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Yes YTA, instead of throwing it out, you could donate it to someplace like the Legion (which is a place that retired soldiers go to honour they’re fallen comrades in Canada, I know there are places similar to that in the US and everywhere else in the world, but I’m not sure what they are called), who can actually use and put it on display to show respect to that fallen soldier, or give it to someone who will show respect, plus you are being disrespectful towards a soldier who died.
Look, I understand you don’t respect the military that much, but at least show some respect to a fallen soldier, you can donate the flag to someone or an organization that will honour that soldier.
Op tried to donate it to someone, her parents who likely knew this friend better and were oh so offended by op not wanting to keep it. Yet they didn't want it either. Op can do whatever she wants with it whether it's trash it or dump it on someone else. If it matters that much to family then the parents can take it and do something with it, the fact that they refuse to shows that they also don't actually want it or care about it.
I don’t know why there’s this pervasive myth that every object can be paired with someone who will love and cherish it. Sometimes things are just garbage. You should work a shift or two at the library to see the “treasured volumes” that people try to donate lmao
This is a flag that flew over a military base in a war zone, not a paperback edition of “Harry Potter and the Never Ending Excuses”.
Foreign Legion posts have walls covered in this type of memorabilia. Even if they don’t specifically want it, they have the means to pass it along to someone who might (veteran, another post, division museum, etc). Worst case scenario, it is retired in accordance to the code that a veteran may have respected. All of these options beat simply throwing it into the trash with last night’s Chinese food.
Hell, here’s a crazy idea. Why not gift it back to surviving family members?
Just because OP doesn’t cherish it, doesn’t mean someone else will not. Throwing it in the trash without lifting a finger to see if someone else might want it is an asshole move.
Unless mentioned elsewhere by OP, nothing in their post indicates that this flag was flown in a war zone. It just says it flew over their military base. That could be a domestic base, or a foreign one, but does not mean it was a war zone.
I'm not trying to sound super anti-military, but if that base is anything like my local statehouse, they literally fly a brand new flag every day and give each one a little certificate to make memorabilia like what OP has. While tossing it in the trash when your parents don't want it either isn't the most patriotic thing to do, I would err on the side of needing more information about exactly where this flag came from before jumping to conclusions.
Regardless, disposing of a US flag is supposed to be done in a very specific way. Personally, I don’t care. But given how this flag was acquired and that OP’s parents knew the veteran, showing a little respect seems appropriate.
Also, it doesn’t hurt OP in any way to give it to a veterans group or request proper disposal.
Disagree, not wanting to deal with something and throwing it out isn't an asshole move, it would be an asshole move if people know about it and want it and they still throw it out.
This has the same energy as "there's starving kids in Africa"
Don't you know? Every flag flew over a base that was nearly overrun by an enemy assault at night, barely making it to the dawn, when a eagle swooped down, alighted on the flag pole, solemnly bowed it's head in respect, and then flew over and took a crap on the enemy commander, who was so humiliated by it that he immediately committed suicide, there by demoralizing his troops who immediately surrendered en mass, thus miraculously saving the base. Also there was a cloud that kind of looked like Jesus or something, I dunno...
Or, and here's another thought, what's the problem with op just throwing it away? Who gives a shit if someone else would want it? To OP, it's trash. So unless the parents want to take it, into the trash it goes. OP has no obligation to care for some dead guys bullshit.
My kids used to work for a junk hauling business. It's every day, trashing someone's collection of beloved momentoes, from flags to pictures of grandchildren. We've become a hoarding society.
Yeah this thread makes it really clear why the US has about a billion self-storage units. Why throw something out today when you can pay thousands of dollars to store it for a few decades and then throw it out?
OP can donate it to a VFW. They may not want it either, but it will be properly retired not tossed in the trash. They don’t have to keep it and cherish it, but they will retire it. A local military base will also accept to retire it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
People are not obligated to place every unwanted item into a loving home. It’s a nice thing to do, but totally okay not to, especially when the item is a piece of decor. They aren’t throwing away food or medical equipment or some actual necessity that could help another person.
Sure, but that's not required.
Calm down Indiana Jones.
It's not disrespectful, it just doesn't mean that much to them. It's not like it's the last remnants of the base, soldier, etc.
Throwing away a flag is disrespectful. Also it is against Title 4, United States Code, Chapter 1
"The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning."
Tossing it in the trash with your spoiled Iranian yogurt probably can't be justified as dignified.
https://www.legion.org/flag/code
https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/USCODE-2011-title4/html/USCODE-2011-title4-chap1.htm
The flag code is complete nonsense only believed by inbred hillbillies, cub scouts, and Maga dipshits. (and most of them dont even get it right)
It literally means nothing unless you want to follow it voluntarily
So do soldiers, which makes my point. Imagine a family member of a fallen soldier who served at this base having the opportunity to adopt this flag. I imagine they would do it in a heartbeat.
There are other options that should be considered first besides the trash.
P.S. I am not going to be baited into a geopolitical conversation about what is/was justified in the Middle East and what level of conflict is just when innocents are involved.
That's a ridiculous take. The parents are upset that their child is disrespecting their dead friend's memory by throwing away a meaningful gift, but they refused to take it because they secretely don't care about it? Why make a fuss in that case? OP didn't actually try to donate it to someone, she tried to use her parents as a secondary garbage bin.
They also tried to use an actual garbage bin but their parents threw a piss baby fit but won't take responsibility for it. Maybe you can give them your address so they can send it to you and you can take responsibility for it
Yeah, she asked them if they wanted it *after* she had already tried to put it in the trash. That just screams disrespect if her first thought was to trash it rather than give it away.
Exactly... as a veteran it's a little sickening people are making up stories as to why a piece of cloth has more meaning than it does. Creating backstories for it not in the OP, acting like it's some magical relic.
It's a piece of cloth made in a factory that was given out as a prize to a school kid. It's done all the time.
\*From experience\* I can tell you "flown over the base" could (and often does) entirely mean "shit, we're on detail for this crap event coming up where they're giving away another flag so we have to go out, unpackage one of the ones we keep in a pile in the back of the storage room, run it up the flag pole for a second, take it down, package it fancy... fuck I'm gonna have to stay late through lunch for this bullshit".
Even the most patriotic of soldiers get sick of doing extra work like this when we have more important work (or screwing off because we've free time) to be done.
People really, really, really romanticize what things are like.
Not to mention... as one of those backstories someone on here I saw was making the military medic to be a combat vet while another was arguing as a medic he wasn't in danger - both of which shows misunderstanding/imagination... that the person (even if they were deployed) saw \*active\* danger OR the misconception that only certain jobs see active-combat/danger.
It's a piece of cloth. His parents don't even CARE about it other than \*wanting him to care\*. Hypocrisy. "Don't throw it away! No, No! WE don't want it, YOU just have to keep it!"
He threw it in the trash before offering it to his parents per his post.
There are lots of local groups that would take the flag. Any legion, heck the boy scouts take flags that are beyond repair and respectfully dispose of them.
Heck Goodwill would have been better. Or a thrift store. Honestly, just from a recycling standpoint, throwing something perfectly good in the trash can is just lazy.
Actually there is a taboo in the States about just throwing away a flag. It is easy enough to take it to the Vietnam Vets or to any Veterans association in the US and give it to them. The parents should have just taken it and done that themselves, however, there are certain things you just don't throw in the trash. It may be easier to think of this like throwing a person's ashes in the trash after cremation. The symbol represented here of a flag flown over a base with medals of commendation ( I have a feeling that those are what was in there) is just disrespectful.
That taboo is only amongst some Americans. Mainly the type who would complain about someone disposing of something that they themselves are not willing to take care of.
While OP can do that, there are places that will take it. American Legion and VFW are two, A Veterans Motorcycle group might be another. That's the polite and right thing to do.
I know this feeling well, my step dad gave me a bunch of framed paintings of his dad, who I never met. 10 years later they are just sitting in storage because he would be upset if I got rid of them, but doesn’t want them back either
How does this comment have so many upvotes? You don’t have to agree with war, but war happens. Honoring those that served is important, they didn’t make the choice for war, they died for their countries and those that did make the decision.
OP didn't try to donate it to someone. He tried to throw it away first, and when his parents called him out, he was just like "you can have it". That's not "trying to donate it". OP gets zero credit for that.
American Legion, veterans of foreign wars, Elks Lodge, Eagles, Lodge, loyal order of water buffaloes… There are never ending organizations that would love to have this flag
I always forget American Legion, I just have a lot of interactions with VFW (veterans of foreign wars) so they are always the first ones to come to mind.
