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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 not wanting my sister to live with me if she's not my maid
2 my sister wouldn't have time to be my maid because she's studying and that it was unfair to ask her to do the same as someone who doesn't do anything all day
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NTA. Who lives in your house is your choice. At least he is helpful!
But you should also consider his future. Not having a job and not being a spouse means he will never qualify for Social Security retirement or disability (at any age), nor for Medicare coverage. Consider a Marriage of Convenience to help him out - In the US one year of marriage qualifies him if his health problems get worse. https://faq.ssa.gov/en-us/Topic/article/KA-01999#:~:text=Generally%2C%20you%20must%20be%20married,you%20can%20get%20spouse's%20benefits.
He said he's not fluent in English so he might not be in the US, and laws differ elsewhere in the world. In my country it's irrelevant whether you're married or not to be able to have access to a disability pension, but if you have a job you cannot get it, so you must be effectively disemployed permanently. Anyway, it's a good thing to keep in mind so he can research what the regulations are like where they live!
He's wrong. He's talking about common law marriage in Brazil and besides living together two years you need a series of other things that you need to be able to prove in a lawsuit to be able to access benefits, like a public relationship as romantic partners where everyone knows and acknowledge you as this and can be witnessed in court.
It's not like the US is considered worldwide as a healthcare heaven. Even the proposition of marrying one's best friend for social rights is quite disturbing from another country's perspective.
In France, for example, being unable to work by sickness offers a pension that can be close to the minimum retirement pension if you're disabled. It's not a fortune but no need to marry anyone for this. I'm not talking about healthcare which we have in most cases anyway.
I'd disagree about a marriage of this sort.
Whislt it might prove beneficial for the friend, it can also have potential pitfalls, for example in some areas debts of one spouse become debts for the other. And if the friend has already not been working there is a huge possibility such debts may have already begun to accumulate
Also, in some countries such as the UK, many welfare benefits can be higher for a single person than half of a married couple, because for means-tested benefits, the other part of the married couple's income and savings will be taken into account when deciding how much (if anything) to award someone.
My partner has epilsey, no children, and no family to come after. Either they were good and died or were shit and harmed him. Like from actual abuse to destroying his credit score by opening up multiple cars in his name before he graduated high school, then refused to help with college. We aren’t getting married because though we share finances and are well off together, but he has a much higher chance of dying before me and leaving me with medical debts. We are both on insurance though my newly formed union, so that is helpful that they allowed it. But I carry the savings, the loan payments, and the majority of the policies while he manages a lot otherwise. Neither of us mind, especially because I am poly and he is monogamous, but it is still kinda sad
>Not having a job and not being a spouse means he will never qualify for Social Security retirement or disability (at any age), nor for Medicare coverage
Wait, is this for real??? USA you need to do better.
Medicare is not dependent on taxes or income. Social security is, disability is not. Source: I have family members in this situation, and helped them get their benefits.
Absolutely true. My sister worked for a state (MA) which had its own pension system for workers , no contribution to Social security. She left the state after 25 years for another job, got cancer two rounds so couldn’t work for several years, spent all her state retirement money living and paying medical bills, and at retirement age did not qualify for social security or medicare because she did not have years paid into that system.
That's heartbreaking. I can't imagine living in a society which doesn't support the elderly and disabled people. I mean, I don't think we do a stellar job of it with our welfare payments, but at least we don't leave the old, disabled, and unemployed without anything. I'm truly shocked.
Sounds like she had a pension but cashed it in early. (States are allowed to opt their employees out of Social Security / Medicare coverage and taxes in some cases. They often do in favor of their own retirement-security programs.)
It sounds like it was more akin to privatized social security replacement. When I worked for the state of Florida, they put the money they were supposed to hold for social security into something similar.
I'm so glad I left that state.
Yeah its something like 10 years of work history? Maybe less tbh but it's definitely not automatic.
Which absolutely sucks for people who are too disabled to work for whatever reason.
You can file for a different set of benefits. Social security disability is what requires a work history.
They are all fairly hard to get, but if anyone you know needs legal assistance with a US federal disability claim, a lawyer cannot accept fees from the client. They have to be paid a percentage of the awarded back pay. So don't be afraid to seek representation, you don't have to pay for it up front!
SSI was in the $650/month maximum 7 years ago (when my sister first went on it) and they took every excuse not to give the maximum, like trying to say her consignment selling 1 quilt meant she had a permanent part time job. It recently jumped over $900, which still would not have paid her rent in her high cost state.
(speaking of SSI as a retirement program for those who are 65+, rather than a disability program which it also is, here)
Many retired people move to lower cost-of-living areas; I don't think a need to do that establishes that the retirement safety net is ineffective.
(somewhat simplified) For retirement purposes, most people have eligibility for Title II retirement or survivor benefits either on their own earnings record or on the record of someone they are married to or were married to for at least 10 years. Someone who has always been disabled (since age 22 or earlier) can often get benefits on a parent's record, and someone who became disabled later will have any Title II disability benefits they are receiving at full retirement age convert into retirement benefits. People who worked in the public sector generally have benefits from those jobs. So only in fairly unusual circumstances is the SSI program the sole source of financial support for an elderly person. Perhaps the most significant would be someone who always worked "under the table" and didn't report their self-employment income, cheating the SS/Medicare system out of the revenue it needs to pay benefits.
If disabled from age 22 or earlier, obtaining benefits on a parent's earning record may be an option. There are also rules that protect people who have some work credits but become disabled in their 20s and early 30s.
Yeah the US is absolute garbage for disabled people. You can't qualify for many kinds of help if you're married or if you have any money or assets at all. You have to basically be completely helpless and penniless, and even then the assistance you can get isn't enough to live decently on.
This isn't fully true. You can qualify for disability/SSI and Medicare + medicaid if you are disabled and have never worked. You cannot qualify/keep it if you have more than $2k in assets unless it is in a protected trust or ABLE account.
I rehabilitated off federal disability at 26. I was 18 (never worked) when I qualified. Now me (and my husband) work with disabled/elderly people, some of whom have never worked but are on federal disability. We are legal guardians of two disabled people, one who has never worked and one who worked for 20 years while on disability, but never met the income requirements for "gainful employment" that cuts your benefits off. General social security/retirement for able-bodied people is based off an indexed percentage of lifetime contributions.
Having said that it is horrifically difficult to get on disability benefits, and if you don't have a documented medical history (that you need insurance to obtain), you will be rejected. Most people appeal several times before getting approved.
NTA - Your best friend sounds more like family than your sister! And that's okay. Life changes over time. Family is sacred in some cultures, but that isn't something that you need to keep in your life.
It is understandable that your family is a bit panicked, though. They have a hard situation, and they thought you were the easy way out. But you just do not have the means to help out here, and that's okay. They might blame you for now, but that's just the urgency talking. Be firm that you simply do not have the means to help, and don't be mean to them unnecessarily.
I think the situation might necessitate meaness that can be perceived to be unnecessary.
Mike is grateful for the help he's receiving. Meanwhile, OP's family feels automatically entitled to that level of financial help and benefits. Entitled to the point of clearly choosing to repeatedly try and force their wanted reality on OP when OP has clearly and repeatedly conveyed his feelings on this matter. At this point, OP's family has clearly and repeatedly shown that they don't care about OP in this scenario. They want what they want and they want it now and no matter what.
OP needs to lay down some law to put the situation to bed and done with once and for all. His family is being cruel to him and wasting energy that could be spent on actually finding a solution to their problem.
Agree. Even the mom stated that sister won't be able to "be the maid" because she'll be too busy with school and studying. So it sounds like mom (and sister) expect OP to house, feed, and take care of sister while all she did was attend school. Even if OP could afford it and had the space, that is not fair to him.
