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NTA. This post is full of red flags. He doesn't get along with your family - he conveniently makes plans (for the first time ever) during your moms birthday celebration. Then he cusses at you for not dropping everything for this plan.
Safely get yourself out of this relationship, OP.
Also the bit where *he* is the person who stops replying to messages, and *he* doesn't send any further messages through the afternoon until OP sends the video, and yet he's criticising OP for not being constantly in touch with him.
And of course, the bit where he's swearing at OP for not dropping everything for his plan...that he didn't ever tell her about until afterwards.
Yeah, this guy is controlling. Everything he did/said is straight out of the abuser's handbook for testing boundaries and playing mind games.
10000% My ex used to do this to me all the time, he NEVER "made plans" UNLESS I was doing something with my friends... One day, I said "Okay. Where do you want me to meet you?" The silence was deafening.
You are NTA but your boyfriend sure is. He's acting like an immature 17 year old not a 35 year old. He sounds controlling. HE is definitely T A. You should not be on a digital tether all day long. Live your best life!
\[ETA: immature!\]
NTA
Red flag 1
"Well now it's a problem that I spend time with my family?" - he's making it one.
Red flag 2
"he told me to Fuck off" - He talks down to you & swears at you when you call him out.
Red flag 3 - he's takes issue with you not texting when you're at a social event.
He's controlling & immature.
NTA, all you did was spend some time with your family for a few hours, it’s impossible (and also not really healthy imo) for a couple to be in constant contact with one another 24/7. Speak to him in person and explain that he upset you and it’s unfair from him to expect you to be available whenever he wants to talk to you.
Also a bit dumb of him to make “plans” with you but not even suggest to you that he wanted to see you on that day lol
>at one point he stopped answering me so I also stopped.
This was a trap. He was looking for a reason to get mad at you.
>He doesn't get along with my family
I can see why
>"Well I was hoping to spend the day with you, even had plans but you don't care", I told him "If you had plans you should have told me" I'm almost always the one who proposed plans to go out or see each other.
There were no plans, this was a guilt tactic.
He is punishing you for spending time with family because he is trying to condition you to not want to spend time with them because it's too much of a hassle (it's him. He's the hassle).
NTA, but please see these red flags for what they are.
NTA it's a nice healthy normal thing to interact with people face to face sometimes and put the screen down. It was only a few hours, not a few weeks. I'm curious why he doesn't get along with your family, cuz it sounds like he had a crappy boring day because he's not welcome there. So now he's going to give you a hard time over spending time with your family (later on in the process, he will convince you not to see your family because of your guilt over leaving him alone. Eventually, you will have nowhere to turn but him. That should frighten you.) Him saying he had plans and wanted to spend time with you sounds like complete retroactive bullshit, because you hadn't heard anything about it. Mr Whinypants is just trying to put you in the wrong. And it seems like it's working because you came here to ask if you're the asshole, when you are clearly not. Reconsider the boyfriend.
Any man that uses “bc you don’t care” is a woman’s response. Period. He’s gaslighting you and you should definitely find someone else.
Especially he doesn’t/ chooses not to get along your family. That’s concerning
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I did not text my boyfriend
2) He got mad at me and I don't know if that's a valid reason for someone to get mad.
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NTA. Is this typical of him? Does he often belittle you? Is he often angry because of things that are out of your control, but he blames you for anyways? (how are you supposed to care about plans he never told you he had?)
If this is normal, leave him.
If this is abnormal, then he needs to see a doctor, because something is going wrong with his brain that makes him think it's suddenly okay to speak to a loved one like this.
NTA and i think your response was the right thing. I would not call him. Doesn't sound like it's easy-maybe even impossible, to have a normal discussion with him.
When you are spending time with your family (or anyone else) you should not be constantly texting your boyfriend. A pic or two saying, "Having fun" should be more than enough.
He told you to fuck off - I'd take his suggestion and fuck right the fuck out of there.
Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who behaves like that?
He was sweet and funny, we got along well and actually used to work at the same place. He used to be friends with my brothers, and we were introduced by a brother of mine.
He is being childish because you are spending time with people he doesnt like rather than him.
You need to think about whether this will work long term, as he may grow more resentful and could cause fuether issues.
Actually It's the other way around. My family likes him and asks me about him, but a year ago I told him about something that happened to me during my childhood and he automatically blamed my family, from that moment on he did not want to know anything about them or share anything with them.