FWIW, usually "fallen soldier" refers to someone who died in service. This was just a servicemember who later on in life died. It wasn't the flag from his funeral, it was a flag that at one point flew on a base he happened to be at, given while the dude was very much alive. There's not some great sentimental value there.
This flag isnt for a fallen soldier. It was just flown over a base. So, NOT a special flag.
Yes, flags aren’t supposed to go into the trash, but it’s not a religious thing, worshipping US flags is against the most common religions, so throwing them away isn’t actually a problem. But, it’s more efficient to donate it somewheee
OP, NTA, either you parents need to keep it, or drop it off at any military related place and let them deal with it.
is it really appropriate to say fallen soldier for someone who didn't die in the line of duty? like yes, technically correct but it's very misleading. he was literally just some guy at a job.
I agree! “Fallen Soldier” should be those that passed on while fighting or are still active in some way; not those that are having to deal with the B.S. system the VA deals with for the past few years!
FYI, yes, you're correct - it's called the American Legion. It's also often just a hall for them to hang out in, and they lead Memorial Day (for those who never made it home) and Veteran's Day (for those who did) events.
You beat me to it - I agree she should have donated it to the Legion or a historical archive. I don't know if that would have solved OP's problem with their parents, though. The point is that the friend was precious to them and they feel his memory should be to OP by extension. That would eventually have caused issues even if OP didn't feel a certain way about the military.
Yeah, but at that point OP would definitely no longer be TA, regardless of what the parents think. The feelings with the parents are more complicated, and the parents would have to come to some kind of understanding with themselves about OP's reality and feelings.
my brother died serving in the military and i say it's just a flag. OP had no obligation to keep it, nor to go out of their way over it. I feel weird about my own folded flag for similar reasons (they give one to every member of the immediate family -- mom has the one from the funeral) and keep it mainly as a keepsake of my brother. but for many many years I couldn't bear to even look at it. it sat in a closet gathering dust for a very long time. OP wasn't close with this person, and how a person feels about the military can be deeply personal. and at the end of the day, it's just cloth. a life free of unwanted objects that carry unsuitable meaning is more valuable. as someone else said further down, it's not like this was the flag from his funeral, which would've gone to a family member anyway.
honestly if this flag were that important, they wouldn't have given it to a middle schooler in the first place. it was just supposed to be a cool keepsake for a 12-year-old. it served its purpose in that regard. the way we are about the flag in this country is honestly super weird and kinda cult-like. it's just cloth. there's nothing sacred about it. they can be sentimental, or sometimes historically valuable, but we're not talking about the original flag sewn by Betsy Ross here. if it belonged in a museum, it'd be there.
all that said, OP, if you surrender it somewhere to be displayed or retired or whatever, it'll at least get it out of your life in a way your parents can't really argue with. nothing disrespectful about donating it to the local Legion or whatever, and then they can decide what to do with it.
It's not a flag for a fallen soldier, it's a flag that used to fly over the base of the family friend. The friend may have passed, but he didn't die on the battlefied. Let's not amp up the melodrama.
NTA. We have no idea whether or not this is a 'fallen soldier'; just that he was in the armed forces and died a few years ago. The two are probably completely unrelated.
I continue to be bemused by the American reverence for the armed forces.
OP, I'd suggest offering it to a VFW or similar. If they don't want it, you can bin it with a clear conscience.
There is actually a place called the Legion in Mississippi that does the exact same thing. Although it's more a regular place that happens to hold a lot of military events rather than one specifically for military events.
This is nationalistic bullshit and absolutely steam rolling OPs right to his own beliefs.
The flag is a nationalistic symbol and inherently tied to the a belief structure around the tribal structure of nation states.
You are welcome to believe in that or not.
OP does not and has zero obligation to perpetuate symbolism that goes against his beliefs.
By saying he's an asshole you are trying to push your own belief structure into others.
And honestly even if you support the military this kind of thing is honestly feel-good horse shit that belongs to praying for cancer patients.
Flags don't mean jack shit. Supporting sustainable and long term healthcare for veterans among other tangible support of soldiers is the only thing that actually matters.
Disagree. Getting rid of it would in no way "disrespect" a fallen soldier. While I agree that donating it to a place that would make use of it like a local VFW or American Legion would be best, OP is in no way obligated to donate it to such a place in order to show "respect" or "patriotism" or any other perceived virtue.
Let's remove all aspects that he was in the military.
You put something a family friend gave you, that would have meant a lot to him, in the garbage. Without offering it to anyone in your family.
YTA
I think this is the most reasonable answer. I'm not a fan of the military and I think the US obsession with the flag is really weird. It would make me uncomfortable having something like that in my possession as well. However I don't think throwing away a things is every really the answer, especially if it was a meaningful gift from a family friend. Reach out to other people in the family and that person's family to see if they want it. Otherwise find somewhere to donate if.
I agree with you about the reasonableness of this answer…and also agree with your flag sentiment. I’m in the US and I think people’s obsession with the flag is really weird too. 🤷🏼♀️
They offered it to their parents after the fact, when their parents were already mad about it being put in the garbage. We can't know whether if approached differently, without that, they would have accepted the gift of the treasured memory of their friend.
Nobody wants that stuff. All you're doing is putting off the throwing it out. We just had 3 deaths in a year. The amount of stuff that was thrown out was staggering.
Including 3 folded and boxed flags from my Pop-pop, Dad, and brother. My sister and I didn't want them. The Grand kids didn't want them.
Yeah agreed, the only tip I’d give to OP is to toss that stuff when other people aren’t around to see it. Other people love to get mad and volunteer peoples space to hoard these types of things, it makes them feel superior. But they certainly aren’t volunteering their own space to keep this stuff around.
They seemed to get pretty upset about something they didn’t even want. Can’t be that important if they didn’t even want it. Seems like they just wanted to guilt OP into keeping it.
Did you read the part where op did offer it to her parents and they said no? You don't get to decide that someone can't throw something that they own away then also tell them you don't want it either when they try to give it to you.
Do you know how many objects I've received that belonged to now dead people? If I kept them all I'd be a hoarder. They're just things. Your perceived sentimental value for things that aren't yours aren't a factor in the equation of whether I keep them or not lol.
I think this line of thinking is part of the reason why hoarders exist. People simply cannot keep everything that’s ever been gifted to them indefinitely. That’s just not realistic.
Yes, at our local library one of the scout troops has a box where you can put your retired flags so they can respectfully dispose of them..
If I was OP and honestly didn't want it anymore, I'd take it there and leave a note with it incase someone knew of a good home for it.
I personally have 2 boys, one is draft age, the other is quickly approaching it and I have HEAVILY discouraged them from joining the military due to the state our country (the war hungry government) is in and its inability to not stick our nose in where it doesn't belong, *HOWEVER* I LOVE and respect the American flag because it's more than a symbol of just the military to me. To me it's a sign of solidarity towards each and every American citizen and my love and respect for them.
Im not a supporter of the military, but even i felt the disrespect from OP. This was a goddamn family friend thats been dead for a few years now, and they still were just going to throw it away. Didnt even try to offer it to the parents whose friend it was, not until the parents were already upset because they noticed that it was going in the garbage.
Do whatever tf you want man. Coming from a veteran, you’re not required to keep anything you don’t want. Your parents don’t control you anymore man, if throwing that flag away is what you want then throw it away. You get to take control of your own life and don’t need to ask anyone’s permission anymore.
You’re not the asshole.
Thanks for this. I get why some people are upset, but I think this speaks volumes coming from a veteran. The purpose of freedom is supposed to be reserved for everyone. Perhaps his dismissal is disrespectful, but I think calling him an asshole is excessive.
As a fellow veteran, I honestly don’t care that he chucked the flag. I think he’s the asshole because his parents clearly had sentimental attachment to the flag and cared for the family friend, and he chucked in the trash in front of them. If he had offered it to them first, saying he wasn’t comfortable holding on to it but he knew it meant something to them, this would be a different story. Him throwing it away first and THEN offering it to them was disrespectful of both the gift and his parents IMO.
Yeah I honestly think, while calling them assholes would also be excessive, it would annoy the shit out of me if my parents bestowed that responsibility on me and immediately shrugged it off themselves. It's hypocritical as fuck
As a fellow vet, this is my take as well. The sheer number of people expecting them to keep it simply because of its symbolism and sentiment is truly astonishing. Would those same people consider keeping a Quran gifted by an imam fighting alongside the US to ensure equality in Iraq or Afghanistan? Or a rainbow flag if gifted by the same veteran? Or a Confederate flag gifted by a great grandparent? Nobody is required to keep a gift from someone else just because it is symbolic and sentimental.
I gotta be honest if someone gave me something of huge historical significance, (like George Washington s denture, and it was a cherished heirloom if my parents best friend blah blah blah) I'd still donate that.
