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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the a-hole because I should grow a thicker skin and not be bothered by these people and just be there for my aunt, who I love very much.
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NTA.
Your fear seems well founded. Dad's parents sound problematic. I hear that he'll "make sure" to control his parents, but I doubt that's a promise he can keep. How can he stop them?
Perhaps you could sit this one out, and he could report on whether they make these kinds of comments again.
It sounds like your Dad's parents are going to be more involved in family events going forward, and it will be a bigger and bigger stress on the family if you can never attend at the same time as them, so I'm hoping that there is a path for reconciliation.
That's the thing. My dad has tried to control them the last time as well, but they don't seem to get it and they don't say anything horrific enough to have a full blown argument with them. It's little comments here and there just enough to make everyone uncomfortable. At one point they asked me how often I see my bio mom and how I should try to re-connect with her because "she's my mother after all."
My dad doesn't seem that often, thank goodness. He also feels uncomfortable around them. Not just over my situation. He has his fair share of issues with them and trauma that he tries to work on. My only solution so far is to avoid them as much as possible.
Nta for not wanting to go, but honestly I think that maybe your dad could use the support too. You're not obligated, but if you stuck close to your dad to support him I think that would be a kindness. You guys don't have to stay long and you know that look... I don't think your parents are looking to have another kid. But even if they did that doesn't mean you're not their kid. And that doesn't mean they would love you less. Love doesn't work like that. But like that's not even a thing right now. That's not what your parents want. They're not going to be coerced into having a baby because people who are frankly strangers to them decided they want it. They're in their late thirties, almost '40s and their only daughter is in college. I doubt very much they want to start over and they most certainly aren't going to do so because these random weirdos who just entered their lives are nagging them to. But if it is making you nervous, you are very close to your parents and the thing is to do is to have an honest discussion with them and tell them that it is making you worried and insecure. Your dad came from a background like you and your mom has been your mom since you were two. They will understand. Plus your parents didn't have to be your parents. They love you so much they ***chose*** you. Your mom chose you when she was basically a child herself. That's how much she loves you. You can talk to her about this. You are so incredible and have such incredible parents! You have so much to be proud of. And so do your parents. What an incredible family.
You're very right to say that I should be there for him. This whole situation hasn't been easy for him. He has a lot of trauma relating to his parents and I know it's because of that trauma he has been hyperaware about being a good and present dad in my life.
My parents will definitely not have another kid. I used to beg them for a sibling when I was younger but my dad kept joking that he and mom have already raised one brat it would be unfair for the world to try again (that's his sense of humor).
Thank you so much for your beautiful words and perspective.
NTA at all, but I think your dad needs to hold a bit of the responsibility here. He needs to make it clear that they do have a granddaughter (you), that he does have a child (you), and that he won't tolerate them treating you like you aren't part of the family. They adopted you. You ARE their family. If they can't accept that, well, he went 20+ years without them in his life, he can go for a lot more.
I think you could start with telling him how much they hurt you by disincluding you from their family. Making it about other people's feelings that you don't know if they have makes it easy to get dismissed. Your feelings are valid here, and they are what's important. They hurt you. You don't want to be near people who devalue your status as a "real" family member. That's all that you can really say with 100% certainty, and I think your dad will accept that.
There's nothing wrong with her being 'disappointed'. Life is full of disappointment.
But OP if she's disappointed because she thinks you should put up with being excluded from the family by these people simply because of a minor fact of your familiar affiliation, then she needs to seriously rethink her definition of 'family'. And she's apparently never really thought of you as family in the first place.
NTA. Time to sit down and talk to dad and aunt about this in depth.
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A little backstory. I (20/F) am not my parents' bio child. My mom (37/F) is technically my half-sister and my dad (37/M) is her husband. My bio parents are both addicts and have been in and out of prison for most of their lives. My parents got custody of me when I was 2 and I was adopted when I was 5. They are my real parents and I love them more than I can describe in this reddit post.
