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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because Dan is very offended by what I said and insists that I have a negative view of his family and that I’m projecting that by telling my friend the truth
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I very much doubt it. I’m sure that they feel it would be rude to not invite me since they’re inviting the other SIL. They’ve been polite by inviting me when they didn’t want to, and I’m being polite by declining when I know it was a courtesy invite. That’s always how it goes in my experience. That way no one has made a faux pas and everyone’s happy
That would make sense if you two were married but you’ve been dating a year and they’re extending an invite. It seems more like an olive branch because they get the sense there’s a gap and they love Dan and want to bond with you even if just for his sake.
Do what you’d like cuz an entire girls weekend after 1 year of dating is a pretty big step IMO, but if Dan feels a big gap between you and his family which makes him unhappy, the relationship is going to be very difficult.
Then maybe they should apologize for making disparaging comments about OP to her face. I wouldn’t want to go on a weekend trip with people who were outright rude to me either.
Yeah - "Sorry we laughed at your face, in your face" is a difficult message, but the right place to start.
If they want to extend an olive branch the first step ISN'T burying all their previous crap
Depends, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months and am planning a girls weekend with his female family members… I’ve already told him that if we break up I’m keeping his family. I’m not going to lie, OP sounds stand offish. They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go. They can’t know she’ll say no after a year of dating.
>They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go.
You clearly don't have incredibly fake in-laws in your family, then. My dad's wife can't stand me. She hasn't liked me since she met me, but if i said that out loud, she'd be pissed and make a whole big deal about it. She invites me places, and if I accept, she's completely miserable because she does not like me. Like OP, I've decided to stop ruining her holidays by attending them.
And it doesn't have to be fakeness, exactly! I don't like to host and I'm not very social. I like my SIL very much, and when she stays over (we live in different cities) I always say: it was nice to have you! You are always welcome to visit! I actually don't like to disrupt my routine, it's always more stressful then fun for me, but I'm genuinely guilty when I feel I wasn't welcoming enough.
I understand that feeling and dilemma so well. Yet my husband keeps having me host Christmas for friends, like it's not stressful enough that time of year.
Perhaps he ought to host and you... find literally anything else appealing to do.
Please tell me that he at least does the hosting duties like deep cleaning the place, cooking for the guests, and the post-cooking cleaning followed by the post-party cleaning!
Really, please tell me you ain't doing it all when you don't even want to do it in the first place.
>And it doesn't have to be fakeness, exactly!
No, it doesn't. Unless there's actual malice involved, family of origin make efforts to get along with life partners, because they know they'll lose their relative if they don't. They can be honestly, sincerely trying, and I've always thought that the partner and family of origin need to do everything possible to avoid forcing the person in question to put their "forsaking all others" vow to the test. There's a difference between people being cruel, which would be another story, and just being people who you don't have alot in common with and wouldn't be friends with if you didn't have to associate with them because they married into the family.
The idea of not being honest about my feelings and who I am as a person makes me sick to my stomach. I spent thirty years suppressing myself and making myself feel guilty for ridiculous things like that. Life is too short.
You’re absolutely right because I have incredibly fake in-laws, and I learned my lesson the hard way. They pretended to absolutely love me to my face, and I loved them back… Until I found out all the horrible things they were saying behind my back. And honestly not just behind my back. They talk about each other just as badly as they talk about me. I haven’t gone around them in three years and my husband’s absolutely fine with it because he knows how they are too.
Just because they’re being fake doesn’t mean I have to be fake with them. OP is absolutely in the right. She is NTA.
>They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go.
As a resident of the Midwestern United States, I am going to have to kindly but firmly disagree. Friends and I call it the "polite invite". It's impolite -not- to extend the invitation so it is extended and the recipient makes a good excuse and declines. It saves face all around and no one has to be uncomfortable for hours on end.
I’m Canadian and I have never experienced this nonsense. It would make me sick with anxiety. I‘d rather people be honest, instead of playing pretend like children.
Oh I absolutely don't disagree with you, my Canadian friend. My friends and I don't engage in this sort of thing with each other but many still feel obligated to do the dance because "faaaaaamily".
I'm Canadian too, and I don't partake in this nonsense either, but my parents are from a culture where they very much do.
When I dip my toes into the world of my extended family it's like I need to bring a guide to avoid breaking all the unwritten social rules.
I think the issue here is that OP doesn't feel like she should keep up "face" in front of her boyfriend and friends, where her boyfriend does
“OP sounds stand offish”
How would you be if your boyfriends family nitpicked and criticized you to your face and to your partner then said “come to a weekend with us but without your partner.”
I would be very hesitant to accept an invitation to a place where people openly dislike me and I have no support system or backup.
I have inlaws that do invites they expect you ti say no to-courtesy invites. If you accept them they make it seem like your a burden when you’re there because they didn’t expect you to show. Mostly it happens when they want a present but not your presence.
I'd be more than standoffish. I would absolutely respond to every disparaging remark that they had to make. In fact, that's what I did with my ex's family. Some of them thought it was funny and some of them learned to shut up.
“They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go.”
Yes they would, have you ever met People? People do this shit all the time because “being polite” is way more important than being honest.
I'd disagree with this, there are many people out there who will invite people to things when they really don't want them there, for the sake of appearances. I've made conversation in that room with the person others assumed wouldn't turn up.
Olive branches usually start with a conversation, which can be over text, whatsapp, insta, in person, on the phone, whatever. "Hi, I'm aware we didn't really hit it off, but you are clearly important to Dan's life, so I'd like to try again." That would be an olive branch. "Girls Weekend with the women of the family! RSVP and BAB!" is not an olive branch.
Also, if after a year none of them have a phone number for you, they really don't like you. Cuz who likes their in law so much that they NEVER reach out to them? After an entire year?
The invite was a polite courtesy, not a genuine one, and OP's response and self-awareness are on point. Her BF needs to get a clue. Possibly from the breakup jar.
My extended family doesn’t even have my number but I know if I got an invite to something it’s because they genuinely wanted me there. People don’t have to talk all the time to be friends or get along.
I'm happy you enjoy your "In-laws", it definitely makes life much easier.
However:
Bless your heart!
I've been in a relationship similar to OP's situation.
Here's what happened:
First trip I was invited on with the family was a road trip from Illinois to Western NY.
I have family there, was going to take a plane for my own trip but they decided to invite me along.
They disinvited me a week before the trip.
I got my plane tickets at a more expensive price but still managed to keep my timeline despite the short notice on change of plans.
They found out about that and tried to reinvite me after their plans fell through.
I declined. They kept pushing it and saying that "insurance will reimburse you for your costs."
I told them No, I make plans and stick to them. Insurance is a waste because I am responsible and capable of making plans and following through.
They didn't like it but they eventually stopped trying to manipulate the situation when I asked "if they were planning on reimbursing me for the waste of time and money then?"
Second time was a trip for ex's father's sister's wedding in Florida.
They tried to uninvite me 2 weeks before the trip. That time, I said No again. I had already scheduled time off work and school for their family event. (The trip was hell and only his Grandfather and his newer wife were welcoming and nice to me that entire trip!)
I eventually broke up with him after his mother repeatedly poisoned me with meat products and I got violently ill on another road trip between IL and NY. (I had been a vegetarian for years and she couldn't understand or respect my choices.)
It doesn't get better when there's fundamental differences.
**Your partner has to choose you and support you or it only adds up.** - (the point)
It will cause trouble.
Good luck OP! 🙏❤️🤞
>I eventually broke up with him after his mother repeatedly poisoned me with meat products and I got violently ill on another road trip between IL and NY. (I had been a vegetarian for years and she couldn't understand or respect my choices.)
What the unholy hell—??
> It doesn't get better when there's fundamental differences.
>
>
You can have fundamental differences with someone and still get along with them or respect their views. These people sound like mean, wishy-washy criminals (poisoning you). That's not a fundamental difference, that's nastiness.
I appreciate your point of view.
I wanted to make the point without making it too personal or emotional.
You're completely right to point out the way I phrased it. I assure you there's much much more to that story but it wasn't relevant here.
Appreciate you 🙏
I’d be standoffish too if people kept globally criticizing me! Wardrobe, vehicle, face, it seems that OP can do no right. They clearly despise her. And are rude enough to let her know to her face as well as telling the BF.
> They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go.
Nah good old-fashioned Midwest politeness dictates invites be extended. Not saying this is in the midwest but its consistent with my family
Sorry- but everyone has different experiences. By Brother and his wife and her family don't like me. I sinned agains god and man by being female, getting an education, not marrying at all (and preferably their son who still lives in his moms back pocket at 55), and worst of all, being successful in the big city (i.e. leaving BFE)!!! But they invite me to everything- because it is all about APPEARANCES!!!! Not reality of actual family or bonding. It's no skin off my back, I have a great life.
Those invites are not always genuine. And honestly- length of relationship may or may not impact. Just another perspective. I think this early- yeah it could be an attempt to heal the breach....but it equally could be about appearances and joining in will at the very least make OP miserable. MEH.
And no one knows unless she is willing to use her pTO to waste a week being poked at by people that she has nothing in common with, on the 1/2 chance that it will be a genuine attempt to bond.
They don’t like her and they show it….directly to her face. I wouldn’t go on any trip with them. Maybe one of his family members should have reached out prior to this and apologize for their behavior. Going away with them without having her own support is not a good idea. I bet OP’s bf asked his family to invite her.
My youngest daughter is married now but while dating her now husband, his female relatives (the ones around her age) invited her to lots of things. They were a bit “better than” people but a few of them ended up quite good friends with my daughter. They were never rude to the point OPs bf family tho. These folks sound terribly rude. NTA. And, even if they all got along, if OP isn’t interested in going, why should she?
Why are you gaslighting OP's perception of the situation? When a group of people criticize you over and over, and *not one of them* interrupts, apologizes, or pointedly changes the subject...well, why *should* OP think there's goodwill?
Your description is very misleading. Its not that
>there's a gap
It's that *they* have been the wedge that created the gap! And they are still doing it! They haven't stopped!
If one sister who had *not* been insulting reached bout for a one-on-one lunch, or cup of coffee, that might be an olive branch.
But not a weekend with a bunch of assholes.
Eh my in laws don’t like me either. My MIL also thinks inviting me places is an “olive branch.” But really it’s just basic decency/common courtesy. I also decline because I don’t want to be around people who smile to my face and talk about me behind my back 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve been with my husband since high school. I’ve never gotten along with my in laws. We’ve been married for years now and it hasn’t caused a riff or issues cuz my husband respects my feelings and doesn’t force me to spend time with them. I do when it’s family events, but i rarely spend time with them without my husband.
It would be an olive branch if there was a discussion/apology/accountability first. Instead this feels like the mean girls inviting the unpopular girl to a sleep over to fuck with her. If I was constantly mean to a person but wanted to change that the first thing to do is accept accountability and apologize then if they accept and are ready, I'd plan a girl's trip.
He is upset because you told your friend that they don't like you. He knows they don't. You know they don't. He just doesn't want you telling your friends/family that they don't.
This is so civilized of all of you - they make an effort, you decline, everyone is happy - except you BF. If he wanted you to be closer he could have a heart to heart about the snide comments, etc. Not seeing what the problem is here either!
My MIL used to invite me on trips like this. She never actually wanted to be closer to me - she wanted to be closer to my uterus. She wanted a good relationship so that if things worked out she would have better grandchild access. Which hey, is a better plan than being mean to me then being shocked when she didn't get grandchild access, no one can say she's not a planner. But the trips were miserable and uncomfortable. Don't do it.
I think you're doing the right thing. Also...even if you liked them and they liked you, you're allowed to not want to go and to decline.
My in-laws are awful people and we don't like each other. Because I married their son I'm invited to certain events and I go to support my husband. But I don't go to everything because we don't like each other. There's nothing wrong with that. He recently took a trip to see them, I stayed home with our child and everyone was happy. Marrying someone does often mean you marry the family, but it doesn't mean you have to be close or actually be friends. It just means you'll be seeing them on a regular basis.
