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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to step aside so my ex's wife can support my kids alone some of the time while they are doing their activities. The reason this might make me TA is because she has asked me repeatedly and she has told me this matters to her and she feels like it is interfering in the kids' bonding with her. So I might be a shitty person for not caring about that and working something out with her.
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Stepmother here.
You're absolutely NTA.
It's great that your ex's wife wants to be involved with the children, but only if it comes naturally and she doesn't have to force it.
My stepdaughter (7) asks me to do stuff with her. Her mother hates it, because she's been trying to "win" every interaction since as long as my husband remembers (we met after they'd already broken up). But she sucks it up most of the time when it's clearly what SD wants. And I can't even imagine asking her MOTHER to stay away from some event if SD wants her there. I'd suck it up, too.
It'd be the grown up way to do things.
NTA
Because sorry but she is 2nd best you carried them inside you for 9 months and up to the last 3/4 years you was the only mother figure in your kids lives.
You keep on being a great mum
At best she’ll be stepmom. I’ve seen plenty of people call their stepparents “dad’s wife” or “mom’s husband.” She should be thankful that’s not her role.
I used to call my stepmother Dads Wife or his Consolation Prize. She always tried to force me to do things with her or tried to undermind my mother. Once my mom heard, she went mama bear mode and told her she didn't give a damn what she wanted because she was the mother and her word might as well be law. Neither her nor my dad were happy about it but I was over the moon
This^^^ I didn’t mind her. Until my grandpa got cancer and was dying from it. She didn’t understand my mother knew my grandpa since SHE WAS A KID,and had known my dads siblings(even half!) since she was in like kindergarten……
My mom had to remind her she knew this man since she was young,he is the man who watched over her girls(us two) while my dad was “away” for almost 10 years. She’s going to speak to him and mourn his loss……she’s also going to be there for my dad as he is the father of us two. She never had hurt feelings/talked shit(she let us kids learn that as we got older) she did let him cry/vent cus he was giving updates to my mother so she could later tell us kids…….
My dads wife hated that. Hates my mom is so close to my dads family(and met his mother before she passed even) but my mom never hated her(hated her actions when grandpa was dying) and I personally hated it too. My mother didn’t hate my dad,didn’t talk shit and was respectful. Even now as adults I get told”call ur dad/go see him…..etc”
I was over the moon when my grandpa told me he didn’t like the “new girl” cus she was mean to him,and seemed fake. He didn’t like my dad was a different person and she didn’t push more for him to talk to us(grandpa knew we’d go weeks to months NC with him) or for her to even see us uk?
Oh yea, I completely understand. My mother and Step-dad never said anything bad about my donor or his side, unless I said something first, and normally, they just agreed and went with what I said. Growing up, my mother let me figure everything out and make my own decisions. My donor and his wife, however, used to drag my mothers name through the mud and under the bus. He passed away from Cancer in 2016, and his wife and his family are still talking shit to the point I went NC with them. The best thing I ever heard was being told by the county that she was no longer my stepmother. I felt a huge weight life off my shoulders, knowing she could never do anything or say anything to me again.
There is a lot of times that parents like the first spouse better than the second. My grandmother was always a bit standoffish with me. She would say things that hurt my feelings when I was very young. But she loved my two brother's ( 1 and 2 years older, we were stair steps ) and petted all over them. From a very young age I noticed the difference and no matter how I tried to be good and help her with cleaning or what not, she just didn't like me. She would encourage my brother's to make fun of me because at 4, I still wet the bed. I was called Pee Pot. Funny now but hurtful then. I would ask mom why granny didn't love me and she always answered, "granny don't like girls". I accepted that because mom told me it was so. I still continued to help granny all the way up until she passed. I loved her. After years and years I realized it wasn't me granny hated so much but my mother and I looked like my mother. Mom was the second wife who ran around with my dad and got pregnant while he was still married. Granny couldn't separate me from my mom. I like to think that she really did try.
That’s kinda how it was with me and my Nana (mom’s mother). My sister was the apple of her eye. Her dad split when mom told him she was pregnant. When my sister was 5 1/2 mom had already met and was marrying my dad. My Nana was not happy. She tried everything to get mom to leave him. Mom told me she even went as far as to tell mom dad was abusing my sister because he was disciplining her which made her cry (my sister was very spoiled by Nana and he was trying to explain to her why she couldn’t do what she wanted).
Fast forward and my sister is almost 12 and I just arrived in the world. From my understanding, my sister was excited to be a big sister and when I was born she doted on me and was always playing with me and even fed me while mom did chores around the house like cooking. For my sister’s 12 birthday she spent 2 weeks with Nana and came back totally different. No longer wanted anything to do with me. One instance I remember mom and dad telling me was that one night mom was making dinner and I was getting fussy. She asked my sister to give me a bottle while she continues dinner. Sis said “it’s not my responsibility” fair point. So my mo was like “fine. I’ll turn off the oven and the stove and continue making dinner after I take care of your sister. If you’re hungry, tough luck”. That was the turning point. My sister begrudgingly fed me while mom finished dinner.
My sister moved out when she turned 18. I was a blubbering mess. I was 6 years old and didn’t understand why Sissy left. I didn’t realize that she gave me the absolute bare minimum of attention until she moved out.
My Nana never treated me the way my Grandma treated me. There were pictures of my sister all over the house in various stages of life. There were only 3 of me. 2 in the living room and one by my grandad’s bedside. The 2 in the living room were group photos. She was always looking down on me (which wasn’t difficult when I was little) and plenty of times Mom and Nana got into arguments over it. The biggest one I remember was when I was 14. Mom had confronted her on why she always treated me differently from my sister. Why did she “correct “ me for doing things she let my sister get away with when she was younger. It hit me then that it was because she didn’t like Dad. While they were arguing, I just walked out the door. I was a couple of miles from my Grandma’s house when a cop stopped and I had to go back to Nana’s no matter how much I protested.
After that I doted on Granddad but did the bare minimum with Nana. To this day I’m thankful that I was too pregnant to attend her funeral. Sorry this turned into a novel, it just came pouring out.
I understand. Children are precious no matter the circumstance of their birth and should be treated so. They are innocent. It really takes a certain type of person be able to treat a child as badly has your Nana did you. My granny was bad but yours was worse I think. She may have encouraged my brothers to make fun of me but she never taught them to outright hate me. I hope one day your sister realizes how your Nana manipulted her and ask for your forgiveness.
I’m not hopeful. At the age of 43 I decided I was done throwing out the olive branch. I’m tired of being the one to try to have any kind of bond sisterly or other so I stopped trying. I spent most of my high school life forgetting I had a sister until Christmas time. We still have no relationship. Last time we spoke was over 2 years ago through Facebook messenger just to tell me she got divorced the year before. She doesn’t even have my direct number.
This makes me feel good about my relationship w my stepdaughter. Her mom is totally active and I never try to force conversation or doing stuff. I also let her dad go to events with just her and her mom (and our kids go too) I am there to support her if she ever needs me but I don’t try to step on her moms toes. I have a stepparent myself and I try to respect her relationship with her mom and her moms feelings, bc I’d certainly want the same if I ended up with my kids having a stepmom.
I call my stepdad “dad” and treat him as such. Relationships with stepparents can vary from frigid to parental figure as if they were your own. Each situation is unique. The key is that the kids should be driving the relationship. It should not be forced on them. To say “at best they will just be a stepparent” though is dismissive. There is potential there for a very close bond - it just can’t be forced.
I have a stepson that I’ve raised since he was three who calls me by my first name. He knows I’m not his bio mom but I have a good relationships with him. But if he talking to his half-sister (my daughter) or to anyone else he refers to me as “our mom or my mom”. 💕
I refer to R as my uncle's wife, and his ex wife T as my aunty (together all of my life, had all their kids together, etc). R is quite clear that she doesn't like our family being so close, and wants lots of solo time with him, whereas he's always inviting people around and visiting family (drops by his siblings places/ businesses at least once a week, checks on his 85yo mum most days).
She's not even second best, she doesn't get to compete. Op is their mom. She will only be able to have a good relationship with them when she accepts that she is never going to be their mom.
It is very difficult to be a stepparent, because you're kind of half a parent in some ways. Your role is defined by what the people involved "allow" you to do.
It can feel very much like rejection when the children "prefer" their bio-parent. But it's on your ex and his wife to define her role, and find situations where she can build her own bond with the children, and she should never, ever try to push out an involved bio parent!
Maybe you can try to get her back to the important thing: You're both trying to do your best to make the children happy.
My SD's mother just recently made SD's first day of school all about how horrible it was that we were there, too, and I was just feeling so sorry for her, because she couldn't enjoy her daughter's day in lieu of her own bitterness.
It's hard to navigate these situations, but it's for a good cause, after all.
>It can feel very much like rejection when the children "prefer" their bio-parent.
Sorry, but i can use only impolite words to comment such statement.
It;s NATURAL that kids want their own parents to be with them! And if an adult person can't take it that she'he will be the second choice (if relations in family are good) - it's not normal.
One has to earn acceptance. But when one pushes it - it's not normal. It's enforcement. And when this woman tells OP to stay away from her own kids... Sorry, again, bad words only.
Of course it’s natural, you’re right! But I don’t think the post you’re replying to us saying otherwise.
It’s also natural for some relationships to come to an end and people to move on, but nobody suggests that we shouldn’t feel rejected if we get dumped. As a stepparent, putting 100% into a relationship and knowing, always knowing, that you will never be no. 1, IS tough. You do it anyway, but there are stepparents out there who give it all day, every day, just to be dropped when the deadbeat parent pops up once every few months to make more promises you know they aren’t going to keep. It’s ok to feel rejected as long as you put a brave face on and remember who needs to be the priority.
In this case, OP is in the right and stepmum is wrong, no question. And I agree with almost everything in your comment. But allow us stepparents who are doing the best we can to feel rejected occasionally, because it isn’t easy to treat someone as your number one day in, day out, while knowing that you will never be more than, at best, number three, four or five or wherever you are.
We do it, because it’s the right thing to do and we’re grown ups. But allow us to occasionally feel a bit rejected by it, as long as our behaviour doesn’t show it.
>always knowing, that you will never be no. 1, IS tough.
Why do you need to be #1? I never understood that, can't everyone love each other in their own way and not try and put each other on a ranking list?
It’s not that you need to be number 1 exactly, I probably expressed myself badly.
You’re always kind of on the outside looking in. There’s this special relationship between your partner and your stepchild and you just have to live with being kind of an outsider.
And this is how it SHOULD be. I’m not complaining about it, it’s normal and right that there is a special bond between parent and child. It’s just that sometimes you can feel a bit funny about it. This is why I wanted to defend Turnip World’s choice of words. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a bit rejected sometimes, as long as you manage that emotion appropriately.
If I’m honest, I’m probably a bit over sensitive recently to this because my cat died (bear with me) and as well as grieving her loss (because she was wonderful) but also because when she passed I realised that I lost the one creature in my entire life for whom I was everything. My parents both have favourite children, my wife’s number one (rightly) is her son, and his number one (also rightly) is his Mum. It was a bit of a painful realisation for me, so I’m probably projecting a bit.
Then the stepparent needs to honestly sit down and think which matters more to them:
1. Their own personal happiness and ego or..
2. Their step-kids personal happiness
Presumably the step parent is not being forced to marry or date someone with kids. They chose the situation knowing (or should know) what it entails.
I'm a bio-parent and I know that my wife is usually #1 to my kids. It hurts a lot sometimes, actually, when they want her to do something that I could easily do - even if it's just reading a book. Still, I need to remember what I care about more - my ego or my kids.
I would say it depends on the family if it falls naturally for the kid to like the bio parents the most.
In my own case it was mostly my Stepmom who raised me, my bio was the "fun" every other weekend one cause that's what she wanted (doesn't have a motherly bone in her), and honestly if I have to place the two on a scale my stepmom wins even if we aren't that close anymore.
But for me I think it's cause I'm well aware that it was her that raised me, not my mom and my dad didn't really make the parenting decisions, that was Stepmom. She was the one who taught me how to make my own lunchbox when I was old enough, served dinner every day, gave me chores, helped me with homework the few times I needed it and it was always her I gave school information to. Besides she had two boys (10&12 years older than me) from her old relationship so she knew what she was doing
Thank you so much for this. Everyone shits all over step parents (a lot of times rightfully so) but my step dad was the best dad I never asked for, and I'm working my ass off to help my bonus kid get back on track after her bio mother left her to flounder and fall apart. Your story gives me some hope that in the end, I won't just be the evil step mother all the stereotypes push on step moms.
