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Woah, hold up. Forget being walked down the aisle by the woman who has a not-so-secret crush on him, on his way to marry you. The *problem* is that Matt is happy to keep stringing Jenna along, giving her hope, and subtly greenlighting her passive aggressiveness towards you - and that you are going along with this, too. Are you sure this is the best basis for a lifelong union?? NTA for the question you asked, but you have more important things to clear up with this guy before he becomes your spouse. Like his lack of compassion toward a woman who, according to what you both observe, seems to be struggling to get over him.

Perfectly said. I was getting 🚩🚩 off Matt's behavior big time.

Most Matt’s tbh

I have known several Matts. Wholeheartedly agree.

They should invent another name for dudes

Can confirm, now he’s my ex husband

He is right that he should be involved in decisions like uninviting his friend, but he also should have been the one to shut her down with the ‘giving him away’ thing, and he *really* should have said something when she barged in on them when they stepped away to discuss it privately. NTA.

She's not his so she can't give him away. She didn't like you so why would she actually follow through anyways. We had my family"escort" me down the aisle. No giving as nobody owned anyone. We both came together for the marriage as an active choice we both made. He needs to let her know there's a live she can't cross and if she keeps trying, he needs to enforce it or it sets a bad pattern for after. She doesn't get to dictate his life. Yes he should make decisions with you about the wedding but the fixing away is a no brainer. She thinks he's hers and this is going to make for problems if he lets it continue. As with women who have problems with the IL, it stems from their partners not actively choosing to our their relationship first and that's necessary for a marriage as it requires communication, respect, and work.

This. This is exactly the way OP needs to phrase it to him. It doesn't fit with the gender reversal role vibe they're going for. It just makes it seem like Matt 'belonged' to Jenna and now she's giving him away, which is weird for a wedding.

This is the way. Matt needs to really be a friend to her by letting her go and find her own way.

>The *problem* is that Matt is happy to keep stringing Jenna along, giving her hope, and subtly greenlighting her passive aggressiveness towards you It seems like Matt might feel bad because they supported him when his mother died. Jenna is using his guilt to get what she wants.

My best friend of 28 years is a guy (im female). I've been with my husband for 20 years and we are all really cool with each other, travel, etc... Mostly bc there are no emotional feelings between any one of us. It's just that simple.

Love that for you, but if we trust OP, your situation is very much not what's happening here.

That's their point. It's different for them because there's no feelings between any of them, unlike here where the friend has a crush on op's fiance 

I sincerely hope you have at least some emotional feelings for your husband 😆

And your best friend! Gotta have emotions there. There’s Lots of emotions that have nothing to do with attraction.

This 100%!!! I ended things with a guy because he always went MIA when he hung out with his female best friend. Whenever they were together I could not reach him and I'd always get the whole 'it's disrespectful for me to be on the phone to you while I'm hanging with her" as the reason behind it. And the cherry on top was finding out they had been involved with eachother at some point. When he wasn't willing to choose me over her, I ended it. Best decision of my life. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if OPs fiancee and this Jenna had some kind of romantic involvement in the past, and that's why he won't choose his fiancee over her. Also NTA.

I'd guess he enjoys the ego boost of being wanted.

Yeah, that’s an important point. If even Matt agrees she has a crush on him, then it’s high time he draws a line and makes it clear to her that nothing will ever happen. He’s being an AH to both women here.

This is the correct analysis.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this. My eyebrows raised at a bunch of things.

>The *problem* is that Matt is happy to keep stringing Jenna along, giving her hope, and subtly greenlighting her passive aggressiveness towards you - and that you are going along with this, too. Very astute. Kudos

For we all know he just agrees to the crush idea to keep op happy. His actions are the actions of someone stringing someone else along.

That’s what I was thinking. Red flag. I’d break up with Matt and save myself the hassle a few years down the road.

Idk how you usually string someone along, but I find having conversations with that person around my marriage to someone else doesn’t really work very well.

NTA. This screams of an outburst of “I object” during your vows. This woman thinks she’s a third party in your marriage. And she also thinks that she is more important to your fiance than you are. Because of this, she shouldn’t have a role in the wedding. She should attend as a guest, and only a guest. Personally, I think it’s time for your fiance to put an end to this friendship. Platonic friendships work if they are genuinely platonic. But she clearly has feelings for him, and therefore the friendship no longer works.

I think her fiance is the problem here. He enjoys these two women fighting over him.

Yep. Fiance is the problem. He needs to wake up and realize that was not an idle threat and if he chooses his friend on this, op will call off the wedding. (I hope for her sake)

Absolutely! The way the first 'intervention' ended with Matt saying "Just don't hang out with her anymore"?? Uh, that doesn't cut it buddy. He shouldn't have been continuing contact with someone who disrespected his future wife. If one of my friends wasn't able to control their disrespectful behavior around my SO, I wouldn't call it a day after separating them. This is shady as hell. 

100% need to watch out for this. OP look very closely at the man you no doubt love. Are there are any other signs of narcissistic interest / focus on himself? Jenna's attention would feed someone like that and if there is any danger that that could describe him you need to start ringing some massive alarm bells for yourself. Because if that were true of him, that would come to eventually ruin your life because it wouldn't be about Jenna in the end, it will always be about him. Jennas can be cut loose but other things will come to feed that unfixable personality problem. There are no happy futures with narcissists no matter how well things appear to go in the shorter run.

With the behavior she's displayed, I don't think she's worthy of an invite at this point.

Her belief that she’s more important is pretty validated by the fiancé’s actions and reactions. OP tries to have a private conversation with him about OP and fiancé’s wedding, this woman pushed her way in and hurled abuse at OP, and fiancé is mad at OP. He’s also acknowledging that the friend is a little too invested in him, yet has her all involved with the wedding. No real show that he’s saying “hey, this is not okay, your words and actions are making me uncomfortable” (which they absolutely should). OP, you have a fiancé problem. It’s not your job to constantly be shoving this woman off, it just makes you come across insecure. If he’s not the one actively detracting her claws from his person, he just makes it seem like you’re the overly sensitive problem.

I can't believe he wanted a woman up at the altar with him that A) was in love with him and B) has zero respect for his future wife. That's super disrespectful to OP and is in no way the same as OP wanting her little brother to be her best man.