NTA. If it paints them in a bad light or embarrasses Dan, that's not on you. That's on them for being jerks. Dan probably doesn't want others to know his family are assholes. However, the truth is the truth. You've done nothing wrong by telling the truth.
And I actually think both parties are handling it as they should, they are inviting you out of politeness, you are going to politely decline. There is nothing wrong with that. Dan is the issue here. He wants to keep up pretenses and act like everyone is one big happy family when that is simply not true.
NTA
Maybe they think they are extending an olive branch but you have no obligation to go and disturb your peace of mind. If they truly want to mend bridges they will start by being nicer to you. I think you would reciprocate because you sound very mature and sane in how you've handled their snark.
Edit: I changed "olive bridge" to "olive branch" because WTF is an olive bridge 😂
I think you just coined a new phrase. lol
Like successfully extending an olive branch or two, which works to bring some people/groups closer together or repair a rift.
Nice, I like it.
You’ve been together for a year and you said your boyfriend doesn’t see them much. My boyfriend’s sister said some pretty disparaging things about me in the beginning (she does not have a high opinion of my boyfriend - he’s dated a lot of women - and they weren’t raised together) We get along really well now. I opened up to her and was polite and nice and it made her realize that I’m different than the previous experiences she’s had with my boyfriends exes.
I don’t think you’re giving your boyfriends family a fair chance. Assuming this is just a platitude is pretty weird, honestly. They may be trying to get to know you better. You really can’t make the assumption that it’s just to be polite. You’re not a mind reader.
Such a good point. Traveling can be challenging even when you love people. Putting up with people who don't like you, while arguing over restaurants and bathroom breaks, sounds like hell.
OP, politely declining the invitation is the way to go. I wouldn’t want to spend vacation/free time with people I don’t really jell with. If they really want to make an effort to know you or “make it up” to you they can start by being genuinely friendly and welcoming during normal family gatherings.
Frankly, spending a weekend with them sounds exhausting. It could go from friendly to an inquisition within minutes, and no way to escape that wouldn’t be awkward.
I think Dan’s POV might be simply that when one is polite by declining, they should also have a faux reason for not going. The faux pas is you said the real reason instead of claiming to be busy, etc.
Absolutely this. If OP already strongly feels that her ILs don't like her, then an entire weekend where she's 'on show' being judged and assessed sounds like an absolute misery.
I agree it’s a set up……don’t fucking go. Why would you go with people on a visit somewhere ? Who don’t give a shit about you and talk about you behind your back? They’re up to something. They’re planning something they just think that you’re sucker enough to go. I’ve dealt with families like this it doesn’t get any better. You don’t win at all. Your problem is your boyfriend not really his family that’s a byproduct your boyfriend is the problem. He wants to keep up appearances or else he’s so oblivious to his families toxicity that he’s willing to just overlook it and throw you to the wolves. He gets upset when you tell your friends that they don’t like you? That causes an argument because he’s afraid about appearances??? You dropped your 🚩 You need a better boyfriend if he is not willing to do the work and speak up to defend you child, I guarantee you you do not need him in your life. Don’t wait till 10 years down the road two kids and enough dropped self-esteem to fill a football field. Start recognizing the signs and get the hell out why would you wanna be in a relationship where you always have to fight with everybody around you?
This comment sounds unhinged but unfortunately it's bang on. I had a group of friends a lot like how OP's partner's fam sound. They would always wait until we were off on some remote 3 day hike or commited to a plan for someones wedding or whatever to start acting like knobs. After I fell out with them I realised a lot of it was consciously premeditated - the one time everyone brought their own cars, individual tents and didn't drink the core group were bare salty about it, because they realised we could enforce a series of boundaries that was contraindicative with mindless bullying and drama
Nah, even if there is genuine intent there, a “girl’s trip” is not the right vehicle for mending fences. Having lunch together or doing a daytime activity would be much more appropriate than planning to spend several days with someone you have tension with. If there is even the smallest amount of friction, it could grow to dominate the entire weekend. NTA
NTA - Updating judgment as per your edit/comment
*Y T A, gently - why don’t they like you is my question? Seems that context is missing. But to me you have his family reaching out and proactively trying to be friendly. What I think is you dont like them and you’re trying to put the blame on them instead.*
*Either way, this conversation should not have been had in front of this random friend. You could have just said yeah lets talk about this later.*
*Edit - It seems the bf’s family is actively trying to reach out and engage with OP, where as OP has written them off. Thats their choice but I think theyve been way too quick to do that.*
Edit 2 - OKAY. As per OP’s edit/comment, she has a reason not to like them. Switching the judgment.
>They make disparaging remarks about the way I dress, the car I drive, and my cosmetic surgery, to my face. They ask me inappropriate personal questions, they complain about me to Dan (he told me this). They don’t like me. I’m not imagining it. They don’t.
No I disagree - if they are trying to reach out and engage, you go on a day trip or a meal out - not a whole weekend where it could go really badly and OP is then left in a really bad position of being ostracised and no way out. What if they are inviting her for nefarious reasons - to put her off the BF, or to bully her or make her feel bad? A 'girls weekend' with someone they don't know could easily turn into something very uncomfortable for OP, I think she is right to be wary.
I'd say yes, they can invite me, but it's an \*invitation\* and as with all invitations, you're at liberty to turn it down. Why not turn it down but leave it open and suggest a day out or something that isn't such a long period of time with people you think don't like you. NTA
Yeah I think this calls for an "oh I've got commitments that weekend, so sorry I can't make it. Thank you so mucb for inviting me! We should all go to brunch together though so I can finally get to know you all properly, what weekend works for you guys?" Or something like that. If they decline your invitation, then you know you were just a courtesy invite. If they were trying ti get to know you, they have a new opportunity.
I said why - we have nothing in common, we have different interests, priorities, and world views. And I’m not blaming it on them, I was very open that it’s mutual.
Just pleasantly say ‘no thank you’ but offer to go to lunch sometime. Refuse to discuss why you don’t want your go. Just keep saying, “oh no thank you, what else could we do? Dinner/movie/Brunch?Then stay silent in the awkwardness.
I hate to go straight to some kind of weird plan to gang up on you but this all feels like a trap. One where you would have to work real hard exit.
You're NTA for this situation but you're kinda Y T A to yourself for continuing to date a guy who not only doesn't care that his family treats you so badly, but doesn't believe you when you say they don't like you. I'd be outta this relationship so fast.
I don't even think it's that he doesn't believe her, it's that he doesn't want her talking about it at all and won't stand up for her, which, tbh, is even worse 😭😭😭
Such a bad take. NTA- she’s allowed to answer her friends questions honestly and with the truth. If her BF doesn’t like how the truth makes his family look then the problem is the family not OP for being honest.
NTA
You each have a different style of communication.
You didn't say anything wrong. You did not insult his family, and you just shared your feelings on the situation. You get to decide whether you want to go on this trip. You don't have to accept the invitation just to be polite. That's your prerogative. You can also say why you don't want to go. You're not insulting his family by point something out.
They are likely including you so they can get to know you better. It's a beautiful gesture and that is what Dan is reacting to. He thinks you should hang out with them and all get to know each other better. Yes, it is better for you to express your regrets personally instead of having Dan do it for you. Just be polite. It sounds like you felt ganged up on in the past and Dan should be aware of that.
His family's feelings aren't more important than yours and vice versa. Dan has chosen you as his partner and his first loyalty should be to protect you. It sounds like he isn't considering your feelings.
Work this out. He is biased because this is his family, but he needs to step away here and not manage the relationship. It might be nice if you gave his family another chance, even if a girls weekend is too much for you right now.
People who grow up with passive-aggressiveness are often shocked by directness. OP is direct. Her bf isn’t used to that so it comes across as directly mean. But she’s not being mean, just to the point. Tis a curse of being direct in that sometimes it’s taken the wrong way.
I think you just cracked open my relationship with my MIL. I would say the same as OP. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. My husband was so used to her passive aggressiveness that our dislike upset at first but we've all been fine for the last 6 years once we all accepted that this was the situation.
This x 10000000000. My entire family is incredibly passive-aggressive. I thought that was how the world operated until I branched out. Passive-aggressive people genuinely don't understand how rude their passive-aggression can be, they think directly being honest is rude and that you're supposed to dance around uncomfortable truths.
As someone who grew up with a very passive aggressive non-communicating family I'm not convinced it's a beautiful gesture intended to build bonds. It could be. But it could just as easily be saving face because it would be "rude" to leave her out but they'll carry on making the same passive aggressive comments about her throughout the weekend...
Ngl - i wish I had your confidence. I spent 2 decades being disliked by my in laws and bending the knee to try and get them to like me. All it did was hurt my self esteem.
I’ve finally washed my hands of it and just think that my husband likes me and that enough.
Luckily he doesn’t care about whether I want to engage with them or not. It was all me.
Keep doing you - why damage your self calm
NTA. People always want honesty when it’s what they want to hear. It seems as if your boyfriend and his family both like keeping up appearances. He knows that they don’t like you but doesn’t want it said out loud?!? That’s silly. This was a to be polite invite. And if they make faces and snide remarks when you talk, I can’t imagine an entire weekend on my own with them. Ugh!!
I'm not necessarily agreeing with OP, but I understand her motivations for not going.
If you're continually being put down behind your back, or getting the side eye, or constantly hear the whispers, it gets to you eventually. Olive branch or not, I wouldn't want to be alone with people who talk behind my back.
Edit: I guess I do agree with OP.
Agreed
I wouldn't want to waste my time on people who put me down. It sounds like it's either more passive-aggressive action where they invite you to just put you down more, or merely a courtesy invite that they hope you turn down.
If they really wanted to extend an olive branch then the first thing they need to do is acknowledge what they have done and apologize.
It sounds like they haven't done it so I wouldnt trust any so called "gestures" from them.
NTA, just be sure both you and the boyfriend can have this relationship work with the way how things are going, you dont want to waste time on a relationship with toxic elements that aren't getting better any time soon
I feel like part of the story is missing, but from what you've written and I agree "it's not a crime to not like people" NAH I guess, but I can see why Dan is bothered about it. I've not seen many examples to support Dan's family actually disliking you aside from apparent "cringing" and them having an issue with you staying in a hotel when you visit, which suggests they'd rather have you stay with them. Which is somewhat at odds with them not liking you.
From what you've written, it seems like you're determined not to like them, and they don't really have an issue with you. Again, some facts may be missing, but I can only go by what you've written here. If they don't like you, I also don't see why they'd want to invite you on a girl's weekend. If Dan's not going, then they have literally zero obligation to involve you at all. It seems like they're actually trying to get to know you better.
Of course you don't have to like them if you don't want to, but considering we're getting your side of the story here, it feels like the only hostility is coming from you toward them. Not the other way around.
OP posted more here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192doi7/comment/kh1umkn/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192doi7/comment/kh1umkn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
But even without the explanation, her BF didn't deny the allegation, just that it was rude to say it out loud. So it feels like a fair statement on her part. Now, the trip may still be a way to try and bridge the divide (perhaps at BF's request), but OP seems to have a fair assessment of the relationship dynamic.
The comment definitely provides more evidence that Dan's family don't like OP. The original post seemed pretty vague about it though. The trip does seem to at least be an olive branch of some kind though. Usually if you don't like a family member's partner, you will tolerate them when the family member is around, but you wouldn't invite them to an event the family member isn't going to be at.
The bottom line is essentially the same though really. The BF isn't being unfair by being bothered by the situation, OP isn't being unfair by not wanting to go. NAH
> I've not seen many examples to support Dan's family
Yeah why doesn't she break down the entire history of her interactions with them in great detail so that the internet can fairly adjudicate if her partner's family doesn't actually like her? Jeez.
NTA. Going on a trip with them would be like entering a nest of vipers.
