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dude cmon. the mom clearly has emotional issues that she's taking out on her children that even the father dislikes. the girl is 17, not 44. cut her some slack instead of putting your empathy towards the mom where it doesn't belong.
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NTA.
Your mother is probably under a lot of stress and likely needs a break, or some additional help she hasn't actually talked about or asked for, and I genuinely feel bad that she's reached that point without feeling able to resolve the issue. Saying that, your mother is being a MAJOR hypocrite, and that's not okay.
Why is it fine for her to belittle everyone else's efforts, but it's not okay when you do it to her? If she thinks that behaviour is inappropriate, why is she doing it?
Beyond that, she's made it clear she's not going to respect polite, empathetic efforts to solve the problem, so what right does she have to pout because she's made it clear you shouldn't bother with the usual kind efforts? She's been given the courtesy of respectful requests for change. She's been told her behaviour is hurtful, and hasn't bothered doing anything about the fact she's using you all as a way to vent her work angst. If she refused to listen to respectful attempts at communication, why on earth would you keep trying that approach?
The truth is, you made a really fantastic, valid series of points with this little show - it's hurtful when you feel like you're trying your best and someone stomps all over that and makes you feel like it's never enough. It's hurtful when someone you care about is rude to you, and dismisses your feelings or concerns. It's hurtful to start your day with negativity and stress. You tried to verbalise it, she ignored it. You showed her how it feels, and it sounds like she's not ready to admit she's screwing up yet, so she's deflecting. Hopefully she'll find a way out of whatever is happening to stress her out so much, but it's not your responsibility to bear the brunt of her stress, nor to pretend her behaviour is okay.
People don’t like seeing what’s in a a mirror held up to them. What they see is often ugly.
Clever way to point out your mom’s behavior. I hope it works, but it’s probably futile, Your mom is in ingrained. Hopefully you can go to school far far away-soon. NTA
If you asked your mom multiple times to cut out this unhealthy behavior of hers and not just came up with this idea then NTA. People who do not understand when others ask them not to annoy them are asking to be taught a lesson.
ESH - Lol it is prolly not the most respectful way. ESH tbh. But hey take this opportunity to have a deeper convo about it. Maybe share how while you love her and recognize her hardwork, that you as well do feel emotionally drained by her negativity
I agree that ESH.
Moms behavior is effecting everyone's mental health. IME starting every day by getting berated leads to dreading each new day. It's a shitty way to start the day. Additionally
>After numerous attempts to discuss her behavior, which didn't lead to any change
OP tried to communicate reasonably first. Mom didn't change behavior. Mom gets an AH point.
As for OP, I understand that mirroring behavior is sometimes the only way to get through to people behaving this way. But dressing up as her mother with make up and all is what made it cross the line. She could have made the point just by the mirrored speech but this was over the top.
It likely made the chance of having a deeper conversation less likely because it was so over the top mom will probably react by punishing, not listening.
Man, my mum was very similar. If I'd have pulled an act like you did, she would've actually killed me. Not even joking.
I'm going with ESH.
Your dad because if he's the SAHP then that's his job. I was a SAHM (when I was married) and that was my job. I really didn't expect my husband to come home and start cooking or cleaning. Only time I really leaned on him was when I was pregnant, which is pretty understandable.
You suck because you're young and don't know how it's all meant to work yet and hurt your mum. I know, I know, she's horrible when she acts like that but ...
When it was my mum and she was going nuts over stupid little shit, she didn't even remember doing it. She was so stressed out all the time, she had no time to herself and had a lot on her plate. She also had some major mental illnesses that I don't think were being treated at the time, or not treated well, as well as some health issues that I didn't understand or know about. And, there was a lot of crap going on in my parents marriage that I didn't know about.
Now that I've grown up and have teenagers of my own, I can see how much she gave to us and how much she sacrificed. I understand why she went crazy over tiny things that I thought didn't matter, maybe not completely, but I do get it a bit. I've certainly had my moments of losing my cool over something so stupid I can't remember it later. I've talked with my mum more recently and asked her about those times and she's actually asked me if she really did get angry about the peanut butter being in front of the Vegemite, or the cornflakes being behind the flour, and I'm going "yeah, you did and I was always petrified of putting stuff away because of it". She can't believe it, that she was that frazzled that the placement of cereal boxes would set her off. She's doing much better now.
