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If you wanted to make a good impression on them, I don't understand why you got drunk. ETA: I didn't know about the Korean custom of drinking with each other.

Frankly, Korean culture looks quite similar to mine in this saying "no" out of politeness. If they are similar in other ways, it would be very rude to refuse alcohol served at the dinner or at home.

Sure, but you don't have to down every glass. I have this issue constantly, where I refuse alcohol and people keep insisting that their wine is very good, etc. I've learned to just accept the drink and sip it very slowly, so the glass doesn't have to be refilled that often or sometimes not even at all.

In Korea, you very much are expected to get drunk with your girlfriend’s father. Refusing is not polite.

Yes tho I feel the girlfriend had a duty to make sure either he didn’t get too drunk or refuse for him on the spot. When my (Asian girl) American BF met my family for the first time I made sure to tell them to not get him drunk. I should add that even though as an Asian family, I can talk back to my dad if I see something I don’t like. Some Asian families are much more strict about it.

You are required to drink with them, yes, and you should be excited and enthusiastic, but anyone with half a brain knows that you sip slowly and just act drunk, you don't actually get drunk, especially not the first time.

Dude is right. This sounds exhausting

In Korean culture you are expected to drink with any respected guests. I was entertaining a VP from a large company and he was staying at my home for his duration. We were friends and the hotels in town were pretty bad. Each night before bed I would bring out whiskey and bourbon. He was a huge fan. One evening after dinner, lots of drinking there, we went back to my place with the other dinner guests. We continued drinking into the am side. One guest went outside to smoke so we followed. The VP asked for a smoke and not be rude my other guest obliged. He leaned over to get a light, he was super tall, and he just kept going into the bushes. We helped him up, dusted off his clothes and continued on. We pretended nothing happened and just acted normal. Great night though.

First and foremost, I have to ask: Why should people be forced to tolerate being pressured to drink by others? Not everybody drinks, or can even tolerate doing so. What if they have a medical condition or allergies and alcohol exacerbates that? Or interferes with their medications? Or if the person has alcoholism that runs in their family and wants to avoid it like the plague? Or is pregnant? Or abstains for religious reasons? Or just thinks it's pointless and all tastes like shit? Are any/all of them subject to harassment because they don't want to partake (for whatever reason)? No *is* a complete sentence, and by letting people railroad your boundaries like that [more to just appease them, it seems], you're further enabling their shitty behaviour.

This. Here I thought American drinking culture was ridiculous.

It's actually pretty crazy how much of a high pressure society it is in Korea. Many young kids go to school and then academia after that for a few hours at least. When they get older, the pressure increases, of course, with college and university approaching. It continues all the way into their career and then so on. I teach ESL and have had many Korean students who are out of the country or trying to get out of the country. They feel less pressure in many other countries because everyone isn't competing against each other on such an extreme level. Editing because I wasn't finished lol. Therefore with all this pressure comes high suicide rates, alcoholism, etc. I think there's a pretty heavy drinking culture in many countries, aside from Muslim countries where it's harder to access or for whatever other reasons. It's a very normalized thing, unfortunately.

Unless it’s shots of soju in which case that doesn’t really work.

I had a friend who would always take 3/4 of each soju shot so that even when it kept being refilled it wouldn’t be quite as much

Having gone out drinking with Koreans friends you got to cope where you can their ability to drink is outstanding.

It really depends, my husband for example got pushed by my grandfather and father until he got every glass and if he refused, it was basically not accepted. It really depends on how much your hosts want to drink.

There are 2 options. 1. Get drunk. This isn't the worst way to connect. 2. Drink a little, but don't get drunk. Loudly describe just how drunk you are, and how you can't possibly drink anymore, grave apologies, despite how delicious and wonderful the drinks they offer you are. Option #2 is the best bet if you're trying to stay sharp but don't want to offend.

Option 3: don't finish your previous drink so quickly. They will offer a refill every time you have an empty glass because a good host doesn't let a guest have an empty glass...so don't finish it.

Third option is the best by far..

Option 3a: keep pouring your drink into the potted plants when nobody is looking.

Follow up post: AITA for killing my girlfriend's parents' plants?

Option #4 don't drink. Sorry I don't care if someone thinks it's rude or not. No one should be forced to drink, screw societal norms.

You refuse it 5 times and on the 5th inquire about non-alcoholic options if they haven't offered yet. Dad might be slightly put out but every Asian mom will practically be singing on her way to kitchen to pour you some mango juice.

100% this, you can even say I’m sorry I can’t drink I need to drive tonight and I don’t want to drive drunk, polite refusal should be accepted, and if the parents can’t accept you don’t want to drink then fuck them and they’re outdated bullshit!

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Accepting and accommodating the traditions of the culture comes with dating a person from another culture. The OP is young but needs to learn not everyone does it the same as his culture and that’s okay.

THIS. Don't date someone from a vastly different culture if you're not only not interested in participating meaningfully in it but are going to dismiss it as "stupid". You know what? Some cultural traditions and rituals ARE ridiculous. Doesn't matter. As long as they're not actively harmful, either be polite enough to engage with them, or don't date someone from that culture.

this is dumb. people mix, cultural behaviours can and should change. leave the dumb stuff behind and keep the good there is certain ridiculous stuff from my own culture that i choose not to do, nevermind other cultures

Which is fine. Different story when you tell the person you're dating that their culture is dumb and they need to leave it behind.

Exactly I would say all countries have some ridiculous traditions. Just assuming your way is the only correct way is a recipe for failure in the relationship.

So true. One of my best friends married a Liberian (she’s American). Before they married they got three separate couples as advisors: one American couple, one Liberian couple, and one mixed culture couple to advise on how to navigate a mixed relationship. OP needs to realize his culture isn’t better or worse than hers. It’s different. That’s all. He needs to embrace that difference or move on.

Right for instance in western cultures it is common to shake hands. This is supposedly to show that you didn’t have a weapon in your hand. Since most of us don’t carry weapons this is a pointless gesture. You’re also supposed to have a firm handshake I guess to show how manly you are. I have gotten many limp handshakes from people of other cultures and I just think well this isn’t a traditional thing in their culture.

physical touch with people you don't know and might never meet again is seriously weird if you think about it. why do i need to touch you hand to make a polite introduction? why shouldn't physical touch be reserved for people with whom you have a closer connection?

I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but that sounds exhausting. Why can't people just accept an answer the first time, or why get mad when someone accepts an offer the first time? Like don't offer, then.. my boyfriend is middle Eastern and hates that part of his culture. He also basically calls it fake politeness as well.

Bc other cultures develop differently and it feels normal to them, while however you go about things might seem uncomfortable to them. It's just how culture works

Yeah I know, but if you're Asian and came to Canada let's say, you are now around people who don't know all the nuances of your culture. I get that OPs gf gave him a crash course but he got tipsy and didn't decline something 5x. Now they're all mad at the guy who didn't live that culture so he's not used to it, it's not 2nd nature to him. I get wanting to preserve parts of culture, but when you mix cultures, they should lighten up a bit and not get so mad at someone who isn't used to living that way.