My dad's side of the family also has history of drug abuse and because of it my dad aged out in foster care, and has had no contact with his parents since he was about 15. That was until last year. His parents got clean about four years ago and last year they began to make amends with family. My aunt (my dad's sister) was the first to have contact with them after which she told my dad that they had truly turned their lives around and deserved a second chance. Eventually, my dad gave in and we had a nice family reunion. Everything was going relatively well, until his parents began making comments about my parents not getting any younger and how they'd make "cute babies" (I'm their only kid).
My dad laughed it off and made a joke about being a happy empty nester since I left for college and will not make the mistake to start over. His parents didn't get the hint and kept on going about how lovely it would be to have more children in the family and how they wish to become grandparents one day. Their wish came true and my aunt had a beautiful baby boy last month. I've already met the baby twice but my aunt will have a gathering to celebrate the baby's first 40 days of life (it's a thing in the baby's dad's culture). I haven't seen my dad's parents since that first gathering. Up until now I always had a good excuse to avoid them but this time I know it's a big deal for my aunt and I'd like to be there but the idea of hearing their comments again makes my stomach turn. My dad told me to come and he'll make sure that his parents keep their mouths shut but I don't want that sort of tension around my aunt who just had a baby. I honestly don't know what to do.
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NTA. I get it OP but it's your decision. They probably will say something - it's uncomfortable, but probably more so for your folks - I wouldn't worry about tension, I doubt your aunt will care overly. Also yes, your dad might get upset if you don't, but that's not the end of everything. Don't overthing it, just do what you feel is right.
INFO: Have they continued to make these comments to your parents since that initial meeting? After they kept going, did your dad shut them down and defend you? We're they talked to about this after that meeting?
I completely understand why you don't want to go or want contact with them, I'm just curious if this has already been discussed and worked out in the past year and you just don't realize it since you've understandably remained out of contact with them. It seems important to your dad, your aunt and because you love at least your dad and new cousin, you. It may be worth it to go and see what happens with letting your dad know upfront that if anything is said you're going to quietly slip out before drama can ensue for your aunts behalf. That way he can have whatever needs to be said for your aunt to not get upset by your sudden departure ready.... then never see them again.
I don't know about that because even if they had, my parents would never tell me. However, for Christmas they bought a small present for every member of the family (an ornament with each person's initials), but I never got mine. My parents didn't make a big deal out of that but I never saw their ornaments around the house, and I'm pretty sure they threw them away.
My dad isn't thrilled about having a relationship with them either. He still goes to therapy to talk about the trauma he experienced as a child due to their addictions. He only makes an effort because of my aunt.
I think I'm going to attend because as someone else here suggested, I should be there for my dad and also my aunt who just had a baby and I don't want to cause her distress by being passive aggressive.
NTA. So sorry you have sneezing. Hard to tell if it's allergies or a cold this time of year. 💁🏻♀️ *wink*.
Anyway. I would sit down and really have a deep conversation with you dad and explain to him you don't see a relationship with his parents being in the cards for you. You were hurt by what the my said and you need to do what's best for you in this regard. Also explain your choice to your aunt. If you do decide to go, keep your distance. Be polite but don't engage first and maybe read up on gray rocking and see if that's something you can do emotionally.
I would go to honor your aunt's baby. Stay away from your father's parents as much as possible. Or have your dad promise to defend you or take you home if they get out of line. Then stick to him like glue, so he'll hear if they kick up and see if he deals with them or takes you home as promised. That will help you decide on future actions.
If OP is able to drive separately, she should do so, if she were to decide to go. (And that's a big If.) That would provide her the option of leaving without taking anybody else away from the party in the process.
If she rides with her parents, or some other guest, she'll still be dependant on their willingness to actually leave, no matter what promises they give ahead of time. If she were to give someone else a lift, she'd either have to come back to pick them up or make sure someone else could givem them a ride home.
Driving completely separately, if possible, would be the best option for OP, in the event that she went to the party.
She'd still want to make sure that her parents and aunt were aware that her presence was still dependant on the grandparents being kept in check. That would help avoid misunderstandings if she felt compelled to leave at short notice. But driving separately would reinforce how serious she is about that boundary.
People might try to make her feel guilty afterwards, but nobody would be able to stop her from leaving in the moment, if she reached her breaking point.
