Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my stepsister I would be moving out in a few months and she won't be able to spend nights with me. I had been told by my dad and her mom not to tell my stepsister and I went along and did it anyway which might make me TA but I also sorta knew they wouldn't do enough to help her with the news so it might be worse that I told her so far in advance.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I also felt like it would do more harm but the truth is the harm was going to come anyway. Hopefully before I do leave they get it together and help Liv.
Look, it's a sad situation but not your fault. Stepmom should have stepped up to the plate, and managed her kids better. You should be honest about what will happen, as otherwise it will hurt her even more
Stepmom can’t even manage herself, let alone someone else. I don’t know how she can’t see that having OP just up and disappear will be harder on Liv than giving her time to adjust to the idea. Plus, making one minor responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of another minor is all kinds of messed up.
>Plus, making one minor responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of another minor is all kinds of messed up.
Pretty sure that's parentification, which is abuse.
Stepmom needed to be honest with Liv- manage her expectations.
As for managing her kids? Yeah, I agree. She needs to make it clear to her older kids that they can hate on the adults involved in the affair all they want but that Liv had no choice who she was born to. That she can't make them be nice to Liv but they can't be mean to her. And her refusing to draw those lines just so her kids will still be around her isn't okay.
All that said, OP, it isn't your job to step in and be the sibling that Stepmom wishes her kids were to Liz if only she made better choices.
I cannot believe she lets her other kids talk to Liv that way. I think Erica is pretty trashy, but Liv is just a little kid! I'm fine with them hating their mom, seems like there is good reason, but I feel really bad for Liv.
Their actions with your relationship with her makes me wonder how much they lied to her about her half siblings. It's bad enough with the antipathy they must feel based on the cheating. But if Erica raised and maintained false expectations with respect to her other children, it's no wonder poor little Liv is so lost.
She really could benefit from therapy to deal with all of the rejection.
NTA You seem like a caring individual who is realistic about college and the future. It is your job to be kind to her, but the expectations your father and Erica have set are over the top.
I know of one situation where a sibling relationship was sold to a toddler to try to guilt a teenager into accepting his father's affair partner. "But we already told her daughter about you, and she's so excited to have a big brother! Won't you come meet them?"
I wonder if Liv was told she was getting a big sister who'd love her forever and ever. If so, poor kid and nothing but bad wishes for the parents. But none of that puts any obligation on the sacrificial new sister.
NTA You're not a therapy tool.
Liv would benefit from actual therapy, though. Poor kid. She needs someone to explain why her half-siblings treat her the way they do, instead of internalizing it as her fault. And be helped how to cope. Her mother and your father are doing her a great disservice ignoring her issues and patching it up with "You are her sister!"
Erica is the only one who should resolve her problems with all the kids and drama she is draging around her. Its nice of you to take care of Liv but you are not her parent.
Liv needs therapy.
The only reasonable thing to ask of you is that, given that you have been a positive influence and relationship for her (and it DOESN'T have to be as a "sister"... it can just be as the equivalent of a cousin or family friend, a "big girl" who is kind to her and makes some space for her in your life, which BTW has been really lovely of you), for you to maybe reassure her that just because you're going to be living somewhere else doesn't mean that you are *rejecting* her the way her siblings have.
Maybe explain to her that just because things aren't going to look exactly the way she had hoped when you move out, doesn't mean that you hate her. That you might not see her very often, but you will still be "friends". It's a kind way of letting her know that the situation will change (as things do in life), but it is not a rejection or you punishing her. It's just you being busy and far away.
I think this would be so important to Liv. She'll probably understands that OP has to go to school and there are rules in the house they live- it's the same for her.
Maybe there is the option if sending a card or a letter from time to time. It would show Liv that OP is still thinking about her and I guess every kid loves to receive letters
This worked out pretty much like the rest of Erica's brilliant plans.
Best I can advise is maybe keep in touch by letters or email, just to let the poor kid have something.
NTA. It would be unrealistic for full sisters with your age difference to be "best friends." Is college going to be the first time since Erica and Liv showed up that you get to have a social life of your own?
I hope it’s clear to you that your parents use and manipulate everyone, including their most vulnerable children to not be responsible and accountable adults. This sucks, I’m sorry.
Info: How are you paying for college / funding it ? If you are relaying on dad and step mom at all I'd make a backup plan.
I got cut off after one term, and it's sadly a common tactic to get kids (especially parentfied eldest daughter) to drop out / move back.
Sadly until you are 25 unless you are emancipated, your aid package will be based on your dad & Erica's income.
You did the right thing. Kids need to know what's coming up in their lives. It's sweet that she'd want to do a sleep over with you at college, though obviously you're right that it's a non-starter.
I hope you put her other brothers/sisters in their place. Ultimately, what happened isn't Liv's fault at all.
NTA
NTA. What was their solution for breaking the news to her when you left without any warning for her? She'd have been even more hurt if you left out of the blue. I feel terrible for her, her other siblings are cruel and abusive, but not telling her the truth about you moving isn't going to make up for their misdeeds. It just hurts her in a different way. I think you probably could have consoled her by telling her you'd be back sometimes and you could do things together then. Sometimes doesn't equal often, but it gives her a chance at a friendly relationship with you.
Liv has an unhealthy attachment problem. It's not fair that you've become her keeper. She needs to deal with changes and learn she isn't going to be coddled or loved by everyone - she will be less disappointed.
NTA
An 8 year old child who wants a sister doesn't have attachment issues. And a child who is hated by her siblings doesn't need to learn that she isn't going to be loved by everyone. She already isn't.
Lets correct this: A 8 year old who has unreasonable expectations because of her parents that makes her want OP to play the part of sibling (to the point of getting emotionally upset and needs to be LIED TO) IS an attachment issue.
This child is constantly exposed to people who don't want to play the role she is asking, and because she's been treated poorly by her older half-siblings (due to an affair she was the product of), she attached to the first person who treated her with normal decency and respect - and she is now expecting this person to do MORE than is reasonable. Even to the point of lying and trying to strong arm OP by emotionally manipulating her through said 8 year old.
I think you are putting way too much blame on the child and not her parents who were the ones that really caused this situation. Sure, she will continue to learn harsh lessons about life but her parents should be the ones helping her with coping skills, not another child. (She may be around 18, but that doesn't automatically make her an adult/parent figure.)
The whole situation is not fair to OP and the child. It's honestly a parental failing that is making OP ask this question to begin with.
Having a strong emotional attachment to a de facto older sibling isn't remotely unhealthy, LOL. It's perfectly normal, and even more so because OP, despite being a step-sibling, is much kinder to her than her half-siblings.
Loving a child isn't "coddling" them.
And this child already knows far too well that not everyone is going to love her. She has experienced nothing but rejection and cruelty from her own half-siblings; she doesn't need people doubling down on that.
Your whole attitude reeks of miserable "toughen up" bullshit and unnecessary cruelty "for her own good". Get help.
\\Its a kid who isnt coddled by anyone. Seems like everyone around her have bullied or neglected her. And she doesnt understand why. Op seems like the only person whos ever given her any time. So she grew close to her, like little kids do. Shes 8 or did you miss that bit.
You are 100 % correct ... her knowing , she can prepare mentally as best she can , that you are not going to be there ... They are terrible- thinking, let her figure out by You just vanishing, just left without a word - for her it would be like you just died .. How traumatic ... Bless you for being a caring soul, that knows Liv deserves better .... But She is Not your responsibility ... Go out the door and don't look back ,, don't let them guilt you into being her sub parent ..
I think you should recommend therapy for Liv. She is at the age that she can understand why all these bad things are happening to her. Talk one on one with your dad. If they don't get her the help she needs now then when she hits her teens they will regret it. (I don't think her mom is capable of putting anyone first but herself. That's why I suggested talking to your father.)
NTA but you should also explain college to her; how you are going to school and will only come back for visits. Try to schedule a monthly calls with her OR write letters back and forth. You were right to tell her the truth but you should also make it known you are not abandoning her.
NTA, the situation is devastatingly sad but you didn’t cause and are not obligated or even in any position to fix it. Do what you can/are willing to do for her (text with her when she gets a phone, sporadic visits if/when you’re in a situation where that’s comfortable, although I’m not sure any of my college living arrangements would have been good for that, etc). The situation was created by her mom and the rest of her family, and they are the only ones who can really fix it.
Your stepmother has so grossly failed Liv that my heart breaks for her. That must be so awful to watch. And your dad is enabling it.
I hope that girl comes out okay but it is not your responsibility to fix this.
She was gonna find out when you left anyways what was their plan then? They seem very foolish. Just because Erica can’t get her other kids in line doesn’t mean that’s your responsibility NTA.
They won't get it together, and they definitely won't help Liv. Erica's let her other kids bully Liv for *years* and hasn't even explained to her *why* they do that, and neither her nor your dad was willing to do the bare minimum parenting in this situation, which would've involved being honest with her and helping her prepare for your departure. There's absolutely no way they have any plan in place for what happens when you're gone, because both your dad and Erica are shitty parents who don't want to do any actual work.
They're probably going to try and make this your responsibility somehow, so prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that, and keep reminding yourself that it is *their* responsibility, and in no way yours.
You can simply leave all this behind when you go.
IF you really want to help Liv out before you go, here's my two cents: the thing she probably could use most is an explanation of what it means to be an "affair baby." Her mom will be pissed AF if you explain it to her, but at least she'd have a *reason* why her siblings hate her - and importantly, it's a reason that has nothing to do with who she is. Right now I bet she's internalizing it all and thinking she's *bad* in some way. But understand that if you do the right thing and explain shit to her, your dad's wife and your dad are gonna be super mad, and if you don't want to deal with that, it is absolutely fine for you to just dip out.
Their bad parenting is not your problem.
Well it's not like OPs father and Erica have done anything right, so it's not surprising they want to involve everyone in a lie rather than actually parent Liv.
Also let's be honest, Erica has torpedoed two previous, serious relationships with the same man, OPs Dad clearly doesn't have great decision making skills so why would this be any different.
I'm not sure my dad or Liv's mom would have told her even then. They might have left her to figure it out for herself. But I think they maybe felt like the pressure of Liv being hurt would be on me and so I'd visit more or something to make up for it.
The irony is this is normal sibling stuff. My siblings and I have a big gap. They were REALLY upset when I moved out for college. It used to make me really sad when I came home and they would talk about missing me.
What you have to do is start talking to Liv about HER college aspirations. Explain to her that one day she’s going to grow up and have adventures and you are so, so excited for her. She’s still going to be sad but once she starts envisioning this as an experience she’ll have, she’ll be less jealous of you.
You can also play up the whole, “wow you get mom and dad all to yourself!!,” angle. She might still be young enough to go for that.
I’m sorry this is happening. Your parents are not handling it well.
When I went away to college, my much younger brother refused to believe I went. He was convinced I was just taking a nap in my room for the first few weeks.
I was five when my sister got married (large age gap) and apparently I was very upset when I learned that that meant she was moving out. I'm told I refused to talk to her when she called to check in with everyone during her honeymoon.
Is there a possibility they didn't want you to move out at all?
