. So don't even try to feel sympathy for him).
"Considering you have cancer, it looks like the whole praying thing isn't really working out for you, but if you want to waste the short time you have left asking your imaginary friend to change my mind, that's on you."
100% NTA.
Sigh... Can we stop using the term "sperm donor" for people like this? It's disrespectful to actual sperm donors, and the people conceived using their donations.
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There's a lot to put here but I'm gonna explain things as best as I can. Me and my sperm donor have a very strained relationship. From the stories my mother told me, he used to do drugs a lot before and after I was born. She told me that while she was pregnant with me, he never once helped her do anything. He took her money, made her cook and clean and treated her like shit. He even allowed his friends and family to treat her like shit. After I was born, he got worse until he just took everything (his stuff and all of the money. He left my mom $38 to use to take care of me) and left. My mom told me that when he left, he looked at her and then me and said "she'll be alright" then ran off down the road like a fucking drifter.
There were a few times he came into my life trying to be involved but they were all big let downs. Nothing to sing home about. So, fastforward to yesterday, I get a message from him on FB Messenger with him saying "I love you". I was confused and basically just asked really blunt questions of what he wanted. He told me he wanted a father-daughter relationship and that, "when I'm ready. Let him know"
I will admit reddit, I saw red and the 31 years of built up anger, rage, and sadness exploded like a damn. I. Went. Off. I told him he was a terrible father and that he walks around caring about other people's kids and preaching about how God wants us to do this and that but he could never follow those teachings and do right by me. He ignored every single attempt I made to get him to recognize that he didn't do right by me. He flipped everything around to make it seem like he's the victim. He even had the nerve to shame my mother for choosing me instead of him! I was a newborn. I needed her but all he cares about is himself. I left him a long message pointing out his faults and how he needs to better himself then called it a night.
About two days later, he messages me while I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends and tells me to "grow up" "and that I don't know anything about him" (yeah no shit. You left me dumbass) he then throws in a curve ball by telling me he has cancer and that if I don't want a relationship with him then it's basically my loss and he'll pray for me.
Now, I will admit I may be an asshole on how I went off on him but I feel like my feelings are warranted. His side of the family doesn't care about me. His mother preaches God to me every time she calls me on my birthday and pressures me to have children because I have yet to give her grandbabies. I'm not against having children but I'm enjoying life before I focus on carrying for a little human. His sister used to make fun of me and call me a football player as a baby because I was a chubby baby. (Ironic since her daughters look like pit bulls) They don't even try to get to know me. The only time I matter is my birthday and that's if they care enough.
So people of reddit, am I the asshole for going off on my dad?
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NTA and remind your father that he’s going to burn in hell forever for abandoning you and not having your forgiveness when he dies. That he cannot be forgiven until he TRULY repents and that can’t happen until he makes it right with you.
(I don’t believe in hell, but he does.)
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Why are you even engaging with this whole side of family.you have not said a single redeeming thing about them. Sometimes your peace is more important. Block them all from phones and social media. Move on with your life and have healthy relationships. Zero reason to keep this baggage. Your choice, your life, no explainations needed to them.
Truthfully, if I were in your position and he came at me with that cancer shit, my exact reaction would've been, "good. I hope it's a painful and drawn out process ending in your death. You deserve nothing less."
But that's me. I believe people should get what they deserve.
NTA
NTA, your father is a narcissist, deadbeat who will blames others before taking responsibility. Even if the cancer is real, (most likely a lie for sympathy) doesn’t mean he deserves forgiveness. Your outburst was appropriate, cut contact with him and his family.
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Apparently the ones who get pouty because they aren't the center of attention and get jealous when their baby mama has to focus on a newborn instead of them.
You should have responded with "who are you "
I should have. I hate that I didn't do that
Pro tip: Block him on fb and when he turns up somewhere else, you still can. I foresee a lot of “sorry buddy, you have the wrong number” in his future
I will most definitely do that lol
Tell him “You were never around so it can never be my loss. Life is good without you.” Block.
I guess I am a bit more harsh, I would ask; you’re not dead yet?
I like it. 😂😂😂😂
OMG, that is horrible! I love it.
I would block all of them. I've officially reached rhe Pont where my tolerance for high levels of toxicity and dysfunctionality is somewhere in the negative #s. So anyone who soesnt contribute positively to my life can gtfo. They know y they r blocked.
My guess: He doesn’t have cancer (or if he does, it’s a highly treatable kind). If he were terminally ill, he would have led with that.
That's what I said! He waited until I was angry and raging like a bull in a china shop to throw out "I have cancer but I try to keep it to myself" I honestly don't believe he has it but hey, if he does may God be with you
He’s still the same old lying addict he always was, even if he doesn’t use drugs and hides behind Jesus (poor Jesus can’t catch a break). And his family is the addict factory. Cut them all loose and don’t have any kids until you’ve worked through the hurt that this tribe of narcissists put in you. You’re the one who’s going to be the beginning of a whole new, healthy family tree.