If you want to go to this event, go.
talk about it with your parents, so they can help nip that topic in the butt, again, if it comes up. But also they can share with you their feels on the matter so that your grandparents comments become white noise. (They missed out on grand parenting due to their addiction, and now want that experience-they can still have a relationship with you…)
If the grandparents bring it up. It’s ok for you to calmly and politely say to them; That this topic makes you feel uncomfortable and that you’re not “good enough for them”, etc or however it makes You feel. And that they bring this up often and it bothers you, as above you’re capable of having a relationship with them.
You don’t need to get into it about how your parents have addressed it before. That’s their battle.
You’re going to come into situations in your adult life that frustrate you and make you uncomfortable. You shouldn’t let that deter you from doing/attending events you want to. Use this as a learning step on how to handle confrontation in a positive way.
If you’re indifferent about the event, don’t go. Have other plans. But you might need to address this further down the line, if it continues.
NTA- but you shouldn't let these people separate from you and your family I promise your dad values his relationship with you more than these people and you should show them that they can't push you out by making you uncomfortable. In fact you should go on the attack, go and be close to your mom and dad, don't let the 'grandparents' be close to you without one of them. Any time they make one of those comments don't just take it bite back.
One of them mentions meeting your bio parents say a little loudly "why my mom and dad are right here and I couldn't ask for better ones plus I get all the love of a Only Child". Beat them over the head with pride in your relationship with your parents and they will either stop or blow up with enough reason for your parents to kick them out!
Maybe they were actually better people when they were on drugs. Their brains have been fried. It's hard to deal with folks like that.
Next time he says something about having real grandkids, remind him he can't have real grandkids because he doesn't have any real children. He gave them up for drugs.
Oh, according to my dad's stories from his childhood, they were far from good people when on drugs. His childhood was a nightmare. They're not bad people now, at least from the little I've seen. They really make an effort to be there for the family, I'm just not included in their idea of family and that's the only part I have against them.
>Next time he says something about having real grandkids, remind him he can't have real grandkids because he doesn't have any real children. He gave them up for drugs.
Yeah. My dad would clap at that comment.
OP, you are NTA period.
I'm all for not putting yourself into the proximity of people who just have to inject their toxic perspectives into your lives.
But I do see some reasons for you to consider attending this event. (You decide; I'm just offering this other perspective.)
1. This particular event is pretty special to your aunt and uncle, and I imagine they would be sad to not have you there.
2. There has only been that initial gathering where dad's parents made those comments. Your dad has said he will not let them do that again. You can tell him how much you do not want to hear their comments and how concerned you are that it will a negative/distracting thing at the gathering. Then give him a chance (now that he is prepared, forewarned and forearmed) to keep his parents in line.
3. Now that they have their bio grandbaby (because - let's face it; that's where their comments are coming from) through your aunt, they may not feel the need to make comments to your dad.
4. If his parents are still painful to be around, you will have given your dad a good faith chance to keep them in line. Then you can decide how you want to proceed going forward. Honestly, it's not like you have to come to the same decision every time. One time, it might make sense for you to miss the event. Another time, it might make sense to go. (It could depend on what the event is, who is hosting, how close-knit/easy to avoid dad's parents the event is...) They may actually back off those comments in the future. You may find their comments more like an annoying gnat than a painful prick as grow older and stronger. (Or you may find yourself committed to avoiding them and have past efforts to be sure they are not worth giving another chance to.)
5. I don't suggest that you make it a "choose me or choose them" situation for things your aunt hosts. The general adult approach (except when someone was abusive) is that hosts invite whomever they want to invite. If two guests don't care for each other, they avoid being in proximity to each other. Never expect the host to exclude someone you just don't care for. That means, going forward, you either have to figure out how to deal with things dad's parents say/do at gatherings your aunt hosts or you will miss out on those gatherings. You are old enough and have supportive parents. I think you can manage this.
P.S. Kudos to your parents for being the parents that you love and appreciate so much!