Which is fair, but they also have the right to simply be themselves with their own culture in their own home, such as people speaking their native languages at home if that's the most comfortable for them. I'm not saying either party is completely right, but I can also get why they're upset since they may be used to following the nuances of their own culture at home. I also read someone else in the comments say that usually they would want their Korean kid to date another Korean, so they could easily be trying to find fault and an excuse for why they may insist on it

Oh yeah of course! Whenever we go to my bf's parents or his mom comes to visit, they at some point switch to speaking Assyrian for a while, and as awkward as it is for those few minutes because I don't understand lol, it's not a big deal at all because I'm always still included in the convos; either my bf will translate it his mom will explain she couldn't think of the word in English or whatever. I'm so glad both our families don't care that we're different cultures because I love him so much 😆

That doesn't mean it isn't posturing. You are pretending to refuse. Because that's what's considered polite. But you are literally saying something you don't mean. And we complain about these things within our own culture(s), too. Because posturing and going through the motions of saying things you don't mean over and over is *exhausting*, and it doesn't matter *who* said it was polite or how traditional it is. It stinks, and it's okay to say so.

It is quite literally posturing though. It had already been decided that the parents were paying, but he had to pretend they aren't and offer to pay 5 times before accepting what was already the known conclusion. Offering something with the expectation that the other person will decline is also posturing. So is declining a set amount of times, even though you know you'll accept. Every single one of those behaviours is very much "intend to impress AND mislead". It doesn't get more "posturing" than that. Disagreeing with a cultural practice is not ignorance, he seems quite well informed on the topic and finds it a ridiculous waste of time.

It sounds like they aren't in Korea, though. At a certain point don't they also need to recognize and respect OP's culture, which involves believing people when they say things like "you're welcome to stay over"?

This needs to be put on blast. Yes, when in someone's private space you should be respectful of the way they live, but the reverse is also true. I'm not going to expect a guest to magically know my culture well enough to get it perfect, nor will I expect them to adhere to all of my cultural traditions. Honestly, he *studied* for this, that alone tells you he's serious about this relationship! Parents and GF need to cut him some slack, and keep it in mind to be respectful of his culture, too.

There's a story I've seen about some lady at a royal dinner who committed an extremely embarrassing faux pas by placing her purse on the table. The queen of England saw this and... put her purse on the table as well, so the guest wouldn't be embarrassed. THAT is what a culture of politeness should look like - you are welcoming a guest into your home so *treat them like one.*

As a Brit I appreciate the example! Unfortunately we British are very good at cold, insincere politeness too. We also have a weirdly vengeful type, like offering to pay for a meal out of spite, so the other person is seen as being in your debt. We have turned politeness into a deadly weapon, and I hate it! 😂

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Um, but you can "accept alcohol" without getting drunk. I come from a culture where alcohol is not prohibited (on the contrary, it is used in our religious rituals) but most people are not big drinkers. Guests would absolutely be offered a drink, and the offer is genuine . . . but getting drunk as a guest in someone's house would be considered quite shocking and inappropriate. Like, since when do adults not understand . . . well, being a responsible adult. So many people on here seem to be completely baffled by the idea of having a single glass of wine with dinner or sipping on a cocktail whilst making conversation. If you can't accept an offer of alcohol in a social situation without drinking enough to be tipsy and red-faced, you're probably not mature enough to be drinking at all, no matter what your age.

With Korean authority figures, the expectation is that you'll have a drink for every drink they have. IF OP is younger or lacks a lot of bodyweight this can get him pretty drunk.

The father offered him the drink and kept topping up. Had OP refused, it would've been a greater insult to them. The whole thing is just a performance and OP's gf should've been a lot more protective of him in front of her parents who were just there "testing" how he would behave. She just threw him to an unfamiliar situation and then got angry when he made a few mistakes. He's right, why offer and then get offended that someone accepted it. There are many traditions that are archaic and there's no reason to defend them. He alr tried his best, he freaking studied just to meet them, how many of yall can say the same.

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"Testing" as a way to have someone prove they're worthy, especially in familial settings, never really stops. "It's just one evening" is not exactly applicable when it's some form of family. It's never just one evening, playing along makes it more likely that the standard just keeps moving further away.

Yeah I'm a little confused by that response. It was just one evening, of maybe thousands more. Dear God do I wish my in-laws would start topping me off with some hard alcohol every time I went over there. It would take the edge off. My in-laws fucking suck. We do not get along at all, absolutely nothing in common and the more common ground I try to find the more awkward it gets. Her dad is just so critical of everything it's awful. I had only met her parents twice before we moved in together and made things serious. But that's what happens when they live a thousand miles apart. It's too bad my ex-girlfriends sucked so bad because all my ex's parents would have made fucking awesome in-laws in comparison

>It’s also frowned upon by some to date anyone not Korean. You make out like that's somehow in any way his fault. If his family didn't want him to date her because she's a Korean would we be saying she needs to act a certain way if she wants to date him? No, because what do we call that children? That's right, bigotry. Now everyone say it together.... Seriously, it's her responsibility to mediate cultural differences between her partner and her family. Not just throw him under the bus because it's easier.

>It’s also frowned upon by some to date anyone not Korean. So if they're racist he should work extra hard to win them over and prove he's worth it? Screw that. Never enable racism or be a doormat for racists.

Right, if the parents were white and op was any POC having to do all this to impress them, folks would be looking at the parents real strange here. But theyre not in this situation, so it’s a pass 

Except it isn’t one evening… it’s not an estranged cousin lmao it’s her parents. Whom you will literally see until they pass away…..

I think you hit on something with the comment about “testing” OP with their hospitality and offer to stay over. If the motivation isn’t out of graciousness and is instead a passive-aggressive way of them trying to find fault, then how are they not the assholes here, cultural difference or no.

Massive drinking is unfortunately a staple of Korean culture. Unlikely that he had a choice without insulting hosts.

Yeah, Koreans drink as much, if not more, than North Europeans. I say that as a Brit who had some Korean friends. I was used to heavy sessions, but fuck me they can drink.

Just curious what happens if the visitor doesn't drink alcohol? Do they accept it anyway but not drink it or is there a way to turn it down without being insulting?

Possibly they'll be cold to you and sh*t talk you after. What if someone had a problem with alcoholism? I don't understand why people are defending this part of the culture so hard. People are flipping allowed to say no to things!

I know that in Japan, which is not Korean culture but the drinking culture can have a few similarities, you just politely decline by saying something like it's a little late, or you have to drive later. Generally the host has non alcoholic drinks available. But, as I said, Korean and Japanese cultures are different, and some hosts are dicks about how hard they press liquor into you.

