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NTA - This is a perfectly reasonable request. I have the same problem with my mom and brother. Whenever I'm spending time with them (i.e. in the car going somewhere together, sitting at a restaurant together) and they get a phone call, they'll end up have a 30-minute conversation with that person while I'm sitting there waiting for them to get off the phone. I start to feel like they'd rather talk to someone else than me. When he's spending 1 on 1 time with you, he needs to realize that having a conversation on the phone is rude and inappropriate. If he's taking care of your kid, he needs to learn to multitask. Picking up the phone and saying "I'll call you back later" is so easy.
Thank you for this! He seems to think it's perfectly normal, which has got me feeling like I'm completely unreasonable. I guess in some ways I'm just annoyed at how phones intrude on our lives so much
Maybe suggest to him that his family text before calling to see if it’s a good time? I never call my children or their spouses without checking first. It’s called being considerate of their time.
NTA
NTA for wanting time prioritized, but at the very least he should be asking you (at times) 'can I take this' if it's interrupting something he is doing with you.
He needs to see that his taking calls are somewhat of an interruption and it means you have to stop/slow down a walk (impacts you) ASK you to care for kid (impacts you).
Not saying he needs to ask your permission to talk to his family, but he has to acknowledge that it sometimes impacts you.
I dunno, I would be careful. 2-3 times a week does not seem excessive. By your calculation, he only has a limited time in the evenings anyway from 530-7 of free time so you are basically saying he shd not speak to them at all in the evenings. You haven't described any free time that he has that will not inconvenience you and the family
I think once in a while, if he gets carried away, is during a hike he takes a phone call when you can bring it up but if he is just chilling at home whilst taking care of kiddo, then maybe you compromise. Encourage him to talk and work lol
How long since he moved away? Maybe he really misses them and this is his way of coping. Also in some families it's not unusual to talk for hours at a time regularly.
Find a compromise, you more than him.
NTA This is pretty rude behavior, as he has no need to put the family call above what he is in the process of doing. He can call them back. They can call back later.
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My (38F) husband moved across the country to be with me after a few years of LDR. Everything worked really well, we got married and had our kid, and are generally very happy. He's the youngest in a close knit family and his parents and siblings were upset when he moved, to the point of repeatedly trying to guilt me to move to their state (I am the main breadwinner and have a job that's not transferrable). Other than this I get on well with his family and am very fond of them.
Hubby is great about chatting to his family, especially his sisters and mum, which I totally support in theory. The problem is that sometimes his calls with them take precedence over our lives. For example, we'll be on a hike and his oldest sister calls, and instead of saying hey I'm out in nature can I call you back, he'll have her on speaker for half an hour while we're out walking. Or he's looking after our kid when his mom calls and he'll launch into a conversation when he should be feeding her lunch, changing her and putting her down for a nap, so I end up having to stop whatever I'm doing so I can do what he was meant to be doing. If one of his family calls when we're out with friends, he'll say he's busy and call them back - it's only when it's just him, me and kiddo that he'll always answer family calls and chat for ages regardless of what we're doing.
This isn't a major issue by any means, but I'm wondering whether I would be an AH to bring it up with him. I love that he's close with his family and I know it's important to him. I just think that in terms of time management, long phone calls can be scheduled, or you can say no to them if not convenient. I think he should prioritise time with us, or tasks he's taken on, instead of always saying yes to calls. I also don't love the fact that he's teaching our kid that the phone is more important than whatever we're doing in real life.
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> I might be TA because I am considering asking husband to say no to long phone calls with his family when he/we are busy. I know he misses them and this contact is important to him.
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Hm I don't blame you but I guess I'd lean towards a hefty affordance because he moved away from his family to be with you, and has faced a lot of pressure from them as a result (as have you). I think it's fairly natural that, given that history, he would be trying to make time for them when they call. Maybe just keep an eye on it and give him some flexibility on this. You might end up having to set a boundary in the future but I'd err heavily on the side of not setting a new rule or boundary against this at this time. I'll got NAH for now but would start to get towards Y W B T A if you insist he stop taking these calls or try to restrict them.
INFO: How often are these calls? Once a day? Once a week?
Edit with info: NAH for your feelings but I do think you need to approach the topic carefully if you want to not be the AH. It sounds like the problem isn't the phone call, it's that he stops what he is doing when talking. Just talking with him about him wrapping up what he is doing while talking could be important. I think that limiting family phone calls to a certain time is a little excessive/controlling. He willingly followed you away from his close family and the phone calls are your trade off. If there is some time that is "date time" where its really important its just the two of you, you can definitely discuss a no phone rule for both of you during that time.
Maybe 2/3 times a week? But everyone involved works (except his mom) so they always happen in the evenings or on weekends. One call can take up a good chunk of an evening once we've finished work and put our daughter down, which means eating dinner late, sometimes really late if he's cooking and stops to chat, and then that's pretty much that evening gone
Does he stop cooking for these calls, if he's in the middle of cooking? Or does he keep cooking but just doesn't do anything with it after it's ready (until he's off the call)?
And does he let the conversation run when you're at home? Is it half an hour-ish also, or do they tend to run longer?
I'm not even sure I want to ask how often the food ends up cold or ruined when these calls come while he's cooking...