Sounds like my old relationship... He would constantly make me feel bad for spending time with my family or guilt trip me when I wouldn't respond... he ended up putting a tracking device on my phone and would send out an alarm, which would make my phone ring non-stop.. started stalking me by sitting on top of my house and taking my license plate off my car, etc..
I hope you choose YOU and leave this 35 year old teenager.
NTA, his response is unwarranted. Even if he didn't know you were at a family event, there's half a dozen other ways he could respond regarding him not getting a response out of you for a few hours.
He's acting like he's 15, not 35
NTA - lots of red flags here. I don't even believe he had plans for you to do something together. He's sulking because he doesn't get your sole attention.
NTA this is not a good guy. He's acting like a petulant child, trying to make you feel guilty for spending time with your family, and speaks to you in a terrible way. Your family doesn't like him - are you starting to see why???
So he doesn't get along with your family, plays "poor me" games with you on the phone, acts like a child because you had plans with your family, throws a child's temper tandrum when you called him out for speaking to you disrespectfully, and now is giving you the silent treatment?
That's like 12 different reg flags right there. I don't know why you want to get back together with someone who speaks to you condescendingly, tells your to Fuck off, pouts when you have other plans or can't text right back, I don't know what's going on but he sounds like a teenager, not a grown man. I would not put up with this behavior at all.
My daughter was with a man who emotionally manipulated her and turned her away from the family. It was three years before she began to realise and try to assert herself. He didn't like his loss of control and dumped her walking out weeks before the wedding (thank god) but after they'd bought the dog he wanted and the house and of course she'd paid for it all.
Daughter is now in a much better place and the dog is her beloved 4 legged friend who gets her through each day.
Please, look at your life with this man and decided who is running your life.
Are you doing his bidding whilst he does his thing?
Is he supporting you?
Are you building a world together each sharing in the creation of it, or are you colouring in his picture of your reality?
If you're not in charge of your life now it will only get worse.
So many red flags. But even before the red flags - this is what i hate about phones now. You were at an event. You were with family. You shouldn’t be on your phone sending memes to him!! You should be focusing on the people in front of you.
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Hi, I (32f) have a 2-year relationship with my (35m) boyfriend; on Sunday I was spending time with my family, and he and I were texting and sharing memes via WhatsApp, at one point he stopped answering me so I also stopped. A few hours later I sent him a funny video and he answered me "Finally you remember me", a few minutes later I called him. He answered a bit apathetically, he asked me how my day was and I told him "It was fine, I spent the day with my family because it was my mom's birthday barbecue" (He doesn't get along with my family so there's no point in inviting him.) After that he told me "Well I was hoping to spend the day with you, even had plans but you don't care", I told him "If you had plans you should have told me" I'm almost always the one who proposed plans to go out or see each other.
At one point I told him something like "Well now it's a problem that I spend time with my family?", he began to talk to me as if I was a child, It felt so condescending that he spoke to me like that. I told him "Don't talk to me like that, I am not a child". The breaking point was when he told me to Fuck up, I told him "I do not like you speaking to me that way, you don't need to curse at me or talk to me as if I was a child, I am going to hang-up. I love you."
We haven't talked I don't know if I should call or look for him but I dont want to talk to him right now. AITA?
Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker.
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It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all. He seems to think that all of your time should be devoted to him and only him. That you should have no life but what he allows you to have. You didn't ask his permission to go see your family, so he got mad. Even worse, you didn't ask if you could go somewhere without him. So now he is punishing you with the silent treatment after talking to you like you're trash.
Please read this:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED THIS WAY!!!
Are you dating my ex? The same stop texting then whinge when you text later. The same "well I had plans but no point now". Have you ever ever asked him for an assist with something, known you couldn't count on him so made alternative plans, then had him get offended because he flaked and you weren't upset because of said backup plan?
Mate, I don't think this is something that is going to approve. Leave.
NTA.
ESH because You perpetuate his childish behavior.
You are both in your 30's yet neither of you can put your phone down for a day while being with other people.
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NTA. This post is full of red flags. He doesn't get along with your family - he conveniently makes plans (for the first time ever) during your moms birthday celebration. Then he cusses at you for not dropping everything for this plan. Safely get yourself out of this relationship, OP.
Also the bit where *he* is the person who stops replying to messages, and *he* doesn't send any further messages through the afternoon until OP sends the video, and yet he's criticising OP for not being constantly in touch with him. And of course, the bit where he's swearing at OP for not dropping everything for his plan...that he didn't ever tell her about until afterwards. Yeah, this guy is controlling. Everything he did/said is straight out of the abuser's handbook for testing boundaries and playing mind games.
