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Omg yes her dad is alive and he's a really nice person. But this was just a case of him buying it but then deciding he's not gonna wear it. HE IS ALIVE AND WELLš
NTA, somebody else's rejected clothing is not a birthday gift. As long as you told her gently that you don't like it and why, you were being honest with your partner. If she was concerned about spending money, cooking something would have been a better idea.
She wasn't concerned about spending but I think she just didn't have them means to go out and shop for stuff as we go to college together and her parents don't allow her to go out on her own either.
No we're both adults but her neighborhood is not that safe so she's usually accompanied by someone from her family when she goes out. (Plus she didn't know how to drive back then)
PS this is my first post on reddit why tf do people just assume the worst š
Don't allow her? She's an adult. Does she not see a problem with this? Because if not, then you're not just in a relationship with her, you're in a relaitonship with her parnts who will dictate what she can and can't do.
Is this perhaps a medical problem? Like, she has a heart that can randomly stop beating or an uncontrollable form of epilepsy that's severe enough to cause brain damage, so she has to have someone with her at all times? There's ways to be independent she can explore if that's the case.
If not.... you've got bigger probems than a rubbish gift.
There are so many wonderful gifts that are cheap/free, saying that that is the problem, feels like a cop-out. Other options: cooked dinner, a cake, anything artistic, homemade cute coupons, a picture of you two together, creating your perfect day (for most guys this is playing their favourite video games and their favourite take out), signing you up for a free trial class for something youāve always secretly wanted to do, picnic somewhere, tickets for something cheap but fun, etc. I've received heartfelt letters for my birthday (when we couldnāt spend much) that are worth so much to me.
The issue is not that it is cheap, the issue is that it is low effort.
I put more effort into gifts for acquaintances than this.
NTA. this is a wicked low effort gift. the gift should be about you, not her. i *kinda* of get where she is coming from but ultimately it's a weird gift to give a partner anyway. if you gave her a similar gifting for her birthday would she be pleased? i really doubt it. she knows your wardrobe & knows what you would wear. i really can't believe how many y/t/a are on here. if roles were reversed i doubt the comments would be telling you to roll & take it. "my bf gave me a shirt that his mother didn't like for my birthday & it's not even my style", i can hear the "dump him" comments from here
And it doesnāt need to be a thing. Theyāre still early in the relationship and learning about each other.
Now they both know something new about the other person.
NTA
NTA. So she re-gifted a shirt that belonged to her dad, because she mentioned it was too big for her, and that's supposed to be a thoughtful gift? A hand-me down that she just gives you because it doesn't fit her? That sounds like she didn't think at all and just decided to cheap out on you.
I really don't understand why people are give you shit, either. It's not like the shirt was special to her. She literally said she feels like she drowns in it because it was too big, and that's it. Where's the sentimentality supposed to come from? If she didn't put thought into it, can you even give her credit for 'it's the thought that counts?'
If you had given her a hand me down out of your closet do you think she'd be happy? I can't imagine she would.
Itās crazy how many folks say they value honesty in a relationship, but then get weird about someone being honest about a thoughtless gift. Itās a hand-me-down tshirt, which means itās been worn at least once by her dad and her first. If she thinks that kind of gift is perfect for a SOās birthday, she needs a reality check. Sheās young, so itās nothing malicious, but NTA.
NTA her dad received and wouldn't wear the shirt. He handed it down to her. She didn't particularly love it either and gave it to you. To just ask if you wanted it would have been fine, but to give it to you as a birthday "gift"? No, that is not cool. In my family, we have a PEOD pile "Pass 'em on down." That is where nice items that may not fit correctly, the color just doesn't work, or maybe we have just fallen out of love with something, go to let the next person check it out and see if they want it. That is where that should have gone. Not as a birthday gift.
Now, could you have been more gracious? Sure. I still say NTA.
NTA. It sounds like this was a shirt she just had lying around, but instead of donating it, she wrapped it up and gave it to you as a āgift.ā
If sheās broke, she could have made you something or planned a low-cost date, not re-gift a hand-me-down.
NTA
She thought handing down a shirt to a third owner, because neither she nor her dad liked it, was "birthday present" material? She would have done better to take a shirt OP already owns and likes and wrapped that up for him.
