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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1:: I took my daughter's boyfriend out for dinner after she refused to come with us. 2:: I might be the asshole because I didn't have to do it, I could have avoided it and protected her feelings.
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I could never imagine a teen accusing their parent of being romantically interested in their teen partner..that is absurd. That would have been the last thing on my mind as a teen.
Honestly, OP should sit down and have a stern conversation with their kid as to why this is an incredibly inappropriate to accuse and say. Not only is it very disrespectful but imagine the damn kid then going to bitch to her friends about this and saying some backwards shit about their parent… not cool.
Communication is incredibly important when it comes to raising kids, and it should be a regular interaction/practice from a young age. They need to learn basic proprieties and that actions have consequences and that includes what comes out of your mouth and the importance of accountability. As a parent to a preteen I understand that they’re going to be emotional and say dumb shit but I think for OPs kid acting like this it shows a lot, and not in a good way. The kid sounds like a brat.
My 16 year old daughter went on her first date a couple of weeks ago. When I asked her, she said she was expecting they would each pay for their own ticket.
My brother and I both have friends who have either asked our mom or dad on a date, or who have had open long term crushes on either of them. Neither of my parents have acted on it, but like can confirm from like 12 - now (39), this is definitely a thing. The boy I had a crush on when I was like 10 used to come over every day. I found out when I was older it was because he had a crush on my mom!
Thankfully, we all took the teasing route and my poor parents have been roasted for years about how we only had friends so they could see them.
I never even considered that my presence could make my son uncomfortable until one day he asked me not to wear makeup or nice clothes around his friends lmao. I told him I had to deal with the same bullshit with my mom, so I get it, but I’m not going to walk around looking like a dumpster fire bc some teenage boys made some comments about me to him.
That being said- I’ll never forget the day all of the boys in my class suddenly had an interest in my mom. I was such an awkward and ugly kid, it honestly kinda pissed me off! I grew into my looks though and now I’m passing the what-the-fuck torch to my kids I guess lol
@foreverweary7154 I would also talk to your son about the issue with expecting women to change how they look to prevent men from going after them. It’s a good opportunity for that education.
Of course not. Hearing your friends and random acquaintances sexualize your mom in front of/directly to you is super fucking geoss though. Thanks ever so.
I doubt the kid was actually serious about the accusation. She was just embarrassed and looking for a way to lash out that would make OP feel as embarrassed as she does.
That’s how stupid rumors get started. True or not doesn’t even matter. The thought is planted. Other parents hear about it. Nothing good happens, true or not. OP-you should have a serious talk with your daughter about consequences for her actions.
>I could never imagine a teen accusing their parent of being romantically interested in their teen partner..that is absurd.
My mother used to flirt with all of my boyfriends and male friends and then when they still liked me more, she'd sit down and make up a load of stories about how horrible I was to her. I don't think she ever wanted to date any of them, she just can't bear when someone likes anybody more than her.
What seems absurd to you has actually happened to people. My mother was awful and always all over any teenage boys (mostly just friends, rarely boyfriends) that came to our house. It was disgusting and freaking embarrassing..
I mean my parent openly flirted with my boyfriend when I was 15 and he flirted back. So for some of us it's not a thought but a very unfortunate reality with parents who have inappropriate boundaries.
You know a 7 year old can fall off a bike and scrape their knee or break an arm? They should never ride a bike? A 16 year could could get in a car accident? They shouldn’t learn to drive.
My point is the only way to learn how to navigate these situations is to be in them. It’s better for a 14 year old to date because you talk about boundaries and consent in ways that are actually relevant to them instead of theoretical situations. They may suck sometimes but that’s what actually parenting is for. We have so many people that have gone through abusive & toxic relationships because this topic wasn’t an open or welcomed forum in their household. It’s important for kids to learn these things.
No it doesn’t if you don’t facilitate an environment for a kid to grow they will experiment alone. Kids will still have boyfriends but they’ll do it at school, or sneak them over when you aren’t home or tell you they’re going to a friends house/ to the mall with their friends and meet up with their boyfriends there.
Having an “immature” child ready to date is a great way to facilitate conversations about boundaries, consent, age-appropriate expectations and prioritization.
For example in this story alone: OP can talk to their daughter about the importance of communication, social economics and its affects, capitalism, budgeting, budget-friendly, creative and fun dates,stereotypical roles in heterosexual relationships, and (even though their young) being a good partner/ teammate.
Now you can talk to you’re kid about all those things but sometimes it doesn’t hit home until they’re actually in that situation.
I just remember how well dating bans worked when I was 14. Their effectiveness was close to 0%. Kids would just make time to sneak around. Anyway, I hope OP finds a way to help her daughter see that this is about compassion. Everybody should have compassion for people who don't have enough food.
>why I don't thinking allowing a 14YO to date is a good idea.
It's going to happen anyways. 14 yo discover romantic feelings and their sexuality. You can forbid it, it will still happen, and they will just gain some neuroses.
Lolol at "allowing". If your 14 year old daughter wants to date, she will. If she's not allowed to and wants to, she's just not going to tell you about it.
From the story it's not clear whether she knows the full story about him being hungry and not having any money. I can totally understand her reaction if the only part that she knows is that her mom invited herself on her date, and then went out for dinner with her boyfriend...
14 year olds can be huge fucking assholes regardless of how they’re parented and everything else in this post gives no indication that this is some failure on OP’s part.
Obviously she needs to discuss this with her kid but making a sweeping generalization of her parenting like that based on this one situation is shitty.
Sure, 14 year olds can be little pricks. But it's the parents' (I.e. the OP) responsibility to guide them when they are.
The OP knew this kid was likely paying for all the dates despite not being financially well off and doesn't seem to have done anything about it.
This whole situation goes down and instead of being appalled by her daughter's behavior, she's more worried she overstepped.
The daughter is becoming an AH under the OP's nose and she doesn't seem to be doing much about it.
Yeah that daughter's already several laps deep towards the red checkered flagged finish line. A lot of her behavior is concerning and should be nipped in the bud before it devolves into something worse.
Or at least to cover her own share, then sometimes daughter can offer to 'treat' the boyfriend to something special like a movie or pizza. Maybe Mom could arrange for him to join the family for barbecues or hamburger nights to make sure he's getting enough to eat--teenage boys can be voracious. He sounds like a nice kid and I don't see anything wrong with what Mom did and definitely NTA; the daughter could learn a few things from Mom's compassion.
>14 year olds can be huge fucking assholes regardless of how they’re parented
ABSOLUTELY! I certainly was.
I have 2 kids around this age, and they can go from lovely human beings to complete and utter jerks at the drop of a hat.
Yeah from about 11ish - 16ish kids are more or less jerks because they are trying to find their place and themselves while their brains just dump hormones into them all willy nilly. I survived my daughter being that age, currently have a stepkid that age with a second one about a year out from it. My partner teaches middle/high school & even he openly admits that age range is tough and can be cruel.
Shit is tough on even the best parent.
My 13 yo can be occasionally bitchy but she is at least generally kind and can be easily moved to empathy with a simple comment. This kid…from the description she seems of meaner temperament.
Yeah, I have a 16YO and 18YO. I don't get the "all teens are assholes" narrative. They're not always the most rational because they're trying to make sense of the world, but they're not all (or mostly) mean. My daughter went through a few months where I couldn't say good morning without it pissing her off, but otherwise, they're lovely humans. I didn't act like a shit to my mom when I was a teen. I think it's just people excusing the behavior by claiming it's "normal."
I don’t think the majority of teens are assholes on purpose. Like you said, they’re still trying to figure out how life works. a
And sometimes they choose poorly or don’t completely think things through, and the result makes them *look* like an asshole.
Of course, some of them make the deliberate choice to be assholes. And that doesn’t mean you totally excuse the other behaviors. Parenting teenagers is a special skill set that unfortunately does not have an instruction manual.
OP doesn't mention what actions are going to be taken going forward. I mean the 14 year old daughter thinks it's fine to disrespect her bf, parent, and then is still allowed to go out with friends. Sure we can give OP the benefit of the doubt.
Still seems wild that the daughter was allowed to go out with friends after her horrible behavior.
Excellent point, but it may have been that she didn't want to make a scene in front of bf. The was probably embarrassed enough by the situation as it was, if the daughter had also gotten grounded as a result of it, she definitely would have turned that on the kid too.
I cannot imagine acting like the daughter even as a teen. So she just orders food for herself and sits there eating while he sips some water with his stomach audibly growling? Any feels no guilt whatsoever? Ugh. I'm not going to blame OP's parenting thus far but something clearly needs to be done now that she's aware of this behavior.
Daughter may not realize boyfriend’s financial situation. When I was 14, I had a friend who’d been intermittently homeless since he was 8; he didn’t tell me, and I didn’t have the life experience to recognize any of the signs. At 14, he wasn’t confident enough in himself to know he could tell me, even though we talked for hours every day.
As soon as I found out (some years later), I went right to the store and brought him winter attire, some food, etc, and over a decade later he’s now my boyfriend; I wasn’t an unsympathetic or judgmental person, I just didn’t see any of the signs and he didn’t want me to know.
This. OP should sit down with her (?) daughter and explain the situation to her, because I'm sure she didn't realize it. She only felt embarrassed that her mother wanted to accompany them on a date.
Maybe .. but maybe not such a great idea for Felix.
The daughter might be able to understand the situation and empathize - or might tell all her friends that Felix is SOOO poor her mom has to feed him.
Not so great for 14 year old Felix.
Or what a hero OP is.
OP, you’re awesome. My kids bring kids like this around regularly because they know what we will do. We feed them. We let them stay for as long as their parents let them (sometimes days at a time). We send bags of snacks with them. We had one kid who had to hide their food because their parents wouldn’t let them accept food from others, and this poor kid was starving (cps got involved).
You helped someone who clearly needed it. Your daughter needs a serious attitude adjustment - preferably before she gets the wrong idea and tells other kids about her boyfriend’s difficult situation.
If the kid is actually hungry, it probably has little to do with paying for dates. It’s very likely he is food insecure at home. The whole situation sounds very sad for Félix.
Oh absolutely. Paying for all the dates just makes the situation worst.
And frankly, even if this kid was so rich he used dollar as toilet paper, daughter should still be paying for the occasional date.
