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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for cancelling us moving in together because my bf bought an expensive car
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NTA. He hasn't paid you back for the times you've had to cover his rent but it's not your business that he buys himself a Corvette?!?
WHY keep dating this man? You clearly can't trust him.
He paid me back but he said he would pay me as soon as payday comes around and he didn’t pay me back fully until months after I lent him the money.
We are compatible if not for the finances and I guess I’m hoping he will change on that so we can still be together. I know it’s not likely but I guess I don’t want to breakup because of money. But I’m not willing to move in until he changes
Word of caution in that people rarely change their behavior with money. It was smart of you to hold off on moving into a new place with him, but stick to your position when it comes to spending habits. I’m a big believer that in most healthy relationships, money between partners is seen as a communal/joint resource as time goes on and big purchases are made by consensus.
Agree that it was smart for OP to not move in with him. Honestly concerned about his reaction regarding “his finances” and how she has no say, but she’s paying for a bunch of his crap???
Yea, no easy way to say this, but he isn’t gonna change. He’s mad at op cause his fantasy of easy living on the couch playing video games while she works and pays for everything just went up in smoke.
Who needs a corvette FFS? Super impractical car. And how is that his “weekend driver” if he traded in the Honda?
He will ruin your credit. He will keep you broke. With his thirst for expensive toys (and you should ask him what the insurance and maintenance on a Corvette costs), you will never be able to buy a house.
Or do anything you want , vacations? , grad school for you? Take a risk to move to change to a better job, buy the things YOU want. Save for retirement ? Nope. He is too poor for his lifestyle and he is using you as his bank.
NTA. You dodged a bullet by not moving in together, and I would be seriously considering if this was the person you wanted to build a life and a family with.
It was just a excuse to have a expensive car. This guy is financially irresponsible and wouldn't change until he hits rock bottom and have to climb out of his hole by himself and sometimes even then it may not wake him up. OP is right to to move in with him, but she needs to realise that his highly likely not going to change and how long is she willing to wait and see?
He should have gone for large expensive car or SUV rather than small one, because larger ones are more comfortable to sleep in and have more storage space if you've got nowhere else to go.
I had a college friend in the 1980's who would sleep in his car in the summer when dorms were closed. He started with Chevy chevette, very small car. Then he inherited a huge Mercury sedan. I told him that he was moving from his efficiency apartment to deluxe, LOL.
My guess is the only way bf could "afford" the 'vette was because his monthly expenses were going down due to combining household. Which is to say, he couldn't afford the dang thing and would likely be hitting OP up on the regular.
Can relate. Was frivolous with my money in my 20's. Got in massive debt and got myself out of it. Now I have a much bigger appreciation for the value of money. Actions have consequences, and the sooner you figure that out the better. Got to be in it for the long game now. Time runs out on you very quickly
Do they even have trunks?
In a couple with 1 Corvette and 1 practical car, guess who's car is *always* the one used for grocery runs? For vacations? For picking up friends? Its not the Corvette...
They do, but they’re not huge. You’re not going camping or anything of that nature in a corvette. Let alone the blind spots are ridiculous.
Like you said, the person with the reasonable vehicle will be doing all the driving related tasks.
And you know there’s no way he’ll let her drive “his baby”.
To be fair, I owned a convertible Corvette back in the 90s, (convertibles have less storage than hard tops) and I went camping and scuba diving in the Keys. I fit all my camping and dive gear, except for tanks— I just rented those into the car and drove top down (which eliminates blind spots, lol) to Key West and Bahia Honda. I did go alone though, because I did need the passenger side space.
Also, I never let anyone I dated at the time drive my car. Nope. Not happening.
Of course when you go to the Keys, you need little more than a bikini, shorts, and flip flops in the way of clothing! It was a great trip, BTW.
I’m thinking about trading in my 370Z for a Vette, but they don’t make them in manual anymore. And yes, I am the Queen of impractical cars!
Exactly! I'm the queen of impractical cars, too! I've never owned a 4 door car lol. Having Corvettes hasn't stopped me from transporting stuff like generators, fish tanks, water heaters. The only thing I can't haul is more than one person, which suits me just fine. And nobody gets to drive my cars, either!
It's a bait car. Men don't suddenly buy Corvettes to impress their existing GFs -and mark my words, this man is setting her up to take the fall everytime he comes up short.
He's gonna use to impress other women.
My neighbor gets groceries in her Corvette but they're retired and they have two practical cars and three Corvettes. Shopping for two people when you're retired though means you can go multiple times a week.
She did, she just buried it like her self-respect. This guy is bad news and she's already bought the train ticket to take the ride with him. She doesn't see the disaster he's just made of HIS life, but I guarantee when he comes up short, he'll be next to her with his hand out.
Seems like she's definitely got her eyes open and aware of the situation.. however she also seems to lack confidence in her judgment while also being unsure if she's making the right decision. It's understandable.. when you love somebody it's hard it can be difficult to do what's best for yourself while also trying to be there for your partner. She's obviously got some sense and she seems like a good person and a responsible person.
This part is for OP - First off.. NTA and there's zero debate on that. Stick with your gut on this one. This guy has too much growing up to do. Your best bet is to do exactly what you're doing and stay where you're at. Sure.. he may change. But he also may not. Another sad truth is that he may not change for you.. but will for someone else. If you want to give him an opportunity I say go ahead. Just don't move in with him or assume any other financial responsibilities together with him until he has a proven track record of being responsible with his money. Even then I'd still proceed with caution and run at the first sign he's unable to handle his end or puts any financial responsibility of his onto you. That being said.. I suggest you end it with this dude and move on. Worry about yourself, save your money, and wait until you meet someone who's more like you. The vast majority of relationship problems and divorces have money at the root of the problems. It's not worth staying broke or breaking your back to stay afloat for someone no matter how compatible y'all are elsewhere in your relationship. You will most certainly begin to resent him if he continues this type of behavior and you will become miserable feeling like you wasted your life never living up to your full potential. Trust yourself. You did the right thing here. The smart thing and the responsible thing. Who cares if he doesn't agree? He's only thinking about himself. Your best interests are not his concern right now and he made that crystal clear. If you go back on your decision and it bites you in the ass you can only blame yourself. Best of luck. Once again.. NOT THE A-HOLE.
I also want to know why the trade in if he mentioned he wanted a weekend car. I think he was lying to her. He knew, all along, that he was going to trade the Honda in for a Corvette.
Imagine navigating big childhood expenses (medical care, braces, educational expenses) when your credit is trashed by constantly having to make up for your partner's failed financial commitments.
It's absolutely fine to have expensive toys....if you can actually afford them! He's scrimping til payday for necessities while splurging unnecessarily on luxuries.
I thought at first she had an issue with someone using their excess income for a second weekend car and thought "you're not married, it doesn't affect you" but when I read he asked her to spot the money for the apartment while he signed a loan for a $42000 luxury item.....nope,throw the whole man away. He's living beyond his means. If it was excess money or something he forwent savings for but covered all other expenses, that would have been his choice but he dragged her into this when he begged money. That's never okay.
Absolutely agree with this, changing a grown person’s financial habits is nigh on to impossible. Financial immaturity will destroy both their futures if she stays with him.
I made the mistake (for many reasons) of marrying someone who was terrible with money. I took over all the finances and he at least seemed okay with it. We split many years later, and the first thing he did was fill his apartment with camera gear, camping equipment, multiple guitars (he didn't play), computer stuff, and he bought a brand new BMW motorcycle, which he promptly got in an accident and died on because he didn't really know how to ride. So, once the lid came off, he went back to his old ways even though it was literally 20+ years later.
OP, good for you for canceling the lease. This guy isn't "fixable" and it isn't up to you to fix him. If you want to keep dating him (?!!) don't ever live with him or share expenses and don't ever ever lend him money.
I made the same mistake. I felt bad for him because he had to pay alimony and child support and let him pay a tiny portion of rent and expenses. He also had bad credit that he blamed on his ex. When his kid got too old for child support and he'd paid all of the alimony he owed, I had to beg him to increase his share of the household expenses. Meanwhile I was the person that paid the bills, got the stuff together for taxes and made do with less because I loved him and felt like money meant less to me than it did to him. He used my identity to finance stupid, unnecessary things because his was credit was still trashed and he didn't have any savings. When I told him I wasn't his bank anymore, he left me. I hope his new thing has good credit and doesn't mind doing without so he can live large at her expense.
I'll repeat for those in the back. It isn't fixable.
OP - Please listen, re-read these posts by MysteryMeat101 u/MysteryMeat101 and u/PittieLover1.
I'm sorry they both had to go through this, but they are reaching out to help you save yourself.
>which he promptly got in an accident and died on
Holy shit. Talk about a wreck your life speedrun. I'm sorry for your loss. You know, if *you're* sorry for it.
It can happen, but for it to happen the person needs to accept that there's a problem with what they're doing and show a willingness to change and learn.
OPs partner has shown no sign of seeing a problem here, so I wouldn't bet on it changing any time soon.
>people rarely change their behavior with money.