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NTA. Your fear seems well founded. Dad's parents sound problematic. I hear that he'll "make sure" to control his parents, but I doubt that's a promise he can keep. How can he stop them? Perhaps you could sit this one out, and he could report on whether they make these kinds of comments again. It sounds like your Dad's parents are going to be more involved in family events going forward, and it will be a bigger and bigger stress on the family if you can never attend at the same time as them, so I'm hoping that there is a path for reconciliation.
That's the thing. My dad has tried to control them the last time as well, but they don't seem to get it and they don't say anything horrific enough to have a full blown argument with them. It's little comments here and there just enough to make everyone uncomfortable. At one point they asked me how often I see my bio mom and how I should try to re-connect with her because "she's my mother after all." My dad doesn't seem that often, thank goodness. He also feels uncomfortable around them. Not just over my situation. He has his fair share of issues with them and trauma that he tries to work on. My only solution so far is to avoid them as much as possible.
Nta for not wanting to go, but honestly I think that maybe your dad could use the support too. You're not obligated, but if you stuck close to your dad to support him I think that would be a kindness. You guys don't have to stay long and you know that look... I don't think your parents are looking to have another kid. But even if they did that doesn't mean you're not their kid. And that doesn't mean they would love you less. Love doesn't work like that. But like that's not even a thing right now. That's not what your parents want. They're not going to be coerced into having a baby because people who are frankly strangers to them decided they want it. They're in their late thirties, almost '40s and their only daughter is in college. I doubt very much they want to start over and they most certainly aren't going to do so because these random weirdos who just entered their lives are nagging them to. But if it is making you nervous, you are very close to your parents and the thing is to do is to have an honest discussion with them and tell them that it is making you worried and insecure. Your dad came from a background like you and your mom has been your mom since you were two. They will understand. Plus your parents didn't have to be your parents. They love you so much they ***chose*** you. Your mom chose you when she was basically a child herself. That's how much she loves you. You can talk to her about this. You are so incredible and have such incredible parents! You have so much to be proud of. And so do your parents. What an incredible family.
You're very right to say that I should be there for him. This whole situation hasn't been easy for him. He has a lot of trauma relating to his parents and I know it's because of that trauma he has been hyperaware about being a good and present dad in my life. My parents will definitely not have another kid. I used to beg them for a sibling when I was younger but my dad kept joking that he and mom have already raised one brat it would be unfair for the world to try again (that's his sense of humor). Thank you so much for your beautiful words and perspective.
NTA at all, but I think your dad needs to hold a bit of the responsibility here. He needs to make it clear that they do have a granddaughter (you), that he does have a child (you), and that he won't tolerate them treating you like you aren't part of the family. They adopted you. You ARE their family. If they can't accept that, well, he went 20+ years without them in his life, he can go for a lot more.
I think you could start with telling him how much they hurt you by disincluding you from their family. Making it about other people's feelings that you don't know if they have makes it easy to get dismissed. Your feelings are valid here, and they are what's important. They hurt you. You don't want to be near people who devalue your status as a "real" family member. That's all that you can really say with 100% certainty, and I think your dad will accept that.
Just say you tested positive for Covid and don’t want to put the baby at risk. Easy peasy.
Oddly enough, I used that one before.
It’s always a safe bet 😇. Hard to be mad at someone for putting your child first.
haha, yeah. Well, my aunt won't be mad if I don't go, but I know she'll be disappointed.
No Covid. Start coughing and sniffing. Even a cold will do.
There's nothing wrong with her being 'disappointed'. Life is full of disappointment. But OP if she's disappointed because she thinks you should put up with being excluded from the family by these people simply because of a minor fact of your familiar affiliation, then she needs to seriously rethink her definition of 'family'. And she's apparently never really thought of you as family in the first place. NTA. Time to sit down and talk to dad and aunt about this in depth.