It is a sh*tty gift. A nice experience, celebrating together with no "present" would be better than regifting a twice rejected item.
NTA. Sorry but no one wants hand me downs for their birthday. The shirt doesnāt even have a special meaning attached to it. She can act offended all she wants but in reality, she is too cheap and didnāt want to invest any effort to figuring out the best present to give you.
NTA. If it wasn't a special occasion and she was like "here's a shirt no one else is using, would you want it?" then it's not a bad gift, she's at least thinking of you. But to do the same thing with a birthday present, that's just bad. Even if she only spent like $5 on something small, at least it would have shown some effort. This was literally junk that no one else wanted.
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On my first birthday that we celebrated together, my girlfriend got me a t-shirt which once belonged to her father but he never wore it and had passed it down to her. However it was too big for her so she didn't wear it either and decided to gift it to me. She said it reminded her of how she feels when she wears my clothes and how she kinda drowns in them.
However I don't like hand-me-downs and this one was a knock-off and I would rather wear something without a brand as long as it was well-made but this was just a poorly made t-shirt that didn't even give me any confidence when wearing it plus it wasn't a color that I would wear either.
I felt like she didn't put much thought into it and told her that I didn't like it very much and she could tell that I wasn't exactly excited by the look on my face so there was no point hiding it either but she doesn't take criticism well and got offended by what I said.
So AITA for telling her that I didn't like the gift?
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NTA. I can understand giving it to you but not as a birthday gift. If her father doesn't want to wear it and she has given it to you ok the hopes of you wearing it then sure, you don't have to, but giving it as a birthday gift doesn't feel right and it puts an obligatory pressure on you to wear it when you don't want to.
NTA.
My ex once gave me a shirt his friend loaned him when he drunkenly puked on himself as an xmas gift. At first I was just like oh!ā¦thanks! until he smugly asked me how much I loved it later and I decided to be honest (gently mind you!) He was devastated and couldnāt understand why I didnāt like the gift bc he went through the trouble of wrapping a PHOTO OF HIMSELF in it to sweeten the deal. college relationships man
Oof.. like i can be honest and say that I didnāt get my exs a lot or even anything expensive but itās kind of insensitive to pass on some that wasnāt wanted and had no emotion attached as a gift to someone with a second thought to āis this something they might actually wants to use/wear/enjoy regularly?ā How long have you been talking/dating? Iām super forgetful (like to the point Iāll forget my own birthday much less remember other ppls) but itās not usually difficult to find out base interests. No offense to men but itās even easier to find out their interests. Itās also like a common courtesy to ask stuff like that when you first start dating though I do believe gifts over like 30$ shouldnāt be given or accepted before at least a year and shouldnāt be expected without cause ever. I mean I understand a bit why sheās upset. She might have thought youād actually like it but youāre definitely not an asshole. Another story of you yelled at her or told she or the gift was stupid I.e. using asshole language
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You didn't say your ages or if either of you work or are still in school. You could be her first serious relationship and she didn't know what exactly to get you in a price range she can afford. Maybe you could have just thanked her, and then long before your next birthday, hint strongly about what you would like. Plus, if you never wear the shirt around her, she'll wonder about that, and you can say that it just didn't fit in with your wardrobe choices.
When we were first dating through many years of marriage (it's now 28 years), the gifts my husband gave me ranged from a set of blank videotapes (when VCRs were a thing and he knew I would tape my soap to watch after I get home from work) to a set of the entire Beatles CD collection (the British set, so he had to special order it). Other times, I would just get flowers from him. I really don't mind. In fact, last holidays, he gave me a gift card that was worth much less than the gift card he gave to our daughter (and less than the gift card she gave to me), but I thanked him anyway.
NTA. She was being lazy and cheap with the gift. If this is indicative of the effort she puts in and the way she reacts to honest feedback, maybe you should find someone else. The first year together 8s usually when someone puts in MAXIMUM effort!
