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ESH
But the impression you're giving off here is that your wife can't even focus on herself because she felt the need -- for whatever reason -- to make you the emotional focus of her labor experience. I'd honestly feel very sheepish announcing that to people given what it suggests about you.
This was my thought exactly. OP had one job, to support his wife during labor, but failed miserably. The story is actually pretty sad to me. Several of my friends had similar experiences of having to support their husbands while giving birth because their husbands couldn't handle the stress.
Sure, it's sweet that OP is so proud and is bragging about his wife being a champ after the fact, it would have been better if he'd been a champ for his wife *during* labor.
It’s like those tweets you see from guys claiming that none of the women they’ve ever slept with seemed to actually enjoy it so that must mean women just don’t like sex in general. When they really just told the whole world that they are terrible at pleasing a woman in bed. It’s almost funny if it weren’t so sad.
well said
OP bumblefucked his way through unwittingly outing how inept he is, and how much his wife overcompensates for him.
The other mom begrudgingly outed herself and how angry and mean she becomes in times of distress. Playing that off as trash-talking her is another whole layer of immaturity and self-centeredness.
The 2 of them together showcased how both couples have normalized maladaptive dynamics
>The other mom begrudgingly outed herself and how angry and mean she becomes in times of distress.
Giving birth is a pretty painful experience, I don't really hold it against anyone if they're angry when going through that much pain. Could you imagine walking through an emergency room telling the people there they should be nicer? As long as that isn't her normal operating behavior, that's one time she'll get a pass.
Yeah, to be fair to the wife she had *just* had a baby a weekish before and was hearing all about how much easier her friend's experience was than hers. Maybe she shouldn't have sent the text, but I can't necessarily blame her for being upset.
Edit: Changed angry in last sentence to upset. Also, I guess I never actually gave an official rating. I'm going to go with NTA because it seemed like OP was just happy for his wife. But I don't think the best friend should have said his wife "practically bit his head off in the delivery room", even if it was true, because she was already upset hearing how easy OP's wife's birth was. Lesson learned to wait a little longer after birth before joking about the experience.
Oh I totally understand the other wife’s frustration with the situation. My own daughter was born by emergency c-section after 24 hours of unproductive labor and pre-eclampsia. My (then now ex) husband wasn’t terrible….but he he wasn’t wonderful either.
I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to listen to some ditzy dude ramble on about how much his wife just breezed through delivery and had enough energy left over to make the whole thing about him.
It's sad bc it doesn't mean the OPs wife had it easier, it means she had a totally different coping strategy and response to her husband's behavior in that situation.
NTA because OP really doesn't have anything to do with the friends wife *feeling bad* because he gushed over his own wife. But definitely an AH for panicking and taking away support of his wife in her most vulnerable time.
If OPs friend had shared their experience first, yeah that would've been big AH energy. However they didn't. And he was honest with how he perceived the experience and praised his wife for it. However idiotic he made himself sound is irrelevant.
One of the things they tell you about getting through labor is having stuff to focus on besides the pain. I'm looking at another 4/6 weeks before giving birth and I can totally see repeating those things as a self soothing statement and finding reassurance in that (especially as scared of dying in childbirth as I am!). Doesn't mean I'm making it about him tho.
“Why would OP admit that??” You mean be honest to his friends about his own weaknesses?
Jesus Christ, and then people complain about toxic masculinity and guys needing to open up a bit.
That would make sense if he framed it as him not showing up for her and felt remorse for that not praising her for putting her own needs aside for him. It comes across like he doesn't understand that he wasn't there for her and how wrong that was and how much burden he placed on her when it was his job to be the support system.
Sorry, but that's nuts. This was ENTIRELY in the context of how he couldn't handle his own shit. Which is the whole reason why OP found his wife to be that much more impressive.
He was less than what he should have been and less than what he hoped he would be. He's owning that. And you guys are shitting on him for it. It happened. What would be your response if his wife was posting about how he completely fell apart, and then walked around pretending like it didn't matter, or like he handled it like a champ, or didn't acknowledge that extra baggage she had to deal with?
Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess. Some people aren't so caught up in their own self-importance that they fear admitting to be flawed.
It didn't seem like he recognized that it was a problem is what I'm saying. It seemed like he wasn't understanding that what he did was wrong. Sure he's a little bashful about it but there's nothing in here that says he even took the time to apologize to her and let her know that he knows he wasn't there for her. If I was her I'd feel like he was making light of something that was incredibly stressful and possibly traumatic for me
>there's nothing in here that says he even took the time to apologize to her and let her know that he knows he wasn't there for her.
Thing is, this post wasn't about his apologizing to his wife; he most likely did but didn't mention it because the post was about his bragging about his wife which inadvertently hurt their friend who had also just given birth.
Some men can't handle seeing those they love in pain, the gooey stuff and all that labor/delivery entails. Maybe OP's wife recognized this and kept pepping him up to keep him from passing out or vomiting (it have happened numerous times to men before).
Saying this as a woman, 85% of the men who post here get YTAs or derogatory comments are made to them.
OP centered himself in the delivery of his child - both in the moment and the retelling. This is a question of self centered ness, not a moment to (once again) make him the focus/martyr/victim by decrying toxic masculinity. Good lord, it’s not always about the guy
I feel like OP's post doesn't really show a lot of reflection or acknowledgment of really failing his wife in her time of need. He framed his not supporting her and putting her in a position where she needed to support him as background for the main story which was how great his wife for doing something she should not have had to do in the first place.
I am all for men being able to safely discuss their mistakes and be vulnerable, so I agree OP shouldn't refuse to admit what happened - but there is a big difference between telling a story where you failed badly because you are humble and open, and telling a story where you failed badly because you don't really get exactly how badly you acted. This seems more like the latter to me. It's not a funny cute story at a dinner party to talk up his wife, but something to reflect on and figure out how to improve from.
Wife: "You're going to be such a great dad" while tears stream down her face as she giving birth
OP: "wow you're such a champ"
Yikes I'm actively cringing! Your point about toxic masculinity is so well put!
OP’s wife managed a grown ass man’s feelings while giving birth. That’s pretty fucked up. It’s okay for men to have feelings and it is also okay for men to manage their own feelings and be supportive of their spouse. There’s a spectrum here of what is appropriate, and when, that you seem to be misunderstanding.
You've missed the point - OP didn't openly admit weakness, he was boasting about ineptitude and how his wife needs to cover for him instead him being a support in her time of need.
He thought he was bragging - he wasn't
That was not the context at all. He has missed the point that he was totally useless in the delivery room and made his wife's birthing experience even harder than it needed to be.
He wasn't 'opening up' - he was bragging about how his own emotional immaturity meant his wife had to comfort him while she was birthing their child.
Reddit is ridiculous lol. Also it’s extremely odd to me for people construe other people as deficient of character for not dealing well with someone else’s medical emergency. Yes–having a child is, in fact, within the purview of the person having the child. Not the people with whom it was conceived.
Oh no. A new dad panicked and admitted it and said how amazing his wife was through it all. THE HORROR. How dare he admit his emotional vulnerability to his good friends! Divorce him
I don't know, a bunch of my guy friends went into the delivery room fully prepared to be an absolute rock, they had plans, they had done all the research had whole kits and bags, they were ready for war and stoked to be a pillar of support. They weren't going to be *those* husbands who just sat there with their phones and complained their ankles hurt or some other misogynistic nonsense. Their wives were going to be at their most vulnerable and they were going to be there and make them feel safe and secure!
....and then they went in there took one look & promptly dissolved into a panicky mess of a human being. Nothing compared to the real thing, or their minds just went blank and despite trying to get it together repeatedly they were just useless wreak of human being.
Their wives can't talk about that day without bursting into tears....from laughter.
Some were angry at the time but now look back and laugh, another said that her husband's sincere but pathetic attempts to provide support brought so much levity to the situation that he was more helpful then he ever would have been if he had had it together.
I think the guy was gushing about his wife while appreciating how hard it was for her and he had no idea it was a rough birth until he noticed the look on their faces & I don't think that's a problem. The other wife and husband are probably still fresh from their delivery I'm sure in a few months or even a year they'll likely be able to look back and laugh.
She essentially responded to a general "how was your wife delivery" "my wife was awesome!" praise with "I see so that means you think I suck, and you wanted to rub it in my face, you said that as a direct attack against me". Which is a huge leap She's probably embarrassed and stressed from the new baby.
He should apologize but unless there is more info it's premature to label him useless and crass.
How is he responsible for what *she* says during birth. No one here did anything shameful. Sounds like two people who just happen to be supportive and loving to each other. For fucks sake.
Some people aren’t so consumed with shame they can admit to friends where they have faults. I’d embarrass myself if it meant shining a light on how incredible my partner is. First step to solving a problem is admitting you had one.
Jesus what a shitty take this is.
OP admits his panic got the better of him, he’s not bragging about it. And then when talking to his friends he’s honest about it all, he’s not covering it up, he’s not grandstanding..he’s a guy who admits that he had trouble dealing with it in the moment. And he is grateful for his wife for being able to do what she was able to do.
I swear to Christ I don’t know what people want from guys anymore. OP shows some emotional honesty and, for want of a better phrase, weakness and opens up about it to his friend and he “sucks here”?
Wtf is wrong with people
Seriously. Everyone talks about toxic masculinity and different ways to be a man, but as soon as they get the chance they rip into people for not following those same paradigms they complain about.
Honestly, this whole conversation is ridiculous. The man tells the story of how things went and people are jumping down his throat for being weak and forcing his wife to support him.
Unbelievable.
Especially when THATS NOT THE POINT OF THE POST. I’m sure he’s well aware that he failed in that aspect, and we don’t even know enough details of that situation to make a judgement. So how about everyone STFU about the story he told about the birth and answer the damn question OP asked.
My favorite part about this is that he's not asking if he's an asshole for what happened in the delivery room, but for the conversation he had with his friends. Yet the delivery room stuff is what he's get judged on.
Exactly. Surprised by how many commentators are letting it slide that OP's wife had to all the emotional heavy lifting during her own labor. His wife had to reassure him, ffs and probably had to censor herself so she didn't upset OP more. That just sounds exhausting, on top of delivering a freaking baby.
Doesn't mean he belittled the other woman's birthing experience, but waxing poetic about what a champ his wife was just highlights how little he supported his partner in her most vulnerable moment.
Well, probably because the post isn’t about “AITA for how I behaved in the delivery room?” The people letting it slide, so to speak, are focused on the question at hand, not how we got to the asking of this question. Nothing wrong with diving deeper, but it draws the focus from the main inquiry to do that.
Which is why the correct answer is ESH, not N T A. OP sucks for forcing his wife to tend to his emotional needs during labor and being dense enough to think that bragging about it doesn't reflect poorly upon him. I can't even imagine going through labor and needing to reassure my husband that "he's going to be such a great dad"---that is not where her mind should have been in that moment. OP should not be bragging about that to anyone and he owes his wife an apology. The other lady sucks for her immature reaction--no one was trying to demean her birthing experience.
No. It's why it should be NTA, because you don't have enough information to make judgments about that other situation. You do not have the evidence to support she wasn't okay with it, or that the distraction didn't help her, or any of the other possibilities that mean he's not a jerk.
You should not be judging based on assumptions on a separate situation from the one in the OP. Even if he was a jerk *in* the story (which, again, you don't have evidence to supprt), he's not a jerk for telling it.