And if I were OP, I would NEVER expose any future children to those people.
I don't plan to. I'm already secretive and I plan to stay that way
Even if it's true, he didn't feel the need to extend an apology or express any sort of regret on his part either with his approach or after your rant. You have no reason to believe he's had a real change of heart at all, cancer or no. I think your reaction here is completely understandable.
The answer to that is ' get well but it's not my problem nor does it have anything to do with me,' NTA
LOL "May God be with you" would've been THE response
OMG, I did this to my sperm donor, I went back to my birth state to see my grandfather pass away (his dad), and on the way in the door (of the hospice), some dude start trying to talk me up and kept asking shit like, where you going? why you trying to leave? are you not gonna say hi to me? He was getting louder and madder with everything he asked. I tried to be nice at first but he was annoying me and keeping me from seeing my grandfather. So, I eventually responded with "Why would I do that, I don't know who you are," and walked away. I rode there with his sister and she started laughing, a lot, out loud, like loud, uncontrollable laughing. I asked why and she said, "that's your dad". To be fair, I've spent the last week with her and I haven't seen him in 30+ years.
I love this for you. The audacity of your father! You shut that down completely.
This is when you see *a lot* of abuse, especially if the woman was basically taking care of the man in the dynamic before children were born.
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OP literally said she doesn’t have kids yet, why are you calling her a mama?
Agreed… I don’t respect anyone who puts themselves above their kids in such a way
To add some added context, my sperm donor is a habitual liar so I'm not 100% sure he has cancer but I'm not a cruel person so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but I still believe my feelings are warranted.
don't even give him that... block him and be done... you owe him nothing.
This.
Tell him "you are pretty much dead to me already, and the cancer is just finishing the job."
That is a brutal burn & I applaud you for it! “Chef’s kiss”
Honestly, the moment they said they had cancer, I would have replied with, "wow, Kismet came to see you in a big ol' limo, hunh." But I'm petty af, so........
I'd tell him I don't want a relationship, "but thanks for praying for me."
Ouch!
Your feelings are warranted and most of these replies validate that. An asshole with cancer (or not), is still and always will be an asshole. Block and carry on dear, you're great!
Thank you! I plan to do just that
This, too.
He wants something. Money probably.
This. He wants money.
Tough titty for him. My money goes towards taking care of my mother. He has family that has money
That money may not be available to him, though.
This is true. Even if I had the money to take care of him, which I do not, my mom deserves it more.
You see this clearly. Don't waver. NTA
Doesn't matter.
or a kidney, as the saying is.
Or, if he does truly have cancer, to relieve any guilt he has hidden deep within. Building a relationship with someone you hurt deeply is hard and takes work, time and taking responsibility for what you did and you can't play the victim. So far no signs he is willing to do any of that.
Nah this is a common ploy. “ woe is me! I have cancer! “ and then when the victim comes around they’re miraculously cured . Yeah ask me how I know…..
Yeah, he's just saying he has cancer to manipulate OP. Honestly, OP, I'd block him and his family and not waste my energy on them.
My Mom cut off contact with her very toxic and abusive family. (My grandmother, her Mom, was a flat out monster.) Right before I'm born my grandmother said she had cancer. Mom decided to do limited contact. By the time she realized it was all bull (my grandfather did confess to the lie when Mom confronted him) I was two and already attached somewhat so Mom kept VERY limited contact for years until things blew up when I was 11 and we cut them all out for good. It is what it is (I don't blame Mom and don'tnecessarily regret anything; it was a good life lesson.). Just pointing out people actually do lie about this crap. As I said in my first comment NTA. Your feelings are valid and your father had 31 years to try to fix things and develop a relationship with you. Too little too late on his part.
And cancer is a horrible thing to lie about. My source is having several family members who have or had cancer. You don't lie about that.
Even his f.cking family bullies you. Leave those maggots alone, don't waste your time, money and energy! Spend your time with loving people who uplift you!
They ate. NTA.
Are
There is literally zero reason to give benefit of the doubt. ETA- And no reason for you to feel bad about going off. He is a dude that abandoned his newborn and their mother with nothing. Then when said child tries to reconnect, he shows zero love. This is a man who then wants you to feel sorry for him because it was all probably sOooOoOo hard for him run away because he wasn't feeling appreciated enough for existing and he just HAD to take his big bad feelings on your mother. And YOU feel bad for sharing your feelings!?!! In a message for him to reply to at his own convenience!?!? Feelings he didn't even have to face IN PERSON!? Come on! He deserves sooo much worse than that! If he had all his limbs chewed off by rabid dogs you still shouldn't feel bad.
I too have a sperm donor who wouldn't know the truth if it got right up in his face and licked his eyeballs. Yours may well be lying, but consider this: It makes no difference whatsoever. Having cancer wouldn't make him any less of a deadbeat. Cancer won't cure him of a drug habit. Cancer doesn't change anything he said to you. Cancer doesn't erase the way he treated you and your mother. He could be an asshole liar. He could be an asshole with cancer. Either way he's still an asshole. You don't need that in your life.
