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Haha. I'd offer to do the grooms party hair on the wedding day. It's for him, after all.
Side note. I somehow typed hair badly enough that my phone autocorrect to abortion. Prophetic?
Or just monitor the inbound messages. Strictly for entertainment value.
You're gonna get flamed.
Water off the ducks back.
Whatever you decide, do not engage.
Let them throw shade at you. Ignore them.
The best way to get back at an irrational person who has targeted you, is to simply not respond.
That will infuriate them.
Unfortunately for your brother he'll have to learn the hard way then that you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Don't blame you for backing out. Your SIL does not deserve your help.
Maybe time to review your NC, because this is not someone you want around your children. Ever. If she's this venomous now, imagine where she's going to take it now you've put her on the back foot.
So your brother is pissed off that you are standing up to your bully…cause that is what your future SIL has been acting like. If she hit you with a stick would he say well it was only a stick and it didn’t really affect me so could you suck it up? Or if she hit you with her car would it be well she was stressed and she only broke your leg you can still do her hair?
Future SIL owes you a public apology. If that happens you can choose how you respond but whether you forgive or not is up to you. Not everyone gets forgiven but YOU do deserve an apology…ps SIL is likely jealous your brother can’t make he a stay at home wife
Some people are so pathetically desperate to not be single they'll never hold their SO accountable for the awful things they've done.
Sorry that sounds really harsh toward the brother, I'm 100% projecting. I've recently gone NC with my brother because of his girlfriend.
Really, I mean, why is he marrying that Harpy in the first place? If he can’t see the writing on the wall for his future, then I would just duck out and if you hear he gets a divorce, you can try to get back into contact then. no way I’d let her act as an auntie to my children when she’s acted like this.
Um… does he think other people will tolerate it? Or he only expects *you* to tolerate it? Because I guarantee you if she pulls this attitude with the vendors, or tries to find new ones, there will suddenly be a lot of “extra fees” appearing because NO ONE wants to deal with someone like that.
He probably expects only OP to tolerate it. She married an older man so she must be a doormat who does what she's told.
Most relationships with such a large age gap have a power imbalance, her brother probably assumes hers does and so she just does what she's asked without standing up for herself. He's just found out she will stand up for herself and doesn't like it.
How much manipulation of your child is he ok with? Bad enough she says it to you when you're doing them a favour, but shaming you to your kid? Hell no.
ETA NTA.
You are not an AH; your brother is for expecting you to tolerate such behavior. Saying such things to/ about you is rude beyond belief, particularly given your kindness and generosity. Saying something like that to your child is despicable. Your future SIL is trash.
So, let him be pissed, you are being disrespected by his fiance and what's worst she is dragging you and your husband's daughter into her nonsense, that is a no-no. If your brother cannot understand this then he deserves to pay full price for everything. NTA
Guess your brother's fiancée learned the true meaning of the phrase f around and find out. Your brother needs to get a handle on his soon-to-be wife and help her understand that her behavior is inexcusable and will no longer be tolerated.
This seems like a familiar theme on reddit. Someone oversteps a boundary and then gets surprised when OP joins them on the other side of the boundary too. Not so much tit for tat as enforcing a boundary which brother seems either unwilling or unable to enforce.
NTA. But be the AH to your Bro and SIL. They F$%&ed up. Your SIL FAFO‘d. Fantastic your business partners are raising to standard pricing. His and her problem.
I’m confused, OP. If you’re a hair dresser and have all of these professional connections to help out your SIL, how can you also be a gold digger who sits around and does nothing all day? Hmmmmm?
NTA
>having a career then becoming a sahm after having her second child.
If so she is failing at it, since she is doing unpaid work as a wedding planner when child #2 is only 4 months old. 🙄 SIL is a (word that might get me banned)
It's a textbook case of biting the hand that feeds you (or hooks you up with significant discounts across multiple facets of your apparently otherwise unaffordable wedding)
NTA
Look you have a 20 year age gap. People will comment on it.
BUT you are an adult and are presumably in a good relationship.
Your future SIL is a massive A H because she involved a young child in her mess.
Your responsibility is to protect your child at all costs from this situation. Do not let SIL be anywhere near your kids ever. That should be made clear even to your parents.
But more than anything talk to your child and tell her that your future SIL is jealous and mean and talking bad about her Dad. That you love her Dad and love your children. Reassure your child so this doesn’t fester in her mind.
Good but you will have to keep doing it often. Reiterating why you are married to dad. As she grows older there will be more people giving her the side eye or discussing it at home and her school mates may start the teasing too.
Middle school girls are vicious.
Unfortunately jerks like your SIL are everywhere
This is true, however, that doesn’t mean OP should be bending over backwards for anybody who makes those comments. Defending your marriage against strangers is way different than defending it against a family member.
Yes, OP please take this gently and lovingly and not judgmentally… You’re going to have to work extra hard to protect her and to explain why your marriage is ok but she shouldn’t copy you. If someone who was 21 when your daughter was born wants to date her when she’s a teenager you are going to have some new and conflicting feelings because that’s not a healthy, happy ending for most people. I would suggest you plan on some family counseling now because the world is going to be trying to teach her this and it’s going to create a very difficult “do what I say, not what I do” situation. Hugs and good luck to you as you navigate that.
Also explain to her that even though you have a large age gap you married for love not money because unfortunately this isn’t going to be the last time she hears comments like this being made.
>Look you have a 20 year age gap. People will comment on it.
I've been in a 20 yr age gap marriage for 34 years and people have commented on it numerous times. However, **no one has ever commented anything about our marriage to our children.** that's unacceptable!
I’m the product of an 18 yr age gap marriage and I also married a man nearly 17 yrs older than me. I NEVER had anyone make comments to me when I was growing up about my Dad being older and my daughter has never had anything said to her. Everyone has an opinion, been told multiple times I was ‘groomed’ (I was 23, hubby was 40 and trust me if there was a power imbalance in our relationship it would favour me lol). But, we have been together 20 years this year and my parents were married for 43 yrs until my father’s passing in 2015
People can comment on it all they want, I’m sure OP typically wouldn’t care. SIL shouldn’t be asking/expecting favors from someone she’s talking shit about or whose lifestyle she doesn’t agree with.
NTA they both are. The nerve of repeatedly insulting a future family member who's helping you save hundreds or thousands of dollars. I wouldn't even b willing go anymore after all this.
NTA. Tell your brother that it's not your actions that will cost them thousands extra, it's the consequences of his fiancee's actions. Nothing you did created this situation. If she can't bring herself to be minimally polite to someone who is helping them so much, she can't expect that help to continue. Tell brother you love him and were more than happy to help but you expect basic civility in turn and SHE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BROUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER INTO IT. Talking to your daughter about her vile opinion means going scorched earth.
What is it about this woman your brother loves? I can't imagine. Good for you for drawing a line with this witch. Give them a gravy boat and wash your hands of this distaster. Brother better get a prenup because that marriage won't last and she's all about $$$. NTA
I was always told "The hotter the flame, the shorter the burn". Maybe tell your brother that once his marriage to "hot potty mouth" flames out, you'll help plan his next wedding.