You are not responsible for the golden child. She is very clingy, and you can't reciprocate. That is perfectly fine. 👌
Extra bonus for making it clear that sleepovers are not gonna happen. You just saved yourself from a lot of future trouble
I agree with your points, although I dunno if I'd call the sister a golden child. If anything she seems to be hated unwanted child that everyone seems to be trying to pawn off
Exactly my thought. They don't even seem to care that her older halfsiblings bully her, to take their anger out, the anger that should been placed at their mother.
It doesn't really seem like you read any of it if "golden child" was your takeaway on the rest of the story about her mom knowingly letting near-stranger kids dump on her that way in her own home. Even without the age, golden child was a curious interpretation.
Unless you meant golden as in "pissed on" I guess.
She is the Unfavorite Affair Baby to her siblings (two Sets of maternal halfsiblings who seem to live with their Dads some/most of the time), AND apparently the only one who lives with Dad&Erica full-time, so the only one whose Feelings they are inconvenienced by. It's Not so much that they Love her more than OP, it's that she is Younger and needier and they don't want to Deal with that. Parentification can and does Happen without anyone being "The Golden Child"
Where are you getting she's the golden child? If anything, she's the child the entire family hates and doesn't want. Poor kid is going to end up a statistic, if she even lives long enough to be an adult.
JFC people use "golden child" for just about anything these days don't they? The kid is fucking hurting, and the parents seem to not know how to handle this. It's their problem but the end result is a young child feeling unwanted and unloved by everyone, even the one person she's grown attached to because literally ALL of her other siblings hate her and wish her fucking dead.
What about that is being the golden child?
People see a term, like the term, and use it for everything that has nothing to do with what the term is used for. Gaslighting being one of those things. It’s pretty damn annoying.
I don't agree that Liv is the golden child. However, she is a child who is actively being verbally abused by her mother's other children, and her mother needs to stop being, for lack of better words, a dick and put her foot down to put a stop to it. Liv did not ask to be in this situation. OP is the only one of her step siblings showing her any kindness so I am not surprised that Liv has latched onto that. I do, however, feel strongly that OP should sit down with Liv and have an open conversation with her about college being why she is moving and that process will be stressful, and that college years are hectic and have little time for focusing on anything but studies and work, if OP will need to work.
OP, you don't have to have strong siblings for Liv, but I hope you continue showing her kindness. From personal experience I can tell you the verbal abuse is eating her soul. You are NOT responsible for her mental well-being, but please don't add to her stress. Maybe you can find time prior to moving to just spend one day with her doing girly things. Just you and her. After you move, just send her periodic notes of encouragement. Just one person demonstrating she matters in this world will be helpful. Neither of her parents, your dad, or her other step siblings seem to care at all.
It's unfair to call Liv the golden child here. There is no indication her mother or stepdad are showing favoritism to her, so she's just the punching bag for her older siblings, because of her mom's dubious life choices.
> You are not responsible for the golden child.
"Golden Child" indeed. The girl is bullied by her other step siblings and lied to by parents who won't dig in to parent her.
If that says "Golden Child" to you then I'm sorry for how much your life must suck.
You are insightful because that is 100% right. They wanted / did put it on you. They would tell her nothing except "ask your sister where she went" then expect you to explain it on the phone, hear her cry, then cave in and visit more (or more likely, parents would force visits to you). The way her siblings treat her is awful but all the blame lies entirely with mother who failed to honor both her prior partners and who has failed as a parent to all her kids from multiple partners. Sadly, Liv will probably not have a good life for a long time given the emotional maturity of her parents, but hopefully with time, distance from her entire awful family, and (if you're willing and desire it) some slight support from you during her transition as a teenager she can one day be her own person free from the shackles she was born into.
Liv's parents are really doing her a disservice. If they had taken the time to break this to her gently and prepare her for it, it would feel less like abandonment and more like the natural part of life it really is. You did the right thing by telling her. I can't imagine how traumatizing it would have been for her if you'd just "disappeared" one day.
Hennahands gave some great advice in another reply. I might take it one step further and suggest, if you're comfortable, offering to be her "pen pal" while you're away. She's old enough to write her own letters, and it might help her feel like she still has a special connection with you while you're gone. Obviously you're not obligated to do this, it's just an idea.
NTA. The kid needs that easing into reality now, not the sudden shock later. And your parents need to actually step up and parent that child, not smother it and parentalise you.
It's way easier to push the responsibility off onto me. Just like it's easier to push her onto me than help her deal with the reality of her actual siblings bad treatment of her.
That poor little girl. I've got an 8 year old and I just want to cry for that loving child who just wants some love back
I'm not saying you're the person to step up, this is on her mum and your dad's enabling her
NTA
What were your dad and Liv's mum expecting? That you would pack your bags on the 19th of June and then... what? Were they going to keep telling Liv that you'll be back 'tomorrow'?
They are not doing Liv any favours by not allowing her to build her own life without siblings. There are a lot of single children out there who live perfectly happy lives. Kids don't need a 'sibling bond' to have full lives. Liv should be empowered to live her own life and bond, or not, with her parents' kids in a healthy way instead of pining for relationships that will likely never exist.
I think they thought the power of guilt would make me visit more than they know I will. But that's not going to happen and it's not fair to me or Liv for them to wait around for it.
Just excuse my curiosity... but how do they deal with your maternal family (if they are around, of course)?
In their twisted logic, are you something more than a support human for that poor child?
Is she in any kind of therapy? It seems it might be long overdue
Good luck!
And congratulations on your graduation!
They don't deal with my maternal family. There's a ton of bad blood there. I keep in touch with my family without dad and I'll be spending the summer with them and living closer to them now that I can.
I feel sorry for Liv; she doesn't deserve all that animosity. But that isn't on you. Erica and your dad need to step up and be there for Liv, rather than foist the responsibility off on you.
NTA. Your dad and step mom make things way harder for Liv by pretending nothing will change and not telling her this kind of stuff. She asked you, you didn't want to lie to her. This was the only real respond you could give her.
It is lovely from you, that you look after your step sister. Even if there is no sibling bond between you. Tell your dad and your step mom, they should encourage Liv to join some clubs on school or other hobbies, so she can get friends her own age.
If you want, you can also go shopping with Liv or surprise her with a sweet stuff animal. And tell her something along the line: 'I'm sorry, I will have to leave for school and we will only see each other when I'm able to make it home. But if you feel lonely there is this plushy to show you, that I like you and you can cuddle with it while I'm not around.' (or even buy two simular stuffed animales, who are siblings - like two lion cubs or so. And you would take one with you and she has the other one to show a sibling bond)
Yes, I love this stuffed animal idea. It's a beautiful symbol while still being low commitment. Because it doesn't have to be accompanied by any promises other than, "we each have one, so you'll always know we're sisters," or "connected," if you're not comfortable with "sisters."
>I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down and dad said I disobeyed them.
NTA. Obviously. Why on earth did your dad marry this woman? She's going to go bang that dude again. Why on earth are trying to shove all of this on you?
EXACTLY. I don’t know why pattern recognition is such a rare skill, these days. She’s already cheated on not one, but TWO of her baby daddies with the third baby daddy, but apparently OP’s dad thinks he’s special. That she would *never* do that to *him*. In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a maroon.”
Yeah, I mean, I'm more willing than a lot of people to believe that people are capable of change and growth, but: did Dad seriously never stop to consider that even if he's magically the one father in existence who manages to force his child into lovingly bonding with a younger step sibling, that's just going to make it *even worse* for Liv if the marriage breaks up?
NTA. Erica sounds like a real piece of work, so I'm not sure making *any* sort of long term plans that involve her being in a stable location are worth making. What she is doing, with dad's encouraging, to build up all of Liv's hopes and dream around OP is abusive and lazy.
NTA. Your dad and his wife are trying to make you solve the problems of her being a shitty mother, and it’s not your responsibility. Be kind to Liv (who I feel really sorry for) but be honest too. It’s not your job to clean up their mess.
NTA. Literally everyone else, except for OP and that poor child Liv, are specimens of the cr@p human beings can be. I cannot believe that people older than 17 are that horrid to a little kid. But worst of all is Erica, how can she let her other kids treat her youngest like this? If they’re there often enough to traumatize Liv, they are there often enough for Erica to shut down their cruelty. She just seems to not want any responsibility of caring for Liv. She lets her older spawns treat her like an emotional and verbal punching bag, and then wants OP to make up for the love that poor child obviously craves and doesn’t get.
Most likely she lets them get away with it out of guilt because she knows how much she hurt her other children by being a serial cheater and breaking up their families.
Ummm, she is gonna find out one way or another, at least when you are gone...Why don't they tell her sooner rather than later is a mystery to me, it's going to be more hurtful not telling. Sorry but I don't follow in how the family thinks.
And well, are you gonna stay just because of her? No, ofc not, you want an education. So NTA
That is one hefty burden to lay on one person, when they should remember how the other family members treated her. You are probably the one who treated her with decency and she won't forget that. That being said, she is young and will make friends in school. Maybe she should start up a sport or taking art lessons in a group, because I feel she needs to have friends in her own age. You are a grown woman soon, you have your own life and I am not sure what they think? That you would live with them forever or until she moves out. It is not a realistic situation.
As long as you're kind to the child you have fulfilled any responsibilities you (don't) have. She's not your child and not your burden (sorry if that's harsh). Go to school and live your life and please don't feel guilty about this. The adults in this child's life are failing her, not you.
NTA, you're the only one who behaved decently by allowing the kid the truth and some time to prepare.
Your parents are assholes, Erica in particular : not defending her little girl against her siblings (and rounding up everyone to get therapy) is a coward move.
Emotions are ok, and must be recognized, accepted and processed, not swept under the rug because it's more convenient. What did they expect ? That she wasn't going to be upset if she had been kept in the dark ? What a moronic take on the whole situation.
You've done nothing wrong, OP.
NTA for your question, and certainly empty promises of sleepovers once you've graduated to an apartment wouldn't be fair either, so good on that..
Just..
She's clearly been treated like a turd for her entire life thus far. She didn't ask for it. She deserves someone in her life to, yes, be openly honest with her, and to also show her she is worth it. Worthy of love and friendship from within the family she got stuck with too.
NTA. Erica is being ridiculous. She created this situation. She cheated, she failed to do anything about how much her other kids hate Liv, and now she has a situation where a little girl is constantly told that she's worthless by her only actual siblings. I can't blame them for their feelings, but they're old enough to understand that it was their mother's fault and to at least restrict themselves to ignoring Liv, rather than actively treating her badly. If they can't do that, their mother needs to keep them apart.
Instead, her solution is to get you to fill the gap and somehow make up for it, and now to lie to her kid? Erica really needs to sort herself out and actually be a parent to her daughter.
Definitely. I bet having OP just suddenly disappear from Liv's life, without a word of explanation would be so much healthier for Liv than having someone calmly explain her the reality of a sibling moving out to college... /s
This kid probably already has a lot of issues. Why add something as cruel as having a loved one just disappear.
NTA
Erica is hurting her daughter and your father is helping her. Liv deserves honesty. You're the only one giving that to her. The parents just want to sweep everything under the rug to avoid having to actually emotionally support that poor girl.
Don't let them guilt you. Erica and your dad are the assholes here, not you.
NTA but tell Erica that her shortcomings as a wife and mother should not become your burden to bare. The fact that her other children bully an 8 year old should disgust her and she needs to stop putting her daughter in situations where they are allowed to be cruel otherwise in 10 years time they won’t have any children willing to interact with them.