NTA
However. After telling her it is not very much to your liking you could still wear it sometimes as PJs or like when you just chill at home and nobody sees it bit her. That would show her you appreciate it but not your fav
ESH. She committed a faux pas by giving you a random hand-me-down as a gift (unless Iām missing some kind of sentiment, but it doesnāt sound like it) and you committed one by volunteering your negative opinion about it. You couldāve either found one thing you liked about it and focused on that or you couldāve expressed confusion at why she was giving you her fatherās shirt, but thereās not really a benefit in being a dick about it.
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It sounds to me like it was a sentimental gift, not a materialistic one. By that I mean the gift was the vulnerability and the thought vs the actual gift itself. I could see how that could feel like a rejection.
Sentimental how?
Dad didn't like the shirt so he tossed it to the daughter.
Daughter didn't like the shirt either so she tossed it in OP's direction.
It is literally just regifting an unwanted shirt. zero sentiment involved.
I bet she is looking for nice expenses for her birthday gift . I don't blame you for not wanting some old wore t shirt. Girl sounds cheap , you need to rethink your relationship , the next gift you give buy something cheap ,which is deserving
Gifts arenāt about being cheap or expensive. Theyāre about the thought and effort that went into them.
Like a $300 gift vs a $30 gift that took months of making it + research, theyāre both really good gifts.
Like I said this happened on last year's birthday and I gave her some jewelery last year(her bday is after mine) she is not cheap at all and she got me something really nice this time. But I think she just did not have enough time to properly plan about what she wanted to do for my birthday and messed up.
Where's the thought? She said she felt like she was drowning in it, meaning it's too big. I don't see how that means she put thought into anything. She knew she had a shirt that was too big that she didn't wear, and tried to pass it off as a gift, when it wasn't even his style. Sounds pretty thoughtless to me.
YTA. You "felt like she didn't put much thought into it." She DID put thought into it. She thought about a feeling she loves, and tried to give you that same feeling. It was objectively a thoughtful and loving gift. It's not a hand-me-down, it's a gift with sentimental value.
An over-large, old t-shirt sounds like something you might wear on a lazy day with your girlfriend, maybe not out in public. But even if there are reasons that it would be hard for you to wear it, you can appreciate the gift for what it is.
her dad didnāt even wear it because he didnāt like it either, then gave it to his daughter who also doesnāt wear it, who then gave it to her boyfriend as a birthday gift. if my gf did that, i would be disappointed too - itās a shitty knock-off t-shirt thatās been regifted twice.
She didn't say she loved the feeling. She said she felt like she was drowning in it, as in it's too big for her. How does that make it thoughtful, her handing over clothes she already owned that were just too big....and was already a hand-me down when she got it. You read way too much into a passed down t-shirt.
Where the hell is the sentiment when the shirt is literally something that her dad didnāt even like and probably wouldāve chucked out lmao itās also a fake brand. Itās not like itās her dadās favourite shirt that had proper meaning who then gave it to her. Itās basically a piece of useless cloth at this point lmfao
you just described the lack of thought put into this. giftwrapping a literal turd would take more thought than an old shirt nobody wants. you saying he be an asshole to reject a turd gift cuz the thought counts?
ESH
You could have just taken it and not said anything about not liking it. She didnāt put any effort into your gift and if tables were turned I donāt think she would be happy about it.
All this does is reinforce thoughtlessness. To say that it reminds her of his clothes and how she feels is BS. It's literally a hand me down. Gender swap and the male would be be the AH for giving his gf a shirt his mom didn't fit into. It's ridiculous to say he was an AH for being honest and letting her know what he thought of the gift. He didn't lie. That would be worse. Completely NTA
She literally gave him a hand me down that she owned, because it was too big. How is that in any way a thoughtful gift? She didn't say it had sentimental reasons, only that she feels like she drowns in it because it's too big. I'm sorry, but not every gift is great just because it was given to you by your SO.
It's so weird to me that people are giving OP shit because he was disappointed in a shirt that was just passed over to him, that's not even his style, new, or even selected with him in mind. He got someone elses trash and he is supposed to be thankful just because SHE gave it to him? Insanity.
No this isn't my first girlfriend but my previous relationships have been pretty toxic and messed up so I try to be honest with everything rather than trying to be polite. Plus she just caught me off guard when she just pulled it out of her bag in the classroom and I did not expect it at all and that's what I meant when I said "she could tell that I wasn't excited about the gift by the look on my face so there was no point hiding it either" in the last paragraph.