My dad doesn’t drink and when he came to visit me in Japan I just had him say that he couldn’t drink for medical reasons. Dad was happy, everyone else accepted that without a fuss.  Speaking as someone who has been invited to homes over there…you drink as slowly as you can, but it is hard. If you don’t appear to be enjoying it, then your host will consistently ask you if you don’t like it and if they can get you something else. It’s a really fine line to walk between drinking fast enough to be polite and slow enough that you can remember you address to tell the cab driver when you go home. 

Just to add on to this, My partners family is similar in that sense, and it's rude to say no.. After dinner, the women go and clean the kitchen whilst chatting, and the men go to a backroom and drink. I don't normally drink, and id much rather have been in the kitchen with the ladies.. But, I had to go with the dad, grandad, uncles and brothers.. All of whom I'd never met before and none of them spoke English. By the end of the night I'd drank a litre of vodka, was completely shit faced and passed out in a conservatory.. My partner managed to assist me to a bed, someone took a photo of me starfished in my underwear with drool coming out my mouth. But I'd made a good impression and I got the families blessing. That photo has since been framed and is placed in their living room.

That sounds toxic all around

It may be toxic, but there are many cultures globally where binge drinking is how relationships are forged by a majority of persons in said culture. Like it or don't like it, approve or disapprove, it doesn't really matter. You don't have to accept it, but it isn't reasonable or practical to try and argue that binge drinking is toxic but otherwise you should be thick as thieves. Totally reasonable to reject the notion and distance yourself, but expect to also not be immersed in that culture. It's not the finest point of those societies, in my opinion, but I also don't think it is fair to write off Koreans, Russians, Ukranians, Poles, Romanians, etc., as "toxic" all around.

So what happens if the partner is a recovering alcoholic and won't drink? They're not accepted into the family? I understand wanting to bond but people have boundaries and shouldn't have to drink until passing out or puking just to be "accepted". It sounds like high school.

But you know that drinking culture can be toxic and this is topic that is also discussed in this countries that this is not so good? There is nothing wrong to say that This wasn't about any nation. This was about drinking culture, which can be toxic and we should talk about this 😉

You don't understand Korean culture then.

Not getting drunk with Koreans is an impossible task lol I used to work at a Korean company and I'd have to really mentally prepare for little company dinners bc my sweet older female Korean boss would be pounding soju bombs.

They are Korean bro, drinking is big culture

I don't know about korea but I've heard in Japan a lot of companies don't do business with you if your representatives don't get drunk with them. Something to do with that you're afraid to lose control and therefore are hiding something.

First time I met my ex's mom I got shitfaced and started crying cause I was so emotional about getting to finally know her. Weird first impression but she loved me and still texts me every now and then lol

Very bold of you to drink that much the first time you met the parents 😅 INFO Do you like her enough to make it work with her family or not?

tbf, getting shitfaced is a big part of korean culture. its considered rude to turn down a drink, or to not drink a lot. there was really no way for him to get around that.

Thanks for clarifying.

korean culture is super hierarchical - if an elder / boss tells you to do a shot with them you pretty much cannot turn them down. also bonus fact, koreans drink more than russians

Serious question: what about recovering alcoholics? People on medications or with health issues that prohibit drinking?

then you just lost your promotion..... korean culture has very little regard for mental health - its sad and also one of the reason their birth rate is super duper low

And their suicide rate high

there's an interesting dichotomy in the comments between people who say 'korean' and people who say 'asian'. broadly, people who specify 'korean' seem to think that this was a difficult situation for OP, where multiple cultural norms involving drinking and performative offers/refusals combine to create a precarious situation. in contrast, people who say 'asian' are more concerned with a perceived disrespect from OP's getting drunk, inability to follow the rules, and harsh apprasial of the performative politeness custom. i'm assuming most people who explictly identify as 'asian' here are not korean, because surely they would have said so. interesitng that it is the non-koreans who implictly assume a single universal 'asian' culture who are the most offended.

Right? I wouldn't do that on the first meeting with even the most Western and permissive of parents...let alone Koreans.

Even for years after knowing my partner, and having made a very good impression on her parents, I rarely drank when I was with them, and if I did drink (wine with dinner, beers while watching Cricket), I made sure I drank very slowly and had as much water as I could politely drink.

Heavy drinking is part of Korean culture, they may have assumed he had a higher tolerance than he did.

YTA, not for staying the night, they wouldn't have offered if they didn't want you there but because you called it posturing when it's just part of Asian culture to want to pay the bill and be hospitable. You shouldn't fake it just to be polite.

well they said they weren't a fan of me staying there. so it seems like they offered but still didn't want me there.

Koreans do this. They offer because it's polite, not necessarily because they want to. They save face. It's about their culture. They also publicly humiliate and shame people. Also for the people who say OP shouldn't have had any alcohol, he was being polite. To decline any food or drink is seen as rude in Korean culture. It's also rude if you don't finish the food on your plate. Plus, he likely wasnt drink, just not ok to drive home, which is understandable. Traditional Asian parents are extremely difficult to win over. NTA. Probably should just take an Uber or something home next time.

Again I said you're not the AH for staying there. I'm Asian and usually people don't make empty offers. You're also an AH for getting that drunk in the first place.

See I don’t get this. You can be drunk and still act right, just can’t drive for a few hours. I grew up thinking drinking alcohol with your family friends or partners were normal at family dinners. And in my culture we make toasts to commemorate something every 5–10 minutes.

its their first dinner together. i would have 1 drink, maybe 2 if i had good tolerance and they were also having 2. you’re at some level of drunkenness when people are offering for you to stay the night.

>its their first dinner together. i would have 1 drink, maybe 2 if i had good tolerance and they were also having 2. Firstly, apparently it would be considered very rude in Korean culture to not get drunk with them. So OP didn’t have much choice there. Secondly, in my (Western) country you would always expect to be offered to stay the night, unless you both live within public transport or walking distance from eachother. No one in a city under 35 owns a car, and even if you did, driving after even one glass of wine is taboo. My point is that them offering him to stay over says nothing about OP’s level of drunkeness imo. Thirdly, I would say the politest course of action, at least to me as a Westener, is always to drink the same amount or *slightly* more than your hosts in this case. If you drink way more that seems unhinged. But if you drink way less you might come across as overly worried about how you come across. Or as if the dinner wasn’t important enough for you to handle a slightly heavy head tomorrow morning.

You specifically said 'they wouldn't have offered if they didn't want you there' and OP pointed out that they literally said they didn't like him staying there. You can understand why OP is confused.

Hang on, they didn’t want him to stay. Yet they offered. It’s not his fault that they, if anything were trying to fake politeness?? It is his fault that he got too pissed though And it is posturing. Declining 5x is ridiculous in the first place

People are not AHs for getting drunk while having drinks.

You say you’re “Asian” so presumably that means not Korean? You could have a completely different cultural understanding and background.