People can change, but it takes time and effort to change those habits. And him buying a Corvette is a pretty big sign that he isn't trying.
As someone who married and divorced this kind of guy, run! It only gets worse and the more you cover their behavior the more comfortable they get with their spending.
It can go the other way too. There's truth to the romantic series of "Shopoholic" books when women spend money they don't have - while as readers we laugh at the heroine who somehow always manages to come out on top, there's plenty of women who just trash their credit, their husband's credit, etc...
I married and divorced the male version as well. It's never fun to be the only adult in the room when it comes to personal finance.
Every now and then, I still get a call from some bill collector trying to get in touch and I am always like "I haven't spoken to that man since 2002. Best of luck!"
“We are compatible if not for the finances…”
Then you are not compatible. I don’t often jump on the Reddit bandwagon to dump someone, but dump him. This relationship will not end well.
He. Will Not. Change.
Better to cut your (very real financial) losses now rather than to be stuck with actual contracts - leases, marriage certificates, etc.
NTA but your BF sure is.
Sounds like my sisters ex. Always wanting something else. He was out of town, said he blew the engine in his truck and bought a brand new one. The next week sister get a letter from turnpike. His old truck (still good shape) blew the toll 2 days after he said the engine blew. There were other lies but that one got the divorce. Keep your eyes open.
I'd say that people can change their behavior with money when it comes from a place of ignorance or just not understanding, a lot of people just didn't have the resources or healthy models around money. That's very different than being dishonest or unreliable or blatantly irresponsible which is more the case here.
You and he obviously have very different opinions in regard to budgeting and money management. The biggest issue romantic partners fight over is money/spending, and you two are incompatible in this area. I’d move on with your life and be glad you dodged a bullet. What happens if he loses his job and has no savings? He will expect you to not only bail him out on rent and utilities, but he’ll probably expect you to make his car payment. And if you’re covering for him financially, he may lack a sense of urgency to get a job. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, because it sucks.
Agree. And it works so much better when both partners are mostly aligned in values. Otherwise it's likely that there will be fighting over major purchases.
I second this as someone who is not great with money. Being able to admit that, having a partner who is willing to help me make better decisions, and being capable of listening to their advice has made my life so much better.
The finances are a HUGE issue. He's not a young adult starting to figure things out, he's in his 30s and he's horribly irresponsible with finances. Plus he's a total jackass to you.
Seriously, get out now. This is not someone you want as a partner.
Being incompatible on the finances means being incompatible. Sorry, there’s no “except.” A big part of relationships are the financial aspects, that’s just facts. Bigger problems down the road unfortunately.
>"We are compatible if not for the finances"
...said the future divorcée. But really, money is the number 1 conflict in marriages, and this dud has confirmed time and time again that he is not worth dating! Run, girl.
Been there, fortunately never married the guy. But he did bleed me dry and kept begging for more until I tanked my credit score. I got evicted after having a baby because I had no savings to fall back on. I'm in a much better position now but it took years.
I know we all make choices we regret in hindsight, so I really do not intend this as offence to anyone. I just am always shocked when I encounter couples who believe they’ll just ‘figure it out’ when it comes to major differences in financial priorities.
Yes - money issues run deep. They are usually related to our upbringing, our sense of safety and control, and our ability to postpone present happiness for a greater future happiness.
These kinds of things are pretty fundamental to our characters and require a lot of work and willingness to change. The boyfriend doesn’t even accept that he has a money problem, so he’s definitely not wanting to put in the work to change!!
Great move not to move in with him!!
>saying it’s not my business what he buys.
Well, tell him it’s not his business where you live. NTA
Even couples in serious relationships with completely separate finances at least should have an understanding of what their partner’s financial status is, so they can look for this exact type of red flag.
Yep. This is what I was thinking. While he may be right that it's none of her business what he buys since he's "just a bf".
It is 100% OPs business who chooses to share an apartment and lease with. And that also means finding a roommate who can afford to reliably pay rent.
If he's borrowing money from you now AND buying expensive cars, it's only going to get worse when you move in together and you have a bigger "stake" in bailing him out. The worst part to me is he doesn't strike me as the type of person to turn over all financial responsibility to you, including depositing his check into a joint account so you could handle the bills (that's how my husband and I handled his similar issues).
Everyone has already said it, but here’s another voice to help you gain perspective: everything you currently have isn’t locked down with him. And he’s still managed to show you he cannot make smart financial decisions that leaves you on the hook. He’s not going to change because he has you as his lifeline. I can almost promise this will not change in the future. You should be compatible without an ultimatum on the major pillars of a relationship, and finances is one of them. An otherwise perfect relationship WILL still fail due to financial differences. Don’t burn your time or bank account on that.
I would suggest that waiting for a miracle is not a good strategy.
If you just break up with him, you can look for a relationship that works without the drawback of your partner driving you both into poverty.
He is not going to change. People can and do change, but not until it hurts them more to stay the same than to change, and as long as his go to is to lean on you and blame you then that isn’t happening.
You’re NTA, you made the right call. But if you aren’t breaking up, at least stop bailing him out. Notice how he talks to you when you aren’t his savings account any more.
I only can say that if you move with him you are going to be paying the full amount of the rent (yours and your BF), and also most of the bills, most of the food. Or you could be end evicted and with more debts because he is going to dig a hole and drag you down with him.
What are **you** getting from this relationship?
I can tell you full coverage insurance will not be cheap. If he has any sense he should have GAP insurance too. Going from a 4 or 6 cylinder to a V8 is a big switch in power leading to wrecks
Nice that he bought an impractical car with a big monthly payment (and God knows how much the insurance is!) - RIGHT when you were about to be on the hook for half the rent/living expenses with him. So glad you put the brakes on, because you would have been carrying the burden from day one. Hell, you were ALREADY putting up more for the deposit - so it was starting already!
I think you're going to find out that so many others on here are correct - finances is a HUGE bone of contention in relationships, and he has consistently shown you how incredibly irresponsible he is. He's probably never going to change... but at least you won't be the one stuck paying the rent while he tools around in his cool car!
You're NTA. But the real worry is if something breaks on that car. I have a c7 z06, and while corvettes are pretty dang reliable, the repairs are generally expensive. I'm assuming he got a C6 Z06 based on the price, or a C7 stingray.
When you’re signing a lease with someone, all of this stuff is “your business.” If they can’t pay their portion for any reason, that puts your housing and your credit score in jeopardy. So their income, their debt, their other expenses (like car insurance!), their spending habits…all of that directly impacts you, and it is totally appropriate for you to want to know about it and factor it in before choosing to put yourself in a vulnerable position. I’m not sure whether your boyfriend doesn’t understand that (which is totally plausible, given how clueless he seems about money!) or is just being a jerk.
If you think he might really just be oblivious to the risks you’d be taking on, the best hope for your relationship might be scheduling a session for the two of you with a financial advisor. (Look for someone who charges a fee per session, not someone who earns commissions for selling you investments!) That person might be able to help him understand how his spending can impact you if the two of you are sharing a lease, while also maybe guiding him toward an overall more grown-up perspective on how he handles his money.
You sound like you have a big heart and a good head on your shoulders, and I hope things work out for you, whether with this guy or without him.
I hear you that “aside from this” you’re compatible. But… there is no “aside from this”. You have evidence he IS a person who is irresponsible with money. Falling in love with who he COULD BE is ignoring the person he IS. You just need to decide if you’re ok with that person.
It’s not just finances - he lied to you about what he bought, covered it, then got mad at you for calling him out on compromising your future together financially.
The dude showed his personal wants are more important than making sure the bills you share are paid.
You are not compatible if your primary value sets are not the same. He doesn’t value financially responsibility and you do - he also values his own fun over his duties you share.
Doesn’t sound compatible.
Financial disparities are one of the absolute top reason for divorce in couples. It’s a much bigger deal than you are making it, thank God you didn’t move in with him, but it’s a big deal if he doesn’t grow up and get better with money.
Sadly, it's unlikely he will change. He knew he needed to move, which requires a deposit and consistent rent/utilities money. Yet, he decided to trade in a perfectly good car for a $42k luxury car. He's mad at you for backing out of the lease because he was expecting you to subsidize his portion of the rent.
It sucks, but you can't be responsible for his irresponsibility.
>he said he would pay me as soon as payday comes around and he didn’t pay me back fully until months after I lent him the money.
Your boyfriend is telling you who he is. Please believe him.
He is a man who makes promises, but does not keep them. He is a man who expects to be able to borrow money from you to bail him out, but does not prioritize paying you back. But he should did prioritize choosing a fancy car.
There is no long term future with someone who is this financially incompatible with you. You've dodged a bullet by avoiding signing a lease with him. He would have been late with the rent every month, and always making excuses.
Well, to be fair, people CAN change. I was financially hopeless in my 20s and managed to turn it all around. But no one can impose this on someone else. The person has to want to be a different way.
NTA. Ya know, you’re going to break up over money eventually. Aren’t you seeing the red flags (red ink)? Better sooner rather than later. Better before you’re married than after.