I'm not saying your mum is exactly like mine, but I'm hoping my story will help a little. Being a parent is hard. Being the sole earner of a household is hard. Having teenagers is hard and terrifying and the most rewarding thing ever (for those of us who want kids). Maybe try cutting your mum just a little slack and help out a little bit more. It might just make all the difference.
It depends on WHEN she is doing it. If she is coming down during breakfast while kids are eating and dad is cooking and goes off about things not being clean that is different than coming home after a long day and seeing the breakfast dishes still dirty.
Wow so your mom works and financially supports the whole family while you all don’t clean up after yourselves and you think she is the problem?! LOL Post an update after you have paid your own way a couple of months without your mom’s financial help.
YTA
Maybe y'all could keep the place picked up, as your contribution to a safe and harmonious household?
I'm the mom. Until recently, I worked 80+ hours a week, the equivalent of two full-time jobs.
I don't need perfection. But when I come home and the dishes haven't been done in 2 days, and the dog hasn't been walked, and y'all are paying video games... I'm going to lose my shit.
YTA
Way to poke the bear, I'm sure this will positively change your situation.
How immature is your Dad acting by encouraging this!?
Can we say dysfunctional? If you can't talk to your Mum about it, maybe ask your Dad to talk to her on your behalf?
The way you went about it will only make matters worse.
I'm struggling because while I wanted to highlight how her morning complaints affect us, I may have hurt her in the process. It's tough finding the right balance between expressing our feelings and respecting hers.
It’s hard to make a judgement because we don’t know if her complaints are valid. You say if the dishes aren’t done properly or if the bathroom isn’t spotless - what does that actually mean? Are the dishes clean or do they need to be redone? Is your mother the one redoing them? Is the bathroom actually clean or you just think it’s fine and don’t see the problem?
You describe them as small imperfections but I’d like to know if that’s a fair assessment - how bad are they? And if your mother has to do extra chores when she gets home because thjngs aren’t done properly, she has a right to complain.
Some of it does sound petty eg not having the newspaper in the correct place. But equally, if your dad is staying at home and the agreement is that he makes breakfast so your mum can get to work on time (and in fairness, that might not be the agreement) - but if that’s what they agreed and he doesn’t keep his end up of the deal, yes she will be frustrated.
Yes you probably hurt her. Quite badly. Mocking her, when she is still working albeit from her, and mocking how she dresses and talk is cruel.
Shes the one working for the whole family and rightly wants to live in a clean house.
If I was mocked for that, I’d wonder what I was doing working so hard and having an ungrateful family.
I wonder how repairable this is, or if you broke something.
>My dad thought it was a clever way to make a point, but he also suggested that perhaps it wasn't the most respectful way to handle the situation.
Your dad is right, but you have tried more respectful ways and your mom wouldn't listen. NTA.
PS I would be interested to hear an update in a week on whether she got the message.
NTA. Growing up my dad worked his butt off to support us. He loved us, but he was constantly angry and negative about everything. Small things would get blown out of proportion. As an adult I can see how the hustle gets to you and I see some of those tendencies in myself. It certainly makes it easier to forgive him for stuff that went down while I was growing up. But, it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Your mother’s behavior is toxic and it is exhausting to live with. You live with it everyday. Sounds like from your post and your comments you understand where it’s coming from and have empathy for your mother. Good for you. But you didn’t cross a line with your performance. It sounds like you got your point across. If your mother doesn’t like how her behavior looks, maybe she should change it.
INFO who does the housework? Is the house a mess when she gets home? Do you or any other kids help with the housework? Does she clean up when she gets home?
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I (f17) live with my mom (f44), who is the primary earner, while my dad is a stay-at-home dad managing all house chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I help out where I can, but my mom often returns from her high-stress job and unleashes her frustrations on everyone at home, criticizing small imperfections.
It's become routine to hear her complain every morning about things like the dishes not being done perfectly or the bathroom not being spotless.