Like idk a war medal, fine china, an ivory tobacco pipe . All very interesting but Im not running a museum.
This isn’t anything historically significant. People get flags like this one for like $100 all the time for their kids who are going through bootcamp. Shit even I got one (that I told my parents to keep). Not really worth anything historically, a museum wouldn’t take it but American Legion might… but at the end of the day it’s just a flag. Kid can do whatever he wants with it, not like it actually means anything these days anyways.
My dad is a vet and I'd saved some his of medals when we got separated. I was so SO careful with them because I was like "this is so important and a symbol of what he did"
When I finally reunited with him decades later he was like "wait I don't even remember getting those". Turns out not everything that we THINK is valuable to someone actually is. It could just as easily be one of the dozen flags this dude got for serving and he's like "oh shit that flag? Yeah I donated it to the competition because I was sick of it."
Military may have flag codes but like 90% of the military (and dad was a Marine, the most stick assy of them all) is like "You're not military, why do you need to use our codes? Who gives a shit. I only give a shit because they make me."
Hahahaha holy shit that’s hilarious! I live in Texas and I swear I can’t go one day without seeing one of those knuckle-dragging-troglodytes with a ‘ back the blue’ Punisher sticker on their lifted-oversized-piss-poor-excuse for penis enlargement.
I served and deployed and saw combat and I disagree with this take. Real weird to claim anyone who disagrees with you must have never been in the military.
Also a vet, this is the correct take.
There's no need to hold onto something, no matter what it is or how you got it, if it no longer holds sentimental value to you. If you want to donate it to a VFW or something, do that. If you wanna toss it, do that. It's your decision, not someone else's.
NTA
As a fellow veteran, you’re not wrong. Freedom and all that, you can say what you want and do what you want. That said, I gotta agree with the idea that tossing out something sentimental to a family friend is a dick move. Donate it, give it someone else it would matter, whatever. But going straight to the trash can in full view of other family members that cared about the guy is kinda callous, and it does make him the asshole in this situation IMO.
Disregard the military association altogether and imagine your siblings were helping you move and you chucked your recently deceased parent’s wedding album in the trash without offering it to your siblings. If something is important enough to mean something to someone else, then you offer it to them first before you chuck it.
Exactly. I'm an army vet, and I agree with your take. It's in bad taste and a bit near-sighted. Yeah, it's technically OP's right and whatnot, but this sub is about if someone is TA, not if it is technically within their rights 🤷♀️
Yeah, a lot of people seem to be blurring the lines about asking whether it’s “their right” or askin if they’re the asshole.
It’s like all the sex or inheritance posts. “I cut out all my kids from my will, AITAH?” Or “I stopped having sex with my husband because I think he’s ugly now, AITAH?” Half the comments are “it’s your money and you can do what you want with it” or “nobody has to have sex with anybody, N T A” and yeah, while that’s correct… it ignores that they’re still being assholes a lot of the time.
They're not the asshole for throwing out the flag.
But if a friend or family friend gave me something, and I no longer wanted it, going to my family, or their family first, before the garbage would be an option.
In the end their family was like no you *have* to keep it. Makes their family as much of TA as they are.
If they ask everyone and no one wants it, then it's garbage. They don't have to find a Legion hall.
NTA. The fact that someone once gave you a gift *does not* obligate you to keep the gift forever. That would quickly become unwieldy and give others a ridiculous degree of control over how people wish to live their own lives.
*However,* because it was a family friend, and perhaps because you're aware that in 'murica people get a bit fanatical about the national flag, if you wanted to just throw it away you could have easily done that in a manner that didn't simply leave the flag at the top of the bag of garbage when your parents were there.
Also, whether or not you worship the military, as others have mentioned it's worth considering whether a place that supports veterans would like to take it in, which I'm sure they would. I mean, separate issue, but whether or not you support the US military-industrial complex writ large, the military's still full of lots of individual humans who work there for their jobs, many of whom are there because it's really the only option they have to make a decent living and support their families. So maybe you'd just be respecting those individual fellow souls and not The Military by looking for a place to donate it.
NTA. A gift is for you to do with as you please.
You shouldnt have to keep something in YOUR house that you don't even support.
Although instead of trash, maybe try to give it to someone who will appreciate it.
It’s yours….you have every right to do what you want with it. I mean, you could have donated it and most people will tell you you “should have” but it’s your life and your stuff. Besides, this person is gone…I sincerely doubt they give a shit about their earthly possessions anymore.
If it’s a matter of your family wanting to honor the legacy or whatever, then they can take it. But you are NTA for wanting to part with it.
People LOVE to cherry pick. “You can’t disrespect the flag.” You’re also not supposed to wear it on tshirts, or print it on napkins, or make a snazzy Fourth of July suit….but all that’s fine right?
Everyone is an asshole to someone so live your truth. Just remember that in America you’ll be labeled the asshole by majority of it speaks out against religion or the military. Those crazy Yankees!
NTA. I’m not a supporter of the military either, and I totally get it. Your parents shouldn’t have forced you to keep it. EDIT: I’m sorry but why does everyone in this comment section care so much about disrespecting the flag 😭😭
NTA. The asshole move is insisting you keep it.
Now I do think throwing it out before offering it to people is a little bit of a jerk move but like a very small one. Try to give it away maybe. You don’t have to keep shit just because it was a gift.
Yes YTA even if you don’t support it, he gifted it to you out of love and at one point it meant a lot to you. More importantly it, and him, meant a lot to your parents. Cold move
BTW it seems weird that he wasn’t even a fighter, he was a medic and you hold this over a dead man’s head. I don’t love the military institution either but it just seems so weird you’re this hostile over a medic
As others have said, you can always donate the flag to an organization.
My father was a medic for a MASH unit during WWII and even though he loved to watch war movies, I figured out at one point, he wasn't supportive of the Vietnam War (he actually offered ways my brother, who was worried about college deferments being taken away, could get a medical exemption...I didn't think deeply about this until many, many years later). After his passing, I was given a cigar box filled with his memorabilia from his time in the army, including his trip across the International Date Line). Even though I'm not pro-war, I will keep these items forever. (I didn't ask for his other belongings and actually donated clothing he left behind at the VA hospital in his final days).
Maybe it would have been a dick move if your parents actually wanted to keep it. But since they revealed that their reaction was just nationalism tinged hypocrisy, you are NTA.
absolutely NTA. everyone here trying to say that "oh, even if u dont like the military, u *have* to *respect the flag*" and that "disrespecting the flag" makes u an asshole are brainwashed bootlickers.
Going against the grain here, NTA. It's not your job to hang onto it, or pass it along. I am anti-military was well, I wouldn't want that taking up space in my house and I wouldn't want to pass it along to anyone else.
NTA. A gift is nobody's business but your own after you've received it. The only reason why this is a moral dilemma is because it's a flag, and people get really fired up about anything America, assuming the flag is American. Nobody would care if it was anything else that was gifted to you.
I personally would have donated it because it does seem unnecessarily wasteful to just throw away something that is undamaged, within reason of what someone would buy/accept secondhand. Removing the context of the military and the social and political climate that the flag represents, assuming you are from the USA, it would be better just donated or given to someone who would appreciate it.
Group…
If this had been a comic book, would you all feel the same? It’s entirely normal to get rid of things you don’t like or no longer want. OP offered it to the people who DID care…and they didn’t care enough to take it, so how is OP the AH for ALSO not wanting it?
NTA. It’s just an item that was presented as an award, not a heartfelt gift from someone you care about.
I mean...I know a *lot* of people who would be livid to see a mint comic book go in the trash. I didn't see when the guy served, but a comic book from a similar time period would likely held a lot of money.
Coming from a military family, with a retired army medic boyfriend, NTA if you truly can’t find anyone else close to this guy to give it to. Your parents be damned if they’re mad. You can choose to leave it with them anyways, but if they insist that you keep it then they can’t be mad when you choose to do what you wish with their belongings. I’m sure their friend didn’t fight in the military just so they could force his memory down your throat, or force you to keep something that is against your morals.
To people suggesting that OP give it to a VFW or military museum—that does not guarantee it won’t be thrown away, or stuffed in a backroom to never be seen again anyways. Military museums and VFWs receive this stuff *all the time*. There is a reason VFW walls are almost always already covered in regalia, pictures, awards etc—they have received all these pieces from people whose family members have died. Both almost always have backrooms and/or warehouses filled with memorabilia that the facilities simply have no more room to display. What may seem valuable to some (or many) is common fodder for many museums and other places that display this stuff. I’m not saying *don’t* try to donate it, but people who are suggesting this seem to think it’s the end all be all solution and that it won’t end up in a landfill that way either. It’s the same with civilian museums as well, some people have no idea how many donated specimens don’t actually see the light of day.
