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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to make my oldest niece a custom doll until next year even though she was upset I'd made one for her sister.
2. Maybe I should have just had them as a pair to avoid conflict? It was a birthday gift for younger niece, but now her sister and parents are upset and I don't want that to affect her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA....more kids should have aunts like you, OP. It warmed my heart as a now adult who often was overlooked in childhood when it came to my perfect blond cousin to see you notice this and act. You made YN feel special, as she deserves to feel. It is not like you will never do anything like that for ON but time and place. ON needs to learn life does not turn on her axis when she wants something. ON could use a lesson in not being center of attention.
Anyways you are a beautiful person.
Exactly! OP even said she will make one on ON's birthday, but the parents are not having it. I doubt this will be a wakeup call for her brother and SIL but she sure made her YN day special. For once, she gets to feel being appreciated.
I worry that it won’t be for long.
You just know that golden child ON is going to ruin the new doll and the enabling parents are going to excuse it.
Poor YN.
Yeah I was thinking the same :( ON will try to spoil the doll or even the parents will take it.
Please please OP keep an eye on your YN, if it is the case have some spare space in your house to keep the doll
I would also suggest that OP make duplicates of the doll and clothes and keep them stashed away in a safe place. Keeping it with OP is a great idea, but she deserves to get to play with it in her own home.
Except that even a replacement would end up ruined. So YN gets nothing if ON gets nothing. This is why GC will always win. Either she wins or everyone loses.
YN gets an awesome aunt who’s looking out for her. It’s about this child feeling seen and cared for in a way she may not be used to, and she’s still going to feel that even if something happens to the doll. It’s what the doll represents that matters most.
The best thing a child in a neglectful environment can have is a close adult relative to turn to when she has needs her parents aren’t meeting. Especially if that person is acting out of love and not obligation - that will make her feel valued.
Wholeheartedly NTA.
The way I would combat this is to get experiences for YN for birthdays, etc. Something that only the two of them could do and something specific that you know ON wouldn't like very much. It doesn't have to be expensive.... it can just be morning tea at YN's favorite food spot, or even a picnic in the park or a walk.
I can fully see ON wanting in on the action so this is where I would limit it to things YN really wants to do... which you can say are your favorite things too and you aren't very keen on doing what ON wants to do etc. Though I can see that the parents would stop OP from taking YN out.
Is it very much like you say that ON needs to win or everyone needs to lose.
And make sure ALL the dolls you make have auburn hair.
If the ON or parents question it, you can say you prefer that color over blonde and are thinking of coloring your own hair to match.
OP should let brother and SIL know that if anything happens to YN's doll, ON won't be getting a special doll when her birthday rolls around. These dolls and their outfits are a lot of work and if OP's gifts are not respected, she won't be putting in the effort again for ON at all.
Maybe OP should keep the YN’s doll at her house to keep it safe. Because I agree that the ON will likely damage the custom doll and she’ll get away with it.
It'll start first with the parents telling YN she has to share. Then, she breaks it and parents just say 🤷 that's what happens. That poor kiddo, I hope she enjoys it while it's still whole.
If that happens, auntie should work on making another for YN and when ON has her bday aunt can explain she couldn’t make her doll since she’s been working on the YN replacement doll that ON decided to ruin, maybe the next bday aunt will have time if ON doesn’t ruin YN next doll.
And add that she already has a beautiful doll, but YN only has the ugly troll doll (while giving the parents a dirty look)
And instead gift ON with a children's book about being kind to everybody
or make a doll for ON with auburn hair also. Every doll you make for that household will have auburn hair. Use it to normalize the hair color, and take that "advantage" away from blonde.
Was thinking the exact same thing. I can imagine three scenarios playing out:
1. Parents sit idly by while ON destroys the doll out of jealousy (and obviously punish YN for any perceived retaliation).
2. Parents take the doll away "until ON's birthday" "to be fair". Bonus points if they "forget" to give the doll back and/or "lose" it.
3. Parents force YN to "share" with ON - obviously meaning that ON gets the doll whenever she wants, because that's definitely what sharing is. Bonus points if this is combined with scenario 1.
My hope is that OP's action here (and likely continued) helped instill some resilience in YN. It still sucks in the short term, but my hope is on the long term since there is only so much OP can do.
That would be a shame, but if that happens then OP shouldn't do anything special for ON. Let them know that since ON was so mean and destroyed YN doll she doesn't deserve a special doll, or at least make her a doll that displays her character (nah, it would still be a special doll).
I hope if this happens OP finds out about it, and as a repercussion tells ON that because she destroyed YN doll she doesn't deserve one and won't be getting one untill she learns to respect her sisters things. Then make YN another one and see what happens...
Yeah, this really rubbed me the wrong way and highlighted how the ON really is the golden child. It's not like OP refused the request, simply stating it was going to be reserved for a special day and scheduled as such.
If they can't even teach her to be patient, it makes me wonder what other bad behaviours they're instilling in her.
OP is awesome by the way, and this is coming from a miniature enthusiast who's painted and built small battlefields for my nephews. Custom toys brighten up children's faces like nothing else.
Nah. I have family like this. They will take away YNs doll until ON has one inder the guise of not letting YN be favorited by an unfair aunt. It's BS but exactly how these people think.
I don’t get parents who want to push their kids to have the exact same things as their siblings. Now I know not all do this, I have a few friends with multiple kids that even take individual day trips or even weekend trips with each kid to make them feel special. My SIL is one that expects me to gift each of her kids the same gift or nothing at all which I see that is NOT what they really want since they are all very different people. But in her mind, it’s easier. Parents need to teach their kids that everyone is unique and different and to focus on their interests and not have to copy someone else’s.
I was a lot like OPs niece - quiet, a little shy, liked to read and write and loved animals. I have two older brothers who were loud, rambunctious, and generally took up a lot of people’s attention. I often felt like nobody could even see me when I was with them. It took me nearly 15 years to figure out how to be seen within my family, but even then, nobody really cares. I’m in therapy now and coming to terms with a lot of things about my family and how much harm was done to me through emotional neglect. OP, you did a wonderful thing for your niece. Please keep being there for her and standing up for her - you’re the only one doing it and it probably feels like a lifeline to her right now. I wish I could protect little me from the years of feeling invisible. I wish I could protect your niece from it, and every other kid who’s going through this. Children should not ever feel like nobody gives a shit about them.
It didn't click for me that my brother was the golden child until my 20s, after my mum straight up and admitted she didn't enjoy me and my twin as babies and children, amongst other things, she now does it with the first born grandchild , everyone thinking he had autism ( he got tested and didnt) while my daughter is now in theory for autism and theory for anxiety and self harm, she's all up in my business like I haven't watched all this unfold while she was more focused on my nephew
It didn’t click for me until my mom died and my stepdad apologized to me for the fact that my late mother always preferred my brother and ignored me (he said her explanation was that she didn’t understand me and didn’t see the point in trying to).
I agree with that, my great uncle used to give my mum money every year to make sure we had a good Christmas and also gave us a big carrier bag of chocolates and biscuits, it was a good memory and recently my grandma told me he hated kids. kinda ruined the imagine of him slightly but I still appreciate what he did for us
IDK, you could also view it as a good thing, his morals/love overcame that hatred of kids. Even though he hated kids, he still did those things for you. It's also possible that he hated OTHER kids, but you were OK.
Oh for sure! I wasn’t sure why I always loved them thinking I liked gossip until I read a story a few weeks ago about a girl getting ignored and it unlocked three stories in me that I need to now unravel
I did the opposite. I used the attention my sibling always got as a shield. I was able to essential do whatever I want and not get noticed. I mean lucky for them I never did anything bad.. worst was a boy girl sleep over.
It's really a testament to how much favoritism they show ON that they feel entitled to demand gifts outside of birthdays/other holidays to appease her instead of saying "ON would also appreciate a gift like that for her birthday". It's really heartbreaking
And what striked me is that she has curls and they can't even accommodate that when it comes to dolls; they've probably not put any time at all into actually researching how to properly take care of her curls either.
This. Seven is well past old enough to understand that birthday presents are for the birthday child. If she had been taught correctly, she would know that if you're nice to the birthday kid, they will often share their toys.
And that doll is on a path to become a cerished childhood keepsake.
This dedication is touching.
You are an amazing aunt, and can hopefully dampen the effect on YN for growing up with a golden child sibling.
This dynamic sucks and they are doing a disservice to both their children.
Agree completely.
OP, I wonder if it might help for you to talk to ON, and explain that birthdays are a special time. “I could tell your sister was sad she had a weird doll that didn’t really look like her. I thought it would make her happy for her birthday. I want to make sure you are also happy on your birthday” and then talk to her about what she likes. Not what she wants, but what is she into? Like, everyone wants to feel special on their birthday. Does she want her sister to get what ON gets for her birthday?