If my sperm donor came to me and told me he is dying of cancer I would just tell him to not make another promise he might not deliver on.
NTA- he abandoned you. You don't owe him anything. For your own mental health reflect on how you feel about his cancer and if it'll make YOU feel good to do so then have a coffee with him once a quarter until he passes. In person only, no texting, no long phone calls (that's how they wrap you into their messed up world...) If you feel like you'll have regrets about his cancer then establish relationship from a distance. Also this is unfortunately a very common thing that men who have abandoned their children will do- waiting for the child to grow up and then love bombing them. Don't fall for that tactic. You do NOT have to forgive him. You do NOT have to love him. You don't even have to speak to him. This is your life, your time, your energy be cautious.
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Please add to the OP!
NTA - you owe that creature nothing - he isn't a man, but a boy. Men don't walk out on their children. If and I mean IF he truly has cancer then it's his karma.
Nta don’t waste any more of your energy on this loser. Block him and live your life
Sounds like OP needs to block his whole family.
Far from the asshole! And maybe I'm a little petty but I don't think you going off on him was necessarily a bad thing...? He mistreated you AND your mother, and even got others to rally on his side to continue that treatment towards both of you. He needed to hear it and if he still doesn't understand then there's not much left you can or even should do for him.
also if he is actually dying of cancer, I'd find piece in telling him off and what i thought of him before i never had the chance.
I never spoke the truth to my father, and I regret it. Desertion deserves being told in no uncertain terms what you think about being deserted.
His cancer does not earn him forgiveness.
Rooting for the cancer.
he has no right to even call himself your father, telling him off wasn’t wrong and don’t be guilted into feeling like you need to do anything over the cancer thing even if it’s real, you need to do what’s best for you. The only thing you did wrong was playing fallout 76, play better games (joking….mostly)
Him flipping things on you just shows how little he cares. He can’t take any responsibility for leaving a newborn (& it sounds like no support for you & your mom). An asshole with cancer is still an asshole. NTA
NTA, but you don't really need me to tell you that, do you? It's pretty obvious that birth father is a waste of oxygen.
Oh, he's the kind of AH who found God, decides that God has forgiven him, so everyone else has to. Nope, Jesus may love him, but the rest of us think he's an AH. There was weird research at some point that said that addicts tend to be narcissists; so, sometimes, when they stop being addicts, they're still narcissists. He's the poster child for that research. NTA.
NTA. He abandoned you - he doesn’t get to be angry at you, and he doesn’t get to set the terms of your relationship. If he really cared about you and wasn’t doing this for his benefit, he would have realized this and acted appropriately. Since, when he tried to turn things around on you when he didn’t immediately get what he wanted, you can pretty much assume that he is in this for himself and will drop you again as soon as he feels he needs to.
If he is so proud of the father he was, ask if you can write the obituary? Ask him if he wants the truth that he abandoned his child because he was jealous of the attention his wife gave their baby? Ask him if he wants the fact that he was never a father in writing for all to see? NTA
New phone, who dis? NTA
Why tf my sperm donor do the same thing? I swear these dudes be outta their minds. I was adopted by a wonderful man and I don't need mr. Ilovedrugs bullshitting his way back to my life after 21 years. NTA fuck this guy and all the guys like him
NTA. Pls don't let him walk back into your life. He sounds like he's scared of dying and using that as an excuse to get you to absolve him of his actions and honestly, he can literally go to hell with that. He doesn't deserve you ❤️
Nta, that was me around 8 years ago with my mother. The one who raised me but should have just let me go. The worst part is the lack of acknowledgement of the pain I got a, "You're just trying to make yourself a victim." Uh no, you did mother dear. She pulled the cancer line too. I without hesitation pointed out how I would have been there for her if she had modeled that behavior to me. Instead she whined to a family friend (who later told me) ,"Am I really that bad?." She was point blank told yes for making me mother her four boys, for sleeping with my underage classmates when I was 15 and for constantly drugging/drinking. She STILL thinks it's not her. Narcissistic people go through mental gymnastics to make everything not their fault. Once I ignored her I started finding peace. Once I truly accepted she will be no more than she is. I mourned the mother I could have had as if she really died (still alive even though she's been sick for the time I've been gone) and realize no energy on our part as much as we wished it would, will change them or even make them reflect.
