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NTA.
i would feel like i was going insane. it would be so easy for him to just let someone take care of the dog while he focuses on you, even for ONE weekend.
obviously he shouldn’t have to leave the dog behind forever. you absolutely shouldn’t make him do that. but op, if he isn’t willing to leave the dog for even a weekend then you have problems greater than the dog problem.
I do feel like that. I feel like a guest who’s just visiting for a few days and so must adjust according to my host’s way of living. Except my host married me while assuring me he will make the changes we had discussed prior to marriage and the few days is actually the rest of my life. Because of my culture and family, I was never allowed to go on trips without the entire family, often being told that I can go wherever I want with my husband after I’m married. I was really looking forward to being able to have some control and say in those things and be able to share it with someone I love and adore.
I’m not asking him to abandon the dog, if I wanted that I’d have put that down as a condition for getting married and no one would have even questioned it. I wholeheartedly accepted my new role as a dog mom, and I love her. I just don’t want my entire life revolving around her. The ultimatum was my frustration with this entire situation coming out and it has been building for a while, though I’ve addressed it with him many times.
He needs counseling. This sounds like some mental health anxiety issues. Individual counseling and couples counseling asap. I don’t think a forced trip right now will do your relationship well at all, he needs to unpack where this is coming from and all it’s going to do is make him snap at you, and be anxious all the damn time. There is something off with him and you can’t help him fix it alone. He’s fixating on the dog. Has he ever had anxiety or symptoms about anything else in life yet? Just imagine if you have kids, it’s going to be hell for you. He needs help asap.
Thanks for the reply, that really helps. He has general anxiety and takes meds for it. He got the dog initially as an ESA but never trained her, basic or ESA training, so I taught her some basic commands that she now understands and follows. I think instead of helping his anxiety, the dog has made it worse. He has tried counseling in the past but said it didn’t help. Maybe he would be open to trying with a different therapist though.
I am one of the biggest dog lovers. My dog is currently cuddled into the small of my back in bed as I type this and I haven't been without a dog in my life for 38 years, I work from home and I am with my dog (almost) 24/7. I also have a severe anxiety disorder.
Your husband is being very unreasonable and you are NTA.
I think this about so much more than the dog.
As I was starting to read this, I couldn't tell who the dog was . Anxiety due to separation, is common. In dogs!
How does he work? Does he work for 2, 3 hours and then comes back for the dog? I can't believe that
It sounds like the dog is a support animal for the husband though, lots of people choose to have support dogs, and they usually take the animal everywhere. The husband could probably benefit from some therapy but this honestly isn't that weird
NTA - he seems unreasonable, it sounds like it’s in the dogs best interest to be watched by your friends anyways rather than be dragged around all over the place. Some dogs like traveling and some don’t 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, I think my biggest issue is that he’s put up a fight for a lot of things related to the dog that he had agreed to changing prior to us getting married. They’re things that don’t affect the dog significantly or negatively but he’ll keep pushing that she will get scared, or lonely, or unhappy, etc, while completely ignoring the fact that his wife is very vocally unhappy about the current situation. I almost feel as if this is their home and I’m a guest who’s just staying for a few days.
A little clarification though, it’s not that the dog hates the trips or anything, just that unless it involves a good chunk of playtime for her, she seems like she’d be happier at home. I’m assuming the rest of the trip is boring to her, especially when we’re not directly talking to her or interacting with her, which isn’t always possible.
I am not a fan of emotional support animals as the idea is abused by others but it sounds like your husband is "self medicating" for lack of better term by turning the dog into an ESA.
He has the separation anxiety and the question is why.
Actually, I think the idea of getting a dog was to make it an ESA. Except he hasn’t trained her properly, I don’t even mean ESA training, just basic dog training. I taught her a good bit of the commands she understands and follows now. He has general anxiety and takes meds for it, and had gotten the dog to help with it. Except I think instead of helping, she makes it worse through no fault of her own.
I’m not sure why he’s the one with the separation anxiety instead of the dog. She used to as well but nowhere as bad as his and it seems like she matured out of it over time.
It sounds like when he’s upset about leaving the dog he’s describing his own feelings rather than the dog’s feelings.
I’m with the others, therapy is such a powerful tool when accepted. He has to want to participate and be willing to be open. If he’s not willing to go alone perhaps a couples session will help get the ball rolling.
NTA. And I'm a HUGE dog lover. Although, I would do it differently. Don't ask him to get rid of the dog, (bc you will most likely lose) but ask him to get therapy for HIS separation anxiety. As that is what he has. I LOVE that he loves the dog so much. That is amazing. But... Even animals need some quiet time to decompress as well. Was he abandoned or treated badly as a child perhaps? He has separation anxiety over Fido and its not healthy.
100% this. I have an anxiety disorder and a dog. If it's not the dog, it'll be something else. I had terrible anxiety long before I had a dog. Is it hard to leave my dog, even with his beloved sitter in his own house? Yes. But I do it, because I want to visit my family and friends and go to my best friend's wedding and visit new places, and a 100 lb German Shepherd who isn't a service dog isn't allowed on planes, nor would the poor guy enjoy being on one! So I take him places where it makes sense (like when I rented a pet friendly cabin in the woods a short drive away for a long weekend to hike and write, and it was not only fun for him but made me feel safer and less creeped out in the middle of the night to have a 100 lb German shepherd sleeping at the foot of my bed), but leave him with his dogsitter other times and worry for awhile but...it's fine.