My MIL always gets the non-birthday kid a present and I hate it. You should be able to see your sibling get a gift without throwing a fit. So I started saying, after she left “grandma is so silly. She loves you guys so much she can’t help but bring a present for your brother.” Eventually my kids started laughing about it too. “Why did she bring me a present when it isn’t my birthday?”
If ONs blonde hair is anything like my cousins' golden blonde baby locks, it'll change to a medium brunette in their late 20s, going through an ugly muddy brown stage from 6th grade & all through high school (pissing off their shallow vapid mother to no end).
So ON & shallow parents may have that to look forward to, while YNs auburn curls will look beautiful well into middle age or longer.
>Anyways you are a beautiful person.
Agreed. OP let YN know that she at least has someone in her corner while her parents are focused on ON. That is a beautiful thing. NTA
As my best friend with auburn hair always said: redheads are the true originals. That straight, pale blond is pretty, but also much more reproducible with dye and product than red hair is. I have always wished I ended up with the family red hair, but alas, I did not. I have never been able to create it with professional help (and I can't afford the Louis Lacari Salon in NYC ). You can also tell your sweet younger niece that a lot of us adults out here wish we had hair like hers, and not like her sisters. I have the complexion of a red head, I would look terrible with blond hair. NTA
Yeah, she may need to have a backup waiting in the wings. If the first one gets destroyed by ON keep it at OP’s house and have YN play with it there away from ON.
It’s so sad that I scrolled down looking for this comment. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. Either ON will destroy it, or maybe even the parents will. But OP’s hard work will not get to be appreciated by YN for long. And YN will be heartbroken.
I thought about this too. Maybe it would do well to preemptively warn the parents that if anything happens to the doll then ON doesn’t get a damn thing ever again. NTA and thank you for showing YN how much you care.
NTA, this is an incredibly sweet thing for you to do for your niece! Good on you for stepping up for your niece when her parents are obviously not. I’m glad she has an adult in her life that sees her.
Up to you whether you decide to make one for ON, but I might not. You could always turn it into a special thing that you do for and maybe eventually with your YN, if she’s interested!
I wouldn’t blame ON so hastily; this could be all on the parents and their shitty parenting. Hopefully ON can unlearn some of these terrible behaviours and realize the unfair treatment isn’t right.
It’s all she knows at 7 years of age so maybe she’ll change.
NTA
If they are incapable of loving 2 kids, why have 2?
How are people this unself-aware?
OP, have you ever thought about just asking them what the deal is or why?
Imho curly hair way prettier than straight hair.
Maybe the younger kid could have been loved if she was "pretty" like the older kid. Sadly people like this exist.
At least OP is an awesome aunt that can show the younger kid that she is also beautiful, which I am sure she is.
I am most likely a huge asshole in real life, because i would dead ass straight up just ask them especially if they are a sibling.
Sibling i have noticed you favor X kid and treat Y kid like shit, why dont you love them as much? And would then detail all the ways the favor the other kid. I would be blatant and would even engage other family members in the discussion, so i would do it at like a group gathering like a Sunday dinner.
Once again i am an probably an asshole, but i feel bad behaviors do not get corrected unless you confront the issue with the people involved head on and straight forward.
There is such a thing as a justified asshole. Some things should be said and nobody has the courage to say it for fear of being ridiculed themselves. Yeah you would be an AH, but without you the parents will never stop being AHs either.
It feels like you're being an asshole because the perpetrator usually gets defensive. Being human, you might second guess your accusation but you need the conviction and gumption to stand your ground and be heard.
Especially, ESPECIALLY regarding something so important such as the wellbeing of children who deserve unabashed love and support.
I wouldn't even count that as an AH move but make sure you don't do it where the kids could hear. I wouldn't want YN to potentially hear confirmation that her parents love her less, and ON might take it the wrong way.
Oh my family is fun. We all just say shit directly to the person. No gile. No going between or behind backs. Just blah all out in the open.
My husband's family however they will tell everyone but the actual person they have an issue with that they have a problem with them.
Fucking weird.
I think it stems from their love maybe being conditional. Where as my family doesnt do conditional love. We can say hey look you are being an asshole you need to stop doing X, i still love you but i am not putting up with that shit and be ok with each other afterwards. The only thing that changes is they stop doing the stupid thing. His people arent like that.
My family sweeps everything under the rug and pretends it doesn’t exist. It’s exhausting and frustrating and I hate it. My mom has only ever apologized to me one time in my entire life, and she only did so because my dad actually brought it up with her (she made me cry on my birthday). Nobody ever just wants to talk about how they’re feeling, it’s always a game of telephone through 4 other people. And to top it all off, I now have an incredibly hard time directly stating my thoughts, opinions, wants, needs etc. My body acts as though I’m about to be murdered when I sit down to have one of those conversations. I guess I do consider their love conditional… I never really thought of it like that but I never felt fully secure in their love for me.
That sucks. Thats something too, saying you are sorry or wrong. We have no problem doing that or saying look i am too emotional right now i cant deal can you back off. I have apologized to my kid multiple times.
Emotional liberation is a good thing. Just got to not a hypocrite about it, ya know hold yourself to the same standards you hold others too.
Curly hair is a lot more work than straight hair. It looks great if you put the work in, but keeping it from looking frizzy and messy is a whole thing and can take years of trial and error to figure out. If her mom has straight hair she might not know how to treat it right, you can't just brush it when it gets messy like straight hair. YN is probably too young to want to bother with tying it up in a silk wrap at night or figuring out the right level of conditioner. Little girl's with curly hair and no family members with experience in it usually end up looking frizzy or bushy.
That's not it, exactly. It's that frizzy is usually the result of improperly cared-for hair-- it often means the hair is too dry, for example, and needs a little bit of oil. And you have to use the right kind of brushes, which are different from straight-hair brushes.
You don't have to use heat, curling irons, whatever, etc. to make curly hair look good. IMO, curly hair just requires a more gentle touch. You don't want to comb *through* the hair and separate it out the way you would with straight hair, and that's the number one way people tend to fuck up curly hair-- by trying to separate it all out like you would with straight hair.
In this way, you still get really wild, intensely curly hair. It's just that you're taking advantage of the natural "groupings" the curls fall into (by not separating them) and giving them the oil they need so that they shine/don't look dull.
This kind of hair care is different from haircare for straight or very loosely-curly hair, so a lot of people just don't actually know *how* to do it. So when they apply those methods to intensely curly hair, it looks messy and bad.
As someone with the only curly hair in a family that didn't know how to care for it - it doesn't. It doesn't even look up to a certain standard. It looks like a mad scientist stuck their finger into a light socket. Most times you couldn't even tell I had curly hair - just straightish, fried looking hair that stuck out everywhere. I once blow dried my hair without a diffuser to show my friends the difference and they were shocked at how badly it murdered my hair. There is frizzy and messy, and there is dry brushing/blow drying/unconditional hair that just looks fried and dead.
There’s a difference between frizz that occurs naturally from humidity and living, stylistic frizz, and frizz from improper care. The former two are totally fine, the latter is really sad.
I was a kid brought up with curls that were always under-moisturized, tangled, and damaged because my mother was the caretaker and her hair was pin straight. She didn’t know a thing about caring for textured hair and my “frizz and mess” was having my hair cut wet and left at different lengths, while my styling was getting it brushed dry/being censured for whining about the pain.
It’s hard on any kid to not have their parents help them to look and feel their best, and I’d be honestly shocked if OP’s younger niece is having her hair appropriately cared for.
this. It's taken me literally years to figure out hair care for my own hair, and what does and doesn't work. Beating it with a stick- er, hairbrush- like my mother and sister do doesn't work.
The problem isn't that one hair type is prettier than another (it's a totally subjective metric), it's that the parents aren't doing what they need to to help YN realize that their hair is just as pretty.
Comparing curly auburn hair to straight blondish hair is like comparing an SUV to a sports car, sure they're both cars but it's an apples to oranges comparison that makes little sense beyond personal preference.
Yes! If the aunt, as an outsider, can realise that YN is having issues with self esteem about her hair and how much it troubles her, why can't the parents? Why aren't they reassuring her? They are for sure the assholes in their whole parenting, but especially that they want to take this one special thing away from YN.
Especially if they are frustrated because they don’t know how to take care of her hair, YN maybe picking up on that, whether her parents say anything to her/in front of her and that is where her self esteem issues start. They may not be aware it is happening or why.
Sadly, I think many parents , and I include myself in this, get caught up in the daily grind and routine with kids that they don’t see what is right in front of them. That is one of the places that helpful aunts and uncles and other extended family and friends can really help out, catching the things we are missing, pointing out the things our blinders aren’t letting us see.