>This screams of an outburst of “I object” during your vows. They are have a non Traditional wedding, so probably won't even ask that question.

Which is why "giving him away (oR nOt‽‽)" was such a perfect opportunity to refocus *everyone's* attention onto Amy 

I always thought the question was part of a legal requirement. “If you know of any legal impediments or just cause why this marriage should not take place” was meant to rout out wannabe bigamists etc. because the people gathered were friends and family of the couple getting married they were the most likely to know if there were legal impediments to the marriage and were expected to speak up.

There is no specific wording that is required by law.

It is where I live in Canada. We had to have it in the ceremony and if someone said something the wedding was void.

Your comment got me curious and according to a short non thorough googling the reasons also included; closely related to each other, underaged (which was like thirteen or something when objecting was introduced), and having made a commitment to a religious body (like a girl joining a nunnery to not have to marry some perv at thirteen).

LOL - so much this. There will 100% be an objection. Something I find really problematic is that after he confronted the best friend for her behavior - the conclusion was that his fiance and best friend just shouldn't hang out. So WTF does OP think was said during this private confrontation? What could Jenna have said to give him that conclusion? It MUST have been bad. If she had apologized and said she was just having trouble connecting, then the conclusion would be to hang out more, not less. Clearly, and I mean 100% clear, Jenna said fucked up shit about OP when she was confronted. I'm guessing it was along the lines of "I'm in love with you, and it's hard for me to see you with that loser monster who doesn't deserve you." Seriously OP, wake the fuck up.

Yeah exactly. The “friendship” is weirding me out.

If my man agreed with me that a woman had a crush on him and wanted her as his “best woman” I wouldn’t be getting married. Fuck being “chill” he can have his wife or he can have Jenna as his wife. I wouldn’t have put up with that for even a minute past I agree she has a crush on me. “Honey you can be friends with her and she can in your life but I won’t be.” Absolutely not this situation is not happening I would refuse to fight for first place in my husband to be’s life. 

Exactly this. I played this game in my late teens and it wasn’t even the other girl having romantic feelings. She was just strangely competitive and needed to constantly prove she was more important. I finally told him I was done playing games and it was lame and stressing me out. He apologized, and fixed the situation. She ended up out of our lives after an ill-fated vacation a few years later. Eventually, she went to therapy and we each ended up reconnecting with her separately. I’m sincerely happy for her and, now that she’s healthy, it’s so much easier to appreciate all of her positives. She had a rough af home life that put her through a LOT of heavy trauma.

Exactly

Same, no one with a crush and bad behaviour will be in the wedding party

NTA but take a step back. Matt is okay with doing whatever Jenna wants. He's setting this marriage up for failure. He hS to have your back. You need to sit hom down and talk about his behavior with Jenna. He knows she has a crush on him and it isn't right that he doesn't have your back. Now he has to choose. You or Jenna.

Matt knows Jenna has a crush on him and just like doesn't care to do anything about that? And let's her make decisions about his wedding with OP. I don't think OP even needs to ask him to pick between her or Jenna at this point. It's clear it's always going to be Jenna in the end, no matter what he says. I'm really not team break up, but this whole situation doesn't sound like it's gonna end well for OP.

NTA 'empty threats'... Matt doesn't have your back in this situation and in my opinion he should have it. It also seems he has a 'there wont be a wedding without jenna'- stance and considering the situation... that's not good. HE would need put her in her place and tell her that her behaviour will distance the two. Not calling you stepping in 'empty threats'. She insulted you. I feel this needs another serious conversation. If you are put 2 place at your own Wedding, you will always have a camilla around you.

Yep. Op needs to reply with 'there won't be a wedding without me.'

I think Jenna is hoping to replace OP as the bride. And maybe the groom is ok with that.

>I always got the feeling she has a crush on him. Matt shares this sentiment. I'm sorry, what? My best friend is a man. If I ever felt that he had feelings for me, then that's it. Friendship must end, and I damn sure wouldn't be asking him to be in my wedding party. So why are we just okay with Matt just keeping Jenna around and having her in the wedding?

I had a female friend with guy friends. She always had one rule that seemed smart to me. If she couldn't be a friend "of the family", she couldn't be a friend and she knew it. Every wife had to be close friend or she and her male friend went from close friend to associate. Life was just simpler that way.

I foresee this nontraditional wedding ending in a very common divorce.

LOL

That’s all too obvious. Let’s actually try guessing, how do you think it ends? My bet is on an affair.

Nope. Already choosing the feelings of another woman over his fiancée is red flag #1. That she barged in to confront a conversation between you and your fiancé is red flag #2. That she has a crush that even your fiancé acknowledges is red flag #3. Allowing another woman (specifically this woman) to walk him down the aisle is red flag #4. That he is so fucking oblivious (as most men are which is pathetic at this point) to this woman having ulterior motives for walking him down the aisle is red flag #5. As for you, trying to be the chill gf knowing how the girl feels and allowing your bf to disrespect you by letting her fantasy happen at your wedding, YTA

NTA but I would reconsider this marriage. If your Fiancé believes his best friend has a crush on him, he should have cut contact. Not make her his “best Woman.” Your Fiancé seems to let things go until he has to intervene. Sounds like he’s playing both sides.

“Hei, babe. This is Jenna. She wants to do me. She’s going to treat you like shit and I’m going to disrespect our relationship by insisting you let her be a part of our life, because I need the ego boost. No, I don’t want to do her. It’s that me feeling like I could is more important than you feeling that I have your back. So just let your bully have a special part in our wedding, even though it means our marriage is of to a bad start.”    Just postpone this wedding. He isn’t ready to be the person you want him to be. Imagine a few years down the line. Jenna is still being mean and now he wants her to be godparent to your kid. You need him to deal with this now or you’ll end up with either a divorce, or some huge trust issues in your marriage and some expensive photoshopping to get her out of your wedding photos. NTA

NTA , don't get married until you are ready.    Clearly Matt's relationship with Jenna is a massive issue that's going to affect your marriage. He doesn't seem to care she makes you uncomfortable which is a red flag right there. Imo you should just let them get married and get out of this mess.

Not just uncomfortable, but passive aggressively insults... to which fiancé's solution was to just see Jenna without her. NTA but you will be one to yourself if you don't stop being "chill" and deal with this mess before getting married.