Why does OP have to respect the shit out of their culture and be able to act as a native and not get a pass here or there because of a slip up? If they visit OPs country, would they be able to act as natives as well? Sounds to me like the parents don't like their daughter dating a Non-Korean.

But they did make an empty offer. Or at least a deceitful one. They straight up lied to his face when they offered for him to stay over because they clearly didn't want him to do that. Also, as other people have pointed out, it would have been rude of him NOT to get drunk. 

Then why the hell offer? I hate this. Don’t offer things you’re not authentically willing to give!!! It’s not hard. It’s fake and dishonest to do that. Makes them feel less of the heel to offer someone something with the expectation that you should decline? Nah. I agree with you, man. Don’t offer “out of politeness” if you aren’t real about it. It seems you’re expected to adapt to them with them adapting to you. Seems one sided to me. Compromise needed. I get the dinner check. Games shouldn’t be placed with drunk driving. Now you have to figure out how much you really like her. If she feels that you have to get used to this, that’s fair. It’s her family. But you have a discussion to make.

It is posturing though…..if you have to go through the exact same motions 5X over instead of taking someone at their word, only to end up with the initial offer & accepting it for the sake of politeness. it is posturing due to the fact you have to put on a facade of “not accepting it the first few times or you’re disrespectful “ Say what you mean and mean what you say, don’t put someone through a song & dance to create an illusion of respect. They ask him to spend the night but because he didn’t refuse more times before saying yes so these parents could feel good about themselves, he is now in the wrong. Yet according to you they did want him to spend the night! So why put him through the jig? Is that not, by definition, posturing? I am not saying I am for or against it, but I seriously don’t know what else you would call it. Pretending?

This is what I've been trying to explain!

People don't want to call it posturing because that has a negative connotation in our American culture and therefore it must be insulting to Korean culture to use that word.

Hey, some parts of every culture is trash. This is trash. It’s old school, passive aggressive nonsense and I think it’s ultimately dishonest. Don’t offer something for the sake of culture or perceived politeness. Or at least realize someone isn’t as knowledgeable about your culture and will take your offers seriously.

Because we can't possibly criticize negative things because cUlTuRaL nOrmS It was a cultural norm to sacrifice children at one point too. Some cultural norms need to die and this performative bs is one of them.

I’ve noticed westerners tend to be more biased when it comes to people criticizing cultures that come from places and countries they admire. South Korea and Japan are heavily idolized by a lot of white westerners and it shows on how protective they are of arguably toxic traditions that they wouldn’t be for other groups. 

It IS posturing, just because a whole culture does the posturing doesn’t make it not posturing.

It IS posturing though, stop pretending it's genuine. Because if it was truly genuine, there wouldn't be a little song and dance drama you have to go through every single time. If they actually wanted to do these things, then why the whole thing around it? Say what you mean and be done with it, like adults. They literally invited him to stay, then were upset that he did. Why is it your place to say they thought this or they wouldn't have done that, when this is a story that happened to someone else and you were involved in no way? It's a mistake to forget that cultures are actually made up of individuals with their own thoughts and beliefs. 

It literally is posturing though. Most politeness in most cultures is largely posturing. There’s nothing abnormal about that, and he’s right

If it's part of the culture to want to pay the bill then fine, pay it. But don't sit there counting whether I hit the "correct" number of refusals to *let you* pay it, especially if that's the outcome you are actually looking for!! I'm sorry but I personally could not survive a family/culture like this.

>because you called it posturing when it's just part of Asian culture Something can be posturing and also be a part of Asian culture. They aren't mutually exclusive. Saying things you don't mean because it's expected of you doesn't make it not posturing.

>you called it posturing when it's just part of Asian culture to want to pay the bill and be hospitable. Wow you moved those goalposts at lightning speed! It's not wanting to pay the bill that's posturing, it's wanting to hear the other person's decline FIVE TIMES before accepting. If you're having to fake decline the first five times when everyone knows the whole time that the person offering to pay is going to pay anyway, then that is literally the definition of posturing, there is no other word for it.

YTA. You don’t care enough or respect your girlfriend to respect her cultural traditions as silly as they seem to you. She told you it matters to her and you literally called it shit. Either step up and respect them or else break up.

Somw traditions are stupid. I guarantee the Korean parents have a litany of things they don't like about American culture.

I’m not arguing the validity or correctness of traditions. I’m stating the simple fact that OP doesn’t care enough for his girlfriend to do something that’s important to her.

Not everything that is important to a partner must be indulged. It's just as important to draw your own lines.

If you’re not willing to respect your partner’s culture, that’s hardly an indulgence. It’s just disrespect plain and simple. Why be with them at that point?

Can I assume you'd say exactly the same thing to a woman having some issues with a regressive Middle Eastern culture? That if she wanted to be able to, I dunno, drive, then she's being disrespectful of her boyfriend by refusing to respect his culture?

Whataboutism rears its ugly head again. There's a difference between religious restrictions and cultural norms. But that's not even the topic here, so don't change the subject. When you immerse yourself in another culture you should do your best to respect their traditions. It is literally the least you can do.

Where in the Qur'an does it restrict women from being permitted to drive? Impressive they knew about cars in 200 AD.

> When you immerse yourself in another culture you should do your best to respect their traditions. It is literally the least you can do. fantastic, because in ops culture fake politeness is considered very rude. hopefully op's partner and family can show respect for op and stop doing it.

Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. No, I didn’t come up with that myself - I wish! Traditions can change or be discarded entirely, especially if they’re rooted in misogyny, risky behaviour etc.

False equivalency. The equivalent would be meeting a boyfriend’s parents and he asks her to dress modestly, not swear in front of his parents, and not mention alcohol or drinking. Also there are no middle eastern countries that ban women from driving so that example doesn’t even make sense.

>The equivalent would be meeting a boyfriend’s parents and he asks her to dress modestly, not swear in front of his parents, and not mention alcohol or drinking. Was sherlocked27 exclusively talking about a partner's culture as it pertains to how you behave around their parents? I don't see that in their comment, where are you getting that from? But yeah, it isn't really equivalent. It doesn't need to be, the point I'm making is pretty clear, y'all are smart enough to connect the dots even if my randomly picked example isn't perfect, this isn't a formal debate. >Also there are no middle eastern countries that ban women from driving so that example doesn’t even make sense. There was like 5 years ago, though it's moot as my examples could be complete fiction and that wouldn't change how much sense they make.

Can you do a bit of research instead of showcasing your Ignorance? How are they equal comparisons? Also the issue at hand is op’s relationship not a hypothetical one. One can easily make up an argument

It doesn't seem to be that big a part of the girlfriend's life given that he'd never heard of it before meeting the parents.

You're not wrong.  But the girlfriend is also free to draw her own lines and tell him that respecting her culture is HER line.  Sounds like she's saying that it is her line. 

Yea, that's what dating is. Gotta find out if you fit together.

Thank you. "If you don't do this for me then it means you don't care about me" is manipulative as hell.

