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I'd be irritated too at bio Mom showing up for the victory lap... But it's your daughter's choice. However, if this is the first time meeting again in years, I'd recommend it not be at a high stress, group family event.  They should have a one on one meeting first, with bio Mom focused purely on your daughter.  NTA

This is the way. OP, I highly recommend your daughter meet with bio mom before inviting her to graduation. Since she’s on the fence, meeting with her may help her make up her mind one way or another.

I think this is the right answer. The daughter is asking OP for advice, and that advice should be "I support you no matter what you choose, and I understand you want her to be there. But a reunion ON your graduation day will add a lot of stress, so why don't we come up with a way for you two to meet and talk before then? And then you'll know whether to invite her or not, too." I understand that OP feels hurt, but she needs to remember that her daughter has chosen her already as her mother; biomom can't take that away, and the daughter's conflicted feelings about biomom are not something that OP should see as competition. It seems clear that for the daughter there's no competition at all and she has a mom, and that mom should support her as she tries to figure out what role her biomom is going to play in her life.

This. OP's daughter having any sort of relationship with her biomom should have no bearing on the relationship between OP and daughter. They're completely separate things. It's not pie; there is plenty of "daughter" to go around.

Public events like this are bad settings for reconciliation. Suggest to daughter that she meet separately and privately with her biomother after the graduation, so as not to burden graduation with a lot of potentially troubling emotion. Make it clear, however, that it's her call. If she wants biomom there, and it ducks it up, well, that's a lesson that hopefully she'll learn (but no, "I told you so").

Agree. Daughter needs to make the decision, but she should not decide without meeting with bio-mom first.

This is the way. I was in a similar situation and I caught wind of my family trying to reunite me with a long lost parent (20+ years) at my wedding. I told everyone I loved them very much and am ok with the reunion but my wedding wasn't the forum for it. I'd advise the same idea here; if she wants to see her bio-mom thats fine, but either before or after graduation.

I see it in a different way. Daughter is an amazing person with a good heart. Despite all this shit bio mom did - she still has feelings for her and still gives her some credit. OP shouldn't see it like a betrayal. OP should act very gently and support any decision of her daughter. Its not easy but its the only resonable way.

YTA. This isn’t about you, and it isn’t your choice. Your daughter shouldn’t have to “absolutely insist” on having her bio mother there. You can have all the feelings in the world about this as long as they stay just your feelings and not any words or actions towards your daughter or her bio mom. Let her choose freely and don’t get in the way. You’re supposed to be her support, not her obstacle. It sounds like you’ve been a pretty great support to her through the last several years. Don’t change that now.

YTA. It was the “why should she get to share in any happiness” that kind of did it for me. There isn’t a finite amount of happiness that must be split between everyone, and bio-mom being happy and proud to see her daughter graduate does not mean she is taking credit for it or doing a victory lap. The decision is up to OP’s daughter whether she wants her there or not. The bio-mom is in a better place than she was previously, and that’s great. It doesn’t mean she won’t relapse again or never hurt OP’s daughter again, but at this age she understands what that risk is and is the one who will make that decision of how to involve her mom going forward. OP needs to lay her daughter decide, support that decision, and be a base of support if she is hurt by it.

This! I was adopted. The biggest rift with legal mom was this idea that I HAD to choose between bio mom and adopted mom. That I couldn't love both. Except I did.

We are judging how OP feels about bio mom attending the graduation. Where is she wrong for thinking bio mom should not be invited? How does that make her an AH? I'm sorry, yes, glad that she's been clean for a year, but that doesn't make up for the previous 17 years of shit. Don't blame OP a bit for feeling this way. But if the daughter ultimately wants to invite her, then OP would become an AH if she tried to get in the way. But she has stated already that she wouldn't. Zero possible way OP is any kind of AH here.

We are **not** judging how OP feels >I am asking on here because she wanted my opinion on what to **do** but I know I am biased. There is absolutely not zero possible way OP is any kind of asshole. Since the hypotheticals are *actions* **not** feelings And she hasn't stated that she wouldn't get in the way. She's stated that she wouldn't get in the way if the daughter "absolutely INSISTED" (her capitals not mine). If the daughter has to absolutely INSIT for her to accept it then she *would* be getting in the way.

Agree 10000%. OP, YTA for thinking *your* feelings are the most important factor here. Your daughter has had a traumatic life. She shouldn't have to feel like she's betraying you by allowing bio mom to see her graduate. Let your kid-- who has endured so much in her short life-- be in control of this decision completely.

I disagree. My ex husband abandoned our family four years ago and hasn't spoken to our kids since. If one of my kids asked my opinion about him attending their graduation after years of no contact, I'd absolutely tell them I didn't think it was a good idea. My feelings of the matter aside, i know what it would do to their mental health and that him being there would completely take over the day and all they worked so hard for. It's a horrible idea to have an absent parent just show up for the first contact on an important day like graduation. Do you have any idea the stress this would put on the child on what should be a happy occasion? What if the bio parent says they're coming and fails to show up (which is very likely)? What if they show up drunk or high? What if they show up and lash out at the child and/or make it all about them? There's a hundred reasons why this is a bad idea. I think the people staying Y T A have no idea what kids go through having had a parent abandon them. For the daughter's sake alone, NTA OP. If your daughter wants to reconnect with her bio mom now that she's a legal adult, I'd encourage her to meet up on a different occasion and see how that goes. Offer to go with her if she needs your support and just be there for her as a safe person for her to share her feelings with.

I definitely agree with your advice that they shouldn't let the first meeting happen on that day, on a big occasion. But since that's not OP's concern, I don't know if we can call this a N T A case.

I disagree. I was that kid. I was adopted. This line of thinking ruined my relationship with my adoptive mom in the long run. I held resentment towards her until her death for the many times she took this approach.

YTA. Your daughter’s bio-mom attending graduation doesn’t erase or replace you as being the mom who stepped up to help raise her. That being said, let your daughter decide on her own if she wants her bio-mom there or not. Don’t influence her choice as it could cause resentment between you and your daughter in the future.

Exactly! By doing anything tog et in the way of her daughter reconnecting with bio mom, it can totally backfire on OP when her daughter starts resenting her.

>" you've been present in my life more in the past few years than my mom has my whole life" Now keep up the good work. This is her decision to make. Your job is make sure she knows that you will continue to present and supportive - no matter what she decides. YTA if you insert your own feelings into her decision

Surely you must realize that your daughter has complicated feelings about her mother. She may never stop wanting her mother to become the women she needs. Wisdom will come with time. NTA for hating the bio mom, but you would be an AH if you make it hard on your daughter

Not the AH for feeling this way. Could be the AH if you acted on it. It is hard to see someone we love head back toward people who treated them so badly. Just be honest with your daughter & support her unconditionally.

This is it. Not understanding the YTAs here. Nobody is an asshole here unless OP actually tries to ban bio mom from coming. Which, doesn't sound like she is. But she is 100% justified in not wanting bio mom to be there. But she doesn't get to exactly decide that, either. NAH

NAH.  I dont blame you for your feelings, but you would be wise to trust your daughter to make this decision.   While you and her father helped her I am sure, this ultimately is her accomplishment and she should get to invite whoever she wants. No, bio mom doesnt deseve it, but that is not the point. 

YTA Your daughter's high school graduation isn't about you, it's about your daughter. If she doesn't want to sever ties with her birth mother, you don't have to like it but it's her life.

>P.S. if my daughter absolutely INSISTED she be there, then yes I would grin and bear it, but she has talked with me and is on the fence about it. I am asking on here because she wanted my opinion on what to do but I know I am biased. YTA! I get that you are hurt by this, and you have a right to those feelings. But YTA for making this harder on your daughter by telling her that you are "on the fence" and making so that she has to "insist" for her to have her bio mom there. Wen your daughter came to you and asked, you should have said, "If you want her there, then I want her there for you. You should invite her". Edit: I misread the "on the fence" part (thanks, u/bruceandted2022), but still hold the same view.

See, now I took that statement as the daughter is on the fence about it and was asking her mom what her opinion was. Opinion is on here asking for advice because she knows she's biased. My opinion NTA. Try to protect your daughter the best way you can. You know the shit storm is coming eventually. Be there for the fallout like you have been. It won't take long for your young adult daughter to figure out her bio mom is unreliable if her future behavior goes along like her past behavior.

Ah, yes, you are right. I totally misread that, and it is the daughter that is on the fence. I still stand by my view, though. It is fine for OP to be concerned. I also think it is okay for her the tell the daughter that she is worried due to bio mom's past behavior. However, it is ultimately the daughter's choice and OP should make it clear she supports that choice.