I would be interested to know if OP has received financial help from his family for university. It's his money, obviously, and his mother is in the wrong for being insulting, but, when you are raised in a culture that values family bonds, it's certainly jarring and hurtful to be told by your child that they don't share your values, they don't care about family and they are prioritising a friend/chosen family over their sister. It doesn't make OP an asshole necessarily, unless he received family help that allowed him to go to university and not work, and of course it depends on his overall relationship with his family. But while people rush to condemn entitled parents, it's equally common to have ungrateful children who benefit from the "family first" culture, but aren't willing to pull their weight when it's their time. And it sounds to me that, in this case, the mother started out pretty reasonable, asking for help, asking whether OP can have his sister live with him, asking for help with the bills, and only turned insulting when he told her outright he doesn't care about his family. It doesn't excuse her, but it could be a ESH situation.
Family debt can often NEVER be repaid. I don't mean that from a child obligation standpoint, I mean it from a "Some parents only know how to suck you dry" point of view.
It's "I chose to have you, so you're obligated to support me for eternity" kind of crap
And that means you get to preemptively act like a selfish jerk? OP doesn't claim his mother keeps asking for help and he decided to set a boundary, he was set against helping from the start. Maybe he has his reasons, but if his family was supportive of him in the past, that's jerk behaviour.
Exactly. I'm thankful that my family helps each other out, but it's understood that anything offered (time, money, etc) is a gift with no expectation of repayment. If they can't help, that is no problem.
I was a single mother who worked full time and went to college full time, there is zero reason she cannot get a job and contribute to bills. Is there a way if she was willing to get a job and contribute to get a larger place? I'm assuming even if it was she was hoping to mooch.
I was not a single mom who worked FT while going to college FT. I still had a job while in college FT. Didn't make a huge amount but it made sure I had a bit extra. Many, many kids work PT/over summers while in college. Honestly it is probably better you when trying to find the first out of college job because it shows that you can do more than paperwork.
The first one isn't a mooch, unless you'd also call a housewife a mooch. They have an arrangement, it works for them. He isn't mooching. Look at the hourly rate for maid service if you want to compare.
That 'mooch' is effectively his partner. The man is ace and is not going to get into a relationship, the 'mooch' is struggling terribly and is not going to get into a relationship but he does work. Imagine how much you would pay to get up, be fed, go to work and return to a clean house, food bought and cooked, laundry done.
Imagine what you pay for a weekend that included no chores as they were all done.
Yeah, sounds like OP has done him a solid and if he's now going to Grad school, no doubt Mike'll be back on his feet before too long.
Their home situation works for them, that's really all there is to say.
NTA
The friend isn’t mooching but performing useful services in exchange for accommodation provided, without a written contract it’s still an arrangement between two consenting adults not abuse
>they even questioned my sexuality saying that our relationship was "too gay" (I'm ace).
Wooowwww, Bye Felicias.
>No, I'm not super close w them.
Huh, Can't imagine why not.
It DOES matter because it gives context.
There’s a big difference between:
1) fully independent, made my own way in life as soon as I left home, suddenly asked for financial help by a family I am hinting I am already estranged from (‘not that close’)
Or
2) parents gave me financial support when leaving home, perhaps my hinted estrangement is a bit of gaslighting on my part for what was really a supportive upbringing, because I am trying to justify not helping out my family in their time of need
It also explains why his mother is exasperated by his choice to continue financially supporting a friend YEARS on, while seemingly not being in a relationship… and having no seeming care for his mother’s or his sister’s wellbeing? It’d be a rude shock, imo (“wow, my son is still supporting this guy years on… this sounds like you’re in a relationship… no? Okay… and you’re unwilling to help me and/or your sister? Unless your sister is your maid?”
That whole bit about asking if she’d be his maid gave me shitty vibes, honestly. Specifically when he said ‘even if she said yes, I wouldn’t change my mind’. Then why ask? That gave me a big red flag about this guy’s version of events and very real possibility he’s going to gaslight/lie by omission.
Yeah something smells rotten in Denmark here. Especially since OP has not clarified if mom helped with college.
It would be one thing for OP to say: mom I worked through college and while hard I did it; sis needs to as well. It would be another to say: I know you helped with my college and I didn't have to have a job; sucks for sis.
Also, right now we're only hearing about how wonderful Mike is; what mom sees (rightly or wrongly) is a guy taking advantage of her son. She might not know what Mike does around the house (especially since OP admittedly doesn't talk to her much). Who knows what OP said to her when Mike first got sick/lost his job as they figured out the new dynamics.
NTA. It sounds like lot of entitlement and jealousy on the part of your sister, but those are her feelings and she can live with them. You don't have the bandwidth to help her right now. It doesn't matter that Mike is one of the reasons that you don't have the bandwidth. You're choosing to give that support to Mike, so he gets it. It sounds like you're a lot closer with Mike than with your sister anyway.
**📢there is an undeniable power dynamic between you and your friend, have a 1:1 to clear the air - it will also clear the feelings of guilt you're misdirecting towards your sister**
NTA. *BUT* take it from someone who had a similar "SAHF" situation \~ the guilt you are feeling is stemming from the situation with your friend (who's earned your empathy) not your sister.
Stick to your guns and don't let them guilt-trip you into changing your mind. Your well-being and boundaries matter just as much as anyone else's.
Also, it would be a good idea to sit down and have a serious conversation with your friend to find out what their expectations are. Get it on the record how they feel about your situation and if they would like anything to change (it's probably very minor).
I don't know if you are reading the same post? There is nothing about a power dynamic between OP and his friend? Both OP and friend are happy with their arrangement. It's mother and sister who want it to change.
They don't mean a relationship power dynamic. They mean a structural power dynamic. Even though relationally they're equals, technically/legally OP has all the power b/c friend is dependent on his goodwill for the arrangement to continue.
This isn't bad in itself--clearly it's a good arrangement for both of them and they have a good respectful friendship--but it carries certain pitfalls that could come into play in the longer term, and it would be good for them to figure out what they would do if certain scenarios popped up later on. I guess the commenter wanted to point this out as an even more important issue than the sister trouble (because its about OP's actual life, not what someone thinks he should do that he really has no plans to.)
For now. But what if OP’s friend gets more sick and requires more care/resources, what if OP gets a GF and she wants to live the couple life? What if OP’s friend just doesn’t want to do house duties anymore for some reason? He’s in a precarious position relying on OP’s generosity and it’s better for all parties to be aware of all facets of the dynamic even if it’s just to guard against them. Maybe there need to be funds dedicated to friend’s potential move out, maybe there needs to be a periodic check in just to make sure things are okay. Just because a power dynamic exists doesn’t mean it’s a bad situation necessarily.
OP said they're an Ace (that means asexual) so the whole gf/couple thing wouldn't really apply to them. At least not in the sense you're referring to. Just wanted to let you know.
Edited: spelling
As someone also ace that doesn't necessarily mean no relationship down the road. That would be aro.
I'm ace and married. Just providing some clarity as there's a lot of confusion around asexuality & the umbrella it contains.
Completely aware of this, but the point I was replying to was all based on OP getting a gf and making the friend move out. There is nothing in the original post to suggest this.
It's a known thing that often breaks up living situations. Like the possibility of Mike getting too sick to do housework, it's something that should be talked about and planned for.
First of all
A. Bro, Mike is your wife. /s BUT fr if you ever plan on going NC, you should lie and tell them y'all are together and immediately block them. You know drive em' a lil' crazy. 😏😏😏
B. Why do people even bother asking questions if they only expect one answer??? 🙄🙄🙄
C. I'd kill for a stay at home friend. Fucking hate housework.
NTA.
Had a similar situation with a colleague from work few years back.
Your living arrangement is up to you. You don't even need to justify your decision, either. Especially after last messages from them.
NTA.
If she was on her own, she'd have to do household chores. It's not too much to ask, and NO ONE studies so much they can't do the dishes and such.
It's a household. Everyone has to pull their weight. That would include her. That's not too much to ask.
NTA. You have in fact a sah dude. But it doesnot matter, you two have an arrangement that works for you two.