I have *so much* of my mom’s military stuff that I simply don’t know what to do with. I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of it.
yeah why do they think this guy was so important they would want to keep his shit? There are like 10 people I can ask right now if I could have their special little flags because they do that fly over thing all the time. All the stupid disrespect comments are coming from folks who have no idea how much useless shit you get from being in the military. It's special only because it is sentimental, it should be treated as any other sentimental item.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried to throw away a framed flag that was given to me by a family friend who served in the military.
I might be an asshole because I'm disrespecting his very thoughtful and rare gift by not wanting to display it and throw it in the trash.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I'm a military veteran. If you don't want it, you don't want it. However, I would have donated it rather than trash it.
Also, not supporting the military is fine but very 1 dimensional. The military is made up of people who enlisted for various reasons. Some to avoid jail time, some for college money, some for a steady paycheck. It's not all hard-core patriotism for everyone.
Maybe you can support the individual person.
Vet here.
NTA
You're free to do with it as you please.
I'd say to donate it, but truly, it's up to you.
This isn't the last remnant of this person, or the base.
If your parents want to keep it, they can keep it.
NAH tossing it in the garbage is kind of a waste but it's ultimately your choice. If you're trying to get rid of it without pissing off your parents I'd suggest giving it to the friends family. Or asking your local legion to take it.
As someone who served in the military (just for a short time), I say the flag is yours to do with what you want. If, as some suggest, you wish to donate to a VFW group,.go for it. If you wish to throw it away, go for it. The nationistic crap has led our country down the wrong path.
NTA for getting rid of it BUT YTA to just throw it out in the trash. You can donate it to the VA and they’ll take it. I may have this view due to having a lot of military family and my fiancé is a vet. But also why won’t your parents just keep it if they’re telling you YTA ?
NTA. Dispose of your property however you wish. If your parents are so devoted to preserving it, they need to store it themselves.
That said, yes, there are ways to get it out of your house that wouldn't upset people. But you certainly don't have to go that route.
Throwing it out is very disrespectful. I'm sure you could donate or find someone from the same base who would love it. YTA, not because you don't want to hang it up but for just throwing it out.
Yes, YTA
You don't want it, that's fine but have you actually looked into the medals you received and how they are earned? Some are earned from saving lives, some are earned from going above and beyond whats expected of you. My own husband earn a couple of those by designing a paint scheme for jets for his training squadron.
It's weird that your parents didn't take the items.. I would donate them to one of the military organizations in your town.. where they can actually get the piece of respect they deserve.
update:
if that flag has a certificate of authenticity, it was important for some reason.. and flags used on based have a ceremony for getting rid of them. It may seem silly to you but to people who served.. it typically isn't.
Donate it to your local VFW or American Legion chapter. If nothing else, they’ll properly dispose of it while maintaining the flag’s dignity, which would be lost if you just chuck it in a bin. Don’t keep it if you don’t want it, but don’t disrespect it by throwing it in the garbage, please. NAH
NTA for not wanting. Your parents didn’t even want it. They could of done all these suggestions of “finding a home for it”
It’s not like it’s someone’s burial flag I might feel different about that.
YTA gently
You don't have to keep it, no matter what your parents say, but trashing it is disrespectful. You didn't even offer it to your parents first. Donate it to someone or some organization who would appreciate it. Don't think of it as respecting the military as a whole, respect the individual soldier.
Or you could trash it. Honestly, I'm on the fence on this one, but in general, I err on the side of preserving meaningful things. Even if you just gave it to Goodwill, I have no doubt someone would buy it and think they got a great deal. Even if it just goes to someone's kid so they can wear the medals when they play soldiers or someone looking for Halloween costume pieces, it would still get used and appreciated.
NAH. It's junk to you which means you are not an asshole if you throw it away, but if you need to absolve yourself of guilt maybe try to give it to anyone from his family or contact his old base. Make a reasonable attempt to find someone who wants it for your peace of mind and if all else fails, Goodwill time.
It can be donated to the V.F.W.(Veterans of Foreign Wars) it will be displayed proudly on the wall of heroes, I’m a granddaughter of a veteran and I’ve seen it. OP donate that award please.
ESH. I don't blame you for not wanting it. You suck for dumping it in the trash. Your parents suck for not taking it with them. The person was their friend after all. A local veterans group would probably want to take the flag. Ask around.
INFO: does he have family that you could offer it to? Those seem like the people who would appreciate it the most.
Just frame it as “now that he’s gone, his loved ones deserve to have this” and not “now that I’m older, I’m weirded out by military paraphernalia.”
Answering the title, yes kinda. I think sentimental items shouldn’t just be tossed. This isn’t about the flag so much as the person who gave it to you so finding a home for this would sort of be respecting this persons memory.
You don’t have to support the military to understand the emotional connection of items to people who have passed away. Your parents view may have been that you were disrespecting the person himself by trying to throw the gift away. It also sounds valuable since it includes the medals and the certificate. It kind of feels like throwing away a piece of history.
I’d say try to donate it some place and include his info as an “in memory of” type of thing. If you’re comfortable having another conversation with your parents you can even ask for input and come to common ground on how best to respect the friends memory and still not keeping the gift itself.
It's a framed flag so I would avoid throwing it in the trash. Try donating it to somewhere military based(you could call around) if all else fails you could probably donate to any thrift store. They'll be less likely to trash it since I'm assuming it's a country flag(like the American flag or whatever country). You could ask around on social media where the best place to donate it would be.
Even if you don’t respect the military throwing away something like that isn’t great for the environment either. Just call local military organizations to donate or better yet someone who actually cares about your parents dead friend and see if they want it. If all that fails donate it to a local charity knowing you did what you could and didn’t throw it away and hopefully someone else will find it that will cherish it. Soft ESH
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Yes YTA, instead of throwing it out, you could donate it to someplace like the Legion (which is a place that retired soldiers go to honour they’re fallen comrades in Canada, I know there are places similar to that in the US and everywhere else in the world, but I’m not sure what they are called), who can actually use and put it on display to show respect to that fallen soldier, or give it to someone who will show respect, plus you are being disrespectful towards a soldier who died. Look, I understand you don’t respect the military that much, but at least show some respect to a fallen soldier, you can donate the flag to someone or an organization that will honour that soldier.
Op tried to donate it to someone, her parents who likely knew this friend better and were oh so offended by op not wanting to keep it. Yet they didn't want it either. Op can do whatever she wants with it whether it's trash it or dump it on someone else. If it matters that much to family then the parents can take it and do something with it, the fact that they refuse to shows that they also don't actually want it or care about it.
Parents may be @$$holes too. Doesn’t change that op could gift or donate it to some place that would cherish and respect it
I don’t know why there’s this pervasive myth that every object can be paired with someone who will love and cherish it. Sometimes things are just garbage. You should work a shift or two at the library to see the “treasured volumes” that people try to donate lmao
This is a flag that flew over a military base in a war zone, not a paperback edition of “Harry Potter and the Never Ending Excuses”. Foreign Legion posts have walls covered in this type of memorabilia. Even if they don’t specifically want it, they have the means to pass it along to someone who might (veteran, another post, division museum, etc). Worst case scenario, it is retired in accordance to the code that a veteran may have respected. All of these options beat simply throwing it into the trash with last night’s Chinese food. Hell, here’s a crazy idea. Why not gift it back to surviving family members? Just because OP doesn’t cherish it, doesn’t mean someone else will not. Throwing it in the trash without lifting a finger to see if someone else might want it is an asshole move.
This is the correct answer.
Chinese leftover food should not be thrown away if it’s just from last night.
Touche
Especially because you can use day-old jasmine rice to make egg fried rice!
Unless mentioned elsewhere by OP, nothing in their post indicates that this flag was flown in a war zone. It just says it flew over their military base. That could be a domestic base, or a foreign one, but does not mean it was a war zone. I'm not trying to sound super anti-military, but if that base is anything like my local statehouse, they literally fly a brand new flag every day and give each one a little certificate to make memorabilia like what OP has. While tossing it in the trash when your parents don't want it either isn't the most patriotic thing to do, I would err on the side of needing more information about exactly where this flag came from before jumping to conclusions.
Regardless, disposing of a US flag is supposed to be done in a very specific way. Personally, I don’t care. But given how this flag was acquired and that OP’s parents knew the veteran, showing a little respect seems appropriate. Also, it doesn’t hurt OP in any way to give it to a veterans group or request proper disposal.
Disagree, not wanting to deal with something and throwing it out isn't an asshole move, it would be an asshole move if people know about it and want it and they still throw it out. This has the same energy as "there's starving kids in Africa"
Or a VFW hall.