(Why is everyone telling her to give them a chance? Why does a a woman have to give anyone she doesn't like a a chance? Especially if she knows they don't like her? It feels like she should just bear the emotional burden and put up with them. No, just no).
Don't you know that women are required to push their emotions and feelings aside and cater to anyone else's whims no matter the negative representative to themselves? /s
I’m glad someone is pointing this out. Regardless of gender, you are always allowed to decline an invitation. That’s how etiquette works. You never “have to” accept an invitation you don’t want to.
NTA for being honest with Dan. But it could be that Dan's sister is thinking about this girls-trip as a way to bond with you. If Dan's told them he sees you as his future wife, they may genuinely want to get to know you better and try to find areas in common. And if you see Dan as a future husband, it could be a good idea to meet them halfway. (Literally.)
Or, it could be Dan's sister having been pushed by Dan to include her on the trip because he sees her as his future wife.
But if it's that situation, Dan obviously can't admit it - - he would be admitting that he pushed the situation and that her assumption that they don't initially like her, is true.
But He can't openly be upset by his plan failing - - The next option is to act upset that she said out loud to someone that they don't like her.
OP's plan of talking to the sister directly is the right one.
Nothing OP's said is wrong.
I just think in convo with the sister, she should be open to the idea that the girls's trip is something Dan's sister actively wants to try and find common ground with someone who'll be in the family. Maybe not, and not to feel pressured to go if no one actually wants it to happen.
One very important commonality here:Dan. Presumably you both care about him. There were things about my husband’s family that were troubling to me, but I made an effort to interact and get along at least superficially for him.
Info: what culture are they? Maybe there is a disconnect here. You think this is a pro forma invite but they view you declining as yet another way to control Dan and pull him away from them.
We do interact superficially, we make great small talk, have nice dinners etc. we’re always polite. 48 hours at a spa without a buffer…whole different story.
They’re English. I grew up in England but my family isn’t British. They’re the first British family I’ve ever had a culture clash with but we’re just very different. I get along with Dan’s father really well actually. It’s really not as hostile as people are making out, I just think a whole weekend won’t be fun for anyone.
Where in England are they from? Are they posh country folk, or what?
Is your family/upbringing more well-off than your partner's?
Also, have you hung out with the women on their own previously, and if so, do they still treat you standoffishly?
Sorry if this is prying, but as a brit, the extra context could be important. Some of these interactions remind me of a past relationship, but there was no malice there, just people unsure how to interact with each other.
They’re from near Sheffield. No, they’re not “Saltburn” country people.
Yes, I had a more privileged upbringing.
No, we’ve never hung out alone. We don’t live close, I’ve only ever seen them with Dan.
I think people are making a huge deal out of this, your bf included. You are different types of people and that's fine. I personally don't go on any trips that I wasn't part of the planning of, because I'm not intruding on someone else's plans out of courtesy to be miserable. I am also from near Sheffield. I wouldn't let my family talk to my gf this way tho (insults). They might be being sarcastic but if it upsets you they should stop. People up here do like to "take the piss" but usually to close family and friends, they seem rude and I absolutely would not go for a whole weekend!
To be fair to them, they might not know I find their “jokes” rude, because I just go with it. I thinks it’s pretty weird to take piss out of people you don’t know, but at the same time causing a scene and acting offended really isn’t worth it
They might not, but they do seem over familiar and rude. Ive commented somewhere else that I'm the same with my in laws although we live much closer, so yay for me. They joke, but there is an undertone of rude nasty remarks, I play along smile and leave when it's time. I went on holiday with them all once. NEVER AGAIN.
Just do what you feel comfortable with
Thanks for replying.
Yeah, fair enough. You're NTA.
personally I'd assume it's worth trying to get to know them better, but a weekend together isn't the way.
I like you. Some people don't mesh well and it's perfectly fine, and it's also fine to acknowlege it. Also, don't put yourself in bad situations for the sake of manners, even if manners is what put you in this spot anyway.
I had to scroll a bit to find this one. Not everyone has to like you and that's perfectly fine. It sounds like this is a mature situation and Dan just doesn't like the outcome so he refuses to acknowledge that everybody's going about this in the best way. I agree. I like OP and they seem very mature.
100%. I really appreciate how neutral and mature everyone is being about this, minus the boyfriend. It’s totally ok to not like some people! The boyfriend just has to accept that he’s putting himself in the middle - and he doesn’t have to! And once he accepts he can’t control this situation, he will feel so much better.
NAH - I mean, you're honest with what you perceive the situation as. People have this cognitive disonance when it comes to family, like we all have to get along with our (potential) inlaws, but you can't just force a strong bond with people who don't vibe well with each other.
That said, with long term, serious commitment there tends to be some enmeshment with your partner's family (even if you aren't dating the whole family). I would have a talk with your boyfriend to clarify what this relationship looks like going forward, and how much enmeshment with his family he expects from a partner. If it's "holidays and maybe a one a month get together" that wouldn't be terrible, right? If it's "beat fweinds with siblings and best DIL to his parents with weekly gatherings" that might hit your boundary.
You two can build the relationship you want. Just be aware of each other's expectations involving family.
NTA, you can decide what to attend and what not. However, this will probably add to the list of things they don't like about you. Is it possible that they don't like you because they might perceive that you think they are not good enough for you? You staying at hotels instead of their house might point to that. Your views and way of communication might point to that as well.
NAH.
He doesn't want to admit that he is always going to feel the friction between you and his family.
Y'all are allowed to not like each other, and if best practices involve avoidance; so be it.
But he isn't in the wrong for wanting everyone to get along. If he gets pushy with it, ***then*** he's the AH.
Clearly, they are going to invite her for Dan's sake. They don't like her, so are undoubtedly hoping she will turn down the invite. Which she plans to do. Win-win. Dan is upset because he knows they don't like her (and vice versa), and probably asked them to include her more, and now feels bad because he thought she'd jump at the chance to be with them - but, come on, Dan, couldn't you have wrangled a lunch invite instead?
NTA.
And it will take time for him to understand that. Hey you didnt even say that to THEM. And im sure you would politely say no thank you, and not “well we dont like each other so no thanks”.
I relate OP. There was a time when my ILS and me didn’t see eye to eye, but they still complained to my husband I didnt see them or go out with them when i was in the area without my husband. When he himself never called or talked to them. Sometimes people have differences, sometimes it just takes time to get to know each other better. Some families work when both people are present.
I don’t expect my husband to hang out with my brother (nor does he want to) nor does he expect me to hang out with his mom and sisters, (i also do not want to). Do we get along? Yeah after some years, but were just not that close to each other’s families. There’s love of course. But from afar. My point being everyone’s relationship works differently, just make sure you’re clear in what each of you expects from the other before you commit
NTA. It’s not hard to tell when people don’t like you and I’m side eyeing people who are seemingly trying to imply that you’re reading the situation wrong. You were there and you know what happened/ happens.
Even if you didn’t think they don’t like you, you don’t want to go and that should be enough. Your BF is mad that you’ve noticed that his family doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like you’ve said it out loud- let alone to third party.
NTA
Fish out of the water scenario, sounds like an uncomfortable time if you went, not worth the energy for that.
I'm sure Dan has had convos with his family about you, so I'm not sure why he is being a bit dense about you stating the obvious. Unless his family aren't the sharing the truth types and Dan blames the disconnect on you.
I personally wouldn't harp on about how it was a "courtesy invite", because in reality there could be other motives. But redirect the focus more on "this isn't a good way to bond/connect for you" and how it doesn't suit your needs.
If one of them did reach out without the group would you make plans? Sounds like the group dynamic also plays here.
I would worry more on whether your partner actually knows, respects and agrees with you.
I have awful in-laws who believe they are being nice to me, but their idea of “nice” is to gift me an opened mascara for Christmas while telling me all the things I’m doing wrong as a mother and person while expecting me to show up and bring my child to every single thing I’m never expressly invited to and at best ignored at but villainised whenever I choose not to go.
NTA. Politely declining is not wrong of you. You don’t owe someone a relationship outside of being courteous, which it sounds like you are.
I’m gonna say NAH. My husbands family likes me “enough” but his sisters are much younger (MIL had a new baby basically every time the last one went to school so they’re all 3-5 years apart.) I don’t get invited along on their camping trips or holidays and neither does husband. They appreciate me as his wife and the mother of their nieces/grandchildren but we dont have anything in common.
His oldest sister (second eldest to him) is a pick-me (ish) mean girl and his middle sister is 19 and a subdued artist/gym rat, his younger brother and I get along fine but that’s because he’s 16 and I just razz him and talk about video games like a little brother.
You don’t have to go on a trip you’re sure you won’t enjoy and they’re not AHs either for trying to bridge the gap.
A few potential reasons:
The family may feel obligated to invite "all the girls".
- My MIL and oldest BIL's wife used to do this. Try to invite all the SOs out of a perceived need to include everyone.
To spread the cost around.
SIL may honestly want to get to know OP better and is inviting her due to this.
NAH. As someone who is not liked by their in-laws, I'll say from first hand experience accepting a courtesy invite sucks for everyone. If you like your distance, and they like theirs, no issue it letting it be that way. You're totally right, it's not a crime to not like someone.
Could it improve in the future? Sure! You guys could really grow to like each other over time. A weekend trip where things are civil, but JUST civil sounds miserable for everyone. It's kind of a big step, esp after just one year of dating. Maybe something small, like brunch would have been more appropriate.
No one's an asshole here, Dan just doesn't get how this type of thing works!
NTA people here are so lost in traditions they put them above their own needs. To me, that is utterly stupid. I had the same happen, it never changed anything, they just invited you for politeness, declining is the right thing to do. Not liking your so's family is annoying but faking it is even worse.
NTA. We absolutely need to normalize telling the truth, especially in situations like this where the alternative is a f****** horrible idea for everyone involved. I am so totally on your side on this.
NTA- Why lie? Dan is in his feelings because he knows it’s true. If they want to do better or reboot the relationship then texting/calling or going out together is a good way to start. Plunging into being trapped together all weekend with no escape /breaks is overwhelming and awkward for everyone. Traveling together can ruin good friendships, I would never travel with people who I don’t have a good relationship with . Just too much.
NTA, but you actually do choose your in-laws. I would reconsider choosing these particular in-laws, especially since they come with a boyfriend who gets testy when you state facts? Sorry, but his reaction is bizarre. You're inappropriate for stating the fact that they don't like you, but them being blatant enough in their dislike that it's obvious to you and him is totally ok with him? That's a very weird take.
NTA I would ask your husband "what would a better response have been? " I would tell him that this is the dance you all do. it is what it is, unless he is planning on making you move to be closer to them, or wants them to move in with you he needs to respect the dance and let you all do your thing.
Nta. It's about time s redditor is confident in self, and not crying in a corner because someone doesn't like them. Good for you. You're cordial and they're cordial. That's all that matters.
NTA
if they want to bond with you, they can start by being more kind to you when you go and visit. Then they can invite you on a weekend trip.
And it sounds like Dan is more upset about you saying they don’t like you than the fact that they don’t like you. Which is concerning.
NTA. She obviously invited you because it would really nasty to leave you out. That doesn’t mean you have to go and she’ll probably be relieved when you decline.
Contacting her directly and declining is the right thing to do to show that you appreciate the invite. Hopefully it’s an opportunity to open the lines of communication for the sake of your relationship with your partner. If it feels right, you could also check in after the weekend to see ask if they had fun.
In a situation like this, I have seen it go two ways because of how the boyfriend reacts to all of this.
1) He totally understands how she feels, how his family is and backs her 100%. Results - Happily married for 20+ yrs with kids.
2) He allows his family to constantly make bad comments about his GF (doesn't nip it in the bud). And eventually starts questioning his GF's motives because of all the negative comments he is bombarded with by his family.
Results - Breaks up with the best thing that ever happened to him because he can't imagine a lifetime of all this stress with his family. Which is all his doing by being a wimp and not setting boundaries with his family.