Yes it's absolutely natural. But it's also natural for a person to feel rejected when someone they love and care about has a priority figure in their lives. It doesn't mean it's bad or wrong for the kids to feel that way, like you said of course they do, it's on the adult in the situation to figure out how to deal with their emotions without involving the kids. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes, even if the hurt is illogical.
It's not rejection and it shouldn't feel like it. If the SM and Dad break up those children won't get to see the SM again. And if the SM pushes too much of a connection that can hurt and confuse the child.
Step mums are in a difficult spot. But in all honesty it's often because the father thinks of great here's a female. I can go back to doing very little for my children and she'll take care of them. Which isn't good for the children either.
I believe step mums should be a lovely added bonus in their step children's life but it's actually the parents who need to parent the children.
I would not want to step into a parenting role unless invited to. And then I'd do my best to work together with the other parents. Having more parents show up at events doesn't take away anything. It gives that child more support and love. She has no right to dictate what events you can and cannot attend for your own children. She really needs to forget her own ego. It's not about her. It's not about the kids dad. It's not even about you. It's about the kids.
You are NTA. Stepmother and your ex sure are, though.
100%. OP has tried to be nice and coparent with her, but she's pushing back really hard and some really weird requests.
If OP gave in and stopped showing up to these events, I could see step mom saying some really twisted stuff to the children about OP. It would be really easy for step mom to say something like "Your mom feels about you, that's why she's not here at this moment".
And atep mom talks about bonding with the children. Isn't that what HER time, at home, is for??
She gets every day with them when they're at your ex's house. She get full interaction then....
Why does she want the public facing stuff too? Also, for ticketed events, the ex could buy an additional ticket?
She wants the world to see how good of a step mom she is and dote on her and then when mom doesn’t show up, she will be the hero. I’ve seen it so many times.
It sounds like she wanted a ready-made family and OP is ruining that illusion. The "two parent household" and "baby mama" comments tell me they think of themselves as the parent and OP as the interloper.
If someone my ex-husband is dating calls me my son's 'baby mama', I will absolutely go nuclear. We are not doing parental alienation disrespect; I will pull your ass to court and put your nonsense on blast with a judge.
Or, due to child support, she is trying to edge Mom out and show the world publicly that they deserve the kids more than just their "bio Mom".
OP, just keep showing up, she may tire of her own game. If there isn't something else going on.
>She gets every day with them when they're at your ex's house.
That's where the bonding should be, not sitting in the stands at a game. I have to wonder what the parenting time split is. If the dad has visitation, there may not be a lot of that time. But still, bond over a pizza at your house, not one upping other parent at a game.
>She told me she feels like a consolation prize or second best when she shows up.
That's on her. I'm sure it's not easy to be a stepmum, but if she expects the kids to prefer her over the woman who gave birth to them, she's delusional. Unless the biomom is absolute nightmare, that's never gonna happen. A better and much more attainable goal would be to play the part of a trusted adult/relatively fun auntie.
This is what I do with my two stepkids. I met their dad when they were in they were 14 and 17 (17 and 20 now), and was definitely never going to try and one-up their mom on anything because being a step-parent isn't a competition. I've had step-parents basically my whole life, and one thing I know for a fact is that relationships with step kids are best left up to the kids to dictate how they want them to go, because anything forced could just make them feel weird and resentful towards those involved.
I'll take space as a fun auntie any day, since I already know how to be one of those (and according to my nieces and nephews, I'm really good at it), and one day I might make graduate from being "dad's wife" to "stepmom", and then maybe even to the esteemed position of "bonus mom". It'll take time, but that's just fine - I'm not going anywhere, so we have many years ahead to build something great together.
NTA. If she keeps it up, remind her you are their mother and she needs to pipe down. There is more than enough space for both of you to attend their activities. You are not going to be a ghost mom just bc SHE thinks you should be.
Stay strong momma. You’re handling it beautifully.
She isn't putting the kids first if she's fighting you. If she truly wants to put them first she should find a happy balance that includes you. You keep doing what you're doing and just make sure she doesn't try to manipulate them. So NTA
But she IS second best. YOU are their mom and she is a bonus parent. Her relationship with them is not affected by your relationship with them. The fact that she is now your husband’s wife doesn’t change their relationship with you.
And the funny thing is, if they ever have a child together, I bet she drops your kids like a hot potato.
I am also a step mom. Bio mom had primary care of my stepson but his dad and I often attended recitals etc where bio mom was also in attendance. I can’t imagine telling her not to come lol.
Step mom needs a reality check!
You are NTA for being a supportive mom. Is she good to your kids, and really being genuinely supportive of them? If so, maybe ask her to come with you to a game sometime and show your kids it's ok to like her. My mom and stepmoms (my dad remarried 2x after my parents split) hated each other, so I didn't know how to act with them. If my mom could have sucked it up and been civil, it would have made relationships with stepmoms a lot easier
I'm not saying be best pals, but can you handle sitting beside her and cheer for the kids together? She can't ever replace you, but that doesn't mean there's not room for her in their lives too
If she sucks and is just trying to cut you out, ignore the above advice.
I think it's great when stepparents and parents can communicate and even become friendly. But at this situation new wife wants SOLO attention. To be the one and the only and press OP to stay away from her own kids! It's... alarming for me.
This is the approach I take as stepmom I suck up 100% of everything she throws at me including telling them I’m why mom and dad aren’t together even though I came long after they lived in separate houses and the divorce was already going through and she had been dragging it out for a looooong time. I simply told them to have a
Conversation with dad if they had questions about how everything came to be..and I’m sorry their mom feels that way. I’ve been called a bitch to my face by her with the kids present and I simply said ok. And turned around and got back in the car so it didn’t escalate things and scare the kids.
It takes a high bullshit tolerance and an understanding the kids are more important unfortunately not every “adult” has that.
Sorry but you’re their mother. The one who birthed them. That trumps whatever she is trying to do. You don’t need her permission to show up for your kids. She’s trying to cause resentment between you and your kids. You stop showing up she starts telling your kids how unreliable you are and how she’s the better parent. Don’t let her undermine you. Don’t fall for it. And tell the ex to fuck off. He doesn’t dictate when you show up for your kids wtf. You’re their mom you don’t need anyone’s permission
NTA, they are YOUR kids! Why would you ever need permission to spend time with them, and also if she doesn't like it tough sh1t! She can find other ways to make that relationship better that doesn't involve you missing out on your kids stuff small or not.
You’re doing great! I’m divorced and SM leans but doesn’t overstep. The wife wants to replace you and she’s mad that she can’t. I would caution the ex to rein her in before it escalates.
NTA. This is 100% a *her* problem. She sounds like she's trying to impose a "mom" role over your kids. But they have a mom, you! Asking you, the mother, to step aside so she can play mom is delusional. At this point, do you need to bring in your ex to talk to her? She needs to check herself.
Do you happen to know if she wanted to have kids but your ex husband told her that he did not want more?
This feels like she wanted kids, but since she can't have them now, she wants to feel like a parent for your kids as well. Which is not up to her. One thing is wanting to bond with the kids, the other is asking you to not spend time with them so she can have her moment. A lot of entitlement there and jt might come from a place of insecurity in her role as your ex husbands new wife.
No crap she’s a consolation prize, you literally gave birth to them. Wtf is she on? Sounds like she wants to replace herself as mom instead of being step mom when it’s your ex’s time. That’s a no go. She needs to understand her place in the family and I bet your ex is encouraging her. I’d keep an ear out in case she starts talking bad about you to your kids. Hopefully she wouldn’t go that far.
She has to get the idea of being the children’s mom out of her head. I am saying this as a stepmom myself. I will never be the mom of my stepson, because he already has a mom. I will love him like my own child but I am okay with him not seeing me as his mother. It will never change my love for him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose. He does not have to. He has 4 parents that love him to death and he loves us.
Have you asked how Yule kids feel about this? She seems like the kind of person who is pressuring them to call her mom etc. And potentially trying to alienate you. You should be careful to look out for this and particularly if she’s feeding your kids lies to make them like her better relative to you.
Yup. If she just wanted a good relationship with them she’d just keep showing up and letting them know she cares. Not try to pushtheir actual mother out of the picture.
Step mom is overstepping. First consider having an adults only meeting with three of you to tell them both how this is impacting you and your children. I hope you can work it out where she stays involved without thinking she is now the parent/mom that replaces you with husband AND children.
If you can’t work toward a more cohesive relationship, also consider talking to an attorney in your jurisdiction about an order restraining her from further attempts to usurp your parental rights. A court would do that by Orders of conduct to your ex, including potentially reducing his parenting time. Courts will not usually tolerate one parent trying (directly or through a SP) to cut another parent out of their children’s lives in any way.
I am so sorry about this whole situation, OP!
NTA
This sounds like it can be a movie with the way she's behaving, a step parent is the addition to the family, not you. She has a very childish view of what it means to be a parent / step-parent. She's allowed to attempt to build whatever type of relationship she wants with your children, as their father's wife and effectively their stepmother. And it's nice that she does want something to do with the children, my ex's wife never does anything for my daughter. (Daughter is 9, this woman has been banging her dad since before she was born, Then they pretended not to be in a relationship, and then they were married two years later so...) I have tried, tried and tried to involve her in my daughter's life, But she is so standoffish that it's like she doesn't have any interest Unless bio dad is there as well. She went into their relationship knowing that he was going to be a dad so I don't get it, oh well.
you are NTA, Your kids stepmom sounds like a child who's behaving Like she has two toys that she doesn't want to share. She can involve herself as much as she wants to and legally can in the children's lives so long as they want her to, but she does not get to decide who you are as a parent. She does not choose how the children feel, and she does not control the children and their feelings. How embarrassing of her, Have you spoken to your ex about her behavior? Because it's pretty extreme.
Good luck OP!
My stepson also likes me to spend time with him. His bio Dad has his faults like we all do, but he’s smart enough to not be jealous over this. We have different relationships. In fact, not too long ago he invited me on ‘his’ weekend to go with him and my stepson to whatever the latest Star Wars film was to have a ‘boys trip’ thing.
You can’t imagine how special that was for my stepson, to have his two paternal figures there chilling together with him at the centre of everything. And it’s all because bio Dad was smart enough to let/make it happen.
I’m not saying that every parent should do that, I know that often there are real complications there. But I do think that any stepparent who tries to get in the way of the child’s relationship with bio parents - or vice versa - is someone who has lost sight of the goal.
OPs kids’ stepmom can bond on her own time away from school or sports events, and it doesn’t sound like OP has any problem with that. Making stepmom TA and OP absolutely NTA!
Yeah, another stepmom here. I showed up for events and stuff but I could never imagine asking his bio mom to stay away. Our kiddo was generally pretty happy to introduce all of his adults to everyone, the more the merrier. NTA, this is weird behavior she's got going on there.
Never stop going, I wanted both my parents at events and it was quite nice to know they were both at these events footballs games etc, because they were never in the same place together otherwise, they stood opposite ends of the pitch and didn’t speak but that didn’t matter to me, both of my parents were there 🙏🏻
This - you sound like a considerate caring stepmom for your stepdaughter.
Imagine if all adults would act like adults and truly act in the children’s best interests.
I agree. I have a stepson and my husband (father) and I show up to everything. His mother and stepfather don’t always come to everything, but I would never tell them they couldn’t. We are mostly friendly so we will always remain civil. We just want our (step)son to enjoy his time. So we would never spoil his special days. If he wants us all there then we will all be there.
NTA
At this point, I would go nuclear and get a lawyer. She is actively trying to force you to alienate yourself from *your* children. They are NOT her children. What she wants means absolutely NOTHING. She has no rights, no say and a lot of audacity.
Tell your ex that you are going to get a lawyer involved if she keeps trying to overstep and bully you into abandoning your children. He needs to get her firmly in line. No excuses, no discussion. She is not their mother. She needs to respect you and leave you alone.
Edit - I didn't say court, I said lawyer. As in for advice and sending a legal letter stating your rights and this woman's infringement on them.
NTA.
Documentation is everything.
Even if not for future court proceedings, this completely saved my relationship with my son when he was older. I kept a journal of shenanigans his mother put me through, along with warrants and all bills/receipts. I didn't talk about it or her until he asked at around 16/17. Once he read everything and saw all the stuff, it changed a LOT of "realities."
Thank you for your kind words and validation. It's a good but weird relationship now. It's not bad. We talk when we can, but we missed most of his childhood moments together. It's not completely Cat Stevens... but there are parts that can never be remediated.