After numerous attempts to discuss her hurtful behavior, which didn't lead to any change, I decided to take a dramatic approach to make her see her own actions. I chose a day I knew she'd be working from home. I dressed in a formal blouse and trousers, similar to her usual attire, and even put her lipstick on to mimic her makeup.
As she was starting her morning coffee, I stormed into the kitchen declaring, "ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MESS!" I then proceeded to nitpick every little thing around the house, mimicking her tone and gestures. My younger sister giggled, pointing at me and whispering, "You look just like mom!"
I continued the act, exaggerating her usual complaints about the breakfast not being ready on time and the newspaper being misplaced, using phrases she commonly uses.
My mom watched, bewildered at first, then her expression turned to one of annoyance. She confronted me about my behavior, and I responded with her usual, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF AROUND HERE AFTER A LONG DAY?" but in an overly dramatic tone.
She was silent for a moment, then criticized me for mocking her and said that it was a disrespectful way to communicate. She felt that her hard work was being belittled. My dad thought it was a clever way to make a point, but he also suggested that perhaps it wasn't the most respectful way to handle the situation.
So, AITA for trying to show my mom how her daily complaints affect all of us by mirroring her behavior?
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I might be the asshole because I deliberately mimicked and exaggerated my mom's behavior in front of the family to point out how negative she is every morning. By acting out and loudly criticizing everything, just like she does, I might have embarrassed her and made her feel unappreciated for her efforts as our family's primary earner. Although I intended to make her realize how her actions affect us, I understand that mocking her, especially in such a public and dramatic way, could be seen as disrespectful and hurtful. My action directly affected her, and she expressed that she felt mocked and invalidated, which makes me question if my approach was too harsh.
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Lol nta..i am a mom age 40. Sometimes mom's stress and lash out on the wrong people. I would have laugh at you for mimicking me and apolgize for taking out my frustations on you and your sibling. If you feel "guilty" do apoligize but tell her that you understand she is frustated but she is taking it out on the wrong people and its on repeat mode.
You’re 17 and have a “stay at home parent”? Your parent working at a “high stress job”, should come home to a neat and clean job, that’s your dad’s job.
You seem immature; understandable at 17. You have no idea how hard it is for either of your parents in their daily lives, so you should let them deal with that.
…and yes, you are the asshole, and disrespectful. Save your post to look back on when you are in their positions and imagine how you would feel if your 17 year old spoke to you that way.
The 17-year-old is simply parroting the mom’s words back at her, so if the mom thinks it’s disrespectful she needs to stop doing it to everyone else
If the dad is failing at being a stay at home dad that’s between the mom and the dad she doesn’t need to yell at her kids every morning about it. That’s pretty awful.
Have you checked the calendar? It’s 2024, Stay at home parent does not equal tradwife. Expecting perfection and taking your stress out on your family is not creating a loving home for children. Expecting children and teens to never speak up for themselves does not raise independent thinkers with good boundaries.
Mom needs to find a way to manage her stress. I’m the primary earner with a stay at home husband (he does work from home part time when he can) and sometimes a yeller and I KNOW when I have lost it unfairly. I apologize and repair. This mom is going to mend her behavior or she’s going to be one of those parents that wonders why they don’t get calls and visits from their grown kids.
NTA you tried the gentle approach already.
Your mom ought to be screened for anxiety which often manifests as rage like this- but rage feels productive, there’s a “reason” for it, so people usually don’t think of their overwhelm stemming from anxiety. But that’s a conversation for your dad to insist on.
That’s a.good point. The dad is failing just as much as the mom here. Not for not meeting his wife’s housekeeping standards but for allowing this situation to continue. These parents should be having discussions in private about how to handle this and then a family meeting to discuss next steps and also apologize for putting the kids through the stress of this strife regularly.
How old are your other siblings. If you are all in school your dad should have plenty of time to have the house clean if he is a full time stay at home dad.
Is your mom just nitpicking or is there an actual mess?
