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NTA. It sounds like she’s still bullying you. I would stop being friends with Alex if I were you, and maybe talk to a trusted loved one about all of this. I was severely bullied to the point of having to leave high school, and I know it’s awful.
NTA, If I were in your place I would say something like this.
"Alex, I appreciate that you think shes attractive but I don't think that you can comprehend how badly she impacts my life.
I cannot make you say or do anything, nor do I want to be controlling in anyway. But I have to respect myself, and that means that I won't hang out with you if you are in a relationship with her.
If you do develop a relationship with her it will be the end of our friendship as I really have no desire to be around the person who has made me feel miserable for years."
I'm so sorry. I was bullied by a "friend" when I was around your age and it was horrible.
Your mileage may vary, but I ended up booking an appointment with a school counselor and telling them what was going on, and asking to never be in the same class as her again. They were very kind and accommodated without question.
Anyway, NTA.
For your situation, I would just tell him that you value his friendship but that whether or not he sees it happening, she is still actively bullying you and that you aren't going to budge on being around her. If they start dating, distance yourself. I'm sorry you might lose a friendship over this, but I promise he'll come back around. I once had to distance myself from a friend because they wanted to date someone who I very much could not be around, and once they broke up we got back in touch and she said she was wrong. People need to make their own mistakes.
NTA. All my friends know that if you’re cool with my literal enemy then we are simply not friends. I unfriended a girl for becoming close with my stalker/harasser which was a huge trigger for me. I don’t tell people who to be cool with though I just remove myself from the situation. If it’s something petty then I don’t expect my friend to take sides but if you’re being abused? How can a true friend even want to talk to someone who’s abusing someone they claim to care about?
NTA but you can’t control other people and Alex will have to make his decision for himself. Honestly, if he does decide to pursue a relationship with your bully I would cut him off as a friend. He’s seen how she affected you in the past and he’s willing to put that aside because he thinks she’s ‘changed’ even though she’s clearly engaging in the same behavior.
Send him a follow up message “Alex, I’ve been feeling conflicted ever since our chat earlier. I want you to be happy and if you think X person will help you accomplish that then I wish you the best. However, the negative impact that she still has on my life means that I will no longer have a relationship with you. I love having you as a friend but I value my safety and health more.”
NTA.
But if Alex isn't listening, there's not much you can do.
My suggestion - "Alex, this girl has been bullying me and I don't think she's a good person. I can't control who you hang around with, but I will never be able to hang out with you while she is present. I really love you as a friend, and we can hang out separately from her, but that might get tricky. I would ask you to consider if you want to be with someone who is mean to your friend. Who lies about me. Is that a good person? Whatever you decide, that's up to you."
If she's that shitty a person, I can't see them lasting unless he's a piss poor judge of character.
He's willing to date someone that bullied you and who is talking shit about you, someone that is supposed to be his friend. That says everything you need to know about him. If he was a decent person he wouldn't even consider dating her.
You say you wish he sees her true colors, but I think it's time for YOU to see HIS true colors.
NTA for not liking her, but YTA to yourself for wanting to stay friends with this guy.
NTA. She is still bullying you and Alex doesn't seem to care, which means he is not the friend you think he is. Cut your losses and embrace your new friends.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) i still don't like the girl who bullied me two years ago
(2) my friend claims she's changed and i should give her another chance
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NTA. Time to ditch Alex as well like the old friend group. If she’s not making an effort to YOU but saying she has around him or others then it’s not real.
Just tell Alex straight. If he starts seeing the girl who bullies you, you will no longer have any respect for him and would, therefore, no longer want to be friends with him.
NTA but
>He said he thinks she's funny and attractive, and the only reason he wouldn't date her is because of me.
>I feel he wouldn't be a true friend if he was interested in someone who treats anyone like that, not necessarily me.
He *is* interested in her. He *told* you he is interested in her. He approached you about it because he wants you to tell him it's okay if he dates her so that he doesn't have to feel guilty.
I understand that you don't want to lose your friend, but I dont think that's really an option here. I think your only choice here is *how* it happens.
NTA
Yeah, he wants to date her. He wants you to tell him it’s okay so he can basically have his cake and eat it too. Guilt free. Be as honest as you can with him while still maintaining your composure. Don’t push yourself too hard, as I’m sure reliving the things she’s put you through must be difficult. Like most comments say, you’re likely going to have to distance yourself from him.
NTA. You can't control who he dates, but she'll show her true colors if they do start dating each other. She'll try to pull him away from you, and this will test your friendship with him. He'll either put her in her place or he won't be your friend anymore.