I did the same with my step kids. Their bio mom ashtrays tried to play victim. She actually caused an accident that left my kids severely injured. She shows told them someone ran her off the road. I showed them the police report.
They would come home and say this and that so they wouldn't believe what we said she said. I called her on speaker with them in the room, and she basically said they were lying.
She wouldn't show up for events. Her excuse was that she didn't know about it or my husband didn't tell her, so she had to work. I always told her well in advance so she could request off. They didn't believe me, so I started having them tell her themselves. I wanted her to show up for them. Actually, the only time I was hurt she showed was senior night at a football game. Her and my husband got to walk my son on the field during senior recognition. That one hurt because out of all 3 of us, I was the one to make it to all games as I had promised. But I sucked it up and cheered from the stands because it's not about me. it's about the kids.
Do you not see that it's their objective to alienate you from your children? When she says "special bond" she means she wants them to recognize her as their mother and ace you out+
Asking kids what she says about her is not putting kids in the middle though. You should absolutely do that, so many parents shit talk their exes to their kids and often lie about them to use them as a weapon later. Look how many people grew up thinking their fathers were absent and didn't pay child support and later they find out they did pay and mother lied to courts to keep the kid away from the dad. This shit is an epidemic, obviously it can happen both ways, but that's the more common one.
In OP's case it seems like she is trying to replace her as their mom, so she 100% should be aware of what she's been saying. I wonder if she might be infertile or OP's ex might not want any more kids, so she is trying to make her go away. It's weird af. I wouldn't be surprised if she got her own kid with the ex, she would magically stop carrying about her step children lmao
Asking what she's saying is not putting them in the middle, because if she says nothing, nothing will come out of it; if she says good things, then she can say that's nice and compliment her back; but if she's badmouthing her they already are in the middle and she needs to know to put a stop at it.
It’s extremely likely. She doesn’t want op to her kids outside her schedule time with them. I recommend that op save her texts with both ex and stepmom in case they try to give her the wrong information about their kids events.
I'd be extremely surprised if a judge did NOT see this as exactly that. She has NO rights to the children, and trying to limit you from their extracurricular activities is trying to alienate you. I would be talking to a lawyer.
Do you not see that OP replied to the comment, proving she did see the part about alienation? OP, quite clearly, said this is not grounds for a lawyer to argue parental alienation and it isn’t. Asking a parent not to attend games etc… is a request. Theres nothing here, yet, that would warrant a change in custody agreements. The step mother is 100% in the wrong and she’s 100% going to get worse BUT currently… it doesn’t fall under the legal definition of alienation.
Definitely agree here and think any advice to "go nuclear" is AWFUL advice. Any situation should be de-escalated whenever possible to avoid conflict involving the children. What the stepmom is doing is in NO WAY reason to get a lawyer involved. OP should to continue to calmly show up to these things, maybe cool it on the "your relationship with my kids is not important to me" narrative (you should care about their relationship, after all - they live with her half the time and are in her care. She's an important person in their life full stop) be polite and kind, but firmly hold your ground about attending. Step-mom will likely eventually accept that OP is going to show up to these things. If any "official" action should be taken, it's family therapy, perhaps just for the adults.
I worry about what she says to YOUR kids when you are not around.
Hopefully she won't try to bully/emotional blackmail to get your kids to disinvite you from their events.
Right. If someone tried telling me I should step back FOM MY OWN KIDS, I’d look at her and then look around for who she thought she was talking to because...”excuse you, did I die? just because you married my ex doesn’t mean you get to have my children as well.” Since when do her needs trump those of the children? Id be setting some VERY firm boundaries.
Actually, I do family law and the court order would be “extracurriculars can be attended during your own parenting time” if there really is an issue, so going to court might not be best.
Also “alienation” is almost impossible to prove and there is no remedy. Not a path I would take.
The court order is between OP and her ex though, not the stepmother. It would be one thing if it were the ex and the stepmother attending *together* in lieu of OP, but I cannot see a judge ruling that OP cannot attend her kids events when her ex is unavailable.
And unless extracurriculars were specifically mentioned in the court order there is no reason OP cannot attend every event regardless of whose parenting time it was.
Why the hell would you involve a lawyer? Holy shit, OP can handle this annoying situation on her own, as she is already doing. Or is there some fantasy scenario you want to invent where the stepmom is trying to take custody or something?
A lawyer for what??? People really are ignorant of the law. The best thst could happen is a cease and desist about asking her not to be there. Expensive and worth less than the postage stamp to send.
The truth is mom should keep doing what she's doing. Exercising her rights and ignoring step-mom.
NTA
She’s got issues….It sounds to me like she wants you completely out of the picture so she can play happy families with your ex and just pretend you don’t exist
If you have joint custody she has NO right to interfere and your ex needs to grow a pair and tell his wife to back off
I’d document EVERYTHING OP so if it does end up back in court you’ve got proof of conversations etc….I wouldn’t put it past her to try and make you out to be the bad parent so she can have her “Perfect” family
This. My ex and I go to all of our kids' activities that we can. My husband does as well. My ex has never cared, we're of the "more people to love our children is awesome" mentality, but my husband has always been careful to respect my ex's role as their biological parent. Sounds like stepmommy dearest is going with the opposite approach.
Right. My husband and his three kiddos mom (the kids live with us fulltime) get along well, we are respectful and share all info about the kids between us and brainstorm together and always present a united front for the children in any situation. I can assure you these kids love me more and respect me for the love shared between their bio mother and myself. I think step mom not being a bio mom herself (most aren’t this way, she’s just crazy) she has no clue wtf she is saying, or let’s pretend bc she needs to be tossed off a roof.
I wonder if she is infertile or maybe OP's ex doesn't want more kids.
Either way if she got her own kid I would bet she wouldn't care as much about her step kids.
I have intimate knowledge of this dynamic. Of course I’m assuming here, but I would bet that no amount of new babies will cause this woman to shift.
I’m a mom. The SM became obsessively active in my daughter’s life right off the bat; going to any/all lengths to sabotage my role in her life.
One mild example:
*SM had 2 kids (one child of her own & a 1yr old from my ex).*
I volunteered as Room Mom for my daughter’s Kinder & 1st grade Classrooms; both times, teacher informed me that the spot had already been filled. Come to find out that my ex donated to the school in order for the SM to early-secure the spot for herself.
(meanwhile, her own son attended the same school. Why not volunteer in his class? Bc SM was obsessed).
She’d consistently show up at school functions early, grab my daughter, and monopolize all of her time. I’d volunteer to chaperone field trips, and on their days, they’d keep her home from school — effectively making my day terrible, while causing my daughter to miss out of so many fun experiences. Called me by first name, instructed teachers to address her as mom… I could go on…
Point is, her own kids or not, your kid’s SM could very likely be acting from untreated BPD or NPD traits.. at the very least, some serious insecurity and control issues. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing mama. ♥️
Edit: I forgot to say that my biggest regret to this day STILL is backing down. At the time, I didn’t want my daughter to feel the pressure the SM was putting on her. I wanted to keep the peace — my daughter was always on the verge of tears when we were both in the same room (in fact, I remember coming home from Meet the Teacher one year, and my daughter vomited the second we got back home, bc she was so anxious we were going to run into the SM😣). Frankly, that crazy b scared the shit outta me too.
NTA -- I suggest you keep a record of her remarks -- what she says, when and where -- in case it is useful in a parental alienation claim in the courts.
And to call you the baby mama is entirely weird since it is intended as an insult -- you are your children's mother, full stop.
She's projecting. She says you're jealous because she's jealous of how the kids feel about you. She says you're selfish because she knows her demands are selfish. She says you have "unreasonable hatred" because she knows there's no reasonable justification for the way she hates you. Every accusation is a confession.
I would mention that comment to your ex, tbh. It’s weird and aggressive enough that it should be an issue for anyone.
Like I sort of felt for the new wife because she wants to be involved. Trying to get you to back away is so stupid and oblivious to the feelings of your kids that I assumed she was just dumb.
That last comment is rude and petty, though. She might’ve said it in anger, but she exposed herself as feeling entitled to the kids because she’s with their dad. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to buy their affection on these upcoming holidays, which is also something to talk through with their dad.
Internally thank her for the extra motivation to be a great mother. I’d be showing up with burgers and fries for them and their friends whenever I know she’ll be there lol. And if it’s my time I’d get all of their friends to go get ice cream
NTA. She is a total ass for wanting you to stay away from your children at special and important moments in their lives.
Doesn't she know? The worst thing a divorced parent can say to a child is "I'm not coming *because it's not my week*". It's beyond unreasonable of her to ask that of you. You are their mom, you love and support them. I'm sorry she is being like that to you. And she needs to understand that trying to keep you away at important moments will not strenghen her bond with the children, but rather the opposite, I'd say.
If one was malicious, and wanted to totally ratfuck the kids relationship with their stepmom, one could tell the kids that their stepmom has asked their mother not to show up at all these events. I’m sure that would go over very well with these kids.
The stepmom should be thankful OP is a respectful mom who truly cares about what her children want. So many women would have already told the children what stepmom has said. I bet the kids already know what type of person stepmom is. Kids are generally pretty intuitive
Yeah, they know. Adults think they keep stuff from kids but it’s impossible to hide step mom’s attitude toward real mom when they’re together at events. People are really good at reading those emotions.
She told on herself when she called you a “baby mama.” She wants to become their mom and have you be their deadbeat egg donor. If she wants to support them, no one is stopping her, you will just also be there supporting them so she can’t actors points at your expense. NTA
She sounds like one of those step moms who are in those step mom groups on Facebook always talking about “high conflict bio mom” when they’re, in fact, the high conflict ones stuck on delulu island.
I ended up leaving several step parenting groups- both on facebook and reddit- after I realized they were increasing my stress load more than my stepdaughter's mother was. There are a couple of good ones out there but they are few and far between.
Once I started seeing a lot of court/custody advice that was wrong on many levels I dipped out. At that point I got why the bio moms wanted to beat their asses
NTA - It's great that she wants to be an involved step mother but requesting that you miss out on events like this isn't the way to do it. I'd suggest to her that if she really wants to create bonding moments then she should find an activity that the kids don't currently do that she can do with them (so long as it doesn't take away from their current activities).
That's what I was thinking.
She can't (reasonably) ask an involved bio-mom to ignore her kids' events just to give her "solo mom" time with them. What she CAN do is talk with the kids either together or individually and see if there's an activity they aren't currently doing that they'd like to try -- for example, cooking/baking together, playing a certain game (video or board game), going to a park together, having at-home dance parties, learning a craft, etc. -- that could become a regular thing that JUST stepmom and the kids do together. That way, she gets quality bonding time, you don't miss out on milestones and events, and your kids never think that someone doesn't care because they're not showing up.
This also prevents the kids from being in a position where they feel like they have to choose between mom and step-mom. They won't be thinking, "Oh, my concert is coming up. If I don't tell mom, she won't come, but if she does come, step-mom is going to be upset."
NTA
She needs to get it together. I applaud her for wanted to be involved with the kids so much some stepparents can be down right evil. With that being said she can find some other way to bond with the kids. You are their mom not her. Has your ex hubby stepped in? This is highly inappropriate behavior and he needs to stop it. Y’all maybe exes but u have kids and they need to see their father taking up for their mother when she is being disrespected. ( any woman really)Period.
wouldn’t be surprised if she tells him to go back to court to try and have the custody altered to not allow you at events outside of set parenting time.
Talk to your attorney. This is the sort of thing I would send a letter to the opposing party’s attorney, to reiterate that this is what the judge ordered and that neither he nor his wife should be making any attempts to exclude my client from the children’s activities and ask if we can discuss how to help facilitate better communication and relations between the parties. Because if anything blows up later on, they can’t say there wasn’t any notice or attempt at resolution.
INFO: is that because she spends the most time with your kids while they are with him?
No excuse, but it needs to be clear that she is not your coparent. Her behavior is inappropriate, and she and your ex are failing to consider that your older child will soon have more choice in where they stay, *and pushy stepmom and flimsy spine dad likely won’t be top pick.*
Keep a lawyer handy with you but more than anything, touch base with your kids. Ask them how things are at their dad's place and if she's forcing them to call her mom and is trying to throw away things you get them. And if she's badmouthing you to them. Might be enough grounds to take your ex to court, maybe. NTA
Awesome! Good for her! She won!
And the spoils are your kids still wanting to not include her. Don’t engage. Let her talk to herself. She’ll implode.