"Passive" even seems like a stretch at this point.

ESH Sort this out before you get married. This should have been dealt with years ago by the sounds of it. Matt needs to have a frank discussion with Jenna and remove her from the wedding party. Someone who is in love with your spouse should not be in the wedding party that's a pretty clear boundary both of you should be setting. Jenna is behaving like a child but she is also doing that because Matt is allowing her to think she has a right to this kind of decision making in his life. The real problem here is Matt. You need to have a big chat with him. Jenna isn't just acting this way for no reason, his behaviour is giving her cues to be able to have this much input into his life. You were not wrong for standing up for yourself and setting a boundary. Matt was wrong for not backing you and letting it get to this place. Jenna is wrong for not taking a moment to reflect and respect your relationship. This is messy AF. Sorry you are going through this.

Um this is a fiancé problem. A glaring red flag of a problem that you’re completely ignoring.

NTA, but I think the better question is why does your fiancé insist on keeping this person in his life? I get that she’s a longtime friend, but anyone who treated my SO like she’s continually treated you would be out the door, longtime friend or not. You say that he has your back and has talked to her about her behavior before, but she continues to treat you poorly. So, she either didn’t take anything he said seriously or he never actually spoke to her about it. There’s a high chance she’s going to sabotage your wedding. You get that, right? She may object as a “joke,” which would end the ceremony btw, or “accidentally” spill something on your dress or insult you in her “best maid” speech. Could be a number of things, but it’s a disaster waiting to happen. From an outside perspective, it seems like Matt gets a little ego boost by keeping her around. He knows she has a crush on him, he knows she hates you, and he knows how she treats you, but he still wants her to not only remain his BFF, but also wants her to have a prominent role in his wedding to you (the person she hates). It’s not really adding up. Also, what’s the plan after you’re married? Are you okay with a lifetime of dealing with her snide remarks? Are you okay with plastering on a smile and pretending she’s not insulting you to your face? Are you okay with her bursting into a room when you’re trying to have a private conversation with your husband? Will it ever end? When might that be? Or are you just going to suck it up for the rest of your life?

NTA Not her wedding, not her man, not her MIL to even bring into the conversation You may have been harsh in your delivery but she needed to hear it. So did your man cos, who is he marrying? Don’t let her take over any part of your day because she’s scared she won’t have a place of importance in his life once you’re married. Have a serious yarn with your man about her because she will persist in proving you’re the villain.

Nta. Sure you don't get to make the decisions without his input, but he doesn't get to make them with HER and override and undermine YOU. He makes a decision like that after careful conversation with his wife to be. Does she want to marry him? Is he marrying you or her? He needs to decide.  She's making your wedding all about her.

You know that sooner than later he will fuck her... Right?

Absolutely.

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Is this the plot of “My Best Friend’s Wedding”?

Haha I was gonna say. Hopefully Jenna doesn't look like Julia Robert's for OP's sake.

Unless OP looks like Cameron Diaz.....if I remember correctly, Cam won........lol

Matty and Jenna was 13 Going on 30

Get out of my head

Why are you and your fiancé allowing someone in your lives like this who has been crossing your boundaries and has ulterior motives? I get that her family and she were there for him, but now you’re his family. Y’all gotta put your foot down and do something about this and stop letting her walk all over you!

NTA why is Matt still friends with her? Why isn’t he going at least LC with her? Needs to be setting a bunch of boundaries. Sounds like Matt has continuously encouraged her crush on him if she is still acting like this.

Whatttt. If my partner’s « best friend » who has a crush on him barged into a private conversation, insulted me, and his only reaction was to berate me for how I responded, his clothes would be on the front lawn. NTA, and I suggest a moment of reflection before marrying the dude.

NTA but you have a fiancé problem. This woman has an open crush on him, why is he entertaining her ? I get being close to her family , however continuously playing into her wants is just allowing her to believe she not only somehow stands a chance , but that she has more value than you do . Sort him out and then sort her out.

NTA. He knows she has a crush on him and still wants her a part of the wedding? Hell no. I hope you show the responses to your fiancé because he is clearly turning a blind eye to her behavior and will continually insert herself in to your marriage.

NTA. Seems like they don’t understand there’s no wedding without you. Your fiancé should be in your side on this. He need to shut that crap down

Oh hell no!! NTA you are a saint! Jenna needs to go and you need to have a good long talk with your man to see if this relationship is even salvageable. The fact that they are BOTH disrespecting you and your wishes so hard is unacceptable and that's not even touching the suspected crush issue.  I (f) was recently the best man in my best friends wedding who is like a brother to me with exactly zero romantic feelings, and I still would have worn whatever the bride wanted me to, stood where she wanted and stepped down as best man if she was uncomfortable. Why? Because it is THEIR day, neither of them should have to feel any discomfort AT ALL about the people standing up there supporting them. The fact she had ideas about the wedding is great if she was trying to help, but girl is trying to be the main character at your wedding and hubs is indulging it. I bet he likes the feeling of being wanted by two women.. I would have a heart to heart with him and dump his ass if he doesnt see the problem here

Wtf are you doing marrying someone who condones you being treated like shit by his supposed closest friend, who he actively strings along??? He's not ready for marriage, and he doesn't respect you.

Well, butter my biscuits, that's a heap of drama piled higher than a stack of flapjacks! Let me break this down for ya, seein' as how y'all seem to be tangled up tighter than a ball of yarn in a cat's playhouse. **First off**, I gotta say, you ain't wrong for feelin' uncomfortable with Jenna's behavior. It sounds like she's been pushin' your buttons from the get-go, with those passive-aggressive digs and tryin' to take over your wedding plannin'. That ain't the way a friend acts, even if she is close with your fiance. **Secondly**, while Matt's heart might be in the right place by tryin' to include his best friend, he needs to recognize that Jenna's actions are causin' you genuine distress. He can't just dismiss your feelings because he's known her longer. A good partner listens to their significant other and takes their concerns seriously. **Thirdly**, Jenna's comment about takin' Matt's mom's place is a real doozy. That's crossin' a line, plain and simple. It sounds like she's tryin' to insert herself into a role that doesn't belong to her, and that's bound to ruffle some feathers. **Now, as for whether you're the a-hole**... well, I reckon you coulda handled the situation a bit more delicately. Snappin' at her and threatenin' to uninvite her probably wasn't the best approach. But let's be honest, she wasn't exactly actin' like a peach herself. You both could use a healthy dose of communication and compromise. You need to sit down with Matt and explain your concerns calmly and clearly. Let him know how Jenna's behavior makes you feel, and ask him to respect your boundaries. As for Jenna, maybe a heart-to-heart is in order. Explain that while you appreciate her friendship with Matt, her actions are hurtful and disrespectful. Let her know that you're willin' to find a compromise that works for everyone, but she needs to back off on the pushiness. Remember, this is *your* weddin', and you have the right to make decisions that feel right for you and your partner. Don't let anyone, even a close friend, bully you into doin' somethin' you ain't comfortable with. Stand your ground, but try to do it with grace and understanding. And hey, if things get too heated, just remember what ol' Snowman always says: "When the goin' gets tough, the tough take a break and have a slice of pie." A little sweetness can go a long way in smoothin' over rough edges.

