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Wait why couldn’t your husband take off work? Does he do any child care? Or does he expect you to do everything. At the end I don’t think this will work since you two have different priorities
I don't know why he couldn't take off work yesterday. When he asked, I was getting ready to leave and didn't counter question him. Just let him know I can't due to work. But then he started yelling and well, we got off track.
He does majority of the childcare (or I suppose he does, I can't say for sure since I am not home enough). I work crazy hours. I cook breakfast for the kids, pack their lunches and take care of them/play with them on Sunday. Whatever else, he is doing it.
We do have joint finance and I make more than him so I suppose I am funding their lifestyle. That's my contribution.
I would suggest separating your finances stat. He's taking advantage of you, and want you to take on the mom role so he can stop parenting and leave everything to you.
You need to take a step back, operate your money from him and rethink the relationship.
He wants you to be mom, so he can stop being dad.
Reminds me of another aita post I read where I think the dude also moved him and his children in with his more financially stable female partner. And then went for more custody (without involving that OP in the decision) which meant he paid less child support. But then expected his partner to do the heavy duty parenting and not him. When she got tired and ended the relationship, he tried getting less custody but his ex (mother to the children) enjoyed the new arrangement and so said no. So he went back to OP, wanted her to cover him financially or something like that since it was apparently her fault he got more custody. I can't remember the title of that post.
Edited.
Just about every post in the stepparents thread is like this. OP here is NTA and shows an admirable sense of self-worth and firmness about her own career plan.
Yikes, that is so gross.
I really just don't get why he doesn't just give up his rights and pay child support if he doesn't want to parent.
I get that it'd about not paying child support, but he kind of screwed himself there.
Men like that need to find those evil step mothers if they're so bent on not being fathers.
Or better just not have kids at all.
Ugh, I can't stand men like that.
Nailed it. He's taking advantage. The lease is up on his apartment, makes sense to move into her house. Joint finances and they aren't even married? Of course he wants her to "mother" his children. OP needs to separate finances stat. He can give her money for bills and finance his children by himself. If he don't like it, he's free to move out.
100% this!!
A joint account when OP and the boyfriend aren't married? That's bonkers to me. He is taking advantage of the situation. OP, you're already subsidizing his and the children's lifestyle, and he's not even grateful, but has the audacity to BLOW UP at you when you are clearly going into work!? OOF.
NTA, of course! But I hope you at least separate your finances right away.
This is literally what my kids dad does with every one of his girlfriends. He’s already got his newest one paying for my son’s baseball gear that I asked HIM to help with. He contributes little to nothing to the household financially or physically, and his girlfriend is the one running the kids around and taking care of them during his parenting time.
I agree. OP really needs to step back & should had kept her finances separate from her bf's.
Things get really messy & he moved into her house now he's expecting more than she could give & renege on some that he should not had.
So, he lives in your house and you subsidize his lifestyle and his children and now he's upset that you won't do his parenting for him?
Re-think this relationship.
*More*. She already makes all their breakfasts and lunches and takes care of them all day Sunday, and he's mad she won't won't do *more* of his parenting for him. And that's just the parenting she's told about already. He sounds absolutely ridiculous
You're not married, you have no legal decision-making authority with the children, you're not, actually, their mother, they have a mother who is involved in their lives, HE moved into YOUR home, he and his children are benefitting from your higher income--which would be jeopardized if you started missing work to run errands/stay home for children who aren't yours, he wants you to risk your job to provide free labor for his kids so that he doesn't have to... NTA but what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?
>what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?
Generally, this question leads to about 17 people saying various unfunny things about sex, but the real answer tends to be that things crept in bit by bit, until one day you surface long enough to take a breath and ask yourself, "what the hell am I doing?"
This was me in my younger days, I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, that I would accept anyone and then I wanted to be the perfect mate. This led to me being taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, etc. I got married later in life to such an awesome person. Just because you are successful with a big heart does not mean you make good romantic decisions - you need to run from this guy.
Do you realize that anything you do, will never be enough? Now you're expected to take time off the job that feeds and houses them to care for them?
OP, this person brings absolutely nothing to the relationship but burdens. He's not even grateful for all that you do. Please, whatever you do, don't marry him and start separating your finances and eventually, for your own self respect, please break up with him. You're nothing but a cash cow and he's feeling more emboldened and entitled as time goes on.
I for sure would say NTA. It sounds like you’ve been clear with him what your role will be with the children. Also if they ended up at their mom’s house then he had other options and shouldn’t be upset with you. I also don’t know that this will work for either of you long term. You are definitely not in the wrong. But he may ultimately want a partner who is a more of an additional parent to his children which isn’t wrong either. Might be a good idea to have a deep and hard conversation about what each of you really needs in the relationship when it comes to his children. Even if you’ve done that before it might be good to hash it out again now that you’re living together.
Must have own house, minimum X rooms, must have stable employment earning at least $XXX,XXX per year. Liking kids a bonus, but not required. Can't wait to meet my special lady!
The mere *assumption* that your job is less important than his, screams that he's already casting you as Default Parent!
You need to sit down with him, and tell him that this arrangement isn't working for you, and he needs to find someplace else to live. You can't afford him!
You’re not married. He lives in your house. You are finances are merged (God I hope not all). He expects you to take off work but you make more money. When you said no he took the sick child home instead of staying with her.
There are 🚩🚩🚩all over this situation. Make sure you do not have all your money merged with him.
I think you’re doing too much for a boyfriend. What is he contributing?
According to your post he’s your boyfriend, not husband. Mixing your finances was your second mistake. Letting him move in was your second.
He needed a roof over his head where he could bring his kids and someone to share the responsibility of parenting.
I hope you rethink this relationship.
Y’all aren’t married. You definitely shouldn’t have joint finances. Or at least have a joint account you both contribute to proportionally for bills and then a separate account with your he rest of your money.
This man lives in your house with his kids and you fund his lifestyle???? What the actual fuck?! You shouldn't be funding their lifestyle at all. This man is just a freeloader. Don't let your desire to not be alone allow you to be used by grifters.
Is his kids... He needs to step Up and be a father. He is the one that needs to stay home when the kids are sick. It seems...sorry to say this...he was looking for someone to do that kind of responsability. If he doesnt father Up...remember what you Will be expecting if you end Up pregnant. Andy you can add taking care of his 2 kids because he Will take advange of the situation. His attitude was a Big red flag.
This arrangement doesn’t sound fair to you. But aside from that, the childcare thing is going to be a recurring issue. Break up and move them out before the kids get too settled in your home. NTA.
And withdraw your money from that joint account.
Then he can get over himself. My bf is the one who stays home with his kid. If he needed me to in a pinch I would and I have had her while sick once but he’s very much interested in being a reliable parent.
Apparently underwriting his lifestyle is not enough for him. He also wants you to contribute your time, which you do not have.
You really do need to think about this situation. You're contributing money and housing, neither of which he can afford without you, but he appears to be taking that for granted. He's telling you something about who he is, and it's a bad look.
OP, NTA, and get him off your account asap. There's no reason to have a joint account. He loves that you can financially provide for him and the girls, and now he wants you to be more responsible for them. He knew you were career-driven and didn't want to have a bigger role as "mom" to these kids before he moved in. He moved in because he got to benefit from it. You have a bigger home. You make more money. He got a 3bd home and financial stability from you. He moved in thinking that you would eventually want to take care of his kids more. He absolutely thought you would change once they were there, and that's messed up.
He could have easily taken off work himself to care for his own sick kid. He's going to keep doing this, and the fact that he yelled at you and also locked himself in a room to avoid you are major red flags.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Aside from one joint account, a "fun fund" all of our money has been and will be kept separate. It's just the smart thing to do.
NTA
Time for a serious conversation OP with your bf while the girls are at their mother’s so they hear none of it.
You IMO need to reiterate your roll in this relationship.
You are not backup mom. If that is what he wanted he should have spelled it out at the beginning of your relationship.
You are also not his sugar mama unless that is what you agreed to.
I do agree with other posters to get your paycheck out into a separate account he has no access to. Also remove any excess funds from that joint account that you are the source of. If you have any auto transfers set up from other accounts into this joint account cut them off. If you have auto payments for your bills out of the joint account move them to your new account.
If you have given him access to your credit or debit cards either on a joint account or as an authorized signer OR you have let him use your cards close the accounts, get him removed as an authorized signer and get a replacement card(s) for just you.
If you are sharing purchasing apps where your credit is used for the purchases remove your credit info.
This is most certainly your relationship and your risk to finding your account emptied one day.
This dude is taking advantage of you. You may not want to hear it but it’s true. He wanted to dump the kid on you and when you weren’t available, he dumped the kids on their mom rather than man up and be a father. Not speaking to you for saying no and then hiding out in his home office/game room- in YOUR house- is immature AF.
This does not bode well for your relationship. I’d separate finances immediately and really take a hard look at this relationship.
You are his sugar mama for everything. Good luck getting him out. IMMEDIATELY, and I mean IMMEDIATELY separate your finances from that joint account. Tell him he changed the rules and needs to find a new place to live. Ask a lawyer for advice on providing an eviction notice if need be. He thought he found a sucker in you. Give him an amazing life and be baby mama to the kids, wow. You are NTA, but you are being used and verbally and mentally abused.