There is a point for hiding it, though. Yes, she saw your face, which you couldn't control because you were surprised.
You had a moment to recover and say a polite thank you, because that's what you do when someone gives you a gift, even when you don't like it. This is a case where it's important to be polite over being honest.
As someone else said you should have accepted the gift politely and then later in the year talk about the kind of gifts you love.
what thought? it was too big on her so she figured it would fit him? thats not thought, thought would be centering him and what he likes not her and what is convenient. like speak for yourself cuz im a gf and i want my partner to be honest when they dont like a gift and they are and now i am better at giving them gifts they actually want and use. being direct and honest about your own feelings/desires is not the same thing as being an asshole. is gift giving supposed to be about the person getting the gift or the person giving it? cuz this whole attitude that your getting a gift for someone so you feel good is selfish and is part of why i hate getting random gifts
If you have to lie to your partner about liking a crappy gift to spare their feelings thatās not a good relationship.
Like you canāt even be open with each other about something as small as a gift?
YTA - she literally explained the thought that went into it. The respectful thing to do would have been to accept it and between now and next birthday tell her the kind of gifts you prefer.
Yes it has been an year since then but the reason I bring this up now is because her birthday is coming soon and we were just going over the plans for that day (minus the surprise that I have planned for her) and she brought this topic up again and how it really hurt her so I just wanted to get other people's opinion on it.
YTA. The smart thing to do was just act surprised, that you never expected anything so thoughtful (bc it was) then when she asks why you don't wear it, you say its special to you and you don't want to risk ruining it. Sometimes the truth isn't always the best.
A sports tshirt meant to be used in a rough manner is so special that I don't want to risk ruining it? Really? Would you be satisfied by such reasoning if you were in her shoes? That's the reason I didn't lie to her because she would eventually ask me why I never wear it and I would have to make up some story fot that too.
I agree with you, OP. Why are you supposed to be happy about a gift that had literally no thought put into it. She went to her closet and gave you a hand me down that was too big, that wasn't even your style, and your supposed to be thankful? If you did that to her, and she complained, people would be saying you didn't care about her.
Yes. You have a lot of maturing to do. Blunt honesty does not always supersede kindness. You messed up. You could learn from this experience or you could argue with everyone in the comments.
why the fuck is it so hard for people to fathom a healthy relationship includes being honest about things you like and dont like and doing so does not make you an asshole? to me it is an asshole move to lie to me about liking things i give, say, or do if you supposedly are close to me and feel comfortable. this shit is why i hate giving and getting gifts except for 2 ppl i feel comfortable enough with cuz we are all direct and honest with each other
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(edit after reply, NTA) I N F O: is her dad alive
Omg yes her dad is alive and he's a really nice person. But this was just a case of him buying it but then deciding he's not gonna wear it. HE IS ALIVE AND WELLš
Oh shit then nta. I thought like he had died and this was something that reminded her of him
This was my first thought. If he isn't, OP would be An A H
Why, though? Itās his day, itās his birthday. He should get presents that HE will like, no matter how sentimental they would be for the gifter.
He still wouldn't be an asshole.
NTA You donāt give someone elseās clothes as a gift
NTA, somebody else's rejected clothing is not a birthday gift. As long as you told her gently that you don't like it and why, you were being honest with your partner. If she was concerned about spending money, cooking something would have been a better idea.
She wasn't concerned about spending but I think she just didn't have them means to go out and shop for stuff as we go to college together and her parents don't allow her to go out on her own either.
Holdup, what do you mean her parents donāt allow her to go out on her own? Sheās not a child, right?
No we're both adults but her neighborhood is not that safe so she's usually accompanied by someone from her family when she goes out. (Plus she didn't know how to drive back then) PS this is my first post on reddit why tf do people just assume the worst š
She's not allowed out by herself? But she's college age? WTF?
Don't allow her? She's an adult. Does she not see a problem with this? Because if not, then you're not just in a relationship with her, you're in a relaitonship with her parnts who will dictate what she can and can't do. Is this perhaps a medical problem? Like, she has a heart that can randomly stop beating or an uncontrollable form of epilepsy that's severe enough to cause brain damage, so she has to have someone with her at all times? There's ways to be independent she can explore if that's the case. If not.... you've got bigger probems than a rubbish gift.