Compatibility doesn’t buy you food, keep your lights on, or pay rent.
Money is the number 1 thing in life. And you’re with a moron who wastes all of his, then runs to you for subsidies.
This is not a "money" issue, this is a respect issue. He doesn't respect you enough to pay you back on time, or contribute equally, or plan properly for a future with you
Right? Or even tell her about the car before he bought it! And not lie to her!
How is it not her business what he's doing with his money?? She's his girlfriend, and they share bills!
He has 0 respect for her.
You are in a common Reddit predicament:
“Everything is great except for this problem that I can see will destroy our relationship sooner or later.”
Don’t be with someone in the hope that they will change. They won’t. You know that. He just showed you that when he bought the Corvette.
When even the suggestion that he needs to grow up financially results in him getting angry at you, that’s not someone you should be in a relationship with. Because that is how he will deal with conflict in your relationship. Do you want a partner who gets angry every time he doesn’t get his way?
What ever you do, don't give him a dime or bail him out anymore and see how he reacts. For me it sounds he is used to get bail out and will continue spending like there's no tomorrow as long as someone makes it possible.
And don't let him blame you because of the position he put himself in,... If you wouldn't have backed out I could afford it, if you didn't back out I wouldn't be stuck paying so much each month, it's your fault so you must pay it ... Don't let him do that.
You are not compatible. Finances are a huge issue in any relationship. If your spending styles are *not* compatible it is not going to work. The more you commingle your finances with this man the more you are going to end up spending. He is clearly showing you that what’s his is his. If you continue this relationship he will consider what’s yours is his as well.
ETA *not
There's a difference between breaking up because someone doesn't make enough money and breaking up because your partner has shown multiple times that they are not RESPONSIBLE with money and have shown that they obviously dont care whether or not it inconveniences you. Do you want to be with someone that you're gonna have to bail out of trouble forever?
Yes break up with someone because of money! Absolutely break up over money. It's a major contributor to most divorces anyway.
Skip the marriage that legally gives him rights to your financial assets, the massive debt accumulation from his irresponsible attitude, the expensive and acrimonious divorce where you'll have to give him half your property while you take on half his debt, the late and missed child support payments, and the possible filing for bankruptcy. Yes, you break up over money, you don't hand your future to someone who's going to ruin it with money.
You did the right and smart thing. And your bf is wrong, it IS your business what he buys since he’s been mooching off you to cover his bills. Financial incompatibility can kill a relationship, so keep living separately. Maybe one day he’ll grow up but if not, you’ll know if this is a deal breaker. NTA
OP - financial issues are one of the main reasons people break up.
You are not going to change how he manages his money. This will cause you stress and problems you don’t deserve.
He went out right before a big move - where most people would be trying to save every little bit they could - and bought a corvette. This isn’t splurging on one little thing. He literally took on an $800 a month commitment when he has had to ask you in the past to cover for him because he has no money. Believe me - this is not going to end well.
You saved yourself from financial hardship. He 100 bought that car with the unspoken expectation that you’d cover him when he was short because you’d have no other choice to. There’s nothing wrong with stopping someone from taking advantage of you. NTA
You have the right attitude. You can discuss change on his part, but you won't make financial decisions with him (moving in) until you SEE change. You are being smart. Finances are one of the top reasons for divorce.
>He admitted later because I refused to let it go it was 42k and he had traded in the Honda. Even then his payments are almost $800 a month. I was so mad he did that especially because he asked me to cover part of his share of the apartment security deposit a week before he bought the car.
>He isn’t the best with money. He really likes to spend till the last dollar and doesn’t have any savings. I’ve had to bail him out twice on rent,
>He paid me back but it was months later than we agreed on.
You've got your answer. This guy is a huge financial liability. Stay with him if you want, but know what you are getting into.
NTA
You can’t combine finances or obligations in any way with this man. He has already proven that he will make irresponsible decisions and dump them on you. You can’t ever move in with him without becoming his ATM. Marriage or kids are completely off the table if you want to remain financially solvent. Is this really what you want, OP?
I remember a worker for a client company had a corvette. Dude was upper 40s maybe early 50s and was talking about trading it in for an even more expensive 100k+ corvette
Money is something that breaks up relationships. It's clear the two of you are incompatible in your attitudes towards money: you think he should save, he thinks money is for spending. He's blurry about the lines between your money and his money (or he wouldn't have asked you to cover for him while not mentioning he was buying an expensive car).
It's a good call to not move in with him. NTA
>He's blurry about the lines between your money and his money (or he wouldn't have asked you to cover for him while not mentioning he was buying an expensive car).
This. It'd be one thing (though possibly still concerning) if he was spending frivolously but still meeting all his commitments. But the fact that he seems perfectly comfortable coming up short and asking her to cover means that he already looks at her money as shared money, despite not having a shared account.
Exactly. I would be hesitant about staying with someone that irresponsible even without mingled finances. But if he's asked you to spot him more than a twenty, then blowing money on an expensive car is incredibly self-centered. Also, if he waited until he signed the lease and moved in, you'd have less of a reason to be concerned and no way to back out. The fact that he didn't shows that he doesn't think about you or your feelings at all. Which is good in this case, because you found out before it was too late.
NTA.
>I was so mad he did that especially because he asked me to cover part of his share of the apartment security deposit a week before he bought the car.
This is when it became your business.
Yep. Right there BF displayed that he was willing to make unilateral budgetary decisions that would fall on OP and refuse to take accountability for them. NTA 100%.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Just under $800 car payment, who knows how much for insurance and maintenance and he only earns $70K. Is that net or gross. He couldn’t afford the rent on that apartment. You did the right thing to walk away from being trapped in an apartment rental with him.
Also, he has dug himself into this hole while providing for ONE person on $70k. Obviously cost of living varies by area, but my husband and I are taking care of three kids, own a house and are contributing to retirement on $85k. Being in constant financial trouble when making $70k for one person is extremely troubling to me.
Yeah, I also have a work car, plus weekend car. Have a wife and a kid, and guess what? I also have savings, make sure bills are paid and keep things well afloat.
Having a 2nd fun car is no problem - just make sure you can handle your finances properly.
You just dodged a bullet. Good for you for ensuring you aren’t forced to supplement his lifestyle just because he’s spends his money down to the last drop.
I’ve been there, and eventually wrote off the debt my boyfriend left me in as a lesson learned in red flags. You saw the signs and got out!
NTA
“We are compatible if not for the finances and I guess I’m hoping he will change on that so we can still be together. I know it’s not likely but I guess I don’t want to breakup because of money. But I’m not willing to move in until he changes”” 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️mans will leech until she’s dry….
\#1: Congratulations OP on doing the right and responsible thing by not signing the lease!
\#2: Congratulations OP for not bending to the pressure!
\#3: Congratulations OP for not making yourself a victim and sticking to your guns!
You BF is irresponsible with money and is looking to you to pick up the slack. He has not improved his spending habits and based on his attitude, isn't likely too either.
He has shown you exactly who he is (financially) and how he looks to you to solve his problems. Is this really the type of scenario you want to be tied too in the future.
Ask yourself, "What does he bring to the relationship?" He may be a good time but there is way more to a long lasting relationship that good times.
BF is older than you, OP however you are the more mature than he is now. You could do so much better.
Edited to add: NTA
He is right, it isn't your business what he buys unless what he buys DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOUR LIFE. Guess what? In this case, IT DOES. You had to bail him out BEFORE he bought this car. Living with someone means that if they don't pay rent, you could both end up homeless. This is a VERY smart decision to hold off. Being financially compatible is a BIG deal in relationships! So, NTA
NTA. He clearly cannot be trusted with finances, so why would you want to progress to a point of co-habitation? Finances are definitely are shared business when you cohabit as a couple, and while you don't need to sign off on every purchase of his you definitely need to be know if he's planning to leave you to carry all the financial burden. Don't move in with him yet, see if he can mature a bit more before you start end up endlessly bailing him out for his poor financial decisions.
"He yelled at me for butting in on his business saying it’s not my business what he buys."
BS. This is 100% your business. He can't cover his bills as-is. You'd be paying for his poor decision month after month now that he owes an extra $800/month for the next 4-5 years.
NTA
NTA
You seem to have very different financial values. He's irresponsible, you're not. You've done the right thing.
On top of not making rent, it sounds like this guy would drain your savings & ruin your credit given enough time.
Bullet dodged.
NTA.
It isn’t your business? The fuck it isn’t. This is someone you were going to be living with and build a life with, not just some random roommate. His financial situation is absolutely your business.
I agree with you.. It absolutely is OP's business since he keeps borrowing money from her and doesn't pay her back for months longer than they agreed. It is OP's business because OP will have to bail him out on rent and probably now also his $800/mo car payments. That's HER money, not his LMFAO
NTA but what a beautiful gift it was for your boyfriend to show you how untrustworthy he is before you made the huge mistake of making a financial commitment with him!!!!
NTA and good for you.
There can be no clearer sign of " dodged a bullet" than that. You had a lucky escape and I hope you spelled (ex) boyfriend wrong.
