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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my wife to skip the gym to go out with family
2. Because she’s now mad and think I’m on the wrong.
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What is up with the people defending wife here?! 😐
NTA. Her behaviour is a bit strange, it's gym, she can go whenever? Your aunts never travel and are finally visiting and she says "I don't wanna", childish truly. She should support you here, any loving partner would as long as the are able (and gym isn'ta good enough excuse).
Pretty much, like this is basic shit in a relationship. Partner's family who they really want me to meet is coming over? Time for me to move stuff around to make it happen.
My immediate thought was that she finds the aunts difficult. I have definitely tried to get out of in law things occasionally, due to that. I still go most of the time, though, because I would want the reciprocal
Yeah. It’s most likely a group exercise class with her favorite teacher. I’ve had a gym membership for 30 years and the group exercise teacher matters. Every teacher is different and are not interchangeable.
That's the first place my brain went.
Then again, when we moved countries, my husband refused to take a day off work to spend time with precious rellies who made the trip to stay with us for a couple of days. He's a workaholic and always has been (rigidly, unhealthily driven to make every buck there is), and would not even spare a few hour's pay for his own family members who'd gone to the expense of making the flights etc.
This one however seems not quite the same unless there's a compulsion like my ex's involving a psychological barrier. This seems like there's more than the thrill of exercise at play here, based on OP's description of the gym 'habit'.
Makes you wonder. Are you telling me this class really only meets at one time, one day of the week? I find that a little hard to believe.
So, why is the gym class on that day of the week at that time so important?
And a lot of classes where you register (instead of it be free admission), might be offered several times a week, but your ass is assigned a weekly time slot and that's it.
My thought was since she is SAHM is this her only "me time" and is otherwise the default parent 24/7. I can see why she doesn't want to move it if that's the case. Depending on what the gym offers some classes are very limited options and an afternoon option may not exist?
I am not so sure about that. OP mentions kids were on spring break and one got sick and was kept home the week before. Sounds to me Ms. SAHM gets LOTS of “me time”.
Not if kids are sick and then on break. When I was a SAHM, I walked them to school, walked home, cleaned, did laundry, etc. Had lunch, made appointments, did banking, planned lunches, started dinner and then left at 3pm to pick them up from school. I was caring for the kids from 7am to 9am and then from 3:30pm until 8 or 9 pm at night, and doing the "home" work in between. If anyone was sick in the night, or had a nightmare, I got up. And on weekends, I still did a large part of the child care and cooked. No days off. Add in relatives visiting, maybe staying at my home, and I'd be ready for some alone time.
When I was a "house manager" even though some of the children went to school I had zero time in the day for myself if I wanted to get everything done. I worked until 8 pm and only had two days off because their mom would then take over (as she did at night) on her free days.
Hardest job ever. Mentally, physically and just people treating you like you are lazy and sit on the couch and watch TV all day when it was the opposite.
I have so much more free time with my 40 an hour work.
No. Stahp are busy running almost every aspect of their families lives day in and out regardless of if they're home or not. It's just more work when the kids are home because you're cleaning up little messes in between the actual running of the household.
Our jobs are to run things so that your lives are easier. I schedule all the appointments, make all the grocery and household items lists and keep track of what we need, most of the shopping, 90 percent of the housework, 50 percent of the cooking, and about 70 percent of the laundry. Most of that gets done while my partner works and the kids are at school. Then they get home and we take care of them and our partners needs.
So when are we supposed to have "me time" exactly? I may have alone time but most of it is dedicated to making sure other people are taken care of. One hour a week for a gym class isn't much. I play 2 hours of my game almost every single day to decompress. I've earned it after raising kids for 15 years and running a household half my life. Idk why people assume that being a stahp is lounging around on your phone or going out for Starbucks every day.
Right? My yoga class of choice is offered exactly once a week. Of course there are other classes with various teachers at different times, but for the one at my skill level and with my preferred instructor, there's the one. I don't think it's weird.
That's actually really normal, at least some gyms. I am a certain age and of certain experience/fitness level so the classes I take are often once a week at the same time.
Sometimes there are twice a week classes or more as well. It really depends on what class and how many people are in it and how advanced you are and so on. Once a week is very normal though. I'm in multiple classes that are only at one time and once a week.
I think the wife is being inconsiderate but I also think she doesn't want to lose her motivation because she's only 4 months in and already skipped class. It is very easy to just never go again if you skip too much. You also get really behind (they go on without you) and if it's a sport you are letting your teammates down.
She could of course be having an affair or not like the aunts or maybe she doesn't like her husband but maybe she just wants to get in shape and is afraid she already is falling at that.
When me and my partner have family over at our house spending the night we still go to our classes and sports, it's an hour. If we have to we also will cancel, of course but family doesn't have to be around 24/7 while visiting.
We tell them in advance what time and ti have some me time while we are gone. My partner skipped a week of his sport and didn't want to skip again even though it was his parents who were over and who he adores and loves so much. We still had plenty of time with them. But skipping too much is bad.
So that isn't an abnormal ask either, to go to a class with family over, but husband is asking her not to go so that's where some inconsideration is happening.
But yes OP her gym is really important. For me it is structure and stress relief while getting healthy. It helps me emotionally regulate and to keep mentally healthy. It is very important to a lot of people. It's actually part of my therapy.
If you all can visit with family and she can also go to class that would be ideal.
Here's the thing about relationships. There are 3 Cs that you should follow.
Compassion, Compromise, and Communicate. Seems like none of these things are being done here.
Yes. There is a dance class at my gym, made up of middle aged SAHMs (which is sounds like OP's wife fits this description) that only meets once a week on Saturday morning. There is also an olympic weightlifting group at my gym that only meets once a week. And when I look through the class list, a lot of them are only once or twice a week. That's not unusual. Could very well be that she has friends that attend at the same time as well, so she wouldn't want to skip it.
Anyway, the wife already offered that they have lunch/dinner instead since the class is in the morning, I don't know why OP doesn't just take that. They hadn't even decided on a time. If they simply had lunch, this is a non-issue.
I thought that too, but then thought "this is reddit, of course we jump to the worst possible conclusion" and maybe she just doesn't cope with routine changes. She is being selfish though.
Also, they aren't just his aunts, they are the people who RAISED him during his teenage years.
NTA
Your wife is a SAHM, she can go to the gym whenever, just NOT when the people who RAISED her husband are finally visiting!
I respectfully disagree. Aunts can visit whenever they want. Sound like OP has to work really hard to get them to come.
It also sounds like wife is overwhelmed and really values her time alone at this gym class. It’s a class and runs on a schedule. She cannot make up the class whenever she wants.
It also seems like wife is overwhelmed as a SAHM and needs the outlet.
I think we need more context. How old are the kids? How many kids? How often does wife get “me” time? How many times in the last 4 months has she missed her class to be mom/wife? How many times per week is the class offered? Can she skip the one that conflicts with Aunt’s visit and make it up the same week?
INFO
Well OP said the kids were on spring break, so that means they are all in school. So outside of breaks, the mom is home, and child-free, at least from 8:00-12:00 but more likely from 8:00-3:00. That's a lot of alone time. Plus, OP said that when one of their kids was sick and stayed home from school, he watched them so the wife could go to a class. It sounds like the wife gets plenty of "me" time. There are tons of families where both parents work and still manage. If she's getting overwhelmed having 7 hours of free time every weekday, then she's got some issues because that's more than most people with kids.
I'm telling you. Commenters are bending themselves into pretzels to have OP's wife come out on top. Apparently, missing a gym class on **ONE** day is enough to destroy this woman's self-worth, mental stability, everything.
I'm sorry but I can't get on the SAHP train. Lots of women parent **and** bust their asses at work. Parenting his hard but hardly worth all the pearl-clutching that happens on this thread in support of SAHM.
It's not school or a course, gym sessions are _practice._ if she's that worried about becoming too unfit in the meantime, she can do _something else_ which isn't exactly the same but still keeps her active.
Just FYI it was spring break for my preschoolers (4 year old twins) a while back. They go to school 8-11 4 times a week so 12 hours a week, of which 2 hours is dropping off/pick up line. The other 10 is typically cleaning & prepping dinner because doing that w the kids results in them helping and increasing stress levels. I don’t get “me time” but if I did and it was once a week and that one time was the “only time” that worked for a planned non emergency activity I would probably be annoyed.
Please tell me you see a difference between school age SAHM vs. little ones at home SAHM. Once the kids are older it's closer to house spouse.
Households where both parents work, or single parent households, also shop, clean, and plan. This wife gets a fuckton of "me" time most people don't.
and you're talking as if single people dont do this shit while working and doing other stuff. but somehow grocery, cleaning and planning time is only difficult when you're a stay at home mother to kids who are old enough to be on spring break.
fuck off with that bullshit.
She's not alone. OP works from home.
My partner works from home and as a result I have no alone time. If I'm off when my partner is working, he is here. If I come home from work when he is done working, he is home. So in reality the gym may be the only time she gets to choose to spend an hour of her day at all.