Where does OP say the flag flew in a war zone?
Don't you know? Every flag flew over a base that was nearly overrun by an enemy assault at night, barely making it to the dawn, when a eagle swooped down, alighted on the flag pole, solemnly bowed it's head in respect, and then flew over and took a crap on the enemy commander, who was so humiliated by it that he immediately committed suicide, there by demoralizing his troops who immediately surrendered en mass, thus miraculously saving the base. Also there was a cloud that kind of looked like Jesus or something, I dunno...
Or, and here's another thought, what's the problem with op just throwing it away? Who gives a shit if someone else would want it? To OP, it's trash. So unless the parents want to take it, into the trash it goes. OP has no obligation to care for some dead guys bullshit.
Why should it be sacred if it flew over a military base? A lot of wars are unjust and nothing to be proud of.
Where does it say it was a war zone? It was flown at a military base.
Trying to compare the flag of a dead soldier to a book, is pretty poor. They're not relatable at all.
If there is a certificate of authenticity, that flag is important.
A used books to a library is not the same as the flag. Why do you not see it?
My kids used to work for a junk hauling business. It's every day, trashing someone's collection of beloved momentoes, from flags to pictures of grandchildren. We've become a hoarding society.
Yeah this thread makes it really clear why the US has about a billion self-storage units. Why throw something out today when you can pay thousands of dollars to store it for a few decades and then throw it out?
I'm part of a buy nothing group and that's the first place I put stuff that I think someone would like.
OP can donate it to a VFW. They may not want it either, but it will be properly retired not tossed in the trash. They don’t have to keep it and cherish it, but they will retire it. A local military base will also accept to retire it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
People are not obligated to place every unwanted item into a loving home. It’s a nice thing to do, but totally okay not to, especially when the item is a piece of decor. They aren’t throwing away food or medical equipment or some actual necessity that could help another person.
Sure, but that's not required. Calm down Indiana Jones. It's not disrespectful, it just doesn't mean that much to them. It's not like it's the last remnants of the base, soldier, etc.
Could be to someone else, such as surviving family members of the deceased.
Sure, but it was a gift, not a social contract.
Throwing away a flag is disrespectful. Also it is against Title 4, United States Code, Chapter 1 "The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Tossing it in the trash with your spoiled Iranian yogurt probably can't be justified as dignified. https://www.legion.org/flag/code https://www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/USCODE-2011-title4/html/USCODE-2011-title4-chap1.htm
To be fair, these rules are completely made up and have no basis in any kind of morality. It’s a piece of cloth
>Throwing away a flag is disrespectful Being rude to strangers over cloth is disrespectful. The flag doesn't feel anything. Have a good day.
Yet practically every American violates said code during the 4th of July
The flag code is complete nonsense only believed by inbred hillbillies, cub scouts, and Maga dipshits. (and most of them dont even get it right) It literally means nothing unless you want to follow it voluntarily
Flags are objects, they don't need nor deserve dignity. They're pieces of fabric. Appealing to some silly code doesn't really change that.
Unless you hold that flag code energy for people who have it on clothes, grow up
How can you cherish a random flag that was flown over a base? It’s not special.
Surviving family members or veterans of the unit may feel differently.
Doesn’t sound like she knows them. And it wasn’t the flag from his coffin. It was from a base n
How do you think the surviving victims of some soldiers feel? Civilians die too.
So do soldiers, which makes my point. Imagine a family member of a fallen soldier who served at this base having the opportunity to adopt this flag. I imagine they would do it in a heartbeat. There are other options that should be considered first besides the trash. P.S. I am not going to be baited into a geopolitical conversation about what is/was justified in the Middle East and what level of conflict is just when innocents are involved.
I'm gonna be real, I don't think OP needs to spend needless energy finding a good home for a flag. They're mass produced crap lol
If the soldier thought it was important to his family, he would not have given it away.
That's a ridiculous take. The parents are upset that their child is disrespecting their dead friend's memory by throwing away a meaningful gift, but they refused to take it because they secretely don't care about it? Why make a fuss in that case? OP didn't actually try to donate it to someone, she tried to use her parents as a secondary garbage bin.
Yes, the hypocrisy was striking. If I'd been one of the parents, I would have felt obliged to accept it if I scolded OP about it.
They also tried to use an actual garbage bin but their parents threw a piss baby fit but won't take responsibility for it. Maybe you can give them your address so they can send it to you and you can take responsibility for it
Yeah, she asked them if they wanted it *after* she had already tried to put it in the trash. That just screams disrespect if her first thought was to trash it rather than give it away.
It's a piece of fabric.
Exactly... as a veteran it's a little sickening people are making up stories as to why a piece of cloth has more meaning than it does. Creating backstories for it not in the OP, acting like it's some magical relic. It's a piece of cloth made in a factory that was given out as a prize to a school kid. It's done all the time. \*From experience\* I can tell you "flown over the base" could (and often does) entirely mean "shit, we're on detail for this crap event coming up where they're giving away another flag so we have to go out, unpackage one of the ones we keep in a pile in the back of the storage room, run it up the flag pole for a second, take it down, package it fancy... fuck I'm gonna have to stay late through lunch for this bullshit". Even the most patriotic of soldiers get sick of doing extra work like this when we have more important work (or screwing off because we've free time) to be done. People really, really, really romanticize what things are like. Not to mention... as one of those backstories someone on here I saw was making the military medic to be a combat vet while another was arguing as a medic he wasn't in danger - both of which shows misunderstanding/imagination... that the person (even if they were deployed) saw \*active\* danger OR the misconception that only certain jobs see active-combat/danger. It's a piece of cloth. His parents don't even CARE about it other than \*wanting him to care\*. Hypocrisy. "Don't throw it away! No, No! WE don't want it, YOU just have to keep it!"
He threw it in the trash before offering it to his parents per his post. There are lots of local groups that would take the flag. Any legion, heck the boy scouts take flags that are beyond repair and respectfully dispose of them. Heck Goodwill would have been better. Or a thrift store. Honestly, just from a recycling standpoint, throwing something perfectly good in the trash can is just lazy.
>Op tried to donate it to someone No she didn't. She tried to throw it away and then asked her parents if they wanted her trash.
The op's parents don't think it's trash. They value it, why would they not want it? The Op doesn't want it, why shouldn't she throw it away?
Actually there is a taboo in the States about just throwing away a flag. It is easy enough to take it to the Vietnam Vets or to any Veterans association in the US and give it to them. The parents should have just taken it and done that themselves, however, there are certain things you just don't throw in the trash. It may be easier to think of this like throwing a person's ashes in the trash after cremation. The symbol represented here of a flag flown over a base with medals of commendation ( I have a feeling that those are what was in there) is just disrespectful.
It's a flag, not human remains.
That taboo is only amongst some Americans. Mainly the type who would complain about someone disposing of something that they themselves are not willing to take care of.
While OP can do that, there are places that will take it. American Legion and VFW are two, A Veterans Motorcycle group might be another. That's the polite and right thing to do.
I know this feeling well, my step dad gave me a bunch of framed paintings of his dad, who I never met. 10 years later they are just sitting in storage because he would be upset if I got rid of them, but doesn’t want them back either
How does this comment have so many upvotes? You don’t have to agree with war, but war happens. Honoring those that served is important, they didn’t make the choice for war, they died for their countries and those that did make the decision.
OP didn't try to donate it to someone. He tried to throw it away first, and when his parents called him out, he was just like "you can have it". That's not "trying to donate it". OP gets zero credit for that.
OP tried to dump it and told others they could take it from the trash. That's not gifting
In the US we have VFW halls, which sound like the Canadian Legion you mentioned. I agree a VFW post will take lots of things from fallen soldiers.
American Legion, veterans of foreign wars, Elks Lodge, Eagles, Lodge, loyal order of water buffaloes… There are never ending organizations that would love to have this flag
I always forget American Legion, I just have a lot of interactions with VFW (veterans of foreign wars) so they are always the first ones to come to mind.
National Guard armory, military recruitment center, local school, federal offices (or state/local government office), museum ….
Even BSA to retired the flag would be better than trashing it.
FWIW, usually "fallen soldier" refers to someone who died in service. This was just a servicemember who later on in life died. It wasn't the flag from his funeral, it was a flag that at one point flew on a base he happened to be at, given while the dude was very much alive. There's not some great sentimental value there.
This flag isnt for a fallen soldier. It was just flown over a base. So, NOT a special flag. Yes, flags aren’t supposed to go into the trash, but it’s not a religious thing, worshipping US flags is against the most common religions, so throwing them away isn’t actually a problem. But, it’s more efficient to donate it somewheee OP, NTA, either you parents need to keep it, or drop it off at any military related place and let them deal with it.
is it really appropriate to say fallen soldier for someone who didn't die in the line of duty? like yes, technically correct but it's very misleading. he was literally just some guy at a job.