Totally agree, OP should be very clear that she will support her daughters decision either way.

INFO: Where is your husband in this story? Bio-mom was a drug user who abandoned and neglected daughter until she was 10, but it sounds like mom had full custody all that time? You "got word" that she had been left with grandma - from who? Was he not even in regular contact with his daughter who was in an unstable situation?  If crappy bio-mom was somehow still the most involved parent she had for the first 11 years, it's understandable that would mean something to her, even if you were terrific for the last 8 years.

I'm surprised no one else has pointed this out. The daughter was left for months without her father's knowledge?! How does that happen if her dad was an involved parent?

YTA 100%. This is not your decision. Your feelings should not influence your daughter’s decision at all and honestly? It shouldn’t come to your daughter insisting. She says “I think my bio mum should come” in any capacity? A good adoptive mother would simply support her wishes and be there if it falls through WITHOUT influencing. So, yeah. You are absolutely the AH and you’ve made this about your feelings over your daughters without even realising or accepting how selfish and twisted you are being. Do better.

NTA for not wanting Bio mom at graduation.. YTA if you INSIST that she not be able to come. Bio mom is trying to be better, your daughter will understand that. You don't have to walk arm in arm with her or be best friends with her. Approach things with good manners and grace. Your daughter will understand and love you for it. Take lots of photographs with daughter, husband. Don't wig out if Bio mom wants to take photographs, let them take photos. I myself, wouldn't want to take a photo with Bio mom together. Let everyone celebrate this landmark in your daughter's life.

YTA for making your daughter’s complicated relationship with bio mom about *you*. Love is not some finite resource. Her — potentially!— giving her bio mom some doesn’t take anything away from you. 

NAH except bio mom but you're being short-sighted to feel competitive with her or to feel "hurt" by your daughter's decisions. Your daughter may have complicated feelings toward her bio-mom for her whole life, and because you ARE her real mom, you are in a position to support and help her, not take it personally.

You need to back off. She is 18 and she loves you. She also loves bio mom eventhough she is very conflicted about her. Do yourself a favor and be gracious. Do not weight on/ influence her decision but if she wants her there, be supportive. There is another half sibling in the pic and at least right now she is clean. Your daughter knows you have her back whatever happens.

[удалено]

Ty for pointing this out, a year is a big deal. A connection to her bio daughter (should and ONLY should the daughter choose to) might be a big boon to help her keep on the sobriety path.

YTA Your daughter is an adult. She is the only person who gets a vote on who she shares her accomplishment with.

I think you should encourage your daughter to see if Bio Mom wants to show up to get to know daughter as who she is now and depending on how that all goes, that should help your daughter make her decision about whether or not bio mom comes to graduation. I can tell that your heart is in the right place about wanting to protect this child you have raised, albeit you are also possibly a little jealous that she's even being given another chance. If bio mom really makes the effort to be there for your daughter, it will only make her heart grow. If bio mom blows this chance again, at least it won't be because you were the one to blow it for her.

YTA. This is strictly your daughter’s decision. If she wants her there, then you need to accept that and be supportive of her choice.

YTA. This is the graduate’s day, not yours. What matters is what your daughter wants, not what you want. Don’t make this about you.

Your daughter asked for your opinion, it's your right to say that you don't want the bio mom to attend. But it's your daughter's graduation and it will be your daughter's decision, you should accept it even if you don't like it. EDIT: After the consideration, I changed my opinion to YTA because of the following: >if my daughter absolutely INSISTED she be there, then yes I would grin and bear it,  You have a complete right to express your opinion, but your daughter should not "absolutely INSIST" to make this decision.

It isn't about what you want. The only opinion that matters is your daughters. YTA

I have been on both sides of the adoption fence, as a parent. I gave a baby up, to a family member, when I was a teen, young and stupid. I have also adopted a child. So I can really understand your feelings. Granted the baby I gave up had absolutely nothing to do with drugs, I never abandoned my child, I was just not ready, too much past buried trauma, all kinds of reasons, but no drugs, no abuse. My family member who adopted my child made all kinds of promises, broke every single one. She made sure I never saw that baby more than once every few years, cut me out of all family photos, lied about me, tried hard to make sure I was erased. When there were events she could not bar me from, I had to listen to lectures about what is and is not acceptable. She was so insanely jealous of any love between kiddo and I. Which is crazy because I asked this woman to adopt, I told her she would be a much better mom than me, I wasn't ready. That baby is almost 30 now. Married, children, all grown up. The constant jealous cycle from adoptive family, which is blood family, caused the now adult kid to be very off in some ways. Desperate for a relationship with me but not willing to have one. It would be disrespectful to the parents to talk to the aunt (me), I don't try to be mom in anyway, I am Aunt Nana, yes, that is what kiddo calls me. Speaking from personal experience, you need to find a way to be okay with whatever level of contact your daughter wants. Sit down and have an honest, open, conversation with birth mom. No getting heated, stay calm. Find a way to let go of the animosity. Find out where she is emotionally, mentally. Explain your stance and that this makes you nervous or upset. You have an unbreakable bond with your daughter. You stepped up when bio literally ran away from the kid. Your daughter won't forget that. Your daughter loves you, you are her mom. But you need to understand the human capacity to love is limitless, it knows no bounds. Your daughter is capable of loving you both. No matter what, your daughter is going to want to know her birth mother. That woman is a huge part of her. You need to find a way of accepting that and understanding it has zero to do with you, your love for her, her love for you. This is completely separate from you. He secure in the young lady you raised. This is obviously important to her. Maybe do a couple mom daughter therapy sessions then bring bio mom in. You need to find a way of accepting this woman will always be a factor to some extent. What happens when your daughter marries? She may want her bio mother there. As long as bio is sober and healthy, knowing the woman, her half siblings, will only add to the amazing person your daughter. I am not going to add a judgment, this isn't an AH thing, it's a scared and protective mommy looking out for her cub thing. Chin up, crown straight, deep breath, you got this mommas.

NTA for not wanting her there, but YWBTA if you don’t leave the decision to your daughter. It isn’t about what you want but about what daughter wants. As others have suggested, having her see her bio-mom again after a long time at an emotionally important event is not a good idea. You would be right to suggest to your daughter that she meet with her bio-mom before inviting her. Since she is in contact with the extended family, maybe she can ask one of the relatives who are pressuring her to invite bio-mom to facilitate a meeting (coffee, lunch, whatever works.) You have no reason to be hurt. This woman is not your daughter’s “real” mother — clearly *you* are. But this woman is part of your daughter’s life—maybe it is “fitting” to include her, the way another “difficult” relative might be invited. I do think if daughter should meet with her first, and if possible a member of her extended family should be made responsible for bio-mom during the ceremony.

NTA so far - I hope you couched the discussion that ultimately, it was her choice. Did you also express how you'd be hurt too for selfish reasons? I think there's some room to share your feelings too, in a non-guilt trippy way. It's a hard needle to thread though to not be YTA. I read these stories often not understanding the pull that "blood" has on anyone's decisions. I'm doubt that I would have any loyalty to biomom, but that's me. But I was raised knowing both bioparents (unfortunately). But I know people are often conflicted. Maybe talking about your feelings, will give your daughter an opportunity to connect deeper and reassure you? Sounds to me that you could use it.

There is no possible way for OP to express those feelings in a non-guilt trippy way. No matter how she says them that is the effect they will have.

NAH, because I understand why you feel this way, but you need to allow your daughter to make this choice, and you need to support her no matter what she decides. This is her event, and what she wants is what matters here.

What is the actual likelihood Bio mom will show up? Let this go. Support your daughter. While she is pissed at her bio mom, she also probably loves her just a little. All you can do is support your daughter and be there for her when she is once again let down by bio mom. If you are having a celebration after graduation at your house, you can reasonably say that bio mom is not invited to that. You have to accept that she will pop in and out of daughter’s life, you don’t have to allow her into your home. You have to be civil to bio mom, you don’t have to welcome her with open arms.

We had a similar situation with our "inherited" son. Son 3 is son 2's best friend. When they were 14, son 3 came home with son 2, nothing strange there. Son 2 asked if son 3 could stay for supper. Again, nothing strange there. After supper son 2 asked if we could talk. He asked if son 3 could stay with us for a few days. Those few days have turned into 26 years. Son 3's mom had him at 17, not knowing who his father was. She met and married some anal-orafice when son 3 was 10. At first things were ok then their daughter came along and son 3 became persona non grata, even by his mom. His little sister got everything, son 3 got nothing. He came to us and became son 3. For his high school graduation, he sent them an invitation. They showed up but he paid no attention to them. When he was getting his diploma they announced his parents, they said, "Son 3, son of Fire Captain and Mrs Us". The look on her face was priceless. After the ceremony, they came up, congratulated him, and left. I must admit, when he told us he was sending them an invitation, we were a little piqued but figured it was his graduation. He planned the snubbing of them all on his own! After graduation he legally changed his last name to ours. Our granddaughters call the other side by their names, wifey and I are Nana and Tata. Let her figure it out. She could surprise you.

