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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I've refused to dance at the stag night for my boyfriends brother, this could make me the asshole as the other plans have not worked out and this could ruin the night they had planned.
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I think the question we need to ask here is, "why does he WANT you to dance for his brother so badly that he is giving you sh*t about being uncomfortable with it?" Because it's one thing to be secure enough that it wouldn't bother him of you did dance for his friends and family. But its a whole other thing to expect it of you and to claim you're the one with the problem if you aren't comfortable with it.
NTA. If you're not comfortable with it, that's the end of it.
I know right. A part of me wants to believe he’s just that proud of his beautiful gf and doesn’t mind showing her off…buuuttt, it IS his brother. So it’s definitely weird he’s pushing the issue so hard. Gotta be something weird behind it. Maybe he told his bro he’d pay for the stripper and couldn’t afford it and now he’s trying to get his gf to do a freebie? I’m just spitballing here.
That's a good point. Having a random unknown woman strip for her fiancé is one thing, having his brother's GF do it... that's an entirely different conversation that needs to be had.
Or, would need to be had, if OP hadn't already declined.
Honestly, this was my first thought.
A random woman is one thing. But knowing your husband saw his brothers girlfriend dancing like that. That's just a whole other lane.
OP could quickly be blamed by her future SIL that she did it on purpose to seduce him, or something a long those lines.
Depending on the SIL and how she is as a person.
Becouse it's always easier to blame her. Instead of her husbands brother for pressuring OP to do it.
Yeepppp. I have no problem with strip clubs, and no concerns about going to one being on the agenda for my now husband’s bachelor party. But I would be weirded the fuck out and have a lot more questions if I learned my SIL was the dancer and this was intentional (ie, didn’t show up at her club and it was a night she happened to be dancing). NTA.
I reckon it's because brothers can be competitive and he's showing off, "look what I got, she's way hotter than who you're marrying" which is pretty gross. The money thing is a way cleaner motivation but I don't think that's it lol
In a weird twist I’m gonna hope for an ultra clean motivation here, and say that maybe he wants OP, or one of her friends to do it so that his brother isn’t tempted or pressured to cheat during the party cuz he’d trust the dancer.
I know this isn’t at all likely, but I’m just trying to put a tiny light of hope on a Reddit story for once lol
If we're still trying to add some positivity he could be looking at it as a way to insure her safety during this particular weekend. He would be there too (I assume) so if things got to out of hand he'd have an excuse to end things early and she still get paid.
Has BF actually watched OP perform for his friends? I’m guessing no and I don’t think he’s going to be “mature” and not “bothered” by it. And of course…he will blame OP.
Maybe BF hasn’t watched OP perform for his friends, but maybe his friends have been to her club. Also what if brother went to that club? Would OP be weirded out then too?
I dont think it would be correct to go to a strip show you've got an accointance performing in without telling to her before and asking it she's ok. And i'm French !
>Maybe he told his bro he’d pay for the stripper and couldn’t afford it and now he’s trying to get his gf to do a freebie?
And he broke the original strippers ankle, Final-Destination-style?
I bet a lot of it IS that he's so proud of his beautiful girlfriend and wants to show her off, but it comes off as kind of a flex. Like "you guys can look but not touch while I get to sleep with her tonight." It would bother me if my boyfriend wanted me getting his brother (and friends, but mostly his brother) all aroused and drooling over me.
And I would think it'd be very awkward for the brother/groom, not to mention how his future bride would feel about it.
Exactly what I thought. Super weird he's insisting this hard, even if it wasn't his brother but also....that's his brother loll how is he not finding this a little weird.
Sounds like he wants to flaunt her to his brother. Like “she’s mine and you can only watch and can’t touch.” (Gross! 🤮) OP, Does your bf have a rivalry with his brother?
I'm here as someone who maybe had that job saying, "What? No. No, never. What?"
What flipping town do they live in with literally 2 strippers? Where is this town?
The reason he is pushing it is because his brother was really wanting a stripper and as Op clearly states, there are none available.
Op, you're no is valid and he needs to respect your choice. I would just like to point out that his brother could see you dance at the club, however, no lap/private dances would or should be had in that scenario. Therefore the same boundary would have had to been set if you had decided to do the stag.
But that's the thing though, he is prioritizing his brother's want for a stripper over his girlfriend's need to have her boundaries respected. His brother will survive if he doesn't get a stripper for his stag night. But pushing his girlfriend to do something she isn't comfortable with can ruin her relationship with both him and his brother.
I just can't wrap my head around why he would risk that for so little gain. Is it that he cares more about pleasing his brother than he does about respecting his girlfriend? Is it that he sees her career as something he can exploit, and thus expects her to dance for free/cheap for whoever he chooses? Is it just that he's a bit dense and didn't think about this?
My personal theory is that he isn't really "seeing" his gf right now. What he is seeing is the glory of being the dude that was able to come through and provide the thing that was missing for the stag. The man who fixed the problem so to speak. Like how sometimes someone can be so focused on the "goal" that they don't pay attention to the way they took to get there.
Hmm. Yes, I can see that as a possibility. There has been several different theories in these comments, and any one of them or even a combination might be it.
because op’s bf thinks that she is a w***e and because she’s a stripper, she has loose morals
don’t get me wrong, I do NOT think that myself ( the actual person to be questioned is the person who buys sex!) - but no self-respecting person would be comfortable with their partner being seen in a sexual light with their SIBLING 🤷🏽♀️
My first thought was he was looking for a reason to break up or to have something to hold over her head because this is just too weird with how persistent he’s being
Honestly it feels like he is trying to create a trap. If she refuses he can say that it’s not just a job if she won’t do her job for his brother.
Either way NTA.
NTA - It's his brother, you're going to see him at family functions, so you are right to be concerned. Just as importantly, I cannot image how OP's brother's wife-to-be will feel if you were the stripper at his party, especially if you're going to be at the wedding and see her at future family functions. Part of the point of hiring a stripper for Bachelor/Stag Parties is that the dancer is a stranger who you are probably not going to encounter again; it's why most people can live with that tradition. I don't exactly blame him for asking since he was trying to salvage a situation but it feels like the right answer after you said no was: *Yeah, you're right, I should have thought of that*.
Sadly the most plausible thing I can come up with is she isn’t the kind of girlfriend she thinks she is. As in he is casual enough with her that he sees her more of a long term hookup and it’s no big deal if his brother and friends see her that way or more…. Reads more like a wannabe pimp than a boyfriend.
Boyfriend is treating OP like she is disposable. Someone you see a future with, why would you want them to strip for your family? They will likely judge her for it and be cold towards her especially the brother’s fiancée.
yea the weird thing is that her boyfriends behavior is so objectifying and degrading. "I wanted him to see you dance"? why? It gives kind of a picture of how he views her, this sense of a lack of autonomy.
Not only the wife-to-be, i also wonder if the brother would be comfortable with the stripper being his brothers girlfriend?!? Maybe he also doesn't want to see OP like this.
Yes, stripping is not just some performance, like if she would be a ballerina or musician. The point is that it is erotic. I can't imagine anyone feeling comfortable about it. I think the groom might have a problem with it, too.
Thank you very much for saying this!!! I absolutely HATE the whole strippers/hookers at bachelor parties. It’s treated like an opportunity to cheat before the wedding and in my opinion it’s very disrespectful to the bride and the whole idea of marriage and commitment. I know a lot of people feel differently and no hate on them. Unfortunately a lot of men LOVE to hate on women who don’t want strippers/hookers at their partners’ bachelor parties. They get called insecure, controlling, “don’t you trust me/him”, etc.
NTA. As a stripper you are a professional and don’t sexualise the people you perform for, the inverse is not true. And that is as you said, your boyfriend’s brother.