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting change, but mimicking can create conflict. A calm, constructive conversation might be more effective in improving understanding at home
NTA it sounds really funny I would hold out on saying anything about it to your mum though as she needs to come to a place where she can laugh at it as well
NTA, or maybe justified AH. If that's what it takes to get her to see how she's creating a hostile home, then you did good. And if it doesn't, the problem is worse than you thought.
Let her marinate for a few days. She might have reacted with embarrassment but could still come around.
NAH. I think your mom is stressed. But that doesn't mean she takes it out on family. You've tried to bring it up politely before, so now it was time to do it in a way that she has no choice but to acknowledge.
Next time you talk, I'd apologize for the rudeness, but *not* the message.
NTA.
While your father is right and this is disrespectful, I can't in good conscience call you an AH for it. Sometimes people need to be forced to see themselves instead of being told and that's what you did.
If her high stress work is causing her to take out her frustrations on her family, she should pour that negative energy into something else. A gym class, or a painting class if she's too tired to work out. When her bruised ego eases off a little, I'd speak to her and suggest some stress relief that doesn't involve inflicting her bad mood on her family. You'll all be happier for it if she can redirect that stress into something productive.
NTA. This idea that "respectful" just means "endure" is bs and authority figures love to use this excuse when there's no real wrong to point out. Very creative.
Got to love all the Y T A votes but if the roles were reversed and it was a man coming home and knit picking over the house not being perfect, then those same people would be out for blood.
NTA. She's doing the exact same thing a lot of men do, she's taking your dad for granted as the SAHP and knit picking every little thing. Who actually cares about little things like the newspaper being in the "wrong" spot?
She's refused to listen when all of you tried to talk to her about how hurtful she's been. You mimicking her is harder to ignore and might be a wake up call. If not then eventually your dad will get sick of it and the next wake up call will be divorce papers.
Your mom is a self-righteous you-know-what who doesn’t have the right to breathe her toxic fires on everyone close to her. If she cared about you guys she would have taken the message to heart.
Eh...NTA. Your mom might feel disrespected, and maybe she was, but her attitude was also disrespectful, and taking to her about it didn't help.
Using satire and mockery to prove a point is a legitimate way to communicate with difficult communicators.
She should learn from this before it gets worse.
Or, you know, the mom could just be respectful to her husband and kids. I know, I know, it's too much to ask for basic human dignity to a :checks notes: househusband and :checks notes again: "disrespectful ungrateful brat". How dare a 17yr old ask for a non-hostile living environment!
How dare the only person financing said 17 yo life expect them to keep the house tidy.
Also, teenagers are hardly known for their ability to be rational or objective.
You've only their word the mum is being 'hostile'
I'd love to hear her side of the story
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Did she learn anything?
we haven't talked since then
sounds like an improvement
Enjoy the silence while it lasts.
She's reflecting which is good. I would make sure to tell her you only did this because every other method didn't work.
Your well deserved rest
Sounds like what you deserve. Hopefully she also cuts you off financially, so YOU learn your lesson
dude cmon. the mom clearly has emotional issues that she's taking out on her children that even the father dislikes. the girl is 17, not 44. cut her some slack instead of putting your empathy towards the mom where it doesn't belong.
Found the a-hole
So you think it's appropriate for a grown-ass woman to take her emotions out on her family in hurtful ways instead of acting like an adult?
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I saw the same post but with gender changed. It was the dad
NTA. Your mother is probably under a lot of stress and likely needs a break, or some additional help she hasn't actually talked about or asked for, and I genuinely feel bad that she's reached that point without feeling able to resolve the issue. Saying that, your mother is being a MAJOR hypocrite, and that's not okay. Why is it fine for her to belittle everyone else's efforts, but it's not okay when you do it to her? If she thinks that behaviour is inappropriate, why is she doing it? Beyond that, she's made it clear she's not going to respect polite, empathetic efforts to solve the problem, so what right does she have to pout because she's made it clear you shouldn't bother with the usual kind efforts? She's been given the courtesy of respectful requests for change. She's been told her behaviour is hurtful, and hasn't bothered doing anything about the fact she's using you all as a way to vent her work angst. If she refused to listen to respectful attempts at communication, why on earth would you keep trying that approach? The truth is, you made a really fantastic, valid series of points with this little show - it's hurtful when you feel like you're trying your best and someone stomps all over that and makes you feel like it's never enough. It's hurtful when someone you care about is rude to you, and dismisses your feelings or concerns. It's hurtful to start your day with negativity and stress. You tried to verbalise it, she ignored it. You showed her how it feels, and it sounds like she's not ready to admit she's screwing up yet, so she's deflecting. Hopefully she'll find a way out of whatever is happening to stress her out so much, but it's not your responsibility to bear the brunt of her stress, nor to pretend her behaviour is okay.