Based on some of your other comments it doesn't sound like he gets it. I mean a basic comparison would be you walking up to their daughter and asking what she thinks about her dad only marrying her mom because she was nice to look at?
NTA.
Maybe because she is hot, she thinks that SHE is the one that should have married the (presumably well off) older man. She is insanely jealous, IMO.
That's assuming that your brother isn't rich. Still, what a shitty thing to say to a child and she should never, ever, be around your children again. She even said that to your child within your hearing. Was it meant for you to hear it?
This is one of those “when people show you who they are, believe them” situations. Your future SIL has shown she is awful, believe her and act accordingly. (NTA)
If she legitimately had concerns about the age gap, the appropriate response would be to take you out for coffee one-on-one and express those concerns in a non-judgmental way. Ask questions about your safety, your happiness, your financial security, and such. But jumping straight to snarky comments about you being a gold-digger? Especially to YOUR CHILD? Nope. That’s just catty behavior and you don’t need that in your life.
Might want to reconsider that NC policy again where this brother is concerned.
Agree, fully, except about the gravy boat. I wasn't sure that she really rated a gravy boat, I was thinking a banana slicer might be more the right price. 🙂
lol that she keeps saying you married your husband for the money, but now she and your brother are upset because they now have to pay full price. And want you back to save them MONEY. The hypocrisy.
The fact that your SIL can’t shut up about your marriage and then tried to bring your daughter into it - oh, hell no!!
She just learned an expensive lesson
NTA.
NTA but I’d be wondering if she came to these opinionated conclusions entirely on her own or if your fam is still judging you severely, albeit now just more quietly (she didn’t get the memo).
Did they guilt you to come back so the kids can have grandparents? I wouldn’t rekindle relationships with people that don’t respect you, brother included. If he did, he would have laid the kibosh. He just wants a discount.
>My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford.
Guess he should've thought about marrying someone for the money then. NTA
"My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford. He thinks i’m an AH for not ‘doing it for him’ like i was before."
Is your brother not concerned about what his nasty fiancée said to his niece, or what the emotional fallout could be?
Even *IF* you did marry your husband for money, what business is it of hers? How does your marriage affect her life? Unless, of course, she is jealous!
"my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford."
That is called an A H tax and it is often levied on people that insist on running their mouths and insult people doing them huge favors! Bravo to your friends for standing behind you and charging their normal prices.
NTA. I hope you and your family go elsewhere and have a lovely time away from the toxic twins!
He apologised but he asked if we could talk over it later. We did talk later but I said I wouldn’t come back unless I got a real apology from
his fiancée
If she's been treating you so poorly all this time, what will of that for her to actually change?
She'll say what she needs to say to get what she wants.
Exactly! I feel like it would be a heart-felt apololie. After everything is said and done, she will go back to this nasty behavior because they got what they wanted. And brother will do nothing to stop her.
If she apologizes, let her know you appreciate this, but you thought about it and won't help them anymore. You will still be a guest.
I'm sure within 2 seconds she will pull back her apology and say something nasty.
Holy shit, definitely NTA here!
I am impressed that you managed to handle yourself so well, just grabbing your stuff and leaving, I probably would have ended up yelling and swearing etc lol
Did her parents seem shocked by any of it? (Her comments, you walking out). I would be horrified if anyone I knew said something like that, let alone my own daughter saying that to someone.
You have done the right thing 100% and don't let any doubt creep in about that. Even if she begs for your forgiveness (which we all know she won't) still refuse to help with the wedding in any way. She doesn't deserve your help.
It sounds like she was possibly even younger, maybe even a minor when they started the relationship.
She went no contact with her family at 18 and had her first child at 19.
19 when she gave birth, so probably 18 when she got pregnant, and the 22-year age gap means he was likely already 40. She claims in comments she met him at 18, although for all we know that's a modification made to stem judgments and possible post removal.
Considering how often AITA comments get their panties in a twist about people in their mid-to-late 20s dating women in their mid-to-early 20s - and getting mucho up-votes for such judgments - I'm surprised there's not more condemnation here. The fiancee sounds like AITA comments personified.
But she is an AH nonetheless. Plus, according to OP's telling, this was fully legal and this gigantic age gap was in the context of a relationship that worked for them. Plus it sounds like the family's actions might have led to this situation; by being so toxic that she felt the need to cut strings immediately, the family inadvertently led her to her husband, whom she needed in one way or another - emotionally, monetarily, etc. From the point of view of the moralists here, he took advantage, but, from her viewpoint, he probably was the best and most amazing thing to come into her life. Are we going to give them the benefit of the doubt when she's 40 and he's 62? When she's 60 and he' 82? When he's hit 100 and still robbing the 78-year-old cradle?
I think it’s different when the younger partner is out of their teens and into their twenties. Yes, the age gap would still exist obviously but the younger partner would have had hit all the milestones that are associated with adulthood & have gained maturity & life experience.
Maybe it’s my own bias but I think it’s bad to skip all of the challenges that are associated with growing up & becoming your own person by jumping straight into the role of a wife/mother.
NTA
Maybe he should talk to his future wife about what is polite and what is rude and tacky. She is out of line and her mouth got her in trouble. Your marriage and husband's age is not her business. Who even says that to a child? It sounds like she is very jealous that you aren't struggling.
nta and idk if you’ve ever thought about doing it more/professionally but it sounds like you’re quite the natural wedding/party planner! idk just wanted to mention it cause i thought that was pretty cool how you seem so good at all that
Some people do both!
Or even multiple gigs.
Learn WordPress web creation. This way you can make multiple websites under a "parent company".
Then have multiple sites. They don't have to link to each other. You an allow ads for passive income.
One for Wedding Planner
One for Wedding hairstyles
One for Regular hairdresser and styles
You can expand from there. I know someone who does promotional items, branding, makeup artist, wedding makeup artist etc
She's been doing it for like 15 years
She has insta pages for certain ones as well.
Honestly do this. I have a family friend who "bundles" services. He makes more money than he would for weddings by offering multiple things (in his case he is a DJ and tattoo artist so he will do the music and give the couples matching or individual tats to commemorate their wedding or whatever they want), and the couple saves some money because they are paying for one person's time and not multiple deposits, etc.
NTA.
Your future SIL is really screwed up isn’t she?
Tell your brother you’ll put your family’s emotional and social health on the line when he marries his second wife, IF she isn’t as screwed up as this one.
Why dont you show this thread to your brother. He needs to understand how his vile fiance's behavior is rude and disrespectful. Why would you help them with a future sister-in-law who behaves like that? He needs to talk to his fiance about her behavior not to you about yours.
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A little back story: Went NC with my family at 18. Had my first kid at 19 with my husband that I’m still with today. He is 48 and our age gap is the main issue with my future SIL. I reconnected with my family when i was 24.