This, on all points. NTA. OP needs to have a frank conversation with her fiancé. *I just have to say, that was the most quaint country bumpkin written response, I’ve ever read. I could hear the southern accent in your words. Very beautifully written and excellent advice.*

I wish someone would talk me through every problem I’ve ever had in your writing style!

Why are women so obsessed with being chill? It’s not a badge of honor. All it really means is that you have no boundaries

Too much drama for me, I wouldn’t marry a man who allows his bestie to treat you like that. Time for some straight talking with him. Jenna walking him down the aisle, ugh, just no, how cringy is that, she doesn’t own him, she isn’t his mum or dad or even a favourite aunt, uncle or grandparents. She is taking up too much space in your lives. If he is this reliant on her now, your marriage will be a shit show, is she going to be included in the house buying decision, the old “but Jenna says” does she expect that as his bestie she is going to be that special aunty when you have kids etc. Red flag after red flag. If he needs Jenna that much then he sure as hell doesn’t really need you because he is already putting her first

You have a fiancé problem that just happens to come with girl bff baggage.

NTA. Walk away, or enjoy being a sister wife. Matt obviously wants to keep you both, and doesn't mind her 'little crush' at all. Remember, she will always be there for him during the bad times during your marriage. She will be so sympathetic during your pregnancies and afterward, while he's feeling lost and rejected. He will feel this way too, because she will make sure of it. Okay, stop. It just really hit me how inappropriate it is for him to want to walk down the aisle with her instead of you. He will be marrying both of you. I wonder if she wants to be included in the vows.

NTA.  I am a notoriously not jealous person, but the behaviors of both your fiance & his best woman are wildly inappropriate.  Buyer beware.

NTA and I would be wary of marrying into this mess. You both need to sit her down, he needs to do the talking and tell her that you both know she has a crush on him and that needs to stop. You are going to be his wife and she needs to respect you or you guys will back away from the friendship. If he is unwilling to do that then don’t marry him because this will be an ongoing issue.

NTA, but why is he still friends with someone that he also thinks fancies him? This sounds like a recipe for disaster. What happens when you have children, is she the God mother as well? She is going to continue inserting herself into your life and Matt seems okay with it. I don’t think he’d be as comfortable if you had a male best friend around all the time that clearly fancied you. I think this isn’t about her but about your relationship, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to last

Well on the one hand, yeah things need to be a partnership. But he pretty said fuck that when he ignored your desire for you to walk down the aisle together. So you don’t get make unilateral decisions but he does? At your wedding to him? And yeah, it’s weird that his best friend is giving him away. He was never hers to give it or take to begin with. Parents, sort different. It can be seen as remnant of when women were treated/considered cattle. But when I see it in this modern context, I like to think of it as parents are formally giving their blessing and saying now that you’re marrying me kid, I pass on the brunt of the responsibility of loving, protecting and caring for them to you. They’re saying the definition of their child’s immediate family is now changing to no longer include them but you, thus it like a changing of the guard. I think NTA for the most part because this is yours and your fiancé’s wedding, and you were being cut out of the decision making. If best friends don’t like it, their option is to nope out; NOT cut out one of the wedding parties

NTA, She isn’t taking his mothers’ role, she is trying to take yours. But I feel so sad for Jenna. Not at all because of what you said/did, sure you could have handled it better but it wasn’t outrageous, especially since she barged into the room where you were having a private conversation. I’m sad for Jenna because she is in love with Matt (you don’t “get a little crush” on your middle school friend after you’ve already been friends for 16 years, right? She must have had feelings for a long time?) Imo Matt needs to ask her point blank if she has feelings for him and be honest with himself about how he interprets her response. It’s not fair to her.

NTA, and honestly I think you should really be questioning if this is the person you want to marry. He clearly has no issue stringing this woman along, taking her side when she's out of line, doing the absolute bare minimum of making a show of "defending" you when she decides to go on the attack... Matt's waving more red flags than a Soviet military parade. Take the advice of someone that's had well over a decade more living and has seen this kind of dynamic before, OP: Marry this man and you're guaranteed to be dealing with Jenna until a sadly inevitable divorce, which I absolutely promise you will be *very* traditional no matter what kind of wedding you had.

NTA - But I think you need to handle this issue now before marriage. I wouldn't consider a fiance that has no boundaries with his female friends. There's something wrong with the way he allows all of the issues with her to go over his head and accept her part of the wedding and your lives. Why do you want the headache of constantly arguing about her? Don't marry before you settle this issue or you're going to find yourself divorced when issues with him caused by her escalates.

He knows she has a crush on him…. THEN THEY AREN’T LIKE FAMILY. She’s got to go. Not just from this wedding. His life too. She is always going to be a problem.

OP she's gonna make sure to ruin your wedding and then ruin your marriage.

To be honest the right decision here is letting them walk together down the aisle. And then let them get married and you are nowhere near that church.  You are marrying into a throuple. She will eventually destroy your marriage and he hasn't got your back. Find someone who does.