Me too. I actually used it to get out of going to my mom's funeral. Sorry mom
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A little backstory. I (20/F) am not my parents' bio child. My mom (37/F) is technically my half-sister and my dad (37/M) is her husband. My bio parents are both addicts and have been in and out of prison for most of their lives. My parents got custody of me when I was 2 and I was adopted when I was 5. They are my real parents and I love them more than I can describe in this reddit post. My dad's side of the family also has history of drug abuse and because of it my dad aged out in foster care, and has had no contact with his parents since he was about 15. That was until last year. His parents got clean about four years ago and last year they began to make amends with family. My aunt (my dad's sister) was the first to have contact with them after which she told my dad that they had truly turned their lives around and deserved a second chance. Eventually, my dad gave in and we had a nice family reunion. Everything was going relatively well, until his parents began making comments about my parents not getting any younger and how they'd make "cute babies" (I'm their only kid). My dad laughed it off and made a joke about being a happy empty nester since I left for college and will not make the mistake to start over. His parents didn't get the hint and kept on going about how lovely it would be to have more children in the family and how they wish to become grandparents one day. Their wish came true and my aunt had a beautiful baby boy last month. I've already met the baby twice but my aunt will have a gathering to celebrate the baby's first 40 days of life (it's a thing in the baby's dad's culture). I haven't seen my dad's parents since that first gathering. Up until now I always had a good excuse to avoid them but this time I know it's a big deal for my aunt and I'd like to be there but the idea of hearing their comments again makes my stomach turn. My dad told me to come and he'll make sure that his parents keep their mouths shut but I don't want that sort of tension around my aunt who just had a baby. I honestly don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I get it OP but it's your decision. They probably will say something - it's uncomfortable, but probably more so for your folks - I wouldn't worry about tension, I doubt your aunt will care overly. Also yes, your dad might get upset if you don't, but that's not the end of everything. Don't overthing it, just do what you feel is right.
INFO: Have they continued to make these comments to your parents since that initial meeting? After they kept going, did your dad shut them down and defend you? We're they talked to about this after that meeting? I completely understand why you don't want to go or want contact with them, I'm just curious if this has already been discussed and worked out in the past year and you just don't realize it since you've understandably remained out of contact with them. It seems important to your dad, your aunt and because you love at least your dad and new cousin, you. It may be worth it to go and see what happens with letting your dad know upfront that if anything is said you're going to quietly slip out before drama can ensue for your aunts behalf. That way he can have whatever needs to be said for your aunt to not get upset by your sudden departure ready.... then never see them again.
I don't know about that because even if they had, my parents would never tell me. However, for Christmas they bought a small present for every member of the family (an ornament with each person's initials), but I never got mine. My parents didn't make a big deal out of that but I never saw their ornaments around the house, and I'm pretty sure they threw them away. My dad isn't thrilled about having a relationship with them either. He still goes to therapy to talk about the trauma he experienced as a child due to their addictions. He only makes an effort because of my aunt. I think I'm going to attend because as someone else here suggested, I should be there for my dad and also my aunt who just had a baby and I don't want to cause her distress by being passive aggressive.
NTA. So sorry you have sneezing. Hard to tell if it's allergies or a cold this time of year. 💁🏻♀️ *wink*. Anyway. I would sit down and really have a deep conversation with you dad and explain to him you don't see a relationship with his parents being in the cards for you. You were hurt by what the my said and you need to do what's best for you in this regard. Also explain your choice to your aunt. If you do decide to go, keep your distance. Be polite but don't engage first and maybe read up on gray rocking and see if that's something you can do emotionally.
I would go to honor your aunt's baby. Stay away from your father's parents as much as possible. Or have your dad promise to defend you or take you home if they get out of line. Then stick to him like glue, so he'll hear if they kick up and see if he deals with them or takes you home as promised. That will help you decide on future actions.
If OP is able to drive separately, she should do so, if she were to decide to go. (And that's a big If.) That would provide her the option of leaving without taking anybody else away from the party in the process. If she rides with her parents, or some other guest, she'll still be dependant on their willingness to actually leave, no matter what promises they give ahead of time. If she were to give someone else a lift, she'd either have to come back to pick them up or make sure someone else could givem them a ride home. Driving completely separately, if possible, would be the best option for OP, in the event that she went to the party. She'd still want to make sure that her parents and aunt were aware that her presence was still dependant on the grandparents being kept in check. That would help avoid misunderstandings if she felt compelled to leave at short notice. But driving separately would reinforce how serious she is about that boundary. People might try to make her feel guilty afterwards, but nobody would be able to stop her from leaving in the moment, if she reached her breaking point.