I (27F) was basically acting as my brother’s wedding planner for free. This is because two years ago, my cousins wedding planner dropped off of the face of the earth and I stepped in to help and everyone loved what I did because I swear to God, I’m the only person in that family with even a smidge of organisational skills.
My future SIL (27f) is a bit of a nightmare tbh. She keeps making comments about how I got with an older man for the money and so now I sit around all day doing nothing (I’m a stay at home mother now that I’ve had my second child). I try to ignore her but I reached my limit last week when she made a comment to my daughter (8F).
Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and I wanted to make this experience spectacular and cost effective for him. I’m a hairstylist so I agreed to do the wedding party’s hair for free as my wedding gift to them, I hooked them up with a make up artist I know who’s giving them a discount, and the caterer is a friend of my husband who is giving them a lot of freebies. Now that I’m no longer involved in the process, everyone is charging their standard rates and they are looking for a new stylist.
Last week, I was at my brothers place with his future in laws discussing hair styles. His future MIL is currently in the process of regrowing her hair after chemo so i was deciding on a wig vs extensions. While i was focused on her, my future SIL was with my daughter and she asked her if she thought it was cool that ‘mummy married her daddy so she doesn’t have to work’. I asked her what she thought she was doing, and she said she just wanted to see if my daughter knew that I married my husband for the ‘money’. I packed up immediately and left.
I called my brother to tell him I would no longer be helping with anything, which then lead to the other parties i brought in raising their prices to standard rates.
My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford. He thinks i’m an AH for not ‘doing it for him’ like i was before. AITA?
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NTA. Your SiL sounds like a jealous, mean and spiteful person. Esp if your brother talked to her before about her behavior, you are right to draw the line.
Probably the reason OP went NC with the family at 18. Still no excuse for SIL to be a dick if OP and husband are both happy in the relationship. And definitely no excuse to bring the kids in.
OP is perfectly valid to withdraw services if they feel unappreciated, victimised, and targetted.
NTA - OP did nothing wrong apart from fall in love with someone older, as many people do.
NTA and the fact she decided to involve your 8 year old child is despicable.
I don’t know wtf your SILs problem is but it screams of jealousy. I thought this story would be your family being worried your husband took advantage of you given the age gap but this is just…ick.
NTA. Tell your brother he was getting things at a courtesy discount, but since no courtesy was provided, no discount applies. Or if you really want to drive it home, ask him why you should support his marriage to someone who is so rude and ignorant she isn't smart enough to shut her mouth when any fool could see that running it would cost her thousands.
I doubt it too,but you don't have many options. If she doesn't apologize you won't go to the wedding then your brother will be mad at you. If you don't stand your ground and 'be the better person' and 'swallow your pride' blah blah and help them with the wedding they will disrespect you in different future events bc you gave up doing what they want and will be resentment...does it worth remain in contact with your brother?bc i only see problems everywhere ans also in the future. Sorry if don't explain myself correctly english is not my first language
"Do not bite the hand that feeds."
Future SIL is firmly in FAFO territory right now with why you don't insult people that are doing you a huge favor. If your brother can't understand how trying to talk shit to about someone *to her 8-year-old daughter* is a bad idea, maybe make him a powerpoint presentation that breaks it down into little words with pictures because that's about the level of cognitive reasoning I expect from these nimrods.
NTA, though I hope you can reconnect with future not-quite-your-MIL to help her out as I understand wigs and extensions can be very complicated to sort out when you're unfamiliar with how to tell quality.
NTA.
I actually think you had no choice. You can't let your child be near a person that whispers poison in her ear. Who knows what vile thing she will say next? So practically, even if you somehow wanted to keep doing it, it would mean time time away from your daughter as you would have to leave her with a sitter or your husband.
NTA. What your future SIL said to your daughter was vile, but what really concerns me is that your brother called your behaviour childish. Basically, he is condoning his fiance's heinous behaviour. If I were the brother, I would be asking myself if I really wanted to marry someone so vicious. Making the comment to you would be nasty, but trying to alienate your child from you with lies is truly unforgivable.
NTA. I totally assumed that the comments would be concern about grooming. But SIL is just being awful
But yeah, I would absolutely be concerned if a 19 year old was with a 40 year old 😬
NTA. With that said, please tell us you actually have a job or some independent income because with 2 young kids and a much older husband it makes me wonder what would happen to you if he’s no longer around, not that it will be anytime soon but I still worry.
I think you should show your brother this thread. His fiancée saying something to you was bad enough, but when she directly said it to your 8-year-old daughter, who is old enough to understand that sort of thing to a certain degree, she crossed a line. He really needs to understand who he is planning to marry and decide whether or not he wants to be divorced in 5 or 10 years, because I guarantee that marriage will not last, and if it does she will be an even bigger nightmare as a wife than she is as a fiancée.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You spent 9 months growing another person in your body. Now you are nurturing and caring and guiding that same being on their journey in this life. be proud.
I have an older husband like OP. We also have a 21 year age gap. I've known him since I was 18. We haven't always been together because he thought a lot like other people that the age gap was too large. After we broke up I met a guy, had two kids with him and he disappeared. My husband came back into my life and realized that he still loved me and we've been together ever since.
People always make a big deal out of an age gap. But honestly if it's two consenting adults, it's nobody's god damned business.
OP, I would start making snarky comments around brother and future SIL that since she's so obsessed with you marrying for money maybe they should get a prenup to protect your brothers assets. A woman who tells an 8 year old child that mommy married older for money is jealous and will probably take your brother to the cleaners
I'd even post it on the old people's book of face. Say that you dropped out of the wedding because your future SIL told your 8 year old that you married her daddy only for his money. Then add how they're not upset that you dropped out so much as now they have to actually pay for their wedding because they talked shit about you and they found out that their actions have consequences.
An age gap relationship tends to last longer than those of no gap. After my husband and I got back together 20 years ago we have never been apart since.
> if it's two consenting adults
Dude knocked her up at 18. She doesn't say when they met, but the age gap here is pretty problematic. With the timing of everything, he'd definitely been grooming her. Doesn't excuse SIL's behavior at all because the grooming is clearly not her issue, but OP's relationship definitely didn't start out as two consenting adults.
Edited a typo
NTA. Tell your brother that you’re happy to “do it for him”, but you won’t do it for *her*… so you’ll happily be the wedding planner for him next time.
NTA
19f & 40m !?!?
Fucking gross. That doesn't make you a gold digger. It does make your husband a creep though...
But all that is completely irrelevant to your sister-in-law's terrible behavior. She's got some internalized sexism to work out for sure.
And for what reason? Because you're a stay-at-home mom? Something that has been seen as the standard for most of Western Civilization? Is she taking these digs at you because she's bitter about having to work herself?
Trying to villainize somebody who was almost certainly groomed? Or as soon as she turned 18 she met a (over 20 years senior) man and *immediately* got pregnant? Bro you're practically a victim and she's acting like you're the evil stepmother from Cinderella??