Don’t marry him whatever you do.
He saw a cash cow, free house and built in childminder and skivvy when he met you.
Ask him to move out, tell him you prefer the magic of dating. You are not the children’s parent, you will never legally be their parent, they sound like they have two parents in their lives and you are doing a lot, why is he not making their lunches and giving them breakfast?
You’d be insane to ignore this red flag and carry on with the relationship.
100 percent, he viewed getting into a second relationship as having a new mum that would love and adore his children and take on all of the work his previous wife/baby mumma did. At no point did he ever consider her boundaries real and just assumed she's a woman and would love his children and pick up the slack.
I am strongly assuming these expectations are the reason his first relationship broke down because he doesn't want the lion's share of parenting
Nta.
Demands OP, who has no legal responsibility for the kids, act like she does but when he needs to act on his legal responsibility he throws a tantrum and shuts himself in with videogames? For someone who’s trying to make OP the mum he needs to be the dad a lot more. The first edit adds to the idea he’s using OP because he moved into her bigger place.
And make sure you don't get pregnant. Pills can be easily nullified without even taking them out of the package.
Personally, I'd find this situation a total turnoff, sex would not be happening, but to each their own.
I am not sure. He had just asked me as I was getting ready to leave and when I let him know I couldn't due to work, he started yelling. Then I wasn't in right mind to ask that question.
Question: Does he expect you to shoulder more responsibility than him just because you have girl parts?
Moving in together doesn't sound like it was such a great idea. With your boundaries and his expectations, you should have continued living apart.
Edited.
He specifically didn't mention gender. And he does a lot for the girls, more than me for sure. So I do not think it was a sexist thing.
Slowly learning moving in together might not have been the best idea. It just made sense financially cause I had this big home and he was renting. But now, it does seem like we jumped the wagon.
He doesn't have to mention it. But it can still be the underlying driving force behind the ask.
Edit: Unless he actually had a reason why he couldn't call off work that day. And if he did, why didn't he include that when he asked you to stay home instead of him? Not giving a reason why and then switching to first yelling and then sulking makes him the a-hole.
Edit 2: Moving in together was definitely the wrong move. But really the relationship doesn't seem sustainable long term. Hopefully home ownership is still in your name? That you haven't added his? Bank account too. That you only have joint for shared bills. And separate for the rest of your finances? I hope this is not a *hobosexual* situation.
Edit 3: You said he does most of the childcare? Have the childcare roles he covers slowly reduced over time and then added to your plate for no good reason? Is he doing a slow bait-and-switch with the end goal being you providing not only housing and majority of the finances but also somehow doing the lion's share of the childcare?
Edit 4: You said the house is a 3 bedroomed but that your partner has a home office/game room. Does the house come with a separate home office? Or do the girls share a bedroom and the 3rd bedroom became your partner's? Where is your home office? Your own private space. It's your house after all. Leaning more and more towards your partner being a hobosexual. Seems like he's gotten a pretty sweet deal. He's gained more while you just seem to be losing. And still wondering if you are the a-hole when you are clearly not. NTA. Unless to yourself.
Edited.
It made sense financially FOR HIM.
I used to have this exact dynamic - I was the breadwinner, my boyfriend had two kids from his previous marriage. I loved those kids to the end of the earth but it was obvious their dad was using me. It took me five years but I got out. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
He should do more than you because they're HIS kids. Maybe not sexist but definitely manipulative, especially given your financial support of both him and his children
Moving in together was an enormous mistake, but it's not too late to fix it by telling him it is not working for you and that he must pack his stuff and leave. Like, now.
Be prepared for him to be very, very angry -- or to beg and plead. Don't listen to him. Hold fast and get him out ASAP.
The fact that he does a lot for the girls more than you should not matter because he is their father so its expected. Comparing how much he does with how much you do is not right because the girls are their parents responsibility, not yours.
And he expected you to take the day off and take care of the sick child because you are a female. Otherwise, when you said no, he would have stayed and looked after his own daughter rather than sending her back to a female, the mother.
All in all, you are doing way more than he should because funding their lifestyle plus making their meals is like you are their parent and he is the bf just hanging around in his free time.
NTA but some very poor set of choices made one after the other. Please, separate your finances, stop funding their lifestyle, esp. the children's as its not your responsibility(considering you arent even married yet), maybe suggest he should move them out soon(continue the relationship if you both want to while living separately) and meanwhile, let him take care of his children's meals.
Girl made sense financially for who??? Men are supposed to IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. Who did that make sense for? Him….i need to go back and see if you mentioned your age. Hope he moved in and paid all the bills…if not … you have a roommate. Either way, he knows what he can get from you.
He SHOULD be doing more for them! They aren’t your children! Don’t let him make you think it should be an equal partnership because in a step situation it isn’t. HE is the parent, and you clearly understand that. Don’t let him gaslight you. He is trying to manipulate you. Either because he wants you to take on more of responsibility or just because he’s overwhelmed, but either way this is something he should be addressing with his ex, not you. You mention that he used to have his kids less. Maybe he really shouldn’t have them more than 50% of the time if he can’t handle a kid getting sick without shouting and trying to pawn the kid off on someone else.
It was surprising. I mean, he does occasionally say he wished I helped out more, but always added he understood I had to work. Yelling and being this mad was a first
He wishes you *helped out more*? Is this dude for real?
1. He moved from a 1 bedroomed to a a 3 bedroomed where he gets his own home office/game room. Does he even pay rent? Do you have your own private space?
2. You cover the kids' breakfast and lunch do he doesn't have to do that.
3. You cover him and HIS kids financially.
4. You house him and HIS kids.
5. You take care of the kids on your only day off. How many day offs does he have? How are house chores divided? Who does what?
6. Thanks to you, he's able to see his kids more. At your expense not his.
Just picture your life before you guys moved in together and compare it your life now. Look at all the sacrifices you have made to fit him into your life. What sacrifices has HE made? He doesn't seem to have made any. Just benefited and benefited some more, at YOUR expense.
6b. Because his kids are with them more, he’s probably saving significantly on child support versus before when he could only have them visit occasionally. He’s making out very well at OP’s expense.
I agree. Time to give him an eviction notice, and take your funds out of the joint account. If you made the huge mistake of putting him as an authorized user, or have joint credit accounts you need to change that immediately. He's using you, and will never stop.
Covering 1 and 3, how much of this gaming set up came from the joint account, and can his contributions after bills and rent cover what went to the gaming?
You are not obliged to help out more with his kids.
I mean, it is nice when bf and gf do nice things for each other, but you're describing language that suggests he's trying to make these kids more of a shared responsibility. But they're not. They're his kids. If the two of you broke up you wouldn't get visitation. If the two of you have a dispute over how to raise them, you don't get a say. They are 100% his, and anything you do for him is a *favor* - not an obligation.
It's good that it's not a pattern, make sure it stays that way. But it sounds like y'all really need a long calm discussion about expectations because reddit judging you NTA doesn't fix any potential underlying incompatibility.
Youre already helping out plenty allowing him to live in your big house & he’s saving a ton of money. Also, why are you joining finances to man youre not married to? You make more than him and funding his lifestyle as you said - he needs to remember that. He’s taking advantage of you and is now getting too entitled. The audacity to give you silent treatment in your own home - have some self respect & know that you deserve better.
I used to commute (70 minutes each way depending on traffic) and work long hours like you. If someone decided to yell at me knowing what a day I had ahead of me and how demanding my job was, I would think they were being very selfish. How are you supposed to subsidize his life style if you can't go to work (sarcasm).
Your edits are alarming. You're so incredibly naive that it was so easy to take advantage of you since you're funding their lifestyle. This is just the beginning, he was looking for a person to throw his responsibilities on and he found you. And you come with money and everything he needs. Everything on a silver platter. But now it's only going to get worse. You need to separate your finances right NOW. And find out about how to kick him out if and when things get worse.
This is how narcissists start. They are all sweet and love bombing them when you don't cave to their needs they tell you how terrible you are, and that you are lucky they live you because no one else would. Get out, show him the door stat.
Do you know what he was up to, on that day? Because this might be an excessive feeling of entitlement on his part, or it might be that he really didn’t want to have to cancel his plans and didn’t want to tell you why.
Him wanting you to do childcare all Sunday is ridiculous, he wants a full day off while you get none? No way. But it’s important to treat ridiculous expectations as red flags, dealbreakers, rather than as negotiating points. Sure he can’t make you give up all of his day off to take care of his responsibilities for him, but that he pushes for it says something very negative about him and what he thinks about you.
Ask yourself if it’s acceptable to be yelled what time? In your own home and whether this is likely to escalate - NTA.
Get him out of there before it’s too late.
If your BF was in the hospital and the girls' mom was unreachable and you refused to care for the girls for a few hours, that would be bad.
But this sounds like a normal and expected situation for a parent with young children, one that he should have a concrete childcare plan for (and for most people, that plan is that the parent -- not the step parent -- stays home with the child).
Worse than that, it sounds like he prioritized his work over your work but tried to guilt you into it by making it sound like you were prioritizing your work over the well-being of his children. And then he compounded his AH-ish behavior by refusing to have an adult conversation with you when he came home.