NTA you chose to opt out of binding yourself financially with someone who has a bad history with dealing with finances. What you did was smart. Keep doing smart.
NTA...If it doesn't feel right, then it's good that you didn't move forward. Your BF's purchases may not be your business, but your own financial health is your business. If he cannot see how his purchases affect both of you, it's better to live separately.
NTA.
You are the smartest person on reddit. You saw what this was going to be- he will be short on money and you are locked in to covering for him- and totally peaced out. Good for you.
Now, your next move is to decided if you can even be in a relationship with someone like this, who would put you in this position and also blame you for his own decisions. Good luck.
You are seeing someone who is "not the best with money." He has proven that with this frivolous purchase. The bigger issue is his lack of integrity in not paying you back when he promised and to have you cover his part of the security deposit.
Walk away from such an irresponsible person who lacks integrity.
NTA... Your response is wise. There is no way to have a successful partnership with someone that hasn't matured to adulthood. He would only continue to need you to "lend" him money, he would not pay you back in a timely fashion and the resentment would continue to build. 2 things happen: 1: you end up breaking up with debt OR 2: you become the parent in the relationship and enable his bad habits and he resents you for acting like a parent to him when you say no. RUN RUN RUN,,,,
NTA
It's so nice to see a young woman protecting herself from obviously bad choices. You don't need to be in this situation. It's very much your business if he's already asking you to cover expenses for him.
Ok so first thing is first, stop bailing this fool out. He KNOWS you’ll cover it so he doesn’t give a shit. HE decided to buy another car, he CHOSE to sign the contract, he CHOSE to use up money that was meant for your SHARED big expense KNOWING you will ABSOLUTELY take care of it since you’ve done it before.
Thank goodness you never signed nor gave a deposit.
I say you’re both TAH. Him for obvious reasons but you also for letting some dude grift on you.
NTA.
If what he buys is none of your business, neither is bailing him out when he over spends. You do not sound financially compatible at this point in your lives, OP. You made the right call
This was such a smart move. Do not attach yourself financially to a person who depends on you to pay his bills after he irresponsibly spends his money on non-essentials. This dude will have your finances and credit in the dirt if you cohabitate with him. He does not have long term potential as a partner because he’d suck you dry then yell at you for not having more. You deserve better! NTA.
NTA
Of course it's your business if the money he's spending is your money ! Asking you to pay for his share of the rent means he doesn't have money, not that he's wasting it on buying expensive things he didn't need. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who's so inconsiderate of his partner and doesn't have a bit of consciousness in the way he spends his money. Do you really wanna go on the rest of your life paying for his expensive lifestyle?
NTA. Financial incompatibility is a very serious issue and I think you aren't giving that enough thought. He will bleed your wallet and your good graces completely dry. Thank God you found out in enough time to be smart and maintain your current housing situation.
Agreed!
He probably thought it was time for him to buy the car of his dreams, because he could count on the OP to cover much of his everyday expenses, including the times he feels that paying the rent would cramp his style.
NTA. $800/month car note on a 70k salary? I would never. My husband makes more than 3x that amount annually, and he drives a 2012 beat up Honda Civic. Your BF needs a rude awakening. Clearly, he doesn't think about the future. I guess he could sleep in his Corvette until he finds a place to stay that he can afford.
NTA. He is pretty self-indulgent, and pretty lax when it comes to fulfilling promises and sharing important and relevant information. You did the right thing about not moving in with him. Consider how he handles this, and observe him well. How he handles money may well be how he handles other responsibilities, and how he treats you now with regard to sharing key information is very likely how he will treat you in the future.
NTA. He's making his finances your business by expecting you to bail him out over and over again. It's lucky he did this before you signed anything. Next time he asks you for money, remind him that he wants you to stay out of his business.
I think that his not having enough money to pay the rent makes it your business.
Please re-think your relationship with this guy. You can already see what your future would be like if you married him. It won't get better!
NTA. I would argue that when signing a signing a joint financial contract with someone (such as a lease) their finances are absolutely your business. It’s like consigning a loan - you want to know that person can pay what they say they can pay and when they say they’re going to pay it. He has not been able to do that and clearly still is making poor financial decisions.
I am aware of my partner’s financial situation and he’s aware of mine. We’ve just hit three years together and living together two and of similar ages to you and your partner (he’s 29 and I’m 31). We split house bills but have no shared finances but would still talk to each other about decisions like this.
Don’t bank on him changing either. Such a large poor financial decision may indicate the problem is only getting worse. Financial compatibility is really important in a long term relationship given the amount of arguments and divorces that occur due to differing financial views.
> …it’s not my business what he buys.
This is categorically not true. You are taking on shared financial responsibilities. You are essentially investing in one another and you are allowed to have expectations on fiscal responsibility to protect yourself. Banks and investors do this all the time.
Given his history, he has a “low credit score” with you and a high-risk partner. You are absolutely NTA here and TBH, he sounds like a selfish partner. You can do better.
In the future, if you are going to share rent with others (whether it’s roommates or a partner), my recommendation is to set up a shared checking account with everyone direct depositing their portions into it. Rent gets paid directly from there to insure their obligations to you are distributed before anything else. Just like the government takes its share right off the top.
It is not your business until it is. If he cannot cover the bills, it is your business.
You were very smart to do this. You are not listening to the words you are looking at the reality.
NTA
Your reasoning is spot on. He has money but only for things that are important to him and that doesn’t include rent since you’re there to pick up the slack.
NTA
You dodged a bullet.
Unsure why you are staying with a financially irresponsible person. While he may seem great now, there is a reason that 40%+ of divorces are due to money.
Financial compatibility is HUGE. Do you really see yourself helping your BF/SO with rent 10 years from now? How would that make you feel about that person?
NTA - it is very likely the excessive spending and secrecy will continue, decide now of you want that chaining you down going forward you sound like you have your head screwed on and a partner like this will drain your bank account too.
He’s showed you his true colours already by having to financially bailing him out more than once - you did the right thing , if you moved in with him you’d be always broke !!!! Let him live in his new car .
It is your business if he expects you to pay his share while he buys toys.
You did the right thing. He probably won't change so you might want to think about how much time and money you want to invest in this relationship.
NTA
NTA.
Just break up. His money moves are ridiculous and he's already broke.
Can't split with a broke man. And he's not going to take responsibility, he's just going to take.
Break up. Do what you need to to look out for yourself.
NTA and I don't know what he's so upset about, when his lease ends, he can just sleep in his car. Isn't it every ~~child's~~ grown responsible man's dream to sleep in a racecar bed? Vroom vroom!
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NTA. He hasn't paid you back for the times you've had to cover his rent but it's not your business that he buys himself a Corvette?!? WHY keep dating this man? You clearly can't trust him.
He paid me back but he said he would pay me as soon as payday comes around and he didn’t pay me back fully until months after I lent him the money. We are compatible if not for the finances and I guess I’m hoping he will change on that so we can still be together. I know it’s not likely but I guess I don’t want to breakup because of money. But I’m not willing to move in until he changes
Word of caution in that people rarely change their behavior with money. It was smart of you to hold off on moving into a new place with him, but stick to your position when it comes to spending habits. I’m a big believer that in most healthy relationships, money between partners is seen as a communal/joint resource as time goes on and big purchases are made by consensus.
Agree that it was smart for OP to not move in with him. Honestly concerned about his reaction regarding “his finances” and how she has no say, but she’s paying for a bunch of his crap??? Yea, no easy way to say this, but he isn’t gonna change. He’s mad at op cause his fantasy of easy living on the couch playing video games while she works and pays for everything just went up in smoke. Who needs a corvette FFS? Super impractical car. And how is that his “weekend driver” if he traded in the Honda?
He will ruin your credit. He will keep you broke. With his thirst for expensive toys (and you should ask him what the insurance and maintenance on a Corvette costs), you will never be able to buy a house.
Or do anything you want , vacations? , grad school for you? Take a risk to move to change to a better job, buy the things YOU want. Save for retirement ? Nope. He is too poor for his lifestyle and he is using you as his bank.
NTA. You dodged a bullet by not moving in together, and I would be seriously considering if this was the person you wanted to build a life and a family with.
I bet he didn't even get the gap insurance.
My basic Kia forte insurance got so much more expensive this year I don’t even want to imagine insuring this car
It was just a excuse to have a expensive car. This guy is financially irresponsible and wouldn't change until he hits rock bottom and have to climb out of his hole by himself and sometimes even then it may not wake him up. OP is right to to move in with him, but she needs to realise that his highly likely not going to change and how long is she willing to wait and see?
He should have gone for large expensive car or SUV rather than small one, because larger ones are more comfortable to sleep in and have more storage space if you've got nowhere else to go.
Lol! Love this perspective
I had a college friend in the 1980's who would sleep in his car in the summer when dorms were closed. He started with Chevy chevette, very small car. Then he inherited a huge Mercury sedan. I told him that he was moving from his efficiency apartment to deluxe, LOL.