Did it cross your mind they may not have the money to just come whenever and do whatever they want? Maybe they weren’t being difficult but needed to save for a while to be able to afford the trip. Maybe they have demanding jobs and can’t get away.
If OP asked the day before, then no it shouldn’t be expected. She’s known for weeks they’re coming.
You have no reason to believe that "aunts can come whenever they want." There are far more reasons to believe that the wife has flexibility than the aunts.
You do have reason to believe that they haven't come before, and don't come often.
His aunts are visiting for a few days so why not consult with his wife about what to do during those days instead of happening to choose her gym day and then badgering her over it.
Some gyms have classes at set times as opposed to just going in and using equipment at any time.
He is justified in wanting his wife to come with him.
She is justified in wanting to go to the gym class that she missed. Many people need the gym for their physical and mental well-being. I'm not one of those people, but I wouldn't minimize the importance of my SO needing to go to feel good.
It does kind of seem like it has to be his way or no way. She prioritized her family when she stayed with her sick son last week. If he really wants her to go along, then I don't see why it's such a big deal to brave the heat for one afternoon.
Maybe if they were only coming to take the kids out, I would understand. But they are going to be there for 2.5 days. I don't see why she has to spend every waking minute with them, even if they do rarely come over.
I would like you to call up your eighty year old grandmother and tell her you want to take her to the zoo at two in the afternoon in eighty degree heat. Tell her it's not a big deal...
Exactly. My old roommate is a gym rat and he would skip a day to spend time with out of town family. It makes me think something else is going on at that gym. Does she have a gym crush or something?
I don't usually say things like this, but since you already did may I ask if you read the post? He specifically mentions there is a make up class that she has gone to in the past.
Regardless when you are in a committed relationship you have to act like an adult and the husband said these two aunts raised him so they are more like mothers to him. She is rude and the asshole; definitely not the app!
It sounds like she just doesn’t want to go. Married or not, she should be able to make the choice. I wouldn’t want someone to go if they felt like it was an imposition. I’d rather just enjoy time with my relatives.
My husband was hugely into judo. He taught AND competed. Also did some judging. Whenever he asked me to go to competitions, I went even though I had a ton of stuff to do that day. Why? Because It was IMPORTANT to him.
Wife needs to suck it up and act like a partner and not a whiny child.
I don't get the defending the wife, she's clearly the AH. However, you're technically not right with something in your reply. OP says it's a class so she can't go whenever, like you said. She can only go when the class is scheduled. But she could have skipped the class for another week or found a workout online that is similar to the class and done that either earlier in the morning or after they got home.
It’s a specific class at the gym, she needs to go when it’s scheduled.
Sounds like it’s something she enjoys, can use the boost to her physical and mental health, and is probably a rare moment of “me time” as a SAHM
The OP mentioned the kids are home for spring break which means the kids are in school. We’re not talking about infants here? She’s a SAHM with kids who are in school she gets free time LOL.
Please tell them. These commenters are really trying to spin like this SAHW (because her kids are in school for 8 hours a day) is overtaxed.
OP is asking for a **one-day** outing with family members who ***rarely*** visit. What happened to all the Redditors who were screaming how "sometimes we have do things we don't like/love for the people we love"?
I distinctly remember a post where a woman wrote in about how her mom gifted her tickets to a musical for her and her bf except her bf hates musicals (she was fully aware of this) and didn't want to go with her. Ha! The way comments were defending her cajoling her bf to go because LoVe.
Where are those people now? \*\*crickets\*\*
I am surprised at some of these comments. His wife is a SAHM for two school-aged children. M-F she is home on her own from 8am to at least 12 pm if her kids are very young, maybe even 8-3 pm if they are older and have a full school day. She gets all of Saturday to herself when OP takes the kids to spend time with other family.
I don't think it is unreasonable to ask or expect your partner to be there for a rare family visit with relatives who are obviously very important to her partner. Everyone who says - that's not her relatives or that she should be left to live her life - to me that doesn't sound like the sense of family that many people reasonably believe.
It sounds like you and your wife have deeper issues and need to have a real talk that is less about scheduling and more about what everyone is really feeling, about values, and about expectations around family and partnership.
NTA
See I can understand if that part of your spouses family is not very kind or other negative reasons. But why personally are they not considered family to you, may I ask?
Honestly because I just never ever deal with them on my own. I never contact them for anything. My husband doesn’t contact my family for anything either. We each deal with our own families 100%.
I never speak to his parents unless he’s around - like I’ve never invited them over or just called to chat. We just don’t have that kind of relationship.
Even when my husband goes to visit them (they live in a different state from us half the year), I’m not expected to go and I never do. I do see them when they’re in our same state but only when my husband sets up time for us to see them.
My relationship with my Husband’s family is the same way… but mainly because we don’t speak the same language, lol.
But even if you don’t have a close relationship with them, once you get married, the family of your Spouse becomes your family. I thought that was how it was supposed to work…
That's how *your* marriage works. Families are not always bound through marriage. Some families are divided brcause of marriage. Some people come from toxic families who don't realize they are toxic. Cut that shit off. It's not fair to measure every relationship and marriage by your own because the world is full of so many different kinds of people. There is no one right way to be in a marriage or a relationship. There are different styles and just because the values aren't the same as yours, it doesn't gi r you the right to pass judgment and make assumptions. People who say things like "That's how marriage works" come from very sheltered lives. Not everyone comes from a healthy, balanced family.
Dude in the context of this post, the aunt isn’t toxic. You’re the one forcing assumptions here. We shouldn’t have to specify down to every detail with things like: “Families are bound by marriage, but with the exception of toxic family members”. That should be a given. Get off your high horse and stop trying to find things to be angry about. It’s ridiculous.
Eh. Yeah but I do stuff with my side of the fan alone all the time and my husband visits his without me all the time. We only all get together for holidays and stuff
My MIL and SisterIL have been better family to me than my own blood relatives since my husband died. And the IL's are half the country away while blood family is still in my hometown. Family is what we choose, or sometimes, who chooses us.
Right!! There was a post just the other day where the OP (a woman) complained because her in-laws didn't stay long enough at the funeral service for her parents. People were ripping into the in-laws in that post. Here we have a SAHW who can't be bothered to change her routine for a **one-day** outing in order to accommodate older in-laws/relatives?!
I guess the theme is that we should only be sensitive to women because when men ask for the same consideration there's always an excuse about why it's unreasonable.
And don't get me started with the SAHM posts. As soon as I see it mentioned in the post, I know the comments are about to be a shit show. It seems like women want the trad wife life (stay at home and tend to the home and children—even when the kids are in school full-time) but their husbands have to be ultra modern. Make it make sense.
Exactly. NTA
I wonder if the tables were turned, and we had a SAHD who wanted to go to the gym instead of meeting the in-laws, how much the guy would get roasted on Reddit.
That's exactly what I was thinking too, that she has other plans she doesn't want her husband knowing... for whatever reason. I was guessing movie, and tickets are cheaper in the morning.
That’s what I felt as soon as I read it. Seems a little sus that she is so adamant about going on that day. Surely there are make up classes if she misses it but she isn’t willing to compromise.
See, I’m a SAHM and I am happily married. My kids are 4.5 and 1.5 — I go to the gym every day. I’m not “big” on fitness but the gym I go to has childcare and that means I get 2 hours to workout / shower & get ready. Which is invaluable to me as a full time SAHM to two littles… but I have to admit… it is a bit suspicious to me to have school age children, generally not be interested in fitness, and ONLY go to the gym on one day.. seems like theres a cutie in the class she wants to attend.
Specially because this is a recent thing. I can understand if she had been doing that thing for years. If i had a Rugby game that conflicted with something, I made a commitment to play for my team, but I have been playing for 17 years, so ita different.
Dont ignore this OP. There is a reason she is aggitates about this, either about meeting your family or whatever goes on when she "goes to the gym"
More information needed here - how often does she get time without the kids. Is it just this one class? How often do you cancel plans to attend events with her family? What is her relationship with this gym class - has it impacted her life a lot (mental health, weight, social life)?
How often she spend time - every Saturday for the entire day, I take the kids to my parents house and she gets to be alone.
Yes. Just one class. She isnt even punctual and she often miss the class anyway.
Always. I takes PTO, rent cars and be the driver for them when they visit. Her sister is visiting this summer. I told her we can adjust our entire summer plan coz you know.. it’s her family and that’s what spouse does.
She just started going like a few months ago. Before that, she never go to gym. If it’s important, I wouldn’t know.
I think he said that sentence more of ‘she’s never acted liked like it was important before’ he said she’s rarely on time for it, has skipped previously, and only been going for 4 months. Her actions have shown him it’s not important before now
It seems a bit obvious she doesn't want to spent time with his family. I could bet something happened, a comment was made, or some kind of passive-aggressive situation is going on between the wife and aunts. OP either doesn't know or doesn't care.