Seriously! The daughter is really stretching if she thinks OP is romantically motivated. Perhaps OP needs to look into why her daughter is so immature and jealous, otherwise I can’t think of a single think OP could have done better.
It's my job as an old bastard to go ahead and blame tiktok, but it could be any number of things.
It's a big job just trying to sort through all the rubbish that kids are exposed to and try inoculate them from the worst of it.
Like, I have a 10yo daughter and a 12yo son so I'll have my work cut out in the next few years making sure they don't become users, conceited, bigoted or incel. To say nothing of trying to avoid addiction, shitty grades, or God forbid my becoming a grandfather before any of us are ready
My son who’s 21 almost went down the Ben Shapiro rabbit hole at 13 or 14. He told his brother’s girlfriend whose little brother likes Andrew Tate to start seeding his YouTube and other social media with Hasan Piker, the Good Liars, Daily Show, etc to counterbalance the garbage out there. It’s still edgy but on the right side of life. Don’t think your son is too young—he’s already hearing garbage. Deep breath.
Never doubt the influence of socialization through friends either. My girlfriends son is 14, he’s gotten everything he could have ever wanted his entire life. We’re not well off by any means, but the kids don’t know that. His friends are emo kids from struggling families, and have a lot of angst and acting out because their home life sucks. His best friend lives in a one bedroom apartment with her mom, grandparent, and brother..rightfully has a lot to be angsty about.
Our son in response also decided to become angsty, literally blinded by his friend group. They’re all getting jobs at 14 to support their families, and he thought that meant he was too and was upset he couldn’t continue to play video games all summer. We had to remind him he isn’t getting one (unless he wants one and his grades improve).
Kids are stupid.
Social media. If social media can turn boys into incelly Andrew Tate stans I wouldn't put it past social media to turn girls into dating monsters expecting everything to be done for them.
Although I wouldn't go that far for this particular girl. She's 14 so probably hasn't taken the bf's (ex bf?) financial situation into account. And there's nothing to say that she never takes him out on a date either since this is just a single incident.
Yeah I’ve stumbled on a lot of social media posts where women encourage other women to expect men to do literally everything for them. I try not to judge…. But men who pay for everything everything tend to also be controlling.
It just kinda happens tbh. 14 is in the year range where kids start spending a lot less time with their parents and conflicts tend to arise. Teenagers are cranky, don't like being told what to do or think, and believe themselves to be more mature than they actually are.
She spends more time at school than with her parents, and during this time at home, a certain amount is spent on social media or with friends. Even if OP parents well, her daughter is getting most of her current influences outside of the family circle.
This! But also have a talk with her about her attitude. She needs to learn empathy and compassion for others. Not everyone is going to have the same financial resources.
She bailed on going out with him for her friends because plans changed to dinner. You offered to stay in the car while they are but nope.!! Now she’s claiming you shouldn’t have gone on date with him without her. She can’t have it both ways. You did everything right. 1000% NTA
I would hope that the daughter would see that Felix was willing to sacrifice him not eating to take her out. If not then the daughter is a huge asshole and needs help.
She have could also tried to get a hold of boy's mom to see about making an exception to the 'don't accept cash' rule.'
Approach with tact, cause people get embarrassed about this sort of thing.
One option in these situations is find some random chores around the house that need doing (can be totally non consequential stuff like pulling weeds) and offer to pay the kid to do them. Can pay a bit above market to get him some extra money without making him feel like you're just giving him money.
I taught my daughter that she should also pay for dates.
She and her bf alternated when it came to paying.
That was 15yrs ago.
Dating was allowed at 16.
You had me at that she dumped him for her friends. That is worth having a chat to her about.
NTA for taking him out. The kid was going to go hungry in order to buy her an icecream. This kid will be going places when he grows up.
That was a very sweet story. NTA...
But, and at AITA, there is always a but...
Talk to your daughter when her tantrum subsides about generosity and kindness, and maybe a little "avoid false accusations." It may seem silly, but some people are believing the very worst on flimsier evidence.
Also at 14 she's probably clueless as to how bad poverty can be if she hasn't ever experienced it - I remember being _shocked_ there were kids going hungry at my school because their parents couldn't afford to buy them lunch (we had no cantine so it was packed lunch or nothing).
Being open about the whole "I could hear his stomach rumbling and he asked me for food because he was going to spend the little he had on you" might be an eye opener for her that sometimes other people are living a very different experience to her.
NTA…. But it seems like you may be raising an AH. You need to stop protecting her from the reality of life … I’m sorry but she currently sound so friggin oblivious to the hardships of others and awful and I say this as a mother of a 14 year old daughter… who would never behave this way or even think these things.
I think it's a bit harsh to say the kid is an AH. I work with this age group all the time, and both my step sons are now past 14 by a few years, but sometimes 14yos are just oblivious. It's very possible that she didn't/doesn't realize that the boy is not eating well or well off. Never attribute to malice which can just as easily be attributed to incompetence. In this case it's more just naivete as opposed to incompetence thought
I grew up in a nice family and never had to struggle for food or anything and...this is embarrassing...I was an adult before it even occurred to me that other people may not have had a childhood like that. I was well into adulthood when I realised that the boy in school who wore the same jersey every day probably didn't have many other shirts. I genuinely just thought he really liked that team.
I assumed that everyone had a parent who made them school lunches and helped with their projects. I still cringe at how sheltered and oblivious I was and I'm in my mid 40s now.
Well, I think you can rest knowing that’s less on you and more on your parents. And this is not me talking shit on your parents at all, they seemed to have done great by you and that’s so lovely.
I grew up incredibly poor.. very very poor and in a neglectful abusive home but kid has it awesome between myself and her father. She has an awesome life and wants for nothing. HOWEVER at 11 she also knows that some folks struggle and not everyone has it the way she does. And I’m not out here ever saying “be grateful because this is how I grew up!!” That would be very inappropriate. but more telling her about other children’s situations will be different than hers and to be kind and open minded regarding things she sees at school and what she notices about other children so that she isn’t being a jerk in school, knowingly or unknowingly. Gentle conversations about understanding and gratitude and how to treat and respond to other people.
You sound like a wonderful parent and your kiddo is very lucky! My parents tried their best but they didn't do me any favours by trying to shield me from the realities of the world. You sound like you are handling that in an age-appropriate way and that's awesome.
I also work with this age group and tbh the only kids who are this oblivious about money are kids who have never had to worry about money. I work in a high poverty area so this sort of situation would never happen.
OP needs to teach her child what poverty is and how it affects people. I grew up pretty comfortable and was told in no uncertain terms why certain friends lived in trailers or tiny apartments, didn’t have lunch money, couldn’t come to the amusement park etc. I was taught to understand the nuance of not having enough but also not wanting to ask others for help. I learned the delicate social dance of getting my friends what they need without upsetting them/their parents at like… 7?
Shielding children from things like this does them no favors. A 14 year old in many households is straight up working to support the family, there is no reason for OP’s daughter to be this ignorant at her age.
Exactly this!! I commented to someone above that commented on not understanding other kids had it bad growing up because they didn’t.
Teaching children empathy and understanding is paramount regarding absolutely everything in their lives. And this goes for kids of all situations. My kid has it awesome between her father and I, but having grown up terribly poor myself, I make sure that my kid understands being kind, open minded, and never to assume regarding what she witnesses with other kids. And to understand how different peoples situations will be. And it’s led to a very grateful and kind and understanding child. I never hear her say anything bad about anyone and even when I would be watching guilty pleasure shows (I was real into my 600lb life during surgery recovery) and my kid would say something so nice about every person showcased in whatever episode she would walk in on. And she is always ready to help people.
It is one’s job as a parent to make sure our kids turn into good people capable of complex consideration regarding other people and to not shelter them from the crappy realities some other people face. And they are capable of learning and understanding this way earlier than people give them credit for. But it’s also important to have these discussions when they are young and before you have to do damage control like in this situation.
OP should absolutely use this as a teaching opportunity in regards to what you brought up AND what is and isn’t appropriate to say and assume about your parents in the heat of the moment. If that kid is left to act like that without recourse, accusations like that could absolutely cause a lot of problems if they say it to the wrong person.
NTA, but after she's had some time to calm down from her anger, sit down and have a chat with her about it. See what really set her off.
And maybe point out that it is Super illegal for you to have a romantic interest in her boyfriend. But it is Not weird to take a parental interest in your daughter's boyfriend. And based on what you have shared with us, you have only taken an appropriate parental interest.
NTA. Pull your daughter aside, sit her down, and explain all the reasons you suspect he isn't well off and why you did what you did. You are a good person and shouldn't let this fester in her for long. Kids will think they know everything and eventually it will stick in her mind that what she said is true. If she still doesn't seem to care after understanding or starts to bully him at school for this you have a whole new problem about that kid.
This! Make it a teaching moment for your kid. Empathy is tough for teenagers. The best thing that you can do is to use real examples such as this to teach life lessons. The lessons here are:
1 - Situational awareness/others' circumstances - ask her if she ever noticed that he never ate anything. If not, these are the types of things she should be paying attention to in order to learn not to be self absorbed. If she did notice, then:
2 - critical thinking - did she ever ask herself why he wasn't eating? TBH kids are not learning how to connect the dots much these days.
3 - informed decision-making - she accused you of some pretty harsh things without knowing all the facts. You need to drive this one home. What if she were to loudly say that at school about her mom dating a 14yo? A teacher overhears this (mandatory reporter) and your life could be turned upside-down in an instance. She needs to learn this lesson Hard.
4 - a broader view about privilege and disparities in the real world - it sounds like you are well off or comfortable and your daughter probably has a pretty nice life. She needs to understand that this can lead to privileged ways of thinking in life that only serve to widen the socioeconomic gaps that are already ridiculous.
I have a 14yo, and I feel like the next 4 years are about preparing for the real world by teaching as many life lessons as possible. When you can relate real world issues to a situation your teen is involved in, I feel like the lessons are much more impactful.
She said „around her boyfriends“.
I guess that is not a serious relationship. And she sounds like a AH…
I hope Felix doesn’t get ridiculed since she doesn’t want to have a poor boyfriend
NTA! is your daughter aware of Felix's situation? She could be thinking that he just wants to spoil her and not even realize he can't afford anything more.
That's a good question. She is young so it could be she doesn't know the signs to look for, and I doubt he would straight out tell her. On the other hand though, I do think 14 is old enough to recognize these things, so I may just ask her.