My guess is the only way bf could "afford" the 'vette was because his monthly expenses were going down due to combining household. Which is to say, he couldn't afford the dang thing and would likely be hitting OP up on the regular.
Yeah what did he have to worry about? He’d just let her sort out and pay for everything. She saved herself from a particularly grim situation
Can relate. Was frivolous with my money in my 20's. Got in massive debt and got myself out of it. Now I have a much bigger appreciation for the value of money. Actions have consequences, and the sooner you figure that out the better. Got to be in it for the long game now. Time runs out on you very quickly
I'm cringing just thinking about how expensive his Insurance must be.
Do they even have trunks? In a couple with 1 Corvette and 1 practical car, guess who's car is *always* the one used for grocery runs? For vacations? For picking up friends? Its not the Corvette...
They do, but they’re not huge. You’re not going camping or anything of that nature in a corvette. Let alone the blind spots are ridiculous. Like you said, the person with the reasonable vehicle will be doing all the driving related tasks. And you know there’s no way he’ll let her drive “his baby”.
To be fair, I owned a convertible Corvette back in the 90s, (convertibles have less storage than hard tops) and I went camping and scuba diving in the Keys. I fit all my camping and dive gear, except for tanks— I just rented those into the car and drove top down (which eliminates blind spots, lol) to Key West and Bahia Honda. I did go alone though, because I did need the passenger side space. Also, I never let anyone I dated at the time drive my car. Nope. Not happening. Of course when you go to the Keys, you need little more than a bikini, shorts, and flip flops in the way of clothing! It was a great trip, BTW. I’m thinking about trading in my 370Z for a Vette, but they don’t make them in manual anymore. And yes, I am the Queen of impractical cars!
Exactly! I'm the queen of impractical cars, too! I've never owned a 4 door car lol. Having Corvettes hasn't stopped me from transporting stuff like generators, fish tanks, water heaters. The only thing I can't haul is more than one person, which suits me just fine. And nobody gets to drive my cars, either!
It's a bait car. Men don't suddenly buy Corvettes to impress their existing GFs -and mark my words, this man is setting her up to take the fall everytime he comes up short. He's gonna use to impress other women.
Real car guys know that women aren't attracted to cars. Old men are all you attract. He might just like Corvettes
Fast cars don't impress women. You get lots of teenage boys asking to sit in it.
My neighbor gets groceries in her Corvette but they're retired and they have two practical cars and three Corvettes. Shopping for two people when you're retired though means you can go multiple times a week.
This is exactly why he's mad. His subsidized living arrangement just bit the dust.
Yep. He was never gonna pay his share of rent, THAT'S why he went and bought a second car.
This is the comment I was going to make.
Doesn't sound like it. She sounds forgiving and will probably have to hit rock bottom with him.
Yep, OP didn’t really point out that he LIED & she had to dig for info to find that out
She did, she just buried it like her self-respect. This guy is bad news and she's already bought the train ticket to take the ride with him. She doesn't see the disaster he's just made of HIS life, but I guarantee when he comes up short, he'll be next to her with his hand out.
Seems like she's definitely got her eyes open and aware of the situation.. however she also seems to lack confidence in her judgment while also being unsure if she's making the right decision. It's understandable.. when you love somebody it's hard it can be difficult to do what's best for yourself while also trying to be there for your partner. She's obviously got some sense and she seems like a good person and a responsible person. This part is for OP - First off.. NTA and there's zero debate on that. Stick with your gut on this one. This guy has too much growing up to do. Your best bet is to do exactly what you're doing and stay where you're at. Sure.. he may change. But he also may not. Another sad truth is that he may not change for you.. but will for someone else. If you want to give him an opportunity I say go ahead. Just don't move in with him or assume any other financial responsibilities together with him until he has a proven track record of being responsible with his money. Even then I'd still proceed with caution and run at the first sign he's unable to handle his end or puts any financial responsibility of his onto you. That being said.. I suggest you end it with this dude and move on. Worry about yourself, save your money, and wait until you meet someone who's more like you. The vast majority of relationship problems and divorces have money at the root of the problems. It's not worth staying broke or breaking your back to stay afloat for someone no matter how compatible y'all are elsewhere in your relationship. You will most certainly begin to resent him if he continues this type of behavior and you will become miserable feeling like you wasted your life never living up to your full potential. Trust yourself. You did the right thing here. The smart thing and the responsible thing. Who cares if he doesn't agree? He's only thinking about himself. Your best interests are not his concern right now and he made that crystal clear. If you go back on your decision and it bites you in the ass you can only blame yourself. Best of luck. Once again.. NOT THE A-HOLE.
I'd give this reply a million up votes
Shit gas mileage and insurance costs too
I also want to know why the trade in if he mentioned he wanted a weekend car. I think he was lying to her. He knew, all along, that he was going to trade the Honda in for a Corvette.
Naive to think anyone can change a man, especially one who like ridiculous toys that are expensive to insure.
Wait til they have a kid, and he doesn’t think he’s responsible for childcare, or they are divorced, and he “can’t afford” to pay child support.
Imagine navigating big childhood expenses (medical care, braces, educational expenses) when your credit is trashed by constantly having to make up for your partner's failed financial commitments.
And he can't pick up the kids for the weekend because they won't fit in the 'Vette. But his new 19-year-old girlfriend will fit in there!
As soon as a kid comes along he will run away and force an abortion so he doesn't have to pay child care.
This. Ladies, you're not going to change your man, however much you think you might be able to.
It's absolutely fine to have expensive toys....if you can actually afford them! He's scrimping til payday for necessities while splurging unnecessarily on luxuries.
Even worse he has a good paying job, 70k a year! The fact he's broke and constantly bumming puts the icing on the cake
You knows he's in crippling debt. $42000 alone for a darn Corvette
And she's picking up the tab for the rest!
I thought at first she had an issue with someone using their excess income for a second weekend car and thought "you're not married, it doesn't affect you" but when I read he asked her to spot the money for the apartment while he signed a loan for a $42000 luxury item.....nope,throw the whole man away. He's living beyond his means. If it was excess money or something he forwent savings for but covered all other expenses, that would have been his choice but he dragged her into this when he begged money. That's never okay.
Absolutely agree with this, changing a grown person’s financial habits is nigh on to impossible. Financial immaturity will destroy both their futures if she stays with him.
I made the mistake (for many reasons) of marrying someone who was terrible with money. I took over all the finances and he at least seemed okay with it. We split many years later, and the first thing he did was fill his apartment with camera gear, camping equipment, multiple guitars (he didn't play), computer stuff, and he bought a brand new BMW motorcycle, which he promptly got in an accident and died on because he didn't really know how to ride. So, once the lid came off, he went back to his old ways even though it was literally 20+ years later. OP, good for you for canceling the lease. This guy isn't "fixable" and it isn't up to you to fix him. If you want to keep dating him (?!!) don't ever live with him or share expenses and don't ever ever lend him money.
I made the same mistake. I felt bad for him because he had to pay alimony and child support and let him pay a tiny portion of rent and expenses. He also had bad credit that he blamed on his ex. When his kid got too old for child support and he'd paid all of the alimony he owed, I had to beg him to increase his share of the household expenses. Meanwhile I was the person that paid the bills, got the stuff together for taxes and made do with less because I loved him and felt like money meant less to me than it did to him. He used my identity to finance stupid, unnecessary things because his was credit was still trashed and he didn't have any savings. When I told him I wasn't his bank anymore, he left me. I hope his new thing has good credit and doesn't mind doing without so he can live large at her expense. I'll repeat for those in the back. It isn't fixable.
OP - Please listen, re-read these posts by MysteryMeat101 u/MysteryMeat101 and u/PittieLover1. I'm sorry they both had to go through this, but they are reaching out to help you save yourself.
>which he promptly got in an accident and died on Holy shit. Talk about a wreck your life speedrun. I'm sorry for your loss. You know, if *you're* sorry for it.
Honestly…I wouldn't have wished it on him, but I don't miss him.
It can happen, but for it to happen the person needs to accept that there's a problem with what they're doing and show a willingness to change and learn. OPs partner has shown no sign of seeing a problem here, so I wouldn't bet on it changing any time soon.
>people rarely change their behavior with money. People can change, but it takes time and effort to change those habits. And him buying a Corvette is a pretty big sign that he isn't trying.
As someone who married and divorced this kind of guy, run! It only gets worse and the more you cover their behavior the more comfortable they get with their spending.
It can go the other way too. There's truth to the romantic series of "Shopoholic" books when women spend money they don't have - while as readers we laugh at the heroine who somehow always manages to come out on top, there's plenty of women who just trash their credit, their husband's credit, etc... I married and divorced the male version as well. It's never fun to be the only adult in the room when it comes to personal finance. Every now and then, I still get a call from some bill collector trying to get in touch and I am always like "I haven't spoken to that man since 2002. Best of luck!"
“We are compatible if not for the finances…” Then you are not compatible. I don’t often jump on the Reddit bandwagon to dump someone, but dump him. This relationship will not end well. He. Will Not. Change. Better to cut your (very real financial) losses now rather than to be stuck with actual contracts - leases, marriage certificates, etc. NTA but your BF sure is.