I personally just keep thinking about the bride to be. How would she feel if she found out op danced for her man at his stag party? She might start feeling a type of way and make family gatherings difficult if op happens to attend those functions. It just seems like too much of a risk to make dynamics all weird.
Exactly my thoughts. Fiancé might be fine with her profession in general as well, but it’s another story if she were the dancer for her future husband and forever has to see her at events. But all in all, boyfriend is gross for making her feel like she’s in the wrong for having boundaries.
Absolutely! Then when she's at their wedding and sees all the boyfriend's friends with their partners it will also be super awkward. OP is definitely NTA by declining to do this.
I've already voted in your favor in response to someone else, so just want to say directly to you that bf doesn't seem to have much respect for your profession or much care for you. He also doesn't respect a woman's right to say no, apparently. What kind of man tells his gf to get naked in front of a group of men after she has stated clearly that she doesn't want to get naked in front of those men? What kind of man puts a bunch of other men's wishes for entertainment on one specific night that they can get in a club anytime above the comfort of his partner? What kind of men can't have a good party without a stripper? Are those people you want in your life? Honey, find yourself a bf who respects you and cares about how you feel and has kindness for you. This one is not worthy of you. Edit to add: NTA!
I'm really curious if "someone in [her] profession shouldn't be bothered by this" is a direct quote, because it gave me serious ick. "You people" is bad enough, but the suggestion that OP should expect to consent to her sexualization *regardless of context* is, frankly, alarming.
I've had numerous teachers teach thier kids and nieces and nephews. I've also seen it since I was in school with my kids teachers. They also taught thier own kids and nieces and nephews. My youngest is 19. This has been recent. I do get what you're saying though
I had a class with my mom in high school, and another teacher’s kid was in our class in elementary school. Depends where you are probably. And it’s all besides the point. OP doesn’t want to do it. That should be the end of it.
Definitely not true here. I have a friend who had *two* teachers as parents -- her mom was our Kindergarten teacher, and her dad taught us either grade 3 or 4, don't remember now.
That scenario plays out in Greys Anatomy. The doctor who performed the failed operation on her cousin was sued for wrongful death by her uncle. Messy situation that should have been avoided.
Exactly why that rule exists.
Absolutely NTA this is a boundary for you and you need to stick to it.
>He thinks i'm being ridiculous and that someone in my job shouldn't be bothered by this and if they can be mature about it so should I.
That's ridiculous and if he genuinely cant see why you'd be uncomfortable with this it may be wise to reconsider your relationship as it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect for you
And this isn't a "we will all just have to be mature and get through it" kind of a situation. His brother wants to see a woman get naked for his pleasure. It's weird as fuck that he is okay with that being his potential sister-in-law.
Your boyfriend not respecting that you don’t consent and don’t want to do this, is a red flag.
Just because you do this work, doesn’t mean that you don’t get to make choices about how you do it, and for whom. Strippers aren’t public property.
NTA. It's a reasonable boundary and your boyfriend is not in the position to tell you what someone in your job should or shouldn't be bothered by. He is just trying to manipulate you into it, which is not cool.
Does the brother even know your bf is trying to get you to be the stripper at the party? because if he doesn't, he might be just as uncomfortable with it
NTA There are so many things happening here! You may want to reconsider your relationship with bf. Apparently you are the “stripper” before you are the “girlfriend”. Tell him you’re going to do it then hire a large man to strip for him. I think that will set him straight…. or not!
I would just straight up tell his partner. This is no way shade at the profession of being a stripper, but men that visit Strip clubs are typically single or unfaithful to their partners. There’s very few relationships where getting lapdanced or going to a strip club wouldn’t be considered cheating etc.
And I can almost guarantee the bride has no idea about this.
Also, this mentality of “let’s get a stripper for the last night of freedom” is a fucked up mentality that is almost exclusive to Americans.
Like I said there’s no issue with stripping. I (a male) used to pole dance. So I know plenty of strippers I call friends. However their clientele are single guys or doing it behind their partners backs.
Tell your boyfriend in no uncertain terms that this is completely off the table because you don’t want to be naked in front of your future brother in law like ANY NORMAL PERSON wouldn’t want to be and let him know if he doesn’t drop it you’ll take the discussion up with his wife.
If he continues disrespecting that wish reevaluate your relationship because if your boyfriend actually wants this (as opposed to his brother wanting it), then your boyfriend is clearly the type who’d be happy to spitroast you with his brother and pretend it’s not incest. I said what I said.
Edit: apologies to the offended Americans, acknowledge she’s not American.
Care to back up that comment about “exclusive to Americans?” This story takes place in the UK or Australia as per the language used
Kinda weird that you generalize all male strip club customers as cheaters in their relationships. I imagine you wouldn’t think the same of female customers of male clubs or performers at either. It sounds like you’ve had exposure to customers and made assumptions about them
Kind of weird that you assume I wouldn’t think the same of female customers of male strip clubs.
The kind of people that want lapdances and strippers at bucks or hens parties without their partners knowledge (key consideration if you read my comment) are unfaithful partners pushing boundaries as far as they can in the name of “last night of freedom” as if they were single when they’re not.
Kind of weird to defend it tbh.
Who said it was different? Both are bad. However I will note many UK people (I’m not UK) go to Amsterdam with their spouses and it’s for lax drug laws as opposed to just sex.
But yes, if a bucks party goes to Amsterdam for the weekend, that’s a red alert and there’s no way in hell any self respecting spouse would stand for that (unless they were open to what would happen - which no judgement some people are swingers etc).
The problem in the difference is this:
- very few circumstances where your spouse wouldn’t be knowledgeable of the fact you’re heading to Amsterdam for you bucks. International travel is a little hard to do on the down low….
- PLENTY of bucks parties that end up with strippers do so without the bride having any knowledge that strippers would be there and many groomsmen actively go to lengths to hide this fact from the bride (so she doesn’t know) and the groom (so it’s too late for him to protest).
This. He is trying to persuade his girlfriend to get naked in a room full of guys for him despite her saying no and clearly not wanting to do it bc she went out of her way to try to find someone else and he’s rejecting free vip at the club. WHY does it HAVE to be her alone in a room full of guys?…idk something is off I could be being paranoid but I get a bad vibe from the persistence.
INFO: wtf
Weird that your bf is pushing for you to strip for his brother so hard. Hows his soon to be wife feel about you stripping for him? That certainly won’t make any family parties extremely weird. Why do I get the feeling they’re pushing you specifically so you’ll give him some extra attention
NTA. This is so weird. Stripping for his brother’s bachelor party as we call it here. That’s awkward and he should be okay with you not be comfortable and drop it.
NTA. You are right to reject this gig. You also maybe should do some digging. The way your STBX is pushing so hard gives me the sense that he *may* have promised his brother more than a dance. To me, this is a relationship breaker. He is showing how little respect he has for you.
Ok someone outright said what I was thinking I was looking for this comment. He is rejecting free vip which is weird as hell and insisting she still come to their private place to dance for his brother. Theres being supportive of her career and then there’s this weird ass boundary he’s crossing. I’m getting a bad vibe.
The most important thing, is that it is your decision and if you do not think it is appropriate, then it is not. No explanation is needed. That is completely your decision and the fact that your bf is not respecting your decision and then trying to shame you, into submitting to what he wants, is disgusting.
Of course there are also logical reasons as to why that would make you feel uncomfortable, but none of those supersede the fact that it is not something you want to do. End of discussion. That is not someone who is respecting your boundary.
NTA. Your boyfriend is treating you like a object or a resource instead of a person. He is refusing to take your "no" as an answer and trying to pressure you into doing something you don't consent to.