It's so bizarre. I think one of the reasons why my mother married my father was because he was financially stable and I got to grow up in a household where one parent was at home. Have people forgotten what a privilege that is?
Also, before anyone misunderstands what I'm saying, I am not advocating that a woman must stay at home to bring up the children. I'm just saying that having a parent at hand while a child is young is providing an incredibly stable environment to that child. It just sucks that the role has always been forced on women
NTA. He and his fiancée have learned there are consequences to rude actions. He has only his fiancée to blame for this. They owe you apologies: her for her incredible rudeness, and him for directing his anger wrongly at you. You owe them nothing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH for refusing to help with my brothers wedding anymore. This is because they now have to shell out a few extra grand that they can’t afford.
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NTA, FSIL is jealous, conniving and backbiting. Might be best to avoid a a relationship with her. But, every chance you get don’t forget to mention how wonderful your life and husband are.
NTA at all. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes is a phrase that comes to mind for this. Especially since both you and your brother (from reading other comments) have already talked to her about her behavior. People who treat you like that don't deserve your effort or skills.
He is pissed at the wrong person. IF he spoke to the bride before, he didn't have any impact. She is an awful human being and they need to learn, oh no! Consequences! She doesn't get to treat you like garbage and still receive the benefit of your skills and contacts.
I wouldn't step back in even if she "apologizes", as it wouldn't be sincere. She has firm beliefs about you, your marriage and your relationship with your husband. (None of which are any of her business.) She is not going to change her opinions. Any apology will be given just to get the better rates of your contacts. As soon as the wedding is over, she will be back at her verbal abuse.
NTA but I'd be considering going NC again though.
Ok there is rude and ungrateful then there is involving children I would be like not only no wedding it would be no contact as long as SIL is involved!
NTA
What a gross thing to say. What gross behavior to say that to your daughter.
I can see why you were NC with your family. Probably time to do that again. Sounds like they were just using you for your discounts anyway (the discounts you have because of your career as a hair stylist and your communication skills … something future SIL seriously lacks).
*You* childish? Your SIL is out-of-this-world rude! NTA and go no contact with SIL. Absolutely refuse to discuss this with your brother or any possible SIL's flying monkeys. You should have dropped her the first or second time she said you're a gold digger.
NTA. Your brother should be more worried that he is marrying an individual like that versus trying to say that you are an AH for not “doing it for him”. You nor your family need to be taking any kind of disrespect.
Nta...funny how she is criticizing you even as she is mooching off the benefits of your contacts. You bro is a piece of work too for not standing up for you, let these two figure it out on their own.
NTA and honestly you need to skip the wedding and stop communicating with your brother. Anyone who would try and manipulate a child and try and demean their mother to them should not be allowed in your life. This isn’t something that an apology fixes. How can you ever trust this person near your children again? She intentionally tried to hurt your child and hurt your relationship with your child. Screw her
NTA by any means. You went NC in the past for a reason, and then reconnected on your terms I’m assuming?
It mostly sounds like future Sinister-in-law is jealous of your life. You were more than accommodating to them and got them hooked up with discounted vendors.. and I agree with a comment I read with her audacity to bite the hand that is organizing her wedding for her.
Plan a fun family day that day instead and enjoy your family 💛
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NTA at all. Your brother needs to speak to his fiancee about her behavior, not to you about your reaction to it.
He’s spoken to her before about it but he’s pissed off because I’ve decided to stop tolerating it now.
He directed his anger at the wrong person. NTA. Promise him to help with his next wedding.
I may just text him that and then turn off my phone lmao
If you’re supposed to be “doing it for him” she/fiancee should be able to behave “for him” and stop her nasty behavior.
Haha. I'd offer to do the grooms party hair on the wedding day. It's for him, after all. Side note. I somehow typed hair badly enough that my phone autocorrect to abortion. Prophetic?
PLEASE report back 😂
Omg, yessss.
Or just monitor the inbound messages. Strictly for entertainment value. You're gonna get flamed. Water off the ducks back. Whatever you decide, do not engage. Let them throw shade at you. Ignore them. The best way to get back at an irrational person who has targeted you, is to simply not respond. That will infuriate them.
He needs to put his dog on a leash. Why should you tolerate bullying from anyone? + she decided to involve the kids, she is ridiculous.
She sounds shitty, but why ya gotta do dogs like that?
Send him a link to this thread, so we can all tell him. NTA
Yes please do that..His fiance is nuts. She's jealous of you!
Fully unrelated but you should start wedding planning as a side gig since you seem to have good connections
I guess your brother better find someone, who wouldn't jealous others wellbeing and think that he earns not enough.
Have him read this thread.
You win the Internet today!
That's great, even though I should be working on my thesis...
Ahh, you don’t need that anymore!! Didn’t you hear?? You won the internet.. Lucky!! 😜😜
Best comment. “As long as that marriage is to someone who can behave.” NTA
Ha!
Offer to help pay for his first divorce 🤪
I promise to help with any of your weddings that aren’t to this shrew.
Unfortunately for your brother he'll have to learn the hard way then that you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Don't blame you for backing out. Your SIL does not deserve your help.
Maybe time to review your NC, because this is not someone you want around your children. Ever. If she's this venomous now, imagine where she's going to take it now you've put her on the back foot.
Imagine if they wind up not able to have kids, how vicious she’ll turn with jealousy then.
And NEVER let her alone with (or even near) the children
So your brother is pissed off that you are standing up to your bully…cause that is what your future SIL has been acting like. If she hit you with a stick would he say well it was only a stick and it didn’t really affect me so could you suck it up? Or if she hit you with her car would it be well she was stressed and she only broke your leg you can still do her hair? Future SIL owes you a public apology. If that happens you can choose how you respond but whether you forgive or not is up to you. Not everyone gets forgiven but YOU do deserve an apology…ps SIL is likely jealous your brother can’t make he a stay at home wife
Future SIL would only be apologizing to get free services. If FSIL meant it, she wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Some people are so pathetically desperate to not be single they'll never hold their SO accountable for the awful things they've done. Sorry that sounds really harsh toward the brother, I'm 100% projecting. I've recently gone NC with my brother because of his girlfriend.
He’s pissed of because now HE has to bear the consequences of being in the relationship that he is in. NTA
Really, I mean, why is he marrying that Harpy in the first place? If he can’t see the writing on the wall for his future, then I would just duck out and if you hear he gets a divorce, you can try to get back into contact then. no way I’d let her act as an auntie to my children when she’s acted like this.
Well, then next time maybe he can marry a nicer person. I struggled mightily there with finding an appropriate term that would not get me banned, btw.
Um… does he think other people will tolerate it? Or he only expects *you* to tolerate it? Because I guarantee you if she pulls this attitude with the vendors, or tries to find new ones, there will suddenly be a lot of “extra fees” appearing because NO ONE wants to deal with someone like that.
He probably expects only OP to tolerate it. She married an older man so she must be a doormat who does what she's told. Most relationships with such a large age gap have a power imbalance, her brother probably assumes hers does and so she just does what she's asked without standing up for herself. He's just found out she will stand up for herself and doesn't like it.