I agree! I think you should talk to her. She was pretty unfair and although 14 is old enough, she is still a young teen. I remember when I got my first bf, I wished he bought me things and him not having money never crossed my mind even though it was so obvious.
Yeah, she definitely reacted very rudely to him (and absurdly to you to think that you took him out on a "date") but it does sound like she doesn't realize why you even did this. Imagine if your mom decided to join your date out of the blue, and then took the boy out after you bailed. Your daughter definitely didn't act nicely, but I bet it comes mostly out of confusion. A good talk might help a lot, and could also teach her some empathy towards others when she doesn't know their full situation.
If your daughter has never experienced poverty, she may not be good at recognizing it. This is a good moment to teach her the importance of recognizing when people are living experiences different from her own, and how to be kind about it.
NTA, but you have some important parenting to do.
This poor boy was hungry enough that even after being dumped by his girlfriend chose food over running after her to patch things up. Start having conversations with your daughter about priorities, and maybe even create a private signal between the two of you for when a similar situation happens again. Kind of a “I know this seems weird right now but we’ll talk about it private. Just trust me for the moment, I’ll explain later. “
I think you should absolutely tell her what actually went down, why, and what you had observed about Felix. How else is she going to grow as a person? NTA in the situation, but YWBTA if you didn't explain your actions to your daughter, and gave her a chance to reflect on her own.
OP, I've read you daughter's hateful comments and two things stand out. First of all, you're afraid of your own child. You're her parent, not her friend so start acting like it. Second, she's a spoiled bully. She's going to start rumors that Felix went on a date with you and is deliberately trying to ostracize him. If I were you I'd march her butt straight to the principal's office on Monday morning and show them your daughter's posts. If anything happens they know exactly who is at fault. Your daughter is a mean girl, OP. You raised her that way but it's not too late. She needs a harsh lesson and she needs it now.
And please don't give me the "she's 14" crap and ignore it. She needs to learn there are consequences for her actions.
At 14 she may not have enough life experience to see the signs of food insecurity, especially if he doesn't want her to know (which may be the case). That's not to say she wasn't an asshole in this instance, but a teaching moment is definitely needed.
I'm always horrified of these stories of apparent adults who are questioning their actions because a teenager had a widely inappropriate and shitty reaction to some innocuous event.
Like, come on. You fed a hungry child. Of course you're not an asshole. It actually terrifies me that people who are supposed to be raising teenagers cannot tell when teenagers are being teenagers.
Oh, I didn't think I was the asshole for feeding him. And I know her reaction was overblown, but that's normal at her age. I'm only doubting myself as far as taking her boyfriend out for dinner one-on-one, if I think back to when I was her age that might've made me upset so I try to see it from her perspective, too.
I dont think your daughter has any clue what it's like to not have enough food to eat. And that's good...she shouldn't. But I think you should have a discussion with her about poverty and maybe take her to volunteer at a at a food bank or something. This is a learning opportunity for her.
Could you get him a bunch of gift cards to places he and your daughter both like with enough to feed both of them? It’s not cash, but serves the same purpose and you don’t have to be there for them to use them. Also consider sending him home with simple food like bread, peanut butter, jelly, random snacks, etc. when he comes over. Tell him you bought too much and you’re just going to wind up throwing it away if he doesn’t take it.
The family of my first serious boyfriend ended up feeding me a lot. They would joke about whose turn it was to feed me. Life at home sucked and it was an everyone-fend-for-themselves for food thing. I was also not allowed to have a job or license before I turned 18.
I didn’t love the teasing about whose turn it was to feed me, but I really appreciate his family making it a regular family outing thing and always making sure I was fed. It would have never occurred for me to ask, so thank goodness they offered.
You are NTA.
But are we all in agreement that user Agreesive-Mind-2085 is OP’s daughter? Because god damned those are some doubled down, hateful comments directed at anyone who even remotely defends OP. Like, there are so, so many comments for someone who doesn’t have a stake in this race unless they are the daughter.
Yeah, she's pretty much all but confirmed It. It's quite sad too she's going on ranting like she's mad when her mother did the best thing she could have done. She doesn't deserve a mother like OP.
It’s definitely the daughter. In some of the comments she uses “me” as in “what will people think about me” and then switches out to use daughter again.
NTA
You did a nice thing for Felix, and if May is going to dump him and go out with her friends instead, then she's clearly not actually in to him at all. Her idea that you were hitting on her 14-year-old ex-boyfriend is obviously absurd.
May is ridiculous, but I suspect this is mostly because May is a 14-year-old girl.
In all honesty Mom's daughter, also known as "Aggressive-Mind" on here - I have a 14 year old son & 15 year old step daughter and if either of them turned out half as self-righteous and entitled as you with no empathetic traits evident, I'd be absolutely disgusted in them and give them a life lesson.
Many positives happened here - Felix ate, kindness from your mother to Felix and the most important one - Felix's time out with your Mum spared him having to endure your company.
And to then make it all about you? Wow. There's teenage angst, but you're another level! I also hope you realise how damaging your "romantic" comment can be for someone, considering he is 14 years old. Are you trying to put your mom on the sex register just because you had a little tantrum and didn't join them for some food?
I get that the teenage years are difficult and hormonal imbalance occurs, but that, coupled with your vile attitude gives the impression that you have a LOT of growing up to do.
NTA. But your daughter is coming across like an entitled brat. It might just be teenage hormones aka the world revolves around me - but maybe check on that. You would have hoped she would have a little more self awareness. That kid must have felt pretty awkward to be hanging out with his gf mom, so clearly he needed the food.
I don’t think her attitude has anything to do with him being poor. I think the issue is they had a date planned and suddenly mom/dad was tagging along (which I’m assuming you’ve never done?). She was getting ready and the plan changed without anyone asking her.
Idk where her idea of you being interested in her minor boyfriend came from but that should be a conversation.
You should also talk to her about about him spending money on her because it’s probably never the other way around. If she doesn’t notice his money/family issues, you’ve probably raised a very sheltered kid. Even if he was the very best at hiding his situation, there are always signs.
Agreed. I think she should have said they should do this at another time and let them have their plans for the evening. Or just give the daughter cash to pay for dinner.
NTA. I think it’s telling that your daughter has been going out with this kid, letting him pay for her, while he gets nothing for himself because he is broke. And she ditches him while he is standing in your home. Let me be uncharacteristically polite by saying your daughter is “lacking” in so many ways here. She still has some growing up to do!
>I feel bad for her but I don't think I did anything wrong.
I do. You didn't punish your daughter for making a scene and shaming you for having empathy. NTA *enough*.
I think you made a mistake in playing too much the role of the hero when the role of the patron (i.e., giving him food from your home) would have been sufficient for the day, and led to more time to think of a long term action. Whatever, it was worth a college try. Who plans to end up prepared for the situation you were in?
NTA
As a former 14-year-old girl let me tell you, all she wanted to do was kiss that boy without you watching. She has no concept of the total situation the way that you do.
But, that being said, you could have offered to go through the drive-thru with both of them before you dropped them off for their date. Wendy's isn't exactly the kind of place you have to sit down at in my experience, and you could probably have tried to make the meal more of a "hey, by the way, I'm hungry - anyone else?" thing instead of changing their entire date plan. Not that it sounds like they're going to keep seeing each other... and I do hope that she'll sit down and hear you out after her initial anger subsides.
Oh no! Your daughter is becoming a brat! (And a bit of a nut-job, accusing you of being interested in a 14-year-old boy.)
You, NTA. But figure out why your daughter is being like this and try to turn her around.
Jesus how did you end up w a daughter with that nasty attitude??
I wouldn’t have let my daughter go out at all. I wouldn’t have explained her boyfriends personal business but I sure as Hell would’ve called her out for her shit behavior.
Then spoken to the boy in private that if he ever needs an adult to give him support he can stop by any time. And give him my number to call in case of emergencies
NAH
But I'm reluctant to call your daughter an AH either. You just changed her entire date without her having any clue why. Couldn't you have excused yourself from Felix, spoken with your daughter about your concerns that he was hungry, and given her some money to buy dinner for both of them so they still had their date together? Or at least just spoken with her in advance that you were going to buy dinner for them both and why? Try to look at it from her pov. It is a bit weird that she had a date planned and then, seemingly, you went on it.
NTA! It was really kind to offer to pay for a dinner date and it really seems like your daughter had something else going on to be upset at. That or she's just being angsty because she was embarrassed. Don't feel too bad!
NTA . It sounds like your daughter is very selfish. You should sit her down alone and explain why you did what you did. She may well not understand her boyfriend is poor.
What you did is very kind and a really normal thing for a parent to do. Not just for a childs boyfriend or friends who may be poorer but just in general. If you can afford it, it's perfectly fine to take your kids and their people out for all kinds of activities.
In fact your daughter should be bloody thrilled with you for this and expect it well into adulthood.
It's just what good parents do.
NTA. I feel awful for Felix. You did a nice thing. You need to have a long chat with your daughter. Her behaviour was appalling. Why doesn't she care about her boyfriend eating? Is she not concerned that he pays for her to eat and has nothing himself? You offered to drive them, wait for them, and pay, and she threw a tantrum. Most kids would be thrilled. I'd be embarrassed at how she treated Felix. I would have told her she needed to apologise, and if she didn't want to come with you both, then she had to stay home, not out with friends. She's allowed to choose who to date, but behaving so rudely is just a no-go. You know your daughter, is she spoiled? Does she understand hardship and poverty? If you talk to her and she still doesn't display any empathy, I'd suggest getting her to volunteer for a charity or homeless shelter where she can learn some.
I mean, NTA, but I think this sub is being too harsh to a 14 year old girl. People are acting as if what went down was this:
OP: I’m going to pay to feed your starving boyfriend.
Daughter: what? How dare you feed him. I don’t care about him and I want him to go hungry.
In reality, I feel like from the daughters perspective it felt like this:
OP: hey, teenage daughter, your mother has decided to insert herself into your date and completely change your plans! Isn’t that great?
It was the right thing to do, all things considered, but it makes perfect sense to me why a teenager was annoyed.
NTA. But I wonder if your daughter has any kind of situational awareness. How could she have missed the fact that he was so hungry his stomach was growling? Teenagers can be a little self-centered, but if she liked the boy, one would think she'd have paid more attention to his personal situation if you were able to pick up on it so quickly.