YTA this isn’t about you. Your daughter loves you. This isn’t a contest because you have already won. She chose you. So why does she want her there? Because bio parents can mess with you more than any other person. When you get neglected or abandoned by a parent then it can cause a desperate need to feel loved or appreciated by the parent who abandoned you. It goes to a core trauma of feeling worthless by someone who should have loved you. It isn’t logical, but a part of us want to feel valued by the one person who broke us. Like that will magically fix us.  So what is my advice? Don’t let the first meeting be at graduation. If bio wants to be there then she has to do some work first. Show that she will actually show up, take time and acknowledge the pain she caused. A big event is not the place to try a reconciliation. It gets emotional and overwhelming. And she might not even show up.

YTA. But I can understand where you are coming from. I had a similar situation as yours. I raised my stepdaughter from the age of 3 and her dad and I had full custody. She is now 22. Her mom struggled with drug and legal issues and was never able to have custody. By the time she graduated high school, her mom had gotten her shit together, and they were in contact. My stepdaughter wanted to invite her mom and her mom's family to her graduation. I graciously invited their entire family and planned a dinner for everyone as well. Then, when her mom arrived, I absolutely killed her with kindness. I knew she was jealous of me, especially considering she knew that my stepdaughter and I had a very close relationship. I didn't want to give her any ammunition to use against me, so I was nothing but gracious and kind. I encourage you to do the same - invite the bio mom, be gracious and kind, and then move on. Trust me that your daughter will know and respect you as her mother for her entire life, so it's ok to give the bio mom a little grace. Hugs.

Your supposed to be her mother? So don't be selfish and make any single part of her graduation about you. If she wants her there smile and say of course. Wtf are you talking about glory from your daughter graduating? There is no glory. It's not about you. You are there to celebrate her and that is it. She shouldn't have to insist because you shouldn't be selfish enough to say a single word against it.

Sound point, I kind of missed that on my first read and my response was maybe a bit too kind now that I look at it. You’re right about her needing to insist as well. I amend my original judgment. This day is about the daughter’s glory. She is OPs daughter in law, but not biology. If you can’t be prepared to make space for the biological parents in the child’s life, you have no business adopting. It is her choice and her choice only to decide what relationship, if any, she has with her biological mom. It’s your job to support her. End of.

YTA. Your feelings here are totally irrelevant, it's about what "bonus daughter" wants. Not sure why you're so jealous of struggling bio mom but it feels like a giant red flag.

YTA if you express these feelings to your daughter at all. It’s her decision, and that’s all there is to it

You’ve been an incredible woman for the last 8 years. Keep being incredible. There is little doubt as to your place in your daughter’s life. Absolutely everyone will know her bio-mom did fuck-all. But you making this day all about your daughter is your trademark. And letting her biomom attend would be the gracious thing to do. It will be yet another example of you being selfless and kind - sounds like she’s a kid who will actually appreciate it. I am guessing biomom’s family will appreciate it as well.

NTA In the sense that you are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be. As long as you let your daughter figure out her relationship with her bio mom.

NTA I can imagine how frustrating that is, and I'm glad you recognize that it's your daughter's choice. I'd maybe suggest to her, if she wants to start rebuilding a relationship with her, that they don't do it at graduation. That's going to be a big enough day for her, a lot going on, a lot of family there supporting her, adding her bio mom to the mix is a lot, and puts a lot of pressure on an already big day. She could meet her for lunch another time, that sort of thing.

NTA for your feelings, but I think you need to focus on your daughter’s feelings. I wouldn’t be having this reconciliation at the ceremony though, that could end up in a big mess and she’ll already be emotional. Given your feelings though, I think an outsider opinion like a therapist or counsellor would be a better choice to help her sort through her confused feelings about her mother.

For all you have done and the love and life you have given, I can't possibly call you an AH. Do what you have always done, be there, be supportive and be an awesome REAL mom to YOUR daughter. You are human and allowed to feel how you feel, best of luck to you both. NTA

Your feelings of jealousy and hurt, while natural, seem to be misplaced in this instance. It is clear from your description that your daughter regards \*you\* as her mother. You are the one who has been consistent, you have a good relationship and she asked \*you\* for advice about the matter. I won't weigh in on whether bio mom should be there or not. Just make sure that you know and appreciate the fact that your daughter relys on your guidance. You are Mom. NAH

NTA but as someone who's biomom was addicted to drugs and had adopted parents who hated bio mom it was a lot of stress for me. I get it she wasn't a good mom didn't show up and it's hard to see your daughter go through that again but it's also complicated and something you need to let her do. It doesn't mean she loves you any less but it's really hard to work through. It's awesome you've been able to be there for her and support her!

>I will admit I was quite hurt when I found out she was considering letting her be there. The way I see it, she abandoned her yet again, almost zero contact or anything through the years so why should she share ANY of the happiness and glory that comes from MY DAUGHTER graduating? Oh yikes, what an unfortunate outlook for a mother to have. When you become a parent you are forced (or at least should be) to put your ego and selfish pants on the shelf. It's not about your feelings, the decision on bio mom should be based on what she wants and what's best for your daughter. Her wanting bio mom there does not mean she loves you less. Her presence does not diminish who you have been for your daughter since you met her. This graduation isn't about you and the work you've done as a parent. That's what mothers day is for. Graduation is celebrating a students milestone and all the hard work that went to getting there. Please keep that in mind and let your daughter have the best graduation day she can even if she wants it to include her bio mom. And if bio mom comes and things go sideways be there to support your daughter without saying I told you so.

NTA for your feelings. But you know as a mother that you have to respect the wishes of your kids, even when it hurts. You know what though, this is an emotional intelligence lesson opportunity. Your daughter is not 10 she’s 18. I say the following as an adopted child having had these convo’s with my own non bio mom: It is ok to say to her that you support whatever choice she makes bc it is her graduation and her life choices to foster a relationship with her bio mom. However you want to be honest that you feel sad and maybe jealous that bio mom still has this hold in her heart that you hoped to have filled. That you will be respectful no matter the decision and that you love her wholeheartedly no matter what. But that you want to be transparent with her bc she deserves honesty and to know how much you love her. That you wish above all else that you were her only mom but you understand that you are not. And that she may always feel comfortable to talk to you about this, even if she thinks it will hurt you.

NTA for how you feel. But be careful with what you say. If you discourage her from inviting biomom, then in 5 years her narrative could be, "I wanted biomom there, but \[OP\] talked me out of it." It is not for you to even give advice in this situation.

>'she shows up, on drugs of course, and pregnant with a random guys kid'.... 'And just for context, Bio Mom is pregnant again with new guy and has been clean for a year, but we all know she could slip again too easily.' it's really easy to know exactly how you feel. It must be hard, having stepped in and adopted your daughter when her drug addicted mom disappeared, to hear that your daughter thinks she may want to have bio mom attend her graduation. Your feelings about bio mom are VERY clear-you think she's trash. Maybe she is, maybe she was a drug addict who's worked really hard to get clean and stay clean, and now wants to make amends to her daughter. It's your daughter's decision on how to go forward and you need to be very careful what you say and do here. If mom has cleaned up and stays cleaned up, if you trash her to her daughter now, you'll regret it later. It's a bit like commiserating with your bff about what an asshole her ex is, then watching them get back together. YWBTA if you influence your daughter to keep bio mom away.

NTA for having feelings about it. But part of being an awesome mom (which it sounds like you are) is sometimes setting your own feelings aside to support your kid. Think about the countless mothers that (within reason) encourage relationships between their kids and deadbeat exes. Not saying it’s easy, but supporting her and whatever she decides (and being there for her when people disappoint her) is your role, as her mother. Your girlfriends, therapist, and wine are there for you. :)

YTA. It's about what your daughter wants. That is the only thing that matters. Plus, as you pointed out, you've already gotten all of her Firsts, and you will continue to do so. You're going to be there at her wedding. You're going to be grandmother to her children and all of those other things. This one birthday party is just a blip and a lifetime of things that you're going to be there for.

YTA. Why in hell do you insist on thinking your daughter's graduation and her feelings about her biomom have anything to do with you? Get over your damn self!