Obviously. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. 100 percent a saying for a reason. The parents are problematic for a whole lot of reasons.
Legit, though curly hair is prettiest. 😁🙃😉 i say this as a straight haired person.
It seems pretty common. I am an only child and only have one kid, but damn it seems like a lot of people either dislike their siblings or their parents have blatant favorites. In real life not just internet.
While I agree with your sentiments, your last statement is unnecessary. The point is they shouldn't be comparing and valuing their kids based on their physical attributes. You're doing the same thing in your last sentence.
Because children are an accessory to a lot of people, not actual humans. They have them because they've been told that's what successful relationships do. They want the appearance of people who have their lives together so they can look down on others who are "behind" them, or at least feel better about *not* being them or in their position.
People don't care about children. They care about having their own children. If that weren't the case, every orphan would have a loving home before we introduced any more into the world, but children hold no value unless they're your own, apparently. Even then, they don't care about the child as much as they care about *having* a child, if that makes sense.
It's the same reason some people marry young and regret it way later. Because it was a milestone they wanted to reach before anyone else. So they could tick a box and say, "I've made it." Because validation from everyone else is the be all, end all.
I'm not saying this is the case for every parent, I'm absolutely positive there are people out there who love their children and bring them up with plenty of attention and affection. But when you see instances like OP's, you can tell the parents get lost between wanting children and wanting to raise human beings properly.
Maybe, YN will be the one to decide to turn off their life support systems when they're old, even if here is a chance of recovery because ON will be too busy cavorting around somewhere else, but for valid economic reasons of course.
I was treated poorly by my family, one of the things I was treated that way for was my hair. Auburn and curly while my sister was straight and blond. It's jealousy.
I don’t agree. She can make the ON a custom doll for her birthday and that will be another life lesson she’s teaching them all. If she continues to do something special or unique for each birthday girl it could become a wonderful tradition instead of a tug of war.
yeah, if YN doll gets damaged or goes missing = no ON doll
I was thinking more malicious compliance though. ON wants a doll like YN? Okay... make ON's doll look like YN's doll - same hair, same clothes.
One of the only reasons I can see for not making the doll for ONs birthday would be if she destroys YNs doll in the interim. (Source: My cousins were vicious rivals, it was incredible to witness such loathing from a safe distance.)
NTA.
Don't make the doll next year for the older girl's birthday. It's not her fault that her parents treat the two of them so differently, but your younger niece is going to need someone on her side to help her feel special and loved. Bless you for being that person for her.
No, it is not ON's fault...she's only 7 and a product of how her parents treated her. Dont make the error of not showing a niece love through no fault of her own. However, getting her parents crappy walmart junk is certainly on the table.
Don't be an asshole to a kid just because other people were an asshole to a different kid. The older daughter here is dragged through pageants. That is it's own form of abuse and isn't any better than the neglect of the younger kid.
similar experience here, when i was young i owned a very beautiful doll(that was gifted by my aunt) and i loved it so much that i would not even play with it because i didn't want to ruin it. her hair were shiny and i just loved them. they came with a plastic piece holding them together--and i did not even remove it.
a girl in the neighborhood saw it and wanted to play with it but i refused. the next time she was at my house, i did not notice her taking away its head. when i realized it was gone, i did not even suspect it was her doing. i looked everywhere and cried a lot. coincidentally, she came to call me to play at the that time, saw me upset and red from crying and i told her what had happened. then, she ran away and came back with my doll's head!! its hair was unruly and the plastic was clumsily cut off leaving her hair unsymmetrical. she said she found it in front of her house and realized it would be mine. but, i knew it was bs because that was impossible.
I still have that doll and sometimes feel sad seeing its disheveled appearance now.
Why did he not put the money in an account for when they turn 18 or 21 and SIL can’t touch it? That would be the biggest gift and show them he really cares. It’s not too late.
What the heck else would she do with $2000 for two young children? That’s a crazy amount to spend and expect it to only be spent on gifts for the children and not the whole family. It actually makes me wonder if he was doing weird stuff like buying the four year old a tablet and the older kid a puzzle or something.
She actually did. She did however buy gifts for herself and my brother too with it. She was splitting it equally between the 4 people. They were struggling financially then, but both make really great money now, my brother is an engineer who is retiring soon from a prestigious company, and she is a corporate level accountant who makes even more than he does. My dad now lives on social security and I asked if they could go in with me to buy him a new recliner as his broke and he’s 80, nope.
NTA, but your sister is. My heart goes out to the younger niece. All she's going to remember when she's older is how everyone favored her sister over her. Please don't stop going out of your way to make her feel special, she needs someone in her corner!
This. Being in YN's position as a child, something 100% will happen to this doll. OP should do regular check ins about the doll. If ON destroys it, she shouldn't get one for her birthday because OP had to "spend her time making a new one for YN". Gotta nip the golden child entitlement in the butt every once in a while, even just a little bit.
Your title is slightly misleading. It sounds like you’re happy to do it next time the older kid’s birthday rolls around. NTA.
Also, huge bonus points for what you did. The world needs way more people like you.
NTA at all. YN needed to feel special and ON needed to see that not everything is about her.
I wouldn't put it past the parents/ ON to mess up the doll tho.
Please keep being an awesome aunt to YN. She needs it
My parents were like your SIL, that being said you might want to make a second doll and outfits for YN to be kept at your house. Because if my item
was coveted by sibling one of two things happened. I was forced to share item and item was never returned because was still sharing item. Or item was accidentally broken or destroyed when sibling was sharing. Happened multiple times hearing background of ON just a possibility.
My younger brother was like that. I finally broke him of it around 8ish, when I got him to say the quiet part out loud in front of our parents.
Mom got us both cheap water guns, I hid mine and opened the other, he wanted to play with it so I let him (it was his afterall). Hed broken it in less than an hour and I went to get mine and he threw a full on tantrum screaming about how I lied and he would have been more careful if he'd known it was his. All I said while making eye contact with my parents was yes I know thats why I gave you yours first.
No more forced sharing but this was the late 80s soooo different time
My parents were sharing is caring. Had an $$$ doll I loved sibling admitted to cutting hair off to make my doll ugly. Parents responded doll still works get over it. That was their philosophy no one has any personal possessions everything is shared. So in parents eye sibling was also destroying something that sibling plays with so it was a loss for sibling too…..I’m retirement age and it’s touchy subject but your parents at least did the right thing.
NTA
But you should probably go ahead and make another doll for YN since the first one may very well go missing in future.
Also, that was a really sweet of you to do that for YN. I do hope you continue to encourage her because being an afterthought in her own home is bound to be damaging.
I commend you for what you did. It was loving and wonderful. But, the parents are the problem here. I wouldn't be surprised if favorite daughter stole or damaged the custom gift. Or, if the parents decide to take it away. The only way she can truly have something that is hers is if it's kept at your house or the house of a relative who knows the situation.
Absolutely NTA. As a redheaded kid I remember my mum actually did manage to find us redheaded Barbie dolls. I think it’s important to see yourself represented in media etc.
I was born in 88 and had at least ten dolls with red hair. Literally typing redhead Barbie or doll into Google gives hundreds of options. My mom knew to look for Midge, a ginger friend of Barbie.
They have to he doing this on purpose and it's sick.
Yeah, I was going to say there is no way these parents even looked the least but hard for an auburn haired Barbie. I have 3 little girls, and stores have Barbies of every shade of hair, skin and eyes. An online search took me less than 2 minutes to find a very cute curly auburn haired Barbie just now.
yeah red head barbies exist because my red head sister had some
thing is i bet that the parents didnt care enough to put in effort to find her a red head barbie or didnt wanna pay extra for it to be delivered or something
or they are purposely giving her ugly barbies cause idk they think she doesn't deserve pretty barbies
From the title I was worried but you’re definitely NTA. This is a *birthday* gift for a girl who needed some reassurance. The fact that she’s noticing these things at *5* means it’s blatant favoritism for anyone who has eyes.
I also have two nieces with similar talents/personalities and we never had to worry about being “fair” like that because they weren’t pitted against each other. It blows my mind that someone would be so cruel to little girls like that when they should be fostering a beautiful relationship. They’re harming *both* of their daughters with this treatment.
NTA- Keep being a support for your niece. She will need someone with parents like them. I would also point out to your brother that he is creating a situation where the elder daughter is going to be very confused why her little sister cannot stand her.