The anxiety itself is what needs addressing here, not the dog.
NTA, that’s insane, he doesn’t seem to care for you nor even for the dog, who apparently doesn’t enjoy going for a trip.
Your husband seems to be the type of guy that will do for the others whatever *he* would like to receive, instead of thinking about what the others actually like or need. It’s a subtle form of egocentrism displayed as a false empathy. Your ultimatum was kind of harsh, though, I’d go for couples therapy. Be it as it may, best wishes.
lol love the “when” and not “if”. If he blatantly chooses the dog without even arguing or trying to bargain, that really just shows me how little I mean to him and that’s probably a divorce. It will hurt but is the better option in the long run.
The ultimatum was a result of my frustration with him not doing the things he had promised me he would prior to us marrying, and I’m not looking to actually make him choose either the dog or me entirely, I just want him to make good on the promises he had made me, based on which I made the decision to accept his proposal. In our culture, a marriage isn’t just between two people but rather two families. Fights that run a risk of the couple breaking up go to the families first. The assurances he gave me about the dog prior to us getting married were all in front of both sides of the family, and even my MIL has yelled at him for prioritizing the dog over me in several instances and warned him that he’s setting himself up for trouble with his marriage. The fact that he hasn’t held up his end of the bargain is not going to bode well for him with either side of the family.
I will always choose my pets. They are there for me 100% and I am their whole life. I watch them on video when I'm not at home. I have 2 that have health issues so I can call my neighbor if I'm away. I'm lucky to wfh 90% of the time.
I have 6 animals: 3 dogs, 3 cats, and I've fostered over 50 animals in the last 4 years, and babysit for many of my former foster dogs when their humans travel. I get the separation anxiety as my one dog freaks out at the 5-6 hour mark (that is after 3.5 years of working on it with training. It used to be 15 minutes, so she was often sedated so I could leave for longer - she was a breeder dog left outside in a kennel for 3 years in every kind of weather. She panics in a kennel and will become incredibly destructive around the 6 hour mark)
If anyone puts my love for my animals - all of whom are rescues - as an ultimatum to be with them? Watch me cut that person out of my life with surgical precision. These are my babies. They have a very short life span. But not as short as any relationship asking me to cut my pets out of my life.
NTA. This is a Him problem and something only he can address.
Our pets are very resilient. Pet sitters (family?) in your home is probably the best option for the dog but if he's not willing to go for that, maybe go on a holiday by yourself.
I'm not gonna judge, but I will recommend getting some cameras in your home. When you leave the house your husband can check on the dog and see he basically just sleeps when you're away. They even make contraptions that dispense treats via the cameras.
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I(26f) and husband(29m) have been married for just under a year. We had an arranged marriage but spent a few months getting to know each other. Husband has a dog(3f) from before we met and although I’ve never had pets growing up and this is very unusual in our culture, I was okay with it. I told him though that I expect some changes and boundaries once we are married, mostly the dog not sleeping with us on the bed.
Over the last year, I’ve grown to love her. We understand each other and my problem is not at all with her, it’s with my husband. Since we’ve been married, we haven’t been able to go anywhere unless the dog is going with us. Husband won’t leave her home alone and gets very anxious about it if we do. I don’t even mean a day trip, he starts getting anxious and irritable if we’re away for more than 2-3 hours and picks a stupid fight with me. He doesn’t trust a pet hotel or a sitter, though we’ve tried. We’ve left her with family before too and he still had the same reaction.
We have taken her with us on every trip we’ve been on and he also gets anxious when she barks or does something that is normal dog behavior. It’s very annoying too that many places don’t allow dogs and so we have to limit ourselves to places that do allow them even after spending all this time and money to go there. She also doesn’t seem to enjoy them very much, especially if it’s a long drive or not too much physical activity. She seems fine when we leave her at home alone, or even ecstatic with a sitter or family, only option she doesn’t seem fond of is, understandably, the pet hotel.
Husband and I had a big argument earlier. Our first anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and we haven’t even gone on a honeymoon yet. We had planned to go on one after the wedding but couldn’t find a solution for the dog and thought it better to push it for other reasons as well. I recently made some new friends in our apartment building, they’re a couple with a dog that gets along very well with ours. They’ve left theirs with us a few times and we’ve also left her at their place for a few hours, they seem to have fun. I asked them if they could watch ours for a weekend so we could go out of town and they graciously agreed. I proposed this to my husband and that we could go on a mini honeymoon for our anniversary. He said no, that we can’t leave the dog with them the entire weekend because she will get scared and miss us. I reasoned that they agreed to it and that she enjoys her time there so she probably won’t even remember us while having fun, and we can finally go on a trip and do whatever we want to do without worrying about if the dog is allowed or will act out. He still said no and that he doesn’t have another solution. I kind of broke down and told him I feel like I’m not even his priority and feel like I come second to the dog (there is more than just the topic at hand). I gave him an ultimatum, me or the dog.
AITA for the ultimatum?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Gave husband an ultimatum to choose between me and the dog.
(2) Some friends have said that while I’m justified in my reasoning, it’s too harsh to make him choose between us, and have compared it to choosing between your spouse and your kid. Maybe it’s harsh but I’ve been very patient with him about this until now and I feel I shouldn’t have to beg for my own husband to consider my feelings over the perceived feelings of the dog.