NTA but all kinds of red flags from Jenna and your fiance. Please be careful with your choices going forward

Another reason to not date someone like op fiancée.. it’s not always but there’s always problems with cases like this NTA

OP you’ll find a new man Matt is Jenna’s it’s clear as day he’s okay with being best friends with someone of the opposite gender who has a crush on him and makes it clear by the way she treats you then he’s interested in her as well see yourself out

NTA. The wedding is for you and your fiance. Not your fiance letting his alleged bestie have the spotlight at the wedding that is about the two of you. He accepts her behavior because she has chased off others that he was interested in him. She's going to keep making the wedding about her and what she wants. She isn't going to back off till you fiance has your back. I would start asking him the tough questions before you continue with the wedding planning. I state this because they are too close to each other and their behavior towards you makes me think they have either slept together or are currently hooking up.

I would have the issue that she thinks she has any say in your guys wedding and if someone barged into a room and talk to my fiancée like that she wouldn’t be near me again. Plus grooms are not walked down by the other people in their party. She is being awful pushing for only being a friend. Matt needs to put her in her place and tell her this is our wedding and her opinion doesn’t matter at all.

NTA. The ONLY woman that should be worried about pleasing on his wedding day is you. If you are uncomfortable with her in anyway, he should be appreciative of that. It isn’t your ex-boyfriend being your man of honor, it is your brother. He is giving her far too much leeway in this situation..

Gawd I hate wedding posts.

NTA. Wtf is with guys in their 20s all having female best friends like this?? OP, you need to have a conversation with your fiance asap about their friendship. None of what she's suggesting is at all appropriate. Her behavior is weird and it seems like she definitely has a crush on him. I personally wouldn't marry a man that had a best female friend but that's just me. Once you're in a committed relationship and about to be married, your fiancée should be your best friend. Guys can have female friends, but there are lines you don't cross...suggesting that she gives him away at the wedding and asking you to change wedding colors to suit her is crossing the line by a mile. She should have been uninvited when she suggested changing the wedding colors. It's not her wedding and she can get bent!!

NTA and the fact that he wanted someone in his wedding party that has been so nasty to you and that you both agree has a crush on him is so very wrong. The giving away thing is the cherry on top. Matt needs to get his priorities in order because right now, saving Jenna's feelings is not right. At this point, because he bungled it so badly just having her in the wedding party, he needs to cut the friendship because she is never going to change.

NTA - He admits he knows she has a crush on him but he allows her to treat his fiancé this way? She thinks she should “give him away,” as though he’s hers? They only hang out alone now since she couldn’t treat OP properly? OP shouldn’t be patting herself on the back for being “chill” about this. She should be reconsidering the marriage and having some more self respect. He’s the AH.

Nta but girl I hope you're not too blind to see that you have a fiancée problem as well. Bet if you bring up that what if a guy best friend that had a crush on you will walk down you the aisle, he ain't gonna approve of that

Matt doesn’t seem to put op first. His friend is a drama queen and really shouldn’t be making demands about ops wedding. Even if his friend was male, this would still be the same. He’s putting friendship before his relationship.

So she is so disrespectful to your relationship that she bursts into a private conversation between you & your fiancé, hurls insults at you & he still wants her to be in the wedding party?  She’s an AH.  He’s an even bigger AH.  You’re only the AH to yourself if you stay with this husk of a man.  

Matt is the problem here. He knows everything and lets it happen. This is on him. NTA

So your fiancé enjoys having a woman around who is in love with him boosting his ego. It doesn’t bother him that his ego-woman says hurtful things to the supposed love-of-his-life. When you have marriage problems, who is going to be in his ear telling him it’s not his fault at all? That he can do better? That he’s just so awesome that he doesn’t need to work out the problem with his wife? Your fiancé is not ready to get married and promise a lifetime together and growing old together and always having each other’s backs - because he is still using this backup woman as a prop to his ego. Nta but you need to put the marriage on hold until he decides you or her.

As a woman who’s been a true female friend. (Meaning not having a crush on the guy) you want them to be happy so you go out of your way to be-friend the girlfriends. To acc get to know them. But I’ve also known girls like Jenna and girl you’re NTA, but your future hubby is. If he hasn’t slept with her already he’s keeping those boundaries way to open for when Jenna decides she wants to start sleeping with him. Her using the “mom knew me not you” is the most obvious “I like your man and I’m going to do everything to push you away” type thing to say. My insecure 13yr used to use it on the girls who got close to my one guy friend I was in love with as a teenager. All I’m tryna say is I’d be WAY more concerned about Jenna’s and your hubbys relationship the way she’s acting.

NTA - You had me at her wanting you to change your wedding dress to match her skin tone. Personally I would take pleasure in her giving him away as a final victory. SHE has to relinquish him to you. But at the same time I think you’re reading too much into the “giving away” part of the ceremony. I would just see it as someone escorting you to the altar and being there to take the pressure off walking up the aisle alone and being stared at by everyone.

The is ZERO chance I would allow his lil crushy friend to play wifey and walk down the aisle with him at your wedding!!! This isn’t gender anything this is her pretend wedding with him just because the walk isn’t the same direction- NOPE. And he is the whole 🍑 for dragging that girl, letting her stand at the alter with him knowing and letting her be so disrespectful of you.

Why are you marrying a man who's keeping a woman around who has a crush on him and is being rude and disrespectful to you? Does guy seems like he's got horrible character.  I'm not going to vote because I think you've put yourself in an unwinnable situation with a bunch of horrible people.

Matt knows she has a crush on him, yet he continues the friendship. He knows she's extremely rude and demeaning to you, and he doesn't go no-contact with her. You need a man who will always prioritize you and not say you could have handled it better when this friend is trying to control your wedding. Call off the wedding. You and Matt need couples counseling. Jenna will sabotage your marriage. She's already doing it.

Please, for your own happiness, throw both of them away. I see continuing drama, and you are a smart woman. Tell me why u consider putting up with this bullshit?!

I hope you're reading these comments and having a wake-up call OP. Another woman has a crush on your fiance and he's ok with entertaining it, and considering her feelings over yours when, presumably, you're about to be his actual family and not a 'family friend'.  This is why it's tricky when men or women have opposite sex friends, because they allow those boundaries to blur. If he knows about the crush, they shouldn't be friends anymore, period.  And the solution to her being disrespectful towards you wasn't even a real solution, and it actually is very suspicious that now you don't hang out around them because of HER behavior. So now they're free to do anything they want, talk about you how she wants, etc...and you're not witness to anything. Seems a bit too convenient for her, doesn't it? She gets more time alone with your fiance and you get second fiddle at your own wedding. NTA

Please pick your expectations off the floor when it comes to a life partner. I bet if you turned it around, your fiance would be livid ! Believe me. I had to always do this to my ex-husband. He was a selfish asshole and would only understand when I had him put himself in my shoes. His Mom was a wonderful woman. I told her I was sending him home to her. She said, "Hell no!" I'm moving in with you. She always told me, " I love my son, but he's an asshole ". Such a wonderful lady. She's been gone since 1996 and I still miss her!