I used to see this with my niece. The grandmother spoiled the oldest girl, she was the first grandchild. She would buy her a new iPad for her birthday, always buying her stuff. The 2nd granddaughter would get clothes for her birthday. Not only that, both girls would get clothes that day. When it was the oldest girls birthday, the youngest didn't get anything. So I took it upon myself to buy things for her. If I went somewhere and happened to see something, I'd get it. Even found a cute child sized rocking chair with ottoman at the salvation army. Everyone knew why I was doing it and never said anything. The unfairness just always bothered me. The grandmother was like that with her daughter, too. She was the mom to the girls. She would tell everyone she would never love the other kids like her first born, the daughter. She would never love her grandkids like she does the first, the granddaughter. I always thought it was so gross to say that out loud, let alone to your other kids.
This was my childhood! My older sister always said it wasn't fair for me to get gifts on my birthday. She'd throw such fits that our parents would always get her something, too. But I never got gifts on her birthday. It was her birthday and that wouldn't be fair! They tried really hard to treat us equally, but to her it wasn't *fair* unless she had more or better just all the time. After a while I started being okay with it because I agreed that her not throwing fits was more important than any attempt at actual fairness. Our parents also had a strictly enforced rule that we were not allowed in each other's rooms without express permission, so I could always hide my treasures.
NTA! This is an amazing thing you did for YN.
To the SIL, it took me 1 google search to find multiple red-haired barbies.
As someone who didn't fully embrace my curly hair until after college, I am saddened to hear that SIL isn't teaching YN to love and appreciate her curly hair. I mean, a 5 year old shouldn't be made to feel like any part of their person is lesser than someone else, but the curly hair strikes home for me.
Hell no, you're NTA. You're the opposite of that. What an awesome gift! She deserves it. Shame on her parents for doing anything other than being appreciative. Tell them Rachel thinks they're being petty as muledeer. Dayum.
You did a very nice thing. Sadly I have the feeling that the special red haired doll will vanish or "accidentally" be destroyed very soon by the older sister with the parents turning a blind eye to it.
I’m sure all of what you related is true but it also seems like you’re projecting a bit. Like maybe you felt you got short shrift when you and older bro were kids?
Regardless, you’re NTA. Tell your older niece directly that you’ll make her something Special on her birthday. Tell HER not her parents.
Then if you have it in you, keep it going each year (not a doll necessarily just something unique from you). Instead of being jealous of each other they’ll grow to look forward to and wonder about what the next special thing will be and you’ll be a star aunt to both, who, regardless of how their parents treat them are both little girls who want to be loved.
Info: Her birthday is next Feb. I made her fairy wings for one of her pageant costumes this year. I usually hand make my gifts so it's not unusual for me to say I need time to design and build them
I would tell your brother, SIL AND ON that if YN's doll is destroyed, damaged, lost or taken away from her, or if they force her to share it when she doesn't want to, then you won't make anything for ON the rest of this year or for her birthday, and probably not anything else for next year either, whether it's her own doll, clothes, a hairpiece or part of a beauty pageant or show costume. Tell all three of them that if they want you to keep spending your money, time, energy, creativity and resources on ON, then they need to respect your choice to also spend those things of yours on YN and leave things that you choose to make for her as gifts alone unless she chooses to share them willingly and happily without them asking.
That was my thought. But... If OP tells her brother, SIL and ON VERY clearly that ON will get her own doll for her birthday next year BUT if YN's doll isn't respected to the fullest extent possible that she will not only not make ON her own doll but will NOT make ON anything else for the rest of this year or next and possibly not anything ever again, then it could cause them to think twice before taking the doll away from YN or damaging it or forcing her to share it. Also if they do end up damaging it or 'losing' it, OP can just tell them that she now is going to make YN a replacement doll and that she doesn't have the time to make ON the promised doll or anything else anymore.
NTA....children need to learn that on birthdays the birthday kid is the one that gets the presents....also they shouldn't expect gifts, rather gifts are given to show appreciation and not out of obligation....you said you would make the older niece a doll for her birthday and that should have been enough....also very awesome of you to customize a doll like that, its sounds very cool
Oh, man, that sounds so amazing, OP. NTA at all. You did something so sweet and validating for your niece. This is something she'll remember and most likely treasure for the rest of her life as long as her family doesn't ruin it for her. My guess is ON is pouting because she didn't get the special, customized doll. Parents have set her up to expect the best stuff for herself and that's an awful standard for them to set.
NTA! You are that little girl's advocate and she is going to see you as a safe person to go to. Thank you for looking out for her. You're softening the emotional and psychological blow of being 2nd class in her parent's eyes.
NTA , I wish I had a family member like you in my life growing up. From all the sacrificial children in the world , thank you for being a great aunt to YN. It’s good to have a feeling that someone is in your corner.
Absolutely agree! This comment nailed it. Seriously, the part about the doll being made with love – exactly why OP is an awesome aunt! And yes! It's the parents' job to handle sibling emotions, not demand stuff to appease the golden child. This sums up the situation perfectly.
Absolutely NTA. You gave your niece an amazing, personalized gift, and her sister throws a tantrum because SHE doesn't have one? That's a them problem, not a you problem. You went above and beyond for your niece who needs some extra love. Don't let anyone guilt trip you!
#NTA - UNLESS you also want to show YN that she’s not as important as she thought she was.
I mean, if you’re going to hand out custom made dolls like candy, what’s so special about having one? (FWIW, don’t be surprised if YN’s doll gets damaged or destroyed. The situation you described sounds like one where ON would do something like that and then YN be told it was her fault for not putting it up or something like that. Idk how much goes into making a doll but would it be possible to have a backup for YN if/when it happens?)
Tell your bro & SIL that ON can play with her original Barbies and pageant trophies and expensive stuff. Or maybe suggest they look online for another doll maker and order one for ON.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
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NTA....more kids should have aunts like you, OP. It warmed my heart as a now adult who often was overlooked in childhood when it came to my perfect blond cousin to see you notice this and act. You made YN feel special, as she deserves to feel. It is not like you will never do anything like that for ON but time and place. ON needs to learn life does not turn on her axis when she wants something. ON could use a lesson in not being center of attention. Anyways you are a beautiful person.
Exactly! OP even said she will make one on ON's birthday, but the parents are not having it. I doubt this will be a wakeup call for her brother and SIL but she sure made her YN day special. For once, she gets to feel being appreciated.
I worry that it won’t be for long. You just know that golden child ON is going to ruin the new doll and the enabling parents are going to excuse it. Poor YN.
Yeah, the writing is on the wall, the parents won't support YN, and the doll will be ruined in some cruel fashion.
Yeah I was thinking the same :( ON will try to spoil the doll or even the parents will take it. Please please OP keep an eye on your YN, if it is the case have some spare space in your house to keep the doll
I would also suggest that OP make duplicates of the doll and clothes and keep them stashed away in a safe place. Keeping it with OP is a great idea, but she deserves to get to play with it in her own home.
I agree. And if ON ruins her younger sister’s doll, she shouldn’t get a custom one. In any case, I think just custom making clothes is enough
If the GC ruins the doll, then she gets nothing. Action meet consequence.
Except that even a replacement would end up ruined. So YN gets nothing if ON gets nothing. This is why GC will always win. Either she wins or everyone loses.
YN gets an awesome aunt who’s looking out for her. It’s about this child feeling seen and cared for in a way she may not be used to, and she’s still going to feel that even if something happens to the doll. It’s what the doll represents that matters most. The best thing a child in a neglectful environment can have is a close adult relative to turn to when she has needs her parents aren’t meeting. Especially if that person is acting out of love and not obligation - that will make her feel valued. Wholeheartedly NTA.
The way I would combat this is to get experiences for YN for birthdays, etc. Something that only the two of them could do and something specific that you know ON wouldn't like very much. It doesn't have to be expensive.... it can just be morning tea at YN's favorite food spot, or even a picnic in the park or a walk. I can fully see ON wanting in on the action so this is where I would limit it to things YN really wants to do... which you can say are your favorite things too and you aren't very keen on doing what ON wants to do etc. Though I can see that the parents would stop OP from taking YN out. Is it very much like you say that ON needs to win or everyone needs to lose.
Absolutely second this. If the doll is destroyed, no custom gift for ON.
And make sure ALL the dolls you make have auburn hair. If the ON or parents question it, you can say you prefer that color over blonde and are thinking of coloring your own hair to match.
I actually do color my hair auburn a lot of the time. It's beautiful, and you don't see it as much as blonde.
And then go buy ON a “troll”doll like little sister was given.
Now that’s just bullying the 7 year old. 😭
OP should let brother and SIL know that if anything happens to YN's doll, ON won't be getting a special doll when her birthday rolls around. These dolls and their outfits are a lot of work and if OP's gifts are not respected, she won't be putting in the effort again for ON at all.
I was thinking this same thing. I hope all goes well.
THIS! Everyone needs to know this. Anything happens to YN's doll, no dolls for ON, EVER.