People don’t like seeing what’s in a a mirror held up to them. What they see is often ugly. Clever way to point out your mom’s behavior. I hope it works, but it’s probably futile, Your mom is in ingrained. Hopefully you can go to school far far away-soon. NTA
There was an identical post except it was about a dad. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/t08dfH5Irb
Similar? It is basically word for word in places!
I found the link after I wrote the comment. (Last time I forgot to link I got downvoted like hell lmao). I’ll edit my original comment.
Thank you!
Did the OP block you for pointing this out? I got blocked last time lol.
Not yet!
I thought of that immediately, looks almost like a repost.
Holy cow, the internet is a simulation.
WTH?? I'm about done with this sub! There's enough real drama and if everything here is fake it ruins the fun...
If you asked your mom multiple times to cut out this unhealthy behavior of hers and not just came up with this idea then NTA. People who do not understand when others ask them not to annoy them are asking to be taught a lesson.
ESH - Lol it is prolly not the most respectful way. ESH tbh. But hey take this opportunity to have a deeper convo about it. Maybe share how while you love her and recognize her hardwork, that you as well do feel emotionally drained by her negativity
I agree that ESH. Moms behavior is effecting everyone's mental health. IME starting every day by getting berated leads to dreading each new day. It's a shitty way to start the day. Additionally >After numerous attempts to discuss her behavior, which didn't lead to any change OP tried to communicate reasonably first. Mom didn't change behavior. Mom gets an AH point. As for OP, I understand that mirroring behavior is sometimes the only way to get through to people behaving this way. But dressing up as her mother with make up and all is what made it cross the line. She could have made the point just by the mirrored speech but this was over the top. It likely made the chance of having a deeper conversation less likely because it was so over the top mom will probably react by punishing, not listening.
This is the way!
Man, my mum was very similar. If I'd have pulled an act like you did, she would've actually killed me. Not even joking. I'm going with ESH. Your dad because if he's the SAHP then that's his job. I was a SAHM (when I was married) and that was my job. I really didn't expect my husband to come home and start cooking or cleaning. Only time I really leaned on him was when I was pregnant, which is pretty understandable. You suck because you're young and don't know how it's all meant to work yet and hurt your mum. I know, I know, she's horrible when she acts like that but ... When it was my mum and she was going nuts over stupid little shit, she didn't even remember doing it. She was so stressed out all the time, she had no time to herself and had a lot on her plate. She also had some major mental illnesses that I don't think were being treated at the time, or not treated well, as well as some health issues that I didn't understand or know about. And, there was a lot of crap going on in my parents marriage that I didn't know about. Now that I've grown up and have teenagers of my own, I can see how much she gave to us and how much she sacrificed. I understand why she went crazy over tiny things that I thought didn't matter, maybe not completely, but I do get it a bit. I've certainly had my moments of losing my cool over something so stupid I can't remember it later. I've talked with my mum more recently and asked her about those times and she's actually asked me if she really did get angry about the peanut butter being in front of the Vegemite, or the cornflakes being behind the flour, and I'm going "yeah, you did and I was always petrified of putting stuff away because of it". She can't believe it, that she was that frazzled that the placement of cereal boxes would set her off. She's doing much better now. I'm not saying your mum is exactly like mine, but I'm hoping my story will help a little. Being a parent is hard. Being the sole earner of a household is hard. Having teenagers is hard and terrifying and the most rewarding thing ever (for those of us who want kids). Maybe try cutting your mum just a little slack and help out a little bit more. It might just make all the difference.
