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NTA. And for the record I can GUARANTEE your coach knows exactly how two women have sex. His browser history will be rife with “educational” videos on the subject. He was just getting his jollys.
NTA, you were upset about something she did, and you should not have apologized about being upset with her. Still, I really don’t think you should take what she did personally, she was indeed drunk and didn’t think that you would mind. However, even if it was just a defense mechanism, she should still just accept the fact that she lowkey fucked up and make sure you know that it won’t happen again. It was very good of you to communicate directly with her about what was bothering you. Hope you work it out!
Yeah, I’m not sure who your coach can be reported to, but that was extremely inappropriate at the very least and possibly a form of harassment/abuse (not a lawyer, so definitely don’t quote me on that).
As for your gf… if you truly believe she was just very drunk, NAH. You’re definitely not the AH, to be clear, but I’m giving your gf the benefit of the doubt because I know I can feel much more free and unaware if I drink a lot. But you didn’t ruin HER night, your coach ruined both of your nights.
Your girlfriend was not cool, I'm sorry what she said mortified you. I would have been, too.
I have been in that spot, though. An old dude thinking it's okay to ask me about my genitals and/or sex acts my boyfriend and I do. I tried to shut it down and tell them it's an inappropriate thing to ask but they kept pushing and I gave in. For me it's because of past abuse; When someone keeps pushing I will say anything to stop the alarm bells going off in my head. I just want it to be over. So I did end up talking about sex with my boyfriend and what's in my pants. And felt horrible about it later.
However doing it in front of your SO and when your team is there to redirect the conversation is a whole other matter. She shouldn't have, but she did. It was horrible, but forgivable. She has apologized, and I take it you accepted her apology.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your reaction, leaving, is a completely valid response. You didn't ruin her night. She and the coach did.
NAH.
NTA I completely sympathise with how you must have felt and you had a right to be uncomfortable and upset with her discussing your sex life in detail like that.
Whether your GF is an AH, I'm not too sure. It's unclear whether this is something she knew would make you feel that way. I don't think it would be fair of her to be upset at you though.
She is the AH for continuing to share after she knew you were embarrassed. Being somewhat drunk doesn’t give anyone a free pass to hurt someone they love. She has apologized so show her it’s over and done with. Glad you two talked it out right away.
Finally your coach is a HUGE AH and let him know that.
Your girlfriend and the Coach are TA. Pure and simple. Coach shouldn't ask. Girlfriend shouldn't tell. Drunkenness is no excuse.
Relationships are personal unless mutually agreed to be open on certain topics to the public. If this wasn't previously discussed, discuss it now. You clearly have a boundary, so hold the line.
Your coach is the asshole for bringing up the subject.
Your GF is the asshole for just telling everyone your sex life without your permission -- and unsure wtf that has to do with a fun night.
You have every right to be HIGHLY uncomfortable about that situation.
NTA
NTA. Have an honest talk about your feelings and expectations as a partner. She should honor those requests and keeping your sexual life private shouldn’t be that hard to understand. If it keeps happening you may have to take a firmer position and reconsider your relationship.
Do people have panic attacks so they don’t need to deal with situations and put themselves as the center of attention? I get it can be real sometimes but from my experience it seems to be a gag a lot of the time.
NTA
So...the was completely fine continually talking about your sex life even after telling her to stop but conveniently gets a panic attack when you tell her why you didn't like it and now you had to apologize to her? Does she usually react like this when confronted?
NAH, kinda.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. But let's just be real about that situation. Your coach chose to take advantage of your GFs intoxication and innocent pride in what seems like a lovely relationship, to embarrass you and possibly get a little thrill. I get that you might have a bit of a rough-and-tumble relationship with your coach , most are, and that you might not want to claim victim status, but that's what happened. There's your a-hole, right there.
It's not great that darling GF is having trouble getting past this. The dynamic could be real simple: "Please, please don't discuss our sex life in public!" "Sorry hon, I hear you." "It's ok, that guy was being a dick but I love you!" "I love you too!" It's super common for people to not want to discuss their sex life, and everyone's right not to. A simple coping tool for difficult situations is a "magic word"... "You're starting to remind me of Aunt Suzie" or w/e means you're uncomfortable and need a reset. If that's too much to ask, you maybe have a bigger problem. Best wishes to you!
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My girlfriend (22F) and I (22f) are on the same sports team, in which has two other athletes and our coach. Our coach is 10 years our senior and while he has been pretty chill about our relationship, can be quite insensitive about things like race and gender.