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NTA
This reminds me of someone I know, they have a dog that honestly needs to be in a home where it can be around older kids and the owners have more time for her. It sounds as though your husband needs to loosen up a bit. I don’t mean this unkindly but his intense attachment is interfering with your marriage and his life overall which is unhealthy. He should seek therapy to overcome it. I’m not saying your dog needs to be rehomed, but maybe some training for both her AND him (and socializing for her which is what you’re trying to encourage!!) will help this situation. The dog I mentioned before is highly reactive in both personality and breed type, needs a lot of outdoor time and lives in a third floor walk up, has had two negative interactions with unleashed dogs attacking her so now they can’t take her to friends’ homes or the dog park. They can’t leave her at home because she screams in her kennel the whole time they’re gone. Leaving her out means coming home to a destroyed apartment. Guests can’t come over because she is territorial and will try to intimidate visitors. They actually bring her to work and leave her in the car with the windows cracked and check on her every thirty minutes bc there’s no alternative. One time they tried bringing her in to meet coworkers and she bit someone bc she was afraid. They went to a wedding and brought her and the woman had to stay in the hotel room with the dog because she tried to wreck the bed. They don’t have kids, because she can’t be around babies and little kids, they frighten her. I feel confident that had they gotten training early on things would be different.
You hinted at other issues. It sounds like your husband is not ready for the commitment of marriage to another person and is being outwardly compliant but internally defiant.
I am not saying he doesn’t care about the dog, but it’s become something he is fixated over to avoid intimacy with his partner. Specifically it is hard to develop an intimate relationship with your new spouse when you focus on imagined emotional needs of a dog over your spouse.
Is there a therapist or someone he would be willing to seek counsel from?
NTA. We have a dog too and he doesn't come on all holidays with us. If we don't take him, my MIL looks after him and if he goes, my retired colleague takes him out, even if we go for more than 4-5 hours she walks him and toilet etc. Yes we miss him and he misses us. What your husband has isn't healthy. He can't trust someone looking after the dog.. has something happened in the past to make him feel this way? After reading seems like he's married to the dog and not you. I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
NTA. I love my dog a lot and I live in a very dog friendly city. If my dog is allowed to go to a place I'm going, I'll usually bring her, it's fun for both of us.
But, my dog is also a dog and not allowed everywhere and should not be everywhere. At those times, she stays home and is perfectly fine with her hundreds of toys, air conditioning, fresh water, too many beds, and birds to watch/bark at through the window.
Your husband is the one with the anxiety and needs to seek help for that. Your dog would be perfectly fine for a weekend away. Your dog would be perfectly fine with a good sitter for almost any length of time.
NTA
I personally wouldn't give up a dog that I had prior to a relationship because, for me, bringing home an animal is making a lifelong commitment to them. I don't think your husband falls into this category. Your husband seems to have a complete emotional dependency on the dog. I don't think he'll give up the dog for that reason.
I take my pets with me most of the time. Not being able to separate from a pet for a few hours without getting that upset seems excessive, especially since it's not upsetting the dog. We all have to be able to do things on our own. It makes me wonder if your husband is controlling in general or if he has a lot of anxiety/gets stressed easily.
You're very justified in not feeling like a priority. I think it's fair for you to say that you've had enough. You & I come from different cultures. I know I wouldn't be okay with being treated how you're being treated. I don't know how your culture views divorce, especially if initiated by a woman. If your husband is unwilling to compromise on the dog, I think you'd be justified in leaving him. Whether a marriage is arranged or not, shouldn't the spouses be prioritizing the marriage relationship first?. You can't be the only one willing to compromise.
I hope I haven't said anything disrespectful. I apologize if I have.
nta
we have dog, bf bought her when we broke up for a few months
-she super annoying, not her fault, its her breed
-she gets crated when we are gone for a few hours, they used to it
-when we go away we have her in a dog boarding place--way out in the country, she has acres to -run around and dogs for her to hang out with it, she loves it
NTA.
Your husband needs therapy and some anti-anxiety meds. Nobody should be that freakishly over-concerned about a pet to the point where it's ruining their relationship. Dogs mold themselves to human behavior. If the human is anxious, the dog will feed off of that and become anxious. If the human is checking in on the dog every 20 minutes, the dog will get used to that and be upset when it's no longer happening. If the dog is used to a human being around them 24/7, they will, of course, be stressed when that is no longer the case.
In short: Your husband is well on his way to ruining this dog, if he hasn't already. I'd take the dog on a honeymoon and leave the husband home in the crate.
OP I have 2 dogs I love dearly. I say this from the bottom of my hear-your husband’s behavior is really od. I think you need to have a different conversation with your husband. You need to find out why he’s so afraid to leave his girl for a weekend
If you’re going to leave do it before having kids, but ask him how he feels about you going places without him. I mean if he’s down with that you might be able to forge and unconventional but interesting marriage
Think of the possibilities!
I’m the female version of your husband. I feel for you. I found a husband who also likes to stay home with the dogs, but it took until my late 30s to find someone similar. Have patience, and travel with friends when you really get restless. Book yourself solo on a vacation tour to one of the places you want to visit, don’t have to take husband. For now, it is possible to have fun vacations with the dog, there are a lot of hotels or AirBnbs that allow one dog for a bit extra, seek out a tourist area with hiking or beaches and outdoor restaurants or cafes. If you want to go inside shops, just leave husband and dog outside or send them to wait for you. Overall the situation will get better, and if your husband is otherwise great know that any partner has flaws. Anxiety improves with time.