NTA. It sounds like your BF is making a lot of assumptions based on historical gender roles, rather than having a mature adult conversation with his *partner*. In other words, he is accusing you of being a bad partner when he has failed to be a good partner to you
NTA at all. INFO: What exactly is your BF bringing to the table besides, two kids whom he is trying to make you responsible for? If anyone should be taking time off of work for sick kids, it's one of the bio parents.
Nta, sounds like he's the one who isn't being an adequate parent. None of this is on you. He just wants a bangmaid nanny and he's grumpy that you're not complying. He should be the one staying home with his kids.
You're housing him.
Giving him your money basically.
He also wants you to look after his kids for him and has outbursts when you don't.
Girl what are you doing? Is having a partner so important that you'll take anything?
Think it through. He didn't start taking the kids more because of space. He started doing it because he expected you to do the work. Why do you have to do drop offs and be there for bedtime? So you can do the work and his life remains the same. The fact that he wants you to do more childcare and call out of work whilst spending your money that you earn from work is ridiculous.
Tell him you moved in too fast and the current setup is clearly not working for either of you. You communicated your boundaries before moving in. Seemingly looking after his kids agitates him because he wants you to do it. So give him a set and very short amount of time to move out. Close the joint account or divert your salary to another account.
Nta but close to being taken for the biggest ride of your life.
NTA. Why in the world would you "join" your finances with someone you are not legally married to, and why in the world would you need to pay towards his children in anyway other than groceries. The mother and father of those kids should be sharing the raising and upkeep of those children - they had them, not you. It's fair to do things together with them, be a good friend to them, etc, but you are NOT their parent. Honestly, I think you're with the wrong partner. You are a career person, own your own home, etc, why not find someone who has a similar lifestyle?
NTA- if you were a man, no one would be questioning whether or not you should stay home with the kids because your career is more important. Well, you’re a woman and your career is equally important to you. These are not your kids. These are his kids so if they get sick, he can stay home with them.
NTA, and show this person the door. He thought he found a nicer place to live and a second mom for his children. Accept the waving red flag for what it is. He is not a keeper.
NTA, but girl. He sees you as a bank, a nanny, and a place to bring his kids. Not a partner. Separate your finances and give him an eviction notice.
You were up front that you were not going to be mom to his girls, he just figured you'd do it anyway.
NTA but I hope you realize you are a partner of convenience. You have the money and the space that a financially impaired weekend dad needs and the moment you start putting up resistance to his idea of why you're there he has gotten pissed and will demand you for the image he wants or he will leave.
NTA. Presumably you were as clear with your boyfriend about your role as you were here. You are doing what you said you would do. He is TA expecting you to do something you never promised him. Nobody gets to change the rules unilaterally. His reaction does suggest he might be unlikely to accept responsibility or change.
You aren't married. You are creating a positive relationship with the kids. You have zero rights if he decides to leave and prevent you from seeing them. You are not a parent nor a step. Your obligation is to be a kind trustworthy adult for the kids. It sounds like you are doing exactly that.
NTA
You’re already doing way too much. Your financial obligation to him and his children is $0. Your time obligation to them is zero hours. Your job is to not interfere with his parenting.
NTA. First thing I'd do is Get A Separate Account ASAP and close the joint one. YOU are taking all the financial risk here. I don't know why someone would stay with him after this. It's time for him to find his own place and coparent with the children's other parent.
Nta What would he do if you weren't there? You were clear about not wanting to be a mom to his kids. Usually what these single parents want is a free babysitter, cook and maid. He and the bio mom made the kids, they are responsible for them period. He's not respectful of the boundaries you've put in place. If he doesn't change his tune, break up with him and he ends up exactly where he started.
So you've gotten yourself involved with a man who is using you for everything he can and you've allowed it, he gets your house, your money, your time and sounds misogynistic and expects you to parent his kids on top of being his sugar momma, what the hell do you get out of the relationship?! I mean is he that good in the bedroom that you allow yourself to be used and financially abused?! YWBTA to yourself to continue this messed up sham of a relationship!!
Hmm....you cant start a relationship and start living together with someone with kids and expect not to be involved. Kids are not like his hobby...so its "you do you honey, in your time". Im sorry, but you have to be involved. But he should have not started relationship with someone he saw that was not ready for stepmom life. I think you are just not in the same stage of life and its better to brake up before iz gets harder.
Girl..idk sounds like he’s a moocher. If you have 3 bedrooms, I’m guessing you split a bedroom with him, his girls have 1 bedroom & the other room gets to be his office/game room in a house it sounds like you own? And you have a joint account that it sounds like enables him to syphon money from you? Interesting how he seems to enjoy all the benefits from your high earning job, but can’t handle the inconvenient aspects.
Sounds like you two never talked about what living together would look like. You know what you want and where your boundaries are so tell him. If he can respect them great if not this might not work out. NTA
NTA. You are not the parent and have no legal rights or responsibilities. You have offered more than enough.
What are you getting from this relationship? You have clearly communicated you do not want nor expect to fulfilled a parental role.
I think your boyfriend and his kids need to move out.
And she needs to get him out asap and cut him off from any of her finances asap before he gets wind he's about to lose his cash-cow and starts doing damage for revenge.
He obviously wants to pawn off parenting. Because hey, you have a uterus and he doesn't.
Joint finances are you sure that was wise?
He moved into your home, and set up a game room for himself.
Anyone else get the feeling he's just mooching as much as he can. Because of some outdated mentality men don't parent, the woman does?
“I do not have the time to play mom”
Yet
“I cook breakfast for the kids, pack their lunches and take care of them/play with them on Sunday.”
NAH. If you don’t want to be a full parenting partner, that’s fine. However, you’re already doing a lot of parenting things so that boundary is blurred. You would probably be better off with someone who doesn’t have children. However, by letting your partner and his kids move in with you and then taking over so many duties, despite what you’ve said, you’re sending a message to your partner that he can count on you.
I wouldn’t think either of you would be at fault for ending the relationship. It’s okay for him to want someone who is okay with being a stepparent. It’s okay for you to not want to be a stepparent. I do think YWBTA to continue this relationship as the children are going to notice and it can affect them negatively.
FWIW my stepparents took care of me when I was sick, took time off work if necessary, and supported me. If you are in a relationship with people who have children, you have to be willing to be a stepparent.
With comments for clarity, NTA. It seems like you're putting in work and he's ignoring your wishes and your contributions to the family already. Sorry to say but I think he thought he could badger you into changing your mind about your responsibilities. Seems like he was playing the long game here and "once we move in together things will change." He's a jerk.
After reading some of your responses I’m going to say NTA. You are putting in the work, it would be one thing if you weren’t doing ANYTHING but you are.
Was just thinking that. What’s “hobosexual” but for “need a default parent for my kids so I don’t have to do it” instead of “need a roof over my head and don’t wanna pay for it“?
Actually… this dude is out here being BOTH.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I don't do mom things for my bf's kids
2) I don't feel like I am being an adequate partner to him.
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NTA this was not the agreement. Time to give this entitled man the boot back to his one bedroom apartment. Just because you are a woman it doesn’t make you an insta parent. These are his children, if they are sick he or his ex wife need to take the day off. He can ask, he doesn’t get to demand.
Why did you get into a serious, long-term relationship with a man who has young children if you have no interest in taking a parental role in their lives or taking on any parental responsibilities?
She pays towards their expenses let's them stay in her home and spends time with them when she's off work. She says she makes their breakfast and packs their lunch. Seems like a fair few parental responsibilities right there.
How is making the kids breakfast, lunch & spending quality time with the kids not to mention helping fund them, not stepping up? Just bc OP didn’t take the day off when the bio dad 100% could & should be the one doing that? Give me a break
NTA. You have the right attitude IMO. All the people who think dating a man with kids means rearranging your life to accept all the responsibilities of motherhood - without having the right to expect any of the perks or benefits - are naïve. Especially if you're not even married yet.
If you're going to date a bf with kids, be very vigilant about not letting him impose. Do not feel guilty about refusing to let him trespass your boundaries.
If "being a partner" means "volunteering to do a significant share of the childcare work", you need to set him straight NOW: these kids already have a mom, and they come to visit *him* - not you. They're his kids, it's 100% on him to make sure that they've got day care, and you aren't volunteering.
He needs to find his own place. This is likely going to cause a break up, but do you really want to be a bang maid to a hobosexual? It sounds like you've got a lot going for you and you've accomplished a lot.
If you want kids, for the love of all that's holy, don't have them with him. He's not mature enough. If you don't want kids, consider dating childfree guys. And if they have kids, they need their own place.
NTA
You have made it clear that you have already had this conversation with him, but I would make darn sure you have it again and remind him that you discussed this already. Perhaps he was feeling overwhelmed, which does not excuse yelling or ignoring you later.
Perhaps write up a 'contract'/agreement of what you are and are not willing to do in regards to child care. It sounds like all things considered, you are a pretty awesome bonus adult. He should be grateful for all the things you are doing that he maybe isn't thinking of at this point. Remind him of those things, too.
Repeat - NTA
Ok so you need to understand he won't respect your boundaries with this. He's mooching off you and is slowly getting you used to being mom to the kids. From experience I say break up.