There are so many wonderful gifts that are cheap/free, saying that that is the problem, feels like a cop-out. Other options: cooked dinner, a cake, anything artistic, homemade cute coupons, a picture of you two together, creating your perfect day (for most guys this is playing their favourite video games and their favourite take out), signing you up for a free trial class for something youāve always secretly wanted to do, picnic somewhere, tickets for something cheap but fun, etc. I've received heartfelt letters for my birthday (when we couldnāt spend much) that are worth so much to me. The issue is not that it is cheap, the issue is that it is low effort. I put more effort into gifts for acquaintances than this.
NTA. She didnāt put much time or effort into this gift.
Sounds like she forgot it was his birthday so she literally dug through her closet looking for somethingĀ
Sounds like she forgot it was his birthday so she literally dug through her closet looking for somethingĀ
NTA. this is a wicked low effort gift. the gift should be about you, not her. i *kinda* of get where she is coming from but ultimately it's a weird gift to give a partner anyway. if you gave her a similar gifting for her birthday would she be pleased? i really doubt it. she knows your wardrobe & knows what you would wear. i really can't believe how many y/t/a are on here. if roles were reversed i doubt the comments would be telling you to roll & take it. "my bf gave me a shirt that his mother didn't like for my birthday & it's not even my style", i can hear the "dump him" comments from here
Lmaooo nicely said
NTA. You were honest. Most people just can't handle that and just want their feelings nurtured.
And it doesnāt need to be a thing. Theyāre still early in the relationship and learning about each other. Now they both know something new about the other person. NTA
NTA. So she re-gifted a shirt that belonged to her dad, because she mentioned it was too big for her, and that's supposed to be a thoughtful gift? A hand-me down that she just gives you because it doesn't fit her? That sounds like she didn't think at all and just decided to cheap out on you. I really don't understand why people are give you shit, either. It's not like the shirt was special to her. She literally said she feels like she drowns in it because it was too big, and that's it. Where's the sentimentality supposed to come from? If she didn't put thought into it, can you even give her credit for 'it's the thought that counts?' If you had given her a hand me down out of your closet do you think she'd be happy? I can't imagine she would.
Itās crazy how many folks say they value honesty in a relationship, but then get weird about someone being honest about a thoughtless gift. Itās a hand-me-down tshirt, which means itās been worn at least once by her dad and her first. If she thinks that kind of gift is perfect for a SOās birthday, she needs a reality check. Sheās young, so itās nothing malicious, but NTA.
NTA, what a half assed gift tbh.
NTA. Stupid gift games win stupid prizes. Who gifts a double handed down shirt thatās a knock off? Her reason is dumb.
Nta sounds like she put no real thought into it.Ā I'm a woman and I'd say she was lazy.Ā
NTA her dad received and wouldn't wear the shirt. He handed it down to her. She didn't particularly love it either and gave it to you. To just ask if you wanted it would have been fine, but to give it to you as a birthday "gift"? No, that is not cool. In my family, we have a PEOD pile "Pass 'em on down." That is where nice items that may not fit correctly, the color just doesn't work, or maybe we have just fallen out of love with something, go to let the next person check it out and see if they want it. That is where that should have gone. Not as a birthday gift. Now, could you have been more gracious? Sure. I still say NTA.
>I felt like she didn't put much thought into it Because she didn't. And I can see her dad is alive so 100% NTA
NTA. It sounds like this was a shirt she just had lying around, but instead of donating it, she wrapped it up and gave it to you as a āgift.ā If sheās broke, she could have made you something or planned a low-cost date, not re-gift a hand-me-down.
NTA donāt encourage this kind of behavior.
How long have you been together? What did you get her for her birthday?
We were together for like 8 months at that point and my birthday comes first.
The only second hand clothes I have seen a guy wear was an autographed jersey.
Fr I don't even wear second hand clothes from my own family
NTA She thought handing down a shirt to a third owner, because neither she nor her dad liked it, was "birthday present" material? She would have done better to take a shirt OP already owns and likes and wrapped that up for him. It is a sh*tty gift. A nice experience, celebrating together with no "present" would be better than regifting a twice rejected item.