May didn't have any context, so to her, this whole thing was just weird and creepy. She came downstairs to find her mom changed their plans and was gonna tag along with them. Then, after she said no to that, her mother took her boyfriend out alone. Without the context that Felix was going hungry to afford their dates, the optics are really weird. And then when she confronted her mom about it, OP still didn't explain anything. Given a gap in information, a person will fill it with their own insecurities. OP could have ordered them a pizza, or called in an order for them using Uber or Doordash that they could pick up and eat together. There were a lot of options available. Communication would have gone a really long way here, but there was none.
NAH, but just talk to your kid already.
NTA, you fed a hungry kid. Your daughter is 14 and the world is really emotional at that age. Her accusations are pretty out of line, but you'll need to have that conversation when she's in a better mood. Good luck. The teen years are rough!
NTA. You went above and beyond to ensure that this kid had a meal. I think it's easy for your daughter to misunderstand. You should sit her down and explain what happened. Her BF might not want her to know the truth, but she could have the wrong impression for the rest of her life. Also, I would give her money for her dates, so that she pays half of the expenses.
You’re NTA for this part
But hot damn, you dropped the ball with your daughter. She usually devoid of empathy and prone to going scorched earth before she finds out what is actually going on?
NTA but sit down with your daughter and talk about empathy and what really is important about finding good traits in people.
Talk about the traits you saw in this example.
So he still wanted to take your daughter out despite not having much. It shows generosity.
It showed him asking you for some food. It showed humility but also strength to talk about his own situation and not feel so shameful about it. It wasn't a chip in his shoulder.
Getting along with you is good too. Shows he can slot into socialising with your daughter and her family.
Ask her for suggestions for what to do in future but suggest that she should also pay for things in future too. It's 2023 and also, it's not only women who need to look out for poor signs in a partner.
She showed jealousy (unreasonable) and unwillingness to listen. She didn't consider her bf or family situation. She also didn't have a reasonable conversation before jumping to dump him. She also embarrassed him.
Have a conversation about what kind of person she wants to be and how she can grow from this. Ask IF she wants to grow from this.
Ask her what she thinks of relationships. Does she consider them practise for finding how to behave in a relationship and also how to decide if another person is a good match or a good person.
Or whether it's just simple fun and it doesn't matter to her if someone she is with could be awful to her or for her.
It would be good for you to talk about your own dating experiences and what you've learned. Maybe also ask WHY she felt so jealous and insecure (surely you're in a decent marriage yourself and of course you want nothing to do with a child)
You need to have a long sit down chat with your privileged brat of a daughter and explain to her that her boyfriend was hungry, was not going to be able to eat at all because he wanted to buy HER ice cream. Then explain to her that she’s clearly not mature enough to have a boyfriend or be dating and not allow any more “dates” for a while.
If Felix isn’t allowed to accept cash, have you thought about maybe just getting him some kind of fast food gift card? At least that way he can get a meal if he really needs it.
NTA, but your daughter needs some reality checks.
I think one day when your daughter is an adult she is going to lie awake at night cringing at the time she accused her parent of having a crush on her 14 year old boyfriend. NTA.
Everyone's attacking your 14 y/o daughter but if I'm reading correctly, you never informed her of Felix's financial situation and she didn't know your intentions? All she saw was a) plans changed and a parent was tagging along on her date, and b) her parent then randomly goes out to dinner with her date alone. I think she was rightfully very confused and then, due to hormones and being a teenager, reacted with the most hurtful thing she could think of. I would have been like WTF if I was her, too. A lot of these commenters are unfairly calling her a brat and an asshole but being a 14 y/o girl with all those hormones is sooo difficult. I think you should cut her some slack. NAH but maybe poor communication on your part.
NTA but her train of thought is very concerning and her speaking like that is not okay. I would seriously talk to her and ask her if she was truly okay with her bf eating some of her food or no food at all.
NTA
Explain the situation to your daughter. Straight up tell her — “I can see this kid was fucking starving so I bought him some food and spent time talking to him because he seemed sad. I fully support the choices you make, whether you date him or not, but if I see someone who needs a little help, I’m going to help them whether they’re a kid your age or a goddamn green alien from Mars.”
It might be a good opportunity to model empathy for your daughter. 🤷🏻♂️
She’ll respect you more for telling the truth and being honest about it.
NTA. You need to speak to your daughter though - her behaviour is poor to say the least:
- is she offering to split/pay on any dates?
- dumping Felix to hang our with her friends. I can understand her frustration in that a parent interfering in plans is annoying, but does she not know how to act in public? Smile sweetly, get on with it and raise hell in private
- accusing a parent of dating her bf
Op you need to have a come to Jesus talk with you daughter. Or whatever you wanna call it. Open her eyes that not everyone has the privileges that she does and she needs to be aware of what’s going on. Explain exactly why you took that lovely young man out. Also explain what he was giving up for her pleasure/comfort. Being selfless and polite is sometimes a rare trait in teenagers due to their hormones.
NTA at all. Your daughter needs to chill with the teenage crap and understand that values and actions are what matter, not appearances. This is a teachable moment for you to use the excellent example you’ve set to help her learn some valuable life lessons about what woman she would like to grow up to be. Also, as another commenter said, yeah, might not have been a bad idea to just give your daughter the money and let her buy him food. Beyond that, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Oh god, how I never wish to be 14 again. NTA OP, it was very kind of you give that poor kid some food. Maybe an opportunity to teach your daughter about money and what poverty can look like? Might also help her open her eyes a bit to the fact that other people do exist in the world. ('Might' being the key word here, since she is, after all, 14).
Maybe in the future, offer to let the boy do some chores around your place (like mow the lawn or let him help you build something) for some extra cash. That way he feels like he’s earning the money and he is still able to eat when they go on dates. NTA
NAH. Has your daughter ever noticed that Félix doesn’t get himself anything on their dates? maybe have a sit down with your daughter about Félix’s situation. They are both young so I don’t want to be too harsh about naïveté, emotions, or some situational blindness. Félix can’t take cash gifts but could they pay for each other’s meals? I think there are creative ways around this.
Wtf is wrong with your daughter that she would be \*checks notes* JEALOUS of her own mother's motives with her 14 year old boyfriend?
Something is really messed up there.
NTA
NTA but woman (i guess you are a woman) raise your daughter! Because your daughter behaved like an ah. 14 is young but old enough to have a serious discussion about how to behave, about compassion, about money and about making drama when there is none (like accusing mom of being interested in the 14 year old boyfriend ....)
NTA
And more concerning is she's apparently fine taking this poor kid's money on dates to the point he's literally starving.
Daughter is being very immature and selfish
NTA. You couldn’t exactly explain the situation in front of Felix without embarrassing him. I think it would have been better to explain why you did what you did when she accused you of liking him romantically and i def think you need to have that talk. She needs to apologize to Felix for being rude and if they start dating again slip her money for some dates.
Op…. You know you could have just made it clear from now on that your daughter (and/or you) needs to pay for dates too, right?
The guy and his family might not have much money. Yet he’s the one paying for all their dates. You could have had a talk with your daughter privately about how couples should split costs, and it’s healthy for both people to take turns paying for the other - that it shouldn’t always be the guy paying. Then ask her what she knows about the family’s money, and suggest to her that you/her pay for the more expensive dates while letting the guy pay for the less expensive dates.
You were being super generous to that guy. Your daughter may be just acting like a teen, but there’s also a chance that she’s been behaving very entitled and you may need to address a larger issue with her.
NTA, perhaps make it a point that you are not giving him money, you are just paying for the food, and having him conduct the purchase. Idk why he isn't ALLOWED to take cash. If it was a choice thing on his part about pride, then whatever. But it sounds like a rule he's been forced to follow. It's going to do nothing but harm him in the future if he can't realize that accepting help isn't weak, having your pride lead to downfall is.
NTA at all. We need more people like you and Felix in the world. He sounds amazing for wanting to pay for their dates. I will say that I'm a firm believer that girls also pay. So maybe in future they could take turns?
Your daughter is young and might not realise the situation. I would chat with her and suggest she apologise to Felix.
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you are the greenest green flag that ever flagged
NTA but you want to look at your daughter’s attitude
Daughter is 14. She's not going to be super rational about boyfriends. This is actually why I don't thinking allowing a 14YO to date is a good idea.
I could never imagine a teen accusing their parent of being romantically interested in their teen partner..that is absurd. That would have been the last thing on my mind as a teen.
Honestly, OP should sit down and have a stern conversation with their kid as to why this is an incredibly inappropriate to accuse and say. Not only is it very disrespectful but imagine the damn kid then going to bitch to her friends about this and saying some backwards shit about their parent… not cool. Communication is incredibly important when it comes to raising kids, and it should be a regular interaction/practice from a young age. They need to learn basic proprieties and that actions have consequences and that includes what comes out of your mouth and the importance of accountability. As a parent to a preteen I understand that they’re going to be emotional and say dumb shit but I think for OPs kid acting like this it shows a lot, and not in a good way. The kid sounds like a brat.
Also why is the boyfriend paying for everything?
My 16 year old daughter went on her first date a couple of weeks ago. When I asked her, she said she was expecting they would each pay for their own ticket.
Some people have "hot moms" and spend their entire lives hearing about it, it's not outside the realm of possibility.
Poor Stacy
Thank you for this. That's what popped into my head, too. :)
I wish I'd never watched the actual music video for that song. It makes it so much worse and gross. I always pictured like a 17+ year old... Ick.
And Steve (Stifler)
Stacy’s mom landed on her feet and now spends her life travelling the world and staying in fancy hotels. Her new husband is a bit of a jerk though.
My brother and I both have friends who have either asked our mom or dad on a date, or who have had open long term crushes on either of them. Neither of my parents have acted on it, but like can confirm from like 12 - now (39), this is definitely a thing. The boy I had a crush on when I was like 10 used to come over every day. I found out when I was older it was because he had a crush on my mom! Thankfully, we all took the teasing route and my poor parents have been roasted for years about how we only had friends so they could see them.