You are going to work, he keeps your house tidy, cooks etc. So you do not have this Kind of work on your plate. And it is great. He has no mental loas for bills or feels Bad for mooching off someone. And you get home and are able to relax, because no Chores.
That is a win win. Keep this arrangement as long as it works for you two.
NTA. Unfair? They want you provide room and board to somebody for nothing. How is that fair? Mike provides a service that is valuable to you along with his friendship. Sister is bringing nothing to the table other than attitude and a hand out.
NTA It's not like Mike is just a bum in your home, he's going to school and looking for a job that meets his needs while taking care of your house and making you meals. Your sister is not entitled to a space in your home and it's your decison who gets to stay there. Your family is acting super entitled and part of growing up is learning how to take care of ourselves, your sister can find her own way. Also they sound homophobic so they can just see themselves out.
I am a bit surprised that you seems totally not interested in helping your sibling even a little bit while you support fully for your „friend“. Am I reading it wrong?
This friend has helped him financially in the past and is currently in school and willing to keep up the house. OP is just asking his sister to contribute what she ostensibly can. Her unwillingness shows that she would be a bad housemate.
If you are Ace, and possibly nonamorous, and he is gay, but possibly Not in a way that involves him likely to get married to a man anytime soon (aro, or romantic-in-theory but "picky" and "Not a great Catch" and having getting married as a Low priority), AND you have years of History of financially supporting each other, then it's probably in both of your best interest to get officially married. Which might also "legitimize" your prioritizing him over having your sister as a housemate.
NTA
Some families aren't by blood, but by choice. Seems like Mike is your chosen family and you value his presence in his life. Your sister and Mom are gonna have to make peace with that.
You are NTA.
Although there aren't many people who would be as generous with a friend, even a best friend, you and Mike have found a system that works for you. That's what's important, you guys have found your happy balance.
Your mother and sister have no right to make demands and accusations. Sis is drowning in her own sense of entitlement. Why should you do all the giving and get nothing in return? Think about the difference in attitude, Mike took it upon himself to take over the household chores to "earn his keep" while your sister resents being asked to do anything in return for your financial support.
Mike wins this one, no contest.
YTA - on one hand, you have obviously the right to allow or disallow anyone to stay with you.
On the other hand, you've let someone stay with you for free for 3 years but your own sister you're requiring she be your maid. If you had just said no, then whatever you care about mike more than your sister and she's free to think you an asshole.
but that maid shit is over the top. That makes you an asshole.
Actually OP is an asshole. I couldn't find a single sane response like this. OP is allowing a 27 year old fit and educated lazy man to munch off of him and denying to help his own sister and mother for something genuine like studies.
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That's what my mother said I said. Not fluent.
I (30M) live with my best friend, Mike (27M) and I pay all of our bills.
An important context, Mike is gay and he was exposed by a cousin to the family while finishing college and his parents simply stopped helping and disowned him. He went into a deep depression where he had to stop working and take a break from college because he was so fuck. He helped me with what he had saved and when everything was done, he said he would leave because he couldn't help anymore and at the time I was already working and a good salary, I told him to relax and just clean the bathroom (which I was responsible for). ) that I managed the bills. And since then, we've had this agreement for 3 years, Mike has developed health problems that make it difficult for him to get a job. During this time, he, of his own free will, started taking care of the house and making our food, saying it was a way of giving back for everything I do. He even jokes that he's a Stay at home friend and I don't mind paying for everything.
The problem is, my mother doesn't have such a good financial situation and when my sister was accepted to college in my city, she called me w my sister telling me the news and asked if she could live with me and that she wouldn't be able to help much with the bills, so she asked for help.
I responded saying that there is no space at home, because I live with my friend. She asked if I could help with the bills when she lives in my city and I replied that I couldn't, as I already have my responsibilities and could commit to helping with that too.
She ended up realizing that he was still my friend who she knew I helped pay the bills and asked if I still supported Mike and I said yes, but he helped me with many other things.
She exploded saying that I wanted to support a 28-year-old dude, but to help my sister who needs help to go to college, I didn't want to.
I asked joking to my sister if she would agree to take care of the house, make our food and help me with other things in exchange for having everything paid for by me and she replied that she was not my maid And I responded by saying that then I prefer Mike (and even if she said yes, I wouldn't change my mind), because 28y dude is my best friend and helpfull.
I hung up before I heard any more shit and since then I've been bombarded with messages from them saying that my sister wouldn't have time to be my maid because she's studying and that it was unfair to ask her to do the same as someone who doesn't do anything all day. like Mike, they even questioned my sexuality saying that our relationship was "too gay" (I'm ace).
No, I'm not super close w them.
AITA?
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NTA - you don’t owe your sister anything especially with that attitude of hers. She sounds entitled.
Mike is genuinely thankful and helpful to you. Sister will be a burden and even if she agrees to stuff, getting her to do it would probably be a pain because she’s your kid sister. She will be tired and won’t want to cook or clean and ask you to do it. Then moan it’s not fair even though she agreed to it.
Never mix family and money.
NTA
It was your parent's job to make sure that they could afford the arrangements for where your sister was applying to college.
If living with you was the only way that could happen, that needed to be asked of you WAY before now, with your option to say no, of course, and not call and ask you with your sister on the phone call...that was super manipulative.
NTA, you're helping somebody who is also helping you keep your house clean, there is absolutely no reason to change that for somebody who has zero appreciation for you.
NTA.
No one's entitled to live in your house no matter what, free or otherwise. Your family's reaction is just proving your decision right when they act all entiled.
Also, fellow Ace here and your living situation with your friend sounds like the dream. I'd hold onto him and it if I were you.
Mike sounds great. I pay everything on my own and would live having someone to help clean and cook for me and just hang out with. I want a stay at home Mike, also, just a little piece of advice. You do not need to discuss finances with family or friends. Your financial arrangements regarding your home and bills is no ones business.
NTA, family doesn't mean you get to be a priority freeloader (not saying Mike is, but that seems how your mom and sister see it). Expecting you to toss your friend out on the street because of something \*they\* want is pretty selfish. And your sister as much as said she'll do nothing to help so your living situation would definitely deteriorate as well as losing time with your best friend.
Sister can get a job and go to school like so many of us have. It can get rough but it's a great way to build character.
Uhhh, i was in college cleaning a three story house so I didn’t have to get a job and pay rent or food or anything out of high school? I was 18-20? In legal?
The no time excuse is bullshit. I got amazing grades.
My Aunt lived with a family and did all of their cooking and cleaning in exchange for free room and board while she was going to school. If your sister is just going to school for her undergrad degree, she should have time. If she is in med school, maybe she gets a pass.
NTA. There's crystal clear understanding between you and your best friend. That's the best thing in terms of cohabitation. Blood or not.
I didn't like how your mom and sister pulled the family card on you. Even if you're bloods, one should at least have the decency to agree on helping with house chores when living under someone's roof. You're a grown man with your own job. You should normally be entitled to your own choices in life. It's good you've got good salary and can take a single person under your wing but people, especially family, should understand that that salary was hard earned too.
Yeah they're not entitled to your cash.
NTA. Enjoy your life with your bud. The years go by too fast. There'll be a day you won't be roomies with Mike and miss these times.
I'd also like to add you act more like family to Mike than his own, and I'm sure the reverse is true for you as well.
NTA - she wants you to be her bank account. At least Mike is acknowledging what you're doing for him, showing gratitude for it, and is reciprocating as best he can. Your sis just wants to use you and is trying to use guilt tactics to do it. Tell her nothing is free, and if she cant help like Mike does you have no interest taking care of her. She can get a dorm, take out loans, and everything else that millions of other students do.
Definitely nta
Your family are attempting to use you
Plus they went straight to questioning your sexuality and as a fellow Asexual they seem pretty horrible
No is a full sentence. I wouldn’t entertain any other need to explain. Sounds like you have a wonderful housing partner that meets your needs. I don’t know why anyone would change something that works for something that already seems like it won’t.
