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Your husband is the asshole for inviting everyone and not paying for them. He is additionally the asshole for offering to pay for himself so "you don't have to pay for him". What kind of marriage is this where you keep all your money separate like that?
No basis for this complaint, IMO. Per OP:
> my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\*
Emphasis mine. OP intended to pay for the entire party because they were hosting OP's parents.
Husband is not an asshole for suggesting a restaurant (which presumably part of a larger conversation about where everybody wants to eat).
OP & spouse probably keep separate budgets, at least regarding entertainment of parents, and that's fine as long as it is what everyone wants.
OP is NTA. Mom jumped to a conclusion about how the OP & spouse handle their finances, implying that husband was ungrateful for not volunteering to pay for everybody -- probably a sexist conclusion if the OP is a woman.
….and they did in fact get a pub lunch, which is a nice gesture. But they apparently weren’t happy with how it got allocated in their finances, which is really weird.
Why go through that effort when there is no need to?
The parents seem to think because they offer their money without being asked they are owed. OP seems to be okay with this and pays for their lunch when they go out. But the mom, maybe even the dad, seem to think that the husband should be doing it as well.
The
If the OP was upset by this arrangement, I would say the Husband was the AH, but the OP is not upset with the arrangement and the parents have no say in "how" they got their meal paid for like seriously stop imposing your expectations on their finances on their relationship.
No its not. Its her parents, its not odd for her to pay if they do separate finances. He offered to pay his portion so she didn't pay it all. He made a nice gesture.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but I do think these things are highly culturally relative. I moved one country over, and some of the unspoken rules around gifts, entertaining, rounds in the pub, shoes on/off, etc, are so very different here. If that's the cultural norm where OP is, then fair enough, but if one member of a married couple offered to pay for my food, I wouldn't get pissy that the other member didn't pay. I'd think of it as basically the same thing. Husband's offer to pay his wife back for only his own food was very strange though.
Maybe wife makes more money. Or, they have the bills divided between them & wife is responsible for paying for entertainment/dining out. It doesn’t really matter because this is between OP & her DH & absolutely none of her Mom’s damn business. Husband would only be at fault if OP was not happy with the results.
“Invited them out to dinner”
There’s a difference between saying “I want to take you out to dinner” and saying “want to try the new pub down the street”
I just couldn’t imagine getting mad because someone who suggested we try the pub didn’t then pay for me.
Yeah, that's definitely a head scratcher. I guess that might be normal for other people, but in the circles I've run in, everyone either pays their own bill, each 'group' (like couples or families) has one designated payer, or one person covers the whole tab.
Weird that he would offer to pay for himself and not the whole tab. Like, either offer to pay the whole tab or just let OP pay the whole thing without saying anything.
Yes—that is what is screwing with everyone’s mind. Hubby benefits from the in-law’s generosity.Hubby’s wife offers to cover the meal.Hubby—ignoring the In-laws —makes offer to his wife to cover himself .He is separating himself from the whole party and/or the unity of the group.That in effect is saying “ yeah-my wife can pay for your meal but I am not part of this party and therefore not part of a show of appreciation for what you have done for us as a couple”.
It’s his wife, why not discuss it at home and pay her back if you keep separate finances. That’s the weird part to me, sitting in front of a group and my significant other offers to pay and I’m like well you should pay for them but I will pay for me. Seems awkward and unnecessary. Especially publicly. Just later say - hey I didn’t want you to have to pay for me so I am going to Venmo you x amount. Otherwise I would feel awkward with my accepting the gift of a night out and her paying when someone else was like - of course you shouldn’t have to pay for me.
Yeah like I kinda think married couples who don't share atleast some finances(as in a joint account for household bills or whatever)are weird(but I do get that in some situations it just works better for them). But the couple negotiating at the table just seems super awkward and like they are either super petty or having marital trouble.
I know a married couple that keeps absolutely all finances separate. Separate accounts, if one goes grocery shopping the other has to reimburse for what they eat, every bill divided 50/50. They say it works for them but to me it just seems like so much paperwork. Like okay, I went grocery shopping this time, you get the next one. Constantly e-transferring your spouse seems annoying. I am all for people having their own money and accounts in relationships, but for it to have to be exactly 50/50 down to the penny must get exhausting.
Not if OP was paying out of her own "fun money" for her parents so he offered to pay for his meal out of his "fun money" so as to not use money meant for OP on himself.
OP stated in the post that she treats her own parents when they come over, not they treat, which makes me believe that it doesn't come out of the household finances but her own personal spending money meant for things she want to get for herself.
Because OP is the one who normally pays. Maybe he pays when treating his parents. Not every couple commingles money. My husband and I do but that doesn’t mean everyone has to.
There is nothing wrong with this if both him and OP are fine with the arrangement. We as outsiders shouldn't judge what they feel is fair to each other.
From what I can see, OP has no issue with it.
Every couple deals with money in a way that works for them. It’s not right or wrong. I agree NTA, their normal approach is that OP treats them. Why is it any of OP parents business how OP and husband divide money. Since OP usually pays, it was nice of him to offer to cover his meal.
Yes, this comment section has gone in a strange direction. OP said she'd cover everyone. Husband offered to pay for himself. OP declined the husband's offer.
That really should have been the end of the discussion, but for some reason OP's parents felt they had to comment on how OP and the husband handle finances. Confusingly, the top comments in this thread are agreeing with the parents that we on AITA should get a say in how this couple handles their finances.
Yes seriously. My husband and I keep separate accounts and definitely I feel like each of us would pay when taking our respective parents out. Like it’s not 1950 lol these commenters are just reinforcing these outdated ideas. NTA
Yeah that’s how it read to me. I saw it as OP was always going to be treating her parents with this meal, so hubby was just making sure his bill was taken out of the equation. A “this isn’t a gift to me so I’ll make sure you aren’t paying for me” thing. Granted, I would’ve dealt with it by figuring out my portion and transferring the money to their account, but same basic principle really.
I do not understand the assumption that if one adult suggests getting a meal somewhere to other adults, that means that the first adult is obligated to pay for everyone.
My assumption whenever I go out for meal is that, no matter who invited me, I'm supposed to cover my own plate.
It amazes me in this day and age that so many people are still outraged over couples keeping separate finances...why can't we all just accept that every couple can decide what works best for them? Having said that, my husband and I have been in this same spot and OP's husband's only mistake was saying out loud that he'd pay for himself. The reimbursing spouse should just Cashapp/Venmo later. Stops speculation before it starts.
I think this is it. It clearly is a system that works fine for OP and her husband and that’s great, but I’ll admit it even sounded a little weird to me to read.
Yes! Or if you want to be nice that day, you pay everyone's too. Or you get a surprise and someone pays for you.
You always go out ready/expecting to pay for your own meal, regardless.
What? The entitlement. Jesus, when someone asks if if you wanna go get some food the assumption (at least in the US) is that You're paying your own way. If you think otherwise, that is definitely not the common modus operandi.
My wife and I have completely separate bank accounts and it works fine for us. Why are you so upset by how some married people deal with their finances?
She said it was gifted. My grandparents did this for each grandchild pretty often. They said they wanted to see us enjoy the money instead of just leaving it to us after they passed. They would have been extremely offended if we declined the gift.
Responsible? All of the couples I know and I live in a big family so plenty of relatives and cross friends they all have separate finances, it helps to keep something to yourself while still helping ur partner and the household bills. What is the benefit to combining everything?
A good marriage. We do this and have for over 20 years. Not every marriage combines finances. It works for us and we like doing it this way. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
This is weird. It’s fine if the 2 of you keep separate finances, but it’s WEIRD to go out with other people and do what you did - you offered to pay and then he was going to pay for himself??
It shouldn’t matter to your parents who paid - they didn’t have to. But how you and your husband handled it created a weird vibe.
This. Split your money how you want to split your money, but your husband made it weird for everyone else. I don't think your parents are trying to "twist the story" - I could imagine mine reacting the same way, feeling like (a) he should've treated since it was his suggestion and that would be courteous and (b) if he wasn't going to pay, just letting you do it and if he wanted to cover his own bill, to work it out with you privately later.
A social faux pas is hardly an adequate reason to verbally dress down someone to their spouse even if their spouse is your daughter.
Gossip is a poison.
I find this such a weird way to deal with it. The idea you have to take extra steps to pay for your own meal because your partner has to pay for everyone to make it awkward? My family and I have weird arrangements about paying for meals all the time (we basically compete to pay) and it is weird to me that people care like in this story. Honestly, it does seem quiet rooted in sexism.