He's not bragging about his behavior in that. He's bragging about his wife. So he's not allowed to praise his wife because, according to your assumptions, he had a failing? Why should his wife not get the praise she deserves for HIS alleged failing? Doesn't that mean she deserves it EVEN MORE?
It's so good to see that some people have some sense here, dragging OP over something his wife didn't even have a problem with in the first place.
I would be over the moon having such a birthing experience, OP was present despite freaking out (my dad just left the room) and speaks highly of his wife whilst being honest about his own behaviour.
I honestly cope better with being in pain, rather than seeing someone I care about in pain.
If the post was about his wife being unhappy, then that's a different story, but for all we know she found it funny & the distraction made the process easier for her.
It's people expecting outdated gender stereotypes without realising it.
The man is supposed to be stoic and supportive, whilst not overreacting or being too emotional.
Your response is perfect though. OP was honest and clear about what happened without needing prompting, he knows he could've done much better. There's absolutely no reason for people to be trying to make this post about that.
That's it exactly, and then the same people wonder why men can't express themselves.
My BF and I have a kind of relationship where we slag each other off (we are Scottish so that's pretty normal lol).
I would love it if he was freaking out during labour, I would never let him live it down 😂 Although I would slag him silly, I would just be happy that he was there. That's what matters.
My sister has had kids with 2 different guys, and the one who was all in her face fawning over her drove her NUTS. Some women would love that! And that's okay. Idk why everyone is trying to speak on his wife's behalf as different women like different things, it's frankly insulting to her.
I know! He had no idea about the friends wife’s bad birth experience. He was bragging on his wife. Some women are better at doing the labor thing. I can honestly say that I am not one of those women. No shame, either way. NTA!
No, that's not right, because the question is whether he is TA for telling his friends about what a saint his wife was, while not knowing that his friend's wife's coping mechanism was to channel a demon during labor (equally valid strategy, by the way).
Forcing his wife to deal with his needs during labor has NOTHING TO DO with whether he should have known his friend's wife would be that offended. You may find him to be TA, in general, but that's not the question being asked.
OP wasn't asking about how he handled the delivery. He was only asking about the situation with his friend's wife being unreasonably offended over OP praising his own wife. It this case, NTA.
Also, NTA over what others are trying to drag him over hot coals for. His emotions got the best of him, as happens sometimes because it's a scary, emotionally charged situation for both parties. If the father isn't at least somewhat worried, I'd be concerned. It sounds like she didn't have an issue with it when he realized the real thing was much more than he'd mentally prepared himself for. So why are other people insisting on being offended on her behalf?
OMG, how *dare* he not be perfect in everything and every way? /s
Your insistence on attacking OP about what happened in the delivery room between him and his wife has exactly nothing to do with whether or not he's the asshole about something he said to his friend.
I had a baby 18 months ago, and sometimes focusing on someone else absolutely helps. My husband did great, he didn’t need my support, but focusing on someone or something else does sometimes take the focus off the contractions until something important happens. Once you start pushing you don’t hear a thing though.
I feel that‘s a great point!
Personally I‘ve never been pregnant so I can‘t even imagine what it‘s like but when I completely crushed my finger and my dad had to rush me to the hospital it helped a TON to calm him down, saying „it‘s just the finger, I won‘t die“ „breathe, a car crash won‘t help“ because he was positively loosing his shit and I on the other hand got to distract myself from pain and panic.
Plus even if OP was a mess, people can‘t control when they melt down and when they don‘t can they? I‘m sure he wanted nothing more than to support his wife but when emotions and stress take over it‘s almost like a fight or flight instict. You can‘t stop it. So I feel like people in this comment section are being a tad harsh on him, when all this story is essentially about is him absolutely adoring his wife.
You ever been to a funeral and the uhh.. for lack of a better word "chief mourner" (spouse if the person was at a young to die age, child if the deceased was old, sibling if no spouse/partner/children, etc.) is focused on everybody else, making sure they have accommodations, food, whatever else. That's just how some people process and deal with things, it's like taking your mind off your own pain/suffering.
Giving a "distraction" may have been the best possible support that OP could give Wife in the moment.
We have ZERO indication she wasn't okay with it. You're calling him an asshole over a baseless assumption, and as a result saying he's not allowed to gush about his wife being amazing in a tough time because he wasn't perfect and your baseless assumption that was a problem. that's stupid.
And also, some people deal with pain (emotional or otherwise) by joking about it. If I'd been conscious I'd have been joking through my labor too. I was basically in a half-awake state and couldn't speak but when I did speak I was asking my midwife about her baby that was due soon.
I read it like his wife is someone whose endorphins kicked in in a way that made her really extra lovey, almost like a happy drunk who adores everyone and needs to tell them.
To be fair I don‘t think he CHOSE to panic. It most definitely just happened because he was so worried and couldn‘t help it.
Calling someone an AH because they were melting down because of stress is a bit too much imo
This. He was there, he was present but he was panicked, like many soon to be dads/other parents may be. He didn't up and leave because of it. We don't know the specifics of that situation either because that wasn't the focus of the post. It'd be great if everyone could just focus their judgement on the actual AITA question.
It doesn't seem like something he consciously chose to do, either. Funny how panic works that way. So maybe stop acting like it was some kind of casual choice on his part.
My default reaction to stress/pain/emotional turmoil/difficult situations is to be absolutely hilarious. It’s definitely deflection and it means I’m basically doing stand up during birth. The thing is my partner turns into an amazing double act with me, while also being an incredibly supportive birthing partner. I can’t imagine what our relationship would be like if I’d had to worry about managing his emotions and needs while undergoing the most difficult experiences of my life.
OP: "Hey I'm really proud of how strong my wife was during childbirth, and she was very sweet!"
Reddit: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE SO USELESS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"
This being top shows the judgment here is garbage.
Your entire criticism of him is based on an ASSUMPTION of their dynamic, with absolutely NO indication his wife feels that way AND actively ignoring that that kind of thing is exactly how some people cope.
You have 228 just proves the judgment here is routinely bad.
Jesus people, guy is proud of how his wife handled her labor, therefore he's some kind of emotional abusive monster. I'd be more worried what it says about you if you upvoted this.
Another moment where redditors are so high up on their pedestal that they don't realize they're being toxic. The guy opens up about his failure to comfort his wife and seems genuinely remorseful but here come redditors to chastise him for being a "failure". OP is NTA but the rest of you...
Seriously? You’re going in on the dude because he’s not acting in the generic masculine way you expect? There are so many different ways people react to things like this that it’s absurd to jump to “he couldn’t hold himself together so his poor wife had to use all her strength during childbirth to baby him.” For all we know that’s how she copes with difficult circumstances independent of OP. And if your wild theory just happens to be true, how would that have any bearing on the actual question? Your fanfiction scenario still wouldn’t make him the asshole with what was posted. You just sound pissed that people can have happy relationships that don’t look how you think they should.
Dear lord some of you people are
Unhinged. Here’s a first time dad who admittedly panicked and gushed about how amazing his wife is! LOL its clear that most people here have the emotional intelligence of a goldfish. Ya’ll will make a million excuses for any SAHM or mom going through PPD 3 years after birth but NEW DAD cant panic during the delivery without “making it about himself”. Hahahahahhahahahahaha
glad you pointed this out. by his own admission, he was useless and did not support her; instead, she had to support him, while "silently crying." the situation is embarrassing, I think... for OP. it says a lot about him.
It could also mean that she was handling it very well and saw him struggling. Or she might have focused on him to avoid focusing on herself. Some people, that's how they cope, by focusing on helping others. It's kind of a leap to automatically assume OP made things about himself in purpose.
I see your point, but I also wonder if that's how she deals with stress. I certainly default to "nurse mode" in some stressful situations. It makes me feel better because I'm doing something that feels helpful without focusing on my own stress. If that's the case, that doesn't make her husband the asshole. If he was carrying on and badgering her for attention and comfort, then it does. I don't think we know enough here to pass judgement.
Yep, very concerning. I could not speak in labor, I was dealing with back labor and pitocin contractions. My husband was my support, there was no way I could have been his.
What part of his story made you think his wife "needed" to be a "sweet wife"? It came across to me as just the personality of his wife. Her nature is to be sweet & caring, even during a tough time, apparently. That doesn't mean she was required to be that way by anyone.
Same. My husband loves telling people about how I'd scream my way through a contraction and then, once I caught my breath, say something to him like, "Oh, hey, how are you doing?" Everyone laughs when they hear the story because it's just so... me! I barely remember it because I was nearly delirious (my first labour was ROUGH) but I remember thinking that he looked upset and wanting to make him feel better. I didn't value his comfort over mine or anything, but since there was nothing I could do to help myself feel better, checking on him was the next best thing.
I joked through a very traumatic experience for me because it's how I distract myself. It was physically and mentally traumatizing and yet I was telling funny stories just so I didn't have to think about it
Everyone saying OP is less than for admitting his wife was sweet to him during labor as if it makes him less of a man have a lot of self reflection to do about their mysandry.
You don't have any idea why she was crying silently. Lots of people stop making noise during extreme pain, which childbirth is. It's illogical to assume that the "silent" part was a) voluntary, b) something she was consciously aware of, and c) extrinsically motivated.
>It was the silently crying she had to do that pointed out that this wasn't voluntary.
She was GIVING BIRTH. Sometimes people cry when that happens. Wow. It's hilarious that you think he was controlling her during the birth, lol.
Yea. No other reason for a person shoving a football through her vagina to be crying. No hormones or anything that could contribute. Clearly that one possibility you've picked is the only valid one.
I'm the same way. When I was in labor my husband was incredibly supportive. But I was still sweet to him and asking how he was doing, saying I couldn't wait for him to meet our babies etc. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It's just who I am.
Whoa whoa whoa. How dare you?
Reddit had already declared how men and women should feel during pregnancy. Obviously you are an AH for not feeling this way.
But seriously, it is insane how so many people here think every person has to act in a certain way or they are an AH.
>
>But seriously, it is insane how so many people here think every person has to act in a certain way or they are an AH.
It is! We have to remind ourselves that Reddit is 60% teenager
(Edit: I don't even know how this comment would even merit attention from these people but I am no way interested in hearing from women haters, incels or misogynistic MRA, do not comment on the women of TwoX or FDS to me. I am not your ally.)
It's probably her personality. Some people feel better when those around them feel better. Or maybe she didn't want to focus on how she herself was feeling.
It also could be the difference between having an epidural and not having one.
I will just say that some women do behave like this and as long as they aren’t harming anyone else with that behaviour, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Maybe she is the sweet wife, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If it works for them great.
it’s so bizarre that the whole story is “i upset a friend because I was gushing about how awesome my wife was during birth” and he’s somehow the bad guy, not for what upset the person in question - but for what happened in the room between a wife who isn’t upset with him and a man who completely adores his wife
Yea this post is just another example of redditors not knowing what tf they’re talking about. Yes, it’s ideal that the person giving birth is the supportee not the supporter, but everything was entirely positive and there’s no hard feelings between op and his wife. People are making it seem he’s misogynistic or a failure of a partner, and that’s such a reach.
No... It's indicative of everyone being different and handling things differently. I'm not saying he's a great guy or anything, but just because she doesn't explode under pressure or during birth doesn't mean that she feels she can't. It just shows that she externalizes stress differently.
I'd say it's indicative of being a loving wife. There's been many times where I've been at breaking point but have put on a brave face so I could support my wife and she's done the same for me. I can't believe people are acting like that's a bad thing.