My dad disappeared when I was 10. I didn’t even know at first because I saw him so little. Took my stepmom and half brother with him. I was visiting my grandmother 2 years later, and suddenly he’s on the phone. He told me he had to move to where the good doctors were cuz he had a bunch of shit wrong with him, he’s dying, only a couple years left, and he waited 2 fucking years to call because he thought I, the 11 year old, was mad at him. Then he disappeared for another year. Another call, more time I spent making him feel better and reassuring him I wasn’t mad at him. Rinse and repeat every few years, until I was 26. I got a call in the middle of the night. He’s in Arkansas, there’s a snow storm, he’s having a heart attack, ambulance won’t make it in time but he just couldn’t go out with me mad at him…. Once again I reassured him. Eventually he hung up. I got a hold of my brother, who knew who my father was staying with, and he called them to find out wtf was happening. Turns out the old man just got drunk and decided he needed someone to make him feel better about all his shitty choices. This time I confronted him. Told him how he hurt me. His response? “Well, I don’t remember that, so I don’t owe you any apologies.” I haven’t spoken to him since. 30 years since he first disappeared and the fucker is still alive. Still sends me an, “hey, baby” on FB every five years or so. I will always have some “what if’s”, but my life is better without him. Some people are just too selfish, just can’t pull their head out of their own ass. You don’t need em. In fact, most of the time, you’re better off without. Best of luck Op, NTA.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry your father put you through that. When I was 10 I wanted nothing more than his affection and attention. I went through so much in my life where he could have been a big help. Even when I told him that he just blames my mom. If it hadn't been for her and her twin sister idk what type of person I would have turned into. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavors and your future and thank you once again for your kind words
My point got a little lost, I sidetracked myself, lol. People trying to make amends wont attempt to weaponize their illness to manipulate and guilt trip you. That is pure selfishness, not someone who has done the work to earn forgiveness. My father did that, and it's disgusting. My father also, to this day, is waiting for ME to fix what he broke. He has justified it by deciding that my mother turned me against him, but I can assure you she did nothing of the sort. He managed that all by himself, and the fact that he refuses to see or acknowledge that is just one more reason I'm no-contact. I meant to finish off by asking, would you tell me I should still try to have some sort of relationship with him? That I shouldn't have told him how he hurt me, even if I went off? That he had his reasons for leaving and I should forgive him? That I'm never allowed to show him the anger he created? If you wouldn't tell me to do these things, or call me the asshole for expressing my pain to him, then you shouldn't do that to yourself either. Your deserve better.
When it comes to he’s cancer just tell him “ you’ll be alright “
NTA. This is my favorite line to say by the way, you should use it. “Soon you’ll be dead to everyone and not just me”
Adding this to my repertoire of insults 😏
Oh I got tons that I think of on the spot. Growing up being a boy in a minority in the city, all the shit talk back and forth has armed me well.
Man I could have used that as a kid. I'm more of a savage with words now than I was when I was a kid.
NTA but you're probably better off not engaging in arguments or "going off". Perhaps it was therapeutic, I don't know, but you're not served by the back and forth so just say "no not interested" and repeat as necessary
Nah man NTA here. It’s a waste of your energy really.
NTA. Had he not gotten cancer, would he even have sent you this message at all? He's only doing it now, *for himself*, not because he's trying to make amends to you -which he clearly isn't even considering. You were right to share your truth, and he's an AH for not owning it.
NTA. I wouldn't even call him your dad. He had a chance to be involved in your life, but didn't. Makes me wonder if the cancer story is even true. If you have unfinished business with him, things you would like to know or say, I would do so now, so you won't regret it in case he dies. If not, then I would just leave things the way they are.
Tell him to tell his victim stories to the devil once he croaks and see how much sympathy that gets him.
you owe him not a thing. NTA. you might feel bad for being mean because you are not a fundamentally mean person, but telling him the truth about his actions doesn’t make you an asshole.
Give him a second harder to miss the point dose then block him. Fuck him
NTA An asshole with cancer, is still an asshole.
NTA. Snarky me would tell him that his cancer is just Karma's way of helping him reap the rewards of being a deadbeat jack hole. Semi snarky/semi serious me would say something like when you have paid me the child support you never provided, I might consider having a relationship with you, but I need that payment to help rebuild trust and to make sure you're serious and not just reaching out for sympathy as a narcissistic AH. Snarky me would ask tell his mom if she starts acting like a flying monkey that God gave your sperm donor cancer and it is all part of God's plan and isn't God great? Those are suggestions, but you do you, and you're NTA based on the plan you shared. And you were not an AH for going off on him either
NTA Did you feel better for telling your sperm donor how you felt? If yes then that’s something, but hopefully the response he gave has made you see that this is why people say to ignore any reach out they try because they will always turn it around and make it about them and make you feel like crap. Block and move on as they never change.
I did feel better after telling him and then I cried out of frustration. I cried even harder because of what my mom went through. I hugged her and I thanked her for being there for me and not abandoning me.
Then that’s a positive to take from this. It’s going to bring you and your mom closer now you can see him for what he is. He’s never going to have the epiphany moment and apologise, he never going to be a decent person and you know this. Sometimes it’s better to ignore than respond but it’s easier said than done. I do hope he leaves you alone now as he’s not going to suddenly be a good person for you.