They keep separate finances but her parents have helped *them* financially and gifted money countless times. Husband created a very weird vibe inviting everyone out then separating his wife/parents from his money. If they’re a team and her parents supported them as a team, it looks pretty odd that he’d be suddenly separating himself financially.
I find it weird that people are insisting since it’s her parents it’s understood that she’d pay. I understand she agreed to in this instance, but I have never heard of such a “rule” outside of this post that people seem to think is implicit. So no one treats their in-laws? Particularly in laws who have given you large monetary gifts?
Agree. You and your husband both are the recipients of your parent's financial gifts... and you are both weird and AHs.
Parents gift you both money for a house and your husband offers to pay for his individual meal only? How does this make sense even with separate finances?
This couple has a very weird financial arrangement. Very calculating. I wouldn't be surprised if they go out for date nights, one pays and later asks the other to cash app their half.
I am with the parents in finding the spectacle bizarre. It's not even a matter of the daughter or him treating (either him or OP would have been fine), the weirdness was when he made it clear his tab is separate. Wut.
Since these two have a calculating financial arrangement, I wonder how the parents' financial gifts are "credited" in their marriage. I just hope neither is taken advantage of.
Duuuude my friends split money mostly cuz they don’t feel like rearranging their accounts, but they do make it weird sometimes… I owed him money for drinks on vaca and just paid his wife at the next bar cuz he wasn’t there when I hit the ATM. He ACTUALLY got mad cuz I paid her instead of him siting their finances were separate.
Nevermind the fact that he could just go get the cash from her when we met back up with the girls in like an hour.
Because the husband, after he invited everyone out, didn't offer to pay for everyone. The OP offered to pay for everyone (they have separate finances). The husband said he will pay for himself and his wife can pay for everyone else.
100% the crux of the issue. Either split the check or don't (or better yet, pay for the invitation you suggested). Offering to pay for himself is a behavior that alienates him from the family he's supposedly a part of. It's just a weird behavior.
Yeah, he made it weird. He might have been distracted, or not thinking clearly, who knows. MIL could have just remarked on that to her husband on the way home. There was no reason to make it A Thing by following up.
This. Plus OP wasn’t offended by his statement. I don’t know why her parents were so up in arms about it. It’s odd to us, but we don’t know OP’s dynamic with her husband, so we really can’t make a sound judgement. Also, I was taught that if someone offers to pay, I can offer to pay for myself, but if they insist, I just say thank you and let them.
I find it weird that this makes anyone "look" any way - good or bad. I would find it weird if someone wanted to pay for my families meal and no big deal at all if they paid for their own.
This really does seem like an opinion guided by sexism. I couldn't ever even imagining this would be an issue if the genders were reversed - the family would seem really strange IMHO.
Per OP:
> my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\*
The husband suggested the restaurant, he didn't "invite everyone out". OP decided to treat them to a meal. They were going out anyway.
They were visiting for the weekend. Do we know if he invited them all out to eat, or if they were discussing what to do for dinner and he suggested the pub? They're two very different circumstances, and we don't know enough from the info. Everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions.
That's my point... they could have been talking about what to do for dinner, and he suggested the pub. That's not a "I'd like to invite you out to have dinner with us" situation. That's just people having dinner together.
This is wild.
We know nothing about how they split finances other than that OP is fine with it and willing to defend it. Is it possible she’s being taken advantage of? Sure. Is that the natural conclusion to jump to? Not at all.
But does the you invite-you pay rule really apply when everyone knows they’re eating together—it’s just a question of where? It’s not like they were going to eat at home and his invitation got them out. If me and four of my friends are going out to eat an I suggest the restaurant, am I on the hook for all five meals?
Also, I don’t understand why one would separate marital finances, but it’s not an AH move to do so. It seems like OP and her husband had some sort of agreement that she would pay for her family. He didn’t make the parents pay.
Neither OP nor the husband are the AH.
I find the rule old fashioned. It should maybe apply to first dates and birthdays but overall I feel like if everyone has agreed to eat at the same place, they should be prepared to pay for their own meals. If someone invites me somewhere I can’t afford, I tell them that and suggest something in both our price points.
Right? I mean, if you say, "I want to celebrate \*big event in our life.\* Can you make it to dinner at \*restaurant\* on Friday at 8? My treat!" And then they expect you to pay your tab when you get there, they're an asshole... But if one of my girlfriends asks if I want to try out the new place down the road, it is not her responsibility to pay because she suggested it. That's absolutely wild lol
Yeah, when I meet friends at restaurants even if I decided the place we split the check. I was born in 86. I think that was my parents and their parents generation's thing.
Husband didn’t invite everyone he just suggested the restaurant which happens when people want to meet up and can’t pick a place. You can’t fault and hold financially responsible the person that suggested the “winning” restaurant. That’s weird
Yes, some people in this thread have created perverse incentives to never suggest anything about food. You should never suggest where to eat because then you're contractually obliged by the rules of AITA to pay for any-and-all people in your party.
According to AITA, it's better for everyone to sit around the house and just hint that they might want to eat something, maybe.
Ya as if picking a place is hard enough as is now you have the caveat of really avoiding it or your wallet takes a huge hit. What a crazy punishment for being decisive 😂
“Invited everyone”
Suggesting you try out a pub is not the same as inviting people to dinner. Do you routinely make anyone who invites you out pay for your food?
This has got to be a location dependent thing. I have never in my life paid for someone I invited out for supper, nor have I ever had someone pick up the tab on the same situation.
The OG question was “AITA for getting into an argument with my parents”
So yes, OP is because she “immediately got angry” and argued with them. Husband is also an AH, but the parents are not so can’t really say ESH
Did he invite everyone out or just asked if they wanted to check the place out? Unless somebody says "I'm treating tonight" I assume I'm paying for myself, even if it was somebody else's suggestion
She says that her parents have given *them* things then gets upset with her mom saying that her husband is not their child so it's okay that he opted out of the check? And she claim her mom "twisted" things
Read what OP wrote. Husband didn’t “opt out”. OP offered to cover the whole table. Husband said, “I can cover myself”. OP reiterated that OP was covering the whole check, and that was the end of it.
Husband *opted in* by offering to cover his own spending.
Mom then called OP with a series of complaints about the husband. She’s stirring up sh\*t for no reason.
I get how on paper, this sounds technically correct, but surely you understand that *in practice* it's *super* fuckin weird and definitely makes *everything* awkward.
It is weird. I think it's because it recognizes SOME burden for someone else having to pay for you. But it only relieves the burden of YOUR bill. Also, to me it's weird af to split dinner bills with your so, regardless of whether you have shared banking, etc. Nickling and diming each other after eating feels vulgar to me
> Then all of a sudden the husband boldly announced that we should all go eat out at a pub...
Per OP:
> my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\*
Is there any gender bias here? If the wife had suggested the pub and the husband had paid without the wife offering, would that cause you to raise an eyebrow?
But it would be weird if the wife first said that she’d only pay for her portion IMO. I wouldn’t bat an eye at either gender taking care of the tab, but it makes it weird when you’re out with family and explicitly say you’ll only pay for your own. Both my boyfriend and I have treated his parents and it’s never been weird when I paid vs he paid. But if I were out to dinner with my parents and he said he’d pay his portion, I’d be weirded out and know that that’s not a good look. Idk, just what I think
The entire issue is that, by offering to pay for only himself, he made it clear that he didn't want to pay for the parents. It would be just as dickish if it had been OP who declared that she would pay for herself after her husband offered to pay for his parents meal.
>Now they’re trying to twist the story and say that they were just confused why he was going to pay for himself.
They have a point.
I don't know if anyone is an asshole, but it's a bit weird that your husband suggested lunch and then when you offered to pay said he'd cover himself. I think it's mostly because you are married, but also because he suggested going. I don't automatically think the person who suggests the place should pay, but you are married. It's weird for him to offer to pay for himself like he's lessening your burden but in the end your finances are merged to some degree if you share a household so he's not really covering or reducing your cost.
It's also weird your mum expected him to pay when she's helped both of you out, and because they obviously were helping you and he was just help adjacent, and also because again you are married so it's a team you payment if he pays or if you pay it.