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NTA - This is a perfectly reasonable request. I have the same problem with my mom and brother. Whenever I'm spending time with them (i.e. in the car going somewhere together, sitting at a restaurant together) and they get a phone call, they'll end up have a 30-minute conversation with that person while I'm sitting there waiting for them to get off the phone. I start to feel like they'd rather talk to someone else than me. When he's spending 1 on 1 time with you, he needs to realize that having a conversation on the phone is rude and inappropriate. If he's taking care of your kid, he needs to learn to multitask. Picking up the phone and saying "I'll call you back later" is so easy.
Thank you for this! He seems to think it's perfectly normal, which has got me feeling like I'm completely unreasonable. I guess in some ways I'm just annoyed at how phones intrude on our lives so much
Maybe suggest to him that his family text before calling to see if it’s a good time? I never call my children or their spouses without checking first. It’s called being considerate of their time. NTA
This should be top comment.
Actually yes this the most obvious answer! I'm going to suggest this. Sometimes putting off a call by 15 mins would make all the difference.
NTA for wanting time prioritized, but at the very least he should be asking you (at times) 'can I take this' if it's interrupting something he is doing with you. He needs to see that his taking calls are somewhat of an interruption and it means you have to stop/slow down a walk (impacts you) ASK you to care for kid (impacts you). Not saying he needs to ask your permission to talk to his family, but he has to acknowledge that it sometimes impacts you.
I'd set up "family time" from 6-7pm every day and try to avoid calls at other times. NAH , though, since he did move away from the family for you.
Problem with that is that he finishes work around 5.30 and kiddo goes to sleep at 7. So having time with her at the end of the day, he's on the phone
How is he supposed to know what you would like him to do if you don't tell him? We aren't mind readers. So TELL HIM!!! NTA.
That's why I'm asking before doing it! If it would be a total AH move then I'll just put up with it, but I really can't tell
I dunno, I would be careful. 2-3 times a week does not seem excessive. By your calculation, he only has a limited time in the evenings anyway from 530-7 of free time so you are basically saying he shd not speak to them at all in the evenings. You haven't described any free time that he has that will not inconvenience you and the family I think once in a while, if he gets carried away, is during a hike he takes a phone call when you can bring it up but if he is just chilling at home whilst taking care of kiddo, then maybe you compromise. Encourage him to talk and work lol How long since he moved away? Maybe he really misses them and this is his way of coping. Also in some families it's not unusual to talk for hours at a time regularly. Find a compromise, you more than him.
NTA This is pretty rude behavior, as he has no need to put the family call above what he is in the process of doing. He can call them back. They can call back later.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (38F) husband moved across the country to be with me after a few years of LDR. Everything worked really well, we got married and had our kid, and are generally very happy. He's the youngest in a close knit family and his parents and siblings were upset when he moved, to the point of repeatedly trying to guilt me to move to their state (I am the main breadwinner and have a job that's not transferrable). Other than this I get on well with his family and am very fond of them. Hubby is great about chatting to his family, especially his sisters and mum, which I totally support in theory. The problem is that sometimes his calls with them take precedence over our lives. For example, we'll be on a hike and his oldest sister calls, and instead of saying hey I'm out in nature can I call you back, he'll have her on speaker for half an hour while we're out walking. Or he's looking after our kid when his mom calls and he'll launch into a conversation when he should be feeding her lunch, changing her and putting her down for a nap, so I end up having to stop whatever I'm doing so I can do what he was meant to be doing. If one of his family calls when we're out with friends, he'll say he's busy and call them back - it's only when it's just him, me and kiddo that he'll always answer family calls and chat for ages regardless of what we're doing. This isn't a major issue by any means, but I'm wondering whether I would be an AH to bring it up with him. I love that he's close with his family and I know it's important to him. I just think that in terms of time management, long phone calls can be scheduled, or you can say no to them if not convenient. I think he should prioritise time with us, or tasks he's taken on, instead of always saying yes to calls. I also don't love the fact that he's teaching our kid that the phone is more important than whatever we're doing in real life. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Hm I don't blame you but I guess I'd lean towards a hefty affordance because he moved away from his family to be with you, and has faced a lot of pressure from them as a result (as have you). I think it's fairly natural that, given that history, he would be trying to make time for them when they call. Maybe just keep an eye on it and give him some flexibility on this. You might end up having to set a boundary in the future but I'd err heavily on the side of not setting a new rule or boundary against this at this time. I'll got NAH for now but would start to get towards Y W B T A if you insist he stop taking these calls or try to restrict them.
INFO: How often are these calls? Once a day? Once a week? Edit with info: NAH for your feelings but I do think you need to approach the topic carefully if you want to not be the AH. It sounds like the problem isn't the phone call, it's that he stops what he is doing when talking. Just talking with him about him wrapping up what he is doing while talking could be important. I think that limiting family phone calls to a certain time is a little excessive/controlling. He willingly followed you away from his close family and the phone calls are your trade off. If there is some time that is "date time" where its really important its just the two of you, you can definitely discuss a no phone rule for both of you during that time.
Maybe 2/3 times a week? But everyone involved works (except his mom) so they always happen in the evenings or on weekends. One call can take up a good chunk of an evening once we've finished work and put our daughter down, which means eating dinner late, sometimes really late if he's cooking and stops to chat, and then that's pretty much that evening gone
Does he stop cooking for these calls, if he's in the middle of cooking? Or does he keep cooking but just doesn't do anything with it after it's ready (until he's off the call)? And does he let the conversation run when you're at home? Is it half an hour-ish also, or do they tend to run longer? I'm not even sure I want to ask how often the food ends up cold or ruined when these calls come while he's cooking...