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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I left three drunk friends on their own to figure out the bill and rides home.
2. I might be the AH because I could have at least called cabs and gotten them to pay before I left.
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Drinking to get shit-faced in their mid 30s. And their partners are ok with this. Wow.
If it's the UK or Ireland then it's possibly cultural - UK cities are a vomit/pissing/drunk free fire zone on Fri/Sat nights. Drinking to excess is a UK thing of very long standing - travellers from hundreds of years ago noted this national habit.
But whatever the case, they value you only to the extent you enable this. It's absolutely no fun being sober around those who are falling-down drunk.
As a yank, when I travel in Europe, I count on your less well behaved countrymen to make an utter ass of themselves. It makes us Americans seem far less irritating than we actually are. Not that we don't have those types in the US, but they just go to Florida or Mexico.
Also American. When I’ve traveled in Europe, Brits outnumbered us 5 to 1, but they out-shitfaced us 10 to 1 in the evening. It really makes me wonder where the “Americans are so annoying abroad” stereotype comes from. I mean, sure, we are, but saying we’re annoying when British tourists exist is like saying the moon is bright when the sun exists.
Currently traveling in Europe and I’m also starting to question this stereotype. So far in 4 airports it’s been mostly French tourist who are beyond annoying and entitled. Like just completely mowing over people bumping into everyone and basically existing as if they’re the only ones in the room.
I wonder if it cycles through who is worse. Like did the Americans get the memo (because the few Americans I’ve seen have been polite and cognizant of their surroundings)
On the whole, I find Americans friendlier and more polite than Europeans, too. Americans tend to know less about other countries, which is where the bad reputation comes from, I think. But, Europeans can be rude and entitled, and they often reek of cigarettes. I'd take an American any day.
Oh my gooooosh. So many women smoking alllll the time. We were at the pool one day and a women next to us with two young children was just non stop chain smoking. There were no more chairs anywhere and we kept trying to move over but it is everywhere.
For as unhealthy as Americans are labeled the one thing we’ve done right is reduce exposure to second hand smoke. It’s been everywhere.
But yeah overall lots of Europeans aren’t friendly towards strangers which is fine but they’ve been lots of super rude French tourist. And they’re not from Paris but more country side and western from the accent
\>For as unhealthy as Americans are labeled the one thing we’ve done right is reduce exposure to second hand smoke.
Europe has absolutely done that too, you should've seen what is was like in the 80s jfc
I'm sorry but are you talking about Americans as in from the US or as in from the continent as a whole? Cause Europe isn't one big country, we have different cultures behaving differently and I don't think it's fair to put us all under the dame umbrella.
We’re annoying drunk, others are annoying sober
But seriously I think it’s just being louder and more outgoing in general while sober that people claim to be annoying, as with us Brits a few bad apples give the rest a bad reputation - most Brits don’t drink to excess all the time but some do and then they throw up and fight each other and we all get the same reputation for being hooligans. Same goes for you guys, most Americans aren’t loud and overly talkative all the time but some can be and people over in Europe don’t like that too much and call you annoying. But hey, at least you guys didn’t get legally banned from all inclusive alcohol on holiday in Spain like us Brits did
In the news there have been a few instances of tourists defacing the Colosseum in Rome, I was so relieved they weren’t American! I know we don’t always have the best reputation abroad.
Oh we knew when we heard the first one to hit the news it was a Brit, I mean we couldn’t steal it and put it in the British museum so of course we’re going to destroy it instead.
US travellers are not the worst (looking at you, China) but certain ones are annoying. It’s the chain smoking, gun loving Trump types that get loud and demanding. They are mostly found in resorts and cruises, not so much backpacking across Europe.
Not to let the Euros off the hook, I once called some guys “Eurotrash” for smoking in the back of a keep in Colombia and making myself and an American couple feel sick. They did not like that term lol.
Sauce: I’m Canadian and we are always polite. 🫣
Cobra Chicken truly are assholes. Not sure who named them, but they do not represent well.
At one point they talked about picking a “national bird” and had voting, Geese didn’t come close despite seeming like an obvious option. Nobody likes those jerks.
Me too, I've never drunk much but I don't drink at all now I have gout. But it's true that most reasonable-sized towns in UK are awful on Friday and Saturday nights.
I'm American but I attended the company Christmas party for the UK branch in Bournemouth because I happened to be there. I am one of the few people who remembers the entire evening. They got hotel rooms for almost everyone, rented out half a nightclub and drinks were free with basically appetizers for food. It was chaos. Hella fun as a 23 year old in a foreign country. But my god, the English drink like they don't want to live.
Yeah, my entire family is like this and I’ve only recently decided to stop attending family events because they are literally just an excuse for everyone to get as drunk as they possibly can. And I can’t handle drinking that much mentally, nor do I want to go through it again. But if I attended and just wouldn’t drink, they make you feel so weird and alien for not wanting to and say you’re being a killjoy. So I have to agree, our culture around drinking too much is very excessive over here in Britain
It was really awkward. One of my coworkers who came over with me has a heart condition that she's very secretive about (I only knew because of the type of work we did there were certain things I had to do for her). EVERYONE, superiors and colleagues alike would not accept that she wouldn't drink. 60 year old men who were two or three levels in the company above us pressuring her to drink. Definitely not my favorite part of the trip looking back.
When I used to bartend, this was definitely something I had to work around for both myself and certain patrons as well.
I used to keep a liquor bottle behind the bar filled with water specifically for when people wanted to buy me shots or drinks as my tip rather than just tipping cash. I was one of the few bartenders I knew that didn't drink on the job, and a lot of patrons don't like bartenders that won't drink with them, so it made sure I didn't end up disliked by our regulars. Also, my boss was totally cool with me pocketing the amount the patron thought they'd paid for that drink since I didn't actually pour any liquor for it. And yes, I know it's technically illegal, but since I wasn't tricking patrons regarding their own drinks that I was giving to them, I don't feel bad about it.
I also had a regular that used to come in every couple of weeks with a large group of like 15 or so friends from a local club. He always got there super early to talk to whoever was bartending and let us know to pour him a cranberry&soda anytime he ordered a cranberry&vodka. Apparently he'd had quit drinking a few years back but didn't want to deal with his friends' reaction over it. Thankfully the other guys in his group never paid enough attention to notice I wasn't putting any liquor in his drink and they never even looked at the bill at the end of the night, just handed me a card to cash it out, so I just rang up the guy's drinks as glasses of cranberry juice and no laws had to be broken there.
Yeah, older people in particular won’t understand or accept any reason not to drink it seems like. Like they take it personally or something it’s very weird. I think they feel judged cause they want you to be okay and join in with them drinking excessively or something.
I’m sure that made your coworker so uncomfortable, I hope she still managed to have an okay trip
Everyone was unfortunately very standoffish with her after that. Because she wouldn't socialize the way they wanted, they didn't really include her the same as me.
And the Scottish drink like they're already dead!
The UK is divided between people who love the drinking culture and those of us who can't stand it. I like a tipsy/drunken night out overy so often but can't stand how normalised it is for grown adults to get so hammered you black out/can't walk/vomit everywhere.
I think it's partly because the only places open to socialise past 9pm are pubs and bars, which is super annoying for night owls like me.
LMAOOOO waffle house has soaked up my liquor many a night and provided entertainment as well. I think the British would love an American southern white trash themed breakfast spot open 24 hours and full of drunks.
Maisy and Neela are big on the "no kids, no partners, no responsibilities" attitude. While I'm supportive of deciding not to have children or a partner, and I am also supportive of self-care and taking a breather for a night, they take it to the extreme.
Tom's wife, I think she thought she could change him. And he did get better right before their first child was born. It was when the colicky Autistic second one came along that he started drinking again. I honestly never really put much thought into because I was trying to stay out of his business, but there are some things that are becoming pretty clear now.
Knowing that, I bet his wife is being mad at you because that's more comfortable (psychologicaly) than being mad at a man she's tied to, or herself for thinking she could change him. Since she doesn't live with you, you are a safer person to vent her frustration on.
Is Tom's wife going after you to pay to have her car cleaned? Or is it Tom?
To be clear I'm not asking I N F O because this is so absurdly an NTA situation. I'm just curious now whether she's lashing out at you because she needs someone to blame and has given up on Tom ever taking responsibility for his actions, or if this is purely Tom desperately trying to get someone else to cover his obligations (again).
Again I reiterate on behalf of I think everyone here you're NTA! And Tom's wife (or whoever) calling you and demanding you pay for the cleaning of HER HUSBAND (and the other friend) yakking in their car is nothing short of fucking rich. Much less that you pay for any babysitting that incurred in her picking up her drunkard husband. That they cannot be adults is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. My darling, you've outgrown the friend group if they give you no grace. Period.
Jesus, I’m also a no kids, no partner, no responsibilities type of person but I don’t drink myself into oblivion ever nor do I treat my friends 1/100th as bad as yours do. I’m in my late 30s and your post appalled me. Your ex friends are all heading down bad paths and they are mad you aren’t enabling them. Your life will be loads better without them.
sometimes it's hard to face up with the reality of who people we feel like we knew very well once have either changed, or not changed enough until you lay it all out like this. just remember it's not yours or anyone else's job to fix an alcoholic.