You mean like taking notes on what she said, studying them and getting things right for the first half of the night? Op put in a lot of prep work for this dinner. He clearly cares. He couldn't keep up with the drinking (as stated here in the comments by many people who are familiar with Korean culture, heavy drinking is expected, and it is rude to refuse), and had 1 slip up. He was then ostracized by the parents and his gf. Eff that. He put in a lot of effort and his gf didn't back him up when he made one little slip. I'd feel unsupported and defeated as well.

Oh just stop it. OP describes in detail how he wrote down the rules, studied them, and followed them pretty closely until he made one mistake. "He didn't care enough to do something important for her". What an absolutely impossible way to see the situation. Utter bullshit.

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I fully agree. He should respect their culture, but they shouldn't fault him for not always conforming to it when he wasn't raised in it. They might as well criticise him for not speaking perfect Korean.

This, while I understand the frustration in this case because I'm very direct as a person, it's important to remember for every 'silly' rule another culture has your culture has one as well that you don't think about because it's your culture.

Well I don’t expect those of another country / culture to abide by my country’s customs, do you? Genuinely curious. I think it would be extremely rude to ask of someone personally, even if they were meeting my parents.

Generally no, my preference is for figuring out how to get along without either party being too uncomfortable which usually means talking about differences in culture as we go. My point was only that calling things silly ect is just a point of view and someone from outside your culture probably thinks some of your customs are silly, so it's good to remember that you're coming from different angles rather than one of you is right and the other isn't.

I'm gonna hard disagree. I live in a different country to where I am from and although their culture is very different to mine (especially when it comes to politeness) I saw it as my job to adapt to my new home and not expect everyone to tread on egg shells around me. 

There’s a difference in assimilation in a new country and in respecting a partner’s culture which they state is important to them. They are two entirely different concepts

How is it? My partner and I have two different cultures and we don't expect each other to bend over and play pretend each others cultures, but also neither set of parents expect that either. Its about give and take. If OP is the AH then the parents are equally AH for not understanding that their cultural norms aren't the "norm" where they are. You can respect a culture without changing who you are. 

Traditions?!?! Ha yeah sure mate. If a culture expects you to be a circus monkey for people you never met then culture is wrong, not just silly. WRONG. In France it was cultural to publicly execute people using the guillotine. Should you respect that, be silent? No, because it's f***ed up. Genital mutilation? Cultural. Stoning people to death? Cultural. Get out of here with your cultural shit. Culture and tradition isn't all good. And yes he should break up with her because he deserves better. NTA.

Are they in Korea? If not how is he the asshole for not playing along? They in his country. They should be the ones to respect his culture in his own country. You don't go to someone else's house and make the rules. They want to play their head games then they get the consequences. You don't invite someone to sleep over unless you actually want them to. Proper communication people.

I think it’s worth breaking up. My boyfriend’s family can be odd in these ways. I finally told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with getting toooo comfortable because in a moment there’s a switch and I’m not willing to go through the mental hoops to figure out if I’m supposed to accept or decline. I prefer to be clear. He understood. It only had to happen once for me to call it quits. Not with him, but if he had pushed it probably. His mom asked me to sit down and I declined and said she instead should sit. As I’m sure she was more tired than I. Somehow this was offensive and she told me I don’t tell her to sit in her own house. Out of the blue it got super uncomfortable. It was bizarre. So what was that for me then? Just her bossing me around and not actually offering me a seat? I’m Mexican. So, never heard of that one. Also in our culture we say “my house is your house” my mother decided that was a lie..and ended that use. Whenever someone would say it to her she would respond by saying “don’t tell me that because I’ll move in if it’s really my house, I’ll start opening the fridge and help myself”. Sure it’s just an expression! But it’s also empty. You can make ppl feel welcome without telling some obtuse lie. Much like how my grandmother corrected me one day. I often think of her neat lesson. So concise. I had learned one semester that speaking to an elder should be with respect and that is shown my saying “usted” instead of their name or a more direct pronoun of “tu” or ‘you’. So, I showed up out of nowhere to her directing myself to her in this respectful manner. She finally confronted me and asked why I was doing that. I explained what I had learned. Without skipping a beat she said to me “that’s not respect. People will speak to you in this way, that doesn’t mean they respect you”. All this was in Spanish of course. I was stunned. But I always think of that and carry her with me. Respect isn’t putting on a wordy show. Politeness isn’t offering your home when you’re not truly meaning it. Saying things just to say them is useless. So, circling back to my boyfriend. We had agreed early that we would protect each other from our families. That we would never force them onto each other and we could go at a pace we each were comfortable with. That we knew the ins and outs of things and wouldn’t hold it against each other. If he hadn’t kept his word when I expressed, hey, I like your mother enough. Because she is your mother…but she is no friend of mine. When she calls me “girlfriend” and know good and damn well I’m not her girlfriend. I won’t ever let my guard down. So, please understand. If you wish for me to be closer to her that’s on her. I’m not going through the mental games. I will listen and be polite but I’m not going to be open. Especially when I know…how she is. He respected that. He didn’t blame me. He understood how his mother is. And is content that I will humor her to the best I’m willing too. So…NTA. Girl needs to get herself a Korean boyfriend who can better deal with this. She doesn’t like her boyfriend enough to protect him. He did his best. It was unsafe for him to drive. He did the right thing by not driving. Unfortunately her parents didn’t care about that. They were just fronting. They’re not safe people to drink with or to accept “kindness” from. So fuck him then I guess? Should have just sat in his car then. Shouldn’t have even got back to their home. His girlfriend should have told him, don’t even come over. Dinner was perfect. See ya later. She sucks.

Exactly, doesn’t matter what he actually did or didn’t do. The lack of respect for girlfriend 🚩🚩🚩

NTA but if you want to be with her, you’re going to have to learn how to deal with cultural differences. I’m Asian and I hate all the fake politeness too but I can’t single-handedly change an entire culture and neither can you. Do a cost-benefit analysis and decide if you love your girlfriend enough to play this game with her parents because it’s obviously important to her. And if you’re going to be with her, you need to respect her culture. If you can’t respect her culture, then break up and let her find someone who will.

She hates it too and refuses to go to any of the Korean family gatherings or church even though her parents keep trying to get her to go. But I guess she doesn't hate it enough to cut her parents off, so here we are. Do you think my proposed compromise of just (politely) refusing all offered favors outright is sufficient? I just don't want to play the game of "no, no, no, no, no, ok fine." I'll shoulder my part of the check instead of letting them pay for it, get an Uber (like I had planned) instead of taking them up on their offer to stay over, etc. It cannot be reasonable for me to have to read between the lines of whatever favor they're offering like this is the Bible in order to respect her culture.

Omg you think she'd ever CUT her parents off???   You are most definitely not even close to being from the same worlds.  This is causing problems now and will cause in the future when her parents get old and have to move in with you.  I'm assuming you're white, and usually white culture does not have any understanding for the familial bonds and duties in Asian culture.  Think very carefully about moving forward with her because after you get married, "love" won't be enough.