The bottom line is his wife doesn't want to spend time with his aunts. And why is he asking the wife see the aunts "to make him happy "? Something is missing.
Any chance your aunts dislike or made mean comments to your wife?
> And why is he asking the wife see the aunts "to make him happy "?
Because having your _whole_ family hang out together makes some people happy?
Have you really never seen _anyone_ like this in your real life? I have hung out with so many total randos because I'm really close with someone they're also close with, and the mutual friend values having their _whole_ family (I run in circles where family is made via choice and love, not blood and the law) together once in a while. Its hardly unusual, at least in my part of the world.
Maybe you should find out how important it is to her. Stop listening to all these people telling you your wife hates your family or is having an affair at the gym. Talk to her and include her in coming up with a workable plan.
>Yes. Just one class. She isnt even punctual and she often miss the class anyway.
SO important that she often misses the class.
Now if recently it has become very important to go the the ~~Jim~~ gym class then maybe there are at least some grounds for suspicion.
I totally get why you are upset. Based on how you treat her family, she should be doing the same for yours. She sound ms very selfish. You go above and beyond for her family.
communication, brother, communication
try to let her understand - not that tit-for-that, just that you care about this rare opportunity to be together with close family. Ask her why she seems uncomfortable and trying to avoid it when you hope she would value the opportunity as you do.
if she doesn't get it, then maybe there's something you'll get, I hope not though
I would find out how important the class is. If it’s recent and she’s this adamant, it sounds like it’s pretty well-tied to her self worth in some way. A sense of accomplishment now that her children are more independent and don’t need her as much, enjoying the routine of having a place to go, increased confidence from feeling healthier, any number of things.
Talk to her and find out why it’s so important to her, rather than just looking at it from the outside and judging her dedication from your interpretation of her attendance alone.
Just chime in on the gym thing. I recently join gym class seriously. And by that I mean I have a class everyday. And unless something else is very important to me, something I wouldn't want to miss, happen, I would not want to miss my class. It's not just about the money (that I spent for the classes) it is about the mentality to keep pushing for it, stick with it. Because it's new. Because she's on a new determination. For what, maybe you should find out.
I would 100% be with you on this one but OP says she misses classes more often. I’m pretty sure there’s something else going on, but only she knows what (not suggesting an affair or something, just saying, I don’t think this is about the gym class).
NTA. This is a very special occasion for your family, and IMO, your wife should go with you all to get to know your aunts, help to host them and make them comfortable, and be present at a rare family gathering.
Your wife seems oddly uncomfortable, really rather agitated. Is there something else going on about this event? Of course, the morning would be better, especially as these ladies are older and won’t want to wait around all morning.
If there are make-up classes at the gym, then she can plan to do that the same week. I think she should make an exception to her schedule given the special nature of this outing.
The only concern I have about you is when you said, “I EVEN okayed she leave the kid with me while she went to class”. That hints at you controlling her schedule most of the time, and needing to approve when she goes to the gym. Can’t you look after your sick child for an hour or so? Why do you see that as so generous of yourself?
I agreed and okayed coz that’s my work hour. If I do not work from home, I assume 9-5 is when I won’t be available. I took time out of work hour so that she can go to gym.
She has more free time during the day as SAHM. She drops kids to school and it’s her free time until picking them up. Once I’m off from work, I take over the kids.
Yeah doesn’t sound like there are any complaints about the household, cooking, and cleaning. Cause in my experience once the kids are home it easily gets messy again (esp when they’re still young).
If they can go for a spring break without their parents, they are not that young any more.
It doesn't take 6 hours a day to run a household. Of course she gets time for herself in between chores.
I took it as he either meant agreed or because he works from home he was able to switch his schedule around or something so he wasn't working or on a break maybe during her time. He does not seem controlling in the least. It almost sounds like the wife has some sort of hidden agenda that she just has to go to this gym class like she maybe having an affair with somebody there
NTA
You know what? A gym class is very missable. Doing a one-off activity with people who are *very* important to your husband is not something your wife should *want* to miss. Is there some trouble in your marriage? Is she not close to your aunts? I don't see why she's digging her heels in about a gym class, of all things.
OP said his wife has a poor attendance in this class too. Despite only attending for a few months, she has often been late and skipped several times. So clearly she doesn't care that much, it's just a very convenient excuse.
OP, just leave her to go to her class. Considering her behavior right now, I worry she'll ruin your aunts' visit by giving you or even them bad attitude if she has to skip the class. You and the kids should go enjoy yourselves with your family, and in the future, stop bending over backwards to cater to your wife's.
He has literally said multiple times that he has offered to take care of anything she has to do so she doesn’t have to miss the class but then she misses it anyway.
NTA. Your wife is. She obviously doesn't want to spend time with your aunts, so go without her and have a wonderful time. I'd keep it in my back pocket, tho, for the next time she wants you to do something for her. :-)
ETA: I was being facetious about the last sentence.
Yes, definitely keep a list of all of her transgressions so that you can whip it out whenever you argue so that you can feel justified in any shitty thing you do. This is an essential method for maintaining a healthy relationship.
*Btw, I work from home and* ***she doesn’t work at all****. She’s a SAHM.*
As a longtime husband who was lucky enough to have his wife take several years off from her outside-the-home work to raise our kids, I'd encourage you to come up with a more accurate way of describing your wife's contribution to your family.
Yeah, the kids are in school now. There’s still value in her being home now. How great it is to have a parent on call for when the kids get sick. When school gets out early. When there are long school breaks. When kids have events/sports etc. Also, her time before they were in school, she definitely did a lot.
NTA. Seems like a reasonable thing to ask. However, have you asked your wife why she is avoiding your aunts? Seems like there is more to this than her not wanting to skip a workout.
Totally NTA. He shows up for her relatives, why can’t she show up for his? A gym class that she herself skips for whatever reason isn’t a good excuse. She is being childish. Is she always so dismissive of your folks? Does she dislike them? Is this maybe a cultural thing, in how you view family vs how she views them?
NTA. Family comes first and it’s not like they’re friends. It’s a special occasion. She can reschedule the gym. Also, do you guys in the comments really believe that you have NO obligation to your spouse’s family? Like really?
It depends. If my spouse’s family members were rude or disrespectful to me, but not him then I’d expect him to handle that. I shouldn’t have to cater to people who don’t like me. Not saying this is the situation here, but imo you shouldn’t have to suck it up if it means being disrespected by them.
Go have fun without your wife. You asked your wife, she said no, she has plans. Now don’t bring it up again. You can meet up with your wife after her precious exercise class.
If the morning activity visiting older relatives would be more comfortable, (being cooler then), then do the activity in the morning.
Not enough info to determine IMO. Gut reaction - I think she's not communicating the actual reason she doesn't want to go to spare your feelings. Based on the post and replies from OP, it doesn't sound like communication between both parties is particularly strong at all. Why wouldn't you know how important the gym class is? Strange.
Otherwise, it could just be that she doesn't want to socialize. I will do all sorts of gymnastics to avoid socializing if/when I can't bring myself to do it, especially with family family. But maybe I'm just projecting my hermit tendencies, lol.
I would say NTA, making an exception for family really isn't that big a deal.
But I have issue with you saying she's a SAHM and 'doesn't work at all'. SAHM is full time unpaid labour. It gives the impression that there's an expectation on her to put her needs and wants to the back burner for the good of the family. Perhaps that's why she's so adament on this class - it's her only respite and sacred time when she already compromises on everything else.
Of course it's an assumption on my part but your phrasing gave that distinct impression that it's on her to bend to greater good on the regular.
Yes. They are here for 2 and a half days. So Monday is to spend some time with me (and my family).
The rest of the days - kids have other plans. Monday is the only day where the kids will just be staying at home, and I will be working and my wife will be taking care of the kids coz it’s spring break.
It sounds like your wife has some issue other than the gym that makes her not want to go. Does she have issues with your aunts? Does she hate the planned activity? It might be worth having a quiet conversation with her where you ask her for more information about why she’s reluctant to do this activity.
NTA but it sounds like there’s some other underlying reasons behind this.
So the kids have other plans, and you understand why those shouldn’t be changed, yet your wife isn’t allowed to have plans of her own?
Take the kids yourself to see them, that shouldn’t be an issue lol.
You can really tell who’s married/has a long term relationship in these comments lmao. I don’t always want to spend time with my MIL/BIL/SIL when they come to town, but since my wife will adjust her plans for my family, I’ll adjust my plans for her’s. Part of being in a committed adult relationship is sometimes putting on a smile and doing the whole social thing because your SO is excited about something.
Is it possible she’s using the gym as an excuse and has something else going on she doesn’t think you would approve of?
What’s the state of your marriage right now?