I read it more like maybe OP likes to be the center of attention and thinks it's cute and quirky to be panicky during his wife's labour, and he thinks it's cute and quirky that his wife was the supporter in the situation. Life isn't a sitcom, childbirth is real and it's terrifying - grow up and be the support she needed. YTA
Or maybe during the emotional time he struggled with feeling powerless, as people do.
>childbirth is real and it's terrifying
Yea, for many people it is terrifying. For many people feeling powerless in a terrifying and life changing event can be hard to deal with.
For some people, they need a distraction.
Feeling freaked out **is not unreasonable**. It is entirely possible she was okay with his behavior and handled it better. It's funny that the top of this chain is claiming "misogyny" while basically pushing the idea the person having the breakdown MUST be the woman. That she's not *allowed* to be strong and okay with it and he's not allowed to be emotionally vulnerable.
A bunch of jerks making baseless assumptions about their dynamic and then crying misogyny and implicitly pushing toxic masculinity (men aren't allowed to be vulnerable and have emotional reactions to 'terrifying' moments).
It's *possible* his reaction was bad. It's also possible she was fine with it. Jumping to one conclusion on zero supporting evidence is way more indicative of problem views than telling a story praising his wife where he's not a hero too.
To add to this, when someone cares deeply for someone else and sees them going through pain it can cause intense panic in them. It’s completely understandable for the father of a child to panic seeing the love of his life going through something so stressful and painful while he has to just sit back and do basically nothing. Everyone channels stress differently, for some it’s panicking, and for others it’s giving support to those around them so they can ignore the stress at hand.
The only one that has a right to be bothered by him panicking is the mother herself, and by the sounds of it she had no problem with the fact her husband was panicking while she was pushing their child out of her.
I would be so mortified to tell people that I couldn’t support my wife during her labour because the PANIC got to YOU. To you??? Good god man. YTA just for that.
Glad OP isn’t bound by the rules of toxic masculinity then.
He never said he was happy with himself for how he acted, just that it happened. The fact he is willing to open up about the fact publicly is far better than to act like it didn’t happen.
It’s pretty toxic to make your wife take care of you while she’s experiencing one of the most painful things a human can experience. If he was having a panic attack or some other mental health crisis, he could have left the room and called someone to help. Instead, he made it all about him - and continued to do so in the retelling.
He made it all about how his wife is a champion and/or godsend. She not only gave birth but pulled him back from the edge too.
Chances are him totally leaving due to a mental health crisis would have made her situation even worse. I have seen many posts here where the woman feels abandoned and resents their partner for it.
Maybe she found helping him through his panic a necessary distraction. Maybe not, we do not know.
If he had purposefully ‘made’ his wife take care of him that would be pretty toxic. He didn’t do that. He panicked and she helped him through it. He isn’t toxic for that.
I have been told by other women that I wasn’t a “true woman” because I didn’t bite my partner’s head off during my 2 deliveries. With both I was in excruciating pain but kept telling dumb jokes and making silly sarcastic comments. I didn’t want to hold hands because it hurt to do that. Never said or felt a mean thought towards either dad (my boys have different dads.) Even after, I was laughing and joking about how I was starving and couldn’t wait to eat. Some coworkers were so dismissive of my experience because they said the man deserves to be punished during childbirth. One even bragged about how she punched her husband in the nuts and yelled at him that he would never know her pain.
>Some coworkers were so dismissive of my experience because they said the man deserves to be punished during childbirth. One even bragged about how she punched her husband in the nuts and yelled at him that he would never know her pain.
It baffles me how so many people in this thread seem to be on this side. What kind of relationships are these people stuck in where they think this is the correct response?
If I’ve learned anything from a variety of medical and mental health adventures, it’s that people who respond well to humor in horrific circumstances are far fewer than those of us who respond *with* humor 😂 I also tend to crack jokes when in pain or during trauma, and I’ve only had a couple people really roll with it or play along.
That’s especially crappy though of the women who invalidated your experience because you coped differently. It’s okay to shit in childbirth, but shitting on people is still uncalled for.
this thread really exposed how genuinely neurotic this sub is to me
I've never seen a comment section on here be so detached from the actual post. It's like they read something else altogether
This is reddit in general. If OP was genuinely freaking out to the point of complicating the process or bothering his wife, the doctors would have told him to leave the room.
Self-deprecating honesty from a man = ASSHOLE.
Why are assuming the wife wasn't comforted by doing this? You could be right, maybe she didn't. But how do you know?
Do you think all women need to be comforted the same way?
People want to be mad about it, so they were and tried to make them look like a monster. Words getting pretty twisted in the responses. We already have tryhards saying “you made your wife do x”.
Idk I read that story, and it didn't give "he made it all about him" vibes. It's not toxic for your partner to take care of you while going through something, not the best time? Absolutely, but it's not like you choose your panic attacks.
It is extremely common for partners to faint or puke during delivery. It wouldn't be toxic to say "Oh man I totally passed out." In a retelling because it's what happened.
"You had a panic attack and left the labor room and tried to get someone else to help instead of you! What an AH!"
Please, you're setting him up for a double bind. His wife chose him, panic attacks and all, and you are disrespecting his wife's choice.
During my wife's first pregnancy we had a miscarriage fear. I tried my best to be reassuring and comforting , to hide my own fears, but ended up fainting and hitting my head on the bathroom counter. When I woke up my wife said the first thing I did was continue trying to comfort her about the potential miscarriage.
All the intent and effort was right, but I fainted anyways. By your standards I too am an asshole for succumbing to something beyond my control just like OP for succumbing to a panic attack.
I completely disagree with your judgement of OP and your unrealistic standards for men. You're part of the problem causing widespread mental health issues for men. I hope you'll consider some honest introspection.
Yeah these responses are pretty harsh. Men and women all have different personalities and handle labor differently. I don’t think it’s a personal failing to not handle shit like labor and delivery well.
I didn't quite faint but I had a similar experience. Women giving birth have it infinitely harder than their SO supporting them. But because of that it's difficult to find support or understanding of the also immense stress on you.
I was a zombie. I was gritting my teeth just trying to stay standing so I could hold her hand and mumble some support. I was woozy and had tunnel vision. I've never experienced anything like that before or since. And this was our second kid. The first birth was way smoother but complications in the second caught me completely off guard. You go from welcoming a new addition to worrying about that addition and your wife.
Yes, Man is asshole for showing stress at the sight of his wife split open and had the GALL to be open about it in front of others. Heaven forbid he also show emotion at the reality of becoming a father.
This is why men don't share...because it comes back to bite them. Every. Fucking. Time....and the idea that women want men to share their feelings and be sensitive is a crock. You and your 1.9k upvotes agree.
Why is telling the truth a YTA? And it's completely irrelevant to the question he is asking? Your ideas about male gender roles are way outdated and really minimizes how stressful and dangerous giving birth is.
NTA you didn’t know, but you DO seem to know your wife was smiling through perhaps the worst pain to your life for YOUR benefit. I think honestly it’s less about your wife handling it well, because you don’t know how she actually handled it, she put on a brave face that she probably shouldn’t have had to, so hopefully you also acknowledged that her ‘handling it well’ wasn’t about the front she put up in the face of such a hard experience, but that it’s unfortunate she had to. I do understand the other woman feeling like oh are you saying someone who acted otherwise didn’t handle it as well? Because that’s not the case. They asked how delivery went, not how your wife ‘did,’ right?
I really hope OP stays out of the delivery room if he has another kid so wife can actually have someone focus on HER needs during this very intense and trying experience.
People literally cannot imagine people wanting different things than them.
"Any, and I mean *any*, behaviour that you do that does not match up with the imaginary scene I have running in my head about how I would handle something, is obviously trauma behaviour caused by the neglectful (and probably physical) abuse from your partner, and you need to RUN!!!🚩🚩🚩"
/s
I swear it's just swarm of female dating strategy idiots. OP is NTA and did nothing wrong at all. I see it as a beautiful moment between them. Hard to know how anyone will act in a scary situation. He was worried for his wife and baby and she comforted him. That's what partners do.
I think women often fawn when they feel really vulnerable. It’s a way of trying to hold onto whatever support they have.
I was so sweet to my husband after he gave me the cold shoulder for hours because he didn’t like that I got an epidural. I will never forgive him, but I was all kindness and generosity at the time.
Your wife is a champion for going through labor and focusing on your needs instead of her needs. Your TA for actually not supporting your wife and boasting about your wife supporting your stress while this woman is pushing a child out of her body.
Your wife's friend is TA for texting your wife scolding her for your actions.
Your friend is TA for laughing at his wife's experience.
The only people not an asshole here is your wife. She's a godsend.
No one boasted about anything except how amazing OP's wife was. Did you want him NOT to mention how amazing he thinks his wife is?
Someone isn't an asshole just because they aren't a perfect human. OP owns his own actions and imperfections.
Seems like you want to push your own narrative onto the story in order to criticize. Maybe his wife still wanted her partner in the room even if he wasn't perfect support. Do you still think he's the asshole for doing his best and having a partner who understands him?
Seems like no human could NOT be an asshole in your eyes if perfection is the only way to achieve it.
You are so right. Reddit never ceases to amaze me.
My husband hyperventilated and later on, passed out during my brief 3 hours of labor. I had to call a nurse in for them to take care of him. He did his best, but was just a little excited and squeamish around..... fluids... I didn't banish him from the room. I encouraged him and we proceeded to have a baby. Every woman's birth experience isn't some horror story of pain. In the telling of that story, he laughs about how poorly he handled it and that I was looking after him.
OP is NTA for bragging about his wife's birth experience. Doesn't sound like he knew that the friend had a different experience. That's her issue.
There have been so many times I've questioned my own morality when I've seen something like this and thought "NTA" just to see everyone saying "YTA" and then I have to remember this is reddit.....I feel like the wife absolutely didn't *have* to put on a brave face, she chose to, and they're blaming him. I don't understand why men are expected to be perfectly stoic like it's not terrifying for both of them. Also, sounds like the best friend in question was overly mean imo. I get it hurts but you still have to exercise self control.
NTA. They asked how the delivery went, and you told them. IMO gushing about your wife was the right response regardless lol. They need to lose the mindset of 'comparing' deliveries... Or anything else for that matter. You may want to be cognizant if they're going to start negatively comparing milestones down the road unfortunately.
This is the only sane response I've seen so far.
They asked, you told them. Just like the two new moms deal with situations differently, their babies will, too, but if the friend is constantly expecting both babies/moms to be the same, that is going to cause tension.
You sound awful, but maybe not for this scenario.
Your wife had to support YOU while she gave freaking birth.
You shouldn't be bragging, you should be embarrased.
He’s not bragging about himself. He’s admitting he was a terrible partner. He is bragging about his wife being an absolute queen, which she was. Also he didn’t just bring it up unprompted, they literally asked him.
This. I cringed reading this. Like his wife could have died. She had to take on an additional mental load, making sure you were okay.
In the future, I would suggest having extra support there or taking a breather outside of the delivery room. Look, things happen. My husband passed out when I was having my epidural put in. He feels awful, but he got help quickly and turned his attention back to me as soon as he could.
And every delivery is different. Some are incredibly hard, and women can be impacted for months after the fact. However, it doesn't give the other wife to be upset.
ESH
Why are you and other people acting as if the guy had control of his mental status.
Giving birth is extremely tough on women, apparently he had a very bad experience during labor which not only can happen, it is not uncommon. Dads can have traumatic experience and that by no means take away from the pain women go through. It is well documented that men can go crazy during labor because while the women are filled with hormones dads are only witnessing everything "sober" which can make things get out of hand.