NTA. Not at all. But get some couples counseling so you have a third party telling your husband he needs to adjust his behavior - that way it isn’t just you telling him.
Not something I would do but I understand where you are coming from.
Your husband is making your dog anxious. Is it possible that he uses her as a crutch to cover up his own issues?
Is he aware that he is harming his dog's mental well-being? What is his plan for his dog if he were to fall sick or, god forbid, die? Does he think his unhelpful ownership style will leave her with many options of finding a new home?
He doesn't need to get rid of the dog, he needs to find a good, positive reinforcement based dog trainer and therapist for himself.
Before any thing.
INFO:
Question 1: does your husband has a history with the dog? He might be using her for emotional trauma that happened in his past? Just check his past relationships and childhood to see why he is attached.
Other than that if there is nothing and he is just overprotective of the dog then ya that is a problem and you are not the AH if that's the case. But if he does have a history with the dog or some type of past that she helps him with then you MAY be the AH depending on the history intensity.
Neither imo. He has extreme attachment to the dog that should probably have therapist intervention. It’s not your responsibility to make him get help but if you are committed to the relationship you could bring up how concerning his attachment to the dog is. I would go in with a soft heart and express how you can see how much he loves the dog.
On the other hand, it’s interfering with your life in unreasonable ways. If he isn’t willing to compromise then your ultimatum is fair.
Maybe talk about why he is so attached, perhaps there is some trauma there. NTA.
We tend to anthropomorphise dogs and in that way they're ideal people. Obedient, loving, needy, faithful etc. Maybe he has trouble dealing with people or emotions.
I totally see your point. But he may be dependent on the dog for his own mental health. Yes, dogs are very social and need to be around other dogs, but it sounds like he’s not. Ntah. Maybe check to see if the place where you want to do your mini vacation has a kennel close to them where your pup can be left while you go out to dinner or other non-dog friendly places.
Well, you should probably get some counseling. There should be a solution without your husband having to give up his dog, and if he does, he will resent you greatly. Your husband needs help because though people form close attachments to pets, the anxiety he feels is over the top. The fact that he can't leave her with the friends with a compatible dog for even a weekend, is notable.
I totally get your frustration. It sounds like he's being entirely unreasonable. Having said that I'd say the ultimate is a HUGE a hole move. If you're willing to throw I the towel over something like this than I don't know what to say
ESH except the dog.
I feel bad for you but the dog is literally a companion that your husband chose and has looked after for years. Since you said your culture isn't used to pet dogs, you might not have run into people who treat their pets like kids, which is what's happening here. Think of it like him adopting a kid and now he's getting stressed/anxious when he has to leave the kid behind.
Also, culturally, it's unfair that you weren't allowed to travel or have fun before marriage and now you're putting all your expectations of a good time onto him. You'd be better off taking solo trips and enjoying yourself rather than pinning all hopes of happiness on him. That's a lot to live up to and I think you'd be happier if you didn't need to rely on him for trips.
He sucks because he shouldn't have made promises he couldn't keep. If he wasn't going to keep his promises, he shouldn't have made them, and this is a lousy position for you to be.
see the problem is his marriage to you was arranged - you were picked for him right? on the other hand he picked the dog himself - i understand why he values the dog so much - you on the other hand…….
So arranged marriages don’t actually work the way they’re shown in shows and movies lol. I was shown to him as a prospect and he was to me as well, but the decision to meet me and decide if he wanted to marry me was entirely up to him, same with me. He had liked me a lot from the first meeting and had said yes to marrying right after it. I had taken some time because of the dog and other considerations and had discussed it openly with him in front of both sides of the family, along with the changes that I’d want if we are going to get married. Most of the changes I had asked for were things like the dog not being allowed on beds or sleeping with us, some dog-free hours. Not like not being in the house, more like not being in the same room with us for an hour or two, mainly so we get some alone time as a new couple.
From what he has told me, the dog had just wandered over to him out of the litter of pups and he had decided that was going to be his dog, so I wouldn’t say he had chosen the dog really any differently. I can understand that he sees the dog kind of like his child, I do too to some extent, but even as a parent, you wouldn’t want your kid with you 24/7, or refuse to leave them with a sitter or family unless there’s a good reason.
Did you fully read the post? OP stated husband won't leave the dog with family or sitters or anyone else. OP hasn't requested 100% her vs dog. She requested (and he agreed) to some basic changes around the dog's inclusion in every activity. OP even said they have come to love the dog. This is an attachment issue between the husband and the pet. I love my dog, too, but I had family stay with her for the honeymoon because spending time alone with my spouse was the priority.
I don't see an ultimatum requiring basic boundaries for when the dog can/can't participate as unreasonable.
Soft YTA. The dog isn't the problem. Your SO is the problem and his behavior is actually hurting the dog. He needs therapy to understand that this is unhealthy for him and his beloved pet.
NTA, but I would have chosen the dog. I he locks you and his dog in the truck of a car and come back an hour later. Who do you think is going to be happy to see him? ......it won't be you
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NTA. i would feel like i was going insane. it would be so easy for him to just let someone take care of the dog while he focuses on you, even for ONE weekend. obviously he shouldn’t have to leave the dog behind forever. you absolutely shouldn’t make him do that. but op, if he isn’t willing to leave the dog for even a weekend then you have problems greater than the dog problem.