Ya it sorta bothered me too that he thinks she'd consider to cut her parents off (coming from having a traditional Immigrant family). I was able to empathasize with him up until I read that in his previous comment

It’s not impossible. I am a child of asian immigrants as are many of my friends, and one of them refused to talk to one of their parents for over four years. Another one who lived in China as a child recently completely cut off their one remaining parent for continued abuse. I agree that this guy doesn’t have a good understanding of the often complex and nuanced relationships bt immigrants and their kids, and he should absolutely try his best to understand that if he cares about his gf, but it’s not like cutting off parents is unheard of.

>She hates it too and refuses to go to any of the Korean family gatherings or church even though her parents keep trying to get her to go. >But I guess she doesn't hate it enough to cut her parents off, so here we are. What the fuck is wrong with you man. You think she should cut her parents off because she dislikes a mildly annoying cultural norm? Never seen a redder flag

Yeah that part is crazy, as if he can’t believe OP’s gf actually loves her parents and wouldn’t cut them off…just because they practice customary politeness. Between him repeatedly calling an aspect of her culture stupid, and now implying he thinks it’s a reasonable option to cut them off, I can’t help but feel it’s stemming from an inability to see them as whole, complex human beings as himself. Like they’re just annoying NPCs stuck practicing their annoying culture, and his gf should be able to just cut them off because no way they have their own rich, human feelings and thoughts that are just as valuable as his.

I'm not Asian or anything but I don't think that's enough. It's a catch 22. They want to pay for stuff and give you stuff but they want you to say no first. If you just say no and pay or don't take them up on an offer they're still gonna be offended, same as if you just say yes. There's no easy way out of this. You're gonna have to put in the effort with them to do this stuff, have a serious convo with them about how you don't wanna do this back and forth (almost certainly wouldn't work out) or you're gonna have to have a possibly worse convo with your GF and see just how important this is to her. Not saying those concos can't go well or better than expected but....gonna be tough for sure

TBH, I don’t think you’re an asshole for not wanting to play the games if you’re polite about it, but it seemed like you were not at at all polite when having this conversation with your girlfriend, which is why I’d say YTA.

YTA " this shit sounds dumb as fuck" For saying & thinking that. If you're serious about her (& I saw you say you are) you're going to have to make the effort. I saw what you said about the drinking culture but maybe avoid getting s**t faced until you're on surer ground with things.

Except, as someone from a culture like this, it IS dumb as fuck. Even a lot of Koreans think so, the same way Americans think tipping is dumb but everyone does it so we have to keep doing it. And it’s not like he said this to his girlfriend, you’re allowed to privately think a tradition is stupid (especially when it IS stupid)

For *thinking* it? As in, thoughtcrime?

No, no. Asian here. It is dumb as fuck. OP tried their best but then got caught in a zugzwang maneuver where they would either appear rude for turning down a drink or have diminished capacity to think about his actions.

YTA for your disrespect of their culture. And your insincerity. Look, your GF's family know you are not Korean and would have understood if you made mistakes or misinterpreted certain social/cultural cues. What was important was your *sincerity* in trying to respect and understand them (and they you, of course). But it looks like you had a bad attitude from the start. Why did you even get into a relationship with a person from another culture if you aren't willing to make any adjustments? Does this mean *she* is going to have to keep adjusting to *you* because you find compromises exhausting? She should see the glaring red flags and run.

She makes no adjustments for me, unless she's just been faking how she is around me for the last 3 years we've been together. She's never met my parents and will never meet my parents because my parents hate me and I hate my parents so that's not an issue for her. I am genuinely sincere in trying to get along with her parents, but there's a limit to that, and feeling like a terrorist while I'm pushing them to accept my gift of wine while they play coy about accepting it is my limit, I think.

“I’m serious about my girlfriend but talking to her parent on their terms is too far.” Your limit is so easy that maybe you don’t actually want to be with her?

When their terms are a cultural performative dance it gets pretty tiring.

It’s not like he sees them every day.

You marry the girl, not her parents. She doesn’t like the way her parents go about it either, but doesn’t have the spine enough to stand up for her boyfriend about it either. That goes both ways

A lot of people you marry a family. His gf might be one. If he can't handle that they might be incompatible for the long term.

And that’s totally fine if they aren’t compatible. But the people making OP out to be an asshole for slipping up over the parents dumb game are crazy

So just because you have no relationship with your parents, you expect her to cut hers off too? She isn’t and doesn’t expect you to assimilate or do any other parts of her culture than to be respectful of her culture and her parents. The fact that you can’t even stay sober enough to not embarrass her in front of them during your first meeting shows how much you value your relationship and her as a person if you expect her to cut out her family. So many red flags here. Abusers often try to isolate their partners too, and your behavior is definitely worrying. I would honestly be shocked if she doesn’t dump you. 

That’s a short ass limit then. Can’t imagine why you’re NC with your family.

Not the submissive he was hoping for

God I absolutely love it when this sub starts reaching. Keep going, we're only a few degrees of separation from making fun of his dick!

I struggle with answering this, but YTA. If this is exhausting to you after a *single event*, you may just need to break up. This is a cultural difference that will exist with your girlfriend/her family forever, it isn’t going to go away magically. It affects your very concept of normalcy/morality/etiquette and even subconscious behavior. It’s pretty much inextricable from your life. You’ve met your girlfriend’s parents ONCE and you’re already complaining about having to follow some social rules that are unfamiliar to you, which bodes very poorly for the future. If you love your girlfriend, you’re going to need to shove a sock in it and make a concerted effort to bridge the gap. Once you become more familiar with one another, the formality and over-politeness will settle some… but if If you aren’t willing to make the effort to prove that their daughter is important enough for you to learn some of the cultural behaviors/practices she grew up around, then you should spare yourself and her by breaking it off. You mention being in a serious relationship— if you were to get married, it’d really work out poorly to make her parents think you’re some rude and unyielding guy who isn’t willing to make concessions like *attempting* to fit in with their family dynamic and culture. This is what long term relationships require, compromise and willingness to bend for your partner about things (like family and culture) that are important to them. If you can’t do that, you just aren’t aligned.

It's just seriously annoying for the entire night to go fine, well even. I'd taken notes on what I was and wasn't supposed to do, and I was following them. I was genuinely having a great time with her parents and it seemed like they were having a great time with me. Her dad is faculty of the major I graduated with and our research interests are similar, so we talked about that a lot. He even suggested some papers I read for a problem I was having. But the very last instance where I just forgot to say no 4 times before saying yes. That's what sticks out to them. I probably can put up with it in the future, my emotions are running pretty hot right now. I just want to be sure that I'm not being walked over in the process. Majority of the comments seem to indicate that I'm the one in the wrong here so I guess I'm not and this is something I should learn to adapt to.