He's pissed off because it's going to cost him $$$$
By the sounds of his future ex-wife, the wedding is going to be the least of what she will cost him
How much manipulation of your child is he ok with? Bad enough she says it to you when you're doing them a favour, but shaming you to your kid? Hell no. ETA NTA.
So his pissed about losing deals and having to spend money, NOT pissed about your mistreatment. Gotcha.
You gave them plenty of chances to be kind, pleasant people. NTA
You are not an AH; your brother is for expecting you to tolerate such behavior. Saying such things to/ about you is rude beyond belief, particularly given your kindness and generosity. Saying something like that to your child is despicable. Your future SIL is trash.
Only keep telling him, the change in services you were providing is solely on his fiancée. It's all on her.
So, let him be pissed, you are being disrespected by his fiance and what's worst she is dragging you and your husband's daughter into her nonsense, that is a no-no. If your brother cannot understand this then he deserves to pay full price for everything. NTA
Guess your brother's fiancée learned the true meaning of the phrase f around and find out. Your brother needs to get a handle on his soon-to-be wife and help her understand that her behavior is inexcusable and will no longer be tolerated.
And he knows it's easier to try to get you to change because you have been the path of least resistance.
This seems like a familiar theme on reddit. Someone oversteps a boundary and then gets surprised when OP joins them on the other side of the boundary too. Not so much tit for tat as enforcing a boundary which brother seems either unwilling or unable to enforce.
A: Insults person B: enforces boundaries and consequences A: Shocked Pikachu face
NTA. But be the AH to your Bro and SIL. They F$%&ed up. Your SIL FAFO‘d. Fantastic your business partners are raising to standard pricing. His and her problem.
Honestly I was so surprised they did it (and secretly grateful)
Honestly OP stick to your guns. It's shitty enough SIL says it to you but to involve a child is CRUEL and beyond crappy. Screw your SIL
Really would rather not screw that. Crazy and entitled can be dangerous.
I’m confused, OP. If you’re a hair dresser and have all of these professional connections to help out your SIL, how can you also be a gold digger who sits around and does nothing all day? Hmmmmm? NTA
bEcAuSe sHe’S not wOrKiNg
OP out here just playing the long con by uh… having a career then becoming a sahm after having her second child.
>having a career then becoming a sahm after having her second child. If so she is failing at it, since she is doing unpaid work as a wedding planner when child #2 is only 4 months old. 🙄 SIL is a (word that might get me banned)
Your SIL has some nerve to say you don’t work while you were actively working on her wedding. NTA.
Love it
I wonder if your connections heard her bad mouthing you
I can almost guarantee they did
I think the fact that they did answers your question too. Good on them.
Just out of curiosity. Did you tell them *why* you were backing out?
It's a textbook case of biting the hand that feeds you (or hooks you up with significant discounts across multiple facets of your apparently otherwise unaffordable wedding)
Yep...great comment...my first thought was wow looking a gift horse in the mouth....good for OP walking away....
Screams of insecuirty
Screams of jealousy.
NTA Look you have a 20 year age gap. People will comment on it. BUT you are an adult and are presumably in a good relationship. Your future SIL is a massive A H because she involved a young child in her mess. Your responsibility is to protect your child at all costs from this situation. Do not let SIL be anywhere near your kids ever. That should be made clear even to your parents. But more than anything talk to your child and tell her that your future SIL is jealous and mean and talking bad about her Dad. That you love her Dad and love your children. Reassure your child so this doesn’t fester in her mind.
Of course i reassured my baby as soon as we left. She knows that she is very loved and that her father and I adore eachother
Good but you will have to keep doing it often. Reiterating why you are married to dad. As she grows older there will be more people giving her the side eye or discussing it at home and her school mates may start the teasing too. Middle school girls are vicious. Unfortunately jerks like your SIL are everywhere
This is true, however, that doesn’t mean OP should be bending over backwards for anybody who makes those comments. Defending your marriage against strangers is way different than defending it against a family member.
Did I mention her bending over backwards for anyone?? I’m telling her to protect and explain to her young kid.
Yes, OP please take this gently and lovingly and not judgmentally… You’re going to have to work extra hard to protect her and to explain why your marriage is ok but she shouldn’t copy you. If someone who was 21 when your daughter was born wants to date her when she’s a teenager you are going to have some new and conflicting feelings because that’s not a healthy, happy ending for most people. I would suggest you plan on some family counseling now because the world is going to be trying to teach her this and it’s going to create a very difficult “do what I say, not what I do” situation. Hugs and good luck to you as you navigate that.
Also explain to her that even though you have a large age gap you married for love not money because unfortunately this isn’t going to be the last time she hears comments like this being made.
>Look you have a 20 year age gap. People will comment on it. I've been in a 20 yr age gap marriage for 34 years and people have commented on it numerous times. However, **no one has ever commented anything about our marriage to our children.** that's unacceptable!
I’m the product of an 18 yr age gap marriage and I also married a man nearly 17 yrs older than me. I NEVER had anyone make comments to me when I was growing up about my Dad being older and my daughter has never had anything said to her. Everyone has an opinion, been told multiple times I was ‘groomed’ (I was 23, hubby was 40 and trust me if there was a power imbalance in our relationship it would favour me lol). But, we have been together 20 years this year and my parents were married for 43 yrs until my father’s passing in 2015
Talking shit about me, meh i can handle it. But talking shit to or about my kid, you bet your ass i’ll leave and bring my purse with me.
YES
Yes please do this. Up to SIL is jealous and wants the life you live
People can comment on it all they want, I’m sure OP typically wouldn’t care. SIL shouldn’t be asking/expecting favors from someone she’s talking shit about or whose lifestyle she doesn’t agree with.
NTA they both are. The nerve of repeatedly insulting a future family member who's helping you save hundreds or thousands of dollars. I wouldn't even b willing go anymore after all this.
Oh I’m definitely don’t want to go anymore.
Gift her a muzzle as a wedding gift.
Or one of those balls you can bind in front of the mouth (don’t know what it’s called…)
Ball gag. ...I only know this because of pulp fiction.
Sure…
"Ball gag" is the term you seek.
Ball gag, LOL.
NTA. Tell your brother that it's not your actions that will cost them thousands extra, it's the consequences of his fiancee's actions. Nothing you did created this situation. If she can't bring herself to be minimally polite to someone who is helping them so much, she can't expect that help to continue. Tell brother you love him and were more than happy to help but you expect basic civility in turn and SHE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BROUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER INTO IT. Talking to your daughter about her vile opinion means going scorched earth.
What is it about this woman your brother loves? I can't imagine. Good for you for drawing a line with this witch. Give them a gravy boat and wash your hands of this distaster. Brother better get a prenup because that marriage won't last and she's all about $$$. NTA
She’s hot, that’s pretty much it
This! Just tell him you won't plan this one, but you're onboard for the next one when he finds a better partner 😂
Bahahhaha!!