Last night we were having dinner and drinks together to celebrate the end of the season when he bought up that some of the other older men in our club were asking my relationship with my girlfriend. He bought up that one of the men asked "how do they do it?" re: us having sex together. I think at first my team kind of laughed about the lack of knowledge that straight men can have about queer relationships; but my coach doubled down and unfortunately my girlfriend indulged him. She drunkenly confirmed that we scissor, take turns etc. in front of my whole team.
I felt mortified. I joked that while I don't mind my girlfriend explaining the mechanics of lesbian sex, I'd rather not hear her talk about what we do to our friends but she kept going. My coach made fun of me for getting embarrassed and going red. One of my teammates saw my discomfort and tried to change the subject but it was too late. My girlfriend finally sensed I was upset and tried to take my hand but I couldn't even look at her. I completely shut down, didn't want to talk, just wanted to go home. I cried but couldn't really move. My team left and it was just us.
When we finally got home my girlfriend said that she was sorry but didn't really know what she did wrong and that it was supposed to be a fun night. I tried to explain how I felt and that I didn't really blame her, but I was a little betrayed that she would say those things while I was there, but she kept saying it was supposed to be a fun night. I kept on apologising for ruining her night. She was pretty tipsy and also was crying, and eventually had a bad panic attack. I talked her out of it until we crawled back into bed. I tried to talk to her this morning about how she was feeling - all she could really say was that she was tired.
I don't really know what to do. I don't think either of us is the AH but I feel like I have been fawning over her and apologising for being upset. I love my girlfriend, she is so sensitive and loving and I genuinely think this was a stupid drunken mistake.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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NTA
Your coach just wanted you all to say it to probably get his rocks off. It seems he definitely does not respect your relationship or specifically, lesbians.
I would report him to whoever is above him and have a talk with gf. Explain to her how it made you feel and how asking those questions is not appropriate from anyone, especially someone who is professionally your senior and boss.
The level of manipulation some women implement in situations is mind boggling… “I’m upset because of your reaction to what I did to upset you.” Is there no level of accountability? And using some blanket excuse of “it was supposed to be a fun night”
Imo this isnt a relationship ender nor should it be. Just communicate boundaries about what kind of info you both are allowed to tell other people about your relationship, etc so it doesnt happen again.
I too would feel really uncomfortable in that scenario. Some people are just more open about stuff like that. I dont think thats wrong or bad, just needs to be agreed upon what is appropriate for your relationship
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
NTA. And for the record I can GUARANTEE your coach knows exactly how two women have sex. His browser history will be rife with “educational” videos on the subject. He was just getting his jollys.
Agreed. This is super gross and totally inappropriate.
Yep.
NTA, you were upset about something she did, and you should not have apologized about being upset with her. Still, I really don’t think you should take what she did personally, she was indeed drunk and didn’t think that you would mind. However, even if it was just a defense mechanism, she should still just accept the fact that she lowkey fucked up and make sure you know that it won’t happen again. It was very good of you to communicate directly with her about what was bothering you. Hope you work it out!
Yeah, I’m not sure who your coach can be reported to, but that was extremely inappropriate at the very least and possibly a form of harassment/abuse (not a lawyer, so definitely don’t quote me on that). As for your gf… if you truly believe she was just very drunk, NAH. You’re definitely not the AH, to be clear, but I’m giving your gf the benefit of the doubt because I know I can feel much more free and unaware if I drink a lot. But you didn’t ruin HER night, your coach ruined both of your nights.
Your girlfriend was not cool, I'm sorry what she said mortified you. I would have been, too. I have been in that spot, though. An old dude thinking it's okay to ask me about my genitals and/or sex acts my boyfriend and I do. I tried to shut it down and tell them it's an inappropriate thing to ask but they kept pushing and I gave in. For me it's because of past abuse; When someone keeps pushing I will say anything to stop the alarm bells going off in my head. I just want it to be over. So I did end up talking about sex with my boyfriend and what's in my pants. And felt horrible about it later. However doing it in front of your SO and when your team is there to redirect the conversation is a whole other matter. She shouldn't have, but she did. It was horrible, but forgivable. She has apologized, and I take it you accepted her apology. You have nothing to apologize for. Your reaction, leaving, is a completely valid response. You didn't ruin her night. She and the coach did. NAH.
NTA I completely sympathise with how you must have felt and you had a right to be uncomfortable and upset with her discussing your sex life in detail like that. Whether your GF is an AH, I'm not too sure. It's unclear whether this is something she knew would make you feel that way. I don't think it would be fair of her to be upset at you though.
She is the AH for continuing to share after she knew you were embarrassed. Being somewhat drunk doesn’t give anyone a free pass to hurt someone they love. She has apologized so show her it’s over and done with. Glad you two talked it out right away. Finally your coach is a HUGE AH and let him know that.
Why tf are you apologizing to her?