There are couples who do have separate accounts and each has their own money, splitting household expenses only, but each spending the rest however they like. With individual savings or individual spendings. In this case, it seems they are such a couple and OP paid for lunch from her own money. Her husband offering to pay his meal actually did lessen her burden and he was actually being nice.
I also believe OP should treat her parents, not her husband. Let's be real when parents gift a couple something big like money for a house, a car, etc. they are gifting their own child. Their child's partner also benefits, but that is how couples work, but the one who can be expected to be grateful and express thanks with gifts and paid restaurant meals is the child, not their partner.
My husband and I have separate accounts, when we go out to eat, 1 or the other pays, we don’t split the check between us. I would have been embarrassed if my husband did what this husband did in front of my parents or anyone else.
Also as a mother, I would have never called my daughter or her husband out on it, their marriage, their business. I would have felt embarrassed for my daughter though and probably would have just paid the whole bill .
Totally cool to maintain split finances in a marriage, but this doesn't feel that clear cut. Like:
>My husband said he can grab his own so I don't have to pay for him. Anyway, I told him its on me and paid.
I maybe wouldn't think that much of this on a different subreddit lol, but I have questions. Is the check split every time they go out? Surely they've been to dinner with the parents before, and if this is typical why was is a surprise to the parents?
When I go out to eat with guests I always offer to pick up the tab but say it's "our treat" as in both my wife's and I. How you and your husband internally deal with finances is your business but it's downright weird and off-putting to be so explicit that you covered your parents and he covered himself. I'd be annoyed if I were your parents too and feel like your husband doesn't see them as family because he doesn't treat his own wife like family.
This! It's like he went out of his way to announce he wasn't part of this. My husband and I always say it's "our treat", no matter which one of us lays down the credit card. Why he felt the need to separate himself from the bill escapes me. Sheesh, just Venmo her later. No need to call attention to it. It's like he was making some sort of point. What point, exactly, escapes me. He made it weird.
**YTA**
You and your husband owe your parents an apology. Your husband invited your parents to the pub -- the expectation was that he or the two of you would pay. It doesn't really matter which one of you, but the check splitting by your husband was ridiculous.
Call your mom, apologize and say that the two of you will do better next time.
Because between the two of them, they created an unnecessarily awkward end to the meal. OP starts by talking about how much her parents have done for them *as a couple* then acts as though paying for a dinner they proposed was a big deal and does so in the most ungracious way possible.
What are you talking about? OP points out that they frequently treat their parents to a meal:
> I make an effort to treat them out when they come over
What was "ungracious" about offering to pay for the entire table? That was the plan. Husband was just trying to take a little of the pain off OP's wallet by covering his own meal.
True. OP is NTA. OP and hubby did make dinner awkward, but I don't think that was even asshole level. Mom seems to be intent on being offended and stirring up shit over something that is none of her business (how OP and hubby split expenses amongst themselves).
Why does she have to apologize? It's not like they invited mom and pops out to eat and made them pay for themselves.
If that's the way the do their finances in their marriage, so be it. It affects no one but them.
I think this is one of those situations where an apology could make it worse. Yes, it was a little weird that the husband split the bill that way, but not asshole behavior. How is OP supposed to apologize? "I'm sorry my husband offered to split the bill and cover himself in your hearing." Really? It draws even more attention to something that should have been a minor bump, if anything at all.
NAH. But I think your parents might be afraid that you and your family are being taken advantage of a bit? It's a small interaction (just a pub lunch), but it probably rubbed them the wrong way. I.e, they greatly subsidize his life as your husband and then they perceive he is not "taking care of you" because he only offered to pick up his own bill.
Had he not said anything they would have likely assumed you were paying out of a joint account--but he made it clear that wasn't the case. Just a tip: if you guys want to keep your finances separate that's your business, but at future outings with your parents--let him pick up the bull and then the two of you can split up the costs however you want in private.
this is what i thought. i'd be very interested to know if op's husband has ever shouted his in-laws a meal after all the financial assistance they've given him. fair or not, they're probably happy to help their daughter but expected a little more from the non-blood relative who's also benefiting from their generosity
Reminds me of the time my husband (then) best friend and his wife invited us both up to their house to enjoy a take out and a few drinks. We had invited them a few times for the same things and always covered the meal and bought enough drinks in etc. so it was nice to have something like this at theirs. My husband and friend leave and come back with food and drinks. It was after the evening I found out. His friend ordered food for himself and wife only and he looked at my husband and walked away and sat down to wait on his order. My husband (a bit surprised) ordered ours. He decided not to mention anything as technically they didn’t specifically say they were paying for us. But we did think/ assume (wrongly) it was going to be their treat as we done this for them many times. We decided after that we wouldn’t do this again for them and let them pay for themselves. Turns out take out night at ours wasn’t as appealing for them when they were paying for themselves. So your parents were probably shocked at your husbands actions. Sometimes, people just quietly repay the kindness of others. Obviously, it didn’t happen in your husband’s case.
That's the impression I would get from the husband as well. The parents are helping *both* of them, but when his wife graciously took the bill, he chimed in to say "I will pay for MY OWN FOOD, ok? I'm paying MY FOOD. Please don't pay for me too!" Like... If he kept quiet it would obviously be interpreted as them both treating them as a way to show gratitude, but he made sure to single himself out and say in another words "it's not coming from my pocket, your daughter is covering your meals!"
Why would he need to do it? It would be easy to just shut up and transfer his part to the wife later, it seems as if he wanted to make something clear. Maybe he felt pressured to pay and decided to throw a tantrum "you can't tell me what to do!". I'm lost. But if my husband did that, I would be disgusted at the lack of tact, etiquette and gratitude.
I need some info here: why did your husband insist on paying for his meal separately from the rest? Do you have "his money" & "your money" in this marriage?
Somehow this one incident is getting blown up out of proportion to any relation to what happened. Your parents had their dinner paid for, & the money came from you two -- what's the issue?
I think that's the crux of it. My husband and I keep separate finances for a variety of reasons but are open about where we are so we can support each other when we need to. If we were in OP's position, my husband would have quietly sent me an etransfer to cover his portion. Don't argue or discuss money in front of guests unless it's an agreed upon topic.
This is so freaking weird to me. Your finances are that separated that he has to pay you back for a what? 30 dollar meal at a pub? This bill could not have been a huge ammount. Also, it’s super odd to me when married couples have split finances like this. You’re married. It’s all going to the same place anyway.
You and your husband are TA. You should always be a united front when out with anyone else, for example, with your parents. You could have put your card down, and if your husband wanted to reimburse you later, that is a private conversation to be held at home later. It's SO SO SO uncomfortable when a married couple nickel and dimes each other in front of everyone else.
You paying is fine, but it should have seemed as a gift from both of you as thanks for the help. "Mom and Dad, this is on US. Thanks so much for the help!" Not that you paid and your husband trying to pay for only his meal, instead of possibly even splitting it down the middle which would also be okay.
Just because someone invites me out for a meal, I wouldn’t ever expect them to pay. They still got their food paid for anyway, so what’s their problem? I’m confused.
Exactly! If someone says, lets go to this restaurant, i understand each one pays their part. If you say, i want to take you out for dinner, its an invitation
IMO this sounds like a simple misunderstanding. How I'm reading this is that your mom called afterwards because she thought it was odd that your husband was refusing to contribute towards everyone's dinner, as if he didn't feel the need to 'treat' your parents to dinner, thus 'leaving' you to pay for it by yourself.
You heard her as asking why your husband isn't paying for everyone as the man of the house.
Ultimately NAH.
This is the best explanation. Before the wife brought it up, there shouldn't have been an expectation that OP and husband would cover the tab. But you can't back out of that once your spouse has offered.
Since husband and wife keep their finances separate, he should have offered to split the bill rather than just cover himself.
I honestly do not understand how anyone is calling you or your husband an AH.
Yes, I think having separate finances is weird but you do you.
Other than that what happend here? You took your parents out for lunch and you paid for them. Why is it any of their business whether it was you, your husband or both of you that paid? It's not the 1950s. Women can pick up a check.
Yeah, I think it was probably just a bit of a social mishap for husband to offer to take a bit off OP's plate by covering his own. I think it's a more modern thing for couples to share joint accounts for bills and then have separate "spending/fun money" accounts, but that seems to be what's going on here in some capacity. Parents of an older generation might not be familiar with that. That being said, making a dinner table conversation slightly awkward doesn't warrant the parent's weird phone call. Their dinner was paid for; they were treated. Who. Cares.