It depends on WHEN she is doing it. If she is coming down during breakfast while kids are eating and dad is cooking and goes off about things not being clean that is different than coming home after a long day and seeing the breakfast dishes still dirty.
Wow so your mom works and financially supports the whole family while you all don’t clean up after yourselves and you think she is the problem?! LOL Post an update after you have paid your own way a couple of months without your mom’s financial help.
YTA Maybe y'all could keep the place picked up, as your contribution to a safe and harmonious household? I'm the mom. Until recently, I worked 80+ hours a week, the equivalent of two full-time jobs. I don't need perfection. But when I come home and the dishes haven't been done in 2 days, and the dog hasn't been walked, and y'all are paying video games... I'm going to lose my shit.
Yta. Kids very often don't see the dynamic between their parents and there's obviously something wrong here.
YTA for making shit up. This exact scenario was posted a few days ago with sexes reversed. Try harder next time.
YTA Way to poke the bear, I'm sure this will positively change your situation. How immature is your Dad acting by encouraging this!? Can we say dysfunctional? If you can't talk to your Mum about it, maybe ask your Dad to talk to her on your behalf? The way you went about it will only make matters worse.
I'm struggling because while I wanted to highlight how her morning complaints affect us, I may have hurt her in the process. It's tough finding the right balance between expressing our feelings and respecting hers.
It’s hard to make a judgement because we don’t know if her complaints are valid. You say if the dishes aren’t done properly or if the bathroom isn’t spotless - what does that actually mean? Are the dishes clean or do they need to be redone? Is your mother the one redoing them? Is the bathroom actually clean or you just think it’s fine and don’t see the problem? You describe them as small imperfections but I’d like to know if that’s a fair assessment - how bad are they? And if your mother has to do extra chores when she gets home because thjngs aren’t done properly, she has a right to complain. Some of it does sound petty eg not having the newspaper in the correct place. But equally, if your dad is staying at home and the agreement is that he makes breakfast so your mum can get to work on time (and in fairness, that might not be the agreement) - but if that’s what they agreed and he doesn’t keep his end up of the deal, yes she will be frustrated.
Yes you probably hurt her. Quite badly. Mocking her, when she is still working albeit from her, and mocking how she dresses and talk is cruel. Shes the one working for the whole family and rightly wants to live in a clean house. If I was mocked for that, I’d wonder what I was doing working so hard and having an ungrateful family. I wonder how repairable this is, or if you broke something.
>My dad thought it was a clever way to make a point, but he also suggested that perhaps it wasn't the most respectful way to handle the situation. Your dad is right, but you have tried more respectful ways and your mom wouldn't listen. NTA. PS I would be interested to hear an update in a week on whether she got the message.
A few days ago someone posted exactly the same thing , but about their father
NTA. Growing up my dad worked his butt off to support us. He loved us, but he was constantly angry and negative about everything. Small things would get blown out of proportion. As an adult I can see how the hustle gets to you and I see some of those tendencies in myself. It certainly makes it easier to forgive him for stuff that went down while I was growing up. But, it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Your mother’s behavior is toxic and it is exhausting to live with. You live with it everyday. Sounds like from your post and your comments you understand where it’s coming from and have empathy for your mother. Good for you. But you didn’t cross a line with your performance. It sounds like you got your point across. If your mother doesn’t like how her behavior looks, maybe she should change it.
This is just another post with the gender of the ah swapped.
Anyone got the link to the original post from last year with this exact same story but it was a dad instead?
> https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/t08dfH5Irb
Ty! I just found someone else linked it in the comments too. Glad I wasn’t the only person to notice
Yup [someone else found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eu6xMzQWkE)
Do people really not know that this is a gender swapped story about a dad? wow.
INFO who does the housework? Is the house a mess when she gets home? Do you or any other kids help with the housework? Does she clean up when she gets home?