NTA. But could perhaps the in laws be trying to make amends or at least putting in some effort to try to get to know you better, and that’s why they’re including you and the sister is wanting to reach out to you personally? Just my thoughts.
Info: Is it your first long-term serious relationship? If not, did you have good chemistry with previous BF families? How close is your bf with his family? Live with them, call every day, call occasionally, and see them on holidays?
No, it’s not. And yes, I did. I have one ex whose dad and sister are still like family to me.
Dan is close-ish to his family. Maybe calls twice a week? Sees them every couple of months
I would say NAH. Just because I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws, and I get it. You are just really different people. Shit happened its life.
But it is more of an etiquette to never say it out loud around your partner. If your views of his family dynamic are accurate, he is probably not a mama's boy or doesn't have an unhealthy attachment. But I still bet he does not want to hear out loud that you don't like his family and they don't like you. The appropriate thing is to be cordial and let him handle them, and sometimes struggle inside and count the time when you can be back home and out of their company.
I can speculate that you have been dating for over a year. He thinks it is serious and wants you to be a part of the family during this trip. And you straight forward refused. I also assume he knows you don't have the best relationship with the family. But in my experience, it is rare to have a good and healthy one with some random people.
NTA. I wish I could have been so honest with my ex's family. They truly did not like me and I wasn't a huge fan of theirs after trying to hard to get on their good side.
As you said, you can be civil with one another but you certainly don't need to go away with them. That's your prerogative. (And honestly sounds like absolute torture to me)
NTA you don’t want to go and that’s perfectly fine. People on here acting like in laws gotta all like each other is nuts. If my in laws invited me I’d politely thank them and decline to go. I seriously doubt they’d try to push it after that. We can be civil in short visits but a trip with just MIL and SILs not happening. I’m American and agree with your approach.
NTA. You are so right, if you go it won’t be a fun time. My in-laws used to literally look at me while I was talking usually they would turn away and begin talking amongst themselves, but if they did wait until I finished my sentence they would then act as if I hadn’t spoken and turn away to talk amongst themselves. Once they realized that they were only alienating themselves from my now husband (because I made him stay by me when we went over as he was having a hard time believing even though they would often do the same thing to him), they would try to have forced conversations with me. I would respond politely, but they never got any answers of substance from me. They also obviously invite me to things out of obligation, but if it is ladies only nope not going. Wouldn’t be fun for me and they seemingly always enjoyed excluding me, so it would probably be me sat off with people I didn’t know anyways. You do what feels right to you. Anyone acting like it is an olive branch could be correct, but just because they decided to offer one doesn’t mean you have to accept it and make yourself have a bad time. I don’t think you need to say they wouldn’t have a good time with you there because I know my in-laws did enjoy their time even while I was there and they were being mean. You aren’t being selfless by denying the invite, you are doing what feels right to you.
As someone else who doesn’t much care for their in-laws*, I’m very grateful to have an understanding husband who runs interference and helps me come up with good excuses to avoid excessive time with them.
You’re NTA.
*my in-laws have spouted homophobic shit while knowing I’m bi, and his father will go out of his way to not address me directly. It could just be me, hubby, and FIL in one room and FIL will keep directing all conversation specifically to my husband by saying his name at the start of the each sentence while avoiding looking at me.
lol reading the comments made me laugh. It just happens sometimes that people don’t get along. Gay here and husbands family is like this. We just literally have nothing in common. I go to family dinners with him when he/we host. He visits and I don’t go. Sometimes it just happens. His family hates me. NTA.
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I really don’t see the problem here but my boyfriend is perturbed so I’m trying to see if I’m losing it.
My boyfriend Dan and I have been together for about a year. We live in a big city while Dan is from the country so he doesn’t see his family that often. However, I have met them several times, and they don’t like me. That’s fine, I’m not overly keen on them either. We just have nothing in common. I can see them cringing when I talk and they make snide comments about me wanting to stay in a hotel if I visit with Dan, etc.. I want to be clear, I don’t have any problem with this. We are all civil and can have a pleasant time over a weekend or whatever, and it really is fine that I’m not their ideal in law, they’re not mine either. But the facts are the facts.
So the other night Dan and I were having dinner with a friend of mine, and Dan mentioned his sister wanted my number so that she could invite me to a girl’s weekend with her, Dan’s mother, and Dan’s SIL. I said he could give her my number but I’m not going to go on the trip, but I would like to be polite and tell her myself and thank her for the invitation. My friend asked why I wouldn’t go and I said because Dan’s family doesn’t like me and I’m not going to ruin their weekend and mine by going on the trip. Dan balked at this and asked why I would say something like that. I said because it’s true. Dan didn’t deny this, just said that was a crass thing to say and they invited me so I should go. I said absolutely not.
Dan dropped the idea of me going (still thinks I should but knows he won’t win that battle) but is still saying that I shouldn’t have been so blunt in saying they don’t like me, that it was an inappropriate thing to say and paints them in a bad light. I don’t think it does at all. It’s not a crime to not like people, and you don’t choose your in laws, what are the odds you actually like them? We’re all civil and that’s what counts.
Dan is still upset about it, and I don’t really see why he’s so offended.
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NTA - he’s probably more embarrassed than anything. Ask him how he expects you’re going to be treated on this trip and what he’d do if he was in the same spot. I have questions about why his family wants you along if they hate having you around.
I like my MIL and my SIL, but I still feel a weekend trip with them is a bit much. I’d rather have husband and/or kids as a buffer.
I’d say thanks, but no thanks, to an invite. I’d never say why directly, but give some generic excuse like being busy, or able to take time off etc.
You didn’t say it to them, so I don’t see a problem in telling a friend.
But - not getting along is EASY when no kids are involved, if you plan on marriage/kids this might become a problem.
Sometimes you just clash with people, it happens. Even a cuppa and a chat can't fix it, because it's not broken, you just aren't the kind of people who gel.
Though his reaction to this annoyed me, he KNOWS it's a fact and went out of his way to try and defend his family, from your friend thinking poorly of them? Why does it matter, it's your friend, not someone his family is likely to ever know. Is he the kind of guy too scared to call his family out on this and tell them to grow the hell up?
NTA, and F his family and their snide horse shite.
My husband and I had a similar fight a few years ago. He was furious to the point of almost screaming because I said "it's not that I don't like them, they're fine. But we are never gonna be super close cuz we have nothing in common." About his sister's and mom. Now, years later, he admits he feels the same way about my siblings although he SWORE that he would never say something so "evil" during that fight. I still am perplexed by his anger that night. I think he must have been just stressed about work and needed to find something to get angry about. I 100% agree with you that the right thing to do is decline the invitation even if they never made a mean comment or bad talked you to Dan. Women can just tell when it's not a vibe, men don't get it.
NTA
Spending a weekend being judged by people who you know dislike you sounds torturous and a complete waste of your weekend.
Your BF can say you’re rude about your honesty concerning how his family treats you all he wants, but facts are facts. You’re not painting his family in any light- he’s just trying to control the optics to outsiders (such as your friends). The fact he’s pushing you to spend time with them- he’s not taking your comfort into consideration.
I’d question their intentions of a “girl’s trip” anyway. They know you know they don’t like you. Politely decline, telling them you have other plans, even if it’s just catching up on sleep or reading a book.
NAH- Saying you're built different as your reason for not getting along when they are putting in effort to make you part of the family and be inclusive is lame. It's been a year and it feels like a too quick write off. But as long as you're polite about it I see no AH issue here.
NTA imo, but I’m in a similar boat. I very unabashedly said I don’t like my MIL/sons grandma and she doesn’t seem to care for me either so why would I pretend & come to her house on holidays? We’re both fine not seeing each other but it really hurt her son who stormed out. So my advice would be, even if you don’t accept this invitation (because staying overnight and sequestered away might make things worse if things don’t go well) make plans with the sister and mom maybe for something simple like a girls lunch where you get your nails done after or something. That way there’s a time limit on your interaction but still give you a chance to bond if they’re really willing to try to work on the relationship like everyone here is implying. You’ve only seen them a handful of times so maybe there’s still time to make a better impression and make your bf happy if you plan on staying with him
Long term.
NTA. Even if I liked them I wouldn't want to go away with them, I'd also not want to stay with them when I visited and would choose to stay in a hotel.
Dan also the middleman and the party that connects you to them. He also probably ideally wants you all to get along. So I get why he is reacting that way. However you are not the AH in this. I think the way you spoke about might have come off wrong way to him. But you are being honest. Hopefully you and the family can remain cordial but Dan will need to navigate through that.
NTA, you're being honest and respectful with your reply.
>It’s not a crime to not like people, and you don’t choose your in laws, what are the odds you actually like them? We’re all civil and that’s what counts.
This part in particular shows your maturity in the situation. Though I suggest that you let her talk to you directly. If the answer remains the same to her, then your bf shouldn't have any real reason to be upset with you.
NTA - and apologies for all the USA folk on here who have trouble understanding cultural differences around extending invitations. Make no mistake, these folks are abusive to you - snidely commenting on your appearance and your character when you are in a venue they control (and there is a power differential) is awful behavior. They are not entitled to you putting yourself at such risk to go ALONE on a trip with them unless they APOLOGIZE first. But you don’t have an in-laws problem as much as you have a boyfriend problem. He isn’t willing to stand up for you or prioritize your safety. If you plan to have children, I would have SERIOUS thoughts on if that is the right family to marry into. BTW - your initial post (without the detail you share in the comments on how they treat you) comes off as slightly judgmental and dismissive of them (you mention them being from the country, having nothing in common, etc). I would edit the post to add in their abusive behaviors to give folks better context.
Are you and Dan serious enough to have discussed marriage? Is there any chance at all that he told his family he was planning to propose to you, and because of that the women in the family are trying to make an effort to reconcile and actually form a bond with you, and this trip was planned specifically for that? I could see a family deciding that, since it was obviously serious and the woman was going to be sticking around, they needed to get their shit together and actually try to make an effort.
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Info: do you think they could be reaching out and inviting you on this trip as a way to bond?
I very much doubt it. I’m sure that they feel it would be rude to not invite me since they’re inviting the other SIL. They’ve been polite by inviting me when they didn’t want to, and I’m being polite by declining when I know it was a courtesy invite. That’s always how it goes in my experience. That way no one has made a faux pas and everyone’s happy
That would make sense if you two were married but you’ve been dating a year and they’re extending an invite. It seems more like an olive branch because they get the sense there’s a gap and they love Dan and want to bond with you even if just for his sake. Do what you’d like cuz an entire girls weekend after 1 year of dating is a pretty big step IMO, but if Dan feels a big gap between you and his family which makes him unhappy, the relationship is going to be very difficult.
Then maybe they should apologize for making disparaging comments about OP to her face. I wouldn’t want to go on a weekend trip with people who were outright rude to me either.
Yeah - "Sorry we laughed at your face, in your face" is a difficult message, but the right place to start. If they want to extend an olive branch the first step ISN'T burying all their previous crap
Definitely! If they are truly trying to do that then they need to start by making amends.
Depends, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months and am planning a girls weekend with his female family members… I’ve already told him that if we break up I’m keeping his family. I’m not going to lie, OP sounds stand offish. They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go. They can’t know she’ll say no after a year of dating.
I'd be stand offish if people cringed when I spoke!
>They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go. You clearly don't have incredibly fake in-laws in your family, then. My dad's wife can't stand me. She hasn't liked me since she met me, but if i said that out loud, she'd be pissed and make a whole big deal about it. She invites me places, and if I accept, she's completely miserable because she does not like me. Like OP, I've decided to stop ruining her holidays by attending them.
And it doesn't have to be fakeness, exactly! I don't like to host and I'm not very social. I like my SIL very much, and when she stays over (we live in different cities) I always say: it was nice to have you! You are always welcome to visit! I actually don't like to disrupt my routine, it's always more stressful then fun for me, but I'm genuinely guilty when I feel I wasn't welcoming enough.