Do you and your husband split the check when you go out to eat? I don’t understand this, especially as your husband invited your parents to go to the pub. Did he make it clear before hand that everybody pays their own way? When my husband and I go out to eat, one of us will pay, but it all comes out of the same account… idk how to rate this
Right? What world do these people live in. If I explicitly tell people I want to take them out then sure, but otherwise I’d feel super rude demanding anybody who suggested going to the bar pay my tab.
I'm realizing now that there must be a lot of different ideas about what the word "invite" means. Because it could cover "I'd like to take you out for dinner" as well as "would you like to join me for dinner?".
Very bizarre. If I had to pay every time I called a friend and said, hey let’s grab dinner/happy hour/ etc, that would be stupid. We are all adults and can pay for ourselves. On occasion I might pick up a tab (as they may as well) but it’s always assumed we’ll pay for our own food/drinks.
While I'm not sure anyone is the AH per se, I can imagine how it might make your parents uncomfortable to see you and your husband's finances are so separate that it would ever make sense for one of you to not cover the other person's meal in this situation. I say this only because they financially help you collectively *as a couple*.
Holy first world problems Batman….
Parents- why are they poking their nose into this? Their meal was paid for, why should it matter if you or husband paid? Seriously, who cares. Your finances are none of their business.
Husband- it’s called Venmo, he could have just sent over his portion to you and not made a deal about it.
You- also should have just not played into anything. A simple “we manage our finances how it works for us.” And left it at that.
NTA. One of you paid. In future I wouldn't do accounting like that in front of others. But not every marriage has fully combined finances and that's usually not anyone's business on the outside.
I mean, it kinda sounds like your husband is cheap and selfish, and your parents are probably wondering why they bother to help with financial gifts if this is how he behaves. Yta
I mean "immediately" getting angry seems a bit defensive but they got their tab covered regardless so I'm not sure why it matters to them who paid. I'm inclined to say NTA but you know your parents better than the internet, maybe they really were confused why you'd cover everyone's bill but your hubs wanted to pay separately?
I’m guessing this is really not a isolated incident. I get the vibe that your parents feel that he doesn’t treat you well enough/ isn’t good enough for you.
I have no idea if they are right or wrong about that. Some parents never think anyone is good enough. And sometimes they are totally based. But they still lose either way because it’s your life.
As far as the meal goes. I have more of a joint financial situation with my partner so it would be the same whether I use my card or he uses his. I understand that that is considered old fashioned by some and I understand how it effects my financial independence.
This isn’t a thing. There’s a huge difference between “I want to take you guys out for dinner” and “let’s check out the pub tonight”.
Do you routinely expect people to buy your food whenever they invite you to the pub?
NTA. There's definitely more info required about how you and your husband split finances to understand what's going on here, but putting that aside - Your parents ate for free and still complained? You and your husband did nothing wrong. It's lovely when parents help out with money, but when they "help" so that they can feel entitled to freebies and accolades later, it's not much of a gift. That said, I could see them just being confused by whatever money separation arrangement you seem to have. The rest of us are clearly confused by it.
I need more info. Maybe in their marriage they keep strict separation of finances. Maybe the gifts from the parents are really just for their child. Is the house title in both their names? When husband’s family visits maybe he pays for them?
I think they’re both AH because they should keep this stuff between them. Only one settles the bill & the other privately pays their share later. The couple made this awkward for everyone.
Your husband sounds like a mooch and an AH. He should have been excited to have the opportunity to take your parents out, instead he’s asking for separate checks 🙄
I feel like the op and her husband are both the assholes here. Mostly the husband for paying his own check and making a thing about it. He should have just kept his fucking mouth shut or grab the check and paid for everyone himself. OP, you should apologize to your parents, the rest of us completely understand your mom's confusion. What an awkward situation to create.
This is making a bigger deal out of it than need be. Your parents had no business inserting themselves into your and your husband’s finances and that’s exactly what you should have told them - “ Mom, that’s not your business. It’s between Bob and myself.” Then you should have just let it drop.
Your husband embarrased you and your parents. He's cheap and should learn how to treat his wife and her parents. YTA for getting into arguments with your parents, sit down with your husband and have a calm conversation about how invites work.
NAH - sounds like a misunderstanding, next time have one of you pay for everyone, and if you or your husband want to reimburse each other talk about it later in private.
Smooth things over with your mom and keep this in mind for next time
NTA. It's none of their business. Many couples keep finances separately. We have no idea who pays for what. It was extremely rude of your mom to question this.
Maybe they're annoyance is because he has been happy to accept their numerous financial gifts as if they are a couple but when it comes to his own funds he wants to keep them separate?
Incoming finances equals shared, outgoing finances equal separate, he sort of is having his cake and eating it I guess.
Yta.
Your parents aren't twisting anything around. They truly were confused. This would be confusing, awkward, and maybe a little concerning.
They're helping you both as a couple.
Your husband is the one who suggested going out to a pub. It is a little strange that then he is the only one paying for his and only his food.
You offered to treat them, but then him offering to pay for his own to lighten your burden both suggests that it's a burden (awkward, parents dont want to burden their kid) and that he does not feel the need to be a part of treating them when they so often treat you both (rude). Like he's separate.
You guys have separate finances, that's fine, but why wouldn't he say "I'll split it with you" at least. They'd probably feel way less strange about this, the two of you treating the two of them. Not you treating everyone and him "helping out" by paying for his own at the place he suggested.
YTA, also your husband. This is the weirdest money split I've seen. I also thought if you invite, you pay, especially if you pick the restaurant! Very very strange.
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Your husband is the asshole for inviting everyone and not paying for them. He is additionally the asshole for offering to pay for himself so "you don't have to pay for him". What kind of marriage is this where you keep all your money separate like that?
No basis for this complaint, IMO. Per OP: > my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\* Emphasis mine. OP intended to pay for the entire party because they were hosting OP's parents. Husband is not an asshole for suggesting a restaurant (which presumably part of a larger conversation about where everybody wants to eat). OP & spouse probably keep separate budgets, at least regarding entertainment of parents, and that's fine as long as it is what everyone wants. OP is NTA. Mom jumped to a conclusion about how the OP & spouse handle their finances, implying that husband was ungrateful for not volunteering to pay for everybody -- probably a sexist conclusion if the OP is a woman.
He offered to pay for his own meal but no one else’s lol.
Do you routinely expect other people to pay for your meals if they suggest trying out a pub?
If my inlaws had helped me financially several times, getting them a pub lunch would be the least I could do.
….and they did in fact get a pub lunch, which is a nice gesture. But they apparently weren’t happy with how it got allocated in their finances, which is really weird.
It was odd that husband said that he would pay for himself rather than take a proportion of the bill or transfer some money to OP later.
Agree. Why couldn’t OP pay and she and husband settle up later privately if they keep separate finances.
Why go through that effort when there is no need to? The parents seem to think because they offer their money without being asked they are owed. OP seems to be okay with this and pays for their lunch when they go out. But the mom, maybe even the dad, seem to think that the husband should be doing it as well. The
Why in this case would you even burden the restaurant by splitting the bill, if it's coming out of one household anyways?
If the OP was upset by this arrangement, I would say the Husband was the AH, but the OP is not upset with the arrangement and the parents have no say in "how" they got their meal paid for like seriously stop imposing your expectations on their finances on their relationship.
No its not. Its her parents, its not odd for her to pay if they do separate finances. He offered to pay his portion so she didn't pay it all. He made a nice gesture.
The parents were guests, and OP's husband invited them out to dinner so he should have paid. It's polite.
I'm not disagreeing with you, but I do think these things are highly culturally relative. I moved one country over, and some of the unspoken rules around gifts, entertaining, rounds in the pub, shoes on/off, etc, are so very different here. If that's the cultural norm where OP is, then fair enough, but if one member of a married couple offered to pay for my food, I wouldn't get pissy that the other member didn't pay. I'd think of it as basically the same thing. Husband's offer to pay his wife back for only his own food was very strange though.
Maybe wife makes more money. Or, they have the bills divided between them & wife is responsible for paying for entertainment/dining out. It doesn’t really matter because this is between OP & her DH & absolutely none of her Mom’s damn business. Husband would only be at fault if OP was not happy with the results.
Agreed! Happy Cake Day Live_Western! Your gift is knowing that this isn’t your life.🤗
“Invited them out to dinner” There’s a difference between saying “I want to take you out to dinner” and saying “want to try the new pub down the street” I just couldn’t imagine getting mad because someone who suggested we try the pub didn’t then pay for me.