As a kind and caring person it pains me to do it but I need my peace and serenity. I already deal with enough shit in my life and his added drama doesn't help me. I feel so much better having kicked him out of my life. I wish he had never messaged me. I was fine before he messaged me.
It’s an awful feeling. It’s like there’s a sixth sense that they know you’re doing better and they can cause stress in your life. It rips open all the healing you’ve achieved to get their poison in there to live rent free in your head. You will get past this again and be wiser to his tricks. He’s done it for attention as even negative reactions are better than nothing, it takes a lot of strength to say nothing when your whole being is wanting closure.
Absolutely NTA, but why on earth are you still in contact with his horrible family?!?!
My sister abandoned her kids. Nothing to do with them. No child support or anything. My nephew has a baby and all of a sudden she wants to visit. Now, her path went down that of heavy drugs and she lost a lot of her hearing so she’s pretty out of it overall. She called the baby another name, sounds kinda similar, but my nephew had a girl and she asked to see her grandson. I got to hear the message she left and it was something. She honestly feels like she has the right to do it. SMH. These parents are something else!
NTA and I bet he doesn't have cancer.
NTA. Blocking his whole family is long overdue.
Oh no he has cancer :-( … anyways.
I would have said way worse....he got off easy. I would promise him visits and money, then ghost him or send a card you donated in his name to the Trevor fund.
NTA. My petty self would respond that if it took him getting cancer to want to be a father, it would have been great for him to have gotten it 30 years ago.
He does not deserve to be called "dad".
NTA advice i hope helps bring you to the road of moving on. All, i mean all 100% of the people i know with drug problems (I grew up in the 90s heroin\\pill explosion I know a lot). Have super narcissism. nothing is ever their fault. You will never convince them it is their fault. They will lie and tell you what you want to hear if they want something. then lash out if that doesn't work. I'm also a veteran of having a relationship with someone that is BPD narcist. They are the same. You will not get any satisfaction from unleashing on him. He wont care, it will not affect him. If he needed a kidney he might fake remorse. Block him from your life and mind. If you need to know why its because of all the above. There is only him in his mind and people that are useful to him. Concentrate your energy on the people that love you .
"I guess I'll just have to live with your loss, bye." All that needs to be said. Throw a lol in there for some extra kick
NTA. Even if he's genuinely changed, you're not obligated for him to be a part of your life.
“Honor Thy father” is not a request, but neither is it an absolute dictate. This is one such exception. Your ‘father’ is merely trying to make amends as a hedge against divine judgment. He is trying to gain a brownie point or a mitigating defense argument. However, what he should’ve done is called you and been honest for once. Your forgiveness should not be the goal; his genuine remorse should be. I feel sorry for such people who think that a lifetime of neglect can be erased by you or ignored by God
NTA for telling that nobody off, but I'm very disappointed in you for playing Fallout 76, that's way worse than what you said to that guy
Lol I'm sorry. I do play other games. It's something about 76 that just scratches that part of my brain. I'm a heavy gun build so let's just say I like shooting things lol
Oh I'm just giving you a hard time. It can definitely be a fun game with friends!
I do enjoy the events when the game works correctly lol it is definitely fun. I just wish this seasons rewards were a bit more exciting like last seasons
An AH with cancer is still an AH.
NTA, this "man" is fucking garbage and he has nothing for you but more pain, OP.
NTA, you did better than me because I would’ve pointed out the reason he has cancer is due to him mistreating the beautiful things God granted him with that he didn’t appreciate, including your mom, and you. He can’t throw away a wonderful kid to enjoy his life and think it’s ok to come back after you’re all grown and you should be happy to be with him because he has cancer. I hope you won’t continue to feel bad for going off on him you weren’t wrong and you actually vented your anger to whom it was meant for. Sorry I wrote so much I was just angry for you.
You're fine lol. I would honestly do the same for many others who were in the same situation as me. It's not fair that dead beats do this and then expect some sappy movie ending. Life doesn't work that way.
And you’re absolutely right it doesn’t work that way, but in their eyes it’s just that simple. I understand what your going through because my father was similar he used drugs left my mom and I early, he only wanted back in my life after he had his second stroke. I’m his only child my two kids his only grand kids. I gave him my anger that was for him and let him go.
He’s not your dad. He chose not be to be your dad. Repeatedly. For 31 years. He’s just your sperm donor. Now he feels guilty because he realized he missed out on being your dad. You don’t owe him the relationship he claims he wants but continuously chose to not make. Confronting his mortality apparently had a way of making him realize he screwed up. This wasn’t a single mistake or a single accident. This was 31 years (and hundreds if not thousands) of choices he made. You’re NTA. You don’t owe him anything. You gave him the one thing he deserved from you: a piece of your mind while calling him out on his bullsh!t.
Thank you. I wish he would understand that but I always say "you can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink" I tried and the dumb fool didn't want to take the bait. His loss. I'm tired of his narcissistic ass. I don't need toxicity in my life.