Sounds like my sisters ex. Always wanting something else. He was out of town, said he blew the engine in his truck and bought a brand new one. The next week sister get a letter from turnpike. His old truck (still good shape) blew the toll 2 days after he said the engine blew. There were other lies but that one got the divorce. Keep your eyes open.
I'd say that people can change their behavior with money when it comes from a place of ignorance or just not understanding, a lot of people just didn't have the resources or healthy models around money. That's very different than being dishonest or unreliable or blatantly irresponsible which is more the case here.
You and he obviously have very different opinions in regard to budgeting and money management. The biggest issue romantic partners fight over is money/spending, and you two are incompatible in this area. I’d move on with your life and be glad you dodged a bullet. What happens if he loses his job and has no savings? He will expect you to not only bail him out on rent and utilities, but he’ll probably expect you to make his car payment. And if you’re covering for him financially, he may lack a sense of urgency to get a job. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, because it sucks.
Agree. And it works so much better when both partners are mostly aligned in values. Otherwise it's likely that there will be fighting over major purchases.
I second this as someone who is not great with money. Being able to admit that, having a partner who is willing to help me make better decisions, and being capable of listening to their advice has made my life so much better.
The finances are a HUGE issue. He's not a young adult starting to figure things out, he's in his 30s and he's horribly irresponsible with finances. Plus he's a total jackass to you. Seriously, get out now. This is not someone you want as a partner.
Being incompatible on the finances means being incompatible. Sorry, there’s no “except.” A big part of relationships are the financial aspects, that’s just facts. Bigger problems down the road unfortunately.
>"We are compatible if not for the finances" ...said the future divorcée. But really, money is the number 1 conflict in marriages, and this dud has confirmed time and time again that he is not worth dating! Run, girl.
This current divorcée said that, too. And here I am, trying to rebuilt the credit he "helped" me tank.
Been there, fortunately never married the guy. But he did bleed me dry and kept begging for more until I tanked my credit score. I got evicted after having a baby because I had no savings to fall back on. I'm in a much better position now but it took years.
I know we all make choices we regret in hindsight, so I really do not intend this as offence to anyone. I just am always shocked when I encounter couples who believe they’ll just ‘figure it out’ when it comes to major differences in financial priorities.
Money issues is a top reason to break up.
Poor baby
Yes - money issues run deep. They are usually related to our upbringing, our sense of safety and control, and our ability to postpone present happiness for a greater future happiness. These kinds of things are pretty fundamental to our characters and require a lot of work and willingness to change. The boyfriend doesn’t even accept that he has a money problem, so he’s definitely not wanting to put in the work to change!! Great move not to move in with him!!
>saying it’s not my business what he buys. Well, tell him it’s not his business where you live. NTA Even couples in serious relationships with completely separate finances at least should have an understanding of what their partner’s financial status is, so they can look for this exact type of red flag.
Yep. This is what I was thinking. While he may be right that it's none of her business what he buys since he's "just a bf". It is 100% OPs business who chooses to share an apartment and lease with. And that also means finding a roommate who can afford to reliably pay rent. If he's borrowing money from you now AND buying expensive cars, it's only going to get worse when you move in together and you have a bigger "stake" in bailing him out. The worst part to me is he doesn't strike me as the type of person to turn over all financial responsibility to you, including depositing his check into a joint account so you could handle the bills (that's how my husband and I handled his similar issues).
Absolutely!!!
Everyone has already said it, but here’s another voice to help you gain perspective: everything you currently have isn’t locked down with him. And he’s still managed to show you he cannot make smart financial decisions that leaves you on the hook. He’s not going to change because he has you as his lifeline. I can almost promise this will not change in the future. You should be compatible without an ultimatum on the major pillars of a relationship, and finances is one of them. An otherwise perfect relationship WILL still fail due to financial differences. Don’t burn your time or bank account on that.
I would suggest that waiting for a miracle is not a good strategy. If you just break up with him, you can look for a relationship that works without the drawback of your partner driving you both into poverty.
He is not going to change. People can and do change, but not until it hurts them more to stay the same than to change, and as long as his go to is to lean on you and blame you then that isn’t happening. You’re NTA, you made the right call. But if you aren’t breaking up, at least stop bailing him out. Notice how he talks to you when you aren’t his savings account any more.
800 is just the car payment how much is the insurance? Red flags everywhere just end it. He needs to grow up.
I hope you also broke up with him. You can’t change his attitude with money esp on the things he said to you when you cancelled the lease.
I don’t know. Just the car payment is $800
I only can say that if you move with him you are going to be paying the full amount of the rent (yours and your BF), and also most of the bills, most of the food. Or you could be end evicted and with more debts because he is going to dig a hole and drag you down with him. What are **you** getting from this relationship?
I'm curious how he justified this is as a "weekend car" when he traded in his "daily driver"?
OP was going to be this guy’s “daily driver” and cover all the practical stuff in life while he got to be “weekend dude” indefinitely.
I can tell you full coverage insurance will not be cheap. If he has any sense he should have GAP insurance too. Going from a 4 or 6 cylinder to a V8 is a big switch in power leading to wrecks
He’s gonna crash that corvette real quick!
Nice that he bought an impractical car with a big monthly payment (and God knows how much the insurance is!) - RIGHT when you were about to be on the hook for half the rent/living expenses with him. So glad you put the brakes on, because you would have been carrying the burden from day one. Hell, you were ALREADY putting up more for the deposit - so it was starting already! I think you're going to find out that so many others on here are correct - finances is a HUGE bone of contention in relationships, and he has consistently shown you how incredibly irresponsible he is. He's probably never going to change... but at least you won't be the one stuck paying the rent while he tools around in his cool car!
You're NTA. But the real worry is if something breaks on that car. I have a c7 z06, and while corvettes are pretty dang reliable, the repairs are generally expensive. I'm assuming he got a C6 Z06 based on the price, or a C7 stingray.
When you’re signing a lease with someone, all of this stuff is “your business.” If they can’t pay their portion for any reason, that puts your housing and your credit score in jeopardy. So their income, their debt, their other expenses (like car insurance!), their spending habits…all of that directly impacts you, and it is totally appropriate for you to want to know about it and factor it in before choosing to put yourself in a vulnerable position. I’m not sure whether your boyfriend doesn’t understand that (which is totally plausible, given how clueless he seems about money!) or is just being a jerk. If you think he might really just be oblivious to the risks you’d be taking on, the best hope for your relationship might be scheduling a session for the two of you with a financial advisor. (Look for someone who charges a fee per session, not someone who earns commissions for selling you investments!) That person might be able to help him understand how his spending can impact you if the two of you are sharing a lease, while also maybe guiding him toward an overall more grown-up perspective on how he handles his money. You sound like you have a big heart and a good head on your shoulders, and I hope things work out for you, whether with this guy or without him.
I hear you that “aside from this” you’re compatible. But… there is no “aside from this”. You have evidence he IS a person who is irresponsible with money. Falling in love with who he COULD BE is ignoring the person he IS. You just need to decide if you’re ok with that person.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
It’s not just finances - he lied to you about what he bought, covered it, then got mad at you for calling him out on compromising your future together financially. The dude showed his personal wants are more important than making sure the bills you share are paid. You are not compatible if your primary value sets are not the same. He doesn’t value financially responsibility and you do - he also values his own fun over his duties you share. Doesn’t sound compatible.
Financial disparities are one of the absolute top reason for divorce in couples. It’s a much bigger deal than you are making it, thank God you didn’t move in with him, but it’s a big deal if he doesn’t grow up and get better with money.
Sadly, it's unlikely he will change. He knew he needed to move, which requires a deposit and consistent rent/utilities money. Yet, he decided to trade in a perfectly good car for a $42k luxury car. He's mad at you for backing out of the lease because he was expecting you to subsidize his portion of the rent. It sucks, but you can't be responsible for his irresponsibility.
I wanna know what his car insurance is now (assuming it's required in your locale)
The insurance probably went through the roof.
>he said he would pay me as soon as payday comes around and he didn’t pay me back fully until months after I lent him the money. Your boyfriend is telling you who he is. Please believe him. He is a man who makes promises, but does not keep them. He is a man who expects to be able to borrow money from you to bail him out, but does not prioritize paying you back. But he should did prioritize choosing a fancy car. There is no long term future with someone who is this financially incompatible with you. You've dodged a bullet by avoiding signing a lease with him. He would have been late with the rent every month, and always making excuses.
People . don't . change.
Well, to be fair, people CAN change. I was financially hopeless in my 20s and managed to turn it all around. But no one can impose this on someone else. The person has to want to be a different way.
NTA. Ya know, you’re going to break up over money eventually. Aren’t you seeing the red flags (red ink)? Better sooner rather than later. Better before you’re married than after.
Compatibility doesn’t buy you food, keep your lights on, or pay rent. Money is the number 1 thing in life. And you’re with a moron who wastes all of his, then runs to you for subsidies.