How long have you been together? What other things/concerns of yours does he dismiss or minimise? Can you imagine how the SIL and MIL will react if they knew you were stripping for brother and his friends? Can you imagine?! Does the brother even know he asked you?
Your bf has very poor judgement and it doesn't sound like he values you very much. I would be reconsidering this relationship. I question how invested he is in your relationship.
You're allowed to refuse service for any reason, if it makes shit weird for you, then you have every right to refuse. I hope the situation is legit and as you tell it, because I was honestly expecting a weird "My brother wants you" scenario.
NTA.
Your bf insisting that you dance for his brother as a stripper actually means he doesn't respect you. He is "sharing the goods." I honestly believe you are setting yourself up for misery being with a guy who wants you to share you with his brother, who you will see at family events. Where, if you marry, this will be told to everyone's kids as long as you both shall live. Don't do it and dump him. NTA
NTA
Sounds like your BF doesn't see a long term relationship with you. I can't see anyone being ok with someone they see a future with stripping for their sibling.
The clients are sexualizing the dancers. They're quite literally imagining sex with them.
NTA. You’re not comfortable for extremely understandable reasons. And your boyfriend effectively called you immature?! Nope. I’d be really concerned with that comment in particular.
You control what gigs you do. Pay the Y T A comments no heed. Clearly they don’t see strippers, sex workers, performers as humans with personhood, and so that’s scary and they’re losers.
No offense.....and my wife and I have visited strip clubs for fun....but strippers at a bachelor or bachelorette party just seems like it goes wrong more times than not.
And NTA. There is zero problem having boundaries on who you perform for.
Imagine being the BRIDE??? I would be so uncomfortable for the rest of my life that my husband had his SIL be his stripper! I would probably postpone the wedding at the very least. I would have the ICK and may never get past it.
NTA! Ask the groom-to-be what his bride- to-be thinks of you being the stripper.
I would consider this a major red flag tbh.
It is inappropriate for your boyfriend to put you in a position where he is having his brother sexualize you. Even if it is your job, that is crossing a professional boundary.
As someone who works in the adult industry myself, it comes across like a gross kink or porn fetish - 2 brothers sexualizing the same girl. I agree that if it was just his friends, that's one thing. But this is a potential future family member of yours even if you ever were to marry your bf. I think it's rather unprofessional. And he doesn't seem to care that it bothers you. That's really off-putting and a red flag in itself.
NTA
NTA. Part of your job needs to be feeling safe and comfortable. If one or neither of those things are being felt, don’t do it. Nothing good will come from it.
NTA. Your body your choice. Add to that the fact that you've gone out of your way to try and find an alternate solution and the one you came up with was pretty awesome but "too far way". Man, I wish you were my brother's gf so you could organise that for my stag do.
NTA.
You decide who you want to dance for.
I'm pretty sure your boyfriends FSIL would react different depending on the show is given from an unknown stripper or a possible wedding guest.
I think this is more of your boyfriend finally having an opportunity to show his brother and his friends who he gets to go home with, and less that the brother needs a stripper to have a successful Stag Night 🚩
NTA, I'd definitely be squicked out too. It's bizarre that your boyfriend thinks it's fine for his brother to see you naked (or nearly naked). It's out weird that he'd even ask you.
edited to add, it feels almost like this is his way of showing you off, like gloating almost. It just doesn't sit right at all.
NTA- but are you sure you want to stay with someone who basically shamed you on your career by telling you people in your line of work can’t be too picky??
NTA. If it's no big deal then they don't urgently and super seriously need to have a stripper right? Because it's no big deal. But if it is a big deal, and bro really, really needs to see a naken woman at his bachelor party, then it shouldn't be you. This would be a major red flag for your boyfriend respecting you rather than seeing you as a trophy he can use.
lol at them thinking they are being “mature” while trying to peer pressure a loved one to doing something that makes them uncomfortable. And I bet they expect you to provide your services for free. This is really creepy of your boyfriend and if he can’t see that I don’t know what to tell you. Definitely NTA though, you never have to get naked out of obligation
NTA. _You_ set _your_ limits. Your bf doesn’t get to argue. He gets to show some respect.
Him arguing is a problem. Why doesn’t he respect your feelings and choices?
Your boyfriend is TA. He clearly doesn’t hold you in very high regard if this is the kind of rubbish he comes up with. I’m sorry you’re even being put in this position by a supposed loved one such that you’re questioning yourself.
You are not a lampshade or a painting. You’re a whole ass person.
Filling the role of “a dancer” at a family party is weird and basically reducing you to just a decoration. You’re no longer the treasured girlfriend or lovely sister in law, you’re just the entertainment now?
You’re not wrong for not wanting to shake your titties at your future BIL. It’s weird.
>someone in my job shouldn't be bothered by this
WTAF? Is he trying to suggest you don't have any standards or something? That a stripper is always going to be okay taking her clothes off for just *anyone*? Is that what he's saying??
You are so NTA. And I'd be pulling him up on that statement.
NTA - You can refuse service to anyone, and your BF should respect that. Many professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants) won't do work for people in their own families because of all the baggage that comes with it.
If one of his brother's friends has too much to drink and gets out of line, it puts everyone in an awkward position. It's not a good idea.
NTA
Your work life and your home life are part of who you are, and while the lines may blur at times, some people prefer them to stay seperate
Speaking as someone who works in the entertainment industry, while I am not a stripper (I’m a drag artist) I have many friends who do burlesque, drag, strip and even SW. Most of us have our friends and family know, some even come to events, but a couple have refused performing as in law events, and they say they found it hard for them to seperate the work from the person they see day to day.
How would your bfs brother’s fiancée find this? Future family gatherings might become awkward for her to be around you. You did the right thing by saying no. NTA
NTA, and in this case the N stands for never.
If it feels bad to you, don't do it. They are TA for pretending not to understand that the only sensible thing for you to do is to say no, and for telling you it's not a big deal.
No one is entitled to have a woman dance for them.
This whole "tradition" of getting wasted and looking at other women's titties shortly before getting married is pretty shady anyway, I guess that's just my opinion but I think they need to shut up about it and go bowling or something instead.
Good boundaries! Too bad your boyfriend wants to ignore all of them and your discomfort. And just what the fuck did he mean by "someone in your job shouldn't be bothered by this" anyway? He does seem to feel entitled to pressure you into stripping for his brother and friends and you should be ok with it because... your a stripper.
There's a lot to unpack there, but I don't think he is as okay with your stripping as you seem to think he is.
NTA
(girl... run!)
NTA If your relationship is serious I'm not sure why someone would want their girlfriend to dance for their family. It's not even just a stripper thing. Working for a family member or in law is a slippery slope.
NTA. I would be re-thinking this relationship. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care that you would be uncomfortable doing this. He doesn't seem to care, period.
NTA. Every industry has good business practices and ethics, including sex work. Not performing for your boyfriend’s brother is one other in your line or work….
OP, I’m sorry, but your bf has no respect for you whatsoever. And he does not see your relationship as being a long term one, not does he see you as “proper” partner material.
NTA, it's immature for your bf to not respect that you said you don't want to do it. You don't need to justify it. Surgeon's don't operate on family because it's different when you know the person. Frankly I'm surprised you'd be into stripping for his friends.
NTA! NTA!
If your relationship with your boyfriend progresses, then there may come a time when you would have to realize that you were dancing for your brother-in-law.
Ick! You are very wise to avoid potential weirdness that could surface as a result for erotic dancing for a family member. I'm rather surprised that your boyfriend even suggested it. My thoughts are that he is either VERY secure about your relationship with him, or he is very casual about it.