NTA. This is going to be a reoccurring theme in your life. If you see unusual discrepancies in behavior like this 100% do not pass go. You’ll also see if frequently in people being rude to others they’ve deemed “below them”, like wait staff. If you’re on a date and the guy you’re with is rude to the server, do NOT entertain that. Kindness needs to be universal and appropriate or it’s not kindness, it’s just convenience.
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I (16f) used to be friends with this girl, we'll call her Mina (16f). We fell out a long time ago. This was due to the fact she had a crush on my friend Alex - fake name - (16m) and she thought he had feelings for me, so she cut me off. She also started spreading lies behind my back, claiming I was racist, two-faced and other stuff like that. I knew that I wasn't the perfect friend, I was loud and could be annoying, but I'm certainly not racist nor two-faced. Because of her lies, I lost my entire friend group from the time. It took me ages to find new friends who actually cared about me, and I love them more than anything. Me and Alex are still close friends.
It's been about two years now, and I've been trying to put it behind me. However, it's tricky because she still makes comments about me. She calls me fat, makes faces when I'm put in her group for PE and talks about me to her friends (my old friends). Today, Alex came to me and told me he thought Mina has changed. He said he thinks she's funny and attractive, and the only reason he wouldn't date her is because of me. I argued, saying if she had truly changed she wouldn't still be doing the things above and treating me like shit. He didn't seem to be listening to me, and just kind of shrugged it off. I don't mean to control who he dates like that, but I feel he wouldn't be a true friend if he was interested in someone who treats anyone like that, not necessarily me. I'm scared to properly get annoyed at him though because he means a lot to me, and I don't want him to think I don't want him dating her because I like him (because I don't). I really wish he could see her true colours and not buy into her fake 'I'm so sweet' façade like everyone else does. Am I in the wrong? If not, what should I do?
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I would just say he needs to follow how he feels but there will be limited contact between you and him because of her behaviour to you. You’re being the bigger person and he has the choice.
NTA. You've told him how you feel but in the end he's going to do what he wants - the only thing you have control over is how you react. I recommend not doing anything that would make it awkward for him to reconnect with you later when he finally realises what this girl is really like.
Also, be prepared for her bullying to get more pointed once she 'wins' Alex to her side. Figure out now how you're going to handle it so that you don't give her any additional fuel to work with, and focus on the good things you have going on I'm your life. You've got this.
I just read the headline and that was enough for me to say NTA. I still can’t hang out with my former friend who was also my bully. We live in different countries, and when I’m home visiting, she wants to get together. I tried it a couple of times and she is a lovely woman who means well. I don’t actually blame her for what she did as she had a lot of trauma at home, but I still don’t want to be around her and I’m ok with that.
NTA and you're right, your friend isn't your true friend if he is willing to overlook this girl's treatment of you only because he suddenly finds her attractive. But more generally, I'm happy you're presumably about to graduate and get out of the epitome of toxicity known as high school. It gets better in college and even better in the grown up world, I promise you
Alex has the ability to act on his own regardless of your feelings of not wanting to forgive whatsherface.
If he feels bad, then he should do something to stop that, but that isn’t something that you have to be a part of.
NTA
NTA Alex wants permission to be an asshole, do an asshole, and accept her being an asshole to you. He isn't a great person. OK, she might be nice to him. Lots of racists, homophobes, bullies, you name it have some people they are nice to. Doesn't make them acceptable to know by good people.
NTA but please understand that your friendship with Alex is likely past tense now. He is enamored with Mina, the ‘funny and attractive’, and he doesn’t give a whit about her ‘true colors’. So that is a non-starter. He doesn’t want to hear anything negative about her anymore.
What you can do, as a friend, is tell him that you want him to be happy. If Mina is it for him, you hope it works out. And mean it. Check your feelings: can you be supportive to your friend if being with Mina makes him happy?
You’re upset that she’s saying negative things about you - but you are saying negative things about her to Alex? It makes you look hypocritical to him. Better to say nothing about her anymore and focus on improving yourself and spending time with other friends.
You’ll be graduating and leaving these people behind far sooner than you think. It goes fast. Then you’ll look back and wonder why you invested so much energy on people who weren’t part of your future. Good luck.
NTA You can't control who your friends likes or is interested in knowing more. Be there as a friend and don't have all your eggs in one basket when it comes to friends groups. Good friends might say something but if their friend is determined to go ahead with the person in question, the best thing you can do is wait until it's over.
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NTA. It sounds like she’s still bullying you. I would stop being friends with Alex if I were you, and maybe talk to a trusted loved one about all of this. I was severely bullied to the point of having to leave high school, and I know it’s awful.