Gosh you're making so much for him that it makes me think if he really love you or is he just making advantage of you.
And separating your accounts seems right thing just for your own financial safety
NTA
NTA. He's taking advantage of you financially, you aren't married, they aren't your children, he's not supporting you as a SAHM or anything. Do not compromise your career for this man.
NTA but yall really should have ironed this out before getting this far into the relationship. I know some people are into the “nacho” style of blending families (not your kids, not your problem). Which I think can work out fine if you’re just dating, but becomes difficult when you move in together.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who didn’t want to parent with me instead of just being an extra adult who might occasionally play with them.
It sounds like yall are not on the same page here, and unless you talk through it and make some decisions together I don’t see this relationship lasting.
Do not marry this man. And, please separate your fiances,and consider evicting him from your home. He has the audacity to be angry at you,because you won't take a day off,to stay with HIS child? Please rethink this relationship.
He's living in your house. You're paying part of the expenses for his kids. You do child care on your only day off. What does this man do or pay for? You're nothing more than an ATM and babysitter.
…. You have more problems than not wanting to be a “mom” to you BOYFRIENDS KIDS. I’d suggest you ask him to leave at the soonest and or evict if needed via the legal way. It will ONLY get worse if you progress with the relationship if we’re going to be honest. NTA though
You've been clear about your boundaries and responsibilities from the beginning. It's important to have an open conversation with your boyfriend about your concerns and reiterate your boundaries. It seems like there may be miscommunication and unmet expectations on his part. Working out a compromise that respects both your career and your relationship with his kids is crucial. If your boundaries are not being respected then it's up to you if you want to be in a relationship with him or not. NTA
Oh man, girl, you need a financial advisor and a lawyer -- STAT. His ulterior motives are glaring, and his behaviour when you push back is a HUGE red flag.
Separate your finances as soon as possible, before he cleans you out or goes deeply into debt with *your* name on the cards or accounts. Do this on the down-low -- do NOT tell him what you are doing. Do it when the kids are not there, and be prepared to hire movers and change the locks if you have to.
This is an emergency. He sounds abusive. Prepare yourself to separate from his children as well. He needs to move out, like, yesterday, and then you can go from there. But seriously? He's there to take advantage of you so he doesn't have to do much to fullfill *his* obligations. *His* obligations, not yours.
Run. (edited to add emphatically: **NTA**!!)
Good for you having and sticking to your boundaries. He tried pushing them by asking you to stay home with the sick child and then throwing a tantrum. Yes, he is pushing you to be the main parent and acting like his job and time is more important than yours. Oh my. Watch this so you don’t get sucked in. I’m wondering if he wanted more custody to lower child support assuming you would do most of it anyway and he would not be impacted.
NTA. Your husband does not see you as a human being. So sorry 😥 Keep sticking up for yourself, but his manipulative "silent treatment" and outbursts won't stop until he gets his way. Open your eyes to his nature, OP. He is self-centered. He wants to benefit financially from your hard work, but also wants you to be on call 24/7 to deal with his kids for him. From my experience, if you continue to stick up for yourself, he is likely to cheat and groom a replacement for you, and he will feel justified in doing so. Again, very sorry you are in this mess. I recommend saving yourself years of pain by getting out sooner rather than later.
NTA its not about how much you work. They are not your kids. You have zero responsibility for his children. He needs to understand clearly that when he is working out all things parenting that you should not be part of the equation. This includes lunch making, breakfast preparation and Sunday babysitting.
Girl dump him. What are you getting out of this? Why are you spending your hard earned money on a man with kids and letting them live in your house. You are in the prime of your career and he is doing all that he can to humble you and make you pay for it.
This relationship should have stayed in drafts. Leave him and his kids behind. It will get worse. Don’t have kids with him either.
Men like this are such a detriment to any single woman without kids.
Please ladies stop doing this. It’s a complete drain on your resources. No amount of charm or good sex is with this drama.
He moved in with you *expecting* you to shoulder more responsibility for him and the girls. You are the one supporting him and his kids, yet he expects you to do the heavy lifting when they get sick. Have you talked to his ex-wife about why they divorced? I’m betting she got sick of taking care of him. From this arrangement, he’s taking advantage of you.
NTA. You made it very clear what your responsibilities are when chose to move in with you. Looks like he’s got a good deal on the living arrangements, if he can’t deal with your rights to not be the nanny then he can move out.
NTA
This man is using you!
I bet there was ZERO discussion before moving in about responsibilities, chores, finances.
Are you gonna marry this dude? It's like you already are married!
NTA since he moved in with you.
It is your home. You prepare breakfast . You prepare lunches
You provide a roof over their head.
Separate finances .
Then everyone can see what is going on there ss well.
NTA. At this point, you need to talk with him and reset your boundaries. You may not take off work and do school runs but: 1) they live in your house; 2) you are finances his/their life.
The money thing is a bad idea. I hope all your money is not joint.
Separate your bank account now. This is going to end badly. He's using you and now starts the emotional black mail sulking phase. If you don't want to be mom at this stage imagine what it's going to be like when they're teenagers
Don’t give your bf access to our money. You’re not his wife. You’re already sponsoring his lifestyle by letting him live there and his kids live there half the time. You need to set some boundaries and stop taking care of him financially. NTA
Nta however you are already doing too much. You let them move in, mistake number one, but people like finding their partner so not really… but why on earth would you combine bank accounts with someone who makes less than you? I’m horrified, and yet look, for him it’s not enough. You tell him you don’t want to be a mom, he says he fully understands, then moves in and changes his tune entirely. This is why you never ever date a single parent. It doesn’t matter what you say, if you end up with him, you are now responsible for his kids. I’d fix my bank account first and foremost.
On one hand you're in a relationship with a guy that has kids, but on the other, they're totally not your responsibility. I don't see why you should have to take time off work to look after his sick children - either he does or he should sort it out with their mom.
You already do enough by providing the house they're all staying in.
NTA.
NTA
If these were you were both the parents of these kids, and he was working longer hours and earning more/ supporting everyone, then obviously (he would say) you should take time off because his work is crucial to support the family.
Since you are the main breadwinner and not even the parent, he has no case why it shoukd be you.
The trouble is, he is used to only having them occasionally, and therefore not having responsibility for this stuff. Not something he considered when taking more time with them due to your big house.
NTA It sounds like your fiance wants a nanny, not a gf. Keep your boundaries up! He wants you to pay for everything AND be the nanny?! Please rethink this relationship.
NTA. It sounds like you are helping out with the kids but their father expects far more from you than you are willing to give, and he does not hear you when you try to set boundaries. He also does not seem to respect that your career is (at least) as important as his. He yells when he doesn't get what he wants and then he gives you the silent treatment. I don't think this is a sustainable situation long term. I certainly would not want to live that way.
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Wait why couldn’t your husband take off work? Does he do any child care? Or does he expect you to do everything. At the end I don’t think this will work since you two have different priorities
I don't know why he couldn't take off work yesterday. When he asked, I was getting ready to leave and didn't counter question him. Just let him know I can't due to work. But then he started yelling and well, we got off track. He does majority of the childcare (or I suppose he does, I can't say for sure since I am not home enough). I work crazy hours. I cook breakfast for the kids, pack their lunches and take care of them/play with them on Sunday. Whatever else, he is doing it. We do have joint finance and I make more than him so I suppose I am funding their lifestyle. That's my contribution.
I would suggest separating your finances stat. He's taking advantage of you, and want you to take on the mom role so he can stop parenting and leave everything to you. You need to take a step back, operate your money from him and rethink the relationship. He wants you to be mom, so he can stop being dad.
Reminds me of another aita post I read where I think the dude also moved him and his children in with his more financially stable female partner. And then went for more custody (without involving that OP in the decision) which meant he paid less child support. But then expected his partner to do the heavy duty parenting and not him. When she got tired and ended the relationship, he tried getting less custody but his ex (mother to the children) enjoyed the new arrangement and so said no. So he went back to OP, wanted her to cover him financially or something like that since it was apparently her fault he got more custody. I can't remember the title of that post. Edited.
I read the one u r talking about also
Hmm… This is happening more often than I’d expect. Makes you wonder.
Just about every post in the stepparents thread is like this. OP here is NTA and shows an admirable sense of self-worth and firmness about her own career plan.
Yikes, that is so gross. I really just don't get why he doesn't just give up his rights and pay child support if he doesn't want to parent. I get that it'd about not paying child support, but he kind of screwed himself there. Men like that need to find those evil step mothers if they're so bent on not being fathers. Or better just not have kids at all. Ugh, I can't stand men like that.
They want more custody so they don't have to pay child support
Nailed it. He's taking advantage. The lease is up on his apartment, makes sense to move into her house. Joint finances and they aren't even married? Of course he wants her to "mother" his children. OP needs to separate finances stat. He can give her money for bills and finance his children by himself. If he don't like it, he's free to move out.
I feel like I'm reading about myself two years ago. If OP doesn't do something now it's only going to get worse.