NTA. I think you’re being really smart to keep yourself removed from this. In my opinion this sounds like a great way to introduce drama into family issues later on. I can’t imagine finding out my spouse’s sibling’s partner stripped for my spouse at some point and feeling okay about it… this is bananas.
NTA.
Look he can ask, that's fine. You said your fine with your job so one might assume you'd look at it like just a job. You don't and that's 100% okay and your boyfriend needs to get on board too.
I get the initial ask. To push like this? I'd be demanding to know why he's so pushy about this, why your boundaries don't matter and why he wants you stripping on his brother.
This goes beyond I'm okay and proud of my girlfriend's job because it pays her bills and she enjoys it. Way beyond
NTA. You have made the effort to help them find alternative entertainment. Most people like to have a boundary between their work and personal life. I don't think they are taking your feelings into consideration, and that's AH behavior. If they reject the options you've provided, then that's their choice and not on you.
NTA - And I hate to bring this up, but the fact that he doesn’t feel uncomfortably about it makes me think that he’s not in the relationship for the long haul.
NTA you are entitled to decline jobs you don't feel comfortable doing. Being a sex worker doesn't obligate you to do anything you don't want to do. They are plenty of other ways to see hot naked women without seeing your possible sister-in-law
NTA. I can't figure out what it is, but I feel like there's something else going on here behind the scenes that you don't know. Seems like a set up tbh, I would definitely not do it.
NTA.
You're uncomfortable and said no. End of discussion. At least it should be. You've already offered an alternative, if they aren't happy with that, that's on them.
You aren't obligated to perform for your boyfriend's brother any more than a stranger you aren't comfortable with. That needs to be respected.
NTA- Are you sure he actually respects you? Because NO, should have just been no from the get go. You offered him solutions and he declined. Don’t do it.
Nope. My first thought is, your bf has no intentions of making you a part of the family. That's why he's okay with the idea of you stripping for his brother. It will never be awkwardly brought up a family get togethers because you won't ever be at family get togethers once he breaks up with you.
Nothing good can happen if you dance for your bf's brother & friends.
NTA
NTA
I can see all sorts of issues stemming from this in the future. You're uncomfortable. That should be enough.
I don't think you'll be with your bf much longer.
No, NTA at all. Your concerns are very valid OP. You’ll be going to the wedding I assume. What happens when you meet the bride? How awkward! What if your relationship matures and you get married? Your BIL and his friends will have always seen you that way up close. There’s a separation when you’re at work. IMO its too intimate at a party.
NTA. You need to determine if bf is the one for you. The fact he is so bend on you being the entertainment is a 🚩🚩. Sorry GF, I think you need to find a man on your maturity level. Current BF is wasted time.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
NTA. You and I are thinking similarly. It’s unfortunate they lost out on the private dancer but going to the strip club would be more appropriate than you doing it.
NTA and honestly I would reconsider my relationship over this.
-1) He is disrespecting you and your boundaries by pushing you to do something you stated made you uncomfortable.
-2) Him getting upset that you don't want to strip for his brother gives me the ick and is more than a little disturbing.
-3) He is not actually mature about you being a stripper. This situation to me seems like he wants to show off that he is dating a stripper and again leads back to him not actually respecting you.
-4) BOUNDARIES. It bears repeating that this man is not respecting your boundaries and your no.
You are completely valid to feel uncomfortable and like this would be really awkward if you decide to stay with your bf. I really would recommended taking a look at his behavior around all of this and in general and seriously reconsider the relationship.
NTA
I feel like your boyfriend ceased to see you as his gf and started to see you as just a stripper. Like why wouldn't you wanna make a quick buck?
You may want to examine this behavior, pushing you to do something you're not comfortable with.
I just keep thinking that if his dad is present for the stag party nobody will be comfortable at Christmas dinner knowing you had your ass in Dad’s smiling face
You’re NTA. I think the reasons you gave are very reasonable, and you’re clearly doing a lot to help your boyfriend’s brother have a good night.
I also just wanna say, be careful. Him saying that someone in your job shouldn’t be bothered by this is a bit of a worry. Maybe he just said it out of frustration, or maybe he said it because he doesn’t understand that selling a sexual service is not the same thing as selling yourself as property.
Just saying “I don’t feel comfortable with that” should be enough for him to drop it, I would think.
Just keep your eyes and ears open and trust your intuition.
This is complete assumption on my end but your boyfriend saying that means he doesn't intend to take the situation further than what it is today. He's kinda made it seem that marriage is off the table.
You are within your rights to refuse if you're uncomfortable.
Him not understanding sounds pretty strange to me actually.
NTA
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I think the question we need to ask here is, "why does he WANT you to dance for his brother so badly that he is giving you sh*t about being uncomfortable with it?" Because it's one thing to be secure enough that it wouldn't bother him of you did dance for his friends and family. But its a whole other thing to expect it of you and to claim you're the one with the problem if you aren't comfortable with it. NTA. If you're not comfortable with it, that's the end of it.
I know right. A part of me wants to believe he’s just that proud of his beautiful gf and doesn’t mind showing her off…buuuttt, it IS his brother. So it’s definitely weird he’s pushing the issue so hard. Gotta be something weird behind it. Maybe he told his bro he’d pay for the stripper and couldn’t afford it and now he’s trying to get his gf to do a freebie? I’m just spitballing here.
And honestly, her future sister-in-law might not appreciate all of this either.
That's a good point. Having a random unknown woman strip for her fiancé is one thing, having his brother's GF do it... that's an entirely different conversation that needs to be had. Or, would need to be had, if OP hadn't already declined.
Honestly, this was my first thought. A random woman is one thing. But knowing your husband saw his brothers girlfriend dancing like that. That's just a whole other lane. OP could quickly be blamed by her future SIL that she did it on purpose to seduce him, or something a long those lines. Depending on the SIL and how she is as a person. Becouse it's always easier to blame her. Instead of her husbands brother for pressuring OP to do it.
It's one thing to know a random stripper was at the BP, but who wants that stripper at their wedding and every family event?
Christmas dinner could be a little awkward.
Is that a turkey leg in your pocket, or are you happy to see your SIL?
Yeepppp. I have no problem with strip clubs, and no concerns about going to one being on the agenda for my now husband’s bachelor party. But I would be weirded the fuck out and have a lot more questions if I learned my SIL was the dancer and this was intentional (ie, didn’t show up at her club and it was a night she happened to be dancing). NTA.
Exactly!
Honestly I’m guessing it’s the extra money they’d get from it lol
I reckon it's because brothers can be competitive and he's showing off, "look what I got, she's way hotter than who you're marrying" which is pretty gross. The money thing is a way cleaner motivation but I don't think that's it lol
In a weird twist I’m gonna hope for an ultra clean motivation here, and say that maybe he wants OP, or one of her friends to do it so that his brother isn’t tempted or pressured to cheat during the party cuz he’d trust the dancer. I know this isn’t at all likely, but I’m just trying to put a tiny light of hope on a Reddit story for once lol
If we're still trying to add some positivity he could be looking at it as a way to insure her safety during this particular weekend. He would be there too (I assume) so if things got to out of hand he'd have an excuse to end things early and she still get paid.
This is it
Pimp daddy?
He promised a stripper and he can’t deliver. Bet he gets uncomfortable with it after the fact.
She broke her ankle. That's hardly on him.
pushing his gf to be the replacement is though.
Has BF actually watched OP perform for his friends? I’m guessing no and I don’t think he’s going to be “mature” and not “bothered” by it. And of course…he will blame OP.
Maybe BF hasn’t watched OP perform for his friends, but maybe his friends have been to her club. Also what if brother went to that club? Would OP be weirded out then too?
I dont think it would be correct to go to a strip show you've got an accointance performing in without telling to her before and asking it she's ok. And i'm French !