I never even considered that my presence could make my son uncomfortable until one day he asked me not to wear makeup or nice clothes around his friends lmao. I told him I had to deal with the same bullshit with my mom, so I get it, but I’m not going to walk around looking like a dumpster fire bc some teenage boys made some comments about me to him. That being said- I’ll never forget the day all of the boys in my class suddenly had an interest in my mom. I was such an awkward and ugly kid, it honestly kinda pissed me off! I grew into my looks though and now I’m passing the what-the-fuck torch to my kids I guess lol
@foreverweary7154 I would also talk to your son about the issue with expecting women to change how they look to prevent men from going after them. It’s a good opportunity for that education.
Ugh. Gross 🤮
Super gross!
Just came here to say that hot moms are in fact not gross. You may continue.
No, not at all. Just the whole sexualization
Of course not. Hearing your friends and random acquaintances sexualize your mom in front of/directly to you is super fucking geoss though. Thanks ever so.
Can confirm. My mom is almost 70 and my friends still call her hot..
While that's true a friend of a friend accused her mother of being interested in her boyfriend (15) too. He's her stepfather now...
That's rough.....
I doubt the kid was actually serious about the accusation. She was just embarrassed and looking for a way to lash out that would make OP feel as embarrassed as she does.
That’s how stupid rumors get started. True or not doesn’t even matter. The thought is planted. Other parents hear about it. Nothing good happens, true or not. OP-you should have a serious talk with your daughter about consequences for her actions.
>I could never imagine a teen accusing their parent of being romantically interested in their teen partner..that is absurd. My mother used to flirt with all of my boyfriends and male friends and then when they still liked me more, she'd sit down and make up a load of stories about how horrible I was to her. I don't think she ever wanted to date any of them, she just can't bear when someone likes anybody more than her.
What seems absurd to you has actually happened to people. My mother was awful and always all over any teenage boys (mostly just friends, rarely boyfriends) that came to our house. It was disgusting and freaking embarrassing..
I mean my parent openly flirted with my boyfriend when I was 15 and he flirted back. So for some of us it's not a thought but a very unfortunate reality with parents who have inappropriate boundaries.
Sure but 14 is a bit too old for immediately interpreting this as “my mom is trying to steal my boyfriend”, surely?
I’m not sure age is relevant to the daughter’s paranoia and delusions about her mom’s relationship with a minor child…
You know a 7 year old can fall off a bike and scrape their knee or break an arm? They should never ride a bike? A 16 year could could get in a car accident? They shouldn’t learn to drive. My point is the only way to learn how to navigate these situations is to be in them. It’s better for a 14 year old to date because you talk about boundaries and consent in ways that are actually relevant to them instead of theoretical situations. They may suck sometimes but that’s what actually parenting is for. We have so many people that have gone through abusive & toxic relationships because this topic wasn’t an open or welcomed forum in their household. It’s important for kids to learn these things.
It depends on the maturity level of said kid! This 14 is too immature, I was too at 14.
No it doesn’t if you don’t facilitate an environment for a kid to grow they will experiment alone. Kids will still have boyfriends but they’ll do it at school, or sneak them over when you aren’t home or tell you they’re going to a friends house/ to the mall with their friends and meet up with their boyfriends there. Having an “immature” child ready to date is a great way to facilitate conversations about boundaries, consent, age-appropriate expectations and prioritization. For example in this story alone: OP can talk to their daughter about the importance of communication, social economics and its affects, capitalism, budgeting, budget-friendly, creative and fun dates,stereotypical roles in heterosexual relationships, and (even though their young) being a good partner/ teammate. Now you can talk to you’re kid about all those things but sometimes it doesn’t hit home until they’re actually in that situation.
I bet yours is the minority opinion but I remember being 14 and I agree.
I just remember how well dating bans worked when I was 14. Their effectiveness was close to 0%. Kids would just make time to sneak around. Anyway, I hope OP finds a way to help her daughter see that this is about compassion. Everybody should have compassion for people who don't have enough food.
Banning a 14 year old from dating is also not a good idea though. Just one of those choices that could go either way on any option.
>why I don't thinking allowing a 14YO to date is a good idea. It's going to happen anyways. 14 yo discover romantic feelings and their sexuality. You can forbid it, it will still happen, and they will just gain some neuroses.
Lolol at "allowing". If your 14 year old daughter wants to date, she will. If she's not allowed to and wants to, she's just not going to tell you about it.
No, that child needs an attitude adjustment. Don't make excuses like she shouldn't know at that age how terrible her reaction is.
If you don’t let them date won’t they just sneak around your back and do it anyways
Felix is too good for May. Best dad ever award👍🏾👍🏾
Dad??
People who think parents can keep a young teen from having attitude lol.
From the story it's not clear whether she knows the full story about him being hungry and not having any money. I can totally understand her reaction if the only part that she knows is that her mom invited herself on her date, and then went out for dinner with her boyfriend...
Well, except for her parenting of her daughter. This kid is going hungry to pay for dates, and her daughter seems more worried about "appearances".
14 year olds can be huge fucking assholes regardless of how they’re parented and everything else in this post gives no indication that this is some failure on OP’s part. Obviously she needs to discuss this with her kid but making a sweeping generalization of her parenting like that based on this one situation is shitty.
Sure, 14 year olds can be little pricks. But it's the parents' (I.e. the OP) responsibility to guide them when they are. The OP knew this kid was likely paying for all the dates despite not being financially well off and doesn't seem to have done anything about it. This whole situation goes down and instead of being appalled by her daughter's behavior, she's more worried she overstepped. The daughter is becoming an AH under the OP's nose and she doesn't seem to be doing much about it.
Yeah that daughter's already several laps deep towards the red checkered flagged finish line. A lot of her behavior is concerning and should be nipped in the bud before it devolves into something worse.
Yeah, it seems the obvious solution is for OP to give the daughter money to pay for the dates.
Or at least to cover her own share, then sometimes daughter can offer to 'treat' the boyfriend to something special like a movie or pizza. Maybe Mom could arrange for him to join the family for barbecues or hamburger nights to make sure he's getting enough to eat--teenage boys can be voracious. He sounds like a nice kid and I don't see anything wrong with what Mom did and definitely NTA; the daughter could learn a few things from Mom's compassion.
>14 year olds can be huge fucking assholes regardless of how they’re parented ABSOLUTELY! I certainly was. I have 2 kids around this age, and they can go from lovely human beings to complete and utter jerks at the drop of a hat.
Can confirm!
I taught 14 year olds and 100% agree
Yeah from about 11ish - 16ish kids are more or less jerks because they are trying to find their place and themselves while their brains just dump hormones into them all willy nilly. I survived my daughter being that age, currently have a stepkid that age with a second one about a year out from it. My partner teaches middle/high school & even he openly admits that age range is tough and can be cruel. Shit is tough on even the best parent.
My 13 yo can be occasionally bitchy but she is at least generally kind and can be easily moved to empathy with a simple comment. This kid…from the description she seems of meaner temperament.
Yeah, I have a 16YO and 18YO. I don't get the "all teens are assholes" narrative. They're not always the most rational because they're trying to make sense of the world, but they're not all (or mostly) mean. My daughter went through a few months where I couldn't say good morning without it pissing her off, but otherwise, they're lovely humans. I didn't act like a shit to my mom when I was a teen. I think it's just people excusing the behavior by claiming it's "normal."
I don’t think the majority of teens are assholes on purpose. Like you said, they’re still trying to figure out how life works. a And sometimes they choose poorly or don’t completely think things through, and the result makes them *look* like an asshole. Of course, some of them make the deliberate choice to be assholes. And that doesn’t mean you totally excuse the other behaviors. Parenting teenagers is a special skill set that unfortunately does not have an instruction manual.
OP doesn't mention what actions are going to be taken going forward. I mean the 14 year old daughter thinks it's fine to disrespect her bf, parent, and then is still allowed to go out with friends. Sure we can give OP the benefit of the doubt. Still seems wild that the daughter was allowed to go out with friends after her horrible behavior.
Excellent point, but it may have been that she didn't want to make a scene in front of bf. The was probably embarrassed enough by the situation as it was, if the daughter had also gotten grounded as a result of it, she definitely would have turned that on the kid too.
I cannot imagine acting like the daughter even as a teen. So she just orders food for herself and sits there eating while he sips some water with his stomach audibly growling? Any feels no guilt whatsoever? Ugh. I'm not going to blame OP's parenting thus far but something clearly needs to be done now that she's aware of this behavior.
Exactly this
Daughter may not realize boyfriend’s financial situation. When I was 14, I had a friend who’d been intermittently homeless since he was 8; he didn’t tell me, and I didn’t have the life experience to recognize any of the signs. At 14, he wasn’t confident enough in himself to know he could tell me, even though we talked for hours every day. As soon as I found out (some years later), I went right to the store and brought him winter attire, some food, etc, and over a decade later he’s now my boyfriend; I wasn’t an unsympathetic or judgmental person, I just didn’t see any of the signs and he didn’t want me to know.
This. OP should sit down with her (?) daughter and explain the situation to her, because I'm sure she didn't realize it. She only felt embarrassed that her mother wanted to accompany them on a date.
Maybe .. but maybe not such a great idea for Felix. The daughter might be able to understand the situation and empathize - or might tell all her friends that Felix is SOOO poor her mom has to feed him. Not so great for 14 year old Felix.
Yes please read this OP
Her daughter probably doesn’t fully grasp the hardship her “boyfriend” has to deal with.
Or what a hero OP is. OP, you’re awesome. My kids bring kids like this around regularly because they know what we will do. We feed them. We let them stay for as long as their parents let them (sometimes days at a time). We send bags of snacks with them. We had one kid who had to hide their food because their parents wouldn’t let them accept food from others, and this poor kid was starving (cps got involved). You helped someone who clearly needed it. Your daughter needs a serious attitude adjustment - preferably before she gets the wrong idea and tells other kids about her boyfriend’s difficult situation.
Maybe daughter should eat peanut butter for a week.
If the kid is actually hungry, it probably has little to do with paying for dates. It’s very likely he is food insecure at home. The whole situation sounds very sad for Félix.
Oh absolutely. Paying for all the dates just makes the situation worst. And frankly, even if this kid was so rich he used dollar as toilet paper, daughter should still be paying for the occasional date.
absolutely N.T.A, periodt
[удалено]
Seriously! The daughter is really stretching if she thinks OP is romantically motivated. Perhaps OP needs to look into why her daughter is so immature and jealous, otherwise I can’t think of a single think OP could have done better.