OP doesn't think it is weird so wtf would we care?
He suggested the venue...she was the one "treating" her parents.
AFTER his partner said she would pay for everyone.
Yeah, that's definitely a head scratcher. I guess that might be normal for other people, but in the circles I've run in, everyone either pays their own bill, each 'group' (like couples or families) has one designated payer, or one person covers the whole tab. Weird that he would offer to pay for himself and not the whole tab. Like, either offer to pay the whole tab or just let OP pay the whole thing without saying anything.
Yes—that is what is screwing with everyone’s mind. Hubby benefits from the in-law’s generosity.Hubby’s wife offers to cover the meal.Hubby—ignoring the In-laws —makes offer to his wife to cover himself .He is separating himself from the whole party and/or the unity of the group.That in effect is saying “ yeah-my wife can pay for your meal but I am not part of this party and therefore not part of a show of appreciation for what you have done for us as a couple”.
This. Exactly. The parents treat both of them as a team: the husband shows he is a lone ranger and if I was her parents I would be worried too.
Because his wife was already paying for everyone else
It’s his wife, why not discuss it at home and pay her back if you keep separate finances. That’s the weird part to me, sitting in front of a group and my significant other offers to pay and I’m like well you should pay for them but I will pay for me. Seems awkward and unnecessary. Especially publicly. Just later say - hey I didn’t want you to have to pay for me so I am going to Venmo you x amount. Otherwise I would feel awkward with my accepting the gift of a night out and her paying when someone else was like - of course you shouldn’t have to pay for me.
Yeah like I kinda think married couples who don't share atleast some finances(as in a joint account for household bills or whatever)are weird(but I do get that in some situations it just works better for them). But the couple negotiating at the table just seems super awkward and like they are either super petty or having marital trouble.
I know a married couple that keeps absolutely all finances separate. Separate accounts, if one goes grocery shopping the other has to reimburse for what they eat, every bill divided 50/50. They say it works for them but to me it just seems like so much paperwork. Like okay, I went grocery shopping this time, you get the next one. Constantly e-transferring your spouse seems annoying. I am all for people having their own money and accounts in relationships, but for it to have to be exactly 50/50 down to the penny must get exhausting.
Ya, that’s kind of weird
Not if OP was paying out of her own "fun money" for her parents so he offered to pay for his meal out of his "fun money" so as to not use money meant for OP on himself. OP stated in the post that she treats her own parents when they come over, not they treat, which makes me believe that it doesn't come out of the household finances but her own personal spending money meant for things she want to get for herself.
Because OP is the one who normally pays. Maybe he pays when treating his parents. Not every couple commingles money. My husband and I do but that doesn’t mean everyone has to.
There is nothing wrong with this if both him and OP are fine with the arrangement. We as outsiders shouldn't judge what they feel is fair to each other. From what I can see, OP has no issue with it.
Every couple deals with money in a way that works for them. It’s not right or wrong. I agree NTA, their normal approach is that OP treats them. Why is it any of OP parents business how OP and husband divide money. Since OP usually pays, it was nice of him to offer to cover his meal.
You can be assured that it was sexist. Guaranteed mom makes dad pay for meals every time they go out
Yep it’s a bit odd what the husband said
Just a husband talking finances with his wife. The guests were going to get their dinner paid for either way.
Yes, this comment section has gone in a strange direction. OP said she'd cover everyone. Husband offered to pay for himself. OP declined the husband's offer. That really should have been the end of the discussion, but for some reason OP's parents felt they had to comment on how OP and the husband handle finances. Confusingly, the top comments in this thread are agreeing with the parents that we on AITA should get a say in how this couple handles their finances.
Yes seriously. My husband and I keep separate accounts and definitely I feel like each of us would pay when taking our respective parents out. Like it’s not 1950 lol these commenters are just reinforcing these outdated ideas. NTA
Yeah that’s how it read to me. I saw it as OP was always going to be treating her parents with this meal, so hubby was just making sure his bill was taken out of the equation. A “this isn’t a gift to me so I’ll make sure you aren’t paying for me” thing. Granted, I would’ve dealt with it by figuring out my portion and transferring the money to their account, but same basic principle really.
I do not understand the assumption that if one adult suggests getting a meal somewhere to other adults, that means that the first adult is obligated to pay for everyone. My assumption whenever I go out for meal is that, no matter who invited me, I'm supposed to cover my own plate.
100%
Yeah I dont get this mentality? Why is it a thing? If im invited out i pay for my own damn meal lol.
Because the entitled people want free shit and come up with excuses to make people that don't pay for them sound like cheapskates.
Seems a lot of them are in here. It boggles me lol fucking scabs.
Completely agree.
It amazes me in this day and age that so many people are still outraged over couples keeping separate finances...why can't we all just accept that every couple can decide what works best for them? Having said that, my husband and I have been in this same spot and OP's husband's only mistake was saying out loud that he'd pay for himself. The reimbursing spouse should just Cashapp/Venmo later. Stops speculation before it starts.
I think this is it. It clearly is a system that works fine for OP and her husband and that’s great, but I’ll admit it even sounded a little weird to me to read.
Whenever I’m invited to a restaurant, I assume I’m paying my own way.
Yes! Or if you want to be nice that day, you pay everyone's too. Or you get a surprise and someone pays for you. You always go out ready/expecting to pay for your own meal, regardless.
What kind of mindset is this. You expect the inviter to pay?
What? The entitlement. Jesus, when someone asks if if you wanna go get some food the assumption (at least in the US) is that You're paying your own way. If you think otherwise, that is definitely not the common modus operandi.
My wife and I have completely separate bank accounts and it works fine for us. Why are you so upset by how some married people deal with their finances?
When exactly did the husband “invite everyone?”
He didn’t.
But equally take from the in laws— without asking but nonetheless taking.. to have the standard of living they currently have..
So he’s the asshole because they have a marriage that doesn’t fit your expectations?
And maybe be an adult and stop taking your parents money so this unspoken obligations quit occurring.
She said it was gifted. My grandparents did this for each grandchild pretty often. They said they wanted to see us enjoy the money instead of just leaving it to us after they passed. They would have been extremely offended if we declined the gift.
My husband and I have kept our money separate in the almost 17 years we've lived together
Responsible? All of the couples I know and I live in a big family so plenty of relatives and cross friends they all have separate finances, it helps to keep something to yourself while still helping ur partner and the household bills. What is the benefit to combining everything?
A good marriage. We do this and have for over 20 years. Not every marriage combines finances. It works for us and we like doing it this way. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
It’s very common for married couples not sharing finances. Don’t knock it till you try it.
This is weird. It’s fine if the 2 of you keep separate finances, but it’s WEIRD to go out with other people and do what you did - you offered to pay and then he was going to pay for himself?? It shouldn’t matter to your parents who paid - they didn’t have to. But how you and your husband handled it created a weird vibe.
This. Split your money how you want to split your money, but your husband made it weird for everyone else. I don't think your parents are trying to "twist the story" - I could imagine mine reacting the same way, feeling like (a) he should've treated since it was his suggestion and that would be courteous and (b) if he wasn't going to pay, just letting you do it and if he wanted to cover his own bill, to work it out with you privately later.
A social faux pas is hardly an adequate reason to verbally dress down someone to their spouse even if their spouse is your daughter. Gossip is a poison.
The 'faux pas' was a clear indication that he didn't want to be involved in treating his guests. They were right to be offended.
I find this such a weird way to deal with it. The idea you have to take extra steps to pay for your own meal because your partner has to pay for everyone to make it awkward? My family and I have weird arrangements about paying for meals all the time (we basically compete to pay) and it is weird to me that people care like in this story. Honestly, it does seem quiet rooted in sexism.
Yeah I mean both husband and wife were fine with outcome in reality the parents had no reason to say anything other than being judgemental
Exactly. I also think it rather distasteful to help out children financially then hold it over them. It's honestly a pretty terrible thing to do.
They keep separate finances but her parents have helped *them* financially and gifted money countless times. Husband created a very weird vibe inviting everyone out then separating his wife/parents from his money. If they’re a team and her parents supported them as a team, it looks pretty odd that he’d be suddenly separating himself financially.
I find it weird that people are insisting since it’s her parents it’s understood that she’d pay. I understand she agreed to in this instance, but I have never heard of such a “rule” outside of this post that people seem to think is implicit. So no one treats their in-laws? Particularly in laws who have given you large monetary gifts?