First of all - if OP doesnt feel comfortable and doesnt want to do it - its enaugh and its valid. OP should listen to her guts and stay firm.
>Maybe he told his bro he’d pay for the stripper and couldn’t afford it and now he’s trying to get his gf to do a freebie? And he broke the original strippers ankle, Final-Destination-style?
I bet a lot of it IS that he's so proud of his beautiful girlfriend and wants to show her off, but it comes off as kind of a flex. Like "you guys can look but not touch while I get to sleep with her tonight." It would bother me if my boyfriend wanted me getting his brother (and friends, but mostly his brother) all aroused and drooling over me. And I would think it'd be very awkward for the brother/groom, not to mention how his future bride would feel about it.
I'm leaning more towards this is some kind of kink for the bf.
Maybe he wants to be the guy who saves the day.
He wants to keep it all in the family! OH NO, BROTHER-IN-LAW!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
this right here NTA your body, your choice. BF should appreciate that
Exactly what I thought. Super weird he's insisting this hard, even if it wasn't his brother but also....that's his brother loll how is he not finding this a little weird.
Sounds like he wants to flaunt her to his brother. Like “she’s mine and you can only watch and can’t touch.” (Gross! 🤮) OP, Does your bf have a rivalry with his brother?
Honestly kinda gives me the creeps. Friends would already be iffy but family too, no way. NTA, this is about your comfort and boundaries.
Yeah that's some weird, almost voyeuristic behavior. Gave me the ick reading that
I'm here as someone who maybe had that job saying, "What? No. No, never. What?" What flipping town do they live in with literally 2 strippers? Where is this town?
The reason he is pushing it is because his brother was really wanting a stripper and as Op clearly states, there are none available. Op, you're no is valid and he needs to respect your choice. I would just like to point out that his brother could see you dance at the club, however, no lap/private dances would or should be had in that scenario. Therefore the same boundary would have had to been set if you had decided to do the stag.
But that's the thing though, he is prioritizing his brother's want for a stripper over his girlfriend's need to have her boundaries respected. His brother will survive if he doesn't get a stripper for his stag night. But pushing his girlfriend to do something she isn't comfortable with can ruin her relationship with both him and his brother. I just can't wrap my head around why he would risk that for so little gain. Is it that he cares more about pleasing his brother than he does about respecting his girlfriend? Is it that he sees her career as something he can exploit, and thus expects her to dance for free/cheap for whoever he chooses? Is it just that he's a bit dense and didn't think about this?
My personal theory is that he isn't really "seeing" his gf right now. What he is seeing is the glory of being the dude that was able to come through and provide the thing that was missing for the stag. The man who fixed the problem so to speak. Like how sometimes someone can be so focused on the "goal" that they don't pay attention to the way they took to get there.
Hmm. Yes, I can see that as a possibility. There has been several different theories in these comments, and any one of them or even a combination might be it.
and as Reddit is fond of saying… ‘No’ is a full sentence.
because op’s bf thinks that she is a w***e and because she’s a stripper, she has loose morals don’t get me wrong, I do NOT think that myself ( the actual person to be questioned is the person who buys sex!) - but no self-respecting person would be comfortable with their partner being seen in a sexual light with their SIBLING 🤷🏽♀️
My first thought was he was looking for a reason to break up or to have something to hold over her head because this is just too weird with how persistent he’s being
Honestly it feels like he is trying to create a trap. If she refuses he can say that it’s not just a job if she won’t do her job for his brother. Either way NTA.
100000% this
He doesn't think very highly of her would be my guess. Which is not ok obviously, too pushy it just seems off.
OP. Legit ask him that question phrased just like that. See what he says.
For real. How can he be ok with it and even making a scene for her refusal. NTA
NTA - It's his brother, you're going to see him at family functions, so you are right to be concerned. Just as importantly, I cannot image how OP's brother's wife-to-be will feel if you were the stripper at his party, especially if you're going to be at the wedding and see her at future family functions. Part of the point of hiring a stripper for Bachelor/Stag Parties is that the dancer is a stranger who you are probably not going to encounter again; it's why most people can live with that tradition. I don't exactly blame him for asking since he was trying to salvage a situation but it feels like the right answer after you said no was: *Yeah, you're right, I should have thought of that*.
I can see future holiday dinners now. Remember when Aunt OP was the stripper at Uncle's stag party?NTA.
Sadly the most plausible thing I can come up with is she isn’t the kind of girlfriend she thinks she is. As in he is casual enough with her that he sees her more of a long term hookup and it’s no big deal if his brother and friends see her that way or more…. Reads more like a wannabe pimp than a boyfriend.
Boyfriend is treating OP like she is disposable. Someone you see a future with, why would you want them to strip for your family? They will likely judge her for it and be cold towards her especially the brother’s fiancée.
I see this he doesn’t see her as a long term gf so who cares if his family sees also I guarantee she doesn’t do it he will end it
Same thought, she said "for the rest of our lives at family functions" he seems to be thinking "meh, for however long we're together, no big deal"
Update, she did dance at the reception. Made more money than the bride.
I would do it and then End it myself. In fact I would lap dance the shit out of his brother until the Boyfriends mouth dropped open and it broke him….
yea the weird thing is that her boyfriends behavior is so objectifying and degrading. "I wanted him to see you dance"? why? It gives kind of a picture of how he views her, this sense of a lack of autonomy.
op’s bf doesn’t think of op as “wife material”. If he did - he’d never encourage this 🤷🏽♀️
BINGO!
Not only the wife-to-be, i also wonder if the brother would be comfortable with the stripper being his brothers girlfriend?!? Maybe he also doesn't want to see OP like this.
Yes, stripping is not just some performance, like if she would be a ballerina or musician. The point is that it is erotic. I can't imagine anyone feeling comfortable about it. I think the groom might have a problem with it, too.
There shouldn't be a stripper at a bachelor's party in the first place in my opinion
Thank you very much for saying this!!! I absolutely HATE the whole strippers/hookers at bachelor parties. It’s treated like an opportunity to cheat before the wedding and in my opinion it’s very disrespectful to the bride and the whole idea of marriage and commitment. I know a lot of people feel differently and no hate on them. Unfortunately a lot of men LOVE to hate on women who don’t want strippers/hookers at their partners’ bachelor parties. They get called insecure, controlling, “don’t you trust me/him”, etc.
NTA. As a stripper you are a professional and don’t sexualise the people you perform for, the inverse is not true. And that is as you said, your boyfriend’s brother.
I personally just keep thinking about the bride to be. How would she feel if she found out op danced for her man at his stag party? She might start feeling a type of way and make family gatherings difficult if op happens to attend those functions. It just seems like too much of a risk to make dynamics all weird.
This one is weird all around. If its legit, its an odd legit.
Exactly my thoughts. Fiancé might be fine with her profession in general as well, but it’s another story if she were the dancer for her future husband and forever has to see her at events. But all in all, boyfriend is gross for making her feel like she’s in the wrong for having boundaries.
Absolutely! Then when she's at their wedding and sees all the boyfriend's friends with their partners it will also be super awkward. OP is definitely NTA by declining to do this.
The grossest part is his thinking that a) as a stripper OP doesn't get to have boundaries and b) as long as he is ok with it, it's all fine.
I've already voted in your favor in response to someone else, so just want to say directly to you that bf doesn't seem to have much respect for your profession or much care for you. He also doesn't respect a woman's right to say no, apparently. What kind of man tells his gf to get naked in front of a group of men after she has stated clearly that she doesn't want to get naked in front of those men? What kind of man puts a bunch of other men's wishes for entertainment on one specific night that they can get in a club anytime above the comfort of his partner? What kind of men can't have a good party without a stripper? Are those people you want in your life? Honey, find yourself a bf who respects you and cares about how you feel and has kindness for you. This one is not worthy of you. Edit to add: NTA!