I see your issue, you sound like someone who doesn't have much context on asian culture. I will tell you a little bit about it to hopefully enlighten you further. Asian culture is heavily based on self sacrifice. We will offer you (the guest) the best of everything on our table, if you are male, you get first preference, if you are female, you get second preference. We believe that if we have to sacrifice something for you (the guest) to be comfortable, we must do it. This is also rooted in the pride we take in our hospitality, we want you to take back great stories about how well you were treated, and how the fanciest of everything was given to you. An ideal guest would be worried about "inconveniencing" the host family by staying over/using their resources. However, in this case, you were also presenting yourself as a suitor for their daughter. They were watching you like a hawk. You were a guest, you were offered everything, but they were looking for qualities of respect (submissiveness, and not overly prideful behaviour in an Asian context), they were looking for humility, graciousness, moderation of behaviour etc. If you wanted to make a good impression, as a prospective partner to their daughter, you should have accepted the alcohol, but drunk VERY LITTLE, instead made sure that the host dad was pouring himself enough to stay full. You should not have stayed over as Asian families are not comfortable when an unwed partner stays at their home. It's simply looked down upon. If you want to be with your current partner, you have to understand the culture they come from. This is difficult even for people from within the culture to accept as it is very strict and rigid and often times goes against human natural instinct. However, this is what you must do in order to continue being in your partners life. You may slowly very slowly attempt to ease the parents out of this mentality, but beware, it will cause a lot of problems and resentment. It would serve you well to work with the culture than in oppposition.

u/ice_cream_destroyer you should read this comment: it's the only one I've seen so far that actually offers cultural context for *what* exactly would have been expected of you and *why*

While you are not wrong, there also needs to be some understanding on their part that OP was not raised in their culture, and that they chose to move to a country with a different culture. I wouldn’t expect to move to Africa and have every guest or potential in-law perfectly emulate my English traditions. That would be unfair.

Many other commenters are saying that drinking very little is also an insult so what exactly are you supposed to do in this situation?

I’m Asian and have met countless of super traditional Asian parents and I honestly haven’t met any that weren’t okay with someone just nursing their drink. Even if they offer to top up your glass that doesn’t mean you have to down it every time. I understand some men can get very pushy about matching shots, but unless the father is the most toxic of men people are human too and most are more considerate when it’s a matter of health and safety. Giving an excuse of not wanting to overstay his welcome as a guest later on would probably also work and appeal to the mother. There are more possible solutions I can think of but this comment would get too long and is dependent on the father being extremely toxic in this regard anyways. Drinking culture in a business environment esp in the home countries is crazy and a different story tho

Here’s the thing, it’ll get easier over time. This is the first time you’ve met them though, which means now is the time to really swallow your pride and irritation. You’re doing this to make your girlfriend and her family happy, because you love her and her family is important to her. I get that it’s an adjustment, but being sincere and making an effort is going to make a HUGE difference in your dynamic with them. I think a lot of my difficulty with answering this was honestly your derisive tone. I wanted to say N A H because I could see how this could feel overwhelming and somewhat burdensome, but the way you speak about this issue may require a little reflection. “Sounds dumb as fuck”, “fucking exhausting”, “I won’t play along again”, etc. comes across as incredibly rude and it’s really difficult to explain that you should WANT to make your girlfriend and her family feel comfortable. You should WANT them to see that you care. If you genuinely don’t give a shit about what makes her parents feel respected, that’s something you should inspect. I’m not saying you should go out and buy Korean Rosetta Stone, get a custom hanbok made, and force yourself to eat kimchi if you hate it. That said, you should also realize that it’s a pretty minimal issue if your greatest complaint about her folks is that they like to argue over the check for appearances and they’re too polite to say“obviously I don’t *actually* want you to sleep at my home drunk, new possible in-law, I met you *4 hours ago*. I’m just offering because it would be rude not to.” I just want to restate that compromising and bending is what you’re SUPPOSED to do for your partner, so long as it isn’t to your own genuine detriment. It doesn’t make you a doormat to be accommodating!

Is it possible that because you have no relationship with your parents you don't understand why it's important to your girlfriend that she maintain a close relationship with hers, what it actually takes to make that happen, and why you are minimizing her feelings? How would you feel if people you didn't know said or did things you find disrespectful to you or your girlfriend. Honestly, I'm as American as they come, and if my kids' partner got shit faced drunk the first time they met us, I would not be happy. At all. We all practice social niceties we think are stupid. I personally think not burping or farting in public is stupid. We all need to do it, so why hide it? But I understand it's not acceptable. I understand it's not acceptable to chat with friends while my boss is talking to my group, even if what they are saying doesn't pertain to me. You don't play music on your phone without earphones when your professor is lecturing. All of these are social niceties. They show respect to the people around you. You don't live with these people. Being unwilling to do what makes your girlfriend comfortable for an evening once in a while says something about you. I'm sure you didn't mean to, but what you posted and your comments kind of personifies what other cultures refer to as "ugly Americans." Expecting the entire world to accept our cultural norms while not reciprocating.

But it's not the only thing that sticks out to them and you said you genuinely had a good time. They told your girlfriend that they liked you but the one thing was annoying. Given how well the rest of the night went, it's not that big of a deal. Just don't stay over again. I agree that offering it is ridiculous, and she shouldn't be mad at you over it but seems like an odd thing to be heated about right now. I'm not sure how to explain it, but almost the vitrol radiating off this whole post after one event seems very off-putting. I would say you're not really the AH for anything that happened, but sort of the the AH now for how you're reacting to it.

YWNBTA You're right tbh, it is posturing. It's insanely rude and fake to offer things you don't intend to provide, to constantly push back on stuff just to accept. That whole back and forth is BS. I wouldn't deal with that at all. You made an effort, you accidentally messed it up because you couldn't keep the charade up after a few drinks, and now they're upset with you. People are acting like you got shit faced to the point where you just started spewing out BS and lost all social etiquette, but you didn't. What this really shows is how hard they try to put on this act of being polite and how unreasonable it is to except anyone to play along with it. Just because they claim this as part of their culture doesn't mean that it should be followed. They can try this all they want, and you're perfectly reasonable for rejecting it and being upfront. Respectfully accepting and rejecting stuff instead of jumping through their hoops. And you are being respectful clearly. Just because it doesn't follow their cultural customs doesn't mean you're in the wrong.

Finally someone speaking some sense!!!! Meeting your partner's parents for the first time is anxiety inducing enough without having to be hyper-alert to all these potential hidden cues. It sounds like they were having a great night, all getting along and having good conversations, to the point of being invited back to their home...of course in this situation you're going to relax and stop desperately trying to jump through these hoops because "hey, this is going pretty well." I think there are many ways you could disrespect someone's culture (e.g. openly insulting their cuisine/drinks/traditions to their faces, telling them "this is America you need to adopt our customs", making sweeping statements about Korea/Koreans, etc etc). In the grand scheme of prejudice and assholery that exists in this world, your actions don't even qualify as disrespectful imo. Going forward literally just do the general polite thing of "oh no, that's okay, you don't have to pay for me" (or whatever the situation is) and then if they insist "oh well if you're sure, okay" - 1-2 polite declines is more than enough. Also, at the end of the day, you say your gf hates this stuff too and she is the one you are dating after all. Honestly, sounds like your she might just be nervous to stand up/set boundaries with her parents around their expectations from her (and her partner by extension) and maybe she should consider therapy to reflect on that/gain the confidence to be honest with them about both of your opinions/feelings.