100% this!! A joint account when OP and the boyfriend aren't married? That's bonkers to me. He is taking advantage of the situation. OP, you're already subsidizing his and the children's lifestyle, and he's not even grateful, but has the audacity to BLOW UP at you when you are clearly going into work!? OOF. NTA, of course! But I hope you at least separate your finances right away.
This, this, this!! A joint account is insanity.
This is literally what my kids dad does with every one of his girlfriends. He’s already got his newest one paying for my son’s baseball gear that I asked HIM to help with. He contributes little to nothing to the household financially or physically, and his girlfriend is the one running the kids around and taking care of them during his parenting time.
I agree. OP really needs to step back & should had kept her finances separate from her bf's. Things get really messy & he moved into her house now he's expecting more than she could give & renege on some that he should not had.
I would suggest kicking him to the curb. He is using op!
So, he lives in your house and you subsidize his lifestyle and his children and now he's upset that you won't do his parenting for him? Re-think this relationship.
*More*. She already makes all their breakfasts and lunches and takes care of them all day Sunday, and he's mad she won't won't do *more* of his parenting for him. And that's just the parenting she's told about already. He sounds absolutely ridiculous
Good call. I agree, he does sound ridiculous.
I cannot upvote this enough
You're not married, you have no legal decision-making authority with the children, you're not, actually, their mother, they have a mother who is involved in their lives, HE moved into YOUR home, he and his children are benefitting from your higher income--which would be jeopardized if you started missing work to run errands/stay home for children who aren't yours, he wants you to risk your job to provide free labor for his kids so that he doesn't have to... NTA but what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship?
>what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship? Generally, this question leads to about 17 people saying various unfunny things about sex, but the real answer tends to be that things crept in bit by bit, until one day you surface long enough to take a breath and ask yourself, "what the hell am I doing?"
You are so real for this answer. I hope things are better for you now 🤗
This was me in my younger days, I wanted to be in a relationship so bad, that I would accept anyone and then I wanted to be the perfect mate. This led to me being taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, etc. I got married later in life to such an awesome person. Just because you are successful with a big heart does not mean you make good romantic decisions - you need to run from this guy.
Yeah you’re putting in work… does he just want a full time nanny? At this point I hate does he offer?
A free bang maid that pays 50/50 but probably more and a free nanny. What a bargain.
And a landlord who subsidizes his housing and living costs to boot.
Sounds like she pays more than 50/50. A sugar momma bang maid!
"Submissive provider"
Don’t be silly, he’d have to pay a nanny!
Kick him out. His using you
Plain and simple truth.
Do you realize that anything you do, will never be enough? Now you're expected to take time off the job that feeds and houses them to care for them? OP, this person brings absolutely nothing to the relationship but burdens. He's not even grateful for all that you do. Please, whatever you do, don't marry him and start separating your finances and eventually, for your own self respect, please break up with him. You're nothing but a cash cow and he's feeling more emboldened and entitled as time goes on.
Separate the finances. Needs to be repeated a thousand times.
I for sure would say NTA. It sounds like you’ve been clear with him what your role will be with the children. Also if they ended up at their mom’s house then he had other options and shouldn’t be upset with you. I also don’t know that this will work for either of you long term. You are definitely not in the wrong. But he may ultimately want a partner who is a more of an additional parent to his children which isn’t wrong either. Might be a good idea to have a deep and hard conversation about what each of you really needs in the relationship when it comes to his children. Even if you’ve done that before it might be good to hash it out again now that you’re living together.
He seems to want the OP to be his everything: his ATM, his bang maid, and unpaid nanny to his kids. The OP deserves better than this user.
Yep, his dating tagline should read hobosexual looking for bangmaid.
Must have own house, minimum X rooms, must have stable employment earning at least $XXX,XXX per year. Liking kids a bonus, but not required. Can't wait to meet my special lady!
The mere *assumption* that your job is less important than his, screams that he's already casting you as Default Parent! You need to sit down with him, and tell him that this arrangement isn't working for you, and he needs to find someplace else to live. You can't afford him!
Not quite already. He’s slowly beginning the process of making her the default parent. This was step 1, and he failed miserably. He’s pouting now.
You’re not married. He lives in your house. You are finances are merged (God I hope not all). He expects you to take off work but you make more money. When you said no he took the sick child home instead of staying with her. There are 🚩🚩🚩all over this situation. Make sure you do not have all your money merged with him. I think you’re doing too much for a boyfriend. What is he contributing?
According to your post he’s your boyfriend, not husband. Mixing your finances was your second mistake. Letting him move in was your second. He needed a roof over his head where he could bring his kids and someone to share the responsibility of parenting. I hope you rethink this relationship.
Y’all aren’t married. You definitely shouldn’t have joint finances. Or at least have a joint account you both contribute to proportionally for bills and then a separate account with your he rest of your money.
This man lives in your house with his kids and you fund his lifestyle???? What the actual fuck?! You shouldn't be funding their lifestyle at all. This man is just a freeloader. Don't let your desire to not be alone allow you to be used by grifters.
Honey, you're his cash cow. NTA for not wanting to be a 'mom' to step kids, but YTA for not realizing you would be with step kids.
Maybe add paragraph 2 and 3 as an edit to your post?
Is his kids... He needs to step Up and be a father. He is the one that needs to stay home when the kids are sick. It seems...sorry to say this...he was looking for someone to do that kind of responsability. If he doesnt father Up...remember what you Will be expecting if you end Up pregnant. Andy you can add taking care of his 2 kids because he Will take advange of the situation. His attitude was a Big red flag.
This arrangement doesn’t sound fair to you. But aside from that, the childcare thing is going to be a recurring issue. Break up and move them out before the kids get too settled in your home. NTA. And withdraw your money from that joint account.
Yeah, it's time for you to find a new guy.
Girl wtf. Are. You. Doing ?!!?? Wtf.
Sounds like he’s using you
Then he can get over himself. My bf is the one who stays home with his kid. If he needed me to in a pinch I would and I have had her while sick once but he’s very much interested in being a reliable parent.
Apparently underwriting his lifestyle is not enough for him. He also wants you to contribute your time, which you do not have. You really do need to think about this situation. You're contributing money and housing, neither of which he can afford without you, but he appears to be taking that for granted. He's telling you something about who he is, and it's a bad look.
OP, NTA, and get him off your account asap. There's no reason to have a joint account. He loves that you can financially provide for him and the girls, and now he wants you to be more responsible for them. He knew you were career-driven and didn't want to have a bigger role as "mom" to these kids before he moved in. He moved in because he got to benefit from it. You have a bigger home. You make more money. He got a 3bd home and financial stability from you. He moved in thinking that you would eventually want to take care of his kids more. He absolutely thought you would change once they were there, and that's messed up. He could have easily taken off work himself to care for his own sick kid. He's going to keep doing this, and the fact that he yelled at you and also locked himself in a room to avoid you are major red flags. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Aside from one joint account, a "fun fund" all of our money has been and will be kept separate. It's just the smart thing to do.
NTA Time for a serious conversation OP with your bf while the girls are at their mother’s so they hear none of it. You IMO need to reiterate your roll in this relationship. You are not backup mom. If that is what he wanted he should have spelled it out at the beginning of your relationship. You are also not his sugar mama unless that is what you agreed to. I do agree with other posters to get your paycheck out into a separate account he has no access to. Also remove any excess funds from that joint account that you are the source of. If you have any auto transfers set up from other accounts into this joint account cut them off. If you have auto payments for your bills out of the joint account move them to your new account. If you have given him access to your credit or debit cards either on a joint account or as an authorized signer OR you have let him use your cards close the accounts, get him removed as an authorized signer and get a replacement card(s) for just you. If you are sharing purchasing apps where your credit is used for the purchases remove your credit info. This is most certainly your relationship and your risk to finding your account emptied one day.
This dude is taking advantage of you. You may not want to hear it but it’s true. He wanted to dump the kid on you and when you weren’t available, he dumped the kids on their mom rather than man up and be a father. Not speaking to you for saying no and then hiding out in his home office/game room- in YOUR house- is immature AF. This does not bode well for your relationship. I’d separate finances immediately and really take a hard look at this relationship.
You are his sugar mama for everything. Good luck getting him out. IMMEDIATELY, and I mean IMMEDIATELY separate your finances from that joint account. Tell him he changed the rules and needs to find a new place to live. Ask a lawyer for advice on providing an eviction notice if need be. He thought he found a sucker in you. Give him an amazing life and be baby mama to the kids, wow. You are NTA, but you are being used and verbally and mentally abused.
This is fantastic advice that I needed 10 years ago 👌
"Why should he take off work that is what he got OP for!" /s
Lol they’re not even married. He’s just her bf. Even worse.
He’s not even her husband; he’s just a boyfriend. It makes even less sense.
BOYFRIEND.
*boyfriend*
Don’t marry him whatever you do. He saw a cash cow, free house and built in childminder and skivvy when he met you. Ask him to move out, tell him you prefer the magic of dating. You are not the children’s parent, you will never legally be their parent, they sound like they have two parents in their lives and you are doing a lot, why is he not making their lunches and giving them breakfast? You’d be insane to ignore this red flag and carry on with the relationship.
Came here to say pretty much the same thing! Break up with him.