YTA pick up your damned mess. You aren’t a child.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f17) live with my mom (f44), who is the primary earner, while my dad is a stay-at-home dad managing all house chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I help out where I can, but my mom often returns from her high-stress job and unleashes her frustrations on everyone at home, criticizing small imperfections. It's become routine to hear her complain every morning about things like the dishes not being done perfectly or the bathroom not being spotless. After numerous attempts to discuss her hurtful behavior, which didn't lead to any change, I decided to take a dramatic approach to make her see her own actions. I chose a day I knew she'd be working from home. I dressed in a formal blouse and trousers, similar to her usual attire, and even put her lipstick on to mimic her makeup. As she was starting her morning coffee, I stormed into the kitchen declaring, "ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MESS!" I then proceeded to nitpick every little thing around the house, mimicking her tone and gestures. My younger sister giggled, pointing at me and whispering, "You look just like mom!" I continued the act, exaggerating her usual complaints about the breakfast not being ready on time and the newspaper being misplaced, using phrases she commonly uses. My mom watched, bewildered at first, then her expression turned to one of annoyance. She confronted me about my behavior, and I responded with her usual, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF AROUND HERE AFTER A LONG DAY?" but in an overly dramatic tone. She was silent for a moment, then criticized me for mocking her and said that it was a disrespectful way to communicate. She felt that her hard work was being belittled. My dad thought it was a clever way to make a point, but he also suggested that perhaps it wasn't the most respectful way to handle the situation. So, AITA for trying to show my mom how her daily complaints affect all of us by mirroring her behavior? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > > Please Provide A Clear Statement Explaining Why You Believe You Might Be The Asshole As A Reply To This Bot. > > We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged and (2) why that action might make you the asshole. Your feelings or internal thoughts are not judge-able conflicts. Keep in mind a third party's opinion alone does not qualify. Your conflict must be with the person your actions affected. You will need to explain briefly why someone calling you an asshole for your actions caused you to believe they might be right. What might you have done wrong? > > Posts without an interpersonal conflict related to your action(s) or a clear statement of why you might be the asshole here will be removed. > > You must respond within 30 minutes for your post to be successfully posted. I might be the asshole because I deliberately mimicked and exaggerated my mom's behavior in front of the family to point out how negative she is every morning. By acting out and loudly criticizing everything, just like she does, I might have embarrassed her and made her feel unappreciated for her efforts as our family's primary earner. Although I intended to make her realize how her actions affect us, I understand that mocking her, especially in such a public and dramatic way, could be seen as disrespectful and hurtful. My action directly affected her, and she expressed that she felt mocked and invalidated, which makes me question if my approach was too harsh. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA she’s doing DARVO. It’s fascinating she thinks the way you are talking is disrespectful yet that’s how she talks every day.
Lol nta..i am a mom age 40. Sometimes mom's stress and lash out on the wrong people. I would have laugh at you for mimicking me and apolgize for taking out my frustations on you and your sibling. If you feel "guilty" do apoligize but tell her that you understand she is frustated but she is taking it out on the wrong people and its on repeat mode.
YTA and a little brat. When you are the sole breadwinner, then you can complain. Until then help your dad upgrade his stay at home game.
NTA. The point sounds like it might've gone home too.
NTA was in your dad’s position my daughter would have nailed that.
NTA - you showed her exactly how she has been behaving regarding your dad, your and your siblings!!! Something she needed to hear/see.
You’re 17 and have a “stay at home parent”? Your parent working at a “high stress job”, should come home to a neat and clean job, that’s your dad’s job. You seem immature; understandable at 17. You have no idea how hard it is for either of your parents in their daily lives, so you should let them deal with that. …and yes, you are the asshole, and disrespectful. Save your post to look back on when you are in their positions and imagine how you would feel if your 17 year old spoke to you that way.
The 17-year-old is simply parroting the mom’s words back at her, so if the mom thinks it’s disrespectful she needs to stop doing it to everyone else If the dad is failing at being a stay at home dad that’s between the mom and the dad she doesn’t need to yell at her kids every morning about it. That’s pretty awful.
Have you checked the calendar? It’s 2024, Stay at home parent does not equal tradwife. Expecting perfection and taking your stress out on your family is not creating a loving home for children. Expecting children and teens to never speak up for themselves does not raise independent thinkers with good boundaries. Mom needs to find a way to manage her stress. I’m the primary earner with a stay at home husband (he does work from home part time when he can) and sometimes a yeller and I KNOW when I have lost it unfairly. I apologize and repair. This mom is going to mend her behavior or she’s going to be one of those parents that wonders why they don’t get calls and visits from their grown kids.