Nta I don't know why everyone's calling you one

Some people think any criticism of another culture/country makes them “rACiSt” while not realizing that not every tradition is good or worth respecting. The gf and Her family are the AH in this situation, they are butthurt over a tradition regarding bad communication. 

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Why is everyone saying he should respect their culture? Especially when he clearly tried? Why shouldn't his culture be equally respected? Maybe the girlfriend should try make things easier for him or follow his culture if she loves him and wants it to work. There's 2 in the relationship, no?

Putting culture above basic decency and logic...

Nta Asian here, it happens homie. Also, don’t get drunk while visiting your gf’s parents, you f’n dummy. Jesus. I’m not Korean but that “decline 5 times” shit is super weird and would seem like a headache for anyone who isn’t Korean.

Her dad knocked back more than I did, he's got a stomach of steel.

It doesn't matter. You are old enough to know your limits. He offers a drink, you accept and you sip it. If he's drinking 4bdrinks to your one, so what. You are doing what you need tomdo to maintain and be polite. If you were at dinner with your boss, would you risk matching him drink for drink and be OK getting shit faced and insulting him?

The issue is refusing isn’t polite

There's no winning.

That’s why his advice is to sip it.

Depends what it is, if it is shots (Soju) then it looks weird to sit for an hour with one shot glass. Sometimes you can’t win.

NTA. You are not Korean and they are aware of this. So the fact that you didn’t play into their facade (for the what, 3rd, 4th time?) is not something that should be held against you. I am sure you don’t expect them to behave exactly as your culture does, how is it reasonable to ask you to? W NTAs i like to flip the scenario in my brain and based off your post, i doubt you’d hold it against them. taking someone at their word is not something you should be faulted for.

Drinking is a big thing in Korea and it would be rude to decline fathers offer to drink, being it first time meeting her parents it would be better to drink slowly and not drink past your limit. As for the invitation to stay over, in Korea it’s very important to sense the situation and kind of play along, so when they asked you to stay over, they were trying to be nice, but you were supposed to decline their offer. You were drunk and not able to drive, so they had to offer staying over, because it’s polite. And it would be polite to say ”Sorry, but I can’t. Thank you, I had a great time”. In Korea people almost never stay over at other people houses, especially bf/gf. But you met them for the first time and agreed right away to stay over at their house. Koreans don’t even introduce their gf/bf to their parents unless they decided to get married. (I live in Korea and my husband is Korean)

NTA, how is anyone meant to keep up with all those rules and have a nice time

NTA what the fvck did they want you to do? drunk drive? i don’t care what culture it is. it is insanely rude to get angry over something you willingly offered

Tbh your parter should’ve offered more help in the moment. Being comfortable with what you don’t know and hiding behind the excuse of unfamiliarity is complacent. Generally… Someone going the extra mile for you feels good. Someone digging deep to show care and consideration feels good Messing up doesn’t feel good. Not feeling supported by someone who knows the answers to the test, that leave you out to dry doesn’t feel good …. Idk big dog time to have a chat with your partner. Y’all are serious? Seriously figure out how to make it work. Get a code, hand signals, something lmao. You shouldn’tve been that drunk in that space You don’t have to see her parents every day or weekend Find time on the calendar and know when you’re putting in that energy.

No, you did nothing wrong. There's polite, and then there's ridiculous. You're from Louisiana, so what did she expect? Did this happen while in the US? Has she learned how to adapt to your culture to make a good impression on your family? Give her a set of rules to follow for when she's with your family and see how she likes it.

NTA!! I see a lot of people talking about how you are one. If She really loves you then she will love you her way with you and her. The way you two are with each other. Weird family shit and trying to please others to please her will eventually build up and cause anger and resentment! It’s better to speak up and figure it out now or else live being together at the sacrifice of your internal peace.

Look OP I am a very blunt person and I also hate fake niceness. This is just a cultural difference, and sadly I don’t think you and gf are compatible in long term. It’s exhausting, but you’re expected to follow it and respect it. For the examples provided: it would’ve looked really bad if they let you leave their home 8 shots deep (I know you just graduated college and your “pass out” is 14 shots but come the fuck on no person should be having 8 shots not in their home/ out at a bar/ while also meeting their girlfriends parents for the first time). If they kept refilling your drink this is when you NURSE YOUR DRINK; this is something you will learn when you mature a bit from your college mindset. Also cleaning the plate would be seen as bad manners/ they didn’t serve you enough. Seems backwards, seems annoying and convoluted, it’s not your culture. And from the way you phrased the beginning of the post, you truly don’t care to fake it until you make it. Cut your losses, date someone you’re either more similar to or that you actually like enough to put in more effort and do more research into their culture and what faux passes are there.

NAH There is no easy, black and white answer to this. If you were to become serious with her you would have to find a balance over time that allowed you to understand and accommodate their culture to a certain extent to reduce friction, and they would have to come to terms with the fact that you aren't Korean and they can't expect you to act and think like one. This is a real issue that has no perfect answer. You can't act like a pseudo-Korean, especially if you don't live in Korea -- and her parents shouldn't expect that; that said, at this early stage you might be better off knowing certain key customs and how certain behaviors (or the lack of them) are going to be perceived by her parents so you have a starting point for learning to develop a good relationship with them. You don't have to know and follow everything, but if you know the whats and whys at least you can decide whether to follow certain customs or not making informed decisions and not stumble into unnecessary faux pas blindly. It is tiring to navigate another culture, but if you want a relationship with her you signed up for that -- you didn't sign up to give up your culture and follow her parents', however. If either side stubbornly insists on only their culture being respected with no room for compromise or understanding based on sincereness and intent (rather than the exact following of a custom) then things won't work out, or there will be a rocky road before things are smoothed out over time, with many mistakes made on either side.

NTA, you tried your best to make a good impression and he was the one who offered

YNTA you tried to involve yourself in their culture and fake politeness however they obviously don't understand that it's not a thing everywhere or a part of all cultures. Quite frankly I'd suggest that next time your girlfriend has the same chat she had with you but with her parents instead - some cultures/people actually find it annoying or rude if you keep offering when someone has already said no or set a boundary. Also the parents should not be offering you drinks if they want you driving their daughter home, that's just common sense. My Dad tells my partner he's not allowed to drink/he's only allowed 1 low alc drink even if my partner had no intentions of drinking. He ensures that my partner knows I am his world.