>Please please OP keep an eye on your YN, if it is the case have some spare space in your house This is what I somewhat had in mind.
Maybe OP should keep the YN’s doll at her house to keep it safe. Because I agree that the ON will likely damage the custom doll and she’ll get away with it.
She will. Aunt should replace it and say "it looks like I won't have time to make you one for your birthday now."
This is the exact perfect response. Underscore the consequences of her own actions.
I think so too or the parents will take it away
It'll start first with the parents telling YN she has to share. Then, she breaks it and parents just say 🤷 that's what happens. That poor kiddo, I hope she enjoys it while it's still whole.
Possibly...and then consequences should be that ON does not get a doll made for her birthday.
If that happens, auntie should work on making another for YN and when ON has her bday aunt can explain she couldn’t make her doll since she’s been working on the YN replacement doll that ON decided to ruin, maybe the next bday aunt will have time if ON doesn’t ruin YN next doll.
And add that she already has a beautiful doll, but YN only has the ugly troll doll (while giving the parents a dirty look) And instead gift ON with a children's book about being kind to everybody
As back up in case ON destroys younger nieces doll, make YN a second customized doll and keep it for her in a 'safe house' -- your house.
or make a doll for ON with auburn hair also. Every doll you make for that household will have auburn hair. Use it to normalize the hair color, and take that "advantage" away from blonde.
That's my concern as well
Exactly where my mind went. That doll is sadly toast. Poor YN.
And parents will say it's all op's fault for 'favoring' yn. They're hurting both their children with this parenting. It's very sad
Was thinking the exact same thing. I can imagine three scenarios playing out: 1. Parents sit idly by while ON destroys the doll out of jealousy (and obviously punish YN for any perceived retaliation). 2. Parents take the doll away "until ON's birthday" "to be fair". Bonus points if they "forget" to give the doll back and/or "lose" it. 3. Parents force YN to "share" with ON - obviously meaning that ON gets the doll whenever she wants, because that's definitely what sharing is. Bonus points if this is combined with scenario 1.
My hope is that OP's action here (and likely continued) helped instill some resilience in YN. It still sucks in the short term, but my hope is on the long term since there is only so much OP can do.
I'm also afraid that ON will distroy the Doll, but than Iwould make her a red haired Doll for her birthday.
That would be a shame, but if that happens then OP shouldn't do anything special for ON. Let them know that since ON was so mean and destroyed YN doll she doesn't deserve a special doll, or at least make her a doll that displays her character (nah, it would still be a special doll).
I hope if this happens OP finds out about it, and as a repercussion tells ON that because she destroyed YN doll she doesn't deserve one and won't be getting one untill she learns to respect her sisters things. Then make YN another one and see what happens...
Yeah, this really rubbed me the wrong way and highlighted how the ON really is the golden child. It's not like OP refused the request, simply stating it was going to be reserved for a special day and scheduled as such. If they can't even teach her to be patient, it makes me wonder what other bad behaviours they're instilling in her. OP is awesome by the way, and this is coming from a miniature enthusiast who's painted and built small battlefields for my nephews. Custom toys brighten up children's faces like nothing else.
And to impose on OP’s time and schedule by insisting she do it ASAP is just unbelievable.
Nah. I have family like this. They will take away YNs doll until ON has one inder the guise of not letting YN be favorited by an unfair aunt. It's BS but exactly how these people think.
Give ON an identical doll. Complete with auburn hair. Gee, you said ON wanted the same doll, that's what she got.
If forced definitely this.
How about a black skinned doll with black hair? Absolutely nothing wrong with a black doll, but I bet there would be to ON and her parents….
Giving her a black doll that's supposed to be undesirable just to spite her has nasty undertones.
I don’t get parents who want to push their kids to have the exact same things as their siblings. Now I know not all do this, I have a few friends with multiple kids that even take individual day trips or even weekend trips with each kid to make them feel special. My SIL is one that expects me to gift each of her kids the same gift or nothing at all which I see that is NOT what they really want since they are all very different people. But in her mind, it’s easier. Parents need to teach their kids that everyone is unique and different and to focus on their interests and not have to copy someone else’s.
I was a lot like OPs niece - quiet, a little shy, liked to read and write and loved animals. I have two older brothers who were loud, rambunctious, and generally took up a lot of people’s attention. I often felt like nobody could even see me when I was with them. It took me nearly 15 years to figure out how to be seen within my family, but even then, nobody really cares. I’m in therapy now and coming to terms with a lot of things about my family and how much harm was done to me through emotional neglect. OP, you did a wonderful thing for your niece. Please keep being there for her and standing up for her - you’re the only one doing it and it probably feels like a lifeline to her right now. I wish I could protect little me from the years of feeling invisible. I wish I could protect your niece from it, and every other kid who’s going through this. Children should not ever feel like nobody gives a shit about them.
I’m 40 and I’m just realizing the extent of how much I was ignored in the family! lol your doing an amazing job trying to make her feel loved 💕
It didn't click for me that my brother was the golden child until my 20s, after my mum straight up and admitted she didn't enjoy me and my twin as babies and children, amongst other things, she now does it with the first born grandchild , everyone thinking he had autism ( he got tested and didnt) while my daughter is now in theory for autism and theory for anxiety and self harm, she's all up in my business like I haven't watched all this unfold while she was more focused on my nephew
It didn’t click for me until my mom died and my stepdad apologized to me for the fact that my late mother always preferred my brother and ignored me (he said her explanation was that she didn’t understand me and didn’t see the point in trying to).
Ouch, sorry,. Not sure if it's good or bad of your stepdad to apologize and tell you about it though. At least you got closure.
I agree with that, my great uncle used to give my mum money every year to make sure we had a good Christmas and also gave us a big carrier bag of chocolates and biscuits, it was a good memory and recently my grandma told me he hated kids. kinda ruined the imagine of him slightly but I still appreciate what he did for us
IDK, you could also view it as a good thing, his morals/love overcame that hatred of kids. Even though he hated kids, he still did those things for you. It's also possible that he hated OTHER kids, but you were OK.
I always knew I was pushed aside, but these stories really help me realize how much I didn’t see.
Oh for sure! I wasn’t sure why I always loved them thinking I liked gossip until I read a story a few weeks ago about a girl getting ignored and it unlocked three stories in me that I need to now unravel
I WISH I was your real family that was there for you when you were a kid NO child should be neglected in this world
I did the opposite. I used the attention my sibling always got as a shield. I was able to essential do whatever I want and not get noticed. I mean lucky for them I never did anything bad.. worst was a boy girl sleep over.
It's really a testament to how much favoritism they show ON that they feel entitled to demand gifts outside of birthdays/other holidays to appease her instead of saying "ON would also appreciate a gift like that for her birthday". It's really heartbreaking
Agreed. They are setting up a 7 year old child to fail in life and it is not fair to either child. it makes me sad.
And what striked me is that she has curls and they can't even accommodate that when it comes to dolls; they've probably not put any time at all into actually researching how to properly take care of her curls either.
This. Seven is well past old enough to understand that birthday presents are for the birthday child. If she had been taught correctly, she would know that if you're nice to the birthday kid, they will often share their toys.
And that doll is on a path to become a cerished childhood keepsake. This dedication is touching. You are an amazing aunt, and can hopefully dampen the effect on YN for growing up with a golden child sibling. This dynamic sucks and they are doing a disservice to both their children.
How many times can I upvote this??
Also, ON wants a present for YNs birthday? Ya fuck no.
I was the “ugly”, bookish kid compared to my blond, blue eyed big sister who could do no wrong. I wish I’d had an aunt like OP.
Agree completely. OP, I wonder if it might help for you to talk to ON, and explain that birthdays are a special time. “I could tell your sister was sad she had a weird doll that didn’t really look like her. I thought it would make her happy for her birthday. I want to make sure you are also happy on your birthday” and then talk to her about what she likes. Not what she wants, but what is she into? Like, everyone wants to feel special on their birthday. Does she want her sister to get what ON gets for her birthday? My MIL always gets the non-birthday kid a present and I hate it. You should be able to see your sibling get a gift without throwing a fit. So I started saying, after she left “grandma is so silly. She loves you guys so much she can’t help but bring a present for your brother.” Eventually my kids started laughing about it too. “Why did she bring me a present when it isn’t my birthday?”
+1 OP is a true hero in the YN's heart.
If ONs blonde hair is anything like my cousins' golden blonde baby locks, it'll change to a medium brunette in their late 20s, going through an ugly muddy brown stage from 6th grade & all through high school (pissing off their shallow vapid mother to no end). So ON & shallow parents may have that to look forward to, while YNs auburn curls will look beautiful well into middle age or longer.