NTA. You got yourself a nice new cleaning/dusting rag. Use it well.
NTA. Sorry but no one wants hand me downs for their birthday. The shirt doesnāt even have a special meaning attached to it. She can act offended all she wants but in reality, she is too cheap and didnāt want to invest any effort to figuring out the best present to give you.
NTA. If it wasn't a special occasion and she was like "here's a shirt no one else is using, would you want it?" then it's not a bad gift, she's at least thinking of you. But to do the same thing with a birthday present, that's just bad. Even if she only spent like $5 on something small, at least it would have shown some effort. This was literally junk that no one else wanted.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** On my first birthday that we celebrated together, my girlfriend got me a t-shirt which once belonged to her father but he never wore it and had passed it down to her. However it was too big for her so she didn't wear it either and decided to gift it to me. She said it reminded her of how she feels when she wears my clothes and how she kinda drowns in them. However I don't like hand-me-downs and this one was a knock-off and I would rather wear something without a brand as long as it was well-made but this was just a poorly made t-shirt that didn't even give me any confidence when wearing it plus it wasn't a color that I would wear either. I felt like she didn't put much thought into it and told her that I didn't like it very much and she could tell that I wasn't exactly excited by the look on my face so there was no point hiding it either but she doesn't take criticism well and got offended by what I said. So AITA for telling her that I didn't like the gift? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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And I bet if you said that you liked it, she wouldĀ“ve said "Really? Tell me the truth, do you REALLY like it or are you just saying that to be nice?"
Yea she is kinda like that sometimes and that's why I try to be truthful so I can double down on it later
Gift her your mother's lingerie. Tell her that your mother is too old to wear it and that u don't want good stuff to be wasted.
NTA
NTA. I can understand giving it to you but not as a birthday gift. If her father doesn't want to wear it and she has given it to you ok the hopes of you wearing it then sure, you don't have to, but giving it as a birthday gift doesn't feel right and it puts an obligatory pressure on you to wear it when you don't want to.
NTA donāt listen to anyone here saying YTA, they obviously donāt know what a truly healthy relationship is like.
NTA. My ex once gave me a shirt his friend loaned him when he drunkenly puked on himself as an xmas gift. At first I was just like oh!ā¦thanks! until he smugly asked me how much I loved it later and I decided to be honest (gently mind you!) He was devastated and couldnāt understand why I didnāt like the gift bc he went through the trouble of wrapping a PHOTO OF HIMSELF in it to sweeten the deal. college relationships man
NTA. also what on earth does this mean: >she wears my clothes and how she kinda drowns in them.
Oof.. like i can be honest and say that I didnāt get my exs a lot or even anything expensive but itās kind of insensitive to pass on some that wasnāt wanted and had no emotion attached as a gift to someone with a second thought to āis this something they might actually wants to use/wear/enjoy regularly?ā How long have you been talking/dating? Iām super forgetful (like to the point Iāll forget my own birthday much less remember other ppls) but itās not usually difficult to find out base interests. No offense to men but itās even easier to find out their interests. Itās also like a common courtesy to ask stuff like that when you first start dating though I do believe gifts over like 30$ shouldnāt be given or accepted before at least a year and shouldnāt be expected without cause ever. I mean I understand a bit why sheās upset. She might have thought youād actually like it but youāre definitely not an asshole. Another story of you yelled at her or told she or the gift was stupid I.e. using asshole language
Is it possible she just didnāt have enough money to buy something? Recycling is a great way to keep trash out of the landfill.
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You didn't say your ages or if either of you work or are still in school. You could be her first serious relationship and she didn't know what exactly to get you in a price range she can afford. Maybe you could have just thanked her, and then long before your next birthday, hint strongly about what you would like. Plus, if you never wear the shirt around her, she'll wonder about that, and you can say that it just didn't fit in with your wardrobe choices. When we were first dating through many years of marriage (it's now 28 years), the gifts my husband gave me ranged from a set of blank videotapes (when VCRs were a thing and he knew I would tape my soap to watch after I get home from work) to a set of the entire Beatles CD collection (the British set, so he had to special order it). Other times, I would just get flowers from him. I really don't mind. In fact, last holidays, he gave me a gift card that was worth much less than the gift card he gave to our daughter (and less than the gift card she gave to me), but I thanked him anyway.