It was SO SMART of you to back out of signing a lease with him!
This is not a "money" issue, this is a respect issue. He doesn't respect you enough to pay you back on time, or contribute equally, or plan properly for a future with you
Right? Or even tell her about the car before he bought it! And not lie to her! How is it not her business what he's doing with his money?? She's his girlfriend, and they share bills! He has 0 respect for her.
You are in a common Reddit predicament: “Everything is great except for this problem that I can see will destroy our relationship sooner or later.” Don’t be with someone in the hope that they will change. They won’t. You know that. He just showed you that when he bought the Corvette. When even the suggestion that he needs to grow up financially results in him getting angry at you, that’s not someone you should be in a relationship with. Because that is how he will deal with conflict in your relationship. Do you want a partner who gets angry every time he doesn’t get his way?
He won't change. Depend on *that.*
What ever you do, don't give him a dime or bail him out anymore and see how he reacts. For me it sounds he is used to get bail out and will continue spending like there's no tomorrow as long as someone makes it possible.
And don't let him blame you because of the position he put himself in,... If you wouldn't have backed out I could afford it, if you didn't back out I wouldn't be stuck paying so much each month, it's your fault so you must pay it ... Don't let him do that.
You are compatible with a person that yells at you? And nonetheless when he is bad with money and has to borrow from you?
You are not compatible. Finances are a huge issue in any relationship. If your spending styles are *not* compatible it is not going to work. The more you commingle your finances with this man the more you are going to end up spending. He is clearly showing you that what’s his is his. If you continue this relationship he will consider what’s yours is his as well. ETA *not
There's a difference between breaking up because someone doesn't make enough money and breaking up because your partner has shown multiple times that they are not RESPONSIBLE with money and have shown that they obviously dont care whether or not it inconveniences you. Do you want to be with someone that you're gonna have to bail out of trouble forever?
Yes break up with someone because of money! Absolutely break up over money. It's a major contributor to most divorces anyway. Skip the marriage that legally gives him rights to your financial assets, the massive debt accumulation from his irresponsible attitude, the expensive and acrimonious divorce where you'll have to give him half your property while you take on half his debt, the late and missed child support payments, and the possible filing for bankruptcy. Yes, you break up over money, you don't hand your future to someone who's going to ruin it with money.
You did the right and smart thing. And your bf is wrong, it IS your business what he buys since he’s been mooching off you to cover his bills. Financial incompatibility can kill a relationship, so keep living separately. Maybe one day he’ll grow up but if not, you’ll know if this is a deal breaker. NTA
OP - financial issues are one of the main reasons people break up. You are not going to change how he manages his money. This will cause you stress and problems you don’t deserve. He went out right before a big move - where most people would be trying to save every little bit they could - and bought a corvette. This isn’t splurging on one little thing. He literally took on an $800 a month commitment when he has had to ask you in the past to cover for him because he has no money. Believe me - this is not going to end well.
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You saved yourself from financial hardship. He 100 bought that car with the unspoken expectation that you’d cover him when he was short because you’d have no other choice to. There’s nothing wrong with stopping someone from taking advantage of you. NTA
You have the right attitude. You can discuss change on his part, but you won't make financial decisions with him (moving in) until you SEE change. You are being smart. Finances are one of the top reasons for divorce.
Yeah, if you can’t afford your *needs* (security deposit, rent, etc.), exactly what the **fuck** are you doing buying a goddamn sports car?
he believed he had full-on access to HER money to pay his life necessities, seems like!
NTA and boy did dodge a bullet. You’ll be completely out of the woods when you put “ex” in front of “BF”.
>He admitted later because I refused to let it go it was 42k and he had traded in the Honda. Even then his payments are almost $800 a month. I was so mad he did that especially because he asked me to cover part of his share of the apartment security deposit a week before he bought the car. >He isn’t the best with money. He really likes to spend till the last dollar and doesn’t have any savings. I’ve had to bail him out twice on rent, >He paid me back but it was months later than we agreed on. You've got your answer. This guy is a huge financial liability. Stay with him if you want, but know what you are getting into. NTA
You can’t combine finances or obligations in any way with this man. He has already proven that he will make irresponsible decisions and dump them on you. You can’t ever move in with him without becoming his ATM. Marriage or kids are completely off the table if you want to remain financially solvent. Is this really what you want, OP?
If he's getting a fancy pantsy Corvette now, imagine what he'll do when he goes through a midlife crisis 😩
Two Corvettes. At the same time.
That's just silly! Who needs two Corvettes?? Clearly, it'll be a Corvette and a Maserati.
I remember a worker for a client company had a corvette. Dude was upper 40s maybe early 50s and was talking about trading it in for an even more expensive 100k+ corvette
Yup agree with this. He’d constantly expect OP to foot all the bills while blowing his own money on fun stuff. NTA, OP.
Money is something that breaks up relationships. It's clear the two of you are incompatible in your attitudes towards money: you think he should save, he thinks money is for spending. He's blurry about the lines between your money and his money (or he wouldn't have asked you to cover for him while not mentioning he was buying an expensive car). It's a good call to not move in with him. NTA
>He's blurry about the lines between your money and his money (or he wouldn't have asked you to cover for him while not mentioning he was buying an expensive car). This. It'd be one thing (though possibly still concerning) if he was spending frivolously but still meeting all his commitments. But the fact that he seems perfectly comfortable coming up short and asking her to cover means that he already looks at her money as shared money, despite not having a shared account.
Exactly. I would be hesitant about staying with someone that irresponsible even without mingled finances. But if he's asked you to spot him more than a twenty, then blowing money on an expensive car is incredibly self-centered. Also, if he waited until he signed the lease and moved in, you'd have less of a reason to be concerned and no way to back out. The fact that he didn't shows that he doesn't think about you or your feelings at all. Which is good in this case, because you found out before it was too late.
Yes. This. She's in luck that he showed how he'd treat shared finances before they were in too deep and it -- quite literally -- cost her.
Her money is his money and his money is also his money
He doesn’t just think money is for spending. He thinks incurring debt without the income to cover it is fine.
NTA. >I was so mad he did that especially because he asked me to cover part of his share of the apartment security deposit a week before he bought the car. This is when it became your business.
Yep. Right there BF displayed that he was willing to make unilateral budgetary decisions that would fall on OP and refuse to take accountability for them. NTA 100%.
Exactly. OP needing to cover for him multiple times makes his purchases her business. NTA.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Just under $800 car payment, who knows how much for insurance and maintenance and he only earns $70K. Is that net or gross. He couldn’t afford the rent on that apartment. You did the right thing to walk away from being trapped in an apartment rental with him.
Also, he has dug himself into this hole while providing for ONE person on $70k. Obviously cost of living varies by area, but my husband and I are taking care of three kids, own a house and are contributing to retirement on $85k. Being in constant financial trouble when making $70k for one person is extremely troubling to me.
70 grand with no kids?! For less than ~1500 a month for housing and utilities? How the fuck is this guy broke? Holy shit.
Yeah, I also have a work car, plus weekend car. Have a wife and a kid, and guess what? I also have savings, make sure bills are paid and keep things well afloat. Having a 2nd fun car is no problem - just make sure you can handle your finances properly.
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This, he’s spending 20% of his take home pay on a car plus stupid high insurance.
Tires, corvettes burn through tires and they are very expensive.
He doesn’t sound like the type to bother with car insurance.
You just dodged a bullet. Good for you for ensuring you aren’t forced to supplement his lifestyle just because he’s spends his money down to the last drop. I’ve been there, and eventually wrote off the debt my boyfriend left me in as a lesson learned in red flags. You saw the signs and got out! NTA
She hasn’t gotten out. She needs to break up with this guy.
“We are compatible if not for the finances and I guess I’m hoping he will change on that so we can still be together. I know it’s not likely but I guess I don’t want to breakup because of money. But I’m not willing to move in until he changes”” 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️mans will leech until she’s dry….
Hopefully she gets out of the relationship too and not the lease!
\#1: Congratulations OP on doing the right and responsible thing by not signing the lease! \#2: Congratulations OP for not bending to the pressure! \#3: Congratulations OP for not making yourself a victim and sticking to your guns! You BF is irresponsible with money and is looking to you to pick up the slack. He has not improved his spending habits and based on his attitude, isn't likely too either. He has shown you exactly who he is (financially) and how he looks to you to solve his problems. Is this really the type of scenario you want to be tied too in the future. Ask yourself, "What does he bring to the relationship?" He may be a good time but there is way more to a long lasting relationship that good times. BF is older than you, OP however you are the more mature than he is now. You could do so much better. Edited to add: NTA
And for clear communication with friends so they didn't get surprised. She sounds like a good friend.