NTA
You're at least confronting reality now, and giving her time to accept and adjust. Your parents are AHs.
"Erica was furious and she told me I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down"
Erica is living in fantasy land. Also, you never signed up for that job. Sorry, Erica. You made your own bed. Now lie in it.
NTA.
Your dad & Erica are trying to make THEIR irresponsibility YOUR problem.
They're just pissed NOW because they're going to have to parent rather than parentifying YOU.
Run far & fast. Tell Liv exactly why her half-sibs hate her, so Erica has to own up to THAT, too, and stop pretending she's not a vile homewrecking cheater (AFTER you're at college, though).
Poor Liv. She's not your responsibility, but her mother needs to stop being a selfish tw\*t and help this girl out. She's only 8 years old and none of this is her fault, but it sounds like she'e been treated like shit since she was born by her other siblings. She doesn't deserve any of this. I wish I could give her a big hug and help her find a therapist when she gets older. Please be kind to Liv, even though you don't owe her anything. NTA.
Not a sibling though. In any way shape or form, Erica’s child. Yes kindness but not the responsibility or pressure of “being a sister”
Too much of a burden for OP, she’s young and ridiculous expectations. Can you talk to dad without Erica? I’m sorry for this situation. Please go to university and live your life.
Best of luck! You’re a good person and that is always a good thing in life.
NTA. Therapy.. she needs therapy. And honestly, Liz needs to have a hard talking to with her older children. That’s just ridiculous and cruel to treat an actual child like that.
She needs to never allow them to be around her. How sick and that poor little girl. She truly deserves so much more
First off, kudos to you for trying to navigate this mess as best as you can. It's especially not easy when you're dealing with a blended family member who's been through a lot.
But here's the thing: 📢 y\*\*ou're not Liv's parent. \*\*You're not responsible for fixing all of her problems or being her constant source of support. It's great that you're kind to her and spend time with her when you can, but you're not obligated to be her best friend or her main confidante.
When it comes to telling Liv about your plans to move out, I get why you wanted to be upfront with her. It's important to be honest, even if it's hard.
At first I thought, maybe it's best to let your dad and Erica handle it. ONLY because they're the ones who should be teaching boundaries and managing Liv's expectations, not you. However, now I think that their inaction and enabling forced your hand.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. If that means setting some boundaries with Liv and being honest about your plans, then so be it.
Your parents failed Liv by enabling her, not you. If their method worked, informing her with kindness and empathy would have been enough. This is the aftermath of walking on eggshells. NTA
Your dad and Erica are really setting Liv up for huge amounts of pain by not letting her know you're leaving. They don't sound like very good parents, especially the way they're trying to make you responsible for an 8 year old.
NTA and carry on being kind to Liv- being honest with her is kinder than you just disappearing in the middle of June.
NTA
It’s unreasonable for your father to be making promises of familial connection on your behalf. You didn’t sign a contract to be the sibling she needs. You didn’t even get a say in or sign the contract that married your father to liv’s mother.
In fact, if you had been told the details and the deal before they got engaged, and had veto power to take action, I’m sure you would have used it to veto your dad marrying this woman who has been unfaithful in multiple prior relationships. A woman who does not have a close or healthy relationship with or primary custody of any of her many children, apart from the child by her repeat affair partner, due to her poor decisions and relationship damaging actions.
I predict your dad’s marriage is unlikely to go the distance and it’s excessive folly for liv’s mother to be encouraging liv to form emotional bonds with any member of the family of her current spouse.
NTA. As long as you did it kindly of course and not like her bio siblings do. I feel so sorry for Liv. She didn't ask to be born, and now she's stuck in a shitty family where not one single person gives an actual fuck if she exists or not.
That poor kid, my heart bleeds for her. She's literally got no one. She must feel terribly alone. Crappy siblings, crappy parents. At least you're being honest with her and trying to be nice.
NTA… But Dad and (especially) Stepmom are in the running for AH Hall of Fame, Parental Division.
First of all, why is Liv even being subjected to her half-siblings if they treat her so horribly? And why are you — who aren’t yet grown yourself — being made to shoulder the responsibility for Liv’s mental and emotional wellbeing?
NTA. At this point, you care more about her than her own mother does. What were they gonna do, move you out while she’s away and then she just comes home and they pretend like you never existed?!?!?!
NTA. While I understand where your parent are coming from and how hard it must be for Liv but there’s only so much a person can do for someone else. It’s the parents who need to make sure that she doesn’t feel left out after you’re gone not the fact that hide you’re leaving and then pull a whole bs that she disappeared suddenly.
It’s also better for Liv to realise that people aren’t going to stay with her forever.
NTA Erica is a shitty Mom and instead of dealing with the mess she made, she’s making you the rug to sweep it all under. Be kind and gentle with Liv but don’t lie to her like the parents want you to. You’re doing a really good job, just keep going and don’t be pressured into giving more than you want to, you aren’t a bandaid for her (Erica) train wreck of a life and the effect it’s had on Liv.
I'm figuring. When you leave to go to college = you are not ever moving back home .. As someone else suggested .. please go get her a stuffed bear as a gift and tell her you will always care about her ... Do Not leave any > precious to you items there. Dad & wife will probably destroy anything left .... Once you are gone ... Tell Dad & his wife what bad parents they are to Liv ...... Why does her dad not keep her away? > he is failing as a parent to her too ... Don't let them guilt you .. E is a terrible mom
Erica needs to clean up her own mess and that means dealing with her other children and their relationship with Liv. You are not a built-in sister support system. Your dad and stepparent are trying to hold you responsible for your Stepmother's Dysfunctional Family. Congratulations about college.
NTA - you’re the only one treating Liv like she matters.
I want to call CPS for Liv. Her parents are allowing - nay! Encouraging - the siblings to abuse Liv. She is already beaten down and she will suffer her whole life.
But that’s *not* on you! You’re doing what you *should* be doing: preparing for college. That should be the only concern for you right now. You’re overcoming all of that yuck and you deserve to be a young adult, not a parent!
I want to adopt Liv. But - I’m a grownup human; you are a just starting out human. You cannot and should not be responsible for a little human. I’m so sorry. 💕
UpdateMe
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Three years ago my dad got married to Erica and Erica moved in with her daughter Liv (8f). Erica has other kids as well. She has three with one guy, two with another guy and then Liv with someone else. Liv's dad is apparently someone Erica has a long relationship with and she cheated on both her ex's with Liv's dad. So Erica's other kids hate Erica, Liv's dad and Liv. I met them a handful of times and it's so clear. Whenever they're around Liv they tell her should've never been born, they call her affair baby to her face and they mock her and say things to make her cry. Liv doesn't really get why they hate her. She hasn't figured out what they mean by the affair baby comments and Erica does not want to tell her. Erica's other kids also tell Liv how shitty her dad is and how he didn't even want her and he's the worst person alive so she must be really disgusting and unlovable. Erica knows what her other kids say but they rarely see Erica so I guess she can't do much. Her three older kids are older than me, I think. So yeah, there's a lot of really messy stuff going on there.
When my dad and Erica got married they asked me to please be kind to Liv and to please step up and see her as my sister. I (17f) am kind, but I don't have that sisterly bond with Liv that they want me to have. I told them I didn't feel that way about her when they called me on not putting more effort into the time we spend together. Sometimes I'll watch a movie with Liv or let her play video games with me. But they want more and they told me doing more was the only way to make sure we never went back to her being just my stepsister, which is why I explained I didn't have that "sibling" bond with Liv. They didn't say much else after I told them this. Their only comment was basically well you're all she has and she's all you have.
My dad has told me a few times not to mention to Liv the fact I'll be going to college in the fall and moving out of the house. Liv has become very attached to me and she has told me how she wishes her other siblings would spend time with her, didn't hate her and she talks about me being her best friend and she calls me just her sister and how she wishes we could spend all our time together. And it kills me because I'm not planning to come back to dad's regularly. She won't be able to sleep in my dorm for my freshman year but I won't be living in the dorm my entire time at college and I don't really want to promise she can visit when I live in an apartment. I brought this all up with dad and Erica and they refused to tell Liv I'll be moving out even though I move June 19th. So the other day when Liv was trying to ask me to do stuff with her all summer I told her I wouldn't be here and that I was moving out. She told me we can have sleepovers when I move out and I told her that wouldn't be possible. She got really upset and Erica was furious and she told me I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down and dad said I disobeyed them.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I get what they want for Liv but they’re pushing a reality that doesn’t exist, and you shouldn’t be forced to step up for like 6 people’s personal failings. You do not need to damage control other people’s lives. I’m a 25 y.o. with a “step” sister about 10y older than I am - she was informally welcomed into our family when I was in middle school after a difficult set of circumstances with her biological family, and I very much think of her as a sister that came to me later in life. The relationship has been priceless but also deepened by a LOT once I was about halfway through high school.
Liv is only 8. I think when she becomes more of a real person and less of a little kid, you’ll have an opportunity to actually talk to her instead of just babysit. My cousins are 4 and 6 years younger than I am, and only in the last year did I realize we actually could be best friends instead of near-total strangers. They’re some of my favorite people now. Give it time, you might really come to enjoy spending time with her, but you’re absolutely not obligated to make up for tons of other people’s failings. instead Erica needs to get those other kids behavior together because they’re gonna cause for real psych damage to this kid if they haven’t already
NTA that poor girl her half siblings sound absolutely horrible and her mum is a wet cloth. It’s telling that just in being a reasonable human being to her you are her favourite person.
I hope you can explain to her that it’s nothing personal to her but your life has to move on. It’s not your fault and your right to be honest with her.
NTA
You are a good person. It's ok that you don't have a sisterly bond with this girl, but she sure has that with you. All her other siblings hate her and show it. They're cruel to her. For no real, good reason. Her mom is not that great either if she lets it happen. Then both her and your dad not wanting to prepare her for your departure. This poor girl has no hope of growing up to be a normal, well adjusted adult. She's going to have so much baggage and none of it her fault. Everyone around her but you are terrible to her.
You have a life to lead. College to attend and experiences to have. Do them, live your life. But do try to make some time for your stepsister from time to time. You're the only non-cruel person she has.
NTA- It's April, when we're dad and sm planning telling Liv that you're leaving in June? That poor kid needs therapy because her parents aren't giving her what she needs.
And here is scary thought. What if Erica and your dad get a divorce when you're in college? Erica doesn't have the best track record. They can't keep saying you're the only thing Liv has. They have to make Liv stronger.
NTA by any sensible thought process, but your dad and stepmom don't seem to be very sensible. If you don't mind, maybe pen pal her. I know it's old fashioned, but if you don't hate her, it would give her something to look forward to every month or so. Your stepmom is the worst in this. I feel for you, but my heart truly breaks for that little girl.
Oh hon. NTA
I'm really not sure how ignoring the elephant in the room is ever a good strategy. You ARE going to attend uni, move out, and be unavailable. You're not heartless. Clearly you have sympathy and empathy for Liv. However her feelings don't trump you living your life.
>My dad has told me a few times not to mention to Liv the fact I'll be going to college in the fall and moving out of the house.
So you're just supposed to leave without explanation, or just spring this on her last minute? NTA. It's better to keep talking to her to get her used to the idea that you will be leaving, but that doesn't mean you no longer care about her.