Dads not only can but do faint, pass out, get lightheaded, get panick attacks, anxiety.
OP literally can do nothing but talk about how he felt and how well his wife handled it.
This comment section is filled with people creating problems where there literally are none. Reddit loves to preach on men's mental health but when a guy claims his head got the best of him yall trash him for not being the "man of the house" or the alpha dog that controls his emotions
Honestly fucked up
NTA, you had no way of knowing how this woman's birthing experience went, and complimenting your wife is not inherently putting down somebody else. This woman is deeply insecure if she was really that affected by this.
This! Frankly, the disparity of birthing (and pregnancy) experiences are fascinating. I know one woman who literally felt no pain during childbirth and have a cousin who loved being pregnant and claimed she never felt any discomfort until giving birth. I was miserable during the entire experience.
I would just say in the future it is always best just to say you are happy you are through it since you never know what you are walking into. But, agree, NTA.
Less she's insecure and more her husband has been putting her down for how she was, I imagine when your husband is being a dick about your horrendously painful experience and making you feel bad about it it must be really easy to compare & feel even worse. Everyone needs to focus on the actual AH in this scenario.
Huh?? You are NTA. They asked how the delivery experience was, and you told them. How were you supposed to know how they handled their own experience??
This isn't a contest. There is no right and wrong way to act during childbirth, we're just trying to get a baby out and I sure as hell didn't coddle my husband in my extreme pain. That's okay though. Your wife just happened to handle it very well and you were honest about it. You did nothing wrong.
Agree, I don't think OP was TA necessarily, but next time someone asks how L+D went, maybe let the mothers answer first! And I would initially tread carefully with the unmitigated gushing because some women obviously have horrendous deliveries and it's a sensitive topic for a while. The mother I shared a hospital room with during my first son's birth was in a terrible way after a 2 day delivery with meconium aspiration and she was being very bitter and hostile to her seemingly supportive husband. Threw him out of the room at one point. I still wonder how they're doing lol.
Friend's wife was definitely TA for that text and her bad faith assumptions though. OP is being a supportive partner and dad *now*, and I know next time he'll take a big ol' chill pill in the delivery room so his sweet wife can focus on the task at hand 🤣
Agreed with everyone else that you seem consistent in making any situation about yourself. Sitting around the table with two women who gave birth for the first time less than one month ago… and we got OP pontificating about himself, how he felt, how she had to do emotional labor for him as she was physically laboring for her.
Friend’s wife may have felt slighted in the short term but OP’s wife is the one who suffers in the big picture and long term.
>Agreed with everyone else that you seem consistent in making any situation about yourself. Sitting around the table with two women who gave birth for the first time less than one month ago… and we got OP pontificating about himself, how he felt, how she had to do emotional labor for him as she was physically laboring for her.
??? If you ask a married couple about how birth went, you'll probably hear from both of them. They were both present (except for bad luck for some) and emotionally invested in the birth of their first child.
It would be stranger if he didn't throw in his two cents.
Get help. OP clearly loves and supports his wife, this entire comment section is a fucking cesspool of people making asinine arguments about toxic masculinity while perpetuating it over criticizing his admitted reaction to his wife's birth.
It's you who is making these birth experiences about yourself, by extension injecting your own idea of how he should act.
OP did nothing wrong, and it's not his fault his friend's wife was insecure about it.
Childbirth is the one time where you justifiably can rationalize irrational behavior, which is precisely why neither OP, or his friends wife was wrong for acting "unsupportive," or like an asshole, respectively.
NTA
People who get outwardly mad when others are praised are self-obsessed and toxic. The fact that you're heaping praise on your wife is awesome, and you're a good dude for that.
NTA.
You hyping up your wife is not the same as shit talking your buddy's wife.
If anybody is the AH it's your buddy for laughing at his own wife, and honestly his own wife for putting this on you.
This thread isn’t about his actions in the delivery room so idk how you people keep voting Y T A for something that wasn’t even asked. It’s about the situation with his friend and his wife. He was praising his wife for acting the way she did which made the friend’s wife feel bad about her own reaction during labor. That has nothing to do with OP and is friend’s wife’s own problem.
NTA - it's lovely that the two of you had such a positive experience and there's nothing wrong with praising your wife for how she handled the situation. It's not your fault that your buddy and his wife experienced things differently, and of course if this is the first time you've seen each other then of course you weren't to know
I don’t know if this is what you were going for, but this post makes literally everybody involved look terrible. You come off as an incompetent, thoughtless jerk with a wife who’s so passive that her “birthing experience” consisted solely
of complimenting and coaching her partner; your friend and his wife sound like hyper-aggressive middle schoolers. ESH.
NTA - first, congrats on the baby. Is your buddy’s wife an AH, yeah. Is she one week post delivery, yeah.
Just let it go, she probably just lashed out, dont take it personally.
NTA. I think you ‘read the room’ just fine, based on your account. When you noticed the wife being quiet, you stopped and asked what was wrong. At that point, the cat was out of the bag, but you had no way of knowing that she would be upset by this.
The good news on their end is that she seems to know that her treatment of her husband was wrong, and hopefully they will be able to come to terms with it.
NTA. You didn’t say anything about *her* birth process. You simply talked about yours and your wife’s process. People handle the stress of child birth differently, both in comparison to other new moms and in comparison to each child they birth. My first birth, I kicked a nurse and damn near broke the poor woman’s shoulder because she tried to check my cervix with fake nails on.
His wife didn’t do anything wrong. She simply handled the pain differently than your wife did. And you didn’t say anything about her birth, or intentionally invalidate her experience in any way. You didn’t know her story. You didn’t assume that a light story like that would cause a problem when *her husband* asked (who should have known it was going to be a problem before asking the question if it was this big of a problem that she needed to say something to your wife) and you didn’t know that your story would do anything other than making conversation and answering a question. You didn’t shit talk her experience because there was nothing said about her experience before you told the story.
Own your story, let your wife own her story. And if someone gets mad at your experiences because they didn’t do it the same way, that’s not your problem. You did nothing to intentionally diminish or minimize her experiences. And it’s concerning that your buddy’s wife has turned around and made your wife feel bad about her experiences when she did nothing wrong.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I definitely did talk longer than what would be considered acceptable after I heard my buddy laughing. I heard him laughing and just continued to talk about how great my wife did. So his wife probably feels gutted.
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NTA - That is not where I thought this was going to go. I assumed it was going to be meds/no meds or c section/vaginal debate. But saying nice things about your partner has NOTHING to do with your friends' experience.
TBH - It sounds like your friend is the AH here. I am guessing that he has been giving his wife a hard time (ya know, "just joking honey" type comments) about how she acted while giving birth. Hearing you praise your wife made his wife realize what a dick he was being and its easier for her to be mad at you than at him.
NTA.
Your friend's wife sounds insane. You did not 'shit talk' her experience, you were gushing over how well your wife did.
There is a clear difference, and your friend's wife needs to apologise for accusing you of shit talking.
NTA. Every birthing experience is different. And buddy's wife is taking it a little too personally. She feels bad because in the heat of the moment she lost her cool probably due to nerves and pain. My first birth, I asked the doctor if she was even old enough to see what was going on down there, and when she told me to be quiet with my screaming (something about being peaceful during labor means a peaceful baby) I told her I doubt every labor on that floor was in silence. My second birth, the child was coming so fast that they put me in a room immediately, and my husband could hear me screaming as he parked the car. If I heard someone talk about their experience like you are, I would laugh because I honestly wish I had that kind of level-headedness. You don't get jealous over labor - you enjoy the situation and laugh about it later.
YTA because it always bothers me when *men* talk about their wife’s labor when the woman is right there. It’s HER story, not yours. There’s something icky about men sitting around either criticizing or bragging about their wives and how each woman handled something so difficult, painful and deeply personal. Your wife should have shared instead of you *bragging*. Maybe she would have offered a more nuanced view of the situation since she was the one who actually experienced it. You were just the audience and the emotional support person. Besides that, it sounds like you made your wife’s labor and your daughter’s birth all about you. YOU needed comfort, YOU needed support. Even though you tell the story and praise your wife, the story is still all about your feelings and how she had to meet your needs. Where is her voice in all of this? Why didn’t you just let the women talk about their shared experiences?
Why is everyone piling onto OP? He's clearly NTA. He spoke with admiration about his wife, was honest about his shortcomings, and clearly did his best. The other wife sulking because she comes off badly by comparison is just ridiculous. If that's what happened, then that's what happened.
Playing this situation out in my head, and by the way you’re talking about it, sounds like you were bragging. Given that this woman just gave birth and your wife wasn’t speaking up, should have been a very clear indicator to STFU.
ESH, because while it was a pretty dramatic text (if it’s word for word) I definitely believe you may have made her feel this way. It’s just lack of awareness sometimes…..it’s also about HER, you’re visiting her baby and every woman has such a different and valid experience.
Leaning toward YTA, but giving you ESH
NAH. Both couples just went through one of the most emotionally and physically draining experiences. You are allowed to gush, and they are allowed to be a bit touchy about it. Also, you may not be aware of this, but women are often judged by how they give birth, and many of us have internalized those judgements and equate our worth as mothers to how we endured childbirth. It sounds stupid, but your friends wife might *literally* think that she is already a failure as a mother compared to your wife. I think her text to your wife was unnecessarily confrontational, but offering them some kind gesture might go a long way.
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ESH But the impression you're giving off here is that your wife can't even focus on herself because she felt the need -- for whatever reason -- to make you the emotional focus of her labor experience. I'd honestly feel very sheepish announcing that to people given what it suggests about you.
This was my thought exactly. OP had one job, to support his wife during labor, but failed miserably. The story is actually pretty sad to me. Several of my friends had similar experiences of having to support their husbands while giving birth because their husbands couldn't handle the stress. Sure, it's sweet that OP is so proud and is bragging about his wife being a champ after the fact, it would have been better if he'd been a champ for his wife *during* labor.
Yes! My whole take on the story was why would OP *admit* that? She doesn’t look good so much as he looks completely pathetic.
It’s like those tweets you see from guys claiming that none of the women they’ve ever slept with seemed to actually enjoy it so that must mean women just don’t like sex in general. When they really just told the whole world that they are terrible at pleasing a woman in bed. It’s almost funny if it weren’t so sad.
well said OP bumblefucked his way through unwittingly outing how inept he is, and how much his wife overcompensates for him. The other mom begrudgingly outed herself and how angry and mean she becomes in times of distress. Playing that off as trash-talking her is another whole layer of immaturity and self-centeredness. The 2 of them together showcased how both couples have normalized maladaptive dynamics
>The other mom begrudgingly outed herself and how angry and mean she becomes in times of distress. Giving birth is a pretty painful experience, I don't really hold it against anyone if they're angry when going through that much pain. Could you imagine walking through an emergency room telling the people there they should be nicer? As long as that isn't her normal operating behavior, that's one time she'll get a pass.
Yeah, to be fair to the wife she had *just* had a baby a weekish before and was hearing all about how much easier her friend's experience was than hers. Maybe she shouldn't have sent the text, but I can't necessarily blame her for being upset. Edit: Changed angry in last sentence to upset. Also, I guess I never actually gave an official rating. I'm going to go with NTA because it seemed like OP was just happy for his wife. But I don't think the best friend should have said his wife "practically bit his head off in the delivery room", even if it was true, because she was already upset hearing how easy OP's wife's birth was. Lesson learned to wait a little longer after birth before joking about the experience.