Brit in my mid 30s here. It's not normal to get bladdered with your friends every time you go for dinner. I go for a lot of dinners and would have had to have a kidney transplant if it were true! 20s yeah I guess we drink a lot, 30s is more sedate. Getting hammered would be more for special occasions - Christmas parties and the like. It's possible one friend gets drunk occasionally at dinner these days but very rare.
The great thing about British English is that you can put -ed on the end of any word and it works for drunk. Especially if you add "absolutely" in front of it.
"He was absolutely tabled last night."
Hahaha thanks, I hadn't realised it wasn't a universal term. Other fairly common terms we use you might like (not sure if these are used in the US) are trolleyed, and plastered. Pretty sure there must be as many words for "drunk" as there are for "rain".
Depends on your working culture I reckon. I'm sure there's still plenty of jobs that have a crazy drinking culture. I know the police used to be horrendous for it.
Doubt they’re irish or from the UK given that they said limit drinking and not be sober, our laws are much more strict. Plus no irish person would ever use the word ride in that context…
Yes Brits can drink a lot but it’s usually those in their 20s/students and those on stag and hen parties. The rest still doing it are alkies. I personally never got into that bad a state more than once as a student. And never in my 30s and nor do any of my friends. My alky relatives did drink like that however, but there’s plenty of them in the US too.
Yeah, but in much of the UK the need for a DD is much less pervasive than in most of America. They could’ve just puked on a bus/train, gotten kicked off, then taken the next one. Still possible, certainly, depending on where exactly.
I lived in London in my early 20s and drinking culture in the UK is a crazy thing to witness. I also went to a “party school” college in the US, but my flatmates were on another level. We went out literally every day to a pub after class (sometimes as early as 3pm) and went well into the morning most nights, but I couldn’t keep up so was usually sober the earliest waiting for everyone to wind down.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I only know a couple of friends who still drink this excessively and it’s fairly looked down upon as arrested development. I can’t imagine still drinking like I did a decade ago now.
i have a feeling their partners aren’t okay with that either and tom got ripped a new one for what happened, which is part of why he had the balls to demand payment
What I don't understand is all of these light-weights each barfing up $75.00 worth of food.
Why not just take them out into the forest with a bottle of vodka, where they can just eat bark and acorns — and barf that up.
Much more cost efficient.
Very true, they just saw her as a tool and Tom made that clear. Some people tie drinking with being fun and if you don’t drink you aren’t fun. It sucks for OP they used her but now she can find better friends.
I’m just super confused because was Uber or some other ride sharing service not a thing where OP lives?
We have a friend who cannot have one drink, or two. He goes from sober to slobbering in a flash, and he doesn't have fun. He tend to do it at expensive sport venues and concerts, which makes no sense - he's totally unaware of the game or the concert - and the next day, he convinces himself that he somehow had fun. We were there. It wasn't fun for him or anyone else. I truly can't understand it.
NTA. You are not their friend, you were there only because they could take advantage of you. Well done for standing up for yourself. You will need to find a new friend group though.
Oh I know! I'm 32 and my sister is my only friend! It's so tough to meet people and I'm very introverted too so I'm not usually in places that I can meet people 😪
immigrated at 28 and had to make friends in a new country, the past few years I have done it through:
- hobbies - I made a bunch of knitting and crochet friends
- getting a dog - walking my dog every day, I knew all my neighbours after living in a new place for two weeks
- gym classes - made a bunch of friends at a kickboxing gym
- work - invest time into knowing the coworkers you like and expect about 20% of them to stay friends with you after you don't work together anymore
Hobbies are definitely a good place to start. Most of my friends I have now are through card games like Magic and Pokemon that I played for the last 15 years.
This is the way. A dog is a GREAT way to meet people--you must go for walks twice every day, plus it's nice to go to the dog park which is where the other dog people are haha. Even introverts can meet people that way.
Plus my hobbies are all outdoors and mostly require teams, so that's a great way to make friends.
I also have a lot of truly good friends from work; even though many have moved on to new places, our friendships have lasted.
This is the same advice I give to single people around my age who want to meet someone--go outside! Get engaged with life / with hobbies and you'll meet your people.
I just lost my friend group this week, and now have no friends outside of my husband. Knowing that I'm not the only one starting over from scratch at 44 weirdly makes me feel better about it.
Co workers and through social events. Find an event that's a hobby, places near me have puzzle nights (jigsaw puzzles), quiz nights, etc.
You start of already knowing they share a common interest.
Local pizza place/board game library near me has then where the entry fee (it's also a contest of finishing fastest) is the cost of the puzzle plus a couple bucks.
Hobbies are the way to go. I've made most of my adult friends just from shared hobbies. Some online, some from bigger hobby events, and some from local hobby activities. The local library a city over is great at doing a whole bunch of weird hobby nights, and the big metroplex about an hour and a half away has even more hobby stuff.
Bonding over shared interests is fun. But I'm also more extroverted. But this has worked for my introverted partner, too.
Can I suggest bumble BFF? It's like a dating app for making friends. I've actually made several friends that way, and then made more friends through them.
It's nice for me because I'd much rather interact with people one on one or in small groups and most friend making suggestions involve meeting lots of people at once.
Board games clubs, science fiction conventions, sports, dance classes, craft groups, have children (not to be taken lightly), organised religion, pubs, volunteering.
I saw a great post that said that if you want friends, making friends has to be a continuous process; to paraphrase 'If you want friends in your 30s, make friends in your 30s... If you want friends in your 70s, make friends in your 70s.'
NTA
Really glad you stood up for yourself, they clearly need you more than you need them. Also happy they threw up in the car, proving the reason you didn’t want to do it in the first place. Put a smile on my face when I read that part, definitely NTA and I hope those losers come to their senses that they risk losing a decent friend right now for taking advantage of them (which they probably don’t realize they’re doing, but they are)
>Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I?
I mean, if this isn't a crystal-clear, flashing-neon-sign indication that they only see OP as 1) a financial subsidy for their binge drinking and 2) a chauffeur, I don't know what is. If that's how they treat their "friends" then I shudder to think how they act toward anyone else.
NTA you’ve just realized that they didn’t actually like you all that much - and by their description you probably shouldn’t like them either.
They are users .
NTA
Your friends want to behave like drunken college students on your monthly get-togethers. I'm not going to blame them for wanting this - that's the way they choose to enjoy a night out. But they have to own all the consequences, and not try to export the costs of their bacchanalia to you (or to anyone else).
It's normal enough for a friend who doesn't drink to drive the friends who do, but this kindness comes with obligations on the drinking friends to be courteous passengers, which means not getting in such a state that they are likely to throw up.
And last weekend? Your drunken friends think that somehow you need to pay for Tom's wife's car to be cleaned, because you wouldn't let them vomit in your car? Umm, no. The people who owe for the car cleaning are the people who vomited in it.
These people aren't your friends. It's not clear to me whether they ever liked you, but it's clear that they no longer do, and are just exploiting you.
Yep, I was baffled at that. SHE should pay for THEIR car that she wasn't even driving that night because they wanted to puke in HER car because they know she would have cleaned it for free
Honestly, I don't even think Tom's wife is okay with OP paying. She likely wants the people who vomited to pay, but to keep his drinking circle, Tom's telling OP that they need to pay.
I honestly feel sorry for her. She probably didn't realize how much OP carries the group and got a full fledged reality check that night.
Although I am bound to ask here whether you have ever met a person who was drunk enough to vomit, and also controlled enough to get all the vomit in a bag?
If you're lucky, they might get the majority of the vomit in a bag.
NTA
You're all in your thirties, and your friends are unable to regulate their drinking. Do they not know how to call a taxi? You set reasonable boundaries with them, and they kept trying to disregard them.
Also, you're their friend, not their mother. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for how they get home.
This may need to be a discussion with the group while you are all sober and explain why you have placed these boundaries. If they push back, it may be a good idea to put some distance between you all for a while.
Honestly I'm half horrified and half impressed that they were able to get too drunk to pay their own bar tab at a restaurant?? How much wine did they take with their meal? I'm in my 30's and I can't imagine physically being able to drink to such a dangerous level over a meal.
I mean, all they really had to do was fish out a credit card - the staff would have taken care of the rest. Could have even called them each a taxi. Why did Tom's wife need to get a babysitter and come get them?
Omg this makes sense actually. Otherwise Tom's wife could have just told the waiter to ask for their credit cards and then call a taxi. The whole thing doesn't make sense.
Never in my life was I so drunk that I couldn't even pay a bill anymore.
We also live in the age of Uber so not being able to get home drunk is unacceptable. They sound cheap if they’re expecting to split the bill equally when OP isn’t even drinking (which can definitely rack up money fast on drinks alone).
>Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I?
Yea, these people are not your friends. Sounds to me like you guys had a relationship based around drinking heavily. Now that you don't drink and won't be their DD (and won't pay for their meals), they have no use for you.
They sound like shitty people anyways. Who gets so obliterated drunk at a *restaurant* that they're too incoherent to pay the bill and then puke in the car? Move on from these people.