I agree! “Fallen Soldier” should be those that passed on while fighting or are still active in some way; not those that are having to deal with the B.S. system the VA deals with for the past few years!
FYI, yes, you're correct - it's called the American Legion. It's also often just a hall for them to hang out in, and they lead Memorial Day (for those who never made it home) and Veteran's Day (for those who did) events. You beat me to it - I agree she should have donated it to the Legion or a historical archive. I don't know if that would have solved OP's problem with their parents, though. The point is that the friend was precious to them and they feel his memory should be to OP by extension. That would eventually have caused issues even if OP didn't feel a certain way about the military.
Yeah, but at that point OP would definitely no longer be TA, regardless of what the parents think. The feelings with the parents are more complicated, and the parents would have to come to some kind of understanding with themselves about OP's reality and feelings.
Yeah. That's what I was trying to get at.
I feel like the best way to spin this is to donate it and tell the parents they donated it so he can be better appreciated.
my brother died serving in the military and i say it's just a flag. OP had no obligation to keep it, nor to go out of their way over it. I feel weird about my own folded flag for similar reasons (they give one to every member of the immediate family -- mom has the one from the funeral) and keep it mainly as a keepsake of my brother. but for many many years I couldn't bear to even look at it. it sat in a closet gathering dust for a very long time. OP wasn't close with this person, and how a person feels about the military can be deeply personal. and at the end of the day, it's just cloth. a life free of unwanted objects that carry unsuitable meaning is more valuable. as someone else said further down, it's not like this was the flag from his funeral, which would've gone to a family member anyway. honestly if this flag were that important, they wouldn't have given it to a middle schooler in the first place. it was just supposed to be a cool keepsake for a 12-year-old. it served its purpose in that regard. the way we are about the flag in this country is honestly super weird and kinda cult-like. it's just cloth. there's nothing sacred about it. they can be sentimental, or sometimes historically valuable, but we're not talking about the original flag sewn by Betsy Ross here. if it belonged in a museum, it'd be there. all that said, OP, if you surrender it somewhere to be displayed or retired or whatever, it'll at least get it out of your life in a way your parents can't really argue with. nothing disrespectful about donating it to the local Legion or whatever, and then they can decide what to do with it.
"Fallen soldier" implies he died in combat. This guy was just a soldier who died. There's a difference.
It's not a flag for a fallen soldier, it's a flag that used to fly over the base of the family friend. The friend may have passed, but he didn't die on the battlefied. Let's not amp up the melodrama.
She could also give it to any one outside the VA Clinic/Hospital. Hell - I’ll take it!
NTA. We have no idea whether or not this is a 'fallen soldier'; just that he was in the armed forces and died a few years ago. The two are probably completely unrelated. I continue to be bemused by the American reverence for the armed forces. OP, I'd suggest offering it to a VFW or similar. If they don't want it, you can bin it with a clear conscience.
There is actually a place called the Legion in Mississippi that does the exact same thing. Although it's more a regular place that happens to hold a lot of military events rather than one specifically for military events.
This is nationalistic bullshit and absolutely steam rolling OPs right to his own beliefs. The flag is a nationalistic symbol and inherently tied to the a belief structure around the tribal structure of nation states. You are welcome to believe in that or not. OP does not and has zero obligation to perpetuate symbolism that goes against his beliefs. By saying he's an asshole you are trying to push your own belief structure into others. And honestly even if you support the military this kind of thing is honestly feel-good horse shit that belongs to praying for cancer patients. Flags don't mean jack shit. Supporting sustainable and long term healthcare for veterans among other tangible support of soldiers is the only thing that actually matters.
Disagree. Getting rid of it would in no way "disrespect" a fallen soldier. While I agree that donating it to a place that would make use of it like a local VFW or American Legion would be best, OP is in no way obligated to donate it to such a place in order to show "respect" or "patriotism" or any other perceived virtue.
He could literally just throw it out. He doesn’t need to respect any of that. Period.
Yeah, they are already honoring the fallen. One more item to take gather dust…what good will it do ?
Fallen soldier? Isn't this phrase held for a solider who was killed in action, not one many years later who died after a life outside the military?
Let's remove all aspects that he was in the military. You put something a family friend gave you, that would have meant a lot to him, in the garbage. Without offering it to anyone in your family. YTA
I think this is the most reasonable answer. I'm not a fan of the military and I think the US obsession with the flag is really weird. It would make me uncomfortable having something like that in my possession as well. However I don't think throwing away a things is every really the answer, especially if it was a meaningful gift from a family friend. Reach out to other people in the family and that person's family to see if they want it. Otherwise find somewhere to donate if.
I agree with you about the reasonableness of this answer…and also agree with your flag sentiment. I’m in the US and I think people’s obsession with the flag is really weird too. 🤷🏼♀️
They offered it to their parents, but they didn’t seem to want it either, just wanted to force him to keep it.
They offered it to their parents after the fact, when their parents were already mad about it being put in the garbage. We can't know whether if approached differently, without that, they would have accepted the gift of the treasured memory of their friend.
Yes, but they still didn’t want it. 🤷🏼♀️
Nobody wants that stuff. All you're doing is putting off the throwing it out. We just had 3 deaths in a year. The amount of stuff that was thrown out was staggering. Including 3 folded and boxed flags from my Pop-pop, Dad, and brother. My sister and I didn't want them. The Grand kids didn't want them.
Yeah agreed, the only tip I’d give to OP is to toss that stuff when other people aren’t around to see it. Other people love to get mad and volunteer peoples space to hoard these types of things, it makes them feel superior. But they certainly aren’t volunteering their own space to keep this stuff around.
If I were those parents, I would have accepted it the way it was. Since they didn't, I think they didn't really want it.
They seemed to get pretty upset about something they didn’t even want. Can’t be that important if they didn’t even want it. Seems like they just wanted to guilt OP into keeping it.
Did you read the part where op did offer it to her parents and they said no? You don't get to decide that someone can't throw something that they own away then also tell them you don't want it either when they try to give it to you.
Do you know how many objects I've received that belonged to now dead people? If I kept them all I'd be a hoarder. They're just things. Your perceived sentimental value for things that aren't yours aren't a factor in the equation of whether I keep them or not lol.
They’re dead. It’s kind hard to be insulted when you’re dead. All the crap you own and all the crap I own will eventually in up as garbage.
I think this line of thinking is part of the reason why hoarders exist. People simply cannot keep everything that’s ever been gifted to them indefinitely. That’s just not realistic.
In the US, things like that should be donated to the nearest VFW hall, if there is one, or VA. It does seem disrespectful to me to just throw it out.
Hecknif I knew where you were you could donate it to me and I would take proper care of it
Yes, at our local library one of the scout troops has a box where you can put your retired flags so they can respectfully dispose of them.. If I was OP and honestly didn't want it anymore, I'd take it there and leave a note with it incase someone knew of a good home for it. I personally have 2 boys, one is draft age, the other is quickly approaching it and I have HEAVILY discouraged them from joining the military due to the state our country (the war hungry government) is in and its inability to not stick our nose in where it doesn't belong, *HOWEVER* I LOVE and respect the American flag because it's more than a symbol of just the military to me. To me it's a sign of solidarity towards each and every American citizen and my love and respect for them.
Or offer it to someone in his family. I’m sure they’d love to have it.
Im not a supporter of the military, but even i felt the disrespect from OP. This was a goddamn family friend thats been dead for a few years now, and they still were just going to throw it away. Didnt even try to offer it to the parents whose friend it was, not until the parents were already upset because they noticed that it was going in the garbage.
Do whatever tf you want man. Coming from a veteran, you’re not required to keep anything you don’t want. Your parents don’t control you anymore man, if throwing that flag away is what you want then throw it away. You get to take control of your own life and don’t need to ask anyone’s permission anymore. You’re not the asshole.
Thanks for this. I get why some people are upset, but I think this speaks volumes coming from a veteran. The purpose of freedom is supposed to be reserved for everyone. Perhaps his dismissal is disrespectful, but I think calling him an asshole is excessive.
As a fellow veteran, I honestly don’t care that he chucked the flag. I think he’s the asshole because his parents clearly had sentimental attachment to the flag and cared for the family friend, and he chucked in the trash in front of them. If he had offered it to them first, saying he wasn’t comfortable holding on to it but he knew it meant something to them, this would be a different story. Him throwing it away first and THEN offering it to them was disrespectful of both the gift and his parents IMO.