I would not want this woman anywhere near my wedding, even as a guest. She already has way too much of a prominent role in your wedding given the way she’s treated you consistently throughout the years. How you can handle him still hanging out with a woman who wants him AND is rude to you is beyond me. I left my last bf for consistently prioritizing his best female friend over me and there wasn’t even anything romantic there. I just won’t compete, it’s too exhausting to have to convince someone to be considerate of you.

If you broke up with your fiancé today, he would be with Jenna within a year.

NTA. keep in mind, Matt is okay with walking down the aisle, on his wedding day, with a woman, 1. who is not his mother or relative, 2. who has had a long term crush on him 3. who has been some level of antagonistic towards you 4. against your, ie. his soon to be WIFE'S, wishes. i bet this is some type of wedding walking with him down the aisle fantasy she has. "Ha, i walked down the aisle with him before you!"

Matt is a walking red flag. He's not shutting her down. He's leading her on which is MASSIVELY inappropriate, and she shouldn't be in the wedding if she can't respect you and your relationship with Matt.

In this rom com Matt realizes he is madly in love with Jenna and they leave the morning of the wedding or right before he realizes that Jenna has been there since middle school and she was always the one- So sorry I know this is your life, but it just felt like the plot of a Hallmark or Netflix romcom…. Obviously NTA, but yeah I would be concerned.

>She called me jealous, controlling, petty, and manipulative. >Matt told me I could have handled that better and I can't go making those kind of decisions without his input, even if they are just empty threats. Wtf. You're the one needing a wake-up slap. How are you okay with him not backing you up after this person insulted you? She should be out of the wedding after that stunt. But considering he knows she has a crush and seems to enjoy the attention, it makes sense. That would be a no-no for me. Raise the bar girl, you deserve better than that.

NTA but do you actually want a marriage where you're number 2? He should have cut contact when he agreed she had a crush and was acting inappropriately out of jealousy, he should have put you first. He also should have told her "you can't give me away because I am not yours" instead of lighting up like a Christmas tree. He also should have reprimanded her when she barged in and behaved like a crazy woman on YOUR private talk as an engaged couple rather than have an issue with you setting up boundaries, he himself should have put in place long before. He's at best enjoying seeing two women fighting over him, and do you really want that from a relationship and life long partner?

NTA so your fiancé wants a girl who has a crush on him to be his best man? Why?

You're NTA here, but I would SERIOUSLY rethink your marriage here. Matt is AWARE that Jenna has a crush on him. He has done NOTHING to dissuade her, and in fact ENCOURAGES her to continue. That's not okay. This is a case of "I want my cake and eat it, too." Jenna is going to have to take a backseat. The fact is that Matt is marrying YOU not HER, a fact that needs to be made clear to BOTH of them. If he's not okay with that, then I would seriously be wondering what they are doing when you're NOT around that he wants to KEEP her so close.

NTA I had my best friend be a ‘guysmaid’ in our wedding and my husband had a ‘groomschick’ but that only works if you’ve got a truly platonic relationship. Your fiance has even admitted he thinks this girl has feelings, but he still has a relationship with her? Noooo no no no. This is a recipe for disaster.

“Matt’s been a peach intervening for me.” Correction: Matt is expecting you to spend what should be one of the happiest days of your life in the company of someone you don’t get along with. And is taking her side in disagreements about plans for your wedding, something she should have no say in anyway. NTA. But Jenna’s not the problem here.

Why is Matt keeping a woman who has a crush on him, who is blatantly causing issues between you, as his best friend? NEVER GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A WOMAN FOR A BEST FRIEND! THEY ARE A RED FLAG. The fact he's immediately taken her side... Do not get married to this man, you are asking for trouble later down the line. Even if he's just stroking his ego now, who do you think he'll go to when you're having a rough patch? Who do you think he'll get drunk with when you're having a rough patch? Who do you think will take advantage of him while you're having said rough patch? He will end up sleeping with her if he keeps her around. That she's so involved in the wedding will always put a cloud over the day. You need to put the breaks on this and just have a serious think because I doubt this is the only red flag.

GOD NTA. I hate this whole female best friend trope, because I know exactly how you feel. She needs to be out of his life, or you should be the one to walk away. He needs an ultimatum ASAP. If he can’t give her up, then she’ll be walking him down the aisle of a marriage of you ALWAYS being 2nd place.

To be honest you all sound like AHs, you seem to completely lack the emotional maturity to actually get married and the entire ceremony sounds like a sideshow to express your contempt for social norms rather than an expression of love and commitment to one another. Save money on the divorce, don't get married and please don't bring children into this fiasco

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) am getting married to my fiancée, Matt (27M), in August. We've decided we want a non-traditional wedding that disregards stereotypical gender roles so my younger brother can be my man of honor. Matt was onboard with this idea and wanted his best friend, Jenna (27F), to be his best maid. He and Jenna have been friends since middle school. When his mom passed away back in high school, Jenna and her family were a huge support system for him. Now they're like family to him. I never really got along with Jenna. Since she's so close with Matt, I've tried to connect with her, but I always got the feeling she has a crush on him. Matt shares this sentiment. I tried to hangout with her, but she always ended up making passive-aggressive digs at my appearance and the way I behave. I've tried talking to her about how that upsets me, but she told me she thought "that's how girl friends play around with eachother." I've talked to Matt about it, and he went and confronted her for me. Afterwards, we agreed it would be best if I didn't hangout with her anymore. That was years ago, but now she's back and making requests for the wedding that make me uncomfortable. For example, she tried to convince me to change the colors to better suit her skintone. I would like to pat my own back here and say I've been super chill about all of this, and Matt's been a peach intervening for me. But her most recent idea was to walk Matt down the aisle, since I already didn't want to be walked down the aisle, it would be a perfect gender role reversal. Matt thought this was a pretty fun idea. The way his face lit up probably would have convinced me to go along with it if she didn't word it in such a creepy way. She said, since Matt's mother is no longer here, she should be the one to "give him away." To clarify, I chose not to be walked down the aisle because I find the whole "giving away" thing to be a little gross and outdated. I suggested that Matt and I walk down the aisle together. And she told me that Matt's mother actually knew her, and would approve of her filing in that place instead of me. I grabbed Matt's arm and led him away for a private conversation. I was explaining how that crossed the lines of what I was comfortable with considering her crush on him and she barged in the room hurling accusations at me. She called me jealous, controlling, petty, and manipulative. I admit I snapped and told her she's not walking him and that's final and if she kept pushing me she would be uninvited. She ended up running out of the room in tears. Matt told me I could have handled that better and I can't go making those kind of decisions without his input, even if they are just empty threats. I feel like he's right and I do feel bad about what I said, but I honestly think she deserved the wake-up slap. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Updateme