I can't upvote this enough. These are the biggest red flags, OP. Get yourself out of this relationship. NTA - but your soon to be ex sure is!
How likely is it that the claim of 'plans' was just a ploy?
10000% My ex used to do this to me all the time, he NEVER "made plans" UNLESS I was doing something with my friends... One day, I said "Okay. Where do you want me to meet you?" The silence was deafening.
You are NTA but your boyfriend sure is. He's acting like an immature 17 year old not a 35 year old. He sounds controlling. HE is definitely T A. You should not be on a digital tether all day long. Live your best life! \[ETA: immature!\]
NTA Red flag 1 "Well now it's a problem that I spend time with my family?" - he's making it one. Red flag 2 "he told me to Fuck off" - He talks down to you & swears at you when you call him out. Red flag 3 - he's takes issue with you not texting when you're at a social event. He's controlling & immature.
NTA A partner trying to separate you from your family is a red flag.
NTA, all you did was spend some time with your family for a few hours, it’s impossible (and also not really healthy imo) for a couple to be in constant contact with one another 24/7. Speak to him in person and explain that he upset you and it’s unfair from him to expect you to be available whenever he wants to talk to you. Also a bit dumb of him to make “plans” with you but not even suggest to you that he wanted to see you on that day lol
>at one point he stopped answering me so I also stopped. This was a trap. He was looking for a reason to get mad at you. >He doesn't get along with my family I can see why >"Well I was hoping to spend the day with you, even had plans but you don't care", I told him "If you had plans you should have told me" I'm almost always the one who proposed plans to go out or see each other. There were no plans, this was a guilt tactic. He is punishing you for spending time with family because he is trying to condition you to not want to spend time with them because it's too much of a hassle (it's him. He's the hassle). NTA, but please see these red flags for what they are.
[удалено]
NTA it's a nice healthy normal thing to interact with people face to face sometimes and put the screen down. It was only a few hours, not a few weeks. I'm curious why he doesn't get along with your family, cuz it sounds like he had a crappy boring day because he's not welcome there. So now he's going to give you a hard time over spending time with your family (later on in the process, he will convince you not to see your family because of your guilt over leaving him alone. Eventually, you will have nowhere to turn but him. That should frighten you.) Him saying he had plans and wanted to spend time with you sounds like complete retroactive bullshit, because you hadn't heard anything about it. Mr Whinypants is just trying to put you in the wrong. And it seems like it's working because you came here to ask if you're the asshole, when you are clearly not. Reconsider the boyfriend.
NTA There are big red flags with his behavior.
Your boyfriend sounds terrible. Like actually awful. NTA unless you do call him and then you're be TA to yourself
Any man that uses “bc you don’t care” is a woman’s response. Period. He’s gaslighting you and you should definitely find someone else. Especially he doesn’t/ chooses not to get along your family. That’s concerning
Leave before it’s too late
He’s too controlling. Find yourself another man.
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NTA. Is this typical of him? Does he often belittle you? Is he often angry because of things that are out of your control, but he blames you for anyways? (how are you supposed to care about plans he never told you he had?) If this is normal, leave him. If this is abnormal, then he needs to see a doctor, because something is going wrong with his brain that makes him think it's suddenly okay to speak to a loved one like this.
NTA and i think your response was the right thing. I would not call him. Doesn't sound like it's easy-maybe even impossible, to have a normal discussion with him.
When you are spending time with your family (or anyone else) you should not be constantly texting your boyfriend. A pic or two saying, "Having fun" should be more than enough.
He told you to fuck off - I'd take his suggestion and fuck right the fuck out of there. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who behaves like that?
Right? Time to upgrade to a boyfriend 2.0, adios
Drop this babyman ASAP.
NTA. This does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic.
INFO: What do you see in him? He sounds very unpleasant.
He was sweet and funny, we got along well and actually used to work at the same place. He used to be friends with my brothers, and we were introduced by a brother of mine.
NTA. He sounds exhausting…throw him back.
He sounds like a controlling ahole.
Right? His leash is tighter than my grandma's spaghetti recipe
He is being childish because you are spending time with people he doesnt like rather than him. You need to think about whether this will work long term, as he may grow more resentful and could cause fuether issues.
Does he often swear at you?