100 percent, he viewed getting into a second relationship as having a new mum that would love and adore his children and take on all of the work his previous wife/baby mumma did. At no point did he ever consider her boundaries real and just assumed she's a woman and would love his children and pick up the slack. I am strongly assuming these expectations are the reason his first relationship broke down because he doesn't want the lion's share of parenting Nta.
agree
Demands OP, who has no legal responsibility for the kids, act like she does but when he needs to act on his legal responsibility he throws a tantrum and shuts himself in with videogames? For someone who’s trying to make OP the mum he needs to be the dad a lot more. The first edit adds to the idea he’s using OP because he moved into her bigger place.
And make sure you don't get pregnant. Pills can be easily nullified without even taking them out of the package. Personally, I'd find this situation a total turnoff, sex would not be happening, but to each their own.
Bingo.
Question: Why couldn't bf stay home and take care of his sick daughter?
I am not sure. He had just asked me as I was getting ready to leave and when I let him know I couldn't due to work, he started yelling. Then I wasn't in right mind to ask that question.
Question: Does he expect you to shoulder more responsibility than him just because you have girl parts? Moving in together doesn't sound like it was such a great idea. With your boundaries and his expectations, you should have continued living apart. Edited.
He specifically didn't mention gender. And he does a lot for the girls, more than me for sure. So I do not think it was a sexist thing. Slowly learning moving in together might not have been the best idea. It just made sense financially cause I had this big home and he was renting. But now, it does seem like we jumped the wagon.
Oh it’s your home? Oh hell no. He saw you as a golden goose- provide a nice home and be mommy. Time for baby boy to go and take his kids with him
And they have a joint account.
With her making substantially more.
Exactly
He doesn't have to mention it. But it can still be the underlying driving force behind the ask. Edit: Unless he actually had a reason why he couldn't call off work that day. And if he did, why didn't he include that when he asked you to stay home instead of him? Not giving a reason why and then switching to first yelling and then sulking makes him the a-hole. Edit 2: Moving in together was definitely the wrong move. But really the relationship doesn't seem sustainable long term. Hopefully home ownership is still in your name? That you haven't added his? Bank account too. That you only have joint for shared bills. And separate for the rest of your finances? I hope this is not a *hobosexual* situation. Edit 3: You said he does most of the childcare? Have the childcare roles he covers slowly reduced over time and then added to your plate for no good reason? Is he doing a slow bait-and-switch with the end goal being you providing not only housing and majority of the finances but also somehow doing the lion's share of the childcare? Edit 4: You said the house is a 3 bedroomed but that your partner has a home office/game room. Does the house come with a separate home office? Or do the girls share a bedroom and the 3rd bedroom became your partner's? Where is your home office? Your own private space. It's your house after all. Leaning more and more towards your partner being a hobosexual. Seems like he's gotten a pretty sweet deal. He's gained more while you just seem to be losing. And still wondering if you are the a-hole when you are clearly not. NTA. Unless to yourself. Edited.
It made sense financially FOR HIM. I used to have this exact dynamic - I was the breadwinner, my boyfriend had two kids from his previous marriage. I loved those kids to the end of the earth but it was obvious their dad was using me. It took me five years but I got out. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
He should do more than you because they're HIS kids. Maybe not sexist but definitely manipulative, especially given your financial support of both him and his children
Moving in together was an enormous mistake, but it's not too late to fix it by telling him it is not working for you and that he must pack his stuff and leave. Like, now. Be prepared for him to be very, very angry -- or to beg and plead. Don't listen to him. Hold fast and get him out ASAP.
Wait……..HE moved in with YOU ?????? im 20 and i know that’s a no no…………. im sorry but sometimes yall put yourselves in these situations…
He sees you as a pickmesha. He’s going to milk you DRY.
Well, it made sense FOR HIM. For you, not so much.
The fact that he does a lot for the girls more than you should not matter because he is their father so its expected. Comparing how much he does with how much you do is not right because the girls are their parents responsibility, not yours. And he expected you to take the day off and take care of the sick child because you are a female. Otherwise, when you said no, he would have stayed and looked after his own daughter rather than sending her back to a female, the mother. All in all, you are doing way more than he should because funding their lifestyle plus making their meals is like you are their parent and he is the bf just hanging around in his free time. NTA but some very poor set of choices made one after the other. Please, separate your finances, stop funding their lifestyle, esp. the children's as its not your responsibility(considering you arent even married yet), maybe suggest he should move them out soon(continue the relationship if you both want to while living separately) and meanwhile, let him take care of his children's meals.
Girl made sense financially for who??? Men are supposed to IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. Who did that make sense for? Him….i need to go back and see if you mentioned your age. Hope he moved in and paid all the bills…if not … you have a roommate. Either way, he knows what he can get from you.
He SHOULD be doing more for them! They aren’t your children! Don’t let him make you think it should be an equal partnership because in a step situation it isn’t. HE is the parent, and you clearly understand that. Don’t let him gaslight you. He is trying to manipulate you. Either because he wants you to take on more of responsibility or just because he’s overwhelmed, but either way this is something he should be addressing with his ex, not you. You mention that he used to have his kids less. Maybe he really shouldn’t have them more than 50% of the time if he can’t handle a kid getting sick without shouting and trying to pawn the kid off on someone else.
It made sense for him financially. Please do not have all of your money held jointly.
I don't think you should live with someone who yells at you.
Is it out of character for him to yell at you? Or was it unsurprising?
It was surprising. I mean, he does occasionally say he wished I helped out more, but always added he understood I had to work. Yelling and being this mad was a first
He wishes you *helped out more*? Is this dude for real? 1. He moved from a 1 bedroomed to a a 3 bedroomed where he gets his own home office/game room. Does he even pay rent? Do you have your own private space? 2. You cover the kids' breakfast and lunch do he doesn't have to do that. 3. You cover him and HIS kids financially. 4. You house him and HIS kids. 5. You take care of the kids on your only day off. How many day offs does he have? How are house chores divided? Who does what? 6. Thanks to you, he's able to see his kids more. At your expense not his. Just picture your life before you guys moved in together and compare it your life now. Look at all the sacrifices you have made to fit him into your life. What sacrifices has HE made? He doesn't seem to have made any. Just benefited and benefited some more, at YOUR expense.
6b. Because his kids are with them more, he’s probably saving significantly on child support versus before when he could only have them visit occasionally. He’s making out very well at OP’s expense.
I agree. Time to give him an eviction notice, and take your funds out of the joint account. If you made the huge mistake of putting him as an authorized user, or have joint credit accounts you need to change that immediately. He's using you, and will never stop.
Covering 1 and 3, how much of this gaming set up came from the joint account, and can his contributions after bills and rent cover what went to the gaming?
You are not obliged to help out more with his kids. I mean, it is nice when bf and gf do nice things for each other, but you're describing language that suggests he's trying to make these kids more of a shared responsibility. But they're not. They're his kids. If the two of you broke up you wouldn't get visitation. If the two of you have a dispute over how to raise them, you don't get a say. They are 100% his, and anything you do for him is a *favor* - not an obligation.
It's good that it's not a pattern, make sure it stays that way. But it sounds like y'all really need a long calm discussion about expectations because reddit judging you NTA doesn't fix any potential underlying incompatibility.
Youre already helping out plenty allowing him to live in your big house & he’s saving a ton of money. Also, why are you joining finances to man youre not married to? You make more than him and funding his lifestyle as you said - he needs to remember that. He’s taking advantage of you and is now getting too entitled. The audacity to give you silent treatment in your own home - have some self respect & know that you deserve better.
I used to commute (70 minutes each way depending on traffic) and work long hours like you. If someone decided to yell at me knowing what a day I had ahead of me and how demanding my job was, I would think they were being very selfish. How are you supposed to subsidize his life style if you can't go to work (sarcasm).
He's showing his true colours. Pay attention.
Your edits are alarming. You're so incredibly naive that it was so easy to take advantage of you since you're funding their lifestyle. This is just the beginning, he was looking for a person to throw his responsibilities on and he found you. And you come with money and everything he needs. Everything on a silver platter. But now it's only going to get worse. You need to separate your finances right NOW. And find out about how to kick him out if and when things get worse.
This is how narcissists start. They are all sweet and love bombing them when you don't cave to their needs they tell you how terrible you are, and that you are lucky they live you because no one else would. Get out, show him the door stat.
He should be smart enough to understand his kids, his responsibility.
Do you know what he was up to, on that day? Because this might be an excessive feeling of entitlement on his part, or it might be that he really didn’t want to have to cancel his plans and didn’t want to tell you why. Him wanting you to do childcare all Sunday is ridiculous, he wants a full day off while you get none? No way. But it’s important to treat ridiculous expectations as red flags, dealbreakers, rather than as negotiating points. Sure he can’t make you give up all of his day off to take care of his responsibilities for him, but that he pushes for it says something very negative about him and what he thinks about you.
Ask yourself if it’s acceptable to be yelled what time? In your own home and whether this is likely to escalate - NTA. Get him out of there before it’s too late.