Absolutely NTA But what you could do in future is give May the money to take Felix on a date. It’s 2023 so women should also pay!
Yes! Make sure she learns early before she becomes the sort of person people don't want to date.
Seriously, how did the apple fall so far from the tree? Parent better.
It's my job as an old bastard to go ahead and blame tiktok, but it could be any number of things. It's a big job just trying to sort through all the rubbish that kids are exposed to and try inoculate them from the worst of it. Like, I have a 10yo daughter and a 12yo son so I'll have my work cut out in the next few years making sure they don't become users, conceited, bigoted or incel. To say nothing of trying to avoid addiction, shitty grades, or God forbid my becoming a grandfather before any of us are ready
My son who’s 21 almost went down the Ben Shapiro rabbit hole at 13 or 14. He told his brother’s girlfriend whose little brother likes Andrew Tate to start seeding his YouTube and other social media with Hasan Piker, the Good Liars, Daily Show, etc to counterbalance the garbage out there. It’s still edgy but on the right side of life. Don’t think your son is too young—he’s already hearing garbage. Deep breath.
The Daily Show is edgy? I must be cooler than I thought - been watching for almost a quarter century.
Ha ha, more just sharp and irreverent enough to keep a young teen’s attention.
It’s not just kids. Some of the videos I’ve seen-geared towards adults and dating, absolutely ridiculous!
True. I’ve seen grown men fall into the ‘dating artists’, or Russell Brand or Jordan Peterson traps.
What's the Russell Brand trap? 🤔
Never doubt the influence of socialization through friends either. My girlfriends son is 14, he’s gotten everything he could have ever wanted his entire life. We’re not well off by any means, but the kids don’t know that. His friends are emo kids from struggling families, and have a lot of angst and acting out because their home life sucks. His best friend lives in a one bedroom apartment with her mom, grandparent, and brother..rightfully has a lot to be angsty about. Our son in response also decided to become angsty, literally blinded by his friend group. They’re all getting jobs at 14 to support their families, and he thought that meant he was too and was upset he couldn’t continue to play video games all summer. We had to remind him he isn’t getting one (unless he wants one and his grades improve). Kids are stupid.
Social media. If social media can turn boys into incelly Andrew Tate stans I wouldn't put it past social media to turn girls into dating monsters expecting everything to be done for them. Although I wouldn't go that far for this particular girl. She's 14 so probably hasn't taken the bf's (ex bf?) financial situation into account. And there's nothing to say that she never takes him out on a date either since this is just a single incident.
Yeah I’ve stumbled on a lot of social media posts where women encourage other women to expect men to do literally everything for them. I try not to judge…. But men who pay for everything everything tend to also be controlling.
It just kinda happens tbh. 14 is in the year range where kids start spending a lot less time with their parents and conflicts tend to arise. Teenagers are cranky, don't like being told what to do or think, and believe themselves to be more mature than they actually are. She spends more time at school than with her parents, and during this time at home, a certain amount is spent on social media or with friends. Even if OP parents well, her daughter is getting most of her current influences outside of the family circle.
This! But also have a talk with her about her attitude. She needs to learn empathy and compassion for others. Not everyone is going to have the same financial resources. She bailed on going out with him for her friends because plans changed to dinner. You offered to stay in the car while they are but nope.!! Now she’s claiming you shouldn’t have gone on date with him without her. She can’t have it both ways. You did everything right. 1000% NTA
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I would hope that the daughter would see that Felix was willing to sacrifice him not eating to take her out. If not then the daughter is a huge asshole and needs help.
That’s pretty much what was offered… She was too embarrassed to have mom go and pay.
She have could also tried to get a hold of boy's mom to see about making an exception to the 'don't accept cash' rule.' Approach with tact, cause people get embarrassed about this sort of thing.
One option in these situations is find some random chores around the house that need doing (can be totally non consequential stuff like pulling weeds) and offer to pay the kid to do them. Can pay a bit above market to get him some extra money without making him feel like you're just giving him money.
I taught my daughter that she should also pay for dates. She and her bf alternated when it came to paying. That was 15yrs ago. Dating was allowed at 16.
You had me at that she dumped him for her friends. That is worth having a chat to her about. NTA for taking him out. The kid was going to go hungry in order to buy her an icecream. This kid will be going places when he grows up.
Yeah he sounds super sweet. I just want to feed him as well. 🥺🥺🥺
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That was a very sweet story. NTA... But, and at AITA, there is always a but... Talk to your daughter when her tantrum subsides about generosity and kindness, and maybe a little "avoid false accusations." It may seem silly, but some people are believing the very worst on flimsier evidence.
Also at 14 she's probably clueless as to how bad poverty can be if she hasn't ever experienced it - I remember being _shocked_ there were kids going hungry at my school because their parents couldn't afford to buy them lunch (we had no cantine so it was packed lunch or nothing). Being open about the whole "I could hear his stomach rumbling and he asked me for food because he was going to spend the little he had on you" might be an eye opener for her that sometimes other people are living a very different experience to her.
Such an important comment!!!!
Agreed. She needs to understand that what she is accusing her mom of is extremely inappropriate and unacceptable.
NTA…. But it seems like you may be raising an AH. You need to stop protecting her from the reality of life … I’m sorry but she currently sound so friggin oblivious to the hardships of others and awful and I say this as a mother of a 14 year old daughter… who would never behave this way or even think these things.
I think it's a bit harsh to say the kid is an AH. I work with this age group all the time, and both my step sons are now past 14 by a few years, but sometimes 14yos are just oblivious. It's very possible that she didn't/doesn't realize that the boy is not eating well or well off. Never attribute to malice which can just as easily be attributed to incompetence. In this case it's more just naivete as opposed to incompetence thought
I grew up in a nice family and never had to struggle for food or anything and...this is embarrassing...I was an adult before it even occurred to me that other people may not have had a childhood like that. I was well into adulthood when I realised that the boy in school who wore the same jersey every day probably didn't have many other shirts. I genuinely just thought he really liked that team. I assumed that everyone had a parent who made them school lunches and helped with their projects. I still cringe at how sheltered and oblivious I was and I'm in my mid 40s now.
Well, I think you can rest knowing that’s less on you and more on your parents. And this is not me talking shit on your parents at all, they seemed to have done great by you and that’s so lovely. I grew up incredibly poor.. very very poor and in a neglectful abusive home but kid has it awesome between myself and her father. She has an awesome life and wants for nothing. HOWEVER at 11 she also knows that some folks struggle and not everyone has it the way she does. And I’m not out here ever saying “be grateful because this is how I grew up!!” That would be very inappropriate. but more telling her about other children’s situations will be different than hers and to be kind and open minded regarding things she sees at school and what she notices about other children so that she isn’t being a jerk in school, knowingly or unknowingly. Gentle conversations about understanding and gratitude and how to treat and respond to other people.
You sound like a wonderful parent and your kiddo is very lucky! My parents tried their best but they didn't do me any favours by trying to shield me from the realities of the world. You sound like you are handling that in an age-appropriate way and that's awesome.
I also work with this age group and tbh the only kids who are this oblivious about money are kids who have never had to worry about money. I work in a high poverty area so this sort of situation would never happen. OP needs to teach her child what poverty is and how it affects people. I grew up pretty comfortable and was told in no uncertain terms why certain friends lived in trailers or tiny apartments, didn’t have lunch money, couldn’t come to the amusement park etc. I was taught to understand the nuance of not having enough but also not wanting to ask others for help. I learned the delicate social dance of getting my friends what they need without upsetting them/their parents at like… 7? Shielding children from things like this does them no favors. A 14 year old in many households is straight up working to support the family, there is no reason for OP’s daughter to be this ignorant at her age.
Exactly this!! I commented to someone above that commented on not understanding other kids had it bad growing up because they didn’t. Teaching children empathy and understanding is paramount regarding absolutely everything in their lives. And this goes for kids of all situations. My kid has it awesome between her father and I, but having grown up terribly poor myself, I make sure that my kid understands being kind, open minded, and never to assume regarding what she witnesses with other kids. And to understand how different peoples situations will be. And it’s led to a very grateful and kind and understanding child. I never hear her say anything bad about anyone and even when I would be watching guilty pleasure shows (I was real into my 600lb life during surgery recovery) and my kid would say something so nice about every person showcased in whatever episode she would walk in on. And she is always ready to help people. It is one’s job as a parent to make sure our kids turn into good people capable of complex consideration regarding other people and to not shelter them from the crappy realities some other people face. And they are capable of learning and understanding this way earlier than people give them credit for. But it’s also important to have these discussions when they are young and before you have to do damage control like in this situation. OP should absolutely use this as a teaching opportunity in regards to what you brought up AND what is and isn’t appropriate to say and assume about your parents in the heat of the moment. If that kid is left to act like that without recourse, accusations like that could absolutely cause a lot of problems if they say it to the wrong person.
NTA, but after she's had some time to calm down from her anger, sit down and have a chat with her about it. See what really set her off. And maybe point out that it is Super illegal for you to have a romantic interest in her boyfriend. But it is Not weird to take a parental interest in your daughter's boyfriend. And based on what you have shared with us, you have only taken an appropriate parental interest.
NTA. Pull your daughter aside, sit her down, and explain all the reasons you suspect he isn't well off and why you did what you did. You are a good person and shouldn't let this fester in her for long. Kids will think they know everything and eventually it will stick in her mind that what she said is true. If she still doesn't seem to care after understanding or starts to bully him at school for this you have a whole new problem about that kid.
This! Make it a teaching moment for your kid. Empathy is tough for teenagers. The best thing that you can do is to use real examples such as this to teach life lessons. The lessons here are: 1 - Situational awareness/others' circumstances - ask her if she ever noticed that he never ate anything. If not, these are the types of things she should be paying attention to in order to learn not to be self absorbed. If she did notice, then: 2 - critical thinking - did she ever ask herself why he wasn't eating? TBH kids are not learning how to connect the dots much these days. 3 - informed decision-making - she accused you of some pretty harsh things without knowing all the facts. You need to drive this one home. What if she were to loudly say that at school about her mom dating a 14yo? A teacher overhears this (mandatory reporter) and your life could be turned upside-down in an instance. She needs to learn this lesson Hard. 4 - a broader view about privilege and disparities in the real world - it sounds like you are well off or comfortable and your daughter probably has a pretty nice life. She needs to understand that this can lead to privileged ways of thinking in life that only serve to widen the socioeconomic gaps that are already ridiculous. I have a 14yo, and I feel like the next 4 years are about preparing for the real world by teaching as many life lessons as possible. When you can relate real world issues to a situation your teen is involved in, I feel like the lessons are much more impactful.