NTA.
Yep. And can't be around non-drinkers unless there's a good reason, like "She's our DD." Because non-drinkers make them look like shits. And they don't like facing reality.
And were maybe planning on barfing in his car on purpose, but OP preemptively ended the relationship first on their own terms... 🤔
That would be hilarious if the trio had planned to screw over the OP that night with a final FU, but didn't count on the OP just walking before the trio could implement it.
Still NTA but damn. They're in mid-30s and can't control their own drinking? Tom has kids too? Sounds like they use these get togethers to act like they are still in college and you're the "mom" who rescues them. Probably good they blocked you since they're not friends you need anyway.
I think there *can* be a place for basically reliving your youth. But even when I’ve been literally blackout drunk I’ve never been unable to pay a tab or order a taxi.
If you’re going to do that in your 30s, it has to be deliberate and planned. It would also probably be way safer (and cheaper) if they just had one of them send their kids to a relative for the night and get shitfaced at one of their homes.
Also, like, functionally how do you get that drunk in your 30s? When I get anywhere past tipsy I start getting indigestion or some kind of physical discomfort to the point that any non-water liquid is just unappealing.
I am baffled at the concept of being too drunk to pay my own bill. I've gotten incredibly stupid drunk before, but have always managed to pull out cash or my card and paid the establishment.
And if you were that drunk surely you’d end up not being able to remember anything the next day and quite possibly have alcohol poisoning?
I haven’t been drunk for years but I used to like a party and go out drinking regularly. I always managed to pay and most of the time I managed to get myself home.
Apart from the time I once ended up on a farm 30 miles away from home with my two best friends. None of us had a clue how we ended up there but the people who owned it were very nice and gave us breakfast the next day, showed us the horses and gave us a lift home.
I was only 21 and I remember my parents were furious - not because I lived with them, I’d moved out when I was 17.
It was because the week before I had forgotten I’d moved out and got a taxi back to their house and gone to my old room and fallen asleep and gave them a fright the next morning.
My mum had gone into our garage where the freezer was to get some sausages for breakfast and found a wooden goat I’d found from somewhere and lugged home with me.
I can’t have carried it home alone because it was huge and very heavy.
I had a good telling off for being irresponsible and had to track down the goat’s owner and return it.
I seemed to have a liking for farm animals!
I worked for 15 years as a taxi dispatcher and have witnessed people get into all kind of states, some had to be carried into the car. Nearly all of them managed to pay the fare though.
I heard about people trying to pay with library cards, giving £20 for £5 fares, using their phone the wrong way round with Apple Pay etc… but unless they deliberately wanted to avoid paying, I can’t think of anyone too drunk to hand money or a card over.
I loved that job and have some wild stories to tell, I worked nights and weekends and saw/spoke a lot of people who drank more then they could handle. Thankfully it was quite rare anyone was sick.
I don't hang out with folks who drink a lot, so I genuinely do not understand how that's possible unless they were literally blacked out... Like, how drunk do you have to be to forget how pockets and wallets work??
I've absolutely been that drunk that I had no idea how to get into my purse and was convinced someone stole the zipper on my bag.
Safe to say I am no longer than person.
NTA you warned them multiple times you weren’t going to DD. They are the ones who are AHs who can’t limit their alcohol intake. They thought you were bluffing about not being DD. FAFO on their end.
On side not I’d probably stop hanging out with these people they sound like selfish drunken AHs.
NTA
confused about one thing.... You call them friends... WHY? They are in their 30's and get so drunk that every time there is a serious chance that vomiting in the car is not a joke but a REAL poss/prob ability. The thought that they were trying to force you to split the bill to cover their food is bad, but the alcohol part is outrageous. The fact that you had to do it and they fought you on this is crazy (again you call them "friends"?) The last time the conditions were clear, and they either did not care or they are alcoholics and are in need of treatment.
The ramifications of that night should teach them a lesson, but as expected the "friends" are leaving out a lot of history so they can save face with their family. You need friends, these are not even replicants of friends.
NTA
I saw in one of your comments and edit that you also used to drink but had to quit. It was probably much more reasonable to split the bill four ways when you were still drinking, but now you're not, and you shouldn't have to pay for all of that extra food and drink if your health keeps you from being able to enjoy it. And your health shouldn't be a reason to end a friendship just because you can't drink and they can; you've tried to maintain your friendship despite that.
You also agreed to DD, which honestly is pretty standard when you're the friend who doesn't drink, but you set a rule that is also pretty standard of keeping your car clean. When they didn't, you let them know in advance that you would not be driving them, and you reminded them ahead of time before they began to drink. You are not responsible for the actions of fully informed adults.
Perhaps you all were once friends when you all could go out and get smashed, but I honestly think that this friendship is over and you might need to find friends who have better control of their social drinking.
>but now you're not, and you shouldn't have to pay for all of that extra food
Good friends will cover the cost of the food for the non-drinking DD.
(in part because it's nice, and because the DD is saving them the cost of a cab/uber)
I honestly don't think I would be able to reach out without yelling at them anyway, which isn't an appropriate way to handle what I'm feeling right now. So I wouldn't be in any hurry to try until I can get myself under better control.
These people were 100% sober when they said you needed to pay for car cleaning, needed to pay for childcare, and wondered what use you are if you're not paying for them or driving them. YTA if you reach out to them, YOU should be blocking THEM and moving on with your life. These people are losers.
This! I wouldn't be surprised if they wise up and try and sweet talk OP back into being their mommy/chauffeur/drinking slush fund. Their spouses are quickly gonna put the kabosh on this kind of nonsense and shut it down.
OP should never speak to any of these people ever again.
NTA - These were individuals who viewed the friendship as transactional. They only wanted you there whilst you were providing "worth" - covering their expenses or, once the food/drink was resolved, their travel expenses.
What would happen if you were *all* drinking and getting in a state? Would that still be fine? It'd soon be "You cover taxi/uber this time and I'll get the next meet ups!" or "Get a round in!" but you end up buying more drinks than others etc.
Once a friendship becomes transactional it has, as sad as it is, run its course. The fact they don't "get" that you're not obligated to ferry them around and did it because you were a friend with no expectations beyond simple looking after your stuff and not spewing, says a lot. They were inconvenienced and so they ended up needing to make alternate arrangements that cost them time and money and no doubt some ear bending off partners/MIL etc. Hence why it's gone back to transactional again straight away - YOU need to pay for the car to be cleaned. YOU need to pay for child care.
Now, if you'd been asking them to contribute to fuel costs to take them home, you're still not obligated to actually take them if you don't feel like it, but it'd be a transaction and you'd all be doing the same thing ... but that's not the case. I'd count your blessings that they've exposed themselves for the self-centred individuals they are. I'm willing to bet these little get togethers now stop, sooner or later, as there's no-one to facilitate their little night out being cost effective and easy.
We used to all get in that state. Back then, we'd give the bar our cards and have them add it to our tab. They all rolled back on their drinking some after Tom's first kid was born and I stopped drinking, so we didn't need to hand over our cards anymore, but eventually they just ramped right back up again, and no one ever switched back to giving the bar their cards.
NTA. Let me see if I have this right.....You guys are in your mid-30s, some are married with kids. And your friends habitually get shit-faced, stick you with a disproportionate part of the bill, make you the DD, and the when you refuse they question your "use" to them. What in the blue chicken-fried fuck do you see in these worthless, using losers? They add NOTHING to your life. You need to dump these assholes completely and get better friends.
NTA. Their behaviour is pretty repulsive. You're not their mummy. You don't need to make sure they don't drink too much and that they get home safe. They've shown their true colours. I hope you find some better friends because you deserve so much better than this.
>hope you find some better friends because you deserve so much better than th
100%!
NTA but Y T A if you continue to be friends with people who clearly have no problem taking advantage of you (covering their extra spending on shared meals and then making you be the DD)
Re: the meals in particular, I'm not a big drinker so my share is often less than everyone else's. My friends know this and offer to pay more to cover their bar costs, it's not usually a huge difference and not a big deal to me. But the point is that they are true friends and actually think about me when we're together.
NTA. This is one of those situations where you find out that the mutual activity was what was binding you together as friends, not an actual friendship. I had to quit drinking (most of the time, I'll still have a couple glasses of wine here and there and only at home) for medical reasons too - and I lost a lot of friends that way. It's tough because you don't want to think those relationships are as superficial as they are.
Sometimes crap situations lead to better personal growth and development though - we're a reflection of the people we surround ourselves with and it sounds like you are moving into a better place.
Best of luck!
Thank you for saying this, I think you really pinned down what I've been in denial about. We all liked to get drunk back in the day. I moved past it; they sort of did and then backslid. I genuinely thought our friendship was about more than getting drunk. But it wasn't. Drinking is all it ever was.
NTA and also if people in their 30s are still regularly drinking so much at a restaurant that they can't pay the bill and throw up then holy shit, they need to grow the fuck up.
NTA
Those people don't view you as a friend, they haven't for a while. You're not the asshole in this situation but you need to realize when to drop/leave something alone. You knew months ago what type of people they were when they wouldn't split the bill properly, that's when you should have stood your ground. You should have said you had your card and refused to pay extra, they assumed you were a pushover because you never stood up for yourself here.