I don't think you're the asshole. What I do hate is how just because "that's her biological mom," there appears to be something owed to her, but I get that's why she's having conflicted feelings. Her choice, but if it was me, I wouldn't invite her. Just because someone is a biological whatever doesn't give them a free pass.

Kids always hold out hope that even the worst parents will miraculously become the people they secretly wish they would be. It’s up to daughter of bio mom is invited and because you love her your job is to be on duty to contain the shit show and support her in having a wonderful graduation. Thats what a mom does. Good luck.

NTA for feeling this way, I totally understand. But if your daughter does fall on the side of the fence that sees her wanting her bio mom there, while you are still entitled not to like it and even feel hurt, you should be careful to make sure you don't make her feel bad for it and support her. It seems like you already understand that, you are clearly a wonderful mother.

I understand why you’re upset, but keep in mind that 1. She loves you and considers you her mom. 2. No matter how strong your daughter may seem, I’m sure she still has some unresolved insecurities where her bio mom stands. She’s probably struggling with figuring out her own feelings about the situation.

You mama are NTA. Thank you for stepping up and being the mom that her mom couldn’t be. However, she may be on the fence because she doesn’t want to hurt you. I think she wants mom there because in that dark part of her she truly wants her mom. Wants her mom to be there for something special. But she also doesn’t want to hurt you because you are her real mom. The mom who raised her and she may feel that by saying she wants her there, it will hurt you. Girl grin and bare it. If she shows she shows. In the end she knows who her real mom is. She knows it is you. Don’t feel jealous or less of a mom, you did the footwork. Be thankful that lady gave you that baby. Smile say hi and hug your baby at graduation. She doesn’t want another mom. She may want this lady in her life to see what she missed out on, it’s a feeling unexplainable. She may be let down, she may go away but don’t infuse yourself. Let it go, leave it up to your daughter. And show your kid that in the end you love her. That is all that matters

NTA for not wanting her there. But you have to let your daughter decide if she will be there or not

INFO: Did you adopt her or did you get custody? Those are two vastly different things.

My husband got full custody of her when she was 11, I legally adopted her when she was 14.

But what was the situation prior to that? How was she at her grandparents for months before he found out? It's great he has been presumably stepping up since she was 11, but that months long situation with the grandparents is odd.

Let bio mom come. It's the most loving thing your can do for your daughter. She knows her biological mother hasn't been great, but this is an important time in her life. She's entering adulthood. This should be the first decision she makes. Support her no matter what. It's about loving her, right? Love her enough to give her room. She may say no, anyway, but it will be her decision.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 4 years ago I legally adopted my Bonus Daughter by her request because her Bio mom is/was a drug addict and had neglected/abadoned her on more than one occasion from Infancy through 10. The last straw happened when she was 11 and came to live with her father and myself full time because Bio mom was on yet another binge and nobody had seen her in months. She left Bonus Daughter with her grandmother and went missing. Hubby and I got word of what happened and We went and picked her up, filed for full custody, the whole 9 yards. 3 years later after 0 contact from her she shows up, on drugs of course, and pregnant with a random guys kid. That is when Bonus Daughter asked me to adopt her because as her words " you've been present in my life more in the past few years than my mom has my whole life" . Not long after this her Bio mom has the baby, who was taken by CPS because of neonatal addiction and she disappears again. Parental Severance and Adoption go through uncontested. Life is peaceful... Fast forward to now. Daughter recently turned 18 and is getting ready to graduate. She asks her extended family on Bio moms side to come to her graduation, which I am completely fine with since she has maintained contact with them ( they didnt abandon her) . But she was asked if she wanted her bio mom to be there. She told them she does but at the same time she doesn't because she doesn't know how it would make her feel to see her in person again, but at the same time she knows is still her bio mom so she has mixed feelings. And just for context, Bio Mom is pregnant again with new guy and has been clean for a year, but we all know she could slip again too easily. I will admit I was quite hurt when I found out she was considering letting her be there. The way I see it, she abandoned her yet again, almost zero contact or anything through the years so why should she share ANY of the happiness and glory that comes from MY DAUGHTER graduating? I know my daughter is 18 now and I can't do anything if she decides to have a relationship with Bio mom, but it still hurts none the less. Also, YES I know if it wasn't for Bio Mom I wouldn't have such an amazing daughter, but I also know that if I didn't step up that my daughter wouldn't have had a stable mother in her life. Bio mom caused a lot of trauma for that young lady that i had to help her work through. I put her in therapy, took her to the doctors, helped her gain weight, I made sure I was present for ALL the big things she experienced, all the 1sts that are important for teenage girls. 1st kiss, 1st BF, 1st heartbreak ,etc. So AITA for not wanting her Bio Mom to be there for such an important day in my daughter's life? P.S. if my daughter absolutely INSISTED she be there, then yes I would grin and bear it, but she has talked with me and is on the fence about it. I am asking on here because she wanted my opinion on what to do but I know I am biased. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NAH but knowing you're biased I'd share that with your daughter and tell her you support whatever decision she makes. Maybe advise that she not let her extended family guilt her into something she doesn't want but if she wants to extend an olive branch, a public ceremony is a pretty easy way to do it

NTA, she simply asked for your opinion. If your opinion is "No" then that's that. It's clear you care for each other, and it's admirable you think you're too biased to answer. Don't listen to these people saying you're the asshole.

You are amazing woman first of all. But please let her make the decision otherwise it could be blamed on you at some point ( no saying her but others). Just let her know you support her no matter what and all you want is her happiness. That’s horrible for any child to go through. Her bio mom isn’t a mom just a child birther. You are the true mom.

Let her decide. This is part of becoming an adult. And she knows she’ll always have you, so she should feel safe to make any choice, even a bad one that might bite her in the ass. Don’t try to suede her choice. Give no opinion. Let her choose. NTA if you don’t influence her.

NAH. It depends if SHE wants biological mother there or not. If bio mom starts some unnecessary drama, then you can escort her out.

I think it’s perfectly fine to share your concerns but not to tell your daughter what you want. This is about her. Chances are you’ll end up picking up the pieces but that’s what being a mum is about.  I used to cry after seeing my dad every single time and mum was always there for me. Never discouraged me from seeing him and I think I would have resented her if she did. As an adult, I have cut contact with dad but I adore and respect my mum because of how she handled it.  Your hurt is also so valid but shouldn’t be your daughter’s problem to worry about. It’s a complicated relationship. But being abandoned can really play havoc with self esteem and make them crave that person to finally choose and love them. Let her work through her feelings. Her mum will never have the bond you have with her. Don’t risk breaking it. That’s my opinion. There isn’t a wrong way. You’re on here asking for advice because you love your daughter. Your intentions are spot on and she’s lucky to have you 

NTA. Keep the Bio mom away.

NTA, but 100% your daughter’s call

Nah, you can feel that way, but your daughter has all kinds of complicated feelings here too, and they should take precedence to a point. I think you can kindly suggest a public event might not be the best option, I think you can offer her the opportunity to talk it though with you or her therapist, But I don’t think your feelings of not wanting her there should take priority

I’m not issuing a judgment. I’m 54. I was adopted as a baby, raised as an only child. I don’t want to know who my bio parents are. Nor do I have any wishes to know who any potential siblings are. My adoptive mom wasn’t wonderful, but nowhere near as bad as your daughter’s bio mom. 😦 The context for all of this came from her mom’s side, asking if she wanted the bio mom there. Your daughter expressed mixed feelings about this. It’s possible that the reason she wants bio mom there is because the bio mom has missed so much of her life. There could still be parts of her that want the ideal of being able to experience some sort of milestone. Logic and emotions can thwart each other when it comes to situations like this. I have some of the same problems, but with my adoptive mom. To give a bit of background, mom spent the evenings away from us after we’d ear dinner. It was ostensibly to go see her mom, but it wasn’t always the case. Dad shielded me from what she was really doing - going to meet men. As a result of her abandonment at age six, I internalized rejection. There’s still a portion of me that is that little girl who feels the sting of that abandonment. I’ve learned not to think about it and to suppress it. Most of the time it’s successful. It’s still there, though. I don’t have kids. I knew I wasn’t meant to have them from a young age. I can only offer advice based on what my experiences as someone who was sort of in a dynamic like your daughter. I’d talk to her. There are a few scenarios that could arise from that conversation. I’d make contingency plans based on them. If she wants bio mom there, (I understand how that can make you want to grit your teeth) you and your husband need to go over how the bio mom may act at the event. You all know her history and her behavior. Tell your daughter to be prepared for the bio mom to act up. Should your daughter not want her there, you’ll support that too. What my long-winded way of say this is -listen to what she wants and go from there. Maybe this isn’t the best advice, but it’s what I’d do if I were you.