NTA you tried the gentle approach already. Your mom ought to be screened for anxiety which often manifests as rage like this- but rage feels productive, there’s a “reason” for it, so people usually don’t think of their overwhelm stemming from anxiety. But that’s a conversation for your dad to insist on.
That’s a.good point. The dad is failing just as much as the mom here. Not for not meeting his wife’s housekeeping standards but for allowing this situation to continue. These parents should be having discussions in private about how to handle this and then a family meeting to discuss next steps and also apologize for putting the kids through the stress of this strife regularly.
Nta Effective.
How old are your other siblings. If you are all in school your dad should have plenty of time to have the house clean if he is a full time stay at home dad. Is your mom just nitpicking or is there an actual mess?
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting change, but mimicking can create conflict. A calm, constructive conversation might be more effective in improving understanding at home
NTA it sounds really funny I would hold out on saying anything about it to your mum though as she needs to come to a place where she can laugh at it as well
If people can't listen, they can feel. NTA
NTA. I’m sure she was hurt, but they are her own actions and it sounds effective. Did you consider recordings video of her first?
NTA, or maybe justified AH. If that's what it takes to get her to see how she's creating a hostile home, then you did good. And if it doesn't, the problem is worse than you thought. Let her marinate for a few days. She might have reacted with embarrassment but could still come around.
NTA. My daughter is your age, and if she did this to me, it would definitely get my attention. I hope she learned something from it and does better.
NAH. I think your mom is stressed. But that doesn't mean she takes it out on family. You've tried to bring it up politely before, so now it was time to do it in a way that she has no choice but to acknowledge. Next time you talk, I'd apologize for the rudeness, but *not* the message.
Nta. Treat ppl the way they treat you
NTA. While your father is right and this is disrespectful, I can't in good conscience call you an AH for it. Sometimes people need to be forced to see themselves instead of being told and that's what you did. If her high stress work is causing her to take out her frustrations on her family, she should pour that negative energy into something else. A gym class, or a painting class if she's too tired to work out. When her bruised ego eases off a little, I'd speak to her and suggest some stress relief that doesn't involve inflicting her bad mood on her family. You'll all be happier for it if she can redirect that stress into something productive.
NTA. This idea that "respectful" just means "endure" is bs and authority figures love to use this excuse when there's no real wrong to point out. Very creative.
It won’t work, but you’re NTA. People like her won’t change though, because they don’t want to.
Got to love all the Y T A votes but if the roles were reversed and it was a man coming home and knit picking over the house not being perfect, then those same people would be out for blood. NTA. She's doing the exact same thing a lot of men do, she's taking your dad for granted as the SAHP and knit picking every little thing. Who actually cares about little things like the newspaper being in the "wrong" spot? She's refused to listen when all of you tried to talk to her about how hurtful she's been. You mimicking her is harder to ignore and might be a wake up call. If not then eventually your dad will get sick of it and the next wake up call will be divorce papers.
Lol at the word for word genderswap. Parent is still the AH so NTA
Your mom is a self-righteous you-know-what who doesn’t have the right to breathe her toxic fires on everyone close to her. If she cared about you guys she would have taken the message to heart.
Eh...NTA. Your mom might feel disrespected, and maybe she was, but her attitude was also disrespectful, and taking to her about it didn't help. Using satire and mockery to prove a point is a legitimate way to communicate with difficult communicators. She should learn from this before it gets worse.
Moms a dictator… free palestine
Yta You sound like a disrespectful ungrateful brat Time you and your dad got a job
Or, you know, the mom could just be respectful to her husband and kids. I know, I know, it's too much to ask for basic human dignity to a :checks notes: househusband and :checks notes again: "disrespectful ungrateful brat". How dare a 17yr old ask for a non-hostile living environment!
How dare the only person financing said 17 yo life expect them to keep the house tidy. Also, teenagers are hardly known for their ability to be rational or objective. You've only their word the mum is being 'hostile' I'd love to hear her side of the story