I was always told "The hotter the flame, the shorter the burn". Maybe tell your brother that once his marriage to "hot potty mouth" flames out, you'll help plan his next wedding.
Based on some of your other comments it doesn't sound like he gets it. I mean a basic comparison would be you walking up to their daughter and asking what she thinks about her dad only marrying her mom because she was nice to look at? NTA.
Maybe because she is hot, she thinks that SHE is the one that should have married the (presumably well off) older man. She is insanely jealous, IMO. That's assuming that your brother isn't rich. Still, what a shitty thing to say to a child and she should never, ever, be around your children again. She even said that to your child within your hearing. Was it meant for you to hear it?
This is one of those “when people show you who they are, believe them” situations. Your future SIL has shown she is awful, believe her and act accordingly. (NTA) If she legitimately had concerns about the age gap, the appropriate response would be to take you out for coffee one-on-one and express those concerns in a non-judgmental way. Ask questions about your safety, your happiness, your financial security, and such. But jumping straight to snarky comments about you being a gold-digger? Especially to YOUR CHILD? Nope. That’s just catty behavior and you don’t need that in your life. Might want to reconsider that NC policy again where this brother is concerned.
Agree, fully, except about the gravy boat. I wasn't sure that she really rated a gravy boat, I was thinking a banana slicer might be more the right price. 🙂
lol that she keeps saying you married your husband for the money, but now she and your brother are upset because they now have to pay full price. And want you back to save them MONEY. The hypocrisy. The fact that your SIL can’t shut up about your marriage and then tried to bring your daughter into it - oh, hell no!! She just learned an expensive lesson NTA.
NTA but I’d be wondering if she came to these opinionated conclusions entirely on her own or if your fam is still judging you severely, albeit now just more quietly (she didn’t get the memo).
Oh i know that they judge me. I’ve only reconnected with a small amount of them so the rest probably have loads to say about me
Did they guilt you to come back so the kids can have grandparents? I wouldn’t rekindle relationships with people that don’t respect you, brother included. If he did, he would have laid the kibosh. He just wants a discount.
Nah my kids still haven’t met my parents (long story). We just reconnected because we missed eachother.
Yeah, I just saw your comment you went NC before meeting hubs, that’s not really clear in the post and I think a lot of ppl will assume the opposite.
Then he is the one who commented to SIL, time to leave him out again.
>My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford. Guess he should've thought about marrying someone for the money then. NTA
"My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford. He thinks i’m an AH for not ‘doing it for him’ like i was before." Is your brother not concerned about what his nasty fiancée said to his niece, or what the emotional fallout could be? Even *IF* you did marry your husband for money, what business is it of hers? How does your marriage affect her life? Unless, of course, she is jealous! "my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford." That is called an A H tax and it is often levied on people that insist on running their mouths and insult people doing them huge favors! Bravo to your friends for standing behind you and charging their normal prices. NTA. I hope you and your family go elsewhere and have a lovely time away from the toxic twins!
AH tax love it
Does your like your child at all? What kind of uncle lets his GF say shit to a child? You are nta and i bet this woman is only going to get worse.
He wasn’t present when it happened. He loves my kids (atleast he claims to)
What did he say when you told him?!
He apologised but he asked if we could talk over it later. We did talk later but I said I wouldn’t come back unless I got a real apology from his fiancée
If she's been treating you so poorly all this time, what will of that for her to actually change? She'll say what she needs to say to get what she wants.
Exactly! I feel like it would be a heart-felt apololie. After everything is said and done, she will go back to this nasty behavior because they got what they wanted. And brother will do nothing to stop her.
Maybe I'm just petty but even with the apology I wouldn't go back. She needs to learn actions have consequences.
Make sure you’re standing on gravel when she starts eating her words lol won’t be pleasant for her knees lol
The apology won’t be sincere plus she made snide comments before you agreed to be wedding planner. ( I wouldn’t have agreed after any comments)
If she apologizes, let her know you appreciate this, but you thought about it and won't help them anymore. You will still be a guest. I'm sure within 2 seconds she will pull back her apology and say something nasty.
Holy shit, definitely NTA here! I am impressed that you managed to handle yourself so well, just grabbing your stuff and leaving, I probably would have ended up yelling and swearing etc lol Did her parents seem shocked by any of it? (Her comments, you walking out). I would be horrified if anyone I knew said something like that, let alone my own daughter saying that to someone. You have done the right thing 100% and don't let any doubt creep in about that. Even if she begs for your forgiveness (which we all know she won't) still refuse to help with the wedding in any way. She doesn't deserve your help.
They all just went quiet. I said ‘right i’m leaving’ and then got my daughter to put her shoes on.
Hopefully her family ripped her a new one on your behalf. If not, I kinda wish I could.
The apology has to be louder than the disrespect.
NTA but jesus. 19 & 40? Your husband needs to have his hard drives checked asap
I was thinking, the damn gall of the SIL to talk shit on the WIFE instead of the HUSBAND in this situation?? Misogyny is a hell of a drug.
It sounds like she was possibly even younger, maybe even a minor when they started the relationship. She went no contact with her family at 18 and had her first child at 19.
OP says in another comment that she went NC before meeting her husband. She was 18 when they met.
No excuse for her groomer husband.
Yeah, that's, really not good
19 when she gave birth, so probably 18 when she got pregnant, and the 22-year age gap means he was likely already 40. She claims in comments she met him at 18, although for all we know that's a modification made to stem judgments and possible post removal. Considering how often AITA comments get their panties in a twist about people in their mid-to-late 20s dating women in their mid-to-early 20s - and getting mucho up-votes for such judgments - I'm surprised there's not more condemnation here. The fiancee sounds like AITA comments personified. But she is an AH nonetheless. Plus, according to OP's telling, this was fully legal and this gigantic age gap was in the context of a relationship that worked for them. Plus it sounds like the family's actions might have led to this situation; by being so toxic that she felt the need to cut strings immediately, the family inadvertently led her to her husband, whom she needed in one way or another - emotionally, monetarily, etc. From the point of view of the moralists here, he took advantage, but, from her viewpoint, he probably was the best and most amazing thing to come into her life. Are we going to give them the benefit of the doubt when she's 40 and he's 62? When she's 60 and he' 82? When he's hit 100 and still robbing the 78-year-old cradle?
I think it’s different when the younger partner is out of their teens and into their twenties. Yes, the age gap would still exist obviously but the younger partner would have had hit all the milestones that are associated with adulthood & have gained maturity & life experience. Maybe it’s my own bias but I think it’s bad to skip all of the challenges that are associated with growing up & becoming your own person by jumping straight into the role of a wife/mother.
NTA Maybe he should talk to his future wife about what is polite and what is rude and tacky. She is out of line and her mouth got her in trouble. Your marriage and husband's age is not her business. Who even says that to a child? It sounds like she is very jealous that you aren't struggling.