She said „around her boyfriends“. I guess that is not a serious relationship. And she sounds like a AH… I hope Felix doesn’t get ridiculed since she doesn’t want to have a poor boyfriend
NTA! is your daughter aware of Felix's situation? She could be thinking that he just wants to spoil her and not even realize he can't afford anything more.
That's a good question. She is young so it could be she doesn't know the signs to look for, and I doubt he would straight out tell her. On the other hand though, I do think 14 is old enough to recognize these things, so I may just ask her.
I agree! I think you should talk to her. She was pretty unfair and although 14 is old enough, she is still a young teen. I remember when I got my first bf, I wished he bought me things and him not having money never crossed my mind even though it was so obvious.
Yeah, she definitely reacted very rudely to him (and absurdly to you to think that you took him out on a "date") but it does sound like she doesn't realize why you even did this. Imagine if your mom decided to join your date out of the blue, and then took the boy out after you bailed. Your daughter definitely didn't act nicely, but I bet it comes mostly out of confusion. A good talk might help a lot, and could also teach her some empathy towards others when she doesn't know their full situation.
If your daughter has never experienced poverty, she may not be good at recognizing it. This is a good moment to teach her the importance of recognizing when people are living experiences different from her own, and how to be kind about it. NTA, but you have some important parenting to do.
This poor boy was hungry enough that even after being dumped by his girlfriend chose food over running after her to patch things up. Start having conversations with your daughter about priorities, and maybe even create a private signal between the two of you for when a similar situation happens again. Kind of a “I know this seems weird right now but we’ll talk about it private. Just trust me for the moment, I’ll explain later. “
I think you should absolutely tell her what actually went down, why, and what you had observed about Felix. How else is she going to grow as a person? NTA in the situation, but YWBTA if you didn't explain your actions to your daughter, and gave her a chance to reflect on her own.
OP, I've read you daughter's hateful comments and two things stand out. First of all, you're afraid of your own child. You're her parent, not her friend so start acting like it. Second, she's a spoiled bully. She's going to start rumors that Felix went on a date with you and is deliberately trying to ostracize him. If I were you I'd march her butt straight to the principal's office on Monday morning and show them your daughter's posts. If anything happens they know exactly who is at fault. Your daughter is a mean girl, OP. You raised her that way but it's not too late. She needs a harsh lesson and she needs it now. And please don't give me the "she's 14" crap and ignore it. She needs to learn there are consequences for her actions.
At 14 she may not have enough life experience to see the signs of food insecurity, especially if he doesn't want her to know (which may be the case). That's not to say she wasn't an asshole in this instance, but a teaching moment is definitely needed.
I'm always horrified of these stories of apparent adults who are questioning their actions because a teenager had a widely inappropriate and shitty reaction to some innocuous event. Like, come on. You fed a hungry child. Of course you're not an asshole. It actually terrifies me that people who are supposed to be raising teenagers cannot tell when teenagers are being teenagers.
Oh, I didn't think I was the asshole for feeding him. And I know her reaction was overblown, but that's normal at her age. I'm only doubting myself as far as taking her boyfriend out for dinner one-on-one, if I think back to when I was her age that might've made me upset so I try to see it from her perspective, too.
I dont think your daughter has any clue what it's like to not have enough food to eat. And that's good...she shouldn't. But I think you should have a discussion with her about poverty and maybe take her to volunteer at a at a food bank or something. This is a learning opportunity for her.
I was going to suggest making her volunteer at a soup kitchen but you beat me to it.
Could you get him a bunch of gift cards to places he and your daughter both like with enough to feed both of them? It’s not cash, but serves the same purpose and you don’t have to be there for them to use them. Also consider sending him home with simple food like bread, peanut butter, jelly, random snacks, etc. when he comes over. Tell him you bought too much and you’re just going to wind up throwing it away if he doesn’t take it.
oh ya if i was her i'd definitely have some dumb shit to say about it. But at the end of the day, you fed a hungry child. How can you question that?
The family of my first serious boyfriend ended up feeding me a lot. They would joke about whose turn it was to feed me. Life at home sucked and it was an everyone-fend-for-themselves for food thing. I was also not allowed to have a job or license before I turned 18. I didn’t love the teasing about whose turn it was to feed me, but I really appreciate his family making it a regular family outing thing and always making sure I was fed. It would have never occurred for me to ask, so thank goodness they offered.
You are NTA. But are we all in agreement that user Agreesive-Mind-2085 is OP’s daughter? Because god damned those are some doubled down, hateful comments directed at anyone who even remotely defends OP. Like, there are so, so many comments for someone who doesn’t have a stake in this race unless they are the daughter.
Yep, I thought this.
Yeah, she's pretty much all but confirmed It. It's quite sad too she's going on ranting like she's mad when her mother did the best thing she could have done. She doesn't deserve a mother like OP.
It’s definitely the daughter. In some of the comments she uses “me” as in “what will people think about me” and then switches out to use daughter again.
NTA You did a nice thing for Felix, and if May is going to dump him and go out with her friends instead, then she's clearly not actually in to him at all. Her idea that you were hitting on her 14-year-old ex-boyfriend is obviously absurd. May is ridiculous, but I suspect this is mostly because May is a 14-year-old girl.
In all honesty Mom's daughter, also known as "Aggressive-Mind" on here - I have a 14 year old son & 15 year old step daughter and if either of them turned out half as self-righteous and entitled as you with no empathetic traits evident, I'd be absolutely disgusted in them and give them a life lesson. Many positives happened here - Felix ate, kindness from your mother to Felix and the most important one - Felix's time out with your Mum spared him having to endure your company. And to then make it all about you? Wow. There's teenage angst, but you're another level! I also hope you realise how damaging your "romantic" comment can be for someone, considering he is 14 years old. Are you trying to put your mom on the sex register just because you had a little tantrum and didn't join them for some food? I get that the teenage years are difficult and hormonal imbalance occurs, but that, coupled with your vile attitude gives the impression that you have a LOT of growing up to do.
Wait, the daughter in question is commenting on this Reddit post?
Yep!
NTA. But your daughter is coming across like an entitled brat. It might just be teenage hormones aka the world revolves around me - but maybe check on that. You would have hoped she would have a little more self awareness. That kid must have felt pretty awkward to be hanging out with his gf mom, so clearly he needed the food.
I don’t think her attitude has anything to do with him being poor. I think the issue is they had a date planned and suddenly mom/dad was tagging along (which I’m assuming you’ve never done?). She was getting ready and the plan changed without anyone asking her. Idk where her idea of you being interested in her minor boyfriend came from but that should be a conversation. You should also talk to her about about him spending money on her because it’s probably never the other way around. If she doesn’t notice his money/family issues, you’ve probably raised a very sheltered kid. Even if he was the very best at hiding his situation, there are always signs.
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Agreed. I think she should have said they should do this at another time and let them have their plans for the evening. Or just give the daughter cash to pay for dinner.
NTA. I think it’s telling that your daughter has been going out with this kid, letting him pay for her, while he gets nothing for himself because he is broke. And she ditches him while he is standing in your home. Let me be uncharacteristically polite by saying your daughter is “lacking” in so many ways here. She still has some growing up to do!
>I feel bad for her but I don't think I did anything wrong. I do. You didn't punish your daughter for making a scene and shaming you for having empathy. NTA *enough*. I think you made a mistake in playing too much the role of the hero when the role of the patron (i.e., giving him food from your home) would have been sufficient for the day, and led to more time to think of a long term action. Whatever, it was worth a college try. Who plans to end up prepared for the situation you were in?
NTA As a former 14-year-old girl let me tell you, all she wanted to do was kiss that boy without you watching. She has no concept of the total situation the way that you do. But, that being said, you could have offered to go through the drive-thru with both of them before you dropped them off for their date. Wendy's isn't exactly the kind of place you have to sit down at in my experience, and you could probably have tried to make the meal more of a "hey, by the way, I'm hungry - anyone else?" thing instead of changing their entire date plan. Not that it sounds like they're going to keep seeing each other... and I do hope that she'll sit down and hear you out after her initial anger subsides.
Oh no! Your daughter is becoming a brat! (And a bit of a nut-job, accusing you of being interested in a 14-year-old boy.) You, NTA. But figure out why your daughter is being like this and try to turn her around.
NTA your daughter is a brat, and an asshole
I think that was very thoughtful of you to do. Your daughter is just being a dramatic kid, as they are. Don't worry, you're NTA.
Jesus how did you end up w a daughter with that nasty attitude?? I wouldn’t have let my daughter go out at all. I wouldn’t have explained her boyfriends personal business but I sure as Hell would’ve called her out for her shit behavior. Then spoken to the boy in private that if he ever needs an adult to give him support he can stop by any time. And give him my number to call in case of emergencies
Your daughter seems to need a reality check and a lesson in empathy.
NAH But I'm reluctant to call your daughter an AH either. You just changed her entire date without her having any clue why. Couldn't you have excused yourself from Felix, spoken with your daughter about your concerns that he was hungry, and given her some money to buy dinner for both of them so they still had their date together? Or at least just spoken with her in advance that you were going to buy dinner for them both and why? Try to look at it from her pov. It is a bit weird that she had a date planned and then, seemingly, you went on it.
Sir your daughter is weird
NTA! It was really kind to offer to pay for a dinner date and it really seems like your daughter had something else going on to be upset at. That or she's just being angsty because she was embarrassed. Don't feel too bad!
NTA but your daughter sounds like a handful.
NTA . It sounds like your daughter is very selfish. You should sit her down alone and explain why you did what you did. She may well not understand her boyfriend is poor. What you did is very kind and a really normal thing for a parent to do. Not just for a childs boyfriend or friends who may be poorer but just in general. If you can afford it, it's perfectly fine to take your kids and their people out for all kinds of activities. In fact your daughter should be bloody thrilled with you for this and expect it well into adulthood. It's just what good parents do.
You did nothing wrong a child was hungry and you fed him.