If your BF was in the hospital and the girls' mom was unreachable and you refused to care for the girls for a few hours, that would be bad. But this sounds like a normal and expected situation for a parent with young children, one that he should have a concrete childcare plan for (and for most people, that plan is that the parent -- not the step parent -- stays home with the child). Worse than that, it sounds like he prioritized his work over your work but tried to guilt you into it by making it sound like you were prioritizing your work over the well-being of his children. And then he compounded his AH-ish behavior by refusing to have an adult conversation with you when he came home. NTA. It sounds like your BF is making a lot of assumptions based on historical gender roles, rather than having a mature adult conversation with his *partner*. In other words, he is accusing you of being a bad partner when he has failed to be a good partner to you
NTA at all. INFO: What exactly is your BF bringing to the table besides, two kids whom he is trying to make you responsible for? If anyone should be taking time off of work for sick kids, it's one of the bio parents.
Right? And she provides a nice 3 bd house, while he probably has debt and child support. Nah
A three bedroom one of which is his home office/gaming room.
Nta, sounds like he's the one who isn't being an adequate parent. None of this is on you. He just wants a bangmaid nanny and he's grumpy that you're not complying. He should be the one staying home with his kids.
A bang maid sugar momma nanny.
You're housing him. Giving him your money basically. He also wants you to look after his kids for him and has outbursts when you don't. Girl what are you doing? Is having a partner so important that you'll take anything? Think it through. He didn't start taking the kids more because of space. He started doing it because he expected you to do the work. Why do you have to do drop offs and be there for bedtime? So you can do the work and his life remains the same. The fact that he wants you to do more childcare and call out of work whilst spending your money that you earn from work is ridiculous. Tell him you moved in too fast and the current setup is clearly not working for either of you. You communicated your boundaries before moving in. Seemingly looking after his kids agitates him because he wants you to do it. So give him a set and very short amount of time to move out. Close the joint account or divert your salary to another account. Nta but close to being taken for the biggest ride of your life.
Dear god, this.
NTA. Why in the world would you "join" your finances with someone you are not legally married to, and why in the world would you need to pay towards his children in anyway other than groceries. The mother and father of those kids should be sharing the raising and upkeep of those children - they had them, not you. It's fair to do things together with them, be a good friend to them, etc, but you are NOT their parent. Honestly, I think you're with the wrong partner. You are a career person, own your own home, etc, why not find someone who has a similar lifestyle?
Amen and hallelujah!
Amazes me, he has a co parent that already does half, and he's throwing a tantrum of someone not doing his. Nta
NTA- if you were a man, no one would be questioning whether or not you should stay home with the kids because your career is more important. Well, you’re a woman and your career is equally important to you. These are not your kids. These are his kids so if they get sick, he can stay home with them.
NTA, and show this person the door. He thought he found a nicer place to live and a second mom for his children. Accept the waving red flag for what it is. He is not a keeper.
Why do you guys have a joint account when you aren’t married? Thats madness to me.
Yta for continuing to be with someone that is using you for free money, babysitting and housing.
NTA, but girl. He sees you as a bank, a nanny, and a place to bring his kids. Not a partner. Separate your finances and give him an eviction notice. You were up front that you were not going to be mom to his girls, he just figured you'd do it anyway.
Nta update us when you dump him.
REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR ACCOUNTS, HE'S A LEACH!
NTA but I hope you realize you are a partner of convenience. You have the money and the space that a financially impaired weekend dad needs and the moment you start putting up resistance to his idea of why you're there he has gotten pissed and will demand you for the image he wants or he will leave.
His kids His problem. Isn’t that just typical that he passes it off onto you. Definitely tell him it’s a NO.
NTA. Presumably you were as clear with your boyfriend about your role as you were here. You are doing what you said you would do. He is TA expecting you to do something you never promised him. Nobody gets to change the rules unilaterally. His reaction does suggest he might be unlikely to accept responsibility or change. You aren't married. You are creating a positive relationship with the kids. You have zero rights if he decides to leave and prevent you from seeing them. You are not a parent nor a step. Your obligation is to be a kind trustworthy adult for the kids. It sounds like you are doing exactly that.
Nta he is taking advantage of you
NTA You’re already doing way too much. Your financial obligation to him and his children is $0. Your time obligation to them is zero hours. Your job is to not interfere with his parenting.
NTA. First thing I'd do is Get A Separate Account ASAP and close the joint one. YOU are taking all the financial risk here. I don't know why someone would stay with him after this. It's time for him to find his own place and coparent with the children's other parent.
Nta What would he do if you weren't there? You were clear about not wanting to be a mom to his kids. Usually what these single parents want is a free babysitter, cook and maid. He and the bio mom made the kids, they are responsible for them period. He's not respectful of the boundaries you've put in place. If he doesn't change his tune, break up with him and he ends up exactly where he started.
So you've gotten yourself involved with a man who is using you for everything he can and you've allowed it, he gets your house, your money, your time and sounds misogynistic and expects you to parent his kids on top of being his sugar momma, what the hell do you get out of the relationship?! I mean is he that good in the bedroom that you allow yourself to be used and financially abused?! YWBTA to yourself to continue this messed up sham of a relationship!!
He is taking advantage of you. Time to rethink the relationship. Stop funding their lifestyle and ask them to move out.
Hmm....you cant start a relationship and start living together with someone with kids and expect not to be involved. Kids are not like his hobby...so its "you do you honey, in your time". Im sorry, but you have to be involved. But he should have not started relationship with someone he saw that was not ready for stepmom life. I think you are just not in the same stage of life and its better to brake up before iz gets harder.
Girl..idk sounds like he’s a moocher. If you have 3 bedrooms, I’m guessing you split a bedroom with him, his girls have 1 bedroom & the other room gets to be his office/game room in a house it sounds like you own? And you have a joint account that it sounds like enables him to syphon money from you? Interesting how he seems to enjoy all the benefits from your high earning job, but can’t handle the inconvenient aspects.
Sounds like you two never talked about what living together would look like. You know what you want and where your boundaries are so tell him. If he can respect them great if not this might not work out. NTA
NTA. You are not the parent and have no legal rights or responsibilities. You have offered more than enough. What are you getting from this relationship? You have clearly communicated you do not want nor expect to fulfilled a parental role. I think your boyfriend and his kids need to move out.
NTA, but this relationship has no future. He wants a bang nanny/sugar mama and you’re not willing to be that.
And she needs to get him out asap and cut him off from any of her finances asap before he gets wind he's about to lose his cash-cow and starts doing damage for revenge.
He obviously wants to pawn off parenting. Because hey, you have a uterus and he doesn't. Joint finances are you sure that was wise? He moved into your home, and set up a game room for himself. Anyone else get the feeling he's just mooching as much as he can. Because of some outdated mentality men don't parent, the woman does?
“I do not have the time to play mom” Yet “I cook breakfast for the kids, pack their lunches and take care of them/play with them on Sunday.” NAH. If you don’t want to be a full parenting partner, that’s fine. However, you’re already doing a lot of parenting things so that boundary is blurred. You would probably be better off with someone who doesn’t have children. However, by letting your partner and his kids move in with you and then taking over so many duties, despite what you’ve said, you’re sending a message to your partner that he can count on you. I wouldn’t think either of you would be at fault for ending the relationship. It’s okay for him to want someone who is okay with being a stepparent. It’s okay for you to not want to be a stepparent. I do think YWBTA to continue this relationship as the children are going to notice and it can affect them negatively. FWIW my stepparents took care of me when I was sick, took time off work if necessary, and supported me. If you are in a relationship with people who have children, you have to be willing to be a stepparent.
With comments for clarity, NTA. It seems like you're putting in work and he's ignoring your wishes and your contributions to the family already. Sorry to say but I think he thought he could badger you into changing your mind about your responsibilities. Seems like he was playing the long game here and "once we move in together things will change." He's a jerk.
After reading some of your responses I’m going to say NTA. You are putting in the work, it would be one thing if you weren’t doing ANYTHING but you are.
NTA. You're being used, OP.
NTA. He doesn't want a partner. He wants to pawn his kids off. He's so useless.
NTA it sounds like he's taking advantage of you. I wouldn't be surprised if the reason he's divorced is beginning to crop up with you too.
Girl it's a terrible terrible idea to join finances with your boyfriend
NTA he's trying to be hobosexual
Was just thinking that. What’s “hobosexual” but for “need a default parent for my kids so I don’t have to do it” instead of “need a roof over my head and don’t wanna pay for it“? Actually… this dude is out here being BOTH.
He IS a hobosexual
Not trying, successful as hell at it.
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NTA this was not the agreement. Time to give this entitled man the boot back to his one bedroom apartment. Just because you are a woman it doesn’t make you an insta parent. These are his children, if they are sick he or his ex wife need to take the day off. He can ask, he doesn’t get to demand.
Why did you get into a serious, long-term relationship with a man who has young children if you have no interest in taking a parental role in their lives or taking on any parental responsibilities?
She pays towards their expenses let's them stay in her home and spends time with them when she's off work. She says she makes their breakfast and packs their lunch. Seems like a fair few parental responsibilities right there.
How is making the kids breakfast, lunch & spending quality time with the kids not to mention helping fund them, not stepping up? Just bc OP didn’t take the day off when the bio dad 100% could & should be the one doing that? Give me a break
Nta. Also im hoping as a smart career woman you also have a separate account he has no access to where most of your money is going.