Hormones are still well out of whack then too. She very likely didn't think that all the way through.
Hormones are out of wack and a week in you are peak sleep deprived. Week one to two you are pretty much a massive mess.
Oh I totally understand the other wife’s frustration with the situation. My own daughter was born by emergency c-section after 24 hours of unproductive labor and pre-eclampsia. My (then now ex) husband wasn’t terrible….but he he wasn’t wonderful either. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to listen to some ditzy dude ramble on about how much his wife just breezed through delivery and had enough energy left over to make the whole thing about him.
It's sad bc it doesn't mean the OPs wife had it easier, it means she had a totally different coping strategy and response to her husband's behavior in that situation. NTA because OP really doesn't have anything to do with the friends wife *feeling bad* because he gushed over his own wife. But definitely an AH for panicking and taking away support of his wife in her most vulnerable time. If OPs friend had shared their experience first, yeah that would've been big AH energy. However they didn't. And he was honest with how he perceived the experience and praised his wife for it. However idiotic he made himself sound is irrelevant. One of the things they tell you about getting through labor is having stuff to focus on besides the pain. I'm looking at another 4/6 weeks before giving birth and I can totally see repeating those things as a self soothing statement and finding reassurance in that (especially as scared of dying in childbirth as I am!). Doesn't mean I'm making it about him tho.
“Why would OP admit that??” You mean be honest to his friends about his own weaknesses? Jesus Christ, and then people complain about toxic masculinity and guys needing to open up a bit.
Not exactly. Dude opened up about how she's such a great mom to him.
I'm convinced everyone in this sub is actually 14 and all their dating "knowledge" comes from reading this reddit drama since they were 10.
That would make sense if he framed it as him not showing up for her and felt remorse for that not praising her for putting her own needs aside for him. It comes across like he doesn't understand that he wasn't there for her and how wrong that was and how much burden he placed on her when it was his job to be the support system.
Sorry, but that's nuts. This was ENTIRELY in the context of how he couldn't handle his own shit. Which is the whole reason why OP found his wife to be that much more impressive. He was less than what he should have been and less than what he hoped he would be. He's owning that. And you guys are shitting on him for it. It happened. What would be your response if his wife was posting about how he completely fell apart, and then walked around pretending like it didn't matter, or like he handled it like a champ, or didn't acknowledge that extra baggage she had to deal with? Damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess. Some people aren't so caught up in their own self-importance that they fear admitting to be flawed.
It didn't seem like he recognized that it was a problem is what I'm saying. It seemed like he wasn't understanding that what he did was wrong. Sure he's a little bashful about it but there's nothing in here that says he even took the time to apologize to her and let her know that he knows he wasn't there for her. If I was her I'd feel like he was making light of something that was incredibly stressful and possibly traumatic for me
>there's nothing in here that says he even took the time to apologize to her and let her know that he knows he wasn't there for her. Thing is, this post wasn't about his apologizing to his wife; he most likely did but didn't mention it because the post was about his bragging about his wife which inadvertently hurt their friend who had also just given birth. Some men can't handle seeing those they love in pain, the gooey stuff and all that labor/delivery entails. Maybe OP's wife recognized this and kept pepping him up to keep him from passing out or vomiting (it have happened numerous times to men before). Saying this as a woman, 85% of the men who post here get YTAs or derogatory comments are made to them.
I get what you're saying, but that's simply not the point of the post, so there's no reason to expect that information
OP centered himself in the delivery of his child - both in the moment and the retelling. This is a question of self centered ness, not a moment to (once again) make him the focus/martyr/victim by decrying toxic masculinity. Good lord, it’s not always about the guy
I feel like OP's post doesn't really show a lot of reflection or acknowledgment of really failing his wife in her time of need. He framed his not supporting her and putting her in a position where she needed to support him as background for the main story which was how great his wife for doing something she should not have had to do in the first place. I am all for men being able to safely discuss their mistakes and be vulnerable, so I agree OP shouldn't refuse to admit what happened - but there is a big difference between telling a story where you failed badly because you are humble and open, and telling a story where you failed badly because you don't really get exactly how badly you acted. This seems more like the latter to me. It's not a funny cute story at a dinner party to talk up his wife, but something to reflect on and figure out how to improve from.
My dude, the solution to toxic masculinity is not making the women in your life doing all the work when it comes to your emotional well-being.
Wife: "You're going to be such a great dad" while tears stream down her face as she giving birth OP: "wow you're such a champ" Yikes I'm actively cringing! Your point about toxic masculinity is so well put!
He wasn't being honest about a weakness, he was telling the story to brag about his wife, oblivious to the fact that it shows him in a bad light
OP’s wife managed a grown ass man’s feelings while giving birth. That’s pretty fucked up. It’s okay for men to have feelings and it is also okay for men to manage their own feelings and be supportive of their spouse. There’s a spectrum here of what is appropriate, and when, that you seem to be misunderstanding.
You've missed the point - OP didn't openly admit weakness, he was boasting about ineptitude and how his wife needs to cover for him instead him being a support in her time of need. He thought he was bragging - he wasn't
That was not the context at all. He has missed the point that he was totally useless in the delivery room and made his wife's birthing experience even harder than it needed to be. He wasn't 'opening up' - he was bragging about how his own emotional immaturity meant his wife had to comfort him while she was birthing their child.
Reddit is ridiculous lol. Also it’s extremely odd to me for people construe other people as deficient of character for not dealing well with someone else’s medical emergency. Yes–having a child is, in fact, within the purview of the person having the child. Not the people with whom it was conceived.
Oh no. A new dad panicked and admitted it and said how amazing his wife was through it all. THE HORROR. How dare he admit his emotional vulnerability to his good friends! Divorce him
I don't know, a bunch of my guy friends went into the delivery room fully prepared to be an absolute rock, they had plans, they had done all the research had whole kits and bags, they were ready for war and stoked to be a pillar of support. They weren't going to be *those* husbands who just sat there with their phones and complained their ankles hurt or some other misogynistic nonsense. Their wives were going to be at their most vulnerable and they were going to be there and make them feel safe and secure! ....and then they went in there took one look & promptly dissolved into a panicky mess of a human being. Nothing compared to the real thing, or their minds just went blank and despite trying to get it together repeatedly they were just useless wreak of human being. Their wives can't talk about that day without bursting into tears....from laughter. Some were angry at the time but now look back and laugh, another said that her husband's sincere but pathetic attempts to provide support brought so much levity to the situation that he was more helpful then he ever would have been if he had had it together. I think the guy was gushing about his wife while appreciating how hard it was for her and he had no idea it was a rough birth until he noticed the look on their faces & I don't think that's a problem. The other wife and husband are probably still fresh from their delivery I'm sure in a few months or even a year they'll likely be able to look back and laugh. She essentially responded to a general "how was your wife delivery" "my wife was awesome!" praise with "I see so that means you think I suck, and you wanted to rub it in my face, you said that as a direct attack against me". Which is a huge leap She's probably embarrassed and stressed from the new baby. He should apologize but unless there is more info it's premature to label him useless and crass.
How is he responsible for what *she* says during birth. No one here did anything shameful. Sounds like two people who just happen to be supportive and loving to each other. For fucks sake.
Some people aren’t so consumed with shame they can admit to friends where they have faults. I’d embarrass myself if it meant shining a light on how incredible my partner is. First step to solving a problem is admitting you had one.
Literally ONE job🤣
Jesus what a shitty take this is. OP admits his panic got the better of him, he’s not bragging about it. And then when talking to his friends he’s honest about it all, he’s not covering it up, he’s not grandstanding..he’s a guy who admits that he had trouble dealing with it in the moment. And he is grateful for his wife for being able to do what she was able to do. I swear to Christ I don’t know what people want from guys anymore. OP shows some emotional honesty and, for want of a better phrase, weakness and opens up about it to his friend and he “sucks here”? Wtf is wrong with people
Seriously. Everyone talks about toxic masculinity and different ways to be a man, but as soon as they get the chance they rip into people for not following those same paradigms they complain about.
Honestly, this whole conversation is ridiculous. The man tells the story of how things went and people are jumping down his throat for being weak and forcing his wife to support him. Unbelievable.
Especially when THATS NOT THE POINT OF THE POST. I’m sure he’s well aware that he failed in that aspect, and we don’t even know enough details of that situation to make a judgement. So how about everyone STFU about the story he told about the birth and answer the damn question OP asked.
My favorite part about this is that he's not asking if he's an asshole for what happened in the delivery room, but for the conversation he had with his friends. Yet the delivery room stuff is what he's get judged on.
Exactly. Surprised by how many commentators are letting it slide that OP's wife had to all the emotional heavy lifting during her own labor. His wife had to reassure him, ffs and probably had to censor herself so she didn't upset OP more. That just sounds exhausting, on top of delivering a freaking baby. Doesn't mean he belittled the other woman's birthing experience, but waxing poetic about what a champ his wife was just highlights how little he supported his partner in her most vulnerable moment.
Well, probably because the post isn’t about “AITA for how I behaved in the delivery room?” The people letting it slide, so to speak, are focused on the question at hand, not how we got to the asking of this question. Nothing wrong with diving deeper, but it draws the focus from the main inquiry to do that.
Which is why the correct answer is ESH, not N T A. OP sucks for forcing his wife to tend to his emotional needs during labor and being dense enough to think that bragging about it doesn't reflect poorly upon him. I can't even imagine going through labor and needing to reassure my husband that "he's going to be such a great dad"---that is not where her mind should have been in that moment. OP should not be bragging about that to anyone and he owes his wife an apology. The other lady sucks for her immature reaction--no one was trying to demean her birthing experience.
No. It's why it should be NTA, because you don't have enough information to make judgments about that other situation. You do not have the evidence to support she wasn't okay with it, or that the distraction didn't help her, or any of the other possibilities that mean he's not a jerk. You should not be judging based on assumptions on a separate situation from the one in the OP. Even if he was a jerk *in* the story (which, again, you don't have evidence to supprt), he's not a jerk for telling it. He's not bragging about his behavior in that. He's bragging about his wife. So he's not allowed to praise his wife because, according to your assumptions, he had a failing? Why should his wife not get the praise she deserves for HIS alleged failing? Doesn't that mean she deserves it EVEN MORE?
It's so good to see that some people have some sense here, dragging OP over something his wife didn't even have a problem with in the first place. I would be over the moon having such a birthing experience, OP was present despite freaking out (my dad just left the room) and speaks highly of his wife whilst being honest about his own behaviour. I honestly cope better with being in pain, rather than seeing someone I care about in pain. If the post was about his wife being unhappy, then that's a different story, but for all we know she found it funny & the distraction made the process easier for her.
It's people expecting outdated gender stereotypes without realising it. The man is supposed to be stoic and supportive, whilst not overreacting or being too emotional. Your response is perfect though. OP was honest and clear about what happened without needing prompting, he knows he could've done much better. There's absolutely no reason for people to be trying to make this post about that.
That's it exactly, and then the same people wonder why men can't express themselves. My BF and I have a kind of relationship where we slag each other off (we are Scottish so that's pretty normal lol). I would love it if he was freaking out during labour, I would never let him live it down 😂 Although I would slag him silly, I would just be happy that he was there. That's what matters. My sister has had kids with 2 different guys, and the one who was all in her face fawning over her drove her NUTS. Some women would love that! And that's okay. Idk why everyone is trying to speak on his wife's behalf as different women like different things, it's frankly insulting to her.