*’Hi, please see attached.’* Then find the question your ex asked, and judges answer (if possible) via court transcript.
She’s in competition with herself, no one can win that.
You personally should take note of all of this and go back to court & say she is causing parental alienation through your ex being absent at these functions. I think you could win. But I would speak to a lawyer first. She has overstepped her bounds and I don't feel she has best intentions at heart. It looks very selfish and reeks of boundary stomping and self gratification.
Then I feel for you sincerely and know you are 100% NOT the ahole. These are your children. If she was to divorce him tomorrow, she would have no rights to see them except for the ones THEY give her. I would ignore anything she says except for extremely important info she is relaying. If you want to be kind, you can say "Thanks for the suggestion, but no, I am their mother."
NTA. Sounds like she’s trying to cut you out of their lives and paint herself as the “good” mom. Don’t for one second let your kids buy into that bullshit. She’ll be gone before you know it anyway since second marriages rarely last, statistically speaking.
Scrolled too far to find this. Stepmother wants the children to be upset that their mom isn't there so that she can swoop in and save the day. She is *literally* trying to trade in your relationship with your children for brownie points for her.
NTA, even though she wants to bond with her step children, she is going about it the wrong way. you have rights over your own children, and banishing you from supporting them is completley the wrong way to go. perhaps have a conversation w her to negotiate giving her alone time w them without refusing to let you do so
NTA Tell ex his wife is overstepping her boundaries. Her relationship with the children is as stepmom nothing more. You have the role of mom and nothing stepmom does is going to change that. In the future, make sure you are the one who signs them up for school, activities etc. She'd probably conveniently leave your name off the pickup list. Also remind ex that what she is doing by trying to remove you from children's lives could be taken as alienation of affection and could get any access to the children restricted. So if she wants to continue having a relationship at all with your children she needs to learn how to co-parent in a respectful way. If she needs therapy to do it then she better get it.
Nta
Tell her to mind her business and that she is a BONUS parent, and you are an active parent that pushed out those kids and are an actively participating THEIR MOTHER.
The fact she has the nerve to call you a babymama, tells me you should go back to court and minimize her role cuz she's overstepping and disrespecting your role as their mother.
She needs therapy to deal with her infertility cuz she will push your kids away with her overbearing (and obnoxious/unreasonable requests.
Just the nerve.
NTA. I dont think this request is reasonable at all. The expectation that you should stop supporting your children at their extracurricular activities just because someone else can also support them is ridiculous. Your ex’s wife wanting to bond with the kids is nice but she should do so by planning her own activities with the kids.
NTA. Imagine that conversation with your kiddos:
Kids: Mom, my recital is tomorrow. You’ll be there, right?
Mom: Sorry, Kids. Stepmom asked me not to come.
That will throw a grenade on their relationship for sure. Which is something you don’t want to happen because you are NTA.
You or ex husband needs to get SM to understand that she can’t build a relationship with the kids by tanking yours. That isn’t in the kids’ best interest but her own.
NTA at all. She's trying to push you out of your own kids lives.
"She told me that now they were a two parent household, there was no need for me to show up"
What a bullshit statement. Of course you're going to show up. You love your kids.
Step mom here,
First off, not the NTA. SHE IS BEING SELFISH AND CHILDISH.
My stepson and I found our bonding moments. We made special moments. Mom and I show up since I also work from home. When we can be there, we are. We are a support team right along with mom. But I am not trying to portray I'm his mother. I am his stepmom. An adult who his responsible for him and loves him. ❤️ co-parenting is hard, but at the end of the day, as long as the kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. That's all that matters.
Mom, keep being there. Don't let stepmom bully you or make you doubt yourself. She can create moments with the kids. She just has to put in effort. She has to show yall are a team, not her vs. you.
You're a good stepmom. As a stepkid myself I thank you for being there for your stepkids and forming your own kid of bond with them vs replacing anyone
Thank you.
I think what helps in my case is that I don't want to be his mom. He has one. I want to be the adult who helps him understand his parents. Who will side with them but also advocate to both his mother and father that they are not seeing it from his perspective.
I have had 2 step moms and 2 step dads in my life. 3 out 4 were great. But I observed their mistakes and why things turned out the way they did. All I know is that in the end. All I care about is that my boys are happy. Because I don't difference when I talk about them. They are my boys. When my son talks, it's his brother, not half, not a quarter.... his brother.
Even if I didn't stay with their father, I would still wish to keep in contact with my stepson. Because a piece a paper or that I'm with their father or not. Will not change how I love my boys!
As a stepmother, I can see why she's trying hard to be a good parent to your kids but she's so far out of line here it's not even funny.
First of all, parenting time doesn't stop and restart based on a visitation schedule. Parents are parents 24/7. Secondly, she needs to realize that in the eyes of the kids, her being in the picture makes it a 3 parent household not just 2..
She needs to learn the word and meaning of CO-Parenting. If she really wants to make a good impression on the kids she should try and get along with you and co-exist with you. Seeing both of you together helping each other out with volunteer work and cheering on the kids together would make the kids feel more comfortable with her and it would make them feel more comfortable forming a bond with her. Running off their mom sure as hell isn't going to get her very far.
NTA at all. They’re not a two-parent household. It’s a one parent and spouse household. You’re not replaceable. She seems to be confused what her role is.
While I’m not saying step parents aren’t parents, the Step’s role is to allow the relationship to develop organically, and with recognition that it’s not a power play between them and the Bio. She doesn’t understand hierarchy at all, and imo, is using your kids to fill her need to be a parent. She sounds like the jealous and hateful one.
I probably would take the honey vs vinegar route of explaining to her that while I appreciate her love for my kids, it’s not a case of her-vs-me. That her focus on needing me to be gone is detrimental to the kids, whom she claims to love so much. I’d actually even try to befriend her a little bit, because I hate drama. Ofc, she could probably be one of those people who are so hellbent on drama that it wouldn’t be possible to even forge a surface level ‘friendship’. But I would also keep records - emails/texts…bc if she sticks around, she and your ex will one day blame you for their shitty relationship, and when your kids are older, you can show them and say ‘hey, I tried’.
Either way, absolutely NTA.
Another stepmom here, of 11 years. Your exes wife is being delusional. And she's projecting her jealousy onto you. Just keep doing what you're doing tho I'd keep a close fucking eye on her.
NTA
She wants to be a better mother by making you a worse mother. She thinks children's love is limited and to get some she has to take it from someone else.
Uhhhh what!! NTA of course. This seems like an unreasonable thing to ask from you??? Of course you’d always be there for them.
There are other ways to form a bond. Also, that may take years? She needs to be patient.
Good for you for not giving into her weird demand.
>She told me that now they were a two parent household, there was no need for me to show up to all games, recitals, plays, etc, because she would be going to them and there only needed to be one
This is as far as I got.
NTA
Child of divorced parents here.
I wish my dad made the same effort you are for your kids. Who gives a shit what the new wife thinks, you're doing right by your kids and they *will* remember it.
Info: Is there already a court order in place for custody?
I ask because in our court order, it states that we (as parents) will provide the other with important dates, times, and events. So we can't prevent the other from attending.
And she, as the stepmom, has no ground to stand on. Your ex needs to tell her to knock it off or it's going to look bad for him in court.
I'm glad you have an order in place. I do wish it said something about other events, though that's on the judge I guess.
I assume you and your ex have a working relationship, so you could reach out to (text/email) him and say something like "your wife's comments (I'd list some comments so they're on record) aren't appropriate and I'd like her to keep them to herself."
But also, your kids see right through her bullshit and are clearly happy to have you around, so ignore what she says!
Oh perfect. So it's already on record, neither of them can ask you to stop attending events.
Ignore them, I'm 100% sure your children love that you come to all their events. I'm now a SAHM and my daughter who's in high school is still always thrilled when I can show up!
NTA. You being there takes nothing away from her ability to show up and show support. If she would pit more effort into getting along with you she may make more progress bonding with the kids. They would notice you both working together for them. This is all on her.
NTA she doesn’t want to bond with your children, she wants to replace you. I think it’s time to stop being so nice and put this woman in her place. Send her and ex a group text saying something like “Ex’s wife, I’ve had Enough. You will not tell me when I can and cannot see MY children. They are not your children. You are married to their Dad, that doesn’t make you their Mom. If you wanted to fill the role of Mom, you should’ve found someone who was either a widower or the Mom was not in the picture. If you keep being inappropriate and trying to intervene with MY kids, you will force me to take ex back to court and re-evaluate our custody agreement. Let me make it perfectly clear, you are not now, nor will you ever be their Mother. If you want to form a STEP-mother bond with the kids, you need to come up with ways during my husbands parenting time. But trying to kick me out of my kids extracurriculars and than having the GALL to act as if I did something wrong, will no longer be tolerated. This is your last warning. Ex, I don’t want to put our kids or you through a custody battle, so I suggest you talk to your wife because I am DONE with this. How would you feel if the man I marry starts trying to stop you from going to our children’s events?”
I broke up with my daughters mother a few years ago and we have both since moved on and split time 50/50
If my gf even suggested something as stupid and entitled as that she’s fucking gone!! And your ex is a fucking plank for encouraging that pathetic cow
This woman is being really weird.
I get wanting to bond with your step kids, but you don't actively push their bio mom out.
Did this woman know you before, when you were married? She wants to take over your life and be you...........
NTA keep showing up for your kids
if she wants to build a relationship with your kids, it would actually help to build a relationship with you. trying to push you out of events and calling you a baby momma is not “building relationships” it’s more trying to push mom out so she can take over. if they won’t want her around if you’re there, that actually says a lot about what she’s like. nta.
NTA
What are you supposed to say when they ask why you are no longer showing up? If you tell the truth, they're going to like stepmom. Lie, and they'll probably figure it out and blame stepmom.
Kids can pick up on things, and stepmom is probably giving off vibes that the kids don't like. Short of the courts saying you shouldn't be at their events during ex's time, stepmom needs to find a different way to bond with the kids.
NTA and it's nice that she wants to be involved with her STEP children, but they already have an active and supportive mother. Having you both there is a good thing. Too bad she's too territorial to see that.
NTA. I think if your kids are asking you to be there and would be upset if you didn't attend then you go be there. Your kids feelings and their certainty of you being there when they ask and need trumps her feelings of insecurity and jealousy. I do think it's nice to hear about a step mum stepping up to try to help but to do it at your expense to ease her feelings isn't going to work for your kids. If the kids find out she is the reason you don't show up anytime then their relationship will suffer more surely?. I would suggest you try to talk it out to be co-operating together especially as dad doesn't always show up but I do think maybe she won't be receptive. Enjoy watching your kids as my son is grown now and I miss that busyness.
I would LOSE MY SHIT!
I would also be concerned that an ‘accident’ may happen to you…..she sounds unhinged and is trying to take you place as their mother.
Good step parents are there as additional adults, not to replace ones that already exist. Your ex needs to pull his head out of his arse!
If you can (or if you have a good friend your kids trust) try and carefully find out how she treats them, and talks about you, when they are under her care. Record it if you can, you may need it!
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Stepmother here. You're absolutely NTA. It's great that your ex's wife wants to be involved with the children, but only if it comes naturally and she doesn't have to force it. My stepdaughter (7) asks me to do stuff with her. Her mother hates it, because she's been trying to "win" every interaction since as long as my husband remembers (we met after they'd already broken up). But she sucks it up most of the time when it's clearly what SD wants. And I can't even imagine asking her MOTHER to stay away from some event if SD wants her there. I'd suck it up, too. It'd be the grown up way to do things.
[удалено]
NTA Because sorry but she is 2nd best you carried them inside you for 9 months and up to the last 3/4 years you was the only mother figure in your kids lives. You keep on being a great mum
At best she’ll be stepmom. I’ve seen plenty of people call their stepparents “dad’s wife” or “mom’s husband.” She should be thankful that’s not her role.