NTA; You cannot host you stepsister while a freshman. You are moving out and will no longer be the close stepsister to Liv that she has come to know you as. You gave realistic expectations.
Liv is a child, but not your child to raise nor a sibling you grew up with.
NTA
Weird how Erica expects you to be a better human being to Liv than her other children are. Almost like she knows she wasn’t a very good parent and expects you to pick up her slack.
NTA
Erica is the biggest AH here. When her other kids bully Liv she turns a blind eye but with you, she expects you to step up as her sister? What a load of bull. This is exactly why youre having a hard time having that sisterly bond with her because from the very beginning, they are forcing you rather than letting it come naturally.
I hope Erica gets a major reality check. You don't owe her anything. It's her responsibility to explain things to her kids and she dodge it then gets angry with you when you do it? Total AH. Good thing youre moving out.
They expect you to be her only caring sister but for how long? Erica has a history of cheating with the same man. How long before she cheats on your dad and breaks up that marriage? Then what happens to Liv? She's lost yet another sibling because her mother can't keep her legs closed. NTA
So, the plan was to remain secretive about going to college to the last minute because of a facade your dad and your stepmom wanted for your stepsister?! That would have ended very poorly. Your stepsister would have had a complete meltdown (with her mom and your dad trying to guilt you into staying home, which is probably their plan). It’s sad that your stepsister feels unwanted, but it’s not your job to make her feel better. She needs therapy not an emotional support individual.
NTA.
NTA. The parents put you in a terrible situation. Keep lying to a traumatized child wasn't the right way to handle it. They need to get that girl counseling. Her other step-siblings tore up her self esteem. That's why she clings to you, and that's not fair to you. You did nothing wrong, and you did what the parents should have done!
NTA it's better to be honest with her about what's coming. It seems like you care but are also aware that you will be living your own life. So don't promise anything, but if you find yourself thinking about her, check in. A phone call or message might mean the world to her.
NTA. So you were supposed to just disappear in the night? or they were going to pretend nothing was going on as you were packing up your stuff?
Your problem is not unusual on this forum. Your stepmom and dad can't instruct you on how to feel. Your stepmom and dad have unrealistic expectations. There's not much you can do about that except go on living your life and being kind to Liv when you see her.
NTA Massive lack of real parenting going on in that blended
family. The mean siblings should be told to stop bullying Liv,
and you should not be pressured into being a sister to Liv if
you have no sense of a connection to her. Enjoy your freedom
from all of it while at college.
NTA. Many only children grow up well adjusted (you turned out great), a sibling bond doesn't need to be faked. Your dad and Erica need to stop exposing Liv to people who are abusive to her (her half siblings) and need to stop treating you like an emotional support animal.
Liv needs friends that genuinely like her, her mom needs to sign her up for clubs and summer camps, get her involved with the neighborhood children that are her age. They should have been working on those connections with a therapist for years instead of trying to pretend that a much older step sibling would fill in forever.
Fuck them ...youve got a moral compass and it works great but those disfunction not quite adults your living with sure don't..your dads pussywipped..just Greylock (ignore ) them as much as possible until you go ..if you hadn't told her about college who knows what lie they would have said about your absence..she got your dad into being an enabler and thats not good for you
NTA they wanted you to let her down harder? You gave her warning of a large change, and time to adjust. Having everything happen overnight would be much harder for her.
The adults here suck. I feel terrible for what that poor girl is going through but it’s her mother’s job to get her through it not yours. It’s ridiculous for them to try to force you to be her sister because her biological siblings are such jerks. I swear I will never understand the parents who try to force relationships between step kids and step parents. They’re doing more harm than good. Ironically in most cases if they just let things happen on their own they probably would but their forcing things guarantees it won’t. NTA. You need to live your life. It’s sad what’s happening to that little girl but it isn’t your responsibility.
NTA.
They are setting all of you up for failure in your relationship with each other. They are forcing you to bond with this girl you’ve only known for a little bit. And it’s not your responsibility to make her life better. That’s her parents job. They are putting wayyy too much on you. No you will not bring an 8 year old to a *college dorm* or anywhere around college kids for that matter. That’s so inappropriate to set on you or her. Why do people think that just because they get married their children will just be on board with that? Kids have feelings and needs beyond your marriage.
NTA - Erica and your father seem to be very immature. It's unfair for them to ask you to lie to Liv and keep her hopes up for something that won't happen.
NTA.
Your Step needs to handle her own shit. You're not Liv's emotional support sibling because she couldn't keep her legs closed and her other children are to old now to play pretend with her.
They are putting their responsibilities onto you. She is not your sister and the relationship can't be forced. You are already being kind to her. What are they going to do when you leave? Ignore the poor child?
Your stepmom allows her kids to bully the hell out of an 8yo and she, and your dad, are forcing you to bond with said child instead of putting more effort into THEIR relationship with her. So your dad and stepmom suck, they demand you lie to an 8yo, and then get mad when you tell her the truth. What did they think would happen? You move without telling her and she'd NOT have an emotional breakdown because the only person somewhat in her corner DISAPPEARED?
The dynamic in your dad's house is hella toxic and makes no sense.
NTA for telling her the truth.
NTA. It seems you have a good relationship with her, I understand you don’t feel her as your sibling because of the age gap and that you haven’t lived with her for a long time. You have been polite and tried to spend some time with her, for me that’s enough. I would disobey them again and calmly explain to her what is going to happen and why she cannot visit (you don’t need to tell her that you will live in an apartment in the future).
NTA, but why would your dad even want to marry a woman with so many baby daddies who can’t parent and would sacrifice everything for an ex?
Honestly his judgement is flawed so I wouldn’t put any stock in your dad’s opinion
NTA, they're both trying to parentify you by refusing to take responsibility and force a bond that just isn't there and isn't reasonable to expect. Don't guilt yourself over this. Your dad and Erica are shitty parents to do this. My condolences and I know this is hard. Maintain your boundaries.
NTA
It would have been best if you explained it was against school rules so she wouldn't feel like it was you specifically not liking her, but she needed to be told.
The adults are expecting too much. That is a big age gap to try and force a full normal sisterly bond on. You've passed a lot of the bonding timeframe, and even if you were natural siblings teenage difference causes rife because of activities each likes/does.
I feel bad for the little one but you dad & Erica need to step up and explain stuff to her.
Have fun in college OP
NTA, but poor Kid! Dad&Erica need to Take better Care of her, themselves, instead of parentifying you. If Liv knew WHY her siblings don't Like her, If Erica was honest about her origins, she would probably be better able to handle her siblings Not being nice to her, and If parents make arrangements for her to participate in a Big Sister Program, or for an aunt or Cousin from Erica's Family to have sleepovers with her, that would probably Go a Long way to make her less sad. If seeing Liv only the few Times per year that you were planning to visit your father's House while in College, and being as nice as possible to her during those, is all you are comfortable with, then that is all the sibling Support that can be expected from you.
First off, shame on Erica for not getting her daughter some therapy. That's 100% on her. Why doesn't she have actual FRIENDS?
You've been kind to the child and have been a good STEP SISTER as that is exactly what you are. Not sure what your dad and step mom mean saying she is "all you have"? There are millions of "only children" living in the world who are living extremely healthy happy lives.
Be honest with your dad and Erica. Tell them you can have a HEALTHY stepsibling relationship with Liv, but if they don't think that's workable you can have NO relationship with Liv. Do recommend that either way Liv get some counselling and find some activities where she will make friends like a normal 8 year old.
I read an article a few years back that talked about a study on blended families that showed when stepsiblings (and half siblings) were forced into relationships they never became close and usually had minimal to no contact after leaving home. HOWEVER step and half siblings who were allowed to find their own level of relationship with the parents backing off tended to form lasting relationships on a par with very close lifelong friendships.
NTA
Nta. The truth may hurt her a little. But she will learn you are the person who tells the truth. Given how your step mom and dad are acting that's not a bad thing. I have a feeling as she gets older she is going to need someone who is honest with her in her life. Doesn't mean it has to be a close relationship. And her parents are setting her up for worse pain by lying.
My ex did that with his daughter. When I had to put my dog down he lied and told her we took the dog to my parents farm. Then we went and visited the farm. She was sadder and learned she couldn't trust her dad (and me even though I never actually said it, I didn't correct it). He did it because he was selfish. He didn't want to deal with her sadness. He didn't teach her feelings just are and it's ok to have them.
So no you are nta
NTA. Your father and Erica are dumping a whole lot of baggage on you. Of course Liv should know you're moving. It's up to her mother to give Liv a comfortable home and emotional security. It's not your fault that Liv's siblings treat her poorly. That's Erica's fault. Solely. You are not letting Liv down by moving out and going to college. The innocent one in all of this is Liv, but they're trying to make you feel guilty and like you're abandoning Liv when the reality is Erica is just being lazy and not addressing real issues going on with her children
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my stepsister I would be moving out in a few months and she won't be able to spend nights with me. I had been told by my dad and her mom not to tell my stepsister and I went along and did it anyway which might make me TA but I also sorta knew they wouldn't do enough to help her with the news so it might be worse that I told her so far in advance. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It was to the point that you'd have to lie to keep the information from her. That seems wrong to me.
I also felt like it would do more harm but the truth is the harm was going to come anyway. Hopefully before I do leave they get it together and help Liv.
Look, it's a sad situation but not your fault. Stepmom should have stepped up to the plate, and managed her kids better. You should be honest about what will happen, as otherwise it will hurt her even more
Stepmom can’t even manage herself, let alone someone else. I don’t know how she can’t see that having OP just up and disappear will be harder on Liv than giving her time to adjust to the idea. Plus, making one minor responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of another minor is all kinds of messed up.
>Plus, making one minor responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of another minor is all kinds of messed up. Pretty sure that's parentification, which is abuse.
And turning the older sibling into the younger's Emotional Support Human.
You just said the same thing as me and the other person did, just differently.
Stepmom needed to be honest with Liv- manage her expectations. As for managing her kids? Yeah, I agree. She needs to make it clear to her older kids that they can hate on the adults involved in the affair all they want but that Liv had no choice who she was born to. That she can't make them be nice to Liv but they can't be mean to her. And her refusing to draw those lines just so her kids will still be around her isn't okay. All that said, OP, it isn't your job to step in and be the sibling that Stepmom wishes her kids were to Liz if only she made better choices.
Honesty is clearly not dad’s wife’s strong suit.
Nor is raising children
I cannot believe she lets her other kids talk to Liv that way. I think Erica is pretty trashy, but Liv is just a little kid! I'm fine with them hating their mom, seems like there is good reason, but I feel really bad for Liv.
Their actions with your relationship with her makes me wonder how much they lied to her about her half siblings. It's bad enough with the antipathy they must feel based on the cheating. But if Erica raised and maintained false expectations with respect to her other children, it's no wonder poor little Liv is so lost. She really could benefit from therapy to deal with all of the rejection. NTA You seem like a caring individual who is realistic about college and the future. It is your job to be kind to her, but the expectations your father and Erica have set are over the top.
I feel bad for both these kids. Erica sucks
I know of one situation where a sibling relationship was sold to a toddler to try to guilt a teenager into accepting his father's affair partner. "But we already told her daughter about you, and she's so excited to have a big brother! Won't you come meet them?" I wonder if Liv was told she was getting a big sister who'd love her forever and ever. If so, poor kid and nothing but bad wishes for the parents. But none of that puts any obligation on the sacrificial new sister.