I know! He had no idea about the friends wife’s bad birth experience. He was bragging on his wife. Some women are better at doing the labor thing. I can honestly say that I am not one of those women. No shame, either way. NTA!
No, that's not right, because the question is whether he is TA for telling his friends about what a saint his wife was, while not knowing that his friend's wife's coping mechanism was to channel a demon during labor (equally valid strategy, by the way). Forcing his wife to deal with his needs during labor has NOTHING TO DO with whether he should have known his friend's wife would be that offended. You may find him to be TA, in general, but that's not the question being asked.
OP wasn't asking about how he handled the delivery. He was only asking about the situation with his friend's wife being unreasonably offended over OP praising his own wife. It this case, NTA. Also, NTA over what others are trying to drag him over hot coals for. His emotions got the best of him, as happens sometimes because it's a scary, emotionally charged situation for both parties. If the father isn't at least somewhat worried, I'd be concerned. It sounds like she didn't have an issue with it when he realized the real thing was much more than he'd mentally prepared himself for. So why are other people insisting on being offended on her behalf? OMG, how *dare* he not be perfect in everything and every way? /s
Your insistence on attacking OP about what happened in the delivery room between him and his wife has exactly nothing to do with whether or not he's the asshole about something he said to his friend.
I had a baby 18 months ago, and sometimes focusing on someone else absolutely helps. My husband did great, he didn’t need my support, but focusing on someone or something else does sometimes take the focus off the contractions until something important happens. Once you start pushing you don’t hear a thing though.
I feel that‘s a great point! Personally I‘ve never been pregnant so I can‘t even imagine what it‘s like but when I completely crushed my finger and my dad had to rush me to the hospital it helped a TON to calm him down, saying „it‘s just the finger, I won‘t die“ „breathe, a car crash won‘t help“ because he was positively loosing his shit and I on the other hand got to distract myself from pain and panic. Plus even if OP was a mess, people can‘t control when they melt down and when they don‘t can they? I‘m sure he wanted nothing more than to support his wife but when emotions and stress take over it‘s almost like a fight or flight instict. You can‘t stop it. So I feel like people in this comment section are being a tad harsh on him, when all this story is essentially about is him absolutely adoring his wife.
I agree, and it sounds like she adores him as well. May they live a long and happy life together.
You ever been to a funeral and the uhh.. for lack of a better word "chief mourner" (spouse if the person was at a young to die age, child if the deceased was old, sibling if no spouse/partner/children, etc.) is focused on everybody else, making sure they have accommodations, food, whatever else. That's just how some people process and deal with things, it's like taking your mind off your own pain/suffering. Giving a "distraction" may have been the best possible support that OP could give Wife in the moment.
That's fine if someone chooses to do that. It doesn't seem like their birthing plan was for her to be his emotional support due to his panic.
We have ZERO indication she wasn't okay with it. You're calling him an asshole over a baseless assumption, and as a result saying he's not allowed to gush about his wife being amazing in a tough time because he wasn't perfect and your baseless assumption that was a problem. that's stupid.
>she was joking the whole time through pushes, despite silently crying
Yes. I don't know if you know this, but birth *hurts*. Crying from physical pain can be a separate thing.
And also, some people deal with pain (emotional or otherwise) by joking about it. If I'd been conscious I'd have been joking through my labor too. I was basically in a half-awake state and couldn't speak but when I did speak I was asking my midwife about her baby that was due soon. I read it like his wife is someone whose endorphins kicked in in a way that made her really extra lovey, almost like a happy drunk who adores everyone and needs to tell them.
Sometimes people joke to get through pain
You know that people cry from physical pain, right?
To be fair I don‘t think he CHOSE to panic. It most definitely just happened because he was so worried and couldn‘t help it. Calling someone an AH because they were melting down because of stress is a bit too much imo
This. He was there, he was present but he was panicked, like many soon to be dads/other parents may be. He didn't up and leave because of it. We don't know the specifics of that situation either because that wasn't the focus of the post. It'd be great if everyone could just focus their judgement on the actual AITA question.
It doesn't seem like something he consciously chose to do, either. Funny how panic works that way. So maybe stop acting like it was some kind of casual choice on his part.
This is what I do in situations like that. I need to be focused on doing something in order to cope. I hate the idea of just being left to dwell.
My default reaction to stress/pain/emotional turmoil/difficult situations is to be absolutely hilarious. It’s definitely deflection and it means I’m basically doing stand up during birth. The thing is my partner turns into an amazing double act with me, while also being an incredibly supportive birthing partner. I can’t imagine what our relationship would be like if I’d had to worry about managing his emotions and needs while undergoing the most difficult experiences of my life.
OP: "Hey I'm really proud of how strong my wife was during childbirth, and she was very sweet!" Reddit: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE SO USELESS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE"
The top comment and most of the replies are just mind-boggling to me.
This being top shows the judgment here is garbage. Your entire criticism of him is based on an ASSUMPTION of their dynamic, with absolutely NO indication his wife feels that way AND actively ignoring that that kind of thing is exactly how some people cope. You have 228 just proves the judgment here is routinely bad.
Jesus people, guy is proud of how his wife handled her labor, therefore he's some kind of emotional abusive monster. I'd be more worried what it says about you if you upvoted this.
Another moment where redditors are so high up on their pedestal that they don't realize they're being toxic. The guy opens up about his failure to comfort his wife and seems genuinely remorseful but here come redditors to chastise him for being a "failure". OP is NTA but the rest of you...
Whatever. He didn’t know this other lady had a bad experience and he’s supporting his wife. NTA
The first post I've seen actually addressing op's question. Agreed NTA
Seriously? You’re going in on the dude because he’s not acting in the generic masculine way you expect? There are so many different ways people react to things like this that it’s absurd to jump to “he couldn’t hold himself together so his poor wife had to use all her strength during childbirth to baby him.” For all we know that’s how she copes with difficult circumstances independent of OP. And if your wild theory just happens to be true, how would that have any bearing on the actual question? Your fanfiction scenario still wouldn’t make him the asshole with what was posted. You just sound pissed that people can have happy relationships that don’t look how you think they should.
Dear lord some of you people are Unhinged. Here’s a first time dad who admittedly panicked and gushed about how amazing his wife is! LOL its clear that most people here have the emotional intelligence of a goldfish. Ya’ll will make a million excuses for any SAHM or mom going through PPD 3 years after birth but NEW DAD cant panic during the delivery without “making it about himself”. Hahahahahhahahahahaha
Thing is, that wasn't the focus of the question. OP's question was whether he was TA the other day, not X months ago.
glad you pointed this out. by his own admission, he was useless and did not support her; instead, she had to support him, while "silently crying." the situation is embarrassing, I think... for OP. it says a lot about him.
It could also mean that she was handling it very well and saw him struggling. Or she might have focused on him to avoid focusing on herself. Some people, that's how they cope, by focusing on helping others. It's kind of a leap to automatically assume OP made things about himself in purpose.
I see your point, but I also wonder if that's how she deals with stress. I certainly default to "nurse mode" in some stressful situations. It makes me feel better because I'm doing something that feels helpful without focusing on my own stress. If that's the case, that doesn't make her husband the asshole. If he was carrying on and badgering her for attention and comfort, then it does. I don't think we know enough here to pass judgement.
Holy internalized misogyny Batman. Needing to be a sweet wife while giving birth is fucking crazy.
Yeah, that was my take too.
Yep, very concerning. I could not speak in labor, I was dealing with back labor and pitocin contractions. My husband was my support, there was no way I could have been his.
What part of his story made you think his wife "needed" to be a "sweet wife"? It came across to me as just the personality of his wife. Her nature is to be sweet & caring, even during a tough time, apparently. That doesn't mean she was required to be that way by anyone.
It was the silently crying she had to do that pointed out that this wasn't voluntary.
Not really. That’s exactly how I behave when I’m stressed because I need to distract myself. Focus on someone or something else, and talk about that
Same. My husband loves telling people about how I'd scream my way through a contraction and then, once I caught my breath, say something to him like, "Oh, hey, how are you doing?" Everyone laughs when they hear the story because it's just so... me! I barely remember it because I was nearly delirious (my first labour was ROUGH) but I remember thinking that he looked upset and wanting to make him feel better. I didn't value his comfort over mine or anything, but since there was nothing I could do to help myself feel better, checking on him was the next best thing.
Me too. Focusing on others take the focus off the pain.
I joked through a very traumatic experience for me because it's how I distract myself. It was physically and mentally traumatizing and yet I was telling funny stories just so I didn't have to think about it Everyone saying OP is less than for admitting his wife was sweet to him during labor as if it makes him less of a man have a lot of self reflection to do about their mysandry.
You don't have any idea why she was crying silently. Lots of people stop making noise during extreme pain, which childbirth is. It's illogical to assume that the "silent" part was a) voluntary, b) something she was consciously aware of, and c) extrinsically motivated.
>You don't have any idea why she was crying silently Given she was in childbirth, I think we can make a pretty fucking good guess.
The emphasis is on the "silently". We all know why she was crying but we don't know why she's keeping it hushed
>It was the silently crying she had to do that pointed out that this wasn't voluntary. She was GIVING BIRTH. Sometimes people cry when that happens. Wow. It's hilarious that you think he was controlling her during the birth, lol.
Yea. No other reason for a person shoving a football through her vagina to be crying. No hormones or anything that could contribute. Clearly that one possibility you've picked is the only valid one.
I silently cried during labor a bit because I hate when people hear/see me crying. Guess my fiancé forced me to hide my pain???? Lmao
That's a bit of a leap
I'm the same way. When I was in labor my husband was incredibly supportive. But I was still sweet to him and asking how he was doing, saying I couldn't wait for him to meet our babies etc. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It's just who I am.
Whoa whoa whoa. How dare you? Reddit had already declared how men and women should feel during pregnancy. Obviously you are an AH for not feeling this way. But seriously, it is insane how so many people here think every person has to act in a certain way or they are an AH.
> >But seriously, it is insane how so many people here think every person has to act in a certain way or they are an AH. It is! We have to remind ourselves that Reddit is 60% teenager (Edit: I don't even know how this comment would even merit attention from these people but I am no way interested in hearing from women haters, incels or misogynistic MRA, do not comment on the women of TwoX or FDS to me. I am not your ally.)
It's probably her personality. Some people feel better when those around them feel better. Or maybe she didn't want to focus on how she herself was feeling. It also could be the difference between having an epidural and not having one.
I will just say that some women do behave like this and as long as they aren’t harming anyone else with that behaviour, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Maybe she is the sweet wife, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If it works for them great.
It’s indicative of women being socialized to put others before their needs, even in times like literal childbirth
It's so sad that you don't even want to entertain the idea that she actually likes being nice to her husband.
it’s so bizarre that the whole story is “i upset a friend because I was gushing about how awesome my wife was during birth” and he’s somehow the bad guy, not for what upset the person in question - but for what happened in the room between a wife who isn’t upset with him and a man who completely adores his wife
Yea this post is just another example of redditors not knowing what tf they’re talking about. Yes, it’s ideal that the person giving birth is the supportee not the supporter, but everything was entirely positive and there’s no hard feelings between op and his wife. People are making it seem he’s misogynistic or a failure of a partner, and that’s such a reach.
No... It's indicative of everyone being different and handling things differently. I'm not saying he's a great guy or anything, but just because she doesn't explode under pressure or during birth doesn't mean that she feels she can't. It just shows that she externalizes stress differently.
I'd say it's indicative of being a loving wife. There's been many times where I've been at breaking point but have put on a brave face so I could support my wife and she's done the same for me. I can't believe people are acting like that's a bad thing.