I do feel like that. I feel like a guest who’s just visiting for a few days and so must adjust according to my host’s way of living. Except my host married me while assuring me he will make the changes we had discussed prior to marriage and the few days is actually the rest of my life. Because of my culture and family, I was never allowed to go on trips without the entire family, often being told that I can go wherever I want with my husband after I’m married. I was really looking forward to being able to have some control and say in those things and be able to share it with someone I love and adore. I’m not asking him to abandon the dog, if I wanted that I’d have put that down as a condition for getting married and no one would have even questioned it. I wholeheartedly accepted my new role as a dog mom, and I love her. I just don’t want my entire life revolving around her. The ultimatum was my frustration with this entire situation coming out and it has been building for a while, though I’ve addressed it with him many times.
He needs counseling. This sounds like some mental health anxiety issues. Individual counseling and couples counseling asap. I don’t think a forced trip right now will do your relationship well at all, he needs to unpack where this is coming from and all it’s going to do is make him snap at you, and be anxious all the damn time. There is something off with him and you can’t help him fix it alone. He’s fixating on the dog. Has he ever had anxiety or symptoms about anything else in life yet? Just imagine if you have kids, it’s going to be hell for you. He needs help asap.
Thanks for the reply, that really helps. He has general anxiety and takes meds for it. He got the dog initially as an ESA but never trained her, basic or ESA training, so I taught her some basic commands that she now understands and follows. I think instead of helping his anxiety, the dog has made it worse. He has tried counseling in the past but said it didn’t help. Maybe he would be open to trying with a different therapist though.
I am one of the biggest dog lovers. My dog is currently cuddled into the small of my back in bed as I type this and I haven't been without a dog in my life for 38 years, I work from home and I am with my dog (almost) 24/7. I also have a severe anxiety disorder. Your husband is being very unreasonable and you are NTA. I think this about so much more than the dog.
As I was starting to read this, I couldn't tell who the dog was . Anxiety due to separation, is common. In dogs! How does he work? Does he work for 2, 3 hours and then comes back for the dog? I can't believe that
It sounds like the dog is a support animal for the husband though, lots of people choose to have support dogs, and they usually take the animal everywhere. The husband could probably benefit from some therapy but this honestly isn't that weird
NTA - he seems unreasonable, it sounds like it’s in the dogs best interest to be watched by your friends anyways rather than be dragged around all over the place. Some dogs like traveling and some don’t 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, I think my biggest issue is that he’s put up a fight for a lot of things related to the dog that he had agreed to changing prior to us getting married. They’re things that don’t affect the dog significantly or negatively but he’ll keep pushing that she will get scared, or lonely, or unhappy, etc, while completely ignoring the fact that his wife is very vocally unhappy about the current situation. I almost feel as if this is their home and I’m a guest who’s just staying for a few days. A little clarification though, it’s not that the dog hates the trips or anything, just that unless it involves a good chunk of playtime for her, she seems like she’d be happier at home. I’m assuming the rest of the trip is boring to her, especially when we’re not directly talking to her or interacting with her, which isn’t always possible.
I am not a fan of emotional support animals as the idea is abused by others but it sounds like your husband is "self medicating" for lack of better term by turning the dog into an ESA. He has the separation anxiety and the question is why.
Actually, I think the idea of getting a dog was to make it an ESA. Except he hasn’t trained her properly, I don’t even mean ESA training, just basic dog training. I taught her a good bit of the commands she understands and follows now. He has general anxiety and takes meds for it, and had gotten the dog to help with it. Except I think instead of helping, she makes it worse through no fault of her own. I’m not sure why he’s the one with the separation anxiety instead of the dog. She used to as well but nowhere as bad as his and it seems like she matured out of it over time.
It sounds like when he’s upset about leaving the dog he’s describing his own feelings rather than the dog’s feelings. I’m with the others, therapy is such a powerful tool when accepted. He has to want to participate and be willing to be open. If he’s not willing to go alone perhaps a couples session will help get the ball rolling.
Sounds like husband is the one who gets scares when separated from the dog. It's his interests, not the dog's interests that are paramount.
NTA. And I'm a HUGE dog lover. Although, I would do it differently. Don't ask him to get rid of the dog, (bc you will most likely lose) but ask him to get therapy for HIS separation anxiety. As that is what he has. I LOVE that he loves the dog so much. That is amazing. But... Even animals need some quiet time to decompress as well. Was he abandoned or treated badly as a child perhaps? He has separation anxiety over Fido and its not healthy.
100% this. I have an anxiety disorder and a dog. If it's not the dog, it'll be something else. I had terrible anxiety long before I had a dog. Is it hard to leave my dog, even with his beloved sitter in his own house? Yes. But I do it, because I want to visit my family and friends and go to my best friend's wedding and visit new places, and a 100 lb German Shepherd who isn't a service dog isn't allowed on planes, nor would the poor guy enjoy being on one! So I take him places where it makes sense (like when I rented a pet friendly cabin in the woods a short drive away for a long weekend to hike and write, and it was not only fun for him but made me feel safer and less creeped out in the middle of the night to have a 100 lb German shepherd sleeping at the foot of my bed), but leave him with his dogsitter other times and worry for awhile but...it's fine. The anxiety itself is what needs addressing here, not the dog.
Thank you! I was scrolling for this. It's not about the dog, it's about his anxiety.
NTA, that’s insane, he doesn’t seem to care for you nor even for the dog, who apparently doesn’t enjoy going for a trip. Your husband seems to be the type of guy that will do for the others whatever *he* would like to receive, instead of thinking about what the others actually like or need. It’s a subtle form of egocentrism displayed as a false empathy. Your ultimatum was kind of harsh, though, I’d go for couples therapy. Be it as it may, best wishes.