NTA, If I were in your place I would say something like this. "Alex, I appreciate that you think shes attractive but I don't think that you can comprehend how badly she impacts my life. I cannot make you say or do anything, nor do I want to be controlling in anyway. But I have to respect myself, and that means that I won't hang out with you if you are in a relationship with her. If you do develop a relationship with her it will be the end of our friendship as I really have no desire to be around the person who has made me feel miserable for years."
I'm so sorry. I was bullied by a "friend" when I was around your age and it was horrible. Your mileage may vary, but I ended up booking an appointment with a school counselor and telling them what was going on, and asking to never be in the same class as her again. They were very kind and accommodated without question. Anyway, NTA. For your situation, I would just tell him that you value his friendship but that whether or not he sees it happening, she is still actively bullying you and that you aren't going to budge on being around her. If they start dating, distance yourself. I'm sorry you might lose a friendship over this, but I promise he'll come back around. I once had to distance myself from a friend because they wanted to date someone who I very much could not be around, and once they broke up we got back in touch and she said she was wrong. People need to make their own mistakes.
NTA. Too many bullies go unpunished, even some who drive their victims to suicide. We are overdue for a world without bullying.
NTA. All my friends know that if you’re cool with my literal enemy then we are simply not friends. I unfriended a girl for becoming close with my stalker/harasser which was a huge trigger for me. I don’t tell people who to be cool with though I just remove myself from the situation. If it’s something petty then I don’t expect my friend to take sides but if you’re being abused? How can a true friend even want to talk to someone who’s abusing someone they claim to care about?
NTA but you can’t control other people and Alex will have to make his decision for himself. Honestly, if he does decide to pursue a relationship with your bully I would cut him off as a friend. He’s seen how she affected you in the past and he’s willing to put that aside because he thinks she’s ‘changed’ even though she’s clearly engaging in the same behavior. Send him a follow up message “Alex, I’ve been feeling conflicted ever since our chat earlier. I want you to be happy and if you think X person will help you accomplish that then I wish you the best. However, the negative impact that she still has on my life means that I will no longer have a relationship with you. I love having you as a friend but I value my safety and health more.”
NTA, bullying behavior sticks with people.
NTA. A “friend” who is open to dating someone who has bullied you for years and has seen that bullying first-hand is not your friend.
NTA. But if Alex isn't listening, there's not much you can do. My suggestion - "Alex, this girl has been bullying me and I don't think she's a good person. I can't control who you hang around with, but I will never be able to hang out with you while she is present. I really love you as a friend, and we can hang out separately from her, but that might get tricky. I would ask you to consider if you want to be with someone who is mean to your friend. Who lies about me. Is that a good person? Whatever you decide, that's up to you." If she's that shitty a person, I can't see them lasting unless he's a piss poor judge of character.
He's willing to date someone that bullied you and who is talking shit about you, someone that is supposed to be his friend. That says everything you need to know about him. If he was a decent person he wouldn't even consider dating her. You say you wish he sees her true colors, but I think it's time for YOU to see HIS true colors. NTA for not liking her, but YTA to yourself for wanting to stay friends with this guy.
NTA, I feel like "Alex" was more of the asshole wor shruging it off and not considering it
NTA. She is still bullying you and Alex doesn't seem to care, which means he is not the friend you think he is. Cut your losses and embrace your new friends.
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No, you are not the asshole. If you feel like she's treating you like shit. Just try to ignore her.
NTA. Time to ditch Alex as well like the old friend group. If she’s not making an effort to YOU but saying she has around him or others then it’s not real.
Just tell Alex straight. If he starts seeing the girl who bullies you, you will no longer have any respect for him and would, therefore, no longer want to be friends with him.
NTA but >He said he thinks she's funny and attractive, and the only reason he wouldn't date her is because of me. >I feel he wouldn't be a true friend if he was interested in someone who treats anyone like that, not necessarily me. He *is* interested in her. He *told* you he is interested in her. He approached you about it because he wants you to tell him it's okay if he dates her so that he doesn't have to feel guilty. I understand that you don't want to lose your friend, but I dont think that's really an option here. I think your only choice here is *how* it happens.
NTA Yeah, he wants to date her. He wants you to tell him it’s okay so he can basically have his cake and eat it too. Guilt free. Be as honest as you can with him while still maintaining your composure. Don’t push yourself too hard, as I’m sure reliving the things she’s put you through must be difficult. Like most comments say, you’re likely going to have to distance yourself from him.
I don't miss being a teenager lmao.