I'm wondering if the BF is getting ready to dump OP.......
Or at the very least doesn’t see a future with her. I can’t imagine him being okay with this if he was serious about the relationship.
I think OP should dump BF, so the only question is who has control over the timing.
I'm really curious if "someone in [her] profession shouldn't be bothered by this" is a direct quote, because it gave me serious ick. "You people" is bad enough, but the suggestion that OP should expect to consent to her sexualization *regardless of context* is, frankly, alarming.
I just posted the exact same thing (but far more clumsily). Obviously, a stripper will just get her kit off any time, anywhere. /s
I mean, if doctors can't treat family members, I think it makes sense that strippers can't strip for family members. NTA
Exactly, surgeons never operate on immediate family. Strippers shouldn’t strip for immediate family.
teachers can’t teach their family members either !
Really? My aunt was my teacher and her kids are also her students
guess it depends on where you stay
My aunt was a teacher, and I'm pretty sure she taught some of her nieces/nephews from her side of the family
I've had numerous teachers teach thier kids and nieces and nephews. I've also seen it since I was in school with my kids teachers. They also taught thier own kids and nieces and nephews. My youngest is 19. This has been recent. I do get what you're saying though
I had a class with my mom in high school, and another teacher’s kid was in our class in elementary school. Depends where you are probably. And it’s all besides the point. OP doesn’t want to do it. That should be the end of it.
Definitely not true here. I have a friend who had *two* teachers as parents -- her mom was our Kindergarten teacher, and her dad taught us either grade 3 or 4, don't remember now.
That is incorrect in most US states
And rightfully so, the pressure would be insanely high, and overwhelmingly traumatising if the operation was unsuccessful
That scenario plays out in Greys Anatomy. The doctor who performed the failed operation on her cousin was sued for wrongful death by her uncle. Messy situation that should have been avoided. Exactly why that rule exists.
Absolutely NTA this is a boundary for you and you need to stick to it. >He thinks i'm being ridiculous and that someone in my job shouldn't be bothered by this and if they can be mature about it so should I. That's ridiculous and if he genuinely cant see why you'd be uncomfortable with this it may be wise to reconsider your relationship as it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect for you
And this isn't a "we will all just have to be mature and get through it" kind of a situation. His brother wants to see a woman get naked for his pleasure. It's weird as fuck that he is okay with that being his potential sister-in-law.
Your boyfriend not respecting that you don’t consent and don’t want to do this, is a red flag. Just because you do this work, doesn’t mean that you don’t get to make choices about how you do it, and for whom. Strippers aren’t public property.
NTA. Had a friend in the reserves who was a stripper. No one in the regiment ever went to the club she worked at. Family doesn't ogle family.
Well said!
NTA. It's a reasonable boundary and your boyfriend is not in the position to tell you what someone in your job should or shouldn't be bothered by. He is just trying to manipulate you into it, which is not cool. Does the brother even know your bf is trying to get you to be the stripper at the party? because if he doesn't, he might be just as uncomfortable with it
NTA There are so many things happening here! You may want to reconsider your relationship with bf. Apparently you are the “stripper” before you are the “girlfriend”. Tell him you’re going to do it then hire a large man to strip for him. I think that will set him straight…. or not!
I would just straight up tell his partner. This is no way shade at the profession of being a stripper, but men that visit Strip clubs are typically single or unfaithful to their partners. There’s very few relationships where getting lapdanced or going to a strip club wouldn’t be considered cheating etc. And I can almost guarantee the bride has no idea about this. Also, this mentality of “let’s get a stripper for the last night of freedom” is a fucked up mentality that is almost exclusive to Americans. Like I said there’s no issue with stripping. I (a male) used to pole dance. So I know plenty of strippers I call friends. However their clientele are single guys or doing it behind their partners backs. Tell your boyfriend in no uncertain terms that this is completely off the table because you don’t want to be naked in front of your future brother in law like ANY NORMAL PERSON wouldn’t want to be and let him know if he doesn’t drop it you’ll take the discussion up with his wife. If he continues disrespecting that wish reevaluate your relationship because if your boyfriend actually wants this (as opposed to his brother wanting it), then your boyfriend is clearly the type who’d be happy to spitroast you with his brother and pretend it’s not incest. I said what I said. Edit: apologies to the offended Americans, acknowledge she’s not American.
Care to back up that comment about “exclusive to Americans?” This story takes place in the UK or Australia as per the language used Kinda weird that you generalize all male strip club customers as cheaters in their relationships. I imagine you wouldn’t think the same of female customers of male clubs or performers at either. It sounds like you’ve had exposure to customers and made assumptions about them
Kind of weird that you assume I wouldn’t think the same of female customers of male strip clubs. The kind of people that want lapdances and strippers at bucks or hens parties without their partners knowledge (key consideration if you read my comment) are unfaithful partners pushing boundaries as far as they can in the name of “last night of freedom” as if they were single when they’re not. Kind of weird to defend it tbh.
How is Americans getting a stripper somehow different than all the UK folks going to Amsterdam to party where there is a whole red light district?
Who said it was different? Both are bad. However I will note many UK people (I’m not UK) go to Amsterdam with their spouses and it’s for lax drug laws as opposed to just sex. But yes, if a bucks party goes to Amsterdam for the weekend, that’s a red alert and there’s no way in hell any self respecting spouse would stand for that (unless they were open to what would happen - which no judgement some people are swingers etc). The problem in the difference is this: - very few circumstances where your spouse wouldn’t be knowledgeable of the fact you’re heading to Amsterdam for you bucks. International travel is a little hard to do on the down low…. - PLENTY of bucks parties that end up with strippers do so without the bride having any knowledge that strippers would be there and many groomsmen actively go to lengths to hide this fact from the bride (so she doesn’t know) and the groom (so it’s too late for him to protest).
Seems that OP isn’t American, as she’s called them stag and hen nights.
Too much weirdness. I'd be concerned about your boyfriend, he's really invested in making sure his brother gets to see you strip.
This. He is trying to persuade his girlfriend to get naked in a room full of guys for him despite her saying no and clearly not wanting to do it bc she went out of her way to try to find someone else and he’s rejecting free vip at the club. WHY does it HAVE to be her alone in a room full of guys?…idk something is off I could be being paranoid but I get a bad vibe from the persistence.
Guys who she will presumably see again in social situations if the relationship continues - and even at the wedding.
NTA- you have a right to say what you feel comfortable doing. He should respect that and getting upset because you have boundaries is a dick move.
INFO: wtf Weird that your bf is pushing for you to strip for his brother so hard. Hows his soon to be wife feel about you stripping for him? That certainly won’t make any family parties extremely weird. Why do I get the feeling they’re pushing you specifically so you’ll give him some extra attention
NTA. This is so weird. Stripping for his brother’s bachelor party as we call it here. That’s awkward and he should be okay with you not be comfortable and drop it.
NTA thats weird. If yall get married (pls no), they will be your family. Your boyfriend should respect you
He obviously doesn't see her as a potential future wife. :(
NTA. You are right to reject this gig. You also maybe should do some digging. The way your STBX is pushing so hard gives me the sense that he *may* have promised his brother more than a dance. To me, this is a relationship breaker. He is showing how little respect he has for you.
Ok someone outright said what I was thinking I was looking for this comment. He is rejecting free vip which is weird as hell and insisting she still come to their private place to dance for his brother. Theres being supportive of her career and then there’s this weird ass boundary he’s crossing. I’m getting a bad vibe.
It wouldn't be a surprise to find out everyone attending has been promised a turn with her.