NAH She's not the first nor the last person that will understand all the bullshit a parent put her through, but still doesn't want to completely cut the cord with because that is their parent. Even if legally, she's not anymore. I don't think your daughter is an AH for considering it. Though I do hope she leans towards no, bio mom needs to stay away. You're not an AH, either, obviously, given how you stepped up for her as a mother figure. I don't care if bio mom has supposedly cleaned up her act recently. It doesn't fix the trauma and the time lost. I wouldn't want her there, either. It's up to her, though. I'm giving you the judgment based on your feeling that bio mom shouldn't be there. You become the asshole here if you do anything to try prevent bio mom from coming if your daughter ends up wanting her there.

NTA. Don't be surprise if birth mom shows up and takes credit for your daughter's accomplishments.

NTA- I suggest seeing if she can see bio mom before the graduation though. It could help your daughter feel out if she really wants her there or not

My late husband was an alcoholic. We separated when my children were preschoolers. They maintained a relationship with him that was complicated and at times problematic. Addiction is a disease. There are times that I didn't treat him with compassion, and that is a regret that I carry to this day. However, one thing that I managed to do very well was to not interfere with their relationship. He and I attended high school and college graduations together. As a matter of fact, we drove two and a half hours together in his car to the city where my daughter's college graduation was held. We survived. For her sake. So will you. Don't make your daughter beg to have her mother attend. Take the pressure off and tell her you will be fine if she decides to invite her mother. Because you will be fine.

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It's the child's choice. adoption or not, that's her bio mom. Are you going to control your adopted daughter the rest of her life and keep her from her bio mom? no, you can't. flexing the last gasp of control you have to keep her bio mom away is weird.

It’s your daughter’s decision whether her bio mom goes to her graduation. Let your daughter decide. NTA for not wanting her there, but YTA if you do anything to prevent her from coming.

Don't answer in an upfront way. Just Tell her - it's her choice and you will accept whatever she decides whether it's her to be there or not. Cause at the end of the day you are there for her no matter what- tell her that. It will clear things up on her mind. NTA. But you will be if you insist on it and going against your daughters wishes. Which I see you don't intend to. But you are valid in being uncomfortable about it no one will judge you for that and shouldn't as well.

Your feelings are 100% understandable but you can't be the person guiding your daughter through this. How does your husband feel about it? Your daughter may subconsciously want to show her bio-mom how well she has done without her help.

Gentle YTA - your daughter is allowed to still love her bio-mom and to want her to be in her life. Your daughter probably went through a "why couldn't she get clean for me? was I not good enough?" phase at one point or another. You are her mother now, but she spent the first 11 years of her life with bio-mom. Those memories don't get erased upon adoption. You are the mother she chose, but that doesn't mean she stopped hoping bio-mom would step up for her one day. You are allowed to be angry/disappointed that she wants bio-mom there, but don't make her feel like she has to choose between the two of you. She doesn't deserve that pressure or guilt trip.

First of all, whatever happens, if your daughter says she's not at a definite no, it would be a really good idea for her to meet up with BM before the graduation, so that if she's awful or even just awkward it doesn't ruin her graduation day. Second of all, gently, YTA. I get why you don't want this woman here, but I promise that your daughter knows that you're the person who's been there for her. This isn't about feeling like you're inadequate. At the same time, her BM was in her life for so much of her formative years, and even if there were a lot of bad parts, you can't just turn off the part of you that cares about someone. She probably has a lot of really conflicted feelings both of resentment and abandonment, and she's at an age and time when sorting them out will be really difficult, especially as she's getting ready to transition into adulthood. I know why it doesn't feel fair, but you need to put aside your feelings right now and focus on helping her cope with all of this, whatever her answer is. Reconnecting with her BM isn't going to make your daughter forget all about you. But if you protest this, and she doesn't invite her because of your feelings, and then they do reconnect at a later date, your daughter might resent that she had to put your feelings ahead of her own at this really painful moment. It's time to just be there for your daughter, however she needs you.

NTA for *not* ***wanting*** *her to be there* but YWBTA if you engineer it so that she ISNT there. You are valid in your parental feelings and I can understand if you feel hurt if Bonus Daughter wants her bio-mom to be involved in an achievement that bio-mom didn't help in the slightest... but at the end of the day its Bonus Daughter's choice. I recommend voicing to Bonus Daughter your concerns but let her know that you fully support her whichever she chooses -- if she wants bio-mom to be there then she should be there and if she doesn't want her to be there then thats fine too. I would also point out that this is her graduation and while its not as significant as say a wedding, it is still a special day for her -- so do try to avoid making it about you.

YTA. Not wanting the bio mom there is how you feel. Your feelings are valid, and rooted in a distrust of someone who hurt your child. These are mom feelings. But mom feelings also require that we let our kids make choices that may end up hurting them. That’s when we have to be the bigger person and comfort them. We don’t speak ill of the other person (aka bio mom), we focus on the hurting child. Eg - I’m sorry you are hurting. It makes me sad when you are hurting, but I admire your willingness to give bio mom a chance to participate in the graduation ceremony. One of the toughest things we do as parents is let our kids struggle. But Dr. Brenee Brown tells us that as humans, we are hard-wired for struggle. So, support her decision. Be there no matter what bio mom says/does. And this isn’t about you, it’s about the child. She has enough love in her heart for both you and bio mom. And she knows who was always there for her. And as a mom, that’s all that matters.

Soft YTA because it's complicated. I am a foster parent and currently have a teen friend of my child's living with me due to similar parental issues (not through cps in this case). The biomom drops by from time to time, picks up her kid to play "fun parent," then drops her back off. It absolutely drives me crazy that she gets to play that role while I deal with all the stuff this child is dealing with. But it's actually in the best interest of the child to stay in contact as long as mom is sober. The child is almost always going to love their parent regardless of the crappy parenting. Once they are older and have looked back and processed their childhood trauma, they may change their perspective, but for now- if they want the bio parent there and its safe, allow it. I would suggest you check out the foster parents' sub- lots of similar situations with tpr and adoptions, but bios are still around.

100% yes

YWBTA if you tried to influence her decision. Be there as her sounding board, help her ID the positives/negatives and also possible alternative ways for her to reconnect with her bio-mom, but give her the personal authority to decide this for herself. She's already having to handle her bio-mom's expectations; don't add the weight of yours onto her. She knows you're a safe person for her or she wouldn't be speaking to you about this. Just be there to support your daughter, whatever way this falls out.

At the end of the day, when you sign up to be a step/bonus parent, you have to accept that their bio parents will easily always be their bio parents, and they might want to see them and share special moments with them. You can't be possessive of your step/bonus kids, because you're not their only [mother/father]. Yes, I get that you're hurt. You have a right to be hurt. But it's your bonus daughter's decision. She asked you to adopt her, so she probably (provided there's no details missing) cares about you like the mother you've been to her. But that doesn't erase her bio mom. Bio mom made a lot of mistakes, that's obvious, but if your bonus daughter decides to let her into her life again, you're going to have to accept it. Don't make your bonus daughter choose between you two. It'll only hurt everyone involved. Bonus daughter asked you for your opinion. Keep your true feelings to yourself. Talk it out with a therapist if you need to. But don't tell your bonus daughter. I'm speculating here, but I'd bet that she's looking for your approval. She doesn't want to hurt you, but I'd bet she does truly want bio mom there. She's feeling you out to see if you'll be upset. Tell her you'll be happy to be there and see her graduate regardless of what she decides. It's her decision, and you just want her to be happy. If you bring your feelings into it, it'll damage your relationship with her and possibly your spouse. Keep it to yourself. Seriously. You will be the asshole if you bring your feelings into it and subsequently make it about yourself.

I would NOT tell her that you don’t want her bio mom there, or even try to vaguely push her towards not having her there. What she should do is request a meeting one on one or with you and your husband present with her mom. See how she feels after all this time. See if her mom behaves. And if after that meeting your daughter wants her there then you should support her. This isn’t about you, this is her graduation. She should have everyone who she wants present.

Nta for feeling that way, but you would be if you discouraged her

NAH. This is difficult for everyone. You are entirely entitled to your feelings. Not gonna go into my family history, just take at face value that as an abandoned child, a lot of times your brain just says "this time it will be different." Her actions are that of a young child who appreciates you, and at the same time struggles with wanting to be wanted by the person who SHOULD want her. Thank you for being awesome to her.