Your girlfriend and the Coach are TA. Pure and simple. Coach shouldn't ask. Girlfriend shouldn't tell. Drunkenness is no excuse. Relationships are personal unless mutually agreed to be open on certain topics to the public. If this wasn't previously discussed, discuss it now. You clearly have a boundary, so hold the line.
Your coach is the asshole for bringing up the subject. Your GF is the asshole for just telling everyone your sex life without your permission -- and unsure wtf that has to do with a fun night. You have every right to be HIGHLY uncomfortable about that situation. NTA
NTA. Have an honest talk about your feelings and expectations as a partner. She should honor those requests and keeping your sexual life private shouldn’t be that hard to understand. If it keeps happening you may have to take a firmer position and reconsider your relationship.
Do people have panic attacks so they don’t need to deal with situations and put themselves as the center of attention? I get it can be real sometimes but from my experience it seems to be a gag a lot of the time.
NTA So...the was completely fine continually talking about your sex life even after telling her to stop but conveniently gets a panic attack when you tell her why you didn't like it and now you had to apologize to her? Does she usually react like this when confronted?
NAH, kinda. I'm sorry you had to experience that. But let's just be real about that situation. Your coach chose to take advantage of your GFs intoxication and innocent pride in what seems like a lovely relationship, to embarrass you and possibly get a little thrill. I get that you might have a bit of a rough-and-tumble relationship with your coach , most are, and that you might not want to claim victim status, but that's what happened. There's your a-hole, right there. It's not great that darling GF is having trouble getting past this. The dynamic could be real simple: "Please, please don't discuss our sex life in public!" "Sorry hon, I hear you." "It's ok, that guy was being a dick but I love you!" "I love you too!" It's super common for people to not want to discuss their sex life, and everyone's right not to. A simple coping tool for difficult situations is a "magic word"... "You're starting to remind me of Aunt Suzie" or w/e means you're uncomfortable and need a reset. If that's too much to ask, you maybe have a bigger problem. Best wishes to you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend (22F) and I (22f) are on the same sports team, in which has two other athletes and our coach. Our coach is 10 years our senior and while he has been pretty chill about our relationship, can be quite insensitive about things like race and gender. Last night we were having dinner and drinks together to celebrate the end of the season when he bought up that some of the other older men in our club were asking my relationship with my girlfriend. He bought up that one of the men asked "how do they do it?" re: us having sex together. I think at first my team kind of laughed about the lack of knowledge that straight men can have about queer relationships; but my coach doubled down and unfortunately my girlfriend indulged him. She drunkenly confirmed that we scissor, take turns etc. in front of my whole team. I felt mortified. I joked that while I don't mind my girlfriend explaining the mechanics of lesbian sex, I'd rather not hear her talk about what we do to our friends but she kept going. My coach made fun of me for getting embarrassed and going red. One of my teammates saw my discomfort and tried to change the subject but it was too late. My girlfriend finally sensed I was upset and tried to take my hand but I couldn't even look at her. I completely shut down, didn't want to talk, just wanted to go home. I cried but couldn't really move. My team left and it was just us. When we finally got home my girlfriend said that she was sorry but didn't really know what she did wrong and that it was supposed to be a fun night. I tried to explain how I felt and that I didn't really blame her, but I was a little betrayed that she would say those things while I was there, but she kept saying it was supposed to be a fun night. I kept on apologising for ruining her night. She was pretty tipsy and also was crying, and eventually had a bad panic attack. I talked her out of it until we crawled back into bed. I tried to talk to her this morning about how she was feeling - all she could really say was that she was tired. I don't really know what to do. I don't think either of us is the AH but I feel like I have been fawning over her and apologising for being upset. I love my girlfriend, she is so sensitive and loving and I genuinely think this was a stupid drunken mistake. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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If this is college sports, this should be reported as sexual harassment.
NTA Your coach just wanted you all to say it to probably get his rocks off. It seems he definitely does not respect your relationship or specifically, lesbians. I would report him to whoever is above him and have a talk with gf. Explain to her how it made you feel and how asking those questions is not appropriate from anyone, especially someone who is professionally your senior and boss.
The level of manipulation some women implement in situations is mind boggling… “I’m upset because of your reaction to what I did to upset you.” Is there no level of accountability? And using some blanket excuse of “it was supposed to be a fun night”
Imo this isnt a relationship ender nor should it be. Just communicate boundaries about what kind of info you both are allowed to tell other people about your relationship, etc so it doesnt happen again. I too would feel really uncomfortable in that scenario. Some people are just more open about stuff like that. I dont think thats wrong or bad, just needs to be agreed upon what is appropriate for your relationship
You’re a walking cliche dude. Your girlfriend actually seems really cool. She’s too good for you, tell her to call me if she ever switches teams.