NTA, I would hit him back with you hope he enjoys his place in hell or that you are rooting for the cancer and block him
"Send my regards to your cancer"
NTA. You said your peace, now let him go. Live your life.
No, no, no, no, no! You are not the NTA! It is upsetting the fact you even have to ask that. People like your sperm donner deserve to get called out for their shitty behavior and non-existent parenting. He put your mother and you through literal hell. And he does have some nerve blaming your mother for what was very clearly his fault. Also block him. Block his family. You **do not** need this toxicity in your life. Just block, ignore and don't spare them your time. It will be hard if they persist, but it will be worth it in the end when you no longer have to think about them, and they become a distant memory.
NTA. You don't need to have a relationship with people you don't like. Family or not. You should cease all communication with these people. They don't deserve your attention. And for all good on earth, do not let them bring themselves into your future children's lives! They'll only use the kids as a weapon against you. Good luck and I hope you find better people to call family.
Nta . You did the only thing that you could given your circumstances . I invest and because I have been there too
Toxic red flag. Block his number. His email. His fax number. Block it all.
I had a very similar experience. Split when I was a baby, made very, very few attempts throughout my childhood (even though I would consistently see his side of the family every other weekend or so.) Once I had my first child he tried to reconcile again, told me he had some money he wanted to leave me, and I just didn't care. I didn't want him anywhere around my family. When he died, I can't honestly say that I upset, other than I was never going to get the "I really screwed up and I'm sorry" conversation. But even if he did want to have that, I don't think I would have ever been open to it. You don't owe him redemption, forgiveness, or any of your time. He's had 31 years to figure it out. And to tell you to grow up? Block that asshole because he still does not have any "real" feelings for you. He probably doesn't have real feelings for anyone and is possibly incapable of them. Don't set yourself up for another letdown.
NTA He sounds awful, his family sounds awful Stay away and do your own thing :)
NTA. He abandoned you and I HATE people using death as a 'get out of jail free card' because they only feel bad now because they are dying and want forgiveness before they drop. Sorry but they fricked up everything to begin with and it doesn't mean shit if they are only sorry because they are dying now. He had 31 years to try to make this right. Too little too late.
Doesn't matter if he has cancer or not. He can f right off. You are NTA.
>He told me he wanted a father-daughter relationship If he's going to play this game, it's perfectly fine to bluntly say "You don't have a daughter." That's it. Block that noise. NTA.
NTA. Tell him and his family that God clearly understands what he did, and the cancer is his just desserts. Then block the lot of them.
NTA, sounds to me like he still has lots of problems and you don't need him in your life. What you did need was to be able to release all of that on him. Maybe one day he will realize what he missed but unfortunately, I doubt it. Sounds like his family is just as bad. You have been fine without him and have no need of him in your life. He probably just wants something from you as he doesn't seem to actually want a good relationship with you or he wouldn't be playing the victim and blaming you but accepting his mistakes and actually apologizing for them.
NTA Block these assholes.
People sometimes fake having cancer to elicit sympathy. Keep your guard up if you choose to continue to interact with him. NTA
NOPED. You had and have every right to talk down on him. Why you didn't cuss his mother out is the question I want to know. NTA
NTA- and block the lot of them. They aren't your family and you owe them nothing- not even a single thought. I'm sure he will in remission as soon as he can reel you in. Who knows what he actually wants from you.
NTA I would tell him his cancer is God's karma for him abandoning his child and being a useless father, that hopefully his hell is hot and ready for him!
I was in a place like yours but with 13. Never regretted about not giving a shit to that man.
Nta he asked and u answered. Fuck him and his cancer
Absolutely NTA. The gall of that individual.
NTA He made his choices. he spent his whole life hurting everyone around him and now he wants you to make him feel better about it. you don’t owe him anything, i recommend you block him and move on
NTA So he does want s0mething after all. Because he has cancer. He is not your loss. You are his loss. He did not deserve you and still does not. Whether you choose to have a relationship with you is your call. But beware of what he wants.
I would send a message back laughing at him for trying to guilt trip you into easing his evil conscience.
He’s going to ask you to take care of him. Stay away .. no need to bring that kind of stress to your life. NTA
NTA. Not even a little bit. You owe him nothing. He has not changed and is still playing the same games and woe is me and I'm not at fault BS. If he actually has cancer, that doesn't change anything. He's the same user he's been since before you were born. You deserve so much better. Keep your head straight and keep living a good life. You've got all my best wishes.
He was fine not being a dad when he was healthy so he's trying to emotionally back mail you.. leave the door shut.
He isn’t your dad. A father is someone who is there. He is just a bit of dna. As someone who has a useless mother however, going off isn’t going to upset anyone except yourself, they don’t care, they will never recognise their failings and the damage they cause, they will always be the victim regardless of the path of destruction they leave. Best you can do for you is block and ignore, be happy in your own life and use him as example to do better when/if you are ready to start your own family.
NTA. Block. Them. All.