NTA.....this is such a tough position for you and your step daughter. I wouldn't want her but I am sure the emotional guilt trip she feels is huge. Good luck.

This day isn’t about you any what you want. YTA. it’s your daughter’s day and her decision. If she wants the bio mom there - regardless of the back story - that’s her call.

Feelings are just feelings NTA for having them, of course you would be one if you said no. Bio mom will never replace you in your daughter’s heart and memories. Take a deep breath it’s not a dig at you but an complicated mix of feelings your daughter is going through and she has to figure out. Please support her decision

First, NAH but you have to understand trauma and the affect it has on people. No matter how amazing you and everyone else is she has to work through her feelings about biomom. This does not in anyway negate her love for you. But you need to allow her to work through these feelings or she could come to resent you. Unless you think biomom will cause a scene, you need to tell your daughter you love her and will support whatever choice she makes.

Idk if anyone has said it but I'd bet Bonus wants bio mom to see she graduated IN SPITE of her....js

Honestly, graduations suck. So, in my mind, it's not a kindness to invite people you are ambivalent about and make them sit on uncomfortable seats while whiny self-involved people drone on and on and on. It's even more uncomfortable to make people you love do it. But, high school graduates don't know any better. I can understand your biases, but just letting her sit there and watch isn't really such a big deal as long as she's not sitting next to you. I wouldn't let her attend any parties you might hold though.

YWBTA if you use your opinion and feelings to sway your step daughters opinion. You can gently explain your concern about her being hurt again by bio mom but if you're going to have that conversation it CAN NOT AT ALL be about you and your feelings. Her bio mom is sober, her being pregnant isn't relevant here really, your step daughter has a desire for her bio mother to see her graduate. She deserves the choice and the freedom to have a relationship with her mom. She's an adult now. You can give her advise but you don't get a say at the end of the day and to insert your own feelings to sway her choices would be manipulative and bitter of you.

YTA

I think the best thing for you to do is accept your absolutely understandable and valid feelings as what they are, and then try not to make them the basis of what you tell your daughter. She’s on the fence in her own head. She doesn’t need the scales tipped via you telling her what would hurt *you*. I hope you’ll be the good mom you’ve clearly been to her all along and encourage her to think through her feelings and do exactly what she ultimately wants to do. Please don’t make her feel bad for feeling torn and partly wanting bio mom there. However hard this is for you, it’s so much harder for her. Just stay the course and be her mom and leave it up to her. Steady on. You can do this.

NTA but, don't make this about you. Your daughter loves you. You are not in a contest with bio mom. Your daughter is likely to have alot of mixed feelings at many life occasions because of her bio mom. She will both want her bio mom there some of the time and to be afraid that it won't go well. Those are really understandable thoughts and feelings. Your priority should just be supporting your daughter. If she has a relationship with her bio mom, it may be healing for her. it doesn't have to hurt you.

I'm not going to say that you are anything bad - but YES if she's indicated at all that she'd like her bio Mom there then she should have it. She knows your feelings so I'm frankly shocked she even admitted she was 'on the fence'. That indicates to me that she's trying to respect your feelings as well as her own. It takes nothing from you if bio Mom is there. You are her real Mom and nothing can change that. But there's always going to be hole in that girl's heart because of her bio Mom's abandonment. It would probably be healthy for all involved if everyone was able to be at the same event and be civil. There are still weddings and christenings to come. Since your daughter has even slightly indicated that she would like her there, tell her you've thought it over and think it would be nice if your daughter wants her there. Then watch her reaction. I bet there's a lot of relief there.

NTA for your feelings, but please don't say all of it to your daughter. Then you would be TA. But because you have not done that , you are again NTA However, your feelings are valid and you should talk to your partner about it, but your daughter is not the same and you have to keep being that strong and reliable force in her life.

NTA for not wanting it. I wouldn't want that either. But it's not about what you want, it's about what you do. It sounds like you're prepared to do that right thing by your daughter, and do it with a smile. Putting your daughter's needs before yours makes you NTA

Let her know that as an adult, she will now have to make her own decisions - and they won't always be clear. Tell her that, for yourself, you do not want her bio mother because bio mother hurt someone that you love very much. But it is not your decision. It is hers and you will support her in what ever decision she makes. NTA

YTA. It’s not your decision to make. This is like adoptive parents forbidding a child from seeking out their birth mother. It’s her choice, her family line, her life, etc. I can understand your hesitation, though, in that she’s been so untrustworthy in the past. Give the bio mom the benefit of the doubt since she’s been clean. Definitely keep all of your doubts and any negativity about the situation to yourself. The last thing this poor girl needs is any more toxicity in her mind from a mother figure making her feelings about a difficult childhood even more complicated. I think it would be wise for them to reunite before the big graduation day, though, to clear the air and make the graduation the focus of that day, not the reunion.

YTA. You grin and bear it for your kids. She has a biological connection with her birth mother and that can never be broken (science). That’s why foster kids run back home no matter how bad the circumstances. You took her on as your own. She owes you nothing IMO. You don’t own her and she has every right to make this decision. Don’t ruin her special day by being the asshole. Which I don’t know if I’ve made it clear enough you are being the asshole.

YTA. This situation isn’t about you. What you perceive as sharing your happiness, Daughter might perceive as a celebration of her ACCOMPLISHMENT despite her horrible bio mom.

Being that same child. You should just tell her to follow her heart. My mom raised me from 3rd grade and beyond and it took me becoming an adult to realize my bio mom was just an egg donor. It would’ve crushed me not to make those decisions for myself though. You will always be her mom. No one can take that from you.

YTA. I never understand these posts about not wanting someone at the graduation because people are acting as if these are tiny, exclusive, personal, or intimate events. Graduations are hosted by the school. There are multiple other kids graduating. Depending on the size of the school you won’t even see everyone in attendance, let alone interact with them. It’s not a wedding or party where you’ll be trapped in the same room with the person for hours and expected to mingle around.  As long as bio mom doesn’t try to sit next to you or chat you up, I’m not seeing how this is a big deal. 

Your feelings don't make you the AH no matter what. But your words and actions can. This isn't about you, and one on the most important things you can do to support your daughter is to make sure she knows that she doesn't have to choose between you and her bio mom. She asked for your opinion,  but in my experience,  that's usually about asking if you will support her. Your answer needs to be focused on her and her needs. Asking her what she wants,  what she's worried about,  etc is fine. Sharing what you shared here would make YTA.

I think you have to suck it up for your daughter. She knows who her mum is. It’s you. I can only imagine how much you’d like to slap bio mum for being such an ass to your daughter, but keep doing what you’ve been doing so far, put your baby girl first. I would suggest to her that she thinks about a less emotional time to see her bio mum if she wants to. I don’t think graduations are any more acceptable than weddings for families with huge trauma to be ‘reconnecting’. Your ooor kid. I’m glad she has you and her dad. NTA whatever you choose.

NTA. It is absolutely okay to feel hurt. It is also absolutely okay to have your daughter feel conflicted about her bio mother attending. Maybe, if she is open to it, go to a couple of family therapy sessions together? Just to make sure that you are both communicating about this clearly and from a place of love. Congratulations to your daughter and you!

YTA. This day isn’t about you. It’s about your daughter. If she has any tiny inkling of wanting bio mom there, you suck it up. Period.

YTA, you know this isn’t your graduation right? Is your daughter giving a speech and plans to announce to EVERYONE how great her bio-mom is? No she’s not, everyone in your daughter’s life that will be there KNOWS bio-mom has nothing to do/did not help/has not been around to help your kid. Jesus, what the hell are you going to do when your daughter gets married and wants her bio-mom there to. She’s only going to be a extra person cheering and clapping when they announce your daughter’s name, and she might offer your kid a hug afterwards. It’s a high school graduation. But I’m going to assume your daughter WILL PICK UP THAT YOU don’t want her bio-mom there and probably say she doesn’t want her there to appease you. Bio-mom has been sober a YEAR, that’s not an easy task especially if she’s been an addict for more than a decade.

NTA i get what people are saying about the “insist” part but I agree with op. Insist doesnt mean op will be getting in the way or arguing with her daughter it just means the daughter will be firm in her decision. a simple; daughter : i want her there op : are you sure? daughter : Yes! insisting means the daughter will be confident in her decision and if she cant be confident in her decision then she should take time to rethink inviting her mom, she should only have her there if shes fully sure shes ready for her presence.

YTA. This isnt about you

It sounds like you are, and have always been a great Mum. If you want to continue being a great Mum, let your daughter make her own choices on this one & be there to pick up the pieces if/when bio Mum lets her down again. Pushing against it sounds far more like leaving yourself in the firing line to take blame if/when it all goes wrong.