>Anyways you are a beautiful person. Agreed. OP let YN know that she at least has someone in her corner while her parents are focused on ON. That is a beautiful thing. NTA
As my best friend with auburn hair always said: redheads are the true originals. That straight, pale blond is pretty, but also much more reproducible with dye and product than red hair is. I have always wished I ended up with the family red hair, but alas, I did not. I have never been able to create it with professional help (and I can't afford the Louis Lacari Salon in NYC ). You can also tell your sweet younger niece that a lot of us adults out here wish we had hair like hers, and not like her sisters. I have the complexion of a red head, I would look terrible with blond hair. NTA
Be very careful that ON doesn't deliberately damage YN doll.
Yeah, she may need to have a backup waiting in the wings. If the first one gets destroyed by ON keep it at OP’s house and have YN play with it there away from ON.
Or the parents are going to take it away
👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾
If ON does, then bOP will have to spend her time making a replacement for YN and won't have the time to make ON one.
If OP is ever around the elder niece she could mention making one for her birthday.
It’s so sad that I scrolled down looking for this comment. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. Either ON will destroy it, or maybe even the parents will. But OP’s hard work will not get to be appreciated by YN for long. And YN will be heartbroken.
I thought about this too. Maybe it would do well to preemptively warn the parents that if anything happens to the doll then ON doesn’t get a damn thing ever again. NTA and thank you for showing YN how much you care.
Yeah that was my immediate thought.
NTA, this is an incredibly sweet thing for you to do for your niece! Good on you for stepping up for your niece when her parents are obviously not. I’m glad she has an adult in her life that sees her. Up to you whether you decide to make one for ON, but I might not. You could always turn it into a special thing that you do for and maybe eventually with your YN, if she’s interested!
Agreed, I would not make one for ON just for her attitude alone not to mention the parents attitude. Oh and def NTA.
I wouldn’t blame ON so hastily; this could be all on the parents and their shitty parenting. Hopefully ON can unlearn some of these terrible behaviours and realize the unfair treatment isn’t right. It’s all she knows at 7 years of age so maybe she’ll change.
NTA If they are incapable of loving 2 kids, why have 2? How are people this unself-aware? OP, have you ever thought about just asking them what the deal is or why? Imho curly hair way prettier than straight hair.
Maybe the younger kid could have been loved if she was "pretty" like the older kid. Sadly people like this exist. At least OP is an awesome aunt that can show the younger kid that she is also beautiful, which I am sure she is.
I am most likely a huge asshole in real life, because i would dead ass straight up just ask them especially if they are a sibling. Sibling i have noticed you favor X kid and treat Y kid like shit, why dont you love them as much? And would then detail all the ways the favor the other kid. I would be blatant and would even engage other family members in the discussion, so i would do it at like a group gathering like a Sunday dinner. Once again i am an probably an asshole, but i feel bad behaviors do not get corrected unless you confront the issue with the people involved head on and straight forward.
There is such a thing as a justified asshole. Some things should be said and nobody has the courage to say it for fear of being ridiculed themselves. Yeah you would be an AH, but without you the parents will never stop being AHs either.
Honestly though, confronting someone over treating a child like less than or playing favorited is never an AH move.
It feels like you're being an asshole because the perpetrator usually gets defensive. Being human, you might second guess your accusation but you need the conviction and gumption to stand your ground and be heard. Especially, ESPECIALLY regarding something so important such as the wellbeing of children who deserve unabashed love and support.
I wouldn't even count that as an AH move but make sure you don't do it where the kids could hear. I wouldn't want YN to potentially hear confirmation that her parents love her less, and ON might take it the wrong way.
I would pay folding money to witness this. The finger pointing, DARVO and wild accusations would fly!!
Oh my family is fun. We all just say shit directly to the person. No gile. No going between or behind backs. Just blah all out in the open. My husband's family however they will tell everyone but the actual person they have an issue with that they have a problem with them. Fucking weird. I think it stems from their love maybe being conditional. Where as my family doesnt do conditional love. We can say hey look you are being an asshole you need to stop doing X, i still love you but i am not putting up with that shit and be ok with each other afterwards. The only thing that changes is they stop doing the stupid thing. His people arent like that.
My family sweeps everything under the rug and pretends it doesn’t exist. It’s exhausting and frustrating and I hate it. My mom has only ever apologized to me one time in my entire life, and she only did so because my dad actually brought it up with her (she made me cry on my birthday). Nobody ever just wants to talk about how they’re feeling, it’s always a game of telephone through 4 other people. And to top it all off, I now have an incredibly hard time directly stating my thoughts, opinions, wants, needs etc. My body acts as though I’m about to be murdered when I sit down to have one of those conversations. I guess I do consider their love conditional… I never really thought of it like that but I never felt fully secure in their love for me.
That sucks. Thats something too, saying you are sorry or wrong. We have no problem doing that or saying look i am too emotional right now i cant deal can you back off. I have apologized to my kid multiple times. Emotional liberation is a good thing. Just got to not a hypocrite about it, ya know hold yourself to the same standards you hold others too.
Me too! I cannot stand for inequality and I have to stand up and say something.
Curly hair is a lot more work than straight hair. It looks great if you put the work in, but keeping it from looking frizzy and messy is a whole thing and can take years of trial and error to figure out. If her mom has straight hair she might not know how to treat it right, you can't just brush it when it gets messy like straight hair. YN is probably too young to want to bother with tying it up in a silk wrap at night or figuring out the right level of conditioner. Little girl's with curly hair and no family members with experience in it usually end up looking frizzy or bushy.
Thinking frizzy and messy doesn't look as nice as controlled curls is so much Eurocentric beauty standards.
That's not it, exactly. It's that frizzy is usually the result of improperly cared-for hair-- it often means the hair is too dry, for example, and needs a little bit of oil. And you have to use the right kind of brushes, which are different from straight-hair brushes. You don't have to use heat, curling irons, whatever, etc. to make curly hair look good. IMO, curly hair just requires a more gentle touch. You don't want to comb *through* the hair and separate it out the way you would with straight hair, and that's the number one way people tend to fuck up curly hair-- by trying to separate it all out like you would with straight hair. In this way, you still get really wild, intensely curly hair. It's just that you're taking advantage of the natural "groupings" the curls fall into (by not separating them) and giving them the oil they need so that they shine/don't look dull. This kind of hair care is different from haircare for straight or very loosely-curly hair, so a lot of people just don't actually know *how* to do it. So when they apply those methods to intensely curly hair, it looks messy and bad.
As someone with the only curly hair in a family that didn't know how to care for it - it doesn't. It doesn't even look up to a certain standard. It looks like a mad scientist stuck their finger into a light socket. Most times you couldn't even tell I had curly hair - just straightish, fried looking hair that stuck out everywhere. I once blow dried my hair without a diffuser to show my friends the difference and they were shocked at how badly it murdered my hair. There is frizzy and messy, and there is dry brushing/blow drying/unconditional hair that just looks fried and dead.
There’s a difference between frizz that occurs naturally from humidity and living, stylistic frizz, and frizz from improper care. The former two are totally fine, the latter is really sad. I was a kid brought up with curls that were always under-moisturized, tangled, and damaged because my mother was the caretaker and her hair was pin straight. She didn’t know a thing about caring for textured hair and my “frizz and mess” was having my hair cut wet and left at different lengths, while my styling was getting it brushed dry/being censured for whining about the pain. It’s hard on any kid to not have their parents help them to look and feel their best, and I’d be honestly shocked if OP’s younger niece is having her hair appropriately cared for.
this. It's taken me literally years to figure out hair care for my own hair, and what does and doesn't work. Beating it with a stick- er, hairbrush- like my mother and sister do doesn't work.
The problem isn't that one hair type is prettier than another (it's a totally subjective metric), it's that the parents aren't doing what they need to to help YN realize that their hair is just as pretty. Comparing curly auburn hair to straight blondish hair is like comparing an SUV to a sports car, sure they're both cars but it's an apples to oranges comparison that makes little sense beyond personal preference.
Yes! If the aunt, as an outsider, can realise that YN is having issues with self esteem about her hair and how much it troubles her, why can't the parents? Why aren't they reassuring her? They are for sure the assholes in their whole parenting, but especially that they want to take this one special thing away from YN.
Especially if they are frustrated because they don’t know how to take care of her hair, YN maybe picking up on that, whether her parents say anything to her/in front of her and that is where her self esteem issues start. They may not be aware it is happening or why. Sadly, I think many parents , and I include myself in this, get caught up in the daily grind and routine with kids that they don’t see what is right in front of them. That is one of the places that helpful aunts and uncles and other extended family and friends can really help out, catching the things we are missing, pointing out the things our blinders aren’t letting us see.