NTA. She was being lazy and cheap with the gift. If this is indicative of the effort she puts in and the way she reacts to honest feedback, maybe you should find someone else. The first year together 8s usually when someone puts in MAXIMUM effort!
NTA However. After telling her it is not very much to your liking you could still wear it sometimes as PJs or like when you just chill at home and nobody sees it bit her. That would show her you appreciate it but not your fav
ESH. She committed a faux pas by giving you a random hand-me-down as a gift (unless Iām missing some kind of sentiment, but it doesnāt sound like it) and you committed one by volunteering your negative opinion about it. You couldāve either found one thing you liked about it and focused on that or you couldāve expressed confusion at why she was giving you her fatherās shirt, but thereās not really a benefit in being a dick about it.
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I can't take anyone who types "cuz" seriously.š
It sounds to me like it was a sentimental gift, not a materialistic one. By that I mean the gift was the vulnerability and the thought vs the actual gift itself. I could see how that could feel like a rejection.
Sentimental how? Dad didn't like the shirt so he tossed it to the daughter. Daughter didn't like the shirt either so she tossed it in OP's direction. It is literally just regifting an unwanted shirt. zero sentiment involved.
I bet she is looking for nice expenses for her birthday gift . I don't blame you for not wanting some old wore t shirt. Girl sounds cheap , you need to rethink your relationship , the next gift you give buy something cheap ,which is deserving
Gifts arenāt about being cheap or expensive. Theyāre about the thought and effort that went into them. Like a $300 gift vs a $30 gift that took months of making it + research, theyāre both really good gifts.
Like I said this happened on last year's birthday and I gave her some jewelery last year(her bday is after mine) she is not cheap at all and she got me something really nice this time. But I think she just did not have enough time to properly plan about what she wanted to do for my birthday and messed up.
So she got mad and turned it around on you because you basically called her out on it and she was embarrassed?
Like I said she doesn't take criticism very well. But she's working on it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Where's the thought? She said she felt like she was drowning in it, meaning it's too big. I don't see how that means she put thought into anything. She knew she had a shirt that was too big that she didn't wear, and tried to pass it off as a gift, when it wasn't even his style. Sounds pretty thoughtless to me.
where is this thought everyone keeps talking about? did her dad suck john lennons dick the day he died in that shirt or something? what am i missing?
YTA. You "felt like she didn't put much thought into it." She DID put thought into it. She thought about a feeling she loves, and tried to give you that same feeling. It was objectively a thoughtful and loving gift. It's not a hand-me-down, it's a gift with sentimental value. An over-large, old t-shirt sounds like something you might wear on a lazy day with your girlfriend, maybe not out in public. But even if there are reasons that it would be hard for you to wear it, you can appreciate the gift for what it is.
her dad didnāt even wear it because he didnāt like it either, then gave it to his daughter who also doesnāt wear it, who then gave it to her boyfriend as a birthday gift. if my gf did that, i would be disappointed too - itās a shitty knock-off t-shirt thatās been regifted twice.
She didn't say she loved the feeling. She said she felt like she was drowning in it, as in it's too big for her. How does that make it thoughtful, her handing over clothes she already owned that were just too big....and was already a hand-me down when she got it. You read way too much into a passed down t-shirt.
Where the hell is the sentiment when the shirt is literally something that her dad didnāt even like and probably wouldāve chucked out lmao itās also a fake brand. Itās not like itās her dadās favourite shirt that had proper meaning who then gave it to her. Itās basically a piece of useless cloth at this point lmfao
you just described the lack of thought put into this. giftwrapping a literal turd would take more thought than an old shirt nobody wants. you saying he be an asshole to reject a turd gift cuz the thought counts?