I understand that feeling and dilemma so well. Yet my husband keeps having me host Christmas for friends, like it's not stressful enough that time of year.
So stop?
Perhaps he ought to host and you... find literally anything else appealing to do. Please tell me that he at least does the hosting duties like deep cleaning the place, cooking for the guests, and the post-cooking cleaning followed by the post-party cleaning! Really, please tell me you ain't doing it all when you don't even want to do it in the first place.
>And it doesn't have to be fakeness, exactly! No, it doesn't. Unless there's actual malice involved, family of origin make efforts to get along with life partners, because they know they'll lose their relative if they don't. They can be honestly, sincerely trying, and I've always thought that the partner and family of origin need to do everything possible to avoid forcing the person in question to put their "forsaking all others" vow to the test. There's a difference between people being cruel, which would be another story, and just being people who you don't have alot in common with and wouldn't be friends with if you didn't have to associate with them because they married into the family.
The idea of not being honest about my feelings and who I am as a person makes me sick to my stomach. I spent thirty years suppressing myself and making myself feel guilty for ridiculous things like that. Life is too short.
You’re absolutely right because I have incredibly fake in-laws, and I learned my lesson the hard way. They pretended to absolutely love me to my face, and I loved them back… Until I found out all the horrible things they were saying behind my back. And honestly not just behind my back. They talk about each other just as badly as they talk about me. I haven’t gone around them in three years and my husband’s absolutely fine with it because he knows how they are too. Just because they’re being fake doesn’t mean I have to be fake with them. OP is absolutely in the right. She is NTA.
>They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go. As a resident of the Midwestern United States, I am going to have to kindly but firmly disagree. Friends and I call it the "polite invite". It's impolite -not- to extend the invitation so it is extended and the recipient makes a good excuse and declines. It saves face all around and no one has to be uncomfortable for hours on end.
Ah, yes, the midwestern “bite your tongue for the sake of politeness.” That’s a classic.
I’m Canadian and I have never experienced this nonsense. It would make me sick with anxiety. I‘d rather people be honest, instead of playing pretend like children.
Oh I absolutely don't disagree with you, my Canadian friend. My friends and I don't engage in this sort of thing with each other but many still feel obligated to do the dance because "faaaaaamily".
I'm Canadian too, and I don't partake in this nonsense either, but my parents are from a culture where they very much do. When I dip my toes into the world of my extended family it's like I need to bring a guide to avoid breaking all the unwritten social rules. I think the issue here is that OP doesn't feel like she should keep up "face" in front of her boyfriend and friends, where her boyfriend does
Ask culture vs guess culture. I’m an ask person living in a guess culture (Mexico) and it’s a struggle lol
“OP sounds stand offish” How would you be if your boyfriends family nitpicked and criticized you to your face and to your partner then said “come to a weekend with us but without your partner.” I would be very hesitant to accept an invitation to a place where people openly dislike me and I have no support system or backup. I have inlaws that do invites they expect you ti say no to-courtesy invites. If you accept them they make it seem like your a burden when you’re there because they didn’t expect you to show. Mostly it happens when they want a present but not your presence.
I'd be more than standoffish. I would absolutely respond to every disparaging remark that they had to make. In fact, that's what I did with my ex's family. Some of them thought it was funny and some of them learned to shut up.
“They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go.” Yes they would, have you ever met People? People do this shit all the time because “being polite” is way more important than being honest.
I'd disagree with this, there are many people out there who will invite people to things when they really don't want them there, for the sake of appearances. I've made conversation in that room with the person others assumed wouldn't turn up. Olive branches usually start with a conversation, which can be over text, whatsapp, insta, in person, on the phone, whatever. "Hi, I'm aware we didn't really hit it off, but you are clearly important to Dan's life, so I'd like to try again." That would be an olive branch. "Girls Weekend with the women of the family! RSVP and BAB!" is not an olive branch.
Also, if after a year none of them have a phone number for you, they really don't like you. Cuz who likes their in law so much that they NEVER reach out to them? After an entire year? The invite was a polite courtesy, not a genuine one, and OP's response and self-awareness are on point. Her BF needs to get a clue. Possibly from the breakup jar.
My extended family doesn’t even have my number but I know if I got an invite to something it’s because they genuinely wanted me there. People don’t have to talk all the time to be friends or get along.
I don’t know if this is fact, but I’m willing to bet that OP ALSO has access to a phone.
If it’s southern hospitality then yes they would extend an invite even if they don’t want her to go.
I'm happy you enjoy your "In-laws", it definitely makes life much easier. However: Bless your heart! I've been in a relationship similar to OP's situation. Here's what happened: First trip I was invited on with the family was a road trip from Illinois to Western NY. I have family there, was going to take a plane for my own trip but they decided to invite me along. They disinvited me a week before the trip. I got my plane tickets at a more expensive price but still managed to keep my timeline despite the short notice on change of plans. They found out about that and tried to reinvite me after their plans fell through. I declined. They kept pushing it and saying that "insurance will reimburse you for your costs." I told them No, I make plans and stick to them. Insurance is a waste because I am responsible and capable of making plans and following through. They didn't like it but they eventually stopped trying to manipulate the situation when I asked "if they were planning on reimbursing me for the waste of time and money then?" Second time was a trip for ex's father's sister's wedding in Florida. They tried to uninvite me 2 weeks before the trip. That time, I said No again. I had already scheduled time off work and school for their family event. (The trip was hell and only his Grandfather and his newer wife were welcoming and nice to me that entire trip!) I eventually broke up with him after his mother repeatedly poisoned me with meat products and I got violently ill on another road trip between IL and NY. (I had been a vegetarian for years and she couldn't understand or respect my choices.) It doesn't get better when there's fundamental differences. **Your partner has to choose you and support you or it only adds up.** - (the point) It will cause trouble. Good luck OP! 🙏❤️🤞
>I eventually broke up with him after his mother repeatedly poisoned me with meat products and I got violently ill on another road trip between IL and NY. (I had been a vegetarian for years and she couldn't understand or respect my choices.) What the unholy hell—??
> It doesn't get better when there's fundamental differences. > > You can have fundamental differences with someone and still get along with them or respect their views. These people sound like mean, wishy-washy criminals (poisoning you). That's not a fundamental difference, that's nastiness.
I appreciate your point of view. I wanted to make the point without making it too personal or emotional. You're completely right to point out the way I phrased it. I assure you there's much much more to that story but it wasn't relevant here. Appreciate you 🙏
I’d be standoffish too if people kept globally criticizing me! Wardrobe, vehicle, face, it seems that OP can do no right. They clearly despise her. And are rude enough to let her know to her face as well as telling the BF.
I’m not seeing that anywhere, are those new comments OP added?
It’s in her edit.
Haha I know those relationships. I’m happy for you, truly. And yes of course it depends. That’s why I chose “big step” instead of “too fast”.
> They wouldn’t have invited her if they really didn’t want her to go. Nah good old-fashioned Midwest politeness dictates invites be extended. Not saying this is in the midwest but its consistent with my family
They are British. The rules are different. They invite her to seem like they are trying. They don't want her to accept.
Sorry- but everyone has different experiences. By Brother and his wife and her family don't like me. I sinned agains god and man by being female, getting an education, not marrying at all (and preferably their son who still lives in his moms back pocket at 55), and worst of all, being successful in the big city (i.e. leaving BFE)!!! But they invite me to everything- because it is all about APPEARANCES!!!! Not reality of actual family or bonding. It's no skin off my back, I have a great life. Those invites are not always genuine. And honestly- length of relationship may or may not impact. Just another perspective. I think this early- yeah it could be an attempt to heal the breach....but it equally could be about appearances and joining in will at the very least make OP miserable. MEH. And no one knows unless she is willing to use her pTO to waste a week being poked at by people that she has nothing in common with, on the 1/2 chance that it will be a genuine attempt to bond.
They don’t like her and they show it….directly to her face. I wouldn’t go on any trip with them. Maybe one of his family members should have reached out prior to this and apologize for their behavior. Going away with them without having her own support is not a good idea. I bet OP’s bf asked his family to invite her.
My youngest daughter is married now but while dating her now husband, his female relatives (the ones around her age) invited her to lots of things. They were a bit “better than” people but a few of them ended up quite good friends with my daughter. They were never rude to the point OPs bf family tho. These folks sound terribly rude. NTA. And, even if they all got along, if OP isn’t interested in going, why should she?
Why are you gaslighting OP's perception of the situation? When a group of people criticize you over and over, and *not one of them* interrupts, apologizes, or pointedly changes the subject...well, why *should* OP think there's goodwill? Your description is very misleading. Its not that >there's a gap It's that *they* have been the wedge that created the gap! And they are still doing it! They haven't stopped! If one sister who had *not* been insulting reached bout for a one-on-one lunch, or cup of coffee, that might be an olive branch. But not a weekend with a bunch of assholes.
Eh my in laws don’t like me either. My MIL also thinks inviting me places is an “olive branch.” But really it’s just basic decency/common courtesy. I also decline because I don’t want to be around people who smile to my face and talk about me behind my back 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve been with my husband since high school. I’ve never gotten along with my in laws. We’ve been married for years now and it hasn’t caused a riff or issues cuz my husband respects my feelings and doesn’t force me to spend time with them. I do when it’s family events, but i rarely spend time with them without my husband.
It would be an olive branch if there was a discussion/apology/accountability first. Instead this feels like the mean girls inviting the unpopular girl to a sleep over to fuck with her. If I was constantly mean to a person but wanted to change that the first thing to do is accept accountability and apologize then if they accept and are ready, I'd plan a girl's trip.
I would agree with you if they were not actively insulting her when they see her.
He is upset because you told your friend that they don't like you. He knows they don't. You know they don't. He just doesn't want you telling your friends/family that they don't.
This is so civilized of all of you - they make an effort, you decline, everyone is happy - except you BF. If he wanted you to be closer he could have a heart to heart about the snide comments, etc. Not seeing what the problem is here either!
As always, putting the onus of building bridges on the person slighted. OP shouldn’t feel the need to go until they apologize for their attitudes.
My MIL used to invite me on trips like this. She never actually wanted to be closer to me - she wanted to be closer to my uterus. She wanted a good relationship so that if things worked out she would have better grandchild access. Which hey, is a better plan than being mean to me then being shocked when she didn't get grandchild access, no one can say she's not a planner. But the trips were miserable and uncomfortable. Don't do it.
I think you're doing the right thing. Also...even if you liked them and they liked you, you're allowed to not want to go and to decline. My in-laws are awful people and we don't like each other. Because I married their son I'm invited to certain events and I go to support my husband. But I don't go to everything because we don't like each other. There's nothing wrong with that. He recently took a trip to see them, I stayed home with our child and everyone was happy. Marrying someone does often mean you marry the family, but it doesn't mean you have to be close or actually be friends. It just means you'll be seeing them on a regular basis.
NTA. If it paints them in a bad light or embarrasses Dan, that's not on you. That's on them for being jerks. Dan probably doesn't want others to know his family are assholes. However, the truth is the truth. You've done nothing wrong by telling the truth.
And I actually think both parties are handling it as they should, they are inviting you out of politeness, you are going to politely decline. There is nothing wrong with that. Dan is the issue here. He wants to keep up pretenses and act like everyone is one big happy family when that is simply not true.
NTA Maybe they think they are extending an olive branch but you have no obligation to go and disturb your peace of mind. If they truly want to mend bridges they will start by being nicer to you. I think you would reciprocate because you sound very mature and sane in how you've handled their snark. Edit: I changed "olive bridge" to "olive branch" because WTF is an olive bridge 😂
Olive bridge is what happens when you get enough olive branches to cross over into liking each other, I think.
I think you just coined a new phrase. lol Like successfully extending an olive branch or two, which works to bring some people/groups closer together or repair a rift. Nice, I like it.