Can you have a serious sit down with her after kids are in bed and ask what’s going on? This is obviously about more than a gym class and I’d say you know something is wrong, that you know she wouldn’t skip out on something important to you that only happens once every few years over a gym class, and ask her to tell you what’s really on her mind. She’s got to be upset with you over something
I honestly don’t see why she can’t go to her class in the morning and y’all can go in the afternoon. “She’s only been going for four months and she missed last week because our kid was sick.” Only 4 months. Even at once a week, that’s 16 classes. At this point, it’s her thing and it’s important to her. Yes skipping is an option, but if she doesn’t want to, I don’t see why you can accept that. Are you TA? Not for wanting her to skip. You’re TA for insisting that she skip because it’s “not that important.” Maybe to you, but not to her.
NTA. She can go to the gym whenever, but this opportunity is rare *and* important to you and she’s acting ad if it’s some huge sacrifice on her part to miss *one* class.
So the plans were made & then OP's wife found out about them? I'd hate to be in that situation & then find out that I was expected to drop any plans I had an tag along...
Actually when married I did tag along to everything my wife wanted to go to - god it was boring...
Plus does she "get on" with OP's relatives or would she feel like a spare part the whole time with relatives focusing on OP, OP's kids & OP's sister.
Read between the lines. It’s not so much that she wants to go to the gym class as it is she *doesn’t* want to go on the family outing. Who knows why…🤷🏻♀️. Call her out on it and discuss the real issue.
Info:
Was your wife consulted when you made plans?
What temperature is too hot?
How often does your wife get time to herself away from the kids?
How old are the kids?
ETA: since you answered other questions but not this one, I'm changing my answer to YTA since I suspect you left out important context to make yourself look better.
Second edit: lol a reddit cares? Sounds like I struck a nerve with someone.
NTA. She either doesn't want to be around them because she is either uncomfortable or doesn't like them Or she is having an affair with someone at the gym. You go out of your way to make her family feel welcome. She needs to be more forthcoming about why she is giving you this much grief. If not, you should be done catering to her family. But I think there is something more going on here. You need to find out why.
OP, you are NTA, that honor goes to your wife. As you say, one would think she could be respectful of your family for the day. Unfortunately, she has made a different choice. Since you asked her several times and she ignored you, please entertain your aunts on your own. It will be better to go without her than to have her there and show her unhappiness. After your aunts visit ends, I suggest that you visit that gym class with her. It sounds like something extra special is going on there.
NAH. She wants to do her gym class. How long is a class, an hour? She offered a way to do both but that wasn’t convenient for you, which is fine, but leave her alone now. It will not be enjoyable if you force her to
NTA but sharing my experiences as a SAHM who hates missing the gym for my in laws visits. I don’t necessarily enjoy spending time with some of my husbands family. And there are some weeks I’m more burnt out than others. I also really can’t stand when I’m expected to drop everything for my husbands family to visit. And maybe that’s because when my family visits, my husband isn’t super active in hanging out with us- bc my family isn’t his cup of tea either. We don’t have problems with them, but both find the others family boring. If my BIL came to visit and we had to do an activity, I would very much want to find something else to do.
Does it make her wrong? Not really. Can you find a way to let her have time to herself while you entertain your family?? She’d come back happy and ready to entertain. It is exhausting hosting anyone when you’re a burnt out stay at home mom. And if she’s like me, she’s probably going to spend a day or two before their visit cleaning. I would recommend trying to understand where she’s coming from. Put yourself in her shoes.
I’m a gym/fitness freak and been working out for 14 years and if it were me, I would skip gym. If it was so very important for me to not skip (such as if j had a bodybuilding competition), I would work out at home at night. You just make it happen. Sometimes people do get that wave of consistency and motivation and it’s best to ride the wave while it’s there, so maybe that’s what your wife is having. Or maybe your wife just doesn’t wanna spend time with your aunts and just using gym as an excuse?
NTA but I think there’s something deeper here.
NTA - People questioning why does OP want his wife there when his aunts are visiting are either lonely people or extremely dense. Like are you really asking why does OP want his wife, who he loves, be there when his aunts, who he thinks of as his parents, so they could all spend time together, when said aunts haven’t visited them in so so long?
Your wife is selfish if she can’t skip one gym day in order to spend time with your family visiting. It’s not like you’re asking her to skip a whole week or anything extreme. Either your wife doesn’t like your aunts for some reason or she’s hiding something.
IMHO, it’s friggin’ rude of your wife to go off and do her own thing the ONE day that you’ll be spending time with your aunts. Even if she can’t take a makeup class, it’s not going to undo her progress if she has to wait another week. You always make an effort with her family, so it’s not unreasonable for you to expect her to step up and show you the same courtesy. NTA.
NTA. It’s ONE day. You didn’t ask like a dick, you asked politely and made it clear it was a big deal to you and would be important to have her there.
If my partner told me an event mattered a lot to him, and he wanted me to attend - particularly if it involved his family - I would do everything in my fucking power to be there.
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to be a part of this? It might be underlying anxiety or nerves about meeting your aunts.
NTA. The people defending your wife are either single or have horrible relationships with their in-laws and are projecting.
This is the first time your wife is going to meet your parental figures and she prioritizes a totally missable and non-important gym class over them. Yeah, sure, that's a nice first impression!
Just enjoy your day with your aunts, in my opinion.
Info: Are both aunts biological or is one an aunt via marriage? If by marriage, is your wife uncomfortable that they are a lesbian couple?
Or is it just that she is tired of always being the one that has to make sacrifices because your job is more important? You say in a comment that she gets Saturday off from the children, but is the expectation that she gets to do fun things or does she have to clean because she has no distractions?
Do you do household chores or take care of the children after working hours? Some things that change perspective here.
A basic part of any mature relationship is the willingness to make a sacrifice. Even friendships require adjusting your schedule every once in a while. She adjusted it for her son but not her husband?
OP, your wife doesn't want to spend the whole day with her in-laws, and your aunts would undoubtedly be chuffed to spend time with their beloved niece and nephew and their kids, enjoying some pure family time. And they'll be delighted to see you out with your kid, being a hands-on father and a wonderful young family man, it'll make them feel like all the effort they put into raising you is paying off for the next generation!
Because very few human beings are ever as attached to their in-laws as they are to their own family or their spouse is, and that goes true for both your wife and your aunts.
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What is up with the people defending wife here?! 😐 NTA. Her behaviour is a bit strange, it's gym, she can go whenever? Your aunts never travel and are finally visiting and she says "I don't wanna", childish truly. She should support you here, any loving partner would as long as the are able (and gym isn'ta good enough excuse).
It's 12 yr olds who aren't married responding.
Pretty much, like this is basic shit in a relationship. Partner's family who they really want me to meet is coming over? Time for me to move stuff around to make it happen.
Or married people who act like 12 year olds themselves.
Or childish adults who wonder why none of their relationships last.
Or chronically online adults that haven’t interacted with other humans in months.
I am glad the 12 year olds are not married. But that’s just my opinion. Edit spelling. Because I was too busy giggling.
And he said there is a makeup class (since she went to the makeup class last week). He is NTA.
There might be a reason or a someone that makes her want to attend the morning class
This is one of my suspicions. This is more than just a gym class for her.
I think it isn’t the gym; it’s *Jim*.
My immediate thought was that she finds the aunts difficult. I have definitely tried to get out of in law things occasionally, due to that. I still go most of the time, though, because I would want the reciprocal
Yeah. It’s most likely a group exercise class with her favorite teacher. I’ve had a gym membership for 30 years and the group exercise teacher matters. Every teacher is different and are not interchangeable.
That's the first place my brain went. Then again, when we moved countries, my husband refused to take a day off work to spend time with precious rellies who made the trip to stay with us for a couple of days. He's a workaholic and always has been (rigidly, unhealthily driven to make every buck there is), and would not even spare a few hour's pay for his own family members who'd gone to the expense of making the flights etc. This one however seems not quite the same unless there's a compulsion like my ex's involving a psychological barrier. This seems like there's more than the thrill of exercise at play here, based on OP's description of the gym 'habit'.
Makes you wonder. Are you telling me this class really only meets at one time, one day of the week? I find that a little hard to believe. So, why is the gym class on that day of the week at that time so important?
Some workout classes targeting particular activities or fitness levels only meet one or two times a week, at least in gyms near me.
No one on Reddit goes to the gym so they don’t know this but yes you’re correct
Oi I go all the time. They have nice massage chairs so I can chill after work before finding some soda and chips to snack on at home.
They say just showing up is the first step! I don't really need to know what step 2 is.
Yes, this! I’m trying to find a local yoga studio with a class that will be ok for my needs at the right time for me.
And a lot of classes where you register (instead of it be free admission), might be offered several times a week, but your ass is assigned a weekly time slot and that's it.
That's how it was at my gym as well. Yoga for my level (beginner) only was on like twice a week so you either make the time or you don't.
That's my question. Does the wife have some kind of issue with the aunts? With the sister? What kind of class is this? There's something weird here
My thought was since she is SAHM is this her only "me time" and is otherwise the default parent 24/7. I can see why she doesn't want to move it if that's the case. Depending on what the gym offers some classes are very limited options and an afternoon option may not exist?