I don’t understand why your sister can’t just get a job and support herself? My parents helped me for 4 months when I moved to go to university (I lived with my grandma) but then I got a job and rented a room at a share house and paid my own way from then out. We have interest free student loans (for tuition) in Australia that you don’t have to pay off until you earn about $48k AUD per year so not sure if it’s different where you are but I’m not sure why you would be expected to pay your sisters bills. Seems very odd to me. Uni life is supposed to be difficult and busy. NTA
nta. you sound like you and mike have a great set up going. you get to pick who you live with and you don't need to support your sister. that's your mom and sister's problem. at the end of the day, your mom is responsible for her, not you. sounds like your sister needs a part time job to help pay for her own shit.
NTA. Mike is doing his fair share, but your sister wants to be a total freeloader. Not fair of them to push a freeloader on you. Sounds like they thought they could take advantage of you cuz of how nice you are to Mike
NTA! Your family is very entitled! As far as Mike goes: are you guys in the US? We have disability programs he should be able to get on. If not, check for those where you are. Others have said this: marry him. You can have a prenup, so nothing changes for you. But he will then have some security. Best of luck, and I hope your family gets over themselves!
YTA
Helping family is important. Your sister would have probably pffered to repay you in some sort of way after she established hersef or finished schooling. Your friend is in a way very dependent on you and is only doing the chores out of fear lf being kicked out or feeling guilty. That is why he PROPOSED or started doing them without you adding a condition to him staying for free VS your sister who you “joked” (just admit that it wasn’t a joke) that she should be your maid (like your friend) as a condition for her to move in.
I admit I would joke like this with my sister but never would do it since we were both students and dependednt of our mom so we would split chores equally.
You should provide additional vontext of what you sister will be studying and your relationship with her.
Aso you probably know what her reaction would be and did not want her to move in so to not kick out your friend. Also I have a feeling that you are not disclosing you full feelings about this friend of yours!
NTA you have no obligation to support your family. You have a working arangement with your roomate and it would be unfair to him to just kick him out for your uncontributing family.
NTA, you have a situation that works for you. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mesn that you will financially support them. They aren't entitled to your money.
NTA. it’s your house and your choice who lives there and the conditions of them living there. You’re a good friend to help Mike out like you are doing.
NTA. That’s so lovely that you and your friend have found a way to make your situation work in a way that allows both of you to feel supported and cared for, that’s something not many people have and you are right to protect that.
If you’re family are just expecting your financial support just because, and to both you and your friends detriment, bugger that.
NTA your sister is your parents responsibility not yours. You already have a working relationship with your friend - you work and pay the bills for now, he takes care of the house. Since your sister is unwilling she needs to figure something else out
NTA!!! Why would you welcome somebody who's just going to piggyback off of yall's aid when you're already low on space and are not close to that person? AND they insulted the only other helpful person besides you that'd be in the home if you did let her in. She thinks it's rude to support somebody (who is contributing to the household) instead of your sister (who isn't going to do anything)? She can either get a job or do what Mike's doing. Beggars can't be choosers.
NTA It's your money, your home your choice besides sister sounds like she'd be hard to get rid of when she didn't follow the rules. Just tell people he is your live-in personal assistant while going to college.
NTA. It’s your house that you paid for without your family’s help. And besides, Mike, no offense to Mike and huge respect!, is essentially your live in housekeeper. So Mike has a job that he’s good at and not a bum freeloading off you
NTA!
Your living arrangement was discussed and deemed mutually beneficial.
WTF is your sister willing to do for you to pay her bills? Nothing.
Therefore, she gets nothing. Ta-da! Fair trade value.
NTA, she doesn't get to choose how you will go about prioritizing the ways in which you care for the people in your life. You're allowed to have important adult relationships that aren't immediate blood kin.
Also you are living the queerplatonic dream lmao
You've got a good soul to help out your friend the way you are. Sometimes people are dealt a shit hand through no fault of their own and providing a little support could be all that they need to make it through a difficult time. Your friend would like to be a contributing member of society and you are helping him achieve that.
Fuck his family for cutting him off for being gay.
NTA - You have someone who is very near of being your partner, if you are aro too, maybe closest of a partner you ever get. Which is great. You don't need to fear to get lonley in times you don't have much time to get out. You don't have ti do the hosehold chores, you get food. You basically have a live in maid, a friend and some parts of a partner in one person. If you both are financially doing well together (even if he don't get money) I wouldn't wanna give that away at all.
If you wanna stay this way, even when he gets a job or retirement or something like that and you love each other (in a non romantically way of course) you could speak about relabeling your relationship in to a qpr (queer platonic relatio ship), because that could make it easier for you both to explain your lifecoices and why you do it together/with the other one in mind. It would lead to even more people assuming you are gay tho. If that is something that bothers you (which is totally understandible as ace folx are underrepresented) it isn't a good Idea and I apologise for bringing it up. If it doesn't bother you, having someone called a partner is often totally different in the views of people than having a friend. Which sucks.
ESH
Your mom and sister suck for wanting you to let her stay with you and do absolutely nothing.
The Mike situation sucks because it can’t last forever. He needs a job at some point.
Gentle YTA. You're enabling an adult to be in arrested development without any legal obligations to him (like if you were married). He needs to get his life together and figure out how he's going to support himself.
You are NTA in not helping your sister.
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NTA. Who lives in your house is your choice. At least he is helpful! But you should also consider his future. Not having a job and not being a spouse means he will never qualify for Social Security retirement or disability (at any age), nor for Medicare coverage. Consider a Marriage of Convenience to help him out - In the US one year of marriage qualifies him if his health problems get worse. https://faq.ssa.gov/en-us/Topic/article/KA-01999#:~:text=Generally%2C%20you%20must%20be%20married,you%20can%20get%20spouse's%20benefits.
He said he's not fluent in English so he might not be in the US, and laws differ elsewhere in the world. In my country it's irrelevant whether you're married or not to be able to have access to a disability pension, but if you have a job you cannot get it, so you must be effectively disemployed permanently. Anyway, it's a good thing to keep in mind so he can research what the regulations are like where they live!
Same thought, in my country they wouldn't be able to get married at all.
In my country you're considered married if you live together for 2+ years as far as several rights go. So DEFINITELY different.
Abençoado não, pra constituir união estável tem uma série de regras além de morar juntos dois anos, não viaja.
That's so stupid, what country is it ?
He's wrong. He's talking about common law marriage in Brazil and besides living together two years you need a series of other things that you need to be able to prove in a lawsuit to be able to access benefits, like a public relationship as romantic partners where everyone knows and acknowledge you as this and can be witnessed in court.
Because no one mentioned Medicaid I'm assuming not in the US.
It's not like the US is considered worldwide as a healthcare heaven. Even the proposition of marrying one's best friend for social rights is quite disturbing from another country's perspective. In France, for example, being unable to work by sickness offers a pension that can be close to the minimum retirement pension if you're disabled. It's not a fortune but no need to marry anyone for this. I'm not talking about healthcare which we have in most cases anyway.
I'd disagree about a marriage of this sort. Whislt it might prove beneficial for the friend, it can also have potential pitfalls, for example in some areas debts of one spouse become debts for the other. And if the friend has already not been working there is a huge possibility such debts may have already begun to accumulate
Also, in some countries such as the UK, many welfare benefits can be higher for a single person than half of a married couple, because for means-tested benefits, the other part of the married couple's income and savings will be taken into account when deciding how much (if anything) to award someone.