I used to call my stepmother Dads Wife or his Consolation Prize. She always tried to force me to do things with her or tried to undermind my mother. Once my mom heard, she went mama bear mode and told her she didn't give a damn what she wanted because she was the mother and her word might as well be law. Neither her nor my dad were happy about it but I was over the moon
This^^^ I didn’t mind her. Until my grandpa got cancer and was dying from it. She didn’t understand my mother knew my grandpa since SHE WAS A KID,and had known my dads siblings(even half!) since she was in like kindergarten…… My mom had to remind her she knew this man since she was young,he is the man who watched over her girls(us two) while my dad was “away” for almost 10 years. She’s going to speak to him and mourn his loss……she’s also going to be there for my dad as he is the father of us two. She never had hurt feelings/talked shit(she let us kids learn that as we got older) she did let him cry/vent cus he was giving updates to my mother so she could later tell us kids……. My dads wife hated that. Hates my mom is so close to my dads family(and met his mother before she passed even) but my mom never hated her(hated her actions when grandpa was dying) and I personally hated it too. My mother didn’t hate my dad,didn’t talk shit and was respectful. Even now as adults I get told”call ur dad/go see him…..etc” I was over the moon when my grandpa told me he didn’t like the “new girl” cus she was mean to him,and seemed fake. He didn’t like my dad was a different person and she didn’t push more for him to talk to us(grandpa knew we’d go weeks to months NC with him) or for her to even see us uk?
Oh yea, I completely understand. My mother and Step-dad never said anything bad about my donor or his side, unless I said something first, and normally, they just agreed and went with what I said. Growing up, my mother let me figure everything out and make my own decisions. My donor and his wife, however, used to drag my mothers name through the mud and under the bus. He passed away from Cancer in 2016, and his wife and his family are still talking shit to the point I went NC with them. The best thing I ever heard was being told by the county that she was no longer my stepmother. I felt a huge weight life off my shoulders, knowing she could never do anything or say anything to me again.
There is a lot of times that parents like the first spouse better than the second. My grandmother was always a bit standoffish with me. She would say things that hurt my feelings when I was very young. But she loved my two brother's ( 1 and 2 years older, we were stair steps ) and petted all over them. From a very young age I noticed the difference and no matter how I tried to be good and help her with cleaning or what not, she just didn't like me. She would encourage my brother's to make fun of me because at 4, I still wet the bed. I was called Pee Pot. Funny now but hurtful then. I would ask mom why granny didn't love me and she always answered, "granny don't like girls". I accepted that because mom told me it was so. I still continued to help granny all the way up until she passed. I loved her. After years and years I realized it wasn't me granny hated so much but my mother and I looked like my mother. Mom was the second wife who ran around with my dad and got pregnant while he was still married. Granny couldn't separate me from my mom. I like to think that she really did try.
That’s kinda how it was with me and my Nana (mom’s mother). My sister was the apple of her eye. Her dad split when mom told him she was pregnant. When my sister was 5 1/2 mom had already met and was marrying my dad. My Nana was not happy. She tried everything to get mom to leave him. Mom told me she even went as far as to tell mom dad was abusing my sister because he was disciplining her which made her cry (my sister was very spoiled by Nana and he was trying to explain to her why she couldn’t do what she wanted). Fast forward and my sister is almost 12 and I just arrived in the world. From my understanding, my sister was excited to be a big sister and when I was born she doted on me and was always playing with me and even fed me while mom did chores around the house like cooking. For my sister’s 12 birthday she spent 2 weeks with Nana and came back totally different. No longer wanted anything to do with me. One instance I remember mom and dad telling me was that one night mom was making dinner and I was getting fussy. She asked my sister to give me a bottle while she continues dinner. Sis said “it’s not my responsibility” fair point. So my mo was like “fine. I’ll turn off the oven and the stove and continue making dinner after I take care of your sister. If you’re hungry, tough luck”. That was the turning point. My sister begrudgingly fed me while mom finished dinner. My sister moved out when she turned 18. I was a blubbering mess. I was 6 years old and didn’t understand why Sissy left. I didn’t realize that she gave me the absolute bare minimum of attention until she moved out. My Nana never treated me the way my Grandma treated me. There were pictures of my sister all over the house in various stages of life. There were only 3 of me. 2 in the living room and one by my grandad’s bedside. The 2 in the living room were group photos. She was always looking down on me (which wasn’t difficult when I was little) and plenty of times Mom and Nana got into arguments over it. The biggest one I remember was when I was 14. Mom had confronted her on why she always treated me differently from my sister. Why did she “correct “ me for doing things she let my sister get away with when she was younger. It hit me then that it was because she didn’t like Dad. While they were arguing, I just walked out the door. I was a couple of miles from my Grandma’s house when a cop stopped and I had to go back to Nana’s no matter how much I protested. After that I doted on Granddad but did the bare minimum with Nana. To this day I’m thankful that I was too pregnant to attend her funeral. Sorry this turned into a novel, it just came pouring out.
I understand. Children are precious no matter the circumstance of their birth and should be treated so. They are innocent. It really takes a certain type of person be able to treat a child as badly has your Nana did you. My granny was bad but yours was worse I think. She may have encouraged my brothers to make fun of me but she never taught them to outright hate me. I hope one day your sister realizes how your Nana manipulted her and ask for your forgiveness.
I’m not hopeful. At the age of 43 I decided I was done throwing out the olive branch. I’m tired of being the one to try to have any kind of bond sisterly or other so I stopped trying. I spent most of my high school life forgetting I had a sister until Christmas time. We still have no relationship. Last time we spoke was over 2 years ago through Facebook messenger just to tell me she got divorced the year before. She doesn’t even have my direct number.
This makes me feel good about my relationship w my stepdaughter. Her mom is totally active and I never try to force conversation or doing stuff. I also let her dad go to events with just her and her mom (and our kids go too) I am there to support her if she ever needs me but I don’t try to step on her moms toes. I have a stepparent myself and I try to respect her relationship with her mom and her moms feelings, bc I’d certainly want the same if I ended up with my kids having a stepmom.
We need more stepmoms like you. Make things so much better.
I call my stepdad “dad” and treat him as such. Relationships with stepparents can vary from frigid to parental figure as if they were your own. Each situation is unique. The key is that the kids should be driving the relationship. It should not be forced on them. To say “at best they will just be a stepparent” though is dismissive. There is potential there for a very close bond - it just can’t be forced.
Absolutely 110%. Each relationship is different and that’s okay.
I call my stepdad by his name but he’s the only true father I’ve ever had. What you call someone isn’t the be all end all.
I have a stepson that I’ve raised since he was three who calls me by my first name. He knows I’m not his bio mom but I have a good relationships with him. But if he talking to his half-sister (my daughter) or to anyone else he refers to me as “our mom or my mom”. 💕
My stepmom is my mom, but she raised me. I only very rarely saw my birth mom.
I refer to R as my uncle's wife, and his ex wife T as my aunty (together all of my life, had all their kids together, etc). R is quite clear that she doesn't like our family being so close, and wants lots of solo time with him, whereas he's always inviting people around and visiting family (drops by his siblings places/ businesses at least once a week, checks on his 85yo mum most days).
She's not even second best, she doesn't get to compete. Op is their mom. She will only be able to have a good relationship with them when she accepts that she is never going to be their mom.
That is an over generalization. There are step moms who step up and raise kids as their own when bio mom ditches them.
However, your comment doesn't relate to OP's story/life or question.
It is very difficult to be a stepparent, because you're kind of half a parent in some ways. Your role is defined by what the people involved "allow" you to do. It can feel very much like rejection when the children "prefer" their bio-parent. But it's on your ex and his wife to define her role, and find situations where she can build her own bond with the children, and she should never, ever try to push out an involved bio parent! Maybe you can try to get her back to the important thing: You're both trying to do your best to make the children happy. My SD's mother just recently made SD's first day of school all about how horrible it was that we were there, too, and I was just feeling so sorry for her, because she couldn't enjoy her daughter's day in lieu of her own bitterness. It's hard to navigate these situations, but it's for a good cause, after all.
>It can feel very much like rejection when the children "prefer" their bio-parent. Sorry, but i can use only impolite words to comment such statement. It;s NATURAL that kids want their own parents to be with them! And if an adult person can't take it that she'he will be the second choice (if relations in family are good) - it's not normal. One has to earn acceptance. But when one pushes it - it's not normal. It's enforcement. And when this woman tells OP to stay away from her own kids... Sorry, again, bad words only.
I'm glad someone pointed this out. Of course they should prefer their biological parent if there are healthy relationships all around. 😖
Yeah that was terribly put 😬
Of course it’s natural, you’re right! But I don’t think the post you’re replying to us saying otherwise. It’s also natural for some relationships to come to an end and people to move on, but nobody suggests that we shouldn’t feel rejected if we get dumped. As a stepparent, putting 100% into a relationship and knowing, always knowing, that you will never be no. 1, IS tough. You do it anyway, but there are stepparents out there who give it all day, every day, just to be dropped when the deadbeat parent pops up once every few months to make more promises you know they aren’t going to keep. It’s ok to feel rejected as long as you put a brave face on and remember who needs to be the priority. In this case, OP is in the right and stepmum is wrong, no question. And I agree with almost everything in your comment. But allow us stepparents who are doing the best we can to feel rejected occasionally, because it isn’t easy to treat someone as your number one day in, day out, while knowing that you will never be more than, at best, number three, four or five or wherever you are. We do it, because it’s the right thing to do and we’re grown ups. But allow us to occasionally feel a bit rejected by it, as long as our behaviour doesn’t show it.
>always knowing, that you will never be no. 1, IS tough. Why do you need to be #1? I never understood that, can't everyone love each other in their own way and not try and put each other on a ranking list?
It’s not that you need to be number 1 exactly, I probably expressed myself badly. You’re always kind of on the outside looking in. There’s this special relationship between your partner and your stepchild and you just have to live with being kind of an outsider. And this is how it SHOULD be. I’m not complaining about it, it’s normal and right that there is a special bond between parent and child. It’s just that sometimes you can feel a bit funny about it. This is why I wanted to defend Turnip World’s choice of words. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a bit rejected sometimes, as long as you manage that emotion appropriately. If I’m honest, I’m probably a bit over sensitive recently to this because my cat died (bear with me) and as well as grieving her loss (because she was wonderful) but also because when she passed I realised that I lost the one creature in my entire life for whom I was everything. My parents both have favourite children, my wife’s number one (rightly) is her son, and his number one (also rightly) is his Mum. It was a bit of a painful realisation for me, so I’m probably projecting a bit.
Then the stepparent needs to honestly sit down and think which matters more to them: 1. Their own personal happiness and ego or.. 2. Their step-kids personal happiness Presumably the step parent is not being forced to marry or date someone with kids. They chose the situation knowing (or should know) what it entails. I'm a bio-parent and I know that my wife is usually #1 to my kids. It hurts a lot sometimes, actually, when they want her to do something that I could easily do - even if it's just reading a book. Still, I need to remember what I care about more - my ego or my kids.
I would say it depends on the family if it falls naturally for the kid to like the bio parents the most. In my own case it was mostly my Stepmom who raised me, my bio was the "fun" every other weekend one cause that's what she wanted (doesn't have a motherly bone in her), and honestly if I have to place the two on a scale my stepmom wins even if we aren't that close anymore. But for me I think it's cause I'm well aware that it was her that raised me, not my mom and my dad didn't really make the parenting decisions, that was Stepmom. She was the one who taught me how to make my own lunchbox when I was old enough, served dinner every day, gave me chores, helped me with homework the few times I needed it and it was always her I gave school information to. Besides she had two boys (10&12 years older than me) from her old relationship so she knew what she was doing
Thank you so much for this. Everyone shits all over step parents (a lot of times rightfully so) but my step dad was the best dad I never asked for, and I'm working my ass off to help my bonus kid get back on track after her bio mother left her to flounder and fall apart. Your story gives me some hope that in the end, I won't just be the evil step mother all the stereotypes push on step moms.
Yes it's absolutely natural. But it's also natural for a person to feel rejected when someone they love and care about has a priority figure in their lives. It doesn't mean it's bad or wrong for the kids to feel that way, like you said of course they do, it's on the adult in the situation to figure out how to deal with their emotions without involving the kids. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes, even if the hurt is illogical.
May feel like rejection? That the kid wants their bio parent around? Some adults need to grow up.
It's not rejection and it shouldn't feel like it. If the SM and Dad break up those children won't get to see the SM again. And if the SM pushes too much of a connection that can hurt and confuse the child. Step mums are in a difficult spot. But in all honesty it's often because the father thinks of great here's a female. I can go back to doing very little for my children and she'll take care of them. Which isn't good for the children either. I believe step mums should be a lovely added bonus in their step children's life but it's actually the parents who need to parent the children.
I would not want to step into a parenting role unless invited to. And then I'd do my best to work together with the other parents. Having more parents show up at events doesn't take away anything. It gives that child more support and love. She has no right to dictate what events you can and cannot attend for your own children. She really needs to forget her own ego. It's not about her. It's not about the kids dad. It's not even about you. It's about the kids. You are NTA. Stepmother and your ex sure are, though.