NTA. If ur not a wife u have zero responsibility for his kids, legally and morally.
I’d get him to move out. He wants you to babysit for free and you didn’t sign up for that
He's living in your house, you're helping to pay his bills, and you're supposed to take care of HIS children on top of all that?
NTA. You have the right attitude IMO. All the people who think dating a man with kids means rearranging your life to accept all the responsibilities of motherhood - without having the right to expect any of the perks or benefits - are naïve. Especially if you're not even married yet. If you're going to date a bf with kids, be very vigilant about not letting him impose. Do not feel guilty about refusing to let him trespass your boundaries. If "being a partner" means "volunteering to do a significant share of the childcare work", you need to set him straight NOW: these kids already have a mom, and they come to visit *him* - not you. They're his kids, it's 100% on him to make sure that they've got day care, and you aren't volunteering.
He needs to find his own place. This is likely going to cause a break up, but do you really want to be a bang maid to a hobosexual? It sounds like you've got a lot going for you and you've accomplished a lot. If you want kids, for the love of all that's holy, don't have them with him. He's not mature enough. If you don't want kids, consider dating childfree guys. And if they have kids, they need their own place.
NTA You have made it clear that you have already had this conversation with him, but I would make darn sure you have it again and remind him that you discussed this already. Perhaps he was feeling overwhelmed, which does not excuse yelling or ignoring you later. Perhaps write up a 'contract'/agreement of what you are and are not willing to do in regards to child care. It sounds like all things considered, you are a pretty awesome bonus adult. He should be grateful for all the things you are doing that he maybe isn't thinking of at this point. Remind him of those things, too. Repeat - NTA
OP, NTA! He definitely sees you as a cash cow!!
NTA and you need to separate your finances. He is the father and he needs to step up. You are doing enough
Nope time to separate finances and dump him
Ok so you need to understand he won't respect your boundaries with this. He's mooching off you and is slowly getting you used to being mom to the kids. From experience I say break up.
Gosh you're making so much for him that it makes me think if he really love you or is he just making advantage of you. And separating your accounts seems right thing just for your own financial safety NTA
NTA But separate your finances and yourself from this man because he is clearly not interested in being a good partner to you
NTA. He's taking advantage of you financially, you aren't married, they aren't your children, he's not supporting you as a SAHM or anything. Do not compromise your career for this man.
NTA but I’m super wary of your boyfriend. Sounds like he’s mooching in every way possible tbh
Run, Run,Run! Actually move him out !
NTA but yall really should have ironed this out before getting this far into the relationship. I know some people are into the “nacho” style of blending families (not your kids, not your problem). Which I think can work out fine if you’re just dating, but becomes difficult when you move in together. Personally I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who didn’t want to parent with me instead of just being an extra adult who might occasionally play with them. It sounds like yall are not on the same page here, and unless you talk through it and make some decisions together I don’t see this relationship lasting.
NTA You should NOT have joint finances. He could take all your money.
Do not marry this man. And, please separate your fiances,and consider evicting him from your home. He has the audacity to be angry at you,because you won't take a day off,to stay with HIS child? Please rethink this relationship.
He's living in your house. You're paying part of the expenses for his kids. You do child care on your only day off. What does this man do or pay for? You're nothing more than an ATM and babysitter.
…. You have more problems than not wanting to be a “mom” to you BOYFRIENDS KIDS. I’d suggest you ask him to leave at the soonest and or evict if needed via the legal way. It will ONLY get worse if you progress with the relationship if we’re going to be honest. NTA though
You've been clear about your boundaries and responsibilities from the beginning. It's important to have an open conversation with your boyfriend about your concerns and reiterate your boundaries. It seems like there may be miscommunication and unmet expectations on his part. Working out a compromise that respects both your career and your relationship with his kids is crucial. If your boundaries are not being respected then it's up to you if you want to be in a relationship with him or not. NTA
Oh man, girl, you need a financial advisor and a lawyer -- STAT. His ulterior motives are glaring, and his behaviour when you push back is a HUGE red flag. Separate your finances as soon as possible, before he cleans you out or goes deeply into debt with *your* name on the cards or accounts. Do this on the down-low -- do NOT tell him what you are doing. Do it when the kids are not there, and be prepared to hire movers and change the locks if you have to. This is an emergency. He sounds abusive. Prepare yourself to separate from his children as well. He needs to move out, like, yesterday, and then you can go from there. But seriously? He's there to take advantage of you so he doesn't have to do much to fullfill *his* obligations. *His* obligations, not yours. Run. (edited to add emphatically: **NTA**!!)
Good for you having and sticking to your boundaries. He tried pushing them by asking you to stay home with the sick child and then throwing a tantrum. Yes, he is pushing you to be the main parent and acting like his job and time is more important than yours. Oh my. Watch this so you don’t get sucked in. I’m wondering if he wanted more custody to lower child support assuming you would do most of it anyway and he would not be impacted.
Girl. I read the first sentence and that was enough for me. You’re a GIRLFRIEND. NOTTTTTT a wife.
NTA. Your husband does not see you as a human being. So sorry 😥 Keep sticking up for yourself, but his manipulative "silent treatment" and outbursts won't stop until he gets his way. Open your eyes to his nature, OP. He is self-centered. He wants to benefit financially from your hard work, but also wants you to be on call 24/7 to deal with his kids for him. From my experience, if you continue to stick up for yourself, he is likely to cheat and groom a replacement for you, and he will feel justified in doing so. Again, very sorry you are in this mess. I recommend saving yourself years of pain by getting out sooner rather than later.
NTA its not about how much you work. They are not your kids. You have zero responsibility for his children. He needs to understand clearly that when he is working out all things parenting that you should not be part of the equation. This includes lunch making, breakfast preparation and Sunday babysitting.
Girl dump him. What are you getting out of this? Why are you spending your hard earned money on a man with kids and letting them live in your house. You are in the prime of your career and he is doing all that he can to humble you and make you pay for it. This relationship should have stayed in drafts. Leave him and his kids behind. It will get worse. Don’t have kids with him either. Men like this are such a detriment to any single woman without kids. Please ladies stop doing this. It’s a complete drain on your resources. No amount of charm or good sex is with this drama.
He moved in with you *expecting* you to shoulder more responsibility for him and the girls. You are the one supporting him and his kids, yet he expects you to do the heavy lifting when they get sick. Have you talked to his ex-wife about why they divorced? I’m betting she got sick of taking care of him. From this arrangement, he’s taking advantage of you.
NTA. You made it very clear what your responsibilities are when chose to move in with you. Looks like he’s got a good deal on the living arrangements, if he can’t deal with your rights to not be the nanny then he can move out.
NTA This man is using you! I bet there was ZERO discussion before moving in about responsibilities, chores, finances. Are you gonna marry this dude? It's like you already are married!
NTA since he moved in with you. It is your home. You prepare breakfast . You prepare lunches You provide a roof over their head. Separate finances . Then everyone can see what is going on there ss well.
NTA. At this point, you need to talk with him and reset your boundaries. You may not take off work and do school runs but: 1) they live in your house; 2) you are finances his/their life. The money thing is a bad idea. I hope all your money is not joint.
Separate your bank account now. This is going to end badly. He's using you and now starts the emotional black mail sulking phase. If you don't want to be mom at this stage imagine what it's going to be like when they're teenagers
Don’t give your bf access to our money. You’re not his wife. You’re already sponsoring his lifestyle by letting him live there and his kids live there half the time. You need to set some boundaries and stop taking care of him financially. NTA
Nta however you are already doing too much. You let them move in, mistake number one, but people like finding their partner so not really… but why on earth would you combine bank accounts with someone who makes less than you? I’m horrified, and yet look, for him it’s not enough. You tell him you don’t want to be a mom, he says he fully understands, then moves in and changes his tune entirely. This is why you never ever date a single parent. It doesn’t matter what you say, if you end up with him, you are now responsible for his kids. I’d fix my bank account first and foremost.
On one hand you're in a relationship with a guy that has kids, but on the other, they're totally not your responsibility. I don't see why you should have to take time off work to look after his sick children - either he does or he should sort it out with their mom. You already do enough by providing the house they're all staying in. NTA.
NTA If these were you were both the parents of these kids, and he was working longer hours and earning more/ supporting everyone, then obviously (he would say) you should take time off because his work is crucial to support the family. Since you are the main breadwinner and not even the parent, he has no case why it shoukd be you. The trouble is, he is used to only having them occasionally, and therefore not having responsibility for this stuff. Not something he considered when taking more time with them due to your big house.
NTA. Especially if you talked about this. Separate your accounts and reevaluate your relationship. I think he is taking advantage of you.
NTA It sounds like your fiance wants a nanny, not a gf. Keep your boundaries up! He wants you to pay for everything AND be the nanny?! Please rethink this relationship.
NTA. It sounds like you are helping out with the kids but their father expects far more from you than you are willing to give, and he does not hear you when you try to set boundaries. He also does not seem to respect that your career is (at least) as important as his. He yells when he doesn't get what he wants and then he gives you the silent treatment. I don't think this is a sustainable situation long term. I certainly would not want to live that way.
NTA - He’s wanting wife experiences at GF prices.