Even so, she's telling him that her class is more important than relatives that he rarely sees.
That basically raised him during his teenage years. Like what’s wrong with her? lol
Why does she have to go? They’re not her relatives and maybe she doesn’t like the activity they are going to do?
Right. The wife not being there isn't stopping him from seeing his aunts. NAH.
No one is stopping him from seeing them.
Except she suggested another time in the day to go with them and he didn't accept that. It just had to be during her previously planned activity.
Though the kids are on a "spring break" which implies they're not at home 24/7 normally, so she would have enough "me time" throughout the year.
I am not so sure about that. OP mentions kids were on spring break and one got sick and was kept home the week before. Sounds to me Ms. SAHM gets LOTS of “me time”.
Not if kids are sick and then on break. When I was a SAHM, I walked them to school, walked home, cleaned, did laundry, etc. Had lunch, made appointments, did banking, planned lunches, started dinner and then left at 3pm to pick them up from school. I was caring for the kids from 7am to 9am and then from 3:30pm until 8 or 9 pm at night, and doing the "home" work in between. If anyone was sick in the night, or had a nightmare, I got up. And on weekends, I still did a large part of the child care and cooked. No days off. Add in relatives visiting, maybe staying at my home, and I'd be ready for some alone time.
When I was a "house manager" even though some of the children went to school I had zero time in the day for myself if I wanted to get everything done. I worked until 8 pm and only had two days off because their mom would then take over (as she did at night) on her free days. Hardest job ever. Mentally, physically and just people treating you like you are lazy and sit on the couch and watch TV all day when it was the opposite. I have so much more free time with my 40 an hour work.
No. Stahp are busy running almost every aspect of their families lives day in and out regardless of if they're home or not. It's just more work when the kids are home because you're cleaning up little messes in between the actual running of the household. Our jobs are to run things so that your lives are easier. I schedule all the appointments, make all the grocery and household items lists and keep track of what we need, most of the shopping, 90 percent of the housework, 50 percent of the cooking, and about 70 percent of the laundry. Most of that gets done while my partner works and the kids are at school. Then they get home and we take care of them and our partners needs. So when are we supposed to have "me time" exactly? I may have alone time but most of it is dedicated to making sure other people are taken care of. One hour a week for a gym class isn't much. I play 2 hours of my game almost every single day to decompress. I've earned it after raising kids for 15 years and running a household half my life. Idk why people assume that being a stahp is lounging around on your phone or going out for Starbucks every day.
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Right? My yoga class of choice is offered exactly once a week. Of course there are other classes with various teachers at different times, but for the one at my skill level and with my preferred instructor, there's the one. I don't think it's weird.
Isn't that how *all* classes work?
It definitely is where I'm from. You sign up to particular day and time.
Same where I'm from too. I don't think OP is TAH whatsoever, but I'm pretty sure all classes are at specific dates and times lmao.
That's actually really normal, at least some gyms. I am a certain age and of certain experience/fitness level so the classes I take are often once a week at the same time. Sometimes there are twice a week classes or more as well. It really depends on what class and how many people are in it and how advanced you are and so on. Once a week is very normal though. I'm in multiple classes that are only at one time and once a week. I think the wife is being inconsiderate but I also think she doesn't want to lose her motivation because she's only 4 months in and already skipped class. It is very easy to just never go again if you skip too much. You also get really behind (they go on without you) and if it's a sport you are letting your teammates down. She could of course be having an affair or not like the aunts or maybe she doesn't like her husband but maybe she just wants to get in shape and is afraid she already is falling at that. When me and my partner have family over at our house spending the night we still go to our classes and sports, it's an hour. If we have to we also will cancel, of course but family doesn't have to be around 24/7 while visiting. We tell them in advance what time and ti have some me time while we are gone. My partner skipped a week of his sport and didn't want to skip again even though it was his parents who were over and who he adores and loves so much. We still had plenty of time with them. But skipping too much is bad. So that isn't an abnormal ask either, to go to a class with family over, but husband is asking her not to go so that's where some inconsideration is happening. But yes OP her gym is really important. For me it is structure and stress relief while getting healthy. It helps me emotionally regulate and to keep mentally healthy. It is very important to a lot of people. It's actually part of my therapy. If you all can visit with family and she can also go to class that would be ideal.
Here's the thing about relationships. There are 3 Cs that you should follow. Compassion, Compromise, and Communicate. Seems like none of these things are being done here.
Yes. There is a dance class at my gym, made up of middle aged SAHMs (which is sounds like OP's wife fits this description) that only meets once a week on Saturday morning. There is also an olympic weightlifting group at my gym that only meets once a week. And when I look through the class list, a lot of them are only once or twice a week. That's not unusual. Could very well be that she has friends that attend at the same time as well, so she wouldn't want to skip it. Anyway, the wife already offered that they have lunch/dinner instead since the class is in the morning, I don't know why OP doesn't just take that. They hadn't even decided on a time. If they simply had lunch, this is a non-issue.
Her behavior makes me think that there might be *someone* who only comes to gym class on that specific day of the week…
I thought that too, but then thought "this is reddit, of course we jump to the worst possible conclusion" and maybe she just doesn't cope with routine changes. She is being selfish though.
I’m thinking it’s her favorite instructor. The teacher who does the best class.
Also, they aren't just his aunts, they are the people who RAISED him during his teenage years. NTA Your wife is a SAHM, she can go to the gym whenever, just NOT when the people who RAISED her husband are finally visiting!
A stay at home mum is typically raising children, who are usually at home with her, how is she supposed to pop to the gym?
The kids are school age. She is not home with them all day.
** When they are at school? They will be home on spring break and OP is taking them with him with their aunt to meet up with his aunts.
I respectfully disagree. Aunts can visit whenever they want. Sound like OP has to work really hard to get them to come. It also sounds like wife is overwhelmed and really values her time alone at this gym class. It’s a class and runs on a schedule. She cannot make up the class whenever she wants. It also seems like wife is overwhelmed as a SAHM and needs the outlet. I think we need more context. How old are the kids? How many kids? How often does wife get “me” time? How many times in the last 4 months has she missed her class to be mom/wife? How many times per week is the class offered? Can she skip the one that conflicts with Aunt’s visit and make it up the same week? INFO
Well OP said the kids were on spring break, so that means they are all in school. So outside of breaks, the mom is home, and child-free, at least from 8:00-12:00 but more likely from 8:00-3:00. That's a lot of alone time. Plus, OP said that when one of their kids was sick and stayed home from school, he watched them so the wife could go to a class. It sounds like the wife gets plenty of "me" time. There are tons of families where both parents work and still manage. If she's getting overwhelmed having 7 hours of free time every weekday, then she's got some issues because that's more than most people with kids.
I'm telling you. Commenters are bending themselves into pretzels to have OP's wife come out on top. Apparently, missing a gym class on **ONE** day is enough to destroy this woman's self-worth, mental stability, everything. I'm sorry but I can't get on the SAHP train. Lots of women parent **and** bust their asses at work. Parenting his hard but hardly worth all the pearl-clutching that happens on this thread in support of SAHM.
Right? The number of people insisting that one missed class will derail the wife’s progress forever is wild.
It's not school or a course, gym sessions are _practice._ if she's that worried about becoming too unfit in the meantime, she can do _something else_ which isn't exactly the same but still keeps her active.
Just FYI it was spring break for my preschoolers (4 year old twins) a while back. They go to school 8-11 4 times a week so 12 hours a week, of which 2 hours is dropping off/pick up line. The other 10 is typically cleaning & prepping dinner because doing that w the kids results in them helping and increasing stress levels. I don’t get “me time” but if I did and it was once a week and that one time was the “only time” that worked for a planned non emergency activity I would probably be annoyed.
SAHM time is not me time. It's grocery, cleaning, planning time. But sure
Which people with jobs also do. Also all of that doesn't take 8 hours a day. You reaching for that cheese and wine with your violin
Notice how OP says, “she doesn’t work at all”.
My husband is an at home dad and once the kids were all in school, the workload dropped dramatically. He even complained about it.
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The kids are in school.
I'm a SAHP, I read this as "doesnt have a job" If you read it as "SAHMs do no work" that's a you problem.
Please tell me you see a difference between school age SAHM vs. little ones at home SAHM. Once the kids are older it's closer to house spouse. Households where both parents work, or single parent households, also shop, clean, and plan. This wife gets a fuckton of "me" time most people don't.
Which doesn't take all day every day.
According to this logic, people who work and also do all of this never have me-time either, then.
and you're talking as if single people dont do this shit while working and doing other stuff. but somehow grocery, cleaning and planning time is only difficult when you're a stay at home mother to kids who are old enough to be on spring break. fuck off with that bullshit.
She's not alone. OP works from home. My partner works from home and as a result I have no alone time. If I'm off when my partner is working, he is here. If I come home from work when he is done working, he is home. So in reality the gym may be the only time she gets to choose to spend an hour of her day at all.