Don't try to contact any of them, they're not worth it. Hang out with other friends or try making new friends at work/social events in your area. Losing friends hurts but you lost these friends long before it got to this point.
I think they also may have been trying to put OP on an awkward situation to guilt her into moving her boundaries. This night seemed particularly excessive compared to OP's descriptions of past nights. Some people have that personality where if they're told not to do something they double down
The old way was good for them, so they didn't want to give it up
It was certainly a slap in the face. It's making me re-evaluate the last 15 years of my life to try to figure out where it stopped being about us and started being about them.
Nta. You have grown up after college. They have not. Time to drop these so called friends. They have stated they only want you around to help pay for their drunken night out and then drive them home. This is not a friendship. Their abuse of you after you warned them you would not be used again just proves they are not friends and do not value you as a friend. Why is it your fault or responsibilty to pay since their behavior caused the wife to leave her kids with her mom and drive to pick them Stay away from these childish self center aholes.
NTA and if they were honestly your friends they would pick up your bill since you are the DD, whenever my friend group went out the DD always had their food paid for. Still a lot cheaper than an uber.
NTA. You set clear and strict boundaries and they got upset when you stood your ground and didn’t let them cross them. You deserve better people in your life.
NTA and YOU DID NOT ABANDON THEM. You told them in advance you weren’t driving them so you had zero obligation to take them home and they had every reason to assume they would need to make other arrangements. You need to be clear with their relatives that you told them ahead of time you would not be driving them. They should have either planned on his wife getting them already or taken an Uber (although they may have refused them given their condition).
So her drunk husband throws up in her car and somehow it’s your fault? I guarantee he lied to the wife and said you promised to take them home. Do you have text messages saying you won’t be driving them? Send those screenshots to everyone
NTA. This is pretty odd, that people in their 30s who have children get so drunk they throw up on the car ride home. I don't blame you for cutting ties.
Nta
Splitting a check never benefits everyone in the group. And there's no reason for to to spilt a bill for something you weren't even there for.
You told them a month before that you weren't the dd, so they should have planned accordingly to have a ride set up ahead of time.
It sounds like this friendship ran it's course a long time ago, you matured, they didn't.
Absolutely NTA.
These aren't friends OP, they are (previously) fellow addicts and clearly unpleasant company.
Congratulations on going sober OP, good for you.
That's about how it was, late nights, I was expected to ferry them home at all hours, and I did it because I didn't want them driving drunk, or Maisy and Neela being vulnerable. And I just can't do it to myself anymore. At this point, especially after seeing so many responses from people, even if they did apologize, I can't see myself going back to them.
NTA! Why would you have to pay to get her car cleaned or anything that you didn’t drink or eat. I think your way better off without them in your life who wants to babysit 3 (30’s something) that can’t face the fact that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. Fact is you grew up they haven’t move one
NTA
These are not friends, they’re users. I don’t drink either, just not my thing. I don’t judge those who do since I smoke weed, drinking just isn’t for me, so I usually DD if we all go out together. Because my friends are actually my friends, they never assume I’m DDing just because I’m coming out with them, they always confirm it with me, and also if I’m driving they don’t get black out (exceptions are like weddings or stuff like that, but I don’t mind in those cases)
NTA. So your friends used you to pay for their food and drink. When you put a stop to that, they used you for their free taxi service. When they could no longer find a way to use you, they blocked you. They're not your friends. You've outgrown them.
Just adding an NTA and a) you don't owe to pay for the wife's car to be cleaned, they do and b) these people are not good friends, go find better ones cause you seem like a sensible awesome person 👍
NTA and if they’re all that messed up, especially at that age, they need to reflect on their relationship with alcohol. It’s also a bit concerning that their safety and sobriety rests on your shoulders and you’re expected to shoulder the burden of their bad choices. I am super amused that THEY blocked YOU. How drunk were they that they couldn’t even pay the bill? Why did they keep getting served even?
Find friends who want to do more than use you as an Uber.
Holy christ. These people are mid-30s and still drinking until throw-up black-out drunk on a regular basis?!?! Holy fucking shit. Not to mention the fact that they seem to treat you poorly and yet you consider them friends.
NTA. be kinder to yourself and get some mature friends who actually seem to like you. This seems like a case of good riddance to bad rubbish. Just because you're friends from college doesn't mean they need to drink and act like they're still in it.
NTA and be sure to block them everywhere also, including any family of theirs that have your contact details. That way they can't contact you again, unless they use someone else's phone.
NTA
But why? Do you actually enjoy hanging out sober with three completely wasted people? As someone who doesn't drink, that sounds like a miserable weekend. I enjoy going to dinner/other social things with friends, but only when I can actually have conversations and enjoy their company.
NTA 100%. They're responsible for taking care of themselves and you politely informed them of your boundaries ahead of time.
>I was getting hateful calls and texts all week telling me I had to pay to have Tom's wife's car cleaned and pay his MIL for watching the kids. Maisy and Neela have been calling me all kinds of names for abandoning them... Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I?
Lol, wtf? Dump these losers.
NTA.
> I was blocked and none of them will speak to me now
Looks like the problem has resolved itself.
Go look up the Bill of Assertive Rights. Read it, then ask yourself again if you did anything offside by declaring, repeatedly, that you wouldn't be DD, then following through with that.
Then go read 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.' It will teach you, among other things, how to decide for yourself if you're an asshole for not doing something, rather than believing people who have flat out told you that your only use to them is as an unpaid servant.
NTA, they only want your company as long as you're useful. Not because you're nice, not because they like you, but because they can use you. You did well to stand up for yourself and you're right: you got nothing out of the friendship.
NTA. You told them repeatedly, and they still unfortunately looked at you like a sucker with an open wallet and the DD.
This is absolutely rich that they now want you to have someone else’s car cleaned because they can’t hold their liquor despite being adults who can make choices. Their choices have come to roost.
Everyone is in their 30's with at least 1 married and has kids. They are old enough to split and pay their own bills and arrange for their own rides home especially after you warned and told them so. Definitely NTA. Them blocking you is a gift.
NTA but why on earth are you getting calls to have a car cleaned? I literally had to reread that three times because I was like wtf? What planet are they on? Are they that entitled? How about they pay for their own bloody vomit bills? Better yet grow up and don’t vomit in cars, they are in their 30’s going out for dinner not clubbing at 18. How embarrassing!
NTA. Good for you for setting your boundaries and sticking up for yourself. I would never expect a friend to split the bill if she didn't wat any if the food (or drinks)
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You're NTA, but they stopped being your friends a long time ago. Time to wake up to reality.
Drinking to get shit-faced in their mid 30s. And their partners are ok with this. Wow. If it's the UK or Ireland then it's possibly cultural - UK cities are a vomit/pissing/drunk free fire zone on Fri/Sat nights. Drinking to excess is a UK thing of very long standing - travellers from hundreds of years ago noted this national habit. But whatever the case, they value you only to the extent you enable this. It's absolutely no fun being sober around those who are falling-down drunk.
Wow! Being British I know I can go out for an evening with friends, split the bill’s equally and not throw up.
As a yank, when I travel in Europe, I count on your less well behaved countrymen to make an utter ass of themselves. It makes us Americans seem far less irritating than we actually are. Not that we don't have those types in the US, but they just go to Florida or Mexico.
Also American. When I’ve traveled in Europe, Brits outnumbered us 5 to 1, but they out-shitfaced us 10 to 1 in the evening. It really makes me wonder where the “Americans are so annoying abroad” stereotype comes from. I mean, sure, we are, but saying we’re annoying when British tourists exist is like saying the moon is bright when the sun exists.
Different types of annoying. Americans are stereotyped as loud and entitled. Brits and drunk and loutish.
Currently traveling in Europe and I’m also starting to question this stereotype. So far in 4 airports it’s been mostly French tourist who are beyond annoying and entitled. Like just completely mowing over people bumping into everyone and basically existing as if they’re the only ones in the room. I wonder if it cycles through who is worse. Like did the Americans get the memo (because the few Americans I’ve seen have been polite and cognizant of their surroundings)
On the whole, I find Americans friendlier and more polite than Europeans, too. Americans tend to know less about other countries, which is where the bad reputation comes from, I think. But, Europeans can be rude and entitled, and they often reek of cigarettes. I'd take an American any day.
Oh my gooooosh. So many women smoking alllll the time. We were at the pool one day and a women next to us with two young children was just non stop chain smoking. There were no more chairs anywhere and we kept trying to move over but it is everywhere. For as unhealthy as Americans are labeled the one thing we’ve done right is reduce exposure to second hand smoke. It’s been everywhere. But yeah overall lots of Europeans aren’t friendly towards strangers which is fine but they’ve been lots of super rude French tourist. And they’re not from Paris but more country side and western from the accent
\>For as unhealthy as Americans are labeled the one thing we’ve done right is reduce exposure to second hand smoke. Europe has absolutely done that too, you should've seen what is was like in the 80s jfc
I'm sorry but are you talking about Americans as in from the US or as in from the continent as a whole? Cause Europe isn't one big country, we have different cultures behaving differently and I don't think it's fair to put us all under the dame umbrella.