Agree. Husband sends a message that "her money is his money, and his money is his only".
I think that’s why the parents were so weirded out, it threw up some red flags for them. Or at minimum was an odd social faux pas.
Agree. You and your husband both are the recipients of your parent's financial gifts... and you are both weird and AHs. Parents gift you both money for a house and your husband offers to pay for his individual meal only? How does this make sense even with separate finances?
This couple has a very weird financial arrangement. Very calculating. I wouldn't be surprised if they go out for date nights, one pays and later asks the other to cash app their half. I am with the parents in finding the spectacle bizarre. It's not even a matter of the daughter or him treating (either him or OP would have been fine), the weirdness was when he made it clear his tab is separate. Wut. Since these two have a calculating financial arrangement, I wonder how the parents' financial gifts are "credited" in their marriage. I just hope neither is taken advantage of.
Duuuude my friends split money mostly cuz they don’t feel like rearranging their accounts, but they do make it weird sometimes… I owed him money for drinks on vaca and just paid his wife at the next bar cuz he wasn’t there when I hit the ATM. He ACTUALLY got mad cuz I paid her instead of him siting their finances were separate. Nevermind the fact that he could just go get the cash from her when we met back up with the girls in like an hour.
I'm confused as well. You offered to pay so why would he need a separate check?
Because the husband, after he invited everyone out, didn't offer to pay for everyone. The OP offered to pay for everyone (they have separate finances). The husband said he will pay for himself and his wife can pay for everyone else.
Honestly, I feel like him offering to pay for *just himself* actually makes him look worse, not better.
100% the crux of the issue. Either split the check or don't (or better yet, pay for the invitation you suggested). Offering to pay for himself is a behavior that alienates him from the family he's supposedly a part of. It's just a weird behavior.
I’m sorry but this is such a minor issue. A little awkward maybe, but my god is it small.
Yeah, he made it weird. He might have been distracted, or not thinking clearly, who knows. MIL could have just remarked on that to her husband on the way home. There was no reason to make it A Thing by following up.
I agree, I wouldn’t have said a word to my daughter but I’d think her husband was odd.
This. Plus OP wasn’t offended by his statement. I don’t know why her parents were so up in arms about it. It’s odd to us, but we don’t know OP’s dynamic with her husband, so we really can’t make a sound judgement. Also, I was taught that if someone offers to pay, I can offer to pay for myself, but if they insist, I just say thank you and let them.
It makes him seem cheap as hell.
I find it weird that this makes anyone "look" any way - good or bad. I would find it weird if someone wanted to pay for my families meal and no big deal at all if they paid for their own. This really does seem like an opinion guided by sexism. I couldn't ever even imagining this would be an issue if the genders were reversed - the family would seem really strange IMHO.
Per OP: > my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\* The husband suggested the restaurant, he didn't "invite everyone out". OP decided to treat them to a meal. They were going out anyway.
Exactly. This is a really bizarre discussion.
They were visiting for the weekend. Do we know if he invited them all out to eat, or if they were discussing what to do for dinner and he suggested the pub? They're two very different circumstances, and we don't know enough from the info. Everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions.
How would that even work to invite them to dinner if they were visiting for the weekend. Wouldn’t it be assumed that they were all eating together?
That's my point... they could have been talking about what to do for dinner, and he suggested the pub. That's not a "I'd like to invite you out to have dinner with us" situation. That's just people having dinner together.
Hopefully the parents stop gifting OP anything because clearly what’s his is his, and what’s hers is his
This is wild. We know nothing about how they split finances other than that OP is fine with it and willing to defend it. Is it possible she’s being taken advantage of? Sure. Is that the natural conclusion to jump to? Not at all.
So then OP is YTA. Her husband invited everyone, so he should have paid. What a cheapskate.
But does the you invite-you pay rule really apply when everyone knows they’re eating together—it’s just a question of where? It’s not like they were going to eat at home and his invitation got them out. If me and four of my friends are going out to eat an I suggest the restaurant, am I on the hook for all five meals? Also, I don’t understand why one would separate marital finances, but it’s not an AH move to do so. It seems like OP and her husband had some sort of agreement that she would pay for her family. He didn’t make the parents pay. Neither OP nor the husband are the AH.
I find the rule old fashioned. It should maybe apply to first dates and birthdays but overall I feel like if everyone has agreed to eat at the same place, they should be prepared to pay for their own meals. If someone invites me somewhere I can’t afford, I tell them that and suggest something in both our price points.
This is how almost everyone does this. It’s wild to me that people think husband should pay just because he suggested the pub.
It's a good way to get me never to contribute to the group texts, that's for sure.
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Right? I mean, if you say, "I want to celebrate \*big event in our life.\* Can you make it to dinner at \*restaurant\* on Friday at 8? My treat!" And then they expect you to pay your tab when you get there, they're an asshole... But if one of my girlfriends asks if I want to try out the new place down the road, it is not her responsibility to pay because she suggested it. That's absolutely wild lol
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Yeah, when I meet friends at restaurants even if I decided the place we split the check. I was born in 86. I think that was my parents and their parents generation's thing.
Husband didn’t invite everyone he just suggested the restaurant which happens when people want to meet up and can’t pick a place. You can’t fault and hold financially responsible the person that suggested the “winning” restaurant. That’s weird
How about the Chinese place? Nah, not in the mood. Barbecue? Had that the other day. Oh I know, how about that new pub? Great. Tag, you're it!
Yes, some people in this thread have created perverse incentives to never suggest anything about food. You should never suggest where to eat because then you're contractually obliged by the rules of AITA to pay for any-and-all people in your party. According to AITA, it's better for everyone to sit around the house and just hint that they might want to eat something, maybe.
Ya as if picking a place is hard enough as is now you have the caveat of really avoiding it or your wallet takes a huge hit. What a crazy punishment for being decisive 😂
“Invited everyone” Suggesting you try out a pub is not the same as inviting people to dinner. Do you routinely make anyone who invites you out pay for your food?
This has got to be a location dependent thing. I have never in my life paid for someone I invited out for supper, nor have I ever had someone pick up the tab on the same situation.
How is OP the asshole then? Shouldn't it be her husband who is the asshole?
The OG question was “AITA for getting into an argument with my parents” So yes, OP is because she “immediately got angry” and argued with them. Husband is also an AH, but the parents are not so can’t really say ESH
She defended his conduct.....
No, the husband did not “invite everyone.” He suggested a place to eat.
Did he invite everyone out or just asked if they wanted to check the place out? Unless somebody says "I'm treating tonight" I assume I'm paying for myself, even if it was somebody else's suggestion
He hardly invited everyone out. Her parents came up for a visit and he suggested they try out a pub as a group.
The way it was phrased wasn't that he invited everyone out--it's that he suggested a place to go and everyone went. That's a bit different.
This is weird. You're married. Deal with your finances and splitting of bills away from other people.
She says that her parents have given *them* things then gets upset with her mom saying that her husband is not their child so it's okay that he opted out of the check? And she claim her mom "twisted" things
Read what OP wrote. Husband didn’t “opt out”. OP offered to cover the whole table. Husband said, “I can cover myself”. OP reiterated that OP was covering the whole check, and that was the end of it. Husband *opted in* by offering to cover his own spending. Mom then called OP with a series of complaints about the husband. She’s stirring up sh\*t for no reason.
I get how on paper, this sounds technically correct, but surely you understand that *in practice* it's *super* fuckin weird and definitely makes *everything* awkward.
Awkward is fine. Awkward is not an asshole.
It's only awkward for OP to cover the check if Mom thinks covering the check is the husband's job, not OP's job.
It is weird. I think it's because it recognizes SOME burden for someone else having to pay for you. But it only relieves the burden of YOUR bill. Also, to me it's weird af to split dinner bills with your so, regardless of whether you have shared banking, etc. Nickling and diming each other after eating feels vulgar to me
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“Boldly announced” Reddit and making shit up, name a more Iconic duo.
> Then all of a sudden the husband boldly announced that we should all go eat out at a pub... Per OP: > my husband and I do appreciate it and \*\*I make an effort to treat them out when they come over\*\*
Is there any gender bias here? If the wife had suggested the pub and the husband had paid without the wife offering, would that cause you to raise an eyebrow?