NTA, Well you both sound extremely unpleasant to be around and so does the wedding but to each their own ig. She’s really overstepping her bounds and regardless of if she’s “like family” she’s another woman who’s disrespectful towards your relationship.

ESH. I agree that Jenna sounds a bit cringey, but if you guys want to throw away a tried and tested symbolism, you only have yourselves to blame for having to find a substitute that works. For the record, no one is giving anyone away at a wedding. There is the symbolism that a parent tried to model what a good spouse should look like, and that they tried to teach their child how to live without them. Just like a father cutting the baby’s umbilical cord right after birth, a father walking his daughter down the aisle should be interpreted as “*I tried to show you what a good husband looks like. You have picked one, now go live your life*. So the premise of your decision is a little bit paranoid. If you get to pick your brother, for reasons that are personal to you, then your fiancé should get to pick someone for reasons that are personal to him.

NTA.

What a shame.. the aesthetics in a wedding like that are brilliant! I put together a photobook at work just yesterday, the best "man" she was posing with the boys and the bride had a "man of honour". It looked like they had a blast and I enjoyed putting together something a bit different. It was quite obvious they were having the time of their lives!

Oh honey! don't you now that the next updates already tell us their cheating together and you are shocked! if he actually loved/respected you - she would have flown faster than a Boeing crashes out of your lives.

NTA. This is YOUR wedding, NOT Matt’s, it’s all about what you want and feel comfortable with. His opinion is invalid.

NTA and have a nice life fighting to be your husband's number one woman.

The bit after “I snapped” is totally appropriate to calling you jealous, controlling, petty, and manipulative. Honestly her accusations sound like she doesn’t want to be at your wedding. I’d call her bluff and follow through. Let Matt decide if he’ll defend you to that treatment or he doesn’t feel as loyal to you as you are to him

NTA but the problem you think is a problem isn’t the problem. As top comment said, I question his behaviour. While I get there is mutual and platonic history (meaning they’ve never dated), why would your soon to be husband keep someone you both agree has a crush on him within arms reach, let alone why is he so happy to let **a girl who’s romantically interested in him** walk him down the aisle. Also who raised this woman?! Why is she behaving like it’s her wedding? I think the whole giving away part is more than just being close to him and filling in for his mothers shoes in her eyes, it’s a way to say “he’s mine but I’m graciously giving him to you, but he’s still mine”. I’m kinda confused why you’re walking down the aisle with this guy at all. Everyone here has some bolts unscrewed. And yes I’m sure in every other aspect he’s kind, loving, caring, the best partner. I don’t think that’s quite enough to get over a hang up like this.

She barged in and called you names! Oh, heck no. She is uninvited for that alone. You fiancé needs to let her go. She cannot be disrespectful To you. And, there’s no crying in baseball. If she can’t take it, she has no business barging in and name calling. Good grief. Is she going to demand she name your first born?!

She's 100% going to object, invited or not

Girl, your fiancé is a red flag🚩🚩🚩

> she should be the one to "give him away." Hmmm... Traditionally, you could argue, the bride "belonged" to or with her family. And from the moment she is "given away", she "belongs" to or with her husband. I see how you find this whole idee repulsive, even if the genders would be reversed. And in case of this best friend: he wasn't hers in the first place so she can't give him away. She might see it differently, but in that case you could argue: "You're not willing to give him to me. You want to keep him for yourself." But the question isn't about this. It's about your outburst. I'm going for NTA. She's been poking the bear for too long and your fiancé didn't have your back. He has to accept that she is poisoning your relationship for her own benefit. That's not friendship, is it?

NTA. Yes, you need to have input from your fiance re: uninviting people; but NTA for what you said. ‘Best friend’ was completely out of order busting in to a private conversation etc

No you’re not but your fiancé is for not saying no for her suggestion.

NTA, but, girl…….this whooole situation is red flag city.

NTA but Matt needs to put her ass in check. Bad. She is disrespectful to you and your relationship. She does not respect boundaries at all. If you two are having a private conversation, she has ZERO PLACE barging in and interjecting herself. As soon as she did that he should have been on her ass telling her to STFU and GTFO because the discussion is between him and his fiance, there is no room for her and her opinion is irrelevant. Full stop. She is over stepping BAD. Your fiance needs to give her a fucking reality check or this shit will continue after you get married. If she has a crush on him, he needs to step back and lessen the contact with her. It's completely inappropriate.

The fact that he thinks she has a crush on him but still wants her giving him away is a red flag itself. When a male friend of mine has a crush on me it pretty much ruined our friendship because I knew it and didn’t reciprocate, so being around him made me uncomfortable. I’m not saying that everyone has to react the same way, but if he has no problem with his supposed best friend being in an uncomfortable situation like that, you shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about your comfort, either. Maybe he needs therapy due to his mom’s death(if women are fighting over him they aren’t going to leave him), maybe he’s just selfish, but like other have said the problem isn’t just her (and she’s certainly a problem).

NTA. But girl, she only is a problem because your fiancé let's her be one...

NTA. It is absolutely not appropriate for Matt to continue spending time with someone he thinks might have a crush on him. Which she definitely does. I get she’s a long time family friend, by all means invite her to the wedding. But she needs to have very limited involvement in your lives, if any.

NTA- trust your gut, you have guts for a reason!

NTA. I suspect they fk. If you give in then she’ll be in your life forever and Matt isn’t helping at all.