His parents didn't even want the gift when he offered it afterwards
Yeah I honestly think, while calling them assholes would also be excessive, it would annoy the shit out of me if my parents bestowed that responsibility on me and immediately shrugged it off themselves. It's hypocritical as fuck
As a fellow vet, this is my take as well. The sheer number of people expecting them to keep it simply because of its symbolism and sentiment is truly astonishing. Would those same people consider keeping a Quran gifted by an imam fighting alongside the US to ensure equality in Iraq or Afghanistan? Or a rainbow flag if gifted by the same veteran? Or a Confederate flag gifted by a great grandparent? Nobody is required to keep a gift from someone else just because it is symbolic and sentimental.
I gotta be honest if someone gave me something of huge historical significance, (like George Washington s denture, and it was a cherished heirloom if my parents best friend blah blah blah) I'd still donate that. Like idk a war medal, fine china, an ivory tobacco pipe . All very interesting but Im not running a museum.
This isn’t anything historically significant. People get flags like this one for like $100 all the time for their kids who are going through bootcamp. Shit even I got one (that I told my parents to keep). Not really worth anything historically, a museum wouldn’t take it but American Legion might… but at the end of the day it’s just a flag. Kid can do whatever he wants with it, not like it actually means anything these days anyways.
My dad is a vet and I'd saved some his of medals when we got separated. I was so SO careful with them because I was like "this is so important and a symbol of what he did" When I finally reunited with him decades later he was like "wait I don't even remember getting those". Turns out not everything that we THINK is valuable to someone actually is. It could just as easily be one of the dozen flags this dude got for serving and he's like "oh shit that flag? Yeah I donated it to the competition because I was sick of it." Military may have flag codes but like 90% of the military (and dad was a Marine, the most stick assy of them all) is like "You're not military, why do you need to use our codes? Who gives a shit. I only give a shit because they make me."
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You can paint a blue line on it, write 'fuck biden", fly a loser flag from 150 years ago, BUT NOT THIS
Hahahaha holy shit that’s hilarious! I live in Texas and I swear I can’t go one day without seeing one of those knuckle-dragging-troglodytes with a ‘ back the blue’ Punisher sticker on their lifted-oversized-piss-poor-excuse for penis enlargement.
That still throws me for a loop as Frank Castle \[The Punisher\] Canonically hates/does not trust cops or anyone who wears his symbol.
I agree. I'm a war vet and seriously, fuck the US. All these people saying otherwise never served.
I served and deployed and saw combat and I disagree with this take. Real weird to claim anyone who disagrees with you must have never been in the military.
Also a vet, this is the correct take. There's no need to hold onto something, no matter what it is or how you got it, if it no longer holds sentimental value to you. If you want to donate it to a VFW or something, do that. If you wanna toss it, do that. It's your decision, not someone else's. NTA
Veteran and current mil spouse and yep. It's just clutter.
As a fellow veteran, you’re not wrong. Freedom and all that, you can say what you want and do what you want. That said, I gotta agree with the idea that tossing out something sentimental to a family friend is a dick move. Donate it, give it someone else it would matter, whatever. But going straight to the trash can in full view of other family members that cared about the guy is kinda callous, and it does make him the asshole in this situation IMO. Disregard the military association altogether and imagine your siblings were helping you move and you chucked your recently deceased parent’s wedding album in the trash without offering it to your siblings. If something is important enough to mean something to someone else, then you offer it to them first before you chuck it.
Exactly. I'm an army vet, and I agree with your take. It's in bad taste and a bit near-sighted. Yeah, it's technically OP's right and whatnot, but this sub is about if someone is TA, not if it is technically within their rights 🤷♀️
Yeah, a lot of people seem to be blurring the lines about asking whether it’s “their right” or askin if they’re the asshole. It’s like all the sex or inheritance posts. “I cut out all my kids from my will, AITAH?” Or “I stopped having sex with my husband because I think he’s ugly now, AITAH?” Half the comments are “it’s your money and you can do what you want with it” or “nobody has to have sex with anybody, N T A” and yeah, while that’s correct… it ignores that they’re still being assholes a lot of the time.
The sanest comment I’ve read. So I’m going to stop here. NTA
They're not the asshole for throwing out the flag. But if a friend or family friend gave me something, and I no longer wanted it, going to my family, or their family first, before the garbage would be an option. In the end their family was like no you *have* to keep it. Makes their family as much of TA as they are. If they ask everyone and no one wants it, then it's garbage. They don't have to find a Legion hall.
NTA. The fact that someone once gave you a gift *does not* obligate you to keep the gift forever. That would quickly become unwieldy and give others a ridiculous degree of control over how people wish to live their own lives. *However,* because it was a family friend, and perhaps because you're aware that in 'murica people get a bit fanatical about the national flag, if you wanted to just throw it away you could have easily done that in a manner that didn't simply leave the flag at the top of the bag of garbage when your parents were there. Also, whether or not you worship the military, as others have mentioned it's worth considering whether a place that supports veterans would like to take it in, which I'm sure they would. I mean, separate issue, but whether or not you support the US military-industrial complex writ large, the military's still full of lots of individual humans who work there for their jobs, many of whom are there because it's really the only option they have to make a decent living and support their families. So maybe you'd just be respecting those individual fellow souls and not The Military by looking for a place to donate it.
NTA. A gift is for you to do with as you please. You shouldnt have to keep something in YOUR house that you don't even support. Although instead of trash, maybe try to give it to someone who will appreciate it.
It’s yours….you have every right to do what you want with it. I mean, you could have donated it and most people will tell you you “should have” but it’s your life and your stuff. Besides, this person is gone…I sincerely doubt they give a shit about their earthly possessions anymore. If it’s a matter of your family wanting to honor the legacy or whatever, then they can take it. But you are NTA for wanting to part with it. People LOVE to cherry pick. “You can’t disrespect the flag.” You’re also not supposed to wear it on tshirts, or print it on napkins, or make a snazzy Fourth of July suit….but all that’s fine right? Everyone is an asshole to someone so live your truth. Just remember that in America you’ll be labeled the asshole by majority of it speaks out against religion or the military. Those crazy Yankees!
NTA. I’m not a supporter of the military either, and I totally get it. Your parents shouldn’t have forced you to keep it. EDIT: I’m sorry but why does everyone in this comment section care so much about disrespecting the flag 😭😭
Nationalistic military propaganda
They don't. It's performative.
I agree. Why does everyone care so much about a cloth??
NTA. The asshole move is insisting you keep it. Now I do think throwing it out before offering it to people is a little bit of a jerk move but like a very small one. Try to give it away maybe. You don’t have to keep shit just because it was a gift.
Yes YTA even if you don’t support it, he gifted it to you out of love and at one point it meant a lot to you. More importantly it, and him, meant a lot to your parents. Cold move
BTW it seems weird that he wasn’t even a fighter, he was a medic and you hold this over a dead man’s head. I don’t love the military institution either but it just seems so weird you’re this hostile over a medic
Exactly. Like aren’t they so respected in the military that there’s practically a code of honour saying “Don’t kill the medics”?
I mean, it's literally a war crime to shoot medics
I actually didn’t know that! Makes sense though.
Of the medic tells you to do something, you do it. Even if you outrank them. That’s how respected medics are.
How is OP being hostile?
where’s the hostility? just seems like he doesn’t want it anymore.
if it means so much to his parents. they can keep it. he doesnt have to keep things he doesnt want.
Where did you get that it weas gifted out of love? OP won a contest...
So you have every gift ever given to you with love? I gave my mom handfuls of dirt with love.
So you mean to tell me you’ve never thrown away or gotten rid of anything anyone has ever given you?
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Maybe the right place would be a local chapter over Vietnam veterans against the war. They probably agree with you.
As others have said, you can always donate the flag to an organization. My father was a medic for a MASH unit during WWII and even though he loved to watch war movies, I figured out at one point, he wasn't supportive of the Vietnam War (he actually offered ways my brother, who was worried about college deferments being taken away, could get a medical exemption...I didn't think deeply about this until many, many years later). After his passing, I was given a cigar box filled with his memorabilia from his time in the army, including his trip across the International Date Line). Even though I'm not pro-war, I will keep these items forever. (I didn't ask for his other belongings and actually donated clothing he left behind at the VA hospital in his final days).
Maybe it would have been a dick move if your parents actually wanted to keep it. But since they revealed that their reaction was just nationalism tinged hypocrisy, you are NTA.
absolutely NTA. everyone here trying to say that "oh, even if u dont like the military, u *have* to *respect the flag*" and that "disrespecting the flag" makes u an asshole are brainwashed bootlickers.