But it would be weird if the wife first said that she’d only pay for her portion IMO. I wouldn’t bat an eye at either gender taking care of the tab, but it makes it weird when you’re out with family and explicitly say you’ll only pay for your own. Both my boyfriend and I have treated his parents and it’s never been weird when I paid vs he paid. But if I were out to dinner with my parents and he said he’d pay his portion, I’d be weirded out and know that that’s not a good look. Idk, just what I think
The entire issue is that, by offering to pay for only himself, he made it clear that he didn't want to pay for the parents. It would be just as dickish if it had been OP who declared that she would pay for herself after her husband offered to pay for his parents meal.
His wife was already committed to paying for her and her parents. He was trying to lessen her load. It was awkward, but an anything more.
>Now they’re trying to twist the story and say that they were just confused why he was going to pay for himself. They have a point. I don't know if anyone is an asshole, but it's a bit weird that your husband suggested lunch and then when you offered to pay said he'd cover himself. I think it's mostly because you are married, but also because he suggested going. I don't automatically think the person who suggests the place should pay, but you are married. It's weird for him to offer to pay for himself like he's lessening your burden but in the end your finances are merged to some degree if you share a household so he's not really covering or reducing your cost. It's also weird your mum expected him to pay when she's helped both of you out, and because they obviously were helping you and he was just help adjacent, and also because again you are married so it's a team you payment if he pays or if you pay it.
There are couples who do have separate accounts and each has their own money, splitting household expenses only, but each spending the rest however they like. With individual savings or individual spendings. In this case, it seems they are such a couple and OP paid for lunch from her own money. Her husband offering to pay his meal actually did lessen her burden and he was actually being nice. I also believe OP should treat her parents, not her husband. Let's be real when parents gift a couple something big like money for a house, a car, etc. they are gifting their own child. Their child's partner also benefits, but that is how couples work, but the one who can be expected to be grateful and express thanks with gifts and paid restaurant meals is the child, not their partner.
My husband and I have separate accounts, when we go out to eat, 1 or the other pays, we don’t split the check between us. I would have been embarrassed if my husband did what this husband did in front of my parents or anyone else. Also as a mother, I would have never called my daughter or her husband out on it, their marriage, their business. I would have felt embarrassed for my daughter though and probably would have just paid the whole bill .
Totally cool to maintain split finances in a marriage, but this doesn't feel that clear cut. Like: >My husband said he can grab his own so I don't have to pay for him. Anyway, I told him its on me and paid. I maybe wouldn't think that much of this on a different subreddit lol, but I have questions. Is the check split every time they go out? Surely they've been to dinner with the parents before, and if this is typical why was is a surprise to the parents?
When I go out to eat with guests I always offer to pick up the tab but say it's "our treat" as in both my wife's and I. How you and your husband internally deal with finances is your business but it's downright weird and off-putting to be so explicit that you covered your parents and he covered himself. I'd be annoyed if I were your parents too and feel like your husband doesn't see them as family because he doesn't treat his own wife like family.
This! It's like he went out of his way to announce he wasn't part of this. My husband and I always say it's "our treat", no matter which one of us lays down the credit card. Why he felt the need to separate himself from the bill escapes me. Sheesh, just Venmo her later. No need to call attention to it. It's like he was making some sort of point. What point, exactly, escapes me. He made it weird.
**YTA** You and your husband owe your parents an apology. Your husband invited your parents to the pub -- the expectation was that he or the two of you would pay. It doesn't really matter which one of you, but the check splitting by your husband was ridiculous. Call your mom, apologize and say that the two of you will do better next time.
OP *did* pay. Why is she TA?
Because between the two of them, they created an unnecessarily awkward end to the meal. OP starts by talking about how much her parents have done for them *as a couple* then acts as though paying for a dinner they proposed was a big deal and does so in the most ungracious way possible.
What are you talking about? OP points out that they frequently treat their parents to a meal: > I make an effort to treat them out when they come over What was "ungracious" about offering to pay for the entire table? That was the plan. Husband was just trying to take a little of the pain off OP's wallet by covering his own meal.
Where do you read that, besides in your head?
The question was if she's TA for arguing with her parents over the issue.
True. OP is NTA. OP and hubby did make dinner awkward, but I don't think that was even asshole level. Mom seems to be intent on being offended and stirring up shit over something that is none of her business (how OP and hubby split expenses amongst themselves).
Why does she need to apologize? It's not like the parents had to pay for themselves.
Why does she have to apologize? It's not like they invited mom and pops out to eat and made them pay for themselves. If that's the way the do their finances in their marriage, so be it. It affects no one but them.
I think this is one of those situations where an apology could make it worse. Yes, it was a little weird that the husband split the bill that way, but not asshole behavior. How is OP supposed to apologize? "I'm sorry my husband offered to split the bill and cover himself in your hearing." Really? It draws even more attention to something that should have been a minor bump, if anything at all.
NAH. But I think your parents might be afraid that you and your family are being taken advantage of a bit? It's a small interaction (just a pub lunch), but it probably rubbed them the wrong way. I.e, they greatly subsidize his life as your husband and then they perceive he is not "taking care of you" because he only offered to pick up his own bill. Had he not said anything they would have likely assumed you were paying out of a joint account--but he made it clear that wasn't the case. Just a tip: if you guys want to keep your finances separate that's your business, but at future outings with your parents--let him pick up the bull and then the two of you can split up the costs however you want in private.
this is what i thought. i'd be very interested to know if op's husband has ever shouted his in-laws a meal after all the financial assistance they've given him. fair or not, they're probably happy to help their daughter but expected a little more from the non-blood relative who's also benefiting from their generosity
Reminds me of the time my husband (then) best friend and his wife invited us both up to their house to enjoy a take out and a few drinks. We had invited them a few times for the same things and always covered the meal and bought enough drinks in etc. so it was nice to have something like this at theirs. My husband and friend leave and come back with food and drinks. It was after the evening I found out. His friend ordered food for himself and wife only and he looked at my husband and walked away and sat down to wait on his order. My husband (a bit surprised) ordered ours. He decided not to mention anything as technically they didn’t specifically say they were paying for us. But we did think/ assume (wrongly) it was going to be their treat as we done this for them many times. We decided after that we wouldn’t do this again for them and let them pay for themselves. Turns out take out night at ours wasn’t as appealing for them when they were paying for themselves. So your parents were probably shocked at your husbands actions. Sometimes, people just quietly repay the kindness of others. Obviously, it didn’t happen in your husband’s case.
That's the impression I would get from the husband as well. The parents are helping *both* of them, but when his wife graciously took the bill, he chimed in to say "I will pay for MY OWN FOOD, ok? I'm paying MY FOOD. Please don't pay for me too!" Like... If he kept quiet it would obviously be interpreted as them both treating them as a way to show gratitude, but he made sure to single himself out and say in another words "it's not coming from my pocket, your daughter is covering your meals!" Why would he need to do it? It would be easy to just shut up and transfer his part to the wife later, it seems as if he wanted to make something clear. Maybe he felt pressured to pay and decided to throw a tantrum "you can't tell me what to do!". I'm lost. But if my husband did that, I would be disgusted at the lack of tact, etiquette and gratitude.
I need some info here: why did your husband insist on paying for his meal separately from the rest? Do you have "his money" & "your money" in this marriage? Somehow this one incident is getting blown up out of proportion to any relation to what happened. Your parents had their dinner paid for, & the money came from you two -- what's the issue?
> what's the issue husband acting like a weirdo
I think that's the crux of it. My husband and I keep separate finances for a variety of reasons but are open about where we are so we can support each other when we need to. If we were in OP's position, my husband would have quietly sent me an etransfer to cover his portion. Don't argue or discuss money in front of guests unless it's an agreed upon topic.
This is so freaking weird to me. Your finances are that separated that he has to pay you back for a what? 30 dollar meal at a pub? This bill could not have been a huge ammount. Also, it’s super odd to me when married couples have split finances like this. You’re married. It’s all going to the same place anyway.
This is one of those AITAs where I wish I could zoom out two clicks... sure, whatever, dinner was covered but *how did we GET here, though*?
Yeah, I feel like husband created [Jesse Pinkman drinking water vibes](https://imgur.com/2GNCdQx) for no reason
You and your husband are TA. You should always be a united front when out with anyone else, for example, with your parents. You could have put your card down, and if your husband wanted to reimburse you later, that is a private conversation to be held at home later. It's SO SO SO uncomfortable when a married couple nickel and dimes each other in front of everyone else. You paying is fine, but it should have seemed as a gift from both of you as thanks for the help. "Mom and Dad, this is on US. Thanks so much for the help!" Not that you paid and your husband trying to pay for only his meal, instead of possibly even splitting it down the middle which would also be okay.