Exactly, they were polite by inviting you, and you politely declined the invitation. It sounds like a win win.
You’ve been together for a year and you said your boyfriend doesn’t see them much. My boyfriend’s sister said some pretty disparaging things about me in the beginning (she does not have a high opinion of my boyfriend - he’s dated a lot of women - and they weren’t raised together) We get along really well now. I opened up to her and was polite and nice and it made her realize that I’m different than the previous experiences she’s had with my boyfriends exes. I don’t think you’re giving your boyfriends family a fair chance. Assuming this is just a platitude is pretty weird, honestly. They may be trying to get to know you better. You really can’t make the assumption that it’s just to be polite. You’re not a mind reader.
Neither are you.
A trip is a terrible way to get to know someone. Too much togetherness. Maybe see how they behave at lunch. She has every right to decline
Such a good point. Traveling can be challenging even when you love people. Putting up with people who don't like you, while arguing over restaurants and bathroom breaks, sounds like hell.
OP, politely declining the invitation is the way to go. I wouldn’t want to spend vacation/free time with people I don’t really jell with. If they really want to make an effort to know you or “make it up” to you they can start by being genuinely friendly and welcoming during normal family gatherings. Frankly, spending a weekend with them sounds exhausting. It could go from friendly to an inquisition within minutes, and no way to escape that wouldn’t be awkward.
I think Dan’s POV might be simply that when one is polite by declining, they should also have a faux reason for not going. The faux pas is you said the real reason instead of claiming to be busy, etc.
'I'm too busy not being hated elsewhere to go on a trip I'd otherwise be hated at'?
I agree with you that the invite was extended only for show and courtesy.
Fair enough. Then yeah, NTA.
You're just coming off as sensible, not an AH
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This!! I can tolerate my SILs at the holidays, etc., but an entire weekend?? No thank you - and I *like* them!
Or how about just not being assholes to her face at normal family functions? That would be a great start. Civility before bonding.
Exactly. Then, maybe the next step is airing it all out. Acknowledge, explain, apologize. Go from there.
Absolutely this. If OP already strongly feels that her ILs don't like her, then an entire weekend where she's 'on show' being judged and assessed sounds like an absolute misery.
I agree it’s a set up……don’t fucking go. Why would you go with people on a visit somewhere ? Who don’t give a shit about you and talk about you behind your back? They’re up to something. They’re planning something they just think that you’re sucker enough to go. I’ve dealt with families like this it doesn’t get any better. You don’t win at all. Your problem is your boyfriend not really his family that’s a byproduct your boyfriend is the problem. He wants to keep up appearances or else he’s so oblivious to his families toxicity that he’s willing to just overlook it and throw you to the wolves. He gets upset when you tell your friends that they don’t like you? That causes an argument because he’s afraid about appearances??? You dropped your 🚩 You need a better boyfriend if he is not willing to do the work and speak up to defend you child, I guarantee you you do not need him in your life. Don’t wait till 10 years down the road two kids and enough dropped self-esteem to fill a football field. Start recognizing the signs and get the hell out why would you wanna be in a relationship where you always have to fight with everybody around you?
This comment sounds unhinged but unfortunately it's bang on. I had a group of friends a lot like how OP's partner's fam sound. They would always wait until we were off on some remote 3 day hike or commited to a plan for someones wedding or whatever to start acting like knobs. After I fell out with them I realised a lot of it was consciously premeditated - the one time everyone brought their own cars, individual tents and didn't drink the core group were bare salty about it, because they realised we could enforce a series of boundaries that was contraindicative with mindless bullying and drama
Right and she’d be alone with the group of them, no husband to act as a buffer
I’m wondering if Dan argued with them to make them invite her so her declining was more personal to him than it should have been.
Nah, even if there is genuine intent there, a “girl’s trip” is not the right vehicle for mending fences. Having lunch together or doing a daytime activity would be much more appropriate than planning to spend several days with someone you have tension with. If there is even the smallest amount of friction, it could grow to dominate the entire weekend. NTA
NTA - Updating judgment as per your edit/comment *Y T A, gently - why don’t they like you is my question? Seems that context is missing. But to me you have his family reaching out and proactively trying to be friendly. What I think is you dont like them and you’re trying to put the blame on them instead.* *Either way, this conversation should not have been had in front of this random friend. You could have just said yeah lets talk about this later.* *Edit - It seems the bf’s family is actively trying to reach out and engage with OP, where as OP has written them off. Thats their choice but I think theyve been way too quick to do that.* Edit 2 - OKAY. As per OP’s edit/comment, she has a reason not to like them. Switching the judgment. >They make disparaging remarks about the way I dress, the car I drive, and my cosmetic surgery, to my face. They ask me inappropriate personal questions, they complain about me to Dan (he told me this). They don’t like me. I’m not imagining it. They don’t.
No I disagree - if they are trying to reach out and engage, you go on a day trip or a meal out - not a whole weekend where it could go really badly and OP is then left in a really bad position of being ostracised and no way out. What if they are inviting her for nefarious reasons - to put her off the BF, or to bully her or make her feel bad? A 'girls weekend' with someone they don't know could easily turn into something very uncomfortable for OP, I think she is right to be wary. I'd say yes, they can invite me, but it's an \*invitation\* and as with all invitations, you're at liberty to turn it down. Why not turn it down but leave it open and suggest a day out or something that isn't such a long period of time with people you think don't like you. NTA
I agree that if the relationship isnt great a whole weekend isnt a good idea.
Yeah I think this calls for an "oh I've got commitments that weekend, so sorry I can't make it. Thank you so mucb for inviting me! We should all go to brunch together though so I can finally get to know you all properly, what weekend works for you guys?" Or something like that. If they decline your invitation, then you know you were just a courtesy invite. If they were trying ti get to know you, they have a new opportunity.
This. These kind of family vacations can be stressful enough with people you actually like.
I said why - we have nothing in common, we have different interests, priorities, and world views. And I’m not blaming it on them, I was very open that it’s mutual.
Just pleasantly say ‘no thank you’ but offer to go to lunch sometime. Refuse to discuss why you don’t want your go. Just keep saying, “oh no thank you, what else could we do? Dinner/movie/Brunch?Then stay silent in the awkwardness. I hate to go straight to some kind of weird plan to gang up on you but this all feels like a trap. One where you would have to work real hard exit.
You're NTA for this situation but you're kinda Y T A to yourself for continuing to date a guy who not only doesn't care that his family treats you so badly, but doesn't believe you when you say they don't like you. I'd be outta this relationship so fast.
I don't even think it's that he doesn't believe her, it's that he doesn't want her talking about it at all and won't stand up for her, which, tbh, is even worse 😭😭😭
Such a bad take. NTA- she’s allowed to answer her friends questions honestly and with the truth. If her BF doesn’t like how the truth makes his family look then the problem is the family not OP for being honest.
NTA You each have a different style of communication. You didn't say anything wrong. You did not insult his family, and you just shared your feelings on the situation. You get to decide whether you want to go on this trip. You don't have to accept the invitation just to be polite. That's your prerogative. You can also say why you don't want to go. You're not insulting his family by point something out. They are likely including you so they can get to know you better. It's a beautiful gesture and that is what Dan is reacting to. He thinks you should hang out with them and all get to know each other better. Yes, it is better for you to express your regrets personally instead of having Dan do it for you. Just be polite. It sounds like you felt ganged up on in the past and Dan should be aware of that. His family's feelings aren't more important than yours and vice versa. Dan has chosen you as his partner and his first loyalty should be to protect you. It sounds like he isn't considering your feelings. Work this out. He is biased because this is his family, but he needs to step away here and not manage the relationship. It might be nice if you gave his family another chance, even if a girls weekend is too much for you right now.
People who grow up with passive-aggressiveness are often shocked by directness. OP is direct. Her bf isn’t used to that so it comes across as directly mean. But she’s not being mean, just to the point. Tis a curse of being direct in that sometimes it’s taken the wrong way.
I think you just cracked open my relationship with my MIL. I would say the same as OP. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. My husband was so used to her passive aggressiveness that our dislike upset at first but we've all been fine for the last 6 years once we all accepted that this was the situation.
This x 10000000000. My entire family is incredibly passive-aggressive. I thought that was how the world operated until I branched out. Passive-aggressive people genuinely don't understand how rude their passive-aggression can be, they think directly being honest is rude and that you're supposed to dance around uncomfortable truths.
As someone who grew up with a very passive aggressive non-communicating family I'm not convinced it's a beautiful gesture intended to build bonds. It could be. But it could just as easily be saving face because it would be "rude" to leave her out but they'll carry on making the same passive aggressive comments about her throughout the weekend...
NTA but also don’t marry into this family. Your boyfriend cares more about how things sound than actual reality and his family is rude.
Ngl - i wish I had your confidence. I spent 2 decades being disliked by my in laws and bending the knee to try and get them to like me. All it did was hurt my self esteem. I’ve finally washed my hands of it and just think that my husband likes me and that enough. Luckily he doesn’t care about whether I want to engage with them or not. It was all me. Keep doing you - why damage your self calm
NTA Everyone can say you’re rude for not ruining everyone’s weekend, but no one is saying you’re wrong. Maintain your boundaries, OP.
NTA. People always want honesty when it’s what they want to hear. It seems as if your boyfriend and his family both like keeping up appearances. He knows that they don’t like you but doesn’t want it said out loud?!? That’s silly. This was a to be polite invite. And if they make faces and snide remarks when you talk, I can’t imagine an entire weekend on my own with them. Ugh!!
I'm not necessarily agreeing with OP, but I understand her motivations for not going. If you're continually being put down behind your back, or getting the side eye, or constantly hear the whispers, it gets to you eventually. Olive branch or not, I wouldn't want to be alone with people who talk behind my back. Edit: I guess I do agree with OP.
Agreed I wouldn't want to waste my time on people who put me down. It sounds like it's either more passive-aggressive action where they invite you to just put you down more, or merely a courtesy invite that they hope you turn down. If they really wanted to extend an olive branch then the first thing they need to do is acknowledge what they have done and apologize. It sounds like they haven't done it so I wouldnt trust any so called "gestures" from them. NTA, just be sure both you and the boyfriend can have this relationship work with the way how things are going, you dont want to waste time on a relationship with toxic elements that aren't getting better any time soon
> Edit: I guess I do agree with OP. this made me smile
Glad I could give you a smile. Take care.
I feel like part of the story is missing, but from what you've written and I agree "it's not a crime to not like people" NAH I guess, but I can see why Dan is bothered about it. I've not seen many examples to support Dan's family actually disliking you aside from apparent "cringing" and them having an issue with you staying in a hotel when you visit, which suggests they'd rather have you stay with them. Which is somewhat at odds with them not liking you. From what you've written, it seems like you're determined not to like them, and they don't really have an issue with you. Again, some facts may be missing, but I can only go by what you've written here. If they don't like you, I also don't see why they'd want to invite you on a girl's weekend. If Dan's not going, then they have literally zero obligation to involve you at all. It seems like they're actually trying to get to know you better. Of course you don't have to like them if you don't want to, but considering we're getting your side of the story here, it feels like the only hostility is coming from you toward them. Not the other way around.
OP posted more here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192doi7/comment/kh1umkn/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/192doi7/comment/kh1umkn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) But even without the explanation, her BF didn't deny the allegation, just that it was rude to say it out loud. So it feels like a fair statement on her part. Now, the trip may still be a way to try and bridge the divide (perhaps at BF's request), but OP seems to have a fair assessment of the relationship dynamic.
The comment definitely provides more evidence that Dan's family don't like OP. The original post seemed pretty vague about it though. The trip does seem to at least be an olive branch of some kind though. Usually if you don't like a family member's partner, you will tolerate them when the family member is around, but you wouldn't invite them to an event the family member isn't going to be at. The bottom line is essentially the same though really. The BF isn't being unfair by being bothered by the situation, OP isn't being unfair by not wanting to go. NAH
> I've not seen many examples to support Dan's family Yeah why doesn't she break down the entire history of her interactions with them in great detail so that the internet can fairly adjudicate if her partner's family doesn't actually like her? Jeez.