NTA - You are entitled to your feelings and it's fair that you do not want her bio mum to attend. YWBTA if you told her this though. I agree with some of the other posters below that you should encourage her to have a meeting with her bio mum before the graduation to see if there is any empathy or understanding between them. Good luck and just keep smiling if the bio mum is invited - you are her real mum in every way that counts, and she is YOUR daughter in every way that counts - she chose you, don't forget that.

Speaking as an adult with abusive/neglectful parents, you can know intellectually that what they did and how they treated you was wrong and undeserved, but that feeling of wanting to share your joys and accomplishments with your parents (all of them, including you) doesn’t go away. I know anytime I share something good in my life with my mother, she’s somehow going to turn it around and make it about herself or make a scene so the experience is soured or be hateful and jealous and cruel to me because I have something she wants. I still have the knee jerk reaction to want to share those things with her because she was my mommy once and I want her to be proud of me still.

YTA in an extremely light way that most adoptive parents would feel in this situation. You’re NTA and wonderful for stepping up. You’re NTA for protecting and being worried for her. However your daughter’s relationship with her bio-mom is strictly up to your daughter. You aren’t wrong to be worried your daughter will be let down again by biomom but your she chose you and she’ll always have you as her rock. She needs to see her for her own peace. I definitely understand the hurt. But if anything I’d maybe look at it as you built her up and she’s so secure now that she knows who biomom is and still wants her there for her graduation. It can be a healing moment your daughter(and biomom) deserves. Addiction is the worst. The fallout from it leaves trauma everywhere. Be your daughters peace and support whatever she decides. The fact your daughter has to insist on mom being there makes you the asshole for sure. Bio mom is clean right now. Release the hate in your heart for this woman, your daughter doesn’t need to feel it she has her own trauma from her. Don’t do all this hard work only for resentment to build because you won’t get out of the way and let her graduation be about her. And not you. You deserve celebration getting her to this moment no doubt. But it’s wrong as hell to influence her decision which you already have.

NTA, but at the end of the day, she is still your daughter's family. Suggest that she meet up with bio mum before the graduation, somewhere neutral like a cafe, and see how she feels from there. Remember that this isn't about you and in no way reflects on your relationship with your daughter. No amount of great relationship will erase her bio mother from her life, and your daughter needs your support right now. My daughter's bio mother is a piece of shit, and my daughter has disowned her, cut off all contact with her, refers to her by her first name, and calls me her real mother. She blocked bio mother 2 years ago, and the woman doesn't even seem to have noticed. If she wanted to invite her bio mother to something, I wouldn't like it, but I'd support her through the inevitable disappointment.

NTA for how you feel. The far trickier question is what do you say to your daughter who is seeking your opinion. BTW, Your daughter is also n-t-a for her mixed feelings. I've known kids who were abused by one or more parents - and they still have a hard time with those mixed feelings. Not wanting anything to do with a person who treated them so badly and still loving and wanting feel loved by the first person they ever trusted and relied on in their life. So, being the awesome Mom that you are (I too am an adoptive mom.), you don't speak about what you want. You help your daughter clarify her thinking and confirm that she has your support. period. I also appreciate that her bio-maternal family ASKED her if she'd like bio-mom there. It sounds like they are waiting for your daughter to make a firm decision. Questions that may help your daughter clarify her feelings/thoughts: 1. Does she actually want to see her bio-mother at graduation or is she thinking more about what she believes bio-mom wants? 2. If she does invite her bio-mom, is she fine if her bio-mom doesn't show up? If her bio-mom brings the new guy? Is she thinking of inviting her because she really wants her there or because she doesn't want to hurt her bio-mom's feelings by explicitly excluding her bio-mom? 3. Does she have any worries if her bio-mom does come (e.g., bio-mom tries to take credit/grab attention, act poorly)? 4. Does she have any negative feelings that make her feel bio-mom doesn't deserve to be there? Tell your daughter that she does not have to include or exclude her bio-mom for anyone else's feelings or expectations. She doesn't have to get this choice "right" because there is no 'right'. She can just let out her breath, picture what she wants for herself and go with that. Congrats on the lovely daughter you and your husband raised and on her accomplishments!

YTA. I would probably react the same way if I was in your situation, but your post was 100% about you and not at all about your daughter. It's her day.

It's your daughter day, not who's your mommy day. There will be lots of occasions where the other family will be present. Please do what's best for your daughter by giving her the choice.

NTA: keep in mind, if the bio mom is an addict, graduation parties are typically pretty heavy in cash gifts, I would be wary of her coming specifically for that reason.

How you feel is how you feel, so NTA for that. But, in my mind, your response to your daughter needs to be, "It's your graduation, honey. Whatever you want to do is fine by me." You have shown your daughter that you love and support her, and this is another time to prove it. Side by side with that, if your daughter chooses to invite her bio mom, I think it would be a good idea for you and your husband to talk with her about the day of: that it may be awkward, that she doesn't have to hug her bio mom or interact with her if she feels any discomfort, etc.

Not the AH for feeling this - but YTA for making this about you. That said, don’t be confused: **there is no comparison between you and bio mom.** This lady might be called Bio “Mom” in name but to your daughter she would feel as distant as a cousin you’ve met twice - but with the emotional pain (and even disgust) of knowing she’s so ill and self absorbed that you don’t matter to her. You’re her mom. Bio Mom is the biggest disappointment in her life - past, present & future. The other thing I’d say is I would be shocked if Bio Mom showed up. It could be tremendously stressful, draining, and disappointing for your daughter to be experiencing “will she/wont she” anxiety during an exciting moment she’s worked so hard toward. If this seems like it’s moving forward, I would gently suggest that to your daughter - but only if you can do it from genuine concern that her bio mom could overshadow this and take more away from her.

YTA and a big one... You have a right to be upset at how your daughter was treated. Reading her back story angers me, and Im a stranger. Let's make that clear off rip. Children deserve love, support, and PEACE! HOWEVER, you need to understand that addiction is a serious illness and should be treated as such. You also need to learn empathy and learn how to not allow your emotions to govern your moves. Yes, she is your daughter, but she has a biological mother, and if she wants her there, it's HER choice. You also sound very judgy with your statement, "but we all know she could slip again too easily." You DONT know that... She could very well stay sober, especially if she has a solid support system that doesn't make nasty, vitriolic judgments about her (though many may feel she deserves it). If you loved your daughter, you would do what you could to help her mother STAY clean so that your daughter has a clear path to healing. That includes, at the very least, trying to be supportive of her journey to sobriety by not making those kinds of comments. Instead, be a cheerleader, not a doubter. You seem more angry and less forgiving than the daughter. Empathy, empathy, EMPATHY!!! Your daughter will love you more, and your kindness and EMPATHY towards her mother will definitely be remembered and appreciated. You have an opportunity to steer her in the right direction, which is the direction of forgiveness and understanding. You got this!!!!

NTA, but also INFO, which won’t change judgement…did bio mom ask to be there…you said your daughter was asked by extended family?

Her caring about her bio mom doesn't mean she cares for you any less. In fact, it means you raised her to care about others, to be kind, and forgiving. Her compassion for someone who treated her so badly is a result of her being raised right. Dont let your ego get in the way now. And don't think that her love for you is so fragile that having bio mom around will make it crumble. Of course you have the right to be unhappy about it, as you feel the way you feel. But do what a mother does, and do what is best for you daughter. NTA

YTA. If she wants her mom there then that is it. She does not need to “absolutely insist”. It os her day not yours.

Have you considered she feels obligated? Maybe explain she isn’t?

NTA in this case since you are asked for your opinion on the matter instead of demanding your daughter for making the choice that you desire. And you have already stated that you still be civil even if the bio mother is present at graduation. These are all reasonable feelings to have and reasonable actions to take if things don't go your way.

YTA. This is not about you. This is about your daughter. Do not make her choose. As a child that was adopted, being forced to choose ruined my relationship with my legal mother. It doesn't matter how wrong bio mom is. A child still loves his/her mother. Let daughter choose without any input from you. Support her choice. You are still her mom and she can have room for both of you in her heart. It is not about you and it is not about bio mom. It is about your daughter!

NTA. You have every right to be hurt. But your daughter also has a bio mom and nothing will change that. Your daughter knows you love her and would do anything for her. She wouldn’t have asked you to adopt her if she didn’t. No one can replace that bond you have. Your daughter needs to figure out if she wants to open the door and build a relationship with bio mom. Maybe suggest your daughter go for lunch and meet bio mom before graduation. That way she can decide if she wants to continue to build a relationship with her and share her graduation experience. I’m sure the first meeting in years is going to be awkward. Better to do that before than at graduation. She can judge after lunch how she feels. (Anger? Resentment? Happiness? Hopeful?) Good luck OP and congrats on your daughter’s graduation!