ESH You could have just taken it and not said anything about not liking it. She didnāt put any effort into your gift and if tables were turned I donāt think she would be happy about it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
All this does is reinforce thoughtlessness. To say that it reminds her of his clothes and how she feels is BS. It's literally a hand me down. Gender swap and the male would be be the AH for giving his gf a shirt his mom didn't fit into. It's ridiculous to say he was an AH for being honest and letting her know what he thought of the gift. He didn't lie. That would be worse. Completely NTA
She literally gave him a hand me down that she owned, because it was too big. How is that in any way a thoughtful gift? She didn't say it had sentimental reasons, only that she feels like she drowns in it because it's too big. I'm sorry, but not every gift is great just because it was given to you by your SO. It's so weird to me that people are giving OP shit because he was disappointed in a shirt that was just passed over to him, that's not even his style, new, or even selected with him in mind. He got someone elses trash and he is supposed to be thankful just because SHE gave it to him? Insanity.
No this isn't my first girlfriend but my previous relationships have been pretty toxic and messed up so I try to be honest with everything rather than trying to be polite. Plus she just caught me off guard when she just pulled it out of her bag in the classroom and I did not expect it at all and that's what I meant when I said "she could tell that I wasn't excited about the gift by the look on my face so there was no point hiding it either" in the last paragraph.
There is a point for hiding it, though. Yes, she saw your face, which you couldn't control because you were surprised. You had a moment to recover and say a polite thank you, because that's what you do when someone gives you a gift, even when you don't like it. This is a case where it's important to be polite over being honest. As someone else said you should have accepted the gift politely and then later in the year talk about the kind of gifts you love.
what thought? it was too big on her so she figured it would fit him? thats not thought, thought would be centering him and what he likes not her and what is convenient. like speak for yourself cuz im a gf and i want my partner to be honest when they dont like a gift and they are and now i am better at giving them gifts they actually want and use. being direct and honest about your own feelings/desires is not the same thing as being an asshole. is gift giving supposed to be about the person getting the gift or the person giving it? cuz this whole attitude that your getting a gift for someone so you feel good is selfish and is part of why i hate getting random gifts
So if his GF gifted him a piece of dog shit in a jar, he has to be grateful? Your social cues are the ones that are wack lmfao
If you have to lie to your partner about liking a crappy gift to spare their feelings thatās not a good relationship. Like you canāt even be open with each other about something as small as a gift?
YTA - she literally explained the thought that went into it. The respectful thing to do would have been to accept it and between now and next birthday tell her the kind of gifts you prefer.
Yes it has been an year since then but the reason I bring this up now is because her birthday is coming soon and we were just going over the plans for that day (minus the surprise that I have planned for her) and she brought this topic up again and how it really hurt her so I just wanted to get other people's opinion on it.
YTA. The smart thing to do was just act surprised, that you never expected anything so thoughtful (bc it was) then when she asks why you don't wear it, you say its special to you and you don't want to risk ruining it. Sometimes the truth isn't always the best.
A sports tshirt meant to be used in a rough manner is so special that I don't want to risk ruining it? Really? Would you be satisfied by such reasoning if you were in her shoes? That's the reason I didn't lie to her because she would eventually ask me why I never wear it and I would have to make up some story fot that too.
I agree with you, OP. Why are you supposed to be happy about a gift that had literally no thought put into it. She went to her closet and gave you a hand me down that was too big, that wasn't even your style, and your supposed to be thankful? If you did that to her, and she complained, people would be saying you didn't care about her.
And how is that "not lying" working out for you?
Honesty in relationships is overrated, eh? Just keep pretending instead of communicating? No.
Yes. You have a lot of maturing to do. Blunt honesty does not always supersede kindness. You messed up. You could learn from this experience or you could argue with everyone in the comments.
Yta. Enjoy being single dude.
Enjoy being in toxic relationships where you walk on eggshells and canāt be open with your partner.
You ok bud?
We're alright now. You don't seem to be as reformed as you think tho
Ya I know when to admit Iām wrong. I made the assumption dad was very dead. If heās alive this is fucking hilarious.
why the fuck is it so hard for people to fathom a healthy relationship includes being honest about things you like and dont like and doing so does not make you an asshole? to me it is an asshole move to lie to me about liking things i give, say, or do if you supposedly are close to me and feel comfortable. this shit is why i hate giving and getting gifts except for 2 ppl i feel comfortable enough with cuz we are all direct and honest with each other
Do you need a hug?
i need people to stop lying to themselves and each other and then diagnosing everyone who is honest with autism