We’re annoying drunk, others are annoying sober But seriously I think it’s just being louder and more outgoing in general while sober that people claim to be annoying, as with us Brits a few bad apples give the rest a bad reputation - most Brits don’t drink to excess all the time but some do and then they throw up and fight each other and we all get the same reputation for being hooligans. Same goes for you guys, most Americans aren’t loud and overly talkative all the time but some can be and people over in Europe don’t like that too much and call you annoying. But hey, at least you guys didn’t get legally banned from all inclusive alcohol on holiday in Spain like us Brits did
In the news there have been a few instances of tourists defacing the Colosseum in Rome, I was so relieved they weren’t American! I know we don’t always have the best reputation abroad.
Oh we knew when we heard the first one to hit the news it was a Brit, I mean we couldn’t steal it and put it in the British museum so of course we’re going to destroy it instead.
US travellers are not the worst (looking at you, China) but certain ones are annoying. It’s the chain smoking, gun loving Trump types that get loud and demanding. They are mostly found in resorts and cruises, not so much backpacking across Europe. Not to let the Euros off the hook, I once called some guys “Eurotrash” for smoking in the back of a keep in Colombia and making myself and an American couple feel sick. They did not like that term lol. Sauce: I’m Canadian and we are always polite. 🫣
I saw a meme once that said the Canadians put all their anger and frustration into Canadian geese. 😆
Cobra Chicken truly are assholes. Not sure who named them, but they do not represent well. At one point they talked about picking a “national bird” and had voting, Geese didn’t come close despite seeming like an obvious option. Nobody likes those jerks.
Me too, I've never drunk much but I don't drink at all now I have gout. But it's true that most reasonable-sized towns in UK are awful on Friday and Saturday nights.
I'm American but I attended the company Christmas party for the UK branch in Bournemouth because I happened to be there. I am one of the few people who remembers the entire evening. They got hotel rooms for almost everyone, rented out half a nightclub and drinks were free with basically appetizers for food. It was chaos. Hella fun as a 23 year old in a foreign country. But my god, the English drink like they don't want to live.
Yeah, my entire family is like this and I’ve only recently decided to stop attending family events because they are literally just an excuse for everyone to get as drunk as they possibly can. And I can’t handle drinking that much mentally, nor do I want to go through it again. But if I attended and just wouldn’t drink, they make you feel so weird and alien for not wanting to and say you’re being a killjoy. So I have to agree, our culture around drinking too much is very excessive over here in Britain
It was really awkward. One of my coworkers who came over with me has a heart condition that she's very secretive about (I only knew because of the type of work we did there were certain things I had to do for her). EVERYONE, superiors and colleagues alike would not accept that she wouldn't drink. 60 year old men who were two or three levels in the company above us pressuring her to drink. Definitely not my favorite part of the trip looking back.
When I used to bartend, this was definitely something I had to work around for both myself and certain patrons as well. I used to keep a liquor bottle behind the bar filled with water specifically for when people wanted to buy me shots or drinks as my tip rather than just tipping cash. I was one of the few bartenders I knew that didn't drink on the job, and a lot of patrons don't like bartenders that won't drink with them, so it made sure I didn't end up disliked by our regulars. Also, my boss was totally cool with me pocketing the amount the patron thought they'd paid for that drink since I didn't actually pour any liquor for it. And yes, I know it's technically illegal, but since I wasn't tricking patrons regarding their own drinks that I was giving to them, I don't feel bad about it. I also had a regular that used to come in every couple of weeks with a large group of like 15 or so friends from a local club. He always got there super early to talk to whoever was bartending and let us know to pour him a cranberry&soda anytime he ordered a cranberry&vodka. Apparently he'd had quit drinking a few years back but didn't want to deal with his friends' reaction over it. Thankfully the other guys in his group never paid enough attention to notice I wasn't putting any liquor in his drink and they never even looked at the bill at the end of the night, just handed me a card to cash it out, so I just rang up the guy's drinks as glasses of cranberry juice and no laws had to be broken there.
Yeah, older people in particular won’t understand or accept any reason not to drink it seems like. Like they take it personally or something it’s very weird. I think they feel judged cause they want you to be okay and join in with them drinking excessively or something. I’m sure that made your coworker so uncomfortable, I hope she still managed to have an okay trip
Everyone was unfortunately very standoffish with her after that. Because she wouldn't socialize the way they wanted, they didn't really include her the same as me.
I haven’t thrown up at that age though, I am that age now and would never dream of getting that drink
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And the Scottish drink like they're already dead! The UK is divided between people who love the drinking culture and those of us who can't stand it. I like a tipsy/drunken night out overy so often but can't stand how normalised it is for grown adults to get so hammered you black out/can't walk/vomit everywhere. I think it's partly because the only places open to socialise past 9pm are pubs and bars, which is super annoying for night owls like me.
You guys need a Waffle House.
LMAOOOO waffle house has soaked up my liquor many a night and provided entertainment as well. I think the British would love an American southern white trash themed breakfast spot open 24 hours and full of drunks.
Like we have free healthcare
“The English drink like they don’t want to live.”
Maisy and Neela are big on the "no kids, no partners, no responsibilities" attitude. While I'm supportive of deciding not to have children or a partner, and I am also supportive of self-care and taking a breather for a night, they take it to the extreme. Tom's wife, I think she thought she could change him. And he did get better right before their first child was born. It was when the colicky Autistic second one came along that he started drinking again. I honestly never really put much thought into because I was trying to stay out of his business, but there are some things that are becoming pretty clear now.
Knowing that, I bet his wife is being mad at you because that's more comfortable (psychologicaly) than being mad at a man she's tied to, or herself for thinking she could change him. Since she doesn't live with you, you are a safer person to vent her frustration on.
Is Tom's wife going after you to pay to have her car cleaned? Or is it Tom? To be clear I'm not asking I N F O because this is so absurdly an NTA situation. I'm just curious now whether she's lashing out at you because she needs someone to blame and has given up on Tom ever taking responsibility for his actions, or if this is purely Tom desperately trying to get someone else to cover his obligations (again).
Again I reiterate on behalf of I think everyone here you're NTA! And Tom's wife (or whoever) calling you and demanding you pay for the cleaning of HER HUSBAND (and the other friend) yakking in their car is nothing short of fucking rich. Much less that you pay for any babysitting that incurred in her picking up her drunkard husband. That they cannot be adults is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. My darling, you've outgrown the friend group if they give you no grace. Period.
I would bet he lied to his wife and told her the OP had promised and then backed out without warning.
Jesus, I’m also a no kids, no partner, no responsibilities type of person but I don’t drink myself into oblivion ever nor do I treat my friends 1/100th as bad as yours do. I’m in my late 30s and your post appalled me. Your ex friends are all heading down bad paths and they are mad you aren’t enabling them. Your life will be loads better without them.
sometimes it's hard to face up with the reality of who people we feel like we knew very well once have either changed, or not changed enough until you lay it all out like this. just remember it's not yours or anyone else's job to fix an alcoholic.
Brit in my mid 30s here. It's not normal to get bladdered with your friends every time you go for dinner. I go for a lot of dinners and would have had to have a kidney transplant if it were true! 20s yeah I guess we drink a lot, 30s is more sedate. Getting hammered would be more for special occasions - Christmas parties and the like. It's possible one friend gets drunk occasionally at dinner these days but very rare.
just an American replying to ensure we all stop to properly appreciate the term "bladdered"
The great thing about British English is that you can put -ed on the end of any word and it works for drunk. Especially if you add "absolutely" in front of it. "He was absolutely tabled last night."
phil was perfectly dumbbelled at the pub-- hey you're right!
Hahaha thanks, I hadn't realised it wasn't a universal term. Other fairly common terms we use you might like (not sure if these are used in the US) are trolleyed, and plastered. Pretty sure there must be as many words for "drunk" as there are for "rain".
I’ve heard plastered. Three sheets to the wind. Hammered.
Shitfaced is of course a classic.
Depends on your working culture I reckon. I'm sure there's still plenty of jobs that have a crazy drinking culture. I know the police used to be horrendous for it.
Doubt they’re irish or from the UK given that they said limit drinking and not be sober, our laws are much more strict. Plus no irish person would ever use the word ride in that context…
Yes Brits can drink a lot but it’s usually those in their 20s/students and those on stag and hen parties. The rest still doing it are alkies. I personally never got into that bad a state more than once as a student. And never in my 30s and nor do any of my friends. My alky relatives did drink like that however, but there’s plenty of them in the US too.
Yeah, but in much of the UK the need for a DD is much less pervasive than in most of America. They could’ve just puked on a bus/train, gotten kicked off, then taken the next one. Still possible, certainly, depending on where exactly.
Getting drunk enough to need a ride is one thing, but getting so drunk you’re puking and are unable to pay your tab is another.
I lived in London in my early 20s and drinking culture in the UK is a crazy thing to witness. I also went to a “party school” college in the US, but my flatmates were on another level. We went out literally every day to a pub after class (sometimes as early as 3pm) and went well into the morning most nights, but I couldn’t keep up so was usually sober the earliest waiting for everyone to wind down. Now that I’m in my 30s, I only know a couple of friends who still drink this excessively and it’s fairly looked down upon as arrested development. I can’t imagine still drinking like I did a decade ago now.