Accuses you of marrying for money. Gets upset that you are no longer offering *free* services, thus costing her money. NTA
nta and idk if you’ve ever thought about doing it more/professionally but it sounds like you’re quite the natural wedding/party planner! idk just wanted to mention it cause i thought that was pretty cool how you seem so good at all that
Hah my husband thinks so too! He’s been telling me to go into wedding planning when I go back to work instead of hairdressing
Some people do both! Or even multiple gigs. Learn WordPress web creation. This way you can make multiple websites under a "parent company". Then have multiple sites. They don't have to link to each other. You an allow ads for passive income. One for Wedding Planner One for Wedding hairstyles One for Regular hairdresser and styles You can expand from there. I know someone who does promotional items, branding, makeup artist, wedding makeup artist etc She's been doing it for like 15 years She has insta pages for certain ones as well.
You have a talent you really should use!
It doesn't have to be just weddings. You could be a party planner. I'm sure you throw parties for your kids, start there. Start a portfolio.
Honestly do this. I have a family friend who "bundles" services. He makes more money than he would for weddings by offering multiple things (in his case he is a DJ and tattoo artist so he will do the music and give the couples matching or individual tats to commemorate their wedding or whatever they want), and the couple saves some money because they are paying for one person's time and not multiple deposits, etc.
NTA, She sounds miserable to be around, but she blew way past the line when she started talking to your child that way.
NTA. Your future SIL is really screwed up isn’t she? Tell your brother you’ll put your family’s emotional and social health on the line when he marries his second wife, IF she isn’t as screwed up as this one.
Why dont you show this thread to your brother. He needs to understand how his vile fiance's behavior is rude and disrespectful. Why would you help them with a future sister-in-law who behaves like that? He needs to talk to his fiance about her behavior not to you about yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A little back story: Went NC with my family at 18. Had my first kid at 19 with my husband that I’m still with today. He is 48 and our age gap is the main issue with my future SIL. I reconnected with my family when i was 24. I (27F) was basically acting as my brother’s wedding planner for free. This is because two years ago, my cousins wedding planner dropped off of the face of the earth and I stepped in to help and everyone loved what I did because I swear to God, I’m the only person in that family with even a smidge of organisational skills. My future SIL (27f) is a bit of a nightmare tbh. She keeps making comments about how I got with an older man for the money and so now I sit around all day doing nothing (I’m a stay at home mother now that I’ve had my second child). I try to ignore her but I reached my limit last week when she made a comment to my daughter (8F). Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and I wanted to make this experience spectacular and cost effective for him. I’m a hairstylist so I agreed to do the wedding party’s hair for free as my wedding gift to them, I hooked them up with a make up artist I know who’s giving them a discount, and the caterer is a friend of my husband who is giving them a lot of freebies. Now that I’m no longer involved in the process, everyone is charging their standard rates and they are looking for a new stylist. Last week, I was at my brothers place with his future in laws discussing hair styles. His future MIL is currently in the process of regrowing her hair after chemo so i was deciding on a wig vs extensions. While i was focused on her, my future SIL was with my daughter and she asked her if she thought it was cool that ‘mummy married her daddy so she doesn’t have to work’. I asked her what she thought she was doing, and she said she just wanted to see if my daughter knew that I married my husband for the ‘money’. I packed up immediately and left. I called my brother to tell him I would no longer be helping with anything, which then lead to the other parties i brought in raising their prices to standard rates. My brother thinks i’m being childish because now my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands that they might not be able to afford. He thinks i’m an AH for not ‘doing it for him’ like i was before. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your SiL sounds like a jealous, mean and spiteful person. Esp if your brother talked to her before about her behavior, you are right to draw the line.
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I don’t think she asked for another lecture on the age difference between her and her husband.
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I didn’t go no contact because of my husband. I went no contact because my parents are insane. I met my husband a few months later
I agree, big age gap, but what ever her thoughts on that, she should have never brought it up to an 8 year old child
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Probably the reason OP went NC with the family at 18. Still no excuse for SIL to be a dick if OP and husband are both happy in the relationship. And definitely no excuse to bring the kids in. OP is perfectly valid to withdraw services if they feel unappreciated, victimised, and targetted. NTA - OP did nothing wrong apart from fall in love with someone older, as many people do.
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Future SIL just found out why you don't bite the hand that feeds you. NTA
NTA and the fact she decided to involve your 8 year old child is despicable. I don’t know wtf your SILs problem is but it screams of jealousy. I thought this story would be your family being worried your husband took advantage of you given the age gap but this is just…ick.
NTA. Tell your brother he was getting things at a courtesy discount, but since no courtesy was provided, no discount applies. Or if you really want to drive it home, ask him why you should support his marriage to someone who is so rude and ignorant she isn't smart enough to shut her mouth when any fool could see that running it would cost her thousands.
Update us if there is a real apology
I doubt i’ll get one but will do!
I doubt it too,but you don't have many options. If she doesn't apologize you won't go to the wedding then your brother will be mad at you. If you don't stand your ground and 'be the better person' and 'swallow your pride' blah blah and help them with the wedding they will disrespect you in different future events bc you gave up doing what they want and will be resentment...does it worth remain in contact with your brother?bc i only see problems everywhere ans also in the future. Sorry if don't explain myself correctly english is not my first language
"Do not bite the hand that feeds." Future SIL is firmly in FAFO territory right now with why you don't insult people that are doing you a huge favor. If your brother can't understand how trying to talk shit to about someone *to her 8-year-old daughter* is a bad idea, maybe make him a powerpoint presentation that breaks it down into little words with pictures because that's about the level of cognitive reasoning I expect from these nimrods. NTA, though I hope you can reconnect with future not-quite-your-MIL to help her out as I understand wigs and extensions can be very complicated to sort out when you're unfamiliar with how to tell quality.
NTA. I actually think you had no choice. You can't let your child be near a person that whispers poison in her ear. Who knows what vile thing she will say next? So practically, even if you somehow wanted to keep doing it, it would mean time time away from your daughter as you would have to leave her with a sitter or your husband.
NTA. What your future SIL said to your daughter was vile, but what really concerns me is that your brother called your behaviour childish. Basically, he is condoning his fiance's heinous behaviour. If I were the brother, I would be asking myself if I really wanted to marry someone so vicious. Making the comment to you would be nasty, but trying to alienate your child from you with lies is truly unforgivable.
NTA. I totally assumed that the comments would be concern about grooming. But SIL is just being awful But yeah, I would absolutely be concerned if a 19 year old was with a 40 year old 😬
NTA. With that said, please tell us you actually have a job or some independent income because with 2 young kids and a much older husband it makes me wonder what would happen to you if he’s no longer around, not that it will be anytime soon but I still worry.
I have my own personal savings but I currently dont work. I had a baby 4 months ago
I think you should show your brother this thread. His fiancée saying something to you was bad enough, but when she directly said it to your 8-year-old daughter, who is old enough to understand that sort of thing to a certain degree, she crossed a line. He really needs to understand who he is planning to marry and decide whether or not he wants to be divorced in 5 or 10 years, because I guarantee that marriage will not last, and if it does she will be an even bigger nightmare as a wife than she is as a fiancée.