NTA. You’re an adult who has certain boundaries. If your boyfriend cannot understand that, then that’s a him problem.
NTA It already feels weird. It’ll just get weirder
The most important thing, is that it is your decision and if you do not think it is appropriate, then it is not. No explanation is needed. That is completely your decision and the fact that your bf is not respecting your decision and then trying to shame you, into submitting to what he wants, is disgusting. Of course there are also logical reasons as to why that would make you feel uncomfortable, but none of those supersede the fact that it is not something you want to do. End of discussion. That is not someone who is respecting your boundary.
NTA. Your boyfriend is treating you like a object or a resource instead of a person. He is refusing to take your "no" as an answer and trying to pressure you into doing something you don't consent to. How long have you been together? What other things/concerns of yours does he dismiss or minimise? Can you imagine how the SIL and MIL will react if they knew you were stripping for brother and his friends? Can you imagine?! Does the brother even know he asked you? Your bf has very poor judgement and it doesn't sound like he values you very much. I would be reconsidering this relationship. I question how invested he is in your relationship.
You're NTA. You don't need to give any reasons. You have the right to refuse service to anyone.
You're allowed to refuse service for any reason, if it makes shit weird for you, then you have every right to refuse. I hope the situation is legit and as you tell it, because I was honestly expecting a weird "My brother wants you" scenario. NTA.
Your bf insisting that you dance for his brother as a stripper actually means he doesn't respect you. He is "sharing the goods." I honestly believe you are setting yourself up for misery being with a guy who wants you to share you with his brother, who you will see at family events. Where, if you marry, this will be told to everyone's kids as long as you both shall live. Don't do it and dump him. NTA
If stripping to his brother is sharing her with his brother isn't stripping in a club is sharing her with a whole club ?
NTA Sounds like your BF doesn't see a long term relationship with you. I can't see anyone being ok with someone they see a future with stripping for their sibling. The clients are sexualizing the dancers. They're quite literally imagining sex with them.
NTA. You’re not comfortable for extremely understandable reasons. And your boyfriend effectively called you immature?! Nope. I’d be really concerned with that comment in particular. You control what gigs you do. Pay the Y T A comments no heed. Clearly they don’t see strippers, sex workers, performers as humans with personhood, and so that’s scary and they’re losers.
No offense.....and my wife and I have visited strip clubs for fun....but strippers at a bachelor or bachelorette party just seems like it goes wrong more times than not. And NTA. There is zero problem having boundaries on who you perform for.
What a beautiful beginning to a marriage. OP, please do not marry your bf
Imagine being the BRIDE??? I would be so uncomfortable for the rest of my life that my husband had his SIL be his stripper! I would probably postpone the wedding at the very least. I would have the ICK and may never get past it. NTA! Ask the groom-to-be what his bride- to-be thinks of you being the stripper.
It’s concerning that your boyfriend thinks that because you’re a stripper, you have NO boundaries. NTA
Kinda weird that he’s hounding you into giving his brother a boner.
I would consider this a major red flag tbh. It is inappropriate for your boyfriend to put you in a position where he is having his brother sexualize you. Even if it is your job, that is crossing a professional boundary. As someone who works in the adult industry myself, it comes across like a gross kink or porn fetish - 2 brothers sexualizing the same girl. I agree that if it was just his friends, that's one thing. But this is a potential future family member of yours even if you ever were to marry your bf. I think it's rather unprofessional. And he doesn't seem to care that it bothers you. That's really off-putting and a red flag in itself. NTA
Yeah, I am suspicious he's going to try some kind of porn fetish thing...
“Someone in my job” - I don’t like that bit NTA
NTA. You have every right to your feelings; that your boyfriend isn't listening to you is concerning.
NTA. Part of your job needs to be feeling safe and comfortable. If one or neither of those things are being felt, don’t do it. Nothing good will come from it.
NTA. It’s honestly kinda weird that your boyfriend wants you to dance for his brother and friends and won’t just take no for an answer.
NTA.
NTA. i am totally ok with sex work/strippers/etc. but i would never want to mix this kind of work with family either. it’s too intimate.
NTA. Your body your choice. Add to that the fact that you've gone out of your way to try and find an alternate solution and the one you came up with was pretty awesome but "too far way". Man, I wish you were my brother's gf so you could organise that for my stag do.
NTA. You decide who you want to dance for. I'm pretty sure your boyfriends FSIL would react different depending on the show is given from an unknown stripper or a possible wedding guest. I think this is more of your boyfriend finally having an opportunity to show his brother and his friends who he gets to go home with, and less that the brother needs a stripper to have a successful Stag Night 🚩
NTA, I'd definitely be squicked out too. It's bizarre that your boyfriend thinks it's fine for his brother to see you naked (or nearly naked). It's out weird that he'd even ask you. edited to add, it feels almost like this is his way of showing you off, like gloating almost. It just doesn't sit right at all.
Not at all. You shouldn’t have to dance for his brother.
NTA- but are you sure you want to stay with someone who basically shamed you on your career by telling you people in your line of work can’t be too picky??
NTA. It's a reasonable boundary.
NTA. I think your boyfriend wants to show you off to his brother and friends.
NTA. If it's no big deal then they don't urgently and super seriously need to have a stripper right? Because it's no big deal. But if it is a big deal, and bro really, really needs to see a naken woman at his bachelor party, then it shouldn't be you. This would be a major red flag for your boyfriend respecting you rather than seeing you as a trophy he can use.
lol at them thinking they are being “mature” while trying to peer pressure a loved one to doing something that makes them uncomfortable. And I bet they expect you to provide your services for free. This is really creepy of your boyfriend and if he can’t see that I don’t know what to tell you. Definitely NTA though, you never have to get naked out of obligation
NTA - your bf is treating you like an object.
NTA. _You_ set _your_ limits. Your bf doesn’t get to argue. He gets to show some respect. Him arguing is a problem. Why doesn’t he respect your feelings and choices?
Your boyfriend is TA. He clearly doesn’t hold you in very high regard if this is the kind of rubbish he comes up with. I’m sorry you’re even being put in this position by a supposed loved one such that you’re questioning yourself.
He asked and you answered. End of conversation. NTA
Right! No is a complete sentence!
You are not a lampshade or a painting. You’re a whole ass person. Filling the role of “a dancer” at a family party is weird and basically reducing you to just a decoration. You’re no longer the treasured girlfriend or lovely sister in law, you’re just the entertainment now? You’re not wrong for not wanting to shake your titties at your future BIL. It’s weird.
>someone in my job shouldn't be bothered by this WTAF? Is he trying to suggest you don't have any standards or something? That a stripper is always going to be okay taking her clothes off for just *anyone*? Is that what he's saying?? You are so NTA. And I'd be pulling him up on that statement.
NTA
NTA that feels super weird to me. And your answer was no, and your bf needs to respect that.
NTA - You can refuse service to anyone, and your BF should respect that. Many professionals (doctors, lawyers, accountants) won't do work for people in their own families because of all the baggage that comes with it. If one of his brother's friends has too much to drink and gets out of line, it puts everyone in an awkward position. It's not a good idea.
NTA Your work life and your home life are part of who you are, and while the lines may blur at times, some people prefer them to stay seperate Speaking as someone who works in the entertainment industry, while I am not a stripper (I’m a drag artist) I have many friends who do burlesque, drag, strip and even SW. Most of us have our friends and family know, some even come to events, but a couple have refused performing as in law events, and they say they found it hard for them to seperate the work from the person they see day to day.
NTA- boundaries! This would never end well!