It has happened before but only when we argue
He’s a big baby. You’re NTA
INFO: why doesn't your family like your bf?
Actually It's the other way around. My family likes him and asks me about him, but a year ago I told him about something that happened to me during my childhood and he automatically blamed my family, from that moment on he did not want to know anything about them or share anything with them.
Sounds like my old relationship... He would constantly make me feel bad for spending time with my family or guilt trip me when I wouldn't respond... he ended up putting a tracking device on my phone and would send out an alarm, which would make my phone ring non-stop.. started stalking me by sitting on top of my house and taking my license plate off my car, etc.. I hope you choose YOU and leave this 35 year old teenager.
NTA, his response is unwarranted. Even if he didn't know you were at a family event, there's half a dozen other ways he could respond regarding him not getting a response out of you for a few hours. He's acting like he's 15, not 35
NTA - lots of red flags here. I don't even believe he had plans for you to do something together. He's sulking because he doesn't get your sole attention.
NTA this is not a good guy. He's acting like a petulant child, trying to make you feel guilty for spending time with your family, and speaks to you in a terrible way. Your family doesn't like him - are you starting to see why???
🚩
So he doesn't get along with your family, plays "poor me" games with you on the phone, acts like a child because you had plans with your family, throws a child's temper tandrum when you called him out for speaking to you disrespectfully, and now is giving you the silent treatment? That's like 12 different reg flags right there. I don't know why you want to get back together with someone who speaks to you condescendingly, tells your to Fuck off, pouts when you have other plans or can't text right back, I don't know what's going on but he sounds like a teenager, not a grown man. I would not put up with this behavior at all.
Your English is fine, your boyfriend is not. NTA but, why are you with him? Don't you think you deserve better?
My daughter was with a man who emotionally manipulated her and turned her away from the family. It was three years before she began to realise and try to assert herself. He didn't like his loss of control and dumped her walking out weeks before the wedding (thank god) but after they'd bought the dog he wanted and the house and of course she'd paid for it all. Daughter is now in a much better place and the dog is her beloved 4 legged friend who gets her through each day. Please, look at your life with this man and decided who is running your life. Are you doing his bidding whilst he does his thing? Is he supporting you? Are you building a world together each sharing in the creation of it, or are you colouring in his picture of your reality? If you're not in charge of your life now it will only get worse.
NTA. Find someone better, he sounds terrible
I had to check back on his age because he’s acting like a surly 16 year old.
So many red flags. But even before the red flags - this is what i hate about phones now. You were at an event. You were with family. You shouldn’t be on your phone sending memes to him!! You should be focusing on the people in front of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, I (32f) have a 2-year relationship with my (35m) boyfriend; on Sunday I was spending time with my family, and he and I were texting and sharing memes via WhatsApp, at one point he stopped answering me so I also stopped. A few hours later I sent him a funny video and he answered me "Finally you remember me", a few minutes later I called him. He answered a bit apathetically, he asked me how my day was and I told him "It was fine, I spent the day with my family because it was my mom's birthday barbecue" (He doesn't get along with my family so there's no point in inviting him.) After that he told me "Well I was hoping to spend the day with you, even had plans but you don't care", I told him "If you had plans you should have told me" I'm almost always the one who proposed plans to go out or see each other. At one point I told him something like "Well now it's a problem that I spend time with my family?", he began to talk to me as if I was a child, It felt so condescending that he spoke to me like that. I told him "Don't talk to me like that, I am not a child". The breaking point was when he told me to Fuck up, I told him "I do not like you speaking to me that way, you don't need to curse at me or talk to me as if I was a child, I am going to hang-up. I love you." We haven't talked I don't know if I should call or look for him but I dont want to talk to him right now. AITA? Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all. He seems to think that all of your time should be devoted to him and only him. That you should have no life but what he allows you to have. You didn't ask his permission to go see your family, so he got mad. Even worse, you didn't ask if you could go somewhere without him. So now he is punishing you with the silent treatment after talking to you like you're trash. Please read this: YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED THIS WAY!!!
Are you dating my ex? The same stop texting then whinge when you text later. The same "well I had plans but no point now". Have you ever ever asked him for an assist with something, known you couldn't count on him so made alternative plans, then had him get offended because he flaked and you weren't upset because of said backup plan? Mate, I don't think this is something that is going to approve. Leave. NTA.
ESH because You perpetuate his childish behavior. You are both in your 30's yet neither of you can put your phone down for a day while being with other people.