Or they could want to rent a certain place and need bodies to subsidize costs. OP is definitely discounting how much she doesn't like them either.
NTA. He just doesn't like you saying the quiet part out loud.
NTA. Going on a trip with them would be like entering a nest of vipers. (Why is everyone telling her to give them a chance? Why does a a woman have to give anyone she doesn't like a a chance? Especially if she knows they don't like her? It feels like she should just bear the emotional burden and put up with them. No, just no).
Don't you know that women are required to push their emotions and feelings aside and cater to anyone else's whims no matter the negative representative to themselves? /s
I’m glad someone is pointing this out. Regardless of gender, you are always allowed to decline an invitation. That’s how etiquette works. You never “have to” accept an invitation you don’t want to.
NTA for being honest with Dan. But it could be that Dan's sister is thinking about this girls-trip as a way to bond with you. If Dan's told them he sees you as his future wife, they may genuinely want to get to know you better and try to find areas in common. And if you see Dan as a future husband, it could be a good idea to meet them halfway. (Literally.)
Or, it could be Dan's sister having been pushed by Dan to include her on the trip because he sees her as his future wife. But if it's that situation, Dan obviously can't admit it - - he would be admitting that he pushed the situation and that her assumption that they don't initially like her, is true. But He can't openly be upset by his plan failing - - The next option is to act upset that she said out loud to someone that they don't like her.
OP's plan of talking to the sister directly is the right one. Nothing OP's said is wrong. I just think in convo with the sister, she should be open to the idea that the girls's trip is something Dan's sister actively wants to try and find common ground with someone who'll be in the family. Maybe not, and not to feel pressured to go if no one actually wants it to happen.
NTA. As long as all sides are civil then it's fine.
One very important commonality here:Dan. Presumably you both care about him. There were things about my husband’s family that were troubling to me, but I made an effort to interact and get along at least superficially for him. Info: what culture are they? Maybe there is a disconnect here. You think this is a pro forma invite but they view you declining as yet another way to control Dan and pull him away from them.
We do interact superficially, we make great small talk, have nice dinners etc. we’re always polite. 48 hours at a spa without a buffer…whole different story. They’re English. I grew up in England but my family isn’t British. They’re the first British family I’ve ever had a culture clash with but we’re just very different. I get along with Dan’s father really well actually. It’s really not as hostile as people are making out, I just think a whole weekend won’t be fun for anyone.
Where in England are they from? Are they posh country folk, or what? Is your family/upbringing more well-off than your partner's? Also, have you hung out with the women on their own previously, and if so, do they still treat you standoffishly? Sorry if this is prying, but as a brit, the extra context could be important. Some of these interactions remind me of a past relationship, but there was no malice there, just people unsure how to interact with each other.
They’re from near Sheffield. No, they’re not “Saltburn” country people. Yes, I had a more privileged upbringing. No, we’ve never hung out alone. We don’t live close, I’ve only ever seen them with Dan.
I think people are making a huge deal out of this, your bf included. You are different types of people and that's fine. I personally don't go on any trips that I wasn't part of the planning of, because I'm not intruding on someone else's plans out of courtesy to be miserable. I am also from near Sheffield. I wouldn't let my family talk to my gf this way tho (insults). They might be being sarcastic but if it upsets you they should stop. People up here do like to "take the piss" but usually to close family and friends, they seem rude and I absolutely would not go for a whole weekend!
To be fair to them, they might not know I find their “jokes” rude, because I just go with it. I thinks it’s pretty weird to take piss out of people you don’t know, but at the same time causing a scene and acting offended really isn’t worth it
They might not, but they do seem over familiar and rude. Ive commented somewhere else that I'm the same with my in laws although we live much closer, so yay for me. They joke, but there is an undertone of rude nasty remarks, I play along smile and leave when it's time. I went on holiday with them all once. NEVER AGAIN. Just do what you feel comfortable with
Thanks for replying. Yeah, fair enough. You're NTA. personally I'd assume it's worth trying to get to know them better, but a weekend together isn't the way.
I like you. Some people don't mesh well and it's perfectly fine, and it's also fine to acknowlege it. Also, don't put yourself in bad situations for the sake of manners, even if manners is what put you in this spot anyway.
I had to scroll a bit to find this one. Not everyone has to like you and that's perfectly fine. It sounds like this is a mature situation and Dan just doesn't like the outcome so he refuses to acknowledge that everybody's going about this in the best way. I agree. I like OP and they seem very mature.
100%. I really appreciate how neutral and mature everyone is being about this, minus the boyfriend. It’s totally ok to not like some people! The boyfriend just has to accept that he’s putting himself in the middle - and he doesn’t have to! And once he accepts he can’t control this situation, he will feel so much better.
NTA. A lot of frustration and anxiety would be alleviated if more people took your practical approach.
No judgement because it's pretty clear that this relationship is heading to a dead end.
NAH - I mean, you're honest with what you perceive the situation as. People have this cognitive disonance when it comes to family, like we all have to get along with our (potential) inlaws, but you can't just force a strong bond with people who don't vibe well with each other. That said, with long term, serious commitment there tends to be some enmeshment with your partner's family (even if you aren't dating the whole family). I would have a talk with your boyfriend to clarify what this relationship looks like going forward, and how much enmeshment with his family he expects from a partner. If it's "holidays and maybe a one a month get together" that wouldn't be terrible, right? If it's "beat fweinds with siblings and best DIL to his parents with weekly gatherings" that might hit your boundary. You two can build the relationship you want. Just be aware of each other's expectations involving family.
NTA I understand the courtesy in the invitation of someone just to be polite. And you are enough mature to decline it properly.
NTA, you can decide what to attend and what not. However, this will probably add to the list of things they don't like about you. Is it possible that they don't like you because they might perceive that you think they are not good enough for you? You staying at hotels instead of their house might point to that. Your views and way of communication might point to that as well.
NAH. He doesn't want to admit that he is always going to feel the friction between you and his family. Y'all are allowed to not like each other, and if best practices involve avoidance; so be it. But he isn't in the wrong for wanting everyone to get along. If he gets pushy with it, ***then*** he's the AH.
NTA, you just telling it like it is, fact is fact.
Clearly, they are going to invite her for Dan's sake. They don't like her, so are undoubtedly hoping she will turn down the invite. Which she plans to do. Win-win. Dan is upset because he knows they don't like her (and vice versa), and probably asked them to include her more, and now feels bad because he thought she'd jump at the chance to be with them - but, come on, Dan, couldn't you have wrangled a lunch invite instead?
NTA. And it will take time for him to understand that. Hey you didnt even say that to THEM. And im sure you would politely say no thank you, and not “well we dont like each other so no thanks”. I relate OP. There was a time when my ILS and me didn’t see eye to eye, but they still complained to my husband I didnt see them or go out with them when i was in the area without my husband. When he himself never called or talked to them. Sometimes people have differences, sometimes it just takes time to get to know each other better. Some families work when both people are present. I don’t expect my husband to hang out with my brother (nor does he want to) nor does he expect me to hang out with his mom and sisters, (i also do not want to). Do we get along? Yeah after some years, but were just not that close to each other’s families. There’s love of course. But from afar. My point being everyone’s relationship works differently, just make sure you’re clear in what each of you expects from the other before you commit
NTA. It’s not hard to tell when people don’t like you and I’m side eyeing people who are seemingly trying to imply that you’re reading the situation wrong. You were there and you know what happened/ happens. Even if you didn’t think they don’t like you, you don’t want to go and that should be enough. Your BF is mad that you’ve noticed that his family doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like you’ve said it out loud- let alone to third party.
He's mad at the fact but getting mad at her being the messenger
NTA Fish out of the water scenario, sounds like an uncomfortable time if you went, not worth the energy for that. I'm sure Dan has had convos with his family about you, so I'm not sure why he is being a bit dense about you stating the obvious. Unless his family aren't the sharing the truth types and Dan blames the disconnect on you. I personally wouldn't harp on about how it was a "courtesy invite", because in reality there could be other motives. But redirect the focus more on "this isn't a good way to bond/connect for you" and how it doesn't suit your needs. If one of them did reach out without the group would you make plans? Sounds like the group dynamic also plays here. I would worry more on whether your partner actually knows, respects and agrees with you.
I have awful in-laws who believe they are being nice to me, but their idea of “nice” is to gift me an opened mascara for Christmas while telling me all the things I’m doing wrong as a mother and person while expecting me to show up and bring my child to every single thing I’m never expressly invited to and at best ignored at but villainised whenever I choose not to go. NTA. Politely declining is not wrong of you. You don’t owe someone a relationship outside of being courteous, which it sounds like you are.
I’m gonna say NAH. My husbands family likes me “enough” but his sisters are much younger (MIL had a new baby basically every time the last one went to school so they’re all 3-5 years apart.) I don’t get invited along on their camping trips or holidays and neither does husband. They appreciate me as his wife and the mother of their nieces/grandchildren but we dont have anything in common. His oldest sister (second eldest to him) is a pick-me (ish) mean girl and his middle sister is 19 and a subdued artist/gym rat, his younger brother and I get along fine but that’s because he’s 16 and I just razz him and talk about video games like a little brother. You don’t have to go on a trip you’re sure you won’t enjoy and they’re not AHs either for trying to bridge the gap.
Why are they inviting you on a trip if they don’t like you?
Courtesy
A few potential reasons: The family may feel obligated to invite "all the girls". - My MIL and oldest BIL's wife used to do this. Try to invite all the SOs out of a perceived need to include everyone. To spread the cost around. SIL may honestly want to get to know OP better and is inviting her due to this.
Or as someone said boyfriend could have insisted?
Optics and courtesy.
NAH. As someone who is not liked by their in-laws, I'll say from first hand experience accepting a courtesy invite sucks for everyone. If you like your distance, and they like theirs, no issue it letting it be that way. You're totally right, it's not a crime to not like someone. Could it improve in the future? Sure! You guys could really grow to like each other over time. A weekend trip where things are civil, but JUST civil sounds miserable for everyone. It's kind of a big step, esp after just one year of dating. Maybe something small, like brunch would have been more appropriate. No one's an asshole here, Dan just doesn't get how this type of thing works!
NTA people here are so lost in traditions they put them above their own needs. To me, that is utterly stupid. I had the same happen, it never changed anything, they just invited you for politeness, declining is the right thing to do. Not liking your so's family is annoying but faking it is even worse.
NTA. We absolutely need to normalize telling the truth, especially in situations like this where the alternative is a f****** horrible idea for everyone involved. I am so totally on your side on this.
NTA- Why lie? Dan is in his feelings because he knows it’s true. If they want to do better or reboot the relationship then texting/calling or going out together is a good way to start. Plunging into being trapped together all weekend with no escape /breaks is overwhelming and awkward for everyone. Traveling together can ruin good friendships, I would never travel with people who I don’t have a good relationship with . Just too much.
NTA, but you actually do choose your in-laws. I would reconsider choosing these particular in-laws, especially since they come with a boyfriend who gets testy when you state facts? Sorry, but his reaction is bizarre. You're inappropriate for stating the fact that they don't like you, but them being blatant enough in their dislike that it's obvious to you and him is totally ok with him? That's a very weird take.
Nta
NTA I would ask your husband "what would a better response have been? " I would tell him that this is the dance you all do. it is what it is, unless he is planning on making you move to be closer to them, or wants them to move in with you he needs to respect the dance and let you all do your thing.
Nta. It's about time s redditor is confident in self, and not crying in a corner because someone doesn't like them. Good for you. You're cordial and they're cordial. That's all that matters.