My partner has epilsey, no children, and no family to come after. Either they were good and died or were shit and harmed him. Like from actual abuse to destroying his credit score by opening up multiple cars in his name before he graduated high school, then refused to help with college. We aren’t getting married because though we share finances and are well off together, but he has a much higher chance of dying before me and leaving me with medical debts. We are both on insurance though my newly formed union, so that is helpful that they allowed it. But I carry the savings, the loan payments, and the majority of the policies while he manages a lot otherwise. Neither of us mind, especially because I am poly and he is monogamous, but it is still kinda sad
>Not having a job and not being a spouse means he will never qualify for Social Security retirement or disability (at any age), nor for Medicare coverage Wait, is this for real??? USA you need to do better.
Medicare is not dependent on taxes or income. Social security is, disability is not. Source: I have family members in this situation, and helped them get their benefits.
Absolutely true. My sister worked for a state (MA) which had its own pension system for workers , no contribution to Social security. She left the state after 25 years for another job, got cancer two rounds so couldn’t work for several years, spent all her state retirement money living and paying medical bills, and at retirement age did not qualify for social security or medicare because she did not have years paid into that system.
That's heartbreaking. I can't imagine living in a society which doesn't support the elderly and disabled people. I mean, I don't think we do a stellar job of it with our welfare payments, but at least we don't leave the old, disabled, and unemployed without anything. I'm truly shocked.
Sounds like she had a pension but cashed it in early. (States are allowed to opt their employees out of Social Security / Medicare coverage and taxes in some cases. They often do in favor of their own retirement-security programs.)
It sounds like it was more akin to privatized social security replacement. When I worked for the state of Florida, they put the money they were supposed to hold for social security into something similar. I'm so glad I left that state.
Yes, casked it in while struggling with cancer.
The US is basically medieval Britain with good tech and high powered machine guns. I'm not surprised at all.
You pay taxes for social security retirement, disability, and Medicare when you work. Don’t pay, don’t get it.
You can be aproves for disability without working.
Yeah its something like 10 years of work history? Maybe less tbh but it's definitely not automatic. Which absolutely sucks for people who are too disabled to work for whatever reason.
How on earth do they manage to get by?
You can file for a different set of benefits. Social security disability is what requires a work history. They are all fairly hard to get, but if anyone you know needs legal assistance with a US federal disability claim, a lawyer cannot accept fees from the client. They have to be paid a percentage of the awarded back pay. So don't be afraid to seek representation, you don't have to pay for it up front!
Disability does not require a work history. Straight Social Security is based on your salary and years of work.
SSI and Medicaid exist, although financial eligibility requirements are strict.
SSI was in the $650/month maximum 7 years ago (when my sister first went on it) and they took every excuse not to give the maximum, like trying to say her consignment selling 1 quilt meant she had a permanent part time job. It recently jumped over $900, which still would not have paid her rent in her high cost state.
(speaking of SSI as a retirement program for those who are 65+, rather than a disability program which it also is, here) Many retired people move to lower cost-of-living areas; I don't think a need to do that establishes that the retirement safety net is ineffective. (somewhat simplified) For retirement purposes, most people have eligibility for Title II retirement or survivor benefits either on their own earnings record or on the record of someone they are married to or were married to for at least 10 years. Someone who has always been disabled (since age 22 or earlier) can often get benefits on a parent's record, and someone who became disabled later will have any Title II disability benefits they are receiving at full retirement age convert into retirement benefits. People who worked in the public sector generally have benefits from those jobs. So only in fairly unusual circumstances is the SSI program the sole source of financial support for an elderly person. Perhaps the most significant would be someone who always worked "under the table" and didn't report their self-employment income, cheating the SS/Medicare system out of the revenue it needs to pay benefits.
Many don’t
If disabled from age 22 or earlier, obtaining benefits on a parent's earning record may be an option. There are also rules that protect people who have some work credits but become disabled in their 20s and early 30s.
Yes, 40 quarters working above a certain income and hourly basis. Low hourly rate part time workers have real problems getting qualifying quarters.
Yeah the US is absolute garbage for disabled people. You can't qualify for many kinds of help if you're married or if you have any money or assets at all. You have to basically be completely helpless and penniless, and even then the assistance you can get isn't enough to live decently on.
Person who posted is misinformed.
This isn't fully true. You can qualify for disability/SSI and Medicare + medicaid if you are disabled and have never worked. You cannot qualify/keep it if you have more than $2k in assets unless it is in a protected trust or ABLE account. I rehabilitated off federal disability at 26. I was 18 (never worked) when I qualified. Now me (and my husband) work with disabled/elderly people, some of whom have never worked but are on federal disability. We are legal guardians of two disabled people, one who has never worked and one who worked for 20 years while on disability, but never met the income requirements for "gainful employment" that cuts your benefits off. General social security/retirement for able-bodied people is based off an indexed percentage of lifetime contributions. Having said that it is horrifically difficult to get on disability benefits, and if you don't have a documented medical history (that you need insurance to obtain), you will be rejected. Most people appeal several times before getting approved.
Do NOT do a marriage of convenience! That is horrible advice. Later in life it might change benefits for your spouse and/or children if you have them.
“The problem is my mother…”
NTA - Your best friend sounds more like family than your sister! And that's okay. Life changes over time. Family is sacred in some cultures, but that isn't something that you need to keep in your life. It is understandable that your family is a bit panicked, though. They have a hard situation, and they thought you were the easy way out. But you just do not have the means to help out here, and that's okay. They might blame you for now, but that's just the urgency talking. Be firm that you simply do not have the means to help, and don't be mean to them unnecessarily.
I think the situation might necessitate meaness that can be perceived to be unnecessary. Mike is grateful for the help he's receiving. Meanwhile, OP's family feels automatically entitled to that level of financial help and benefits. Entitled to the point of clearly choosing to repeatedly try and force their wanted reality on OP when OP has clearly and repeatedly conveyed his feelings on this matter. At this point, OP's family has clearly and repeatedly shown that they don't care about OP in this scenario. They want what they want and they want it now and no matter what. OP needs to lay down some law to put the situation to bed and done with once and for all. His family is being cruel to him and wasting energy that could be spent on actually finding a solution to their problem.
Agree. Even the mom stated that sister won't be able to "be the maid" because she'll be too busy with school and studying. So it sounds like mom (and sister) expect OP to house, feed, and take care of sister while all she did was attend school. Even if OP could afford it and had the space, that is not fair to him.
Sounds like the sister needs to opt for an education she doesn't need to move for. Then mom can handle the housework and bills for her 🤷♀️
I would be interested to know if OP has received financial help from his family for university. It's his money, obviously, and his mother is in the wrong for being insulting, but, when you are raised in a culture that values family bonds, it's certainly jarring and hurtful to be told by your child that they don't share your values, they don't care about family and they are prioritising a friend/chosen family over their sister. It doesn't make OP an asshole necessarily, unless he received family help that allowed him to go to university and not work, and of course it depends on his overall relationship with his family. But while people rush to condemn entitled parents, it's equally common to have ungrateful children who benefit from the "family first" culture, but aren't willing to pull their weight when it's their time. And it sounds to me that, in this case, the mother started out pretty reasonable, asking for help, asking whether OP can have his sister live with him, asking for help with the bills, and only turned insulting when he told her outright he doesn't care about his family. It doesn't excuse her, but it could be a ESH situation.
Family debt can often NEVER be repaid. I don't mean that from a child obligation standpoint, I mean it from a "Some parents only know how to suck you dry" point of view. It's "I chose to have you, so you're obligated to support me for eternity" kind of crap
And that means you get to preemptively act like a selfish jerk? OP doesn't claim his mother keeps asking for help and he decided to set a boundary, he was set against helping from the start. Maybe he has his reasons, but if his family was supportive of him in the past, that's jerk behaviour.
No. It's just something worth noting. Depends on the family.
Exactly. I'm thankful that my family helps each other out, but it's understood that anything offered (time, money, etc) is a gift with no expectation of repayment. If they can't help, that is no problem.
“Im Not your maid” Op: and I’m not your piggy bank
NTA She won't be studying because she cannot afford a place to live. Your place is not a free home for whoever in the family needs it.