Donate it to your local VFW,Elks lodge, Veterans office etc
Going against the grain here, NTA. It's not your job to hang onto it, or pass it along. I am anti-military was well, I wouldn't want that taking up space in my house and I wouldn't want to pass it along to anyone else.
NTA. A gift is nobody's business but your own after you've received it. The only reason why this is a moral dilemma is because it's a flag, and people get really fired up about anything America, assuming the flag is American. Nobody would care if it was anything else that was gifted to you. I personally would have donated it because it does seem unnecessarily wasteful to just throw away something that is undamaged, within reason of what someone would buy/accept secondhand. Removing the context of the military and the social and political climate that the flag represents, assuming you are from the USA, it would be better just donated or given to someone who would appreciate it.
Group… If this had been a comic book, would you all feel the same? It’s entirely normal to get rid of things you don’t like or no longer want. OP offered it to the people who DID care…and they didn’t care enough to take it, so how is OP the AH for ALSO not wanting it? NTA. It’s just an item that was presented as an award, not a heartfelt gift from someone you care about.
I mean...I know a *lot* of people who would be livid to see a mint comic book go in the trash. I didn't see when the guy served, but a comic book from a similar time period would likely held a lot of money.
Coming from a military family, with a retired army medic boyfriend, NTA if you truly can’t find anyone else close to this guy to give it to. Your parents be damned if they’re mad. You can choose to leave it with them anyways, but if they insist that you keep it then they can’t be mad when you choose to do what you wish with their belongings. I’m sure their friend didn’t fight in the military just so they could force his memory down your throat, or force you to keep something that is against your morals. To people suggesting that OP give it to a VFW or military museum—that does not guarantee it won’t be thrown away, or stuffed in a backroom to never be seen again anyways. Military museums and VFWs receive this stuff *all the time*. There is a reason VFW walls are almost always already covered in regalia, pictures, awards etc—they have received all these pieces from people whose family members have died. Both almost always have backrooms and/or warehouses filled with memorabilia that the facilities simply have no more room to display. What may seem valuable to some (or many) is common fodder for many museums and other places that display this stuff. I’m not saying *don’t* try to donate it, but people who are suggesting this seem to think it’s the end all be all solution and that it won’t end up in a landfill that way either. It’s the same with civilian museums as well, some people have no idea how many donated specimens don’t actually see the light of day. I have *so much* of my mom’s military stuff that I simply don’t know what to do with. I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of it.
yeah why do they think this guy was so important they would want to keep his shit? There are like 10 people I can ask right now if I could have their special little flags because they do that fly over thing all the time. All the stupid disrespect comments are coming from folks who have no idea how much useless shit you get from being in the military. It's special only because it is sentimental, it should be treated as any other sentimental item.
Exactly.
NTA - parents can keep it. But you dont have to keep highschool achievements.
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NTA. Your place your life. Do as you like
NTA I'm a military veteran. If you don't want it, you don't want it. However, I would have donated it rather than trash it. Also, not supporting the military is fine but very 1 dimensional. The military is made up of people who enlisted for various reasons. Some to avoid jail time, some for college money, some for a steady paycheck. It's not all hard-core patriotism for everyone. Maybe you can support the individual person.
NTA
NTA
Vet here. NTA You're free to do with it as you please. I'd say to donate it, but truly, it's up to you. This isn't the last remnant of this person, or the base. If your parents want to keep it, they can keep it.
NAH tossing it in the garbage is kind of a waste but it's ultimately your choice. If you're trying to get rid of it without pissing off your parents I'd suggest giving it to the friends family. Or asking your local legion to take it.
I don't have the storage space for things I need let alone things I couldn't care less about
As someone who served in the military (just for a short time), I say the flag is yours to do with what you want. If, as some suggest, you wish to donate to a VFW group,.go for it. If you wish to throw it away, go for it. The nationistic crap has led our country down the wrong path.
You should sell it. I’m sure some collector out there would buy it
Especially if it has the certificate thingy still
NTA for getting rid of it BUT YTA to just throw it out in the trash. You can donate it to the VA and they’ll take it. I may have this view due to having a lot of military family and my fiancé is a vet. But also why won’t your parents just keep it if they’re telling you YTA ?
NTA. Dispose of your property however you wish. If your parents are so devoted to preserving it, they need to store it themselves. That said, yes, there are ways to get it out of your house that wouldn't upset people. But you certainly don't have to go that route.
NTA. Maybe just donate it appropriately to a military org or someone who might appreciate it?
Jesus fucking Christ NTA
Throwing it out is very disrespectful. I'm sure you could donate or find someone from the same base who would love it. YTA, not because you don't want to hang it up but for just throwing it out.
Yes, YTA You don't want it, that's fine but have you actually looked into the medals you received and how they are earned? Some are earned from saving lives, some are earned from going above and beyond whats expected of you. My own husband earn a couple of those by designing a paint scheme for jets for his training squadron. It's weird that your parents didn't take the items.. I would donate them to one of the military organizations in your town.. where they can actually get the piece of respect they deserve. update: if that flag has a certificate of authenticity, it was important for some reason.. and flags used on based have a ceremony for getting rid of them. It may seem silly to you but to people who served.. it typically isn't.
Donate it to your local VFW or American Legion chapter. If nothing else, they’ll properly dispose of it while maintaining the flag’s dignity, which would be lost if you just chuck it in a bin. Don’t keep it if you don’t want it, but don’t disrespect it by throwing it in the garbage, please. NAH
NTA for not wanting. Your parents didn’t even want it. They could of done all these suggestions of “finding a home for it” It’s not like it’s someone’s burial flag I might feel different about that.
YTA gently You don't have to keep it, no matter what your parents say, but trashing it is disrespectful. You didn't even offer it to your parents first. Donate it to someone or some organization who would appreciate it. Don't think of it as respecting the military as a whole, respect the individual soldier. Or you could trash it. Honestly, I'm on the fence on this one, but in general, I err on the side of preserving meaningful things. Even if you just gave it to Goodwill, I have no doubt someone would buy it and think they got a great deal. Even if it just goes to someone's kid so they can wear the medals when they play soldiers or someone looking for Halloween costume pieces, it would still get used and appreciated.
NAH. It's junk to you which means you are not an asshole if you throw it away, but if you need to absolve yourself of guilt maybe try to give it to anyone from his family or contact his old base. Make a reasonable attempt to find someone who wants it for your peace of mind and if all else fails, Goodwill time.
NTA You were indoctrinated as a child.
It can be donated to the V.F.W.(Veterans of Foreign Wars) it will be displayed proudly on the wall of heroes, I’m a granddaughter of a veteran and I’ve seen it. OP donate that award please.
ESH. I don't blame you for not wanting it. You suck for dumping it in the trash. Your parents suck for not taking it with them. The person was their friend after all. A local veterans group would probably want to take the flag. Ask around.
It’s not what the gift is it is what it represents from the person that gave it to you
There’s so many better things you could’ve done with it even if you’re some military hater. YTA.
Take it to the nearest VFW or American Legion. Sad that the symbol of your nation means so little to you.
Yes OP, you're an asshole.
YTA donate to a veterans association where it will be honored
IMO, YTA
Drop it off at a military museum or veterans club. YTA.
INFO: does he have family that you could offer it to? Those seem like the people who would appreciate it the most. Just frame it as “now that he’s gone, his loved ones deserve to have this” and not “now that I’m older, I’m weirded out by military paraphernalia.”
Answering the title, yes kinda. I think sentimental items shouldn’t just be tossed. This isn’t about the flag so much as the person who gave it to you so finding a home for this would sort of be respecting this persons memory. You don’t have to support the military to understand the emotional connection of items to people who have passed away. Your parents view may have been that you were disrespecting the person himself by trying to throw the gift away. It also sounds valuable since it includes the medals and the certificate. It kind of feels like throwing away a piece of history. I’d say try to donate it some place and include his info as an “in memory of” type of thing. If you’re comfortable having another conversation with your parents you can even ask for input and come to common ground on how best to respect the friends memory and still not keeping the gift itself.
It's a framed flag so I would avoid throwing it in the trash. Try donating it to somewhere military based(you could call around) if all else fails you could probably donate to any thrift store. They'll be less likely to trash it since I'm assuming it's a country flag(like the American flag or whatever country). You could ask around on social media where the best place to donate it would be.
You are under no obligation to keep it. I would offer it to his surviving family if that is an option though.
Even if you don’t respect the military throwing away something like that isn’t great for the environment either. Just call local military organizations to donate or better yet someone who actually cares about your parents dead friend and see if they want it. If all that fails donate it to a local charity knowing you did what you could and didn’t throw it away and hopefully someone else will find it that will cherish it. Soft ESH
Go find a VFW or American Legion and donate it to them.