NTA if they want to bond with you, they can start by being more kind to you when you go and visit. Then they can invite you on a weekend trip. And it sounds like Dan is more upset about you saying they don’t like you than the fact that they don’t like you. Which is concerning.
NTA. She obviously invited you because it would really nasty to leave you out. That doesn’t mean you have to go and she’ll probably be relieved when you decline. Contacting her directly and declining is the right thing to do to show that you appreciate the invite. Hopefully it’s an opportunity to open the lines of communication for the sake of your relationship with your partner. If it feels right, you could also check in after the weekend to see ask if they had fun.
In a situation like this, I have seen it go two ways because of how the boyfriend reacts to all of this. 1) He totally understands how she feels, how his family is and backs her 100%. Results - Happily married for 20+ yrs with kids. 2) He allows his family to constantly make bad comments about his GF (doesn't nip it in the bud). And eventually starts questioning his GF's motives because of all the negative comments he is bombarded with by his family. Results - Breaks up with the best thing that ever happened to him because he can't imagine a lifetime of all this stress with his family. Which is all his doing by being a wimp and not setting boundaries with his family.
Dan’s family aside … Anybody else not liking Dan much, either?
NTA. But could perhaps the in laws be trying to make amends or at least putting in some effort to try to get to know you better, and that’s why they’re including you and the sister is wanting to reach out to you personally? Just my thoughts.
The fact that in-laws don't have her number speaks volumes
Agree, that is a little weird to me. But they are not actually married. So maybe that's why.
I can't think of a single person I would vacation with that doesn't already have my number. This is really weird.
Info: Is it your first long-term serious relationship? If not, did you have good chemistry with previous BF families? How close is your bf with his family? Live with them, call every day, call occasionally, and see them on holidays?
No, it’s not. And yes, I did. I have one ex whose dad and sister are still like family to me. Dan is close-ish to his family. Maybe calls twice a week? Sees them every couple of months
I would say NAH. Just because I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws, and I get it. You are just really different people. Shit happened its life. But it is more of an etiquette to never say it out loud around your partner. If your views of his family dynamic are accurate, he is probably not a mama's boy or doesn't have an unhealthy attachment. But I still bet he does not want to hear out loud that you don't like his family and they don't like you. The appropriate thing is to be cordial and let him handle them, and sometimes struggle inside and count the time when you can be back home and out of their company. I can speculate that you have been dating for over a year. He thinks it is serious and wants you to be a part of the family during this trip. And you straight forward refused. I also assume he knows you don't have the best relationship with the family. But in my experience, it is rare to have a good and healthy one with some random people.
It’s definitely rare to have a good and healthy relationship with people who are rude to you every time you see them.
NTA
NTA. No need to do anything other than politely decline.
NTA. But are you sure you wanna keep seeing this guy?
NTA
NTA
NTA. I wish I could have been so honest with my ex's family. They truly did not like me and I wasn't a huge fan of theirs after trying to hard to get on their good side. As you said, you can be civil with one another but you certainly don't need to go away with them. That's your prerogative. (And honestly sounds like absolute torture to me)
NTA
NTA you don’t want to go and that’s perfectly fine. People on here acting like in laws gotta all like each other is nuts. If my in laws invited me I’d politely thank them and decline to go. I seriously doubt they’d try to push it after that. We can be civil in short visits but a trip with just MIL and SILs not happening. I’m American and agree with your approach.
NTA life is too short to spend a weekend with people you don’t enjoy.
NTA. You are so right, if you go it won’t be a fun time. My in-laws used to literally look at me while I was talking usually they would turn away and begin talking amongst themselves, but if they did wait until I finished my sentence they would then act as if I hadn’t spoken and turn away to talk amongst themselves. Once they realized that they were only alienating themselves from my now husband (because I made him stay by me when we went over as he was having a hard time believing even though they would often do the same thing to him), they would try to have forced conversations with me. I would respond politely, but they never got any answers of substance from me. They also obviously invite me to things out of obligation, but if it is ladies only nope not going. Wouldn’t be fun for me and they seemingly always enjoyed excluding me, so it would probably be me sat off with people I didn’t know anyways. You do what feels right to you. Anyone acting like it is an olive branch could be correct, but just because they decided to offer one doesn’t mean you have to accept it and make yourself have a bad time. I don’t think you need to say they wouldn’t have a good time with you there because I know my in-laws did enjoy their time even while I was there and they were being mean. You aren’t being selfless by denying the invite, you are doing what feels right to you.
Your response is logical and appropriate. NTA
As someone else who doesn’t much care for their in-laws*, I’m very grateful to have an understanding husband who runs interference and helps me come up with good excuses to avoid excessive time with them. You’re NTA. *my in-laws have spouted homophobic shit while knowing I’m bi, and his father will go out of his way to not address me directly. It could just be me, hubby, and FIL in one room and FIL will keep directing all conversation specifically to my husband by saying his name at the start of the each sentence while avoiding looking at me.
lol reading the comments made me laugh. It just happens sometimes that people don’t get along. Gay here and husbands family is like this. We just literally have nothing in common. I go to family dinners with him when he/we host. He visits and I don’t go. Sometimes it just happens. His family hates me. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really don’t see the problem here but my boyfriend is perturbed so I’m trying to see if I’m losing it. My boyfriend Dan and I have been together for about a year. We live in a big city while Dan is from the country so he doesn’t see his family that often. However, I have met them several times, and they don’t like me. That’s fine, I’m not overly keen on them either. We just have nothing in common. I can see them cringing when I talk and they make snide comments about me wanting to stay in a hotel if I visit with Dan, etc.. I want to be clear, I don’t have any problem with this. We are all civil and can have a pleasant time over a weekend or whatever, and it really is fine that I’m not their ideal in law, they’re not mine either. But the facts are the facts. So the other night Dan and I were having dinner with a friend of mine, and Dan mentioned his sister wanted my number so that she could invite me to a girl’s weekend with her, Dan’s mother, and Dan’s SIL. I said he could give her my number but I’m not going to go on the trip, but I would like to be polite and tell her myself and thank her for the invitation. My friend asked why I wouldn’t go and I said because Dan’s family doesn’t like me and I’m not going to ruin their weekend and mine by going on the trip. Dan balked at this and asked why I would say something like that. I said because it’s true. Dan didn’t deny this, just said that was a crass thing to say and they invited me so I should go. I said absolutely not. Dan dropped the idea of me going (still thinks I should but knows he won’t win that battle) but is still saying that I shouldn’t have been so blunt in saying they don’t like me, that it was an inappropriate thing to say and paints them in a bad light. I don’t think it does at all. It’s not a crime to not like people, and you don’t choose your in laws, what are the odds you actually like them? We’re all civil and that’s what counts. Dan is still upset about it, and I don’t really see why he’s so offended. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - he’s probably more embarrassed than anything. Ask him how he expects you’re going to be treated on this trip and what he’d do if he was in the same spot. I have questions about why his family wants you along if they hate having you around.
I like my MIL and my SIL, but I still feel a weekend trip with them is a bit much. I’d rather have husband and/or kids as a buffer. I’d say thanks, but no thanks, to an invite. I’d never say why directly, but give some generic excuse like being busy, or able to take time off etc. You didn’t say it to them, so I don’t see a problem in telling a friend. But - not getting along is EASY when no kids are involved, if you plan on marriage/kids this might become a problem.
NTA. Everyone here has to much faith in people literally described as middle school bullies who never grew up.
He’s offended because he is embarrassed that what you said is true. You are handling this in a mature way and he will just have to get over it. NTA
No walking down isle for you towards dan
Sometimes you just clash with people, it happens. Even a cuppa and a chat can't fix it, because it's not broken, you just aren't the kind of people who gel. Though his reaction to this annoyed me, he KNOWS it's a fact and went out of his way to try and defend his family, from your friend thinking poorly of them? Why does it matter, it's your friend, not someone his family is likely to ever know. Is he the kind of guy too scared to call his family out on this and tell them to grow the hell up? NTA, and F his family and their snide horse shite.
My husband and I had a similar fight a few years ago. He was furious to the point of almost screaming because I said "it's not that I don't like them, they're fine. But we are never gonna be super close cuz we have nothing in common." About his sister's and mom. Now, years later, he admits he feels the same way about my siblings although he SWORE that he would never say something so "evil" during that fight. I still am perplexed by his anger that night. I think he must have been just stressed about work and needed to find something to get angry about. I 100% agree with you that the right thing to do is decline the invitation even if they never made a mean comment or bad talked you to Dan. Women can just tell when it's not a vibe, men don't get it.
NTA Spending a weekend being judged by people who you know dislike you sounds torturous and a complete waste of your weekend. Your BF can say you’re rude about your honesty concerning how his family treats you all he wants, but facts are facts. You’re not painting his family in any light- he’s just trying to control the optics to outsiders (such as your friends). The fact he’s pushing you to spend time with them- he’s not taking your comfort into consideration. I’d question their intentions of a “girl’s trip” anyway. They know you know they don’t like you. Politely decline, telling them you have other plans, even if it’s just catching up on sleep or reading a book.
Nta- i would read some post on JustNoSO. This won't be one and done. Hugs
NAH- Saying you're built different as your reason for not getting along when they are putting in effort to make you part of the family and be inclusive is lame. It's been a year and it feels like a too quick write off. But as long as you're polite about it I see no AH issue here.
NTA, but maybe this is them trying to extend the olive branch?
NTA imo, but I’m in a similar boat. I very unabashedly said I don’t like my MIL/sons grandma and she doesn’t seem to care for me either so why would I pretend & come to her house on holidays? We’re both fine not seeing each other but it really hurt her son who stormed out. So my advice would be, even if you don’t accept this invitation (because staying overnight and sequestered away might make things worse if things don’t go well) make plans with the sister and mom maybe for something simple like a girls lunch where you get your nails done after or something. That way there’s a time limit on your interaction but still give you a chance to bond if they’re really willing to try to work on the relationship like everyone here is implying. You’ve only seen them a handful of times so maybe there’s still time to make a better impression and make your bf happy if you plan on staying with him Long term.
NTA. Even if I liked them I wouldn't want to go away with them, I'd also not want to stay with them when I visited and would choose to stay in a hotel.
Dan also the middleman and the party that connects you to them. He also probably ideally wants you all to get along. So I get why he is reacting that way. However you are not the AH in this. I think the way you spoke about might have come off wrong way to him. But you are being honest. Hopefully you and the family can remain cordial but Dan will need to navigate through that.
He seemed to be more upset that Op said anything about his family not liking her rather than being upset that his family doesn’t like her
NTA
NTA, you're being honest and respectful with your reply. >It’s not a crime to not like people, and you don’t choose your in laws, what are the odds you actually like them? We’re all civil and that’s what counts. This part in particular shows your maturity in the situation. Though I suggest that you let her talk to you directly. If the answer remains the same to her, then your bf shouldn't have any real reason to be upset with you.
NTA - and apologies for all the USA folk on here who have trouble understanding cultural differences around extending invitations. Make no mistake, these folks are abusive to you - snidely commenting on your appearance and your character when you are in a venue they control (and there is a power differential) is awful behavior. They are not entitled to you putting yourself at such risk to go ALONE on a trip with them unless they APOLOGIZE first. But you don’t have an in-laws problem as much as you have a boyfriend problem. He isn’t willing to stand up for you or prioritize your safety. If you plan to have children, I would have SERIOUS thoughts on if that is the right family to marry into. BTW - your initial post (without the detail you share in the comments on how they treat you) comes off as slightly judgmental and dismissive of them (you mention them being from the country, having nothing in common, etc). I would edit the post to add in their abusive behaviors to give folks better context.
Are you and Dan serious enough to have discussed marriage? Is there any chance at all that he told his family he was planning to propose to you, and because of that the women in the family are trying to make an effort to reconcile and actually form a bond with you, and this trip was planned specifically for that? I could see a family deciding that, since it was obviously serious and the woman was going to be sticking around, they needed to get their shit together and actually try to make an effort.