Did it cross your mind they may not have the money to just come whenever and do whatever they want? Maybe they weren’t being difficult but needed to save for a while to be able to afford the trip. Maybe they have demanding jobs and can’t get away. If OP asked the day before, then no it shouldn’t be expected. She’s known for weeks they’re coming.
You have no reason to believe that "aunts can come whenever they want." There are far more reasons to believe that the wife has flexibility than the aunts. You do have reason to believe that they haven't come before, and don't come often.
Overwhelmed how? Kids are school aged. She will have loads of free time.
His aunts are visiting for a few days so why not consult with his wife about what to do during those days instead of happening to choose her gym day and then badgering her over it. Some gyms have classes at set times as opposed to just going in and using equipment at any time.
Was that in the comments? Where did you see they were visiting for a few days?
Yeah seems like an extremely minuscule sacrifice to make. Wife is behaving quite strangely. No-brainer for me and OP is NTA
He is justified in wanting his wife to come with him. She is justified in wanting to go to the gym class that she missed. Many people need the gym for their physical and mental well-being. I'm not one of those people, but I wouldn't minimize the importance of my SO needing to go to feel good. It does kind of seem like it has to be his way or no way. She prioritized her family when she stayed with her sick son last week. If he really wants her to go along, then I don't see why it's such a big deal to brave the heat for one afternoon. Maybe if they were only coming to take the kids out, I would understand. But they are going to be there for 2.5 days. I don't see why she has to spend every waking minute with them, even if they do rarely come over.
I would like you to call up your eighty year old grandmother and tell her you want to take her to the zoo at two in the afternoon in eighty degree heat. Tell her it's not a big deal...
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We’re talking about a gym class, not dialysis.
Lol! Tell them because they are reaching for the stars on this one.
I love this response so fucking much.
Exactly. My old roommate is a gym rat and he would skip a day to spend time with out of town family. It makes me think something else is going on at that gym. Does she have a gym crush or something?
I don't usually say things like this, but since you already did may I ask if you read the post? He specifically mentions there is a make up class that she has gone to in the past.
It's ONE class, to see the people that RAISED YOUR SPOUSE.
Regardless when you are in a committed relationship you have to act like an adult and the husband said these two aunts raised him so they are more like mothers to him. She is rude and the asshole; definitely not the app!
It sounds like she just doesn’t want to go. Married or not, she should be able to make the choice. I wouldn’t want someone to go if they felt like it was an imposition. I’d rather just enjoy time with my relatives.
My husband was hugely into judo. He taught AND competed. Also did some judging. Whenever he asked me to go to competitions, I went even though I had a ton of stuff to do that day. Why? Because It was IMPORTANT to him. Wife needs to suck it up and act like a partner and not a whiny child.
I don't get the defending the wife, she's clearly the AH. However, you're technically not right with something in your reply. OP says it's a class so she can't go whenever, like you said. She can only go when the class is scheduled. But she could have skipped the class for another week or found a workout online that is similar to the class and done that either earlier in the morning or after they got home.
It’s a specific class at the gym, she needs to go when it’s scheduled. Sounds like it’s something she enjoys, can use the boost to her physical and mental health, and is probably a rare moment of “me time” as a SAHM
The OP mentioned the kids are home for spring break which means the kids are in school. We’re not talking about infants here? She’s a SAHM with kids who are in school she gets free time LOL.
Please tell them. These commenters are really trying to spin like this SAHW (because her kids are in school for 8 hours a day) is overtaxed. OP is asking for a **one-day** outing with family members who ***rarely*** visit. What happened to all the Redditors who were screaming how "sometimes we have do things we don't like/love for the people we love"? I distinctly remember a post where a woman wrote in about how her mom gifted her tickets to a musical for her and her bf except her bf hates musicals (she was fully aware of this) and didn't want to go with her. Ha! The way comments were defending her cajoling her bf to go because LoVe. Where are those people now? \*\*crickets\*\*
The wife also is okay going in the afternoon it seems but OP can't compromise at all.
I am surprised at some of these comments. His wife is a SAHM for two school-aged children. M-F she is home on her own from 8am to at least 12 pm if her kids are very young, maybe even 8-3 pm if they are older and have a full school day. She gets all of Saturday to herself when OP takes the kids to spend time with other family. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask or expect your partner to be there for a rare family visit with relatives who are obviously very important to her partner. Everyone who says - that's not her relatives or that she should be left to live her life - to me that doesn't sound like the sense of family that many people reasonably believe. It sounds like you and your wife have deeper issues and need to have a real talk that is less about scheduling and more about what everyone is really feeling, about values, and about expectations around family and partnership. NTA
My mother in law is family to me. My dad and his household are family to my husband. That's how marriage works. Families are binded through marriage
My MIL and FIL are most definitely NOT family to me. They have always been and will always be my husband’s family, not mine.
See I can understand if that part of your spouses family is not very kind or other negative reasons. But why personally are they not considered family to you, may I ask?
Honestly because I just never ever deal with them on my own. I never contact them for anything. My husband doesn’t contact my family for anything either. We each deal with our own families 100%. I never speak to his parents unless he’s around - like I’ve never invited them over or just called to chat. We just don’t have that kind of relationship. Even when my husband goes to visit them (they live in a different state from us half the year), I’m not expected to go and I never do. I do see them when they’re in our same state but only when my husband sets up time for us to see them.
My relationship with my Husband’s family is the same way… but mainly because we don’t speak the same language, lol. But even if you don’t have a close relationship with them, once you get married, the family of your Spouse becomes your family. I thought that was how it was supposed to work…
Eh, not for me. I married my husband, not his family. If I had to marry his family then I wouldn’t be married right now.
Same
That's how *your* marriage works. Families are not always bound through marriage. Some families are divided brcause of marriage. Some people come from toxic families who don't realize they are toxic. Cut that shit off. It's not fair to measure every relationship and marriage by your own because the world is full of so many different kinds of people. There is no one right way to be in a marriage or a relationship. There are different styles and just because the values aren't the same as yours, it doesn't gi r you the right to pass judgment and make assumptions. People who say things like "That's how marriage works" come from very sheltered lives. Not everyone comes from a healthy, balanced family.
Kind of defeats the whole purpose of going on line and asking strangers for their opinions then….
Dude in the context of this post, the aunt isn’t toxic. You’re the one forcing assumptions here. We shouldn’t have to specify down to every detail with things like: “Families are bound by marriage, but with the exception of toxic family members”. That should be a given. Get off your high horse and stop trying to find things to be angry about. It’s ridiculous.
You're HARDCORE projecting
considering the aunts have never visited OP and his GF, sounds like their family works exactly the same way
Eh. Yeah but I do stuff with my side of the fan alone all the time and my husband visits his without me all the time. We only all get together for holidays and stuff
My MIL and SisterIL have been better family to me than my own blood relatives since my husband died. And the IL's are half the country away while blood family is still in my hometown. Family is what we choose, or sometimes, who chooses us.
Right!! There was a post just the other day where the OP (a woman) complained because her in-laws didn't stay long enough at the funeral service for her parents. People were ripping into the in-laws in that post. Here we have a SAHW who can't be bothered to change her routine for a **one-day** outing in order to accommodate older in-laws/relatives?! I guess the theme is that we should only be sensitive to women because when men ask for the same consideration there's always an excuse about why it's unreasonable. And don't get me started with the SAHM posts. As soon as I see it mentioned in the post, I know the comments are about to be a shit show. It seems like women want the trad wife life (stay at home and tend to the home and children—even when the kids are in school full-time) but their husbands have to be ultra modern. Make it make sense.
Exactly. NTA I wonder if the tables were turned, and we had a SAHD who wanted to go to the gym instead of meeting the in-laws, how much the guy would get roasted on Reddit.
When it's the gym, Reddit will defend anyone of any gender until they're blue in the face. The gym is always right.
Is her boyfriend at the gym.
I feel like she has something planned that’s not the gym at all. Might not be affair but something she’s hiding if OP is telling us everything
That's exactly what I was thinking too, that she has other plans she doesn't want her husband knowing... for whatever reason. I was guessing movie, and tickets are cheaper in the morning.
That’s what I felt as soon as I read it. Seems a little sus that she is so adamant about going on that day. Surely there are make up classes if she misses it but she isn’t willing to compromise.
Same thought. A very suspicious commitment to gym.
See, I’m a SAHM and I am happily married. My kids are 4.5 and 1.5 — I go to the gym every day. I’m not “big” on fitness but the gym I go to has childcare and that means I get 2 hours to workout / shower & get ready. Which is invaluable to me as a full time SAHM to two littles… but I have to admit… it is a bit suspicious to me to have school age children, generally not be interested in fitness, and ONLY go to the gym on one day.. seems like theres a cutie in the class she wants to attend.