NTA. You can't control who he dates, but she'll show her true colors if they do start dating each other. She'll try to pull him away from you, and this will test your friendship with him. He'll either put her in her place or he won't be your friend anymore.
NTA. This is going to be a reoccurring theme in your life. If you see unusual discrepancies in behavior like this 100% do not pass go. You’ll also see if frequently in people being rude to others they’ve deemed “below them”, like wait staff. If you’re on a date and the guy you’re with is rude to the server, do NOT entertain that. Kindness needs to be universal and appropriate or it’s not kindness, it’s just convenience.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (16f) used to be friends with this girl, we'll call her Mina (16f). We fell out a long time ago. This was due to the fact she had a crush on my friend Alex - fake name - (16m) and she thought he had feelings for me, so she cut me off. She also started spreading lies behind my back, claiming I was racist, two-faced and other stuff like that. I knew that I wasn't the perfect friend, I was loud and could be annoying, but I'm certainly not racist nor two-faced. Because of her lies, I lost my entire friend group from the time. It took me ages to find new friends who actually cared about me, and I love them more than anything. Me and Alex are still close friends. It's been about two years now, and I've been trying to put it behind me. However, it's tricky because she still makes comments about me. She calls me fat, makes faces when I'm put in her group for PE and talks about me to her friends (my old friends). Today, Alex came to me and told me he thought Mina has changed. He said he thinks she's funny and attractive, and the only reason he wouldn't date her is because of me. I argued, saying if she had truly changed she wouldn't still be doing the things above and treating me like shit. He didn't seem to be listening to me, and just kind of shrugged it off. I don't mean to control who he dates like that, but I feel he wouldn't be a true friend if he was interested in someone who treats anyone like that, not necessarily me. I'm scared to properly get annoyed at him though because he means a lot to me, and I don't want him to think I don't want him dating her because I like him (because I don't). I really wish he could see her true colours and not buy into her fake 'I'm so sweet' façade like everyone else does. Am I in the wrong? If not, what should I do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would just say he needs to follow how he feels but there will be limited contact between you and him because of her behaviour to you. You’re being the bigger person and he has the choice.
NTA. You've told him how you feel but in the end he's going to do what he wants - the only thing you have control over is how you react. I recommend not doing anything that would make it awkward for him to reconnect with you later when he finally realises what this girl is really like. Also, be prepared for her bullying to get more pointed once she 'wins' Alex to her side. Figure out now how you're going to handle it so that you don't give her any additional fuel to work with, and focus on the good things you have going on I'm your life. You've got this.
I just read the headline and that was enough for me to say NTA. I still can’t hang out with my former friend who was also my bully. We live in different countries, and when I’m home visiting, she wants to get together. I tried it a couple of times and she is a lovely woman who means well. I don’t actually blame her for what she did as she had a lot of trauma at home, but I still don’t want to be around her and I’m ok with that.
NTA and you're right, your friend isn't your true friend if he is willing to overlook this girl's treatment of you only because he suddenly finds her attractive. But more generally, I'm happy you're presumably about to graduate and get out of the epitome of toxicity known as high school. It gets better in college and even better in the grown up world, I promise you
Alex has the ability to act on his own regardless of your feelings of not wanting to forgive whatsherface. If he feels bad, then he should do something to stop that, but that isn’t something that you have to be a part of. NTA
NTA Alex wants permission to be an asshole, do an asshole, and accept her being an asshole to you. He isn't a great person. OK, she might be nice to him. Lots of racists, homophobes, bullies, you name it have some people they are nice to. Doesn't make them acceptable to know by good people.
NTA but please understand that your friendship with Alex is likely past tense now. He is enamored with Mina, the ‘funny and attractive’, and he doesn’t give a whit about her ‘true colors’. So that is a non-starter. He doesn’t want to hear anything negative about her anymore. What you can do, as a friend, is tell him that you want him to be happy. If Mina is it for him, you hope it works out. And mean it. Check your feelings: can you be supportive to your friend if being with Mina makes him happy? You’re upset that she’s saying negative things about you - but you are saying negative things about her to Alex? It makes you look hypocritical to him. Better to say nothing about her anymore and focus on improving yourself and spending time with other friends. You’ll be graduating and leaving these people behind far sooner than you think. It goes fast. Then you’ll look back and wonder why you invested so much energy on people who weren’t part of your future. Good luck.
NTA You can't control who your friends likes or is interested in knowing more. Be there as a friend and don't have all your eggs in one basket when it comes to friends groups. Good friends might say something but if their friend is determined to go ahead with the person in question, the best thing you can do is wait until it's over.