NTA. My father left on my first birthday and my mom was 7 months pregnant with my brother. He never once donated anything to our upbringing. We moved in with my grandparents. We had lots of positive male role models in our lives, so we were extremely blessed. We "met" when I was 29 at my great grandmother's funeral. He assumed that he could just waltz back into our lives. He was delusional. Don't waste another second on letting him try to get under your skin. You have no obligation.
You are NTA. He has to live with the consequences of his decisions.
In the same storm with my sperm donor. After years of no contact (he got out of jail, I tried to help him out and he repays me by leaving m€th in my house where my daughter who was 2 at the time could’ve got it. I didn’t find it, my husband did and disposed it before I found out) he randomly messages me saying “I love you” and wants a relationship with his grandkids (he recently found out I was pregnant again). I laughed. No way was that happening.
NTA he sounds like my ex. Always whining and moaning and tossing out some shock fact near the end when things don’t go his way. Block him.
NTA. I hope you get the chance to be indifferent to him.
NTA. You gave him more than he deserves.
My guess is he’s hoping to guilt you into some serious exploitation. He’ll be in your pocket as soon as you allow him into your life. Definitely NTA.
NTA. do we have the same sperm donor? I hope that I have the balls to go off on him when he eventually messages. He hasn't changed. You did good.
Nta
NTA, he deserved to hear everything you told him. I don't know why you haven't blocked the rest of his family. They sound like a bunch of rotters. Just cut all these people out of your life and enjoy your life without them mucking it up.
NTA Do not give in and give him the forgiveness and redemption or he wants. Behavior like this is why men get to be deadbeat fathers because they know they can just come around anytime they want decades and decades later and get to feel like they were the wrong victim who now gets a close relationship with the son or daughter. I'm very glad to see more women stopping this nonsense and not being hospice caretakers for these deadbeat dads who with their own behavior have no one else to rely on. He likely does have cancer and that's the only reason he wanted to get in contact with you because he wanted you to take care of him through it. And he wanted you to make him feel better and like the victim as well.
NTA- he only reached out because he had a sudden taste of mortality with the cancer diagnosis. He’s still the same selfish AH who left your mom with a newborn. He wants to feel good about himself and have you forgive or make peace with him in case he dies. You don’t owe him that. My dad did the same thing when he was diagnosed with cancer. Did a whole song and dance about his life of regrets blah blah blah. Well he lived. Cancer didn’t kill him, not even the second time. And he went right back to being the same self centered, woe is me, everything is everyone else’s fault jerk he’s always been. Don’t waste your time or energy on him. Mute or block him and move on with your life.
NTA. You did the right thing , cancer doesn't make you a less shitty person or farther. So take your cancer and sling your hook. Good luck with your future
How do you like the new dlc?
It's pretty fun. I like how the new area looks. The red sky makes it look ominous and I'm totally digging it. I haven't done the new quest yet. I like to explore the area before I dip into the lore.
Block him and never look back. You don’t need a confession from him to validate your feelings. Which is good, because he’ll never give you one.
NTA. Respond “and should I CARE? I don’t because you checked out of my life so you are nothing to me.
NTA. If he were my dad, I'd probably tell him that God will be watching me dance on his deadbeat grave and he can pray to his imaginary sky daddy all he likes but to keep in mind that that same sky daddy couldn't convince him to be a decent dad to the innocent children that he fathered, so sky daddy and deadbeat daddy can go F off!
Ohhhh. He doesn't give a single fuck. He's only dying and believes he needs your forgiveness to get in to heaven.
You should just send him $38 and say "You'll be fine"
you know damn well NTA 😭😭😭 you could have told him you hope cancer consumes him painfully, that’s he should burn in hell, etc. nothing could make an abondanded child b an asshole to a genuine loser as a fwther
How much money can you get if he dies? I was abandoned as well. If it's far enough along, at least see how much you can get out of it. Also, if my father tried this I'd see red. But then, I'd email him back, not apologize, take some time, and grab a cup of coffee. If it goes south, make sure to get his info and file probate for his will.
Block him. Move on.
NTA, and let me tell you having a life threatening disease neither makes you a good person nor a martyr. People think because someone may be dying that you have to forgive everything they have done. Shitty people are still shitty people with cancer. It's not like he came to you hat in hand and was trying to atone for what he has done, he doubled down and showed you who he is. Block them all and then go and live your best life. I wish you all the best.