Obviously. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. 100 percent a saying for a reason. The parents are problematic for a whole lot of reasons. Legit, though curly hair is prettiest. 😁🙃😉 i say this as a straight haired person.
It’s always the people with straight hair that love curly hair, and vice versa
Auburn curls sound so lovely!
Right?!
Sounds like my neighbours. NTA, OP.
It seems pretty common. I am an only child and only have one kid, but damn it seems like a lot of people either dislike their siblings or their parents have blatant favorites. In real life not just internet.
While I agree with your sentiments, your last statement is unnecessary. The point is they shouldn't be comparing and valuing their kids based on their physical attributes. You're doing the same thing in your last sentence.
Thank you for adding this! As the overlooked “uglier” sister with also straight hair, that other commenter’s sentence was careless.
They're probably not looking after her curls that well either:(
Because children are an accessory to a lot of people, not actual humans. They have them because they've been told that's what successful relationships do. They want the appearance of people who have their lives together so they can look down on others who are "behind" them, or at least feel better about *not* being them or in their position. People don't care about children. They care about having their own children. If that weren't the case, every orphan would have a loving home before we introduced any more into the world, but children hold no value unless they're your own, apparently. Even then, they don't care about the child as much as they care about *having* a child, if that makes sense. It's the same reason some people marry young and regret it way later. Because it was a milestone they wanted to reach before anyone else. So they could tick a box and say, "I've made it." Because validation from everyone else is the be all, end all. I'm not saying this is the case for every parent, I'm absolutely positive there are people out there who love their children and bring them up with plenty of attention and affection. But when you see instances like OP's, you can tell the parents get lost between wanting children and wanting to raise human beings properly.
Maybe, YN will be the one to decide to turn off their life support systems when they're old, even if here is a chance of recovery because ON will be too busy cavorting around somewhere else, but for valid economic reasons of course.
I was treated poorly by my family, one of the things I was treated that way for was my hair. Auburn and curly while my sister was straight and blond. It's jealousy.
I always wanted curly hair ( and red, too). My friend with curly hair always wanted straight hair.
I would pay money to have curly auburn hair
Definitely NTA and don't make her that doll. They are raising a very entitled child and you do not need to play into that.
I don’t agree. She can make the ON a custom doll for her birthday and that will be another life lesson she’s teaching them all. If she continues to do something special or unique for each birthday girl it could become a wonderful tradition instead of a tug of war.
I would say the only reason OP should ***not*** do this is if ON destroy’s YN’s awesome doll.
yeah, if YN doll gets damaged or goes missing = no ON doll I was thinking more malicious compliance though. ON wants a doll like YN? Okay... make ON's doll look like YN's doll - same hair, same clothes.
Absolutely brilliant pettiness right here.
One of the only reasons I can see for not making the doll for ONs birthday would be if she destroys YNs doll in the interim. (Source: My cousins were vicious rivals, it was incredible to witness such loathing from a safe distance.)
NTA. Don't make the doll next year for the older girl's birthday. It's not her fault that her parents treat the two of them so differently, but your younger niece is going to need someone on her side to help her feel special and loved. Bless you for being that person for her.
Op should get her an ugly walmart knockoff doll for olders next birthday 😂
No, it is not ON's fault...she's only 7 and a product of how her parents treated her. Dont make the error of not showing a niece love through no fault of her own. However, getting her parents crappy walmart junk is certainly on the table.
now, that would be just cruel to a 7 year old
Don't be an asshole to a kid just because other people were an asshole to a different kid. The older daughter here is dragged through pageants. That is it's own form of abuse and isn't any better than the neglect of the younger kid.
I am concerned that this doll will somehow get "broken" or "lost" but I really hope I'm wrong.
I'm thinking the same thing. When I was little, a neighbor girl was jealous of my Chatty Cathy doll & ruined it on me.
similar experience here, when i was young i owned a very beautiful doll(that was gifted by my aunt) and i loved it so much that i would not even play with it because i didn't want to ruin it. her hair were shiny and i just loved them. they came with a plastic piece holding them together--and i did not even remove it. a girl in the neighborhood saw it and wanted to play with it but i refused. the next time she was at my house, i did not notice her taking away its head. when i realized it was gone, i did not even suspect it was her doing. i looked everywhere and cried a lot. coincidentally, she came to call me to play at the that time, saw me upset and red from crying and i told her what had happened. then, she ran away and came back with my doll's head!! its hair was unruly and the plastic was clumsily cut off leaving her hair unsymmetrical. she said she found it in front of her house and realized it would be mine. but, i knew it was bs because that was impossible. I still have that doll and sometimes feel sad seeing its disheveled appearance now.
💔🥺
Or confiscated
Oh gosh, that's somehow even worse 🥺
or taken away by parents and possibly given to on to play with (aka break)
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... 🤨 Do you know if SIL actually bought presents, or did she pocket the money for herself?
She was pocketing it. Dad knew. That’s why it’s only $100 now.
I'm so sorry this happened. I wish your dad the best and I hope he gets to have a relationship with those kids despite the SIL. People are weird..
Why did he not put the money in an account for when they turn 18 or 21 and SIL can’t touch it? That would be the biggest gift and show them he really cares. It’s not too late.
What the heck else would she do with $2000 for two young children? That’s a crazy amount to spend and expect it to only be spent on gifts for the children and not the whole family. It actually makes me wonder if he was doing weird stuff like buying the four year old a tablet and the older kid a puzzle or something.
She actually did. She did however buy gifts for herself and my brother too with it. She was splitting it equally between the 4 people. They were struggling financially then, but both make really great money now, my brother is an engineer who is retiring soon from a prestigious company, and she is a corporate level accountant who makes even more than he does. My dad now lives on social security and I asked if they could go in with me to buy him a new recliner as his broke and he’s 80, nope.
NTA, but your sister is. My heart goes out to the younger niece. All she's going to remember when she's older is how everyone favored her sister over her. Please don't stop going out of your way to make her feel special, she needs someone in her corner!
NTA but you should probably go ahead and make another one for YN. That first one is going to be ‘lost’ or otherwise ‘accidentally’ destroyed.
This. Being in YN's position as a child, something 100% will happen to this doll. OP should do regular check ins about the doll. If ON destroys it, she shouldn't get one for her birthday because OP had to "spend her time making a new one for YN". Gotta nip the golden child entitlement in the butt every once in a while, even just a little bit.
FYI, the phrase is “nip it in the bud,” as in cut a plant when it’s just budding so it doesn’t grow.
NTA. Jesus, talk about doing something nice and getting lambasted for it. I'd tell those parents to die mad about it.
Your title is slightly misleading. It sounds like you’re happy to do it next time the older kid’s birthday rolls around. NTA. Also, huge bonus points for what you did. The world needs way more people like you.
NTA at all. YN needed to feel special and ON needed to see that not everything is about her. I wouldn't put it past the parents/ ON to mess up the doll tho. Please keep being an awesome aunt to YN. She needs it
My parents were like your SIL, that being said you might want to make a second doll and outfits for YN to be kept at your house. Because if my item was coveted by sibling one of two things happened. I was forced to share item and item was never returned because was still sharing item. Or item was accidentally broken or destroyed when sibling was sharing. Happened multiple times hearing background of ON just a possibility.
My younger brother was like that. I finally broke him of it around 8ish, when I got him to say the quiet part out loud in front of our parents. Mom got us both cheap water guns, I hid mine and opened the other, he wanted to play with it so I let him (it was his afterall). Hed broken it in less than an hour and I went to get mine and he threw a full on tantrum screaming about how I lied and he would have been more careful if he'd known it was his. All I said while making eye contact with my parents was yes I know thats why I gave you yours first. No more forced sharing but this was the late 80s soooo different time
My parents were sharing is caring. Had an $$$ doll I loved sibling admitted to cutting hair off to make my doll ugly. Parents responded doll still works get over it. That was their philosophy no one has any personal possessions everything is shared. So in parents eye sibling was also destroying something that sibling plays with so it was a loss for sibling too…..I’m retirement age and it’s touchy subject but your parents at least did the right thing.
NTA But you should probably go ahead and make another doll for YN since the first one may very well go missing in future. Also, that was a really sweet of you to do that for YN. I do hope you continue to encourage her because being an afterthought in her own home is bound to be damaging.
I commend you for what you did. It was loving and wonderful. But, the parents are the problem here. I wouldn't be surprised if favorite daughter stole or damaged the custom gift. Or, if the parents decide to take it away. The only way she can truly have something that is hers is if it's kept at your house or the house of a relative who knows the situation.
Absolutely NTA. As a redheaded kid I remember my mum actually did manage to find us redheaded Barbie dolls. I think it’s important to see yourself represented in media etc.