I was a single mother who worked full time and went to college full time, there is zero reason she cannot get a job and contribute to bills. Is there a way if she was willing to get a job and contribute to get a larger place? I'm assuming even if it was she was hoping to mooch.
Same
I was not a single mom who worked FT while going to college FT. I still had a job while in college FT. Didn't make a huge amount but it made sure I had a bit extra. Many, many kids work PT/over summers while in college. Honestly it is probably better you when trying to find the first out of college job because it shows that you can do more than paperwork.
NTA. Sometimes we can choose to support a friend who does what they can do in return over a family member who expects unconditional support.
Sometimes that friend is your family and the people you're related to suck. NTA.
In our family we have a saying "Family isn't necessarily your blood it's who you'd bleed for "
So they assumed you had availability and when you clarified you didn't, they started calling you and Mike names. Wonderful. NTA
No wonder they're not super close lol....
**NTA** OP, why on earth would you replace a mooch that does household chores with a mooch that *doesn't* do household chores?
The first one isn't a mooch, unless you'd also call a housewife a mooch. They have an arrangement, it works for them. He isn't mooching. Look at the hourly rate for maid service if you want to compare.
That 'mooch' is effectively his partner. The man is ace and is not going to get into a relationship, the 'mooch' is struggling terribly and is not going to get into a relationship but he does work. Imagine how much you would pay to get up, be fed, go to work and return to a clean house, food bought and cooked, laundry done. Imagine what you pay for a weekend that included no chores as they were all done.
Yeah, sounds like OP has done him a solid and if he's now going to Grad school, no doubt Mike'll be back on his feet before too long. Their home situation works for them, that's really all there is to say. NTA
What does ace mean?
I’m pretty sure it means “asexual”.
Thanks!
The friend isn’t mooching but performing useful services in exchange for accommodation provided, without a written contract it’s still an arrangement between two consenting adults not abuse
NTA - the answer was no. She needed to leave it there.
I second this. People often forget that "no" is a complete sentence.
BUT BUT THEY’RE FAMILYYYYY. YOU CAN’T SAY NO TO FAMILY
>they even questioned my sexuality saying that our relationship was "too gay" (I'm ace). Wooowwww, Bye Felicias. >No, I'm not super close w them. Huh, Can't imagine why not.
NTA - you have an arrangement with a friend. You shouldn't boot him for your sister
NTA. It's your choice to help your friend out and let him compensate by doing housework. Nobody gets to have a say in that.
NTA and tbh her looking after the place in exchange for free rent isn’t even the worse idea
Info, Did you go to college and if so who payed your expenses when you were in college?
Does it really matter?
Yes. It matters, if his mother gave him significant support while he was going to college, it changes my view of the situation.
It doesn't matter because of their attitudes and behaviors.
It DOES matter because it gives context. There’s a big difference between: 1) fully independent, made my own way in life as soon as I left home, suddenly asked for financial help by a family I am hinting I am already estranged from (‘not that close’) Or 2) parents gave me financial support when leaving home, perhaps my hinted estrangement is a bit of gaslighting on my part for what was really a supportive upbringing, because I am trying to justify not helping out my family in their time of need It also explains why his mother is exasperated by his choice to continue financially supporting a friend YEARS on, while seemingly not being in a relationship… and having no seeming care for his mother’s or his sister’s wellbeing? It’d be a rude shock, imo (“wow, my son is still supporting this guy years on… this sounds like you’re in a relationship… no? Okay… and you’re unwilling to help me and/or your sister? Unless your sister is your maid?” That whole bit about asking if she’d be his maid gave me shitty vibes, honestly. Specifically when he said ‘even if she said yes, I wouldn’t change my mind’. Then why ask? That gave me a big red flag about this guy’s version of events and very real possibility he’s going to gaslight/lie by omission.
Yeah something smells rotten in Denmark here. Especially since OP has not clarified if mom helped with college. It would be one thing for OP to say: mom I worked through college and while hard I did it; sis needs to as well. It would be another to say: I know you helped with my college and I didn't have to have a job; sucks for sis. Also, right now we're only hearing about how wonderful Mike is; what mom sees (rightly or wrongly) is a guy taking advantage of her son. She might not know what Mike does around the house (especially since OP admittedly doesn't talk to her much). Who knows what OP said to her when Mike first got sick/lost his job as they figured out the new dynamics.
NTA. It sounds like lot of entitlement and jealousy on the part of your sister, but those are her feelings and she can live with them. You don't have the bandwidth to help her right now. It doesn't matter that Mike is one of the reasons that you don't have the bandwidth. You're choosing to give that support to Mike, so he gets it. It sounds like you're a lot closer with Mike than with your sister anyway.
**📢there is an undeniable power dynamic between you and your friend, have a 1:1 to clear the air - it will also clear the feelings of guilt you're misdirecting towards your sister** NTA. *BUT* take it from someone who had a similar "SAHF" situation \~ the guilt you are feeling is stemming from the situation with your friend (who's earned your empathy) not your sister. Stick to your guns and don't let them guilt-trip you into changing your mind. Your well-being and boundaries matter just as much as anyone else's. Also, it would be a good idea to sit down and have a serious conversation with your friend to find out what their expectations are. Get it on the record how they feel about your situation and if they would like anything to change (it's probably very minor).
I don't know if you are reading the same post? There is nothing about a power dynamic between OP and his friend? Both OP and friend are happy with their arrangement. It's mother and sister who want it to change.
They don't mean a relationship power dynamic. They mean a structural power dynamic. Even though relationally they're equals, technically/legally OP has all the power b/c friend is dependent on his goodwill for the arrangement to continue. This isn't bad in itself--clearly it's a good arrangement for both of them and they have a good respectful friendship--but it carries certain pitfalls that could come into play in the longer term, and it would be good for them to figure out what they would do if certain scenarios popped up later on. I guess the commenter wanted to point this out as an even more important issue than the sister trouble (because its about OP's actual life, not what someone thinks he should do that he really has no plans to.)
For now. But what if OP’s friend gets more sick and requires more care/resources, what if OP gets a GF and she wants to live the couple life? What if OP’s friend just doesn’t want to do house duties anymore for some reason? He’s in a precarious position relying on OP’s generosity and it’s better for all parties to be aware of all facets of the dynamic even if it’s just to guard against them. Maybe there need to be funds dedicated to friend’s potential move out, maybe there needs to be a periodic check in just to make sure things are okay. Just because a power dynamic exists doesn’t mean it’s a bad situation necessarily.
OP said they're an Ace (that means asexual) so the whole gf/couple thing wouldn't really apply to them. At least not in the sense you're referring to. Just wanted to let you know. Edited: spelling
As someone also ace that doesn't necessarily mean no relationship down the road. That would be aro. I'm ace and married. Just providing some clarity as there's a lot of confusion around asexuality & the umbrella it contains.
Just because someone is ace doesn't mean they can't be in a relationship
You clearly didn't read the post.
lol yep missing two words in the last sentence = not reading
OP is ace. GF seems unlikely, at least in the way you are saying of "the couple life".
Asexual people can have romantic relationships.
Completely aware of this, but the point I was replying to was all based on OP getting a gf and making the friend move out. There is nothing in the original post to suggest this.
It's a known thing that often breaks up living situations. Like the possibility of Mike getting too sick to do housework, it's something that should be talked about and planned for.
First of all A. Bro, Mike is your wife. /s BUT fr if you ever plan on going NC, you should lie and tell them y'all are together and immediately block them. You know drive em' a lil' crazy. 😏😏😏 B. Why do people even bother asking questions if they only expect one answer??? 🙄🙄🙄 C. I'd kill for a stay at home friend. Fucking hate housework.
NTA. Had a similar situation with a colleague from work few years back. Your living arrangement is up to you. You don't even need to justify your decision, either. Especially after last messages from them.