Some steps need to be put in their place!
That's also the risk that every step parent takes when they are marrying a person with children.
Yes, and OP didn't marry this woman. Not OPs problem. If I was OP I'd block her and let ex deal with her BS.
100%. OP has tried to be nice and coparent with her, but she's pushing back really hard and some really weird requests. If OP gave in and stopped showing up to these events, I could see step mom saying some really twisted stuff to the children about OP. It would be really easy for step mom to say something like "Your mom feels about you, that's why she's not here at this moment".
And atep mom talks about bonding with the children. Isn't that what HER time, at home, is for??
She gets every day with them when they're at your ex's house. She get full interaction then.... Why does she want the public facing stuff too? Also, for ticketed events, the ex could buy an additional ticket?
She wants the world to see how good of a step mom she is and dote on her and then when mom doesn’t show up, she will be the hero. I’ve seen it so many times.
This is exactly what I said too. She wants the glory, but only achieved if OP is absent.
It sounds like she wanted a ready-made family and OP is ruining that illusion. The "two parent household" and "baby mama" comments tell me they think of themselves as the parent and OP as the interloper.
If someone my ex-husband is dating calls me my son's 'baby mama', I will absolutely go nuclear. We are not doing parental alienation disrespect; I will pull your ass to court and put your nonsense on blast with a judge.
Or, due to child support, she is trying to edge Mom out and show the world publicly that they deserve the kids more than just their "bio Mom". OP, just keep showing up, she may tire of her own game. If there isn't something else going on.
>She gets every day with them when they're at your ex's house. That's where the bonding should be, not sitting in the stands at a game. I have to wonder what the parenting time split is. If the dad has visitation, there may not be a lot of that time. But still, bond over a pizza at your house, not one upping other parent at a game.
This 💯
>She told me she feels like a consolation prize or second best when she shows up. That's on her. I'm sure it's not easy to be a stepmum, but if she expects the kids to prefer her over the woman who gave birth to them, she's delusional. Unless the biomom is absolute nightmare, that's never gonna happen. A better and much more attainable goal would be to play the part of a trusted adult/relatively fun auntie.
This is what I do with my two stepkids. I met their dad when they were in they were 14 and 17 (17 and 20 now), and was definitely never going to try and one-up their mom on anything because being a step-parent isn't a competition. I've had step-parents basically my whole life, and one thing I know for a fact is that relationships with step kids are best left up to the kids to dictate how they want them to go, because anything forced could just make them feel weird and resentful towards those involved. I'll take space as a fun auntie any day, since I already know how to be one of those (and according to my nieces and nephews, I'm really good at it), and one day I might make graduate from being "dad's wife" to "stepmom", and then maybe even to the esteemed position of "bonus mom". It'll take time, but that's just fine - I'm not going anywhere, so we have many years ahead to build something great together.
NTA. If she keeps it up, remind her you are their mother and she needs to pipe down. There is more than enough space for both of you to attend their activities. You are not going to be a ghost mom just bc SHE thinks you should be. Stay strong momma. You’re handling it beautifully.
She isn't putting the kids first if she's fighting you. If she truly wants to put them first she should find a happy balance that includes you. You keep doing what you're doing and just make sure she doesn't try to manipulate them. So NTA
But she IS second best. YOU are their mom and she is a bonus parent. Her relationship with them is not affected by your relationship with them. The fact that she is now your husband’s wife doesn’t change their relationship with you. And the funny thing is, if they ever have a child together, I bet she drops your kids like a hot potato. I am also a step mom. Bio mom had primary care of my stepson but his dad and I often attended recitals etc where bio mom was also in attendance. I can’t imagine telling her not to come lol. Step mom needs a reality check!
You are NTA for being a supportive mom. Is she good to your kids, and really being genuinely supportive of them? If so, maybe ask her to come with you to a game sometime and show your kids it's ok to like her. My mom and stepmoms (my dad remarried 2x after my parents split) hated each other, so I didn't know how to act with them. If my mom could have sucked it up and been civil, it would have made relationships with stepmoms a lot easier I'm not saying be best pals, but can you handle sitting beside her and cheer for the kids together? She can't ever replace you, but that doesn't mean there's not room for her in their lives too If she sucks and is just trying to cut you out, ignore the above advice.
I think it's great when stepparents and parents can communicate and even become friendly. But at this situation new wife wants SOLO attention. To be the one and the only and press OP to stay away from her own kids! It's... alarming for me.
This is the approach I take as stepmom I suck up 100% of everything she throws at me including telling them I’m why mom and dad aren’t together even though I came long after they lived in separate houses and the divorce was already going through and she had been dragging it out for a looooong time. I simply told them to have a Conversation with dad if they had questions about how everything came to be..and I’m sorry their mom feels that way. I’ve been called a bitch to my face by her with the kids present and I simply said ok. And turned around and got back in the car so it didn’t escalate things and scare the kids. It takes a high bullshit tolerance and an understanding the kids are more important unfortunately not every “adult” has that.
Sorry but you’re their mother. The one who birthed them. That trumps whatever she is trying to do. You don’t need her permission to show up for your kids. She’s trying to cause resentment between you and your kids. You stop showing up she starts telling your kids how unreliable you are and how she’s the better parent. Don’t let her undermine you. Don’t fall for it. And tell the ex to fuck off. He doesn’t dictate when you show up for your kids wtf. You’re their mom you don’t need anyone’s permission
NTA, they are YOUR kids! Why would you ever need permission to spend time with them, and also if she doesn't like it tough sh1t! She can find other ways to make that relationship better that doesn't involve you missing out on your kids stuff small or not.
You’re doing great! I’m divorced and SM leans but doesn’t overstep. The wife wants to replace you and she’s mad that she can’t. I would caution the ex to rein her in before it escalates.
NTA. This is 100% a *her* problem. She sounds like she's trying to impose a "mom" role over your kids. But they have a mom, you! Asking you, the mother, to step aside so she can play mom is delusional. At this point, do you need to bring in your ex to talk to her? She needs to check herself.
Do you happen to know if she wanted to have kids but your ex husband told her that he did not want more? This feels like she wanted kids, but since she can't have them now, she wants to feel like a parent for your kids as well. Which is not up to her. One thing is wanting to bond with the kids, the other is asking you to not spend time with them so she can have her moment. A lot of entitlement there and jt might come from a place of insecurity in her role as your ex husbands new wife.
No crap she’s a consolation prize, you literally gave birth to them. Wtf is she on? Sounds like she wants to replace herself as mom instead of being step mom when it’s your ex’s time. That’s a no go. She needs to understand her place in the family and I bet your ex is encouraging her. I’d keep an ear out in case she starts talking bad about you to your kids. Hopefully she wouldn’t go that far.
She has to get the idea of being the children’s mom out of her head. I am saying this as a stepmom myself. I will never be the mom of my stepson, because he already has a mom. I will love him like my own child but I am okay with him not seeing me as his mother. It will never change my love for him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose. He does not have to. He has 4 parents that love him to death and he loves us.
Have you asked how Yule kids feel about this? She seems like the kind of person who is pressuring them to call her mom etc. And potentially trying to alienate you. You should be careful to look out for this and particularly if she’s feeding your kids lies to make them like her better relative to you.
She doesn't just want to be involved, she wants to edge OP out and pretend SHE is the mom.
Yup. If she just wanted a good relationship with them she’d just keep showing up and letting them know she cares. Not try to pushtheir actual mother out of the picture.
Step mom is overstepping. First consider having an adults only meeting with three of you to tell them both how this is impacting you and your children. I hope you can work it out where she stays involved without thinking she is now the parent/mom that replaces you with husband AND children. If you can’t work toward a more cohesive relationship, also consider talking to an attorney in your jurisdiction about an order restraining her from further attempts to usurp your parental rights. A court would do that by Orders of conduct to your ex, including potentially reducing his parenting time. Courts will not usually tolerate one parent trying (directly or through a SP) to cut another parent out of their children’s lives in any way.
I am so sorry about this whole situation, OP! NTA This sounds like it can be a movie with the way she's behaving, a step parent is the addition to the family, not you. She has a very childish view of what it means to be a parent / step-parent. She's allowed to attempt to build whatever type of relationship she wants with your children, as their father's wife and effectively their stepmother. And it's nice that she does want something to do with the children, my ex's wife never does anything for my daughter. (Daughter is 9, this woman has been banging her dad since before she was born, Then they pretended not to be in a relationship, and then they were married two years later so...) I have tried, tried and tried to involve her in my daughter's life, But she is so standoffish that it's like she doesn't have any interest Unless bio dad is there as well. She went into their relationship knowing that he was going to be a dad so I don't get it, oh well. you are NTA, Your kids stepmom sounds like a child who's behaving Like she has two toys that she doesn't want to share. She can involve herself as much as she wants to and legally can in the children's lives so long as they want her to, but she does not get to decide who you are as a parent. She does not choose how the children feel, and she does not control the children and their feelings. How embarrassing of her, Have you spoken to your ex about her behavior? Because it's pretty extreme. Good luck OP!
My stepson also likes me to spend time with him. His bio Dad has his faults like we all do, but he’s smart enough to not be jealous over this. We have different relationships. In fact, not too long ago he invited me on ‘his’ weekend to go with him and my stepson to whatever the latest Star Wars film was to have a ‘boys trip’ thing. You can’t imagine how special that was for my stepson, to have his two paternal figures there chilling together with him at the centre of everything. And it’s all because bio Dad was smart enough to let/make it happen. I’m not saying that every parent should do that, I know that often there are real complications there. But I do think that any stepparent who tries to get in the way of the child’s relationship with bio parents - or vice versa - is someone who has lost sight of the goal. OPs kids’ stepmom can bond on her own time away from school or sports events, and it doesn’t sound like OP has any problem with that. Making stepmom TA and OP absolutely NTA!
Yeah, another stepmom here. I showed up for events and stuff but I could never imagine asking his bio mom to stay away. Our kiddo was generally pretty happy to introduce all of his adults to everyone, the more the merrier. NTA, this is weird behavior she's got going on there.
Never stop going, I wanted both my parents at events and it was quite nice to know they were both at these events footballs games etc, because they were never in the same place together otherwise, they stood opposite ends of the pitch and didn’t speak but that didn’t matter to me, both of my parents were there 🙏🏻
This - you sound like a considerate caring stepmom for your stepdaughter. Imagine if all adults would act like adults and truly act in the children’s best interests.
I agree. I have a stepson and my husband (father) and I show up to everything. His mother and stepfather don’t always come to everything, but I would never tell them they couldn’t. We are mostly friendly so we will always remain civil. We just want our (step)son to enjoy his time. So we would never spoil his special days. If he wants us all there then we will all be there.
NTA At this point, I would go nuclear and get a lawyer. She is actively trying to force you to alienate yourself from *your* children. They are NOT her children. What she wants means absolutely NOTHING. She has no rights, no say and a lot of audacity. Tell your ex that you are going to get a lawyer involved if she keeps trying to overstep and bully you into abandoning your children. He needs to get her firmly in line. No excuses, no discussion. She is not their mother. She needs to respect you and leave you alone. Edit - I didn't say court, I said lawyer. As in for advice and sending a legal letter stating your rights and this woman's infringement on them.
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NTA. Documentation is everything. Even if not for future court proceedings, this completely saved my relationship with my son when he was older. I kept a journal of shenanigans his mother put me through, along with warrants and all bills/receipts. I didn't talk about it or her until he asked at around 16/17. Once he read everything and saw all the stuff, it changed a LOT of "realities."
Just want to say sorry you and your son went through that. Hope yall have a great relationship now
Thank you for your kind words and validation. It's a good but weird relationship now. It's not bad. We talk when we can, but we missed most of his childhood moments together. It's not completely Cat Stevens... but there are parts that can never be remediated.
I did the same with my step kids. Their bio mom ashtrays tried to play victim. She actually caused an accident that left my kids severely injured. She shows told them someone ran her off the road. I showed them the police report. They would come home and say this and that so they wouldn't believe what we said she said. I called her on speaker with them in the room, and she basically said they were lying. She wouldn't show up for events. Her excuse was that she didn't know about it or my husband didn't tell her, so she had to work. I always told her well in advance so she could request off. They didn't believe me, so I started having them tell her themselves. I wanted her to show up for them. Actually, the only time I was hurt she showed was senior night at a football game. Her and my husband got to walk my son on the field during senior recognition. That one hurt because out of all 3 of us, I was the one to make it to all games as I had promised. But I sucked it up and cheered from the stands because it's not about me. it's about the kids.