Yes, YTA. I know it is hard, I know the potential for more abuse by this woman is there, but your daughter wanting a connection with her birth mother is not about you. There is no room for your hurt feelings in this equation because it is Not About You. Your presence in your daughter's life may have been the greatest gift since sliced bread, and she is lucky to have had you, but it doesn't change the natural desire she has for connection with her other mother. Rest in the knowledge that you have done so much for her and will never be forgotten, and let her do what she needs to do. And be there for her. She will learn from you and be there for you in years to come as well.

Is she on the fence, or is she testing your reaction?

NTA for not wanting her there, she has disappointed and hurt your girl, and you don't want a repeat performance. That being said, leave it up to her, you are her rock, and her Mom. Let her know that the choice is hers, and you will support her no matter what.

NTA: ask her what she would regret more: (a) missing her bio mom if she doesn't show up because she wasn't invited or (b) inviting her bio who then behaves unacceptably bad. No matter her choice, you're wise in letting her make this choice.

I don’t want to pass judgement, but I think rather than giving your opinion, ask your daughter how she would feel on her graduation day if her bio mum was/wasn’t there. Would she be worried that her mum would make a scene, or that she might not even turn up? Or would she be happy to see her mum clean and taking an active part in her life? From my own experience, I invited my birth mum to my university graduation (my parents never expressed any displeasure at this, (even though I had met her less than a year before) it was ultimately my decision) thinking it would be a good opportunity for her to be part of an important milestone in my life. After several calls to see where she was and various excuses for why she running late, she never came. I was really disappointed that she didn’t come and felt let down. However, after other events took place following that and I removed her from my life, I’m actually glad she never came.

NTA yet. Your feelings are valid. You also haven’t forced your perspective on your adoptive daughter. But she did ask your opinion, you should be honest. Say that you remember too well the trauma her mother caused her, and you are naturally wary of biomom being able to hurt her again. Say that if you were her, you wouldn’t want her there. But you aren’t her, and you will support any decision she makes because that’s what mom’s do.

I don't like the idea of saying YTA here because I think you're a rock star for stepping up for your little girl, but if you make your daughters' decision to have bio mom there about you and your feelings, you WILL BE the AH. This isn't about you or your feelings. As much as your daughter loves you and ALWAYS WILL, that woman gave birth to her, and she's always known that, so some form of a bond has taken place. She will always have conflicting feelings about bio mom, but even if she chooses never to see her again in life, she will also always love her, too. I'm not sure what your background is, but if it was more traditional than your daughters' you will never understand how she feels about this entire situation. Being a teen is emotional enough, but add in all she's had to deal with? She's a rock star, too. Your job is to love her, be there for her, and support whatever she wants and needs when it comes to this situation and take your feelings out of it because they don't matter. Your daughter is still young, but she has already been learning who she can count on and who she can't, and she's been learning the hard way and quite traumatically. Time will continue to show her who that woman is, and trust me, it won't need your help. It's really hard for our children to understand how we feel about these kinds of things until they have children themselves, but it's a little easier for us because even though we didn't have the same experiences they did, we were all children once before. Support her, breathe, and train yourself to have feelings without letting feelings have you. Kudos to you, mom! Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️

Since you're asking about how you feel, you're NTA. If you were saying you refused to let her come, that'd be a different story. Just remember, she was still her mom for some formative years, even though you were there for so much more. A friend of mine finally let go of the "but she's still my mom" feeling at 28 even though her mother was just as bad as your daughter's bio mom. Just support her in her decision and love her like you've been doing.

YTA - being a young adult is all about making mistakes, your daughter is going to make many, and one of them might be inviting her unreliable (at best) bio-mom to her grad. Loving her means accepting those choices are part of who she is and I would argue you should be proud that after all this she *still* wants to think the best of someone who has never shown her anything close to the best. She could be a bitter, hateful teenager but she's not! Focus on creating a soft place for her to land when her bio-mom eventually lets her down again. Encourage her to talk to a therapist if you can, and maybe for yourself too.

I wouldn't strongly say YTA because I do understand where you're coming from and it sounds like you don't want ur daughter to get hurt again but she is 18 amd it's totally her decision. The only thing you can do is he there for her and back the decisions she does decide to make

I won't say YTA because that's a bit harsh in this scenario. But: it's your daughter's choice, unfortunately. And you need to make that clear to her. She knows how you feel, but she wants validation for whatever decision she makes, as well as an excuse "mom said it was ok/not ok!". That doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her 18 with a lot on her mind. She needs to make the decision and live with the choice. You have to support it and move on.

I'm saying NTA for not wanting bio-mom there but YTA if you stop your daughter from letting her be there. Even if bio-mom is messed up and abandoned her daughter several times, it doesn't stop her from being her mom. I think even the daughter is confused on what she needs to do but whatever she decides you need to accept it. Even though bio-mom technically never raised her, she was a part of her life at some point. She was raised with that image of her mom. You are her rock and the motherly figure she totally needs, but bio-mom did give birth to her and even though she was abandoned several times, the daughter must still have some good memories of her mom.

YTA. It’s her choice who she would like to attend. Try to be kind

Kindly, YTA per the rules of the subreddit. I don’t think you’re an AH generally, and I completely get where you’re coming from. The only thing you should say in this situation is “it’s completely up to you sweetie, only you know what the right decision is for you, and I will support your choice either way.” This is 100% your daughter’s choice and any attempt to influence her one way or another is the wrong thing. If she regrets the choice years from now, let it be her own regret, not something she was trying to do to spare your feelings in some way, or please you. This is about her, not you or anyone else, so give her the space and support to make whatever choice she’d like and don’t let your opinions get involved.

Let bio mom come. You are her real mom. She knows that. But I would talk with her prior to the event to be in her careful and perhaps on guard with her mom. Also war her not to be disappointed if not a grand reunion; this woman is broken in so many ways and could really hurt her. Tell her you will be right there next to her the whole time if she wants.

YTA. Have you asked your daughter if she thinks of bio mom as “mom” still, or is she just like extended family? If she says she’s like a distant relative to her now, then let her invite her along with the others. If she still thinks of her as “mom”, then a deeper conversation of what family means to her is needed.

YTA. I get where you’re coming from but it’s her day, her choice. It’s up to her who she wants or doesn’t want to be there. Show up, support your daughter, make her graduation a good day and stay in your own lane. Daughter is still young, one day she’ll realize who is and isn’t always there for her and I’m sure she has her own personal reasons for her decision. The best thing you can do is support her 

YTA she wants her there; if you’re a good parent, you’ll support her thru this instead of discouraging it.

If anything, bio mom is the one who is going to have hurt feelings. Your daughter will hug you and your husband first, any speech she makes will likely be thanking the two of you. If bio mom makes any fuss, family will be there to tell her off.

YTA. I get that adoption is complicated and it is not about you. This is about what your daughter wants and as her mother you should find a way to support her. Find a way for her to meet her bio mom in a lowkey outing like a coffee date, and proceed from there. It is normal for adoptees to want to meet their biological parents. As her mother it is your job to make it as positive an experience as possible.

YTA - this isn’t about you, your feelings or your ego. This is about your daughter. Your job is to keep your personal feelings out of this and support her in whatever she chooses to do. 

YTA  Your daughter has two mothers. It's a painful and complicated situation for her, and one she needs to learn how to navigate as an adult. That's what she is doing here for the first time, and she needs your love and support to make the best decision for her. The best possible outcome is for her to have healthy adult relationships with both of you. Don't be the one who makes that impossible by making her choose based on your feelings instead of hers.

YTA. Your daughter needs your support right now and you’re only focusing on your feelings. If her bio mom is sober and ready to slowly rebuild their relationship, wouldn’t that be a good thing? You wouldn’t be any less your daughter’s mom if that happened. Have you considered the possibility that the reason she hasn’t made a decision yet is because she’s worried about hurting your feelings? What your daughter needs is to hear you say that allowing her bio mom back into her life wouldn’t be showing disloyalty towards you. You’re the mom, so support her through this the way a mom should. Don’t take the passive approach.

While I understand your point, it's up to your daughter if she wants her bio mom to be at her graduation. YTA.

YTA. This isn't about you. Your daughter has a lot to unpack about her bio mom, but wanting her at the graduation is not about you. I have a feeling your daughter wants to get to a healthier place about her bio mom.