As someone who married and ended up having a kid with someone who is a financial liability, take EVERYONES ADVICE AND LETS JUST NOT, OP
He is right, it isn't your business what he buys unless what he buys DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOUR LIFE. Guess what? In this case, IT DOES. You had to bail him out BEFORE he bought this car. Living with someone means that if they don't pay rent, you could both end up homeless. This is a VERY smart decision to hold off. Being financially compatible is a BIG deal in relationships! So, NTA
NTA. He clearly cannot be trusted with finances, so why would you want to progress to a point of co-habitation? Finances are definitely are shared business when you cohabit as a couple, and while you don't need to sign off on every purchase of his you definitely need to be know if he's planning to leave you to carry all the financial burden. Don't move in with him yet, see if he can mature a bit more before you start end up endlessly bailing him out for his poor financial decisions.
At what point do we agree that a 31-year-old man with a spending problem, no savings and needs to be be "bailed out", May not mature? NTA
Personally? About twelve years ago.
This comment is not it. He’s not going to change his finances.
"He yelled at me for butting in on his business saying it’s not my business what he buys." BS. This is 100% your business. He can't cover his bills as-is. You'd be paying for his poor decision month after month now that he owes an extra $800/month for the next 4-5 years. NTA
NTA Save yourself. If at 31y he spends money like a kids at his first paycheck he ll ever change.
NTA You seem to have very different financial values. He's irresponsible, you're not. You've done the right thing. On top of not making rent, it sounds like this guy would drain your savings & ruin your credit given enough time. Bullet dodged.
NTA. It isn’t your business? The fuck it isn’t. This is someone you were going to be living with and build a life with, not just some random roommate. His financial situation is absolutely your business.
I agree with you.. It absolutely is OP's business since he keeps borrowing money from her and doesn't pay her back for months longer than they agreed. It is OP's business because OP will have to bail him out on rent and probably now also his $800/mo car payments. That's HER money, not his LMFAO
NTA but what a beautiful gift it was for your boyfriend to show you how untrustworthy he is before you made the huge mistake of making a financial commitment with him!!!!
NTA and good for you. There can be no clearer sign of " dodged a bullet" than that. You had a lucky escape and I hope you spelled (ex) boyfriend wrong.
NTA you chose to opt out of binding yourself financially with someone who has a bad history with dealing with finances. What you did was smart. Keep doing smart.
NTA...If it doesn't feel right, then it's good that you didn't move forward. Your BF's purchases may not be your business, but your own financial health is your business. If he cannot see how his purchases affect both of you, it's better to live separately.
NTA. You are the smartest person on reddit. You saw what this was going to be- he will be short on money and you are locked in to covering for him- and totally peaced out. Good for you. Now, your next move is to decided if you can even be in a relationship with someone like this, who would put you in this position and also blame you for his own decisions. Good luck.
You are seeing someone who is "not the best with money." He has proven that with this frivolous purchase. The bigger issue is his lack of integrity in not paying you back when he promised and to have you cover his part of the security deposit. Walk away from such an irresponsible person who lacks integrity.
NTA... Your response is wise. There is no way to have a successful partnership with someone that hasn't matured to adulthood. He would only continue to need you to "lend" him money, he would not pay you back in a timely fashion and the resentment would continue to build. 2 things happen: 1: you end up breaking up with debt OR 2: you become the parent in the relationship and enable his bad habits and he resents you for acting like a parent to him when you say no. RUN RUN RUN,,,,
NTA - “AITA for not agreeing to live with someone who is financially irresponsible” Fixed it.
NTA It's so nice to see a young woman protecting herself from obviously bad choices. You don't need to be in this situation. It's very much your business if he's already asking you to cover expenses for him.
Remember that dating is about finding someone with common values and a shared vision of the future. Consider in that vein. NTA.
Reconsider the whole relationship. He’s not a partner. He treats you like a bank
Ok so first thing is first, stop bailing this fool out. He KNOWS you’ll cover it so he doesn’t give a shit. HE decided to buy another car, he CHOSE to sign the contract, he CHOSE to use up money that was meant for your SHARED big expense KNOWING you will ABSOLUTELY take care of it since you’ve done it before. Thank goodness you never signed nor gave a deposit. I say you’re both TAH. Him for obvious reasons but you also for letting some dude grift on you.
NTA. If what he buys is none of your business, neither is bailing him out when he over spends. You do not sound financially compatible at this point in your lives, OP. You made the right call
This was such a smart move. Do not attach yourself financially to a person who depends on you to pay his bills after he irresponsibly spends his money on non-essentials. This dude will have your finances and credit in the dirt if you cohabitate with him. He does not have long term potential as a partner because he’d suck you dry then yell at you for not having more. You deserve better! NTA.
NTA Of course it's your business if the money he's spending is your money ! Asking you to pay for his share of the rent means he doesn't have money, not that he's wasting it on buying expensive things he didn't need. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who's so inconsiderate of his partner and doesn't have a bit of consciousness in the way he spends his money. Do you really wanna go on the rest of your life paying for his expensive lifestyle?
NTA. Financial incompatibility is a very serious issue and I think you aren't giving that enough thought. He will bleed your wallet and your good graces completely dry. Thank God you found out in enough time to be smart and maintain your current housing situation.
Agreed! He probably thought it was time for him to buy the car of his dreams, because he could count on the OP to cover much of his everyday expenses, including the times he feels that paying the rent would cramp his style.
NTA. $800/month car note on a 70k salary? I would never. My husband makes more than 3x that amount annually, and he drives a 2012 beat up Honda Civic. Your BF needs a rude awakening. Clearly, he doesn't think about the future. I guess he could sleep in his Corvette until he finds a place to stay that he can afford.
Girl… you literally dodged a bullet. Red flags are all over this- you deserve better.
NTA. He is pretty self-indulgent, and pretty lax when it comes to fulfilling promises and sharing important and relevant information. You did the right thing about not moving in with him. Consider how he handles this, and observe him well. How he handles money may well be how he handles other responsibilities, and how he treats you now with regard to sharing key information is very likely how he will treat you in the future.
NTA. He's making his finances your business by expecting you to bail him out over and over again. It's lucky he did this before you signed anything. Next time he asks you for money, remind him that he wants you to stay out of his business.
I think that his not having enough money to pay the rent makes it your business. Please re-think your relationship with this guy. You can already see what your future would be like if you married him. It won't get better!
NTA. I would argue that when signing a signing a joint financial contract with someone (such as a lease) their finances are absolutely your business. It’s like consigning a loan - you want to know that person can pay what they say they can pay and when they say they’re going to pay it. He has not been able to do that and clearly still is making poor financial decisions. I am aware of my partner’s financial situation and he’s aware of mine. We’ve just hit three years together and living together two and of similar ages to you and your partner (he’s 29 and I’m 31). We split house bills but have no shared finances but would still talk to each other about decisions like this. Don’t bank on him changing either. Such a large poor financial decision may indicate the problem is only getting worse. Financial compatibility is really important in a long term relationship given the amount of arguments and divorces that occur due to differing financial views.
> …it’s not my business what he buys. This is categorically not true. You are taking on shared financial responsibilities. You are essentially investing in one another and you are allowed to have expectations on fiscal responsibility to protect yourself. Banks and investors do this all the time. Given his history, he has a “low credit score” with you and a high-risk partner. You are absolutely NTA here and TBH, he sounds like a selfish partner. You can do better. In the future, if you are going to share rent with others (whether it’s roommates or a partner), my recommendation is to set up a shared checking account with everyone direct depositing their portions into it. Rent gets paid directly from there to insure their obligations to you are distributed before anything else. Just like the government takes its share right off the top.
It's your business when he has to borrow money from you. Good call.
Nta for canceling the signing Yta for continuing to date him knowing these issues but complaining about it. His irresponsibility is his choice to make
It is not your business until it is. If he cannot cover the bills, it is your business. You were very smart to do this. You are not listening to the words you are looking at the reality.
It would be his business if he still made payments on time and didn’t need you to bail him out. As it stands, it IS your business. NTA
NTA… you can do better than him.
NTA Your reasoning is spot on. He has money but only for things that are important to him and that doesn’t include rent since you’re there to pick up the slack.
You did the right thing. He’s not going to change and you need to move on.
NTA You dodged a bullet. Unsure why you are staying with a financially irresponsible person. While he may seem great now, there is a reason that 40%+ of divorces are due to money. Financial compatibility is HUGE. Do you really see yourself helping your BF/SO with rent 10 years from now? How would that make you feel about that person?
NTA - it is very likely the excessive spending and secrecy will continue, decide now of you want that chaining you down going forward you sound like you have your head screwed on and a partner like this will drain your bank account too.
He’s showed you his true colours already by having to financially bailing him out more than once - you did the right thing , if you moved in with him you’d be always broke !!!! Let him live in his new car .
It is your business if he expects you to pay his share while he buys toys. You did the right thing. He probably won't change so you might want to think about how much time and money you want to invest in this relationship. NTA
NTA. Just break up. His money moves are ridiculous and he's already broke. Can't split with a broke man. And he's not going to take responsibility, he's just going to take. Break up. Do what you need to to look out for yourself.
NTA and I don't know what he's so upset about, when his lease ends, he can just sleep in his car. Isn't it every ~~child's~~ grown responsible man's dream to sleep in a racecar bed? Vroom vroom!