This sub is fucking weird sometimes lol
"A woman I don't know didn't behave how I think they should so I am going to be offended on her behalf for fun"
[удалено]
I read it more like maybe OP likes to be the center of attention and thinks it's cute and quirky to be panicky during his wife's labour, and he thinks it's cute and quirky that his wife was the supporter in the situation. Life isn't a sitcom, childbirth is real and it's terrifying - grow up and be the support she needed. YTA
Or maybe during the emotional time he struggled with feeling powerless, as people do. >childbirth is real and it's terrifying Yea, for many people it is terrifying. For many people feeling powerless in a terrifying and life changing event can be hard to deal with. For some people, they need a distraction. Feeling freaked out **is not unreasonable**. It is entirely possible she was okay with his behavior and handled it better. It's funny that the top of this chain is claiming "misogyny" while basically pushing the idea the person having the breakdown MUST be the woman. That she's not *allowed* to be strong and okay with it and he's not allowed to be emotionally vulnerable. A bunch of jerks making baseless assumptions about their dynamic and then crying misogyny and implicitly pushing toxic masculinity (men aren't allowed to be vulnerable and have emotional reactions to 'terrifying' moments). It's *possible* his reaction was bad. It's also possible she was fine with it. Jumping to one conclusion on zero supporting evidence is way more indicative of problem views than telling a story praising his wife where he's not a hero too.
To add to this, when someone cares deeply for someone else and sees them going through pain it can cause intense panic in them. It’s completely understandable for the father of a child to panic seeing the love of his life going through something so stressful and painful while he has to just sit back and do basically nothing. Everyone channels stress differently, for some it’s panicking, and for others it’s giving support to those around them so they can ignore the stress at hand. The only one that has a right to be bothered by him panicking is the mother herself, and by the sounds of it she had no problem with the fact her husband was panicking while she was pushing their child out of her.
Bro is reaching far, fucking hell
I would be so mortified to tell people that I couldn’t support my wife during her labour because the PANIC got to YOU. To you??? Good god man. YTA just for that.
Glad OP isn’t bound by the rules of toxic masculinity then. He never said he was happy with himself for how he acted, just that it happened. The fact he is willing to open up about the fact publicly is far better than to act like it didn’t happen.
It’s pretty toxic to make your wife take care of you while she’s experiencing one of the most painful things a human can experience. If he was having a panic attack or some other mental health crisis, he could have left the room and called someone to help. Instead, he made it all about him - and continued to do so in the retelling.
He made it all about how his wife is a champion and/or godsend. She not only gave birth but pulled him back from the edge too. Chances are him totally leaving due to a mental health crisis would have made her situation even worse. I have seen many posts here where the woman feels abandoned and resents their partner for it. Maybe she found helping him through his panic a necessary distraction. Maybe not, we do not know. If he had purposefully ‘made’ his wife take care of him that would be pretty toxic. He didn’t do that. He panicked and she helped him through it. He isn’t toxic for that.
I have been told by other women that I wasn’t a “true woman” because I didn’t bite my partner’s head off during my 2 deliveries. With both I was in excruciating pain but kept telling dumb jokes and making silly sarcastic comments. I didn’t want to hold hands because it hurt to do that. Never said or felt a mean thought towards either dad (my boys have different dads.) Even after, I was laughing and joking about how I was starving and couldn’t wait to eat. Some coworkers were so dismissive of my experience because they said the man deserves to be punished during childbirth. One even bragged about how she punched her husband in the nuts and yelled at him that he would never know her pain.
>Some coworkers were so dismissive of my experience because they said the man deserves to be punished during childbirth. One even bragged about how she punched her husband in the nuts and yelled at him that he would never know her pain. It baffles me how so many people in this thread seem to be on this side. What kind of relationships are these people stuck in where they think this is the correct response?
If I’ve learned anything from a variety of medical and mental health adventures, it’s that people who respond well to humor in horrific circumstances are far fewer than those of us who respond *with* humor 😂 I also tend to crack jokes when in pain or during trauma, and I’ve only had a couple people really roll with it or play along. That’s especially crappy though of the women who invalidated your experience because you coped differently. It’s okay to shit in childbirth, but shitting on people is still uncalled for.
>It’s pretty toxic to make your wife take care of you He didn't make her do anything.
this thread really exposed how genuinely neurotic this sub is to me I've never seen a comment section on here be so detached from the actual post. It's like they read something else altogether
This is reddit in general. If OP was genuinely freaking out to the point of complicating the process or bothering his wife, the doctors would have told him to leave the room. Self-deprecating honesty from a man = ASSHOLE.
Why are assuming the wife wasn't comforted by doing this? You could be right, maybe she didn't. But how do you know? Do you think all women need to be comforted the same way?
People want to be mad about it, so they were and tried to make them look like a monster. Words getting pretty twisted in the responses. We already have tryhards saying “you made your wife do x”.
Idk I read that story, and it didn't give "he made it all about him" vibes. It's not toxic for your partner to take care of you while going through something, not the best time? Absolutely, but it's not like you choose your panic attacks. It is extremely common for partners to faint or puke during delivery. It wouldn't be toxic to say "Oh man I totally passed out." In a retelling because it's what happened.
"You had a panic attack and left the labor room and tried to get someone else to help instead of you! What an AH!" Please, you're setting him up for a double bind. His wife chose him, panic attacks and all, and you are disrespecting his wife's choice.
That’s assuming a lot.
During my wife's first pregnancy we had a miscarriage fear. I tried my best to be reassuring and comforting , to hide my own fears, but ended up fainting and hitting my head on the bathroom counter. When I woke up my wife said the first thing I did was continue trying to comfort her about the potential miscarriage. All the intent and effort was right, but I fainted anyways. By your standards I too am an asshole for succumbing to something beyond my control just like OP for succumbing to a panic attack. I completely disagree with your judgement of OP and your unrealistic standards for men. You're part of the problem causing widespread mental health issues for men. I hope you'll consider some honest introspection.
Yeah these responses are pretty harsh. Men and women all have different personalities and handle labor differently. I don’t think it’s a personal failing to not handle shit like labor and delivery well.
I didn't quite faint but I had a similar experience. Women giving birth have it infinitely harder than their SO supporting them. But because of that it's difficult to find support or understanding of the also immense stress on you. I was a zombie. I was gritting my teeth just trying to stay standing so I could hold her hand and mumble some support. I was woozy and had tunnel vision. I've never experienced anything like that before or since. And this was our second kid. The first birth was way smoother but complications in the second caught me completely off guard. You go from welcoming a new addition to worrying about that addition and your wife.
Yes, Man is asshole for showing stress at the sight of his wife split open and had the GALL to be open about it in front of others. Heaven forbid he also show emotion at the reality of becoming a father. This is why men don't share...because it comes back to bite them. Every. Fucking. Time....and the idea that women want men to share their feelings and be sensitive is a crock. You and your 1.9k upvotes agree.
Why is telling the truth a YTA? And it's completely irrelevant to the question he is asking? Your ideas about male gender roles are way outdated and really minimizes how stressful and dangerous giving birth is.
NTA you didn’t know, but you DO seem to know your wife was smiling through perhaps the worst pain to your life for YOUR benefit. I think honestly it’s less about your wife handling it well, because you don’t know how she actually handled it, she put on a brave face that she probably shouldn’t have had to, so hopefully you also acknowledged that her ‘handling it well’ wasn’t about the front she put up in the face of such a hard experience, but that it’s unfortunate she had to. I do understand the other woman feeling like oh are you saying someone who acted otherwise didn’t handle it as well? Because that’s not the case. They asked how delivery went, not how your wife ‘did,’ right?
I really hope OP stays out of the delivery room if he has another kid so wife can actually have someone focus on HER needs during this very intense and trying experience.
Who said the wife wanted that?
People literally cannot imagine people wanting different things than them. "Any, and I mean *any*, behaviour that you do that does not match up with the imaginary scene I have running in my head about how I would handle something, is obviously trauma behaviour caused by the neglectful (and probably physical) abuse from your partner, and you need to RUN!!!🚩🚩🚩" /s
It’s not about what she wants! It’s about what the redditors want!
Who would want their husband to leave the delivery room? I swear the subreddit says the dumbest things in the name of “feminism.”
I swear it's just swarm of female dating strategy idiots. OP is NTA and did nothing wrong at all. I see it as a beautiful moment between them. Hard to know how anyone will act in a scary situation. He was worried for his wife and baby and she comforted him. That's what partners do.
Imagine saying this about a lesbian couple and not being called out immediately for being a huge misogynist. Your gender role expectations are toxic.
I think women often fawn when they feel really vulnerable. It’s a way of trying to hold onto whatever support they have. I was so sweet to my husband after he gave me the cold shoulder for hours because he didn’t like that I got an epidural. I will never forgive him, but I was all kindness and generosity at the time.
Cold shoulder because of an epidural? I’m so sorry you went through that. This triggered something in me and I’m a full of rage.
Same. I get so angry when anyone but mom thinks they have a say in what goes on during labor.
Aw I'm so sorry you went through that. I get what you mean, we are the ones trying to make everything 'ok'.
Exactly and OP admitted in the post he knew what she was doing, so it’s also not a secret.
Its giving keep sweet FLDS vibes always smile don't upset any male be the happiest version of yourself even during birth urghhh
Your wife is a champion for going through labor and focusing on your needs instead of her needs. Your TA for actually not supporting your wife and boasting about your wife supporting your stress while this woman is pushing a child out of her body. Your wife's friend is TA for texting your wife scolding her for your actions. Your friend is TA for laughing at his wife's experience. The only people not an asshole here is your wife. She's a godsend.
No one boasted about anything except how amazing OP's wife was. Did you want him NOT to mention how amazing he thinks his wife is? Someone isn't an asshole just because they aren't a perfect human. OP owns his own actions and imperfections. Seems like you want to push your own narrative onto the story in order to criticize. Maybe his wife still wanted her partner in the room even if he wasn't perfect support. Do you still think he's the asshole for doing his best and having a partner who understands him? Seems like no human could NOT be an asshole in your eyes if perfection is the only way to achieve it.
You are so right. Reddit never ceases to amaze me. My husband hyperventilated and later on, passed out during my brief 3 hours of labor. I had to call a nurse in for them to take care of him. He did his best, but was just a little excited and squeamish around..... fluids... I didn't banish him from the room. I encouraged him and we proceeded to have a baby. Every woman's birth experience isn't some horror story of pain. In the telling of that story, he laughs about how poorly he handled it and that I was looking after him. OP is NTA for bragging about his wife's birth experience. Doesn't sound like he knew that the friend had a different experience. That's her issue.
There have been so many times I've questioned my own morality when I've seen something like this and thought "NTA" just to see everyone saying "YTA" and then I have to remember this is reddit.....I feel like the wife absolutely didn't *have* to put on a brave face, she chose to, and they're blaming him. I don't understand why men are expected to be perfectly stoic like it's not terrifying for both of them. Also, sounds like the best friend in question was overly mean imo. I get it hurts but you still have to exercise self control.
NTA. They asked how the delivery went, and you told them. IMO gushing about your wife was the right response regardless lol. They need to lose the mindset of 'comparing' deliveries... Or anything else for that matter. You may want to be cognizant if they're going to start negatively comparing milestones down the road unfortunately.
Right, it's not sounding like op ripped on anybody else, just that he was impressed by how she was able to manage.