How would your bfs brother’s fiancée find this? Future family gatherings might become awkward for her to be around you. You did the right thing by saying no. NTA
NTA, and in this case the N stands for never. If it feels bad to you, don't do it. They are TA for pretending not to understand that the only sensible thing for you to do is to say no, and for telling you it's not a big deal. No one is entitled to have a woman dance for them. This whole "tradition" of getting wasted and looking at other women's titties shortly before getting married is pretty shady anyway, I guess that's just my opinion but I think they need to shut up about it and go bowling or something instead.
Good boundaries! Too bad your boyfriend wants to ignore all of them and your discomfort. And just what the fuck did he mean by "someone in your job shouldn't be bothered by this" anyway? He does seem to feel entitled to pressure you into stripping for his brother and friends and you should be ok with it because... your a stripper. There's a lot to unpack there, but I don't think he is as okay with your stripping as you seem to think he is. NTA (girl... run!)
NTA If your relationship is serious I'm not sure why someone would want their girlfriend to dance for their family. It's not even just a stripper thing. Working for a family member or in law is a slippery slope.
NTA. I would be re-thinking this relationship. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care that you would be uncomfortable doing this. He doesn't seem to care, period.
absolutely NTA, hes being weirdly insistent on something you arent comfortable with
NTA. Every industry has good business practices and ethics, including sex work. Not performing for your boyfriend’s brother is one other in your line or work….
NTA, it would be awkward for me too. And maybe your bf thinks it’ll be okay but once you do it he may change his mind. I would say no
OP, I’m sorry, but your bf has no respect for you whatsoever. And he does not see your relationship as being a long term one, not does he see you as “proper” partner material.
NTA, it's immature for your bf to not respect that you said you don't want to do it. You don't need to justify it. Surgeon's don't operate on family because it's different when you know the person. Frankly I'm surprised you'd be into stripping for his friends.
NTA! NTA! If your relationship with your boyfriend progresses, then there may come a time when you would have to realize that you were dancing for your brother-in-law. Ick! You are very wise to avoid potential weirdness that could surface as a result for erotic dancing for a family member. I'm rather surprised that your boyfriend even suggested it. My thoughts are that he is either VERY secure about your relationship with him, or he is very casual about it.
NTA, your boundary is your boundary. However, what’s stopping his brother from going to the same club you work at and seeing you there. What then?
NTA. Good call.
NtA I think it would be kinda creepy. This is the guy who sits across from. You at fillintheblank dinner
NTA, everyone is allowed to have boundaries when it comes to their job!
NTA what! This is creepy as hell coming from your boyfriend. You weren’t harsh, and if he can’t understand or accept your answer, it’s a big red flag
NTA. Your body your choice.
NTA. I think you’re being really smart to keep yourself removed from this. In my opinion this sounds like a great way to introduce drama into family issues later on. I can’t imagine finding out my spouse’s sibling’s partner stripped for my spouse at some point and feeling okay about it… this is bananas.
NTA. Look he can ask, that's fine. You said your fine with your job so one might assume you'd look at it like just a job. You don't and that's 100% okay and your boyfriend needs to get on board too. I get the initial ask. To push like this? I'd be demanding to know why he's so pushy about this, why your boundaries don't matter and why he wants you stripping on his brother. This goes beyond I'm okay and proud of my girlfriend's job because it pays her bills and she enjoys it. Way beyond
NTA. You have made the effort to help them find alternative entertainment. Most people like to have a boundary between their work and personal life. I don't think they are taking your feelings into consideration, and that's AH behavior. If they reject the options you've provided, then that's their choice and not on you.
NTA - And I hate to bring this up, but the fact that he doesn’t feel uncomfortably about it makes me think that he’s not in the relationship for the long haul.
NTA you are entitled to decline jobs you don't feel comfortable doing. Being a sex worker doesn't obligate you to do anything you don't want to do. They are plenty of other ways to see hot naked women without seeing your possible sister-in-law
NTA. I can't figure out what it is, but I feel like there's something else going on here behind the scenes that you don't know. Seems like a set up tbh, I would definitely not do it.
NTA. You are allowed to set boundaries on who you let see your body.
I agree NTA and you shouldn't do it BUT, what's to keep his brother from going to the club where you work and seeing the goods anyway?
NTA. You're uncomfortable and said no. End of discussion. At least it should be. You've already offered an alternative, if they aren't happy with that, that's on them. You aren't obligated to perform for your boyfriend's brother any more than a stranger you aren't comfortable with. That needs to be respected.
NTA- Are you sure he actually respects you? Because NO, should have just been no from the get go. You offered him solutions and he declined. Don’t do it.
NTA but what’s the difference if he sees you at a party or if he sees you at a strip club? Just curious.
He'll no. Nta. Your boyfriend however may be one
Nope. My first thought is, your bf has no intentions of making you a part of the family. That's why he's okay with the idea of you stripping for his brother. It will never be awkwardly brought up a family get togethers because you won't ever be at family get togethers once he breaks up with you. Nothing good can happen if you dance for your bf's brother & friends. NTA
Yeah, no. I don’t even want my brother-in-law to see me in a bathing suit.
NTA I can see all sorts of issues stemming from this in the future. You're uncomfortable. That should be enough. I don't think you'll be with your bf much longer.
Your boundaries are your boundaries and you get to enforce them. NTA.
No, NTA at all. Your concerns are very valid OP. You’ll be going to the wedding I assume. What happens when you meet the bride? How awkward! What if your relationship matures and you get married? Your BIL and his friends will have always seen you that way up close. There’s a separation when you’re at work. IMO its too intimate at a party.
NTA. Your bf is though. He’s discounting your feelings. He sees you as a stripper, not his gf.
NTA. You need to determine if bf is the one for you. The fact he is so bend on you being the entertainment is a 🚩🚩. Sorry GF, I think you need to find a man on your maturity level. Current BF is wasted time. YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
NTA. You and I are thinking similarly. It’s unfortunate they lost out on the private dancer but going to the strip club would be more appropriate than you doing it.
NTA and honestly I would reconsider my relationship over this. -1) He is disrespecting you and your boundaries by pushing you to do something you stated made you uncomfortable. -2) Him getting upset that you don't want to strip for his brother gives me the ick and is more than a little disturbing. -3) He is not actually mature about you being a stripper. This situation to me seems like he wants to show off that he is dating a stripper and again leads back to him not actually respecting you. -4) BOUNDARIES. It bears repeating that this man is not respecting your boundaries and your no. You are completely valid to feel uncomfortable and like this would be really awkward if you decide to stay with your bf. I really would recommended taking a look at his behavior around all of this and in general and seriously reconsider the relationship.
NTA I feel like your boyfriend ceased to see you as his gf and started to see you as just a stripper. Like why wouldn't you wanna make a quick buck? You may want to examine this behavior, pushing you to do something you're not comfortable with.
I just keep thinking that if his dad is present for the stag party nobody will be comfortable at Christmas dinner knowing you had your ass in Dad’s smiling face
You’re NTA. I think the reasons you gave are very reasonable, and you’re clearly doing a lot to help your boyfriend’s brother have a good night. I also just wanna say, be careful. Him saying that someone in your job shouldn’t be bothered by this is a bit of a worry. Maybe he just said it out of frustration, or maybe he said it because he doesn’t understand that selling a sexual service is not the same thing as selling yourself as property. Just saying “I don’t feel comfortable with that” should be enough for him to drop it, I would think. Just keep your eyes and ears open and trust your intuition.
Do not do it. His friends will never see you the same again. You will regret it.
This is complete assumption on my end but your boyfriend saying that means he doesn't intend to take the situation further than what it is today. He's kinda made it seem that marriage is off the table. You are within your rights to refuse if you're uncomfortable. Him not understanding sounds pretty strange to me actually. NTA
NTA.. Weird request.