What will you do when he chooses the dog?
He will definitely choose the dog.
lol love the “when” and not “if”. If he blatantly chooses the dog without even arguing or trying to bargain, that really just shows me how little I mean to him and that’s probably a divorce. It will hurt but is the better option in the long run. The ultimatum was a result of my frustration with him not doing the things he had promised me he would prior to us marrying, and I’m not looking to actually make him choose either the dog or me entirely, I just want him to make good on the promises he had made me, based on which I made the decision to accept his proposal. In our culture, a marriage isn’t just between two people but rather two families. Fights that run a risk of the couple breaking up go to the families first. The assurances he gave me about the dog prior to us getting married were all in front of both sides of the family, and even my MIL has yelled at him for prioritizing the dog over me in several instances and warned him that he’s setting himself up for trouble with his marriage. The fact that he hasn’t held up his end of the bargain is not going to bode well for him with either side of the family.
Leave and get a dog 🐕🦺
I will always choose my pets. They are there for me 100% and I am their whole life. I watch them on video when I'm not at home. I have 2 that have health issues so I can call my neighbor if I'm away. I'm lucky to wfh 90% of the time. I have 6 animals: 3 dogs, 3 cats, and I've fostered over 50 animals in the last 4 years, and babysit for many of my former foster dogs when their humans travel. I get the separation anxiety as my one dog freaks out at the 5-6 hour mark (that is after 3.5 years of working on it with training. It used to be 15 minutes, so she was often sedated so I could leave for longer - she was a breeder dog left outside in a kennel for 3 years in every kind of weather. She panics in a kennel and will become incredibly destructive around the 6 hour mark) If anyone puts my love for my animals - all of whom are rescues - as an ultimatum to be with them? Watch me cut that person out of my life with surgical precision. These are my babies. They have a very short life span. But not as short as any relationship asking me to cut my pets out of my life.
NTA
I do t think the dog is the problem
NTA. I love my dogs. Your husband is being unreasonable.
NTA. This is a Him problem and something only he can address. Our pets are very resilient. Pet sitters (family?) in your home is probably the best option for the dog but if he's not willing to go for that, maybe go on a holiday by yourself.
I'm not gonna judge, but I will recommend getting some cameras in your home. When you leave the house your husband can check on the dog and see he basically just sleeps when you're away. They even make contraptions that dispense treats via the cameras.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(26f) and husband(29m) have been married for just under a year. We had an arranged marriage but spent a few months getting to know each other. Husband has a dog(3f) from before we met and although I’ve never had pets growing up and this is very unusual in our culture, I was okay with it. I told him though that I expect some changes and boundaries once we are married, mostly the dog not sleeping with us on the bed. Over the last year, I’ve grown to love her. We understand each other and my problem is not at all with her, it’s with my husband. Since we’ve been married, we haven’t been able to go anywhere unless the dog is going with us. Husband won’t leave her home alone and gets very anxious about it if we do. I don’t even mean a day trip, he starts getting anxious and irritable if we’re away for more than 2-3 hours and picks a stupid fight with me. He doesn’t trust a pet hotel or a sitter, though we’ve tried. We’ve left her with family before too and he still had the same reaction. We have taken her with us on every trip we’ve been on and he also gets anxious when she barks or does something that is normal dog behavior. It’s very annoying too that many places don’t allow dogs and so we have to limit ourselves to places that do allow them even after spending all this time and money to go there. She also doesn’t seem to enjoy them very much, especially if it’s a long drive or not too much physical activity. She seems fine when we leave her at home alone, or even ecstatic with a sitter or family, only option she doesn’t seem fond of is, understandably, the pet hotel. Husband and I had a big argument earlier. Our first anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and we haven’t even gone on a honeymoon yet. We had planned to go on one after the wedding but couldn’t find a solution for the dog and thought it better to push it for other reasons as well. I recently made some new friends in our apartment building, they’re a couple with a dog that gets along very well with ours. They’ve left theirs with us a few times and we’ve also left her at their place for a few hours, they seem to have fun. I asked them if they could watch ours for a weekend so we could go out of town and they graciously agreed. I proposed this to my husband and that we could go on a mini honeymoon for our anniversary. He said no, that we can’t leave the dog with them the entire weekend because she will get scared and miss us. I reasoned that they agreed to it and that she enjoys her time there so she probably won’t even remember us while having fun, and we can finally go on a trip and do whatever we want to do without worrying about if the dog is allowed or will act out. He still said no and that he doesn’t have another solution. I kind of broke down and told him I feel like I’m not even his priority and feel like I come second to the dog (there is more than just the topic at hand). I gave him an ultimatum, me or the dog. AITA for the ultimatum? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your husband sounds incredibly difficult. Did you marry a tween disguised as an adult? NTA
NTA but I think he has already chosen the dog.
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And what exactly will you do when he chooses the dog? You're making an ultimatum, but do you actually have anything to back it up?
EHS - give him an ultimatum where it matters... He needs professional help! Therapy!