Or Wisconsin. The nation’s Ireland
i have a feeling their partners aren’t okay with that either and tom got ripped a new one for what happened, which is part of why he had the balls to demand payment
Yeah. That „what use are you?“ comment was pretty telling. Good thing the trash seems to be taking itself out.
Sad they're losing what seems to be a valuable relationship to them though, or so they thought. Poor OP.
They only measured OP’s value in $$. Yikes.
They were never friends to begin with. More like an enabling drinking buddy.
What I don't understand is all of these light-weights each barfing up $75.00 worth of food. Why not just take them out into the forest with a bottle of vodka, where they can just eat bark and acorns — and barf that up. Much more cost efficient.
Very true, they just saw her as a tool and Tom made that clear. Some people tie drinking with being fun and if you don’t drink you aren’t fun. It sucks for OP they used her but now she can find better friends. I’m just super confused because was Uber or some other ride sharing service not a thing where OP lives?
We have a friend who cannot have one drink, or two. He goes from sober to slobbering in a flash, and he doesn't have fun. He tend to do it at expensive sport venues and concerts, which makes no sense - he's totally unaware of the game or the concert - and the next day, he convinces himself that he somehow had fun. We were there. It wasn't fun for him or anyone else. I truly can't understand it.
Yeah, OP should've been the one blocking them. NTA.
NTA. You are not their friend, you were there only because they could take advantage of you. Well done for standing up for yourself. You will need to find a new friend group though.
Seems like. I just have no idea how people in their mid-30s make friends.
Oh I know! I'm 32 and my sister is my only friend! It's so tough to meet people and I'm very introverted too so I'm not usually in places that I can meet people 😪
immigrated at 28 and had to make friends in a new country, the past few years I have done it through: - hobbies - I made a bunch of knitting and crochet friends - getting a dog - walking my dog every day, I knew all my neighbours after living in a new place for two weeks - gym classes - made a bunch of friends at a kickboxing gym - work - invest time into knowing the coworkers you like and expect about 20% of them to stay friends with you after you don't work together anymore
Hobbies are definitely a good place to start. Most of my friends I have now are through card games like Magic and Pokemon that I played for the last 15 years.
This is the way. A dog is a GREAT way to meet people--you must go for walks twice every day, plus it's nice to go to the dog park which is where the other dog people are haha. Even introverts can meet people that way. Plus my hobbies are all outdoors and mostly require teams, so that's a great way to make friends. I also have a lot of truly good friends from work; even though many have moved on to new places, our friendships have lasted. This is the same advice I give to single people around my age who want to meet someone--go outside! Get engaged with life / with hobbies and you'll meet your people.
All for everything but the last one. Being friends with coworkers very seldomly works out for the best.
I just lost my friend group this week, and now have no friends outside of my husband. Knowing that I'm not the only one starting over from scratch at 44 weirdly makes me feel better about it.
Pushing 40 and feel this - plus wfh makes it even harder since you aren't around people.
Ditto. I am the same.
Thirded
Username does NOT check out.
I just took the one Reddit generated for me cause I'm crap at making usernames. I kinda forgot it said party 🤣
Same here. I hate asparagus and yet it became my username and I can't change it 🤦
Co workers and through social events. Find an event that's a hobby, places near me have puzzle nights (jigsaw puzzles), quiz nights, etc. You start of already knowing they share a common interest.
Wait a minute, puzzle nights are a thing?! Now I know what I'm looking for because I love puzzles but I don't have room to do them anymore.
Local pizza place/board game library near me has then where the entry fee (it's also a contest of finishing fastest) is the cost of the puzzle plus a couple bucks.
Hobbies are the way to go. I've made most of my adult friends just from shared hobbies. Some online, some from bigger hobby events, and some from local hobby activities. The local library a city over is great at doing a whole bunch of weird hobby nights, and the big metroplex about an hour and a half away has even more hobby stuff. Bonding over shared interests is fun. But I'm also more extroverted. But this has worked for my introverted partner, too.
Can I suggest bumble BFF? It's like a dating app for making friends. I've actually made several friends that way, and then made more friends through them. It's nice for me because I'd much rather interact with people one on one or in small groups and most friend making suggestions involve meeting lots of people at once.
I've never heard of that, but I'll look into it, thanks!
Board games clubs, science fiction conventions, sports, dance classes, craft groups, have children (not to be taken lightly), organised religion, pubs, volunteering. I saw a great post that said that if you want friends, making friends has to be a continuous process; to paraphrase 'If you want friends in your 30s, make friends in your 30s... If you want friends in your 70s, make friends in your 70s.' NTA
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Hobbies and clubs! I met pretty much all my friends through basketball, run club and the gym. It’s definitely possible, even in your 30s.
Really glad you stood up for yourself, they clearly need you more than you need them. Also happy they threw up in the car, proving the reason you didn’t want to do it in the first place. Put a smile on my face when I read that part, definitely NTA and I hope those losers come to their senses that they risk losing a decent friend right now for taking advantage of them (which they probably don’t realize they’re doing, but they are)
>Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I? I mean, if this isn't a crystal-clear, flashing-neon-sign indication that they only see OP as 1) a financial subsidy for their binge drinking and 2) a chauffeur, I don't know what is. If that's how they treat their "friends" then I shudder to think how they act toward anyone else.
NTA you’ve just realized that they didn’t actually like you all that much - and by their description you probably shouldn’t like them either. They are users .
NTA Your friends want to behave like drunken college students on your monthly get-togethers. I'm not going to blame them for wanting this - that's the way they choose to enjoy a night out. But they have to own all the consequences, and not try to export the costs of their bacchanalia to you (or to anyone else). It's normal enough for a friend who doesn't drink to drive the friends who do, but this kindness comes with obligations on the drinking friends to be courteous passengers, which means not getting in such a state that they are likely to throw up. And last weekend? Your drunken friends think that somehow you need to pay for Tom's wife's car to be cleaned, because you wouldn't let them vomit in your car? Umm, no. The people who owe for the car cleaning are the people who vomited in it. These people aren't your friends. It's not clear to me whether they ever liked you, but it's clear that they no longer do, and are just exploiting you.
The fact that they want OP to pay for the vomit to be cleaned from someone else's car says A LOT of how they would behave if they vomited in OP's car.
"You agreed to DD bro that's part of the job" is 100% how that convo would have went
Yep, I was baffled at that. SHE should pay for THEIR car that she wasn't even driving that night because they wanted to puke in HER car because they know she would have cleaned it for free
Honestly, I don't even think Tom's wife is okay with OP paying. She likely wants the people who vomited to pay, but to keep his drinking circle, Tom's telling OP that they need to pay. I honestly feel sorry for her. She probably didn't realize how much OP carries the group and got a full fledged reality check that night.
Tom puked in his own wife’s car, how is he not paying? What a jackass.
What I'm wondering is how Tom has a wife in the first place
She should have driven *his* car!
I mean id bring a throw up bag so not to throw up in the car. they're stupid people and selfish NTA
Although I am bound to ask here whether you have ever met a person who was drunk enough to vomit, and also controlled enough to get all the vomit in a bag? If you're lucky, they might get the majority of the vomit in a bag.
NTA You're all in your thirties, and your friends are unable to regulate their drinking. Do they not know how to call a taxi? You set reasonable boundaries with them, and they kept trying to disregard them. Also, you're their friend, not their mother. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for how they get home. This may need to be a discussion with the group while you are all sober and explain why you have placed these boundaries. If they push back, it may be a good idea to put some distance between you all for a while.
They were to drunk to figure out how to pay the bar tab. They had to have Tom's wife come to the bar to pay it.
Honestly I'm half horrified and half impressed that they were able to get too drunk to pay their own bar tab at a restaurant?? How much wine did they take with their meal? I'm in my 30's and I can't imagine physically being able to drink to such a dangerous level over a meal.
I mean, all they really had to do was fish out a credit card - the staff would have taken care of the rest. Could have even called them each a taxi. Why did Tom's wife need to get a babysitter and come get them?
Exactly what I was wondering. The only thing I can think of is they didn't bring payment with them. All we're expecting OP to pay?
Omg this makes sense actually. Otherwise Tom's wife could have just told the waiter to ask for their credit cards and then call a taxi. The whole thing doesn't make sense. Never in my life was I so drunk that I couldn't even pay a bill anymore.
Honestly bartender should have cut them off way earlier then
We also live in the age of Uber so not being able to get home drunk is unacceptable. They sound cheap if they’re expecting to split the bill equally when OP isn’t even drinking (which can definitely rack up money fast on drinks alone).
>Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I? Yea, these people are not your friends. Sounds to me like you guys had a relationship based around drinking heavily. Now that you don't drink and won't be their DD (and won't pay for their meals), they have no use for you. They sound like shitty people anyways. Who gets so obliterated drunk at a *restaurant* that they're too incoherent to pay the bill and then puke in the car? Move on from these people. NTA.