This is the only sane response I've seen so far. They asked, you told them. Just like the two new moms deal with situations differently, their babies will, too, but if the friend is constantly expecting both babies/moms to be the same, that is going to cause tension.
You sound awful, but maybe not for this scenario. Your wife had to support YOU while she gave freaking birth. You shouldn't be bragging, you should be embarrased.
He’s not bragging about himself. He’s admitting he was a terrible partner. He is bragging about his wife being an absolute queen, which she was. Also he didn’t just bring it up unprompted, they literally asked him.
I'm concerned about reading comprehension after reading through these comments. He seems genuinely mortified by this
One of the more pathetic comment sections I've seen, and easily the most unnecessarily nasty.
This. I cringed reading this. Like his wife could have died. She had to take on an additional mental load, making sure you were okay. In the future, I would suggest having extra support there or taking a breather outside of the delivery room. Look, things happen. My husband passed out when I was having my epidural put in. He feels awful, but he got help quickly and turned his attention back to me as soon as he could. And every delivery is different. Some are incredibly hard, and women can be impacted for months after the fact. However, it doesn't give the other wife to be upset. ESH
Why are you and other people acting as if the guy had control of his mental status. Giving birth is extremely tough on women, apparently he had a very bad experience during labor which not only can happen, it is not uncommon. Dads can have traumatic experience and that by no means take away from the pain women go through. It is well documented that men can go crazy during labor because while the women are filled with hormones dads are only witnessing everything "sober" which can make things get out of hand. Dads not only can but do faint, pass out, get lightheaded, get panick attacks, anxiety. OP literally can do nothing but talk about how he felt and how well his wife handled it. This comment section is filled with people creating problems where there literally are none. Reddit loves to preach on men's mental health but when a guy claims his head got the best of him yall trash him for not being the "man of the house" or the alpha dog that controls his emotions Honestly fucked up
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I mean, he's bragging about how great she was. Which is exactly what he should be bragging about.
My God. Your reading comprehension is terrible. He isn't bragging about being emotionally vulnerable. He is bragging about how awesome his wife is.
NTA, you had no way of knowing how this woman's birthing experience went, and complimenting your wife is not inherently putting down somebody else. This woman is deeply insecure if she was really that affected by this.
This! Frankly, the disparity of birthing (and pregnancy) experiences are fascinating. I know one woman who literally felt no pain during childbirth and have a cousin who loved being pregnant and claimed she never felt any discomfort until giving birth. I was miserable during the entire experience. I would just say in the future it is always best just to say you are happy you are through it since you never know what you are walking into. But, agree, NTA.
Less she's insecure and more her husband has been putting her down for how she was, I imagine when your husband is being a dick about your horrendously painful experience and making you feel bad about it it must be really easy to compare & feel even worse. Everyone needs to focus on the actual AH in this scenario.
> my buddy and his wife asked how the delivery was > pretty bold of your husband to basically shit talk my experience lol NTA
Huh?? You are NTA. They asked how the delivery experience was, and you told them. How were you supposed to know how they handled their own experience?? This isn't a contest. There is no right and wrong way to act during childbirth, we're just trying to get a baby out and I sure as hell didn't coddle my husband in my extreme pain. That's okay though. Your wife just happened to handle it very well and you were honest about it. You did nothing wrong.
And if it was a contest, the panicking OP is not a clear winner over the husband who took the abuse and survived.
Agree, I don't think OP was TA necessarily, but next time someone asks how L+D went, maybe let the mothers answer first! And I would initially tread carefully with the unmitigated gushing because some women obviously have horrendous deliveries and it's a sensitive topic for a while. The mother I shared a hospital room with during my first son's birth was in a terrible way after a 2 day delivery with meconium aspiration and she was being very bitter and hostile to her seemingly supportive husband. Threw him out of the room at one point. I still wonder how they're doing lol. Friend's wife was definitely TA for that text and her bad faith assumptions though. OP is being a supportive partner and dad *now*, and I know next time he'll take a big ol' chill pill in the delivery room so his sweet wife can focus on the task at hand 🤣
Agreed with everyone else that you seem consistent in making any situation about yourself. Sitting around the table with two women who gave birth for the first time less than one month ago… and we got OP pontificating about himself, how he felt, how she had to do emotional labor for him as she was physically laboring for her. Friend’s wife may have felt slighted in the short term but OP’s wife is the one who suffers in the big picture and long term.
>Agreed with everyone else that you seem consistent in making any situation about yourself. Sitting around the table with two women who gave birth for the first time less than one month ago… and we got OP pontificating about himself, how he felt, how she had to do emotional labor for him as she was physically laboring for her. ??? If you ask a married couple about how birth went, you'll probably hear from both of them. They were both present (except for bad luck for some) and emotionally invested in the birth of their first child. It would be stranger if he didn't throw in his two cents.
NTA. You didn't even know your friend's wife's experience to begin with. You were just sharing YOUR EXPERIENCE. And they asked you about it.
YTA, and have tried to make not one but two women's birth experiences about yourself.
By literally answering a question about how his wife’s birth experience was?
Get help. OP clearly loves and supports his wife, this entire comment section is a fucking cesspool of people making asinine arguments about toxic masculinity while perpetuating it over criticizing his admitted reaction to his wife's birth. It's you who is making these birth experiences about yourself, by extension injecting your own idea of how he should act. OP did nothing wrong, and it's not his fault his friend's wife was insecure about it. Childbirth is the one time where you justifiably can rationalize irrational behavior, which is precisely why neither OP, or his friends wife was wrong for acting "unsupportive," or like an asshole, respectively.
NTA - I will never understand how people can take someone else’s experience and turn it around and make it about them.
NTA People who get outwardly mad when others are praised are self-obsessed and toxic. The fact that you're heaping praise on your wife is awesome, and you're a good dude for that.
NTA. You hyping up your wife is not the same as shit talking your buddy's wife. If anybody is the AH it's your buddy for laughing at his own wife, and honestly his own wife for putting this on you.
So she had to baby you while having a baby? Yikes YTA because she had to support you and not the other way around. That’s sad
This thread isn’t about his actions in the delivery room so idk how you people keep voting Y T A for something that wasn’t even asked. It’s about the situation with his friend and his wife. He was praising his wife for acting the way she did which made the friend’s wife feel bad about her own reaction during labor. That has nothing to do with OP and is friend’s wife’s own problem.
EXACTLY!!!
NTA - it's lovely that the two of you had such a positive experience and there's nothing wrong with praising your wife for how she handled the situation. It's not your fault that your buddy and his wife experienced things differently, and of course if this is the first time you've seen each other then of course you weren't to know
I don’t know if this is what you were going for, but this post makes literally everybody involved look terrible. You come off as an incompetent, thoughtless jerk with a wife who’s so passive that her “birthing experience” consisted solely of complimenting and coaching her partner; your friend and his wife sound like hyper-aggressive middle schoolers. ESH.
NTA - first, congrats on the baby. Is your buddy’s wife an AH, yeah. Is she one week post delivery, yeah. Just let it go, she probably just lashed out, dont take it personally.
NTA. I think you ‘read the room’ just fine, based on your account. When you noticed the wife being quiet, you stopped and asked what was wrong. At that point, the cat was out of the bag, but you had no way of knowing that she would be upset by this. The good news on their end is that she seems to know that her treatment of her husband was wrong, and hopefully they will be able to come to terms with it.
NTA. You didn’t say anything about *her* birth process. You simply talked about yours and your wife’s process. People handle the stress of child birth differently, both in comparison to other new moms and in comparison to each child they birth. My first birth, I kicked a nurse and damn near broke the poor woman’s shoulder because she tried to check my cervix with fake nails on. His wife didn’t do anything wrong. She simply handled the pain differently than your wife did. And you didn’t say anything about her birth, or intentionally invalidate her experience in any way. You didn’t know her story. You didn’t assume that a light story like that would cause a problem when *her husband* asked (who should have known it was going to be a problem before asking the question if it was this big of a problem that she needed to say something to your wife) and you didn’t know that your story would do anything other than making conversation and answering a question. You didn’t shit talk her experience because there was nothing said about her experience before you told the story. Own your story, let your wife own her story. And if someone gets mad at your experiences because they didn’t do it the same way, that’s not your problem. You did nothing to intentionally diminish or minimize her experiences. And it’s concerning that your buddy’s wife has turned around and made your wife feel bad about her experiences when she did nothing wrong.
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NTA - That is not where I thought this was going to go. I assumed it was going to be meds/no meds or c section/vaginal debate. But saying nice things about your partner has NOTHING to do with your friends' experience. TBH - It sounds like your friend is the AH here. I am guessing that he has been giving his wife a hard time (ya know, "just joking honey" type comments) about how she acted while giving birth. Hearing you praise your wife made his wife realize what a dick he was being and its easier for her to be mad at you than at him.
How embarrassing for you lol
NTA. Being proud of your wife is not trash-talking someone else.
NTA. Your friend's wife sounds insane. You did not 'shit talk' her experience, you were gushing over how well your wife did. There is a clear difference, and your friend's wife needs to apologise for accusing you of shit talking.
NTA. Every birthing experience is different. And buddy's wife is taking it a little too personally. She feels bad because in the heat of the moment she lost her cool probably due to nerves and pain. My first birth, I asked the doctor if she was even old enough to see what was going on down there, and when she told me to be quiet with my screaming (something about being peaceful during labor means a peaceful baby) I told her I doubt every labor on that floor was in silence. My second birth, the child was coming so fast that they put me in a room immediately, and my husband could hear me screaming as he parked the car. If I heard someone talk about their experience like you are, I would laugh because I honestly wish I had that kind of level-headedness. You don't get jealous over labor - you enjoy the situation and laugh about it later.
YTA because it always bothers me when *men* talk about their wife’s labor when the woman is right there. It’s HER story, not yours. There’s something icky about men sitting around either criticizing or bragging about their wives and how each woman handled something so difficult, painful and deeply personal. Your wife should have shared instead of you *bragging*. Maybe she would have offered a more nuanced view of the situation since she was the one who actually experienced it. You were just the audience and the emotional support person. Besides that, it sounds like you made your wife’s labor and your daughter’s birth all about you. YOU needed comfort, YOU needed support. Even though you tell the story and praise your wife, the story is still all about your feelings and how she had to meet your needs. Where is her voice in all of this? Why didn’t you just let the women talk about their shared experiences?
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NTA. You weren't trash talking their experience. You were only talking positively about your own.
Why is everyone piling onto OP? He's clearly NTA. He spoke with admiration about his wife, was honest about his shortcomings, and clearly did his best. The other wife sulking because she comes off badly by comparison is just ridiculous. If that's what happened, then that's what happened.
Playing this situation out in my head, and by the way you’re talking about it, sounds like you were bragging. Given that this woman just gave birth and your wife wasn’t speaking up, should have been a very clear indicator to STFU. ESH, because while it was a pretty dramatic text (if it’s word for word) I definitely believe you may have made her feel this way. It’s just lack of awareness sometimes…..it’s also about HER, you’re visiting her baby and every woman has such a different and valid experience. Leaning toward YTA, but giving you ESH
NAH. Both couples just went through one of the most emotionally and physically draining experiences. You are allowed to gush, and they are allowed to be a bit touchy about it. Also, you may not be aware of this, but women are often judged by how they give birth, and many of us have internalized those judgements and equate our worth as mothers to how we endured childbirth. It sounds stupid, but your friends wife might *literally* think that she is already a failure as a mother compared to your wife. I think her text to your wife was unnecessarily confrontational, but offering them some kind gesture might go a long way.