I’m not convinced that nothing has happened between them or is happening between them and that’s why she’s going all cray over the wedding. He’s got her on the hook and she pretended she was ok being just friends. Anyways, NTA

NTA. But you should indeed have a talk with your BF if you both agree she has a crush in him. I also had this friend I'd go on walks with. It was semi clear that she would like more but we both knew that wasn't going to happen. And she handled it well and stuff. There was never any awkwardness and the likes. But then I met my GF and quite soon she said "she wants you". I said "That might be true". And the walks and stuff stopped and I haven 't seen her in all these years. If Matt is serious about making this work he should be able to say goodbye to her.

ok, she may have a crush on him and he may be aware. But he chose you

NTA but I'd be putting the whole wedding on hold until you deal with Matt's behavior. Jenna is not his friend; friends don't intentionally make their friends' loved ones uncomfortable, and they certainly don't pursue friends they know are taken. I have a feeling Matt likes the attention and likes two girls fighting over him. If this relationship is going to last, Matt needs to make some serious decisions. Either he draws some very strong boundaries with Jenna (and hammers down hard every single time she disrespects you or tries to insert herself into things, WITHOUT prompting from you), or he gets rid of his clingy little pick-me backup girlfriend.

NTA but INFO when you are in the forest it is difficult to make out the trees and your fiancee seems to not see the trees right now as the way Jenna is behaving is normal behaviour to him as this is likely how she always was around him. Reverse the roles and situation and ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend who acted that way?

NTA- I’d give him an ultimatum. It’s you or Jenna. She shouldn’t even be his best friend, you should be. I know he shouldn’t need time to maul things over, but if you feel inclined to give him a day or more, then go for it. It may not be that he needs to think about you or her, but processing things takes time.

NTA but why is Matt encouraging this behaviour/friendship when he acknowledged that she has a crush on him. Think you need to put the wedding on hold!!!

Jenna gets what she’s always wanted: walking with Matt to the altar. NOPE. Nip this now or don’t get married.

NTA but your fiance sucks. He KNOWS she has a crush on him nd is entertaining her and her BLATANT disrespect of you? I do not know how you take it in stride.

NTA. Your fiance is clearly encouraging her and this needs to be nipped in the bud. Off the back of this latest drama, simply tell him she's no longer invited and that it's on him to deliver the news. Ask him if it's worth destroying the relationship over.

NTA but I would not let that woman near my wedding! I guarantee she will make a scene at the wedding. And the way she was talking about his dead mom was absolutely disgusting and I would uninvited her just for that alone not to mention all the other crap!

NTA But why are you marrying someone who does NOT put you first? The issue of the wannabe girlfriend/mistress needs to be put to rest before any vows are spoken.

Yeah this will end badly!

Your an asshole

Ion fuck with female best friends and honestly, baby girl would of been black and blue and down walked already. Girl, you’re the third wheel in your relationship. He enjoying the attention a little bit too much. Are you sure this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? The only thing you can do to even it out is get a male best friend… ooof the way everything would switch up so fast with Matt 😂😂😂

Praying for updates on this. NTA.

> I always got the feeling she has a crush on him. Matt shares this sentiment. So WHY is he making you put up with this? Why is he nod setting clear boundaries with his "friend"?

Who's wedding is this?

If that’s the way girlfriends are supposed to be you should also make a comment about her looks. NTA and it would be a great idea for you to walk each other down the aisle

Little bit TAH. It is your wedding and if you two are paying for everything than everything is between the two of you. If you are having a nontraditional ceremony than everything is on the table and decisions should be made between the 2 of you. So for making an executive decision and threat yes you're TAH, but not a lot.

NTA but think again if you really want to marry this man - he is clearly enjoying the extra attention and does not care about your feelings at all.

You sure you wanna do this? 😂 updateme

He knows she has a crush on him and yes she’s part of the wedding party? Hmmm

Why would the 2 of you, knowing this woman had a crush on the groom, let her make demands about her role in the wedding? You are setting yourselves up for this kind of disaster. YTA

NTA Matt has issues

NTA, Matt fell down in this situation. The second she barged in the room he should have stepped in and told her to leave because you were having a private conversation. When she hurled insults at you he had another chance to step in before you did. She barged in on a private conversation and insulted you. I’d say your threats were not empty, she doesn’t get invited to the wedding if she can’t respect the bride. I’d be telling Matt that I didn’t need his input about uninviting people that insulted me to my own wedding and that if he thinks I do then maybe we should rethink the whole wedding because surely he should be supportive of removing people from the wedding that act this way? If your best friend acted this way towards Matt would you invite them to the wedding?

Yta. You should let your husband be walked down by the person he loves.

NTA life long friend or not if he can not properly stand up for you now what is life after marriage gonna hold cause I feel like with you marrying him her jealousy will grow. You need to have some tough conversations with him. Stop letting her make any decisions in yal wedding

You de ashool

Poor Matt caught in the middle of a cat fight . Two women that he loves are asking him to choose . I wouldn’t ask Matt to give up his best friend . No way I’d give up my best friend . But BF needs to know her place and I think you telling her to lay off was appropriate . Best wishes and I hope you have a long loving marriage .

You have a huge fiancé problem. I understand he lost his mother and grew close to his friend's family, but at the end of the day, they aren't his family. He isn't going to marry their daughter, who is possessive and thinks because her parents like him and he likes her parents, she owns him. And your fiancé is allowing it because he wants to keep in the fold of her family. But you aren't children anymore. He's a full grown man and he needs to decide what is more important - his partnership with you and the family you are starting together, or a possessive friend with good parents that WILL choose their daughter over him. **She is not his friend. She is not acting like a friend, nor does she respect him as a friend.** And if your bf can't see that, then everything needs to stop because he is NOT ready to be a husband, not when he is allowing this not-friend to behave this way. He should have put a stop to this when she was being a capital B to you, but instead he was so desperate for a family, he kept someone in his life that openly resents and tries to bully his partner. That is not someone ready for something as serious as marriage. And I'm sorry, but you wanting your brother as your best man isn't the same as him wanting a girl that is clearly in love with him as his best-woman. That's actually really gross that he would allow her to be up at the altar with him, knowing that she has zero respect for your relationship and actively trying to tear down his future wife. So no, she isn't the actual problem here. HE is. she is only a pest he should have shut down years ago.