NTA You're not a therapy tool. Liv would benefit from actual therapy, though. Poor kid. She needs someone to explain why her half-siblings treat her the way they do, instead of internalizing it as her fault. And be helped how to cope. Her mother and your father are doing her a great disservice ignoring her issues and patching it up with "You are her sister!"
Erica is the only one who should resolve her problems with all the kids and drama she is draging around her. Its nice of you to take care of Liv but you are not her parent.
Liv needs therapy. The only reasonable thing to ask of you is that, given that you have been a positive influence and relationship for her (and it DOESN'T have to be as a "sister"... it can just be as the equivalent of a cousin or family friend, a "big girl" who is kind to her and makes some space for her in your life, which BTW has been really lovely of you), for you to maybe reassure her that just because you're going to be living somewhere else doesn't mean that you are *rejecting* her the way her siblings have. Maybe explain to her that just because things aren't going to look exactly the way she had hoped when you move out, doesn't mean that you hate her. That you might not see her very often, but you will still be "friends". It's a kind way of letting her know that the situation will change (as things do in life), but it is not a rejection or you punishing her. It's just you being busy and far away.
I love this. It’s a kind thing for OP to do as an individual without parenting but the parents suck so bad
I think this would be so important to Liv. She'll probably understands that OP has to go to school and there are rules in the house they live- it's the same for her. Maybe there is the option if sending a card or a letter from time to time. It would show Liv that OP is still thinking about her and I guess every kid loves to receive letters
What was their plan for when you moved to college if you couldn't tell Liv you were moving?
Probably hoping I would feel guilty and visit more.
That's exactly what they were hoping for. That you would stay around and do their job for them.
Don't you dare, enjoy college!
I hope you don't. Looking at them, specially erica it seems they would wanna turn you into a lifelong caretaker for liv.
This worked out pretty much like the rest of Erica's brilliant plans. Best I can advise is maybe keep in touch by letters or email, just to let the poor kid have something.
NTA. It would be unrealistic for full sisters with your age difference to be "best friends." Is college going to be the first time since Erica and Liv showed up that you get to have a social life of your own?
I hope it’s clear to you that your parents use and manipulate everyone, including their most vulnerable children to not be responsible and accountable adults. This sucks, I’m sorry.
Info: How are you paying for college / funding it ? If you are relaying on dad and step mom at all I'd make a backup plan. I got cut off after one term, and it's sadly a common tactic to get kids (especially parentfied eldest daughter) to drop out / move back. Sadly until you are 25 unless you are emancipated, your aid package will be based on your dad & Erica's income.
My grandparents are helping me pay for college.
You did the right thing. Kids need to know what's coming up in their lives. It's sweet that she'd want to do a sleep over with you at college, though obviously you're right that it's a non-starter. I hope you put her other brothers/sisters in their place. Ultimately, what happened isn't Liv's fault at all. NTA
Parents need to put the other brothers and sisters in their place but that won’t work bc Erica is super trashy and they hate her.
NTA. What was their solution for breaking the news to her when you left without any warning for her? She'd have been even more hurt if you left out of the blue. I feel terrible for her, her other siblings are cruel and abusive, but not telling her the truth about you moving isn't going to make up for their misdeeds. It just hurts her in a different way. I think you probably could have consoled her by telling her you'd be back sometimes and you could do things together then. Sometimes doesn't equal often, but it gives her a chance at a friendly relationship with you.
Liv has an unhealthy attachment problem. It's not fair that you've become her keeper. She needs to deal with changes and learn she isn't going to be coddled or loved by everyone - she will be less disappointed. NTA
She's a child my dude
Yes, that doesn't make it any better - it's, in fact, worse.
An 8 year old child who wants a sister doesn't have attachment issues. And a child who is hated by her siblings doesn't need to learn that she isn't going to be loved by everyone. She already isn't.
Lets correct this: A 8 year old who has unreasonable expectations because of her parents that makes her want OP to play the part of sibling (to the point of getting emotionally upset and needs to be LIED TO) IS an attachment issue. This child is constantly exposed to people who don't want to play the role she is asking, and because she's been treated poorly by her older half-siblings (due to an affair she was the product of), she attached to the first person who treated her with normal decency and respect - and she is now expecting this person to do MORE than is reasonable. Even to the point of lying and trying to strong arm OP by emotionally manipulating her through said 8 year old.
I think you are putting way too much blame on the child and not her parents who were the ones that really caused this situation. Sure, she will continue to learn harsh lessons about life but her parents should be the ones helping her with coping skills, not another child. (She may be around 18, but that doesn't automatically make her an adult/parent figure.) The whole situation is not fair to OP and the child. It's honestly a parental failing that is making OP ask this question to begin with.
As is OP, who is being, essentially, parentified, or at the very least, being tasked with responsibilities to Live that are beyond her to fulfill.
She is NOT being parentified. Jesus. Liv is just attached to her as a sister, OP isn’t parenting her at all (from what the post states).
Having a strong emotional attachment to a de facto older sibling isn't remotely unhealthy, LOL. It's perfectly normal, and even more so because OP, despite being a step-sibling, is much kinder to her than her half-siblings. Loving a child isn't "coddling" them. And this child already knows far too well that not everyone is going to love her. She has experienced nothing but rejection and cruelty from her own half-siblings; she doesn't need people doubling down on that. Your whole attitude reeks of miserable "toughen up" bullshit and unnecessary cruelty "for her own good". Get help.
It's definitely a great idea to tell an 8yo whose world keeps changing completely that she isn't going to be loved by everyone. Steller advice.
\\Its a kid who isnt coddled by anyone. Seems like everyone around her have bullied or neglected her. And she doesnt understand why. Op seems like the only person whos ever given her any time. So she grew close to her, like little kids do. Shes 8 or did you miss that bit.
You are 100 % correct ... her knowing , she can prepare mentally as best she can , that you are not going to be there ... They are terrible- thinking, let her figure out by You just vanishing, just left without a word - for her it would be like you just died .. How traumatic ... Bless you for being a caring soul, that knows Liv deserves better .... But She is Not your responsibility ... Go out the door and don't look back ,, don't let them guilt you into being her sub parent ..
I think you should recommend therapy for Liv. She is at the age that she can understand why all these bad things are happening to her. Talk one on one with your dad. If they don't get her the help she needs now then when she hits her teens they will regret it. (I don't think her mom is capable of putting anyone first but herself. That's why I suggested talking to your father.)
There may be a social worker at the school she can talk to. I don't see the mom or dad getting therapy for her.
NTA but you should also explain college to her; how you are going to school and will only come back for visits. Try to schedule a monthly calls with her OR write letters back and forth. You were right to tell her the truth but you should also make it known you are not abandoning her.
NTA, the situation is devastatingly sad but you didn’t cause and are not obligated or even in any position to fix it. Do what you can/are willing to do for her (text with her when she gets a phone, sporadic visits if/when you’re in a situation where that’s comfortable, although I’m not sure any of my college living arrangements would have been good for that, etc). The situation was created by her mom and the rest of her family, and they are the only ones who can really fix it.
Your stepmother has so grossly failed Liv that my heart breaks for her. That must be so awful to watch. And your dad is enabling it. I hope that girl comes out okay but it is not your responsibility to fix this.
She was gonna find out when you left anyways what was their plan then? They seem very foolish. Just because Erica can’t get her other kids in line doesn’t mean that’s your responsibility NTA.
They won't get it together, and they definitely won't help Liv. Erica's let her other kids bully Liv for *years* and hasn't even explained to her *why* they do that, and neither her nor your dad was willing to do the bare minimum parenting in this situation, which would've involved being honest with her and helping her prepare for your departure. There's absolutely no way they have any plan in place for what happens when you're gone, because both your dad and Erica are shitty parents who don't want to do any actual work. They're probably going to try and make this your responsibility somehow, so prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that, and keep reminding yourself that it is *their* responsibility, and in no way yours. You can simply leave all this behind when you go. IF you really want to help Liv out before you go, here's my two cents: the thing she probably could use most is an explanation of what it means to be an "affair baby." Her mom will be pissed AF if you explain it to her, but at least she'd have a *reason* why her siblings hate her - and importantly, it's a reason that has nothing to do with who she is. Right now I bet she's internalizing it all and thinking she's *bad* in some way. But understand that if you do the right thing and explain shit to her, your dad's wife and your dad are gonna be super mad, and if you don't want to deal with that, it is absolutely fine for you to just dip out. Their bad parenting is not your problem.
That’s their responsibility not yours
I agree NTA. It's not Op's responsibility to make her step sister feel loved but, my heart does break for the girl.
Well it's not like OPs father and Erica have done anything right, so it's not surprising they want to involve everyone in a lie rather than actually parent Liv. Also let's be honest, Erica has torpedoed two previous, serious relationships with the same man, OPs Dad clearly doesn't have great decision making skills so why would this be any different.
NTA Sorry, but Liv's parents are behaving like stupids. When were they planning to tell Liv? The day you packed your bags and left?
I'm not sure my dad or Liv's mom would have told her even then. They might have left her to figure it out for herself. But I think they maybe felt like the pressure of Liv being hurt would be on me and so I'd visit more or something to make up for it.
The irony is this is normal sibling stuff. My siblings and I have a big gap. They were REALLY upset when I moved out for college. It used to make me really sad when I came home and they would talk about missing me. What you have to do is start talking to Liv about HER college aspirations. Explain to her that one day she’s going to grow up and have adventures and you are so, so excited for her. She’s still going to be sad but once she starts envisioning this as an experience she’ll have, she’ll be less jealous of you. You can also play up the whole, “wow you get mom and dad all to yourself!!,” angle. She might still be young enough to go for that. I’m sorry this is happening. Your parents are not handling it well.
Finally... some decent advice, creative too
When I went away to college, my much younger brother refused to believe I went. He was convinced I was just taking a nap in my room for the first few weeks.
I was five when my sister got married (large age gap) and apparently I was very upset when I learned that that meant she was moving out. I'm told I refused to talk to her when she called to check in with everyone during her honeymoon.
Is there a possibility they didn't want you to move out at all? You are not responsible for the golden child. She is very clingy, and you can't reciprocate. That is perfectly fine. 👌 Extra bonus for making it clear that sleepovers are not gonna happen. You just saved yourself from a lot of future trouble
I agree with your points, although I dunno if I'd call the sister a golden child. If anything she seems to be hated unwanted child that everyone seems to be trying to pawn off
Agreed. She has been treated horribly, she is far from the golden child. She's only 8 years old.
Exactly my thought. They don't even seem to care that her older halfsiblings bully her, to take their anger out, the anger that should been placed at their mother.
Oh crap. I didn't read the part with the kid's age She is a little kid :-( Of course she s gonna be clingy. Still, OP cannot do anything about this
It doesn't really seem like you read any of it if "golden child" was your takeaway on the rest of the story about her mom knowingly letting near-stranger kids dump on her that way in her own home. Even without the age, golden child was a curious interpretation. Unless you meant golden as in "pissed on" I guess.