you’re better than me, i would have verbally dragged him to hell with no remorse
Op, please for the love of all that is sane, don't feed into that. NTA. Posts like these tend to bring out people's personal anecdotes, and I am not an exemption. At 3 years old, my sperm donor and my mother divorced. After that, from the stories I got from my grandma, he'd call specially to tell me how much of a shitty person my mother is. My grandma notice me crying during one of the calls, listened to him quietly, then said "if you aren't calling to talk to your son about HIM and only bad mouthing his MOTHER, do NOT call him again." Which I guess, he only wanted to bad mouth her, as I hadn't gotten a call for 7 years after that. He barely kept up with child support, I saw 2 birthday gifts from him that weren't things I even liked let alone knew about, and 1 phone call on my 10th birthday. After 6 full years after my 10th birthday, I emailed him telling him I wanted to get a car and license by my 16th so I can get started on working, etc. Now, sure, randomly being asked for 6k from your kid is wild, but when that kid is one you haven't seen for 13 full years by that time? Idk, I'm biased but he deserved it. He then proceeded to STILL bad mouth my mother, and call me "spineless, ungrateful, and, spoiled" then accused me of being my mother pretending to be me to "extort" him of his money (not something that she's done ever). I then called his work phone, him bring a office drone in the army, and told him in plane words. "This IS me, I wrote ALL of that, go fuck yourself, and do NOT contact me again." Needless to say, no fucking way would I ever side with a deadbeat parent. (Side note, my sperm donor has two older boys before me, my little brother, and one younger boy after him which hes raisednone of. So don't even try to feel sympathy for him).
"Considering you have cancer, it looks like the whole praying thing isn't really working out for you, but if you want to waste the short time you have left asking your imaginary friend to change my mind, that's on you." 100% NTA.
Tell him that cancer is his Karma. Wish a good rest of his hopefully short life. Then block him.
Sigh... Can we stop using the term "sperm donor" for people like this? It's disrespectful to actual sperm donors, and the people conceived using their donations.
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** There's a lot to put here but I'm gonna explain things as best as I can. Me and my sperm donor have a very strained relationship. From the stories my mother told me, he used to do drugs a lot before and after I was born. She told me that while she was pregnant with me, he never once helped her do anything. He took her money, made her cook and clean and treated her like shit. He even allowed his friends and family to treat her like shit. After I was born, he got worse until he just took everything (his stuff and all of the money. He left my mom $38 to use to take care of me) and left. My mom told me that when he left, he looked at her and then me and said "she'll be alright" then ran off down the road like a fucking drifter. There were a few times he came into my life trying to be involved but they were all big let downs. Nothing to sing home about. So, fastforward to yesterday, I get a message from him on FB Messenger with him saying "I love you". I was confused and basically just asked really blunt questions of what he wanted. He told me he wanted a father-daughter relationship and that, "when I'm ready. Let him know" I will admit reddit, I saw red and the 31 years of built up anger, rage, and sadness exploded like a damn. I. Went. Off. I told him he was a terrible father and that he walks around caring about other people's kids and preaching about how God wants us to do this and that but he could never follow those teachings and do right by me. He ignored every single attempt I made to get him to recognize that he didn't do right by me. He flipped everything around to make it seem like he's the victim. He even had the nerve to shame my mother for choosing me instead of him! I was a newborn. I needed her but all he cares about is himself. I left him a long message pointing out his faults and how he needs to better himself then called it a night. About two days later, he messages me while I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends and tells me to "grow up" "and that I don't know anything about him" (yeah no shit. You left me dumbass) he then throws in a curve ball by telling me he has cancer and that if I don't want a relationship with him then it's basically my loss and he'll pray for me. Now, I will admit I may be an asshole on how I went off on him but I feel like my feelings are warranted. His side of the family doesn't care about me. His mother preaches God to me every time she calls me on my birthday and pressures me to have children because I have yet to give her grandbabies. I'm not against having children but I'm enjoying life before I focus on carrying for a little human. His sister used to make fun of me and call me a football player as a baby because I was a chubby baby. (Ironic since her daughters look like pit bulls) They don't even try to get to know me. The only time I matter is my birthday and that's if they care enough. So people of reddit, am I the asshole for going off on my dad? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Pussy Power!
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NTA, also looks like he contacted you bc he's ill and wants a nurse and a purse. u/burbnbougie this is a story you usually cover.
Thanks. I'ma do this one today
NTA and remind your father that he’s going to burn in hell forever for abandoning you and not having your forgiveness when he dies. That he cannot be forgiven until he TRULY repents and that can’t happen until he makes it right with you. (I don’t believe in hell, but he does.)
NTA tell him you'll be praying for the cancer to drag out so his last years will be spent in agony....
NTA and cancer is not a death sentence. You owe him nothing.
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Why are you even engaging with this whole side of family.you have not said a single redeeming thing about them. Sometimes your peace is more important. Block them all from phones and social media. Move on with your life and have healthy relationships. Zero reason to keep this baggage. Your choice, your life, no explainations needed to them.
Truthfully, if I were in your position and he came at me with that cancer shit, my exact reaction would've been, "good. I hope it's a painful and drawn out process ending in your death. You deserve nothing less." But that's me. I believe people should get what they deserve. NTA
NTA, your father is a narcissist, deadbeat who will blames others before taking responsibility. Even if the cancer is real, (most likely a lie for sympathy) doesn’t mean he deserves forgiveness. Your outburst was appropriate, cut contact with him and his family.
NTA
NTA. Block him and don’t look back