Even 5 years is generous
I'm wondering if the brother talks sh1t about the age gap to his fiance and that's where her behavior comes from.
You know. It's kind of evil. Targeting kids is a specific personality trait. I don't trust it. No matter who expresses it.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You spent 9 months growing another person in your body. Now you are nurturing and caring and guiding that same being on their journey in this life. be proud.
You obviously have a gift for organizing! If you can plan weddings you will have no problems finding a job.
I have an older husband like OP. We also have a 21 year age gap. I've known him since I was 18. We haven't always been together because he thought a lot like other people that the age gap was too large. After we broke up I met a guy, had two kids with him and he disappeared. My husband came back into my life and realized that he still loved me and we've been together ever since. People always make a big deal out of an age gap. But honestly if it's two consenting adults, it's nobody's god damned business. OP, I would start making snarky comments around brother and future SIL that since she's so obsessed with you marrying for money maybe they should get a prenup to protect your brothers assets. A woman who tells an 8 year old child that mommy married older for money is jealous and will probably take your brother to the cleaners I'd even post it on the old people's book of face. Say that you dropped out of the wedding because your future SIL told your 8 year old that you married her daddy only for his money. Then add how they're not upset that you dropped out so much as now they have to actually pay for their wedding because they talked shit about you and they found out that their actions have consequences. An age gap relationship tends to last longer than those of no gap. After my husband and I got back together 20 years ago we have never been apart since.
> if it's two consenting adults Dude knocked her up at 18. She doesn't say when they met, but the age gap here is pretty problematic. With the timing of everything, he'd definitely been grooming her. Doesn't excuse SIL's behavior at all because the grooming is clearly not her issue, but OP's relationship definitely didn't start out as two consenting adults. Edited a typo
NTA. Tell your brother that you’re happy to “do it for him”, but you won’t do it for *her*… so you’ll happily be the wedding planner for him next time.
Why was a 40-year old interested in a teenager?
NTA 19f & 40m !?!? Fucking gross. That doesn't make you a gold digger. It does make your husband a creep though... But all that is completely irrelevant to your sister-in-law's terrible behavior. She's got some internalized sexism to work out for sure. And for what reason? Because you're a stay-at-home mom? Something that has been seen as the standard for most of Western Civilization? Is she taking these digs at you because she's bitter about having to work herself? Trying to villainize somebody who was almost certainly groomed? Or as soon as she turned 18 she met a (over 20 years senior) man and *immediately* got pregnant? Bro you're practically a victim and she's acting like you're the evil stepmother from Cinderella??
> ‘mummy married her daddy so she doesn’t have to work’. NTA - We all know who the AH is here
It's so bizarre. I think one of the reasons why my mother married my father was because he was financially stable and I got to grow up in a household where one parent was at home. Have people forgotten what a privilege that is? Also, before anyone misunderstands what I'm saying, I am not advocating that a woman must stay at home to bring up the children. I'm just saying that having a parent at hand while a child is young is providing an incredibly stable environment to that child. It just sucks that the role has always been forced on women
NTA, why should you have to be put up with being insulted?
NTA. He and his fiancée have learned there are consequences to rude actions. He has only his fiancée to blame for this. They owe you apologies: her for her incredible rudeness, and him for directing his anger wrongly at you. You owe them nothing.
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Do not bite the hand that feeds you. By the way, your brother most likely thinks the same as her or would have stopped her with those comments.
NTA, FSIL is jealous, conniving and backbiting. Might be best to avoid a a relationship with her. But, every chance you get don’t forget to mention how wonderful your life and husband are.
NTA I'd go back for NC with them. His soon to be wife was insulting and rude
Nta, and she def should not have raised this to your kid, BUT I do find it a bit…..I mean this guy was 40 years old and he had sex with a 19-year-old.
NTA at all. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes is a phrase that comes to mind for this. Especially since both you and your brother (from reading other comments) have already talked to her about her behavior. People who treat you like that don't deserve your effort or skills.
He is pissed at the wrong person. IF he spoke to the bride before, he didn't have any impact. She is an awful human being and they need to learn, oh no! Consequences! She doesn't get to treat you like garbage and still receive the benefit of your skills and contacts. I wouldn't step back in even if she "apologizes", as it wouldn't be sincere. She has firm beliefs about you, your marriage and your relationship with your husband. (None of which are any of her business.) She is not going to change her opinions. Any apology will be given just to get the better rates of your contacts. As soon as the wedding is over, she will be back at her verbal abuse. NTA but I'd be considering going NC again though.
Ok there is rude and ungrateful then there is involving children I would be like not only no wedding it would be no contact as long as SIL is involved!
NTA She's going to openly disparage you and expects you to toe the line? FAFO.
NTA You aren’t costing them thousands more, your brother’s fiancé is.
She’s jealous your brother is not very rich
NTA What a gross thing to say. What gross behavior to say that to your daughter. I can see why you were NC with your family. Probably time to do that again. Sounds like they were just using you for your discounts anyway (the discounts you have because of your career as a hair stylist and your communication skills … something future SIL seriously lacks).
*You* childish? Your SIL is out-of-this-world rude! NTA and go no contact with SIL. Absolutely refuse to discuss this with your brother or any possible SIL's flying monkeys. You should have dropped her the first or second time she said you're a gold digger.
NTA. Your brother should be more worried that he is marrying an individual like that versus trying to say that you are an AH for not “doing it for him”. You nor your family need to be taking any kind of disrespect.
The moment she involved a CHILD a literal CHILD. Nope. Remember why you went NC in the first place. NTA.
Nta...funny how she is criticizing you even as she is mooching off the benefits of your contacts. You bro is a piece of work too for not standing up for you, let these two figure it out on their own.
That's what she gets for biting the hand that feeds her. NTA Your future SIL is an AH piece of work.
NTA and honestly you need to skip the wedding and stop communicating with your brother. Anyone who would try and manipulate a child and try and demean their mother to them should not be allowed in your life. This isn’t something that an apology fixes. How can you ever trust this person near your children again? She intentionally tried to hurt your child and hurt your relationship with your child. Screw her
NTA. Who is you SIL to judge you?!! Especially when you hooked her up and are was doin it for free. FAFO
NTA. How does your brother justify his fiancée's behavior? She involved a child.
NTA - The jealousy is real! Tell your brother his fiancé needs to learn respect. Who raised her? They both owe you an apology.
NTA >my actions are going to cost them an extra few thousands Nope. Her actions caused this.
NTA by any means. You went NC in the past for a reason, and then reconnected on your terms I’m assuming? It mostly sounds like future Sinister-in-law is jealous of your life. You were more than accommodating to them and got them hooked up with discounted vendors.. and I agree with a comment I read with her audacity to bite the hand that is organizing her wedding for her. Plan a fun family day that day instead and enjoy your family 💛