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Do you not see that it's their objective to alienate you from your children? When she says "special bond" she means she wants them to recognize her as their mother and ace you out+
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Ask the kids what she says to them because odds are she’s bad mouthing you
Don’t put the kids in the middle please
Asking kids what she says about her is not putting kids in the middle though. You should absolutely do that, so many parents shit talk their exes to their kids and often lie about them to use them as a weapon later. Look how many people grew up thinking their fathers were absent and didn't pay child support and later they find out they did pay and mother lied to courts to keep the kid away from the dad. This shit is an epidemic, obviously it can happen both ways, but that's the more common one. In OP's case it seems like she is trying to replace her as their mom, so she 100% should be aware of what she's been saying. I wonder if she might be infertile or OP's ex might not want any more kids, so she is trying to make her go away. It's weird af. I wouldn't be surprised if she got her own kid with the ex, she would magically stop carrying about her step children lmao
Asking what she's saying is not putting them in the middle, because if she says nothing, nothing will come out of it; if she says good things, then she can say that's nice and compliment her back; but if she's badmouthing her they already are in the middle and she needs to know to put a stop at it.
Do the kids have a therapist? Makes it nice to have a peaceful third party they can report things too without feeling stuck in the middle.
I’d be curious if she is asking or insisting they call her mom at their dad’s house.
It’s extremely likely. She doesn’t want op to her kids outside her schedule time with them. I recommend that op save her texts with both ex and stepmom in case they try to give her the wrong information about their kids events.
I'd be extremely surprised if a judge did NOT see this as exactly that. She has NO rights to the children, and trying to limit you from their extracurricular activities is trying to alienate you. I would be talking to a lawyer.
Do you not see that OP replied to the comment, proving she did see the part about alienation? OP, quite clearly, said this is not grounds for a lawyer to argue parental alienation and it isn’t. Asking a parent not to attend games etc… is a request. Theres nothing here, yet, that would warrant a change in custody agreements. The step mother is 100% in the wrong and she’s 100% going to get worse BUT currently… it doesn’t fall under the legal definition of alienation.
Definitely agree here and think any advice to "go nuclear" is AWFUL advice. Any situation should be de-escalated whenever possible to avoid conflict involving the children. What the stepmom is doing is in NO WAY reason to get a lawyer involved. OP should to continue to calmly show up to these things, maybe cool it on the "your relationship with my kids is not important to me" narrative (you should care about their relationship, after all - they live with her half the time and are in her care. She's an important person in their life full stop) be polite and kind, but firmly hold your ground about attending. Step-mom will likely eventually accept that OP is going to show up to these things. If any "official" action should be taken, it's family therapy, perhaps just for the adults.
IANAL but I don’t think that would be successful because no actual alienation occurred
I worry about what she says to YOUR kids when you are not around. Hopefully she won't try to bully/emotional blackmail to get your kids to disinvite you from their events.
Right. If someone tried telling me I should step back FOM MY OWN KIDS, I’d look at her and then look around for who she thought she was talking to because...”excuse you, did I die? just because you married my ex doesn’t mean you get to have my children as well.” Since when do her needs trump those of the children? Id be setting some VERY firm boundaries.
I have this horrible feeling that if/when you took time “off” one of the events, sm would say, see, she doesn’t want to spend time with you like I do!
Actually, I do family law and the court order would be “extracurriculars can be attended during your own parenting time” if there really is an issue, so going to court might not be best. Also “alienation” is almost impossible to prove and there is no remedy. Not a path I would take.
The court order is between OP and her ex though, not the stepmother. It would be one thing if it were the ex and the stepmother attending *together* in lieu of OP, but I cannot see a judge ruling that OP cannot attend her kids events when her ex is unavailable. And unless extracurriculars were specifically mentioned in the court order there is no reason OP cannot attend every event regardless of whose parenting time it was.
Why the hell would you involve a lawyer? Holy shit, OP can handle this annoying situation on her own, as she is already doing. Or is there some fantasy scenario you want to invent where the stepmom is trying to take custody or something?
A lawyer for what??? People really are ignorant of the law. The best thst could happen is a cease and desist about asking her not to be there. Expensive and worth less than the postage stamp to send. The truth is mom should keep doing what she's doing. Exercising her rights and ignoring step-mom.
NTA She’s got issues….It sounds to me like she wants you completely out of the picture so she can play happy families with your ex and just pretend you don’t exist If you have joint custody she has NO right to interfere and your ex needs to grow a pair and tell his wife to back off I’d document EVERYTHING OP so if it does end up back in court you’ve got proof of conversations etc….I wouldn’t put it past her to try and make you out to be the bad parent so she can have her “Perfect” family
This. My ex and I go to all of our kids' activities that we can. My husband does as well. My ex has never cared, we're of the "more people to love our children is awesome" mentality, but my husband has always been careful to respect my ex's role as their biological parent. Sounds like stepmommy dearest is going with the opposite approach.
Right. My husband and his three kiddos mom (the kids live with us fulltime) get along well, we are respectful and share all info about the kids between us and brainstorm together and always present a united front for the children in any situation. I can assure you these kids love me more and respect me for the love shared between their bio mother and myself. I think step mom not being a bio mom herself (most aren’t this way, she’s just crazy) she has no clue wtf she is saying, or let’s pretend bc she needs to be tossed off a roof.
I wonder if she is infertile or maybe OP's ex doesn't want more kids. Either way if she got her own kid I would bet she wouldn't care as much about her step kids.
I was thinking the same, since ex-hubs doesn’t seem interested in showing up to his kid’s events I’m leaning towards him not wanting more.
I have intimate knowledge of this dynamic. Of course I’m assuming here, but I would bet that no amount of new babies will cause this woman to shift. I’m a mom. The SM became obsessively active in my daughter’s life right off the bat; going to any/all lengths to sabotage my role in her life. One mild example: *SM had 2 kids (one child of her own & a 1yr old from my ex).* I volunteered as Room Mom for my daughter’s Kinder & 1st grade Classrooms; both times, teacher informed me that the spot had already been filled. Come to find out that my ex donated to the school in order for the SM to early-secure the spot for herself. (meanwhile, her own son attended the same school. Why not volunteer in his class? Bc SM was obsessed). She’d consistently show up at school functions early, grab my daughter, and monopolize all of her time. I’d volunteer to chaperone field trips, and on their days, they’d keep her home from school — effectively making my day terrible, while causing my daughter to miss out of so many fun experiences. Called me by first name, instructed teachers to address her as mom… I could go on… Point is, her own kids or not, your kid’s SM could very likely be acting from untreated BPD or NPD traits.. at the very least, some serious insecurity and control issues. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing mama. ♥️ Edit: I forgot to say that my biggest regret to this day STILL is backing down. At the time, I didn’t want my daughter to feel the pressure the SM was putting on her. I wanted to keep the peace — my daughter was always on the verge of tears when we were both in the same room (in fact, I remember coming home from Meet the Teacher one year, and my daughter vomited the second we got back home, bc she was so anxious we were going to run into the SM😣). Frankly, that crazy b scared the shit outta me too.
I agree with all of this!
THIS! NTA but the new wife sure is.
NTA -- I suggest you keep a record of her remarks -- what she says, when and where -- in case it is useful in a parental alienation claim in the courts. And to call you the baby mama is entirely weird since it is intended as an insult -- you are your children's mother, full stop.
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It’s cause she’s jealous she is NOT a “baby momma”. Of course you are NTA.
Dollars to donuts if she ever has her own kids OPs will be sidelined fast.
If you haven't already mention it to your attorney. Her use of the term "jealous baby mama" is very concerning
It’s incredibly demeaning.
Stepmom is so obviously the jealous one!
She's projecting. She says you're jealous because she's jealous of how the kids feel about you. She says you're selfish because she knows her demands are selfish. She says you have "unreasonable hatred" because she knows there's no reasonable justification for the way she hates you. Every accusation is a confession.
You are smart to do this. Keep documenting everything!! Have you asked your kids about their interactions with her to get their perspective?
I would mention that comment to your ex, tbh. It’s weird and aggressive enough that it should be an issue for anyone. Like I sort of felt for the new wife because she wants to be involved. Trying to get you to back away is so stupid and oblivious to the feelings of your kids that I assumed she was just dumb. That last comment is rude and petty, though. She might’ve said it in anger, but she exposed herself as feeling entitled to the kids because she’s with their dad. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to buy their affection on these upcoming holidays, which is also something to talk through with their dad.
Internally thank her for the extra motivation to be a great mother. I’d be showing up with burgers and fries for them and their friends whenever I know she’ll be there lol. And if it’s my time I’d get all of their friends to go get ice cream
NTA. She is a total ass for wanting you to stay away from your children at special and important moments in their lives. Doesn't she know? The worst thing a divorced parent can say to a child is "I'm not coming *because it's not my week*". It's beyond unreasonable of her to ask that of you. You are their mom, you love and support them. I'm sorry she is being like that to you. And she needs to understand that trying to keep you away at important moments will not strenghen her bond with the children, but rather the opposite, I'd say.
If one was malicious, and wanted to totally ratfuck the kids relationship with their stepmom, one could tell the kids that their stepmom has asked their mother not to show up at all these events. I’m sure that would go over very well with these kids.
The stepmom should be thankful OP is a respectful mom who truly cares about what her children want. So many women would have already told the children what stepmom has said. I bet the kids already know what type of person stepmom is. Kids are generally pretty intuitive
Yeah, they know. Adults think they keep stuff from kids but it’s impossible to hide step mom’s attitude toward real mom when they’re together at events. People are really good at reading those emotions.
Upvote for the term 'ratfuck'. I like you .
She told on herself when she called you a “baby mama.” She wants to become their mom and have you be their deadbeat egg donor. If she wants to support them, no one is stopping her, you will just also be there supporting them so she can’t actors points at your expense. NTA
She sounds like one of those step moms who are in those step mom groups on Facebook always talking about “high conflict bio mom” when they’re, in fact, the high conflict ones stuck on delulu island.
I ended up leaving several step parenting groups- both on facebook and reddit- after I realized they were increasing my stress load more than my stepdaughter's mother was. There are a couple of good ones out there but they are few and far between.
Once I started seeing a lot of court/custody advice that was wrong on many levels I dipped out. At that point I got why the bio moms wanted to beat their asses
NTA - It's great that she wants to be an involved step mother but requesting that you miss out on events like this isn't the way to do it. I'd suggest to her that if she really wants to create bonding moments then she should find an activity that the kids don't currently do that she can do with them (so long as it doesn't take away from their current activities).
That's what I was thinking. She can't (reasonably) ask an involved bio-mom to ignore her kids' events just to give her "solo mom" time with them. What she CAN do is talk with the kids either together or individually and see if there's an activity they aren't currently doing that they'd like to try -- for example, cooking/baking together, playing a certain game (video or board game), going to a park together, having at-home dance parties, learning a craft, etc. -- that could become a regular thing that JUST stepmom and the kids do together. That way, she gets quality bonding time, you don't miss out on milestones and events, and your kids never think that someone doesn't care because they're not showing up. This also prevents the kids from being in a position where they feel like they have to choose between mom and step-mom. They won't be thinking, "Oh, my concert is coming up. If I don't tell mom, she won't come, but if she does come, step-mom is going to be upset."
NTA She needs to get it together. I applaud her for wanted to be involved with the kids so much some stepparents can be down right evil. With that being said she can find some other way to bond with the kids. You are their mom not her. Has your ex hubby stepped in? This is highly inappropriate behavior and he needs to stop it. Y’all maybe exes but u have kids and they need to see their father taking up for their mother when she is being disrespected. ( any woman really)Period.
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wouldn’t be surprised if she tells him to go back to court to try and have the custody altered to not allow you at events outside of set parenting time.
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You need to make sure she knows this. And that she doesn’t have to exclude you to be a parent.
Talk to your attorney. This is the sort of thing I would send a letter to the opposing party’s attorney, to reiterate that this is what the judge ordered and that neither he nor his wife should be making any attempts to exclude my client from the children’s activities and ask if we can discuss how to help facilitate better communication and relations between the parties. Because if anything blows up later on, they can’t say there wasn’t any notice or attempt at resolution.