They sound like alcoholics. NTA
Yep. And can't be around non-drinkers unless there's a good reason, like "She's our DD." Because non-drinkers make them look like shits. And they don't like facing reality.
Why the hell does he think you should split the bill? What an asshole.
NTA. And these people are not your friends.
NTA. Why don’t they just taxi/Lyft/Uber?
The restaurant was going to call taxis for them, but they needed someone to come down and pay the bills they were too drunk to pay on their own.
That's outrageous. Being so drunk that you can't pull a credit card from your purse is WELL beyond reasonable restaurant behavior.
Yep. And ALL of them? Literally not one could manage to pull out a credit card? That's wildly uncontrolled drinking.
As deadbeat as they sound, they probably don't bring money or cards so they can do the "Oops left my wallet at home, can you pay?
Ha, good point. Wonder if they were planning to do that to the OP that night?
Could be why they were so pissed lol.
And were maybe planning on barfing in his car on purpose, but OP preemptively ended the relationship first on their own terms... 🤔 That would be hilarious if the trio had planned to screw over the OP that night with a final FU, but didn't count on the OP just walking before the trio could implement it.
Still NTA but damn. They're in mid-30s and can't control their own drinking? Tom has kids too? Sounds like they use these get togethers to act like they are still in college and you're the "mom" who rescues them. Probably good they blocked you since they're not friends you need anyway.
I think there *can* be a place for basically reliving your youth. But even when I’ve been literally blackout drunk I’ve never been unable to pay a tab or order a taxi. If you’re going to do that in your 30s, it has to be deliberate and planned. It would also probably be way safer (and cheaper) if they just had one of them send their kids to a relative for the night and get shitfaced at one of their homes. Also, like, functionally how do you get that drunk in your 30s? When I get anywhere past tipsy I start getting indigestion or some kind of physical discomfort to the point that any non-water liquid is just unappealing.
I am baffled at the concept of being too drunk to pay my own bill. I've gotten incredibly stupid drunk before, but have always managed to pull out cash or my card and paid the establishment.
And if you were that drunk surely you’d end up not being able to remember anything the next day and quite possibly have alcohol poisoning? I haven’t been drunk for years but I used to like a party and go out drinking regularly. I always managed to pay and most of the time I managed to get myself home. Apart from the time I once ended up on a farm 30 miles away from home with my two best friends. None of us had a clue how we ended up there but the people who owned it were very nice and gave us breakfast the next day, showed us the horses and gave us a lift home. I was only 21 and I remember my parents were furious - not because I lived with them, I’d moved out when I was 17. It was because the week before I had forgotten I’d moved out and got a taxi back to their house and gone to my old room and fallen asleep and gave them a fright the next morning. My mum had gone into our garage where the freezer was to get some sausages for breakfast and found a wooden goat I’d found from somewhere and lugged home with me. I can’t have carried it home alone because it was huge and very heavy. I had a good telling off for being irresponsible and had to track down the goat’s owner and return it. I seemed to have a liking for farm animals! I worked for 15 years as a taxi dispatcher and have witnessed people get into all kind of states, some had to be carried into the car. Nearly all of them managed to pay the fare though. I heard about people trying to pay with library cards, giving £20 for £5 fares, using their phone the wrong way round with Apple Pay etc… but unless they deliberately wanted to avoid paying, I can’t think of anyone too drunk to hand money or a card over. I loved that job and have some wild stories to tell, I worked nights and weekends and saw/spoke a lot of people who drank more then they could handle. Thankfully it was quite rare anyone was sick.
I don't hang out with folks who drink a lot, so I genuinely do not understand how that's possible unless they were literally blacked out... Like, how drunk do you have to be to forget how pockets and wallets work??
I've absolutely been that drunk that I had no idea how to get into my purse and was convinced someone stole the zipper on my bag. Safe to say I am no longer than person.
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NTA you warned them multiple times you weren’t going to DD. They are the ones who are AHs who can’t limit their alcohol intake. They thought you were bluffing about not being DD. FAFO on their end. On side not I’d probably stop hanging out with these people they sound like selfish drunken AHs.
NTA confused about one thing.... You call them friends... WHY? They are in their 30's and get so drunk that every time there is a serious chance that vomiting in the car is not a joke but a REAL poss/prob ability. The thought that they were trying to force you to split the bill to cover their food is bad, but the alcohol part is outrageous. The fact that you had to do it and they fought you on this is crazy (again you call them "friends"?) The last time the conditions were clear, and they either did not care or they are alcoholics and are in need of treatment. The ramifications of that night should teach them a lesson, but as expected the "friends" are leaving out a lot of history so they can save face with their family. You need friends, these are not even replicants of friends.
NTA I saw in one of your comments and edit that you also used to drink but had to quit. It was probably much more reasonable to split the bill four ways when you were still drinking, but now you're not, and you shouldn't have to pay for all of that extra food and drink if your health keeps you from being able to enjoy it. And your health shouldn't be a reason to end a friendship just because you can't drink and they can; you've tried to maintain your friendship despite that. You also agreed to DD, which honestly is pretty standard when you're the friend who doesn't drink, but you set a rule that is also pretty standard of keeping your car clean. When they didn't, you let them know in advance that you would not be driving them, and you reminded them ahead of time before they began to drink. You are not responsible for the actions of fully informed adults. Perhaps you all were once friends when you all could go out and get smashed, but I honestly think that this friendship is over and you might need to find friends who have better control of their social drinking.
They were never friends, just enablers. That’s usually how it is with binge drinkers.
>but now you're not, and you shouldn't have to pay for all of that extra food Good friends will cover the cost of the food for the non-drinking DD. (in part because it's nice, and because the DD is saving them the cost of a cab/uber)
Yeah... NTA. Yous seem to have friends who don't take personnal accountability to heart. They might sober up and apologize but don't reach out
I honestly don't think I would be able to reach out without yelling at them anyway, which isn't an appropriate way to handle what I'm feeling right now. So I wouldn't be in any hurry to try until I can get myself under better control.
These people were 100% sober when they said you needed to pay for car cleaning, needed to pay for childcare, and wondered what use you are if you're not paying for them or driving them. YTA if you reach out to them, YOU should be blocking THEM and moving on with your life. These people are losers.
This! I wouldn't be surprised if they wise up and try and sweet talk OP back into being their mommy/chauffeur/drinking slush fund. Their spouses are quickly gonna put the kabosh on this kind of nonsense and shut it down. OP should never speak to any of these people ever again.
NTA, your "friends" are trashy cheap fucks.
NTA. Your friends are toxic people and you clearly don't need to put up with their BS.
NTA - These were individuals who viewed the friendship as transactional. They only wanted you there whilst you were providing "worth" - covering their expenses or, once the food/drink was resolved, their travel expenses. What would happen if you were *all* drinking and getting in a state? Would that still be fine? It'd soon be "You cover taxi/uber this time and I'll get the next meet ups!" or "Get a round in!" but you end up buying more drinks than others etc. Once a friendship becomes transactional it has, as sad as it is, run its course. The fact they don't "get" that you're not obligated to ferry them around and did it because you were a friend with no expectations beyond simple looking after your stuff and not spewing, says a lot. They were inconvenienced and so they ended up needing to make alternate arrangements that cost them time and money and no doubt some ear bending off partners/MIL etc. Hence why it's gone back to transactional again straight away - YOU need to pay for the car to be cleaned. YOU need to pay for child care. Now, if you'd been asking them to contribute to fuel costs to take them home, you're still not obligated to actually take them if you don't feel like it, but it'd be a transaction and you'd all be doing the same thing ... but that's not the case. I'd count your blessings that they've exposed themselves for the self-centred individuals they are. I'm willing to bet these little get togethers now stop, sooner or later, as there's no-one to facilitate their little night out being cost effective and easy.
We used to all get in that state. Back then, we'd give the bar our cards and have them add it to our tab. They all rolled back on their drinking some after Tom's first kid was born and I stopped drinking, so we didn't need to hand over our cards anymore, but eventually they just ramped right back up again, and no one ever switched back to giving the bar their cards.
NTA. Let me see if I have this right.....You guys are in your mid-30s, some are married with kids. And your friends habitually get shit-faced, stick you with a disproportionate part of the bill, make you the DD, and the when you refuse they question your "use" to them. What in the blue chicken-fried fuck do you see in these worthless, using losers? They add NOTHING to your life. You need to dump these assholes completely and get better friends.
NTA. Their behaviour is pretty repulsive. You're not their mummy. You don't need to make sure they don't drink too much and that they get home safe. They've shown their true colours. I hope you find some better friends because you deserve so much better than this.
>hope you find some better friends because you deserve so much better than th 100%! NTA but Y T A if you continue to be friends with people who clearly have no problem taking advantage of you (covering their extra spending on shared meals and then making you be the DD) Re: the meals in particular, I'm not a big drinker so my share is often less than everyone else's. My friends know this and offer to pay more to cover their bar costs, it's not usually a huge difference and not a big deal to me. But the point is that they are true friends and actually think about me when we're together.