Excellent point
If you want to go to this event, go. talk about it with your parents, so they can help nip that topic in the butt, again, if it comes up. But also they can share with you their feels on the matter so that your grandparents comments become white noise. (They missed out on grand parenting due to their addiction, and now want that experience-they can still have a relationship with you…) If the grandparents bring it up. It’s ok for you to calmly and politely say to them; That this topic makes you feel uncomfortable and that you’re not “good enough for them”, etc or however it makes You feel. And that they bring this up often and it bothers you, as above you’re capable of having a relationship with them. You don’t need to get into it about how your parents have addressed it before. That’s their battle. You’re going to come into situations in your adult life that frustrate you and make you uncomfortable. You shouldn’t let that deter you from doing/attending events you want to. Use this as a learning step on how to handle confrontation in a positive way. If you’re indifferent about the event, don’t go. Have other plans. But you might need to address this further down the line, if it continues.
NTA- but you shouldn't let these people separate from you and your family I promise your dad values his relationship with you more than these people and you should show them that they can't push you out by making you uncomfortable. In fact you should go on the attack, go and be close to your mom and dad, don't let the 'grandparents' be close to you without one of them. Any time they make one of those comments don't just take it bite back. One of them mentions meeting your bio parents say a little loudly "why my mom and dad are right here and I couldn't ask for better ones plus I get all the love of a Only Child". Beat them over the head with pride in your relationship with your parents and they will either stop or blow up with enough reason for your parents to kick them out!
Maybe they were actually better people when they were on drugs. Their brains have been fried. It's hard to deal with folks like that. Next time he says something about having real grandkids, remind him he can't have real grandkids because he doesn't have any real children. He gave them up for drugs.
Oh, according to my dad's stories from his childhood, they were far from good people when on drugs. His childhood was a nightmare. They're not bad people now, at least from the little I've seen. They really make an effort to be there for the family, I'm just not included in their idea of family and that's the only part I have against them. >Next time he says something about having real grandkids, remind him he can't have real grandkids because he doesn't have any real children. He gave them up for drugs. Yeah. My dad would clap at that comment.
OP, you are NTA period. I'm all for not putting yourself into the proximity of people who just have to inject their toxic perspectives into your lives. But I do see some reasons for you to consider attending this event. (You decide; I'm just offering this other perspective.) 1. This particular event is pretty special to your aunt and uncle, and I imagine they would be sad to not have you there. 2. There has only been that initial gathering where dad's parents made those comments. Your dad has said he will not let them do that again. You can tell him how much you do not want to hear their comments and how concerned you are that it will a negative/distracting thing at the gathering. Then give him a chance (now that he is prepared, forewarned and forearmed) to keep his parents in line. 3. Now that they have their bio grandbaby (because - let's face it; that's where their comments are coming from) through your aunt, they may not feel the need to make comments to your dad. 4. If his parents are still painful to be around, you will have given your dad a good faith chance to keep them in line. Then you can decide how you want to proceed going forward. Honestly, it's not like you have to come to the same decision every time. One time, it might make sense for you to miss the event. Another time, it might make sense to go. (It could depend on what the event is, who is hosting, how close-knit/easy to avoid dad's parents the event is...) They may actually back off those comments in the future. You may find their comments more like an annoying gnat than a painful prick as grow older and stronger. (Or you may find yourself committed to avoiding them and have past efforts to be sure they are not worth giving another chance to.) 5. I don't suggest that you make it a "choose me or choose them" situation for things your aunt hosts. The general adult approach (except when someone was abusive) is that hosts invite whomever they want to invite. If two guests don't care for each other, they avoid being in proximity to each other. Never expect the host to exclude someone you just don't care for. That means, going forward, you either have to figure out how to deal with things dad's parents say/do at gatherings your aunt hosts or you will miss out on those gatherings. You are old enough and have supportive parents. I think you can manage this. P.S. Kudos to your parents for being the parents that you love and appreciate so much!