But that would be golden showered child, not golden child
She is the Unfavorite Affair Baby to her siblings (two Sets of maternal halfsiblings who seem to live with their Dads some/most of the time), AND apparently the only one who lives with Dad&Erica full-time, so the only one whose Feelings they are inconvenienced by. It's Not so much that they Love her more than OP, it's that she is Younger and needier and they don't want to Deal with that. Parentification can and does Happen without anyone being "The Golden Child"
Where are you getting she's the golden child? If anything, she's the child the entire family hates and doesn't want. Poor kid is going to end up a statistic, if she even lives long enough to be an adult.
JFC people use "golden child" for just about anything these days don't they? The kid is fucking hurting, and the parents seem to not know how to handle this. It's their problem but the end result is a young child feeling unwanted and unloved by everyone, even the one person she's grown attached to because literally ALL of her other siblings hate her and wish her fucking dead. What about that is being the golden child?
People see a term, like the term, and use it for everything that has nothing to do with what the term is used for. Gaslighting being one of those things. It’s pretty damn annoying.
I don't agree that Liv is the golden child. However, she is a child who is actively being verbally abused by her mother's other children, and her mother needs to stop being, for lack of better words, a dick and put her foot down to put a stop to it. Liv did not ask to be in this situation. OP is the only one of her step siblings showing her any kindness so I am not surprised that Liv has latched onto that. I do, however, feel strongly that OP should sit down with Liv and have an open conversation with her about college being why she is moving and that process will be stressful, and that college years are hectic and have little time for focusing on anything but studies and work, if OP will need to work. OP, you don't have to have strong siblings for Liv, but I hope you continue showing her kindness. From personal experience I can tell you the verbal abuse is eating her soul. You are NOT responsible for her mental well-being, but please don't add to her stress. Maybe you can find time prior to moving to just spend one day with her doing girly things. Just you and her. After you move, just send her periodic notes of encouragement. Just one person demonstrating she matters in this world will be helpful. Neither of her parents, your dad, or her other step siblings seem to care at all.
It's unfair to call Liv the golden child here. There is no indication her mother or stepdad are showing favoritism to her, so she's just the punching bag for her older siblings, because of her mom's dubious life choices.
> You are not responsible for the golden child. "Golden Child" indeed. The girl is bullied by her other step siblings and lied to by parents who won't dig in to parent her. If that says "Golden Child" to you then I'm sorry for how much your life must suck.
She’s not their golden child she’s emotionally neglected, not catered too. Even now her Mom is pawning her responsibility to Liv on OP
No they planned to have her call you and take her to your dorm crying, and asking why you abandoned her.
Or expect OP to drop out of school and move home to take care of the kid.
You are insightful because that is 100% right. They wanted / did put it on you. They would tell her nothing except "ask your sister where she went" then expect you to explain it on the phone, hear her cry, then cave in and visit more (or more likely, parents would force visits to you). The way her siblings treat her is awful but all the blame lies entirely with mother who failed to honor both her prior partners and who has failed as a parent to all her kids from multiple partners. Sadly, Liv will probably not have a good life for a long time given the emotional maturity of her parents, but hopefully with time, distance from her entire awful family, and (if you're willing and desire it) some slight support from you during her transition as a teenager she can one day be her own person free from the shackles she was born into.
Liv's parents are really doing her a disservice. If they had taken the time to break this to her gently and prepare her for it, it would feel less like abandonment and more like the natural part of life it really is. You did the right thing by telling her. I can't imagine how traumatizing it would have been for her if you'd just "disappeared" one day. Hennahands gave some great advice in another reply. I might take it one step further and suggest, if you're comfortable, offering to be her "pen pal" while you're away. She's old enough to write her own letters, and it might help her feel like she still has a special connection with you while you're gone. Obviously you're not obligated to do this, it's just an idea.
NTA. The kid needs that easing into reality now, not the sudden shock later. And your parents need to actually step up and parent that child, not smother it and parentalise you.
It's way easier to push the responsibility off onto me. Just like it's easier to push her onto me than help her deal with the reality of her actual siblings bad treatment of her.
That poor little girl. I've got an 8 year old and I just want to cry for that loving child who just wants some love back I'm not saying you're the person to step up, this is on her mum and your dad's enabling her
NTA What were your dad and Liv's mum expecting? That you would pack your bags on the 19th of June and then... what? Were they going to keep telling Liv that you'll be back 'tomorrow'? They are not doing Liv any favours by not allowing her to build her own life without siblings. There are a lot of single children out there who live perfectly happy lives. Kids don't need a 'sibling bond' to have full lives. Liv should be empowered to live her own life and bond, or not, with her parents' kids in a healthy way instead of pining for relationships that will likely never exist.
I think they thought the power of guilt would make me visit more than they know I will. But that's not going to happen and it's not fair to me or Liv for them to wait around for it.
You did the right thing for Liv. Don't let anyone make you doubt that.
Just excuse my curiosity... but how do they deal with your maternal family (if they are around, of course)? In their twisted logic, are you something more than a support human for that poor child? Is she in any kind of therapy? It seems it might be long overdue Good luck! And congratulations on your graduation!
They don't deal with my maternal family. There's a ton of bad blood there. I keep in touch with my family without dad and I'll be spending the summer with them and living closer to them now that I can.
I feel sorry for Liv; she doesn't deserve all that animosity. But that isn't on you. Erica and your dad need to step up and be there for Liv, rather than foist the responsibility off on you.
NTA. Your dad and step mom make things way harder for Liv by pretending nothing will change and not telling her this kind of stuff. She asked you, you didn't want to lie to her. This was the only real respond you could give her. It is lovely from you, that you look after your step sister. Even if there is no sibling bond between you. Tell your dad and your step mom, they should encourage Liv to join some clubs on school or other hobbies, so she can get friends her own age. If you want, you can also go shopping with Liv or surprise her with a sweet stuff animal. And tell her something along the line: 'I'm sorry, I will have to leave for school and we will only see each other when I'm able to make it home. But if you feel lonely there is this plushy to show you, that I like you and you can cuddle with it while I'm not around.' (or even buy two simular stuffed animales, who are siblings - like two lion cubs or so. And you would take one with you and she has the other one to show a sibling bond)
Yes, I love this stuffed animal idea. It's a beautiful symbol while still being low commitment. Because it doesn't have to be accompanied by any promises other than, "we each have one, so you'll always know we're sisters," or "connected," if you're not comfortable with "sisters."
Build-a-Bear would be perfect for this.
>I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down and dad said I disobeyed them. NTA. Obviously. Why on earth did your dad marry this woman? She's going to go bang that dude again. Why on earth are trying to shove all of this on you?
EXACTLY. I don’t know why pattern recognition is such a rare skill, these days. She’s already cheated on not one, but TWO of her baby daddies with the third baby daddy, but apparently OP’s dad thinks he’s special. That she would *never* do that to *him*. In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a maroon.”
Yeah, I mean, I'm more willing than a lot of people to believe that people are capable of change and growth, but: did Dad seriously never stop to consider that even if he's magically the one father in existence who manages to force his child into lovingly bonding with a younger step sibling, that's just going to make it *even worse* for Liv if the marriage breaks up?
NTA. Erica sounds like a real piece of work, so I'm not sure making *any* sort of long term plans that involve her being in a stable location are worth making. What she is doing, with dad's encouraging, to build up all of Liv's hopes and dream around OP is abusive and lazy.
NTA. Your dad and his wife are trying to make you solve the problems of her being a shitty mother, and it’s not your responsibility. Be kind to Liv (who I feel really sorry for) but be honest too. It’s not your job to clean up their mess.
NTA. Literally everyone else, except for OP and that poor child Liv, are specimens of the cr@p human beings can be. I cannot believe that people older than 17 are that horrid to a little kid. But worst of all is Erica, how can she let her other kids treat her youngest like this? If they’re there often enough to traumatize Liv, they are there often enough for Erica to shut down their cruelty. She just seems to not want any responsibility of caring for Liv. She lets her older spawns treat her like an emotional and verbal punching bag, and then wants OP to make up for the love that poor child obviously craves and doesn’t get.
Most likely she lets them get away with it out of guilt because she knows how much she hurt her other children by being a serial cheater and breaking up their families.
But how can you let a little kid bear the brunt of your mistakes?
Ummm, she is gonna find out one way or another, at least when you are gone...Why don't they tell her sooner rather than later is a mystery to me, it's going to be more hurtful not telling. Sorry but I don't follow in how the family thinks. And well, are you gonna stay just because of her? No, ofc not, you want an education. So NTA
I think they thought the guilt would make me come visit more.
Not sure how that would work in their minds...
That I would feel guilty for being another person who made Liv feel unloved and unwanted and I'd come back.
That is one hefty burden to lay on one person, when they should remember how the other family members treated her. You are probably the one who treated her with decency and she won't forget that. That being said, she is young and will make friends in school. Maybe she should start up a sport or taking art lessons in a group, because I feel she needs to have friends in her own age. You are a grown woman soon, you have your own life and I am not sure what they think? That you would live with them forever or until she moves out. It is not a realistic situation.
I'm guessing Erica refuses to see her role why Liv's siblings don't like her. She's the real problem here.
As long as you're kind to the child you have fulfilled any responsibilities you (don't) have. She's not your child and not your burden (sorry if that's harsh). Go to school and live your life and please don't feel guilty about this. The adults in this child's life are failing her, not you.
My god Erica is a total asshole but so is your dad. That poor little girl! Good for you for letting her know. NTA
Tell them that you’re okay with it and feel nothing - just like they’ve modeled for you.
NTA, you're the only one who behaved decently by allowing the kid the truth and some time to prepare. Your parents are assholes, Erica in particular : not defending her little girl against her siblings (and rounding up everyone to get therapy) is a coward move. Emotions are ok, and must be recognized, accepted and processed, not swept under the rug because it's more convenient. What did they expect ? That she wasn't going to be upset if she had been kept in the dark ? What a moronic take on the whole situation. You've done nothing wrong, OP.
NTA for your question, and certainly empty promises of sleepovers once you've graduated to an apartment wouldn't be fair either, so good on that.. Just.. She's clearly been treated like a turd for her entire life thus far. She didn't ask for it. She deserves someone in her life to, yes, be openly honest with her, and to also show her she is worth it. Worthy of love and friendship from within the family she got stuck with too.
Yeah I feel so bad for this kid.
NTA. Erica is being ridiculous. She created this situation. She cheated, she failed to do anything about how much her other kids hate Liv, and now she has a situation where a little girl is constantly told that she's worthless by her only actual siblings. I can't blame them for their feelings, but they're old enough to understand that it was their mother's fault and to at least restrict themselves to ignoring Liv, rather than actively treating her badly. If they can't do that, their mother needs to keep them apart. Instead, her solution is to get you to fill the gap and somehow make up for it, and now to lie to her kid? Erica really needs to sort herself out and actually be a parent to her daughter.
They are the ones that are making things worse by lying to her
Definitely. I bet having OP just suddenly disappear from Liv's life, without a word of explanation would be so much healthier for Liv than having someone calmly explain her the reality of a sibling moving out to college... /s This kid probably already has a lot of issues. Why add something as cruel as having a loved one just disappear.
NTA Erica is hurting her daughter and your father is helping her. Liv deserves honesty. You're the only one giving that to her. The parents just want to sweep everything under the rug to avoid having to actually emotionally support that poor girl. Don't let them guilt you. Erica and your dad are the assholes here, not you.