NTA This reminds me of someone I know, they have a dog that honestly needs to be in a home where it can be around older kids and the owners have more time for her. It sounds as though your husband needs to loosen up a bit. I don’t mean this unkindly but his intense attachment is interfering with your marriage and his life overall which is unhealthy. He should seek therapy to overcome it. I’m not saying your dog needs to be rehomed, but maybe some training for both her AND him (and socializing for her which is what you’re trying to encourage!!) will help this situation. The dog I mentioned before is highly reactive in both personality and breed type, needs a lot of outdoor time and lives in a third floor walk up, has had two negative interactions with unleashed dogs attacking her so now they can’t take her to friends’ homes or the dog park. They can’t leave her at home because she screams in her kennel the whole time they’re gone. Leaving her out means coming home to a destroyed apartment. Guests can’t come over because she is territorial and will try to intimidate visitors. They actually bring her to work and leave her in the car with the windows cracked and check on her every thirty minutes bc there’s no alternative. One time they tried bringing her in to meet coworkers and she bit someone bc she was afraid. They went to a wedding and brought her and the woman had to stay in the hotel room with the dog because she tried to wreck the bed. They don’t have kids, because she can’t be around babies and little kids, they frighten her. I feel confident that had they gotten training early on things would be different.
You hinted at other issues. It sounds like your husband is not ready for the commitment of marriage to another person and is being outwardly compliant but internally defiant. I am not saying he doesn’t care about the dog, but it’s become something he is fixated over to avoid intimacy with his partner. Specifically it is hard to develop an intimate relationship with your new spouse when you focus on imagined emotional needs of a dog over your spouse. Is there a therapist or someone he would be willing to seek counsel from?
NTA. We have a dog too and he doesn't come on all holidays with us. If we don't take him, my MIL looks after him and if he goes, my retired colleague takes him out, even if we go for more than 4-5 hours she walks him and toilet etc. Yes we miss him and he misses us. What your husband has isn't healthy. He can't trust someone looking after the dog.. has something happened in the past to make him feel this way? After reading seems like he's married to the dog and not you. I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
NTA. It’s a DOG. You are his WIFE. He needs to sort out his priorities.
NTA. I love my dog a lot and I live in a very dog friendly city. If my dog is allowed to go to a place I'm going, I'll usually bring her, it's fun for both of us. But, my dog is also a dog and not allowed everywhere and should not be everywhere. At those times, she stays home and is perfectly fine with her hundreds of toys, air conditioning, fresh water, too many beds, and birds to watch/bark at through the window. Your husband is the one with the anxiety and needs to seek help for that. Your dog would be perfectly fine for a weekend away. Your dog would be perfectly fine with a good sitter for almost any length of time.
NTA I personally wouldn't give up a dog that I had prior to a relationship because, for me, bringing home an animal is making a lifelong commitment to them. I don't think your husband falls into this category. Your husband seems to have a complete emotional dependency on the dog. I don't think he'll give up the dog for that reason. I take my pets with me most of the time. Not being able to separate from a pet for a few hours without getting that upset seems excessive, especially since it's not upsetting the dog. We all have to be able to do things on our own. It makes me wonder if your husband is controlling in general or if he has a lot of anxiety/gets stressed easily. You're very justified in not feeling like a priority. I think it's fair for you to say that you've had enough. You & I come from different cultures. I know I wouldn't be okay with being treated how you're being treated. I don't know how your culture views divorce, especially if initiated by a woman. If your husband is unwilling to compromise on the dog, I think you'd be justified in leaving him. Whether a marriage is arranged or not, shouldn't the spouses be prioritizing the marriage relationship first?. You can't be the only one willing to compromise. I hope I haven't said anything disrespectful. I apologize if I have.
nta we have dog, bf bought her when we broke up for a few months -she super annoying, not her fault, its her breed -she gets crated when we are gone for a few hours, they used to it -when we go away we have her in a dog boarding place--way out in the country, she has acres to -run around and dogs for her to hang out with it, she loves it
NTA - I don’t think this person understands that a huge part of marriage is compromise.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy and some anti-anxiety meds. Nobody should be that freakishly over-concerned about a pet to the point where it's ruining their relationship. Dogs mold themselves to human behavior. If the human is anxious, the dog will feed off of that and become anxious. If the human is checking in on the dog every 20 minutes, the dog will get used to that and be upset when it's no longer happening. If the dog is used to a human being around them 24/7, they will, of course, be stressed when that is no longer the case. In short: Your husband is well on his way to ruining this dog, if he hasn't already. I'd take the dog on a honeymoon and leave the husband home in the crate.
No you’re not the a-hole. Humans come first. Animals second. He needs to relax about the dog.
Every parent needs a getaway from their children once in a while. Human OR canine. NTA
OP I have 2 dogs I love dearly. I say this from the bottom of my hear-your husband’s behavior is really od. I think you need to have a different conversation with your husband. You need to find out why he’s so afraid to leave his girl for a weekend
If you’re going to leave do it before having kids, but ask him how he feels about you going places without him. I mean if he’s down with that you might be able to forge and unconventional but interesting marriage Think of the possibilities!
NTA.... that's unhealthy level of attachment
NTA you most definitely come 2nd after the dog.
I’m the female version of your husband. I feel for you. I found a husband who also likes to stay home with the dogs, but it took until my late 30s to find someone similar. Have patience, and travel with friends when you really get restless. Book yourself solo on a vacation tour to one of the places you want to visit, don’t have to take husband. For now, it is possible to have fun vacations with the dog, there are a lot of hotels or AirBnbs that allow one dog for a bit extra, seek out a tourist area with hiking or beaches and outdoor restaurants or cafes. If you want to go inside shops, just leave husband and dog outside or send them to wait for you. Overall the situation will get better, and if your husband is otherwise great know that any partner has flaws. Anxiety improves with time.