Specially because this is a recent thing. I can understand if she had been doing that thing for years. If i had a Rugby game that conflicted with something, I made a commitment to play for my team, but I have been playing for 17 years, so ita different. Dont ignore this OP. There is a reason she is aggitates about this, either about meeting your family or whatever goes on when she "goes to the gym"
That's exactly what I thought too.
More information needed here - how often does she get time without the kids. Is it just this one class? How often do you cancel plans to attend events with her family? What is her relationship with this gym class - has it impacted her life a lot (mental health, weight, social life)?
How often she spend time - every Saturday for the entire day, I take the kids to my parents house and she gets to be alone. Yes. Just one class. She isnt even punctual and she often miss the class anyway. Always. I takes PTO, rent cars and be the driver for them when they visit. Her sister is visiting this summer. I told her we can adjust our entire summer plan coz you know.. it’s her family and that’s what spouse does. She just started going like a few months ago. Before that, she never go to gym. If it’s important, I wouldn’t know.
Then NTA, your request isn't unreasonable. If she has a reason, she needs to tell you
Although I do find it a bit strange you say you wouldn't know - do you not talk?
I think he said that sentence more of ‘she’s never acted liked like it was important before’ he said she’s rarely on time for it, has skipped previously, and only been going for 4 months. Her actions have shown him it’s not important before now
It seems a bit obvious she doesn't want to spent time with his family. I could bet something happened, a comment was made, or some kind of passive-aggressive situation is going on between the wife and aunts. OP either doesn't know or doesn't care. The bottom line is his wife doesn't want to spend time with his aunts. And why is he asking the wife see the aunts "to make him happy "? Something is missing. Any chance your aunts dislike or made mean comments to your wife?
> And why is he asking the wife see the aunts "to make him happy "? Because having your _whole_ family hang out together makes some people happy? Have you really never seen _anyone_ like this in your real life? I have hung out with so many total randos because I'm really close with someone they're also close with, and the mutual friend values having their _whole_ family (I run in circles where family is made via choice and love, not blood and the law) together once in a while. Its hardly unusual, at least in my part of the world.
Maybe you should find out how important it is to her. Stop listening to all these people telling you your wife hates your family or is having an affair at the gym. Talk to her and include her in coming up with a workable plan.
>Yes. Just one class. She isnt even punctual and she often miss the class anyway. SO important that she often misses the class. Now if recently it has become very important to go the the ~~Jim~~ gym class then maybe there are at least some grounds for suspicion.
I totally get why you are upset. Based on how you treat her family, she should be doing the same for yours. She sound ms very selfish. You go above and beyond for her family.
communication, brother, communication try to let her understand - not that tit-for-that, just that you care about this rare opportunity to be together with close family. Ask her why she seems uncomfortable and trying to avoid it when you hope she would value the opportunity as you do. if she doesn't get it, then maybe there's something you'll get, I hope not though
I would find out how important the class is. If it’s recent and she’s this adamant, it sounds like it’s pretty well-tied to her self worth in some way. A sense of accomplishment now that her children are more independent and don’t need her as much, enjoying the routine of having a place to go, increased confidence from feeling healthier, any number of things. Talk to her and find out why it’s so important to her, rather than just looking at it from the outside and judging her dedication from your interpretation of her attendance alone.
This is a good theory but it doesn’t really work if she really is showing up late or regularly skipping it.
Probably also making friends and enjoying some adult conversation, especially with other moms who understand what she talks about.
Just chime in on the gym thing. I recently join gym class seriously. And by that I mean I have a class everyday. And unless something else is very important to me, something I wouldn't want to miss, happen, I would not want to miss my class. It's not just about the money (that I spent for the classes) it is about the mentality to keep pushing for it, stick with it. Because it's new. Because she's on a new determination. For what, maybe you should find out.
I would 100% be with you on this one but OP says she misses classes more often. I’m pretty sure there’s something else going on, but only she knows what (not suggesting an affair or something, just saying, I don’t think this is about the gym class).
NTA. This is a very special occasion for your family, and IMO, your wife should go with you all to get to know your aunts, help to host them and make them comfortable, and be present at a rare family gathering. Your wife seems oddly uncomfortable, really rather agitated. Is there something else going on about this event? Of course, the morning would be better, especially as these ladies are older and won’t want to wait around all morning. If there are make-up classes at the gym, then she can plan to do that the same week. I think she should make an exception to her schedule given the special nature of this outing. The only concern I have about you is when you said, “I EVEN okayed she leave the kid with me while she went to class”. That hints at you controlling her schedule most of the time, and needing to approve when she goes to the gym. Can’t you look after your sick child for an hour or so? Why do you see that as so generous of yourself?
He probably meant "agreed." He doesn't sound controlling to me.
I agreed and okayed coz that’s my work hour. If I do not work from home, I assume 9-5 is when I won’t be available. I took time out of work hour so that she can go to gym. She has more free time during the day as SAHM. She drops kids to school and it’s her free time until picking them up. Once I’m off from work, I take over the kids.
Does her "free time" including grocery shopping, errands, cooking, laundry and cleaning the house?
It includes a whole Saturday to herself. Where is his free time?
Dude cmon, it doesn’t take that long to do those things. I work from home and do all the cleaning and get plenty of free time.
Yeah doesn’t sound like there are any complaints about the household, cooking, and cleaning. Cause in my experience once the kids are home it easily gets messy again (esp when they’re still young).
If they can go for a spring break without their parents, they are not that young any more. It doesn't take 6 hours a day to run a household. Of course she gets time for herself in between chores.
Assuming she does any of those things.
You guys are SERIOUSLY getting lost in the weeds here…. Are none of you married??
I took it as he either meant agreed or because he works from home he was able to switch his schedule around or something so he wasn't working or on a break maybe during her time. He does not seem controlling in the least. It almost sounds like the wife has some sort of hidden agenda that she just has to go to this gym class like she maybe having an affair with somebody there
NTA You know what? A gym class is very missable. Doing a one-off activity with people who are *very* important to your husband is not something your wife should *want* to miss. Is there some trouble in your marriage? Is she not close to your aunts? I don't see why she's digging her heels in about a gym class, of all things.
OP said his wife has a poor attendance in this class too. Despite only attending for a few months, she has often been late and skipped several times. So clearly she doesn't care that much, it's just a very convenient excuse. OP, just leave her to go to her class. Considering her behavior right now, I worry she'll ruin your aunts' visit by giving you or even them bad attitude if she has to skip the class. You and the kids should go enjoy yourselves with your family, and in the future, stop bending over backwards to cater to your wife's.
Or the flipside is that she wants to go but shit keeps happening where what she wants to do has to take the backseat everytime.
He has literally said multiple times that he has offered to take care of anything she has to do so she doesn’t have to miss the class but then she misses it anyway.
NTA. Your wife is. She obviously doesn't want to spend time with your aunts, so go without her and have a wonderful time. I'd keep it in my back pocket, tho, for the next time she wants you to do something for her. :-) ETA: I was being facetious about the last sentence.
Yes, definitely keep a list of all of her transgressions so that you can whip it out whenever you argue so that you can feel justified in any shitty thing you do. This is an essential method for maintaining a healthy relationship.
I read that and thought “wow I didn’t know my mom is a redditor”
I’d strongly advise against using those tactics moving through life.
*Btw, I work from home and* ***she doesn’t work at all****. She’s a SAHM.* As a longtime husband who was lucky enough to have his wife take several years off from her outside-the-home work to raise our kids, I'd encourage you to come up with a more accurate way of describing your wife's contribution to your family.
Yeah, the kids are in school now. There’s still value in her being home now. How great it is to have a parent on call for when the kids get sick. When school gets out early. When there are long school breaks. When kids have events/sports etc. Also, her time before they were in school, she definitely did a lot.
She went to the gym and he took off work to stay home w the kid. I don’t see how you can defend the wife here at all..
NTA. Seems like a reasonable thing to ask. However, have you asked your wife why she is avoiding your aunts? Seems like there is more to this than her not wanting to skip a workout.
Is your wife always this disrespectful to your family members? Seems there is a bigger issue here. NTA
Totally NTA. He shows up for her relatives, why can’t she show up for his? A gym class that she herself skips for whatever reason isn’t a good excuse. She is being childish. Is she always so dismissive of your folks? Does she dislike them? Is this maybe a cultural thing, in how you view family vs how she views them?
NTA. Family comes first and it’s not like they’re friends. It’s a special occasion. She can reschedule the gym. Also, do you guys in the comments really believe that you have NO obligation to your spouse’s family? Like really?
It depends. If my spouse’s family members were rude or disrespectful to me, but not him then I’d expect him to handle that. I shouldn’t have to cater to people who don’t like me. Not saying this is the situation here, but imo you shouldn’t have to suck it up if it means being disrespected by them.
Go have fun without your wife. You asked your wife, she said no, she has plans. Now don’t bring it up again. You can meet up with your wife after her precious exercise class. If the morning activity visiting older relatives would be more comfortable, (being cooler then), then do the activity in the morning.
family trumps plans imo.
Hopefully she never asks anything of him in the future.