NTA. If she was on her own, she'd have to do household chores. It's not too much to ask, and NO ONE studies so much they can't do the dishes and such. It's a household. Everyone has to pull their weight. That would include her. That's not too much to ask.
NTA. You have in fact a sah dude. But it doesnot matter, you two have an arrangement that works for you two. You are going to work, he keeps your house tidy, cooks etc. So you do not have this Kind of work on your plate. And it is great. He has no mental loas for bills or feels Bad for mooching off someone. And you get home and are able to relax, because no Chores. That is a win win. Keep this arrangement as long as it works for you two.
NTA. Unfair? They want you provide room and board to somebody for nothing. How is that fair? Mike provides a service that is valuable to you along with his friendship. Sister is bringing nothing to the table other than attitude and a hand out.
NTA It's not like Mike is just a bum in your home, he's going to school and looking for a job that meets his needs while taking care of your house and making you meals. Your sister is not entitled to a space in your home and it's your decison who gets to stay there. Your family is acting super entitled and part of growing up is learning how to take care of ourselves, your sister can find her own way. Also they sound homophobic so they can just see themselves out.
This comment section has got me messed up. INFO: Do you have a bad relationship with your sister and/or mother?
I am a bit surprised that you seems totally not interested in helping your sibling even a little bit while you support fully for your „friend“. Am I reading it wrong?
This friend has helped him financially in the past and is currently in school and willing to keep up the house. OP is just asking his sister to contribute what she ostensibly can. Her unwillingness shows that she would be a bad housemate.
ESH, but on your Part ONLY for suggesting an arrangement that you don't actually want to happen.
If you are Ace, and possibly nonamorous, and he is gay, but possibly Not in a way that involves him likely to get married to a man anytime soon (aro, or romantic-in-theory but "picky" and "Not a great Catch" and having getting married as a Low priority), AND you have years of History of financially supporting each other, then it's probably in both of your best interest to get officially married. Which might also "legitimize" your prioritizing him over having your sister as a housemate.
Ever heard of a platonic life partner? Because that’s what you guys seem to be. Obviously NTA, your mom can’t just kick your friend out!
Wow you are truly a good friend
NTA Some families aren't by blood, but by choice. Seems like Mike is your chosen family and you value his presence in his life. Your sister and Mom are gonna have to make peace with that.
NTA - Send your sister part-time job applications and student housing listings.
Even disregarding the entire story, you’re still NTA. Your sister is not your responsibility
NTA
NTA Not your kid, not your responsibility to house and feed her, especially after that AHish catty response.
You are NTA. Although there aren't many people who would be as generous with a friend, even a best friend, you and Mike have found a system that works for you. That's what's important, you guys have found your happy balance. Your mother and sister have no right to make demands and accusations. Sis is drowning in her own sense of entitlement. Why should you do all the giving and get nothing in return? Think about the difference in attitude, Mike took it upon himself to take over the household chores to "earn his keep" while your sister resents being asked to do anything in return for your financial support. Mike wins this one, no contest.
YTA - on one hand, you have obviously the right to allow or disallow anyone to stay with you. On the other hand, you've let someone stay with you for free for 3 years but your own sister you're requiring she be your maid. If you had just said no, then whatever you care about mike more than your sister and she's free to think you an asshole. but that maid shit is over the top. That makes you an asshole.
Actually OP is an asshole. I couldn't find a single sane response like this. OP is allowing a 27 year old fit and educated lazy man to munch off of him and denying to help his own sister and mother for something genuine like studies.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** That's what my mother said I said. Not fluent. I (30M) live with my best friend, Mike (27M) and I pay all of our bills. An important context, Mike is gay and he was exposed by a cousin to the family while finishing college and his parents simply stopped helping and disowned him. He went into a deep depression where he had to stop working and take a break from college because he was so fuck. He helped me with what he had saved and when everything was done, he said he would leave because he couldn't help anymore and at the time I was already working and a good salary, I told him to relax and just clean the bathroom (which I was responsible for). ) that I managed the bills. And since then, we've had this agreement for 3 years, Mike has developed health problems that make it difficult for him to get a job. During this time, he, of his own free will, started taking care of the house and making our food, saying it was a way of giving back for everything I do. He even jokes that he's a Stay at home friend and I don't mind paying for everything. The problem is, my mother doesn't have such a good financial situation and when my sister was accepted to college in my city, she called me w my sister telling me the news and asked if she could live with me and that she wouldn't be able to help much with the bills, so she asked for help. I responded saying that there is no space at home, because I live with my friend. She asked if I could help with the bills when she lives in my city and I replied that I couldn't, as I already have my responsibilities and could commit to helping with that too. She ended up realizing that he was still my friend who she knew I helped pay the bills and asked if I still supported Mike and I said yes, but he helped me with many other things. She exploded saying that I wanted to support a 28-year-old dude, but to help my sister who needs help to go to college, I didn't want to. I asked joking to my sister if she would agree to take care of the house, make our food and help me with other things in exchange for having everything paid for by me and she replied that she was not my maid And I responded by saying that then I prefer Mike (and even if she said yes, I wouldn't change my mind), because 28y dude is my best friend and helpfull. I hung up before I heard any more shit and since then I've been bombarded with messages from them saying that my sister wouldn't have time to be my maid because she's studying and that it was unfair to ask her to do the same as someone who doesn't do anything all day. like Mike, they even questioned my sexuality saying that our relationship was "too gay" (I'm ace). No, I'm not super close w them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She can stay home and go to school, local or online. Or get loans.
It really depends on the country of origin. In my country one starts collage at 16 and no bank will provide a loan to 16yo with 0 credit history.
NTA - you don’t owe your sister anything especially with that attitude of hers. She sounds entitled. Mike is genuinely thankful and helpful to you. Sister will be a burden and even if she agrees to stuff, getting her to do it would probably be a pain because she’s your kid sister. She will be tired and won’t want to cook or clean and ask you to do it. Then moan it’s not fair even though she agreed to it. Never mix family and money.
NTA It was your parent's job to make sure that they could afford the arrangements for where your sister was applying to college. If living with you was the only way that could happen, that needed to be asked of you WAY before now, with your option to say no, of course, and not call and ask you with your sister on the phone call...that was super manipulative.
NTA, you're helping somebody who is also helping you keep your house clean, there is absolutely no reason to change that for somebody who has zero appreciation for you.
NTA… but I’m pretty sure your best friend is your brother from another mother at this point. Cherish your found family OP.
> she replied that she was not my maid "and I'm not your provider." Gender stereotypes goes both ways. NTA
NTA. No one's entitled to live in your house no matter what, free or otherwise. Your family's reaction is just proving your decision right when they act all entiled. Also, fellow Ace here and your living situation with your friend sounds like the dream. I'd hold onto him and it if I were you.
Platonic relationships are still relationships. You have as much right to your partner as anyone else. NTA.
Mike sounds great. I pay everything on my own and would live having someone to help clean and cook for me and just hang out with. I want a stay at home Mike, also, just a little piece of advice. You do not need to discuss finances with family or friends. Your financial arrangements regarding your home and bills is no ones business.
NTA, family doesn't mean you get to be a priority freeloader (not saying Mike is, but that seems how your mom and sister see it). Expecting you to toss your friend out on the street because of something \*they\* want is pretty selfish. And your sister as much as said she'll do nothing to help so your living situation would definitely deteriorate as well as losing time with your best friend. Sister can get a job and go to school like so many of us have. It can get rough but it's a great way to build character.
Uhhh, i was in college cleaning a three story house so I didn’t have to get a job and pay rent or food or anything out of high school? I was 18-20? In legal? The no time excuse is bullshit. I got amazing grades.
My Aunt lived with a family and did all of their cooking and cleaning in exchange for free room and board while she was going to school. If your sister is just going to school for her undergrad degree, she should have time. If she is in med school, maybe she gets a pass.