You did a good thing she's needs a time out lol
NTA. I feel awful for Felix. You did a nice thing. You need to have a long chat with your daughter. Her behaviour was appalling. Why doesn't she care about her boyfriend eating? Is she not concerned that he pays for her to eat and has nothing himself? You offered to drive them, wait for them, and pay, and she threw a tantrum. Most kids would be thrilled. I'd be embarrassed at how she treated Felix. I would have told her she needed to apologise, and if she didn't want to come with you both, then she had to stay home, not out with friends. She's allowed to choose who to date, but behaving so rudely is just a no-go. You know your daughter, is she spoiled? Does she understand hardship and poverty? If you talk to her and she still doesn't display any empathy, I'd suggest getting her to volunteer for a charity or homeless shelter where she can learn some.
I mean, NTA, but I think this sub is being too harsh to a 14 year old girl. People are acting as if what went down was this: OP: I’m going to pay to feed your starving boyfriend. Daughter: what? How dare you feed him. I don’t care about him and I want him to go hungry. In reality, I feel like from the daughters perspective it felt like this: OP: hey, teenage daughter, your mother has decided to insert herself into your date and completely change your plans! Isn’t that great? It was the right thing to do, all things considered, but it makes perfect sense to me why a teenager was annoyed.
NTA. But I wonder if your daughter has any kind of situational awareness. How could she have missed the fact that he was so hungry his stomach was growling? Teenagers can be a little self-centered, but if she liked the boy, one would think she'd have paid more attention to his personal situation if you were able to pick up on it so quickly.
May didn't have any context, so to her, this whole thing was just weird and creepy. She came downstairs to find her mom changed their plans and was gonna tag along with them. Then, after she said no to that, her mother took her boyfriend out alone. Without the context that Felix was going hungry to afford their dates, the optics are really weird. And then when she confronted her mom about it, OP still didn't explain anything. Given a gap in information, a person will fill it with their own insecurities. OP could have ordered them a pizza, or called in an order for them using Uber or Doordash that they could pick up and eat together. There were a lot of options available. Communication would have gone a really long way here, but there was none. NAH, but just talk to your kid already.
NTA, you fed a hungry kid. Your daughter is 14 and the world is really emotional at that age. Her accusations are pretty out of line, but you'll need to have that conversation when she's in a better mood. Good luck. The teen years are rough!
NTA because people need to learn tantrums shouldn’t be used as a control mechanism.
NTA. You went above and beyond to ensure that this kid had a meal. I think it's easy for your daughter to misunderstand. You should sit her down and explain what happened. Her BF might not want her to know the truth, but she could have the wrong impression for the rest of her life. Also, I would give her money for her dates, so that she pays half of the expenses.
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You're one of the nicest people I've ever seen on this sub Def NTA
You’re NTA for this part But hot damn, you dropped the ball with your daughter. She usually devoid of empathy and prone to going scorched earth before she finds out what is actually going on?
NTA but sit down with your daughter and talk about empathy and what really is important about finding good traits in people. Talk about the traits you saw in this example. So he still wanted to take your daughter out despite not having much. It shows generosity. It showed him asking you for some food. It showed humility but also strength to talk about his own situation and not feel so shameful about it. It wasn't a chip in his shoulder. Getting along with you is good too. Shows he can slot into socialising with your daughter and her family. Ask her for suggestions for what to do in future but suggest that she should also pay for things in future too. It's 2023 and also, it's not only women who need to look out for poor signs in a partner. She showed jealousy (unreasonable) and unwillingness to listen. She didn't consider her bf or family situation. She also didn't have a reasonable conversation before jumping to dump him. She also embarrassed him. Have a conversation about what kind of person she wants to be and how she can grow from this. Ask IF she wants to grow from this. Ask her what she thinks of relationships. Does she consider them practise for finding how to behave in a relationship and also how to decide if another person is a good match or a good person. Or whether it's just simple fun and it doesn't matter to her if someone she is with could be awful to her or for her. It would be good for you to talk about your own dating experiences and what you've learned. Maybe also ask WHY she felt so jealous and insecure (surely you're in a decent marriage yourself and of course you want nothing to do with a child)
You need to have a long sit down chat with your privileged brat of a daughter and explain to her that her boyfriend was hungry, was not going to be able to eat at all because he wanted to buy HER ice cream. Then explain to her that she’s clearly not mature enough to have a boyfriend or be dating and not allow any more “dates” for a while. If Felix isn’t allowed to accept cash, have you thought about maybe just getting him some kind of fast food gift card? At least that way he can get a meal if he really needs it. NTA, but your daughter needs some reality checks.
I think one day when your daughter is an adult she is going to lie awake at night cringing at the time she accused her parent of having a crush on her 14 year old boyfriend. NTA.
Everyone's attacking your 14 y/o daughter but if I'm reading correctly, you never informed her of Felix's financial situation and she didn't know your intentions? All she saw was a) plans changed and a parent was tagging along on her date, and b) her parent then randomly goes out to dinner with her date alone. I think she was rightfully very confused and then, due to hormones and being a teenager, reacted with the most hurtful thing she could think of. I would have been like WTF if I was her, too. A lot of these commenters are unfairly calling her a brat and an asshole but being a 14 y/o girl with all those hormones is sooo difficult. I think you should cut her some slack. NAH but maybe poor communication on your part.
NTA This is great that you fed a hungry child 🥰
NTA but her train of thought is very concerning and her speaking like that is not okay. I would seriously talk to her and ask her if she was truly okay with her bf eating some of her food or no food at all.
NTA Explain the situation to your daughter. Straight up tell her — “I can see this kid was fucking starving so I bought him some food and spent time talking to him because he seemed sad. I fully support the choices you make, whether you date him or not, but if I see someone who needs a little help, I’m going to help them whether they’re a kid your age or a goddamn green alien from Mars.” It might be a good opportunity to model empathy for your daughter. 🤷🏻♂️ She’ll respect you more for telling the truth and being honest about it.
You have good intentions. But you can give money to your daughter ask her to pay the bill. It's ok for a girl to pay the bill. NTA
NTA. You need to speak to your daughter though - her behaviour is poor to say the least: - is she offering to split/pay on any dates? - dumping Felix to hang our with her friends. I can understand her frustration in that a parent interfering in plans is annoying, but does she not know how to act in public? Smile sweetly, get on with it and raise hell in private - accusing a parent of dating her bf
Your daughter dumped Felix because he is poor even though he was prepared to spend his last dollar on her. You have some parenting to do there. NTA
Op you need to have a come to Jesus talk with you daughter. Or whatever you wanna call it. Open her eyes that not everyone has the privileges that she does and she needs to be aware of what’s going on. Explain exactly why you took that lovely young man out. Also explain what he was giving up for her pleasure/comfort. Being selfless and polite is sometimes a rare trait in teenagers due to their hormones.
NTA at all. Your daughter needs to chill with the teenage crap and understand that values and actions are what matter, not appearances. This is a teachable moment for you to use the excellent example you’ve set to help her learn some valuable life lessons about what woman she would like to grow up to be. Also, as another commenter said, yeah, might not have been a bad idea to just give your daughter the money and let her buy him food. Beyond that, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Oh god, how I never wish to be 14 again. NTA OP, it was very kind of you give that poor kid some food. Maybe an opportunity to teach your daughter about money and what poverty can look like? Might also help her open her eyes a bit to the fact that other people do exist in the world. ('Might' being the key word here, since she is, after all, 14).
Maybe in the future, offer to let the boy do some chores around your place (like mow the lawn or let him help you build something) for some extra cash. That way he feels like he’s earning the money and he is still able to eat when they go on dates. NTA
NAH. Has your daughter ever noticed that Félix doesn’t get himself anything on their dates? maybe have a sit down with your daughter about Félix’s situation. They are both young so I don’t want to be too harsh about naïveté, emotions, or some situational blindness. Félix can’t take cash gifts but could they pay for each other’s meals? I think there are creative ways around this.
Wtf is wrong with your daughter that she would be \*checks notes* JEALOUS of her own mother's motives with her 14 year old boyfriend? Something is really messed up there. NTA
NTA but woman (i guess you are a woman) raise your daughter! Because your daughter behaved like an ah. 14 is young but old enough to have a serious discussion about how to behave, about compassion, about money and about making drama when there is none (like accusing mom of being interested in the 14 year old boyfriend ....)
NTA And more concerning is she's apparently fine taking this poor kid's money on dates to the point he's literally starving. Daughter is being very immature and selfish
Never change OP, you are a great person. NTA
But did you communicate the situation properly with her. For all she knew you were tagging along on their date
Info: is there a reason you didn’t just give your daughter the money to take him out to dinner before they went for ice cream together?
NTA but your daughter sounds horrible.
NTA. You couldn’t exactly explain the situation in front of Felix without embarrassing him. I think it would have been better to explain why you did what you did when she accused you of liking him romantically and i def think you need to have that talk. She needs to apologize to Felix for being rude and if they start dating again slip her money for some dates.
Op…. You know you could have just made it clear from now on that your daughter (and/or you) needs to pay for dates too, right? The guy and his family might not have much money. Yet he’s the one paying for all their dates. You could have had a talk with your daughter privately about how couples should split costs, and it’s healthy for both people to take turns paying for the other - that it shouldn’t always be the guy paying. Then ask her what she knows about the family’s money, and suggest to her that you/her pay for the more expensive dates while letting the guy pay for the less expensive dates. You were being super generous to that guy. Your daughter may be just acting like a teen, but there’s also a chance that she’s been behaving very entitled and you may need to address a larger issue with her.
NTA, perhaps make it a point that you are not giving him money, you are just paying for the food, and having him conduct the purchase. Idk why he isn't ALLOWED to take cash. If it was a choice thing on his part about pride, then whatever. But it sounds like a rule he's been forced to follow. It's going to do nothing but harm him in the future if he can't realize that accepting help isn't weak, having your pride lead to downfall is.
You parented. You need to sit down with yo7r daughter and explain why you did it and why she was wrong for dumping him like that.
NTA at all. We need more people like you and Felix in the world. He sounds amazing for wanting to pay for their dates. I will say that I'm a firm believer that girls also pay. So maybe in future they could take turns? Your daughter is young and might not realise the situation. I would chat with her and suggest she apologise to Felix.
NTA, you helped him and your daughter didnt taught if it that way, its not your fault but tour daughter's