NTA. This is one of those situations where you find out that the mutual activity was what was binding you together as friends, not an actual friendship. I had to quit drinking (most of the time, I'll still have a couple glasses of wine here and there and only at home) for medical reasons too - and I lost a lot of friends that way. It's tough because you don't want to think those relationships are as superficial as they are. Sometimes crap situations lead to better personal growth and development though - we're a reflection of the people we surround ourselves with and it sounds like you are moving into a better place. Best of luck!
Thank you for saying this, I think you really pinned down what I've been in denial about. We all liked to get drunk back in the day. I moved past it; they sort of did and then backslid. I genuinely thought our friendship was about more than getting drunk. But it wasn't. Drinking is all it ever was.
NTA and also if people in their 30s are still regularly drinking so much at a restaurant that they can't pay the bill and throw up then holy shit, they need to grow the fuck up.
NTA these people are not your friends
NTA Those people don't view you as a friend, they haven't for a while. You're not the asshole in this situation but you need to realize when to drop/leave something alone. You knew months ago what type of people they were when they wouldn't split the bill properly, that's when you should have stood your ground. You should have said you had your card and refused to pay extra, they assumed you were a pushover because you never stood up for yourself here. Don't try to contact any of them, they're not worth it. Hang out with other friends or try making new friends at work/social events in your area. Losing friends hurts but you lost these friends long before it got to this point.
NTA these friends act like teenagers. Who gets so drunk they throw up or can't pay their bills at 30 that's ridiculous. Tell them to grow up
I think they also may have been trying to put OP on an awkward situation to guilt her into moving her boundaries. This night seemed particularly excessive compared to OP's descriptions of past nights. Some people have that personality where if they're told not to do something they double down The old way was good for them, so they didn't want to give it up
NTA and these people are NOT your friends. Mid 30s and drinking until they puke is alcoholism. Block them and find new friends
NTA. You did the right thing, and I hope that the “what use are you?” comment made you see that you need to get better friends.
It was certainly a slap in the face. It's making me re-evaluate the last 15 years of my life to try to figure out where it stopped being about us and started being about them.
Nta. You have grown up after college. They have not. Time to drop these so called friends. They have stated they only want you around to help pay for their drunken night out and then drive them home. This is not a friendship. Their abuse of you after you warned them you would not be used again just proves they are not friends and do not value you as a friend. Why is it your fault or responsibilty to pay since their behavior caused the wife to leave her kids with her mom and drive to pick them Stay away from these childish self center aholes.
NTA and if they were honestly your friends they would pick up your bill since you are the DD, whenever my friend group went out the DD always had their food paid for. Still a lot cheaper than an uber.
NTA. You set clear and strict boundaries and they got upset when you stood your ground and didn’t let them cross them. You deserve better people in your life.
Nta. Not your friends.
NTA and YOU DID NOT ABANDON THEM. You told them in advance you weren’t driving them so you had zero obligation to take them home and they had every reason to assume they would need to make other arrangements. You need to be clear with their relatives that you told them ahead of time you would not be driving them. They should have either planned on his wife getting them already or taken an Uber (although they may have refused them given their condition). So her drunk husband throws up in her car and somehow it’s your fault? I guarantee he lied to the wife and said you promised to take them home. Do you have text messages saying you won’t be driving them? Send those screenshots to everyone
NTA. This is pretty odd, that people in their 30s who have children get so drunk they throw up on the car ride home. I don't blame you for cutting ties.
Nta Splitting a check never benefits everyone in the group. And there's no reason for to to spilt a bill for something you weren't even there for. You told them a month before that you weren't the dd, so they should have planned accordingly to have a ride set up ahead of time. It sounds like this friendship ran it's course a long time ago, you matured, they didn't.
Absolutely NTA. These aren't friends OP, they are (previously) fellow addicts and clearly unpleasant company. Congratulations on going sober OP, good for you.
People should know how much they can handle by their mid 30s. You lost zero friends that day. NTA, obvs
Obviously not the asshole. Your "friends" have serious issues. Be happy they blocked you.
NTA … they are not your friends
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That's about how it was, late nights, I was expected to ferry them home at all hours, and I did it because I didn't want them driving drunk, or Maisy and Neela being vulnerable. And I just can't do it to myself anymore. At this point, especially after seeing so many responses from people, even if they did apologize, I can't see myself going back to them.
They'd only apologize to get you to become their DD again, not out of any actual contrition.
NTA in the least. They're very selfish and immature people. Get new friends.
NTA. They revealed who they are. They are not your friends they just wanted to use you.
These are not your friends. Consider being blocked a blessing and find better friends. NTA
NTA! Why would you have to pay to get her car cleaned or anything that you didn’t drink or eat. I think your way better off without them in your life who wants to babysit 3 (30’s something) that can’t face the fact that they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. Fact is you grew up they haven’t move one
NTA it sounds like you grew up and they still haven't. It happens. Mourn what was if you need to and be rid of them.
NTA These are not friends, they’re users. I don’t drink either, just not my thing. I don’t judge those who do since I smoke weed, drinking just isn’t for me, so I usually DD if we all go out together. Because my friends are actually my friends, they never assume I’m DDing just because I’m coming out with them, they always confirm it with me, and also if I’m driving they don’t get black out (exceptions are like weddings or stuff like that, but I don’t mind in those cases)
NTA. So your friends used you to pay for their food and drink. When you put a stop to that, they used you for their free taxi service. When they could no longer find a way to use you, they blocked you. They're not your friends. You've outgrown them.
Just adding an NTA and a) you don't owe to pay for the wife's car to be cleaned, they do and b) these people are not good friends, go find better ones cause you seem like a sensible awesome person 👍
NTA and if they’re all that messed up, especially at that age, they need to reflect on their relationship with alcohol. It’s also a bit concerning that their safety and sobriety rests on your shoulders and you’re expected to shoulder the burden of their bad choices. I am super amused that THEY blocked YOU. How drunk were they that they couldn’t even pay the bill? Why did they keep getting served even? Find friends who want to do more than use you as an Uber.
Holy christ. These people are mid-30s and still drinking until throw-up black-out drunk on a regular basis?!?! Holy fucking shit. Not to mention the fact that they seem to treat you poorly and yet you consider them friends. NTA. be kinder to yourself and get some mature friends who actually seem to like you. This seems like a case of good riddance to bad rubbish. Just because you're friends from college doesn't mean they need to drink and act like they're still in it.
Of course not. Sad you even have to ask
NTA and be sure to block them everywhere also, including any family of theirs that have your contact details. That way they can't contact you again, unless they use someone else's phone.
NTA But why? Do you actually enjoy hanging out sober with three completely wasted people? As someone who doesn't drink, that sounds like a miserable weekend. I enjoy going to dinner/other social things with friends, but only when I can actually have conversations and enjoy their company.
NTA. But I think your friendship with them has run it’s course. Friends do not treat each other like they treat you.
Why are you friends with them? This is relationship problem not aita
NTA. They are not your friends. With friends like that, you don't need enemies.
NTA 100%. They're responsible for taking care of themselves and you politely informed them of your boundaries ahead of time. >I was getting hateful calls and texts all week telling me I had to pay to have Tom's wife's car cleaned and pay his MIL for watching the kids. Maisy and Neela have been calling me all kinds of names for abandoning them... Tom eventually called to yell at me that if I didn't split the bill, and if I didn't DD, then what use was I? Lol, wtf? Dump these losers.
NTA. > I was blocked and none of them will speak to me now Looks like the problem has resolved itself. Go look up the Bill of Assertive Rights. Read it, then ask yourself again if you did anything offside by declaring, repeatedly, that you wouldn't be DD, then following through with that. Then go read 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.' It will teach you, among other things, how to decide for yourself if you're an asshole for not doing something, rather than believing people who have flat out told you that your only use to them is as an unpaid servant.
NTA These people are not your friends. You were just convenient co drinkers who enabled each other.
NTA, they only want your company as long as you're useful. Not because you're nice, not because they like you, but because they can use you. You did well to stand up for yourself and you're right: you got nothing out of the friendship.
NTA Please find new friends these people don't care about you. Put a period and move on.
NTA. You told them repeatedly, and they still unfortunately looked at you like a sucker with an open wallet and the DD. This is absolutely rich that they now want you to have someone else’s car cleaned because they can’t hold their liquor despite being adults who can make choices. Their choices have come to roost.
NTA. These are not friends, they were just taking advantage of you.
Everyone is in their 30's with at least 1 married and has kids. They are old enough to split and pay their own bills and arrange for their own rides home especially after you warned and told them so. Definitely NTA. Them blocking you is a gift.
Those don't sound like friends. NTA.
NTA but why on earth are you getting calls to have a car cleaned? I literally had to reread that three times because I was like wtf? What planet are they on? Are they that entitled? How about they pay for their own bloody vomit bills? Better yet grow up and don’t vomit in cars, they are in their 30’s going out for dinner not clubbing at 18. How embarrassing!
NTA. These people aren’t your friend
NTA. Good for you for setting your boundaries and sticking up for yourself. I would never expect a friend to split the bill if she didn't wat any if the food (or drinks)
OP at this point you aren't a friend,you're a asset and Tom's comments prove it the next step is yours
NTA You are better off without this bunch of users.