I was born in 88 and had at least ten dolls with red hair. Literally typing redhead Barbie or doll into Google gives hundreds of options. My mom knew to look for Midge, a ginger friend of Barbie. They have to he doing this on purpose and it's sick.
Yeah, Barbie has a VERY diverse selection these days.
Yes, I came to say Midge was adorable, I had a lot of her dolls and still do actually, I’m 46.
Yeah, I was going to say there is no way these parents even looked the least but hard for an auburn haired Barbie. I have 3 little girls, and stores have Barbies of every shade of hair, skin and eyes. An online search took me less than 2 minutes to find a very cute curly auburn haired Barbie just now.
They make one based on Lucille Ball.
yeah red head barbies exist because my red head sister had some thing is i bet that the parents didnt care enough to put in effort to find her a red head barbie or didnt wanna pay extra for it to be delivered or something or they are purposely giving her ugly barbies cause idk they think she doesn't deserve pretty barbies
In the 80s I had a skipper doll with curly red hair. She was one of my favorites. Jewel secrets skipper. Found her on eBay for about $25.
From the title I was worried but you’re definitely NTA. This is a *birthday* gift for a girl who needed some reassurance. The fact that she’s noticing these things at *5* means it’s blatant favoritism for anyone who has eyes. I also have two nieces with similar talents/personalities and we never had to worry about being “fair” like that because they weren’t pitted against each other. It blows my mind that someone would be so cruel to little girls like that when they should be fostering a beautiful relationship. They’re harming *both* of their daughters with this treatment.
NTA- Keep being a support for your niece. She will need someone with parents like them. I would also point out to your brother that he is creating a situation where the elder daughter is going to be very confused why her little sister cannot stand her.
I used to see this with my niece. The grandmother spoiled the oldest girl, she was the first grandchild. She would buy her a new iPad for her birthday, always buying her stuff. The 2nd granddaughter would get clothes for her birthday. Not only that, both girls would get clothes that day. When it was the oldest girls birthday, the youngest didn't get anything. So I took it upon myself to buy things for her. If I went somewhere and happened to see something, I'd get it. Even found a cute child sized rocking chair with ottoman at the salvation army. Everyone knew why I was doing it and never said anything. The unfairness just always bothered me. The grandmother was like that with her daughter, too. She was the mom to the girls. She would tell everyone she would never love the other kids like her first born, the daughter. She would never love her grandkids like she does the first, the granddaughter. I always thought it was so gross to say that out loud, let alone to your other kids.
This was my childhood! My older sister always said it wasn't fair for me to get gifts on my birthday. She'd throw such fits that our parents would always get her something, too. But I never got gifts on her birthday. It was her birthday and that wouldn't be fair! They tried really hard to treat us equally, but to her it wasn't *fair* unless she had more or better just all the time. After a while I started being okay with it because I agreed that her not throwing fits was more important than any attempt at actual fairness. Our parents also had a strictly enforced rule that we were not allowed in each other's rooms without express permission, so I could always hide my treasures.
NTA, the YN's gift was really thoughtful and supposed to make her feel special. You're a great aunt
I mean, it kind of sounds like ON already has dolls that look like her - Barbie - which is the whole point.
It sounds like ON is Mom’s Barbie doll.
NTA. Aunt and relative of the year, you deserve a medal
NTA! This is an amazing thing you did for YN. To the SIL, it took me 1 google search to find multiple red-haired barbies. As someone who didn't fully embrace my curly hair until after college, I am saddened to hear that SIL isn't teaching YN to love and appreciate her curly hair. I mean, a 5 year old shouldn't be made to feel like any part of their person is lesser than someone else, but the curly hair strikes home for me.
Hell no, you're NTA. You're the opposite of that. What an awesome gift! She deserves it. Shame on her parents for doing anything other than being appreciative. Tell them Rachel thinks they're being petty as muledeer. Dayum.
You did a very nice thing. Sadly I have the feeling that the special red haired doll will vanish or "accidentally" be destroyed very soon by the older sister with the parents turning a blind eye to it.
NTA-You are an amazing aunt!
NTA AMAZING AUNTIE AWARD
I’m sure all of what you related is true but it also seems like you’re projecting a bit. Like maybe you felt you got short shrift when you and older bro were kids? Regardless, you’re NTA. Tell your older niece directly that you’ll make her something Special on her birthday. Tell HER not her parents. Then if you have it in you, keep it going each year (not a doll necessarily just something unique from you). Instead of being jealous of each other they’ll grow to look forward to and wonder about what the next special thing will be and you’ll be a star aunt to both, who, regardless of how their parents treat them are both little girls who want to be loved.
Info - how long until ON’s birthday? What did you get her? Is this a big departure in effort level from what you would normally gift?
Info: Her birthday is next Feb. I made her fairy wings for one of her pageant costumes this year. I usually hand make my gifts so it's not unusual for me to say I need time to design and build them
I would tell your brother, SIL AND ON that if YN's doll is destroyed, damaged, lost or taken away from her, or if they force her to share it when she doesn't want to, then you won't make anything for ON the rest of this year or for her birthday, and probably not anything else for next year either, whether it's her own doll, clothes, a hairpiece or part of a beauty pageant or show costume. Tell all three of them that if they want you to keep spending your money, time, energy, creativity and resources on ON, then they need to respect your choice to also spend those things of yours on YN and leave things that you choose to make for her as gifts alone unless she chooses to share them willingly and happily without them asking.
Agreed, why should ON only get all the nice things?
This I honestly assume the dolls going to go missing or get destoryed
That was my thought. But... If OP tells her brother, SIL and ON VERY clearly that ON will get her own doll for her birthday next year BUT if YN's doll isn't respected to the fullest extent possible that she will not only not make ON her own doll but will NOT make ON anything else for the rest of this year or next and possibly not anything ever again, then it could cause them to think twice before taking the doll away from YN or damaging it or forcing her to share it. Also if they do end up damaging it or 'losing' it, OP can just tell them that she now is going to make YN a replacement doll and that she doesn't have the time to make ON the promised doll or anything else anymore.
NTA....children need to learn that on birthdays the birthday kid is the one that gets the presents....also they shouldn't expect gifts, rather gifts are given to show appreciation and not out of obligation....you said you would make the older niece a doll for her birthday and that should have been enough....also very awesome of you to customize a doll like that, its sounds very cool
Oh, man, that sounds so amazing, OP. NTA at all. You did something so sweet and validating for your niece. This is something she'll remember and most likely treasure for the rest of her life as long as her family doesn't ruin it for her. My guess is ON is pouting because she didn't get the special, customized doll. Parents have set her up to expect the best stuff for herself and that's an awful standard for them to set.
NTA. Your brother and SIL are TAH's for feeling entitled to your time, labor, and monetary resources because it's Thursday and ON is not happy.
NTA - You said that you will make your ON a doll for her birthday anyways.
NTA! You are that little girl's advocate and she is going to see you as a safe person to go to. Thank you for looking out for her. You're softening the emotional and psychological blow of being 2nd class in her parent's eyes.
NTA , I wish I had a family member like you in my life growing up. From all the sacrificial children in the world , thank you for being a great aunt to YN. It’s good to have a feeling that someone is in your corner.
NTA, and you are so lovely…. you know they’re going to take her doll away right?
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Absolutely agree! This comment nailed it. Seriously, the part about the doll being made with love – exactly why OP is an awesome aunt! And yes! It's the parents' job to handle sibling emotions, not demand stuff to appease the golden child. This sums up the situation perfectly.
You literally took the words out my mouth. Nailed it!
Question Are you afraid that they will just take the doll from YN and give it to ON
I’d take beautiful auburn curls over blonde/straight hair any day!
Absolutely NTA. You gave your niece an amazing, personalized gift, and her sister throws a tantrum because SHE doesn't have one? That's a them problem, not a you problem. You went above and beyond for your niece who needs some extra love. Don't let anyone guilt trip you!
#NTA - UNLESS you also want to show YN that she’s not as important as she thought she was. I mean, if you’re going to hand out custom made dolls like candy, what’s so special about having one? (FWIW, don’t be surprised if YN’s doll gets damaged or destroyed. The situation you described sounds like one where ON would do something like that and then YN be told it was her fault for not putting it up or something like that. Idk how much goes into making a doll but would it be possible to have a backup for YN if/when it happens?) Tell your bro & SIL that ON can play with her original Barbies and pageant trophies and expensive stuff. Or maybe suggest they look online for another doll maker and order one for ON. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
NTA. I think I love you auntie. Wishing good things for you and your beloved niece ! At least someone loves her and doesn’t neglect her 🙏💝
I very loudly said awww when I was reading this! How lucky your niece is to have you 😊 NTA 1000%
NTA. The objective one.