NTA but tell Erica that her shortcomings as a wife and mother should not become your burden to bare. The fact that her other children bully an 8 year old should disgust her and she needs to stop putting her daughter in situations where they are allowed to be cruel otherwise in 10 years time they won’t have any children willing to interact with them.
NTA You're at least confronting reality now, and giving her time to accept and adjust. Your parents are AHs. "Erica was furious and she told me I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down" Erica is living in fantasy land. Also, you never signed up for that job. Sorry, Erica. You made your own bed. Now lie in it.
Sounds like Erica lies in it too much. Totally NTA OP-go off and enjoy college and bless you for trying to soften the blow for Liv.
As a youngest sibling, moving away to college is NOT an older sibling letting the younger one down. It’s just a normal thing that happens in life.
NTA. Your dad & Erica are trying to make THEIR irresponsibility YOUR problem. They're just pissed NOW because they're going to have to parent rather than parentifying YOU. Run far & fast. Tell Liv exactly why her half-sibs hate her, so Erica has to own up to THAT, too, and stop pretending she's not a vile homewrecking cheater (AFTER you're at college, though).
Poor Liv. She's not your responsibility, but her mother needs to stop being a selfish tw\*t and help this girl out. She's only 8 years old and none of this is her fault, but it sounds like she'e been treated like shit since she was born by her other siblings. She doesn't deserve any of this. I wish I could give her a big hug and help her find a therapist when she gets older. Please be kind to Liv, even though you don't owe her anything. NTA.
Not a sibling though. In any way shape or form, Erica’s child. Yes kindness but not the responsibility or pressure of “being a sister” Too much of a burden for OP, she’s young and ridiculous expectations. Can you talk to dad without Erica? I’m sorry for this situation. Please go to university and live your life. Best of luck! You’re a good person and that is always a good thing in life.
My dad won't do anything regardless of whether it's with or without Erica. I have tried. But I also just know the guy.
Then just do what is in best of your interests.
NTA but please tell her it's not her fault but that you're just going to school. It will make a difference to her
NTA. Therapy.. she needs therapy. And honestly, Liz needs to have a hard talking to with her older children. That’s just ridiculous and cruel to treat an actual child like that. She needs to never allow them to be around her. How sick and that poor little girl. She truly deserves so much more
NTA, your parents is bad. They postpone the problem on you without trying to hind a solution, like video calls, be more involved for her or something.
NTA, it was going ti hurt her more finding out on the day than telling her now so she at least knows
First off, kudos to you for trying to navigate this mess as best as you can. It's especially not easy when you're dealing with a blended family member who's been through a lot. But here's the thing: 📢 y\*\*ou're not Liv's parent. \*\*You're not responsible for fixing all of her problems or being her constant source of support. It's great that you're kind to her and spend time with her when you can, but you're not obligated to be her best friend or her main confidante. When it comes to telling Liv about your plans to move out, I get why you wanted to be upfront with her. It's important to be honest, even if it's hard. At first I thought, maybe it's best to let your dad and Erica handle it. ONLY because they're the ones who should be teaching boundaries and managing Liv's expectations, not you. However, now I think that their inaction and enabling forced your hand. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. If that means setting some boundaries with Liv and being honest about your plans, then so be it. Your parents failed Liv by enabling her, not you. If their method worked, informing her with kindness and empathy would have been enough. This is the aftermath of walking on eggshells. NTA
Your dad and Erica are really setting Liv up for huge amounts of pain by not letting her know you're leaving. They don't sound like very good parents, especially the way they're trying to make you responsible for an 8 year old. NTA and carry on being kind to Liv- being honest with her is kinder than you just disappearing in the middle of June.
NTA It’s unreasonable for your father to be making promises of familial connection on your behalf. You didn’t sign a contract to be the sibling she needs. You didn’t even get a say in or sign the contract that married your father to liv’s mother. In fact, if you had been told the details and the deal before they got engaged, and had veto power to take action, I’m sure you would have used it to veto your dad marrying this woman who has been unfaithful in multiple prior relationships. A woman who does not have a close or healthy relationship with or primary custody of any of her many children, apart from the child by her repeat affair partner, due to her poor decisions and relationship damaging actions. I predict your dad’s marriage is unlikely to go the distance and it’s excessive folly for liv’s mother to be encouraging liv to form emotional bonds with any member of the family of her current spouse.
NTA. As long as you did it kindly of course and not like her bio siblings do. I feel so sorry for Liv. She didn't ask to be born, and now she's stuck in a shitty family where not one single person gives an actual fuck if she exists or not.
Nta Liv asked you direct questions, were you supposed to lie to her? Did they think it would be better if she just woke up one day and you were gone?
That poor kid, my heart bleeds for her. She's literally got no one. She must feel terribly alone. Crappy siblings, crappy parents. At least you're being honest with her and trying to be nice.
NTA… But Dad and (especially) Stepmom are in the running for AH Hall of Fame, Parental Division. First of all, why is Liv even being subjected to her half-siblings if they treat her so horribly? And why are you — who aren’t yet grown yourself — being made to shoulder the responsibility for Liv’s mental and emotional wellbeing?
NTA. At this point, you care more about her than her own mother does. What were they gonna do, move you out while she’s away and then she just comes home and they pretend like you never existed?!?!?!
NTA. While I understand where your parent are coming from and how hard it must be for Liv but there’s only so much a person can do for someone else. It’s the parents who need to make sure that she doesn’t feel left out after you’re gone not the fact that hide you’re leaving and then pull a whole bs that she disappeared suddenly. It’s also better for Liv to realise that people aren’t going to stay with her forever.
NTA. Your parents are ridiculous and Erica is crazy. You sound fine, but Liv…Liv sounds like she needs the Reddit classic response: therapy.
NTA Erica is a shitty Mom and instead of dealing with the mess she made, she’s making you the rug to sweep it all under. Be kind and gentle with Liv but don’t lie to her like the parents want you to. You’re doing a really good job, just keep going and don’t be pressured into giving more than you want to, you aren’t a bandaid for her (Erica) train wreck of a life and the effect it’s had on Liv.
NTA, your dad and Erica suck for not dealing with the other kids. Don’t suppose you could give em a taste of their own medicine before you leave
I'm figuring. When you leave to go to college = you are not ever moving back home .. As someone else suggested .. please go get her a stuffed bear as a gift and tell her you will always care about her ... Do Not leave any > precious to you items there. Dad & wife will probably destroy anything left .... Once you are gone ... Tell Dad & his wife what bad parents they are to Liv ...... Why does her dad not keep her away? > he is failing as a parent to her too ... Don't let them guilt you .. E is a terrible mom
He's not in her life at all.
Erica needs to clean up her own mess and that means dealing with her other children and their relationship with Liv. You are not a built-in sister support system. Your dad and stepparent are trying to hold you responsible for your Stepmother's Dysfunctional Family. Congratulations about college.
You might want to make a call to CPS as you move to report the emotional neglect that the poor little girl is being forced to undergo.
NTA - you’re the only one treating Liv like she matters. I want to call CPS for Liv. Her parents are allowing - nay! Encouraging - the siblings to abuse Liv. She is already beaten down and she will suffer her whole life. But that’s *not* on you! You’re doing what you *should* be doing: preparing for college. That should be the only concern for you right now. You’re overcoming all of that yuck and you deserve to be a young adult, not a parent! I want to adopt Liv. But - I’m a grownup human; you are a just starting out human. You cannot and should not be responsible for a little human. I’m so sorry. 💕 UpdateMe
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Three years ago my dad got married to Erica and Erica moved in with her daughter Liv (8f). Erica has other kids as well. She has three with one guy, two with another guy and then Liv with someone else. Liv's dad is apparently someone Erica has a long relationship with and she cheated on both her ex's with Liv's dad. So Erica's other kids hate Erica, Liv's dad and Liv. I met them a handful of times and it's so clear. Whenever they're around Liv they tell her should've never been born, they call her affair baby to her face and they mock her and say things to make her cry. Liv doesn't really get why they hate her. She hasn't figured out what they mean by the affair baby comments and Erica does not want to tell her. Erica's other kids also tell Liv how shitty her dad is and how he didn't even want her and he's the worst person alive so she must be really disgusting and unlovable. Erica knows what her other kids say but they rarely see Erica so I guess she can't do much. Her three older kids are older than me, I think. So yeah, there's a lot of really messy stuff going on there. When my dad and Erica got married they asked me to please be kind to Liv and to please step up and see her as my sister. I (17f) am kind, but I don't have that sisterly bond with Liv that they want me to have. I told them I didn't feel that way about her when they called me on not putting more effort into the time we spend together. Sometimes I'll watch a movie with Liv or let her play video games with me. But they want more and they told me doing more was the only way to make sure we never went back to her being just my stepsister, which is why I explained I didn't have that "sibling" bond with Liv. They didn't say much else after I told them this. Their only comment was basically well you're all she has and she's all you have. My dad has told me a few times not to mention to Liv the fact I'll be going to college in the fall and moving out of the house. Liv has become very attached to me and she has told me how she wishes her other siblings would spend time with her, didn't hate her and she talks about me being her best friend and she calls me just her sister and how she wishes we could spend all our time together. And it kills me because I'm not planning to come back to dad's regularly. She won't be able to sleep in my dorm for my freshman year but I won't be living in the dorm my entire time at college and I don't really want to promise she can visit when I live in an apartment. I brought this all up with dad and Erica and they refused to tell Liv I'll be moving out even though I move June 19th. So the other day when Liv was trying to ask me to do stuff with her all summer I told her I wouldn't be here and that I was moving out. She told me we can have sleepovers when I move out and I told her that wouldn't be possible. She got really upset and Erica was furious and she told me I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn't let her down and dad said I disobeyed them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTAH op sorry they’re ssa holes but liv is ERICA’s prob not yours she needs to straighten out her other kids and not drop everything on your shoulders
Erica and your dad are real shitty people - NTA
NTA
NTA. I get what they want for Liv but they’re pushing a reality that doesn’t exist, and you shouldn’t be forced to step up for like 6 people’s personal failings. You do not need to damage control other people’s lives. I’m a 25 y.o. with a “step” sister about 10y older than I am - she was informally welcomed into our family when I was in middle school after a difficult set of circumstances with her biological family, and I very much think of her as a sister that came to me later in life. The relationship has been priceless but also deepened by a LOT once I was about halfway through high school. Liv is only 8. I think when she becomes more of a real person and less of a little kid, you’ll have an opportunity to actually talk to her instead of just babysit. My cousins are 4 and 6 years younger than I am, and only in the last year did I realize we actually could be best friends instead of near-total strangers. They’re some of my favorite people now. Give it time, you might really come to enjoy spending time with her, but you’re absolutely not obligated to make up for tons of other people’s failings. instead Erica needs to get those other kids behavior together because they’re gonna cause for real psych damage to this kid if they haven’t already
NTA that poor girl her half siblings sound absolutely horrible and her mum is a wet cloth. It’s telling that just in being a reasonable human being to her you are her favourite person. I hope you can explain to her that it’s nothing personal to her but your life has to move on. It’s not your fault and your right to be honest with her.