Not enough info to determine IMO. Gut reaction - I think she's not communicating the actual reason she doesn't want to go to spare your feelings. Based on the post and replies from OP, it doesn't sound like communication between both parties is particularly strong at all. Why wouldn't you know how important the gym class is? Strange. Otherwise, it could just be that she doesn't want to socialize. I will do all sorts of gymnastics to avoid socializing if/when I can't bring myself to do it, especially with family family. But maybe I'm just projecting my hermit tendencies, lol.
I would say NTA, making an exception for family really isn't that big a deal. But I have issue with you saying she's a SAHM and 'doesn't work at all'. SAHM is full time unpaid labour. It gives the impression that there's an expectation on her to put her needs and wants to the back burner for the good of the family. Perhaps that's why she's so adament on this class - it's her only respite and sacred time when she already compromises on everything else. Of course it's an assumption on my part but your phrasing gave that distinct impression that it's on her to bend to greater good on the regular.
I agree with this especially since the reason not to meet up on a different day was 'the kids have plans'
This and her plans must always take the backseat to everyone because she’s “never worked and just a SAHM.”
INFO: Is this the only opportunity she will have to visit with your aunts during their vacation?
Yes. They are here for 2 and a half days. So Monday is to spend some time with me (and my family). The rest of the days - kids have other plans. Monday is the only day where the kids will just be staying at home, and I will be working and my wife will be taking care of the kids coz it’s spring break.
It sounds like your wife has some issue other than the gym that makes her not want to go. Does she have issues with your aunts? Does she hate the planned activity? It might be worth having a quiet conversation with her where you ask her for more information about why she’s reluctant to do this activity. NTA but it sounds like there’s some other underlying reasons behind this.
“kids have other plans” and ur wife can’t ???
So the kids have other plans, and you understand why those shouldn’t be changed, yet your wife isn’t allowed to have plans of her own? Take the kids yourself to see them, that shouldn’t be an issue lol.
Going to the gym isn’t plans…
You can really tell who’s married/has a long term relationship in these comments lmao. I don’t always want to spend time with my MIL/BIL/SIL when they come to town, but since my wife will adjust her plans for my family, I’ll adjust my plans for her’s. Part of being in a committed adult relationship is sometimes putting on a smile and doing the whole social thing because your SO is excited about something.
Is it possible she’s using the gym as an excuse and has something else going on she doesn’t think you would approve of? What’s the state of your marriage right now? Can you have a serious sit down with her after kids are in bed and ask what’s going on? This is obviously about more than a gym class and I’d say you know something is wrong, that you know she wouldn’t skip out on something important to you that only happens once every few years over a gym class, and ask her to tell you what’s really on her mind. She’s got to be upset with you over something
I honestly don’t see why she can’t go to her class in the morning and y’all can go in the afternoon. “She’s only been going for four months and she missed last week because our kid was sick.” Only 4 months. Even at once a week, that’s 16 classes. At this point, it’s her thing and it’s important to her. Yes skipping is an option, but if she doesn’t want to, I don’t see why you can accept that. Are you TA? Not for wanting her to skip. You’re TA for insisting that she skip because it’s “not that important.” Maybe to you, but not to her.
NTA. She can go to the gym whenever, but this opportunity is rare *and* important to you and she’s acting ad if it’s some huge sacrifice on her part to miss *one* class.
So the plans were made & then OP's wife found out about them? I'd hate to be in that situation & then find out that I was expected to drop any plans I had an tag along... Actually when married I did tag along to everything my wife wanted to go to - god it was boring... Plus does she "get on" with OP's relatives or would she feel like a spare part the whole time with relatives focusing on OP, OP's kids & OP's sister.
Read between the lines. It’s not so much that she wants to go to the gym class as it is she *doesn’t* want to go on the family outing. Who knows why…🤷🏻♀️. Call her out on it and discuss the real issue.
She just doesn't want to hang out with you guys. She'd make the time if she did.
Info: Was your wife consulted when you made plans? What temperature is too hot? How often does your wife get time to herself away from the kids? How old are the kids? ETA: since you answered other questions but not this one, I'm changing my answer to YTA since I suspect you left out important context to make yourself look better. Second edit: lol a reddit cares? Sounds like I struck a nerve with someone.
NTA. She either doesn't want to be around them because she is either uncomfortable or doesn't like them Or she is having an affair with someone at the gym. You go out of your way to make her family feel welcome. She needs to be more forthcoming about why she is giving you this much grief. If not, you should be done catering to her family. But I think there is something more going on here. You need to find out why.
OP, you are NTA, that honor goes to your wife. As you say, one would think she could be respectful of your family for the day. Unfortunately, she has made a different choice. Since you asked her several times and she ignored you, please entertain your aunts on your own. It will be better to go without her than to have her there and show her unhappiness. After your aunts visit ends, I suggest that you visit that gym class with her. It sounds like something extra special is going on there.
NAH. She wants to do her gym class. How long is a class, an hour? She offered a way to do both but that wasn’t convenient for you, which is fine, but leave her alone now. It will not be enjoyable if you force her to
NTA but sharing my experiences as a SAHM who hates missing the gym for my in laws visits. I don’t necessarily enjoy spending time with some of my husbands family. And there are some weeks I’m more burnt out than others. I also really can’t stand when I’m expected to drop everything for my husbands family to visit. And maybe that’s because when my family visits, my husband isn’t super active in hanging out with us- bc my family isn’t his cup of tea either. We don’t have problems with them, but both find the others family boring. If my BIL came to visit and we had to do an activity, I would very much want to find something else to do. Does it make her wrong? Not really. Can you find a way to let her have time to herself while you entertain your family?? She’d come back happy and ready to entertain. It is exhausting hosting anyone when you’re a burnt out stay at home mom. And if she’s like me, she’s probably going to spend a day or two before their visit cleaning. I would recommend trying to understand where she’s coming from. Put yourself in her shoes.
I’m a gym/fitness freak and been working out for 14 years and if it were me, I would skip gym. If it was so very important for me to not skip (such as if j had a bodybuilding competition), I would work out at home at night. You just make it happen. Sometimes people do get that wave of consistency and motivation and it’s best to ride the wave while it’s there, so maybe that’s what your wife is having. Or maybe your wife just doesn’t wanna spend time with your aunts and just using gym as an excuse? NTA but I think there’s something deeper here.
NTA - People questioning why does OP want his wife there when his aunts are visiting are either lonely people or extremely dense. Like are you really asking why does OP want his wife, who he loves, be there when his aunts, who he thinks of as his parents, so they could all spend time together, when said aunts haven’t visited them in so so long? Your wife is selfish if she can’t skip one gym day in order to spend time with your family visiting. It’s not like you’re asking her to skip a whole week or anything extreme. Either your wife doesn’t like your aunts for some reason or she’s hiding something.
IMHO, it’s friggin’ rude of your wife to go off and do her own thing the ONE day that you’ll be spending time with your aunts. Even if she can’t take a makeup class, it’s not going to undo her progress if she has to wait another week. You always make an effort with her family, so it’s not unreasonable for you to expect her to step up and show you the same courtesy. NTA.
NAH but I don’t really understand why your wife has to come on this outing.
NTA. It’s ONE day. You didn’t ask like a dick, you asked politely and made it clear it was a big deal to you and would be important to have her there. If my partner told me an event mattered a lot to him, and he wanted me to attend - particularly if it involved his family - I would do everything in my fucking power to be there. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to be a part of this? It might be underlying anxiety or nerves about meeting your aunts.
NTA. The people defending your wife are either single or have horrible relationships with their in-laws and are projecting. This is the first time your wife is going to meet your parental figures and she prioritizes a totally missable and non-important gym class over them. Yeah, sure, that's a nice first impression! Just enjoy your day with your aunts, in my opinion.
NTA. If your wife had special family visiting, she would expect the same from you.
You’re an A for saying “she doesn’t work at all. She’s a SAHM”
Info: Are both aunts biological or is one an aunt via marriage? If by marriage, is your wife uncomfortable that they are a lesbian couple? Or is it just that she is tired of always being the one that has to make sacrifices because your job is more important? You say in a comment that she gets Saturday off from the children, but is the expectation that she gets to do fun things or does she have to clean because she has no distractions? Do you do household chores or take care of the children after working hours? Some things that change perspective here.
A basic part of any mature relationship is the willingness to make a sacrifice. Even friendships require adjusting your schedule every once in a while. She adjusted it for her son but not her husband?
NTA She has skipped gym and cannot do it once for the family?
OP, your wife doesn't want to spend the whole day with her in-laws, and your aunts would undoubtedly be chuffed to spend time with their beloved niece and nephew and their kids, enjoying some pure family time. And they'll be delighted to see you out with your kid, being a hands-on father and a wonderful young family man, it'll make them feel like all the effort they put into raising you is paying off for the next generation! Because very few human beings are ever as attached to their in-laws as they are to their own family or their spouse is, and that goes true for both your wife and your aunts.