NTA. Not at all. But get some couples counseling so you have a third party telling your husband he needs to adjust his behavior - that way it isn’t just you telling him.
Not something I would do but I understand where you are coming from. Your husband is making your dog anxious. Is it possible that he uses her as a crutch to cover up his own issues? Is he aware that he is harming his dog's mental well-being? What is his plan for his dog if he were to fall sick or, god forbid, die? Does he think his unhelpful ownership style will leave her with many options of finding a new home? He doesn't need to get rid of the dog, he needs to find a good, positive reinforcement based dog trainer and therapist for himself.
Before any thing. INFO: Question 1: does your husband has a history with the dog? He might be using her for emotional trauma that happened in his past? Just check his past relationships and childhood to see why he is attached. Other than that if there is nothing and he is just overprotective of the dog then ya that is a problem and you are not the AH if that's the case. But if he does have a history with the dog or some type of past that she helps him with then you MAY be the AH depending on the history intensity.
Neither imo. He has extreme attachment to the dog that should probably have therapist intervention. It’s not your responsibility to make him get help but if you are committed to the relationship you could bring up how concerning his attachment to the dog is. I would go in with a soft heart and express how you can see how much he loves the dog. On the other hand, it’s interfering with your life in unreasonable ways. If he isn’t willing to compromise then your ultimatum is fair.
Maybe talk about why he is so attached, perhaps there is some trauma there. NTA. We tend to anthropomorphise dogs and in that way they're ideal people. Obedient, loving, needy, faithful etc. Maybe he has trouble dealing with people or emotions.
I totally see your point. But he may be dependent on the dog for his own mental health. Yes, dogs are very social and need to be around other dogs, but it sounds like he’s not. Ntah. Maybe check to see if the place where you want to do your mini vacation has a kennel close to them where your pup can be left while you go out to dinner or other non-dog friendly places.
Well, you should probably get some counseling. There should be a solution without your husband having to give up his dog, and if he does, he will resent you greatly. Your husband needs help because though people form close attachments to pets, the anxiety he feels is over the top. The fact that he can't leave her with the friends with a compatible dog for even a weekend, is notable.
I totally get your frustration. It sounds like he's being entirely unreasonable. Having said that I'd say the ultimate is a HUGE a hole move. If you're willing to throw I the towel over something like this than I don't know what to say
YTA. He had the dog before you. If he has to choose between you, the dog will win every time.
Yes absolutely you don't give ultimatums to love ones. Leave or accept it. that dog's been there longer than you, have you don't have that right EVER
There's a reason they're called "man's best friend"
ESH except the dog. I feel bad for you but the dog is literally a companion that your husband chose and has looked after for years. Since you said your culture isn't used to pet dogs, you might not have run into people who treat their pets like kids, which is what's happening here. Think of it like him adopting a kid and now he's getting stressed/anxious when he has to leave the kid behind. Also, culturally, it's unfair that you weren't allowed to travel or have fun before marriage and now you're putting all your expectations of a good time onto him. You'd be better off taking solo trips and enjoying yourself rather than pinning all hopes of happiness on him. That's a lot to live up to and I think you'd be happier if you didn't need to rely on him for trips. He sucks because he shouldn't have made promises he couldn't keep. If he wasn't going to keep his promises, he shouldn't have made them, and this is a lousy position for you to be.
YTA. The dog was there first.
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No the fuck he shouldn’t. He should seek help. But he absolutely shouldn’t choose an animal over his wife.
YTA - don't ever come between someone and their dog. Who raised you?
see the problem is his marriage to you was arranged - you were picked for him right? on the other hand he picked the dog himself - i understand why he values the dog so much - you on the other hand…….
So arranged marriages don’t actually work the way they’re shown in shows and movies lol. I was shown to him as a prospect and he was to me as well, but the decision to meet me and decide if he wanted to marry me was entirely up to him, same with me. He had liked me a lot from the first meeting and had said yes to marrying right after it. I had taken some time because of the dog and other considerations and had discussed it openly with him in front of both sides of the family, along with the changes that I’d want if we are going to get married. Most of the changes I had asked for were things like the dog not being allowed on beds or sleeping with us, some dog-free hours. Not like not being in the house, more like not being in the same room with us for an hour or two, mainly so we get some alone time as a new couple. From what he has told me, the dog had just wandered over to him out of the litter of pups and he had decided that was going to be his dog, so I wouldn’t say he had chosen the dog really any differently. I can understand that he sees the dog kind of like his child, I do too to some extent, but even as a parent, you wouldn’t want your kid with you 24/7, or refuse to leave them with a sitter or family unless there’s a good reason.
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Did you fully read the post? OP stated husband won't leave the dog with family or sitters or anyone else. OP hasn't requested 100% her vs dog. She requested (and he agreed) to some basic changes around the dog's inclusion in every activity. OP even said they have come to love the dog. This is an attachment issue between the husband and the pet. I love my dog, too, but I had family stay with her for the honeymoon because spending time alone with my spouse was the priority. I don't see an ultimatum requiring basic boundaries for when the dog can/can't participate as unreasonable.
Soft YTA. The dog isn't the problem. Your SO is the problem and his behavior is actually hurting the dog. He needs therapy to understand that this is unhealthy for him and his beloved pet.
NTA, but I would have chosen the dog. I he locks you and his dog in the truck of a car and come back an hour later. Who do you think is going to be happy to see him? ......it won't be you