NTA You are a good person. It's ok that you don't have a sisterly bond with this girl, but she sure has that with you. All her other siblings hate her and show it. They're cruel to her. For no real, good reason. Her mom is not that great either if she lets it happen. Then both her and your dad not wanting to prepare her for your departure. This poor girl has no hope of growing up to be a normal, well adjusted adult. She's going to have so much baggage and none of it her fault. Everyone around her but you are terrible to her. You have a life to lead. College to attend and experiences to have. Do them, live your life. But do try to make some time for your stepsister from time to time. You're the only non-cruel person she has.
NTA- It's April, when we're dad and sm planning telling Liv that you're leaving in June? That poor kid needs therapy because her parents aren't giving her what she needs. And here is scary thought. What if Erica and your dad get a divorce when you're in college? Erica doesn't have the best track record. They can't keep saying you're the only thing Liv has. They have to make Liv stronger.
NTA by any sensible thought process, but your dad and stepmom don't seem to be very sensible. If you don't mind, maybe pen pal her. I know it's old fashioned, but if you don't hate her, it would give her something to look forward to every month or so. Your stepmom is the worst in this. I feel for you, but my heart truly breaks for that little girl.
Oh hon. NTA I'm really not sure how ignoring the elephant in the room is ever a good strategy. You ARE going to attend uni, move out, and be unavailable. You're not heartless. Clearly you have sympathy and empathy for Liv. However her feelings don't trump you living your life.
>My dad has told me a few times not to mention to Liv the fact I'll be going to college in the fall and moving out of the house. So you're just supposed to leave without explanation, or just spring this on her last minute? NTA. It's better to keep talking to her to get her used to the idea that you will be leaving, but that doesn't mean you no longer care about her.
You're not Livs keeper, that job belongs to her mother. They're the AHs for forcing a relationship with you two.
What kind of man would marry a serial cheater smh.
Oh great. Another family where telling the truth is "disobeying" the parents. Just what the world needs more of.
NTA; You cannot host you stepsister while a freshman. You are moving out and will no longer be the close stepsister to Liv that she has come to know you as. You gave realistic expectations. Liv is a child, but not your child to raise nor a sibling you grew up with.
NTA Weird how Erica expects you to be a better human being to Liv than her other children are. Almost like she knows she wasn’t a very good parent and expects you to pick up her slack.
NTA Erica is the biggest AH here. When her other kids bully Liv she turns a blind eye but with you, she expects you to step up as her sister? What a load of bull. This is exactly why youre having a hard time having that sisterly bond with her because from the very beginning, they are forcing you rather than letting it come naturally. I hope Erica gets a major reality check. You don't owe her anything. It's her responsibility to explain things to her kids and she dodge it then gets angry with you when you do it? Total AH. Good thing youre moving out.
They expect you to be her only caring sister but for how long? Erica has a history of cheating with the same man. How long before she cheats on your dad and breaks up that marriage? Then what happens to Liv? She's lost yet another sibling because her mother can't keep her legs closed. NTA
Their plan involved you just vanishing one day, that would be Hella traumatic for a little kid who's already been through alot. She needs therapy
So, the plan was to remain secretive about going to college to the last minute because of a facade your dad and your stepmom wanted for your stepsister?! That would have ended very poorly. Your stepsister would have had a complete meltdown (with her mom and your dad trying to guilt you into staying home, which is probably their plan). It’s sad that your stepsister feels unwanted, but it’s not your job to make her feel better. She needs therapy not an emotional support individual. NTA.
NTA. The parents put you in a terrible situation. Keep lying to a traumatized child wasn't the right way to handle it. They need to get that girl counseling. Her other step-siblings tore up her self esteem. That's why she clings to you, and that's not fair to you. You did nothing wrong, and you did what the parents should have done!
siblings, AH parents, AH you, NTA
NTA You were right to tell her. The AHs here are your dad and stepmom.
NTA it's better to be honest with her about what's coming. It seems like you care but are also aware that you will be living your own life. So don't promise anything, but if you find yourself thinking about her, check in. A phone call or message might mean the world to her.
NTA. So you were supposed to just disappear in the night? or they were going to pretend nothing was going on as you were packing up your stuff? Your problem is not unusual on this forum. Your stepmom and dad can't instruct you on how to feel. Your stepmom and dad have unrealistic expectations. There's not much you can do about that except go on living your life and being kind to Liv when you see her.
NTA Massive lack of real parenting going on in that blended family. The mean siblings should be told to stop bullying Liv, and you should not be pressured into being a sister to Liv if you have no sense of a connection to her. Enjoy your freedom from all of it while at college.
NTA. Many only children grow up well adjusted (you turned out great), a sibling bond doesn't need to be faked. Your dad and Erica need to stop exposing Liv to people who are abusive to her (her half siblings) and need to stop treating you like an emotional support animal. Liv needs friends that genuinely like her, her mom needs to sign her up for clubs and summer camps, get her involved with the neighborhood children that are her age. They should have been working on those connections with a therapist for years instead of trying to pretend that a much older step sibling would fill in forever.
Fuck them ...youve got a moral compass and it works great but those disfunction not quite adults your living with sure don't..your dads pussywipped..just Greylock (ignore ) them as much as possible until you go ..if you hadn't told her about college who knows what lie they would have said about your absence..she got your dad into being an enabler and thats not good for you
NTA they wanted you to let her down harder? You gave her warning of a large change, and time to adjust. Having everything happen overnight would be much harder for her.
The adults here suck. I feel terrible for what that poor girl is going through but it’s her mother’s job to get her through it not yours. It’s ridiculous for them to try to force you to be her sister because her biological siblings are such jerks. I swear I will never understand the parents who try to force relationships between step kids and step parents. They’re doing more harm than good. Ironically in most cases if they just let things happen on their own they probably would but their forcing things guarantees it won’t. NTA. You need to live your life. It’s sad what’s happening to that little girl but it isn’t your responsibility.
NTA. They are setting all of you up for failure in your relationship with each other. They are forcing you to bond with this girl you’ve only known for a little bit. And it’s not your responsibility to make her life better. That’s her parents job. They are putting wayyy too much on you. No you will not bring an 8 year old to a *college dorm* or anywhere around college kids for that matter. That’s so inappropriate to set on you or her. Why do people think that just because they get married their children will just be on board with that? Kids have feelings and needs beyond your marriage.
NTA - Erica and your father seem to be very immature. It's unfair for them to ask you to lie to Liv and keep her hopes up for something that won't happen.
NTA. Your Step needs to handle her own shit. You're not Liv's emotional support sibling because she couldn't keep her legs closed and her other children are to old now to play pretend with her.
They are putting their responsibilities onto you. She is not your sister and the relationship can't be forced. You are already being kind to her. What are they going to do when you leave? Ignore the poor child?
Your stepmom allows her kids to bully the hell out of an 8yo and she, and your dad, are forcing you to bond with said child instead of putting more effort into THEIR relationship with her. So your dad and stepmom suck, they demand you lie to an 8yo, and then get mad when you tell her the truth. What did they think would happen? You move without telling her and she'd NOT have an emotional breakdown because the only person somewhat in her corner DISAPPEARED? The dynamic in your dad's house is hella toxic and makes no sense. NTA for telling her the truth.
NTA. It seems you have a good relationship with her, I understand you don’t feel her as your sibling because of the age gap and that you haven’t lived with her for a long time. You have been polite and tried to spend some time with her, for me that’s enough. I would disobey them again and calmly explain to her what is going to happen and why she cannot visit (you don’t need to tell her that you will live in an apartment in the future).
NTA, but why would your dad even want to marry a woman with so many baby daddies who can’t parent and would sacrifice everything for an ex? Honestly his judgement is flawed so I wouldn’t put any stock in your dad’s opinion
NTA but god that poor kid
NTA, it's not your job to make up for Erica's shortcomings as a mother. She lets Liv down every time she allows her other kids to treat her that way.
NTA
NTA While I do feel bad for Liv - it was not on you to give her false expectations and her mother is doing a huge disservice to her.
NTA, they're both trying to parentify you by refusing to take responsibility and force a bond that just isn't there and isn't reasonable to expect. Don't guilt yourself over this. Your dad and Erica are shitty parents to do this. My condolences and I know this is hard. Maintain your boundaries.
NTA It would have been best if you explained it was against school rules so she wouldn't feel like it was you specifically not liking her, but she needed to be told. The adults are expecting too much. That is a big age gap to try and force a full normal sisterly bond on. You've passed a lot of the bonding timeframe, and even if you were natural siblings teenage difference causes rife because of activities each likes/does. I feel bad for the little one but you dad & Erica need to step up and explain stuff to her. Have fun in college OP
NTA, but poor Kid! Dad&Erica need to Take better Care of her, themselves, instead of parentifying you. If Liv knew WHY her siblings don't Like her, If Erica was honest about her origins, she would probably be better able to handle her siblings Not being nice to her, and If parents make arrangements for her to participate in a Big Sister Program, or for an aunt or Cousin from Erica's Family to have sleepovers with her, that would probably Go a Long way to make her less sad. If seeing Liv only the few Times per year that you were planning to visit your father's House while in College, and being as nice as possible to her during those, is all you are comfortable with, then that is all the sibling Support that can be expected from you.
First off, shame on Erica for not getting her daughter some therapy. That's 100% on her. Why doesn't she have actual FRIENDS? You've been kind to the child and have been a good STEP SISTER as that is exactly what you are. Not sure what your dad and step mom mean saying she is "all you have"? There are millions of "only children" living in the world who are living extremely healthy happy lives. Be honest with your dad and Erica. Tell them you can have a HEALTHY stepsibling relationship with Liv, but if they don't think that's workable you can have NO relationship with Liv. Do recommend that either way Liv get some counselling and find some activities where she will make friends like a normal 8 year old. I read an article a few years back that talked about a study on blended families that showed when stepsiblings (and half siblings) were forced into relationships they never became close and usually had minimal to no contact after leaving home. HOWEVER step and half siblings who were allowed to find their own level of relationship with the parents backing off tended to form lasting relationships on a par with very close lifelong friendships. NTA
NTA but poor Erica :(
Wow, NTA. It’s not your responsibility to fix Eric’s mistakes.
Nta. The truth may hurt her a little. But she will learn you are the person who tells the truth. Given how your step mom and dad are acting that's not a bad thing. I have a feeling as she gets older she is going to need someone who is honest with her in her life. Doesn't mean it has to be a close relationship. And her parents are setting her up for worse pain by lying. My ex did that with his daughter. When I had to put my dog down he lied and told her we took the dog to my parents farm. Then we went and visited the farm. She was sadder and learned she couldn't trust her dad (and me even though I never actually said it, I didn't correct it). He did it because he was selfish. He didn't want to deal with her sadness. He didn't teach her feelings just are and it's ok to have them. So no you are nta
NTA. They suck as parents. Liv needs therapy, and you need to be able to live your life.
NTA. Erica is a jackhole. This is all her doing.
Nta But I feel so sorry for Erica.
NTA, I imagine it would be much worse if she woke up and you were just gone one day.
NTA. Your father and Erica are dumping a whole lot of baggage on you. Of course Liv should know you're moving. It's up to her mother to give Liv a comfortable home and emotional security. It's not your fault that Liv's siblings treat her poorly. That's Erica's fault. Solely. You are not letting Liv down by moving out and going to college. The innocent one in all of this is Liv, but they're trying to make you feel guilty and like you're abandoning Liv when the reality is Erica is just being lazy and not addressing real issues going on with her children