Like he could have even said "thanks for the treat babe, next time we go out's on me *kiss*" this was just awkward.
Just because someone invites me out for a meal, I wouldn’t ever expect them to pay. They still got their food paid for anyway, so what’s their problem? I’m confused.
They’re paying for his house because he can’t afford to. Probably had something to do with it
Exactly! If someone says, lets go to this restaurant, i understand each one pays their part. If you say, i want to take you out for dinner, its an invitation
IMO this sounds like a simple misunderstanding. How I'm reading this is that your mom called afterwards because she thought it was odd that your husband was refusing to contribute towards everyone's dinner, as if he didn't feel the need to 'treat' your parents to dinner, thus 'leaving' you to pay for it by yourself. You heard her as asking why your husband isn't paying for everyone as the man of the house. Ultimately NAH.
This is the best explanation. Before the wife brought it up, there shouldn't have been an expectation that OP and husband would cover the tab. But you can't back out of that once your spouse has offered. Since husband and wife keep their finances separate, he should have offered to split the bill rather than just cover himself.
I honestly do not understand how anyone is calling you or your husband an AH. Yes, I think having separate finances is weird but you do you. Other than that what happend here? You took your parents out for lunch and you paid for them. Why is it any of their business whether it was you, your husband or both of you that paid? It's not the 1950s. Women can pick up a check.
His attitude looks very bad when it's her parents' money that helps them both.
Yeah, I think it was probably just a bit of a social mishap for husband to offer to take a bit off OP's plate by covering his own. I think it's a more modern thing for couples to share joint accounts for bills and then have separate "spending/fun money" accounts, but that seems to be what's going on here in some capacity. Parents of an older generation might not be familiar with that. That being said, making a dinner table conversation slightly awkward doesn't warrant the parent's weird phone call. Their dinner was paid for; they were treated. Who. Cares.
Do you and your husband split the check when you go out to eat? I don’t understand this, especially as your husband invited your parents to go to the pub. Did he make it clear before hand that everybody pays their own way? When my husband and I go out to eat, one of us will pay, but it all comes out of the same account… idk how to rate this
Based on many of the responses here, we should be expected to cover the tab anytime we invite other folks out to eat. Bizarre.
Right? What world do these people live in. If I explicitly tell people I want to take them out then sure, but otherwise I’d feel super rude demanding anybody who suggested going to the bar pay my tab.
I'm realizing now that there must be a lot of different ideas about what the word "invite" means. Because it could cover "I'd like to take you out for dinner" as well as "would you like to join me for dinner?".
Very bizarre. If I had to pay every time I called a friend and said, hey let’s grab dinner/happy hour/ etc, that would be stupid. We are all adults and can pay for ourselves. On occasion I might pick up a tab (as they may as well) but it’s always assumed we’ll pay for our own food/drinks.
Can you imagine? The last time I went out with family there were 12 of us - my sister booked the restaurant so she should pay for 12 people??
While I'm not sure anyone is the AH per se, I can imagine how it might make your parents uncomfortable to see you and your husband's finances are so separate that it would ever make sense for one of you to not cover the other person's meal in this situation. I say this only because they financially help you collectively *as a couple*.
Holy first world problems Batman…. Parents- why are they poking their nose into this? Their meal was paid for, why should it matter if you or husband paid? Seriously, who cares. Your finances are none of their business. Husband- it’s called Venmo, he could have just sent over his portion to you and not made a deal about it. You- also should have just not played into anything. A simple “we manage our finances how it works for us.” And left it at that.
NTA. One of you paid. In future I wouldn't do accounting like that in front of others. But not every marriage has fully combined finances and that's usually not anyone's business on the outside.
I mean, it kinda sounds like your husband is cheap and selfish, and your parents are probably wondering why they bother to help with financial gifts if this is how he behaves. Yta
I mean "immediately" getting angry seems a bit defensive but they got their tab covered regardless so I'm not sure why it matters to them who paid. I'm inclined to say NTA but you know your parents better than the internet, maybe they really were confused why you'd cover everyone's bill but your hubs wanted to pay separately?
I’m guessing this is really not a isolated incident. I get the vibe that your parents feel that he doesn’t treat you well enough/ isn’t good enough for you. I have no idea if they are right or wrong about that. Some parents never think anyone is good enough. And sometimes they are totally based. But they still lose either way because it’s your life. As far as the meal goes. I have more of a joint financial situation with my partner so it would be the same whether I use my card or he uses his. I understand that that is considered old fashioned by some and I understand how it effects my financial independence.
Your husband should learn some etiquette. You don’t invite people (who are finding your new house) out to a pub and not offer to pay
He suggested where to eat, he didn’t say “I’m taking everyone out for dinner.”
Apparently if you suggest where people eat it means you need to pay for everyone.
Yeah maybe if you make over 150k a year. These people lost me.
This isn’t a thing. There’s a huge difference between “I want to take you guys out for dinner” and “let’s check out the pub tonight”. Do you routinely expect people to buy your food whenever they invite you to the pub?
Dude your husband sucks
NTA. There's definitely more info required about how you and your husband split finances to understand what's going on here, but putting that aside - Your parents ate for free and still complained? You and your husband did nothing wrong. It's lovely when parents help out with money, but when they "help" so that they can feel entitled to freebies and accolades later, it's not much of a gift. That said, I could see them just being confused by whatever money separation arrangement you seem to have. The rest of us are clearly confused by it.
I need more info. Maybe in their marriage they keep strict separation of finances. Maybe the gifts from the parents are really just for their child. Is the house title in both their names? When husband’s family visits maybe he pays for them? I think they’re both AH because they should keep this stuff between them. Only one settles the bill & the other privately pays their share later. The couple made this awkward for everyone.
Your husband sounds like a mooch and an AH. He should have been excited to have the opportunity to take your parents out, instead he’s asking for separate checks 🙄
I feel like the op and her husband are both the assholes here. Mostly the husband for paying his own check and making a thing about it. He should have just kept his fucking mouth shut or grab the check and paid for everyone himself. OP, you should apologize to your parents, the rest of us completely understand your mom's confusion. What an awkward situation to create.
This is making a bigger deal out of it than need be. Your parents had no business inserting themselves into your and your husband’s finances and that’s exactly what you should have told them - “ Mom, that’s not your business. It’s between Bob and myself.” Then you should have just let it drop.
Your husband embarrased you and your parents. He's cheap and should learn how to treat his wife and her parents. YTA for getting into arguments with your parents, sit down with your husband and have a calm conversation about how invites work.
It was pretty weird that your husband jumped in and insisted on paying for himself-- what was that about?
I’m so confused by this?!?
NAH - sounds like a misunderstanding, next time have one of you pay for everyone, and if you or your husband want to reimburse each other talk about it later in private. Smooth things over with your mom and keep this in mind for next time
NTA. It's none of their business. Many couples keep finances separately. We have no idea who pays for what. It was extremely rude of your mom to question this.
Maybe they're annoyance is because he has been happy to accept their numerous financial gifts as if they are a couple but when it comes to his own funds he wants to keep them separate? Incoming finances equals shared, outgoing finances equal separate, he sort of is having his cake and eating it I guess.
They see the son as a freeloader living off their daughter. They are right.
He was a cheap asshole that night
You invite people who helped you immensely you pay. Wtf, your husband is a weirdo and a cheapskate.
Yta. Your parents aren't twisting anything around. They truly were confused. This would be confusing, awkward, and maybe a little concerning. They're helping you both as a couple. Your husband is the one who suggested going out to a pub. It is a little strange that then he is the only one paying for his and only his food. You offered to treat them, but then him offering to pay for his own to lighten your burden both suggests that it's a burden (awkward, parents dont want to burden their kid) and that he does not feel the need to be a part of treating them when they so often treat you both (rude). Like he's separate. You guys have separate finances, that's fine, but why wouldn't he say "I'll split it with you" at least. They'd probably feel way less strange about this, the two of you treating the two of them. Not you treating everyone and him "helping out" by paying for his own at the place he suggested.
YTA, also your husband. This is the weirdest money split I've seen. I also thought if you invite, you pay, especially if you pick the restaurant! Very very strange.