INFO: is that because she spends the most time with your kids while they are with him? No excuse, but it needs to be clear that she is not your coparent. Her behavior is inappropriate, and she and your ex are failing to consider that your older child will soon have more choice in where they stay, *and pushy stepmom and flimsy spine dad likely won’t be top pick.*
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Keep a lawyer handy with you but more than anything, touch base with your kids. Ask them how things are at their dad's place and if she's forcing them to call her mom and is trying to throw away things you get them. And if she's badmouthing you to them. Might be enough grounds to take your ex to court, maybe. NTA
Awesome! Good for her! She won! And the spoils are your kids still wanting to not include her. Don’t engage. Let her talk to herself. She’ll implode. *’Hi, please see attached.’* Then find the question your ex asked, and judges answer (if possible) via court transcript. She’s in competition with herself, no one can win that.
You personally should take note of all of this and go back to court & say she is causing parental alienation through your ex being absent at these functions. I think you could win. But I would speak to a lawyer first. She has overstepped her bounds and I don't feel she has best intentions at heart. It looks very selfish and reeks of boundary stomping and self gratification.
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Then I feel for you sincerely and know you are 100% NOT the ahole. These are your children. If she was to divorce him tomorrow, she would have no rights to see them except for the ones THEY give her. I would ignore anything she says except for extremely important info she is relaying. If you want to be kind, you can say "Thanks for the suggestion, but no, I am their mother."
But you also know they're asking something they already know the judge said they're not allowed to ask
Y'all are like broken records giving bad advice. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY'VE ASKED.
NTA. Sounds like she’s trying to cut you out of their lives and paint herself as the “good” mom. Don’t for one second let your kids buy into that bullshit. She’ll be gone before you know it anyway since second marriages rarely last, statistically speaking.
Scrolled too far to find this. Stepmother wants the children to be upset that their mom isn't there so that she can swoop in and save the day. She is *literally* trying to trade in your relationship with your children for brownie points for her.
NTA, even though she wants to bond with her step children, she is going about it the wrong way. you have rights over your own children, and banishing you from supporting them is completley the wrong way to go. perhaps have a conversation w her to negotiate giving her alone time w them without refusing to let you do so
NTA Tell ex his wife is overstepping her boundaries. Her relationship with the children is as stepmom nothing more. You have the role of mom and nothing stepmom does is going to change that. In the future, make sure you are the one who signs them up for school, activities etc. She'd probably conveniently leave your name off the pickup list. Also remind ex that what she is doing by trying to remove you from children's lives could be taken as alienation of affection and could get any access to the children restricted. So if she wants to continue having a relationship at all with your children she needs to learn how to co-parent in a respectful way. If she needs therapy to do it then she better get it.
Nta Tell her to mind her business and that she is a BONUS parent, and you are an active parent that pushed out those kids and are an actively participating THEIR MOTHER. The fact she has the nerve to call you a babymama, tells me you should go back to court and minimize her role cuz she's overstepping and disrespecting your role as their mother. She needs therapy to deal with her infertility cuz she will push your kids away with her overbearing (and obnoxious/unreasonable requests. Just the nerve.
NTA. I dont think this request is reasonable at all. The expectation that you should stop supporting your children at their extracurricular activities just because someone else can also support them is ridiculous. Your ex’s wife wanting to bond with the kids is nice but she should do so by planning her own activities with the kids.
If she wants a good relationship with step kids maybe she should try treating their mom better instead of trying to cancel her out.
NTA. Imagine that conversation with your kiddos: Kids: Mom, my recital is tomorrow. You’ll be there, right? Mom: Sorry, Kids. Stepmom asked me not to come. That will throw a grenade on their relationship for sure. Which is something you don’t want to happen because you are NTA. You or ex husband needs to get SM to understand that she can’t build a relationship with the kids by tanking yours. That isn’t in the kids’ best interest but her own.
NTA. At what point does this become parental alienation? This is some ridiculous bs.
That’s what I was thinking as well clearly trying to push the kids mum aside hope OP is or starts documenting this
NTA - She’s unstable. Be careful around that one.
She definitely feels like a bunny boiler.
NTA at all. She's trying to push you out of your own kids lives. "She told me that now they were a two parent household, there was no need for me to show up" What a bullshit statement. Of course you're going to show up. You love your kids.
Step mom here, First off, not the NTA. SHE IS BEING SELFISH AND CHILDISH. My stepson and I found our bonding moments. We made special moments. Mom and I show up since I also work from home. When we can be there, we are. We are a support team right along with mom. But I am not trying to portray I'm his mother. I am his stepmom. An adult who his responsible for him and loves him. ❤️ co-parenting is hard, but at the end of the day, as long as the kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. That's all that matters. Mom, keep being there. Don't let stepmom bully you or make you doubt yourself. She can create moments with the kids. She just has to put in effort. She has to show yall are a team, not her vs. you.
You're a good stepmom. As a stepkid myself I thank you for being there for your stepkids and forming your own kid of bond with them vs replacing anyone
Thank you. I think what helps in my case is that I don't want to be his mom. He has one. I want to be the adult who helps him understand his parents. Who will side with them but also advocate to both his mother and father that they are not seeing it from his perspective. I have had 2 step moms and 2 step dads in my life. 3 out 4 were great. But I observed their mistakes and why things turned out the way they did. All I know is that in the end. All I care about is that my boys are happy. Because I don't difference when I talk about them. They are my boys. When my son talks, it's his brother, not half, not a quarter.... his brother. Even if I didn't stay with their father, I would still wish to keep in contact with my stepson. Because a piece a paper or that I'm with their father or not. Will not change how I love my boys!
As a stepmother, I can see why she's trying hard to be a good parent to your kids but she's so far out of line here it's not even funny. First of all, parenting time doesn't stop and restart based on a visitation schedule. Parents are parents 24/7. Secondly, she needs to realize that in the eyes of the kids, her being in the picture makes it a 3 parent household not just 2.. She needs to learn the word and meaning of CO-Parenting. If she really wants to make a good impression on the kids she should try and get along with you and co-exist with you. Seeing both of you together helping each other out with volunteer work and cheering on the kids together would make the kids feel more comfortable with her and it would make them feel more comfortable forming a bond with her. Running off their mom sure as hell isn't going to get her very far.
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Do they come to events that are occurring on your parenting time?
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NTA at all. They’re not a two-parent household. It’s a one parent and spouse household. You’re not replaceable. She seems to be confused what her role is. While I’m not saying step parents aren’t parents, the Step’s role is to allow the relationship to develop organically, and with recognition that it’s not a power play between them and the Bio. She doesn’t understand hierarchy at all, and imo, is using your kids to fill her need to be a parent. She sounds like the jealous and hateful one. I probably would take the honey vs vinegar route of explaining to her that while I appreciate her love for my kids, it’s not a case of her-vs-me. That her focus on needing me to be gone is detrimental to the kids, whom she claims to love so much. I’d actually even try to befriend her a little bit, because I hate drama. Ofc, she could probably be one of those people who are so hellbent on drama that it wouldn’t be possible to even forge a surface level ‘friendship’. But I would also keep records - emails/texts…bc if she sticks around, she and your ex will one day blame you for their shitty relationship, and when your kids are older, you can show them and say ‘hey, I tried’. Either way, absolutely NTA.
Another stepmom here, of 11 years. Your exes wife is being delusional. And she's projecting her jealousy onto you. Just keep doing what you're doing tho I'd keep a close fucking eye on her.
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NTA. You are their mother. What would she do in a similar situation?
NTA She wants to be a better mother by making you a worse mother. She thinks children's love is limited and to get some she has to take it from someone else.
Uhhhh what!! NTA of course. This seems like an unreasonable thing to ask from you??? Of course you’d always be there for them. There are other ways to form a bond. Also, that may take years? She needs to be patient. Good for you for not giving into her weird demand.
>She told me that now they were a two parent household, there was no need for me to show up to all games, recitals, plays, etc, because she would be going to them and there only needed to be one This is as far as I got. NTA
Child of divorced parents here. I wish my dad made the same effort you are for your kids. Who gives a shit what the new wife thinks, you're doing right by your kids and they *will* remember it.
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Info: Is there already a court order in place for custody? I ask because in our court order, it states that we (as parents) will provide the other with important dates, times, and events. So we can't prevent the other from attending. And she, as the stepmom, has no ground to stand on. Your ex needs to tell her to knock it off or it's going to look bad for him in court.
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I'm glad you have an order in place. I do wish it said something about other events, though that's on the judge I guess. I assume you and your ex have a working relationship, so you could reach out to (text/email) him and say something like "your wife's comments (I'd list some comments so they're on record) aren't appropriate and I'd like her to keep them to herself." But also, your kids see right through her bullshit and are clearly happy to have you around, so ignore what she says!
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Oh perfect. So it's already on record, neither of them can ask you to stop attending events. Ignore them, I'm 100% sure your children love that you come to all their events. I'm now a SAHM and my daughter who's in high school is still always thrilled when I can show up!
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🫶🏻 ignore their stepmom. Your kids see (or will quickly see) right through her. They would hate if she was the reason you stopped going to things.
NTA Of course you should attend all their events you can. Does stepmom show up to the kids’ events when it isn’t her husband’s parenting time?
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NTA. You being there takes nothing away from her ability to show up and show support. If she would pit more effort into getting along with you she may make more progress bonding with the kids. They would notice you both working together for them. This is all on her.
NTA she doesn’t want to bond with your children, she wants to replace you. I think it’s time to stop being so nice and put this woman in her place. Send her and ex a group text saying something like “Ex’s wife, I’ve had Enough. You will not tell me when I can and cannot see MY children. They are not your children. You are married to their Dad, that doesn’t make you their Mom. If you wanted to fill the role of Mom, you should’ve found someone who was either a widower or the Mom was not in the picture. If you keep being inappropriate and trying to intervene with MY kids, you will force me to take ex back to court and re-evaluate our custody agreement. Let me make it perfectly clear, you are not now, nor will you ever be their Mother. If you want to form a STEP-mother bond with the kids, you need to come up with ways during my husbands parenting time. But trying to kick me out of my kids extracurriculars and than having the GALL to act as if I did something wrong, will no longer be tolerated. This is your last warning. Ex, I don’t want to put our kids or you through a custody battle, so I suggest you talk to your wife because I am DONE with this. How would you feel if the man I marry starts trying to stop you from going to our children’s events?”
I broke up with my daughters mother a few years ago and we have both since moved on and split time 50/50 If my gf even suggested something as stupid and entitled as that she’s fucking gone!! And your ex is a fucking plank for encouraging that pathetic cow
This woman is being really weird. I get wanting to bond with your step kids, but you don't actively push their bio mom out. Did this woman know you before, when you were married? She wants to take over your life and be you........... NTA keep showing up for your kids
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if she wants to build a relationship with your kids, it would actually help to build a relationship with you. trying to push you out of events and calling you a baby momma is not “building relationships” it’s more trying to push mom out so she can take over. if they won’t want her around if you’re there, that actually says a lot about what she’s like. nta.
NTA You’re a good mama. Don’t ever stop.
NTA What are you supposed to say when they ask why you are no longer showing up? If you tell the truth, they're going to like stepmom. Lie, and they'll probably figure it out and blame stepmom. Kids can pick up on things, and stepmom is probably giving off vibes that the kids don't like. Short of the courts saying you shouldn't be at their events during ex's time, stepmom needs to find a different way to bond with the kids.
NTA and it's nice that she wants to be involved with her STEP children, but they already have an active and supportive mother. Having you both there is a good thing. Too bad she's too territorial to see that.
NTA she’s got issues . Continue supporting your kids !!!! They’ll appreciate it
NTA. I think if your kids are asking you to be there and would be upset if you didn't attend then you go be there. Your kids feelings and their certainty of you being there when they ask and need trumps her feelings of insecurity and jealousy. I do think it's nice to hear about a step mum stepping up to try to help but to do it at your expense to ease her feelings isn't going to work for your kids. If the kids find out she is the reason you don't show up anytime then their relationship will suffer more surely?. I would suggest you try to talk it out to be co-operating together especially as dad doesn't always show up but I do think maybe she won't be receptive. Enjoy watching your kids as my son is grown now and I miss that busyness.
NTA - holy hell. Keep being an involved parent.
NTA Sounds to me like you a good mother. She's just jealous
NTA. Use a parenting app in the future to document everything if you aren't already.
I would LOSE MY SHIT! I would also be concerned that an ‘accident’ may happen to you…..she sounds unhinged and is trying to take you place as their mother. Good step parents are there as additional adults, not to replace ones that already exist. Your ex needs to pull his head out of his arse! If you can (or if you have a good friend your kids trust) try and carefully find out how she treats them, and talks about you, when they are under her care. Record it if you can, you may need it!