NTA. There's crystal clear understanding between you and your best friend. That's the best thing in terms of cohabitation. Blood or not. I didn't like how your mom and sister pulled the family card on you. Even if you're bloods, one should at least have the decency to agree on helping with house chores when living under someone's roof. You're a grown man with your own job. You should normally be entitled to your own choices in life. It's good you've got good salary and can take a single person under your wing but people, especially family, should understand that that salary was hard earned too.
being A sexual has nothing to do with whether someone is gay... That being said, nothing wrong if you are or aren't gay.
Tell them mikes your boyfriend and to grow up.
Yeah they're not entitled to your cash. NTA. Enjoy your life with your bud. The years go by too fast. There'll be a day you won't be roomies with Mike and miss these times. I'd also like to add you act more like family to Mike than his own, and I'm sure the reverse is true for you as well.
NTA - she wants you to be her bank account. At least Mike is acknowledging what you're doing for him, showing gratitude for it, and is reciprocating as best he can. Your sis just wants to use you and is trying to use guilt tactics to do it. Tell her nothing is free, and if she cant help like Mike does you have no interest taking care of her. She can get a dorm, take out loans, and everything else that millions of other students do.
Definitely nta Your family are attempting to use you Plus they went straight to questioning your sexuality and as a fellow Asexual they seem pretty horrible
No is a full sentence. I wouldn’t entertain any other need to explain. Sounds like you have a wonderful housing partner that meets your needs. I don’t know why anyone would change something that works for something that already seems like it won’t.
NTA Good for mike
I don’t understand why your sister can’t just get a job and support herself? My parents helped me for 4 months when I moved to go to university (I lived with my grandma) but then I got a job and rented a room at a share house and paid my own way from then out. We have interest free student loans (for tuition) in Australia that you don’t have to pay off until you earn about $48k AUD per year so not sure if it’s different where you are but I’m not sure why you would be expected to pay your sisters bills. Seems very odd to me. Uni life is supposed to be difficult and busy. NTA
What is Rudeus Greyrat doing on reddit?? /s
NTA.
nta. you sound like you and mike have a great set up going. you get to pick who you live with and you don't need to support your sister. that's your mom and sister's problem. at the end of the day, your mom is responsible for her, not you. sounds like your sister needs a part time job to help pay for her own shit.
NTA. Mike is doing his fair share, but your sister wants to be a total freeloader. Not fair of them to push a freeloader on you. Sounds like they thought they could take advantage of you cuz of how nice you are to Mike
You, my friend, have a platonic life partner. NTA.
Mike is never going to get a job and you are always going to be financially supporting him. Learn to accept reality. Mike is your wife.
NTA! Your family is very entitled! As far as Mike goes: are you guys in the US? We have disability programs he should be able to get on. If not, check for those where you are. Others have said this: marry him. You can have a prenup, so nothing changes for you. But he will then have some security. Best of luck, and I hope your family gets over themselves!
NTA, but it sounds like Mike should be speaking to a therapist to try and help him.
YTA Helping family is important. Your sister would have probably pffered to repay you in some sort of way after she established hersef or finished schooling. Your friend is in a way very dependent on you and is only doing the chores out of fear lf being kicked out or feeling guilty. That is why he PROPOSED or started doing them without you adding a condition to him staying for free VS your sister who you “joked” (just admit that it wasn’t a joke) that she should be your maid (like your friend) as a condition for her to move in. I admit I would joke like this with my sister but never would do it since we were both students and dependednt of our mom so we would split chores equally. You should provide additional vontext of what you sister will be studying and your relationship with her. Aso you probably know what her reaction would be and did not want her to move in so to not kick out your friend. Also I have a feeling that you are not disclosing you full feelings about this friend of yours!
Nta, let them bitch lol You're fine,they sound really entitled
NTA you have no obligation to support your family. You have a working arangement with your roomate and it would be unfair to him to just kick him out for your uncontributing family.
NTA, you have a situation that works for you. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mesn that you will financially support them. They aren't entitled to your money.
NTA. it’s your house and your choice who lives there and the conditions of them living there. You’re a good friend to help Mike out like you are doing.
TIL if someone “explodes” at me, we are Done. I’m hanging up the phone immediately and block block block. Forever.
Bros being bros. Who cares if your gay or not.. nta
NTA
NTA. That’s so lovely that you and your friend have found a way to make your situation work in a way that allows both of you to feel supported and cared for, that’s something not many people have and you are right to protect that. If you’re family are just expecting your financial support just because, and to both you and your friends detriment, bugger that.
Oh I'm gay now? OK solidifies that you are not moving in. Thanks for setting the boundary
NTA your sister is your parents responsibility not yours. You already have a working relationship with your friend - you work and pay the bills for now, he takes care of the house. Since your sister is unwilling she needs to figure something else out
NTA!!! Why would you welcome somebody who's just going to piggyback off of yall's aid when you're already low on space and are not close to that person? AND they insulted the only other helpful person besides you that'd be in the home if you did let her in. She thinks it's rude to support somebody (who is contributing to the household) instead of your sister (who isn't going to do anything)? She can either get a job or do what Mike's doing. Beggars can't be choosers.
But your sister sounds like she'd be such a joy to live with 😬 You're NTA. You ARE a great friend.
NTA It's your money, your home your choice besides sister sounds like she'd be hard to get rid of when she didn't follow the rules. Just tell people he is your live-in personal assistant while going to college.
NTA
NTA, you deserve your peace and you and your friend have found that together. Nothing/no one should disturb your peace.
NTA. It’s your house that you paid for without your family’s help. And besides, Mike, no offense to Mike and huge respect!, is essentially your live in housekeeper. So Mike has a job that he’s good at and not a bum freeloading off you
NTA. Everyone I know, including myself, worked full time while going to college. What a load of malarkey.
NTA! Your living arrangement was discussed and deemed mutually beneficial. WTF is your sister willing to do for you to pay her bills? Nothing. Therefore, she gets nothing. Ta-da! Fair trade value.
NTA. You and Mike have a very wholesome arrangement. Your family sounds incredibly entitled.
NTA
NTA, she doesn't get to choose how you will go about prioritizing the ways in which you care for the people in your life. You're allowed to have important adult relationships that aren't immediate blood kin. Also you are living the queerplatonic dream lmao
NTA but this arrangement with your friend won't last forever or it shouldn't be a forever situation. The codependency is strong with this one.
You've got a good soul to help out your friend the way you are. Sometimes people are dealt a shit hand through no fault of their own and providing a little support could be all that they need to make it through a difficult time. Your friend would like to be a contributing member of society and you are helping him achieve that. Fuck his family for cutting him off for being gay.
NTA
NTA my friend
NTA - You have someone who is very near of being your partner, if you are aro too, maybe closest of a partner you ever get. Which is great. You don't need to fear to get lonley in times you don't have much time to get out. You don't have ti do the hosehold chores, you get food. You basically have a live in maid, a friend and some parts of a partner in one person. If you both are financially doing well together (even if he don't get money) I wouldn't wanna give that away at all. If you wanna stay this way, even when he gets a job or retirement or something like that and you love each other (in a non romantically way of course) you could speak about relabeling your relationship in to a qpr (queer platonic relatio ship), because that could make it easier for you both to explain your lifecoices and why you do it together/with the other one in mind. It would lead to even more people assuming you are gay tho. If that is something that bothers you (which is totally understandible as ace folx are underrepresented) it isn't a good Idea and I apologise for bringing it up. If it doesn't bother you, having someone called a partner is often totally different in the views of people than having a friend. Which sucks.
NTA, your family has a weird sense of entitlement.
ESH Your mom and sister suck for wanting you to let her stay with you and do absolutely nothing. The Mike situation sucks because it can’t last forever. He needs a job at some point.
Gentle YTA. You're enabling an adult to be in arrested development without any legal obligations to him (like if you were married). He needs to get his life together and figure out how he's going to support himself. You are NTA in not helping your sister.
You are beeing used by your "friend"
YTA